The Black Sheep FR
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• a college newspaper that’s actually about college •
Volume 1, Issue 4 9/13/12 -9/19/12
theblacksheeponline.com @blacksheepusc
NO WHITE T-SHIRTS ON BID DAY John Cocksman wrote this
The heavens poured down on the Horseshoe, the skies fell and a whole lot of other poetic shit about the sorority girls finding their new best friends forever. Rain poured down on campus as the sorority girls of South Carolina chanted and cheered for their new “babies” to run across the Horseshoe into their loving arms. The spirit was high amongst the ladies, even as they got soaking wet in the storm. No rain could stop the spirit of a sorority girl, especially after two weeks of “no booze, no boys.” The only thing on the minds of the men of USC, on the other hand, was simple: why were there no white t-shirts on this glorious day of girls in the rain?! The University of South Carolina is a school that prides itself on sexual banter. Our mascot is an angry cock and South Carolina’s flagship institution proudly flaunts girls wearing revealing gym shorts with “COCKS” written on their booties. Only at USC will half of Williams-Brice Stadium shout “COCKS” in the aggrandized orgy of athleticism that is Carolina football. Only at South Carolina will you find a running of the bulls-style ho run. The point is simple: whenever rain is forecast for future sorority bid days, white t-shirts are a must. It’s only appropriate - since our mascot is a chicken, shouldn’t we see some breasts? Of the 1,377 girls to rush, 1,103 received bids. The Black Sheep offers our most sincere condolences to the 274 girls who stood in the rain only to experience the most profoundly sad moment possible. Let’s face it: standing in the rain with girls who didn’t want you in their sorority cheering...it’s sadder than a ‘90s music video. One rejected girl observed that “this is just bullshit anyway. I don’t need to pay for friends.” The Black Sheep is on record: we do not condone such an attitude, although we are inclined to agree that a good purchase of friends might be in order. A USCPD bike cop watched the event from a distance, and when asked about his experience he told The Black Sheep that “I’m just here to make sure that that guy we found pleasuring himself the other day doesn’t make another appearance. He’s on the sex-offender registry now, but we’re still on the lookout. We have some suspects, and we expect to find him somewhere in a tree or gutted van.” When asked why so much effort was being afforded by the university to protect the student body from the public
Beautiful, wonderful maria sharapova
masturbator, the bike cop remarked “it’s not like we don’t all go home and beat off to the thought of freshman sorority girls, but you can’t be doing that in public. That’s when you cross the line!” The Black Sheep, was stunned by the police officer’s honesty, and his creepy smile. “It’s just not fair to the rest of us, all these young girls running by, I’m just trying to remember the good ones so I can um…uh… help them later when they’re drunk downtown.” The creepy cop slowly biked off closer to the Horseshoe, we had no more questions.
what’s inside
the top 10: best sec towns to visit
The rain ended with the actual running of the bids, and boy it was an emotional point. The intensity of the cheering reached a tipping point when one sorority girl was sent to the hospital for a heart attack caused by too much spirit. Other injuries included the dignity of everyone involved, four broken ankles, and the hearts of the 274 girls who remained bid less. What slutty, sketchy things these 274 girls did in high school to be denied by every house, we will never know, but trust us, we’d like to.
we interview: abx from the hood internet
she smiles, and grunts, smiles, and grunts.
because our very own, of course.
he has the best idea for a pizza topping ever!
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contents page 5: from the streets
Questions? Comments? Compliments? Insults? info@theblacksheeponline.com
page 7
What is your favorite tailgate location?
page 6: dat Lee harvey oswald swag
Table of
ain’t nothin’ but an assassination plot...
page 7: observations from a yankee freshman it’s hot, and you all are too nice.
page 12: bartender of the week matt from bar none has learned a very valuable lesson from the infamous carwash willie...
page 13: gossiping students feed on blood of other students we definitely didn’t post about the size of our collective penises. not us.
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word of the week Spinsturd:
A piece of poop that wraps all the way around the bowl of a toilet. “Hey Jeff, come look at this spinsturd I dropped after eating all that cheese!”
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Beautiful, Wonderful Maria Sharapova… Does Something in that Sport That She Plays
wing mann wrote this Recent reports indicate that the paragon of womanhood that is Maria Sharapova is doing well in that thing that she does. Sports reporters everywhere agree that Sharapova, known to the world mostly for her all-around beauty, is performing at the top of her game—whatever that may be. Most feel that her success, and the increased television coverage of her that will follow, will result in a surge of new sports fans around the world. “Lately, Maria has obviously been winning a lot. You can tell by the fact that she’s smiling all the time. I love it when she smiles,” reports ESPN anchor John Anderson, staring dreamily off into space as a smile crept over his own face. “Anyway, no one’s still really sure what it is that she does, or where she does it, or why, but as long as it’s making her happy and keeping her in the news, we don’t really care.” The amazing Sharapova’s former fiancé, professional basketball player Sasha Vujacic, was approached for his insight on his ex-partner’s line of work. “I don’t really know what she does. She often started to tell me about it, but then I just got lost in her eyes and it’s like everything else just started to fade away…” Vujacic then broke down into sobs and could not be consoled enough to speak coherently.
Even female onlookers find it hard to root against the charming Sharapova. “Isn’t she just great?” said popular Fox Sports reporter Erin Andrews. “I mean really, I kind of hope she saw that video of me that got leaked online. I don’t know if she’s into that sort of thing, but man… Wait, what were we talking about again?” A team of experts hired to investigate the delightful Sharapova’s pastime has thus far realized only slight breakthroughs. “After hours of studying video of Sharapova’s actions, we’re completely certain that she does indeed compete at some sort of sport” said tennis analyst Darren Cahill at this year’s French Open. “Probably against opponents who are also trying to win. Some sort of ball may or may not be involved.” “We’re trying to find time between all these tennis matches to put in some more study in our investigation, but so far that’s all we’ve come up—Oh.My.Gosh.Look, there she is now! We love you Maria!” The stunning Sharapova then proceeded to do something, likely against someone else less pretty than herself. Following the game, meet, match, or event, the lovely young Russian seemed happy, prompting the mostly-male crowd, which up until then transfixed at Sharapova’s presence, to break out in wild applause at her radiant smile.
! n i l e e e u q Get S
In one final attempt, a collective agreement was reached among reporters to approach the gorgeous athlete and, after lauding her with the necessary compliments in case she forgot how remarkable or beautiful she was, simply ask her what sport she played; However, each writer’s knees became too weak to follow through after hearing the sweet, angelic sound of Sharapova’s laughter before the interview. In related news, Sasha Vujecic was successfully killed earlier today by a horde of angry men.
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From the Streets
[PartyPics]
Got a question you want us to ask? FTS@theblacksheeponline.com
What is your favorite tailgate location? “Memorial Lot, drinking and buying boiled peanuts off that guy with the cart.” - Christian
“Wherever I can get in.” - Jonathan
“Frat lots, I’ll more than likely be there all day because of this new season ticket lottery system.” - Craig
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“Dat Lee Harvey Oswald Swag” comes to charolette usc staff wrote this
On Thursday, September 6th, 2012, a North Carolina man was arrested for threatening to assassinate the President of the United States. The Black Sheep does not normally make light of such heinous crimes, but this particular criminal mastermind was so dumb his tale is worthy of our fine paper. According to an article written by thesmokinggun.com, Donte Jamar Sims, a 21 year-old Charlotte native was arrested and charged with a felony criminal complaint after several tweets threatening the President of the United States. In one of many, Sims said he was going to “hit Obama with that Lee Harvey Oswald swag.” The would-be assassin was thwarted by everyone on the internet after he tweeted five times confirming he truly wanted President Obama dead. In one of his most obtusely dumb tweets, Donte stated, “Well Ima Assassinate president Obama this evening!… Gotta get this monkey off my chest while he’s in town -_-”. Donte is currently locked up in federal detention and is facing anywhere from 25 to 50 years in prison. Surprisingly, to Mr. Sims at least, the government doesn’t really like it when you tweet about killing our country’s leader. In an interview with the Secret Service, Donte admitted to posting the tweets because “he hated President Obama”. According the U.S District Court. Mr. Sims also admitted to being stoned as f*ck when he wrote the tweets, but also that he understood that what he said was wrong. Some of his other genius tweets include gems such as, “the Secret Service is gonna be defenseless once I aim the Assault Rifle at Barack’s Forehead… F* the #DNC,” “Plotting Obama’s Murder,” and the eloquent “Ima Republican Im voting for Mitt Romney, cuz you broke bitches f*cking up the Ecomony #Mercy.” That’s no typo. He really did spell it E-C-O-M-O-N-Y. In his sworn affidavit with the Secret Service Agent Wayne Boug, Jr., Sims was reported to be laughing while the tweets were read aloud to the judge. He asserted that he was sorry that he sent the messages and provided the officer with a written apology.
last tweet before he was arrested, he tweeted “Smoking a L as I wait on my Chinese food.” At least he went to jail for 25 years with a full stomach and a chill buzz.
According to his still active account- @DestroyLeague_D, he also watched First Lady Michelle Obama give her speech the night before. His account shows that he tweeted “Michelle Obama sexy as Hell, I ain’t even gone Front,” he wrote. About 20 minutes later, in another tweet, “Barack ain’t in town? You know Michelle hittin up 935 after this.” Club 935 is a popular night club in downtown Charlotte. In his
Certainly Sims regrets his actions, as he’s facing a good chunk of his life in jail for what seems to be a prolonged lapse in judgment. Because really people, does anyone truly think that a guy who can’t spell “economy” or master basic capitalization etiquette could mastermind a presidential assassination? The real victim, as usual, turns out to be the written language. Twitter strikes again.
The Top 10
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best sec towns to visit 10) Nashville, TN: As the country music capital of the world, Nashville is a prime location to go for a visit. Nashville is loaded with nice country music bars that are awesome if you have the money to spend. Couple that with an assured Gamecocks victory at the expense of ugly nerds, and we’ve got the tenth spot on the list figured out.
Observations From a Yankee Freshman wing mann wrote this I’m a freshman, no use denying it. Also a Yankee, from the North, above the Mason-Dixon line. Is it okay to admit that, too? I’ve been here in Columbia about three weeks already and no one’s beat me up too badly yet, so maybe I’ll get away with it. I’m still going to keep myself anonymous as I give my thoughts on Columbia so far, just in case. Something tells me rednecks with shotguns don’t always play nice. Speaking of rednecks, you all don’t really act the part: Why the hell there are so many squirrels EVERYWHERE? Aren’t you guys supposed to hunt squirrels? For the love of the Second Amendment, do something useful with your guns for once and get rid of some of these acorn-munching douches. You’re all too damn nice: It makes a lot of people from the North feel a little uncomfortable. Why would you hold a door for someone if you’ve got somewhere to be? Doesn’t make any sense, just ignore them and get along with your day. North of the Mason-Dixon, being nice to a stranger means only cursing at them once for bumping into you. And thanking people for every little thing they do for you? “Thank you for taking my order, thank you for holding the door, thank you for the ride home.” Blah blah blah, no one does nothing for no one in this world, quit pretending! Who thanks the cashier in the Russell House for letting you buy food? It’s their job! The servers hate it too, because then they are obligated to say “You’re welcome,” which is just more wasted time. See? It’s a vicious cycle, better to just worry about yourself and forget the niceties.
Nice Cocks, really: I’m from Boston, where fans are renowned for their faith in pulling for teams that routinely disappoint. On that count, Boston fans have a lot of mutual respect for Gamecock fans for, you know, still being fans. Still, the “Cocks” should probably change the mascot, because yelling out how much you love the Cocks still doesn’t sit right with people up North. You’re supposed to name your team something fearsome and intimidating, like the Packers or the Browns… You’re the ones with the accent: Yankees don’t have accents, all of you Southerners do, only one regional dialect can be right. Really, there are only so many words you can drawl in a row before you just start sounding like you’re stroking out. While we’re on the subject, what the crap is “y’all?” That’s definitely not a proper contraction, but it’s said about four times a sentence. Separate it out. There are two words there. You. All. Not that hard, guys. It’s too damn hot here: It’s like hell. Why would anyone chose to live here before the advent of air conditioning. Didn’t they realize they were subjecting their descendants to this heat and humidity? A squirrel spontaneously combusted the other day, so it’s not always bad. You pick weird things to be proud of: References to Strom Thurmond and other super-racist people are everywhere. Guys, this Strom Thurmond guy was famous for being an old, ornery, racist and, quite frankly, he was kind of a creep. My initial observations of the south probably didn’t help your impression of Yankees, did it? Oh well, at least the squirrels like it, I hope.
9) Fayetteville, AR: Arkansas is a redneck paradise. Hardly any big cities, tons of hunting, and all the open space an outdoorsman could want. Fayetteville is located in the beautiful Ozark Mountains and has some of the nicest people ever met on a college campus. After slaying some Razorbacks on the field, hit the woods for some boar huntin’. It’s suppertime, pa! 8) Lexington, KY: Most times of the year, Kentucky is one of the worst SEC schools to drive to. It’s in a strange and unfamiliar state filled with horses and bourbon, but that is exactly why Lexington made our list. During the Kentucky Derby, Lexington is a prime road trip location, if bow ties, sundresses, bourbon and horse races are your thing. Trust us, they are. 7) Gainesville, FL: Now that their football team has been reduced to a shell of its former god-induced glory, Gainesville offers the opportunity for a broad breadth of debauchery. From Guido-heavy dance-offs to lazy, stoned Saturday nights, swinging by never sounded so good. 6) Auburn, AL: Auburn is right across the Georgia border and is one of the closer campuses to Columbia. Known for their classy tailgating, beautiful girls, and their annual Rodeo party, they still don’t quite have what it takes to measure up against their in-state rivals, who make an appearance later in this list. 5) Knoxville, TN: Summer is high boatin’ season, though fall arrives and boats hit dry dock. Not in Knoxville, where boat tailgating means sexy season never turns into Old Man Winter. 4) Baton Rouge, LA: Baton Rouge is the home of the LSU Tigers and some of the wildest college students in America. Straight whiskey is the drink of choice at LSU tailgates, because when you’re living life in the bayou, you’re going to want to forget, well, everything. 3) Oxford, MS: Oxford is the best college town in America. It is famous for its wild, liquor-only, cocktail tailgates in “The Grove” and a short two blocks away is “The Square”, Oxford’s bar area. All the bars are nice with expensive drinks, but many have a ‘brown bag’ policy which means you can bring your own bottle of liquor. 2) Tuscaloosa, AL: Tuscaloosa is the wildest town in Alabama. University of Alabama students are constantly partying and always looking for a good time. One can drive the short six hours and any given weekend will find an epic rager. 1) Athens, GA: Athens comes in at number one on our list for several reasons. While Baton Rouge, Oxford, and ‘T-Town’ are amazing places to spend a weekend, Athens is only a short 3 hours away from South Carolina and offers everything the other schools have. The cops are cool and the people fun as hell. And if we’re endorsing the local five-o, this is certainly a place to be.
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Freaky Friday with Live DJ
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Your Lucky Hour from 7-10: $1.50 Bourbon or Vodka, $2 Domestic Beers, $3 Imports
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As long as the entertainment industry ignores the internet and continues to pour money into cable television, we will continue to be bombarded by mind-numbing commercials. Take some smiling middle-class twenty-somethings with nice jobs and cool clothes, inject a few minorities, and voila, you’ve got yourself a commercial. Despite being material girls in this material world, The Black Sheep wondered what would happen if advertising execs stepped out of their money caves and into the real world. What would these commercials look like if their commercials just dropped the pretence and said what the company was really trying to convey? By: Quinn and Brendan
Miller Lite
5-Hour Energy
Hey dude! Yeah you, sitting alone on the couch! Look at us bros on the TV, drinkin’ Miller Lites and razzin’ each other like dudes do. Look at all the hot girls around us! Look at how hot that bartender is!
Got that been-drinking-for-3-days-straight feeling and it’s only Friday? Second day of frothy acidic coffee shits? Too pussy to reach out to an acquaintance for Adderall? Try 5-Hour Energy. It might trick you into thinking it’s working.
Why are you sitting alone, drinking water and watching football like a pansy? Who does that? No one here does that! Join us, crack open a cold Miller brew and you’ll never look back. You’ll be at a tailgate or a not-decrepit sports bar with your pals! Don’t have any pals? You will if you drink Miller Lite! But if you’re thinking about drinking anything else besides a Miller Lite you can see yourself through the God dammed door. Go ahead, order whatever is on special, and watch as your new hot friends and bartenders call you out for being such a pussy. Drinking anything else is unmanly, you might as well push your penis up inside yourself and wear lipstick.
You are a man, aren’t you? Men have beards, watch football and have sex on women that resemble Grecian goddesses. They don’t, above all else, drink “whatever.” You might as well be some sort of tight jean-wearin’, soccer watchin’, he-she who doesn’t know what good beer tastes like. Our beer is good, and that’s why we’ve invented bottles and cans that funnel it down your throat as fast as possible.
AXE Body Spray
Listen, you’re a hard-working person who doesn’t have time to make coffee. While your co-workers sit in the dark pit that is their cubicle, drinking latte after latte and thinking about hanging themselves in the shower later, you’re chock-full of B-Vitamins and Guarana – it’s basically gasoline for humans! Drink a 5-Hour energy every morning and you won’t not be not having sex and running on treadmills before dawn! DAWN! You don’t need to nurse your hangover with “food” or “sleep,” 5-Hour Energy has everything your body needs in a 1.93 oz package! Plus, you won’t crash!*
Hello there, our very stoned friend. Sure, you could change the channel, but that remote is literally three feet away, and after that fourth bong rip we both know you’re not lifting a finger.
Well, it’s because you’re not getting enough of that sweet, sweet pussy.
Instead, we’re going to show you some images of delicious, low-rent Tex-Mex food. Yeah, look at the way we drape that velvety cheese-flavored wax blend all over finelyground possum assholes. Right now you’re wishing you could fire that gooey goodness into a spoon and inject it straight into your cholesterol-laden bloodstream. Oh, but we’re not done yet. After that we’re going full-on H.A.M., wrapping that bitch up in flour tortilla, smothering that thing in cheese, then wrapping another deep-fried corn tortilla around that diarrhea missile. Sure, you’re going to shit your pants later, but that just means you can shove some more Type-2 Diabetes down your gullet.
The problem isn’t your general disgust towards mainstream music, movies, television shows and books. It’s not your obsession with Minecraft. It isn’t your greasy, unwashed hair, or your chain wallet, or the black jean short and Queensryche t-shirt combo you sport in the middle of December. Nope, you’re not fist-deep in freshman snatch right now because you don’t smell like a dumpster behind a strip club. You need to get in the car right now and head to your nearest department store. Park
*In you won’t crash the airplane you’re not flying. An emotional crash, however, is guaranteed. Imminently.
Taco Bell
Sitting alone in a corner? Does the scent of self-loathing seep through your pores? Feeling like you’re slowly slipping away from the world because you exist on a different plane of being?
So listen up faggot, you need some Axe Dark Temptation Body Spray before you put that Glock to your temple and double tap your way to the big Poon Tang Palace in the sky.
So get to the store and grab yourself a case. Stock your cabinets with 5-Hour Energy, people won’t think you’re a psychopath, they’ll think your smart and awesome! Are you a boring old office worker? You should drink 5-hour energy! Are you a boring old construction worker? You should drink 5-Hour Energy! Are you an inmate snowman? 5-Hour Energy!
in a handicap spot, because if we’re being realistic, you’re afflicted with a mean case of Vagophilia. Hustle down to men’s health products and just grab the first can you see. Spray that shit all over your body. Just… just empty that bitch out. If you think you’ve sprayed enough, you haven’t. Alright slithound, now it’s time for you to get all up on the bitches. You see, we lace our shit with chemicals that draw them sluts towards you. Pheromones or hormones or something. What Einstein, does it look like we went to college? Either way, you’ll have some whores moaning all up on you when you’re Axin’ and relaxin’.
“But I’m way too high to drive, and it’s almost 10:30p.m.,” you foolishly mumble to yourself. Hah! Don’t you know we’re open later
than shit? We invented the fourth meal to eliminate the anguish degenerates like you feel when you’re mouthfucking your food hole mere minutes before you pass out from exhaustion after a long day of self-loathing and jacking off. So yeah, we’ll wait a few hours for you to hop in your 1997 Chevy Lumina and haul your “sober enough to drive” ass down to the nearest Taco Bell. And don’t forget to pick up some Baja Blast when you swing through, that shit is legit.
the interview
the hood internet
Do you like the Beastie Boys? What about Adele? Too bad they’ve never put out an album together. But wait! Don’t act so glum! There’s always mashup acts like The Hood Internet to make your wildest musical dreams come true. We spoke with The Hood Internet’s Aaron Brink, also known as ABX, about making their type of music, and their newest, less mashup-y album, FEAT. By: Brendan The Black Sheep: How does a collaboration of this sort work on the production side of the music? Like, with a more traditional music outfit there’s a drummer, guitarist, bassist, etc. People have roles to play. How do you guys divvy up the workload? ABX: We both end up doing everything. Sometimes that means that we are working on tracks individually, but for bigger projects we are constantly sending stuff back and forth. It’s kind of like a band in that you end up playing off what the other person adds to a track. The difference is that we’re collaborating over the internet rather than in person in real time. TBS: How does it work for a live show? ABX: Live shows are more of a DJ set, but without the turntables and both of us pulling from the catalog of tracks we’ve made over the years. For this tour in support of our album we are adding in more elements of a live band and mixing that with our more traditional DJ set. We have some extra musicians joining us to do live instruments and we mix that in with some pre-recorded tracks that we trigger live. TBS: Your new album, FEAT, gets away from the sampling. How challenging was that for you? Did you find artistic freedom in it? ABX: We definitely welcomed the challenge of building something from scratch rather than constructing it from samples. We’ve been doing the mashups for five years and have a pretty solid formula, so it was freeing to step outside of that for this album. The biggest challenge of working sample-free was just that it takes a lot longer to put something like this together. It’s a lot easier to pull from our music libraries, mix a track, and post it our website than it is to get in the studio and record something new. TBS: Does “FEAT” mean anything as an album title? ABX: All of our tracks on the album feature several singers, MCs, or instrumentalists. It’s all a big collaboration and FEAT references those featured artists. We also liked the dual meaning of the word. Going from posting mixes on a blog for our friends, it feels like a feat to be putting out a full-length [album] with so many cool guests. TBS: Conceptually, how do you decide to cut an album into tracks? Like, how do you decide, “well, this is a cool stopping point”? ABX: We kept FEAT to ten tracks, which I think gave us enough room to present the variety of what we do while also having something that felt like a cohesive album rather than just a collection of songs. With the number of collaborators that we have, you run the risk of having it not fit together as a whole if you do too many songs. We’ve previously done mixtapes which can be a bit sprawling and wanted this to feel different. TBS: Do you have a “holy shit” moment in your music making career? ABX: When we started out doing this, we would sample an artist, end up meeting them at a show or festival, and find out that they heard our track and liked what we did. That was pretty unexpected given that we were just putting music on our website and not trying to get anyone specific to hear it. Some of those connections ended up actually leading to guests on our record, which was also a “holy shit” moment. TBS: What’s your work schedule like? ABX: It’s pretty flexible. I like to work on music in the morning and when I’m traveling for shows. It helps to have a few things I’m working on at the same time so that if one isn’t happening I’ve got something else to do. TBS: What’s the most interesting thing you’ve had the opportunity to do as a result of your job? ABX: We made a giant Hood Internet logo out of multi-colored tacos. I guess we could have done that even if this wasn’t our job, but that would have been weird. TBS: What’s on your perfect pizza? ABX: It would be really cool to have a pepperoni pizza, but where the pepperonis are actually their own tiny pizzas with tiny pepperonis that are even smaller pizzas.
the big three
entertainment-y things we’re all excited about.
Band of Horses - mirage rock out september 18
Indie-rock darlings Band of Horses are back with their fourth studio album, Mirage Rock. These sleepy Seattle natives have undergone several changes in the past few years, while always keeping their signature style of pseudo-bluegrass tunes mixed in with catchy pop and rock beats. Check out their new tracks, "Dumpster World" and "Knock Knock."
liberal arts - in theaters out september 14
Cute, bearded, single, unemployed, and 35, Jesse Fisher (Josh Radnor, from How I Met Your Mother fame) gets asked to speak at his favorite college professor's retirement party. While back on campus he, naturally, falls for a cute, precocious sophomore Zibby (Elizabeth Olsen) and awkward love ensues. Cue the cute emotional cuteness!!!
SNooki & jwoww - Season finale thursday, september 13 @ 10 p.m.
Curious to find out how the summer of Snooki and JWOWW will end? Well if you've looked at any magazine covers or been on the internet at all, you probably know. But what you won't know are all the ridiculous and entertaining intricacies of the two guidettes that only a supremely edited show will give you. And let's all applaud for a season 2, in production now!
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theblacksheeponline.com
bartender of the week matt b. bar none What’s your favorite shot to make?: The Perfect Pussy. It’s Crown Royal, peach schnapps, and Red Bull. How long have you worked here at Bar None?: 8 years running now. What’s your favorite story from working here?: One Christmas eve, several years ago, we had a homeless guy you might know, Carwash Willie, taking out garbage for us for big tips. Well one Christmas Eve, Carwash was finishing up and we went and asked him if he wanted to smoke some crack. Carwash was taken back at first but after one of the doormen gave him five dollars he went off to find a dealer. After about 15 minutes, Carwash comes back with four dollars worth of crack and a dollar bill. Well, Carwash asked us if we’d smoke with him and obviously none of us did but we gave him a $100 tip for his work and sent him on his way. Moral of the story; you can always find crack in Five Points, even if it’s a 3 a.m. on Christmas Eve.
Have you ever been in any crazy fights here?: Not especially, one time a Citadel student came here with his girlfriend who was using a fake I.D. I was working the door at the time and the student sucker punched me in the face. He was arrested before I could even get up. Unsurprisingly, he was kicked out of the Citadel. After you get off work, what the first bar you go to?: Either The Loose Cockaboose over on Bluff, or Drip. Can we find you working any other bars?: Nope! Did you work any bars before this?: I used to work for a short time at Group Therapy. Whats the best part of being a bartender here?: One word, freedom. On a scale of miles per hour, how drunk do you get on a normal night?: Oh, definitely 80 in a 70. What’s the best night to find you working here? Fridays, for sure!
the drinking game
Categories
Recipe for Disaster
Nutter Butter French Toast
Forgive us, loyal boozers, for we have sinned. We’ve been so preoccupied with partying hard that we forgot about the pleasures of just casually drinking among friends. Do your liver a favor and try this one out.
Have you ever bit into a Nutter Butter and thought, “Wow, it doesn’t get any better than this!”? Well think again, because we’re taking your favorite buttery nuts to the next level.
What You’ll Need: Beer and beer only. Number of Players: Four or more. Level of Intoxication: You’ll get a great buzz going, so even if your alcoholic self wants to go hard, this is a good way to pregame.
What You’ll Need: Bread, bananas, peanut butter, and butter. Cook Time: As long as it takes your ex to bust a nut, so like, 10 minutes. Fatty Factor: It’ll give you a little chub, that’s for sure!
How to Play: - Grab some beers and sit around a table. - Choose a broad category, like U.S. states, colors, Adam Sandler movies, etc. - Going around the circle, each player must say a word that falls under the chosen category. For example, if “Adam Sandler movies” is the category, possible answers would be Happy Gilmore and Billy Madison. - If a player can’t think of an answer, they must drink their beer for five seconds. - If a player repeats an answer that was already said, the player must take a sip of beer along with the person originally said the answer. - Once someone messes up, switch to a new category. The Game Ends When: The beer runs out, and everyone just wants to call it a night. We’re tired from being so glamorous, give us a break, uggo.
download our app for all of our drinking games!
Let’s Get Baked: - Beat eggs in a bowl. - Spread one tablespoon of peanut butter on top of each slice of bread. - Cut up your banana and spread the pieces across your peanut-buttered bread. - Put the pieces of bread together, making a peanut butter and banana sandwich. - Melt butter into a frying pan. - Dip your sandwich into the beaten eggs. - Place the sandwich on the heated pan and cook until both sides are brown. If you’re really trying to indulge, grab your two main squeezes, Aunt Jemima and Betty Crocker, and smother syrup and chocolate all over this delicacy.
Hungry for More? theblacksheeponline.com
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the black sheep mobile | for iphone & android
Gossiping Students Feed on Blood of Other Students usc staff wrote this Guess who’s back? Back again! ACB’s Back! Tell a friend! But not really. The world wide web’s dark side, known throughout the halls of Columbia’s freshman dorms and around the Horseshoe, has returned in a reincarnated, albeit less juicy form. Some time ago, some moron decided that it would be totally awesome to make ad money off the misery of other college students. And so this crazy, gossiping college student created Juicy Campus. Juicy Campus was the original anonymous college board, and it lasted a few years until a girl killed herself over it and shit hit the fan. The website was taken down, but soon after College ACB (Anonymous Confession Board) came in to fill the void of stupidity. ACB was huge in 2009, packed full of gay-outings, name calling, and Greek life gossip. Every week it was someone new on the anonymous chopping block. ACB suddenly and mysteriously disappeared back in 2011, and people started to live happily once again. Things were good here while ACB was taken down. People stopped ranking sororities and fraternities, closeted homosexuals were able to come out on their own terms, and the more promiscuous types could keep their conquests to themselves. With this reincarnation all of that has gone out the window. Now another random internet nerd decided that he’d step up where others got put out, and created another version of the same old stuff. The same basic shit is back, back again. At The Black Sheep, we recommend telling a friend, because
you might be alerting them that some idiot who likes to troll is talking about them on the internet. The topics are pretty bland right now, but the year is young and the sorostitutes are just coming out to play now that rush is over. New topics include threads about the “hottest sorority girls,” and “most attractive fraternity guys.” But in all seriousness, nobody gives a shit... yet it’s back! Another topic of conversation includes one curious poster inquiring as to the identity of the chick “who hung her tits out at the epic Woodlands pool party.” However, while The Black Sheep places a very high emphasis on comedy, humor, satire, and other stupidness for your reading pleasure, we recognize that with the reintroduction of an anonymous confession board to the student body there is great potential for misuse, personal attacks, and petty argument about whose pledge class is the best. We stress that if you have something you’d like to share with the world, send it to us! We’ll post the gossip you’re dying to share with the world with a nice big picture of you, and your full name! There’s nothing wrong with talking shit, as long as it has your face attached to it. There’s nothing worse then the coward behind the keyboard ruining someone else’s college experience. Don’t make personal attacks against your peers, because even if you mean it in good humor (as we always do), they might not be down for the party when the jeering is at their
expense. There is so much terrible potential in this crap and we hope that everyone plays nicely on the jungle gym that is the internet, because no matter how fun it is to kick someone else off, it sucks when you’re the guy who’s eating sand on the playground. Please think before you go on the internet to talk shit about someone who doesn’t even matter.
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the photo hunt
can you find all 10 differences in this lecture hall? email us at puzzle@theblacksheeponline.com with the locations or a picture of your findings and win a prize!
the classtime
summer & winter olympic sports
Across
1) A certain Cleveland-native comes to mind. 3) Love! 4) Nicole Richie would suck at this sport. 7) Float like a butterfly, sting like a bee. 10) Tweet, tweet. 11) Neigh! 12) This grappling sport means “gentle way.” 13) Hipsters on steroids. 17) Stickin’ that booty out for the good of the sport. 18) Housewives would pick this up so easily. 19) A new addition for the 2016 Rio games.
5) Forrest Gump would definitely win a gold medal. 6) These nasty people get flexy. 8) Iceland digs this sport the most. 9) Really intense football, basically. 14) First played in 19th century Canada. 15) White picket. 16) This was known as yachting until 1996. 20) One of the most dangerous sports.
Down
2) Skeet, skeet, skeet. 3) Three times the difficulty.
Answers
Six degrees of separation
Think you know how Roseanne Barr and Matthew McConaughey are connected?
Send us your answer at classtime@theblacksheeponline.com for your chance to win a pretty awesome prize!
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Meet The Staff campus manager Scott Bellanger Editorial manager Michael Rinderman Advertising Managers Matt Garibaldi Justin Mims Ryan Skelly Writers Cody Brown, Mel Gaddy Mike Singer, Michaella Grissett photographer You? Come on... distribution manager Top Secret Ninja promotions manager Alyssa Walter
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campus director Brendan Bonham owner Atish Doshi Founders Scott Bellander, Matt Garibaldi, Justin Mims, Ryan Skelly, Atish Doshi, Brendan Bonham, Heather Jo Erickson, Jimmy DeBlasio, Jessica Sommers, Quinn Myers Questions? info@theblacksheeponline.com Advertising? ads@theblacksheeponline.com Hate Us? lame@theblacksheeponline.com
Adam’s University Bookstore 5 Points Pub Back Porch Bey’s The Big Ugly Blue Tile Skateboards Breakers Cantina 76 Carolina Cafe CJ’s College Grounds Cafe Cycle Center
D’s Wings Dano’s Pizza Flying Saucer Garnet River Walk Granby Groucho’s Hawg Scooters Jake’s Bar and Grill Kellys Deli and Pub The Library The Lofts Lucky’s Mellow Mushroon
Disclaimer The Black Sheep in no way promotes, encourages or supports binge drinking, and/or under-age drinking. This newspaper is designed for entertainment purposes only and does not recommend attempting anything printed in this publication. Please drink...responsibly and legally.
Natural Vibrations Olympia Palmetto Outdoors Parrotheads Pawley’s Front Porch Pinch Pizza Joint Pizza Man Publick House The Range The Rapids Red Hot’s Riverside
Rockaway’s Rolling Stone Sakitumi Grill & Sushi Bar Salsaritas Senor O’Malley’s Sharkey’s State St Pub Tin Roof Tio’s Uncle Hesters University of South Carolina Bookstore Village Idiot
Vista Tanning Wild Wing Cafe Woodland’s World of Beer University Oaks Stadium Suites Pointe West Copper Beach All Greek Houses AND MORE!
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the classtime
Mansion. Apartment. Shack. House.
Best Man: • Bob Barker • Bob Costas • Bob Ross • Bob Marley
Wedding Entertainment: • Synchronized Swimmers • Soulja Boy • Salsa-Making Instructors • Sammi Sweetheart
Unfortunate Incident: • Parasailing Accident • Poops Oneself • Pregnancy • Painkiller Addiction
Maid of Honor: • Heidi Montag • Heidi Klum • Heidi Fleiss • Hawt Heidi, the local stripper
Honeymoon Destination: • Fallujah, Iraq • Fat Camp • Fort Wayne, IN • Fantasy Factory
Career Path: • Meth Cook • Marriage Counselor • Master Gardener • Maid
Wedding Caterer: • Chick-fil-A • Church’s Chicken • Chili’s • Crock Pot Potluck
mode of transportation: • Jetski • Jet Boat • Just Walkin’ • Jalopy circa ‘91
Claim to Fame: • Found Alien Life • Famous Zucchini Bread • Fruit Basket Tattoo • Flimsy Arms
some dots on the page until a friend (or your brain) tells you to stop. Starting with M.A.S.H., go around the board crossing off whatever How to play Doodle option corresponds with your number. Go around the board until only one of each category is left. That, my friend, is your future. Enjoy it.
It’s a Semester of
L.u.c.k
200 BIKES ON CLOSE OUT
Lucky’s University of Cocktail Knockouts
WE ARE LOOKING FOR 4 USC GIRLS TO TRAIN HOW TO BAR TEND FOR CASH, PRIZES, AND YOUR OWN PERSONAL PARTY AT LUCKY’S!
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