The Black Sheep
FR ca EE.. nn . Li ot ke ch a g a- am aa e -a bir aa d -a yo an u ge .
• a college newspaper that’s actually about college •
Volume 1, Issue 6 9/27/12 -10/3/12
theblacksheeponline.com @blacksheepusc
New dining options offered at Russell House cody mann wrote this Renovations at the Russell House aren’t quite finished, but students eating at the Student Union will soon get to take advantage of several new dining options along with expanded menus at existing restaurants. The biggest and most called-for move involves the opening of a second Marble Slab location on the bottom floor of the Russell House. Newly formed sorority Eta Pi (full story in the August 16 edition of The Black Sheep) has raised a myriad of complaints about the current upstairs placement of the popular ice cream shop; namely, the first step on the staircase, the second step on the staircase, and the third step on the staircase. Other students have expressed excitement that the upstairs Marble Slab will no longer be completely out of ice cream every day. It has already been confirmed that Burger King will have a much larger menu after the expansion, as an announcement has already been made stating that the popular burger chain will begin offering customers a choice of what kind of hair they would like to find in their food. Proponents of the move say that the added choices will multiply the possible menu combinations tenfold. Others are happy to see a change in what is generally perceived as an unhealthy place to eat. “I’m so glad that Burger King is taking an initiative to do something about its unhealthy reputation,” said one student. “I mean, the food itself is terrible for you anyway, but when you coupled that with the nasty surprise of finding an armpit hair sitting on your lettuce, it really was quite disgusting. But now that I can just pick to have an ear hair instead, I think it really balances out the lack of nutrition thing. Good for them for seeing such a good marketing opportunity.” Among the completely new vendors that will be available is a sno-cone stand that will be sponsored by Bates West. When asked about the origin of the idea, the Bates West spokes-student cryptically replied, “It was just something that nature was calling to be done.” “We had an opportunity, using our dorm’s ice machine, to
Lost Fraternity Bro Cheats Death in Woods
bring something cool to the rest of campus,” added another Bates West resident. “We think it’s a pretty smart idea. In fact, some people are already calling us ‘the whiz kids’ for having such a great business venture.” When asked for more details about the sno-cone stand, the resident informed The Black Sheep that, for now, lemon will be the only flavor offered. The sales from the stand are expected to go toward general fixtures for Bates West, including getting rid of the stains in the elevator along with “that Bates smell,” as one resident described it. Another new feature is the forthcoming addition to Taco Bell. As a Taco Bell representative stated:
what’s inside
Are You Harry Potter or are You Just Drunk?
His crib sheet told him to smash some more brews.
yeah but, Why can’t it be both?
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“Instead of buying food, students will be given the alternative of buying a hypodermic needle, which will inject a mixture of Dorito paste, wet cardboard and cow entrails, um, I mean, beef…directly into their bloodstreams. We feel that this is a much healthier way to ingest our food, as it will avoid taxing their digestive systems directly. We only have our customer’s health at heart.” Students are advised not to donate blood for several days after choosing to use a Taco Bell Inject-a-Meal. In related news, wait times at the Russell House Chick-fil-A are expected to double in the near future.
flipping the script
What happens when your favorite TV character stops being fake, and starts being real?
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contents page 4: Shaw and Thompson Refuse to Leave Practice Field
Questions? Comments? Compliments? Insults? info@theblacksheeponline.com
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What, are there, like, free tacos there or something?
page 5: from the streets
Table of
What’s the best part about game day?
page 8: The Top 10 Drunk Sing-ALong Songs How did “Di Quella Pira” not make this list?
page 11: The Black Sheep Interviews: Junk Culture This modern one-man band is in the gnome.
page 12: bartender of the week Justin R. at C.J.’s once met a girl. She sounds awesome.
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Arianny Celeste & Ryan Phillippe
word of the week
Castrabate: A forced stoppage of masturbation by either party in a relationship.
“Dude, ever since Ann gave Keith the castrabate ultimatum he’s been arrested twice for beating up strangers in the street.”
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Shaw and Thompson Refuse to Leave Practice Field mike singer wrote this Last week, Connor Shaw and Dylan Thompson engaged in a standoff after practice. Both of the competing quarterbacks refused to leave the field at the end of practice Wednesday night. Both wishing to be the “first to show and last to leave” with hopes in becoming Steve Spurrier’s top choice for Gamecocks quarterback, also known as The Anti-Garcia. The Gamecocks are looking for a hard-working, responsible quarterback to make up for years of Stephen Garcia’s embarrassing tenure. Both quarterbacks continued to take snaps hours after practice with their respective centers. Eventually the centers grew hungry and tired and left the field. Meanwhile, the dedicated quarterbacks continued to practice throwing, three-step drops, and roll outs all night long. At 10p.m. the lights were turned off and maintenance kicked the duo off the field. The quarterbacks sat in the parking lot carefully watching and waiting for the other to leave. The standoff continued into the morning and throughout the next day. Shaw and Thompson eventually returned to their homes to study plays. Though many know Shaw and Thompson are both dedicated to the team, the question remains: who can become the greater Anti-Garcia. Who has the more positive mental attitude? Who is willing to make more sacrifices for the team? Who is less addicted to pain killers and weed?! These questions will be answered over the coming weeks. For many, it is important to grade quarterback mentality on a spectrum that ranges from Stephen Garcia—players who couldn’t make it out of college for one legal reason or another-- to virgins with positive moral values like Tim “BJs only” Tebow. Ever since Garcia, Spurrier and the rest of the Carolina Gamecocks coaching staff have stopped tolerating drunkenness and partying from their quarterbacks. That type of shit may be alright for a defensive end, a wide receiver, or anyone
on UGA’s roster, but not for a Gamecocks QB. Thankfully, there’s plenty of gray area between the two poles. Sex is a great way to blow of quarterback competition stress, while drinking is another useful tool in moderation. If there is one thing that can be learned from previous quarterbacks, it’s to find a balance of partying and quarterbacking. Stephen Garcia lost his chance and Tim Tebow well, he just sucks. Both Shaw and Thompson have embraced the thick gray line that rests between the two men. Spurrier commented on Shaw’s practice ethic stating, “He works hard, sometimes maybe works too hard.” Thompson, hearing this, immediately began doing push-ups in the corner of the media room. Shaw was expected to return and start for the duration of the 2012 season, but he has already suffered injuries to his shoulder. South Carolina has gained confidence in Thompson after his performances in the past couple of weeks but a coach’s decision on a starting quarterback is more in-depth than fans make it out to be. The battle will continue for the rest of the season until one of the two is severely injured or crumbles under the responsibility of being a SEC quarterback. Well, assuming they can be dragged off of the practice field in time for game day.
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From the Streets
[PartyPics]
Got a question you want us to ask? FTS@theblacksheeponline.com
What’s the best part about game day? “Showing Missouri where the real Columbia is!” - Jake
“All these pretty girls, Carolina girls are the best in the world.” - Sean
“All these drunk parents!” - George
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PFGs, Costas and Chacos Help Lost Fraternity Bro Cheat Death in Woods Spencer Dangerfield wrote this The young man who became lost in the North Carolina mountains while “bro-ing” out on a camping trip with a few of his buds has been found safe. The alpha-male junior at the University of South Carolina was reported missing Saturday night after a spontaneous decision to “f*** school and throw back some brews in the mountains.”
studying when we could be in the woods not studying?” It was that moment when the boys hopped in James’ 2005 4Runner and charged on yonder to the mountains with the clothes on their backs and enough beer to sink a canoe. “The first night we got there was a s***show. I challenged him to a case race.” Fudds added.
“Word, I’m alive. It’s no big deal, ” said James McMaster. “I’m just happy to be out. The past couple days I was freaking out, man. I kept thinking I was gonna die, I always hear girls say YOLO, but never took it seriously. Right when I heard someone scream back to me through the woods, I was just like, ‘Thank you sweet baby Jesus.’”
Was it indeed a miracle? Or perhaps what James was wearing was what saved him from the treachery of the woods? We met up with McMaster recovering in satisfactory condition at the Boone County Hospital for answers. McMaster began, “ I remember waking up face down in dirt Sunday morning. I found a stream running through the woods and thankfully I was wearing Chacos, which allowed me to wade through the water with ease.
Deputy Wallace of the Boone Country Police credits Bruce the bloodhound for the rescue after he picked up the three-day old scent of Busch Light on McMaster, who, days before, drunkenly shot gunned a beer, spilling half on his shirt. “Doing well, thanks to the dog, who’s a good bloodhound, yes you are a good bloodhound, yes you are Bruce,” Wallace said while feeding Bruce a treat. If Bruce could talk he probably would have said “I wish I had a tennis ball,” Deputy Wallace, Bruce’s faithful owner explains. The officer described the moment when he found McMaster, “Eventually, I saw a Patagonia hat lying on the ground and knew we had to be close. After yelling James’s name a couple times I finally heard a weak response: ‘Yo bro-man, I’m over here’.” James and his friends say they were in the library studying for a biology exam when one of them wondered, “Why are we in the library
We interviewed James after he got settled back in on campus, and he described to us how he managed to survive. “Along the river, I found tons of useful stuff like an unopened Busch that I must have dropped the night before. I had tons of pockets on my PFG shirt I had never used before because I thought they were just for decoration, and I was able to store everything useful I found in them to save for later.” “The scariest part was coming across a black bear. I quickly put on my Costas and used glare from the sun reflecting off the bright blue lenses to startle it, making that big ole bear run away. I always underestimated the intensity of my Costas. At one point I came across a giant tree lying in my path with no way around it. Thanks to my super
short and super-tight PFG shorts I was able to gracefully maneuver over the tree without snagging my jewels on a branch. The gracefulness of the climb over made me realize how short my PFGs actually are, and I started wondering if I really needed to wear them everywhere I go in life.” “Occasionally, I ran into some thick brush growing in my path and my pocketknife came in handy as I cleared a path for me to continue. I never would have thought my knife could be used for something other than opening a beer before I shotgun it on game day. I went on like this for two days before being rescued by Bruce the bloodhound. I guess the lesson I took from all of this is that wearing such outdoorsy clothes around campus, to class, and parties isn’t unnecessary and silly.”
The Top 10
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DRUNK SING-A-LONG SONGS 10) Bon Jovi - “Livin’ On A Prayer”: There’s absolutely no reason for you not to know what to scream after hearing the line, “Whoaaaa we’re halfway there,” unless you’ve been living in an underground cave in the middle of the boonies your whole life. Everybody and their mothers will wake up without their voices the next morning after making sure the next town over can hear you belting “Whoaaa livin’ on a prayer”. Harmony amongst drunks at its finest. 9) Queen - “Fat Bottomed Girls”: Still one of the band’s finest moments, its provocative and dumb lyrics will have the guys screaming in the ear of the girl next to them “Oh, won’t you take me home tonight?” followed by the ode to all women blessed with bodacious bumps and curves, “Fat bottomed girls, you make the rockin’ world go round.” Note the word “bottomed” separating fat and girls.
Are you Harry Potter? Or are you just drunk? cody mann wrote this It’s been a long week of classes, work, and meetings and you’re just ready to drink your stress away on Friday night. So you go out, get smashed, and everything’s suddenly feeling so much better. All your friends are around you and the atmosphere is just magical! Wait. Magical?! A sneaking suspicion grows on you, and you just have to know—are you actually Harry Potter? You could’ve sworn you went out to Five Points, but suddenly everything looks a little too much like Hogsmeade. Don’t worry, The Black Sheep has got you covered. Just make sure to carry our handy guide with you whenever you go and you’ll always be able to tell whether you’re the Boy Who Lived or just the Boy Who Lived a Bit Too Much. First off, find a stick somewhere and try to bring it into a bar. Wands are an essential item for any wizard, so if you’re in a magical tavern, the bouncer won’t give you a second glance. Granted, if he doesn’t allow you to bring in your “wand,” he could just be a Muggle. So this is just a quick preliminary test rather than a really decisive one. The next test is also an easy one. Grab the nearest broomstick and find a clear roof, because it’s time for a flying test. Either you’re not Harry Potter, and therefore won’t be able to heal yourself, or you are and you could possibly get a FUI citation (Flying Under the Influence) for flying so obviously. If the flying test is also inconclusive, there are still more ways to figure this out. Find a mirror and check out your reflection. Is there a scar on your forehead? If not, don’t rule out the possibility that you just can’t see it because you don’t have your glasses on. If there definitely is a scar there are two possible explanations. Either you actually are Harry Potter, or
you cut your head open during the flying test. Get to the hospital, stupid. If you notice a hooded figure following you in the shadows, regardless of whether you’re Harry Potter or not, it’s probably not a Dementor unless you’ve also noticed the temperature drop precipitously. So there’s not a lot to worry about there—you’re probably just about to get kidnapped in an alley or something. One other thing to keep in mind: when you’re wandering around outside, you’re likely to see some bright green lights. If there seems to be a general sense of panic around you, then RUN! Voldemort’s trying to cast the Killing Curse on you! But, if everything seems to be relatively normal, then those lights are probably just the traffic signals of Harden Street. In that case, do not run. Running will cause a car to cast a Killing Curse of its own on you.
8) Billy Joel - “Piano Man”: We find a pleasant transition from songs one shouts along too, to a much cooler song with a solid melody, euphoric vocals, and sophistication in the lyrics. Joel’s harmonica introduction is still instantly identifiable and sends shivers down the drunken spine. Very few songs allow you to actually look cool while singing it like this one does, unless of course you’re wasted, in which case you look really goofy. 7) Def Leppard - “Pour Some Sugar On Me”: What is it about overly dramatic songs that make them a magnet for inebriated singing? Who cares? Def Leppard graced the 80s with one of the wildest rock songs ever written. A catchy, stadium-ready shoutalong ,which is littered with HUGE stomping beats, gives this song permanent notoriety amongst the drunks. 6) Garth Brooks - “Friends in Low Places”: Because there has to be at least one country song, right? How ‘bout the one where whiskey drowns and the beers chases our blues away? 5) Carly Rae Jepsen - “Call Me Maybe”: You probably haven’t heard this one before. If only, if only... Love or hate this song, it’s the catchiest tune ever created. The lyrics are stupid enough to easily slur along to, but that may be because the lyrics are already implanted in your brain. For the rest of your life. 4) R. Kelly - “Ignition (Remix)”: One word. Throwback. “Ignition” is easily one of the most immediately likeable songs of our era. Everyone knows the lyrics, and you will hear literally every word sung. If you’re drunk enough you’ll think you look exactly like R. Kelly while sexually singing along and start looking for that after party followed by the hotel lobby. 3) The Isley Brothers - “Shout”: Just when you thought there’s no way this cluster of moronic drunks could get any more sloppy and chaotic, order magically ensues as “Shout” progresses. The crowd starts getting quieter and lower while whispering “a little bit softer now” and then, uh-oh, “a little bit louder now” until BAM, your eardrums burst at SHOUT! Hey-hey-a-hey. Being deaf for the next hour is totally worth it. 2) Old Crow Medicine Show - “Wagon Wheel”: Look up the word “classic” in the dictionary. This song isn’t loud, and it isn’t meant to be screamed either. Take your drunken arms and throw them around the two drunks closest to you and sway back and forth while the three of ya’ll sing each and every word. You’ll forget all your worries, a smile will appear on your face, and you’ll have no idea why.
If, after reading all the tips above, you’re still not sure whether or not you’re actually a student at USC or at Hogwarts, there is one surefire test that will undoubtedly tell you the truth. Yell out the name “Voldemort!” really really loudly in a bar. Either people will begin shrieking in fear (telling you that you really are the Chosen One) or they will begin laughing hysterically at you (telling you that you really the Crazy One). However, only resort to this method as necessary, as the resulting panic/ embarrassment will be fairly intense. So remember, folks, always keep this guide on hand during your weekly (or nightly) forays into the possibly magical world of Five Points. Who knows, it might just save you from Voldemort.
1) Neil Diamond - “Sweet Caroline”: Does this song even need an introduction? When there’s a crowd of drunk people awkwardly trying to dance- arms waving in the air, shimmying across the dance floor, you get the idea – chances are this song is playing. And don’t even think about leaving out the “BUM BUM BUM” yelled after each ‘Sweet Caroline’.
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Flipping Flippingthe thescript script so your favorite t.v. character walks into a new show...
dean pelton on hillbilly hand fishin’
We come to love the characters of our beloved scripted shows, if we don’t love them, then the show typically fails. On the other hand, reality shows make us eventually hate everyone, including ourselves, for watching. So, as The Black Sheep prefers to live in our own little fairy world, we decided to imagine how our favorite characters would do on plot-less, burnt out reality shows. By: Quinn and Brendan
ron swanson on survivor
Strengths: We’re not sure if the Dean has any hand fishin’ skills, but it would be very entertaining to see him tiptoe around reaching into a dark, wet hole for a big slippery fish.
Strengths: Ron is a man’s man. No, he is the man’s man. With wood working on the third tier of his Pyramid of Greatness (just below America, buffets, and honor) he would have a small wooden cabin built by the time the others dig a shittin’ hole. Ron’s self-reliance is out matched by only his mustache.
Weakness: The show won’t allow the Dean to display his extensive wardrobe, which might be a problem for him.
charlie day on america’s got talent
dave rose on top chef
Weakness: Several. Charlie has a debilitating lack of confidence in his musical abilities, and will surely turn to cat food and glue for added confidence.
Weakness: The lack of v-neck chef coats will really drag down Dave’s ability to maneuver around the kitchen. Beyond that, there are only so many puns one can make about food, ham I right?
back, roll her eyes, and sip on another vodka martini. Weakness: She might be too cold. Sure she could cry for the camera, but she can’t spare the moisture.
Win or Lose? Win. Lucille will have these ladies fighting with each other all week, or at least hire the OC’s finest investigator if they try to get at her.
sterling (malory) archer on
stars earn stripes Strengths: Years of hands-on training in the field as an ISIS agent, plus, you know, athletic prowess after all those years at lacrosse camp. Coupled with some clever quips and a shrewd, biting sense of humor, and he’ll be banging the female half of the cast two episodes in. Weakness: By the third episode he’ll be so bored with having to do actual work, Archer will be drunk during the episode that’s conducted over live fire.
Win or Lose? Loser, as always. Dave’s packing his knives by episode three, as another steak sandwich sends Tom Colicchio into a classic tirade that audiences have come to expect from him.
lucille bluth on The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Strengths: There is evidence that Lucille Bluth is the original “Desperate Housewife,” but she isn’t desperate - she runs the show. While the other ladies are drunk and pulling each other’s hair, she’ll sit
Win or Lose?
Not only will Louie lose, he’ll lose in the most excruciating way possible. Like, he’ll get his rose, fall down the stairs, throw up, cry, and have the girl call him a limpdick pussy, or something.
Win or Lose?
Strengths: Dave’s general obliviousness to his vague douchiness will serve him well. Off-hand remarks about his lack of talent will simply roll off his shoulders, while audiences will eat up his inability to exist in the real world.
out as Green Man, drunkenly parade around stage, and maybe club a few rats with his clubbin’s stick.
Weaknesses: Most women are not turned on by the above.
Ron will win, then never leave the island when the show is over.
Strengths: Charlie just gets the piano. He may be illiterate, but the piano comes natural to him. Surely he will win the judges over with an emotional rendition of “The Night Man Cometh”, if he leaves out all the rape-y parts of course.
Win or Lose? Sadly, Charlie will lose. He will inevitably come
Strengths: Some women are turned on by fat, balding, bumbling idiots with two kids, a really busy work schedule, and no time for a social life.
Weakness: None. His passion for red meat might cause trouble, but he will find a way.
Win or Lose?
The Dean will win. He may insist on wearing his sister’s sailor outfit, but we have no doubt he will stick any extremity into the deep cave and get the biggest catfish to suction itself onto it.
louie on the bachelorette
Win or Lose? During the live fire episode, he’ll be automatically disqualified for putting a round in Drew Lachey’s foot after Lachey tries to chastise Archer for his on-set intoxication.
the hound on full metal jousting Strengths: The Hound isn’t just an ordinary knight, he’s a knight from a land of dire wolves, White Walkers and muhfuggin’ dragons. He’s seen some shit.
Weakness: Coming from a fantasy land set in a time that really lacks modern technology, The Hound is used to really killing people with real weapons for…like…good. This won’t bode well because…
Win or Lose? He’ll lose when he actually kills someone. The Hound will be dismounted by some guy who works at Medieval Times, and he won’t like it one bit. A few sword strokes and a lot of blood later, he’ll be off to prison to make everyone his bitch. And hey, the United States prison system offers marginally better living conditions than Westeros, so everyone wins. Well, except the dead guy.
the interview
junk culture
Junk Culture is a one-man band, but not like one of them old-timey guys with cymbals between his knees. Instead, Deepak Mantena’s an eclectic bucket of fun, synth-layered party. He was a blast to talk to. Be sure to grab his newest album, Wild Quiet, wherever it is crazy kids are buying music these days. By: Brendan The Black Sheep: How do you put an album together, from concept from finished product? Deepak Mantena: That’s a really loaded question. TBS: I know. Deepak: I can’t say it’s the same each time I do a record, but for Wild Quiet I did have a concept going in. I thought, “Let’s see if I can write something simpler and more focused than what I’ve done before.” TBS: Was that a superficial goal, or a philosophy you want to stick with going forward? Deepak: I tend to change up my approach to music on every record. It’s more exciting for me to do that, and it just feels really honest. It might not sound like the record before it, but it will sound like what I was interested in doing at the time. TBS: You talk about that honesty, but how do you reconcile that idea with the idea that you play music for an audience who has expectations of you? Deepak: Let me frame it this way: Bands I’m into, I’m not listening to them because they have a sound they’re repeating on every record. I listen to artists that are interested in being adventurous. A good example, I’m a huge fan of Caribou, even back when he was Manitoba or whatever. To me, as an audience member, getting to sink my teeth into one of his new records is a really rewarding feeling. I try to do the same thing with my work. TBS: What about concern with this new music being translated live? Deepak: I’m not so worried about that. When I sit down and figure out how to do a live show, I put a huge amount of effort and thought into that. I understand that people come to see songs that they like to hear, but I don’t want the rest of the show to feel like filler, and I think about that. I tour with Girl Talk a lot, and if you strip away what he does it’s a guy on a laptop triggering samples. How does that translate into huge sounds? The answer is, he really thinks about his approach to it. TBS: What kind of forethought goes into writing a song? Deepak: I don’t consider how it translates live. That’s a bad attitude to have. When I record a song, it’s about the song. So, when it comes time to how to deal with presenting it live, then we’ll figure it out. TBS: How much do you pay attention to a crowd in a show? Deepak: Oh man, that’s the perpetual problem. I used to do a little theatre stuff, and it would always be interesting to see—doing the same play one night to another—how different audiences take to different jokes. I guess I’m not at that level to know how good a show is going to be. I think I can handle the audience a lot better now. They want to be entertained, and it’s your job to guide them through that. TBS: Five words to describe your live show. Deepak: Tough, rock. TBS: Do you struggle with keeping up with contemporary music? Deepak: The first band I was really into was the Smashing Pumpkins, and they were like, the only band I’d listen to. It would be their whole collection on repeat. I’ll get really into someone and listen to them nonstop, and go through these bands in spurts. TBS: What goes on your perfect sandwich? Deepak: I’ll take a good old-fashioned BLT any day. TBS: If you could have any mythical creature for a pet, what would it be? Deepak: Does it have to be a pet, or could it be a friend? TBS: I don’t think a griffin could engage you in conversation for very long. Deepak: What about a gnome or something? TBS: Yeah, you could have a gnome. Deepak: Like, see a movie with him or something. TBS: No amusement parks, though.
the big three
entertainment-y things we’re all excited about.
pitch perfect - in theaters out september 28 Becca (Anna Kendrick) arrives to a new college convinced she doesn’t fit in, and instantly gets suckered into joining a rag-tag singing group. Yeah, this movie looks pretty damn cheesy a la Glee, but a few select actors (like Adam Levine and Rebel Wilson) will give the movie a good edge.
the real housewives of new york - season finale monday, october 1 at 9pm (bravo) As the 5th season comes to an end, we find perpetuallyPinot-Grigo’d Ramona throwing a charity event that turns into pure mayhem. Meanwhile, at Heather’s charity event, Ramona and her partner-in-booze Sonja make one hell of a scene. Hey, they’re just making their own fun.
matt & kim - lightning in stores october 2 The indie pop-duo Matt and Kim’s fourth album Lightning features 10 tracks, most with only two or three instruments on each. When asked where the name of the album came from, Kim replied “I think I’ll get hit by lightning one day.” That’s… pretty random. Check out their single “Let’s Go.”
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bartender of the week justin r. cj’s How long have you worked at CJ’s and what’s the best night to find you here? I’m a veteran of 9 solid years. And I haven’t had a Monday off in 4 years. What’s your favorite part about bartending here? We have a really great group of people who hang around CJ’s. Everyone’s nice and friendly. Look at it this way; we have about one fight a year here. What question do you hate being asked most when on the job? “What are your specials?” I mean just order what you want, you know? It’s Five Points, the drinks aren’t going to be too expensive no matter what you get. What’s the craziest thing that’s ever happened since you’ve worked here? One time a chick was in here having a wild time and took off her belt, dropped her shorts, and
the drinking game
mario kart Here at The Black Sheep, we encourage you to drink and drive! Never thought you’d here those words, huh? (Not literally, please don’t sue us). What You’ll Need: Mario Kart, friends who like to play Mario Kart, and beer. Number of Players: How many controllers you got? Level of Intoxication: As little as a buzz and as much as a blackout. How to Play: - Pop in your favorite Mario Kart game and assign characters to players. - Set up your beers so everyone can reach them. We prefer the ol’ canbetween-the-thighs maneuver. - Begin the game but drink as follows: - Take one sip if you’re hit by a shell. - Take three sips if you’re hit by a lightning bolt. - Take four sips if you’re hit by a player’s special item. - Finish your drink every time someone laps you. - If you fall off the course, drink until you are put back on. - If you’re dead last, chug whatever you have left. - The winner of the race gets to choose one player to finish off their drink, too. The Game Ends When: Everyone is all Mario Kart’d out. But let’s be real, no one ever gets sick of Mario Kart.
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started demanding patrons to spank her bare ass with the belt. Great night. F***, Kill, Marry Michelle Obama, Jennifer Aniston, and Dolly Parton. Damn this is a tough one. I guess I’d have to kill off Ms. Parton, Marry the first lady, and f*** Jennifer Aniston. What’s the best night to come to CJ’s if you’re looking for a good time? Tuesday nights are karaoke nights and that’s always a blast. And we always have 24-ounce bottles of Red Stripe for 4 bucks, you won’t see those anywhere else. If you could have anybody walk through the doors of your bar tonight who would it be? This is gonna sound weird, but Willie Nelson. It’d be great to sit back, relax, and have a glass of Jack with the guy.
Recipe for Disaster
state fair mac’n’cheese What You’ll Need: A box of your favorite mac ‘n’ cheese brand (It’s Kraft SpongeBob and you know it), flour, two eggs, and oil. Cook Time: 25 minutes. Fatty Factor: Go ahead and schedule your gastric bypass surgery for tomorrow. Let’s Get Baked: - Prepare some mac ‘n’ cheese (you’re college students, we refuse to walk you through that one). - Heat ½ cup of oil in a skillet. - While that heats, pour a cup of flour into a bowl. - Beat two eggs in another bowl. - Scoop out fist-sized balls of your macaroni and roll it around in some flour. - Dip your balls in the eggs until it’s fully covered. - Drop your balls in the hot oil and wait until they turn golden and crispy. - Once all sides are browned, place your balls on a paper towel-lined tray, let ‘em cool, then dive on in. You really can make these any shape you want, but we are having just too much fun telling you to place your balls in different foods. You like that, don’t you?
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Five Students You Will Inevitably Sit Next To In Class This Semester erin eller wrote this Once upon a time, around 20 years ago, five unique beings were brought into this world for the sole purpose of adding some spice to your college career. Now, out of thirty thousand undergrad students at USC, fate has spoken, and these students have ended up in your lectures this semester! Here’s a quick introduction to some of the classmates you’ll come hold near and dear to your heart: Facebook Junkie: Never without her MacBook, this student is always doing something on the Internet unrelated to the lecture. If you can find her on Twitter, you’ll have access to all of her thoughts on the lecture, along with the occasional “LOL!” followed by a link to #whatshouldwecallme. Pros: By sitting behind her, you’ll be updated on her friends’ drama on a consistent basis. Cons: There’s a high potential that this person will ask to borrow your lecture notes, at which point you can hand her a detailed rundown of which of her friends are sleeping with each other. Moment to watch for: You’ll catch this student trying to amend a bad hair day using her webcam at least once. Empty Chair: The student you’ll see twice all semester: once on the first day, once at the review session before the final. Maybe. Pros: You now have a place to keep your backpack off the floor. Also serves as a buffer between you and the other types of students on this list. Cons: If (no, when) you get assigned to be this person’s lab partner, you might be left scratching your head. Don’t despair; who really likes group work, anyway? Moment to watch for: Expressions of regret and acts of borderline self-harm during the final exam.
Squirmy McSquirmson: Does this kid EVER stop fidgeting? Squirmy is never seen without a coffee in his right (no… he switched again… left) hand, which he could honestly probably do without. Pros: None really, except maybe that you’ll seem much more laidback in comparison. Cons: Provides endless distraction; may obstruct your view of the lecture for 30-second intervals as he rearranges himself more often than necessary during a 50-minute time period. Moment to watch for: The day when he drops his cell phone under your chair, then spends the rest of class kicking you in the back trying to reach it with his foot. Definitely Trying Too Hard: This person is incredibly eager to please both classmate and professor. Most likely to be found in the front row, bobbing her head enthusiastically after every sentence out of the professor’s mouth. Pros: You’ll learn exactly how not to fake smile. Cons: Where to begin? Endless streams of knife-twistingly awful puns, alternated with painfully obvious hypocrisy. Expect a Dr. Jekyll/ Mr. Hyde-like tendency to alternate between blatant brown-nosing and ruthless jokes at the professor’s expense. Moment to watch for: At some point over the course of the semester, this student will be called out on how two-faced he is. His total humiliation can only be described as priceless. The Neck-Breather: Do you feel a warm breeze in here? Is that actually Darth Vader sitting behind me? Can you check? I’m afraid to look. Pros: At least you know this student is very much alive. Cons: Try not to get distracted by his sexy whistling inhale or charming mucus-permeated exhale.
Moment to watch for: The first high-pressure testing situation. You’ll know exactly how panicked this student is feeling by the varying cadence and volume of his windpipes. Also a contender: allergy season. You probably recognize some of the individuals I’ve described, or maybe a combination of two or more. Maybe you even see yourself somewhere on this list. Regardless, you will inevitably come across most of these students at some point, so you’re welcome in advance.
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the riddle
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the classtime
college necessities
Across
1) Who are we kidding, you’re not going to have any of this, 2) A baby would really cut into your beer budget. 5) For research (aka, porn and cat videos). 6) Remember what dignity felt like? Yeah, us either. 9) ... and we aren’t talking about guess who. 12) This organ has no clue what it’s in for. 13) That beer isn’t going to free itself. 14) It’s not even halftime, and the freshman next to you threw up twice. 15) How else will everyone know how cute you looked last night. 17) The freshman 15 is no myth, our size 2 friend.
Down
1) Beer deserves a home. 3) Relationships suck, but so does abstinence. 4) Check for stains before laying down. 7) It’s a hard job, but the benefits are high. 8) “It says your name is McLovin’!” 10) Your Sunday morning uniform. 11) Or rich parents. 16) Communications does not count.
Answers
Six degrees of separation
Think you know how Think you know how Drew Carey and Kal Penn are connected? Send us your answer at classtime@theblacksheeponline.com for your chance to win a pretty awesome prize!
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Adam’s University Bookstore 5 Points Pub Back Porch Bey’s The Big Ugly Blue Tile Skateboards Breakers Cantina 76 Carolina Cafe CJ’s College Grounds Cafe Cycle Center
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Disclaimer The Black Sheep in no way promotes, encourages or supports binge drinking, and/or under-age drinking. This newspaper is designed for entertainment purposes only and does not recommend attempting anything printed in this publication. Please drink...responsibly and legally.
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the classtime
Mansion. Apartment. Shack. House.
Wedding destination: • Dominican Republic • Dom Peditro, Brazil • Domino’s Pizza • Downtown Des Moines
type of cake: • Vegan Pomegranate • Cookie Cake • Oreo Ice Cream Cake • Your Sister’s Leftovers
career path: • Italian Chef • Telemarketer • Crab Fisherman • Car Wash Cashier
Token drunken attendee: • Mother of the Groom • Grandfather of the Bride • Maid of Honor • Midlife Crisis Priest
Honeymoon adventure: • Hammock Camping • Rain Forest Exploration • Jamaica, Queens • Mt. Everest
midlife crisis: • Buys Mercedes Convertible • Face tattoo • Plastic Surgery ala Heidi Montag • Mike’s Hard Lemonade Addict
Wedding entree: • Spaghetti • Chef Boyardee Ravioli • AYCE Soup & Salad • Frozen Lasagna
Pet acquired: • Bottle-nosed Dolphin • Common Marmoset • Maine Coon Kitten • Lice
Claim to Fame: • EDM Sensation • Becomes Facebook CEO • Breeds Kangaroos • Stops World Hunger
some dots on the page until a friend (or your brain) tells you to stop. Starting with M.A.S.H., go around the board crossing off whatever How to play Doodle option corresponds with your number. Go around the board until only one of each category is left. That, my friend, is your future. Enjoy it.
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