The Black Sheep
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• a college newspaper that’s actually about college •
Volume 1, Issue 4 • 4/4/13 - 4/10/13
theblacksheeponline.com @BlackSheep_PSU
the black sheep guide to penn state libraries Devin Cox wrote this
Bust out that Adderall and chug the rest of that Red Bull, friend. Finals are just around the corner and that means the four classes you said you’ll “crack-down and catch up on” are about to blow your GPA into the mesosphere, as your late-drop credits dwindle alongside your financial aid coverage. Remember what George Bush said about being the president despite a C+ grade point average? Well his dad was the former Commander in Chief and his mom was a bag of pirate treasure; so instead of the White House, your broke ass will hunker down in some dark corner of the library in order pass that final econ exam. Albert Einstein once said, “Any time you have a life-altering exam coming up, your roommates will subsequently have nothing to do but stay in the apartment and piss you off all day.” Therefore, you’ll need to seek asylum in the labyrinth of sadness we call the PSU library system. But this journey is not for the weak; these book-laden paths are filled with enough lost souls and confused Asians to break even the strongest mind’s concentration. Heed our warnings as you venture out in the vast network of computer labs and hidden passageways, for it may save your life (but mostly just your GPA). - If Penn State was a small-scale version of the world, its glory, the Stacks Library, would be the Bermuda Triangle. Those courageous students that choose the path into its maze may never see the light of day again. The Black Sheep had a writing staff meeting there once; we had to hire a new team afterward. - If you're the type of person that can concentrate in any environment, we recommend the second floor of Paterno Library. At any given time you can take a reprieve from studying to listen to on the weekend plans a nearby sorority girl is yelling into her friend’s face. - Say you’re the only student in your (Insert Liberal Arts Major Here) that takes it seriously; you’re not going to find a place to study in any of your designated buildings. Piggyback a ride to the Engineering Library with your roommate; he’ll show you that nice, quiet place dreams go to die. But if the occasional faint sound of a mental breakdown or the soft crying of an ME student really breaks your concentration, bring some headphones. - There’s a better chance of getting killed by falling plane parts than getting your name on the study room list in the library. Don’t even bother.
NCAA, Mark Emmert strips PSU grads of degrees
- The only person more unanimously hated than the guy using the last computer for Facebook, is the guy using his MacBook Pro in front of the last computer—which is turned off. Listen douche-fart, there are 10,000 other places in this abyss of a campus for you to sit and make shitty beats on GarageBand, stop taking up space we need with that poor excuse of an existence. - Just because you aren’t speaking English doesn’t mean we can’t hear you. Whatever beautiful country your native tongue was derived from has the same volume-control standards we value here. Be polite, be quiet, and stop pretending you don’t know what “No Group Study Area” means.
what'’s inside
Top 10 Ways to Get Rid of a hangover
Another year, another set of unexplainable sanctions from the NCAA that will cripple Penn State.
The only thing worse than a hangover is our advice on how to get rid of a hangover.
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- Hunger and desperation are two feelings that hit every student in the midst of an intensive study regime. If you are to follow only piece of advice given here, it is to never, under any circumstances eat food from vending machines found in the basement of any library. Those have been installed as a measure of student-body population control, and choices such as beef jerky or cheesecrackers will result in imminent death or, even worse, diarrhea. There you have it, studious… students. Why be cooped up in your room by yourself when you can be sad with everyone else in the library? Just pack a lunch, call your mom, and remember your compass, and we’re sure you’ll at least walk away with a B- in that class you hate.
Bartender of the week J.C. from Inferno would like to enjoy a cocktail with Barack Obama.
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