The Black Sheep
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• a college newspaper that’s actually about college •
Volume 1, Issue 4 • 4/4/13 - 4/10/13
theblacksheeponline.com @BlackSheep_PSU
the black sheep guide to penn state libraries Devin Cox wrote this
Bust out that Adderall and chug the rest of that Red Bull, friend. Finals are just around the corner and that means the four classes you said you’ll “crack-down and catch up on” are about to blow your GPA into the mesosphere, as your late-drop credits dwindle alongside your financial aid coverage. Remember what George Bush said about being the president despite a C+ grade point average? Well his dad was the former Commander in Chief and his mom was a bag of pirate treasure; so instead of the White House, your broke ass will hunker down in some dark corner of the library in order pass that final econ exam. Albert Einstein once said, “Any time you have a life-altering exam coming up, your roommates will subsequently have nothing to do but stay in the apartment and piss you off all day.” Therefore, you’ll need to seek asylum in the labyrinth of sadness we call the PSU library system. But this journey is not for the weak; these book-laden paths are filled with enough lost souls and confused Asians to break even the strongest mind’s concentration. Heed our warnings as you venture out in the vast network of computer labs and hidden passageways, for it may save your life (but mostly just your GPA). - If Penn State was a small-scale version of the world, its glory, the Stacks Library, would be the Bermuda Triangle. Those courageous students that choose the path into its maze may never see the light of day again. The Black Sheep had a writing staff meeting there once; we had to hire a new team afterward. - If you're the type of person that can concentrate in any environment, we recommend the second floor of Paterno Library. At any given time you can take a reprieve from studying to listen to on the weekend plans a nearby sorority girl is yelling into her friend’s face. - Say you’re the only student in your (Insert Liberal Arts Major Here) that takes it seriously; you’re not going to find a place to study in any of your designated buildings. Piggyback a ride to the Engineering Library with your roommate; he’ll show you that nice, quiet place dreams go to die. But if the occasional faint sound of a mental breakdown or the soft crying of an ME student really breaks your concentration, bring some headphones. - There’s a better chance of getting killed by falling plane parts than getting your name on the study room list in the library. Don’t even bother.
NCAA, Mark Emmert strips PSU grads of degrees
- The only person more unanimously hated than the guy using the last computer for Facebook, is the guy using his MacBook Pro in front of the last computer—which is turned off. Listen douche-fart, there are 10,000 other places in this abyss of a campus for you to sit and make shitty beats on GarageBand, stop taking up space we need with that poor excuse of an existence. - Just because you aren’t speaking English doesn’t mean we can’t hear you. Whatever beautiful country your native tongue was derived from has the same volume-control standards we value here. Be polite, be quiet, and stop pretending you don’t know what “No Group Study Area” means.
what'’s inside
Top 10 Ways to Get Rid of a hangover
Another year, another set of unexplainable sanctions from the NCAA that will cripple Penn State.
The only thing worse than a hangover is our advice on how to get rid of a hangover.
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- Hunger and desperation are two feelings that hit every student in the midst of an intensive study regime. If you are to follow only piece of advice given here, it is to never, under any circumstances eat food from vending machines found in the basement of any library. Those have been installed as a measure of student-body population control, and choices such as beef jerky or cheesecrackers will result in imminent death or, even worse, diarrhea. There you have it, studious… students. Why be cooped up in your room by yourself when you can be sad with everyone else in the library? Just pack a lunch, call your mom, and remember your compass, and we’re sure you’ll at least walk away with a B- in that class you hate.
Bartender of the week J.C. from Inferno would like to enjoy a cocktail with Barack Obama.
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contents page 4: The Silver Lining in The Slippery Slope Against Gay Marriage
Questions? Comments? Compliments? Insults? info@theblacksheeponline.com
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Cheer up Christians! If the slippery slopes occurs (it won’t) you can always do this!
page 5: From the Streets
What was your best night time experience on the bus?
page 6: Senior Unaware he has no marketable skills Yeah, but at least he's funny as shit.
Table of
page 6: How to Go Home Alone at Penn State
No one wants to go home alone, so just do the opposite of our advice
page 9: Farting etiquette
Everyone does it, even Beyonce, so learn how to do it right.
pages 12-13: WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!! 7 upcoming movies that highlight our obsession with the end of the world.
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word of the week Illuminaughty:
A secret society that exists on hundreds of college campuses, they aim to prevent loser freshmen from ever getting laid. “‘If it wasn’t for the Illuminaughty I totally would have slept with a bunch of skanks by now,’ the delusional freshman muttered in disgust.”
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A Silver Lining in the Slippery Slope Against Gay Marriage Adam Cochrane wrote this
With both Proposition 8 and the Defense of Marriage Act (DOMA) on the line, the far Christian right might have a lot to fear when the Supreme Court issues its verdict at the end of June. As many gay marriage opponents have pointed out, either on Fox News or in the chambers of the federal government, gay marriage is just the beginning of a dangerous slippery slope that will rock our country’s moral fiber. Soon, according to these voices, people will begin to marry goats, fruits, and inanimate objects. In addition, according to conservatives, thanks to this country’s liberal attitudes to contentious social issues, America is tiptoeing the line between being a morally sound country and invoking God’s indignant judgment upon our populace. However, conservatives are missing a real opportunity on the slippery slope of moral depravity. If all their predictions about the slippery slope come true, conservatives will finally be able to show God how much they love him by marrying his holy book, the Bible. Let’s be honest here, Christians are already married to the Bible. They talk about how great it is all the time, they would die for it, they hang onto its every word and pray with it every night. So why can’t the federal government, and by extension state governments, recognize this holy union of person and a leather back Bible? Well in the world of the slippery slope, this marriage would not only be recognized by the government, but also ordained by the church. Nothing else in the world would show how
committed you are to Christ than by putting a ring on that special hard-bound Bible you’ve been eyeing since the ripe age of 18. Nothing would quite solidify your faith like not having to hide in the darkness when you open up the good book, grease up the pages, and slid your hard, hot body all over it. And nothing could pronounce your love for a certain passage than unleashing a hot load of jizz all over it, and not have to lie about it in public. There is a real possibility here for Christians when we loosen the restrictions that bind us to a rigid definition of marriage. The Black Sheep understands why Christians don’t want to see gays and lesbians have federally -ecognized marriages -- for years, the sometimes physical, loving relationship Christians have with their biblical text went unnoticed and unrecognized by the government and society. If they can’t literally thump their beloved book, then why should two members of the same sex be able to thump one another? A jealous heart is an unhappy heart; why should someone else be happy when others are denied the ability to pursue their own happiness? So let’s ride together down the twist and turns of the slippery slope of moral depravity, because when we hit the bottom of said slippery slope, true opportunities can be found for Christians who just want to express their love for the Bible in a government recognized civil union. If the next step after gay marriage is human-object marriage then so be it. At least then the religious right won’t have to lie about why certain pages of their Bible stick together.
NCAA, Mark Emmert to Strip Degrees from PSU Graduates dpc wrote this Nearly nine months after placing sanctions on the Penn State football program that vacated over 100 wins, NCAA President Mark Emmert announced on Monday morning he will be stripping degrees from all Penn State alumni that graduated from 19982011. President Emmert explained the new sanctions during a press conference televised on ESPN.
incident immediately afterwards. The NCAA continued to stand by their president.
“We want to make it seem like that time period never happened at Penn State. We already took their wins and made them disappear, so why not take their degrees too?” said President Emmert.
ESPN on the other hand, decided to apologize to their viewers in a lengthy public statement, but still went out of their way to ridicule Penn State.
Emmert, who appeared to be incredibly intoxicated, opened the very strange press conference in which he tried to recreate a scene from The Dark Knight Rises. He began the conference by yelling, “I am Penn State’s reckoning” while donning the same mask as the infamous Batman villain known as Bane.
“We were just trying to make good television, but the plan backfired. ESPN apologizes to any young viewers that may have seen Mr. Emmert’s inappropriate actions. Tune into ESPN2 tomorrow morning to see Skip Bayless and Stephen A. Smith anoint Mr. Emmert the second coming of Christ.”
Things only got worse from there. Emmert then started doing popular dance titled “The Dougie” in front of a crowd of confused journalists. Next he played his personal remix of the song A$AP Rocky song “F***in’ Problem,” though Emmert’s version was entitled “Culture Problem.” Lyrics to Emmert’s remix included “I hate Penn State, they got a culture problem. Ridiculous punishments, the only way to solve it.”
Penn State alumni were outraged when they found out their degrees were now invalid, but also admitted it didn’t surprise them at all.
He then exclaimed “Yo, this is my shit,” before punching several members of the NCAA board in the face. ESPN pulled the broadcast after Mr. Emmert continued to shout expletives and flashed his middle finger on camera. NCAA and ESPN released separate statements about the bizarre
In the statement, the National Collegiate Athletic Association said “the NCAA is a dictatorship. We have never apologized for President Emmert’s antics in the past, so why would we now?”
“I am an outraged individual!” said 2001 Penn State graduate Mark Johnson. “The NCAA has consistently gone out of its jurisdiction in the past, but is this even legal? I wasn’t even an athlete.”
the law, we will continue to do whatever we want, whenever we want. Deal with it.” In the past year the NCAA has now placed two separate sanctions on Penn State that have crippled both the athletic and academic departments. Meanwhile, the NCAA is currently investigating their own investigation, where they improperly obtained information in a bankruptcy scandal at the University of Miami. No seriously, we’re not kidding, that is a thing that actually happened. The Penn State Board of Trustees (BOT) reacted to the newly imposed sanctions similarly to the athletic sanctions of 2012, announcing that they “just want to move on.”
Once informed that stripping graduates of degrees was against the law, the NCAA continued to stand by their decision and released another statement on their website, this one from Mr. Emmert himself.
“We respect Mr. Emmert and the NCAA’s decision even if it is irrational and illegal.” said Pennsylvania Governor and BOT member Tom Corbett.
“First off, I regret nothing that happen at the press conference because YOLO and stuff like that. Secondly, the NCAA is above
In the meantime over 100,000 Penn State former graduates are out of work due to their invalid degrees. All will be running for the Penn State Board of Trustees this fall.
From the Streets
[PartyPics]
Got a question you want us to ask? FTS@theblacksheeponline.com
What was your best night time experience on the bus? “I punched a guy in the face. This drunk guy’s friends kept calling him a pussy and I agreed, so he said ‘No, punch me in the face.’ I was confused at first, but then I decided ‘Eh, fuck it.’ It was awesome.” - Brooke
“My friend had just gotten into a fight and was all bloody in the face. We were on the bus and he laughed, and two girls in front of him turned to make fun of him about his laugh when they saw the blood. We ended up having a twenty minute conversation about jerks, racism, and laughs.” - Liam
“I was on the bus this one night, and the driver started singing ‘Sweet Caroline’ on the intercom. The entire bus started joining in. This driver was the one with the glasses who loves Joe Pa. God, I love that man.” - Swati
send your party pics to pics@theblacksheeponline.com
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Senior unaware he has no marketable skills tbs staff wrote this “I'm thinking I might as well put a down payment on a house now. Why wait? I can put it on my mom's credit card, and I'll make enough money in like five months to pay it off completely. Can you imagine how embarrassing it'd be if the fellas at Microsoft found out the new guy was living in some tiny-ass luxury apartment?” senior Chris Gerblanski laughed and shook his head. “No way. 'Have the house for the job you want,’ that's what Trump said. Or what he would say, if he was as smart of a business guy as I am.” Chris, like so many graduating seniors, hasn't begun to accept the reality that he doesn't offer anything any employer would ever want. “I saw my ex Becky waiting tables at Oh O's the other day. Hahaha, what a stupid bitch! Can't she see how degrading that is?” Becky graduated at the top of her class with a degree in speech pathology, makes roughly $30 an hour, and spends almost all of her free time sending in applications and resumes. “All the big Fortune 300 guys are gonna look at her and think 'here's some chick who just wants to make an easy buck and doesn't follow her dreams.' And then they'll look at my resume and be all like 'now here's a guy who doesn't settle for no bullshit.'” Chris proudly mentioned he'd never had a job, because he's saving himself for “the one.” “Read the Bible, man, that's how God wants it to be.” While he added “businessy” clip-art to all the blank space on his MS Word resume, Chris told us about his qualifications and life achievements. “Look at all this, man. Work experience: None. I got a full tank of gas, baby, unlike all these other overworked burnouts. "Philanthropy: I'm always down to give food to the hobos, as long as it's after 2 on a Saturday and I'm not too hung over and nothing cool is going on. Oh, and I made that red equals sign my profile picture, and I always almost give a dollar to the diabetes-for-kids thing at the Wegman's checkout.” “Other skills: I'm funny as shit. The other day I saw this fatty, and I was like 'hey, fatty!' and she looked over and I pretended I was eating a big thing of ice cream. I'm totally down to be the
office Jim. And my brain is like a steel trap, man, I remember everything I learned in school. All that stuff about inventory, factories, selling stuff, and uhhhh...ahhh, what's the other thing... oh yeah, accountanting! If there's a problem and they come to me all like 'Chris, we need to know how many race cars to buy,' I'll be like 'we need enough supply to meet the demand.' Boom, that's business.” Unfortunately, Chris is completely unaware that he's missing 15 credit hours and still has to retake four classes before he can graduate. But instead of working on his final projects, he's been spending his time researching ways to avoid random drug tests. “I'm pretty sure I can just pee through some cotton balls. It might not work for everybody, but I smoke so much fine sticky-ass dope-ass chronic weed that the pot molecules are definitely big enough to get stuck in them.”
How To Go Home Alone At Penn State Kayla Driscoll wrote this Each weekend at Penn State, ladies venture out from the safe, nurturing environment of our humble abodes, scented of candles and Herbal Essences (I have, however since switched products after their painfully awkward airplane-orgasm commercial starring Nicole Scherzinger). We race home from our last class on Thursday to clean and groom ourselves to perfection while ripping shots and mentally preparing for the night ahead. It’s a ritual we go through so that basic bitches and guys alike will look at us in admiration, and those of us who aren’t taken or trying to up our body count might even give you boys a shot.
Some ways to completely screw up: - Blindly and generically flattering us: We know we’re hot, we wouldn’t have gone out if we thought we looked bad. And I’m pretty sure you don’t know me enough to call me an amazing person (joke’s on you, seven out of ten of us are insane). - Threatening to leave the party if we don’t put out: This has actually happened to us before on Halloween, so if you’re reading this please take a lesson before you embarrass yourself again. It’s psycho, off-putting, and makes us think you just want to add us to the growing pile of dead bodies in your closet.
Just as there is a scientific method to the night leading up to our entrance at the bar, frat, or apartment, there’s a procedure to getting (and keeping) our attention that, if violated, will most likely result in embarrassment and rejection—two things we’re very good at facilitating.
And above all, don’t you dare tear us away from our friends.
First, keep in mind that if we’re recognizably more attractive than you or the usual demographic of females that you approach, you probably shouldn’t be wasting our time. You can’t make a filet mignon out of a pork sandwich, yet we understand miracles do happen. You’re feeling extra ambitious, but it’s a good idea to wait until we’re noticeably intoxicated before you strut over in your half-buttoned long-sleeve. Speaking of which, we’d like to mention that it’s also in your favor not to jump the “eye-contact-gun.” If we haven’t looked at you since we sat down forty minutes ago, chances are we’re more interested in our friends or another guy that we find more suitable, so stop staring at our eyelids. Congratulations, you’ve either swooped in next to us at the bar or cornered us at the party. You’ve got about sixty seconds depending on how cute you are before we give you a pass or fail.
Finally, the dancer floor is the best place to unleash that inner creepiness. Guys—in your defense, there really isn’t much of a “right” way to go about approaching a girl on the dance floor without having talked her into it beforehand. However, sneaking up behind us and dry-humping our unsuspecting ass is NOT a valid substitute for striking up a conversation. For those of you who make the cut and get a chance to dance with us, you’re about halfway there. We advise against the following actions:
Most importantly, if you attempt to slip a finger in, you’ll get a fistjob straight to the nut sack, and then we’ll be out of sight before the pain subsides long enough for you to reopen your eyes.
You can’t lick our ears or neck, that’s disgusting. We could get more romantic foreplay from Jerry Sandusky.
Picking up a girl is pretty much impossible because the term “picking up” is trashy to begin with. Hopefully, this article is a lesson to all those who think they can walk into a feminine orchard and effortlessly pull a woman off the vine. The exception is if you’ve got a six-pack like Magic Mike and a, ahem, member like the pole he dances on, in which case most of everything you just read doesn’t apply.
There is no excuse for a grinding boner—seriously, control yourself.
Welcome to college, the place where dreams are crushed and confidence levels are leveled.
Don’t get your salty-perspiration all over us, we work hard to smell as good as we do… so don’t drip your whiskey-sweat on our neck as you lean over to whisper sweet nothings.
the black sheep mobile | for iphone & android
The
Top 10
Ways to get Rid of a Hangover
10.) Chug milk: Remember when you were a kid and your parents told you to drink milk to get big and strong? This is exactly what they we’re talking about. If you spill some, don’t cry, just lick that shit up, every ounce is important and you definitely won’t puke it all up. 9.) Stare into the sun: Similar to milk, UV rays from the sun have vitamin D, which make your bones big and strong. Also, staring into the sun could potentially cause you to go blind, which will make you forget about your hangover. 8.) Run a marathon: This will make you sweat out at all the alcohol! Side note: use a towel to wipe up your sweat. Once the towel fully absorbs the sweat, wring it out and drink it – it’s like a Bloody Mary! 7.) Polar bear plunge: Since alcohol doesn’t freeze your body will have to work extra hard to keep you warm, thus metabolizing the alcohol like, 10 times faster! Science! There is also a chance of getting hypothermia from diving into the freezing water, and nothing gets rid of a hangover like barely clinging onto life in the ER.
6.) Take shots: You know that old myth about drinking the same thing from the night before to help your hangover go away? It’s actually true! Especially if it’s bottom shelf vodka or rum or a homeless man’s urine. So break out the Vlad and chug away! 5.) Take copious amounts of narcotics: We’re talking like an absurd amount, until you’re numb and foaming at the mouth. That way the pain from your little headache will either melt away as you unconsciously lay in your bathtub, or you will overdose and die – either is better than that kind of upset stomach and headache from before. 4.) Listen to death metal: The screeching of the lead singer, the double bass drums pounding your eardrums, the guitar slicing through your skull -- death metal cures everything, especially when you succumb to the dark lord and let his power course through your veins. 3.) Quit your job and/or drop out school: Stress worsens any sort of ailment. What are the most stressful things in the world? Work and school. Eliminate the stress, eliminate that hangover. It’s that simple. 2.) Call your mom or girlfriend: Ask them how their day and or night has been, and what their friends are up to. Sit back and listening to the BOOMING conversation go on for hours. Human interaction has been proven to help with hangovers according to this study we made up, something something endorphins. 1.) Die: If you’re dead then you can’t be hungover, right? What would be better to calm your aching head and regret than the cold, peaceful slumber of death. And in that sleep of death wet dreams may come!
David Porter Callanan and Jenna Seco wrote this
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The Bar Grid Happy Hour Every Night 10PM-Midnight!
Sun - Thu Happy Hour 9:30 - 11:30 1/2 Price Mixed Drinks & Mixed Shots, $3 Featured Drinks available all day everyday $12 Hookahs before 9pm
Every Night! 10-12: $2 Strong Island Iced Teas, $2 Shots (over 100 choices), $3 Colossal Teas, $3 22oz Bacardi drinks in all 13 flavors, $3 Vegas Bombs and all bomb shots, $3 Smirnoff drinks , $4 Smirnoff and Red Bull, $4 Patron shots
SUNDAY - THURSDAY $3 Local Pint of the Day (all day) 10PM-11PM: $2.50 Spiced Rum and Coke/Bourbon and Coke, $2.50 Local Pints
THURS. 4/4
Happy Hour 10pm-12am: $2 ABC's, $3 Grey Goose $1.50 Bud Lite Drafts (All Day)
Pop Culture Party (9PM-2AM), $2.50 Bud light drafts/ $7.50 pitchers (All Day) Happies 10PM - midnight: Half price all Liquor and Mixed Drinks ($1 extra for Red Bull during happies)
Thirsty Thursdays Featuring DJ Drew! Happy Hour 9:30 - 11:30 1/2 Price Mixed Drinks & Mixed Shots $3 featured Drinks available all day
DJ Cashous! Free Cover 9-10pm, $3 Cover After
$3 Local Pint of the Day (all day) 10PM-11PM: $2.50 Spiced Rum and Coke/Bourbon and Coke, $2.50 Local Pints
FRI. 4/5
Happy Hour 10pm-12am: $3 Absolute Bacardi Flavors, $2 Blue Moon Drafts (All Day)
Rock & Roll All Night (9PM-2AM), $3 Blue Moon drafts/ $9 pitchers Happies 10 PM - midnight (except home games): $2.50 moonshiners, $3.50 flavored vodka and Bacardi Oakheart ($2 extra for Red Bull during happies)
Featuring DJ Cashous Happy Hour 9:30 - 11:30 $3 Smirnoff Drinks $3 Jose Cuervo Shots $12 Hookahs before 9 pm
DJ Manik Mike (State College's only video DJ) Free Cover 9-10pm, $3 Cover After
$3 Local Pint of the Day (all day) 5PM-7PM, 10PM-12AM: $2.50 Spiced Rum and Coke/Bourbon and Coke, $2.50 Local Pints
SAT. 4/6
Happy Hour 10pm-12am: $3 Absolute Bacardi Flavors, $2 Blue Moon Drafts (All Day)
Free For All Music Fest + DJ (9PM-2AM), Blue Moon $3 draft/$9 pitchers (all day) Happies 10 PM midnight (except home games): $2.50 moonshiners, $3.50 flavored vodka and Bacardi Oakheart ($2 extra for Red Bull during happies)
Featuring DJ Keigo Happy Hour 9:30 - 11:30 $3 Smirnoff Drinks $3 Jose Cuervo Shots $12 Hookahs before 9 pm
DJ Kid AV and special guests! Free Cover 9-10pm, $3 Cover After
$3 Local Pint of the Day (all day) 10PM-12AM: $2.50 Spiced Rum and Coke/Bourbon and Coke, $2.50 Local Pints
SUN. 4/7
Full menu + Brunch 11am - 2pm
Nascar & Maxin' Relaxin (9PM2AM), Bud light $2.50 drafts /$7.50 pitchers (all day) Happies: 10PMmidnight: Half off all liquor ($1 extra for Red Bull during happies), $2 Miller light drafts/ $6 Pitchers, $1.75 Coors Light bottles
S.I.N. Sundays $10 Hookahs All Day Happy Hour 9:30 - 11:30 1/2 Price Mixed Drinks & Mixed Shots, $3 Featured Drinks available all day
10-12: $2 Strong Island Iced Teas, $2 Shots (over 100 choices), $3 Colossal Teas, $3 22oz Bacardi drinks in all 13 flavors, $3 Vegas Bombs and all bomb shots, $3 Smirnoff drinks , $4 Smirnoff and Red Bull, $4 Patron shots
$3 Local Pint of the Day (all day) 10PM-11PM: $2.50 Spiced Rum and Coke/Bourbon and Coke, $2.50 Local Pints
MON. 4/8
Check out our awardwinning wine list! Voted best wine list by State College Mag!
Modern Music! Molson Canadian $2.50 Drafts, $7.50 pitchers (All Day) $2 Miller Light drafts/ $6 Pitchers, $1.75 Coors Light bottles Happies 10PM-midnight: Half off all liquor and mixed drinks ($1 extra for Red Bull during happies)
Mellow Mondays! $3 Select Apps & $5 Sandwiches Happy Hour 9:30 - 11:30 $5 Martinis, 1/2 Price Mixed Drinks & Mixed Shots
10-12: $2 Strong Island Iced Teas, $2 Shots (over 100 choices), $3 Colossal Teas, $3 22oz Bacardi drinks in all 13 flavors, $3 Vegas Bombs and all bomb shots, $3 Smirnoff drinks , $4 Smirnoff and Red Bull, $4 Patron shots
$3 Local Pint of the Day (all day) 10PM-11PM: $2.50 Spiced Rum and Coke/Bourbon and Coke, $2.50 Local Pints
TUES. 4/9
5 Consecutive Awards from Wine Spectator - Come Try Some Tonight!
Country Crossover (9PM-2AM), Budweiser $2.50 drafts / $7.50 pitchers (all day) Happies 10PM - midnight: $2.75 Jack Daniels drinks, $2.50 Lynchburg Lemonades, $2.50 Alabama Slammers, $1.50 Miller Lite drafts, $4.50 Miller Lite pitchers, $1.75 Coors Lt. bottles ($2 Dollars extra for red bull during happies)
Featuring Weekly DJ's Happy Hour 9:30 - 11:30 1/2 Price Mixed Drinks & Mixed Shots, $3 Featured Drinks available all day
10-12: $2 Strong Island Iced Teas, $2 Shots (over 100 choices), $3 Colossal Teas, $3 22oz Bacardi drinks in all 13 flavors, $3 Vegas Bombs and all bomb shots, $3 Smirnoff drinks , $4 Smirnoff and Red Bull, $4 Patron shots
$3 Local Pint of the Day (all day) 10PM-11PM: $2.50 Spiced Rum and Coke/Bourbon and Coke, $2.50 Local Pints
WED. 4/10
Happy Hour 10pm-12am: $2.50 Bacardi Flavors, $3 Sam Adams Drafts, 1/2 off Corona and Corona Lite Bottles
The 80's w/DJ (9pm-2am), $3 Sam Adams drafts/$9 pitchers Happies 10PM-midnight: Half price all Liquor and Mixed Drinks, $2 Miller Lite drafts, $6 Miller Lite pitchers, $1.50 Coors Lt. Bottles ($1 extra for Red Bull during happies)
New Exotic Hookahs! Happy Hour 9:30 - 11:30 1/2 Price Mixed Drinks & Mixed Shots, $3 Featured Drinks available all day $12 Hookahs before 9pm
Go Go Gadget and DJ Keigo, $4 Cover 9-close
$3 Local Pint of the Day (all day) 10PM-11PM: $2.50 Spiced Rum and Coke/Bourbon and Coke, $2.50 Local Pints
SPECIAL NIGHT
Happy Hour 10pm-12am: $3 Absolute Bacardi Flavors, $2 Blue Moon Drafts (All Day)
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Farting etiquette tbs staff wrote this Hey there. Yeah, you in the corner avoiding eye contact with everyone else in the elevator. Why? Why would you unleash that foulness currently wafting beneath everyone’s nasal passages and slowly building to a pungent crescendo? Could you honestly not clench up for a measly five stories before the elevator reaches your floor? It’s obvious it’s you. Christ, at least have the dignity to accept responsibility and apologize for your stinky transgression. But you won’t, will you? You’re going to continue to nervously pore over your smartphone before booking it out of this desecrated tomb, leaving everyone else to suffocate on the stale aroma of mustard and day old salami. Awesome. Everybody farts. That most certainly must be accepted despite what the women-folk might have you believe. At this very moment, there are in fact literally millions of people blasting the pants cannon and turning their undergarments into the kind of fuming swamp a wide array of amphibian species could easily call home. However natural tooting may be, like many unpleasant human behaviors (using the rest room, choking, genocide, etc.), it does not give you the right to ignore the protocols in place for avoiding said acts whenever humanly possible. Sadly, there are a disgustingly high number of you here at State who seem to have never been properly educated in this particular matter. Hopefully this article can help set you straight and your sphincters tight. The first rule in the gentleman’s code of proper gas passing is, whenever possible, do not fart in public places. It doesn’t matter where you are or how discreet you can be. If you are waiting in line outside the Apple Store in New York City with a million other people and the wind is wailing in your ears, ensuring the stank won’t be around long enough to strangle anybody, you still do not let loose until the pressure gauge has breached maximum capacity. You don’t see people walking around shouting racist jokes on the bus or light rail, and if you do you probably think those people are obnoxious. Likewise, do your part and don’t offend people with your anal reek. This especially applies to enclosed spaces: elevators, classrooms, tightly packed lecture halls... Just don’t do it. If you must honk your horn amongst the general populace, there are a few situations in which it is acceptable or simply undetectable. Walking across campus, for example, as long as they’re relatively silent, quick sporadic releases are fine. Everyone is in such a hurry to get to class that no one is lingering to notice your deadly secret. Just be wary when crossing the street. That old accordion player has the olfactory senses of a synesthetic bloodhound. If you are stationary or sitting down, it
is standard regulation to ensure there is no one within a fifteen-foot radius. The coast must also be clear for the proper dissipation time of sixty seconds. The back of a library would be examples of such acceptable locations. And once you’ve planted the seed of the putrid odor bush, swiftly evacuate the scene in the least conspicuously casual manner possible. Really, the only appropriate place to flatulate is in the comfort of your own apartment. Your roommates have forfeited the right to judge because your home is your space, and a ruler is free to fill his domain with as much bum-wind as he sees fit. This is a sacred tenant handed down from the first men and was the driving force behind Henry VIII breaking away from the Catholic Church (embarrassed, Pope Clement VII blamed Anne Boleyn to save papal face). Your home is your personal fart tub. Go nuts. Hopefully you can now go forth and regulate your backside activity with presence of mind and courtesy. Sorry ladies. Queefing is still never ok.
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bartender of the week J.C. inferno Major: Economics
and a bouquet he ripped out of the ground.
Relationship Status: Taken Biggest Tip: $500 Hometown: Berwyn, Pennsylvania (outside of Philly) Best Perk of Working: Meeting new people. Best Night Working: Ohio State football game weekend.
the drinking game: go drunken fish
Female Celebrity You Want to Make Out With: Kate Upton Male Celebrity You Want to Make Out With: Bradley Cooper Dead or Alive Person to Have Drink with: Barack Obama
Worst Thing You’ve Seen Bartending: People trying to hang from the bar lights.
Favorite PSU Memory: Paternoville (when it was called that).
Funniest 21st Birthday: A guy showed up with throw up on his shirt
Do You Believe in Life After College: Yes, definitely.
recipe for disaster:
mom’s homemade wasted pizza
While some people love drinking games, others would rather get trashed without having to play by the rules for twenty minutes. Instead of painfully re-explaining the rules for Irish Poker or Circle of Death to all your drunk and dumb partygoers, stick with a game so simple even the most intoxicated drinker can understand.
You have no clue how to really cook. Though your mother has made you countless homemade meals over the years, you still think preheating an oven means getting to it before other male ovens start trying to plow it. This recipe’s both easy and delicious; you can’t go wrong with a big-ass pizza.
What You’ll Need: A deck of cards and some obnoxiously fruity vodka. Number of Players: Four to six players. Level of Intoxication: When done right, by the end you will have forgotten how to play.
What You’ll Need: Two packs of crescent roll dough, a jar of tomato sauce, a massive amount of different types of cheeses, and any pizza toppings you desire (sausage, pepperoni, mushrooms, pineapples, garlic, etc.) Cook Time: About 30 minutes. Fatty Factor: Pizza is a vegetable now, so you’re fine. Let’s Get Baked: - Press the crescent roll dough on the bottom of a pizza pan, stretching out as far as it’ll go. - Bake the dough for about eight minutes on recommended baking heat (probably 400 degrees). - Take the pan out of oven and lower the oven temperature to 200 degrees. - Spread the tomato sauce over the dough. - Load on that cheese until you think you have more than enough. Then add more. - Add your momma’s favorite toppings to the pie and throw it in the oven again until the cheese melts. - Serve your mother the homemade pizza with a smile and a kiss.
How to Play - Give each player a shot glass and keep the bottle of vodka in the middle of the table. - Take one shot before the game begins. - Pass out five cards to each player and place the remaining cards in the middle, face down. - The point of the game is to get as many matches as possible, just like regular Go Fish. After each player looks at their cards and sets aside their matches, the game begins! - If a player is only left with one card after pairing up their matches they may take two more cards from the middle. - The dealer starts the game by asking another player for a card (“Mary, do you have a 5?”) The player must surrender the card the dealer asks for and take half a shot. - If the player does not have the card they must shout, “Fuck you, fish!” The dealer must take a half shot and a card from the middle. - The process is repeated for every player until everyone uses up his or her cards. The Game Ends When: All the cards are used up. Count up your matches to see who has the most.
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When you’re done with this, be sure to take a pic for posterity. Just wait until the sun’s up before sending it to dear ole’ mom.
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! ! ! e i d o t g n goi A Tale re to rewrite e w s n e k ic D nd s.” If e end of time ion with the e s s th e s s a b w o r it u , s o e d of tim m, an e as the worst political syste e sure to mak w ’r e it y iv , e s is th e iv d m r; e ti a f m y, o est olog is sum e. “It was the b bitchin’ techn big screen th e te o th n g n ’d ti les, in no tim e k h it , h ic 3 P s 1 ie r. 0 v 2 D o t, in m a s t c h ie se eig ur dead of Two Cit s? Look at the e sky with yo u th e v in e li r e ie b rr ’t a c n kitty of days. Do uinn ving in the ol' li e b l 'l rendan and Q u B o y y b k n in e tt th ri u o W y
Oblivion - April 29th What it’s About: In the distant future, mankind has evacuated Earth after a devastating inter-galactic war with a race known as the Scavs. When Jack Harper (Tom Cruise) investigates a fallen spacecraft and its sexy lady pilot on a routine mission to now-devastated Earth, he discovers that humans are still living there. What Oblivion is Saying About Us: “Even if we prevail against super-alien species in the future, it doesn’t mean we can prevail against ourselves.” Why it’s Bullshit: Everyone knows humans are merely entrapments for the immortal, spiritual thetan. And everyone knows that thetans have innumerable past lives and arrived on Earth thousands of years ago to hole up in human bodies. So if Earth is destroyed, the thetans would just leave these physical bodies behind and move on to another world. Unless, of course, the thetan inside Tom Cruise is reliving an experience it had prior to its existence on Earth. Then it all makes sense.
Rapturepalooza May 10th, (Limited) What it’s About: The rapture is unleashed upon earth with a hilarious twist in that the animals talk and the Antichrist (Craig Robinson), is a foul-mouthed party animal. It’s up to two teens to lock the Antichrist up, and save humanity from being sucked into the netherworld. What Rapturepalooza is Saying About Us: “Yo humanity is turning into a bunch of atheist heathens, but like, what if that Bible shit came true LOL?” Why it’s Bullshit: If the rapture is going to be anything like the Bible says it’s going to be, God, or gods, or the Devil, Antichrist, Gilbert Gottfried, or the Four Horsemen are going to rain death upon everyone in one fell swoop. Birds aren’t going to crack jokes and
shit on your car, and the Antichrist isn’t going to hang around and shoot the shit with the locals. No pair of awkward teens are going to team up with the Big Man to lock the Antichrist up, and all of humanity will die a horrible death… except the Christians. Or the Mormons. Or the Phelps family. Or the… well, you get the idea.
Star Trek Into Darkness - May 15th
Epic - May 24th What it’s About: Mary Catherine lives in a lush forest with her father, a professor who studies a group of warriors protecting the forest against evil. One day her father doesn’t come back, and upon going out to find him she finds herself among a group of glowing, falling leaves. After grabbing one she immediately shrinks and encounters the group of warriors her father studied. She is then forced to assist in their war against forces of evil known as the Boggans, while trying to return home.
What it’s About: After being called back home, the crew of the Enterprise finds a seemingly unstoppable force has left the Earth in chaos. Kirk and his crew are tasked with leading a deadly manhunt to capture the party responsible.
What Epic is Saying About Us: “To be saved from the threat of mankind, Mother Nature has to fight."
What Star Trek Into Darkness is Saying About Us: “Humanity is destined to destroy itself from within.” Why it’s Bullshit: We’re still here, aren’t we? With over 17,000 nuclear weapons in the world today, if some state power megalomaniac was deadset on ending it all, he’d just do it. Thing is, mankind is all about self-preservation, and without another habitable planet to
ship off to, dude’s just as fucked as the rest of us. Even if some shitbird did get ahold of a bomb, he could make part of the world uninhabitable, but there’s plenty of room to live in northern Canada, even if no one really wants to while away time there.
Why it’s Bullshit: Epic assumes that humans have seen nature circling the toilet bowl and just said “Well, we’ve already done this much damage, so...whatever. Let’s hurry up and get this over with.” No. Humanity recognizes the damage we’ve done. As a result we’ve targeted the behaviors and methods that cause such destruction and worked diligently to slow them down, hoping to reverse them. Think of how far we’ve come in just the last ten years with fuel efficiency and alternative energies, and think of where we’ll be in another ten years. Yes we’ve got a ways to go, but implying that it’s too late – that the world is on the verge of environmental catastrophe – is just silly.
After earth - June 7th What it’s About: After a cataclysmic event humans are forced to evacuate Earth. Mother Gaia reverts to a primal state full of lush forests and new nasty baddies that have evolved to kill humans. When Cypher Raige (Will Smith) and his son (Jaden Smith) return 1,000 years later, they find this out the hard way. What After Earth is Saying About Us: “Humanity is the real parasite on this wretched rock!” Why it’s Bullshit: 65 million years ago. 200 million years ago. 250 million years ago. 360 million years ago. 440 million years ago. These are all major extinction events that have occurred on our own planet; shit got fucked up on the oft long before we put emission regulations on the table. That depressing sack of lard who drives three blocks to buy a frozen burrito isn’t helping things, but he’ll be dead in five years. We really need to be worried about whoever keeps lobbing space rocks at us from the Oort Cloud; we’ve had our eye on you, Neil deGrasse Tyson.
Pacific rim JUly 12th
Why it’s Bullshit: It’s like Hollywood producers haven’t heard of vaccinations. The Spanish Flu epidemic in 1918 killed 50 million to 100 million people.
What it’s About: Earth is overcome by a pandemic that sees most of the world’s population turned into zombies. United Nations employee Gerry Lane (Brad Pitt) is enlisted in saving what remains of mankind. What World War Z is Saying About Us: “Even at the height of our society we can’t escape our basest needs.” Why it’s Bullshit: Of course we can. The majority of modern civilization (read: non-crunchy hippies) no longer live in trees. Sure, maybe evolution over millions of years doesn’t count, but every single popular modern-day religion has
basic tenents that are all, “Be cool to everyone else, man.” If we couldn’t defy our core instincts we wouldn’t donate that almost-spoiled can of beans to the homeless shelter, we’d eat that shit up. Shit, man’s driving force is survival of his genes by any means necessary, and only lacrosse players find rape an acceptable form of sex these days.
Elysium - August 9th What it’s About: In the year 2159 two classes of people exist: the very wealthy who live on a pristine man-made space station called Elysium, and the rest, who live on an overpopulated, ruined Earth. One unlikely hero hopes to bridge the gap between the two.
What it’s About: Enormous monsters arise from a crevice in the Pacific Ocean, killing millions of people and threatening humanity. To combat them, mankind builds enormous robots driven by men tasked with stopping the threat. What Pacific Rim is Saying About Us: “Against an unforeseen and relentless foe, no technology can save man.”
World war z June 21st
That was 1-3% of the Earth’s population at the time. Fast forward 90 years, the world’s population has tripled, but the 2009 Swine Flu outbreak has killed 16,000 unlucky souls. Hypodermic needles with fluid injections may not be as sexy as stories-tall robots, but they’re just as good at kicking ass.
What Elysium is Saying About Us: “The meek shall inherit the Earth (except it’ll be real shitty because the rich people be rich peopl’n).” Why it’s Bullshit: Though modern living standards are better than ever for firstworld nations, each day it gets harder and harder for a poor person to engender change. Back in the day of pointy sharp metal sticks, all an unhappy peas-
ant had to do was poke the king, then the dude would get head lice and die in six hours. Modern medicine is basically the video game troll of modern society: Nice leg shot, newb. Poor people ain’t gonna fix shit.
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Meet The Staff campus manager
PR Manager Olivia Sloan
Advertising ManagerS David Porter Callanan, Olivia Sloan, Manisha Yarlagadda
pr team Briana Meme, Jenna Seco
Writers Celeste Beckman, David Porter Callanan, Devin Cox, Kayla Danielle Driscoll, Adam Cochrane Sammy Mancuso, Ben Morse, Evan Witmer
campus director Quinn Myers
distribution manager David Porter Callanan
Founders Atish Doshi, Brendan Bonham, Heather Jo Erickson, Jimmy DeBlasio, Jessica Sommers, Quinn Myers
David Porter Callanan
photographer You? You!
Disclaimer The Black Sheep in no way promotes, encourages or supports binge drinking, and/or under-age drinking. This newspaper is designed for entertainment purposes only and does not recommend attempting anything printed in this publication. Please drink...responsibly and legally.
owner Atish Doshi
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