The Black Sheep
fr e ra e... nd lik om e f ta ood ilg a at nd et b hi eer sw f ee rom ke nd a !
• a college newspaper that’s actually about college •
Volume 1, Issue 6 • 4/18/13 - 4/24/13
theblacksheeponline.com @BlackSheep_PSU
PSUTXT Becomes Private Enterprise Adam Cochrane wrote this Today, in a startling announcement at a Penn State news conference, the school’s administration is moving forward with plans to make their PSUTXT system, a system once used to inform students about on-campus emergencies, into an advertiser-sponsored messaging system. “Today we are proud to announce that our PSUTXT messaging system will now be funded by outside investors,” said Lisa Powers, Director of Public Information. “Sure, our system will continue to inform of tornados, gunmen and volcano eruptions, but now our system will also inform let them know urgent emergencies such as half-off baby-back ribs at Chili's!” Many advertisers are expected to buy into this new direct marketing scheme, however, some parents and students are highly skeptical of the move. Thankfully, Penn State says that this new system will help fund “necessary expenditures.” “Are you aware of how many pens are lost on a given day just in my office?” asked Powers angrily during the news conference. “There are just not enough pens around for important Penn State business, so it is imperative that we have the resources to ensure that everyone gets a writing utensil. I mean this is better than raising tuition again, right?” Many potential advertisers from businesses, political organizations, and alumni donation collectors are looking to blow a load of hot cash into the newly privatized texting system that reaches nearly 20,000 students and parents. “Let’s not forget, this is all for the safety of the students,” said Wayne LaPierre, Vice President of the National Rifle Association. “Now, when there’s a guy with a gun on campus we can properly alert all the students to gather up their hidden firearms and go mow down that psychopath!” The National Rifle Association was the first to purchase advertising space on the new PSU TXT system. LaPierre is looking forward to promoting safety and reporting emergencies to the students that subscribe to the system. One such PSUTXT sponsored by the NRA states “Good guys assemble! Psychopath with knife spotted north on campus, show that sucker some vigilante justice Batman style, holla at your bro LaPierre.” Many other businesses however, plan to use the system for more somber texts. “Mystery box found at forum building! Speaking of mystery, discover what’s cooking in our fishy McBites only at McDonalds,” according to one McDonalds’ text alert.
Angry Flyers Fan Angry About the Flyers
“Rabid dog makes his way onto campus and this would be a good reminder to get your pet spayed or neutered,” read one PSUTXT sent out by Spay USA.
“Oh god am I going to shower with those hot inky pens,” Lisa Powers cried out in a fit of ecstasy. She is not the only one excited about this new move.
“Fire alarm at Fidley Commons, but it’s not as hot as the new grilled-fired chili peppers steak at T.G.I Friday’s!” read another.
“More money, more bitches,” wrote President Rodney Erickson in an email. “Seems like someone is getting balls deep in some hot stripper ass tonight! I’m just so surprised my homeboy triple OG brother from another mother Graham Spam never thought about doing this. Guess that’s why they showed that sucker the door.”
“Meteor strike imminent, smoke em’ if you got them -- Marb Reds, two dollars off at all BP gas stations!” read another PSUTXT sponsored by Marlboro cigarettes. It goes without saying, advertisers will take full advantage of this new system. But it is also clear that this shift will generate plenty of revenue for Penn State.
what'’s inside
What do you think of the privatization of PSUTXT? Feel free to respond to the PSUTXT The Black Sheep dropped $800 on, “PENIS PENIS BONER BONER BONER #KONY2012 pick up our paper in your butthole. @BlackSheep_PSU!!!”
My Four Years: A Bro’s Reflection
Top Ten Things You Freshman Should Have Learned this year
Why the “City of Brotherly Love” actually hates everything and everyone.
Chad looks back on his four years and regrets nothing, even though he really learned nothing in class.
This list is way more important than any class you will ever take.
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contents page 4: New Penguins Fan Loves the Penguins
Questions? Comments? Compliments? Insults? info@theblacksheeponline.com
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He just found out about them a few years ago but that doesn’t mean he isn’t already a die hard!
page 5: From the Streets
What’s your most awkward moment in class?
page 7: 420 Blaze It: An 8th Grader’s First Time Getting High
Table of
An open letter from a kid who doesn’t even know what THC means.
page 9: Fro Yo: Why?
We don’t know when or why the Frozen Yogurt craze began but it needs to die. Besides, we all know The Creamery is way better.
page 11: Bartender of the week
Collin from Mad Mex loves Photography and Bon Iver. They sort of go hand in hand.
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word of the week Kartography:
The memorization of all maps in the entire Mario Kart franchise. “Tilda’s kartography was so sound she knew the secret jumps at Wario Stadium and Wario’s Gold Mine.”
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Angry Flyers Fan
Angry About the Flyers psu staff wrote this
A Penn State senior professed his hatred for his favorite NHL team, the Philadelphia Flyers, on Monday following another loss to some shitty team that no one cares about. The loss dropped the Flyers record to something horrifically bad—like really terrible, we can’t emphasize how bad they were this season. Because of this embarrassing loss they will miss the playoffs for the first time since 2007. After the game, in a drunken rage, James Holden updated his Facebook status to “ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS FLYERS? THIS WAS SUPPOSED TO BE OUR YEAR! FIRE HOLMGREN AND LAVY. THEY SHOULDN’T JUST LOSE THEIR JOBS, THEY SHOULD BE BURNED WITH REAL FIRE! BRYZGALOV TOO!” The status received 89 “likes” and several comments including, “Please don’t harm yourself over this, James, we worry about you,” and “Hi James it’s your aunt Susan! I hope you’re having fun at school! Tell your mother I said hello!1!” This is not the first time Holden has acted in an egregious manner following a Flyers loss, according to his friends and family. Holden has undergone severe mental stress
annually from October to May throughout his young life. Despite constant success in the regular season, and trips to the playoffs nearly every year that he has existed, the Flyers haven’t won the Stanley Cup since 1975 -- when Holden was negative sixteen years old. This mental stress, commonly referred to as “being from Philadelphia,” has led to Holden seeing a therapist twice a week, ever since the Eagles lost three straight NFC championships and a Super Bowl from 2002-2005. “We thought James was going to be cured after The Phillies 2008 World Series victory, but since then we have had major setbacks including the Eagles missing the playoffs two seasons in a row, the Flyers losing to the Blackhawks in the Stanley Cup, and the Sixers just being terrible all around,” said Holden’s therapist Dr. Scientist MD. Holden’s ex-girlfriend Sarah Bigtits, who asked to remain anonymous for her own safety, told us James' behavior went from bad to worse when he started attending Penn State in the fall of 2009. “It was hard enough for him being at home, but at least he was surrounded by people who were also depressed about being from Philadelphia,”
said Gaffney. “But being surrounded by people whose teams won championships on a consistent basis, like Pittsburgh and New York fans, that was his breaking point.”
“We’ll probably never make the playoffs again. We need defenseman, trade everyone but Giroux and Couturier. Start over. They should just hire me as GM,” said Holden.
This fall, while the NHL was in lockout, Holden received a 4.0 GPA, despite the Phillies and Eagles missing the playoffs. The Flyers' latest plunge into obscurity along with the Phillies' rocky start has clearly affected Holden’s mindset once again, and now it’s uncertain whether he will graduate this spring. When asked about his current academic status, Holden kept changing the topic back to the Flyers.
This continued for several minutes before Holden calmed down and collected himself. When asked what his reaction would be if the Penguins or Rangers won the Stanley Cup, Holden became quiet before responding. “I honestly don’t even know what I would do, I wouldn’t want to live in a world this cruel anymore.”
New Penguins Fan Loves the Penguins DPC wrote this A house on Allen Street was cleared out of all party-goers on Wednesday night after an insufferable Penn State sophomore drunkenly professed his love for the Pittsburgh Penguins. Ryan Sanders, who has casually watched the Penguins for four whole seasons, ranted about why the Penguins were the best team ever and would once again win the Stanley Cup this year. Witnesses say an altercation started after James Holden, a Flyers fan, told Sanders that Penguins star center Sidney Crosby is “a pussy who sucks.” This led to Holden Googling Crosby career stats and comparing them side-by-side to Flyers star Claude Giroux. Sanders started shoving his phone in Holden’s face to prove his point. Holden, then started referring to them as the “Kansas City Penguins” due to the team almost relocating to Kansas City in the mid-2000s because of poor attendance. When quizzed about the team’s history, Sanders admitted he thought Penguins hall of famer and team co-owner Mario Lemieux’s real name was “Super Mario like the guy from the video-game.” He revealed that he’s a Los Angeles Lakers and New York Yankees fan who didn’t even know that the Pittsburgh Pirates existed, because they’ve been irrelevant since he was born. From that point on Sanders only responses to Holden were “Flyers suck” and “1975,” which was the last time the Flyers won a Stanley Cup. This childish tactic has been commonly
used by Penguins fans ever since the Penguins beat the Flyers during the 2009 playoffs en route to winning their third Stanley Cup in 20 years. Holden had to be physically removed from the party after threatening to kill Sanders over the argument. While Holden was being escorted out by his friends, Sanders yelled “Division Champs, baby!” This type of behavior can be seen at almost any party with a Pittsburgh or Philly asshole in attendance. “I honestly can’t even believe you guys still report on this,” said one rational party goer. “They argue over this stuff like it actually matters. We’re just glad they didn’t bring up the whole Wawa vs. Sheetz argument.” Survivors of the altercation said that after Holden was removed, Sanders continued running his mouth. One brave soul risked his own life and caught it all on film. The video shows Sanders yelling at an innocent bystander. A group of freshmen girls cowered in a corner as Sanders ranted about the team. “Yinz [western PA slang for ‘you all’] thought we were good in 2009 when we won the Cup?! Well now we have Jason Iginla, John Neal, and Crosby will be back for the playoffs. No one will stop us,” he yelled at the girls. Shortly after this people started clearing the room until he was the only left, but the screaming continued until he passed out on a nearby couch. Sanders roommates then
carried him back to their downtown apartment. When asked how he would react if the Penguins won the Stanley Cup one roommate was almost speechless at the thought alone. “He would be so unbearable. I wouldn’t want to live in a world this cruel anymore.”
From the Streets
[PartyPics]
Got a question you want us to ask? FTS@theblacksheeponline.com
What's your most awkward moment in class? “Someone gave a speech that was supposed to be three minutes. He went on for 25 minutes about this girl he loved. The girl was sitting in the front row crying the whole time. It was unreal.” - Bill, Senior
“A kid in my philosophy class argued that if two guys can get married then people will be able to marry clocks eventually. Some girl next to him said “How the fuck is a clock going to sign a piece of paper?” - Timothy, Senior
"This pizza delivery guy interrupted my lecture of 200 people. Finally after coming in and out of the class three times a girl stood up and said she ordered it. The whole class lost it." - David, Senior
send your party pics to pics@theblacksheeponline.com
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The
Top 10
Things You Freshmen Should Have Learned This Year
10.) You can’t out-drink everyone: You may have been “the man” back in high school, but up here in the alcoholic abyss that is State College, there is always someone who can crush more than you in Happy Valley. Drinking contests aren’t cool unless you win, so we hope you avoided them at all costs. 9.) Don’t sleep with the girl on the sixth floor: Living in East Halls is like being on The Real World -- you’re stuck in close quarters, often drunk, and always with members of the opposite sex. Just keep in mind that when you shit where you eat, you may have to deal with some awkward elevator rides afterwards. 8.) Don’t date the guy on the fourth floor: For the “lucky” ones whose intra-dorm hookup managed to make it past a one night stand, the appeal of that first college relationship usually just leads to a terrible combination of smothering each other, insecurity, and unfaithfulness. Be patient younglings!
My Four Years: A Bro’s Reflection
7.) Leave your high school sweetheart behind: This one might be worse than dating someone in your dorm because of the attachment involved. You will miss out on everything because of your relationship, and we mean everything. Unless you’re positive that you are soul mates (you’re not), we hope you cut ties after high school graduation. 6.) Just go to class: Yeah, this will change as you approach graduation, but that doesn’t make it right! Going to the study review means nothing if you don’t know any of the material in the study review. Just be thankful you’re hardest class this year was MATH 140. 5.) Keep in touch with friends from high school: People change when they go to PSU, it’s a fact. Still, no one likes those annoying “my school raised millions of dollars for childhood cancer what did your school do?” people. Be humble and keep in touch with old friends so your summers aren’t lonely, even if they’re pregnant and still talk about prom.
Chad Brahman wrote this As graduation approaches, I think back to the days I arrived on campus a naïve, uneducated freshman, and how far I’ve come since then. I reflect on how much I’ve grown. It has to be at least a whole inch, or even two. After being voted “most likely to become a Facebook club promoter” in high school, I had a lot to live up to. I could never make a list of my greatest accomplishments in the last four years, but I can list some of my most prominent moments as described to all of my friends on Xbox Live. Getting Involved: Coming to Penn State, I knew that I was going to be that kid on campus who participated in everything. So I did what any smart kid would do: I signed up for every club possible. I never went to a single meeting, but the activity section of my resume was so long I had to change the font to size 6. Brotherhood: Greek life was the way to go. I came here with like a 3.2 GPA and some promise of a future. But grades are worthless in the cutthroat world of gaining new bros, and I didn’t want to hamper people’s ability to take me seriously, so I took my GPA into a nosedive like a plane without engines. Valuable Life Lessons: Penn State taught me how to be the “bigger person” …physically. Oh, you want to go to the gym to lose weight and get healthy? Well I want arms bigger than my head. Everyone at the gym wants tips whether they’re asking for them or not. Don’t ever be afraid to tell someone else that they’re doing it wrong. Statistically, the less semesters they’ve been here, and the less Greek they are, the less they know about lifting. I may be a business major, but that’s just science, bro. Professionalism: I learned the difference between business formal, business casual, casual, semi-casual, semi-formal, formal pregames, pregame power hours, hour-long showers, and
shower beers. Business: I could basically rewrite the book on supply and demand at this point. When the supply of finals is high, the demand for Adderall is greater. I also like to tell girls their body has the curves of supply and demand. I could have minored in pick-up lines. Finance: College taught me about investing. Why spend money on books that give me a onesemester return on knowledge when I can spend money on alcohol that gives me a lifetime return of being a frat legend? Statistics: I learned a lot about probability too. For example, if there are four girls in my bedroom, one handle of fruity vodka and it’s after midnight, what is the probability that I’m going to get laid? Answer: 110%. Responsibility: I never got to serve on my chapter’s executive board due to some technical stipulations along the lines of “Yo that kid’s IQ says he shouldn’t even be able to tie his own shoes” but I learned all about how to manage a budget after buying almost every article of Penn State clothing that the Family Clothesline sells. Plus, if I wear these clothes to an interview, I don’t even need to list my school on my resume, leaving extra space for fun facts like, “Can shotgun a beer in under eight seconds.”
4.) Don’t try and be friends with everyone: Freshman year is a friend-making orgy, but when you develop a quantity-over-quality attitude, you might end up being fake friends with some serious dickheads while overlooking the true gems that could really make you happy. 3.) Join some clubs!: When parents aren’t in the picture anymore, it can be really tempting to go AWOL with extracurricular activities, especially when dorm lounging is so much easier. Just keep in mind that once people get bored of their dorm friends, they’ll make new ones, and you’ll be left to uneventful Friday nights.
As Green Day once specifically said about graduation, “It’s something unpredictable, but in the end it’s right, I hope you have the time of your life.”
2.) But Not TOO many clubs: In contrast to being a paralyzed futon potato, another big mistake is joining five different clubs and a sports team. This isn’t high school; being a serial club member will only stretch you so thin that you won’t have the time or energy to go out on the weekends with your new friends.
I may not have ended my four years here with a starting salary, a co-op, or even a degree. But, in the end it was right, I hope you had the time of your life… or no, I hope I had the time of my life. Yeah, touchy ‘n shit.
1.) Never Ever Take an 8 a.m. again: You thought, “I woke up earlier than that in high school, it’ll be a piece of cake.” Nope. It’s the worst thing ever. Luckily, scheduling an 8 a.m. is like having chicken pox – once you do it, the chances you do it again are next to none… unless you’re an engineer… because engineers get chicken pox really easily. You didn’t know that?
psu staff wrote this
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420 blaze it: An 8th Grader’s First Time Getting High Tbs staff wrote this hey guys whuddup my names tyler and i just wanna say i cannot WAIT for the best holiday on earth next to christmas (i wonder if santa ever smoked the ganj lol) to roll in. anyway, 420 is upon us once again and id just like to share with all of my fellow “advocates of the green” out there my first experience getting high last year, which was waaaaay too late if you ask me. seriously, if any1 offered me a spliff at like, age 6 id light dat shit up faster than my man mr. marley (my idol btw). i just figured id do my job as a reborn ENT and spread the good word of the day i went to heaven (when i first smoked basically lol). also, i need to kill some time on my moms laptop while my new video “how to roll a fatty w/o your hands” uploads to youtube. ok so me and my buddies tommy and david (tommy is the chill one and davids the pussy aha) were tearing it up at the skate park after ditching gym class cuz idgaf if i get expelled, wearing gym clothes is dumb as hell. so me and the guys were skating and all of a sudden this high school kid came up to us wearing a sublime shirt, so he was totally ok. then he was like “hey do you guys smoke?” and then tommy was like “yeah” and i was like “a little bit” (even though i had only tried to smoke a sheet of spiral paper in 6th grade) and david said “no thats lame” and me and tommy were like “stfu david” and we all laughed. so then the high school guy (he must have been at least 20 cuz he had a moustache) asked us if we wanted to buy some pot. at this point a choir of angels said “hallelujah” in my ears…lol jk but i was seriously so stoked to be able to trip out finally. the guy said he would sell us a pound of purple strand kush straight from columbia (which is some bufu part of mexico i think, idk) for 60 bucks. like, he would sell us the WHOLE bag. and he said that we would get higher than cheech and chong on holiday in hampsterdam (the original stoners lol love you guys),
so there was no way i could turn this down. so me and tommy put in 20 bucks each and we told david wed beat the shit out of him if he didn’t pitch in (hed probably be a bitch about it anyway like when me and tommy totally had the chance to bang this one freshman chick but hung out with david instead because he needed support because his dad died or some shit). we went back to tommys house with the weed because his parents dgaf because their divorced and they let him do whatever he wants (i wish my mom and dad would do that too, itd be awesome haha) and we sat in his basement while he got his lighter and rolling paper that he printed from the internet (word of advice to all my potheads reading this: google images “rolling paper” and thank me later). david opened the bag and said something stupid like “this smells like my moms spice rack” and then i was like “my dick smells like your moms rack” and me and tommy laughed so hard. then david, because hes such an idiot, tastes a little bit of it and says “no really it tastes like it too” and so i was like “youre obviously high now you dumbass, you cant just eat mary-j like that, right tommy?” tommy agreed with me and we kicked out david for being an asshole lol. so then tommy lit the blunt and took a monster hit but he didn’t puff out any smoke (i think hes just a vet you know) and then he passed it to me. i breathed in like id be doing this all my life and i starting coughing and shit and it was so awful but i blew out the smoke immediately because thats how the weed starts working. after one hit i was in complete nirvana (good band too RIP kurt) and i was seeing colors all over and i was laughing so hard and i was tripping balls at that point. tommy kept saying he wasnt high. light weight lol. needless to say, after the high was gone after like 5 hours, i went back and bought more of the wonder drug from that high school kid. he always laughs
whenever i buy from him, so hes probably stoned out of his mind too aha. so thats my story and shit i hope you guys like it since my videos done and my bitch mom is telling me to get off the computer. peace guys. legalize don’t criticize. smoke weed everyday. highest regards, tyler “cloud 9”
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The Bar Grid Happy Hour Every Night 10PM-Midnight!
Sun - Thu Happy Hour 9:30 - 11:30 1/2 Price Mixed Drinks & Mixed Shots, $3 Featured Drinks available all day everyday $12 Hookahs before 9pm
Every Night! 10-12: $2 Strong Island Iced Teas, $2 Shots (over 100 choices), $3 Colossal Teas, $3 22oz Bacardi drinks in all 13 flavors, $3 Vegas Bombs and all bomb shots, $3 Smirnoff drinks , $4 Smirnoff and Red Bull, $4 Patron shots
SUNDAY - THURSDAY $3 Local Pint of the Day (all day) 10PM-11PM: $2.50 Spiced Rum and Coke/Bourbon and Coke, $2.50 Local Pints
THURS. 4/18
Happy Hour 10pm-12am: $2 ABC's, $3 Grey Goose $1.50 Bud Lite Drafts (All Day)
Pop Culture Party (9PM-2AM), $2.50 Bud light drafts/ $7.50 pitchers (All Day) Happies 10PM - midnight: Half price all Liquor and Mixed Drinks ($1 extra for Red Bull during happies)
Thirsty Thursdays Featuring DJ DRU! Happy Hour 9:30 - 11:30 1/2 Price Mixed Drinks & Mixed Shots $3 featured Drinks available all day
DJ Cashous! Free Cover 9-10pm, $3 Cover After
$3 Local Pint of the Day (all day) 10PM-11PM: $2.50 Spiced Rum and Coke/Bourbon and Coke, $2.50 Local Pints
FRI. 4/19
Happy Hour 10pm-12am: $3 Absolute Bacardi Flavors, $2 Blue Moon Drafts (All Day)
Rock & Roll All Night (9PM-2AM), $3 Blue Moon drafts/ $9 pitchers Happies 10 PM - midnight (except home games): $2.50 moonshiners, $3.50 flavored vodka and Bacardi Oakheart ($2 extra for Red Bull during happies)
Featuring DJ Cashous Happy Hour 9:30 - 11:30 $3 Smirnoff Flavors $3 Jose Cuervo Shots $12 Hookahs before 9 pm
DJ Manik Mike (State College's only video DJ) Free Cover 9-10pm, $3 Cover After
$3 Local Pint of the Day (all day) 5PM-7PM, 10PM-12AM: $2.50 Spiced Rum and Coke/Bourbon and Coke, $2.50 Local Pints
SAT. 4/20
Happy Hour 10pm-12am: $3 Absolute Bacardi Flavors, $2 Blue Moon Drafts (All Day)
Free For All Music Fest + DJ (9PM-2AM), Blue Moon $3 draft/$9 pitchers (all day) Happies 10 PM midnight (except home games): $2.50 moonshiners, $3.50 flavored vodka and Bacardi Oakheart ($2 extra for Red Bull during happies)
Featuring DJ Keigo Happy Hour 9:30 - 11:30 $3 Smirnoff Flavors $3 Jose Cuervo Shots $12 Hookahs before 9 pm
DJ Kid AV and special guests! Free Cover 9-10pm, $3 Cover After
$3 Local Pint of the Day (all day) 10PM-12AM: $2.50 Spiced Rum and Coke/Bourbon and Coke, $2.50 Local Pints
SUN. 4/21
Full menu + Brunch 11am - 2pm
Nascar & Maxin' Relaxin (9PM2AM), Bud light $2.50 drafts /$7.50 pitchers (all day) Happies: 10PMmidnight: Half off all liquor ($1 extra for Red Bull during happies), $2 Miller light drafts/ $6 Pitchers, $1.75 Coors Light bottles
S.I.N. Sundays $10 Hookahs All Day Happy Hour 9:30 - 11:30 1/2 Price Mixed Drinks & Mixed Shots, $3 Featured Drinks available all day
10-12: $2 Strong Island Iced Teas, $2 Shots (over 100 choices), $3 Colossal Teas, $3 22oz Bacardi drinks in all 13 flavors, $3 Vegas Bombs and all bomb shots, $3 Smirnoff drinks , $4 Smirnoff and Red Bull, $4 Patron shots
$3 Local Pint of the Day (all day) 10PM-11PM: $2.50 Spiced Rum and Coke/Bourbon and Coke, $2.50 Local Pints
MON. 4/22
Check out our awardwinning wine list! Voted best wine list by State College Mag!
Modern Music! Molson Canadian $2.50 Drafts, $7.50 pitchers (All Day) $2 Miller Light drafts/ $6 Pitchers, $1.75 Coors Light bottles Happies 10PM-midnight: Half off all liquor and mixed drinks ($1 extra for Red Bull during happies)
Mellow Mondays! $3 Select Apps & $5 Sandwiches Happy Hour 9:30 - 11:30 $5 Martinis, 1/2 Price Mixed Drinks & Mixed Shots
10-12: $2 Strong Island Iced Teas, $2 Shots (over 100 choices), $3 Colossal Teas, $3 22oz Bacardi drinks in all 13 flavors, $3 Vegas Bombs and all bomb shots, $3 Smirnoff drinks , $4 Smirnoff and Red Bull, $4 Patron shots
$3 Local Pint of the Day (all day) 10PM-11PM: $2.50 Spiced Rum and Coke/Bourbon and Coke, $2.50 Local Pints
TUES. 4/23
5 Consecutive Awards from Wine Spectator - Come Try Some Tonight!
Country Crossover (9PM-2AM), Budweiser $2.50 drafts / $7.50 pitchers (all day) Happies 10PM - midnight: $2.75 Jack Daniels drinks, $2.50 Lynchburg Lemonades, $2.50 Alabama Slammers, $1.50 Miller Lite drafts, $4.50 Miller Lite pitchers, $1.75 Coors Lt. bottles ($2 Dollars extra for red bull during happies)
Featuring Weekly DJ's Happy Hour 9:30 - 11:30 1/2 Price Mixed Drinks & Mixed Shots, $3 Featured Drinks available all day
10-12: $2 Strong Island Iced Teas, $2 Shots (over 100 choices), $3 Colossal Teas, $3 22oz Bacardi drinks in all 13 flavors, $3 Vegas Bombs and all bomb shots, $3 Smirnoff drinks , $4 Smirnoff and Red Bull, $4 Patron shots
$3 Local Pint of the Day (all day) 10PM-11PM: $2.50 Spiced Rum and Coke/Bourbon and Coke, $2.50 Local Pints
WED. 4/24
Happy Hour 10pm-12am: $2.50 Bacardi Flavors, $3 Sam Adams Drafts, 1/2 off Corona and Corona Lite Bottles
The 80's w/DJ (9pm-2am), $3 Sam Adams drafts/$9 pitchers Happies 10PM-midnight: Half price all Liquor and Mixed Drinks, $2 Miller Lite drafts, $6 Miller Lite pitchers, $1.50 Coors Lt. Bottles ($1 extra for Red Bull during happies)
New Exotic Hookahs! Happy Hour 9:30 - 11:30 1/2 Price Mixed Drinks & Mixed Shots, $3 Featured Drinks available all day $12 Hookahs before 9pm
Go Go Gadget and DJ Keigo, $4 Cover 9-close
$3 Local Pint of the Day (all day) 10PM-11PM: $2.50 Spiced Rum and Coke/Bourbon and Coke, $2.50 Local Pints
SPECIAL NIGHT
Happy Hour 10pm-12am: $3 Absolute Bacardi Flavors, $2 Blue Moon Drafts (All Day)
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Froyo: why? TBS staff wrote this Nobody seems to know when it happened. The internet speculates it all started somewhere in New England in the 1970s, but at this point, perhaps finding one cause is like asking a sadomasochist where those bite marks came from, or trying to understand why there is still snow falling from the sky in the middle of April. One guess is as good as another. Whatever the true origins of the elusive frozen treat may be, by the early 21st century one thing has become resoundingly clear: everyone is fucking enchanted by it. Why? What is it about this unremarkable ice cream knock-off that has armies of giggling sorority girls and disillusioned hipsters amassing in swarms to the nearest Kiwi? No one appears to be willing or able to give a straight answer. Asking any woman between the ages of thirteen and twenty-five proves to be unhelpful at best, there being no reliable way to translate their unintelligible gushing that results in proper English. Surveying males has been met with worryingly similar responses. Seriously people. What’s the big deal? It’s yogurt. Frozen. What exactly makes this particular dessert so much more froth-inducing than its more conventional counterpart? They both taste pretty much the same. There’s a notion floating around that FroYo is slightly healthier than say, a bowl of rocky road, but that argument becomes immediately unfounded when you consider people usually use this as an excuse to pile on an extra ounce of the cold cow juice and smother it in a mountain of various chocolate chips, waffle cone crumbles, and Heath bar bits.
That’s more than enough to make up for the initial (and mind you, already relatively small) difference in fat and sugar. Think about that next time you’re “rewarding” yourself for jogging three miles on the treadmill. Kind of defeats the purpose of going to the gym, doesn’t it? How’s about just toughing it out and skipping on the sweets entirely, fatty? Is it the variety of flavors? Because your local Dairy Queen or Coldstone can provide you with an equally wide range of creative ways to experience type 2 diabetes (Oreo Cheesequake, anybody?). And it can’t be the pricing because even a modest bowl of frozen yogurt, given the weight of raspberries you just had to scoop on there, is comparable to that of at least a small Blizzard.
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You know what’s even more baffling? It isn’t even all that filling. When you tear into a hot fudge sundae or a cherry Dilly Bar, at least you can you actually feel the satisfaction of the several hundred unnecessary calories you’ve just chugged into your body. FroYo, though? It’s waif-y. Almost like eating a puffy nimbus cloud’s icy turd. If you’re going to consciously support growing out your love handles, you might as well get as much bang for your buck as possible. Clearly, there is no logical basis to go all nutty over this chilly sensation that’s sweeping the nation. Maybe we all just need to take a step back and see this snack for the boring promise of momentary enjoyment that it is. If not, by all means continue stuffing your face. With any luck, it might just kill you.
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bartender of the week Collin MAD MeX Hometown: Hanover, PA. Do you play any sports: I used to play a lot of soccer when I was younger. Now, I do the rec softball thing on occasion. Hobbies: I love photography. What’s the best thing about working at Mad Mex: Honesty I just like the atmosphere. You see a lot of different types of people come through here. What other bars in State College bars do you like going to: The Brewery is a great bar, I love going there. The Phyrst is great too. Favorite night to work: I like Saturdays a lot. I’d say it’s more my favorite day to work than night. The drinking starts early and it’s much more relaxed. If you were an alcoholic beverage, what
the drinking game:
would you be and why: I’d say I would be a shot of tequila. I’m quick and easy. Kill, Bang, Marry: Scarlett Johansson, Megan Fox, Kate Upton: I’d probably kill Megan, bang Kate and marry Scarlett. Favorite mainstream pop song: Mainstream pop song? I’d have to say it would be “Call My Maybe”! If you weren’t a bartender, what would you want to do, career-wise: I think I would try and be a professional photographer. Favorite musical artist: I love Bon Iver and Frightened Rabbit. What is your idea of good time: Honestly just day-longing with good friends and good company. I really like taking my time instead of going out at eleven and getting hammered for two hours.
recipe for disaster:
Booze Ball
Grilled Cheese Pizza
The only thing better than drinking cold beer and eating a hot dog and peanuts on a nice spring day is watching dudes spit tobacco while playing with their balls—er, baseballs. Don’t just watch the fun. Take this game outside and get drunk. It’s officially booze ball season.
Like when Robb Stark married the Frey girl, securing The Twins for the North, this is an unholy union of two unlike things. Will this work out better or worse than the wedding? Let’s hope it’s better.
What You’ll Need: Four kegs and a Wiffle ball and bat. Number of Players: At least 20. Level of Intoxication: Good luck trying to run the bases after this. How To Play - Split up into two teams. - Set up the kegs in a baseball diamond and have each player on one team stand in the typical baseball positions. - Before any player bats they must chug a half cup of beer. - After chugging, the batter tosses up the Wiffle ball himself and tries to hit it. If he can’t hit a fair ball in three tries, he’s out and must drink for five seconds. - If the player hits a single, he must do a five-second keg stand when he gets to first base. - If the player hits a double, he must do a ten-second keg stand when he gets to second base. - If the player hits a triple, he must chug a beer when he gets to third base. - If the player hits a homerun, he must do a fifteen-second keg stand when he gets to home. - If the player gets thrown out or tagged before he makes it to a base, he must chug half a beer, and he is out. - Once three outs have been made, teams switch sides. - The game continues until nine innings have been completed or a team reaches a predetermined score. The Game Ends When: The kegs run dry or the players are as bad as the Cubs. You suck, Darwin Barney!
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What You Need: 2 slices of bread, 4 ounces of pepper jack cheese, crappy pasta sauce, pepperoni, butter. Cook Time: 10 minutes Fatty Factor: If you can convince yourself to eat less than three, you’ll survive to see morning. Let’s Get Baked: -Place a skillet on a burner set to medium. -Butter one side of each slice of bread. -Layer the other side of one piece of bread with pizza sauce and pepperoni. -Shred the pepper jack cheese on the unbuttered side of the other piece of bread. -Place each piece of bread butter side-down onto the warmed skillet. -2-3 minutes later, place the pepperoni side of one slice onto the cheesy side of the other slice of bread. -Flip the sandwich each minute for 3-4 minutes, or until the cheese is melted. Unlike a potent mixture of sugar, carbs, protein and cheese to help you power through your day. Without it, you’d pass out from hunger, and passing out just isn’t the same as willingly taking a nap.
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Blows up (The camera glides in to focus on the crew, all sitting at the NBA on TNT table. Shaquille O’Neal on the far left, then moving right to Ernie Johnson, Kenny “The Jet” Smith, and finally Charles Barkley. Ernie shuffles paper and looks up into the camera, while the others glance at each other from the corners of their eyes, giggling and taking sips from their mugs.)
Ernie Johnson: Welcome back to the Sprint Halftime Report. I’m Ernie Johnson and with me as always are Shaq, Kenny, and Charles. So if you were watching last week, and we know you weren’t, Charles was having a little bit of fun at LeBron’s expense, talking about his receding hairline and the fact that the headband had been inching backward through the years. And who knows where it will be-Charles: Come on home. Ernie: And basically you were encouraging him to shave, to come on home... Charles: Come on home, shave your head like every other balding black guy. Kenny Smith: (waving at camera) Ay LeBron this ain’t me. This ain’t me LeBron! Ernie: (laughs uneasily) Well, we decided we couldn’t let that go alone, and so we decided to ma-Shaquille O’Neal: ERNIE YOU OFF THE CHAIN!
The NBA playoffs begin April 18th, and we couldn’t be more excited. Two months of professional playoff basketball? Fantastic. But we’re more excited for two months of the NBA on TNT frat house yukkin’ it up and slapping Charles Barkley’s face on obese ladyfolk. Never in sports history has a studio analyst crew gotten away with 30 seconds of analyzing, followed by 20 minutes of grab-assery. However, their hijinks came to a screeching halt one night, while broadcasting a relatively meaningless Hawks-Nets game. TNT pulled the broadcast from the air, but The Black Sheep DVR’d it, and recorded it on paper for you to witness. By: Quinn
Charles Barkley: If he keep denying his hairline is receding it’d be like a dead terrorist denying he ain’t in heaven. Shaq: (pulls tie up in the air to resemble a noose) OOOOOOO! Ernie: (snarkily) Even though we’re in the south I don’t think any racists will be hanging you any time soon, Shaq. Shaq: (stares angrily at Ernie) Kenny: (stares angrily at Ernie) Charles: (stares angrily at Ernie) Ernie: (worryingly looks off-screen at the producer) Kenny: (walking off the set) Yo Ern, let’s talk about basketball. Let’s talk about basketball. Shaq: Look when I drink water like this (takes long drink of water, bulges his eyes at Ernie) it mean that water too hot! Charles: If LeBron’s headband keep moving back further and further, and eventuallyKenny: Not me LeBron! I got no part in this! Charles: Eventually that headband gunna pull his eyes back and he’ll look Asian. Like he got a Mandarin hat on, practicin’ tai chi instead of basketball.
Ernie: Guys, hold on, let’s take it down a notch... Shaq: What Ern, you gonna lynch me? Shaq: (stares angrily at Ernie) Kenny: (off stage) The fuck Ernie? Charles: (stares angrily at Ernie) Kenny: (runs back in impersonating a “jet” with a Jeremy Lin jersey on) Rook at me! I’rm ReBron James! I have tiny penis!
(A photoshopped picture of Charles Barkley and Asian-looking LeBron James kissing in a dojo appears on the screen.) Ernie: (his bowtie spinning) Can we go to commercial! I don’t know what the hell is going on!? Shaq: YO THE ONLY WAY WE CAN STOP THE HEAT IS TO DROP CHARLES AKA A “FAT MAN” MIAMI LOL. (Kenny is off camera, but his mic broadcasts him taking “heavy polls” of Cognac in the green room) Shaq: (putting papers on his head) REBRON JAMES! (Sound guy plays stereotypical Asian chimes)
(A picture of Charles Barkley-looking atomic bomb dropping over Miami appears on screen. The room falls silent. All the panelists look shocked, except Shaq, who is spinning in his chair) Ernie: ... Ok, well, with that we will bring you back to the action. Hawks lead the Nets 51-43.
we interview: a colorado budtender Now that recreational use and sale of marijuana is legal in Colorado, weed dispensaries have been popping up everywhere. All you need to legally grow and sell weed is a measly little piece of paper from the government, it’s that easy! We sat down with one such self made man, “BlaisOne,” who went from regular old, cereal-eatin’, Netflix watchin’, maybe occasionally illegally weed growin’ stoner, to a savvy, suit-wearing, legally growing and selling weed business man. By Quinn The Black Sheep: How did you get involved in this business? What were the stages from having the idea to sitting in the store and making a living? “BlaiseOne” the Budtender: I’ve been close to the business my whole life. I started growing around 13. With the medical legalities popping up I came to Denver about three years ago, and started working for local dispensaries. I can’t say there was much transition from seeing the doors open to where I am now. I guess as of now most of us are kind of in limbo, just waiting for recreational to take over. It will take the ceiling off all our businesses and allow us to operate like everyone else. TBS: If you own the business, do you recruit new workers? And what do you look for in an applicant? BlaiseOne: I don’t own it. Don’t really want to yet either. We hire from within, either good friends or quality patients. We look for a true enthusiasm in the industry, as long as you have the ability to learn and as long as you’re enthusiastic about it. TBS: What’s the most-untrue stereotype of a budtender? BlaiseOne: Contrary to what most people think, most of the time we are not medicated when at work. TBS: In light of recent marijuana legalization in other states, do you think it will take long for the rest of the country to follow suit? What is your opinion on current legalization laws? BlaiseOne: I think it will be many years before the federal government overturns this one. There’s too much money in the pharmaceutical companies. Plain and simple. Oh, and god forbid we make some gasoline out of hemp... Fuck our government. TBS: Does your business cook the edibles in house, or do you buy them from a bakery? And how does a marijuana bakery start up? BlaiseOne: To start up you have to have a MIP (Marijuana Infused Product) License. And a certified health inspected kitchen. We used to make our own (and they were ridiculous) but started outsourcing after they made the kitchen law. We didn’t have the means to open a real kitchen for it, so we sold the license. TBS: Do you sell the marijuana directly to customers? If so, have you ever refused to sell to someone? BlaiseOne: I personally do not – I only grow. But we refuse sale to anyone we think is reselling. TBS: Do you get any "employee benefits"? BlaiseOne: Well let’s just say everything from seed to sale is on 24hr cameras monitored by the state, so not in the way you’re thinking. And technically you cant have/give for free. So let’s just say when I purchase anything for myself from the storefront it usually only costs a penny. TBS: Are you worried about the DEA/FBI because Marijuana is illegal under federal law? How does that legal grey area work? BlaiseOne: I am not. We are currently within our legal number of plants within the state of Colorado, and are compliant on everything we do. I don’t think the feds have any interest in us. TBS: Are there routine inspections of your crop? BlaiseOne: No. TBS: What do you net from an average plant? What are the expenses you have to take care of? BlaiseOne: Average plant nets 6 oz. worth about $1200. We currently pay out about 50,000 a month in expenses. Rent, payroll, electric, soil, nutrients, bug spray, etc. TBS: How does the marijuana community decide on names for new strains? Is there any sort of advisory board or do people just smoke it and come up with something? BlaiseOne: There is an actual Swiss seed bank, and to get a phenotype listed and named you have to provide something like 500 stable seeds and some other stuff. But I doubt anyone does that. Some of the older strains have made a good name for themselves, and the newer names are usually growers crossing strains and making up new names. TBS: Funniest/weirdest name of a product? BlaiseOne: Earwax. TBS: How does the cost of legal marijuana compare to buying it illegally? BlaiseOne: Depends on your state, but equal or cheaper. TBS: Have you ever had a problem with people trying to break onto your property and steal your crops? BlaiseOne: Our dumpster gets broken into once a month. Which is silly, like we would throw the good stuff away... Other than that everything has been cool. TBS: What's the worst part, and the best part, of your day to day workings? BlaiseOne: Worst part is moving thousands of pounds of soil up to the second floor, then back down when it’s used. Growing dope shouldn’t have to be this physical. TBS: Do you have a getting high "routine"? BlaiseOne: I only vape now. O-Pen Vape is the way of the future. If you’re still smoking weed you need to get with the times. TBS: What's your perfect sandwich? BlaiseOne: Cheeseburger with a fried egg and French fries on it. Bam!
the big three
entertainment-y things to keep your eye out for.
The Lords of Salem Opening April 19th
The residents of a creepy apartment complex in Salem, Massachusetts are visited by a 300-year-old coven of witches. The dreadedblonde who is certain her neighbor's apartment is haunted might just be tweaking, but you can't deny the negative vibes she feels coming from Apartment 5. Written and directed by Rob Zombie, this film will at least give us the willies.
Pain & Gain Opening April 19th
A trio of bodybuilders in Florida get caught up in an extortion and kidnapping scheme that goes terribly wrong. Really, when do any of those things go right? Based on a true story, Pain & Gain stars Mark Wahlberg and Dwayne "Can You Smell What the Rock is Cooking?" Johnson, as well as some cute comedic relief from Rob Corddry and Rebel Wilson.
Phoenix - Bankrupt! Out April 23rd
This French alternative rock band that scored mainstream recognition with their hit 2009 album Wolfgang Amadeus Phoenix, are back with their fifth studio album. Fans of their past work might be taken aback by the sounds of Bankrupt!, which the band says is something more experimental than before. Check out their first single "Entertainment" (which still sounds pretty poppy to us).
page 14
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The "how high?" flowchart
the wordsearch: Stoner lingo Baked Blazed Blunts Bong Chronic Ganja Grass Fatty Hash Heady Joint
Munchies Pothead Roach Schwag Skunk Shake Spliff Stoned Tree Vaporizer Weed
Meet The Staff campus manager
PR Manager Olivia Sloan
Advertising ManagerS David Porter Callanan, Olivia Sloan, Manisha Yarlagadda
pr team Briana Meme, Jenna Seco
Writers Celeste Beckman, David Porter Callanan, Devin Cox, Kayla Danielle Driscoll, Adam Cochrane Sammy Mancuso, Ben Morse, Evan Witmer
campus director Quinn Myers
distribution manager David Porter Callanan
Founders Atish Doshi, Brendan Bonham, Heather Jo Erickson, Jimmy DeBlasio, Jessica Sommers, Quinn Myers
David Porter Callanan
photographer You? You!
Disclaimer The Black Sheep in no way promotes, encourages or supports binge drinking, and/or under-age drinking. This newspaper is designed for entertainment purposes only and does not recommend attempting anything printed in this publication. Please drink...responsibly and legally.
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Madlib
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What started out as a ___1___ ___2___ quickly turned into the weirdest day since Saturday at ___3___, when Jonah took all that/those ___4___ and found some girl in ___5___ furry boots to give him a ___6___ massage and then rode her around like a ___7___ until the sun came up. Anyway, Jonah and I went out frolfing at noon with a 6-pack of ___8___ and a bit of ___9___, I had my iPod blasting some ___10___ and we were having the time of our lives. We got to hole nine, but it wasn’t the same hole nine we’ve played since we were freshman. We squinted our already squinty eyes and saw a ___11___ wearing a ___12___and holding a glass of ___13___, gesturing for us to come closer. When we froze, he started coming closer. “Hi there,” the creature cackled, not unlike that fat chick from ___14___ who’s legit stalking me. “Why don’t we jump into my… tunnel?” Suddenly a tunnel full of ___15___-smoke and ___16___-colored confetti appeared. “A tunnel? That’s the best you could think of?” said Jonah, that ___17___. The creature was suddenly sitting on our shoulders between us. He handed us his drink, and we drank. The next thing we knew, we were dancing to ___18___ and grinding on girls wearing ___19___, but they were so sexy. We were smiling like ___20___ was giving us ___21___ and dancing our asses off.
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When we came to, Jonah was poking me on the shoulder and I stopped dancing for the first time in who knows how long. We were on hole nine, with a rather large crowd of ___22___ watching. “Dude, what the hell just happened! I think that weird thing slipped us some ___23___ and we just tripped out for hours!”
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“Bunch of ___24___, it’s only 12:30!” someone shouted, as we stepped aside to let everyone play and to drink some of our beer.
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“We’re going to have to get some more of that ___25___,” said Jonah, and we cheersed.
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