South Carolina - Issue 14 - 12/6/12

The Black Sheep Presents the fun AND games fInals issue Volume 1, Issue 14 12/6/12 - 12/14/12

theblacksheeponline.com @blacksheepUSC

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contents page 4: The Mad Lib “My Last Day of Fall Semester”

Questions? Comments? Compliments? Insults? info@theblacksheeponline.com

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page 5: The Best Ways to Get Arrested During Finals Let’s just say being naked is key.

Table of

page 5: from the streets How do you carry on your college lifestyle when home?

page 7: Our ‘Cocky Christmas List It’s pretty much a four year old’s list, but with more booze.

page 12: christmas movies drinking game make your millionth time watching a christmas story a special one.

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page three p e e h S k The Blaicle App Mob

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Cranny Damn Grey Nots Z Clone

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Send your answers to anagrams@theblacksheeponline.com First five right answers get a prize!

word of the week borantine:

The act of locking oneself into a quiet area to force oneself to study for an upcoming exam.

"Neil put himself into borantine because he knew Adam and Keith would force him to play beer pong, and he really needed to ace his biology exam."

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the madlib

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my last day of fall semester

On my last day of fall semester here at USC my __1__ and I started our day with __2__. It was a great idea because we got way too much fun out of it. We took the __3__ to __4__ where things started to get __5__, even for a Gamecock. Bringing __6__ to the party ended up being a __7__ idea, because there were so many __8__ that I couldn’t help but laugh. All the __9__ at the __10__ ended up causing us a lot of __11__. There were no more __12__ at the party so we left to go to __13__, because even a GDI knows that place is cool. There we found a LOT of __14__. Not only that, but there were a bunch of ___15__ there eating all the __16__. Soon we became __17__ of those people and decided to go eat at __18__. The food made us start __19__ so we decided to go home.

Back at the house one of my friends thought it’d be __20__ to __21__ a homeless guy from Five-Points. The homeless guy was __22___ and started __23__ in his pants. __24__ got everywhere and he wouldn’t stop! We had to call the police but they just stood there and __25__. We didn’t know what else to do so we ran to __26__ where we saw some of our friend’s __27__ in a dumpster! It was so gross, I couldn’t believe how __28__ this last day of school was! Going back to __29__ is really going to seem boring now.

By: the usc staff

1) Word for acquaintance 2) Type of liquor 3) Bus line 4) Dorm on campus 5) Adjective 6) Illicit substance 7) Adjective 8) Type of people 9) Type of people 10) Dorm on campus 11) Emotion 12) Gender of people 13) Campus building

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803-920-4416 | hawgscooters.com | 1928 Rosewood Drive, Columbia

14) Type of people 15) Slutty sorority, plural 16) Food item 17) Adjective 18) campus dining 19) Verb (-ing) 20) Adjective 21) Angry verb 22) Adjective 23) Verb (-ing) 24) Bodily fluid 25) Negative verb 26) Campus fast food place 27) Verb 28) Adjective 29) Shitty out-ofstate city

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From the Streets Got a question you want us to ask?

FTS@theblacksheeponline.com

How do you carry on your college lifestyle when home?

“My parents’ liquor cabinet keeps me in the college lifestyle pretty well.” - Tim

Best Ways to Get Arrested During Finals

“The best thing to do is to keep up the college attitude and don’t take shit from your parents.” - Brent

usc staff wrote this Finals week can be one of the most stressful weeks of the school year. Final exams in the fall are especially stressful since the library is full of freshmen shitting themselves because they’re about to take their first comprehensive tests since high school.

Not only that, but we just got off of Thanksgiving break, and all of a sudden school dumps a big load of crap on everyone right before the Christmas season.

Students deal with this stress in many different ways: study drugs, gravity bong rips, intense video game sessions, and nonstop complaining for a week and a half. Others take the pains of exam stress too far, finding themselves in trouble with the law.

One way people end up in jail during exam week is by turning the library into an open market for study drugs. Exam week changes Thomas Cooper from a house of books into an open-air bazaar for study drugs. Every year some idiot decides to post up on the Mezz to sell Adderall, Vyvanse, Concerta, or Blue Sky. The study drug fad totally takes over the library and every person you walk by is bug-eyed and shaking from the pills. If you want to end up in jail during exam week, just find a couch on the Mezz and loudly start selling your prescription like you’re at an auction house. Eventually security will cuff you up and send you right to jail without passing Go. Another great way to end up in Alvin S. Glenn during exam week is to let stress get the best of you and succumb to the primal urge we all have while at T Coop: Jumping in the fountain naked and letting the cold water wash away the stress of exams.

Studying brings out the weird side in all of us, especially after

spending two straight days in the dungeon that is our library.

The craziness can creep up on those who have sacrificed days to Thomas Cooper, especially young, unsuspecting freshmen who are new to exams. Don’t let the craziness get the best of you during exam week. Take a few study breaks here and there, so you don’t end up butt-naked in the T Coop fountain.

One of the most popular ways to get arrested during finals week is to just say, “Screw it” to your exams and go get drunk in Five Points. The bars downtown may be quiet most nights of exam week, but there are always the select few students who throw their books to the side, and go to pint night to let loose. Exam stress can be depressing, especially after a few drinks, which will inevitably lead you to drink more. Couple this potent exam week buzz with a total lack of other people in Five Points, and you have yourself a one way ticket to Alvin S. Glenn Detention Center.

The cops don’t slow down just because no one is downtown, it actually only makes them hungrier for drunk underage kids.

Exam week can lead to a lot of extra stress that can lead to some very questionable decisions, especially if you are a T Coop zombie from days of Adderall, studying, and paper writing. Try not to let your dazed state lead you down Bluff Road and into Alvin S. Glenn. We all know that questionable decisions tend to happen more when you’re not in your normal state of mind. If it wasn’t for the stress of exams, no one would be thinking of swimming in a fountain in November, but for some, there you are, standing naked in front of the fountain, wondering where it all went wrong.

“My friends at home always have a coming home house party, so that keeps me in the college lifestyle pretty well.”

- Stuart

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quiz: Which Columbia Late Night Eatery Are You? 1) You wake up in the morning and you’re out of clean underwear, you…

A) Say “screw it” and go commando.

B) Say “eh, whatever,” and put on the dirty pair from yesterday.

C) Go home so your mom can do your laundry ASAP.

5) You’re at a house party and you need to puke really badly, you…

A) Go outside to a nice private part of the backyard and let all of the darkness out.

B) Find yourself a good sink to ruin.

C) Continue consuming until it just kinda...comes out.

2) Your friends are going out, but you have class until 8:30p.m., you…

A) Skip class, because you’re going to forget everything you learnt anyway.

B) Go to class sober, wait it out, and play catch-up when you get to the bars.

C) Drink from your water bottle in class, like a boozehound sleuth.

6) You’re downtown and you see some cops arresting a crackhead, you…

A) Scream “PIGS!” at the cops until they look your way.

B) Talk mad shit to the crackhead.

C) Start singing Hootie and the Blowfish songs to the officers.

5: A) 3 B) 2 C) 1 6: A) 1 B) 3 C) 2

7: A) 1 B) 2 C) 3 8: A) 2 B) 1 C) 3

answers:

3: A) 3 B) 1 C) 2 4: A) 1 B) 2 C) 3

4) Someone offers to roll you a blunt, you…

A) Roll that shit, light that shit, smoke that shit.

B) Maybe take a few puffs, it’s common courtesy, okay mom.

C) Tell them bluntly that you “have to study.”

8) It’s Thursday night and you’re thirsty as hell, you…

A) Mosey on over to Saloon for a brew or two.

B) Beg for more, sir, at Pour House.

C) Go to Jakes, where your thirst will be slaked.

1: A) 2 B) 1 C) 3 2: A) 1 B) 3 C) 2

3) Your best friend is way too drunk at a bar and needs your help, you…

A) Get the poor bastard a ride home.

B) Say, “screw ‘em,” someone will take ‘em home.

C) Drag them around all night for the laughs.

7) You’re at a tailgate and the Gamecocks just pulled out the W, as usual. You… A) Start screaming at everyone to set something on fire.

B) Turn up a bottle of whiskey with friends.

C) Find a ride to Five-Points like, right now!

8-12 points: Cook-Out You’re in high enough demand that people are willing to walk through hell on earth to get to you. You offer a varied and delightful personality, and you’re so outgoing that people don’t even have to come inside you for them to love you. And yes, that was a double entendre.

13-17: Qdoba Sure, you’re a little sloppy when you’ve had a few, but no one’s sitting here saying you’re not ambitious. Hell, you have cheese and guac, and beer, and tortillas and…excuse us, we need to use the bathroom. Hey, you have one of those too!

18-24 points: Grilled Teriyaki Sure, you pretend you’re normal, but once the hoodlums come in late-night, suddenly it’s all slurred words and pukey floors.

The Top 10

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things that happened at usc this semester 10.) Pretty Lights & MMG: Whether one’s a fan of trippy electronic music like Pretty Lights or a lover of rap like Wale, Rick Ross, and Meek Mill, this semester offered MDMA-riddled and bluntastic events alike.

9.) Syllabus Week: The first week of every semester is the best, as students have the opportunity to attend the first days of classes, and leave with no work due on the horizon. Syllabus week is the last time until Christmas break that students can throw down—and up-- guilt-free, going balls-tothe-wall without a care in the world.

8.) The “I’m Shmacked” Video: Although there were mixed reviews about the final product, hosting these college party videographers was a sign that we qualify as one of the hardest partying colleges in the nation. And damn, we look great doing it.

7.) The Re-Opening of Salty Nut: Once again a place exists where one can get drinks in the afternoon during happy hour, eat awesome food, continue to drink, and take a quick walk right to Pav’s as the night continues into an early-morning pink mist.

6.) The Clemson Game: What’s better than kicking Clemson’s ass for the fourth year in a row?

Really, nothing. Win or win, this is always an event worth remembering first semester. Hey, South Carolina won again, right? Yeah, they did. Just making sure you were paying attention.

our ‘cocky christmas list usc staff wrote this While our fine university is blessed with an exciting football team, beautiful people, and a great party atmosphere, there are still many things we need here at South Carolina. And this isn’t just a petulant child whining either, we really do need these things. To sate that craving, The Black Sheep has put together a Christmas list in hope that Santa’s magic can bring us some of what we really, truly must have here in good ole’ Columbia.

If South Carolina were to get only one thing this Christmas — and face it, this may be the case, we’ve been pretty naughty — it’d be a competent police department. In the past several years nothing has changed. Talk about silliness, remember when that student who was mugged, but got arrested for Minor in Possession? Ah, good old inability to see the forest for the trees, USCPD. The next item on the ole’ Christmas list is something new and very, very shiny: a National Championship in football. Ah, the AFCA Championship Trophy is the mulitkarat rock desired by sorority gals and frat bros alike. While that is definitely not happening this year, any wish for the crystal trophy in 2014 needs to start with games played in 2013, so get on it, St. Nick. South Carolina has experienced years and years of football obscurity, and until just recently, has rarely been in the spotlight. We’ve started to take steps in the right direction these last few years, but if the school wants us to put out, they’re gonna have to put some bling in our trophy case.

If Christmas is good to us, then there’s no sense in leaving a waterslide for the Strom pool off of our list. Every single day, come spring, the Strom pool will be filled with beautiful girls sunbathing in the tiniest of bikinis (NO FATTIES) after a long workout. This turns it into one of the best places on campus to hang out, regardless of gender or sexual orientation. Sadly, there’s nothing to do at the pool but stare at boobies and sit in the sun. People actually working out in the water are somehow more important than the people who go there just to goof around.

Well us normal, unathletic people need something for the pool too. If you suck at swimming, lifting weights, or running, but still want to chill at Strom, would a water slide not be the perfect addition to the fun in the sun?

5.) Bid Day for Sororities: Hundreds of girls sprinting down the Horseshoe, some in tears, some jumping for joy, and other’s just plain tripping and falling mid-run. Some refer to this event as the Running of The Pigs, but hey, forced anorexia will fix that, huh?

4.) Hallo-Weekend(s): Halloween is one of the best holidays at USC, what with dashing dudes and hotties looking, uh, hot. Couple that with this year’s the opportunity to have two Hallo-weekends since Halloween was mid-week, and we’re talking about one of the best party night—no, weeks!-of the year.

3.) Monday Night Pav’s before Election Day: Pavlov’s on Monday nights is famous for their dollar drinks before midnight, but the night before election night was monumental. The line started to form around 10:30. It wrapped around the entire building, hundreds of students fighting their way in to party knowing they had no class to attend the next day, hoping that the world would end if their candidate didn’t win the election.

2.) Woodlands Pool Party: This party put USC on the map, even getting recognition from Tosh.0.

Woodlands hosted the ultimate pool party in the beginning of the semester, fit with piles of booze and beer, lots of loud music, plenty of people, and even chicken fights that led to topless girls. Is there anything better than topless girls? Well, girls that have self-respect.

The last item on our Christmas list is a giant, pneumatic people-moving tube that will connect the Bates dorms with campus. It’s absurd that the school would build dorms twenty minutes from campus and still expect students to get to class on time. Our school needs a huge, Futurama-style tube that can jet lazy students to class day-in and day-out. We’re all sick and tired of sweaty freshmen sitting next to us in class just because they had to hike twenty minutes uphill to get there.

Our school has many great qualities, but we have not perfected everything on campus.

Luckily there’s Santa Claus who, with his all powerful magic, can bring us a decent police force, a national championship, water slides, and teleportation tubes! Hooray Christmas miracles!

1.) The Day We Shot the (Bull)Dog: One of the most rewarding feelings of being a USC student is getting to beat Georgia in anything, but especially beating them at home, blowing them out of the water, and getting us national recognition - all while hosting College Game Day.

usc staff wrote this

If you don’t start following us...

YOU WON’T KNOW WHAT’S SO DAMN FUNNY.

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orch

SPECIAL NIGHT

Every Day Happy Hour! 4:30 - 7:30 pm: $2.50 Can Beer, $4 Wine, $3 House Liquor

THURS. 12/6

Happy Hour! 4:30 - 7:30 pm: $2.50 Can Beer, $4 Wine, $3 House Liquor

FRI. 12/7

Happy Hour! 4:30 - 7:30 pm: $2.50 Can Beer, $4 Wine, $3 House Liquor

SAT. 12/8

Happy Hour! 4:30 - 7:30 pm: $2.50 Can Beer, $4 Wine, $3 House Liquor

Whiskey Wednesday! $2 Bourbon Free Games with Drinks!

Your Lucky Hour from 7-10: $2 Bourbon or Vodka, $2 Domestics, $3 Imports After 10 and All Night! $3 Bourbon/Vodka, $2 Busch Light Cans, and 20 Different $5 Shots

WEDNESDAY: BINGO! $5 All You Can Drink Tallboys, $1 Busch Light

Tweet for Treat (specials list) Live DJ: 5 Points Largest Dance Party

$2.50 Budweiser, $3 Fireball $4 Goldschlager Your Lucky Hour from 7-10: $2 Bourbon or Vodka, $2 Domestics, $3 Imports

Kareoke 6-10:30!

Pint Night! $2.50 All Pints $5 All You Can Drink Tall Boys $1 Busch Light

$3 Fireball $4 Goldschlager

Freaky Friday with Live DJ

SEC Saturday

Your Lucky Hour from 7-10: $2 Bourbon or Vodka, $2 Domestics, $3 Imports Your Lucky Hour from 7-10: $2 Bourbon or Vodka, $2 Domestics, $3 Imports

After 10 and All Night! $3 Bourbon/Vodka, $3 Fireball, $2 Busch Light Cans, and 20 Different $5 Shots

$1 Busch Light $7.50 All You Can Drink Tall Boys $2 Corona and Corona Light

$1 Busch Light $7.50 All You Can Drink Tallboys $3 Import / Craft Bottles

NFL Package!

S.I.N. Night w/ $1.50 House Liquor, $5 Grandma, $5 Rumple Your Lucky Hour from 7-10: $2 Bourbon or Vodka, $2 Domestics, $3 Imports

Closed

$1 Wells NFL Monday Night Football

$2 Mich Ultra, $2 Blue Moon, $4 Fireball Your Lucky Hour from 7-10: $2 Bourbon or Vodka, $2 Domestics, $3 Imports

Service Industry Night - 50% off!

(Excludes house liquor, $1 Beers and Tallboys) $1 Busch Light Every Day!

SUN. 12/9

Closed

MON. 12/10

Wine Night! $3 Glasses of Wine All Night Happy Hour! 4:30 - 7:30 pm: $2.50 Can Beer, $4 Wine, $3 House Liquor

TUES. 12/11

Taco Tuesday! $5 Taco Basket Happy Hour! 4:30 - 7:30 pm: $2.50 Can Beer, $4 Wine, $3 House Liquor

Tuesday Boozeday! $2 Domestics

$2.50 Yuengling, $2 Tequila, $3 Virgil Kaine Your Lucky Hour from 7-10: $2 Bourbon or Vodka, $2 Domestics, $3 Imports

WED. 12/12

Corn Hole Tournament @ 8:30 PM Winner Gets $30 Bar Tab Happy Hour! 4:30 - 7:30 pm: $2.50 Can Beer, $4 Wine, $3 House Liquor

Whiskey Wednesday! $2 Bourbon Free Games with Drinks!

$2 Mich Ultra, $3 Wine, $4 Fireball Your Lucky Hour from 7-10: $2 Bourbon or Vodka, $2 Domestics, $3 Imports

$2 House Liquor, $2 Tall Boys, $3 Van Gogh Vodka $1 Busch Light

BINGO! $5 All You Can Drink Tallboys, $1 Busch Light

BECAUSE YOU ALWAYS WANT MORE Download our Mobile App! DOWNLOAD FOR iPHONE DOWNLOAD FOR ANDROID

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Rockaway Sharky’s $1 Fireball until Midnight All Day, Every Day!

tuesday & Friday Oyster Bar! $2.50 Vodka and Bourbon and $0.50 Oysters

$1 Busch Light

Pint Night! $1.25 Domestic and $2.00 Imports

$6.50 Tour de Franzia Bottomless Wine

Oyster Bar! $2.50 Vodka and Bourbon and $0.50 Oysters

All Day, Every Day! $2 Jim Beam Happy Hour 4-8 Free Pizza during HH w/ USC ID 2 Fat 2 Fly 5pm to Close

EVERYNIGHT! $2 Margaritas, Bud Light, and Tequila Shots

SPECIAL NIGHT

$1 Busch Light $3 Jello Shots

1/2 off Sangria Night $2 Margaritas, Bud Light, and Tequila Shots Happy Hour Specials 4pm - 2am

THURS. 12/6

Flip Cup Madness! $0.25 Pitchers until 8

$2 House Liquor $2 Margaritas, Bud Light, and Tequila Shots Happy Hour Specials 4pm - 2am

FRI. 12/7 SAT. 12/8 SUN. 12/9

$1 Busch Light $2 Lionsheads

Music Trivia at 10:00 pm

$1 Busch Light $2 Lionheads

$2 House Liquor $2 Margaritas, Bud Light, and Tequila Shots Happy Hour Specials 4pm - 2am

Closed

Crablegs - 3 Clusters for $12.50

Closed

Closed

$3 Pinnacle Flavors $5 Bottomless Wine Night

Shrimp Special!

Fried or Boiled for $0.30 Oysters for $0.50

$3 Pinnacle $2 Lionheads

Oyster Bar! $2.50 Vodka and Bourbon and $0.50 Oysters

College Night!

Monday Night Football! $2 Pitchers, $3 Pinnacle

Trivia at 9:00 pm

MON. 12/10

Service Industry Night!

$2 Lionheads, $3 Pinnacle

$3 Pinnacle 18+ Rave Upstairs 11pm - Close

$1 Margaritas and $1 Bud Light 20% off of your dinner with a student ID | $2 Margaritas, Bud Light, and Tequila Shots | Happy Hour Specials 4pm Midnight

$2 Pitchers, $3 Pinnacle

$1 Margaritas and $1 Bud Light 20% off of dinner with a paystub $2 Margaritas, Bud Light, and Tequila Shots | Happy Hour Specials 4pm Midnight

$2 Corona Night $2 Margaritas, Bud Light, and Tequila Shots Happy Hour Specials 4pm - Midnight

TUES. 12/11 WED. 12/12

Crazy

s ' n o s k c Uncle Ja

! ! ! a z n a n o b t e k s a

b t f i g 0 $2

Hi there, it’s your favorite crazy uncle here, Andrew Jackson! When I’m not busy being the long-dead seventh President of the United States, I’m all about saving college students some money. Why, in my day those crazy college kids, they where the best—they’d rub a piss-soaked sheepskin in a scotsman’s face and call it a Tuesday! Now, you’re getting ahead of yourself ole’ Andrew, you’re on the $20, and that’s ‘bout all kids got to spend on gifts this holidee season, so what can ya’ll kids get, and for whom?

for the very virginal Wallflower, shy guy, “Hey, isn’t that the guy who had his face mangled by a rabid squirrel?”, whatever he’s called, it’s all shorthand for, “This dude has certainly never felt the carnal pleasures of a woman.” He knows it, you know it, and he knows you know it. This holiday season give him some pep in his step by providing him a gift pack that screams, “Please stop making it difficult to discuss sex in front of you and just go get laid already.”

• 1 Pint of shitty vodka ($4): When he finally gets to pop that cherry, he’s not going to want to remember any of it.

• 1 Trojan Pleasures Extended 3-pack ($5): Even Old Faithful blushes when he erupts too early.

• 1 Pocket Kama Sutra ($6): Yes, page one has the missionary position on it.

• 14gb MircoSD Card ($4): He needs to learn from his mistakes, of which there will be many, so he needs something to store the play-by-play data.

for the mother hen Sure, she’s only a sophomore, but before the girls head out she lines them up by height for a quick headcount, lest someone try to escape her Sauronesque glare later in the evening. If a girl talks to a guy for more than fifteen minutes she intervenes, letting him know that “his future rape victim” is taken. She thinks that if one gal deviates from the evening’s plans no one will have any fun, especially her.

• 1 Magnacraft 10x25 pair of binoculars ($10): With eagleeye vision, she’ll be able to

protect other groups of girls from any college campus’ number one danger: Having fun.

• 1 Leash ($6): Like any bunch of bitches, these girls need to be kept close.

• 1 Whistle bracelet ($2): As the sex referee, she needs to decide if Trina needs to spend two minutes in the penalty box for letting Mark spend a few minutes in her love box.

• 1 Appointment book ($2): If Kathy isn’t outside of the club by 11:20 so we can hit the club next door by 11:30, she’s totally out of the group… which is exactly what Kathy wants.

for the Brokest of Bros He’d be the life of the party if he could ever afford to attend one.

Instead, when he does scrape a few bucks together he nabs a handle of the cheapest vodka he can find and watches his one DVD, a stolen copy of Pocahontas, by himself. Hobos are giving this dude change.

• 1 Maruchan Top Ramen Chicken 6-pack ($1.50): He may say he’s so thin because it makes the ladies love him, but you see the way he eyes your nuggets like a feral dog. Dude’s starving.

• 1 12oz bottle of Sriracha sauce ($3): Everything he eats

may taste like shit, but there are ways to mask gross flavors, ask any sorostitute who’s used flavored condoms.

• 2 Months of NetFlix streaming ($9): The first month may be free, but the second month, in the lonely, cold dregs of February, will allow him to cozy up to the warmth of Ron Swanson’s fiery moustache.

• 1 Charmin Ultra Soft 4-pack ($6): Crap goes in, crap comes out, angrily. Might as well have the fluffiest bouncers imaginable guarding the exit, making sure everyone leaves in an orderly fashion.

for the rowdy roommate The first time Kevin punched a hole in the wall was funny.

The second time it was irritating. When he lit the carpet on fire and then peed it out, you finally lost it. Maybe you haven’t spoke to him since September, but a holiday gift basket would be the backhanded holiday season gesture to rekindle that fire. No, not the one on the carpet.

• 1 Dap spackling kit, 1/2 pint ($6): Nothing quite says, “I love you, but I also secretly hate you, so you better fix

this shit immediately” like spackle for the holidays.

• 1 Great Neck 1-inch putty knife ($6): The edges aren’t sharp, so he won’t be able to stab you, accidentally or not.

• 1 Woolite Pet Stain & Odor Remover 22oz bottle ($4): It uses the spray and cleans the carpet, or its remains end up in a tar pit.

• 1 Korky Plunger ($4): Finally, no excuse for him to say, “Dude, you’ll have to shit outside, sorry, I clogged the toilet yacking this morning.”

for the super study buddy If she wouldn’t have lent you her notes for every exam, quiz, paper, recitation, essay, response, presentation, lab, practical and speech that evil teacher in your should-be-easy elective assigned, you’d be jerking off lion tamers in tht circus for spare coins right now. You may not like her, but you need her. How does one say, “Same time next semester?” without coming off like a selfish prick?

• 1 Starbucks gift card ($5): She’ll need a latte to stay up late if she’s going to finish that chemistry lab write-up for you

by morning.

• 1 Study Smart, Study Less: Earn Higher Grades and Better Test Scores ($8): If Rachel doesn’t study harder, how are you going to stay in school AND go out every Wednesday night?

• 1 Post-it tags ($4): She needs to bookmark the important pages, so you can know which pages are important.

• 1 Funky Star sticker roll ($3): Don’t give these to the study buddy all at once. Keep them, and use them as a motivational tool, putting one (with a clever message) on each pack of notes you return to her.

for the hometown homeboy Mary’s nice. She’s funny, she’s smart, she does well with men, hell, she even called you on your birthday-- an actual phone call!

Still, she chose to live with her parents and attend community college, and you want to make sure he knows what you think of her poor life choices. Sadly, those pictures of a football player sucking on ya titties make you look fat, so something else will have to do.

• 1 Soda Can Stash ($8): No matter the vice, a parent will find it.

Unless, of course, it’s hidden in a fake soda can.

• 4 Random shirts from the local

Goodwill ($4): When she’s forced to unironically sport a “Beaumont Football, 2A State Champions Class of 1989” t-shirt as her local sport high water mark, she’ll feel the pangs of sadness not rooting for big-conference sports brings.

• 1 Cigarette Hitter Rod ($5): When she takes a job on the third shift at the local taco shell plant she’ll need to mask her bad habit with another legal, deadlier one.

• 1 Community college bumper sticker ($3): When she realizes she’s too embarrassed to pop this on her Ford Focus, she’ll have to reevaluate her life decisions.

Score, social strata superiority.

HOLIDAY ENTERTAINMENT MATRIX blowin’ up Les Miserables WIZ KHALIFA - O.N.I.F.C.

DJANGO UNCHAINED

KESHA - WARRIOR

WII U

Bruno Mars Unorthodox Jukebox

lame

cool Big boi - vicious lies and dangerous rumors

GUARDIANS OF MIDDLE EARTH GUILT TRIP

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HOTLINE MIAMI

the CHRISTMAS MOVIES DRINKING GAME

Home Alone

A Christmas Story

Take a drink anytime a scene features hilarious head trauma.

Take a drink when anyone says, “Uhh, he should be dead, right?”

Take a drink when you notice product placement.

Take a drink for “KEVIN!” Take two drinks when someone crashes into the McCallister lawn jockey.

Take two drinks for every Old Man Marley sighting.

Take two drinks when Kevin talks to himself and/or breaks the fourth wall.

Chug your drink during “Carol of the Bells.”

Take a drink for every mention of a Red Rider BB Gun. Take a drink when Ralphie daydreams.

Take a drink when Mom serves food.

Take a drink when someone says “you’ll shoot your eye out.”

Take a drink when Randy whines or cries.

Take two drinks when the neighbor’s dogs piss off Mr. Parker.

Take two drinks for every Wizard of Oz reference.

Chug your drink during the Chinese renditions of “Deck the Halls,” and “Jingle Bells.”

Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer Take a drink when someone says “Rudolph.”

Take a drink when Rudolph’s nose lights up.

Keep drinking for the duration of Rudolph’s lit nose.

Take a drink every time that smug snowman interrupts the story.

Take two drinks when a new Christmas character is introduced.

Take two drinks at every Abominable Snowman sighting.

Take three drinks in honor of the Island of Misfit Toys.

Chug your drink when Rudolph flies.

Elf Take a drink when the Naughty or Nice List is referenced.

Take a drink when someone mentions Christmas Spirit.

Take a drink when Buddy sings.

Take a drink when Buddy eats something he is not supposed to.

Take a drink when Maple syrup is shown or mentioned.

Take a drink when Buddy tells anyone he loves them.

Take two drinks when Buddy says “cotton-headed ninny muggins.”

Chug your drink when Mr. Narwhal pops up.

National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation Take a drink when Clark endangers himself or others in pursuit of the ultimate Christmas.

Take a drink when something goes wrong.

Take a drink when a calendar door is opened.

Take a drink when Clark messes with the neighbors, either by accident or on purpose.

Take a drink when any animal or person messes with the Griswold Christmas tree.

Take two drinks when Clark is irritated by Cousin Eddie.

Take two drinks when Clark’s bonus is referenced in conversation.

Finish your drink for every family lesson learned/attempted.

The Muppet Christmas Carol Take a drink when Gonzo and Rizzo get into an argument.

Take a drink when bell rings or a clock tolls.

Take a drink for each Muppet you name incorrectly.

Take a drink when someone says “humbug”, “Ebenezer” or “Scrooge.”

Take a drink when Michael Cane gets teary-eyed.

Take two drinks for each new ghost.

Take two drinks when Jacob and Robert Marley laugh at their own jokes.

Finish your drink when they sing “The Love We Found.”

page 13

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are you smarter than? sharon, usc janitor 1) United States History: Lee Harvey Oswald assassinated President John F. Kennedy from this Dallas location in 1963.

6) Entertainment: Kurt Russell and Nick Nolte -among others -- failed to land a role as this iconic science fiction character.

2) Food: The Trinidad Moruga Scorpion is currently the world’s hottest chili. Chili heat is measured in these units.

7) Literature: This author of the acclaimed novel Infinite Jest is beloved by hipsters and academics alike.

3) Geography: These plates’ edges are found at fault lines around the world. What huge pieces of rock make up the Earth’s crust?

4) Math: Describe the radius, diameter and circumference of a circle.

5) Technology: The daguerreotype was the first commercially successful method of this.

correct answers:

8) World Religion: Medina is the second holiest city in the Islam faith. Which city is considered the holiest?

9) Biology: What is Ribonucleic Acid more commonly known as?

10) Current Events: Name the former Director of the CIA that was forced to resign in light of an extramarital affair.

1) Texas School Book Depository 2) Scoville Units 3) Tectonic plates 4) Radius is from a point on the edge of a circle to its center, diameter is the distance across a circle, and circumference is the distance around a circle.

5) Photography 6) Han Solo 7) David Foster Wallace 8) Mecca 9) RNA 10) General David Petraeus

sharon’s answers 1) Book Depository 2) Heat Units?

3) Tectonic Plates 4) Radius is half the diameter, and the circumference is the whole thing around.

5) Pictures 6) Wizard of Oz? 7) David Wallace 8) Mecca!

9) DNA? 10) General Petraeus

sharon's score: 7/10 correct

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