THE FUN & GAMES ISSUE!
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THE BLACK SHEEP ONLINE .COM ARTICLES • DRINKING GAMES THE BAR GRID • PURE AWESOMENESS
Welcome to Page Three! You are about to have more fun than a freshman at a frat party. Tweet us your answers, or send them to page3@theblacksheeponline.com. If you’re right, you’ll win a prize!
PAGE THREE THE BLACK SHEEP’S LEGENDARY
WORD OF THE WEEK
80s CARTOON CHARACTER PORN STAR NAME?
CONQUISTADORM A man or woman who demands entry into the dorm he or she lived in freshman year, but in which he or she no longer resides.
VICK THE SLICK
“Sherri, a true Conquistadorm, demanded to be let in to room 305 even though she hadn’t resided in there for 3 years and the freshman living there now was obviously just hooking up with a guy.”
CAN YOU GUESS THE CELEBRITY BACK?
THE TERRIBLE PUNS CUTOUT Know of a bathroom stall that needs some pizazz? Cut this out, stick in a bathroom stall, snap a pic and #Sheepffiti and we’ll send you a prize!
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THE POPSTARS CROSSWORD ACROSS
3) Charli XCX’s real first name. 5) Demi Lovoto was diagnosed with this disorder during her 2010 stint in treatment. 6) Mariah Carey expresses this holiday as her favorite. 8) This first season winner of American Idol, two words. 9) This pop star will release her 13th album Rebel Heart in early 2015. 10) Ariana Grande was born in this city, two words. 14) Katy Perry got her start singing this type of music as a teenager. 15) Taylor Swift infamously pulled her music from this music streaming service.
DOWN
1) Iggy Azalea moved to the United States from this country in 2006. 2) This popular English singer sadly joined “The 27 Club” in July 2011. 4) This pop star’s real name is Stefani Germanotta, two words. 6) Britney Spears was the star of this 2002 cult-film. 7) Whitney Houston is the only artist to chart this many consecutive Number 1 Billboard Hot 100 hits. 8) This pop star recently took the $ out of her name. 9) Adele was originally offered a recording contract by being discovered on this social media site. 11) Miley Cyrus put this type of dancing on the map. 12) Blue Ivy is this star’s child. 13) This pop star comes from New Zealand, and broke out in 2013.
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ARE YOU SMARTER THAN?
THE TOP TEN
Ways to Stay Out of Trouble During Grand Prix
0 E T OF 1 R SCO 4 OU
Looking to have a good time for this year’s Grand Prix week, but worried about getting yourself into a sticky situation with your professors? The Black Sheep has 10 ways to avoid trouble as you struggle to make it to all your classes. 10.) Don’t be THAT GUY in class: No one likes taking care of the stupid-drunk person. And getting belligerently drunk during Grand Prix week is sure to bring the wrath of your professors. Grand Prix is about fun, not failing. 9.) Finish all your work ahead of time: Nothing puts a damper on your Grand Prix plans like having projects, papers, and buttloads of homework that you HAVE to complete instead of going out every night. Finish as much as you can beforehand so you don’t have to try doing it when you’re drunk or hungover. 8.) Mix your hard liquor into your morning smoothie: Fill your trusty water bottle with a smoothie or some orange juice, and spike it with vodka. Make it strong enough to have you tipsy by the end of class, but not so strong that your professor can smell it. 7.) Pop breath mints like you have an addiction: By the time you get to your afternoon class, you’ve been drinking for a while. So be sure to stock up on breath mints so your professors will never be the wiser. 6.) Hide your can of beer in a Styrofoam cup: Ice cold beer, all day long
JASON FROM THE COREC 1. Currency: In January 2015, Lithuania adopted what currency as its own? 2. Sports: In January 2015, what sport elected Craig Biggio, Randy Johnson and others to its Hall of Fame? 3. Terrorism: In January 2015, what satire publication was the victim of a Paris, France terrorist attack? 4. Music: In February 2015 what artist won Song of the Year and Record of the Year with his tune, “Stay With Me”? 5. Television: What newscaster was suspended by NBC in February 2015 for exaggerating a story about a helicopter crash?
6. Movies: Actor Eddie Redmayne won the 2015 Academy Award for Best Actor by portraying Stephen Hawking in what movie? 7. Politics: What city’s February 2015 election saw the forcing of a run-off between incumbent mayor Rahm Emanuel and challenger Chuy Garcia? 8. Business: In March, 2015 what national corporation saw thousands of job cuts? 9. Crime: On March 14, 2015 the LAPD issued a warrant to capture this person, the focus of The Jinx TV series? 10. Food: In March, 2015 what food conglomerate issued a recall of over 6.5 million boxes of macaroni and cheese after customers reported finding small bits of metal inside?
Jason’s Answers
Correct Answers
1. Euro 2. Baseball 3. SNL 4. Francis Donovan 5. Eric War 6. The Theory of Everything 7. Kansas 8. Apple 9. Chris Criminal 10. Kraft
1. Euro 2. Baseball 3. Charlie Hedbo 4. Sam Smith 5. Brian Williams 6. The Theory of Everything 7. Chicago 8. Target 9. Robert Durst 10. Kraft
5.) THE SOBER SEAMUS: When you find yourself in a time that it’s CRUCIAL to be coherent, take a deep breath and gather yourself. Close your eyes, picture what you need to do, and DO IT! This is what The Black Sheep calls pulling a “Sober Seamus.” Use caution though, this alter ego is not a permanent solution, it’ll only last a select few minutes. 4.) Stay home: Hopefully you saved up your allotted absences to use up during Grand Prix week. You can’t get in trouble with the university if you don’t put yourself in a sticky, slurry spot. 3.) Invite all your neighbors to your darty so they don’t bitch about the noise: Day drinking is a wonderful pastime, and you are surely to attend several day parties during Grand Prix week. So invite the neighbors to have a good time as well. Nothing puts a damper on a good darty like the police showing up because of a noise complaint. 2.) Charge your phone: A charged phone will be sure to capture all the drunken selfies and videos of all your crazy shenanigans throughout the week. If your phone is dead you won’t be able to find your friends after you inevitably wander off. 1.) Befriend the frat guys who have water slides and bouncy houses: It’s Grand Prix tradition for certain fraternities to build huge Slip N’ Slides or rent bouncy castles for their lawn during the week. All these outdoor activities are sure to get you in the mood for summer, which will only be two weeks away come the end of Grand Prix week. Nothing brings out your inner child like getting drunk and going down a Slip N’ Slide. The weather is supposed to be beautiful this year for Grand Prix, so stock up on alcohol and drunk food. You’re bound to have the time of your life (definitely a better time than Lil’ Five).
Katy Martin wrote this
THE MADLIB CRAPPY SUMMER JOB SILVER LINING
ON THE STREETS WHAT WOULD YOU DO WITH A BOX OF 5,000 SPIDERS? JOHN DAVISON
“Let them loose in CL50 lecture.”
Oh, sure __(1)__, you’re interning at __(2)__ this summer, but I’m sure you’re really just going to spend all day getting coffee for higher-ups, you’re not going to learn anything, really.
COLE KERESTES
“Butter up a sorority with them.”
And sure, maybe I’m just working as a __(3)__ back in __(4)__, but that’s where the real experience is at, man. It’ll be me and __(5)__ of my peers out there learning important business skills like time management, delegation and uh…__(6)__. Where’s the freedom in wearing a __(7)__ every day? We’re young! We’re free! I don’t even have to wear __(8)__, because it’s going to be like…__(9)__ goddamn degrees every day. No __(10)__, and they pay me for it! I know not everything will be great. Getting up at __(11)__ a.m. stinks, but hey, I’ll be off at __(12)__ p.m., which means there will be plenty of time to __(13)__ a __(14)__ of __(15)__ every day, and I’ll be in bed before __(16)__ p.m. Bet you can’t say that, what with your board meetings and late-night __(17)__ sessions! So, yeah, you may think that you’re going to come back to __(18)__ smarter and more educated than when you left, but joke’s on you, man, you’re just working your way to being another cog in the machine. Corporations, man!
CLUE BANK
06
1: Friend’s name 2: Company 3:Menial job 4: Your hometown 5: Number 6: Useless skill 7: Item of business clothing 8: Item of non-business clothing 9: Temperature
10: Same as 8 11: Time 12: Later time 13: Verb 14: Quantity of (15) 15: Activity 16: Time 17: Business jargon 18: Your school
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MEXICAN GRILL & BAR
Bar Open Late Every Night! Catering Now Available! DAILY FOOD & DRINK SPECIALS: CHECK THE BAR GRID!
EXICAN GRILL & BAR
$5 Double Wells WINGS & BEER 2P-9P $13 Boneless Wings & 60oz Bud Lite or Coors Light Tower
Everyday: $0.69 Bud Light $0.99 Shocktop $1.20 Johnny Appleseed $1.99 Peoples Drafts
TUESDAY: 5 for $15 Blue Moon and Red Stripe Buckets $13 Sangria Pitcher $3.75 Well Drinks
TUESDAY! Euchre at 9pm $1 Off All Crafts & Microbrews, $2.50 Bacardi and Bacardi Oakheart
$1.50 Double Well Mixers $1 Sharkbite Shots $1 Wounded Turtle Shots $2.50 Domestic Drafts $2.50 Fireball Shots
$10.99 Steak Night! $0.69 Bud Light $0.99 Shocktop $1.20 Johnny Appleseed $1.99 Peoples Drafts
5 for $15 312 and Sam Adams Buckets $13 Margaritas and Mojito Pitchers $2.50 Well Tequila Shots $5 Long Islands
Free Hotdogs, Popcorn and Peanuts $2.25 Domestic Bottles, $4.25 Fishbowls, Well Drinks
$0.69 Bud Light $0.99 Shocktop $1.20 Johnny Appleseed $1.99 Peoples Drafts
$5 Double Wells, $3.50 Well Shots $4 Bombs, $14 Well Pitchers 5 for $12 Miller Lite and Coors Light 5 for $17 Heineken Buckets
$3.75 Captain Morgan, $3.25 Miller/Coors 24oz Drafts, $4.25 Blue Moon 24oz Drafts $3 Bazooka Joe & Cherry Bombs, Free Hotdogs, Popcorn and Peanuts!
SAT.
$5 Double Bacardi Specialty Drinks SWAMP WATER • SOUTH BEACH • CHERRY LEMONADE $5 Double Wells
$0.69 Bud Light $0.99 Shocktop $1.20 Johnny Appleseed $1.99 Peoples Drafts
$5 Long Islands, $3.50 Well Shots $4 Bombs, $14 Well Pitchers 5 for $12 Miller Lite and Coors Light 5 for $17 Corona Buckets
Brex Club! $4.25 Jack Daniels, $3.25 Bud, Bud Light and Rolling Rock 24oz Drafts, $4.25 Goose Island 312 24oz Drafts, $3 Jager Bombs | Breakfast Club Specials: $2.25 Screwdrivers and Bloody Marys, $3 Fireball Breakfast Shots
SUN.
$2 Double Wells $3 U-Call-It Shots $5 Double U-Call-It Mixers $5 3 Olives Long Islands
$10.99 Steak Night! $0.69 Bud Light $0.99 Shocktop $1.20 Johnny Appleseed $1.99 Peoples Drafts
$4.25 Double Well Drinks, Margaritas, and Mojitos
MON.
FRI: $5 Dbl Three Olives Vodka Drinks
50¢ Rolling Rock Cans $1 Double Wells $1.25 18oz Bud Light Bottles* $3 U Call It Shots $5 14oz Three Olives L.I.T.’S
$0.69 Bud Light $0.99 Shocktop $1.20 Johnny Appleseed $1.99 Peoples Drafts
5 for $10 Bud Light, Miller Light, and Coors Light
TUES.
THURS. SPECIAL NIGHT
BAR GRID
$2 Double Wells $2 Any Draft $2 Hot Shot of the Day $5 14oz Three Olives L.I.T.’S
$0.69 Bud Light $0.99 Shocktop $1.20 Johnny Appleseed $1.99 Peoples Drafts
5 for $15 Blue Moon and Red Stripe Buckets $13 Sangria Pitcher $3.75 Well Drinks
Euchre at 9pm $1 Off All Crafts & Microbrews, $2.50 Bacardi and Bacardi Oakheart
$0.69 Bud Light $0.99 Shocktop $1.20 Johnny Appleseed $1.99 Peoples Drafts
5 for $15 Angry Orchard and Sierra Nevada Buckets $4.50 Daiquiris & Pina Coladas $14 Well Pitchers.
Team Trivia at 9:30pm $2.25 Wells, $1.50 Retro Miller Lite Bottles
ORANGE KRUSH • GRAPE APE • BLUE LEMON DROP
WED.
FRI.
$5 Double Three Olives Vodka Drinks ORANGE KRUSH • GRAPE APE • BLUE LEMON DROP
$5 Double Wells WINGS & BEER 2P-9P $13 Boneless Wings & 60oz Bud Lite or Coors Light Tower
Wing Night (Mild, Ass-Burner, Spicy Garlic & Hawaiian BBQ)
25¢ Wings 9pm ‘til gone $1.25 Miller High Life bottles $1.50 double wells $2 Hot Shot of the Day $5 Three Olives Long Islands
5 for $12 Miller Light, Bud Light, and Coors Light $4.25 Double Well Drinks
$15 Domestic Pitcher & Pie, $6.50 Domestic Pitchers, $2.25 Wells, $3 Fireball $1.50 Bud/Bud Light Bottles, $2 Coronas, $3 Jager Bomb Cups, $15 Domestic Pitcher + Pie, $4 220z Well Drinks, $5 Red Bull Mixers
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FRIDAY & SATURDAY: Bruce in the Piano Bar 9pm, Live DJ main room
FRIDAY & SATURDAY: $3.99 32oz Domestic Drafts
SPECIAL
THREE DOLLAR THREE OLIVES THURSDAY $1 Coors, $2 Wells and $3 Three Olives $3.75 Long Islands
$3.99 Cactus Margaritas
THURS.
$2 Bud/Bud Light Drafts, $15 100oz beer tubes, $12 Bud/Bud Light buckets, $3 Titos, $4 Jacks and $4 Bacardi Bruce in Piano Bar 9pm, Live DJs main room
$3.99 32oz Domestic Drafts
FRI.
$3.50 Smirnoff and Captain Morgan, $4 Jacks, $12 Buckets Miller/ Coors, $15 100oz Beer Tube of Miller/Coors Bruce in the Piano Bar 9pm, Live DJ main room
$3.99 32oz Domestic Drafts
SAT.
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$15.99 House Margarita Pitchers
SUN
Margarita Monday! $2.99 12oz Margaritas
MON.
Check out your pics on our galleries @ neoncactus.biz
$1.99 16oz Domestic Drafts
TUES.
RESERVE TABLES, PRIVATE PARTIES and MORE! Go to neoncactus.biz and CONTACT US to send a message to make your night even more special!
$2.25 16oz Import Drafts
WED.
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BARTENDER OF THE WEEK
LEE STAHL NEON CACTUS
Relationship Status: Taken Favorite Drink: Dragonberry and lemonade Favorite Shot: Fireball Disgusting Drink: Vodka water lime If there was a major in bartending, what would be the final?: “Living through working Thursday, Friday and Saturday night straight. You can get extra credit working Breakfast Club on Saturday too.” What food item is criminally underrated as a drunk munchie?: “Fatboy from Famous Franks. I’d eat them cold.” What was the last thing that melted in your mouth but not in your hand?: “Reese’s Pieces Easter eggs.” Which animal would be most intimidating in robot form?:
“Spiders—spiders just suck period.” What song would you strip to?: “My Pony” by Ginuwine—have you seen the preview to Magic Mike 2?” What current piece of technology will be hilariously outdated in 10 years?: “Emoticons—just stop already people.” Who is the oldest person you’re sexually attracted to?: “Elle MacPherson, she’s still got it.” Who, what, when, where and why?: “21 and over, come party! At the Cactus, Grand Prix weekend, it’s Brian’s birthday weekend— Candyland performs, last Breakfast Club, and it’s going to be the best ever! Why should people read The Black Sheep?: “You can finish The Black Sheep before your legs go numb on the toilet.”
THE DRINKING GAME
RECIPE FOR DISASTER
BIKINI BOOZIN’
BEEFY BURRITO
Since Mother Nature is finally giving us consistently good weather, you can find the majority of campus hanging out at a pool. You know, a cramped one filled with as much chlorine as there are used Band-Aids. We’re going to make laying out at the pool a bit more fun than usual.
With the semester coming to a close soon and the sun shining on the regular, there’s no better time to whip up a massive burrito. Who even has the time to wait in that line for one of those? Follow this recipe to make a meaty burrito quick enough to make and eat in front of your foolish friends waiting in the Chipotle line.
What You’ll Need: Your bathing suit, booze, and beach bod. The latter’s entirely optional, since there’s no way in hell you kept that going after spring break. Number of Players: 2+, you and the girls you’re laying out with. Level of Intoxication: You won’t realize that tan is actually a sunburn. Pink, orange… what’s the difference? SUMMER. How to Play: Take 1 drink… -For every triangle bikini you see. No, don’t stop. May as well keep on going. -Every time some dude cannonballs and splashes everybody. -When said gentleman realizes no one outside of middle school gives a shit about cannonballs anymore.
Take 2 drinks… -For every person’s beach body that isn’t quite beach ready… -If you see a girl actually in the pool and not worrying about her tan. -For anybody who’s passed out and veering on the whole second-degree burn, red lobster bandwagon.
Finish your drink… -If there are no chairs available! Time to go home! The Game Ends When: You pass out and wake up with the worst sunburn of your life. PCB won’t save you now, pally.
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What You’ll Need: Ground beef, tortillas, lettuce, tomatoes, cheese, sour cream, and guacamole. Fatty Factor: This burrito can certainly feed a whole family, but this one’s just for you, yourself, and Yaakov. So, you do the math. Let’s Get Baked: -Put a skillet on the stovetop, turn the heat on medium, and throw your ground beef in it. Season the sunnuvagun with salt and pepper. -Dice the tomatoes up and chop the lettuce, careful not to chop your fingers. Playing adult is hard, isn’t it now? -Don’t forget about the meat on the stovetop! Stir it occasionally until it’s cooked all the way through. -Once it’s cooked, it’s time to assemble your burrito. Start with your tortilla and just kind of toss all that shit in there. -Add a couple spoonfuls of guac (be generous) and sour cream. -Wrap your burrito like you’ve seen the employees do it… like a giant, hastily-prepared taco… Now you’ve got one of the biggest and best burritos in campustown without having to stand in line or deal with all the basics. Be sure to stay by a bathroom because large quantities of Mexican food run through your intestines very quickly.
NOMNOMNOM AT THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM
A BLACK SHEEP EXAM
THE GONZ WROTE THIS
The Black Sheep Final Exam The final requirement for graduation that isn’t listed on any of your curriculums is The Black Sheep final exam. All the knowledge that you learned over the course of four years within a copy of The Black Sheep will be tested. Only the best and brightest can pass, and only those people go on to achieve moderately-paying jobs in the field of their degree.
Section 1: Verbal Reasoning
The following questions use sections from past The Black Sheep articles. Circle the logical word choice to fill in the blanks. The cartoon part of the movie begins with SpongeBob all excited to become the manager of the new ___(1)___, but he doesn’t (SPOILERS) get the job. I think it’d be ___(2)___ to be in charge of the Krusty Krab. It’d also be awesome to be in charge of The Black Sheep. If I was in charge of The Black Sheep, I’d make sure every article of every issue would be about how ___(3)___ fat ginger kids are. Fat ginger kids are the worst. I’d also put a picture of ___(4)___ in each copy of The Black Sheep because I admire him as an actor. But I can’t do that because my bosses are fucking ___(5)___. (Don’t tell them I told you that.) 1. McDonald’s Washington Redskins BMO Harris Bank 2. Swell Arousing Zestful 3. Soulful Squishy Freckly 4. Keanu Reeves Nicolas Cage Muhammad, Peace be upon him 5. Awesome Majestic Beautiful
“When I woke up, I saw that the sun was up, and I began to ___(1)___,” said Phil in the year 5015, somehow still able to communicate with The Black Sheep through our ___(2)___ skills in journalism. “Once I saw that the rest of mankind has transcended its biological roots by reaching the Singularity and becoming one with ___(3)___, I realized, Oh shit, I’m 3,000 years late to my ___(4)___ exam. This was the first time I’d ever overslept an exam, so naturally I freaked the ___(5)___ out.” 1. Masturbate Panic Vomit 2. Clemency Xanthippe Antebellum 3. Dogs Grapes Nature 4. Prostate Gynecological Chemistry 5. Cat Shit Fuck
Section 2: Quantitative Reasoning
Section 3: United States History
Provide a numeric answer. 1. The local bar special consists of wells for $2 and draft beer for $3. How much money can you spend before you receive a low balance notification from your bank?
Complete the blank with the correct answer. 1. The abbreviation for “United States of America” is __________.
2. How many The Black Sheep articles can a person read in a span of one 50-minute lecture?
3. The first Mexican president was __________.
3. A girl gave you her phone number last night, but you forgot. How many combinations of 7-digit numbers can you randomly text before you find the right one?
2. There are _____ stripes and _____ stars on the Chinese flag.
4. __________ is the official cloven-hoofed animal of the US. 5. Complete the National Anthem: “Oh but ain’t that _____ for you and me. Ain’t that _____, we’re something to see. Ain’t that _____, home of the _____, yeah. Little _____ houses for you and me.”
4. Calculate the difference between your GPA and a 4.0. How much do you have to add for sufficient self-respect? 5. There are five bars scheduled on your barcrawl. You plan to spend one hour at each bar. How much time will you spend on your barcrawl, accounting for rounding up stragglers, food stops, waiting in line, and passing out? Indicate which value is greater. 1. You have a 9 a.m. class. Which quantity is greater: the number of consecutive classes you can sleep through or the number of hours you will spend cramming for the final?
Section 4: street smarts Select the correct answer. 1. Liquor before beer. Are you in the clear? In the clear Never been sicker 2. Never stick your dick in _____? Mailboxes Chocolate Milk Crazy
2. You drive a Ford Focus. Which is greater: The number of miles per gallon or the number of chicks willing to bang you?
3. A dime bag costs? 1 dime
3. Your university charges X amount for tuition. Which has greater value: $X or your English degree?
4. What happens if you give a pig a pancake? He will be satisfied. He will want syrup.
4. On an average day, which number is greater: the hours you sleep, the hours you are awake, or the hours you are drunk?
5. Which direction do even-numbered Interstate highways run? North-south East-west South by Southwest
10 dimes
100 dimes He will shit in your house. North by Northwest
5. On a number line, which value is greater: -50 or -100?
answer key
Section 5: The Black Sheep History 1. What year was The Black Sheep established? 1935 1802 2015
6. Where is The Black Sheep headquarters? Cleveland, OH Guantanamo Bay
2. How many articles are published every day by The Black Sheep? 0.5 540 5,302
7. How many feral cats roam The Black Sheep offices? 20 25 800
3. How many university campuses have The Black Sheep publications? 1 2 3
8. What is the favorite food of your average The Black Sheep writer? Mutton Lamb Chops Buttered Noodles
4. Who is the best writer for The Black Sheep? The Gonz The Gonz The Gonz
9. What is the average number of alphabetical letters used in a single The Black Sheep article? 26 10 666
5. What was The Black Sheep formerly known as? The Booze News The Beer Broadcast The Liquor Lowdown
Chicago, IL
10. How high can the average The Black Sheep writer count? 10 20 3
Section 1 Part I 1. Washington Redskins 2. Zestful 3. Soulful 4. Keanu Reeves 5. Any answer is acceptable. Part II 1. Masturbate 2. None of the options are correct, so fuck you. 3. Grapes, obviously. 4. Prostate 5. Shit
Section 2 Part I 1. The answer is equal to the amount of money in your bank account 2. 50 articles 3. 823543 4. Answers vary per person 5. 12 hours Part II Answers will vary. Section 3 1. US of A 2. 0 stripes and 5 stars 3. Thomas Jefe-rson 4. The Black Sheep 5. America, America,
America, free, Red White & Blue Section 4 1. In the clear 2. Crazy 3. 100 dimes 4. He will want syrup. 5. East-west Section 5 1. 1802 2. 0.5 3. 2 4. The Gonz 5. The Booze News 6. Guantanamo Bay 7. 800 8. Buttered Noodles 9. 666 10. 3
spot the difference!
Can you find the 8 differences? If so, email us at spot@theblacksheeponline and win a prize!
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