Penn State - 3/28/2013 - Issue 3

The Black Sheep

fr ee ... l be ike in stu a mo den nt ts h! wil l

• a college newspaper that’s actually about college •

Volume 1, Issue 3 • 3/28/13 - 4/3/13

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Behind The Music: PSU BOOMBOX GUY psu staff wrote this The year was 2010. Penn State was a much different place. Joe Paterno still roamed Beaver Stadium’s sidelines on beautiful autumn Saturdays. State Patty’s was still a holiday that hospitalized hundreds of people and caused even more to be arrested. It was magnificent. But something happened that year. Something that would change the place we call Happy Valley. Forever.

He was just a guy with a shotty little silver boombox that his dad gave to him because “no one uses these pieces of shit anymore.” He also had an affinity for mediocre music from late 80s and early 90s. It wasn’t until he transferred from Penn State Altoona to University Park in fall 2010 that he realized he could combine these two obscure traits into a full time job. Following a few failed attempts of finding true love on BlackPeopleMeet.

Com and ChristianMingle, PSU Boombox Guy was born.

No one could describe Boombox Guy better than the man himself. In a mini-documentary found on YouTube, Boombox Guy said “Who is the PSU Boombox Guy? He’s pretty much a 23-yearold kid (as opposed to being a literal 23-year-old) at heart who just decided to have the crazy idea (what?) to carry a boombox around and play music for all the drunk people.”

Simply amazing.

It wasn’t long before he took State College by storm. Every weekend Beaver Canyon was amplified by horrendous elementary school songs that everyone forgot about, like “All Star” by Smash Mouth and “Mambo No. 5” by Lou Bega. The university’s infatuation with this mysterious gentleman was truly astounding.

But never forget the old saying that goes, “Haters Gonna Hate, Staters Gonna State.”

“I hate Boombox Guy,” claimed a local Hater/Stater/Motivator.

“He slept with my girlfriend and then moonwalked all the way back to his apartment high fiving with everyone in his path.”

Boombox Guy’s attire was unlike anything that anyone had ever witnessed. He was never seen in public without his leather jacket that smelled of old urine and stale cigarettes that he purchased at the Westerly Parkway Goodwill. Plastic sunglasses protected him from the sun and all his haters. Later he would add a turquoise and orange Miami Dolphins snapback to complete his notorious ensemble. Local fashionistas from Valley Magazine hailed him and called the addition a “brave and bold move that only someone of Boombox Guy’s stature could pull off mid-semester.”

It might have been his amazing fashion sense, it might have been because of the Boombox or his BOOMING personality. But no women could keep their hands off of him.

the Black Sheep Guide to PSU Bars

“Once I knew I was coming to Penn State I was so happy because I wanted to save my virginity for someone special. Then I saw him one day, on the White Loop with the boombox. I knew he was the one,” stated to one of his many groupies.

After distancing himself from all of his close friends and family, Boombox Guy turned to his nearly 3,000 Twitter followers for comfort. “I’m drinking every night until graduation. WHO’S WITH ME?” he tweeted.

All house parties had three requirements from that point on: women, alcohol, and Boombox Guy. Ironically, the man behind the boombox became obsessed with both alcohol and women, sending him into a downward spiral that no one could have seen coming.

No one responded.

“We all saw it coming,” said an anonymous friend of Boombox Guy. “It got to the point where we sat him down and just said ‘you’re drinking too much and getting too much ass’ and that’s when he cut off ties.”

We tried to reach out to Boombox Guy for this piece but no one at Penn State knew his real name. After months of tireless research we lazily concluded that he drowned in a sea of cheap beer and women. Never forget, PSU Boombox Guy.

what'’s inside

Since that day no one has seen Boombox Guy. Not on campus, not anywhere in State College, not even in his favorite vacation spot, Panama City Beach.

Kid Still in Love with Old E-lion

Top Ten: Most Hated Schools

Another installments of our step by step guide to surviving at PSU.

New E-lion is great and all but he just wants the old software back!

From Pitt to Temple to OSU, we have to hate them all.

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contents

Questions? Comments? Compliments? Insults? info@theblacksheeponline.com

page 4: Hipsterism: The Death of A Trend

page 4

The term “Hipster” has gotten out of hand and it must come to an end!

page 5: From the Streets

When was the last time you said "I'm never going to drink again," and why?

page 6: TV Shows That Need to Happen The Top Chef Serial Killer Edition.

page 9: Sincerely Sammii part 2

Table of

Our “dating” expert is back at it again, dishing out the worst advice this side of the Mississippi!

page 11: Bartender of the week

Nate from Inferno is humble, honest, and hardworking but sorry ladies, he’s taken!

page 12: Game of Thrones or Porn?

It’s surprisingly hard to tell the difference between the two.

page 13: We Interview: The Black Angels Vocalist Alex Maas gives us a lengthy answer regarding psychedelic rock.

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When it was all said and done, you'd think they were at a foam party.

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A Weird Violin

Do you know who these celebrity hotties are?

Send your answers to anagrams@theblacksheeponline.com First five right answers get a prize!

Eagle Ninja Loom last week’s answers

Ciara & Seann William Scott

word of the week Digestimation:

The ballparking of an amount of food or drink consumed in order to exaggerate or downplay the total intake.

“In Seth’s digestimation he downed 74 chicken wings, but the way Paul remembers it, Seth ate closer to 30.”

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theblacksheeponline.com

hipsterism: the death of a trend tbs staff wrote this It’s time that we laid the term “hipster” to rest. Its uses have stretched so far and so wide that it has lost all meaning. It started as a fashion trend, a hybrid of grunge and skate, but has now branched off into a scene of its own. From clothing to music, from drinking pleasures to smoking habits, the hipster movement has grown into a behemoth so large that it has become the new mainstream. It is another passing trend and nothing more. Once again, a generation’s struggle for nonconformity has conformed them all. Such are the tides of popular culture. With each rising wave that crashes upon the shore, new sea treasures are surfaced and scattered across the sands. A new craze begins, the tides recede, and more salty treasures are brought from the stream to the sea.

It all started with a man sporting his hot new Wayfarer Ray Bans, a freshly trimmed mustache, and a hand-selected outfit from his local resale shop. On his side was a woman with a matching pair of shades, modeling a flowing grandma dress, rouge lips, and combat boots. They strutted out of the liquor store and onto the street hand in hand while sucking on buds and carrying a 30 pack of PBR. As they passed by, the people scoffed and stared, but secretly dug their musty, retro vibe. And so, millions of teens across the U.S. of A. started asking their mothers and fathers for hand-me-down wears, and the old vinyls that were kept in the attic. The fashion and music of the 80s and 90s were resurrected from their dingy and glittery tombs. As the record spun, the sounds of Billy Idol’s “Dancing With Myself” traveled through the headphones, and the pseudo-nonconformists of the past were born anew. Celebrity culture caught wind of revival, the disease spread, and the inflicted were given a name—hipsters.

It’s funny to look back on all the trends of past decades and compare them to the qualities commonly identified with the hipster. With a vintage swag, a grunge attitude, and a “white trash” partiality to beer, the hipster is a conglomeration of multiple trends and styles. The name itself means a person who is “hip” with the latest trends and fashions. It is a word that encapsulates the quintessence of “being in the know,” which would seem paradoxical to the stereotypical attitudes carried by the scene’s followers.

To its credit, the hipster movement, or hipsterism, has sprouted new mom and papa coffee shops across the nation and has been the saving grace for the starving musician. Thrift stores have enjoyed the increase in business, and the charities which many non-profit resale shops help fund are extremely

The Black Sheep’s Guide to PSU Bars devin cox wrote this

thankful. What began as a fashion trend has evolved into a persona and a lifestyle, both of which have been brought under much scrutiny due to their vaguely leftist doctrine and the pontificating ways in which those associated with the movement conduct themselves.

Hipster has been associated with many negative connotations, some of which are justified. Anyone who makes a condescending remark about your preference for non-free trade coffee is so bigheaded that it makes their fedora look more like a yarmulke. But an asshole, whether it’s a jock, nerd, or a hipster, is still just an asshole. We mustn't let stereotypes guide our judgment. We all have at least a few “hipsteresque” qualities that cyclically come with being a part of a generation. Everyone holds their taste in music, fashion, and art to be the best that had ever been, but it is not what sets us apart from the rest. So knock it off with the elitist talk, and quit whining about your shallow, pointless grievances with the preferences of others. To quote Bomb the Music Industry: “the shit that you hate don’t make you special.”

Just as the trends before it, the Hipsters must come to an end. There were the greasers of the 50s, the hippies of the 60s, the disco jocks of the 70s, the new wavers of the 80s, and the grungers of the 90s.

The hipsters’ days are numbered, and soon they too, like all the others, will melt under the beam of the limelight and join those before them behind the curtain.

So you’ve finally turned 21, and now you have a way to ditch your roommate for a few weekends before they turn 21. Lucky for you, this town is an epicenter for the type of night-dweller you’ll soon become. Now that you’re of age, there is no limitation on where you can make a fool of yourself. No more grungy frat socials, no more crammed apartment sauna-parties, and no more asking your roommate’s older brother to buy you and your besties a bottle of Captain Morgan. Now, you have the luxury of long lines in freezing weather, watered-down drinks, and overpriced cover charges. But don’t fret, here at The Black Sheep, we’re well-versed in the art of bar hopping and can help you have a smooth transition from childhood to alcoholism. Stop listening to your idiot, “bar expert” friends and read these tips to keep in mind as your bank account dwindles and your waistline grows.

- Listen, door guys already hate the fact that they have to look at your stupid face.

Stop pointing to your friend and saying, “His I.D. is fake!” because they’ve heard it six hundred times already and it's just not hilarious anymore. Throw a little convo their way that doesn’t have to do with the line being too long or the weather being too (Insert adjective here), and maybe they’ll let you ditch the cover charge.

- If the bartender is frantically mixing drinks for a hoard of credit card-waving patrons, stop trying to start a conversation with him.

They don’t care how much you think they look like “the one chick from that movie you just saw,” so grab your drink and go find someone that will let you yell into their face for the next few hours.

- The only thing scarcer than sobriety at a bar is quiet. So open that useless mouth of yours and articulate what it is you’re ordering. Just as a heads up, order drinks you know exist. Don’t go up to the bartender and ask for a Colored Cheesedick, a drink that your roommate’s older brother made for you that one weekend he came up for State Paddy’s.

- If you go to a bar with a live band and you’re the asshole shouting, “Play Freebird!” be ready to buy the singer a drink if he sings it out of spite.

- Tip everyone. If you’re not sure if that person gets tipped, do it anyway. That guy bringing drinks to your table? Throw him a fiver even if you’ve only seen him once.

That girl giving you a tuggy under the table?

Be polite; drop a ten-spot to show her you thought it was special. The nightlife workers that inhabit your drunken world work for your gratuity, so stop being a cheap bastard and take out an extra twenty once in a while.

- We find it strange that bar bathrooms are covered in graffiti, but no one ever actually sees someone writing it. So become that dark-alley vigilante you’ve always wanted to be, and the next time you see someone scribbling their Twitter handle above a urinal, knee them in the back so their balls get soaked. Liberty and justice for all, motherfucker.

So, follow our advice and you’ll be having a great time puking in that green hat of yours in no-time.

From the Streets

[PartyPics]

Got a question you want us to ask?

FTS@theblacksheeponline.com

When was the last time you said,"i'm never going to drink again," and why?

"I lost slight control of my spinal cord and could no longer support the upper half of my body. The next morning my nervous system was once again fully operational, unfortunately this included pain... in my head... and my tear ducts." - Alex

"My friends taped a meter stick above my head, then taped a piece of string attached to a paper weight to the end above my head. I was greeted with both a literal “hangover” above my head and a much more painful one in my head as well. ” - Dannie

"I got drunk and wandered into the woods, then disappeared so people thought I fell off a cliff, but it didn’t take long for them to actually find me just passed out beneath a tree." - Owen

send your party pics to pics@theblacksheeponline.com

(View and Send Pics from our iPhone & Android App! Search black sheep mobile)

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theblacksheeponline.com

TV Shows That Need to Happen: Top Chef: Serial Killer Edition tbs staff wrote this Ever since the premiere of Survivor back in the year 2000, America has been obsessed with reality television. Within that genre, the competition subcategory has done particularly well.

Shows like American Idol, So You Think You Can Dance, and Project Runway have given talented individuals the chance to skyrocket to fame and fortune by simply getting a camera shoved in their face. But let's be honest, we're all getting a little bit bored with that. It's been 13 long years of the same old shit time after time. We need to spice things up.

This is where Top Chef: Serial Killer Edition comes into play.

We've all seen a reality cooking competition. Usually the best part about it is salivating over the palatably photogenic masterpiece possible only on TV. Well what if the best part became watching people risk their lives? Take Hell’s Kitchen sans delicious food in a battle royale-style gauntlet. The format goes like this: get ten professional cooks to compete on the show under the false pretense of competing for the chance to open up their own restaurant. Little do they know that one of the ten contestants is actually a bloodthirsty serial killer.

Sounds great already, right?

Well it gets better. The chefs arrive at a new, state-of-the-art kitchen with the best (and sharpest) cooking supplies known to man. We prepare them for a standard, timed cooking contest in which they're supposed to show off their skills. Just as that competition is about to start, the lights go out. As they're

stranded in the dark with nothing to defend themselves but their spatulas and assorted cutlery, the serial killer is unleashed.

One by one, she murders off each of the contestants until only one remains. The audience watches through a special night vision lens, authentically capturing the fear of culinary artists thrown in a struggle for survival. Will they put their cleaverchopping skills to the gladiatorial test? Or will they cower in the face of danger? This is television at its finest. If the danger of a Hell’s Kitchen: Hunger Games (pun intentional) does not impress, then the world can at least ponder the gritty reactions of threatened human beings and revel in the whodunnit suspense when the lights come back on.

Once the final contestant is facing the serial killer it becomes a showdown. Either the anxious chef kills the maniac or the maniac takes the victory. The victor collects the life insurance payout from each of the dead contestants. How is this possibly legal? We've forced each contestant to sign a conveniently dense 100-page contract with mostly nonsense information before the show, but it essentially signs over their entire life as well as any pets or children. If the novice chef defeats the serial killer, he or she will move on to the next show as the new serial killer. Like some horror movie plot twist, the trauma is sure to render them mentally unstable enough to doom others to a similar fate.

At the end of the day, this show promises an enjoyable experience for every viewer. We'll laugh as the cooks wander helplessly in the dark; we'll cry as one chef gets down on his hands and knees and begs to cook another day; we'll swoon as two chefs band together as a team to defeat the serial killer, and we'll share a moment of silence as those two chefs die shortly after for foolishly drawing attention to their team effort.

Television may be a field that is always changing, sometimes for better but often for worse. With this show we will restore faith in humanity and faith in a chef who is fit not only for the kitchen, but also for the chopping block.

STUDENT STILL IN LOVE WITH OLD E-LION Ben Morse wrote this Students and faculty have been calling for an improvement to Penn State’s E-Lion for years, citing confusing navigation and glitch issues as major problems. They finally have their wish, as Penn State has now changed to the new E-Lion, which features a less confusing interface and user-friendly software.

Not everyone, however, is pleased with the change.

Senior Tyler Alford first met the old E-Lion when he stepped foot on campus as a freshman in 2009. He knew from the beginning that there was a mutual attraction.

“My friends told me to stay away from her. They told me she was cold, lifeless, and would make me close the browser entirely if someone else wanted to log in. But everyone has those silly little quirks… When you really love someone, you’re able to embrace them.”

When asked what made him fall in love, Tyler’s eyes glistened with nostalgia.

“It was in the way she would repeatedly ask me for my log-in information, the come-hither look she would give me as she said my session had expired… She was always so straight forward with me. Communication was not an issue, even when I used GPA prediction.”

The two hit it off instantly, and things quickly turned romantic. “By the end of my first fall semester I was logging into her about three times a day [laughing]”, says Alford.

“I’ll never forget the first time I scheduled classes with her.

We were listening to Boyz II Men at full volume—you know setting the mood up—just waiting for that clock to strike midnight… And when it finally did, my hands were stiff with excitement as I typed in those course numbers. I’d never experienced something so tantric, erotic and exhilarating with any other machine.”

But all good things must come to an end.

Just as Tyler started thinking he and E-Lion could be life partners, whisperings of the university developing a new and improved system emerged, and Tyler began questioning all of E-Lion’s quirks that he once loved. He suddenly started fantasizing about logging into the new fangled attention, which had caught the attention of everyone on campus.

“Pilot was a real head-turner, definitely a water-cooler topic among the students for a while,” adds Alford.

After weeks of resisting temptation, Tyler finally succumbed to the carnal allure of the Pilot. Soon he was logging into Pilot daily, fulfilling all of his digital desires in a whirlwind of bacchanal passion and lust.

But also, guilt.

Old E-Lion soon found out about Tyler’s cyber infidelity, packed up her modules and templates and disappeared, vowing never to prompt for Tyler’s log in and password ever again.

Suddenly, Pilot had become the new E-lion, and Tyler, stunned and speechless, was left to live with the decisions he’s made and the life he’s chosen.

“I love the new E-Lion, she looks great and is definitely more logical and easier to navigate than the old E-Lion... but I still have all those great memories, you know?”

“Whatever,” says Alford, “Relationships are only fun for six months anyways.”

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The

Top 10

psu's most hated schools

10.) Rutgers: They fit the bill, because A. they’re from Jersey, B. they are joining the Big Ten next year, and C. they’re from Jersey. Enough said.

9.) Iowa: 2008 and 2009. Back-to-back heartbreaks. 2008 a last second field goal to keep us from a perfect season. 2009 they rocked us in Happy Valley when we still could have made a BCS bowl. Now we have beat them two straight years and we’d be cool with NEVER losing to them again. That would be chill.

8.) Syracuse: We own them on the football field, so this rivalry didn’t really get heated until Jim Boeheim had to open his mouth. There are TWO things you can’t diss here at Penn State; THON and Joe Pa. He dissed the latter, so now we have to hate them. See you August 31st!

7.) USC: USC head coach Lane Kiffin complained about people stealing USC players, then he did the same exact thing when he stole Silas Redd from underneath us. Best part about it? We still had a better record than them. When this asshole gets fired we’re throwing the biggest party State College has ever seen.

6.) Notre Dame: Cowboys, Yankees, Lakers, Duke Basketball, and Notre Dame. If you like all these teams, congrats! You are the reincarnation of Osama bin Laden. We have no personal beef with Notre Dame because we haven’t played them in a while, but they are everything that is wrong with the world.

5.) Michigan: No Penn Stater will ever forget the one second added to the clock in 2005, which allowed Henne to Manningham. Perfect season ruined. DEATH, VIOLENCE, OTHER BAD THINGS. Only made storming the BJC floor this past year even sweeter.

What time is it? *insert time here* and MICHIGAN SUCKS. 4.) Temple: “I didn’t get into to Penn State, so I’m going to trash it all the time. Also can I stay at your place State Patty’s weekend?!” Everyone from the Philly area has one of these friends, and secretly hates them. We own them in football, they own us in basketball. We have to hate them.

3.) Pitt: Last week we said there are three guarantees in life: 1. Death 2. Taxes 3. Pitt choking in the NCAA tournament. Much like Temple, Pitt students talk so much shit on PSU because they didn’t get in, yet they want to visit all the time. Next time make them sleep outside.

2.) OSU: Where do we even begin? God, we hate everything about OSU. They own us in basketball. They own us in football. They even beat us in WRESTLING and VOLLEYBALL this year. Like, those are our two sports. We get it, you like beating us. Leave us alone :(

1.) PSU ALTOONA!: “WE’RE ALTOIDS! LOL” if you have ever said this in your life seriously just kill yourself. This campus gives every satellite campus a bad wrap. They tell everyone they go to PSU, they think they “party just as hard” and they’re located in an even more bumblefuck town than us. If we need to shut down one PSU campus, make it this one.

psu staff wrote this

The Bar Grid SPECIAL NIGHT

Happy Hour Every Night 10PM-Midnight!

Every Night! 10-12: $2 Strong Island Iced Teas, $2 Shots (over 100 choices), $3 Colossal Teas, $3 22oz Bacardi drinks in all 13 flavors, $3 Vegas Bombs and all bomb shots, $3 Smirnoff drinks , $4 Smirnoff and Red Bull, $4 Patron shots

SUNDAY - THURSDAY $3 Local Pint of the Day (all day) 10PM-11PM: $2.50 Spiced Rum and Coke/Bourbon and Coke, $2.50 Local Pints

Happy Hour 10pm-12am: $2 ABC's, $3 Grey Goose $1.50 Bud Lite Drafts (All Day)

Pop Culture Party (9PM-2AM), $2.50 Bud light drafts/ $7.50 pitchers (All Day) Happies 10PM - midnight: Half price all Liquor and Mixed Drinks ($1 extra for Red Bull during happies)

DJ Cashous!

Free Cover 9-10pm, $3 Cover After

$3 Local Pint of the Day (all day) 10PM-11PM: $2.50 Spiced Rum and Coke/Bourbon and Coke, $2.50 Local Pints

Happy Hour 10pm-12am: $3 Absolute Bacardi Flavors, $2 Blue Moon Drafts (All Day)

Rock & Roll All Night (9PM-2AM), $3 Blue Moon drafts/ $9 pitchers Happies 10 PM - midnight (except home games): $2.50 moonshiners, $3.50 flavored vodka and Bacardi Oakheart ($2 extra for Red Bull during happies)

DJ Manik Mike (State College's only video DJ) Free Cover 9-10pm, $3 Cover After

$3 Local Pint of the Day (all day) 5PM-7PM, 10PM-12AM: $2.50 Spiced Rum and Coke/Bourbon and Coke, $2.50 Local Pints

Happy Hour 10pm-12am: $3 Absolute Bacardi Flavors, $2 Blue Moon Drafts (All Day)

Free For All Music Fest + DJ (9PM-2AM), Blue Moon $3 draft/$9 pitchers (all day) Happies 10 PM midnight (except home games): $2.50 moonshiners, $3.50 flavored vodka and Bacardi Oakheart ($2 extra for Red Bull during happies)

DJ Kid AV and special guests!

Free Cover 9-10pm, $3 Cover After

$3 Local Pint of the Day (all day) 10PM-12AM: $2.50 Spiced Rum and Coke/Bourbon and Coke, $2.50 Local Pints

Full menu + Brunch 11am - 2pm

Nascar & Maxin' Relaxin (9PM-2AM), Bud light $2.50 drafts /$7.50 pitchers (all day) Happies: 10PM-midnight: Half off all liquor ($1 extra for Red Bull during happies), $2 Miller light drafts/ $6 Pitchers, $1.75 Coors Light bottles

10-12: $2 Strong Island Iced Teas, $2 Shots (over 100 choices), $3 Colossal Teas, $3 22oz Bacardi drinks in all 13 flavors, $3 Vegas Bombs and all bomb shots, $3 Smirnoff drinks , $4 Smirnoff and Red Bull, $4 Patron shots

$3 Local Pint of the Day (all day) 10PM-11PM: $2.50 Spiced Rum and Coke/Bourbon and Coke, $2.50 Local Pints

MON. 4/1

Check out our award-winning wine list! Voted best wine list

by State College Mag!

Modern Music! Molson Canadian $2.50 Drafts, $7.50 pitchers (All Day) $2 Miller Light drafts/ $6 Pitchers, $1.75 Coors Light bottles Happies 10PM-midnight: Half off all liquor and mixed drinks ($1 extra for Red Bull during happies)

10-12: $2 Strong Island Iced Teas, $2 Shots (over 100 choices), $3 Colossal Teas, $3 22oz Bacardi drinks in all 13 flavors, $3 Vegas Bombs and all bomb shots, $3 Smirnoff drinks , $4 Smirnoff and Red Bull, $4 Patron shots

$3 Local Pint of the Day (all day) 10PM-11PM: $2.50 Spiced Rum and Coke/Bourbon and Coke, $2.50 Local Pints

TUES. 4/2

5 Consecutive Awards from Wine Spectator - Come Try Some Tonight!

Country Crossover (9PM-2AM), Budweiser $2.50 drafts / $7.50 pitchers (all day) Happies 10PM - midnight: $2.75 Jack Daniels drinks, $2.50 Lynchburg Lemonades, $2.50 Alabama Slammers, $1.50 Miller Lite drafts, $4.50 Miller Lite pitchers, $1.75 Coors Lt. bottles ($2 Dollars extra for red bull during happies)

10-12: $2 Strong Island Iced Teas, $2 Shots (over 100 choices), $3 Colossal Teas, $3 22oz Bacardi drinks in all 13 flavors, $3 Vegas Bombs and all bomb shots, $3 Smirnoff drinks , $4 Smirnoff and Red Bull, $4 Patron shots

$3 Local Pint of the Day (all day) 10PM-11PM: $2.50 Spiced Rum and Coke/Bourbon and Coke, $2.50 Local Pints

WED. 4/3

Adams drafts/$9 pitchers Happy Hour 10pm-12am: $2.50 Happies 10PM-midnight: Half price all Bacardi Flavors, $3 Sam Adams Liquor and Mixed Drinks, $2 Miller Lite Drafts, 1/2 off Corona and Corona drafts, $6 Miller Lite pitchers, $1.50 Coors Lite Bottles Lt. Bottles ($1 extra for Red Bull during

Go Go Gadget and DJ Keigo, $4 Cover 9-close

$3 Local Pint of the Day (all day) 10PM-11PM: $2.50 Spiced Rum and Coke/Bourbon and Coke, $2.50 Local Pints

THURS. 3/28 FRI. 3/29 SAT. 3/30 SUN. 3/31

Happy Hour 10pm-12am: $3 Absolute Bacardi Flavors, $2 Blue Moon Drafts (All Day)

The 80's w/DJ (9pm-2am), $3 Sam

happies)

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dear sammii: Part 2

page 9

sammii wrote this Dear Sammii,

Dear Rod-Handler (Pole-Expert),

My roommate and her boyfriend claim to be madly in love with one another, but they are constantly arguing and having big dramatic confrontations while I’m trying to sleep. Is there something I can say or do to get them to stop bickering when I’m around?

As wise as we are, us female folk do sometimes have a bit of a blind spot when it comes to interpreting the intentions of men. Largely, this is due to the fact that all men are no good, lying, pond-scum. Hate to say it, but I have to agree with Chris. Just imagine: you and your “friend” are sitting next to each other, all alone, on a secluded dock. You cast your lines out and now you have nothing to do while you wait but sit and talk. Sure, there are lots of casual topics you can get into, but the longer it takes for a fish to bite, the more time the conversation has to naturally drift onto more personal topics. Before you know it, you’ll be spilling your guts about all the little things that have been bugging you about your relationship lately. Guess who will be more than eager to lend a sympathetic ear? You guessed it, the same guy who just leaned in close with a baited hook.

From, Feeling-Like-A-Child-Of-Divorce Dear Child, It’s pretty obvious that your only option is to sabotage their relationship.

Here are some tactics you may find helpful: - Take ambiguous naked pics of yourself and send them to his phone from your grandfather’s phone.

- Have sex with weird guy down the hall, then plant the used condom in her room where the boyfriend is sure to find it.

- Break into his phone, search “bestiality” and “Asian fisting.” Create bookmarks for whatever you find and then casually plant seeds that encourage her to snoop through his phone.

- Pull a “Catfish” and make a fake profile to chat with him.

IMPORTANT NOTE: Leave no trace of evidence that you’re involved; you want to cause a rift between your roomie and her beau, not you (after all, you’ve already signed next year’s lease.)

Dear Sammii, I’ve been with my boyfriend—we’ll call him “Chris” —for almost a year. I’m very much in love with him, but he has some major trust issues. He doesn’t like that I have friends that are guys and when one of my friends recently invited me to go fishing with him, which is a favorite pastime of mine, Chris pitched a serious fit. How can I ensure him that I’m capable of being a faithful girlfriend while also maintaining friendships with my guy friends?

From, Only-Interested-In-His-Fishing-Rod

“But Sammii, it’s really not like that, he’s just my friend!” Quit being so naïve, this guy isn’t fishing for bass, he wants hot tuna. If it’s really what you think, ask him if he’s cool with you inviting Chris along. You’ll be able to gauge just how naked he was expecting you to get by how far his face falls.

Dear Sammii, I’ve always been a pretty confident guy. I get good grades, I get along with people in almost all social settings, and I’m not exactly rough on the eyes, but I haven’t been able to get a date in two years. I feel like there’s something wrong with me that I’m not realizing. Is there something that I can do to up my game, or at least make myself more marketable to the girls in State College?

From, Need-To-Use-It-Before-I-Lose-It Dear Sounds-Like-You-Already-Lost-It, Without a face-to-face analysis, it’s hard for me to pinpoint what you need to change, but I can offer some general tips that will get your friends to stop calling you “Beaver Repellent” behind your back.

killer. If I wanted someone to hold the door for me, I’d go to lunch with my grandpa. Girls dig a guy who knows how to put us in our places. Next time a girl knocks into you at the bar, don’t say, “Excuse me,” say, “Watch it, bitch!”

- Shower Less: There’s nothing like packing yourself onto the Blue Loop midafternoon, and getting shoved into the musky armpit of the guy standing next to you. How are you supposed to create such an animalistic reaction from females if you smell like lavender and vanilla? If I were into that, I’d date myself.

- Eye-contact is key: It’s true what they say about technology stunting our generation’s ability to interact real-time. There’s nothing worse than talking to someone who’s too busy looking at my chest (most likely because it’s been too long since they saw a pair without typing “youporn.com” first) to look me in the eyes. Next time you’re talking to a girl, do not break eye-contact at any cost. Even if she looks away, keep looking. If she sees that you’re still staring the next time she looks up, it’s really only a matter of time before her panties are in your mouth (make sure you keep looking up at her baby-blues then too).

- Quit being so polite: Chivalry isn’t just dead, it’s a serious lady-boner

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bartender of the week Nate t. Inferno Year: Senior

If you could work at another bar, which would you choose: Definitely Bar Bleu – they have a great staff.

Major: Kinesiology Relationship status: Taken

Describe yourself in three words: Humble, honest, hardworking

Hometown: Clarion, PA Best part of working at Inferno: You get to know a really wide variety of people that you normally wouldn’t get to meet in class.

Best night to work: Fridays and Saturdays are definitely busier, but during the week you get a lot of patrons and regulars.

Worst thing you’ve seen bartending: Two guys with absolutely no dancing skills started making out with each other out of nowhere.

Worst altercation with a customer: This one guy in the bathroom literally turned around while urinating and almost peed on the bouncer. I carried him out of there by the collar.

the drinking game:

Spring Break vacation pictures All right, so the vacation of a lifetime is over and you’ve probably have a couple SD cards full of drunk babes on the beach, Broseph Stalin on the back patio roof drinking a forty, and the time you got so drunk you got your ears pierced and then had no recollection of said memory. If they haven’t been posted to Facebook yet, you should probably get on that right away because you can’t play this game if you don’t.

What you’ll need: Lots of beer, hard liquor to take shots with, a laptop with access to internet and a Facebook account, Facebook friends who went on spring break How to play: First, make sure every person involved in the game has a beer. Next, go through the pictures one at a time. Every time you see the following, take the alcohol that correlates with it.

Take a drink of beer for every picture: - At the beach - At the hotel - At a club - On the road - In someone’s butt

Take a shot for every picture: - On the beach with girls in bikinis - In the club dancing/grinding - Of someone on the roof - Of someone getting a tattoo or piercing they’ll regret - Of someone clearly about to get in serious shit - Of someone clearly on drugs - Of someone passed out - Of someone at the hospital

The Game Ends When: All the pictures have been viewed, you’re done, and definitely don’t have a boner. Chances are you’re going to make it to 13 and feel like a winner.

download our app for all of our drinking games!

If you were a drink, what would you be: An Old Fashioned – strong but subtle Kill, bang, marry – Ryan Gosling, Channing Tatum, Bradley Cooper: Obvious choice – kill Channing, bang Bradley, marry Ryan.

Favorite food: Definitely crab legs. Hardly ever get to eat them but by far they're my favorite food.

Favorite color: My color would be black After school I want to…: Head out west and work as a personal trainer. Thinking Colorado or Cali at this point.

recipe for disaster: Cheesy Tots

Tater tots are like French fries’ fatter younger brother, man. But man, how did they get so fat when French fries are the ones covered in cheese, right man? Let’s try to remedy that situation and put the world back in the right place, man.

What You’ll Need: A bag of frozen tater tots, a sleeve of Kraft singles, and a few extra places to pack the pounds.

Cook Time: 30 minutes Fatty Factor: You’ll look like you’re carrying a tot in the ole’ belly.

Let’s Get Baked: - Pre-heat the oven to 450 degrees - Place the frozen tater tots on a baking sheet. If a baking sheet is not available, then you have bigger problems, mister.

- Once the oven is properly heated, place the tater tots in the oven for 20 minutes.

- After 20 minutes remove the baking sheet from the oven, Place the Kraft singles on the tater tots.

- Put the tater tots back in the oven for five minutes.

- After the cheese is melted, enjoy.

Ah, a starchy nothingness totally void of nutritional value. The communication major of food.

Hungry for More? theblacksheeponline.com

y Welcome to z

find the answers at theblacksheep onilne.com/got

Game of

hrones

People complain

1 or 2

porn?

internet porn is re-wiring our generation's brain to not care about the story, but Game of Thrones is like, 60% story! And the other 40%, well, the other 40% gives us an excuse to watch two ladies goin’ at it on the big screen in the living room like the good lord intended. Can you recall which of these scenes is from GoT and which is from a porn you won't admit to having watched?

1) Shot from a voyeur’s perspective, a naked woman is

2) A man lays injured in his bed, when an attractive woman

3)

4) It’s a stormy night. A voluptuous redhead in a robe walks

5) A man is put in an awkward situation when his best friend’s

6) In a dark dungeon a woman confronts a man who is tied

thrusting reverse-cowboy on top of a man. The camera then zooms out to reveal the voyeur isn’t the viewer, but a man receiving oral from a shirtless woman while spying on the two people having sex.

The scene opens to a shirtless brunette girl in a seethrough dress straddling the lap of another woman. She asks the other woman if she has ever kissed another girl, to which she says no, it had never crossed her mind. The girl then strips off her see-through dress and begins taking the other girl’s clothes off. They kiss, get naked, and kiss some more.

sister enters his room. He’s not sure what to say, so he compliments her dress. She says she likes it too, but like it better “this way,” and proceeds to take her top off. He is awestruck, and fumbles around for his words as she reaches down his pants and kisses him all naked-like. When he’s too nervous to get it up, she asks if he’d like her brother to join in the fun.

7) In a steaming hot tub, a skinny shirtless brunette strad-

walks in to nurse his wounds. She inspects his body starting with his head, looking for any abrasions or swelling. She comes across some major swelling at his waist. She pulls down the sheets to reveal the source of the swelling, and decides the best way to alleviate the swelling is immediately, with her mouth.

into a war room, demanding to talk to the general alone.

She starts with innocent conversation, but quickly moves to rubbing his loins. At first he denies her, saying he has a wife who he loves, but she eventually wins him over after dropping her robe to the ground. He proceeds to lay her out over the war table, knocking all the pieces off as he pounds away.

up to a post. The man is blindfolded and seems to have been down there for a while, but the woman shows no mercy and whips his bare chest. Though at first she seems to be his enemy, things quickly turn around as she begins rubbing her ass into his lap.

8) A man walks into his room to the surprise of two naked

dles the lap of a man with long blonde hair. The two are merely chatting about historical events, surely just sharing a tub. But soon the subject matter of the man’s conversation alone begins to make the girl climax, and the two engage in steamy hot tub sex.

women waiting for him. They say they’ll do anything he demands of them. He decides to tell them to start on each other, and sits back to watch the two girls perform oral on each other. Soon he decides to heat things up by having one girl spank the other. As he gets more excited, he tells one to use a belt on her while he watches, telling them to hit harder.

Finally, he picks up a thick black post and watches as they scream (in pleasure?)

9) A well-dressed man sits in his fancy office awaiting word from one of his workers. In walks

10) Looking through a peephole, the camera shows many women running around naked, and

a blonde woman in a skimpy dress to “alert him of some pressing news.” He doesn’t care too much about the news though, especially after she props herself on top of his table and straddles him with her legs.

Despite the impending news from his attendants, the two engage in a long, sexual adventure.

11)

A midget stands tall while receiving an intense blow job from a large-breasted redhead. Just before he finishes the two move over to the bed to take things up a notch, but they’re quickly interrupted when the midget’s brother busts into the room. The brother doesn’t seem to mind what he is witnessing, and proceeds to invite three more shirtless women to climb into the midget’s bed.

13)

Open scene to a room full of naked women. Two in the corner are boisterously going at it. A man wanders in, but instead of joining in, starts to direct them on what to do to each other, and how to do it. As he speaks to them, the two women twist into several different positions before climaxing.

15)

In the hull of a pirate ship, a maiden is at the mercy of her capturer(s). She insists she is uncertain of where her rich father’s treasures are, but offers to provide booty of a different kind. The men inquire as to what kind of booty she is talking about, and the woman says “a treasure her father values greater than all of his gold,” and drops her dress to the floor.

innocently undressing. Soon, however, the man looking through the peephole is caught by a naked woman when she lays her hand on his shoulder.

Instead of scolding him, though, she pushes him to the ground and proceeds to have sex with him.

12)

A boy is visiting his friend when his friend’s mom walks in. She tells him his friend will be just a moment, and asks if he’d like anything while he waits. Before he responds, his friend’s mom is sitting very close to him on the couch with her arm gently resting on his lap. He nervously asks for something to drink, to which she takes her shirt off and starts undoing his pants.

14) Upon entering his chambers, a man finds the woman who was supposed to be watching over his children bare naked in his bed. He asks what’s going on, stating a person of her stature has no business being in his bed, let alone naked.

She asserts that he not worry about paying her, Her supple beauty entrances him, however, and the two engage in… all sorts of sexual deeds.

16)

It’s a dark night in a candle-lit room. A giant man with bulging muscles lies in bed awaiting a small, pale skinned blonde. Just as he’s about to have his way with her, pushing her face into the pillows, she pushes him back into the bed and gets on top, dominating him for the rest of the scene.

one very long answer from

Alex Maas, Vocalist for The Black Angels This past week The Black Sheep was fortunate enough to sit down with Alex Maas, vocalist for Austin-based psych rock group The Black Angels. Normally we have a nice back-andforth conversation in which we ask questions and get answers. Sure, that happened, but the first question we asked Alex turned into a sprawling six-minute epic that deserves to stand on its own. Their new album, Indigo Meadow hits the world on April 2nd, followed by a national tour. If you like this answer, you’ll like them. Give ‘em a whirl.

The Black Sheep: Psychedelic rock is a very specific subgenre. What attracted you to it in the first place? What led you to it?

Alex Maas: I mean it was basically the music we were the most drawn to. The music we were most interested in came from the late-60s era, and obviously people have hinted at that sound ever since that era came to a close. The [13th Floor] Elevators kind of claimed to coin the term “psychedelic rock n’ roll,” they were the first to put those two things together.

But psychedelic music has been around since the dawn of time, right? Think about a tribe of people in the forest, and shamans taking them on a journey, a story about many generations—educational stories that their fathers had learnt over the years. That’s it, the first spiritual story that you’re telling someone through music. That concept—the storytelling concept—is intriguing in itself, whether you put “psychedelic” on it or not really isn’t the point. The idea that people refer to it—the psychedelic scene—as psychedelic, to me it’s less about the music and more about how the music makes you feel. It’s the sonic alchemist approach that we’re doing, where we’re trying to make the guitar sound like something else.

Like, “What is that? Is that a guitar, or is that a helicopter?”

That’s really interesting to me.

You can talk about this being experimental music, or whatever, but to me the root of it is rock n’ roll. It’s not bar rock.

There’s a difference, you know, between that white bar rock kind of thing and psychedelic rock. One of the main differences is, the feeling musicians have on stage, and the listener gets when listening to the music, so it’s always been about the music being a spiritual thing for us. It’s a sonic journey we take someone on. If it’s a different night we’ll take you on the same journey, but in a slightly different way.

entertainment-y things to

The reason I think I’m drawn to it, basically, is I think it has a little more soul to it. That’s why I keep referencing indigenous tribes, both currently and in the past. They are telling stories with the music, that’s why I play the music. If [I’m seeing] any band is playing music, I like to think where I am in that scenario, where the music takes me, whether it’s the Balkan Mountains in the 1930s, or wherever.

For me, psychedelic music has this visual thing that happens, and it’s more a spiritual experience than anything. That’s not to say other music can’t be psychedelic, it can—delta blues can be psychedelic, that 1920s or 30s style blues, that twangy, swampy guitar sounds like a bumblebee coming. That can be psychedelic. It can be soulful and moving. It’s coming from this soulful spot. The music makes us feel, and that’s why we’re drawn to it. And at the end of the day the goal is to translate this visceral experience through sound.

the big three

Game of Thrones: Season 3 Premiere Sunday, March 31st at 9pm on HBO Boobs, swords, midgets, magic, dragons. Boobs, swords, midgets, magic, dragons. Boobs, swords, midgets, magic, dragons. Boobs, swords, midgets, magic, dragons. Boobs, swords, midgets, magic, dragons. Boobs, swords, midgets, magic, dragons. Boobs, swords, midgets, magic, dragons. Need to know anything else?

keep your eye out for.

Rilo Kiley Rkives out april 2

Cold War kids Dear miss lonelyhearts out april 2

These indie rock cutie-pies led by all-around perfect Jenny Lewis broke up back in 2011, as the nation sighed an exasperated sigh. If these kids couldn't make it, who could?

Luckily for us, their latest release, Rkives, is a compilation album of previously released rarities and unreleased material, and we'll take anything we can get. Check out "Let Me Back In" and sigh at how cute the music video is. Ah, love springs eternal!

Arguably, Cold War Kids peaked early with their phenomenal 2006 debut album Robbers & Cowards, but have since steadily declined in the quality and originality of their music. But we like to see the glass half-full around here, and keep holding onto hope that they'll surprise with some more awesome tunes. Youtube has a few album teasers, and they sound pretty good to us.

page 14

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get in our maze

the crossword: super mario world Across 1) Five Yoshi coins gets you a free this 3) BFF Dinosaur 5) The Forest of _____ 7) It’s-a me!

9) The flavor of the 3rd world 10) Dumb jocks 13) Lakitu flies on this and throws shit at you 15) The Princess of this fruit

16) To get to the Special World, you have to beat this world 17) Blargg will be found creeping in this hot, red mess 18) A caterpillar that’s yellow, until it gets mad Down 1) Brother from another plumber 2) Great Demon King Koopa 4) If you look at these guys, they won’t bother you 6) Bowsers minions 7) These are indestructible species of Piranha plants 8) Yellow and purple arch rival of Mario 10) The flavor of the world before Valley of Bowser 11) Getting a feather will give you this 12) This world has levels called “Tubular” and “Groovy” 14) Pokey is the guardian of this type of terrain

Meet The Staff campus manager David Porter Callanan

PR Manager Olivia Sloan

Advertising ManagerS David Porter Callanan, Olivia Sloan, Manisha Yarlagadda

pr team Kendall Biesecker, Briana Meme, Jenna Seco

Writers Celeste Beckman, David Porter Callanan, Devin Cox, Kayla Danielle Driscoll, Alexander Long, Sammy Mancuso, Ben Morse, Katie Severino, Evan Witmer

campus director Quinn Myers owner Atish Doshi

distribution manager David Porter Callanan

Founders Atish Doshi, Brendan Bonham, Heather Jo Erickson, Jimmy DeBlasio, Jessica Sommers, Quinn Myers

photographer You? You!

Questions? info@theblacksheeponline.com

Disclaimer The Black Sheep in no way promotes, encourages or supports binge drinking, and/or under-age drinking. This newspaper is designed for entertainment purposes only and does not recommend attempting anything printed in this publication. Please drink...responsibly and legally.

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the madlib: april fool's day Dude, __1__ just left and I’ve been planning an April Fools’ Day prank that’ll have him shitting in his pants. It’ll be even better than last year, when we convinced him it would be a good idea to __2__ his __3__ to his __4__.

Okay, are you ready to hear this mind-bending flash of genius? Here’s what we’re going to do: We’re going to make __5__ kill himself. I’ve been saving these __6__ hits of __7__ I picked up at the __8__ concert I attended last summer just for this occasion.

Here’s how we’re going to do it: First, we need to convince him that he’s actually a 12-foot tall __9__ named __10__.

Trust me, __11__’s weird, so convincing him won’t be too hard. Once he really starts to feel it, let the games begin.

We’ll feed him a bunch of __12__, but we’ll tell him he’s really eating __13__, which will totally freak him out. After, we’ll take him outside. When he starts getting handsy with strangers we’ll warn him that people are actually __14__, so he shouldn’t touch them. Finally, we’ll lead him to the roof of __15__, where the plan comes to fruition.

Once we’re on the roof we’ll let him know we’re actually __16__ from __17__, and he’s destined to save our planet from certain destruction. We’ll let him know the only way he’ll be able to save us is by catching a __18__ __19__ that’s supposed to appear any minute. Just then, we’ll throw an inflatable water toy off the roof, scream “It’s a __20__!” and see him plummet to his death.

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It’s going to be so hilarious, man.

1) Name of a man 2) Verb 3) Body part 4) Different body part 5) Same name as 1 6) Number 7) Drug 8) Band or musician 9) Animal 10) Weird name

on college avenue

11) Same name as 1 12) Food 13) Gross item 14) Futuristic thing 15) Campus building 16) Mythical creature (plural) 17) Imaginary land 18) Color 19) Mythical creature 20) Same as 19

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