Volume 4
The Black Sheep The College Newspaper That's Actually About College
Fre e! his Like S elve ant s, fi a an nal d ly.
Issue 1
THE BLACK SHEEP’S 12 TIPS ND FOR A BETTER 2 SEMESTER Cunning Linguist wrote this
After a month of sitting on your butt and drinking beer in your parents’ basement, returning to West Lafayette - the rigors of academia and drinking beer in your friends’ basement - is always a disappointment. Don’t fret, The Black Sheep has come up with 12 tips to make 2nd semester better than the first! Start off the Semester by Sitting Next to that Cute Girl (or Guy) in Class: Don’t actually talk to her, just tell your friends you sit next to the hottest girl in engineering (note: there aren’t any). At the end of the semester finally ask for her number, she’ll say she has a boyfriend and you’ll never have to talk to a woman again. Study for Classes Using Trivia Crack: It’s the new fun way to learn ALL the material for your classes and compete with your friends! You can surely get that A in BIO 204. You won’t need your books either, you have Trivia Crack. Find a Good Place to Study on Break: For example, Brother’s! They have food, music, and booze! Do the Booze: More booze will help liven up your life and forget all your bad exams. You wouldn’t be getting your true college experience if you didn’t show up to class drunk at least twice. Lots of Coffee: Coffee will make your body feel like you never stayed up until 3a.m. Grey House is a great place to get a refreshing cup and study and shit like that. There are tons of hot girls there, too. Read The Black Sheep: The Black Sheep will help give you that much-need comedic relief to get you through the day. Hah, jokes! Oh boy, that was funny. Play in the Snow: Why go to class when you can just make a snow angel, build a giant snow penis in the middle of the
Mall, or throw snowballs at your fluids professor because he gave you an F. Find Your Home for Next Year: This is always very exciting, finding a new place to live other than the dorms. It’ll be like living at home! You should even have your parents come stay with you, they can continue to pay for your housing and make you dinner. Just don’t forget to put the sock on your bedroom door. Use Birth Control: Nobody wants to get pregnant or get someone pregnant, that’ll put a real damper on the semester. Be extra cautious: double your dosage of the pill and wear two condoms. Netflix: Don’t actually leave your dorm. Friends is on Netflix,
PAGE 4
PAGE 5
THE 5 GUYS YOU MET ON TINDER OVER WINTER BREAK
HOW TO: AVOID GETTING CAUGHT VENTING ABOUT YOUR ROOMMATE
OBVIOUSLY THE GUY WHO ASKS FOR NUDES RIGHT AWAY MADE THIS LIST.
THE KEY TO HATING ON YOUR ROOMMATE IS DOING IT UNDETECTED.
what are you, stupid? Burn Your Books: Last semester you learned you never really needed those Atlas of Histology or STAT 301 books, so you’re better off just burning them. Get all Nazi on that shit. It’s cold out and you need warmth. Drop Out: Become a barista, grow a pony tail and blog shit about how college just wasn’t for you. The best way to make 2nd semester better is to just not have one! Your semester will inevitably go however you make it out to be. Hopefully you follow these tips, especially the last one, to make it through this one better than the first. Have a great second semester you all and don’t forget C’s get degrees.
PAGES 12-13 RESOLUTION REVOLUTION WE SCROUNGED UP 7 APPS TO HELP MAKE YOU A BETTER PERSON IN 2015.
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PAGE THREE THE BLACK SHEEP’S LEGENDARY
WORD OF THE WEEK
80s CARTOON CHARACTER PORN STAR NAME?
BLUE BALLIN’ Getting a mad case of blue balls after hooking up with a hot chick, but still feeling awesome about getting to second base.
TARA BOUMDEAY
Dude, Anna is so hot. Yeah, I was blue ballin’ afterwards, but at least I got some action. High-five!
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PAGE 4 • THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM
WELCOME BACK
The 5 Guys You Met on Tinder During Winter Break Staff wrote this
Tinder is a delicate game, and one you don’t want to play while you’re at home. Unfortunately, over break you got a little desperate and looked for someone down to clown around. No judging, we’ve all done it. The pickings were slim; hey, it’s hard to tell how old guys are nowadays, what with high schoolers getting in on the trend. Nevertheless, you were able to pick up a couple guys over break. Your at-home conquests: The Guy With a Dead Deer in His Picture Main Picture: He’s holding the antlers of a dead buck. No matter how urban your hometown is, you will always find a hick at home. Pick-Up Line: “Are those Ariat boots?” Part of you had a dream of banging a Luke Bryan type of guy. Unfortunately, he looked and smelled like he lived in a barn. Did he look like he was going to kill you? Yes. Did he? No. But did he sing bad country songs that made you want to kill yourself? Yes. His mustache looked a lot thicker in his picture, and instead, it was just kind of sad. You slipped out of the roadhouse while he was talking about hunting season. The Guy Who Asked for Nudes Right Away Main Picture: Probably a shot of him flexing his abs as hard as possible. Pick-Up Line: “Nudes?” You had to give it to that guy for having the guts to just go ahead and ask. It takes balls to expose yourself like that. Like How I Met Your Mother’s “naked man” trick, it works two out of three times. Somewhere, some girl with extremely low self-esteem added
him on Snapchat and sent him the goodies. You were better than that. The Guy Who Graduated with Your Older Sibling Main Picture: Probably him wearing a suit, trying to mask his inadequate progression to adult life. Pick-Up Line: “Aren’t you _______’s little sister?” This guy went to high school with you, and was a couple years older. He spent the majority of his college career smoking weed and not going to class, explaining why he’s a sixth/seventh/eighth year senior. While your sibling and her moderately successful friends celebrated their reunion at the bars, he offered you a night in his mom’s basement and a bottle of Burnett’s. You were almost tempted to take him up on the offer until you reminded yourself he still lived in a basement. The Guy Who Used to be an Athlete Main Picture: His senior pic on the football field, kneeling. Pick-Up Line: “Hello beautiful *insert winky face emoji*” Number one on the field, number zero in our hearts. He was the star quarterback in his high school days, but didn’t get into college. He’s chilling at your local community college and drinking chocolate protein shakes before hitting the gym. If you were going to hook up with any of your Tinder matches, it was him. Underneath his worn-out high school jersey, there were chiseled abs and no sense of commitment, making him the perfect at-home hookup.
The Guy Who Seemed Too Normal to be on Tinder, but was Actually Crazy Main Picture: Smiling. Looks normal at first, but look in the eyes—crazy. Pick-Up Line: “What’s a beautiful girl like you doing on Tinder?” You matched up with this guy and immediately sensed something wrong. He goes to your school, you have a million friends in common—yet you’ve never heard of him. Red flags. However, your desperate self met him up and realized he was normal... kind of normal. Something was in the air that night, and it wasn’t Phil Collins. You agreed to see him again, but the next day, he ambushed you by introducing you to his parents and talking about your future. Boom, there’s the crazy. Now that you’re back at school, you spend time anxiously hoping you don’t run into him. Lesson learned—never hook up with the crazy dude.
A FOR EFFORT
THE TOP TEN NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTIONS NO ONE WILL KEEP 10.) Dress Warmer: It’s time to bundle up in the black puffy coat that everyone else seems to be wearing. Yet...your cleavage looks so good in this shirt maybe you’ll wait to take your summer clothes home. Beauty is pain, after all. 9.) Don’t Skip Class: You have one 8 a.m. this semester, nothing too bad. Setting an alarm for 7:30 gives you ample time to not give a shit and make it to class. You can always take a nap after class. Oh, oops, your alarm was set for 7:30 p.m. How... unfortunate? 8.) Complete All the Homework: This is the semester you need to buckle down. No matter how long the paper, or how long the reading excerpt, you will keep up your GPA by doing all your homework! So, create some lists once you’re done with your weekend party, cuzthis semester, you’re gonna rock it. 7.) Avoid the All-You-Can-Eat: Sometimes eating on campus is the best option. But, with the terrible options on campus, it’s hard to decide where to eat to maintain the new health kick. Avoiding Wiley gives you the option to avoid the shit-tons of carbs that they stuff in you. Then again, you will get your money’s worth so, why the hell not?
How To: Avoid Getting Caught
Venting about Your Roommate Staff wrote this
If you’re anything like The Black Sheep then you too have a bunch of roommates that annoy the crap out of you. This forces you to gossip about them, but how do you get away with it when you live in the same house? If you follow these simple rules then you won’t have to go through that awkward “I was talking about a different Nora, not you girl, I swear,” conversation. All about the timing: You know your roommates’ schedules like the back of your hand, so use this to your advantage. Roomie #1 takes a shower at 8:05 p.m., so you have approximately 23 minutes to go for it. Gather your other roommates, or just one trusted roomie, and get started. Limit your topics beforehand. Go for what annoyed you the most yesterday or last week and skip the part where you vent about her puking on your futon freshman year. You could practically recite that entire vent right down to the part where you swear you “will literally never be friends with her again.” We’ve heard that at least 500 times by now, why aren’t you over it already?! Pick a good spot: You cannot talk about your roommate while she is potentially home or sleeping. Wait until you’re sure she’s not home or when you’re at the caf, but even that could be dangerous. When no one’s home, test out the thickness of your walls, you could be neglecting a prime shit-talking spot in your house by thinking your roommate can hear. Nowhere is off limits if you do your research, which is critical to any hormonal, irrational college girl. Be discrete and stay focused: Nothing is worse than the rookie mistake of texting about how gross your roommate’s new highlights are and accidentally sending it to them. This is the hardest rule to obey when intoxicated. If you are going to attempt to badmouth them while drunk or high, keep a printout of these four steps in your pocket and do a quick run-through before you hit send. Do not lose focus or you will get caught and the results will not be pretty.
6.) Make New Friends: The time has come to escape your habitat, the room in which you hid first semester. Whether it’s hanging out in your dorm lobby to interact with those really loud, annoying people that kept you up every night, or leaving your apartment to go to the party next door that seems to be bumpin’, it’s time to finally be social. 5.) Become Fiscally Responsible: It’s time to be responsible and save your money for rent, groceries, and textbooks. You go to the mall with your friends and they convince you to buy three new pairs of American Eagle jeans that they thought were “oh so cute.” You did say you wanted to be more social this year… 4.) Cut Back on the Booze: Alright, first semester was party time. Your liver is aching from drinking on the weekends, and you’re worrying about the possibility of alcoholism, so it’s time to stop. After the beginning of the semester party festivities, though. 3.) No More Netflix: It’s time to stop watching shows and movies that you’ve found after digging through the good ones, and focus on this semester. But only a little bit, after you finish the second season of Orange is the New Black.
Never get caught (if you do, minimize the damage): If you do ever get caught, abort the mission, we repeat: this could ruin friendships. You have to have a clever excuse, and as hard as it may be, an apology on hand (or at least a good-sounding fake apology). Your roommate should understand that you told everyone you saw at The Rec that she had sex on the roof of your friend’s house on Tower last weekend. Things like that need to be shared.
2.) Go to the Gym: You have a free pass to the gym with your Purdue ID, so why not put it to the test? You’re not that out of shape, just a little pudge from all that turkey and stuffing, nothing a few days at the gym can’t handle. But, the gym is such a far walk, and it’s getting cold. Along with that, running hurts, lifting hurts, rowing hurts, everything hurts. Why torture yourself when you can curl up in bed?
Remember, nothing is too difficult with practice and preparation. Talking shit is a skill that is as essential as books your friends’ notes in college and carrying it out takes studying and intelligence.
1.) Stop Mooching Off Your Parents: You’re a grown adult now. From this day forward, you’re going to be a self-sufficient, responsible adult with no more ties to Mom and Dad. Until you need a little extra cash to buy books or that new game everyone has been talking about. But hey, they’re your parents. It’s their job to take care of you.
It is your job to make sure the conversation is exciting around here. It’s what keeps Western going. Venting about your roommates is a battlefield; remember you’re not the only roommate dishing it out.
Purdue Staff wrote this
PARTY PICS
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ON THE STREETS What was your New Year’s resolution, and when will you break it? SHAELA D.
“Schedule More “me time.” Hopefully I will never break it.”
STUART B.
“Not to skip leg day, I’ll probably break it by spring break.”
JOEY E.
“Take a nap instead of doing stuff, its going pretty good so far.”
06
Your Degree Shouldn’t Cost As Much As Your Housing!
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SPECIAL NIGHT
WEDNESDAY! $0.25 Wings: 9pm - ‘til they’re gone! Mild, Ass-Burner, Spicy Garlic & Hawaiian BBQ, $1.25 Miller High Life Bottles, $1.50 Double Wells, $4 32oz B.F.D’s
Everyday: $0.69 Bud Light $0.99 Shocktop $1.20 Johnny Appleseed $1.99 Peoples Drafts
FRIDAY! $3 Any Well Drink $3 Shots, $4 Bombs $12 Well Pitcher 5 for $15 International Beers
TUESDAY! Euchre at 9pm $1 Off All Crafts & Microbrews, $2.50 Bacardi and Bacardi Oakheart
FRIDAY & SATURDAY: Bruce in the Piano Bar 9pm, Live DJ main room
THURS.
$1 O Bombs $2.50 Long Islands $2.50 Double Wells
$10.99 Steak Night! $0.69 Bud Light $0.99 Shocktop $1.20 Johnny Appleseed $1.99 Peoples Drafts
5 for $15 Corona, Heineken and Dos Equis $12 Margarita and Mojito Pitchers, $2 Tequila Shots $4.25 Long Islands
Free Hotdogs, Popcorn and Peanuts $2.25 Domestic Bottles, $4.25 Fishbowls, Well Drinks
THREE DOLLAR THREE OLIVES THURSDAY $1 Coors, $2 Wells and $3 Three Olives $3.75 Long Islands
FRI.
$1 O-Bombs, $5 Double Three Olives Vodka Mixers $5 Premium Flavored L.I.T’s $4 Double Wells
$0.69 Bud Light $0.99 Shocktop $1.20 Johnny Appleseed $1.99 Peoples Drafts
$3 Any Well Drink $3 Shots, $4 Bombs $12 Well Pitcher 5 for $15 International Beers
$3.75 Captain Morgan, $3.25 Miller/Coors 24oz Drafts, $4.25 Blue Moon 24oz Drafts $3 Bazooka Joe & Cherry Bombs, Free Hotdogs, Popcorn and Peanuts!
$2 Bud/Bud Light Drafts, $15 100oz beer tubes, $12 Bud/ Bud Light buckets, $3 Titos, $4 Jacks and $4 Bacardi Bruce in Piano Bar 9pm, Live DJs main room
SAT.
$1 O-Bombs $5 Premium Flavored L.I.T’s $5 Double Bacardi Mixers $4 Double Wells
$0.69 Bud Light $0.99 Shocktop $1.20 Johnny Appleseed $1.99 Peoples Drafts
$4.25 Long Islands $3 Shots, $4 Bombs 5 for $12 Domestics $12 Well Pitchers
Brex Club! $4.25 Jack Daniels, $3.25 Bud, Bud Light and Rolling Rock 24oz Drafts, $4.25 Goose Island 312 24oz Drafts, $3 Jager Bombs | Breakfast Club Specials: $2.25 Screwdrivers and Bloody Marys, $3 Fireball Breakfast Shots
$3.50 Smirnoff and Captain Morgan, $4 Jacks, $12 Buckets Miller/ Coors, $15 100oz Beer Tube of Miller/Coors Bruce in the Piano Bar 9pm, Live DJ main room
SUN.
$2 Double Well Mixers, $3 U-Call-It Shots & Top Shelf Drinks
$0.69 Bud Light $0.99 Shocktop $1.20 Johnny Appleseed $1.99 Peoples Drafts
Open - 6pm, Hooka Freefill (With purchase of an appetizer) $0.50 Wings (Minimum of 6) $2 Domestic Beers $3 Import Beers $4.25 Margaritas and Mojitos
$15 Domestic Pitcher & Pie, $6.50 Domestic Pitchers, $2.25 Wells, $3 Fireball
Check out your pics on our galleries @ neoncactus.biz
MON.
$1 Double Wells $1.25 18oz Bud Light Btls 50¢ Rolling Rock Cans $3 U-Call-It Shots
$0.69 Bud Light $0.99 Shocktop $1.20 Johnny Appleseed $1.99 Peoples Drafts
$.50 Wings (Minimum of 6) $3.25 Any Well Drink 5 for $5 Bud Light, Miller Lite, and Coors Light
$1.50 Bud/Bud Light Bottles, $2 Coronas, $3 Jager Bomb Cups, $15 Domestic Pitcher + Pie, $4 220z Well Drinks, $5 Red Bull Mixers
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TUES.
$2 Double Wells $2 Any Draft $1 O-Bombs
$0.69 Bud Light $0.99 Shocktop $1.20 Johnny Appleseed $1.99 Peoples Drafts
5 for $12 Domestic Beers $10 Sangria Pitcher $4 Redbull Vodkas 6pm – Close, Hooka Freefill (With purchase of an appetizer, one per appetizer)
Euchre at 9pm $1 Off All Crafts & Microbrews, $2.50 Bacardi and Bacardi Oakheart
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WED.
The Bar Grid
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$0.25 Wings: 9pm - ‘til they’re gone! Mild, Ass-Burner, Spicy Garlic & Hawaiian BBQ $1.25 Miller High Life Bottles, $1.50 Double Wells, $4 32oz B.F.D’s
$0.69 Bud Light $0.99 Shocktop $1.20 Johnny Appleseed $1.99 Peoples Drafts
$3.25 Any Well Drink, $2 Domestic Beers & $3 Import Beers $4.25 Daiquiris and Pina Coladas $12 Well Pitchers 6pm – Close, Half off Second Hooka (Limit one per table)
Team Trivia at 9:30pm $2.25 Wells, $1.50 Retro Miller Lite Bottles
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TOP FIVE
STARBUCKS DRINKS FOR THE NEW YEAR Coffee Cary wrote this
To kick off the New Year right, Starbucks coffee has decided to introduce a new line of drinks specifically for college students. As a Starbucks barista, I know that this new line of beverages is a bit outside the coffee shop norm. Despite the unique and notFDA-approved ingredients, we Starbucks baristas guarantee that once you try one of these “special” drinks, you’ll be hooked. SnowWhite Frappuccino: The SnowWhite Frappuccino is made with a precise blend of cocaine, LSD, and non-fat milk, and topped with a drizzle of cough syrup. Think this sounds gross? Think again. After the first sip, you won’t even remember what’s in the drink. In fact, you probably won’t even remember you’re at Starbucks. This drink is especially good before first dates, 8 a.m. classes, and job interviews. Russian Twist Latte: This isn’t even a latte; it’s literally just vodka. We just call it a latte so when your mom visits and wants to take you to Starbucks because you’ve been “working so hard this semester,” she won’t get suspicious. The twist is that we put a
slice of lime in it so you think it’s healthy and feel better about your poor life choices. Black Cappuccino: One of Starbucks’ newest vegan, gluten-free* options. This is just like a regular cappuccino, except for some novel ingredients. This drink contains smoothly-blended Adderall with whipped cream. We’ve created this drink keeping in mind those of you who don’t want to tread all the way across campus to your friend’s cousin’s boyfriend’s dorm to get what you need to write that 12-page paper on Hitler’s mustache. This drink is also great for getting through those boring lectures, funerals, and occasional life interventions that you have to attend. *We don’t actually know what vegan or gluten-free means, but we do know that we’ll make a lot of money selling this. Lotus Clear Tea: Perfect for any of you that have just failed a huge exam and need a pick me up. This drink is a careful mix of mineral water and really
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hardcore, underground (probably legal) uppers that will ensure you forget about that calc test you just bombed. How does this drink do this? Eh, who knows? I’m a barista, not a doctor. Sour Mocha: This drink has everything: spiced rum, a strand of fur from your favorite childhood stuffed animal, and the tears of Indiana basketball fans after they lose to Purdue later this month. Starbucks doesn’t even know why they sell this drink, but they’re sure as hell that at least 80,000 white girls will tweet about it.
If you’re not a loyal Starbucks customer already, come in to buy one of these drinks and get hooked. Literally. There are drugs in these drinks so you will get hooked, which means we will be making a shitton of money from you. Great for us, probably bad for you, but we know your parents give you a weekly allowance anyway so you shouldn’t really care. We will only be offering these drinks for a limited time, so hurry in and try one before we are inevitably shut down by the health department.
BARTENDER of the WEEK Relationship Status: Single Major: Mechanical Engineering Technology Favorite Drink: Jameson Favorite Shot: Patron Disgusting Drink: Vodka
WILL AMOR, THE EGYPTIAN
What’s the best back to school winter drink?: Mojito, tropical refreshing and gets the mind thinking towards spring break! How do you make it?: Rum, sugar, dried mint leaves, mojito mix and a splash of Sprite. What song are you most excited to hear 1,000 times the first month of this semester?: “Uptown Funk” by Mark Ronson 2014 will be remembered as the year of…: Robin Williams, a beautiful life to an unfortunate end. 2015 will be remembered as the year of…: Good friends, great times, and beautiful memories. Jeff Goldblum comes into The Egyptian and ask you to buy him
a drink. What happens next?: We would get drunk enough to think that we were actually at Jurassic Park. Is 2015 the year the worlds ends?: Hell no, Life maybe short but not that short and it’s not our time. Work hard, party harder, and keep those who are close near and dear. Five quick words on what Dianne posted to Karen’s Facebook Wall: Not sure what this is but, crazy, adventurous, demanding, sly, ingenious. Why should people read The Black Sheep? To better your understanding of the college campus and how the college mind tends to think. It’s the paper for the students.
THE DRINKING GAME
RECIPE FOR DISASTER
RESOLUTIONS SCHMESOLUTIONS
MOCK APPLE PIE
Now that you’re back on the academic grind, you can drink beer with your at-school friends and associates, rather than the high school friends you still pretend to like. So, why not start off the new year by seeing how others are starting off their new year?
Back at school and already miss mom’s home-cookin’? Well, you’re no culinary wizard, so what is a boy to do? Fake it ‘til ya make it, son. Let’s do a fake apple pie.
What You’ll Need: Fortitude beyond your years, social acumen, beer. Number of Players: This is one of those games you play with yourself. Yes, yes, like masturbation. Very clever. Level of Intoxication: Well, how creative is your social circle? How to Play: -Attend a party or head to a bar. You’re going to need to be in a crowded room of people. -Approach someone at the event and ask them, simply, “What’s your New Year’s resolution?” -Take a big ole’ gulp for every generic resolution that heads your way. Think “better shape” or “to attend class regularly.” -Two drinks for any resolution you hear that is less about self-improvement and more about getting more out of innocent bystanders, like “I’m going to get laid by at least six different people,” or “I’m going to win a karaoke competition.” -Demand the person you asked take a drink with you if they have an oddly specific resolution. “I promised myself I’ll stop drunk texting Karen this year,” for example. -Take two big swigs if the person fessed up to already breaking his or her resolution. -If the person is one of those, “I don’t make resolutions” pragmatists, pragmatically make him or her help you finish your drink. The Game Ends When: You resolve to be less annoying to strangers who don’t want to play your dumb game.
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What You’ll Need: A box of Ritz crackers, a pre-made pie crust, butter, sugar, brown sugar, cinnamon, water. Fatty Factor: It’s pie, so, like…pie-level fattiness. Let’s Get Baked: -Preheat your oven to 425 degrees. -In a saucepan over medium-high heat, combine 2 cups water and 1 cup white sugar. Bring to a boil. -Drop 30 whole Ritz into the boiling morass and let boil for 5 minutes. Pour the mixture into the pie shell and sprinkle it with ½ teaspoon of cinnamon. -Mix together 1 cup crushed Ritz crackers, ½ cup brown sugar, ½ teaspoon cinnamon, and 1/3 cup butter. Sprinkle this over the pie. -Bake pie for 15 minutes at 425. Reduce heat to 375 degrees and bake for 20 more minutes. -Remove and let cool for 1 hour before serving (the whole thing to yourself.) Sure, it’s not perfect, but it’s pretty good…just like you! Plus, who needs delicious, nutritious apples when you can get boxed, preformed crackers for the same price? They’ll last forever, not like those stupid apples.
NOMNOMNOM AT THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM
Who it’s For: Freshly-resolved drunks and those who lack the basic human skill of recognizing other humans based on their, you know, face. It’s called prosopagnosia, look it up. What it Does: Organizes people in your phone based on how and when you met. So when you’re trying to track down those lazy shitheads in your group project you could search “English 301 group project” and those lazy shitheads would pop up. You’ll Learn to Hate it When…: You search “LOCAL BAR” and 30 names pop up, leaving you nowhere near remembering who that sultry brunette was who bought you a Fireball shot—but you sure as hell have met a lot of people you don’t remember there! Might as well stick with ol’ reliable “LOCAL BAR” in your phonebook and save the $0 this app costs for something else.
Who it’s For: Those of you who were “too cool” to take notes last semester and received bad ass Cs and Ds on your finals. You’re going to need a new approach, and since taking hand-written notes on an iPad is the opposite of cool, give this a shot. What it Does: Takes your (digitally) hand-written notes and makes them all pretty-like, turning your serial killer-esque chicken scratch into legible font and all those graphs you draw into perfect, re-sizeable shapes. You’ll Learn to Hate it When: Come test-time, all those mindless doodles and dicks you drew look just as official as the actual notes. Is that a sketch of the Raising the Flag on Iwo Jima statue or four penises laying on top of each other? Let’s not forget that everyone will hate you for writing notes by hand on an iPad, and hopefully that hate will turn into self-hatred.
Who it’s For: To-be-graduating seniors who, for whatever reason, have yet to find post-graduation employment. Whether it’s because you’re finally snagging that bomb degree in unified philosophy or simply because you’re a lazy piece of human garbage who hasn’t started looking yet, you’ll need all the help you can get. What it Does: Aggregates job postings from major websites and company postings. Also, shows jobs based on geography. Work smarter, not harder, you know? Hey, use that in the job interview! You’ll Learn to Hate it When: You slowly come to realize Indeed is little more than an efficient way for you to pile up the rejection letters. Hey, how much more in student loans would you need to pursue another bachelor’s degree?
Who it’s For: You, the modern-day lothario-on-the-go. This year you’ve resolved to have what kids call “the sex.” For, it is women that you will have, yes, many of them. 2015 is going to be the year you get laid many a time. What it Does: Well, “CATE” is an acronym for “Call And Text Eraser,” so, it does that. Which, you know, if you meet a lucky lady at a party on Thursday, and then another lucky lady at a party on that Friday, then ANOTHER lucky lady getting coffee on Saturday morning, you can consider your player-ass self lucky that they’ll never have to know about each other, until... You’ll Learn to Hate it When: ...One of your “many” sexual conquests also happens to have CATE. She’ll know what it does—she’s not an idiot, she’s playing the same game you’re playing-- and she’ll be more than happy to track down the other four women you’ve been trying to sleep with and let them know about your hijinx. Hey, porn is free, and you never have to ask it for forgiveness.
Who it’s For: 2014 was pretty good to you, mate, and in turn you want to do some good for the world. Well, then maybe get like Haley Joel Osment and pay that bitch forward. What it Does: The app hits you up with suggestions about good deeds you can do locally. For example, you might get one that says, “Leave a copy of a really great book you read at a cafe for someone else to enjoy.” Hah, yeah, like people enjoy reading. You’ll Learn to Hate it When: Suddenly you go to the ATM to snag a crisp $20 and you realize, then, in that moment, that suddenly you’re the one in need of a good deed because doing nice thing here and kind act there adds up, and now you’re destitute, cold, alone and charitable, which is no way to live your life.
Who It’s For: FATTIES LIKE YOU. What it Does: Ideal Weight lets you enter your data—height, weight, and the ilk—and in turn, it’ll give you your ideal BMI. Whether you’re underweight (yeah, right) overweight (ding, ding, ding!) or just right (no one loves you), you’ll know that, yes, in 2015 you’re going to kick some gym ass and take some gym names, like Jim. You’ll Learn to Hate It: Because what business, by god, does a stupid $5 app have telling you, a goddamn citizen of the United States of America, what you can and can’t shove in your motherlovin’ food-hole when you want to shove whatever it is you want in your goddamn American food-hole? Benjamin Franklin didn’t ward off the British in Denver all by himself to have a stupid robot tell you how to live your life. PIZZA AND REVOLUTION.
Who it’s For: Smokers, jokers, and midnight tokers. What it Does: It helps you quit smoking. Pretty straightforward. You’ll Learn to Hate it When: All the “stats”— meant to show you how long you’ve gone, how much money you’ve saved, etcetera—only remind you how much you miss smoking. It’s been 12 days, 5 hours and 32 seconds since you stood in the chilly New Year’s Eve air, just before midnight looking out from your friend’s balcony, chatting, and filling your lungs with that sweet, burning grey smoke. You’ll never have that social escape again. Oh you’ve saved $30? Think of all the cigs you could buy with $30… think of all the conversations and inside jokes that money has cost you… is it really worth it?
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