The Black Sheep
FRO FREE! M T LIKE HE ICE CATCH BUC ING KET A C CHA OLD LLE NGE .
Volume 3
The College Newspaper That's Actually About College
Issue 1
The Purdue Freshman Survival Guide Josh Haase wrote this Welcome class of 2018! How was BGR week? Think you can stomach another game of “Two Truths and a Lie”? No? Alright. Head to Engineering Fountain. Lay in the sun, read this, and try to forget about the past week of icebreakers and overly-enthused group leaders. Here’s everything you need to know for your first year as a Boilermaker.
First Day of Classes
What to Bring: If you’re reading this, it’s probably safe to assume you’re over the age of 18. You should have the basics down: clothing, whatever pertinent learning materials you need, and coffee. So much coffee. Beyond that, it doesn’t really matter what you bring to class. Just don’t be that kid with the scooter. That guy is the worst. Secondly, if you are over the age of 11, you should be riding a goddamn bike. Do you think your grandfather, after fighting Nazis, after marrying your grandmother, and after creating your father, rode a SCOOTER WHLE HE WENT TO SCHOOL ON HIS GI-BILL?! YOU BET YOUR ASS HE DIDN’T. The point here is that no one really gives a damn about what you bring to class so long as it isn’t a scooter. What to Expect: It depends. Lots of walking if you have classes in Lily or god forbid the Animal Husbandry building. Classes in Beering will be filled with kids who don’t give a damn about English lit, and a frustrated teacher. Engineering classes will be all male. Psychology all female. Roll with it. Class is what you make of it, just try not to sleep.
First Party
What to Bring: This will vary greatly depending on weather you’re a male or female. Girls, just show up. Your mere presence at a party is a blessing to every guy there. Seriously, thank you. Guys, you’re on your own. Run to Tark-Mart, buy some overpriced mixers and condoms, then say a prayer that your brother’s senior friend will remember to meet you by Neil Armstrong with the handle of bottom-shelf vodka. What to Expect: Disappointment. Just kidding. Unless you’re looking to get laid, then yes, disappointment. Otherwise, what you will actually experience varies greatly depending on the setting. If you’re at one of Purdue’s frat houses, expect a big dance floor, booze and women. If you’re at a friend’s house you can expect a more laid-back setting, but also less anonymity for your drunken debauchery. But, some things are givens, such as: Drunk girl crying and throwing up, an overeager asshole pretending to be drunker than he really is, and lots of questionable dancing/groping.
Sporting Events
What to Bring: A ticket? We don’t know. Why are you asking us what to
bring to a football game? What to Expect: For Purdue to lose. This is true for both football and basketball. Now, we have a lot of good Olympic sport teams here, such as track and field and swimming and diving. But we all know you’re never going to go to those. Really, our athletic program can be summed up by the fact that Morgan Burke won’t allow flood lights to be installed at Ross-Ade. Process that for a minute. No lights. No lights at on a major university’s stadium. In 2015. Oh, Morgan.
The Dorms
What to Bring: ARE YOU STILL ASKING US QUESTIONS? HOW DO YOU NOT KNOW WHAT TO BRING TO YOUR DORM? YOU KNOW WHAT? BRING A FERAL CAT AND A POT OF HONEY. YOU’LL BE GOOD BRO. What to Expect: Getting really close to your roommate, and conversely learning to hate your roommate. It will happen, it’s inevitable, just move
on. Your roommate is an asshole anyway. Seriously, could he clean the damn microwave for once? OR NOT BANG HIS GIRLFRIEND WHEN I’M STILL IN THE ROOM. Sorry, flashbacks man. Anyway, you’ll have fun.
Exam Day
What to Bring: A pencil and a lack of shame knowing you’re going to fail. What to Expect: A big room, a Scantron, and to see a seemingly endless sea of kids you haven’t seen in class for 4 weeks. Oh, and if the exam is in Elliot, a lack of desks. Get ready to feel a myriad of emotions ranging from dread to anger (ANSWERS A AND B ARE THE SAME THING), and either euphoria or misery based on your results. Even if you don’t appreciate any of the advice laid down here, hopefully you’ll remember some of it in a time of need (like choosing between a scooter and a bike). Best of luck, and Boiler Up!
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PAGES 12-13
PURDUE FOOTBALL: THIS IS THE YEAR!
PROFESSORS PUMPED FOR ANOTHER YEAR OF LEFTIST INDOCTRINATION
WHAT DOES YOUR TAILGATING BEVERAGE SAY ABOUT YOU?
IT’S ALL ABOUT TAKING IN INFORMATION WITH A GRAIN OF SALT.
DON’T FEEL SELF-CONSCIOUS BUT, YES, WE’RE JUDGING YOU.
GRAB A FRUITOPIA AND FEEL THE EXCITEMENT!
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WORD of the WEEK
GOURMEH A recipe prepared using only non-perishable products.
Karen’s ramen-and-Kraft Single mac n’ cheese gourmeh meal sated her drunk munchies, but made her regret her decisions the next morning.
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Originally gained fame from Toddlers & Tiaras.
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Lives in McIntyre, Georgia.
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Introduced terms “neck crust” and “forklift foot.”
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Local Fraternity Member No Longer Finds Peeing On Things Funny Staff Wrote This
Everyone reacts differently to the things that they see on their Facebook and Twitter feeds. Charlie Peterson, a junior at Purdue, has been looking at the real issues. “I was just scrolling through my feed, making sure that my exes Chrissy, Maggie, and Lindsey were all still single and miserable when I saw something about a place called ‘Gaza’; sounds like a made-up country right?” Peterson said, pounding back a beer on his fraternity’s couch. He continued, “It’s really made me rethink my life, y’know? I do stupid things; I pee on things to make my bros laugh.”
“Dream big, Charlie Peterson.”
We asked him to kindly put his dick away, but this seemed to give him a brilliant idea. “You know, I could get a sponsor to support the efforts overseas. For everything that I don’t piss on, I could earn like 100 bucks for it!”
PURDUE FOOTBALL: THIS IS THE YEAR! Josh Haase Wrote This
Wow! Can you feel it?! Can you feel the football spirit in the air? Soon you and your fellow Boilermakers will be tailgating to the sounds of Limp Bizkit and the Baja Men while the ‘Makers crush the competition like a delicious bottle of Fruitopia! Who let the dogs out, bro!? WE DID. This season, backed by Drew Brees, the Purdue Boilermakers are bound to make a serious run for both a Big Ten and a NCAA title! And how couldn’t they? Supporting Brees is an all-star cast
of national-level talent lead by the mustachioed spread offense legend Joe Tiller himself. With Montrell Lowe leading the rushing attack and Vinny Sutherland acting has Brees’ main downfield target, the Boilermakers bring a variety of offensive weapons to the table. On top of that, the Purdue defense boasts some of the best defensive backs in the nation. Opposing quarterbacks beware! With all the exciting weapons on both sides of the ball, we cannot wait to spend
our Saturdays watching victory after victory at Ross-Ade stadium. Imagine, Brees connecting for touchdown after touchdown. This season will be hotter than TRL’s next Britney Spears music video. With Prince’s classic “1999” playing loud and clear at Harry’s every game day morning, we can’t help but think any rival fans visiting Breakfast Club should be dressing like Neo—having any luck against this team, you ‘ll need to be able to dodge bullets.
“I’d give you 10 bucks if you went a day without pissing on my backpack,” Fraternity brother Ryan Michaels said in passing.
“Man, I just think about people dying over there and here I am, pissing on someone’s bike because my bros think it’s hilarious,” Peterson said as he proceeded to pee in the fake potted plant next to the couch.
“See, I already have one sponsor!” Peterson crushed his beer can against his head then set to work on his plan for sponsorship. He was too happy about the prospect of helping people in another “country” that we weren’t going to discourage him. Dream big, Charlie Peterson.
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WELCOME BACK
THE TOP TEN Cures for the Back-to-PU Blues Everything is returning to normal, not that that’s a good thing. Have no fear, here’s ten things to cure what ails ya. 10.) Booze: It’s been scientifically proven that the best way to rid yourself of any unwanted emotion is through alcohol. Trust us, would we lie to you? Of course not! All we know for sure is that 10 shots deep, you won’t even remember your own name, much less the fact that you’re back at Purdue. 9.) Assert Dominance: Nothing says, “I’m an adult” like pushing around those lowest on the totem pole. It’s impossible to be sad when everyone knows you’re at the top of the chain of command—just look at Hitler. That was the ‘stache of a happy man, are we Reich? 8.) Exercise: One of the best ways to cheer yourself up is to get your endorphins going. Conveniently, we have a state-of-the-art rec center, just a jog away, which can double as a landmark to judge how far you are from Chipotle. After the longest jog of your life, you’ll be so ready for that burrito that nothing else in the world will matter.
Professors Pumped For Another Year of Leftist Indoctrination
7.) Bowling: Yeah you read that right, bowling. Aggressively hurling a weighted ball down a lane and watching it roll over all those smug white pins gives people a sick satisfaction that can’t be topped.
Staff wrote this
Eagerly anticipating a chance to mold a new generation of students into mindless Leftist soldiers, Maoist college professors across the country say they are ready for another year of indoctrination, sources confirm. “It’s important to be strong and firm right off the bat,” said Purdue University professor Mark Winston. “I always take the first class as an opportunity to make it very, very clear to my students that God is dead and if they think otherwise, they will never pass Income Tax Accounting.” Studies show that while students enter college with naïve and often amusing beliefs in religion, liberty, and the existence of Ronald Reagan, educators like Wanda Farkes are successful in disabusing them of such thoughts. “Sometimes students come in thinking that America has done any good in this world,” said the tenured English professor. “My final exam consists entirely of having every student burn an American flag. I’ve never had to fail a student.” According to reports, institutes of higher education employ a variety of tactics to impose their will on the gentle souls that walk onto their campuses. For Ramon Salazar, philosophy professor and community organizer, this means reaching them outside the classroom as well. “The kids always respond positively to the big 9/11 party I throw at my house that I share with my transgender, illegal immigrant roommates,” he said. “At the end we play Pictionary, but the only answer is ‘Chickens Coming Home to Roost.’ Everyone is a winner! That’s because in the perfect Marxist society, it is illegal for people to be different in any way.” Salazar confirmed that the efforts of college
professors reap tangible benefits. “Past students still write me sometimes. One sent me a copy of the Communist Manifesto inscribed with ‘I made my lesbian wife get an abortion the other day. Thanks for all you’ve taught me.’” Salazar wiped a tear away and continued, “It’s moments like these that remind me why I got into indoctrinating.” Sources indicate that not all educators use such velvet-gloved approaches. For professors like Winston, the tougher, the better. “If a student uses the word ‘exceptional,’ it’s an F. If a student uses the words ‘good’ and ‘America’ in the same paper, it’s an F. If a student is white, it’s an F,” Winston explained. “Every year I have only one goal: to make a cis white male kill himself.” Differences in indoctrination methods have been a bone of contention among the Leftist vanguard in recent years, new reports say. One recent example has been a change to the famous ‘Evolution of Man’ diagram, making it now culminate in notable pinko and liberal messiah Barack Obama. “It used to be Marx at the end, but you’ve got to keep up with the students, you know?” said Farkes. “Don’t want to seem like an old fart. Because we teach that old people are all useless racists who deserve to be executed en masse.” Salazar remembers another division “about eight or nine” years ago. “There was talk that we were going to replace all of our courses with Womyn’s Studies classes,” he said. “I’m not sure why we didn’t do it, actually. I’ll have to bring it up at the annual Saul Alinsky Memorial Professors Conference. It’s in North Korea this year! “Of course, it’s always in North Korea.”
6.) Party Hardy: All you need is a dark basement, EDM music, copious amounts of hallucinogens, and all that sexual tension that hangs over frat parties like the mists of Avalon. 5.) Subway: This is it. The epitome of happiness. At Subway, this swirling vortex of terror that we call life is calm and, for once, you’re in control of it. You’re never judged here, simply accepted for who you are and the choices you make. Wanna throw some extra olives on that foot long? Go for it. Some rusty nails? A little tetanus never hurt nobody, says Subway! 4.) Sleep for Days: Literally. When you’re asleep, it’s a known fact that all of your sad-frownytime receptors turn off and your dream machine turns on. So, basically, yes you’re back at school, but if you cocoon up in bed for a few days you’ll be in happy dreamland fighting dragons and banging Kate Upton, or whatever it is you insane people dream about. 3.) Stylishly Late: It’s the first week back in class and no one wants to be there, so don’t bother showing up to your classes on time like everyone else—they’re all dead inside. Just go with what your heart feels, take your sweet time getting ready and remember what they say, “When you look good, you feel good and when you show up to class on time, you slowly die inside.” 2.) Become an Addict: College is all about trying new things and you know what they say, “A little meth never hurt nobody.” Not into the hard stuff…yet? Maybe one day. But until then, cigarettes will do nicely. No matter the vice you pick, chances are you’ll be more concerned about your disgusting new habits than you are with school starting. 1.) Hunt for Hoes: Nothing soothes the soul quite like a trip to Pleasureville with some easy broad you met during Chillabus Week. Staff wrote this
PARTY PICS
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ON THE STREETS What’s the most college thing you’ve done since you’ve been back on campus? Philip, Senior
“Bars every night, my liver isn’t thanking me.”
James, Sophomore
“Probably wearing the same boxers for a whole week.”
Kieran, Junior
“Sleep. So much sleep.”
06
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Incompetent Elderly Landlord Saved By Aw-Shucks Charm
Following the conclusion of the 2014 Little League World Series, sources close to the athletes involved say that for many of the 11 to 13 year olds, their lives have already reached their highest point.
Staff Wrote This
Despite showing a complete inability to perform even the most basic upkeep tasks, reports indicate that West Lafayette-area landlord Bob Cunningham continues to avoid repercussions thanks to his old-timey sensibility and aw-shucks charm. Cunningham, 82, owns several properties in locations such as Westminster Court and Barlow Street. “He asked us not to put any of our cars in the driveway so he could put down new gravel, but he didn’t get around to it for two weeks. Then he just dumped a bag of it in one spot,” said junior Rebecca Greene. “At first I was so mad, but when I went up to him to complain and saw him staring wondrously at an iPhone screen all the hate melted away.” Sources say that while Cunningham has allowed serious plumbing and structural issues to go unresolved for months at a time, his nearly childlike inability to comprehend seemingly simple facets of the world around him disarms and enchants his tenants. “The water was off for three days because he forgot to send the check to the city, but then he told me I reminded him of his son and next
SEVERAL CHILDREN’S LIVES PEAK AS LITTLE LEAGUE WORLD SERIES COMES TO A CLOSE “Oh for sure, this was my son Cole’s moment in the sun,” said Tracy Hammond. “He reached puberty before the other kids, which helped with this, but soon they’ll all catch up. And Cole’s no brainiac.” Although studies have shown that some of these ballplayers grow up to achieve bigger and better things, the vast majority of them have nowhere to go but down after being put on such a prominent international stage. Tré Barnes agreed, stating, “Look, it’s not like I’m going to flame out or anything, but even a comfortable full-time job falls well short of what I’ve experienced these past few weeks. I’m not going to be President, and that’s fine. Now I just have to steel myself for decades of sub-prime living.”
thing I know, I’m buying us milkshakes,” recalled senior Jeremiah Favuzza. “I’m not actually sure what happened.” West Lafayette Police Chief Dante Coleman shared a “funny, classic Cunningham” story from a few years back. “I was on patrol when I passed by Bob, some blood around his ankles for some reason, standing near a tree line burying something. ‘Hey Bob, what are you up to now?’ And he finished patting down a mound of dirt with his shovel and says ‘Well, what does it look like?’ and we start laughing and laughing and…. Huh. For some reason, that seemed to make more sense at the time. Because now it kind of sounds like, um… “Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit, oh shit,” Coleman said.
“We went to the title game and were featured on international television multiple times,” says Japanese national team member Ren Suzuki. “Where can you go from there? For me, it was back to school, which will be followed by college, after which I will take a job at the company where my father works, and where I will labor away until I die and my son replaces me in turn.” “I got Cole some ice cream on the way back from Williamsport,” said Hammond. “Hopefully it will cool any expectations he might have for future grandeur and be yummy, too.” Staff Wrote This
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BARTENDER of the WEEK Relationship Status: Single
Give us a bit of advice for incoming freshmen: Meet people, embrace the dining courts, and Boiler Up!
Major: Management Favorite Drink: Bud Light
What is, like, so 2012?: I don’t know? Presidential Elections?
Favorite Shot: Hennessy Disgusting Drink: Fireball
What would you trade for two more weeks of summer?: A Klondike Bar.
What’s the best back to school drink?: Since it is still summer may as well keep enjoying Leinenkugel’s Summer Shandy.
What malicious rumor would you like us to spread about your mortal enemy?: That they went to IU.
What song are you most excited to hear 1,000 times the first month of school?: “Fancy” by Iggy Azalea. That bass line.
If you were Spider President for a day, what kind of tarantu-laws would you enact?: I don’t even know what this means.
Four words to describe Purdue’s football season: Will we finish last?
Why should people read The Black Sheep?: Because it offers a different perspective on college life, and because they people running it are awesome.
NICK of APPLEBEE’S
THE DRINKING GAME SLURRED SYLLABUS It may be time to start school again...but in the same breath, it’s always time to tackle a handle of whiskey on your own. Everyone and their mother knows you’re never going to read your syllabus until you need to prove your professor wrong, so we thought you could use some motivation. Saddle up for what’s left of Syllabus Week with us and take a whack at our syllabus challenge: What You’ll Need: A copy of your syllabus (c’mon, you can find it!), and a handle of whiskey. Number of Players: Just yourself, brother. Level of Intoxication: Enough to turn Syllabus Week into Syllabus Month. How to Play: This game is
short, but it requires you to go all-in. You’ll need to read through your syllabus and take a stiff drink every time one of the following things happens. Drink When: - One of your required texts cost more money than you make in a semester. - You finally muster up the courage to buy a book for class and find out it’s the wrong edition. - Your professor’s name has no vowels. - You have to look up the building where your class is, fully knowing you’ll never see the inside anyway. - You read about the university’s cheating policy and briefly consider morals before concluding: “Fuck it.” - The professor requires you
to attend every lecture and discussion section, despite how many Irish car-bombs you did with that fat homeless dude outside of the bar. - You try to count how many assignments you have throughout the semester for each class when your eyes roll back into your head, and somehow you end up on YouTube watching replays from the VMAs and you’re back to square one. *Drink in Celebration and You Win the Game If: You get lucky as SHIT and all of your midterms are “takehome tests.” THERE IS A GOD. The Game Ends When: You finally blossom into the true alcoholic you are and must drop out of the university to get some help.
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RECIPE FOR DISASTER THE “OH S***, I FORGOT HOW TO COOK” STIR-FRY Welcome back to school! You’ve spent the past three months receiving home-cooked meals from mommy and daddy, but now it’s time to get a nice, fresh slap in the face from reality: It’s time to start cooking for yourself again. This is always a difficult transition for any college student, but we’re here to help with some homemade stir fry. What You’ll Need: WHATEVER IS EDIBLE AND WITHIN 20 FEET. What We Used: 2 packages of ramen noodles, ½ lbs. of ground beef, 2 cups of rice, all the broccoli from a HungryMan TV Dinner. Fatty Factor: Write your will now, who knows if you’ll make it out of this one alive. Let’s Get Baked: - Start by heating up your stove-top pan.
- Once you realized you forgot to defrost the meat, put a large cup of water in the microwave for two minutes and place the meat inside the cup to defrost within minutes. Problem solved. - Take your half-cooked meat and flop it on your lukewarm pan. Let it simmer for about six minutes. - MULTI-TASK: Cook your rice in the microwave (you can even use the same cup of water to save time) while your meat cooks on the stove. - You’ll want to begin cooking your ramen noodles in a pot next to your pan. Let the noodles boil for about three minutes and then drain the water from the noodles. - Using the same pot, put your broccoli from your Hungry-Man box in and boil until cooked to a desirable texture.
- By this point your meat should be done on the stove-top, place everything in a bowl and stir wildly with a large spoon. - You’ll want to dump as much salt on this as possible. It will both protect you from any errors in cooking by masking the taste, as well as soaking up any extra water that may have not been fully drained. - Before you eat, make sure there’s someone to supervise you while you consume your dinner. You may need someone there to call 9-1-1. Without mom and dad around, things can get pretty tough. But with cooking tips like these, you’ll find it easy to fend for yourself without your parents guiding hand. Just remember: Cooking’s not difficult, it’s all about your perspective on the final product.
NOMNOMNOM AT THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM
What Does Your Tailgating Beverage
Say About You? By: Brendan With the college football season finally here, college students the country over will be setting up folding tables, collapsible pavilions, and coolers of ice-cold drinks to tailgate before they take in an amazing victory against formidable opponents or a shameful defeat against some guys who totally cheated. But, most importantly, there will be drinks. So many drinks. Drinks of all varieties, colors and flavors. So, what do you drink when you’re tailgating, and more importantly, what does that say about you?
Tailgating Beverages
Drink: Keystone Light Class of Crap: The Cheapest Generic Cans Around Generic Personality Stereotype: Standard College Student Thirty Seconds With this Person: “Then my mom was like, ‘Justin, you have to get a job if you’re going to be spending all of this money going out each week, your father and I can’t afford all of this, he sold that Corvette for you to go here and that was his prized possession.’ I was all, ‘but mom, I’m taking 16 credit hours this semester, and then I’m the treasurer of my frat and if I’m studying too that’s another 16 hours a week—total lie, by the way—and that’s like 40 hours. If college is preparing me for working in the real world shouldn’t I be working like 40 hours a week, LIKE I AM, MOM?’ She cried a little bit, but hey, afterward she put $200 into my account and yeah, that’s how I got this case.”
Drink: Budweiser Class of Crap: Dad’s Coming to Visit, and He’s Bringing His Friend Bud Generic Personality Stereotype: Football Fanatic Thirty Seconds With this Person: “Yeah, I went to my first game here back in ’97 when we were ranked and we had those national title hopes. Dad brought me when mom was still around. Now that he lives out of state these games are a real bonding session for us. He let me have my first beer here when I was twelve as long as I promised not to tell mom that he’d let me do it. It bums me out sometimes when he brings his new wife Karen and it’s less of a him-and-me thing, but he’ll always bring a case of the good stuff so we can drink and talk about the old times and stuff. Karen doesn’t understand a lot of those stories, but she’s deaf in one ear from spending all that time on the road with Def Leppard, so maybe she just doesn’t hear the good parts.”
Drink: Dogfish Head 90 Minute IPA
Drink: Yellowtail Shiraz
Class of Crap: What Are We Even Doing at This Game, Liam?
Class of Crap: High-Octane Fun Juice
Generic Personality Stereotype: Prefers European Football
Generic Personality Stereotype: Sorority Super-Senior
Thirty Seconds With this Person: “And this is just something most university kids over here do, right? That’s neat, I guess. Back overseas we do a similar thing with our football—hah, you chaps have it all wrong, you know that right?—but it’s all about club stuff. We’ll get pretty on the piss and just holler at the other fans until we’re hoarse. You guys, we saw a kid with, Liam, what is it called, a ‘beer bong?’ A novelty, certainly. The guy doing it, though, he spit out half of his beer! This one, this beer was $4 just for a single one, but I do suppose that entire 30-pack of beer was something like, $12, aye?”
Drink: Whiskey and Coke Class of Crap: Beer is Gross, but Drinking Outside is Fun. Generic Personality Stereotype: Yet-to-beIndoctrinated Freshman Thirty Seconds With this Person: “College, bro! College! Can you believe this shit? Like, I haven’t talked to my parents in two weeks and that kid over there is drinking in public and that kid over there is drinking in public and that kid over there is drinking in public and it’s like, HOLY CRAP! Don’t tell anyone, but there’s some Jack in this Coke—my roommate’s older sister got it for us. I figured, man, beer is way too bitter for me and I wanna keep this buzz I got on the DL in case the cops come by. Brian’s around here somewhere with an empty water bottle filled with the rest of our bottle, we’re gonna try to sneak it into the game so we can keep drinking. Can you believe this? THIS IS COLLEGE-- I LOVE COLLEGE.”
Thirty Seconds With this Person: “Seeing all those little froshies rushing was just like, ‘hand over the red and the white,’ you know? They were so bright-eyed and bushy-tailed and I’m walking in the back door of the house five minutes late reeking of Marlboro Lights and Kevin’s body wash. Another year of that shit, so when this tailgate came up I was like, ‘Yes, get me out of that world for like, fifteen minutes.’ Actually, I’m pretty done with this whole college thing—I wish I woulda just come in as a comm. major, but my parents really pushed me to do pre-med and now all I really know is that I better get a job in New York, or the cirrhosis of this liver is happening sooner rather than later.”
Drink: Smirnoff Iced Cake Class of Crap: Who Cares About the Game? Generic Personality Stereotype: Shit-Show Showoff Thirty Seconds With this Person: “Listen, I don’t want to throw up now, but I definitely plan on throwing up later. Hey, wait is that Brianna over there? Hold on a sec—Brianna…BRIANNA! HEY BETCH HOW YOU DOIN’? Wanna take a pull of this Smirnoff? No? You’re good? Ok, but I’m gonna do one real quick here. ::takes huge pull:: Anyway, yeah, I mean what’s the point of getting up at 7:30a.m. if I can’t just get a quick vom sesh in, bomb out during this boringas-hell game, then do it all again later, right? ::burps:: Ew, that one was a little pukey, doesn’t mix with cake at all. Who are we playing today, the Touchdowns or something?”
THE BACK PAGE
Find the Sheep: Tailgating Edition!
THE BACK TO SCHOOL MADLIB The alarm on your phone sounds the same, but the sun is in the wrong side of the sky—you’re used to waking up at __1__p.m., just in time to begin sipping __2__ with the __3__ back home. No more, though, you roll out of bed, throw on whatever doesn’t smell like __4__and head out for the first class of the new semester. It’s __5__, right? No, wait, is it __6__? And where the hell is __7__? You’ve been here __8__ years and you’ve never heard of the place. And then, yeah, of course the line for coffee at __9__ is as long as a __10__. Waiting for your __11__, you see __12__, who you used to bang, but totally didn’t call before you unceremoniously left town last spring. You stealthily duck behind a guy wearing a __13__and you go unseen, you glorious bastard. Finally at __14__, you search frantically for Room 225, which, of course is not on the second floor. Stumbling in, smelly, late and hate-filled, you realize that this isn’t __15__ at all, it’s __16__. You stand stunned. Did, you…uh… sign up for this class? The professor stares at you, __17__. Whether this is your class or not, you __18__take a seat in the front row. Sipping your beverage, you silently admit to yourself it’s going to be a long semester.
CLUE BANK 1) Time 2) Delicious summer beverage 3) Slang for “friends” 4) Gross-smelling thing 5) Class you’re taking 6) Another class you’re taking 7) Academic building 8) Number 9) Favorite campus coffee place 10) Long thing 11) Coffee order 12) Person 13) Silly kind of hat 14) Same as 7 15) Same as 6 16) Bad class to take 17) Emotion 18) Embarrassed adverb
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