The Black Sheep
FR ca EE.. nn . Li ot ke ch a g a- am aa e -a bir aa d -a yo an u ge .
• a college newspaper that’s actually about college •
Volume 1, Issue 6 9/27/12 -10/3/12
theblacksheeponline.com @blacksheepusc
New dining options offered at Russell House cody mann wrote this Renovations at the Russell House aren’t quite finished, but students eating at the Student Union will soon get to take advantage of several new dining options along with expanded menus at existing restaurants. The biggest and most called-for move involves the opening of a second Marble Slab location on the bottom floor of the Russell House. Newly formed sorority Eta Pi (full story in the August 16 edition of The Black Sheep) has raised a myriad of complaints about the current upstairs placement of the popular ice cream shop; namely, the first step on the staircase, the second step on the staircase, and the third step on the staircase. Other students have expressed excitement that the upstairs Marble Slab will no longer be completely out of ice cream every day. It has already been confirmed that Burger King will have a much larger menu after the expansion, as an announcement has already been made stating that the popular burger chain will begin offering customers a choice of what kind of hair they would like to find in their food. Proponents of the move say that the added choices will multiply the possible menu combinations tenfold. Others are happy to see a change in what is generally perceived as an unhealthy place to eat. “I’m so glad that Burger King is taking an initiative to do something about its unhealthy reputation,” said one student. “I mean, the food itself is terrible for you anyway, but when you coupled that with the nasty surprise of finding an armpit hair sitting on your lettuce, it really was quite disgusting. But now that I can just pick to have an ear hair instead, I think it really balances out the lack of nutrition thing. Good for them for seeing such a good marketing opportunity.” Among the completely new vendors that will be available is a sno-cone stand that will be sponsored by Bates West. When asked about the origin of the idea, the Bates West spokes-student cryptically replied, “It was just something that nature was calling to be done.” “We had an opportunity, using our dorm’s ice machine, to
Lost Fraternity Bro Cheats Death in Woods
bring something cool to the rest of campus,” added another Bates West resident. “We think it’s a pretty smart idea. In fact, some people are already calling us ‘the whiz kids’ for having such a great business venture.” When asked for more details about the sno-cone stand, the resident informed The Black Sheep that, for now, lemon will be the only flavor offered. The sales from the stand are expected to go toward general fixtures for Bates West, including getting rid of the stains in the elevator along with “that Bates smell,” as one resident described it. Another new feature is the forthcoming addition to Taco Bell. As a Taco Bell representative stated:
what’s inside
Are You Harry Potter or are You Just Drunk?
His crib sheet told him to smash some more brews.
yeah but, Why can’t it be both?
page 6
page 7
“Instead of buying food, students will be given the alternative of buying a hypodermic needle, which will inject a mixture of Dorito paste, wet cardboard and cow entrails, um, I mean, beef…directly into their bloodstreams. We feel that this is a much healthier way to ingest our food, as it will avoid taxing their digestive systems directly. We only have our customer’s health at heart.” Students are advised not to donate blood for several days after choosing to use a Taco Bell Inject-a-Meal. In related news, wait times at the Russell House Chick-fil-A are expected to double in the near future.
flipping the script
What happens when your favorite TV character stops being fake, and starts being real?
page 10