The Black Sheep
fr ee ... li Wh ke t ite ick ga ets me to ne th xt e B we lu ek e a nd !
• a college newspaper that’s actually about college •
Volume 1, Issue 5 • 4/11/13 - 4/17/13
theblacksheeponline.com @BlackSheep_PSU
The Black Sheep’s Guide to CATA Busses Devin Cox wrote this
Here’s a cool way to hate 35 random people: break out that buss pass and swipe away your happiness as you stumble onto the dirty shuttle fleet called CATA. Remember that kid in class that smelled like shit? Well now you have the privilege of shoving your face into his swinging armpit, as your Vietnam-vet bus driver slams over curbs at Mach 2. Here it is folks—the one place on Earth with the soundtrack of an elevator and more overcrowding than an African watering hole. If you’re not the first stop, you might as well walk home, because ten minutes in this jetting trashcan will make you feel weirder than the “Teen” category on YouPorn. Here are a few tips on the most depressing rollercoaster ride on Earth—the CATA Bus system: - Good luck on that big exam tomorrow. You’re worried about sleeping through your alarm, but little do you know, the morning bus you catch on time every day will apparently be hit by an asteroid right before it reaches your block. Skip the anxiety diarrhea and beg your roommate to borrow his car the night before. - Lines? The one lesson drilled into our heads by the age of 5 is that if you cut in line, everyone on Earth will want you dead. But, the reality is; it’s a cut-throat world—throw a few elbows, cut off that wheelchair lady, and swim like corpse to the front of the crowd. - At any given time on your bus, there will be an Asian girl wearing glasses without the lenses. We can’t really figure this one out, but we figured we’d mention it. - If you’ve ever had any self-confidence in your balance, douse that flame before you get on your morning commute or you’ll soon find out what the back of someone else’s head tastes like. Somehow, CATA busses break the fundamental laws of physics as they drift around corners and speed over potholes, which is why the drivers have seatbelts and the commuters have ruptured spleens. - Remember that item your idiot brain said, “I’ll remember this…” right before you placed something on the seat next to you? Well whatever it was is now considered an “occupational benefit” by the driving staff. If you’re thinking of resting your Grandpa’s leather WWII jacket down for a second, think twice, because your brain will be too distracted by the gym guy’s headphones blaring Taylor Swift to remember to pick it back up.
Penn State to Offer Barista 101 Class next fall
- There are the “new busses” and “old busses”… New busses are clean (kind of), and fast (ish)! Old busses are made out of rusty, iron rebar and asbestos, and will give you a respiratory infection. - Avoid sitting next to the guy talking to himself. There are plenty of seats—you know what; just get off the bus. - The only thing worse than the 5:30 VE bus is the 10:45 Blue Loop—both of which led to the 2003 CATA Driver Mass Suicide.
what'’s inside
Before you and your caveman friends stumble onto the bus to sway back and forth and chant “WE ARE,” please remember that at any given time the bus driver can turn the wheel 25 degrees counterclockwise and murder us all. Riding a bus wasn’t fun back in second grade and it sure as shit isn’t fun now; so pop in those headphones and hold your belongings tight, it’s going to be a bumpy ride.
Bitter Professor tells students to "give up on dreams"
Viciously Loud Breakup Goes Completely Unnoticed
Finally, classes to train us for our future careers!
He suggests taking "Barista 101" next fall.
Argument not loud enough to penetrate deafening roar of the meaninglessness of existence.
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contents page 4: Kid on Longboard is “Way Too Cool for Class”
Questions? Comments? Compliments? Insults? info@theblacksheeponline.com
page 6
Who has time for school when you are this god-damn cool?
page 5: From the Streets
If you could be an alcoholic beverage what would you be and why?
page 6: The Top 10 Most Dangerous Places at PSU
Table of
from ghosts to drunk people, here’s what make these places so terrifying.
page 9: New Jersey Adopts Pastafarianism as Official State Religion Now worshiping the all-power 'Flying Spaghetti Monster.'
page 11: Bartender of the week
Siobhan from Cafe once served Colbie Caillat but didn’t even know it was her! Who is Colbie Caillat?
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word of the week Diarrmea:
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theblacksheeponline.com
Kid on Longboard is “Way Too Cool for Class” tbs staff wrote this Riding down College Avenue, hair blowing in the wind, shades secured tightly on his little pubescent face, Benny Craig was skipping class yet again. He pumps his foot against the paved road, propelling him further, perfectly in time with The Lumineers' rhythmic guitar twang pulsing through his oversized headphones. “He’s just way too fucking cool for class,” John Fabrezio, Craig’s future unemployment officer, pointed out while staring down the youngster longingly. “Man, if I was like him when I was in school… oh, man…” A slight tear formed at the corner of Fabrezio’s eye. Craig is a business major at Penn State University but says the only business he has is “shredding like a fucking boss” and “slaying the pussy.” “My grades are sort of killer, but like, it’s not a big deal,” Craig says. His outstanding turnaround in Statistics 100 midway through the fall 2012 semester is evidence of this, turning an F into a surprising D-. No one is exactly sure how he did this, but his professor—who prefers to remain unnamed—became starry-eyed when she was asked about Craig, claiming that he was the “dreamiest piece of blonde peach fuzz” that she had ever seen. Fabrezio said the student has a bright future, as long as he is injured in an accident that gives him a large sum of money in a lawsuit. “I mean, I’ll totally take a crash if it gives the cash, you know what I mean?” Craig said. Fabrezio added that as long as Craig remains as cool as he is with his iPod headphones in his ears at all times, there is a good chance the pair can make a financially rewarding accident happen soon. “If I don’t have to think about going to some pointless-ass class anymore, that would be tight,” Craig said, staring off toward the Peace Garden in wonder. “The longboard is like a relic of the ancient gods that got handed down in the…” Craig tailed off, confusing himself with too many big words. Craig says all he needs in life is what he calls his “two B’s,” later explained as his “bitch and board.” His girlfriend, Jenny Collins, is also a student at the university. Collins says she also enjoys longboarding in addition to Googling inspirational quotes by Audrey Hepburn, listening to the hottest new band on Pitchfork.com, and dying her hair the color of her mood—a habit she “happened to pick up” after seeing
Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. Collins said she began to dig Craig when she first saw him cruising down the street in his Urban Outfitters tank top and sunglasses. “When he told me he thought Mumford and Sons was a cool band, I just knew he was the one,” Collins said, adorably pushing her thick-rimmed glasses up her nose. Craig added that he believes all of life’s lessons are found on the board, not in an academically distinguished institution featuring some of the world’s brightest and most creative minds. “After college, I’ll just go wherever life takes me,” Craig said, smiling like a little shit. “Maybe somewhere like California. I’ve always wanted to live there. I know everyone says that, but I mean it, man.” Fabrezio is confident that he can find a source of income for the uninspired and academically empty student. “I mean, once he gets over the high school phase of his life, I’m sure he’ll find some sort of part-time job. I heard Cold Stone is hiring,” Fabrezio said. “But then again, his parents are rich, so who knows if he’ll ever have to work for anything.” Craig agreed. “My parents are chill and have a lot of dough, so I’ll probably just go out and buy a new board before I worry about a job or anything unimportant like that dumb shit.”
Penn State to Offer Barista 101 Class Fall 2013 Adam Cochrane wrote this Due to mounting pressure from students and parents wanting Penn State to offer classes that prepare young graduates for the jobs of the future, Penn State recently announced they will be offering Barista 101, where students will learn the how to prepare and serve coffee drinks at numerous renowned companies such as Starbucks or McDonalds. “There is tremendous growth in the service industry,” said Penn State spokesperson Lisa Powers, “Penn State is thrilled to be offering an amazing class that will truly prepare our graduates for the job they will obtain after successfully earning their liberal arts degree. After all, did our graduates actually think they would land their dream job after spending four years earning their diplomas? Ha,” Lisa pouted with a sense of superiority, “Not in this economy!” Many seniors are looking forward to the opportunity to be one of the lucky students to enroll in this new experimental class. “I would love to think that my work earning a philosophy degree would land me a decent job somewhere at a desk where I push papers, but let’s be realistic. No one is hiring the girl that can quote Plato’s the Republic and Laws,” said way too enthusiastic liberal arts major Sarah Broder. “Landing a job at Starbucks is the American Dream! And let’s not forget about the benefits! After all, I got addicted to coffee after staying up all night studying for exams and finishing papers. If I’m able land a job at the premium coffee giant Starbucks, I’m likely to get discount coffee while getting paid almost $9 an hour! Why would I want to ask for more?”
Optimistic students are realizing the benefits of being the brewmaster king (or queen) of the coffee beans. Students see their ability to make the frappiest Frappuccino as a major job skill that they hope to pin to their resume, like a badge of honor. “This is just one small step in my climb to the top,” said delusional student Mike Ginger. “When I land that beastly internship, I can impress my bosses by making them the best cup of Joe they’ve ever had! After all, you’ve not had an espresso until you’ve had an espresso made by Mike, the Brew-King of Swing.” Mike continued his rant by saying “a full-time job is likely for this guy, when I dazzle my supervisors with the taste of my special blend.” Penn State officials have projected that Barista 101 will quickly fill up once it becomes available on eLion. Many graduating seniors are desperate to land that dream job, which in this economy, is any job. Competition in the classroom will be fierce and earning top grades will not be easy, according to Penn State Professor Andrew Lansing. However, Lansing is hopeful that his students will have meaningful careers as baristas after passing his class. “I have a dream that every Starbucks, Dunkin' Donuts, McDonalds, you name it, will be staffed by quality Penn State barista graduates,” said Lansing. “For too long these vital positions were filled by under-qualified high school graduates, dropouts, and poor people. Penn State students are ready to show they can be leaders in this thriving industry.”
However some Debbie Downers, like Debbie Browner, see this as a harsh reality that she and her fellow students should accept, given how the economy has yet to recover from the worst economic crisis since the Great Depression. "Sigh," started Debbie Browner, “After I worked my ass off in high school to earn a scholarship so I could go to Penn State, then working my ass off again so I could pay down some of my education, and now I’m finally about to graduate with a degree in business management, I suppose I should prepare for the worst by taking Barista 101. After all I am likely going to be in a metric fuck-ton of debt when I graduate, so I might as well know how to make shitty cups of coffee just in case I can’t find a real job….Thanks Obama.”
From the Streets
[PartyPics]
Got a question you want us to ask? FTS@theblacksheeponline.com
If you could be an alcoholic beverage, what would you be and why? “Henny, it’s nice and gets the job done. ” - Jiordalys
“Gin and juice, I’m a simple person who likes fun related things. This is also comes from the song 'Mambo Number 5,' which is a song that I like.” - Jon
"Ciroc, because I’m fun. I will generally associate myself with anything fun-related, because it’s a proven fact that I am a fun person." - Estella
send your party pics to pics@theblacksheeponline.com
(View and Send Pics from our iPhone & Android App! Search black sheep mobile)
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The
Top 10
Most Dangerous Places at PSU
10.) Pollack Testing Center: In case you didn’t know, we wrote a story earlier this year about how many people have been killed in this horrid place. Talking is limited and it is illegal to make eye contact with anyone inside the building once testing begins. It’s the closest thing we have to a modern-day concentration camp. 9.) Showers in the Dorms: They’ve had to remind people multiple times that masturbating inside them was a breach of their housing contract. So, yeah. Gross. 8.) Hub Stairs: Heavily populated during certain hours of the day. Traffic going both up and down at almost all times. Remain alert. Always in be looking forward so you don’t have to make eye contact with people handing out papers. Unless it’s The Black Sheep, you should take one of those, and audibly laugh while reading it.
Bitter Professor Tells Students
to “Give up on Dreams”
7.) East Halls White Loop Stop: Avoid this spot on Thursday, Friday and Saturday nights at all costs, as freshmen will be in primitive form before heading out to the frats. Ladies, mentally prepare yourselves for the anti-hilarious and overused “tits for boys” chants that you will endure. 6.) Stacks Library: Someone was murdered in there 40 years ago and her ghost still haunts this overly-lit maze. Why are you still reading this? We said someone was murdered in there. Avoid at all costs.
DPC wrote this “Do you want to be a musician? An artist? Actor? Author? …Forget it.” This is how Penn State English professor Brian Matthews starts off his first year seminar every semester. A classroom full of eager freshmen sit back and listen to his wise words of wisdom. “Be practical. Pick a stable field that will make you a lot of money despite being dangerously unhappy.” Next, Matthews has his students sit in a circle and introduce themselves. He asks them their name, their hometown, and their future aspirations. A female student stands up in front of her peers and begins to speak “Hi my name is Katie, I’m from Pittsburgh, and I want to be a dancer after I graduate from Penn State.” Matthews puts his hands in his face, an awkward silence fills the room. “That is stupid and unrealistic,” Matthews responds. “Change your major to Public Relations. After graduation you can work in a PR firm. You can always teach a dance class on the weekends for underprivileged children or something like that.” Some call him daring, others call him brave, but no matter how one defines him it's easy to see that Professor Matthews is truly a hero. “I thought the lecture was a little harsh at first,” said Katie. “But I have realized he’s right; it’s a common theme regarding every adult I know.” Matthews, a failed novelist who was once called “the next Hemingway” by a college professor, believes by crushing their dreams and lowering their expectations he is preparing his students for the harsh reality that is the real world. “Growing up, kids are told they can do whatever they want if they believe they can do it. The goal of my course is to teach them that it’s all a lie.” Some other popular lectures among students that Matthews has worked into his course load over the
years have included “You’ll always end up hating your wife,” and “There are seven billion people on earth, you’re not unique at all.” He also tells his students that anyone who has mastered a craft can find some sort of outlet to express their creativity on the side. “If you’re a writer, start a blog.” said Matthews. “No one will care about what you have to say but if you’re lucky a company might see it and hire you part-time to write for their website. That’s the best case scenario.” Former Penn State students have taken Matthews 'advice to heart, many of them saying he changed their lives forever. “When I started college I wanted to be a movie director,” said Penn State Alumnus Ryan Jones. “Professor Matthews made me realize my aspirations were stupid and I immediately switched into pre-law.” Jones now owns his own law-firm making over $500,000 a year. He lives by himself in a mansion and owns several sports cars. Jones is also currently divorced with four children that he only sees every other Thanksgiving and Christmas. He claims that working 80-90 hours a week and feeling “dead inside” is a sacrifice that he was willing to make for his current financial stability. “Without professor Matthews I might have been doing what I love while barely being able to pay rent–what a nightmare that would have been.” While crushing the dreams of Penn State students will always be his greatest concern, Matthews wants to spread his word to the general public even though it goes against everything he preaches to his student. Currently, he is writing a book on the side of teaching titled Give Up: Everything You’ve Ever Been Told is a Lie. “My book will be an easy read so that even young children can understand my message,” said Matthews. “The earlier I can crush dreams, the better.”
5.) Crosswalk Outside the Library: Some genius thought it was cool to just throw a road in the middle of campus. Like yeah that’s chill, right where everyone walks to class, in between the two most populated bus stops. Bright side: If you get hit by a CATA bus, you get free tuition. Downside: You will die. 4.) Revolving Door in Pattee Library: Let’s get this out of the way, the person who designed the area in and around the library was a real asshole. This glass and scrap metal contraption is one of the highest traffic areas at Penn State, yet it can only fit 4 people at a time. It ingests students and spits them back up with broken bones, lost virginities, and emotional damage. 3.) Beaver Stadium Men’s Bathrooms: If you’re at a football game, you’re drunk -- it’s science. Also, keep in mind that 90% of the 110,000 people that can fit in Beaver Stadium are also drunk, very drunk. The troughs are cool to pee in, but don’t enter the prehistoric stalls unless you want to contract a bacterial disease. 2.) North Halls: We have never ventured into North Halls, in fact we don’t even know anyone who has ever been into North Halls, so we’re just going to assume it is a weird, dangerous place. Don’t ever go to North Halls, you will die. 1.) Beaver Canyon:The Canyon has been the site of riots, car accidents, fights, and worst of all, drunken “we are” chants, which makes it easily the most dangerous place in Happy Valley. Expect to see at least one drunk freshman crying, people heckling from the safety of their balconies, and of course, the almighty and powerful, Boombox Guy.
psu staff wrote this
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Viciously Loud Breakup
Goes Completely Unnoticed staff wrote this On April 11th in West Food District, a breakup of obnoxiously loud proportions went absolutely ignored. Right in the middle of the fully-occupied lunch area, junior Jessica Lemler and senior Justin Cross sprang up from their lunch seats and had an unprecedentedly brutal war of decibels. It went down in the record books as the loudest break up PSU has ever housed. As it is understood, the fight began with a snide comment from Jessica regarding Justin’s mediocre penis size. He quickly countered by calling Jessica, his girlfriend of three years, a “no good, smokyeyed whore.” Absolutely no one turned around or dropped their utensils to tune in to the loudest fight since the dawn of time. Jessica then, at humanly impossible volume levels, began listing all of Justin’s shortcomings starting (alphabetically) with “ass obsessed” and ending around “vagina intolerant.” Then Justin just sent it all to hell and jumped up on his chair to gain the higher ground in this completely ignored battle. Unfortunately he stubbed his toe in the process and began hopping about like some sort of lemming. Jessica laughed the shrillest, highest, most terrible laugh at Justin’s misfortune. Still, not one casual lunchgoer paid any attention to this very public disbanding. “What fight?” said one indifferent student who sat only two tables away. It is estimated that every person in Coffman, probably everyone on campus, and possibly everyone in State College should have heard this unbelievably loud, verbally abusive exchange. The only explanation for a lack of a community fallback, or even a collective reaction, is that absolutely no one gave a damn. Justin, when finished hopping on one foot much like a young girl playing hopscotch, resumed with a creative list of offensive, misogynistic names. The insults included: “sweaty puffy streetwalker,” “fakeblonde bitch,” “small-titted slutbag,” “crusty asswad,” “douche-level hoe,” and “the smotherer.” Even though Jessica was very violently pretending to cry, she managed to counter with “you miserable, dim-witted cocktard.” Despite the passionate, cutting exchange of comments, none of the students within the vicinity could rip themselves away from their Panda Express.
It was at this time that both parties jumped on the table and began to engage in what can only be described as a fervent slap-fight. No one dealt real blows. It seems, though, that Jessica may have pinched Justin considering he cried out, “You pinched me, bitch!” Still, nobody bothered to even take a peek at this epic war. At the conclusion of this schoolyard level, physical catfight, both Justin and Jessica were breathing at Mt. Everest-climbing-type of pace. Both students just stared furiously at one another for almost three whole minutes. The entire thing culminated in a simultaneous “I HATE YOU.” The truly peculiar part is that Jessica then asked in a hushed tone, “Post-breakup sex?” They both, in the middle of the student union, undressed themselves. Oddly enough, zero people bothered to take a peek at the sex or Justin’s mediocre-sized penis. Though the breakup incorporated everything students pay for in entertainment mediums – violence, drama, unrelated sex scenes – students are either too deep in their studies or utterly desensitized to the ups and downs of an extremely fickle college relationship.
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The Bar Grid Happy Hour Every Night 10PM-Midnight!
Sun - Thu Happy Hour 9:30 - 11:30 1/2 Price Mixed Drinks & Mixed Shots, $3 Featured Drinks available all day everyday $12 Hookahs before 9pm
Every Night! 10-12: $2 Strong Island Iced Teas, $2 Shots (over 100 choices), $3 Colossal Teas, $3 22oz Bacardi drinks in all 13 flavors, $3 Vegas Bombs and all bomb shots, $3 Smirnoff drinks , $4 Smirnoff and Red Bull, $4 Patron shots
SUNDAY - THURSDAY $3 Local Pint of the Day (all day) 10PM-11PM: $2.50 Spiced Rum and Coke/Bourbon and Coke, $2.50 Local Pints
THURS. 4/11
Happy Hour 10pm-12am: $2 ABC's, $3 Grey Goose $1.50 Bud Lite Drafts (All Day)
Pop Culture Party (9PM-2AM), $2.50 Bud light drafts/ $7.50 pitchers (All Day) Happies 10PM - midnight: Half price all Liquor and Mixed Drinks ($1 extra for Red Bull during happies)
Thirsty Thursdays Featuring DJ Drew! Happy Hour 9:30 - 11:30 1/2 Price Mixed Drinks & Mixed Shots $3 featured Drinks available all day
DJ Cashous! Free Cover 9-10pm, $3 Cover After
$3 Local Pint of the Day (all day) 10PM-11PM: $2.50 Spiced Rum and Coke/Bourbon and Coke, $2.50 Local Pints
FRI. 4/12
Happy Hour 10pm-12am: $3 Absolute Bacardi Flavors, $2 Blue Moon Drafts (All Day)
Rock & Roll All Night (9PM-2AM), $3 Blue Moon drafts/ $9 pitchers Happies 10 PM - midnight (except home games): $2.50 moonshiners, $3.50 flavored vodka and Bacardi Oakheart ($2 extra for Red Bull during happies)
Featuring DJ Cashous Happy Hour 9:30 - 11:30 $3 Smirnoff Drinks $3 Jose Cuervo Shots $12 Hookahs before 9 pm
DJ Manik Mike (State College's only video DJ) Free Cover 9-10pm, $3 Cover After
$3 Local Pint of the Day (all day) 5PM-7PM, 10PM-12AM: $2.50 Spiced Rum and Coke/Bourbon and Coke, $2.50 Local Pints
SAT. 4/13
Happy Hour 10pm-12am: $3 Absolute Bacardi Flavors, $2 Blue Moon Drafts (All Day)
Free For All Music Fest + DJ (9PM-2AM), Blue Moon $3 draft/$9 pitchers (all day) Happies 10 PM midnight (except home games): $2.50 moonshiners, $3.50 flavored vodka and Bacardi Oakheart ($2 extra for Red Bull during happies)
Featuring DJ Keigo Happy Hour 9:30 - 11:30 $3 Smirnoff Drinks $3 Jose Cuervo Shots $12 Hookahs before 9 pm
DJ Kid AV and special guests! Free Cover 9-10pm, $3 Cover After
$3 Local Pint of the Day (all day) 10PM-12AM: $2.50 Spiced Rum and Coke/Bourbon and Coke, $2.50 Local Pints
SUN. 4/14
Full menu + Brunch 11am - 2pm
Nascar & Maxin' Relaxin (9PM2AM), Bud light $2.50 drafts /$7.50 pitchers (all day) Happies: 10PMmidnight: Half off all liquor ($1 extra for Red Bull during happies), $2 Miller light drafts/ $6 Pitchers, $1.75 Coors Light bottles
S.I.N. Sundays $10 Hookahs All Day Happy Hour 9:30 - 11:30 1/2 Price Mixed Drinks & Mixed Shots, $3 Featured Drinks available all day
10-12: $2 Strong Island Iced Teas, $2 Shots (over 100 choices), $3 Colossal Teas, $3 22oz Bacardi drinks in all 13 flavors, $3 Vegas Bombs and all bomb shots, $3 Smirnoff drinks , $4 Smirnoff and Red Bull, $4 Patron shots
$3 Local Pint of the Day (all day) 10PM-11PM: $2.50 Spiced Rum and Coke/Bourbon and Coke, $2.50 Local Pints
MON. 4/15
Check out our awardwinning wine list! Voted best wine list by State College Mag!
Modern Music! Molson Canadian $2.50 Drafts, $7.50 pitchers (All Day) $2 Miller Light drafts/ $6 Pitchers, $1.75 Coors Light bottles Happies 10PM-midnight: Half off all liquor and mixed drinks ($1 extra for Red Bull during happies)
Mellow Mondays! $3 Select Apps & $5 Sandwiches Happy Hour 9:30 - 11:30 $5 Martinis, 1/2 Price Mixed Drinks & Mixed Shots
10-12: $2 Strong Island Iced Teas, $2 Shots (over 100 choices), $3 Colossal Teas, $3 22oz Bacardi drinks in all 13 flavors, $3 Vegas Bombs and all bomb shots, $3 Smirnoff drinks , $4 Smirnoff and Red Bull, $4 Patron shots
$3 Local Pint of the Day (all day) 10PM-11PM: $2.50 Spiced Rum and Coke/Bourbon and Coke, $2.50 Local Pints
TUES. 4/16
5 Consecutive Awards from Wine Spectator - Come Try Some Tonight!
Country Crossover (9PM-2AM), Budweiser $2.50 drafts / $7.50 pitchers (all day) Happies 10PM - midnight: $2.75 Jack Daniels drinks, $2.50 Lynchburg Lemonades, $2.50 Alabama Slammers, $1.50 Miller Lite drafts, $4.50 Miller Lite pitchers, $1.75 Coors Lt. bottles ($2 Dollars extra for red bull during happies)
Featuring Weekly DJ's Happy Hour 9:30 - 11:30 1/2 Price Mixed Drinks & Mixed Shots, $3 Featured Drinks available all day
10-12: $2 Strong Island Iced Teas, $2 Shots (over 100 choices), $3 Colossal Teas, $3 22oz Bacardi drinks in all 13 flavors, $3 Vegas Bombs and all bomb shots, $3 Smirnoff drinks , $4 Smirnoff and Red Bull, $4 Patron shots
$3 Local Pint of the Day (all day) 10PM-11PM: $2.50 Spiced Rum and Coke/Bourbon and Coke, $2.50 Local Pints
WED. 4/17
Happy Hour 10pm-12am: $2.50 Bacardi Flavors, $3 Sam Adams Drafts, 1/2 off Corona and Corona Lite Bottles
The 80's w/DJ (9pm-2am), $3 Sam Adams drafts/$9 pitchers Happies 10PM-midnight: Half price all Liquor and Mixed Drinks, $2 Miller Lite drafts, $6 Miller Lite pitchers, $1.50 Coors Lt. Bottles ($1 extra for Red Bull during happies)
New Exotic Hookahs! Happy Hour 9:30 - 11:30 1/2 Price Mixed Drinks & Mixed Shots, $3 Featured Drinks available all day $12 Hookahs before 9pm
Go Go Gadget and DJ Keigo, $4 Cover 9-close
$3 Local Pint of the Day (all day) 10PM-11PM: $2.50 Spiced Rum and Coke/Bourbon and Coke, $2.50 Local Pints
SPECIAL NIGHT
Happy Hour 10pm-12am: $3 Absolute Bacardi Flavors, $2 Blue Moon Drafts (All Day)
page 9
the black sheep mobile | for iphone & android
lions crossing
upgraded New Jersey Adopts Pastafarianism
as Official State Religion
psu staff wrote this In response to North Carolina’s proposal to adopt an official state religion, New Jersey quickly passed a bill which was signed into law by Gov. Chris Christie, that would make Pastafarianism the official religion for the state of New Jersey. So what exactly is Pastafarianism? It was a religion that established and worships in reverence the all-powerful “Flying Spaghetti Monster” also known as “FSM.” Many Pastafarians claim that the FSM is a benevolent deity that created all life on Earth and is responsible for all the good and wonder in the world. According to the Church of Pastafarianism website, this religion has existed for thousands of years. It was recently discovered by the mainstream media when a Kansas school board considered teaching intelligent design alongside evolution in science classrooms. A concerned citizen wrote a letter to the school board and was deeply offended that only one type of intelligent design theory would be taught in the classroom. “Let us remember that there are multiple theories of intelligent design,” stated in the letter addressed to the school board. “People around the world including myself, are of the strong belief that the universe was created by a Flying Spaghetti Monster. It was He who created all that we see and all that we feel.” Many in Jersey, especially those of Italian descent, are praising this bold move by the state government because Jersey is recognizing a religion that has long been ignored by politicians in other states, and at the federal level. “I love pasta, and you know what, I love the Flying Spaghetti Monster hollowed be his
name,” said YOLO SWAG bro/guido sensation Giovanna Beshito. “The Flying Spaghetti Monster represents all that is good and wonderful in the world. No one has gone to war because of FSM, no believer in FSM tries to force their religious viewpoints on others, and Ma’s spaghetti is so good that it has to be of divine descent.” However, there are some in Jersey who believe this move violates their First Amendment rights by impeding the rights of the people to practice their religious belief.
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“We are deeply offended by this move,” said an open note written to Christie by religious leaders representing numerous faiths from Christianity, Buddhism, Islam and Judaism. “This move violates everything this great nation was founded upon. When the first Americans arrived they sought freedom from religious persecution. This move is not only bad for Jersey, but it is also bad for our nation.” Christie, during a press conference, responded to this letter by stating the reasons why he signed this bill without a moment’s hesitation. “Let me be clear, the religion of Pastafarianism allows for the free expression of all religion and in no way will my administration discriminate against those who choose to follow the doctrine of other religions,” said Christie during the press conference before national media. “However, we are deeply offended by the proposal put forward by the North Carolina. If those backwater hicks in North Carolina’s legislative branch think they can subvert this nation’s constitution by enforcing religious doctrine on its citizens, let it be known that Jersey thinks their proposal is an idiotic as saying a Flying Spaghetti Monster created all of humanity.”
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bartender of the week Siobhan cafÉ Relationship status: Taken Hometown: Kintnersville, PA Best perk of working: Meeting new friends Best night to work: Fridays, especially Halloween time Worst thing you’ve seen bartending: People being flat out stupid, drunk, and getting kicked out. Funniest Story: Colbie Caillat was at Café and I didn’t know it was her until after I served her. Biggest tip: $100 F**ck, marry, kill; Miley Cyrus, Britney Spears, Nikki Minaj: F**k Nikki Minaj, kill Miley Cyrus, marry Britney Spears Person you would drink with, dead or alive: My grandma
the drinking game:
recipe for disaster:
Beeramid
chocolate lasagna
The Egyptians had a long history of drinking beer, the Aztecs too. Yes, these great civilizations just loved cracking open a cold one after a hard day erecting awe-inspiring feats of engineering. Now it’s time to include the college student when breathlessly mentioning great pyramid-building, beer-loving societies. Greatness, thy name is Keystone Light!
Screw all the health crap being shoved down everyone’s throats. Live a little, have the extra piece of cake, drink more beer, and have dessert for dinner—especially if it’s chocolate lasagna.
What You’ll Need: Some empties, some fullies, a fair amount of coordination. Number of Players: 3-6 Level of Intoxication: Denial (of your drinking problem) ain’t just a river in Egypt. How to Play: - Start the game by placing one full beer in the middle of the table. - Moving clockwise, each player takes turns placing an empty beer can to the right or left of the full beer can. - The bottom row of cans can only be six cans wide. - Once at least two beer cans are placed on the bottom row, players may begin building up, creating the classic two-dimensional pyramid shape. - Players continue building the pyramid until the pyramid collapses. - No player may place one can directly on top of another can, unless the all six vertical rows of the pyramid are completed. In this case, begin stacking single beers on top of one another. - The player who causes the pyramid to collapse must chug the full beer on the bottom row of the pyramid. The Game Ends When: Someone gets mad and calls their mummy.
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What You’ll Need: 1 package Oreo cookies, 6 tablespoon melted butter, 8-ounce package cream cheese (softened), 1/4 cup granulated sugar, 2 tablespoons milk, 12-ounce tub of Cool Whip, two 3.9-ounce packages of chocolate instant pudding, 3 1/4 cups cold milk, and 1 1/2 cups mini chocolate chips. Cook Time: Just over an hour. Fatty Factor: The perfect cure for a chubby kid’s sweet tooth. Let’s Get Baked: - Put the Oreos in a Ziploc bag and smash them with a hard object until they’re crumbs. We recommend thinking about something that pisses you off, like your lying, cheating whore ex. - Add the melted butter into the Oreo bag and mix. - Pour the Oreo and butter mix evenly across the bottom of your baking pan and place the pan in the refrigerator while you prepare the rest of the recipe. - Mix the cream cheese in a separate bowl until it’s light and fluffy. - Add in 2 tablespoons of milk, sugar and 1 1/2 cups of the Cool Whip and mix until combined. - Remove the pan from the fridge and spread the cream cheese mixture over the Oreo crust. - Combine the chocolate instant pudding with the rest of the milk. Stir until the pudding starts to thicken. - Spread the pudding over the other layers with a spatula. - Let your lasagna chill for another five minutes in the refrigerator. - Remove the pan from the fridge, spread the remaining Cool Whip over your lasagna and sprinkle chocolate chips over the top. - Put your chocolate lasagna in the freezer for an hour before chowin’ down. Let it thaw a bit before diggin’ your teeth into it. The Black Sheep is not responsible for dental work. We’ll pull the teeth out, though, if you ask nicely.
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The
Summer Internship Office Season 3 Season 1
A Few Major Plot Points: The first season in the office gives a six-episode glimpse into Michael Scott’s uncomfortable weirdness, Jim’s crush on Pam (though she’s engaged to Roy), and the potential shutdown of the Dunder Mifflin branch. Which Makes the Audience Think: “What a weird, insular world these people live in.” It’s Like, Real Life, Man: It’s the first day, and the too-cool-for-school 40-year-old giving you a tour of the office uses words like “brews” and “babes” to feel out your life outside of work. After he gets alltoo-excited showing you the IKEA-grade twirly chair you’ll call home this summer, he sheepishly asks you to help him remove some malware from his computer, but asks you be discreet about it; he can’t get caught browsing porn in the workplace, again. Over an Arby’s lunch in the break room you learn Tim has a crush on Sarah, but Sarah likes Peter. Though you thought such grade school antics would be left on the urine-soaked spiral slide on which you lost your virginity, you soon realize that most workplaces are little more than nine-to-five corrals for people with serious issues under very thin skin.
Week 1
A Few Major Plot Points: Oscar is outed as a homosexual, Dwight takes Ryan out to Schrute Farms for an initiation with Mose, the Dunder Mifflin staff goes to Kelly’s Diwali celebration, and many attend Phyllis’ wedding. Which Makes the Audience Think: “Wait, so these people do have lives outside of the office.” It’s Like, Real Life, Man: Sure, in the office the employees may seem like pathetic drones just checking off boxes until they end up six feet under, but outside of the office... they’re even more pathetic. Becky – who certainly has a crush on you – invited you to a family cookout that featured hockey puck hamburgers and a screaming match with her dad, highlighted with, “Well, if you don’t want to pay for another abortion, it looks like I’ll have to get [you] to kick your ass!” After hightailing it out of there you decide to meet up with Sarah, the other intern they hired this summer, just to see if her outlook is as jaded as your own. It isn’t. As she tells you her twenty-year plan that involved crawling up the corporate ladder one hard-fought rung at a time, only to quit at the peak of her middle management powers to have two kids, you begin wondering why gun laws aren’t more lax in the United States.
Week 2
Week 3 Season 4
Season 2
A Few Major Plot Points: Michael hosts the Dundies, an award ceremony for the employees. Relationships rise and fall as Michael and his boss Jan secretly date, and Roy sets a wedding date on a company-funded booze cruise. Which Makes the Audience Think: “At the end of the day we’re all bags of meat trying to survive another day.” It’s Like, Real Life, Man: After sitting through a grueling four-hour motivational speaker who tries to inspire staff with empty pablum like, “It doesn’t matter where you’re coming from; it only matters where you’re going,” and “If you’re not moving towards your goals, you’re moving away from your goals,” everyone breaks for the nearest strip mall restaurant that sells liquor. Six drinks and a lot of group venting later, it’s just you and Tim alternately shooting the shit and shooting whisky. He tells you about his big plans to move to the city to escape his love for Sarah, but the lack of conviction in his voice betrays how trapped he realizes he is. When he’s in the bathroom you whisper into your phone, “Siri, note that I shouldn’t ever be as pathetic as Tim.” She responds with, “Then why did you take this internship you unambitious piece of shit?”
Week 4
A Few Major Plot Points: After Karen leaves and breaks up with him, Jim becomes the regional manager of the Scranton branch, and begins dating Pam. Toby moves to Costa Rica after confessing his love for Pam, and is replaced by Holly Flax, who shows affection for Michael. Despite being in a loving relationship with Jim, Pam moves to New York for a three-month stint at art school. Which Makes the Audience Think: “Sometimes it’s important to look up from your daily grind, stop, and shake things up.” It’s Like, Real Life, Man: All your friends are either working internships that fall in line with their future careers, or living off daddy’s money doing a summer-long, music fest bender. You come into the office to sit under sterile lighting and get mixed up in meaningless peoples’ lives for what, $10 and hour? Another bullet point on your resume? You’ll spend all that money within three weeks of fall semester, and the only “skill” you’re gaining here is “coordinated with management” and “became fluent in Microsoft Office.” Your other co-workers seem to be escaping this sinking ship, and you should too.
The Office, a nine-year Thursday night comedy staple, is wrapping up its run on May 16th, right as you’re about to start your summer internship. The parallels are astounding, as the progression of the show perfectly mimics your slipping sanity while working this summer. Don’t believe us? Read on. Written by Brendan and Quinn Season 9
Season 5
A Few Major Plot Points: Jim and Pam become engaged, and Pam moves back to Scranton where the two buy Jim’s parents’ house. Michael attempts a romance with Holly, but she’s transferred to another branch. Michael hates the new vice president of Dunder Mifflin and decides to start the Michael Scott Paper Company, but it is immediately bought out by Dunder Mifflin. Which Makes the Audience Think: “Sometimes it’s best to ignore what ails you, buckle down, and get back in line.” It’s Like, Real Life, Man: Things are finally starting to get a little interesting, the two people you kind of like are around on a regular basis, and your boss isn’t so awkwardly focused on making you feel at home. Instead he’s got his eye on the new HR lady, who’s actually kind of hot. Once you get to really know these people, you start to care for them. And when you start to care for them, you become interested in the tiniest aspects of their day-to-day interactions. Plus you’ve got a lot of responsibility, and your beloved co-workers actually rely on you! You’re a special, and important part of this organization, to leave now would be a downright mean thing to do.
Week 5
Season 7
A Few Major Plot Points: Michael Scott asks for Holly’s hand in marriage and the two move to Colorado. More relationships change. Michael’s first replacement is seriously injured, leading Jo, the CEO of Sabre, to create a search committee to interview candidates to manage the office. Which Makes the Audience Think: “This whole thing’s but a walking shadow, full of sound and fury, yet signifying nothing.” It’s Like, Real Life, Man: You’ve tuned out. Your kind-of-endearing but increasingly-annoying manager has moved on after dedicating 20 years of his heart and soul to the company. Everyone is caught up in the same drivel that blinds them from the truth: they’re living horrifyingly bland lives. He likes her, she likes someone else, and the no one likes the new manager. Whatever, you’re almost out. Two more weeks and you’ll continue your education, trying ever harder to ensure you never get caught staring into the cold, unforgiving glow of a computer screen for hours on end. All these things happen around you, but like a dead cat carcass in the bottom of a river, you let it all pass over you. The only thing that keeps you coming back is some unknown universal force of attachment to the place, and another brick in the ol’ resume.
Week 6
Week 7
A Few Major Plot Points: Oscar considers adopting Angela’s cat, Kevin gets a turtle, Dwight teaches Erin Dothraki, an acapella group shows up, Pam gives people lice, and there’s a paper airplane contest. Which Makes the Audience Think: “This is the way the world ends. This is the way the world ends. This is the way the world ends. Not with a bang but a whimper.” It’s Like, Real Life, Man: Love, loss, heartbreak, sadness, despair, the summer of 2013 has been a death march started on the happy shores of Memorial Day, and only precious few will make it to the deep-jungle internment camp just past Labor Day. The oppressive early-August humidity coupled with emotional burnout caused by high staff turnover, little time off, and policy changes leaves staffers with thousand-yard stares. Yancy is killing time counting watercooler bubbles, and Fran just keeps Xeroxing the same blank sheet of paper over and over again. Everyone just wants the summer to be over with, most of all, you. As you thumb through party pics from the previous spring on your iPhone, you find yourself compelled to walk out the door. As you exit the building you rip off your tie and slacks, as the cool, moist air rushes over your naked body. Freeeeeeeedom! You’ll never work a white-collar job again.
Week 8
Week 9
Season 6
A Few Major Plot Points: Jim and Pam have a baby, while other relationships bud or falter, keeping the dying show on life support. At Christmas it’s announced that Dunder Mifflin will be bought out by Sabre Corporation, a printer company. Many executives are let go and other branches closed, but the Scranton office prevails yet again. Which Makes the Audience Think: “This monotony is inescapable. It goes on and on and on, the same thing over and over again until we die.” It’s Like, Real Life, Man: Turns out a larger company is buying the shitty company you work for, so hey, maybe you’ll have more connections coming out of this thing than a letter of recommendation from Randy, the guy who feeds and waters his jar of pennies in the back. Yes, it could also mean the branch you work for might close, but that’s fine because you’ve been wanting to get out of here and away from all the weird inter-office fucking that goes on. But just when you start to see the light, a sickening change in upper management sets you right back in line. Coming in every day, watching the same dead-eyed people have meaningless bouts of awkward conversation, and incessantly churning out whatever product you produce for the insatiable capitalist machine.
Season 8
A Few Major Plot Points: Robert California helms Dunder Mifflin/Sabre, Andy takes over as Regional Manager, mad people be pregnant, and Andy quits. Which Makes the Audience Think: “The new sheriff in town will force these people back in line, unless he’s as insane as the rest of them.” It’s Like, Real Life, Man: You’re hoping this new manager will come in, lay down the law, and make these last few weeks turn to the normalcy you expected when you signed up for this gig. No dice. Instead, he’s even zanier than the last guy. He puts Mark “I threw a mini fridge down the elevator shaft when I wasn’t granted the vacation days I wanted” Miller in charge of your department; sure it’s quieter, but you could cut the tension with a knife. Every day a very pregnant Katelyn quietly cries a few cubicles over. You wish you could join her in sobbing, but that would mean the stale fluorescent bulbs hadn’t sapped you of every last emotion you’ve ever had. A lecture hall never sounded more promising.
page 14
find the differences
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there are 10 differences in this sweet job fair seminar. can you find them all?
the crossword: candies
Across 1) People collect these dispensers 2) Most popular type of gummi 4) “You’re not you when you’re hungry.” 7) Extremely sour candy that was a hit in middle school 11) It’s supposedly everlasting 12) Lil' Wayne wanted to lick you like one of these 15) A chew named after this 1920s dance 16) You can’t really use this candy for support, gramps 18) This candy is found on a strip of paper 20) A classic novel, with three of these
6) Individually wrapped chewy candy, originally known as Opal Fruits 8) Also the name of a Burger King staple 9) Pennsylvania town and huge chocolate manufacturer 10) A notoriously fancy chocolate company 11) M&M’s seductive mascot is this color 13) Bart Simpson was the face of this in the 90s 14) Peanut butter cup brand with over 21 variations 17) This mint had a whole Seinfeld episode 19) Caramel and cookie covered in milk chocolate
DOWN 1) Little marshmallow chicks 3) Kids crushed these and snorted them, stupidly 5) Popular Easter chocolate egg
Meet The Staff campus manager
PR Manager Olivia Sloan
Advertising ManagerS David Porter Callanan, Olivia Sloan, Manisha Yarlagadda
pr team Briana Meme, Jenna Seco
Writers Celeste Beckman, David Porter Callanan, Devin Cox, Kayla Danielle Driscoll, Adam Cochrane Sammy Mancuso, Ben Morse, Evan Witmer
campus director Quinn Myers
distribution manager David Porter Callanan
Founders Atish Doshi, Brendan Bonham, Heather Jo Erickson, Jimmy DeBlasio, Jessica Sommers, Quinn Myers
David Porter Callanan
photographer You? You!
Disclaimer The Black Sheep in no way promotes, encourages or supports binge drinking, and/or under-age drinking. This newspaper is designed for entertainment purposes only and does not recommend attempting anything printed in this publication. Please drink...responsibly and legally.
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How to play Doodle some dots on the page until a friend (or your brain) tells you to stop. Starting with M.A.S.H., go around the board crossing off whatever option corresponds with your number. Go around the board until only one of each category is left. That, my friend, is your future. Enjoy it.
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