PURDUE FALL ISSUE 1

The Black Sheep

from FREE hom ! Like e be all t fore he b you ooze hea you ded sto to c le am pus ...

Fall 2015

The College Newspaper That's Actually About College

Issue 1

THE ULTIMATE FRESHMEN CHECKLIST HOW TO: FAKE AN EPIC SUMMER TO YOUR FRIENDS JAKE’S BARTENDER OF THE MONTH

INSIDE

INSIDE

, K C A B E M O C L E W !

S R E K A M R E BOIL

MEET THE STAFF CHIEF CAMPUS EDITOR Katy Martin ADVERTISING MANAGER Kaitlyn Reeves

CAMPUS DIRECTOR Brendan Bonham OWNER Atish Doshi

WRITERS Mallory Bilski Katy Martin

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Welcome to Page Three! You are about to have more fun than a freshman at a frat party. Tweet us your answers, or send them to page3@theblacksheeponline.com. If you’re right, you’ll win a prize!

PAGE THREE THE BLACK SHEEP’S LEGENDARY

WORD OF THE WEEK

WHAT MOVIE IS THIS SCENE FROM?

The image below depicts an iconic scene from an iconic movie. What movie is it? If you think you know the answer, email Page3@theblacksheeponline.com . If you’re right, we’ll mail you a prize!

CORKSCREWED An occurrence in which the wine cork breaks in the neck of the wine bottle.

“After it broke, I can’t get the cork to go in the bottle or come out. I’m totally corkscrewed.”

WHICH 1-HIT WONDER IS THIS? Hey, look, it’s that guy who sang that song! What’s his name? Well, we know, do you? If you know the name of the 1-hit wonder from the 2000s pictured below, email us the correct answer at Page3@theblacksheeponline.com . If you’re right, maybe we’ll send you a CD we have laying around our office.

VIDEO GAME CHARACTERS:

2 TRUTHS AND A LIE Can you spot the lie these video game icons are telling you? Think you know the answer, email Page3@theblacksheeponline.com with your answer. We’ll send you that Duck Hunt dog’s head in a box.

I’ve also been known as “Jumpman” and “Mr. Video.”

Me and Princess Peach have never kissed in a video game.

I guest refereed in Mike Tyson’s Punch-Out!!

FOLLOW US ON TWITTER FOR ALL THE ANSWERS!

The Horoscope: Your Sign as a Potato

Have you ever wondered what form of potato coincides with your astrological sign? Yes? Well then today’s your lucky day, because The Black Sheep has created a potato-themed horoscope for your week! You can thank us later.

ARIES — SMILEY-FACE FRIES: Aries has an affinity for all things 90s and 00s, and has probably never missed a Tuesday night out. They are just the right level of crispy, and are really fun at parties. Keep your eyes (and potatoes) peeled for a love interest coming your way this week.

TAURUS — THE MASHED POTATO: A Taurus wears many hats - butter, chives, bacon bits, you name it.

Their classic nature makes them consistently successful, and a good pairing for most other foods. Err...people. Pay especially close attention to detail on the 28th, and remember the old saying: measure twice, mash once.

GEMINI — THAT ONE CURLY FRY IN YOUR REGULAR FRIES: Aka probably the best potato-related thing that can happen to you.

You are full of unexpected surprises and never fail to make others smile. Their unique nature makes them stand apart from the crowd.

Keep on the lookout for a price drop in that thing you’ve had your eye on around the 30th.

CANCER — CHEESY POTATOES: This person is a main course masquerading as a side dish. They’re a little off the beaten path, and take longer to warm up, but in the end, they’re completely worth it. The kind of cheese depends on the person, but usually they tend to stick with the classics. Get ready to dazzle your friends at a barbeque around the 29th.

LEO — WAFFLE FRIES: The perfect pair to almost any meal, the Leo is as friendly as they come. Others get excited when they hear a Leo is coming to their dinner party, and some may cancel plans just to go. Leos are especially great with little kids, but are loved by people of all ages. Keep an eye out for a hot chick(en) on the 4th.

VIRGO — THE SWEET POTATO: The name says it all. The sweet nature and mild flavor of a Virgo instantly attracts everyone around them, but some are more attracted than others. Virgos are also the least salty out of all the signs, literally and figuratively. Get ready for a big opportunity coming your way on the 1st.

LIBRA — MCDONALD’S FRIES: The scales of the Libra are perfectly balanced between salty and soft.

They strike harmony in the golden brown outside and squishy inside.

Make sure they aren’t salty, and they’ll be much warmer. Have lunch with a close friend on the 29th, they’ll want to ketchup with you.

SCORPIO — ROASTED POTATOES: Probably the closest a potato can get to being “badass,” like Scorpios are known to be. They’re lean, they’re mean, and they go great with a side of steak. A Scorpio should be on the lookout for a big change coming sometime this week - and accept it cause it’s awesome.

SAGITTARIUS — HASH BROWNS: You either love a Sagittarius, or you hate them. They’re kinda stringy and crispy...and to be honest, the word Sagittarius just reminded me of spaghetti squash and that’s the only reason why they’re hash browns. Look for a healthy dinner alternative on the 29th.

CAPRICORN — HOME FRIES: A classic form of potato and a funny nickname for your friends all rolled into one. Capricorns are notorious for being the unsung hero.

They are the backbone of many things, yet are often overlooked.

Prepare to shine in the spotlight on the 2nd this week.

AQUARIUS — POTATO CAKES: Hearty and filling, the Aquarius is usually a lot to handle all at once.

Your bold flavor and easy recipe draw similar people towards you.

Usually Irish people. Prepare for good news around the 3rd.

PISCES – CHIPS: What goes together better than fish and chips? And yes, we mean fries, not actual chips. Pisces are a little exotic, but still a classic at the same time. Not one to be messed with, Pisces stick around for good.

Expect a visit from a far away friend around the 4th.

JULIE wrote this

a ladies’ guide to living situations (lessons yo mama didn’t teach you...)

HOW TO: ASSERT DOMINANCE OVER YOUR ROOMMATE

5 DISCREET WAYS TO TELL YOUR MAN YOU’RE TAKING A GIANT POOP

College is a time to reinvent yourself, to turn the person you were in high school to the person your future self will regret being. No matter who you were in high school, there’s one person everyone wants to be in college: the top dorm dog. That’s right, we’re talking the alpha roommate. The alpha roommate is the cool roommate, the roommate in charge, the roommate who calls all the shots and takes shit from nobody. Most importantly, the alpha roommate is not the beta roommate, the submissive roommate, the roommate who only calls their mother and takes shit from everybody, especially their mother. It’s decision time; which one will you be? There can only be one alpha, and here’s how to make sure it’s you. - Molly wrote this

For us ladies, some things are uncomfortable to talk about with your man, especially when you two are first getting to know each other. Perhaps the most essential and unavoidable topic is pooping. Yes, even classy ladies fart and poop. But it’s okay, because The Black Sheep’s here to help deal will this issue. By following these 5 easy steps, this embarrassing topic will be easy to handle and become a great test of your relationship! - Amanda wrote this

Ask your roommate what their door keycode is and then secretly switch keys: This move says “You only live here because I allow you to live here.” It may seem like a fun little accident at first, but they’ll soon realize they have a door to go through before they can get through their room door, and that first door is you.

Organize a hall hangout and tell everyone that your roommate rudely blew off your invitation, even though you never invited them in the first place: There’s power in numbers, so make sure the numbers are on your side. Everyone in your hall will inevitably pick favorites, so you need to make sure you’re the chosen one. Your roommate won’t be able to defend themselves from taking the blame for every horrific shit taken in the hall bathrooms because they won’t be there when you start that rumor. Is your hall a safe, welcoming place for your roommate? Absolutely! But only because you let it be, for now.

Do everything you possibly can in your room: Homework, calisthenics, your next door neighbor, etc… Your roommate needs to know that this is your space, not theirs. The more time you spend in there, the better, and the more impractical ways you spend your time in there, the best. Anyone else would find the gym a better place to go swimming, but you’ll take nothing less than a kiddy pool in the middle of your dorm. Keep the music down because your roommate’s trying to sleep? More like coordinate your sleeping habits to adhere to my 5 a.m. music time habits.

Buy a lounge chair, position it in front of the door, and wait in the darkness: This will seem creepy at first, but eventually they’ll get used to it. They’ll even learn to expect it, which will work to your benefit. Next time they’re considering bringing home a random conquest and forcing you into sexile, they’ll have to first consider if they want to risk bringing the ultimate cockblock into play. You know what scares away random hookups? Roommates who sit in the darkness for who knows how long, waiting for you to come home.

Let them know you had a previously arranged roommate that backed out at the last minute (even if you didn’t): This one’s to make sure they know who’s the reacher (them) and the settler (you). You had other, more preferable options that unfortunately didn’t work out in the end. Nonetheless, if they had, you would have chosen said original roommate over your now current roommate in a heartbeat. You’re the roommate prize, and they need to know you’ll expect certain behavior if they want to keep the luxury of living with you.

Nothing takes away confidence like knowing you’re someone’s second choice, and you know who lacks confidence? Beta roommates.

So you’re now equipped to sociopathically manipulate the living daylights out of your brand new living buddy, but why stop there? Manipulate your classmates, manipulate your professor, try out arson for a while and see if it’s for you! Sociopathy is a winding adventurous road; how far will you take it?

5.) Everyone Poops: Just man up and say you’re taking a shit, because if he doesn’t like it you should dump his ass anyway. If you’re new to the relationship or a bit timid, give him the book entitled Everyone Poops, or play the YouTube version of Morgan Freeman reading it. Let’s be honest, no human can resist Morgan Freeman’s sweet, sultry voice.

4.) Before you lay the wood, I’ve gotta lay mine: Sexual innuendos are perhaps the best way to un-awkwardify a situation. We’re all dirty, filthy people on the inside and our love for sex is one thing everyone has in common. If you say this line, preferably before morning sex, it is a guarantee that your man will at least crack a smile and maybe even not completely understand what it means. The end result will benefit you both.

3.) Selfies: Tell your man you’re going to the bathroom to keep all your various social media accounts presh. Everyone knows that bathrooms have the best lighting anyway—where else does the light perfectly fall upon your cheek bones?! On a side note, if you end up taking a while, he’ll understand your need to bless your followers on #SelfieSunday.

2.) Write It Out: Another fine possibility is to spell out “I’m pooping” on the bed with books or roses, because at the end of the day you’re a lady and dammit you’re romantic. Or leave anonymous Post-it notes around the house that lead him directly to you. These Post-it notes can say anything you’re feeling. Topics include but are not limited to: “I’m dropping the kids off at the pool,”“taking a deposit to the bank,”“defecating,” and “filling the peanut butter jar.” He’ll love playing this fun little game while enhancing his vocabulary!

1.) Music: Ahhh, sweet song lyrics have always best summed up and described life’s most awkward, painful, saddest and funniest moments. There is no better way than to sing, “Let Me Poop” to the tune of Disney’s infamous Frozen. If you don’t like Frozen, you can always come up with a rap, preferably while you’re on the toilet, leaving him impressed. There’s no doubt he’s going to want to wife you up after that.

By following one or all of these ways to secretly tell your man you’re taking the Browns to the Super Bowl, you’ll not only breakthrough that awkward barrier of poop and non-poop talk, but who knows where your relationship could go from here. The first step in all successful relationships is to be comfortable with and around pooping and farting. So congratulations, because we all know couples that talk about poop, stay together.

ACCEPTING LEASES FOR FALL 2015

NOW UNDER NEW MANAGEMENT!

BARTENDER OF THE MONTH

CHASE O. AT JAKE’S ROADHOUSE

Relationship Status: It’s complicated Favorite Drink: Jameson Favorite Shot: Jameson Disgusting Drink: Again, Jameson.

What’s going to be all the drinkin’ rage this school year?: Probably something stupid, like vodka, water and lime.

Where’s the best place for a sneaky makeout sesh in Jake’s?: The keg cooler.

What’s the best thing that happened to you this summer?: The keg cooler!

What’s something you wish someone told you when you were a freshman?: That there’s a keg cooler in Jake’s!

Which 2 swear words are best put together?: I know it isn’t 2 swear words, but I like “cunt punch” lot.

What is the laziest way to avoid the freshman 15?: Drink, don’t eat.

What is the spirit animal of your most sexual fantasy?: Alf! Why should people read The Black Sheep?: It’s the best newspaper on campus!

HOW TO TRICK YOUR FELLOW BOILERMAKERS INTO THINKING YOU HAD AN EPIC SUMMER Mallory Bilski wrote this School is back, and it seems like everyone was traveling through Barcelona or cliff diving in Greece. Except you, of course. You spent the summer catching up on Orange is the New Black and feeling envious of everyone else’s adventures. Well brush those chip crumbs off your Snuggie® and get off the couch—The Black Sheep is here to help you make it sound like your summer was amazing.

1.) Get Emotional: Act stuff out. You need to sell the experience. That boring night out with the work friend you kind of know turns into an epic bar crawl across (insert city you may or may not have actually visited) where you got a bunch of phone numbers and had the bartender teach you how to make a drink that caught on fire! Mention how that night gave you new insight into the bar scene, and how you’re too good for Where Else and the Cactus now (even though you’ll undoubtedly still go).

2.) Be Vague: If you lose track of a story or can’t think of anything cool to say, just look off into the distance, shake your head and keep repeating, “You just had to be there.” Your friends will wonder what was so outrageous about that night that left you unable to find the words to describe what happened. This will also motivate your crew to be a lot more daring and adventurous in order to share a similar experience with you this year. Weekends will consist of way more than bar hopping or strolling through the Acres. Win-win.

3.) Place Strategic Pictures on Social Media: Take pictures at crowded places, bars or concerts (whether you actually spent time there or not). Don’t forget to make your Snapchat stories super-long—at least 100 seconds of roughly the same footage. They’ll tap right through all of it, but it’ll give them the idea that you must have spent hours doing that super-fun thing if it led to such a long Snap story. Don’t forget to post random status updates and tweets that talk about how awesome your night was, but remain really vague with the use of random emojis. Top it all off with a “Sad to see summer leave, but ready to be back at the best university in the world! #boilerup” so your friends know you didn’t forget about them.

4.) Pick Up a Hobby: Try knitting, playing an instrument, or testing out your culinary expertise (after your extensive hours of research, aka binge-watching Chopped on Food Network). Even throw out that you’re training for the Boiler Mini Marathon or lawn mower racing. You could even learn a few things about cocktails and mixology so you impress all your friends with your drink order next time you all gather at Harry’s (imagine how sophisticated they’ll think you are when you order a Manhattan or a French 75). Although, don’t be surprised when the Brother’s doesn’t have the liquor for drinks like this. Your friends will be impressed regardless.

While your classmate is prattling on and on about how a summer in London changed their life, you can have something other than drinking alcohol alone in your apartment or how many townies you met at Cactus on Friday nights to talk about. Even if it didn’t happen.

MEXICAN GRILL & BAR

Bar Open Late Every Night!

Catering Now Available!

DAILY FOOD & DRINK SPECIALS!

EXICAN GRILL & BAR THE BAR GRID

Everyday: $1 Bud Light $1 Shocktop

TUESDAY: $13 Sangria Pitcher, $3.75 Well Drinks 5 for $15 Blue Moon and Red Stripe Buckets

NFL Sunday $2 Domestic Bottles $15 Pitcher & Pie (Domestic) $6.50 Pitcher Refills $17 Tito’s Pitcher & Pie $10.50 Tito’s Pitcher Refills

FRIDAY: $2 24oz Bud & Bud Light Drafts, $3 Fireball Fridays, $3 Titos, $4 Jack Daniels Brands

$10.99 Steak Night! $1 Bud Light $1 Shocktop

5 for $15 312 and Sam Adams Buckets $13 Margaritas & Mojito Pitchers $2.50 Well Tequila Shots $5 Long Islands

NFL Free Hotdogs, Popcorn & Peanuts! $4.25 Blackout Bowls $3.75 32oz. Miller Lite/Coors Light Mini Pitchers $4.75 32oz. Blue Moon/Leinenkugel Mini Pitchers

Return of the $3 32oz Smirnoff, plus $1 Coors Light, $2 Wells & $3.75 Long Island IN YOUR MUGS!

$1 Bud Light $1 Shocktop

$5 Double Wells, $3.50 Well Shots $4 Bombs, $14 Well Pitchers 5 for $12 Miller Lite and Coors Light, 5 for $17 Heineken Bucket

Free Hotdogs, Popcorn and Peanuts! $3.75 Captain Morgan $3.25 Bud/Bud Lt. 24oz. drafts $4.25 Goose Is. 312 24oz. Drafts $3 360 Vodka Shots

$2 24oz Bud & Bud Light Drafts, $3 Fireball Fridays, $3 Titos, $4 Jack Daniels Brands

$1 Bud Light $1 Shocktop

$5 Long Islands, $3.50 Well Shots, $4 Bombs, $14 Well Pitchers, 5 for $12 Miller Lite and Coors Light, 5 for $17 Corona Bucket

$10.99 Steak Night! $1 Bud Light $1 Shocktop

60 cent Wings $4.25 Double Wells, $4.25 Margaritas and Mojitos 5 for $12 Miller Lite, Bud Light, Coors Light Bucket

NFL Sunday $2 Domestic Bottles $15 Pitcher & Pie (Domestic) $6.50 Pitcher Refills $17 Tito’s Pitcher & Pie $10.50 Tito’s Pitcher Refills

Hours of Operation Thursday through Saturday 8pm to 3am.

Bruce in Piano Bar @9pm each night!

MON.

$1 Bud Light $1 Shocktop

60 cent Wings $4.25 Double Wells 5 for $12 Miller Lite, Bud Light, Coors Light Bucket

Team Trivia + NFL Monday $1.50 Bud/Bud Lite Bottles $3.75 22oz. Double Wells $5 22 oz. Red Bull Mixers $15 Pitcher & Pie (Domestic) $6.50 Pitcher Refills, $17 Tito’s Pitcher & Pie, $10.50 Tito’s Pitcher Refills

Now Hiring: Doormen, Coatcheck/ Cashier. Apply in person @ Cactus Wednesdays 10a-2pm, or call 765743-6505 for more info

TUES.

$1 Bud Light $1 Shocktop $2.50 off a $5+ order! (mention Black Sheep, 1 per person per day)

$13 Sangria Pitcher, $3.75 Well Drinks 5 for $15 Blue Moon and Red Stripe Buckets

Euchre - 9p.m. $2.25 Domestic Pints $3.25 All Craft Pints $7.50 32oz. Captain Morgan Mini Pitchers $3 Cannon Blast Shots

Check out our website www. neoncactus.biz for weekly special events & information.

$1 Bud Light $1 Shocktop

5 for $15 Angry Orchard and Sierra Nevada Buckets $4.50 Daiquiris & Pina Coladas, $14 Well Pitchers

Team Trivia - 9:30p.m. $2.25 Wells $1.50 Miller Lite bottles $4.75 Double Fuzzy’s Vodka Mixer, $10.25 Bell’s Pitchers $3.75 Jack Fire Shots

Follow us on Twitter @ theNeonCactus for special events or to win reserved tables/no wait in line access!

SPECIAL NIGHT THURS. FRI. SAT. SUN.

WED.

College Football + Brex Club

Free Hotdogs, Popcorn and Peanuts!

-$4.25 Jack Daniels Doubles $3.25 24oz. Miller Lt/Coors Lt. Drafts $4.25 24oz. Blue Moon Drafts -$5.25 Tito’s Vodka Doubles $3 Jager Shots

$10 Buckets Miller Lite/Coors Light Bottles, $15 100oz Miller Lite/Coors Light Beer Tubes. $3.50 Smirnoff & Captain Morgan, $4 Jack Daniels brands

NOW LEASING FOR FALL 2015 NO DEPOSIT OR FEES! LIMITED TIME OFFER

Don’t Miss These Amazing Specials!

NEW PRICES: Our 4 bedrooms are now starting at $699!

Sign a 12 month lease for a 4x4 and receive a $150 gift card!

Limited Availability & Certain Restrictions Apply

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READ MORE ONLINE THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM

ON THE STREETS

WHAT WOULD YOU DO FOR A 4.0?

LAUREN, SENIOR

“Feed Bosco Sticks to State Street Steve.”

FRESHMAN CHECKLIST: WHAT YOU’LL NEED FOR A SUCCESSFUL START AT PURDUE Katy Martin wrote this

Your first year at Purdue can be daunting and intimidating, but have no fear! The Black Sheep is here to provide you with this easy checklist of everything you’ll need to buy or do to start the school year off with a bang! So follow this list to the letter and you’ll never get made fun of.

BETH, SENIOR

“Stick my hand up a cow’s ass, literally.”

WHAT TO BUY: » Textbooks Save yourself the stress and get your books before classes even start! You’ll definitely need every single book the professor has listed on the syllabus. Yeah, textbooks are kind of expensive, but how can you price the cost of knowledge, given you’ll learn from reading that ENTIRE book? » Binders You’ll definitely need a separate binder for every single class. Immediately put all handouts and returned papers from each class in its respective section of each binder. This OCD habit will definitely last the entire semester, and you’ll never hurt your back from lugging around all those binders in your backpack every day. » Food Not just any food, healthy food! Just remember you can’t buy anything that requires a toaster. And you can’t buy a lot of frozen things because either your mini-fridge doesn’t have a freezer, or the freezer is so microscopic that the only thing you could fit in there is a fifth of vodka (maybe). Not that you’d even bother buying anyway because having alcohol in the dorm room is against the rules.

WHAT TO DO: » Get to Class Early Got a 9:30 class? Make sure you wake up at 6:00 to give yourself plenty of time to get ready. Put together your best outfit, make yourself look presentable, and get there ahead of time. Professors love this! They’re totally getting there early too, not walking in five minutes after class was supposed to start. Only students with a lack of drive wake up ten minutes before class and show up fifteen minutes late in last night’s party outfit. » Wear Your Lanyard During BGR, you will have received a colorful lanyard that represents a) what dorm you’re in and b) the floor/wing of your room. These lanyards are SUPER helpful when you feel like you’re lost on campus and need someone to point you back home. Wear your lanyard loud and proud—it’s a great way to keep track of your keys and nobody will be able to tell that you’re an innocent freshman. » Go to Bed at a Reasonable Hour The college triangle is a very real thing—you have to choose two of the follow: school, sleep, and social life. Well, you’re going to Purdue to get a degree, so obviously you have to pick school. And sleep is important for a healthy body (since you’re absolutely committed to staying healthy by following the advice about food earlier in this article). So forgo the social life and try to go to bed around 9:00 every night.

A senior at Purdue would tell you for sure that these guidelines will definitely lead to a successful freshman year. Adjusting to college will be easy when you’ve got The Black Sheep on your side!

10

DERICK, SENIOR

“Throw my fiancé in the Wabash River.”

BOOZE REVIEW Ménage à Trois Berry Vodka Grade: B+

Staff wrote this

After many a horrid experience back when it was the go-to drink simply for being “cheap as shit,” we’ve done a pretty decent job of blocking the hideous fragrances and collective aftertastes of devil’s brews like Burnett’s and Pinnacle. But sometimes, there comes a moment in a man’s life where he just needs, well, a girl’s night. Aptly labeled and named, Ménage à Trois Berry Vodka looks exactly like the sort of juice a red winetoting trophy wife would pour herself several glasses of. Except it’s, you know, vodka.

Smells Like: Berries, but more specifically, the non-specifically vague ones that have to exist in the world of triple distillation.

Tastes Like: Exactly what berry-flavored vodkas should have been tasting like since your first misguided puke caused by them. Ménage à Trois lives up to its French namesake in that it actually earns its French namesake. Not sure about the prospective threesome, though.

Typical Drinkers: - Hardcore grandmas wanting to enjoy Golden Girls with something other than prune juice and insulin.

- The girl in the group who reluctantly accepts an invitation to a “cheap wine girl’s night.”

- A horny desperado who thinks that maybe, just maybe, this will be the night where a liquor’s name doesn’t fail him.

- The “Ha! Enjoy your less than $20 vodka, peasant” vodka connoisseur.

User Comments: - “It… it doesn’t burn… SWEET BABY JESUS, IT DOESN’T BURN!” - “Y’all wanna watch Sex and the City followed

by Predator 2 later on?”

- “Wow, this is so good that I can probably take it strai- UGH, no, never mind.”

- “I can’t believe those two girls slapped me in the face simultaneously. Thanks, Ménage à Trois…”

You’ll Like This if You Like: Coming back to your old, alcohol-based squeeze’s loving embrace, even if it did leave you alone and crying on several nights.

Best Described as the Last Ballsy Line of Defense You’ll Use on a Crush: “Ménage à Trois? Pourquoi, oui, mon chéri.”

What Your Grandma Would Say if She Saw You Drinking This: “Oh, Jesus, sweetheart.

Thank God you came through. This family party fucking blows.”

Common Food Pairing Suggestions: Strawberry lollipops, bonbons, assorted dark chocolate truffles, perfume.

We Mixed With: Coke, Diet Coke, the Tears of Sexually Frustrated Men

THE DRINKING GAME

RECIPE FOR DISASTER

FRESHMAN 15 SHOTS

FIRST DAY ON YOUR OWN CASSEROLE

With school starting up again, it’s important to get focused but even more important to focus on getting your tolerance back to an acceptable level. This game is sure to give your liver a warm welcome back to campus.

Mommy and Daddy drop you off at school and hightail it outta there before you can change your mind, now what do you do? Forget the ramen, you can make something just like grandma used to make—after she became old and senile and tried feeding you raccoon for Thanksgiving.

What You’ll Need: A good ol’ handle of Burnett’s, a flask, and plenty of perseverance.

Number of Players: You and all your closest friends who you haven’t seen all summer.

What You’ll Need: A casserole dish, (Who are we kidding? You’re not Martha Stewart) or some sort of pot—the baking kind. No, no, the kind you put in the oven. Also, whatever food you can scrounge up for free during Syllabus Week. Probably Papa John’s and whatever else. We used two slices of pizza and a box of fried rice a hobo generously offered us.

Level of Intoxication: You’ll be missing class the next day because of the hangover.

Fatty Factor: 1000% of your daily-recommended value.

How to Play: - Take a shot for all the ambulances you hear called on the freshmen that can’t hang.

- For every icebreaker in your classes, take a shot.

- Every time you step around puke on the sidewalk, drink to that.

- When you see the herds of students wearing lanyards around their neck, take a shot and try not to strangle them with their makeshift noose.

- If somebody asks you for directions, take a shot and appreciate the fact you look like you know your way around this place.

- If somebody asks to borrow your ID for the bars, take a long drink and deny them every time.

Let’s Get Baked: - Preheat the oven to 400 degrees.

- Take the pot and gently place it on a flat surface.

- Throw all the ingredients into the pot so violently that they selfcombine.

- Sprinkle a hefty helping of salt for “flavor.”

- Wait a certain amount of time, you decide.

- Carefully remove from oven.

- Divide into enough portions to last the entire semester.

- Call Mom and cry.

The Game Ends When: You realize you have to stumble to your next class, whatever the hell that might be.

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The Black Sheep’s

Definitive Guide to D.A.D.S. (Day After Drinking Shits)

The variance and veracity of man’s bowel movements after a night of drinking has been a problem that’s plagued our species since the dawn of Saturday mornings. Right up there with life’s most pressing questions — Are we alone in this universe? Is there long-term, tangible meaning to all this?— lies the question Does my butthole sting because a big poop physically ripped it open or is it so toxic that it’s merely an acidic burn? Well, wonder no longer, dear readers, for The Black Sheep dares to take you on an adventure do identify the behavior and cause of 7 different types of DADS. - Quinn wrote this

liquid fire

All morning your butthole has felt pressure building behind it, not unlike holding your thumb over the end of an angry hose. When If you finally reach the bathroom in time, the result is what the male species can only assume what peeing out of a vagina feels like. Only, you know, out your butts.

Cause: You drank a lot, and fast… also you probably forgot to eat dinner.

Whoops! This fire hose of shit will come late the night-of or early the next morning, as your body is reacting quick and aggressively to flush everything out. 2 Steel Reserve 40s – food – body’s ability to absorb water + your intestines pulling liquid to flush the influx of toxins = liquid fire.

Dirtstar Supernova

Also known as the “Wine Cork,” the Dirtstar Supernova turns your butthole into an old civil war cannon, backed up with years of black powder, sediment, and dust in the basement of Fort Dumpter. Suddenly the cannonball comes blasting out surrounded by all that loose sediment. The fort walls are covered in black debris, and the cannon itself is a blown apart.

You’ve got a real mess on your hands.

Cause: The ethanol in alcohol revs up the intestines to push everything through quickly, leaving less time for colon to absorb water, which means watery stool. Plus, you must’ve had one already loaded in the chamber. As your body freaks out and floods the bowels, pressure builds behind that nicely-digested poop like a shaken up campaign bottle. Whatever you’re doing, you better find a bathroom fast, before your dirtstar supernovas inside your pants.

Ground Beefs

First, stick your tongue out, close your lips and make the snake tongue motion while pretending to blow out candles. Then imagine someone browned a pound of hamburger, dumped it in a gallon jug of water, shook it up, then sporadically forced 20-30oz of the watery chunk mix out of a turkey baster 10-250 times a day.

In this scenario, the turkey baster is your tight lil’ buttonhole.

Cause: At least you’ve got some solids now, but they’re disjointed and flooded.Unless you’ve been snacking on granola all night, the lack of fermented fiber in your bowels means you lack the “glue” that binds chunks of poo together, resulting in Ground Beefs.

Hot Snakes

Perhaps the most common type of DADS, the hot snakes are long, brown tubes that flitter out your butthole and coil around the toilet bowl with the fury of a thousand suns. Like your high school girlfriend, they’re thin ‘n windy.

Cause: Hot Snakes form after a combination light beers and fatty foods are given enough time in the dehydration chamber that is your large intestine to solidify more than the prior DADS. However, as you’re gripping the toilet and adding an extra push to exorcise these demons, the extra strain causes your external anal sphincter (the doorway right before the exit) to contract, thus squeezing your poo like an angry toddler’s fist around a clump of Play-Doh.

Black Cement

Remember being a kid on the beach, making drip castles out of wet sand?This is the same thing, only instead of a beach you’re in a moist Subway bathroom, and instead of sand dripping out of your hand into a neat little castle, this is a warm, continuous stream ofgrainy shit being pushed out your whimpering butthole.

Cause: Coupled with all the red wine you drank last night (sugary drinks containing fructose are hard to absorb, and result in soft serve), you’ve waited a long time to poop — maybe because you held it in while Brad took you to brunch. Brad, he’s so sweet~! So while Brad was blabbering on about his high school lacrosse bros, your large intestine was dehydrating and reabsorbing all that toxins in your wine poo. The plus side is the girls won’t hear you splatter the toilet with Ground Beefs, negative side is this shit don’t clean up real good…

Dark Matter

Dark Matter is the most dense, and therefore heaviest, substance in the universe.

Much like your soul as you crushed a second Jimmy John’s sandwich at 3a.m. it’s black, thick, and dead inside. It sinks to the bottom of the bowl, prepped to pull the city’s plumbing system, then the universe, into a bottomless black hole of despair.

Cause: You probably haven’t pooped all day, and that’s not good. The large intestine continues to absorb and recycle the shit in your poop, so the longer you’ve held onto this toxic poop, the worse you’ve felt. This leads to a very dense, very dark piece o’ poop in the bottom of your toilet bowl. That, or you’re a very healthy drunk eater and you just laid a high density, low-fat poo. But we’re going to gamble and go with the prior.

Joe ‘Splosion

Named after a dear friend of The Black Sheep, the Joe Splosion is when you go into the bathroom to alleviate your DADS, but end up doing double duty. You sit on the porcelain throne waiting to evacuate last night’s demons but nausea quickly demands your attention. The walls start to close in, and you opt to hop off the seat, unwiped, to press your temples against the cold tile floor and pray for death. But death doesn’t come, and now bile is spilling out both ends like a porcelain cherub spewing water in a pervert’s fountain.

Cause: You just straight up went too hard last night, man, and now either nausea or the smell of your DADS is sending your body into a last ditch, all-out detox. You fucked up.

FUN FACTS: Alcohol’s Effect on Your Crap Factory STEP 1: Once that third shot of strawberry Burnett’s travels down your esophagus, the absorption of alcoholbegins in the stomach, where it starts to poison the cells and tissues of your digestive system.

STEP 2: As the booze continues to the small intestine, the intestinal cells absorb the bulk of the alcohol. The toxicity causes these cells to lose their ability to absorb water (not good for not having diarrhea), and some cells even die! THEY’RE DEAD! STEP 3: Meanwhile, the enzymes your body normally releases to break down carbs in the small intestine FREAK OUT when it can’t handle the amount of carbs contained in 13 Bud Light Limes, and sort of just say “fuck it” and let all those carbs into the large intestine undigested.

STEP 4: The cell injury and death leads to an outpouring of fluid from the intestinal lining, which is in turn poorly absorbed. Poorly absorbed liquid in the intestines? You probably smell what’s coming next.

STEP 4: Somewhere in this process you’re shoving a shitload of grease and Jimmy John’s down your gullet in which your already-poisoned, hobbling large intestine is still trying to ferment all those carbs.

It’s about here you’ll start farting. A lot.

STEP 5: Your brain finally notices your body is being poisoned, and, literally, opens the floodgates to flush that poison out. The end result is large volume secretory diarrhea, the worst stripper name of all time.

STEP 6: Your body continues to flush the bowels until the alcohol is detoxified and removed from the digestive system. So, the more you drank, the longer you can count on shitting yourself. The good news is, your body is well under way of detoxing itself by your second bout of D.A.D.S.

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THE MADLIB THE MADLIB THE MADLIB THE MADLIB THE MADLIB THE MADLIB THE MADLIB

YOUR SUCCESSFUL SEMESTER Well, this headache isn’t quite how I expected to start this semester, but I guess that’s what ya get for pounding a __1__ of __2__ at __3__ rager last night. Actually, kind of reminded me of __4__ pool party over the summer, when I __5__ that one __6__ and didn’t even catch a name.

But this semester’s not going to be like last semester! First class up is…ok, well I missed __7__, but it’s just Syllabus Week anyway, so who frickin’ cares, right? I’ll definitely go to __8__… but it’s all the way over in __9__, so, maybe not.

Enough of class, man. Plenty of time to do the whole academic thing. I wonder what’s even going on tonight. Oh crap, it’s __10__! It’s—that means it’s __11__at __12__! Been waiting for this one all summer. Going to get my good clothes on, going to shave my __13__and I’ll be bringing back a piece. We’ll put on some “__14__” by __15__and tomorrow morning we’ll hit up __16__for some of that good Plan B. Ok, but for real. It’s time to get up and get the whole day going. Well, wait, I forgot I was just about to start another season of __17__on Netflix. Well, maybe I’ll go to class tomorrow.

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