Purdue - Issue 2 - 9/11/2014 by The Black Sheep

Volume 3

The Black Sheep

FR PRO EE! LI BAB KE A LY S TAT HOU TOO L D N YO U ’T G ET.

The College Newspaper That's Actually About College

Issue 2

Pervy Purdue Pete Peeks at Yik Yak Josh H. wrote this Yo, Petey here. Are you on Yik Yak yet, bruh? If not, allow me to explain. Yik Yak is like the Wild West of social media. Anonymous posts that are specific to your geographical area show up on a timeline. You don’t know who made these posts or why, but you do know how popular each post is thanks to a karma system. Since Yik Yak is specific to your area, I decided to find some of the sexiest Purdue Yaks, and share them with to Purdue’s uninitiated. “To whoever left the dildo in the laundry room: you left your dildo in the laundry room.” Wow. So many questions here. Was this a dorm laundry room? If so, I need to head back to Owen to do some laundry ASAP. Was this a lady’s dildo? Was this lady attractive? WAS THE DILDO USED? WHO IS USING A DILDO IN THE LAUNDRY ROOM TWO WEEKS INTO CLASSES? I’d like to imagine an awkward freshman engineering student found said dildo, and the above Yak was all he could process. “I stare at the bell tower from my bedroom window and press my bare nipples against the cold glass. I am one with the campus.” DAMN! Girl, can I get your number?! Oh, shit, what if this is a guy? Eh, I still want his number. “Just had sex!!!” CONGRATS! God, am I the only one on this campus who isn’t getting laid? Hey freshmen girls, LET ME HOLLA AT YAH! I’ve got a studio apartment, beer, and semi-promising career prospects. Wait, where was I? “Thought about going home this weekend but then I remembered I like alcohol and half-naked girls.” A few things here from ole’ Pete: Why stop at half-naked? Is that some newfangled fetish freshmen have these days? Is this bro spying on the track team while they run? Does he bring girls home but stops when they’re half-naked? Where is the source of half-naked girls? Bro, if you are reading this please get in contact with me and fill me in on these semi-naked women! “Question of the day…Do I tell me [sic] English teacher I f***ed his sister at the end of the semester?” Hold up. First, get a lesson in pronouns and elementary spelling from said teacher. Unless you’re from Ireland. Then keep referring to yourself as “me.” Secondly how hot was said sister? Sister banging is always a dicey subject, but If I was your TA, I would understand if I had like, a BANGING sister. Seriously, how hot was she? “PUSH thinks it’s doing Purdue a service by handing out free condoms. If they really wanted to help they would pass out free deodorant.”

Awful joke here, shame on whoever wrote this. But, I went into PUSH last week to get some ‘doms for my Friday night, and they tried to charge me! Yeah, it now costs me five points to get my Magnums. FIVE POINTS. HOW DO I EVEN GET POINTS?! I RARELY REMEMBER TO PAY MY BILLS ON TIME HOW AM I GOING TO REMEMBER TO BUY POINTS TO GET CONDOMS? Shame on you Indiana, for simultaneously limiting my easy access to birth control, and yet having a state full of such beautiful people. What do you want me to do, be abstinent?

“THIS IS A PSA: THE AVERAGE PURDUE GIRL DOES NOT HAVE THE ASS TO WEAR HIGH-WAISTED SHORTS. ACKNOWLEDGE THIS.” To whoever wrote this, THANK YOU. Girls, high-wasted shorts are dead. The fashionable amongst you have already moved on to bigger and better things. High-wasted shorts now are in the territory of Aeropostale and Target-tier ladies. STOP. “Will exchange blowjobs for text book money” In all likelihood a dude probably wrote this. BUT IF A LADY DID HIT ME UP. PLEASE.

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PAGES 12-13

STUDENT WHO BROUGHT GUITAR TO PARTY DIES FROM TOO MUCH SEX

FRESHMAN “HELLA STOKED” FOR $40 FIGHT CLUB POSTER

THE BLACK SHEEP INTERVIEWS: SARAH JAFFE

AND AFTER ALL, YOU’RE MY WONDERWALL.

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A FEW MORE WAYS

BEAT OUR CAPTION!

TO KILL SOME TIME.

THE GROSS SEX EUPHEMISM OR SERIAL KILLER NICKNAME GAME!

THE BRIDES IN THE BATH “Jay quietly wondered if today was the day he’s finally pop that zit on his scalp.” Tweet us a better caption and win a prize!

WORD of the WEEK

CATAPPALLED To be so offended by something, one is forced to launch oneself into a stranger’s conversation. Ziev was so catappalled at the discussion between two Holocaust deniers, he couldn’t help but angrily approach them.

The above phrase is either a gross sex euphemism or a serial killer’s nickname. Which is it? Let us know by tweeting us your answer. If you’re right, you’ll win a prize! Check back next week for this week’s answer!

GUESS THE REALITY TV STAR! Whatever your dirty pleasure may be, don’t deny you watch reality TV. Above is an outline of a reality TV star, and below are three clues as to who the person is. Let us know who you think it is by tweeting us your answer. If you’re right, you’ll win a prize!

Was Playboy Playmate of the Month in November, 1980.

Appeared in ZZ Top’s video, “Legs.”

Husband is former MLB pitcher.

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Student Who Brought Guitar to Party Dies

After Having Too Much Sex Staff wrote this

An autopsy released yesterday revealed that Purdue University sophomore Daniel Thompson died of “too much sex” following a party last Friday, September 12th. Thompson, a twentyyear-old chemistry major, brought a guitar to the event and was reportedly swarmed by lusty women. “Thompson’s body was filled with abnormally high levels of testosterone and serotonin, making him what is referred to as a ‘sex machine,’” read the report, which concluded that the proximate cause of dead was “a simultaneous aneurysm of the brain and phallus brought on by overstimulation.” Sources present at the party say that Thompson was “covered in chicks pretty much from start to finish” after walking into the townhouse on Brown Street. “Danny was never really a ladies’ man,” sophomore Alex Chapledaine, and Thompson’s roommate, told The Black Sheep. “But I don’t know, something about that acoustic guitar he got from Goodwill changed things.” A police report of the event details how Thompson entered the party, sat down on a couch, and began strumming a few random chords. After making out with an unidentified partygoer for approximately fifteen minutes, Thompson started playing Third Eye Blind’s “Jumper.” “Thompson’s shirt and pants were ripped off by a throng of ravenous women. In the next thirty minutes, he was pleasured no less than seven times,” wrote Officer Chris DeAngelis. “Fights began to break out among those competing for his attention, including one woman who swung a sledgehammer to create a perimeter around her and Thompson.” DeAngelis goes on to detail the next two

hours of the party, during which Thompson played a few bars of “Santeria,” “Good Riddance (Time of Your Life),” and “Wish You Were Here” between almost unimaginably rapturous sexual congresses. “Several witnesses confirm that Thompson next began playing a song unknown to the other partygoers,” the report continues. “Only after he began singing a few of the lines did those present realize he was doing an acoustic version of Lil Jon and the East Side Boyz’ ‘Get Low.’” “Almost immediately, a mad rush to Thompson’s crotch ensued. Women passing by on the street broke windows to get in, and in one instance a passerby climbed on the roof and used a power saw to carve a hole in the ceiling directly above Thompson. Female birds, squirrels, cats, dogs, and at least one anaconda flooded the house. The residence became so crowded that the north-facing wall was knocked over into a sorority next door, which the sorority members then used as a ramp to run into the living room where Thompson was present.” Wabash Valley Hospital physician Ali Mikita hopes that this tragedy can be used as a teaching moment. “Every year, many young men are tempted to bring a guitar to a party. And sure, it seems great. Attention, adoration, sex; they are virtually guaranteed,” she explained. “But after orgasming ten, twenty, or perhaps dozens of times, it always ends the same way. You’re dead.” “We should count our lucky stars that Thompson did not get a chance to play ‘Wonderwall,’” Mikita said. “Who knows how many may have died then.” The police report also indicates that a junior who played “Over the Rainbow” on a ukulele at the party was treated for minor sexual injuries.

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TOTES THE FUTURE

Purdue Horoscopes (or Something)

ARIES (MARCH 21- APRIL 19): Planning is the key to success. Meditate and figure out your goals. Pull out a pen and paper and write those goals down. Then, throw that paper away because your day’s going to be rough and those goals aren’t going to be accomplished, you lazy piece of shit. Do your parents even make an effort to contact you anymore?

10.) “Umm heres my class list, let me know if we have anything together!”: Yes, because out of the 4,000 people in the Purdue freshman class, you will be able to seek out and identify someone in your lecture in Beering who commented on a two-month-old Facebook post. 9.) “Any cute boys wanna come chill? My roommate is gone all weekend!”: This is a great way to offer yourself to 1,000+ horny Boilermakers who are severely lacking in self-control and morals. Be right back, got to run to PUSH and pick up some essentials (12 condoms for 3 dollars, freshmen). 8.) “Thanks to whoever stole my clothes out of the dryer!”: If you are a girl then hopefully another female stole them and is using them. However if a male stole them, it’s best to assume that they’re either using them to cross-dress, or sitting in the comforting darkness of their dorm rubbing your textiles on their nipples.

TAURUS (APRIL 20- MAY 20): Proactivity. Aptitude. Conceptualize. Synergy. Diplomacy. Sustainability. Elasticity. Synchronize. What?

CANCER (JUNE 21- JULY 22): This month the stars say that you will rely heavily on Aries and Gemini. Taurus or Virgo might also contribute something to your life. You will have a somewhat brief, or not so brief, encounter with Leo, Libra, or Scorpio. And in a fortnight from last fortnight, you will have a saucy meeting with Sagittarius, Capricorn, Aquarius, or Pisces. LEO (JULY 23- AUG. 22): The planets have aligned and one of the BuzzFeed quizzes you take during this lunar cycle will be 100% accurate. Find out “What Food Should You Hook Up With?” or maybe “Which Pair of Jorts Are You?” One of these quizzes holds the answer to your future, be careful which you take. VIRGO (AUG. 23- SEPT. 22): On the twentieth of this month at 4:57 p.m., you will make awkward eye contact with a strange man. You will see that man again two days later at 6:22 p.m.

Dumbest Facebook Posts by the Purdue Class of 2018 Every year when school starts its custom for freshmen to join the new Facebook chat group for their graduating year. It reminds freshmen of the warm embrace of their mother’s womb. The Black Sheep went undercover, infiltrating this closely-knit society to get a glimpse at what sort of moronic motto has infected the minds of our youth. Here are the top ten dumbest things posted by in the WMU Class of 2018 Facebook group.

Libra wrote this

GEMINI (MAY 21- JUNE 20): On the seventeenth day of the ninth month, you will be greeted by someone of your past, present, or future. There will also be an object involved. Dress for the occasion. You never know what doors this encounter could open (or close).

THE TOP TEN

7.) “Why is everyone on my floor so unsocial?”: Well, you might be giving off that bitch vibe people want nothing to do with. Or you’re coming off thirstier than a rabid raccoon that just got done eating a bunch of clams.

At that encounter, this man will slide you an envelope. Do not open it there. Walk to the first bakery you see and open it. Your life will never be the same from here on out. LIBRA (SEPT. 23- OCT. 22): You no longer write shitty articles for a comedy paper. At some point in your life you will meet Amy Poehler. Everyone loves you. You will no longer get lost on campus. You will succeed at everything you set your mind to. Your eyebrow game is on point. SCORPIO (OCT. 23- NOV. 21): You will have an extremely adequate day on a Monday or Wednesday of this month (…or was it Tuesday?). Thursday is also a possibility for this adequate day, but we wouldn’t count out Friday or Sunday either. SAGITTARIUS (NOV. 22DEC. 21): Look before you step. Smell before you taste. Feel before you sit. Invest before you research. Run before you walk. Network and make connections. Branch out. Be yourself. Follow your dreams. Make a friend. Learn something. Eat a sandwich. Stay in. Be cautious. Don’t trust anything vague. CAPPRICORN (DEC. 22JAN. 19): Today’s your day

in finance. Invest in a stable market like bookstores or VCR movie rentals. You’re also going to win the lottery with some combination of 4, 7, 2, 9, 3, 1, 6, 8, or 5. It would be worth your while to buy every combination of these numbers.

6.) “Sometimes I like to go out into the woods and role-play as Groot by sticking tree branches into my bodily cavities.”: What the hell, man? Are you serious? Do we even dare click on your profile photo? 5.) “Umm.. Where r the damn party's?????”: It’s obvious that your elder RA didn’t inform you on the most essential part of college life. Just walk around in the nearby apartment complexes or watch the news to see which area the police recently tear-gassed and head in that direction. 4.) “I’ve got this weird rash on my naughty parts.”: Well you just made yourself a leper, congratulations on gaining a wide berth from everyone. Now nobody is going to touch you. Doctorpatient confidentiality exists for a reason.

AQUARIUS (JAN. 20- FEB. 18): Do not run today. Don’t drive a car, bike, or take any other speedy methods of transportation. If you break the speed of 3 mph, you will have a hex placed on you for seven years, three months, two weeks, four days, thirteen hours, and twentysix minutes. Man was not made to travel such speeds and you’re no exception. PISCES (FEB. 19- MARCH 20): At 4:03 a.m. on the first Friday after you read this, you will start to have strange visions of a mysterious salsa dancer. Three days later at 5:44 p.m., you will walk by a woman dressed in white on the street that will look nothing like the woman in your dream. Stop this woman dressed in white and ask her anything and everything she knows about salsa dancing. At first, she might pretend like she doesn’t know what you’re talking about, but she does. Keep questioning her anyways. Your life depends on the information she reveals.

3.) “I’m a virgin and the other sex’s genitalia terrify me.”: At least you’re being honest. Get a fake, head to Neon Cactus, knock back a few and just dive right in, buddy. 2.) “Uh so yea, weed, man? Anyone know where I could get any?”: Word on the street is that your RA, hall director, and the Purdue PD will hook you up with some shit that smells like Christmas and Bob Marley had a baby. 1.) “There’s a party in my dorm room!.”: Okay, that’s like the CIA telling Fox News “hey bro, we got some ordinance fresh out the factory headed to Russia, you mind broadcasting it all over the world so they can get ready?” Don’t tell all nine hundred of the freaking people in the group that you and other children are consuming illegal things in your room. David Kolesar wrote this

PARTY PICS

Tweet us your #partypics, or send them to pics@theblacksheeponline.com

ON THE STREETS WHAT’S THE MOST REGRETTABLE THING YOU’VE DONE SINCE YOU’VE BEEN BACK AT SCHOOL? Henry

“Made out with my supposed cousin.”

Luke

“Hotbox five nights in a row.”

Alexa

“Attended a Purdue Football game. Woof.”

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5 for $15 Corona and Heineken and Dos Equis $12 Margarita and Mojito Pitchers $2 Tequila Shots $4.25 Long Islands

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FRI.

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$3 Smirnoff, $3 Jim Beam $3 Captain Morgan Drinks

SAT.

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$0.69 Bud Light $0.99 Shocktop $1.20 Johnny Appleseed $1.99 Peoples Drafts

$4.25 Long Islands $3 Shots, $4 Bombs 5 for $12 Domestics $12 Well Pitchers

$3.50 Smirnoff and Captain Morgan, $4 Jacks, $12 Buckets Miller/ Coors, $15 100oz Beer Tube of Miller/Coors Bruce in the Piano Bar 9pm, Live DJ main room

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$5 Miller/Coors Lt. Pitchers $1.50 Double Wells $1 Shots

MON.

$1 Double Wells $1.25 18oz Bud Light Btls 50¢ Rolling Rock Cans $3 U-Call-It Shots

$0.69 Bud Light $0.99 Shocktop $1.20 Johnny Appleseed $1.99 Peoples Drafts

$.50 Wings (Minimum of 6) $3.25 Any Well Drink 5 for $5 Bud Light, Miller Lite, and Coors Light

TUES.

$2 Double Wells $2 Any Draft $1 O-Bombs

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5 for $12 Domestic Beers $10 Sangria Pitcher $4 Redbull Vodkas 6pm – Close, Hooka Freefill (With purchase of an appetizer, one per appetizer)

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PAGE 12 • 9/11/2014 - 9/24/2014 • THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM

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PURDUE FRESHMAN “HELLA STOKED”

FOR $40 FIGHT CLUB POSTER

Purdue’s sidewalk vendors are the perfect place to find movie posters to decorate your new living arrangements. Students of all ages can find college dorm art classics such as: “RastafarianColored Bob Marley Printed Smoking a Joint,” “Fractal Pattern That Kinda Looks Cool Under Black Light #07346,” and “Just The Beatles, I Guess...?” If fine art isn’t your thing, you might be like Purdue freshman and film nut Kyle Nehmert. While holding a $40 poster he told The Black Sheep: “I love all sorts of movies that might not be considered ‘normal.’ I’m hella-stoked over getting ahold of the last available Fight Club poster, and what a price!” Growing up, Nehmert felt different from the rest of his classmates. He believed that, “At the time, I felt like a loser, but really I just hadn’t found the right hyper-masculine entry-level psychological thriller yet.” Nehmert emphasizes that his experiences as a social outcast were not his fault. He insists that, “Movies like Fight Club have taught me that being a man is hard and the best way to deal with that frustration is to pummel my own impotence into others. Also, anarchy is cool.” Like most freshman film buffs, Nehmert has an interesting story from high school regarding Fight Club. Fondly remembering his past, he tells us, “My friends and I started our own fight club in high school. It was just us three, but nobody dared think about messing with us after we all came in with black eyes.” It wasn’t easy for him to find a venue to host the club, however. Nehmert said, “A few minutes in, mom would hear the sounds of our forearms slapping together, so it never got

further than that. She never gave us the chance to show off our best skills.” Decorating your dorm is a great way to demonstrate your individuality. Nehmert tells us that down the hallway, “There were like ten different rooms with those awesome Tibetan prayer flags from Spencer’s Gifts, and I’m into the Noble Eightfold Path as much as any eighteenyear-old searching for enlightenment, so I need some of those myself so I can show that I’m one of them.” Despite his lucky find, Nehmert worries about the purchase, “Yesterday, there was a cooler poster for $60, but someone must have bought it. I’m glad I saved the money, but that means there’s someone out there who has a cooler poster than me. Maybe I should find him and fight him. Actually, that might be cool, maybe we could start a Purdue fight club together, I bet nobody’s ever thought of that before.” He also admits to never having read the novel upon which the movie was based, “After seeing the film, I couldn’t imagine the book being better. Besides, they probably end the same way.” Most of Nehmert’s anxiety came from needing to economize the space in his dorm, “After putting up my Into the Wild and V for Vendetta posters, I might not have enough room for this one.” Nehmert left The Black Sheep with the assertion that there is nothing funny or ironic about him spending $40 for a poster of a movie about anti-capitalism, self-reliance, and anarchy from a street vendor, and then not being able to put it up because he bought too many other posters about anti-capitalism, self-reliance, and anarchy.

Teresa Williams wrote this

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BARTENDER of the WEEK Relationship Status: Single Major: Marketing Favorite Drink: Tequila Sunrise Favorite Shot: Tequila Disgusting Drink: Jizz in a Cup What’s the last drink you had to learn how to make?: Old Fashioned How do you make it?: Bitters, sugar, bourbon, cherry Juice, club soda

CATHY of BROTHER’S THE DRINKING GAME WASTED WALLFLOWER It happens to the best, most popular of us (but mostly you): You end up at a party where you totes don’t know a single soul other than the person you showed up with. It’s ok, sweet, sweet beer is a social lubricant, so post up in a corner and give this game a whirl. You’ll be chatting up the populace in no time. What You’ll Need: A creepin’ corner and a bee-line to the nearest available strong drink. Number of Players: You’re riding solo on this one. Level of Intoxication: Your howling cackle from the corner will draw stares of ire. How to Play: Once you’ve posted up, drink when: - Someone looks like they’re coming to talk to you and oh god make it stop. - Awkward eye contact is established for nary a brief moment. - Another partygoer tries to get past you and you guys do the, “ok, I’ll go this way, no, you’re going that wa—nevermind, ok what way are you going?” thing. - Someone does an over-excited celebration during a more, say…social drinking game. - You witness an obvious flirt move like a hair-brush or an arm-touch. - The person you showed up with half-heartedly motions you to come over and join the gang. - A duo or group offers a celebratory cheers. You celebrate silently. - A group arrives to raucous applause because people actually know them. The Game Ends When: You’re rummed up enough to go have a chit-chat with someone you haven’t yet alienated with your creepshow antics.

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If you had to go down a Slip ‘N Slide lubed with any liquor, what liquor would you choose?: Bud Light, it’s cheap and plentiful.

Mix two animals to make your own spirit animal: Cat and dog. Where have those hands been, missy?: Working behind the bar. Given the opportunity to abolish the existence of one clothing item, what do you choose?: Skinny jeans. What old-timely slang word do you want to bring back to the mainstream?: “YOLO” What sex position most saliently describes the current geopolitical landscape?: Cleveland Steamer Why should people read The Black Sheep?: Because it’s something different!

RECIPE FOR DISASTER “YEAH, I WORKED OUT FOR THE FIRST TWO WEEKS OF SCHOOL” PROTEIN SHAKE Everyone knows that the busiest time of year at the gym is right at the beginning of the semester. But after those first couple weeks, gym attendance drops so low that the only people there are the creepy, meathead basement dwellers. So in order to make your two weeks the most productive they can possibly be, you are going to need this kick-ass protein shake to really enhance your workout. What You’ll Need: A blender, a jar of protein powder, peanut butter, a pound of raw beef, yogurt, oatmeal, almonds, banana, kale, spinach, a carton of eggs, celery, the tears of the people whose asses you are soon to beat. Fatty Factor: Absolutely none. You’re working out so you’re being healthy, duh. Let’s Get Baked: -First, you have to be in your workout attire. Velour tracksuits and sweatbands are a must. -Dump the entire container of protein powder into the blender. That’s 65 servings of straightup protein and because you won’t be returning to the gym after next week, and you have to take as much as you can now. -Grind up the beef with your bare hands, and

mix it all in with the powder. DO NOT COOK THE BEEF, PANSY. -Measure out two cups of peanut butter and dump that in the blender. -Take your carton of eggs and drop all twelve of them into the blender – shell and all. Only pussies crack their eggs. -Dump the rest of your ingredients in, putting the overflow into a second blender if necessary. -Now, it’s time to get blending. Be sure to use the “crush” setting on your blender, and not some bitch setting like “puree” or “stir.” -Once your concoction is mixed, chug it all in one gulp. The sooner it gets in your system, the better. -Vomit profusely in the nearest toilet, sink, or garbage can. You just consumed raw beef and eggs, 65 times the amount of protein you were supposed to have, and a shit ton of other nasty ingredients. You will probably have E. coli or salmonella, and should seek immediate medical treatment. A shake like this is a sure way to guarantee you’ll never step foot in the gym again after those first two weeks. You can thank The Black Sheep for the perfect excuse to be a lazy, out-of-shape blob.

The Black Sheep Interviews: Sarah Jaffe

Singer/songwriter Sarah Jaffe is preparing for her upcoming tour to promote her new album, Donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t Disconnect. Jaffe, although on the verge of being sick before her tour, was generous enough to talk to and answer questions for The Black Sheep.

Katelin Howell wrote this

The Black Sheep: Who influenced you most in your music and forming your unique sound? Sarah Jaffe: I think it’s just a collection of a number of different artists. My parents in particular raised me and my sister on a lot of folk artists, and so that’s the way I started out. I started asking for musical instruments and my mom finally got me a guitar, and that’s the first instrument I started playing. I think I just kind of wanted to emulate those artists that my parents raised us on. I still listen to what we were raised on like James Taylor and Cat Stevens. But now I listen to everything. I still love the classics: Harry Nilsson will always be a favorite. But I also listen to a lot of Top 40 radio and, of course, Radiohead. TBS: Did you teach yourself the guitar? SJ: I did! Yeah! I had no concept of what chords were or anything; I just knew what sounded good together. So, in actuality, when I thought that I was inventing these sounds – like I remember playing a D in particular and I thought that I had invented this new and cool sound on my own. I just didn’t have a concept of what chords or notes were until not too much after. I was self-taught for the most part and I took a few lessons some years later but found out that I had already kind of scrambled and crawled my way to what I was taking lessons for. I already knew most of what was being taught. TBS: How did you go from writing songs for yourself to becoming a performer? SJ: I think it’s the same thing of no real concept in the beginning. There were no preconceived notions of what it all was. I knew from a really, really early age that I wanted to do something. I wanted to create. I was – for the most part – a really strange kid, still am (laughs). I was always making things, and when I got a guitar it just kind of translated well with me. I started writing music instantly, but I didn’t start writing music with the idea of like, “Okay I’m gonna do this.” It’s just when I turned 17, I just had this pretty large group of songs and I was like “I wanna sing them for other people besides my parents,” and my parents were cool enough to take me to this open mic night in Dallas where they had to chaperone me because I wasn’t old enough to get in (laughs). And I just fell in love with it. I liked the idea of writing and having this personal group of stories with you and sharing them with others and relating. So I think I didn’t really know I wanted to perform, I just knew I wanted to do something with music. TBS: You self-released your first EP in 2008, is that correct? SJ: Yes, it’s kind of correct. I was working with a cello player at the time and he kind of helped me find someone to financially support it, so it was kind of like a self-release. TBS: How did that process work? SJ: Well that’s when I first met John Con-

gleton. The cello player that I was playing with who was kind of managing me at the time, Chris Yeomans, introduced me to John and a booking agent pretty early on. John Congleton kind of took me on as, I don’t wanna say “as a favor,” but he was being nice. He didn’t know me, and Chris was kind of bridging the gap. So he wanted to introduce us and it worked out that John and I worked well together. And three years later I would be working on my first full-length record with him. But John just kind of met me where I was at at the time musically. I didn’t really have a band, I didn’t know a lot and I had never been in a studio before to make a record. John just kind of took me under his wing. TBS: Before a show do you have a certain routine that you do before you perform? SJ: I wouldn’t call it a routine. Depending on the show and how much sleep I’ve gotten, there’s usually a certain amount of anxiety and anticipation that goes into each show, and I think a lot of the time I require just a little bit of alone time, just to be by myself for just a few minutes to where I can kind of get out of that mindset of just getting trapped in some sort of nervous – I don’t know what it is. But I tend not to breathe very often before a show (laughs), so I just try to breathe a little bit and just focus on that. But, there’s really no ritual. I like hanging out with my band and sometimes we’ll do a pre-show cheer and stuff like that, but nothing crazy by any means. TBS: Do you still get nervous when you perform? SJ: Every once in a while and it’s kind of unannounced. Sometimes it just shows up and sometimes I’m just surprisingly relaxed and I don’t know what brings that on. I’m sure it’s a number of things: a culmination of how much sleep like I said, if I’ve had anything to eat that day. It could be anything. And certainly, I hate to pin this on being a female, but sometimes being a female you’re quite moody. And especially on the road it can be different each night. I kind of swing back and forth, but I feel like each show I grow a little bit more and get a little bit more confident and definitely confident in the people that I play with. There’s no doubt about that. TBS: What’s the most challenging part about writing a song? SJ: Finishing it! I’ll get really, really stoked on a verse and a chorus and it’s kind of because I’m prematurely excited, I’ll shoot myself in the foot with that emotion and then I can’t get past the first chorus. So sometimes it takes me being in the studio to apply that muchneeded pressure on finishing things. And it takes other people’s creative energy I think at this point, or at least with this record, it took kind of a spirited collaboration. TBS: You had a part on The Blue Umbrella, the Pixar short. How did you get involved in that? SJ: That all came about with the creator of the short, Saschka Unseld. I met

Saschka almost five years ago now, randomly at a show in San Francisco. He came up to me after the show and I was selling merch and we just hit it off immediately. Granted, the merch table can be grounds for really weird conversations, but I just liked him immediately. There was something about him that was kind of enthralling to me. I remember after we were talking he handed me his card and I saw that it had Pixar on it and I was like, “Holy shit!” And like three years later my manager got this email and it was in regards to a short being made and interest being shown on my voice being used with Jon Brion. And I about cried I was so excited because Jon Brion’s a hero, and I found out that it was Saschka. Long story short, we went out to L.A., Saschka and I became dear friends, and we still hang out. When he flies down to Dallas he’ll stay with me. It was one of those things that couldn’t have been more serendipitous. He’s just an amazing person and still we collaborate to this day. But it all came about through him. TBS: When writing a song, do you write the lyrics or the music first? SJ: Usually it takes me being inspired by some sort of melody that I hear for

a song to start. Granted, there have been a few occasions where I have just started writing lyrics or ideas and they kind of, over time, somehow make their way into a song. But usually it starts with something that I’ve been fidgeting with for a period of time and just have recorded, then I start to write a song. So I think it’s more so that it starts with something musical. Like whether it’s a keyboard line or something that I’ve layered with the guitar. But usually it has to be some sort of melody that I start with. TBS: What advice would you give others, like aspiring performers, who might want to get where you are today? SJ: First and foremost you really have to love it. I mean it’s up and down. It’s not what it was even when I first started performing 10 years ago. As far as a business goes, it’s weird, and I still don’t understand it a lot of times. So I kind of try to keep my head out of that because I feel like if I think about the business aspect of it all, my brain will implode. I just love writing. I love playing with a band that I adore, personally and musically. I think you first have to love it because shit’s gonna hit the fan a lot and when it does, you have to see it through and it takes persistence.

My goal, personally, is longevity and I’ll do whatever it takes to continue to be whatever I am. I don’t really see myself the way that others might. I work really, really hard and the team of people that I work with also works really, really hard. And there’s a lot of delusions about what it all is and what it means and I’m just a working-class musician. And I think if you love writing music, then do that! And work at it, practice at it. I think that’s just like anything else. You just have to want to do it and to try and get better. I think that’s really all you can do. TBS: So what’s next for you? SJ: Just supporting the new record, Don’t Disconnect. I’m going out with Astronautalis, a good friend of mine, starting next week. We start in Chicago and make our way up, and quite a bit of touring and coming back home and doing some more shows, but just supporting the new records. TBS: Well, thank you for taking the time to talk to me and I hope you feel better! SJ: It was a pleasure, I appreciate it! Check out Sarah Jaffe’s songs and tour dates on Twitter, Facebook, or her official site.

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