Purdue - Issue 5 - 3/13/2014

The Black Sheep

GRE

Vol. 2, Issue 5

THE COLLEGE NEWSPAPER THAT'S ACTUALLY ABOUT COLLEGE

EN

FRE DYE E... LI IN Y KE OUR BEE

R.

3/13/14 - 3/26/14

SPACE JAM 2 LEAKED SCREENPLAY BLACK SHEEP STAFF WROTE THIS After Space Jam’s newly-announced sequel was hyped to monstarnomical proportions weeks ago, it didn’t take long for the internet to do what it does best, which is intrusively hacking the everloving shit out of laptops of Hollywood execs.

Here’s what we found when The Black Sheep stole—er, “discovered” a leaked draft of the sequel’s script: Space Jam 2 INT. UNITED CENTER NIGHT Montage of the 2015 NBA All Star Game in Chicago.

The crowd oohs and aahs as LEBRON JAMES steals a pass and sprints down the court, throwing down his signature wide-outstretched one-handed dunk. The buzzer sounds for the end of the game.

ADAM SILVER, the new NBA commissioner, comes out to center court with a microphone.

ADAM SILVER Despite the tremendous financial success of the league, we’re about to embark on a new format that will make boatloads of money.

The doors to the locker room slam shut just before the players have left the court.

ADAM SILVER As you can see in this fineprint clause in the recent collective bargaining agree-

ment, “The best players in the world will stay in the United Center from now until forever, playing basketball to a soldout crowd 24/7.”

Silver transforms right before their eyes into MR. SWACKHAMMER, the cigar-smoking villain from Space Jam. SWACKHAMER uses his mystical powers to turn the players into dead-eyed basketball zombies who cannot stop playing.

INT. SUBURBAN CHICAGO - DAY DERRICK ROSE groggily sits up in bed and pushes the covers off to look at his knees, running his fingers across multiple scars. He tries to bend his legs, winces in pain and lays back down. The phone rings and he answers.

VOICE D, it’s time to come back. The league needs you.

ROSE I can’t. I’m finished.

VOICE I know your third knee injury was bad enough to send you into retirement, but you’re the only one left who might have a chance to beat them.

The voice explains the predicament with the All-Stars stuck in Chicago, and that Rose needs to assemble a team to beat them, setting the players free from SWACKHAMER’s contract.

ROSE If I’m gonna have any chance, I’ll need your help.

VOICE Those days are over. I can’t help you ... but I know who can.

The man hangs up the phone, and we see 6 NBA Championship rings on his fingers.

BUGS BUNNY, DAFFY DUCK, LOLA, ELMER FUDD, and the whole gang of Looney Tunes show up at ROSE’s front door.

He opens the door and they flood in, cracking jokes about how weird the real world is. In his kitchen, BUGS finds a bag of baby carrots in the fridge and falls in love. PEPE LE PEW grabs a bag of sliced bread.

They all get to practicing on ROSE’s backyard court, and things look grim. ROSE can barely run and none of the Tunes are any good at basketball. DAFFY comes across ESPN The Magazine and discovers the world of sabermetrics. By applying the tenets of advanced statistics like True Shooting Percentage, Player Efficiency Rating, and Percentage of Field Goals Assisted, the team quickly improves into an impressive group that plays smart, unselfish basketball.

They head to the United Center and challenge SWACKHAMMER’s All-Stars to a game.

INT. UNITED CENTER NIGHT In the first five minutes of the game, The Tune Squad is keeping it close, until zombie JOAKIM NOAH commits a flagrant foul on ROSE, badly hurting his knee. The team starts to give up a huge lead.

BUGS calls a timeout.

BUGS BUNNY I have a plan, but I need someone to lead the team until halftime.

Enter BRIAN SCALABRINE.

BRIAN SCALABRINE I GOT THIS. BUGS takes ROSE to Looney Tune Land, where they can bend the normal rules of reality to heal his knee instantly.

Meanwhile, the Tunes have fallen behind by a huge margin at halftime.

With his newly healed knee, ROSE leads a tremendous comeback. In the final seconds, the Tune Squad is down by two.

ROSE dribbles down the court, getting through a double team with an insane crossover-spin-

move combo. He drives to the hoop and takes off from the free throw line. The zombie All-Stars collapse on ROSE, trying to block his dunk. At the last moment, ROSE dishes the ball to the corner, where BUGS catches it and gains the game winning three at the buzzer.

The Tunes celebrate, and the zombie All-Stars regain control of their bodies, joining in on the celebration.

SWACKHAMMER So what, now that you’ve beaten the best players, you

ARE the best players! Now I have you! You have to play here forever!

He starts to put his spell on ROSE and the Tunes, but just then, the Monstars come onto the court and counteract his powers, turning SWACKHAMMER into a zombie who is forced to walk around selling popcorn in the stadium forever.

Watching the game from the upper deck, the man with 6 rings smiles as he takes a sip of his drink from a water bottle labeled “secret stuff.”

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STUDENT ACCEPTS BID TO SATANIC HONOR SOCIETY

TOP 10: WAYS TO GET INTO THE ST. PATTY’S DAY SPIRIT

ST. PATTY’S DAY ADVICE FOR THE GINGER MALE

STUDENT ACCEPTS HIGH HONOR, CREDITS SATAN.

DON SOME GREEN CLOTHES, GRAB A BEER AND GET TO CELEBRATING!

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An offer made to another party with ulterior motives clearly in mind.

The theater majors ended up awkwardly studying xylem for several hours after Bert’s malproposition of, “learning biology together” was misunderstood by Karen.

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STUDENT ACCEPTS PRESTIGIOUS BID TO NATION’S OLDEST SATANIC HONOR SOCIETY BLACK SHEEP STAFF WROTE THIS

West Lafayette, IN..: Purdue student Roland Gundersnake, 21, accepted an honorary invitation from Phi Sigma Satan last month, becoming the first Purdue student to be bestowed with the honor. “It felt pretty awesome,” Gundersnake said. “I’ve worked pretty darn hard these last few years and to be recognized is such an honor.”

job opportunities. “Most people out there hiring will look at a college grad’s resume and not even notice their HS memberships,” Gundersnake said. “They’ll just see a bunch of Greek letters and think ‘not another frat boy.’

But nobody is going to overlook Phi Sigma Satan. There’s just too much gosh darn history.”

Phi Sigma Satan is the nation’s oldest and most respected honor society strictly dedicated to worshipping the Devil. Last year, only three students across the United States received bids from the selective society, and Gundersnake is the first undergrad to ever receive the “Honorary High Mage Summon of the Crow.”

Gundersnake admits that accepting the invitation was easy due to the society’s impressive showmanship. “Typically,” Gundersnake explained, “an honor society will send you a bland envelope and a pricey fee asking you to join. But Phi Sigma Satan really outdid all that. They stuck my invitation in a severed goat’s head and hand delivered it to me in a hearse.”

Gundersnake said he turned down invitations from other, more widely known honor societies to capitalize on the unique

Looking back, Gundersnake says the work he put in to become a member of the enigmatic society was a small price to pay.

04

“I used to sit in the library for whole nights carving pentagrams and sixes into the bathroom stalls,” Gundersnake said, rolling up his shirt sleeves and exposing a “Satan ROCKS my SOCKS” forearm tattoo. “But those days drinking coffee and offering my vending machine candy to the true lord Lucifer are behind me.”

“I’m a full-fledged Crow Mage now.”

According to Phi Sigma Satan’s official webpage, Crow Mage membership is typically reserved for master students graduating in the top eight percent of their class, moreover the minimum GPA requirement is an impressive 3.75. However, “True Crow Mages” the webpage reads, “are not only great students academically, but highly innovative community leaders who become visibly aroused whenever they

preach the Satanic Gospels.”

Arthur VanCentipede, 55, is Phi Sigma Satan’s official chapter president here at Purdue. VanCentipede says the society has yet to be certified by the Association of College Honor Societies, or ACHS. “We’re a recognized entity by the FBI, and have even been asked to appear in a History Channel special on modern day vampires,” VanCentipede said. “But as of right now, we haven’t quite been recognized

by ACHS. Though I assure you, we are a true honor society.”

cieties in America.

Phi Sigma Satan was originally founded in the early 1970s, at Duluth Minnesota. The society offered contentious objector military status for Vietnam draft dodgers and anti-war graduates.

However, over the last forty years Phi Sigma Satan has snowballed into one of the fastest growing theologically centered honor so-

VanCentipede says that declining enrollment, a problem many impressive honor societies face, is not an issue with Phi Sigma Satan. “There hasn’t been a single student to turn down our invitations,” VanCentipede said, nibbling at the tips of his black fingernails. “If a student tries to decline our offers, we possess his

or her soul with demonic spirits.

Our enrollment has never been higher.”

Roland Gundersnake, the Purdue student and newest addition to Phi Sigma Satan, said that declining the offer was never an option. “I serve our true lord, the dark one, gosh darn it all,” he urged, “And I’ll be flippidy dipped if ever get in Satan’s way.”

CURRENT EVENTS

THE

TOP

TEN

WAYS TO GET INTO THE ST. PATRICK’S DAY SPIRIT STAFF WROTE THIS

St. Patty’s Day is here, so it’s time to don some green clothes, pick up a four-leaf clover, and get to celebrating – the Irish way!

UNIVERSITY BOOKSTORES PREPARE FOR ST. PATRICK’S DAY STAFF WROTE THIS With St. Patrick’s Day fast approaching, Purdue’s bookstore has been preparing for its favorite day of the year.

The staff worked hard this past week to fit the occasion.

day in the traditional sense, having moved our Seamus Heaney table to the back to make room for more shot glasses,” said Follett’s general manager Colin McAdams.

Night: 2014 Page a Day Calendar, and the complex Irish romance novel The Game.”

“St. Patrick’s Day is a great day for a bookstore because of Ireland’s rich literary history,” says Holly O’Dowd, the library’s manager. “For example, we always have a table on the ground floor for different themes and genres of books, and for this occasion we’ve made a nice little display for the curious reader looking to learn a bit more about the culture of Ireland.”

Competition between the bookstores has been high since last St. Patrick’s Day, when Follett’s exchanged cases of beer for used textbooks to underage stPurdueents. The Black Sheep was able to get in the middle of the two bookstore employees during a confrontation.

“Irish literature is not nearly as respected as it should be.

The poverty in its history, and its position under another nations’ foot for so many years has left it with the stereotype of unsuccessfulness and alcoholism, which can easily be rectified should people pay the slightest attention to the writings of the true culture of Ireland. Which is why I am so glad the Purdue bookstore is putting on these displays, showing us the true meaning of the Irish people,” said Purdue Irish literature professor Lori Martling.

The table features such Irish classics as The Ultimate Beer Guide, The Ultimate Beer Guide 2, and Butt Chugging for Beginners, both in the paperback version and the 50th anniversary leather-bound cover.

“It’s important for people to understand the history of Ireland and St. Patrick’s Day itself, since so much of its meaning can be lost in the celebrations. It’s why we take such pride in making available these sophisticated backgrounds in Irish culture, like The Lucky Little Leprechaun and The Lucky Charms Puzzle Book,” she added.

While the school bookstore prepares well, the local family-owned competitor Follett’s is not to be outdone.

“We’ve focused more on the fiction Ireland has produced, like the great novels I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell and Assholes Finish First by Tucker Max. We help stPurdueents properly celebrate the holi-

“Follett’s display is alright and Assholes is a personal favorite of mine, but I think they leave out a lot of Ireland’s more somber side,” commented O’Dowd. “There’s a lot of serious literature we have that they don’t, like Bar Fights for Dummies and The Big Book of Hangover Cures, to remind us of all the morning-after’s of Ireland’s history.”

“O’Dowd can shut her filthy mouth,” replied McAdams.

“We have beads. Does she have beads?” he asked, while shaking a fistful of plastic green necklaces. “Plus, she skipped over the entire margarita-recipe genre of Irish literature,” holding a copy of Sugar and Lime Rimjobs. “This book is like Ireland’s Ulysses.”

In response to McAdams’ question, O’Dowd shared, “We in fact do have beads,” as she flaunted her store’s traditional Irish decorum of shamrock sunglasses and headbands, as well as several cardboard cutouts of pint glasses and pots of gold.

“We also dug into the more esoteric annals of Irish literature, like Texts From Last

Purdue itself began preparations for St. Patrick’s Day.

Martling added, “The Art of the Pickup drives to the potato-famine root of the Irish motto, ‘Bros before Hoes.’

And had Chad Bronson never penned Hold My Beer, I Gotta Puke the world might never have understood the meaning, ‘No wifeing in the club.’”

Both bookstores are excited for the upcoming holiday and the corresponding foot traffic. Follett’s is even hosting an Irish coffee-house in Brother’s on Thursday the 13th.

“I’m very excited for the annually renewed interest,” Martling commented. “I’ll be reading a Tucker Max story myself. It captures the classic Irish struggle of getting shitfaced in your quad then trying anal in a supply closet.

I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell is my personal favorite, although I do love Assholes.”

10.) Buy a Case of Guinness: What better way to start off than by partaking in Ireland’s most famous export, Guinness? And while you’re nursing your dry stout, think about the 110,000 Irish children living in households with alcohol-addicted parents.

9.) Rock Out to The Pogues: Play the classic “Fairytale of New York” and marvel at both Kirsty MacColl’s powerful guest vocals and at how a Mexican millionaire was able to get away with murdering her by paying an employee to take the blame and pay a paltry fine in lieu of jail.

8.) Dress Up Like a Leprechaun: Ireland’s most famous mythical figure is a fun way to give a “tip’o’th’hat” to its historic culture. For extra fun, try recreating the part of Irish mythology where leprechauns – literally the descendants of Celtic deities – were conquered and forced to live underground by foreigners.

7.) Eat Some Lucky Charms: Start the day the Irish way with these sugary odes to that favorite accessory of youth, the charm bracelet. Enjoy the memory while it lasts, because thanks to culturallyappropriating brands like Lucky Charms and a 33%+ childhood obesity rate, kids won’t be able to fit the bracelets around their wrists much longer.

6.) Take Advantage of a “Kiss Me, I’m Irish!” Button: Today’s the day everyone gets to feel that famous Irish love! One in four college females will be sexually assaulted during her academic career, 50% of those alcohol related.

5.) Give a Good Jab to the Arm of Someone Wearing Orange: Everyone knows the Irish color is green! Reinforce the traditions that have torn the Emerald Isle apart for 400 years by singling out and inflicting casual violence upon those who may have Protestant sympathies.

4.) Wear a “Luck’o’ th’ Irish” T-Shirt: It’s ok, non-Irish; you can get in on the native spirit too! Get a “wee lil’” bit of the famed luck that led to mass starvation, institutionalized racism, and massacres by the English for yourself.

3.) Eat Some Corned Beef and Cabbage: The traditional Irish meal will give you a much-needed respite between all the empty-stomach drinking you’ve been doing. While you eat and relax with your friends, try discussing how corned beef production produced a source of wealth and nourishment indispensable for the transatlantic slave trade of the English and French.

2.) Attend a Traditional Roman Catholic Latin Mass: As you let the undecipherable words wash over you, think about how the religion that was the sole source of hope for many destitute, semiliterate Irish was also kept inaccessible to them by an impassable language barrier.

1.) Down an Irish Car Bomb: You better drink up, because when you drop that shot of Bailey’s and Jameson into your Guinness, it’ll curdle up quicker than a bomb exploding in an otherwise quiet Belfast street, tearing families and friends apart both emotionally and physically.

AROUND CAMPUS SEND US YOUR PARTY PICS TO PICS@THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM

ON THE STREETS IF YOU HAD A CLONE, WHAT WOULD BE THE WEIRDEST THING YOU’D MAKE IT DO? Carly, Senior

“Make it be my wingman.”

Will, Senior

“I would make my clone streak through a major sporting event.”

Matt, Junior

“I would make it sing with me.”

06

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The Bar Grid SPECIAL NIGHT

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SUNDAYS! $2.50 Double Well Drinks $3 Jagerbombs, $3 Fireball Shots $4 Ultimat Vodka Mixers $4.75 Bud/Bud Light Pitchers $15 Pitcher/Pie

FRIDAY: Bruce Live in Piano Bar 9pm - 2am

TUESDAY: LADIES NIGHT! $0.75 Well Drinks $3.00 Martinis $0.75 Shots

THURS.

$1 O Bombs, $5 Double Jack Daniels, Jack Honey, & SoCo, $2.50 Long Islands, $2.50 Double Wells $11 Fishbowls $2 Fireball Shots

Free Hotdogs & Popcorn at Midnight! $1 Select Shot, $4.25 Fishbowls $4 Ultimat Vodka Mixers $4.75 Coors Light Pitchers $8.75 Blue Moon Pitchers

Thirsty Thursdays! 8pm - 3am 2 DJs & Bruce

Fill Your Mug! $3.00 Well Drinks & Domestic Beers $4.50 Captain Morgan, Smirnoff, Long Islands, & Import Beers

FRI.

$1 O-Bombs $3.25 Three Olives Vodka Mixers $5 Premium Flavored L.I.T’s $4 Double Wells $11 Fishbowls $2 Fireball Shots

Free Hotdogs & Popcorn at Midnight $3 Fireball Shot, $3.25 Miller Lite/ Coors 24oz Drafts, $3.75 Jim Beam/ Red Stag Double Mixers $4 Ultimat Vodka Mixers $4.25 Blue Moon 24oz Drafts

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Happy Hour! Every Friday & Saturday until 11 PM $2.00 ANY Shot $1.50 Double Wells $3.75 Coors Light Pitchers

SAT.

$1 O-Bombs, $5 Premium Flavored L.I.T’s, $3.25 Bacardi Mixers $4 Double Wells $11 Fishbowls $2 Fireball Shots

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SUN.

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Happy Hour ALL Day $2.00 ANY Shot $1.50 Double Wells $3.75 Coors Light Pitchers

MON.

$1 Double Wells $3 Double Jack Daniels, Jack Honey, SoCo, $1.25 18oz Bud Light Btls 50¢ Rolling Rock Cans $3 U-Call-It Shots

Team Trivia @ 9:30pm $1.50 Domestic Bottles $2.50 Bacardi Mixed Drinks, $3.50 LIME-A-RITA/ STRAW-BER-RITA $4 Ultimat Vodka Mixers

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TUES.

$2 Double Wells $2 Any Pint $1 O-Bombs $11 Fishbowls $2 Fireball Shots

Euchre Tournament & Ping Pong @ 8pm $2 Bud/Bud Light Bottles, $2.50 Corona Bottles, $2.50 Margaritas, $1 Select Shot $4 Ultimat Vodka Mixers $15 Pitcher/Pie

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Piano Man 8pm - 3am Check us out on Facebook! fb.com/NeonCactusCountry

LADIES NIGHT! $0.75 Well Drinks $3.00 Martinis $0.75 Shots

WED.

25¢ Wings (9pm- ‘til they’re gone!)

Mild, Ass-Burner, Spicy Garlic & Hawaiian BBQ $1.25 Miller High Life Bottles, $1.50 Double Wells, $4 32oz B.F.D’s

Team Trivia @ 9:30pm $1 Select Shot, $2 Double Well Drinks $3 Baby Guinness & Dirty Sanchez Shots, $4 Ultimat Vodka Mixers $4.75 Bud/Bud Light Pitchers

Get ready for the Weekend!

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FIRST TRANS CEREAL BOX MASCOT GIVES SPEECH AT OWEN HALL BLACK SHEEP STAFF WROTE THIS Owen Hall’s Unit One Program is renowned for bringing artists, performers, writers and other culture makers who you’ve “probably never heard of” to campus.

During their stay, these Guests-in-Residence provide a series of educational programs for dorm-dwellers, keeping them up to date on the music, art and writing that no one else will ever hear about. This week, Owen Hall is excited to announce that their guest is none other than the beloved children’s cereal mascot formerly known as Captain Crunch.

When Garrett was asked if she had been involved in the recent protests on campus against the school board’s decision to cut funding for trans-student healthcare, she gave no comment.

This weekend’s visit marks the very first public appearance since the mascot has come out as transgender. Earlier this week, in a historic moment for LGBT rights and visibility that had soccer mom activists across the country racing to their local Walmart to show support, the mascot came out officially as a trans-woman, who has since officially changed her name to Madam Munch.

“Well, to be honest with you, this is who I’ve always been,” said Munch, “and it’s more than liberating to finally be out in the open with it. I’m thankful for their support.”

“I’ve always been an ally to the trans-community, and I stand with Madam Munch,” said Alina Garrett, a sophomore in gender and women’s studies and resident at Owen Hall. “It was incredibly brave of her to come forward, and I think that Purdue should exclusively offer Captain—sorry—Madam Munch cereals at all of their dining facilities in order to show support.”

Campus reaction to the news has mostly been positive, and Munch’s three events scheduled for this weekend have already sold out. Amongst the campus’ growing excitement, the cartoon mascot has stayed true to herself.

Munch is especially thankful for the individuals who have turned her private life into a marketing campaign. “Everyone close to me has known and supported me for years, but the corporate boys upstairs have been pressuring me for a while now to come out,” Munch said. “Every time another ‘First Openly Gay Basketball Player’ story—you know, ‘First Gay CEO’ or ‘First Lesbian Bus Driver’—would come off the presses, they’d come to me and say, ‘Munch, if you wait too long, and Tony the Tiger or one of those goddamn Crack-Snapple-Pop circle-jerkers beats you to it, you won’t be able to capitalize on it.’ So I thought now was a good a time as ever.”

Quaker Oats, the company behind the household brand, has embraced Munch’s decision to go public. According to a spokesperson for the company, they’re excited to be on board with this exciting economic opportunity, citing growing LGBT support in younger shoppers as a primary incentive to go public with Munch’s gender identity.

“Old transphobic Republicans,” according to one source, “don’t eat Peanut Butter Crunch, anyway.”

That demographic’s cereal choice was traditionally Cheerios, but ever since they aired a not-even-a-littlebit-we-don’t-know-how-the-fuck-anybody-could-

seriously-think-this-is-controversial controversial commercial featuring an interracial couple, studies suggest that old, racist white people have been sticking with Raisin Bran.

Madam Munch’s three events this weekend, while sold out, are rumored to expand audience numbers through ticket raffles and generous donations to the Quaker Oats Corporation. The schedule for the weekend is as follows: Accepting Your Body: Getting to Know Your Square-Shaped Corn/Oat Puffs, What about the Bride of Franken-berry? The Misogyny in Halloween Cereals, and Quaker Oats General Stockholders Conference.

the crossword ACROSS: 2) Jon Bon Jovi’s real last name.

4) This John was a 1930’s bank robber, there’s also a band with his name in the title.

5) A John might refer to someone who is the leader of a group of what?

8) HIs real name is Philip Clapp, the original Jackass.

9) John Cena’s primary occupation is in what?

11) Uncle Jesse, two words.

14) John Madden was the coach of this town’s team when they won the Super Bowl in 1976.

17) The “F” in John F. Kennedy.

famous jo(h)n’s dad in which sitcom.

8) John Mayer is currently dating this pop star, two words.

10) The prominent medical university, Johns what?

12) “Sittin on the John” might refer to sitting on a what?

13) Johnny Cash often sang at this prison.

13) The famous Beatle who sang “Imagine.”

16) We might know this John best as Danny Zuko.

DOWN: 1) The second president of the United States, two words.

3) This John ran against Barack Obama in 2008.

6) Johnny Depp won the Golden Globe for Best Actor in 2008 for which movie, two words?

7) John Goodman is best known for his role as the

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Relationship Status: Single Major: Sociology/psychology Favorite Drink: Jameson

BARTENDER

Favorite Shot: Jameson Disgusting Drink: Water Bartenders who can do cool tricks with bottles and stuff: Yea or nay?: Nay, it’s only cool while yelling “flare” while doing it.

If a superhero movie was made about you, what would be the villain’s name?: Kalee, Chad’s Stalker

ROCKSTAR

What’s the worst thing you’ve ever put in your mouth?: The other end of Nate’s, another bartender, hot dog.

What’s your favorite old-school slang term?: Gnarly What rumor about yourself would you like to start?: That I’m Batman.

OF THE WEEK

What’s one thing you wish everyone would care less about?: Who I sleep with.

When was the last time you danced like no one was watching, loved like you’d never be hurt, or sang like no one was listening?: Every night I work at Jake’s.

Chad of Jake’s

Yoga pants: Overrated, underrated or properly rated?: Underrated, because I love butts.

Why should people read The Black Sheep?: Because I’m in it.

RECIPE for DISASTER

DRINKING GAME Chickens

Guinness Cupcakes

Sitting around at a bar is always a good time, but sometimes talking about last night’s hookup over and over gets … lame. Here’s a quick and easy game you can play at a booth in the bar that doesn’t require much skill or many supplies.

St. Patrick’s Day is right around the corner, and everything’s coming up green. This year, combine everyone’s favorite beer into your favorite after-dinner snack. That’s right, baby: Guinness cupcakes.

What You’ll Need: At least 2 quarters and drinks!

Number of Players: 2 teams of 3 or 4 people each.

Level of Intoxication: A good lil’ buzz.

What You’ll Need: 3 and 1/2 sticks salted butter, 3/4 cup unsweetened cocoa powder, 1 cup Guinness Extra Stout beer, 4 teaspoons vanilla extract, 1 and 1/3 cups granulated sugar, 1 and 1/14 cups flour, 3/4 teaspoon baking soda, 2 large eggs, 3-4 cups powdered sugar, 3-4 tablespoons Irish coffee creamer, 1/3 cup sprinkles and cupcake tin liners.

Cook Time: About an hour.

Fatty Factor: The alcohol cancels it all out.

How to Play: - Split up into teams and sit together on opposite sides of the table.

- One team puts all of their hands under the table and discreetly passes around a quarter between them. The other team sits there and watches (no, it’s not weird).

- When the team without the quarter feels ready, they yell, “Up chickens!” The team with the quarter must stop passing the coin and put their elbows up on the table, making fists.

- The team without the quarter then yells, “Down chickens!” The players must slam their hands down on the table. The goal is for the person with the quarter to slam their hands down without having the coin make a clanging sound on the table.

- The other team now has to try to guess which hand is holding the quarter. If there are only 3 players per team, they get 2 guesses. If there are 4 players, they get 3 guesses. The guess has to be a unanimous decision among the team, so we suggest having a spokesperson.

- If the team finds the quarter, the passing team drinks; if they don’t find the quarter, the guessing team has to drink. Then it’s the other team’s turn!

- Don’t cheat. Don’t hide the quarter under your leg, slide it off the table, etc. You can try to psych out the other team by faking out passes, “strategizing,” whatever.

The Game Ends When: Your hands are bruised and you need more brew.

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Let’s Get Baked: - Get our your sticks of butter and leave them on the counter to soften up.

- Preheat your oven to 350 degrees and a line a cupcake tin with liners.

- In a saucepan, melt 1 and 1/2 sticks of butter and add in the Guinness, 2 teaspoons vanilla extract and the cocoa. After melted and mixed, remove from heat.

- In a bowl, mix together granulated sugar, flour and baking soda. Then pour in the cooled - Guinness/butter mixture and the eggs one at a time. Keep mixing until they’re just combined.

- Divide the batter in the cupcake tin and bake for 22-24 minutes.

- To make the frosting, beat the remaining butter with an electric mixer until smooth.

- Add powdered sugar, coffee creamer and remaining vanilla extract, and beat until medium thickness. Add more powdered sugar if you need to.

- Frost the cooled cupcakes and shake on some sprinkles!

We don’t advise trying to shove these down a beer bong.

NOMNOMNOMNOM THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM

St. pAtty’s Day advice For the ginger male NIC KANAAR WROTE THIS For one night of the year, redheaded men aren’t the butt of every joke, or on the bottom of every woman’s “would never bang” list. It’s a day where the entire town’s main priority is to get irrevocably smashed, and your red mane could be at the center of it all. It’s a night to remember, and after ten hours of drinking, hopefully you will.

Follow the tips on the next page and you’ll celebrate Saint Patrick like he would have wanted: red hot and on fire. Have a drink on us, you “Irish” bastards.

There’s one

glorious day of the year...

...when green beer and social intoxication runs rampant throughout bars across the nation: St. Patty’s Day. Not only does this day promote mind-altering, bone-crushing, party animal behavior, but it also recognizes a group of people not normally celebrated for, well, anything. We’re talking to you, male gingers of America. You deserve a break from the torments brought onto you by your tan, freckle-less, dark-haired peers, yes, you dserve a day when everyone embraces your “uniqueness.” Redheaded women have escaped the teasing that has escalated over the past ten years thanks to the likes of Isla Fisher, Kate Mara, and Jessica Rabbit, but that doesn’t mean a Ginger man can’t rule one very drunk day of the year. This redheaded writer from The Black Sheep has the tips to ensure the ginger gentleman’s St. Patty’s Day includes one hell of a night.

Go Red AND Green: Obviously you’re gonna want to wear a shit-ton of green, but be smart about it. Instead of instinctually covering up your fiery hair with some kind of hat, let your fire burn for the world to see. Everyone who notices you and your hair on St. Patty’s Day is going to assume you’re Irish, and this is the one day you don’t have to deny your potato-humping heritage. Even if you aren’t a man of Celtic persuasion, by exposing your red hair you’ll have more free beer flying at your face then you’ll know what to do with. You’ll be a St. Patty’s Day guest of honor and drunk people will want to pay you a drunken tribute.

Keep that funny hat off and play the Irish role people want you to play. Becoming a novelty happens at a price, and in this case, that price is copious amounts of free booze.

If you’re really committed, which you should be, put on an Irish accent to compliment your green appearance. People enjoy authenticity, so fake that shit. Girls can be suckers for a man with an accent, and what better time to try it out than on a night where people are hammered by noon? With the right amount of practice, any redhead could sound like the foreign strange every girl dreams of. Besides, you could get away with saying anything as long as you emphasize the accent. Instead of getting slapped for saying “top o’ the morning to ya, would you like to sit on my face?” they’ll assume your “Irish” ass is charming.

Don’t Forget Your Lucky Charms: If you’re going to go overboard with the outfit and go full leprechaun, that’s fine too. The Black Sheep suggests you carry a small loot of fake gold coins in your pocket with your phone number etched on each one. Think about it: you walk up the bar wearing green overalls and stand next to some six-foot-tall brunette babe. Order your beer and immediately buy her a drink as well. Before she has time to thank you, flick her one of the gold coins, give her a wink and walk away with as much swagger that your green clogs will allow you. That woman will be balancing your “lucky charms” on her green stained tongue before the nights over.

Speaking of props, this next trick should be done well into the drunken night. We call this one the “Green Jesus,” and it’s easy to execute. Beforehand, head to your local supermarket and purchase a small container of green food coloring. This is what most cheap bars use to give the beer that disturbing yet flavorless greet tint. Target a woman sipping on clear liquor and gather up her female friends to form a crowd. Run your fingers through your red locks and tell them all you are an “Irish Wizard.” Palm the small vile of green dye and hover your hand over her drink allowing a few drops to plummet down into the glass. Quickly pocket the dye, and give the glass a quick shake as you dazzle the crowd with some spirit fingers. As the clear rum suddenly turns green, give the female crowd a slight bow and let the bartender know he’s going to need a mop.

Your Dropkick Murphys: Another important thing to keep in mind as you head out to the festivities is the crew you bring. Like normal, keep your “Ice Man” and “Goose” close to your side as they benefit and help aid your ginger stardom, but not if they too are of the redhead persuasion.

Having more than one bush fire in a group of male friends is a problem in itself, but especially during St. Patty’s Day. Multiple copper heads packed into a crowded bar brings down the rarity, thusly taking away your spotlight as you attempt to do a “jig” on a pool table in hopes of applause. No redhead has ever achieved fame by partnering up with another redhead. And no, Lindsay Lohan in the Parent Trap does not count.

Make your crew of “tanners” celebrate you as well. When people see you enter a party or a bar on top of your friend’s shoulders they’ll know you’re a big deal. Have them all learn some Irish folk songs and even some Irish toasts, you’ll demand attention when your entire crew sings with green beers raised in the air. Once people see how cool having a ginger around on St. Patty’s day is, they’ll be begging to join your gang. Hang a sign off of your tallest friend that reads “no fatties” and let the selection begin. Gather up the town’s hotties and you’re crew will be the center of attention, with your shamrock ass leading the pack.

Get Her Down on your Dublin: The after party is the time to put the icing on the carrot cake. If your newly-acquainted female companion is still hesitant about sleeping with a soulless pale-face, then we have one grand finale to seal the deal. Carefully paint the seven colors of the rainbow on your pink penis for some obvious Irish fun. By decorating your crank, you’re not only showing the girl what’s at the end of the rainbow, but you’re also saying “Hey, I like to have fun.” What kind of paint do you use? We have no idea. The Black Sheep was a little apprehensive about researching penis paints, so we’ll leave that up to you, just get back to us. If the woman is repulsed by your creativeness, then pack in your four-and-a-half inch rainbow, turn off The Wizard of Oz soundtrack you put on for emphasis, and move on to the next potato groupie.

LET’S PLAY ST. PATTY’S DAY BINGO

NUDITY

GREEN BEER

SOMEONE CRYING

SOMEONE ASLEEP

STRIPED SOCKS

A COP

GREEN EGGS OR HAM

A FIGHT

DROPKICK MURPHYS SHIRT

THIS SIGN

PUKE

A DRINKING TICKET

A PADDY WAGON DRUNK OLD MAN

A BEER BONG

GREENMAN

LEPRECHAUN HAT

A WIPEOUT

A MAKEOUT

OUTDOOR PEEING

A BAGS GAME

A DRUNK ASIAN

MARIJUANA PARAPHERNALIA

INDOOR SUNGLASSES

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