The Black Sheep
fr ee ... li Wh ke t ite ick ga ets me to ne th xt e B we lu ek e a nd !
• a college newspaper that’s actually about college •
Volume 1, Issue 5 • 4/11/13 - 4/17/13
theblacksheeponline.com @BlackSheep_PSU
The Black Sheep’s Guide to CATA Busses Devin Cox wrote this
Here’s a cool way to hate 35 random people: break out that buss pass and swipe away your happiness as you stumble onto the dirty shuttle fleet called CATA. Remember that kid in class that smelled like shit? Well now you have the privilege of shoving your face into his swinging armpit, as your Vietnam-vet bus driver slams over curbs at Mach 2. Here it is folks—the one place on Earth with the soundtrack of an elevator and more overcrowding than an African watering hole. If you’re not the first stop, you might as well walk home, because ten minutes in this jetting trashcan will make you feel weirder than the “Teen” category on YouPorn. Here are a few tips on the most depressing rollercoaster ride on Earth—the CATA Bus system: - Good luck on that big exam tomorrow. You’re worried about sleeping through your alarm, but little do you know, the morning bus you catch on time every day will apparently be hit by an asteroid right before it reaches your block. Skip the anxiety diarrhea and beg your roommate to borrow his car the night before. - Lines? The one lesson drilled into our heads by the age of 5 is that if you cut in line, everyone on Earth will want you dead. But, the reality is; it’s a cut-throat world—throw a few elbows, cut off that wheelchair lady, and swim like corpse to the front of the crowd. - At any given time on your bus, there will be an Asian girl wearing glasses without the lenses. We can’t really figure this one out, but we figured we’d mention it. - If you’ve ever had any self-confidence in your balance, douse that flame before you get on your morning commute or you’ll soon find out what the back of someone else’s head tastes like. Somehow, CATA busses break the fundamental laws of physics as they drift around corners and speed over potholes, which is why the drivers have seatbelts and the commuters have ruptured spleens. - Remember that item your idiot brain said, “I’ll remember this…” right before you placed something on the seat next to you? Well whatever it was is now considered an “occupational benefit” by the driving staff. If you’re thinking of resting your Grandpa’s leather WWII jacket down for a second, think twice, because your brain will be too distracted by the gym guy’s headphones blaring Taylor Swift to remember to pick it back up.
Penn State to Offer Barista 101 Class next fall
- There are the “new busses” and “old busses”… New busses are clean (kind of), and fast (ish)! Old busses are made out of rusty, iron rebar and asbestos, and will give you a respiratory infection. - Avoid sitting next to the guy talking to himself. There are plenty of seats—you know what; just get off the bus. - The only thing worse than the 5:30 VE bus is the 10:45 Blue Loop—both of which led to the 2003 CATA Driver Mass Suicide.
what'’s inside
Before you and your caveman friends stumble onto the bus to sway back and forth and chant “WE ARE,” please remember that at any given time the bus driver can turn the wheel 25 degrees counterclockwise and murder us all. Riding a bus wasn’t fun back in second grade and it sure as shit isn’t fun now; so pop in those headphones and hold your belongings tight, it’s going to be a bumpy ride.
Bitter Professor tells students to "give up on dreams"
Viciously Loud Breakup Goes Completely Unnoticed
Finally, classes to train us for our future careers!
He suggests taking "Barista 101" next fall.
Argument not loud enough to penetrate deafening roar of the meaninglessness of existence.
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