The Black Sheep
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Vol. 1, Issue 3
The College Newspaper That's Actually About College
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11/7/13 - 11/20/13
Student Accepts Grandma’s Friend Request,
Immediately Regrets It BY: Black Sheep Staff
After a month of debate, freshman Brian Pullman accepted his grandmother’s Facebook friend request last week. Over the past seven days, Pullman has experienced the complete destruction of the flawless public image he meticulously crafted over the past decade. “I could have never anticipated that it would get this bad,” Pullman said dejectedly. “My reputation has completely tanked.” The friend request was sent after Pullman’s nineteenth birthday in September and after mounting pressure from his mother, he finally gave in and accepted her request. “She kept calling me asking why Brian hadn’t accepted the request, and I couldn’t take it anymore,” explained Pullman’s mother. “Finally I called him and asked him if that’s what he wanted his grandma’s last memories of him to be.” Pullman called this move a “cheap shot” and ultimately blames his mother for his social decline. “It was only an hour until I started regretting accepting her request,” Pullman said. “She commented “THIS REMINDS ME OF WHEN YOU WORE MY UNDERWEAR :)” on a picture of me in a bathing suit.” The comment currently has 31 likes and appears to be making a resurgence in the past couple days. When pressed to explain himself, Pullman replied, “I slept over at her house when I was five, and I forgot to bring clean underwear. Can we move on please?” Unfortunately for Pullman, the humiliation didn’t end there. Over the following days, his grandmother went through all of his pictures, liking nearly every one that had a girl in it and occasionally commenting, “HOPE YOU
ARE KEEPING IT CLEAN.” Scott Dithery, one of Pullman’s floormates, believes that Mrs. Pullman has revealed who Brian truly is and couldn’t be happier. “I used to be intimidated by that kid, but now he’s not even a blip on my radar,” Dithery said. “Did you hear that he wore his grandma’s panties? Unreal.” “Giving her my email address I the first place resulted in being forwarded stupid pictures and chain emails every day for three years,” Pullman complained. “Now my Newsfeed is cluttered with shared articles like ‘Obama is the Devil’ and ‘Shingles: An Inside Look.’” He reportedly told her he changed emails last year and gave her a fake to divert the spam, which many called “ethically questionable.” Unfortunately, Pullman made the mistake of not un-tagging himself in pictures with alcohol. When his grandmother found them she posted, ”LOOKS LIKE YOU’VE BEEN A BAD LITTLE BOY, BUT I WON’T TELL ON YOU.” Unsure of whether to be thankful that he wasn’t going to be ratted out or to be weirded out by being called a “bad little boy,” Pullman commented, “It just sounds too sexual.” “I also don’t think she knows how to turn off her caps lock, which amazes me since she’s had like 40 hours of computer classes at the library,” reported Pullman. Sources indicate that Mrs. Pullman in fact does know how to use caps lock but opts to use it so she sounds “jazzed” online. We reached out to Mrs. Pullman for answers regarding her Facebook activity. After being hung up on four times, because she was having trouble with her
“iTelephone,” Mrs. Pullman replied with, “I don’t know what all the fuss is about. The Facebook is just for fun! Brian needs lighten up. Oh, this reminds me of the time he peed his pants and cried about it for a week. It was so cute!”
However, the final straw was when his grandmother commented, “IS THIS THE GIRL YOU ALWAYS TALK ABOUT” on approximately 10 pictures of Pullman with various girls. Brian deleted his Facebook yesterday in an attempt to escape the vir-
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page 7
Freshman Gets Caught in Pyramid Scheme
It’s not your fault your roommate’s single
Oh no, not those stupidly amazing knives again!
Confronting your roommate can be hard but, damn, he needs to chill.
Keep Up With Us! @BlackSheep_PU• theblacksheeponline.com
tual hell that has been licking at his heels for the past week. He can only hope that it all blows over and said he will probably reactivate it in a month or so, but he’ll “definitely be defriending that crazy old bat.”
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Bartender of the week Kiley from Brothers thinks a shot of Johnny Blue Label makes any interview better.