Purdue - Issue 8 - 4/24/2014 by The Black Sheep

A THE W ESENITS R D E S PRE E F R E E D O M U A H A N E G A N D A C M S H E H I I S S U E L L L P E E H S BLACK

THE FUN AND GAMES ISSUE

Volume 4, Issue 8 • 4/24/2014 • @BlackSheep_PU

T H E

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Engineering Senior Torn Between NASA Internship and Promotion at Dairy Queen TBS STAFF WROTE THIS

Senior Thomas Macklin, who has worked at the Dairy Queen in his hometown of Kokomo for the past four years, was excited to return this summer with the promise of a promotion to shift lead. “This is what I’ve been working toward all this time. My boss finally saw the potential in me to do great things,” haughtily proclaimed Macklin. This year, Macklin was dead-set on working at Dairy Queen once again and was excited for the responsibilities associated with his new promotion. “I had already discussed my pay raise and schedule with my manager,” said Macklin with a disheartened tone. “But then I received the internship offer from NASA.” Macklin told us that he applied to NASA at the beginning of the year, but after not receiving an offer for several months, assumed that his application had been denied. According to Macklin, the offer includes a travel and housing stipend, plus wages well beyond what he would receive at DQ. “I’ve heard that NASA highly values leadership skills and that’s the most important aspect of a company, in my opinion,” said Tom. “Other than that, the prospect of free ice cream is a major factor in my decision.” Macklin commented that, on the one hand, his manager at Dairy Queen will be extremely disappointed if he decides to not return. On the

other hand, “it’s fucking NASA.” Macklin’s friends and family are begging him to choose the latter. “My mom pointed out that NASA has more letters in their acronym than DQ does,” mentioned Tom. “I don’t even know if that’s a pro or a con.” Macklin’s best friend and coworker at Dairy Queen recommended that he accept the offer at NASA. “The thing is,” Macklin said with an air of suspicion, “he’s next in line for the promotion at DQ, so I don’t know if I can trust his opinion.” Macklin spoke with his advisor in the Mechanical Engineering department for another opinion. “My advisor recommended that I accept the NASA offer as well. He said that summer internships are important resume builders when looking for a career after graduation.” Macklin then added with a sigh, “This is the hardest decision of my entire life.” A spokesperson from the NASA internship program commented, “Here at NASA we understand that some students must make tough decisions about what to do during their summers. We try to make our internship program as desirable as possible to attract only the best and brightest. Usually, the toughest decisions are when students must choose between [NASA] and a company such as Boeing or Lockheed Martin, not retail or food service.”

We reached out to the general manager at the local Dairy Queen for a statement. “Tom is my best employee, and I would be sad to see him leave. Regardless, he’s an idiot. Tell him to choose NASA.” We tried to reach out to Macklin for another

comment, but he claimed he was holed up in his bedroom, weighing the pros and cons, specifically charting which ice cream flavors he would likely never taste for free again if he sided with NASA. Only time will tell if Macklin will be willing to forfeit Oreo Blizzards for a likely bright and lavishly wealthy future. To his credit, the waffle cones at DQ are delectable.

CURRENT EVENTS

THE

TOP

TEN

REPLIES TO SLACKERS BEGGING FOR NOTES STAFF WROTE THIS

We’ve all gotten them—emails begging you to send someone the notes they missed in class. The messages usually start piling up around the end of the semester, when finals are fast approaching (right when everyone seems to be getting ‘super sick’). The Black Sheep has kindly compiled a list of the things you say (or wish you would say) in this instance. 10.) Nothing: The most popular answer, but saying nothing will likely prompt a couple more desperate emails as the test approaches. Regardless, ignoring the slacker ensures you don’t have to waste your precious “study time” (drinking on a patio) typing up an answer.

5 THINGS EVERY PURDUE STUDENT SHOULD DO

FOR GRAND PRIX BRENDAN WROTE THIS

Is that a high-pitched whine at 8a.m., and you know your mom isn’t coming to visit? Must be Grand Prix season, then. Yes, with the 57th annual race looking us in the eye this Saturday, The Black Sheep has put together five things that every Boilermaker, young and slightly-less-young, should be doing leading up to Saturday’s race. Block All of Your IU Friends’ Social Media Accounts: You’ll post a picture of a threestory beer bong, they’ll tell you how it doesn’t compare to the twelve-story one they swear they saw one time. You casually comment, “Go Ugly Early,” they’ll happily remind you that it’s your only real option. Boiler Up? Hoosier daddy. Go-karts? Bikes are cooler. They’re the ever-annoying yin to your yang— it’s never going to end. This week’s one for a positive rage, not one of the anger-induced variety. And if Little 500 is so much fun, why are they stalking you on social media, anyway? Don’t Forget the Beer: The date’s been circled on your calendar for months. You’ve worked hard to get ahead with your coursework. Hell, you’ve even long-conned your parents into thinking that you’re on a service trip to rural Canada to help underprivileged Hoser youths dig wells to parch their thirst for slightly-lesscold season. That’ll keep ‘em from calling. You did all this because you knew Grand Prix Week is full of beer, and that beer is both delicious and fun. Have a Competition All Your Own: Maybe you don’t have the fast-twitch reaction times needed to nobly man a go-kart, but that doesn’t mean Grand Prix Week has to be void of any competitive spirit.

If you’re a resident of Cary Quad challenge some’a them punk-ass-bitches from Owen to a Mario Kart Wii tournament…to the death. And by death, of course, we mean some sort of beer-themed activity. Did another sorority sneak in and schedule a formal with, like, the guys you schedule formals with every semester? Engage in a passiveaggressive compliment-off with those betches. “Karen, that skirt does a great job of hiding your massive thighs!” It’s all in the name of competition. Breakfast Club, Day-Of: Football season’s lone highlight has an opportunity to shine once more during spring semester. Suit up in whatever ridiculous neon and camouflage garb you’ve acquired since last home game and be sure to get out to West Lafayette’s drinking establishments nice and early.

9.) “Sorry, I don’t have time”: If you respond this way, you’re being considerate by answering in a polite manner, but hopefully you’ll also send them a guilt trip. The slacker will assume you’re booked with hitting the books and feel bad about his/her own lack of time management skills. 8.) “I would, but my cat just died”: The slacker actually thinks you’re a decent human for saying you would help them in other circumstances. However, your lame excuse may deter them from thinking too highly of you, and they’ll also peg you as a cat person, which will help deter any future contact. 7.) “Yes...”: There’s a trick to this answer: give them terrible notes, or notes that don’t pertain to the class whatsoever. You can even just type “fuck you” repeatedly. They’ll know not to ask you for anything ever again. 6.) “How about you go to class once in a while, asshole?”: This answer provides some constructive criticism, but the language still makes it clear how you feel about the person. Even if they just attend class to watch cat videos and take notes every three weeks—anything to repel them from bothering you in the future. 5.) “Make some friends so you don’t have to keep asking me. No, I will not be your friend”: Again, you’re providing constructive criticism, but it’s slightly less harsh than calling them an ahole. Encouraging them to make friends will ultimately solve this problem, but it lets the lazeabout know that you don’t want to be responsible for them (or their friend). 4.) “Fuck off”: Perhaps the most popular response in theory, though it’s rarely carried out. This won’t get you any kind of positive reaction from the desperate slacker. Nonetheless, the response is deserved. 3.) “Go away. Nobody likes you”: You’re saying what everyone else wants to say. It’s not as rude as “fuck off,” but still gets your abhorrence of the person across. Including the rest of the class in your reply will show the slacker than you’re not alone in your hatred of note-begging. 2.) “Please go get chlamydia from the nearest prostitute”: By saying please, you’re at least being courteous, so that way they can’t get mad at you. Sure, you’re telling them to get an STD, but hey, at least chlamydia is curable. 1.) “I hope your firstborn child gets eaten by rabid wolverines”: It may be a little harsh to bring the next generation into the mix, but when you’re trying to prove a point, extremes can work best. This way, that annoying son of a bitch will not mistake your meaning and think that you will actually give him the notes later. And yes, by rabid wolverines we mean STD-infested Ann Arbor residents.

Well, pretty early, at least. A 2:30 race start time means that you’ll have plenty of time to suck down your fair share of poor-judgment juice. Don’t Miss the Race: Are you a freshman? Then this is the week that’s been alluded to in hushed tones since the first moments of Boiler Gold Rush. Are you a senior? Then Grand Prix will be what you’re uttering about in hushed tones around the office water cooler about this time next year. There are so many great things to do Grand Prix Week that the race itself can get lost in the shuffle, but not seeing those karts zip by would be like sex without the orgasm, a fancy dinner without the entrée, or an IU degree without a prolonged jail stint: It shouldn’t happen. Get out there and Boiler the f*** up.

AROUND CAMPUS SEND US YOUR PARTY PICS TO PICS@THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM

ON THE STREETS WHAT FICTIONAL FINAL WOULD YOU MOST EASILY GET A 100% ON? Chris

“Blacking Out 101”

Tami

“Twerking 101”

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“Botany 420”

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the madlib

Explaining to Your Parents Why You’ll be Spending Next Year at Community College

Listen Dad, I swear this isn’t my fault! I mean, first off, Professor __1__ had it in for me since day one. He assigned everyone in the class __2__ __3__page papers. I mean, isn’t that just ridiculous? Then, I asked him if he could reschedule one of my tests for me because I wanted to get out of __4__ a day early for spring break, you know, beat the crowds down to __5__. The asshole wouldn’t let me! I skipped out on the test and that was like, __6__% of our grade. So yeah, that one’s on him. Then, I mean, you know what I was going through with __7__. It was a miserable break-up. I spent days indoors just __8__ and drinking __9__ in a dark room. I must have listened to __10__ on repeat, like, 600 times. Then I thought it’d be a good idea to hop a quick rebound fling and that’s when I met __11__ at __12__ and…I mean, I feel real uncomfortable telling this to you, Dad, but let’s just say butt stuff got involved. How am I supposed to focus when I’m haunted by dreams of someone shoving a __13__ in my butt? Huh? And work! What about work!? I mean, sure, I never actually got a job, but I applied lots of places! I applied at the __14__, I applied at __15__, I applied at __16__. All of them said I didn’t have enough experience. So, I mean, you never made me get a job before, so I feel like that one’s kind of on you. Anyway, I guess this is a learning experience for the both of us, huh? I guess failure is an option.

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1) Mean professor you’ve had 2) Number 3) Another number 4) Your college town 5) Spring break destination 6) Percentage 7) Ex’s name 8) Verb 9) Booze 10) Sad album or song 11) Person’s name 12) Campus location 13) Uncomfortable object 14) Campus building 15) Campus bar 16) Chain store

Are You SMARTER

THAN?

1) Literature: This Harper Lee classic won the 1961 Pulitzer Prize for Fiction. 2) Food: Chanterelle and Porcini are types of this produce. 3) Geography: Europe’s microstate Andorra is sandwiched between the borders of two countries. Name one. 4) Music: What 80s rap group struck antiestablishment gold with hits like, “Straight Outta Compton” and “F*** the Police”? 5) Biology: The 21 variations of these organic compounds found in the human body allow it to produce thousands of different proteins.

PATRICIA of BROTHER’S DRINKING GAME You Can’t Take it With You Finals are over. Summer is here. Why is it, then, that you’re anxious? Maybe it’s because nothing is packed up and your parents will be here tomorrow. They’re not going to let you take that half a handle, quarter of a fifth, and half a case of beer in the car with you, so, uh…here goes nothin’. What You’ll Need: Whatever beer, wine, and liquor you have laying around. Also, your cleaning supplies. You have those, right? Number of Players: However many roommates you have. Level of Intoxication: You’ll be too nauseous to get lightheaded from the cleaning supplies. How to Play: -Make a list of all the rooms in your apartment. -Divide each of these rooms into a sub-list: Floor, walls and ceiling, furniture, appliances and fixtures. -Draw names. First person drawn gets to choose which room he begins in, etc. -In each room, each participant is required to clean the entire room. -Each time he finishes a sub-segment of the room (floor, furniture, etc.) he may assign a 10-second beer chug or a 5-second wine rip to one of the other participants. -When a participant clears a room, he can assign a shot to another participant. -When a room is cleaned, move onto the next room. -If a participant tops off a garbage bag, he must drop off said garbage bag. -A participant who finishes cleaning a sub-segment of a room may ask the other participants if it is adequately clean. If asked, participants must be honest about the cleanliness of a room. -If a participant cleans a sub-segment of a room and doesn’t ask for a cleanliness check, then assigns drinks and a room is later dubbed not properly cleaned, the person assigned to that room must match the drinks he assigned. The Game Ends When: Your apartment is clean…enough to get most of your security deposit back.

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6) Technology: What tech giant recently bought Oculus VR for $2 billion? 7) Television: What sitcom classic ends with the main character telling a stranger, “Sorry, we’re closed”? 8) Fashion: What hairstyle is defined as a cut with short layers on top with the back left long? 9) Art: Water Lilies is a series of about 250 oil paintings by what French impressionist? 10) Sports: What Hall of Fame-elect was famously known as “The Big Hurt”?

Patricia’s Answers

Correct Answers

1) To Kill a Mockingbird 2) Apples 3) Germany 4) N.W.A. 5) Carbon 6) Apple 7) Cheers 8) Mullet 9) Picasso 10) Rocky

1) To Kill a Mockingbird 2) Mushroom 3) France or Spain 4) N.W.A. 5) Amino acids 6) Facebook 7) Cheers 8) Mullet 9) Claude Monet 10) Frank Thomas

Patricia’s Score: 4 out of 10

RECIPE for DISASTER Oh Shit, You’re Going to be Late, Better Grab a Banana Dude, you said you were going to get up at like, 7a.m. to study for that finance final. You still had to study chapter 8! Well, there’s no time for that now. Just grab a banana, you need something in your stomach. What You’ll Need: A banana. Shut up, they’re delicious. Cook Time: 0 minutes. Fatty Factor: Bananas have like, 200 good calories, dude. Let’s Get Baked: - Get out of bed and put on some pants. A shirt? Do you have time for a shirt? Okay, you better put on a shirt. - Grab a banana from your kitchen. Who cares if it’s your roommate’s banana? -Start speed walking to class. The best part of bananas? You can eat them while you speed walk. -Top Tip: Did you know that if you open a banana from the bottom, those gross stringy bits don’t get all over your banana? -Eat your banana. You can do it! -Not that fast, dude, you might choke. -Haha, yeah, they do kinda look like dicks. Phew, you made it just in time. Don’t throw the peel away, leave it in a doorway, maybe you’ll end up tripping that kid who always asked questions just as the bell rang.

NOMNOMNOMNOM THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM

ten People You’ll See at This Summer’s Music Festivals tex mex wrote this

Well, it’s about that time of the year again. The time when millions of prospective concert-goers spend an arm and a leg on weekend-long summer music festivals without the slightest idea of who’s slated to perform. The pre-festival hype period is a time where parents’ bank accounts are mysteriously emptied of $300, old and new fans alike bitch and complain over whether or not this year’s lineup for a fest is complete shit or not, and drama ensues as you try to figure out who in the hell out of your friends is cool with driving to the stretches of the nation just to see someone you missed at a club show a month ago. Whether you’re an arrogant prick who hates humans and prefers smaller venues, or an obnoxious self-proclaimed hippie who loves nothing more than taking drugs at “festies” and shitting out rainbows, if there’s one thing we can all agree on, it’s that festivals bring out the most diverse group of people outside of a UN meeting. Bonnaroo, Lollapalooza, Pitchfork, Firefly, Electric Forest – doesn’t matter – be on the lookout for these 10 people who you are guaranteed to see, whether you like it or not.

ten people you’ll see at this summer’s music festivals 10.) Girls Wearing Flower Crowns

4.) The Kids who Pass out on Alcohol/Drugs

For whatever reason, coating their arms with badges of honor from every festival they’ve gone to so far isn’t colorful enough, in spite of the mold that’s growing on that Coachella bracelet. Flower crowns seem like a way to say “I’m earthly and care about nature” or some bullshit that would normally take a trending Tumblr image to explain. That’s at least all we can come up with, because there’s no way in hell that these things are actually being worn because they look good. Still, we’d take a ring of plastic flowers from Hobby Lobby over the majority of things that people dress themselves with at EDM fests.

Look, we’re not stupid; we understand that no amount of “just go to festivals for the MUSIC” PSAs aren’t stopping anyone from bringing along their favorite vodkas and illicit drugs. It’s a festival, for crissake. But you’d be hard-pressed to find someone who’s totally okay with some high school grad puking on his shoes halfway through a set from drinking warm Natty for three hours. The same can be said for people who roll a little too hard during the day. Too much ecstasy won’t leave as big of a mess, but no one likes the guy lugging his half-dead girlfriend out of the crowd, screaming as if this was a surprise to him.

3.) Younger Kids with Noise-Canceling Headphones on

7.) Someone Bitching about being Pushed and Shoved in a Crowd

We’re not knocking this at all since we’re so used to seeing the effects of bad parenting every time we walk past Perry’s Stage at Lolla. There’s nothing more heartwarming than seeing younger fellas enjoying themselves with responsible parents who actually don’t want their kids to become deaf at the tender age of six. We’re not really sure how an environment filled with alcohol and pot fumes really meshes with this, but goddammit, they’re trying.

Also known as the person who gives off a stark “Ugh…” as you try to assert yourself to the front of the stage, this is generally someone with a big enough sense of entitlement to put a teenager from SoCal to shame. For whatever reason, the fact that festivals are events designed for hundreds of thousands of people to occupy the same area at once isn’t something that registers for this poor soul who thinks a gentle tap on the shoulder is equivalent to being “like, so totally fucking rude…”

6.) Someone Trying to Validate their Taste in Music... at the Actual Festival 9.) The Saint who has a Spray Nozzle Attachment for his CamelBak One of the defining pastimes of music festivals is watching college kids braving 90-degree weather without water because they think they’re immune to heatstroke. When you’re packed like a sardine against thousands of sweaty, sticky people, the dude who sacrifices his own water supply for the sake of cooling off his sun-burned comrades is like God himself raining down from heaven. This guy usually dons a fishing cap with a smile, too. So, for as much as your passive aggressions build up dealing with drunken kids passing out, you’ll at least have one person to not loathe for the day.

“Oh, you actually wanna see Mumford & Sons over up-and-comers Hippopotamus Shits, who are clearly superior than that radio-tier garbage? Yeah, I’ll be over at the No Fun Stage where all the more low-key, experimental acts are for the day.” This is also the type of person willing to openly berate others for their choice in festival, often citing that “X festival is too ‘commercialized’ these days and that nobody goes for the music anymore.” This person derives their superiority complex from so-called open-mindedness, all the while sucking Pitchfork’s metaphorical dick.

8.) The 30-something-year-old Dude Who’s Only There for His Favorite Alt-Rock Band of the 90s

2.) The Towering Behemoth who’s Your Ticket to the Front of the Crowd

Not all of us were granted the God-given attribute of breaking the six-foot barrier, and that makes snaking through huge crowds more intimidating than progressive. For the vertically challenged, the train pretty much stops when you hit a wall of people who are more inclined to beat the ever-loving shit out of you than passively grouch at your advances. Enter the behemoth, otherwise known as the dude who’s getting to the front whether anyone likes it or not. Latching onto one of these suckers is a lot like being in a school of remora attached to a shark: The big dude won’t really care, and you’re safe from anyone closing gaps on you. What are they gonna do, tell your new, hulking friend that you can’t move up?

One of the select few at the fest who actually has the means to buy a ludicrously priced ticket, this guy is here for one reason and one reason only: to catch his favorite rock act from back in his teenage days, a group who’s just gotten back together or “one last tour.” Usually well-sun screened, sporting cargo shorts, New Balance gym shoes, and a black shirt that proudly displays the band’s logo, he’s completely okay with sitting on the grass hundreds of yards away from any actual stage. He’s a nice guy, just don’t talk about the band. “What’s your favorite song?” will quickly turn into “How would you analyze the band’s aesthetic moving from genre-togenre within their entire catalogue, EPs included?” real fast.

5.) The VIP-bracelet Noblemen who Look Down upon Us Peasants from their Golf Carts 1.) More Bands You Don’t Care about Than Ones You Do Even when tickets sell out faster than you can spam “F5,” no one in their right mind actually considers spending the extra thousand dollars for a VIP pass. We’re too poor to dabble with that sorcery, but we assume that whoever’s riding on a VIP pass definitely is a “very important person,” or at least knows someone important enough to have a shit ton of cash. As they golf cart to and from the air-conditioned VIP lounge, all the rest of us “standard 3-day” people can do nothing but wallow in their awesome might … and lament on the fact that we’d honestly rather joy ride in a golf cart for three days than feel the heat of the sun and buyer’s remorse pelting us from above.

It sucks, but it’s true. From the moment the day-by-day schedule comes out and conflicts knock your lineup of a whopping 50 acts to a measly 15, you’ll realize that you’re not going to see your favorite headliner up close without sitting through at least 3 or 4 bands that you’d rather drink paint than watch. If the mediocre lineup reveal jumpstarted that buyer’s remorse, this is usually the second helping. The Black Sheep understands that heavy drinking is hazardous on such hot summer days, but you’d better drink up at this point, because that two-piece indie folk band isn’t getting better anytime soon.

the m.a.s.h.

oh come on, you remember how to play! tally some marks on the paper for as long as your brain tells you to, then count through the whole list and cross off whatever corresponds with that number. when there’s only one left in each category, boom, that’s your future. live it, love it.

SUMMER LOVIN’ EDITION Summer Slampiece: - Sexy Secretary Intern - Punk Festival Princess - Golf Cart Girl - Ice Cream Truck Ice Queen Summer Sex Slave: - Bad Boy Barista - Mall Kiosk Sunglasses Guy - Toned and Tan Lifeguard - Ring Toss Carnie

Where You First “Made Love”: - Looking at the stars at Lucky Man’s Pass - The supply closet on your lunch break - On your parents’ bed when they were away - In the McDonald’s ball pit after hours

You Spend the Fourth of July: - On a boat with some beer - At a family gathering meet-n-greet - Shoving firecrackers up frogs’ butts - Stuck working a stupid shift

Most Nights are Spent: - Cuddling in front of a campfire - Forgetting each other’s names at the bar - Looking for someone with a dime bag - Watching baseball on TV

Road Trip Destination: - Bonnaroo! - Cedar Point - A National Park camp site - To take care of his/her sick grandma

The First Big Fight Happens When You Can’t get Tickets to: - X-Men: Days of Future Past - 22 Jump Street - Maleficent - Jupiter Ascending

Awkward Break-Up Platitude: - “Summer lovin’, had me a blast.” - “One year from today, exactly, let’s meet here in this very spot.” - “I’ll wait for you, I swear.” - “Chlamydia’s not contagious, right?”

WHY LIVE ANYWHERE ELSE? A P P LY TO DAY F O R FA L L 2 0 1 4

UPGRADED: COMPUTER CENTER, CARDIO ROOM, WEIGHT ROOM, TANNING BEDS, THEATER ROOM, GAME ROOM WALK TO CLASS + RESTAURANTS & RETAIL + INTERNET & CABLE INCLUDED + WASHER & DRYER PRIVATE BEDROOMS & BATHROOMS AVAILABLE + DESIGNER INTERIOR FINISHES + FULLY FURNISHED OPTIONS

CHAUNCEYSQUARE.COM • 102 N. CHAUNCEY AVE. STE F • 765.743.8000 Amenities subject to change.

$100 GIFT CARD AT SIGNING AND $100 RENT REWARD AT MOVE-IN! *While supplies last

WW WILLOWBROOK WEST APARTMENTS