The Black Sheep
fr e ra e... nd lik om e f ta ood ilg a at nd et b hi eer sw f ee rom ke nd a !
• a college newspaper that’s actually about college •
Volume 1, Issue 6 • 4/18/13 - 4/24/13
theblacksheeponline.com @BlackSheep_PSU
PSUTXT Becomes Private Enterprise Adam Cochrane wrote this Today, in a startling announcement at a Penn State news conference, the school’s administration is moving forward with plans to make their PSUTXT system, a system once used to inform students about on-campus emergencies, into an advertiser-sponsored messaging system. “Today we are proud to announce that our PSUTXT messaging system will now be funded by outside investors,” said Lisa Powers, Director of Public Information. “Sure, our system will continue to inform of tornados, gunmen and volcano eruptions, but now our system will also inform let them know urgent emergencies such as half-off baby-back ribs at Chili's!” Many advertisers are expected to buy into this new direct marketing scheme, however, some parents and students are highly skeptical of the move. Thankfully, Penn State says that this new system will help fund “necessary expenditures.” “Are you aware of how many pens are lost on a given day just in my office?” asked Powers angrily during the news conference. “There are just not enough pens around for important Penn State business, so it is imperative that we have the resources to ensure that everyone gets a writing utensil. I mean this is better than raising tuition again, right?” Many potential advertisers from businesses, political organizations, and alumni donation collectors are looking to blow a load of hot cash into the newly privatized texting system that reaches nearly 20,000 students and parents. “Let’s not forget, this is all for the safety of the students,” said Wayne LaPierre, Vice President of the National Rifle Association. “Now, when there’s a guy with a gun on campus we can properly alert all the students to gather up their hidden firearms and go mow down that psychopath!” The National Rifle Association was the first to purchase advertising space on the new PSU TXT system. LaPierre is looking forward to promoting safety and reporting emergencies to the students that subscribe to the system. One such PSUTXT sponsored by the NRA states “Good guys assemble! Psychopath with knife spotted north on campus, show that sucker some vigilante justice Batman style, holla at your bro LaPierre.” Many other businesses however, plan to use the system for more somber texts. “Mystery box found at forum building! Speaking of mystery, discover what’s cooking in our fishy McBites only at McDonalds,” according to one McDonalds’ text alert.
Angry Flyers Fan Angry About the Flyers
“Rabid dog makes his way onto campus and this would be a good reminder to get your pet spayed or neutered,” read one PSUTXT sent out by Spay USA.
“Oh god am I going to shower with those hot inky pens,” Lisa Powers cried out in a fit of ecstasy. She is not the only one excited about this new move.
“Fire alarm at Fidley Commons, but it’s not as hot as the new grilled-fired chili peppers steak at T.G.I Friday’s!” read another.
“More money, more bitches,” wrote President Rodney Erickson in an email. “Seems like someone is getting balls deep in some hot stripper ass tonight! I’m just so surprised my homeboy triple OG brother from another mother Graham Spam never thought about doing this. Guess that’s why they showed that sucker the door.”
“Meteor strike imminent, smoke em’ if you got them -- Marb Reds, two dollars off at all BP gas stations!” read another PSUTXT sponsored by Marlboro cigarettes. It goes without saying, advertisers will take full advantage of this new system. But it is also clear that this shift will generate plenty of revenue for Penn State.
what'’s inside
What do you think of the privatization of PSUTXT? Feel free to respond to the PSUTXT The Black Sheep dropped $800 on, “PENIS PENIS BONER BONER BONER #KONY2012 pick up our paper in your butthole. @BlackSheep_PSU!!!”
My Four Years: A Bro’s Reflection
Top Ten Things You Freshman Should Have Learned this year
Why the “City of Brotherly Love” actually hates everything and everyone.
Chad looks back on his four years and regrets nothing, even though he really learned nothing in class.
This list is way more important than any class you will ever take.
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