Purdue - Issue 6 - 3/27/2014

Vol. 2, Issue 6

The Black Sheep THE COLLEGE NEWSPAPER THAT'S ACTUALLY ABOUT COLLEGE

I U’S

FR INV EE... L ITE IKE TO THE CBI

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3/27/14 - 4/9/14

SQUIRREL FASCINATED

BY HUMANS ON PURDUE CAMPUS BLACK SHEEP STAFF WROTE THIS “Sure, I’d been on plenty of tours of the school before, but this is one of those things that you don’t really notice until you’re here every single day.”

The quote came from Purdue University squirrel Chester, who lives in a tree in front of Cary Quad.

“I mean, it’s actually kind of crazy. I can get so close to them!” Chester explained, “I swear to God I almost touched one once. I reached my hand out, and right as I almost could pet it, it ran off into the dining hall. It’s kind of neat.”

Chester is talking about the humans on campus. Chester noted that he’s seen the mammals wandering around the school in much larger numbers than what he sees back home in rural Indiana. The new interaction is one of the things that Chester loves about the campus.

“I’ve never been that much into nature anyways,” Chester pondered, “But, it’s always been something that I’ve enjoyed looking at when it’s there.”

Much to Chester’s dismay, however, he has noticed that he has not done as much human-watching as he would like to. But, that might have to do with the fact that Chester was busier than ever during the winter.

“Winter was tough,” Chester admitted, “I really procrastinated this year on gathering nuts during the fall, so when it came to the first snowfall, I really had to cram all of my gathering into one night. I’m sure I didn’t get it done as well as I could have, but I got it done.”

The last few weeks on campus have had much warmer temperatures, and Chester couldn’t be happier. He has slowly started to notice an increase in humans walking around.

claims that nearly all of the new squirrels cannot believe how many humans there are out and about. Apparently, the humans are a big hit with Purdue’s squirrel population.

“Seeing people is one of those things that you kind of take for granted.

It’s something I always thought was cool during the first semester, but since second semester started, it’s really rare to see one of them. They’re starting to come back now, which is nice.”

“Yeah, one of my friends is really into them. He’s always taking pictures of them for his Acorngram page. The caption is always something like ’My new big friend on campus’ or something stupid like that.”

It isn’t just Chester that is into getting close to the humans. Chester

Despite the squirrel’s love for humans, Chester notes that he does feel a tinge of jealousy from time to time. He’s noticed that the humans here

seem to have another campus staple in their eye: the university mascot.

“You know, I don’t know what the big deal about that stupid plastic-headed monstrosity is here. But, yet, he’s all on people’s shirts and whatnot.

It’s kind of upsetting. The dominant species at this school is the squirrel, and that should be the mascot, in my opinion.”

Chester admitted that besides humans, he really enjoys looking at the wild turkeys that oftentimes roam just west of campus, but he only stops “if he’s not late for tree-climbing.”

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PAGES 12-13

A CHICK’S GUIDE TO BASEBALL BASICS

STUDENT GAVE UP JESUS FOR LENT, GOING “PRETTY OKAY”

TACO BELL MENU FLOPS: PAST AND PRESENT

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A CHICK’S GUIDE TO BASEBALL BASICS SARA CZARNECKI WROTE THIS

Boilermakers, it’s almost time to get out your baseball caps and wieners! Ladies, if your boyfriend is an American (which, just duh) he’s just as pumped for opening day as the night you let him eat Cheetos during sex. But if you’re like most women, you don’t know shit about baseball other than it includes smoking-hot dudes in tight pants and home plate, which for once, isn’t your vag.

But The Black Sheep has got your back ladies, and we’ll help you to prepare for the tons of ‘girlfriend/ boyfriend time’ called baseball. And we’ll learn you a little something about America’s favorite pastime.

Once you and the guys are sick of the park, just crack open that pint and get ready to be drunk for the next three hours. Yeah dudettes, news flash: BASEBALL HAS NO PREDICTBLE TIME FRAME. If you’re a heavy drinker then jump on that Blue Label, or Popov 100 proof, because it’s going to be a long-ass day.

Clear Your Schedule: First off, baseball is going to consume a lot more time than you’d expect. You’re going to hear random numbers, many numbers.

Those numbers are called statistics and they’re not important to you. Forget about them. Those numbers have no impact on your life. We don’t want you worrying your pretty little head over a player’s RBI.

Don’t Try to Learn the Game: We recommend not asking questions, just talk about how attractive the players are. Also, it’s a great idea to bombard your guy friends with selfies. Just take as many selfies as possible. They’ll love it. Make sure to snap one while you’re shoving a massive hot dog in your mouth, too. It’s cute, and really, it represents how chicks understand America’s pastime.

Enjoy the Eye Candy: Listen up, the professional players your boyfriend will continuously talk about will, in fact, be waaaaay hotter than your actual boyfriend. Your boyfriend will never be as hot as the physical player who plays in games, catches balls, looks tan. We can promise you that.

If anything’s going to get you through baseball season, it’s thinking about all the hot professional players. Imagine them while your boyfriend porks you.

Don’t Speak Baseballese: We can’t stress this enough: Don’t write checks you can’t cash, chicks.

If you don’t know the stats, then just don’t say any number you read on the bathroom wall. If you don’t know any players, don’t say the names of baseball icons who played years ago. You’re going look stupid spouting, “Mark McGuire, Jackie Robinson, Barry Bonds,” and if you happen to mention Sammy Sosa, then F-you. Just, F-you. They don’t play anymore! Also this isn’t a good time to bring up plot themes of Moneyball, or how you admire the game because of The Jackie Robinson Story.

By now, hopefully you’ve realized the true purpose of professional baseball: To give you something to hope for while you screw. If you had any sense at all, you’d demand that your boyfriend bring you to his baseball game man-dates.

Ball Park Etiquette: You broke down your guy

04

friends and now you’re at the game, so now what?

Really, NOW WHAT? If you’re a real Boilermaker girl, you’ll sneak a pint of vodka into the cargo pocket of your friend’s shorts, because that’s what cargo pockets are made for.

Ultimately, just do what you did during football season, stay quiet and root for the appropriate team. Or, for the surefire thing, cheer when you see everyone else cheering. Trust us, you’ll be okay.

Booze always helps. But shit, when doesn’t it?

CURRENT EVENTS

THE

TOP

TEN

GARDENING TIPS RYAN SHEK WROTE THIS

Spring is finally here and that means one thing for college students: It’s gardening season! That’s right; forsythia, perennials, tulips and daisies, now’s the time to get serious if want your patio foliage to outshine your eighty-year-old arthritic neighbor’s. But before you throw on your gardening gloves and hike up your grass-stained pants, cultivate your mind with all The Black Sheep’s gardening knowledge.

10.) Lose the Bird Feeders: There’s no worse thing for a ripening garden than a bunch of freeloading birds. Not only will they eat every last speck of birdseed out of your thirty dollar sack, but they’ll stick around for months just to gobble your strawberries. To rid yourself of society’s most ungracious animal, throw out the feeders and fill your neighbor’s birdbath with a gallon of gasoline. Don’t panic if your neighbor catches you, just take a sip and insist it’s harmless.

IPFW STUDENT CLAIMS

PERFECT BRACKET STAFF WROTE THIS An IPFW student and self-proclaimed basketball expert Kyle Johnson claims to have the created the perfect bracket, and has begun to use his presumed winnings to purchase on credit.

“This bracket is the one,” Johnson told The Black Sheep. “I can just feel the tingle. It starts in my eyes and goes all the way down to my nut sack. This is the one.”

“I’ve done the math, and the chances of getting a perfect bracket are surprisingly high, just check the numbers, really. There’s a pretty simple formula to it all, I’m just surprised no one has ever thought of it before.” We assured Johnson that the odds are still, in fact, incredibly low.

“Ha! Maybe to you amateurs,” he said. “At first I had a system. I can’t reveal the details, but it involved marathons of Full House, and a lot of ganja.”

Johnson looked at himself in the mirror, “I figured, ‘Kyle, you know your shit, why not just pick them games using your basketball-filled brain?’I know more about college basketball than Kirk Herbstreit and Mel Kiper put together.”

“It’s really just all about points,” Johnson noted. “The fact of the matter is, if you score more points than the other team, you’re going to win the game about 90 percent of the time.”

“Defense is a big part of it all too,” he preached. “Usually, if the other team doesn’t score much, your team has a pretty good chance at winning,” he continued to state rudimentary basketball knowledge.

“If you hold them to under 30 points, you automatically win, kind of like catching the snitch in Harry Potter. Oh, and if you’re down by more than a dozen points with less than three minutes left on the clock, your coach gets to ride around on a Zamboni on the court. It’s a pretty good defense, I think.”

“This is really the year to do a perfect bracket too, because if you do it, which I will, Jimmy Buffett will give you a billion dollars. I had no idea he was worth that much, but I totally respect that he’s doing it. ‘Cheeseburger in Paradise’ is my jam, man.” Johnson set down his spliff, “A hamburger with jam on it…” he pondered for a second, “I dunno about that one.”

Johnson is so confident, he is already spending money that, statistically, he’ll never see.

“That billion dollars is going to be awesome when I actually win it. I’ll probably just spend most of it on basketball-related stuff, maybe go to lunch with a few Purdue football recruits,” he said.

“Oh, and buy some quaaludes, I’ve wanted to do that since I saw The Wolf of Wall Street.”

Johnson seemed certain he would succeed in this gamble, stating, “I’ll tell you one thing, this isn’t going to be like the time I bought $5,000 dollars worth of Groupon stock. In fact, I’m so confident about the perfection of my bracket, if I’m somehow wrong, which I won’t be, I’ll lick the floor of the men’s bathroom at Brother’s.”

Update: After the first day of games, Johnson’s bracket was a dismal 4 for 32, and he has since withdrawn from his bracket group. We have been unable to contact him, and the men’s bathroom at Brother’s still remains visibly unlicked.

9.) Prep the Soil: If you’ve already cleared a garden and planted seeds, then check for growth and get ready for a bloom. If not, grab an old-school rake and get busy. Dig up big patches of grass alongside your deck, and when your roommates get home, prance over the dirt like an Indian hunting water buffalo. That way, when they ask just what in the crusty fuck you’re doing to their lawn you can say, “It’s Mother Earth, she grows and I weep.”

8.) Mulch Away: Now that you’ve got clear land, you’ll need to know what weeds love. Dirt. Cover that awful dirt with some mulch, but don’t purchase biodegradable ground leaves or bark. That’s a cheap, eco-friendly option that will have everyone questioning your garden’s seriousness. Instead, buy the rubber mulch recycled from old tires and try to imagine the color contrasts. You’ll blow everyone away with all the beauty and terrible playground smells.

7.) Take a Break: You’ve just dug up and mulched your entire garden and assured its protection from whole generations of ravenous birds. Go ahead and drink a beer.

6.) Take a Nap: Drinking beer can leave you sleepy and bloated, and according to the U.S. Surgeon General, consumption of alcohol impairs your ability to operate gardening machinery and may cause health problems. So go ahead and sleep this one off, you’ve earned it, tiger.

5.) Plant Some Veggies: If you want vegetables in the summer and don’t want to spend sixty cents a pound for tomatoes, then go ahead and start planting now. If you’re the kind of person who thinks gardens are reserved for aesthetically pleasing flowers, then heed this: Every garden needs a utilitarian plant. Even though a head of broccoli looks an awful lot like the green tip of an alien’s dick, it’s a nutritious, delicious treat and could even score you some drug money if you were to sell it in bulk.

4.) Plant Eggplants: Do you even know what an eggplant looks like? Well, Google it, and then say you wouldn’t want those silly things growing just outside your window. Think of all the fun you could have throwing those purple swollen sweeties at stray neighborhood cats.

3.) Buy Flowers or Something: Hey, gardens need flowers, right? Go down to the nearest hardware store greenhouse and buy everything you can: daises, lilies, catmint, coneflowers, forget-menots, whatever. As the old saying goes, “the world is your oyster, plant it, and watch it grow.”

2.) Leave the Flowers on Your Deck: Shit, you still have to plant those flowers. Ah, you can just get to it tomorrow. The game’s on and the flowers don’t look half bad in their little black lugs. If your roommates hassle you, remind them that a deck full of unplanted daisies is still twice as beautiful as a deck full of empty pizza boxes and Keystone Lights. Of course, someone is going to have to do something about all that empty deck space…

1.) Drink Keystone Lights, and Try Again Next Year: Hey, you weren’t just going to watch all that empty deck space go to waste, were you? Crack open a can of something smooth, and toss all those empty cans aside.

Eat pizza and add some cardboard treasure to the growing mounds of sparkling blue aluminum. By late spring those daises will have grown out of their little lugs and into their quiet deaths, but luckily, you’ll still have one impressive, smelly, recycled-tire-mulch garden to look at.

05

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ON THE STREETS

WHAT ARE YOU THE PATRON SAINT OF? Dom

“Bad decisions.”

Taylor

“Tequila.”

Michael

“Bad dancing.”

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STUDENT WHO GAVE UP JESUS FOR LENT SAYS IT’S GOING “PRETTY OKAY, ACTUALLY” STAFF WROTE THIS Midway through Lent, junior Stella McGivern is “doing fine,” as she works through her decision to give up Jesus for Lent. After contemplating between whether to give up checking her Yahoo Shine horoscope or not, she decided to make the ultimate sacrifice: giving up Jesus. Being a lifelong Catholic, this was initially a giant change for her; however, she has allegedly been doing “just fine, totally” and that her life has been “exponentially better than how it was with Jesus.”

Her heritage goes back to medieval Ireland, where her Catholic roots originated.

“My family’s been devoutly Catholic since forever, like back when people used to shit in buckets and stuff,” she explained.

“We’ve always been especially serious about Lent—we celebrate it every month.”

Thus far, McGivern has participated in 263 months of Lent, beginning from when she was a fetus. She was beginning to run out of things to give up, as chocolate, reality TV and three of her six toes are all out of the question. McGivern rationalized her decision to drop Jesus, saying: “I wanted

to give up something that was significant to me, just to show how committed I am to this thing. Also, I need to know which Arab Spring dictator I am, so giving up Buzzfeed quizzes won’t be possible at this time.”

"She has reportedly found this to be absolutely freeing, revealing that 'being a good Samaritan kinda sucked.'”

As an alternative to her Christian faith, she first dabbled in Scientology; however, after reminding herself that you had to make at least $3 million per year to be a Scientologist, she ended up switching to full-blown atheism. She has reportedly found this to be absolutely freeing, revealing that “being a good Samaritan kinda sucked.”

“I think she’s having a little too much fun with this,” commented Remus McGivern, her father. “She keeps saying things like, ‘We shouldn’t be hampered by traditional notions of religion,’ and ‘Where was God when Grandma fell into that industrial furnace, huh?’ We didn’t raise her to be this demon-child without values.”

“I’ve just been stressing the importance of the individual and our independent choices,” she responded defiantly. “You don’t need a higher power to tell you how to live your life. So far, I’ve gotten like, six abortions in the past couple of weeks. It’s been awesome!” She then proceeded to steal a Twix bar from a small child, which was like, so atheist of her.

Luckily, we were able to get a word from The Man himself, Jesus Christ. When McGivern’s name was brought up, He rolled his eyes.

“Whatever. Let’s be honest, it isn’t much of a loss now, is it? She used to be okay, but like a week ago, I saw her taking Jell-O shots in a public restroom. Her life’s clearly

going downhill without Me, but it’s her choice. I don’t want to be involved with that hot mess. Anyway, I’m going to go deal with Syria now or something,” Jesus said. “The devil can take that bitch, like honestly.”

Pope Francis stepped in, claiming that “He didn’t really mean that, now did you, babe?” According to bystanders, he alleg-

edly shot a furtive glance to Christ, whispering something about “how we have like, five fucking followers right now, so like, let’s not talk shit about them, okay?”

According to McGivern, this has been the most liberating experience of her life; she plans to stay atheist. As part of her spiritual journey, she hopes to tackle radical feminism in the near future.

09

the wordsearch

sonic menu items

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Relationship Status: Single Major: Mass Communication Favorite Drink: AMF

BARTENDER

Favorite Shot: Honey badger Disgusting Drink: Anything gin How often do you have to deal with nudity as part of your job?: Once Tell us what happened: A stripper came into the bar and was exposing herself to everyone around her.

ROCKSTAR

What’s the best go-to dance move?: Anything you can do drunk because you don’t have to remember.

Like, what trends do you expect to be totes fetch this spring?: Anything Miley would wear.

Who is the best drunk in media history?: Blake Shelton, because he has no filter and always drunk tweets.

OF THE WEEK

What do you want to be when you grow up?: Giuliana Rancic The winner of this year’s NCAA Tournament is: Purdue, hands down.

Katrina of Brothers

What’s the most sensuous thing about the lost art of sensuality?: Foreplay Why should people read The Black Sheep?: Because it’s entertaining and different, not just about campus.

RECIPE for DISASTER

DRINKING GAME Pennies

Cheesy Taco Buns

Look, laundry week really socked it to ya, and it’s not like you’re breaking into numismatic collection just to entertain your roommates. Pennies, it is! You do have some of those, right? Stack ‘em up and have at it.

We’re going to take a wild guess here and assume you’re still hungover from spring break, yes?

After all those long, hard hours of getting swole at the gym and not putting ranch on everything, your sexy bod is now a gallon of digesting tequila and inauthentic Mexican food. Don’t beat yourself up, just think about everything LiLo has gone through. So since you don’t need to have a bikini body for another two months, treat yourself with more cheese and more carbs.

What You’ll Need: Pennies. Lots and lots of pennies.

Number of Players: Two Level of Intoxication: Hey, Lincoln indulged in a belt of whiskey once in a while.

How to Play: - Both players assemble a stack of ten pennies in front of them.

- Players take turns sliding pennies across the table, attempting to knock down his opponent’s stack.

- Each time a player fails to knock down his opponent’s stack, add that penny to the top of the opponent’s stack.

- If a player misses his opponent’s stack entirely, he must drink one.

- If a player hits his opponent’s stack but fails to knock it over, he must drink two drinks.

- If the penny used by the shooter stops and remains in contact with his opponent’s stack, the shooter must drink three drinks.

- If a player manages to topple his opponent’s stack, the loser must drink the same number of drinks as there are pennies on the winner’s stack.

The Game Ends When: John Wilkes Booth shows up. : (((((((((((((((((

DOWNLOAD OUR FREE APP FOR ALL THE GAMES!

What You Need: 1 tube of biscuit dough, 1lb. ground beef, 1 packet of taco seasoning, 1/2 cup of salsa, 1 (or much, much more) cup shredded cheddar cheese, 1 8oz. package of cream cheese, 4 tablespoons melted butter.

Cook Time: All in all, about 30 minutes. Enough time to do some squats.

Fatty Factor: You will definitely feel it in your buns.

Let’s Get Baked: - Cook up the ground beef, making sure to drain the grease every now and again.

- Add the taco seasoning as directed on the packet.

- In a bowl, mix together the salsa and cream cheese.

- On a greased baking sheet, roll out the biscuits so they are flat and somewhat thin.

- Spread about 1 tbsp. of the cream cheese mixture onto the biscuit.

- Put a spoonful of ground beef onto the cream cheese mixture.

- Finally, sprinkle a bit of shredded cheese on top.

- Seal the edges, and brush the tops of biscuits with melted butter.

- Bake at 350 degrees for 13-16 minutes, or until tops are lightly browned.

- Optional: Dip that shit in ranch, you deserve it.

Why go to a third-world country for a butt implant when you can just eat, like, 1000 of these?

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Taco Bell Menu Flops: Past and Present

Taco Bell Menu Flops: Past and Present dan mirabelli wrote this Over the decades, Taco Bell has been known for introducing many ambitious products, and while some reached great success and satiated many a stoner, their risky menu items haven’t always been hits. In honor of the release of the new Taco Bell Breakfast Menu on March 27th, The Black Sheep looks back on failed Taco Bell menu items.

INTRODUCING:

THE FIRST MEAL As Taco Bell’s most recent attempt at breakfast, the fast food chain had to cook up some truly exciting items to stand out in the crowd and overshadow their past failures. With items like the Waffle Taco and the A.M. Crunchwrap, Taco Bell has already drummed up excitement among its fan base. But will they conquer the masses, or will they join the long line of discontinued tortilla-wrapped trash?

THE WAFFLE TACO

The Waffle Taco is exactly what it sounds like, but its most controversial feature is that it is doused in maple syrup. Waffles are not exactly known for being syrup retardant, and within minutes this seemingly glorious creation will be a soggy and sticky mess. We predict that many a customer will order this item to go, only to cover their steering wheel in syrup and ruin their shirt before they even make it to work. Mondays, right Garfield?

A.M. CRUNCHWRAP

Preliminary nutrition reports show that the A.M. Crunchwrap will contain 1250 milligrams of sodium, over half the recommended amount per day for adults under 51. That’s right, you can knock out half your sodium intake for the day for less than $3 before 7 a.m., now that is efficiency at its finest.

Taco Bell Menu Flops: Past and Present

THE FIRST TRY AT BREAKFAST

THE BELL BEEFER

While many fan reacted to news of a new Taco Bell breakfast menu with enthusiasm and anticipation, most do not know that Taco Bell made a previous attempt in the past to launch a successful breakfast menu. In the 1990s, Taco Bell asked their patrons to “Make a Run for The Border for Breakfast,” however the menu mostly left people making a run for the bathroom. The menu included items like the Double Bacon Egg Burrito and tater-tot-esque potato chunks.

Fans of the breakfast menu described the eggs as “Pretty darn good, you can barely tell that they’re instant!”

In the mid-1980s before Taco Bell thought outside the bun, they had an item that had a bun. For some reason Taco Bell executives decided that simply adhering to “Mexican” food was holding the restaurant back from its true potential, so the Bell Beefer was introduced.

Consisting of a more-than-healthy serving of taco meat, shredded cheese, lettuce, and chunks of tomato, Taco Bell burst onto the burger scene. However, the Bell Beefer was essentially a shitty sloppy joe. Being so sloppy, it ruined one too many pairs of parachute pants before it was discontinued.

TACO BELL FRIES Yes that’s right, fries… from Taco Bell. Intriguing, yes. Tasty, hell no. Taking a page from their popular Nacho Supreme menu item, some dingbat in upper management decided that making Fries Supreme was a good idea in the late 1990s. And in a result that came out of left field, the fries were not a hit. Apparently people don’t enjoy having their crummy fries covered in ground beef and sour cream, who could’ve guessed?

SEAFOOD SALAD

If this list has taught you anything, it is to “enjoy” Taco Bell’s menu items as much as you can, because you can never know when your favorite fart-inducing pile of horsemeat will be discontinued. So get to your closest Taco Bell and suck down some ground bacon and instant eggs before they’re gone. But remember to download the new level of that iPhone game you play, because you’ll be spending some extra time on the crapper. And don’t forget to bring a net so you can fish your colon out of the toilet bowl when you’re finished.

Because you can’t have only four items on a menu and odd numbers are the cat’s pajama’s, Taco Bell decided to make one item and pretend that it was two different ones. Boasting eggs, bacon, and cheese, these items are exactly the same except for one key difference. One is a cylindrical, and the other is a semi-circle. This exact item was on the first attempt at breakfast, but the second time’s the charm.

SIZZLIN’ BACON

Back in 1995, the head honchos at Taco Bell realized that the taco empire was missing a key ingredient from its Mexican cuisine: Bacon. In order to fill the glaring hole in their lineup, a bacon-centric sub-menu was released that incorporated bacon into 3 menu items. However Taco Bell was ahead of it’s time, and the bacon craze had not entered full swing. For this reason, and the small detail that the “bacon” tasted like awful ham, the Sizzlin’ Bacon Menu didn’t last very long.

BLT TACO: Another venture that Taco Bell took in the mid 1980s was the ill-fated Seafood Salad. Created to oppose the Filet-O-Fish, the Seafood Salad included black olives, lettuce, tomato, bay shrimp, white fish, and snow crab. Unfortunately these ingredients tasted far from fresh, and the refrigeration techniques in the 1980s weren’t up to snuff. Due to this and multiple near-lethal food poisoning occurrences, Taco Bell was forced to pull the Seafood Salad from their menu.

BREAKFAST BURRITO AND A.M. GRILLED TACO

THROWBACK MENU:

Consisting of bacon, lettuce, tomato, club sauce, and cheddar cheese, the BLT Taco perfectly followed the classic recipe of the BLT. Unfortunately it was unable to attain the success and glory of its namesake, because what type of person walks into a Taco Bell and thinks to themselves “Huh, screw those MexiMelts, I came here for a damn BLT. “ Not a single person on the planet is that stupid, so as quickly as the BLT Taco appeared on the scene, it disappeared.

BACON CHEESEBURGER BURRITO: Unlike the Bell Beefer, this menu item attempted to put the burger into the burrito. But once again, customers realized that instead of eating a bizarre cheeseburgerand-bacon concoction, they could go down the street and buy something better from a restaurant that actually makes their money from making burgers.

CINNABON® DELIGHTS™

It is quite literally impossible to even try to make fun of these. They are going to be delicious, maybe even delightful, and you will surely eat far more than what is healthy for the average person. Actually, eating only one is probably not healthy for you, but what the hell.

Sometimes you just gotta treat yourself.

CHICKEN CLUB BURRITO:

In addition to having bacon, this burrito had chicken, lettuce, tomato, and a ranch-like sauce. Why was this delicious-sounding burrito taken off the menu? Because it was atrocious. Chicken. From Taco Bell. In the 1990s. Wanna talk about salmonella? You’d have to wash out you mouth with Purell after every bite, but there’s one problem with that. Purell HADN’T EVEN BEEN INVENTED YET.

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