Illinois 4/27/11 by The Black Sheep

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Free...streaking in the marathon, come on, you know you want to do it!

The Black Sheep “A College Newspaper That’s Actually About College”

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TheBoozeNews

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Other stuff

Inside The amazingly great 07

The Four Stages of a Marathon Runner:

The fifth doesn’t involve a fifth, we’ll tell you that much.

shitty beer taste test! brendan wrote this

Drunk Eye for the Sober Guy:

What if you did everything you did sober, drunk?

Where Are They Now?

Whatever happened to that famous college party guy all the ladies loved?

“I’m gonna drink a lot of beer and stay out all night!” –Homer Simpson That’s what college is all about, right? Sure, studying and getting good grades are important, but only because they’re the means towards you convincing your parents that they should pay for that oh-so-crucial seventh year of college. Therein lies the rub; if your parents are paying for everything, then what’s the point of having a job? And if you’re staying out all night, who has the time to make money, anyway? So if you’re gonna get drunk, then the booze better be cheap. If the booze is gonna be cheap, then it should suck as little as possible. That’s where we come in. Since The Black Sheep literally keeps tens of dollars in its budget for drinking experiments, the fine full-time staff decided to do all the legwork for you. On a cold, rainy Friday in Chicago we hunkered down in an apartment with a bunch of the scummiest beer we could find in an attempt to decipher which beer was least rancid. Thus, The Great Crappy Beer Taste Test was born. It’s important to note that there’s a method to our beer-tasting madness, we don’t just go about this stuff willy-nilly: The Method: • Other than appearance, the whole taste test was conducted blindly; no participant knew which beer was which. • The goal of The Great Crappy Beer Taste Test is not to discover which beer tastes best; the purpose is to discover which beer tastes least worse. It’s a subtle difference, people. • We bought every crappy canned beer we could find at the Jewel, Walgreen’s and 7-Eleven by our office. Sadly, since our office is based in Chicago’s Wicker Park, none of the stores carried two

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staple crappy beers: Keystone Light and Natural Light. Not having those beers for the taste test is disappointing, but in all reality you, dear reader, are going to buy what you want, even if it comes in last. We tried to use as many controls during the test as possible. All the beers were kept at the same temperature. Three participants drank approximately 4 ounces of each beer from similar glasses. Each participant drank the same beer at the same time. The person running the test would fill each glass at the beginning of each tasting and rinse it out at the end of each tasting.

During the tasting we asked that the participants rate the beers on a scale of 1-5 based on the following categories: • Street Credibility: If you rolled into a random house party with a case of this stuff, how embarrassed would you be to hand a can of it to an attractive member of the opposite sex? • When It Hits Your Lips: Initial flavor. When you take your first sip, does it make you wish you were licking a random hobo instead? • Bitter Beer Facability: Simply put, its aftertaste. Does it continue to go down smoothly? Or, conversely, if it tasted like a licked butt at first, does it suddenly taste like sweet ambrosia? • Please Make It Stop: A test of long-term drinkability. If you had two options-- drink this or drink nothing, how close would you be to choosing horrible, horrible sobriety? • The tally: The average of the four categories. Now, onto the results:

CONTINUED ON PAGE 19...

In This Issue

14: New Sex Euphemisms

Hey, we’ll pop your drip any day of the week if you’ll just burt our ham first.

10: The Black Sheep Reviews

Not the Cosbys, a porn parody that shows you where to put your pudding pop!

16: Drinking Game

Lordy Lordy is a game of luck, but that doesn’t mean you’ll get lucky playing.

20: Movie Review:

17: Booze Review

Win Win is devoid of Charlie Sheen references, thankfully.

What happens when Glenmore London Dry Gin isn’t really from London? WHAT THEN?

18: Top 10:

06: Jimmy Connors

Worst things to wake up to tomorrow. Your mom is surprisingly absent.

The life of a young artistic savant…who’s a little weird.

21: CD Review:

17: Recipe for Disaster:

Fleet Foxes isn’t exactly a band filled with nimble, attractive women.

05: Sex & the CU

Formal sex doesn’t mean you have to wear a suit while you do it, but it wouldn’t hurt.

The Fat Carnie doesn’t mean we’re endorsing cannibalism.

21: The Black Sheep Interviews: And You Will Know Us by the Trail of Dead

04: May Day

May’s most underrated holiday should be celebrated by more college students.

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Here are a few words for you to learn, memorize, and use on a daily basis. Try it out and see what happens! Jewlatto: Definition: A racist term for anyone who is half Jewish, half another religion, thus allowing them to take maximum advantage of religious holidays. Sentence: “Molly has so many excused absences from class because her mom is Catholic and her dad is Jewish, she’s a Jewlatto.” Textual Intercourse: Definition: Erotic text messages sent back and forth between two people. Sentence: “Jeff achieved orgasm minutes into his textual intercourse with Bridget.”

Send us a sentence using one of the words above, and the best one wins a prize! vocab@theblacksheeponline.com

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Name Liners = Leann Rimes

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Fromwww.theblacksheeponline.com The Streets

"What's the most expensive thing you've broken?"

May Day: College Edition

"An ICR Mass Spectrometer. I'd estimate it at $5000+." by fink

The birds are chirping loudly, the bright flowers are blooming rapidly, and the Cubs are making complete fools of themselves. You know what this means: the glorious month of May is approaching quickly. For most, the month of May is exciting because of the endless barbecues, graduation parties, and warm temperatures which create the perfect atmosphere for Fraturdays and day drinking galore. The greatness of May can be summed up into the big holiday that everyone looks forward to, Memorial Day. But I’m not here to talk about Memorial Day. Sure, it’s a good time. It’s really the only official day in May when getting smashed on cheap beer, eating 14 cheeseburgers, and waking up in a kiddie-pool filled with your own excrement is actually encouraged by the functioning American society I’m also not talking about Cinco de Mayo, which one could argue to be the greatest May holiday. My favorite May holiday takes Cinco de Mayo down. What really excites me about May is the holiday that I avidly participated in as a child. I think college students have forgotten how to celebrate holiday traditions that don’t involve drinking. Sure, we learn early from our druncle Larry at every family holiday gathering that unless you’re drunk there’s nothing to celebrate. This particular holiday excited me to no end because I was able to incorporate three of my favorite things into one glorious afternoon: candy, picking flowers from crotchety old ladies’ gardens, and ding-dong ditchin. I’m talking, of course, about MAY DAY! When I was a kid, May 1st was a day to top all others. In grade school we would spend the entire day making colorful weaved baskets out of construction paper and glue. We’d go out to the playground at pick dandelions and violets, fill the baskets with candy, and then spend the rest of the day parading around the school, spreading love and joy to all. Of course, these activities excited me to no limit and I always made sure to continue the celebrations when I got home. Absolutely no neighbor was safe from my unstoppable May Day joy. I hit every forbidden garden for the biggest and prettiest flowers, I always saved all of my Easter candy to fill my hand-crafted baskets to their brim. And I ran like hell after ringing the doorbells of my old neighbors, even though their physical disabilities probably shot any chance of them discovering the May Day bandit’s true identity. I also envied the girls who went to private schools and were able to partake in the Maypole tradition. How I longed for a pretty white dress with a colorful ribbon tied around the waste. I would raid my mother’s gift-wrapping kit for ribbons and tie them around the basketball hoop in the front yard, prancing around my homemade Maypole without a care in the world. In the afterglow of spinning around the Maypole until puking, I always wondered why people seemed to pay more attention to Memorial Day. May Day is AWESOME. I miss those days so much. When you’re in college, chances are the

only thing you’ll find on your front doorstep is vomit, piss, a colorful combination of the two, or a homeless man just soaking it all in. During my dorm days freshman year, I tried to reawaken May Day traditions with my hall mates. Unfortunately, most of them either tripped over their baskets when leaving, passed out on them and smashed them when coming home from the bars, and my poor roommate was none too pleased with me after she ran straight into the makeshift Maypole in the middle of our room. I suppose I should have known better than to put a pole right in the middle of our pathetic 13x9 room. And I probably shouldn’t have strung ribbon from every corner. But maybe SHE should get in the fucking May Day spirit instead of ripping down my glorious Maypole creation (I’m still angry at you for that, you thankless bitch). I’m taking it upon myself to implement May Day into a typical college student’s repertoire of drinking occasions. I want all of my good friends and classmates to experience the happiness that I did as a child. The sort of happiness that can only come from spreading spring cheer to others with floral baskets, candy, and dancing around a pole. And you know what? I’m pretty confident that I can make it happen. Let’s break down May Day into its very basic elements: flowers, candy, dancing with ribbons tied around a pole, and pretty dresses. Right there I’ve got the entire female population on this campus, hook, line, and sinker. Put those things together and you’ve essentially got a spring version of Valentine’s Day. Even for you single girls out there who swear you hate Valentine’s Day, don’t tell me you didn’t spend it this year in your prettiest (read: sluttiest) dress and danced around a pole. What’s more is the huge May Day tradition, the crowning of the May Queen! Introducing a little competition among the ladies on this campus is a surefire way to get the party started. So here’s my proposition: in order to make May Day into an important holiday and long-standing tradition on this campus, maybe we could, for one day, encourage people to enjoy themselves without the use of alcohol. Think about it. For one day we could all enjoy the wonders of a beautiful May day with clear heads and clean sidewalks. Heck, the police could even join in on the fun if they wanted. Everybody’s invited! The bars will be deserted; the quad will be filled with friendly people doing constructive things with each other. Nothing but candy and non-sexual pole dancing. But now that I think about it, drunken basket weaving sounds fucking awesome. Do whatever.

Mike D., Senior

"Some guy’s car. I think it ended up being about $800." Liz P., Junior

"My Canon XLIS, $4000 camera. I was videotaping my boyfriend doing Jackass stunts and it broke." Jenny L., Senior

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SEX

Formal Sex

is your chance to sneak off to the bathroom while the whole staff is preoccupied with IDing the minors and the drinkers. Sex in a public place is exciting, and sex in a public bathroom is even better ‘cause there’s all this toilet paper around to clean up the mess after and plenty more to play with during – who isn’t up for a little Mummy and the Archeologist role-playing?

Good news everyone! Formal is in the air, so get out your monocles and top hats and get ready for FORMAL SEX! We all know formal sex is the best, because you’ve just had the best night ever dedicated to drinking, dancing, and being fancy, so why not add amazing sex to the list? But, what makes Formal Sex so wonderful? All the locations you could ever desire.

Bar Bathroom: Finally made it out of the pregame (oh yeah, have sex during that too, nice little way to get your night started) have you? Wonderful, wait to buy yourself and your date a drink at the bar until after some playtime. When everyone first arrives at formal they immediately rush to the ‘tenders (new slang I’m starting up for bartenders) to order their drinks. This

Shower: HELLOOOO shower sex. Forget lubrication – you two will both be so wet, Japan post-tsunami would look dry in comparison. Plus there’s all that free crap that just appears from nowhere in hotels, like one second you’re all, “Damn, I forgot all my condoms in my suitcase,” but then you realize the hotel has weirdly provided condoms in their bathroom package – and a hair cap, so utilize that too! Why not?

Balcony: So you’ve traveled to another city to get your formal freak on. Generally you or your date will splurge and get a hotel room so you can get as sloppy as you want and not have to worry about dodging a DUI while driving back to Champaign. Since you’re already bustin’ out the big bucks, do yourself a favor and find a room with a balcony attached. Having sex while suspended fourteen-plus floors in the air (yeah, if you’re not at least fourteen floors off the ground, you’re not doing yourself justice) is both thrilling and exciting. Exciting mostly because you know there’s some dude located two floors above yours

Don't Forget: Bombs Away Wednesday

$2 Any Bomb + Check out 3 DJ's spinning at the same time in the middle of the crowd!

Hot Carl wrote this in the building across from you totally watching and probably filming. “I’ll make a star out of me yet,” you’ll think as you’re secretly winking at the man creepily recording.

Jacuzzi: Come on. This is an easy one – either you bang in the one in the pool by the lobby, or you have a super sweet room with a boss tub that comes with complimentary bath soaps, bubbles, and a rubber ducky. But please, turn Duckers around - he doesn’t need to see your debauchery.

Penthouse: Sneak into the penthouse of the hotel. If someone’s using it, that’s even better and easier – befriend this rich person (from what Lifetime movies have taught me about rich people is that their lives are full of money and not friends, so they could use the company) and sex it up with your date wherever you can. Hell, while you’re there – score yourself some free porn to play along to; whoever’s renting this room is so rich, he’s not gonna check the bill cause it’s $15 over the original price – those guys quit paying attention after the thousands. What’s that you say? You heard I did it in all of those places last weekend? Well, then, hypothetical reader who strangely knows a bit too much about my personal life, why are you not raising your hand for a how-awesome-am-I-five?!?! Happy humping my friends!

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Child Art Prodigy Just a Normal Kid… Never Mind He’s Weird as F**k Corey Guastini wrote this At the age of two, Jimmy Connors was introduced to his first painting set. Initially, this was viewed as an awful gift from an extremely out-of-touch grandmother, but that was before anyone knew of his priceless talent. By the age of five, Jimmy achieved his very own gallery at the Art Institute of Chicago. At the age of eight, his painting titled “The Edge of Existentialism” was bought by famed art collector David Geffen for a whopping two million dollars. And last year at the age of ten he was granted permission to piss on Salvador Dali’s grave. Despite Jimmy’s unparalleled artistic awareness and awe-inspiring ability to create surrealist masterpieces with meticulously placed brushstrokes, away from the easel he remains a normal kid who likes to shoot hoops, play video games, and hang out with friends… who are we kidding? Everything about this little shit is weird as fuck. We caught up with Jimmy’s father Dennis to get an insider view of what Jimmy is like: “First off, my kid creates what are considered to be some of the greatest surrealist paintings in history at the age of eleven and you expect him to be normal? Please, he’s been spaced out since he left the womb. Here, let me share a few anecdotes with you about times we’ve tried to get him to do ‘normal’ things: I took him to a ball game last summer and they had a station with art supplies and poster board so you could make your own sign. I wanted to write a quick ‘Go to Hell, Jeter’ and get out of there. Instead, I had to wait for three hours while Jimmy created some abstract scene where players with their mouths sewn shut were kneeling over home plate crying tears of blood. It’s received a lot of praise from critics, which is great I guess, but come on, the White Sox were playing the Yankees! Fuck the Yankees! Later that summer we took him to an amusement park. He was doing fine most of the day, you know, riding rides and

whatnot. Then later at night when the sun was setting we boarded the biggest coaster in the park. As our car climbed toward the top of the hill, he started bawling his eyes out. Naturally, I asked, “Are you scared, buddy?” because that would be the logical reason for his crying, but he replied— and I shit you not—he replied, “No, it’s just the aesthetic beauty of this celestial body dipping below the horizon is moving my soul to tears.” What?! Yeah it was a cool view of the sunset but, my God, what is going on up there in that head of his? Let’s see, what are some more things about Jimmy? Well, if he’s not painting he’s usually sitting alone in a windowless room muttering to himself. Ummm, his diet is 90 percent legumes, he prefers to sleep in the hall closet not on his bed, and he’s afraid of the microwave. I mean deathly afraid. Every microwaveable popcorn I’ve made for the past ten years has been almost entirely unpopped kernels because he makes us turn the damn thing off before it really gets going. His favorite TV show? Oh here’s a good story. I figured he likes painting, so the one television show we should both like is The Joy of Painting with Bob Ross. Bob’s voice is so soothing it makes my body tingle all over, and I think the way he snow caps his mountains with titanium white is pretty dang impressive too. But the second the show came on, Jimmy started laughing hysterically. He then got out of his chair, yelled “you’re a disgrace to the art form,” and spit at the TV, right on Bob Ross’s face. Clearly we don’t share the same respect for that man. We also don’t watch TV anymore. Of course I’m still proud of Jimmy, even if I am sometimes afraid to fall asleep in the same room as him. His talent is truly remarkable.” Dennis concluded by saying Jimmy’s future plans include opening art galleries across the world and having a complete mental breakdown by the time he’s thirty.

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The Four Stages of a Marathon Runner

Knees, Man wrote this Every year, Champaign-Urbana decides to host a marathon, and with each year, I get more and more confused as to why people think it’s a good idea to run 26.2 miles at one time. Just kidding, that’s a pretty big feat to accomplish in life. The campus and community gets all excited and chaotic on the day of the marathon, yadda yadda. People everywhere, runners collapsing left and right, puke and poop covering the streets...Okay, I’m making it sound like the marathon is a massacre, but you have to admit, running that many miles does not do the human body any good. We simply weren’t manufactured to do crazy shit like that. After attending the marathon last year, to sit on the sidelines, eat a burger and be obnoxious, I realized that there are four stages of your typical marathon runner: Stage 1: Feelin’ Good This is what you’ve been training all year for! Everyone’s cheering for you, your adrenaline is pumping, and it feels as if you’re running on clouds. You’ll probably be waving, smiling, high-fiving fellow runners, and flipping off the lazy-asses on the sidelines watching. “That’s right, I’m running a marathon! What have you all done with your lives? Assholes.” is what you’re thinking. Couple of miles down, and you couldn’t feel any better about yourself.

Stage 2: Questionable... You’re on mile seven, and shit, 26.2 miles doesn’t seem so easy anymore, does it? Hey now, snap out of it. You’ve been told that your legs would start to feel like Jello eventually, and that pain in your left abdomen will subside...as soon as one of those idiot volunteers gives you a cup of water, dammit! Calm down, you’re getting cranky.

You still have...uh, a lot...of miles to run...but don’t think about the numbers! Just concentrate and run. And remember, blisters are honorable battle wounds.

Stage 3: Delirium Oh man, the future isn’t looking bright. That is, if you can even see a future at all, let alone process coherent thoughts. I’ve seen some weird things during this stage of the marathon. It usually happens around mile 16 or 17. Runners will begin to take off their clothes, exposing their bloody and chaffed nipples. Many people fall to the ground and just begin rolling around and crying. Others do some really strange things, like jump into the nearest lake. And if you haven’t noticed, there are no lakes anywhere close to Champaign, so they basically just do a nose dive into a grassy area that they think is a lake. Some really sad stuff. Stage 4: DEATH This is more so a figurative feeling, rather than literally dying. Although some people actually do die during a marathon, which is terrible, most just feel as if they’re not longer living. Whether you rolled, crawled, or were dragged by your hair across the finish line, you probably won’t be able to talk, stand, or control your bowel movements for a couple of hours. Perhaps days. But hey, congrats on finishing! After you begin to wake up a little bit, you might think to yourself: “Where am I? What just happened? Why am I naked? Did I just run a marathon? No...Is that you, dad? Who are you people crowding over me?” Don’t worry, you’ll be back to normal within the next few weeks. Maybe.

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After going through this kind of trauma, you’re going to have to ask an actual marathon runner if they really feel accomplished afterwards. From what I’ve witnessed, it doesn’t seem worth all the pain and agony. I mean, can’t you just run a 5k and call it a day? You people and your overachieving goals, I tell ya. But if you have indeed made it through 26 miles of an emotional, physical, and mental rollercoaster, then more power to you and that poor, poor body of yours.

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Drunk Eye for the Sober Guy John McHoneyCombs wrote this Have you ever wondered how a much more bold, and confident version of yourself would react in everyday situations? Or more realistically, a version of you who is on the verge of blacking out and is emotionally unstable? Wonder no more because I’m about to give you some insight on tricky situations that only the drunk part of you would be able to find the most direct and disastrous solution.

I just remembered that I have an eight-page paper due tomorrow morning. Ok, ok, I got this. What’s subject is this on? Ancient Greek philosophers? Well first let’s see if we can find anything on Facebook about this. No, this is serious. I have to focus. Let me just add my name and the heading and that gets me… three lines! Alright, I’m making some solid progress, time to reward myself with a quick game of Angry Birds. Now I need to think of some philosophers. Let’s see…oh, Plato! Man, I loved that shit as a kid. It tasted like a salty gym sock, though. Ok, now I just need think of some of his quotes, “Do or do not, there is no try.” Nope, that’s Yoda. Oh I got it, “Heroes get remembered but legends never die.” Ok, so that got me….four lines. Ah screw it, I’m dropping this class. Who needs this shit anyway? It’s time for some good old RedTube. I have to meet my girlfriend’s parents. Alright, big day today. Did I remember all the important things I need to take care of? I have deodorant and clean pants on…ok, that’s about it. At least I think I put on deodorant, let me just do a quick sniff test. Shit, ok I’ll just dab some hand soap on there the first chance I get. Wow, her dad is a lot bigger than I thought and it doesn’t look like he’s going for the fist bump. What are my plans after college? Balls, I better make something up quick. Why the hell did I just say that

out loud? I want to be a nuclear biological scientist. Nice, I think he bought it. Man, her mom has got a nice rack. Could that dress be any more low cut? Oh no, she just caught me staring. I think her mom is giving me the ‘fuck me’ eyes. Perhaps with a little finesse I can pull off this ultimate three-way. If I’m successful I will go down in my frat’s history as the most epic brother ever. Players everywhere will shout my name from the rooftops, calling upon the same Gods and Goddesses that were so kind to me. Wait, have I been staring at her boobs the entire time? That’s quite a nice rifle her father has; maybe it’s time to go.

I have to workout. Time to burn some of those beer calories off. Let’s try some cardio first, seven miles per hour on the treadmill sounds good. Oh, I can add incline too? Alright, I haven’t worked out since freshmen year so let’s go balls to the wall. Oh dear lord, slow down, slow down! Gah…man…that was rough…how far was that? Thirty feet? This thing has got to be broken; I did at least a mile for sure. Whatever, cardio is for Kenyans and fat people. Let’s try the bench press. Yeah, this shouldn’t be too bad. My intramural football team should’ve prepared me for this but let’s not go crazy. 200 pounds sounds pretty good. Alright, let’s go 3…2…1…Ok, for real now 3…2…1…Third time is the charm 3…2…1…Well I suppose that does it for the day. I got a pretty good burn in and I can see all the chicks are already checking me out. What’d that guy say? Why am I wearing jeans and a button down? Well I like to keep classy no matter what. Turns out you may not be the suave, debonair man you thought you were after 12 Keystones. Well, life could be worse, you could be sober.

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SHOUT OUTS!

The Black Sheep Reviews: Not the Cosbys – A XXX parody Quinn wrote this I recently decided that maybe I could negate the devastating feelings of shame and guilt that accompany my typical porn experiences (usually in a TV booth at the Undergrad) by watching something that gives me good feelings emotionally and physically. Some of you might say “most people fulfill those feelings with other humans,” but I simply don’t care to respond to your judgment. However, I recently flew too close to the sun as I discovered the Cosby porn parody. The more I watched it, the more I could feel my seven-year-old self curl into a ball and attempt to suffocate himself with his tears and confusion. So if your innocence is a salad, prepare to have it tossed. To start, Thomas Ward, the guy who plays Cliff Huxtable, is really, really good at his impersonation. Although he doesn’t have sex, it still adds that level of creepiness as he looks and talks just like Cosby while making weird sex jokes. The main plot goes something like this: Denise (the oldest sister) feels that it is time to lose her virginity because she’s going to college and all her girlfriends are “addicted to sex.” Obviously, ole Dr. Huxtable doesn’t like any of this, and he and Claire try to keep the household under control as all the kids go off having lots lots of sex. Eventually Denise’s boyfriend gets tired of waiting for her and goes to a CrAzY SeX PaRtY where he gets all sorts of hj’s, bj’s and tounge-to-butthole action. Denise gets pissed because she wanted to lose her virginity, and have her butt licked by her boyfriend. This all leads to, and I quote from the website’s synopsis, “an explosion of non-stop pussy eating, cocksucking & hardcore fucking.” Good job, www.sitcums.com, if I hadn’t read about the explosion of cock-sucking to occur in this movie, I may have passed. I may have just though this was a regular Cosby Parody, and not one that involved Theo banging the bejesus out of multiple women.

To make sure this fine film remains a parody and not just a video of people having sex, the moviemakers throw Theo (Tyler Knight, whom this fine paper interviewed) and “Cockroach” (Tee Reel) in as they find out about the crazy sex party. For some reason they had Knicks tickets, but they give them up in order to go crash Denise’s friend’s crazy sex party. Instead of making funny noises and offering advice about being a good person and loving life, Cliff merely looms in the background as all his kids are off f’ing or getting f’ed. And I know you’ve been wondering, but none of the kids have sex with each other. Apparently you can spread a butthole on camera, but having two “siblings” bang each other is crossing the line. It’s starting to sound like I wanted that to happen, but I don’t, I’m just saying people have weird boundaries – especially when Rudy gets naked, even though in the show she is like, ten.

In any case, these long-form porn videos are really hard to get through. Seriously, I just wanted it to be over (after the first sex scene ifyouknowwhatI’msayin’). I think, if I were in the porn industry, they should just start running porn parody shows. If you could make fast production, you could literally parody a show episode for episode. So for example, last week in The Office, Michael hosted the Dundees with Deangelo Vickers, and everyone sings to Michael in the conference room. Okay, so make the Dundees a sex competition and turn the singing part into an orgy. Scripted. And then we could even have porn parody commercials! “Why don’t you drink a real beer?” “Why don’t you take that beer tap and…” It’s so easy, and no one would have to sit through 70 minutes of terrible acting if each episode were like 17minutes of raunchy boning, and 8 minutes of plot development (that would be copied from the real show anyway). But in the meantime, go watch Not The Cosby Show XXX porn parody, and let your inner child die.

To the Watermelon Queen, Thanks for struggling your ass off trying to open the beer garden door at Country Night. You made my walk in the storm worthwhile. Stay Classy, T. Farva, Stop lying about why you left school, we all know that you got kicked out for sending pictures of your wiener to that girl. Hey Justin - nice job passing out early, at least you got to sleep with your milk, that's all that really matters, right? To Molly- thanks for waking me up and trying to convince me that I peed myself, it smelled like Mountain Dew! Girl who tried taking down Das Boot at White Ho... nice attempt, but we all saw it get all over your face...FAIL! Mike, you're leaving in two weeks, step up and make a move or you'll never see me naked.- Amanda Too many Hamms in my hand is not handy, right Mike? SEND IN YOUR BEST SHOUT OUT TO SHOUT@theblacksheeponline.com or upload them at theblacksheeponline.com

The Bar Grid Page 1 of 3 Wednesday (5/04): MARTIN SEXTON with SARAH LEE & JOHNNY (Early!) EOTO with SIGNAL PATH (Late!)

WEDNESDAY, MAY 4TH: Red Bull Chariot Race Post-Party 11pm- DJ ROCK CITY Friday Night Resident DJ from the Underground in Chicago $3 Red Bull Vegas Bombs $4 Red Bull Vodkas $2 Bud Light Bottles

THURSDAY: Bud Light NFL Draft Party! If an Illinois player gets drafted, for 15 Minutes after the pick, food is 1/2 price! Win Cubs Tickets, NFL Jerseys & more!

SUNDAY: Trivia Night! $2 Domestic Drafts $2 Wells

JOE PUG (Early Show!) WOMPDOWN WEDNESDAYS! Mug Night! DJ Support from Chalicedubs.com $5 Mugs, $3 Refills

$2 Stella Artois Bottles $2 Malibu Rum $2 Sauza Silver Tequila $2 Jim Beam Whiskey

$2 Svedka, $2 Malibu Rum $3 Jack Daniels Get the New Firehaus Mug! $2 Bud Refills, $3 Goose Refills

$1 Domestic Bottles $1 Chicken Strips

THE NEW PORNOGRAPHERS and THE WALKMEN

Thursday Night RAGE! $2 Skyy Vodka $2 Long Islands $3 Skyy Vodka Red Bull $3 Vegas Bombs $2 Any Beer Btl. in the House!

Bud Light NFL Draft Party! If an Illinois player gets drafted, for 15 Minutes after the pick, food is 1/2 price! Win Cubs Tix, NFL Jerseys & more! $2.50 Bud Light Bottles $3 Jameson $3 Irish Car Bombs

$1 Wells

Happy Hour Food Special $3 PIZZAS! 3pm-9pm WIN CUBS TICKETS! $2 Bud Light 24oz Tallboy Cans $3 Absolut Vodka $3 Cruzan Rum

$3.99 Haus Fries All Day! $5 Bud Light 40's $2 Bud & BL Bottles $3 UV Vodka $3 Jager Bombs

$3 Jack Daniels $3 Vodka Redbull

$3 Jager Bombs $3 Wild Turkey $3 Bacardi $3 UV Vodka $2 Bud Light Bottles

Watch the Playoffs Here! BEER GARDEN IS OPEN! Live Music Sat Night from GLENDENNING featuring former Firehaus band "JAKE & JOE" $2.50 Bud Light Bottles $3 Absolut Vodka, $3 Bacardi $3 VEGAS BOMBS

$3 Captain Morgan $4 Bombs

Book your next party or event at the Clybourne Contact us at CochraneParty@Gmail.com

$2 ANYTHING IN THE HOUSE! $3.99 For 10 Firehaus Wings

Trivia Night! $2 Domestic Drafts $2 Wells

$2.50 Coronas $1 Tacos

SPECIAL NIGHT

Never a Cover. Ever.

WEDNESDAY: King of the WINGS! Find out who will be KING at 9pm! Enjoy great Keystone Light specials too!

WED 4/27

BOYS’ NIGHT OUT $4 Martinis (4 Flavors!) 1.50 Miller High Life $9 Carafe of Long Islands DJ RANDALL ELLISON 9pm

KING OF THE WINGS! CHAMPIONSHIP ROUND! $1.50 Keystone Light Taps Mug it up! Bring in any mug (up to 22oz) & we’ll fill it! $1.75 ANY Domestic,$2.75 ANY Micro $2 Long islands (5 flavors) $2 Jäger Bombs

THURS 4/28

THuRSTY THuRSDAY Rotating DJ Schedule $4 Select Sobieski Vodka Martinis! $3.50 Bells Oberon Pints $3 Red Stripe/Red Stripe Light

$1 Wells $2 SoCo Lime Shots $2.50 Jack/SoCo/Tuaca $3 Jumbo Long Islands $3.75 Miller/Coors Pitchers

DJ Ian Procell & DJ REFLEX 10PM (house)

$5 App & Fries with Domestic Draft Beer 5-9pm $1 Cherry & O Bombs $2 Jäger Bombs $3 Three Olives Mixers $3 Hot Shots $4 Jumbo Double Wells $6 ALL Domestic Pitchers

FISHING WITH DYNAMITE (Early!)

SATURDAY THROWDOWN! DJ MERTZ 10 PM

$5 App & Fries with Domestic Draft Beer 5-9pm $1 Cherry & O Bombs $2 Jäger Bombs $3 Bacardi $3 Hot Shots $4 Jumbo Double Wells $6 ALL Domestic Pitchers

GIRLS NEXT DOOR: One Night Only (Early!)

FRI 4/29

SAT 4/30

Sammy's Bounce 4 Beats featuring SUPER MASH BROS (Late!)

ROCKY HORROR PICTURE SHOW with Shadow Cast (Late!)

SUN 5/01

Closed

MON 5/02

Van Gogh a Go Go! $5 Van Gogh Cocktails PINEAPPLE ACAI BLUEBERRY DOUBLE ESPRESSO VG GIN $6 Van Gogh Martinis DIRTY MASTERPIECE PINEAPPLE GIMLET ACAI COSMO GIMLET

$1 Wells $2 JUMBO Long Islands $4 Domestic Pitchers Pub quiz @ 8pm after pub quiz Bonus Rounds of Buzztime Trivia - extra prizes

$1 WILD MONDAYS Live Music! No Cover! $1 Beers and $1 Wells

$2 ANYTHING IN THE HOUSE!

Watch the Bulls & Hawks Playoff Games Here! $1 BUD LIGHT DRAFTS $2 Cruzan Rum $2 Sauza Tequila

TUES 5/03

T-N-T! Tuesday Night Trivia 7PM Liquid Courage Karaoke 9:30 $4 SVEDKA MARTINIS! $1.50 MILLER HL BTLS

$3 (cover) for "All You Care to Eat" Tacos $2 Wells $3 Jumbo Margaritas $3 Tequila Sunrise $3 16oz. Miller/Coors Tall Boys $5 Patron

THE PIANO MAN Playing all your favorites with $3 Real Long Islands! No Cover!

Don't Forget: Wednesday May 4th Reading Day Eve Happy Hour 3pm-9pm - $3 PIZZAS $2 Bud Light 24oz Tallboy Cans Watch the Chariot Races at 5pm in front of Clybourne

Tuesday Night Baseball WIN CUBS TICKETS EVERY TUESDAY! $2.99 Ch. Burger & FF 4-9pm $2 Wells featuring UV Vodka $5 Sharkbowls, $5 Bud Lt Pitchers $3 Soco Shots & Drinks

Logo Glass Night $3 Glass $2 Refills

WED 5/04

BOYS’ NIGHT OUT $4 Martinis (4 Flavors!) 1.50 Miller High Life $9 Carafe of Long Islands DJ RANDALL ELLISON 9pm

15 Cent WINGS 9pm -? $1.50 Keystone Light taps Mug it up! Bring in any mug (up to 22oz) & we’ll fill it! $1.75 ANY Domestic $1.75 Miller High Life Bottles $2.75 ANY Micro $2 Long islands (5 flavors) $2 Jäger Bombs

MARTIN SEXTON with SARAH LEE & JOHNNY (Early!)

Red Bull Chariot Race Post-Party 11pm- DJ ROCK CITY Friday Night Resident DJ from the Underground in Chicago $3 Red Bull Vegas Bombs $4 Red Bull Vodkas $2 Bud Light Bottles

Reading Day Eve Watch the Red Bull Chariot Races in front of Firehaus at 5pm BEER GARDEN IS OPEN! $2 Svedka, $2 Malibu Rum $3 Jack Daniels Get the New Firehaus Mug! $2 Bud Refills, $3 Goose Refills

$1 Domestic Bottles $1 Chicken Strips

EOTO with SIGNAL PATH (Late!)

The Bar Grid Page 2 of 3

Green Street Café 35 E. Green Street DOWNTOWN

SPECIAL NIGHT

EVERYDAY: $5 Pitchers, $1 Drafts $1 Cherry Bombs $3.50 Jager Bombs $1 Kamikaze $2.50 Shot Board Shots

WED 4/27

$2.50 Ice Bombs $3.50 Jager Bombs $4 Car Bombs LATE NIGHT FOOD SPECIALS!

THURS 4/28

$1 Bottles $2.50 Sex on the Beach $3 Double Rum Wells LATE NIGHT FOOD SPECIALS!

$4 ICB’s $3.50 Pitchers Miller & Bud Lite $2 All 12 oz. Bottles $3 Dr's. $4 Strong Islands

$3 Sangria $3 Sweet Tea Vodka

FRI 4/29

$4 Double Red Bull Vodkas $2.50 Amaretto Stone Sours $3 Strong Islands LATE NIGHT FOOD SPECIALS!

Pyramid Productions Party DJ Spinning at 10:30

The Perfect Place for the CUBS, SOX, and CARDS GAMES!

SAT 4/30

$3.50 Jager Bombs $3 Double Vodka Wells $2.50 Tequila Sunrise LATE NIGHT FOOD SPECIALS!

$2 Budweisers $3 Dr's., $3 Cpt. & Coke $4 Double Vodka Red Bulls $4 Signature Drinks

The Perfect Place to GETAWAY!

SYNERGY SATURDAYS 10PM $3 Corona/Corona Light $3 Red Bull & Vodka $3 Cherry Bombs

$2 U CALL IT

FREE POOL $1 12oz. Miller Lite & Bud Light Drafts $2 Wells $3 Call Drinks $4 Strong Islands

Come watch all the games! $2.50 Import Bottles

AVAILABLE FOR PARTY BOOKING (217-356-2337)

CLOSED...Go To CO's

Baseball is Here! $2 Domestics Bottles $2 Wells

MON 5/02

$5 Pitchers 50¢ Pizza Slices

$1 Pint Refills of Miller Lite and Bud Light $2 All Miller Bottles $3 Rumpleminze $4 Double Vodka/RB $1 Off All Burgers

1/2 Price Apps After 5PM

THE APPLESEED CAST (Early Show) 80's NIGHT! (Late) $1.50 Domestic Bottles $1.50 Wells NO COVER

Monday Night Joes $2 RBV's | DJ Rylko Come meet Robert Bosco the First

$1.50 High Life Drafts!

TUES 5/03

Wing Night! (8pm-midnight) $.50 Jumbo Chicken Wings $1.00 Chicken Strips 3 for $1 Jumbo Popcorn Chicken $2 Coronas

Outlaw Karaoke $2 Bud and Miller Bottles $3 Cherry Bombs $4 Strong Islands $3.50 Motza Sticks

$4 Long Island Iced Teas $2 Wells

AVAILABLE FOR PARTY BOOKING (217-356-2337)

The 8th Grade Dance $1 Tequila Shots $1 Jello Shots $2 Blue Moons

1/2 Price Tuesdays 1/2 Price Pool and Miller Lite Drafts ALL DAY LONG and 1/2 Price Large Pizza (after 6pm)

WED 5/04

$2.50 Ice Bombs $3.50 Jager Bombs $4 Car Bombs LATE NIGHT FOOD SPECIALS!

OPEN MIC Night $2.50 Corona $2.50 Jager Bombs $3 Strong Islands $4 ICB’s

$3 Jack Daniels $3 Bacardi + Red Bulls

Country Night! $1 Domestic Bottles $2 Imports DJ Stifler spinning the best in country music

Waffle Fry Wednesdays Get your waffle fry fix one day a week only $2 Any Bomb DJ John Han & 3AM Nation

$1.50 Domestics $1.75 Wells $2.00 Imports

MONDAY: HAPPY HOUR 1/2 Price Apps DAILY 6-8 After 5PM Special Night Half off Hookah's $2 Miller Lite and Coors Happy Hour $1 off all Appetizers and ½ off all Hookah’s (at GSC2) from 6-8 every day. FREE POOL Light Drafts Free pool during happy hour!!! 35 E. Green Street

OPEN MIC Night $2.50 Corona Wednesday $2.50 Bombs OPEN MICJager Night $3 Islands $2.50Strong Corona $4Bombs ICB’s $2.50 Jager

$3 Jack Daniels $3 Bacardi + Red Bulls

Every Wednesday: Country Night! $1 Domestic Bottles $2 Imports DJ Stifler spinning the best in country music

Friday: Bud Light's Man v. Joe The Big Joe Eating Contest @ 7pm $250 Cash Prize

1/2 Price Tuesdays 1/2 Price Pool and Miller Lite Drafts ALL DAY LONG and 1/2 Price Large Pizza (After 6pm)

Country Night! $1 Domestic Bottles $2 Imports DJ Stifler spinning the best in country music

Bombs Away Wednesday $2 Any Bomb $4 G Bombs Come win Dierks Bentley tickets at 11

$1.50 Domestics $1.75 Wells $2.00 Imports

1/2 Price Burgers Cubs/Sox/Cardinals Starting at 7 $2 Miller U-Call It

$3 Fat Tire Drafts $3 Bacardi Flavors

Bud Light Man v. Joe Big Joe Eating Contest 7pm $250 Cash Prize

$10 Large Pizzas after 10pm

Live Music Outside All Day 1/2 Price Burgers Spend your last weekends here with all your friends

$10 Large Pizzas after 10pm

$3 Strong Islands

SUN 5/01

$2 Miller Lite and Coors Light Drafts

“After Hours” w/ DJ Hot Saus

$3 Strong Islands $8 Btls of Wine & Champagne $2 Smirnoff ICE $4 24oz Campus Special

Salsa w/DJ BR!S 8PM DJ DELAYNEY (10PM) House, Hip-Hop, R&B, & Old School Dance

KAM'S

The Bar Grid Page 3 of 3

SATURDAY: KAMS SPRING BASH! Illinois Marathon Party $3.50 Vodka & BAM $2 Lite Bottles

Win a Nintendo 3DS! Come in often to fill out a free raffle ticket!

FRIDAY: $2.75 Miller Lite, Coor's Light, Bud, and Bud Light $5.00 Double Skyy Vodka $5.00 Double Wild Turkey

WED, MAY 4th: Red Lion's 5th Annual SENIOR PROM $1 U CALL IT's $2 EVERYTHING ELSE Decorations - Photographer Tickets are on sale now at REDLIONCHAMPAIGN.com

SATURDAY: Dance, Baby Dance Chicago-style DJs and More

DAS BOOT Tuesday! Keep Your Boots! $1 Hamms Cans $2.50 Dr. Shots

SPECIAL NIGHT

FRATTLE of the DJs! $1000 GRAND PRIZE TONIGHT! $1.50 Bud U Call It Drafts and Bottles $3 UV Vodka & Bam

School of Beer! Enroll Today! $2 Domestic Bottles $2.50 Import Bottles $2 Bacardi Drinks No Cover

Logo Glass Day! $5.50 Pitchers PBR & High Life $2 Captain Morgan Singles and Dr. McGuillicuddy Shots $4 Sweet Tea & Smirnoff Vodka Doubles

$1 Old Man Cans $3 Irish Car Bombs $3 Jameson Irish Whiskey $2 Amaretto

I Love the 90s with DJ Mingram $2 Import Bottles $3 Jager Bombs

Outlaw Karaoke $7.50 Rum and Cola Pitchers $13.00 Captain and Cola Pitchers

WED 4/27

klub kams! $3 UV & Bam $2 Lite Bottles $1 Miller High Life Bottles All Energy Beads! DJ JOHN HAN!

Logo Glass Night $2 Refills $2 Bacardi Drinks

$2 Specialty Pints & Bottles $6.75 Pitchers Killians & Honey Brown $2 Pinnacle Vodka & Jim Beam Singles $2 Burst Shots $4 Bacardi Doubles

Shacker Night $5 UV Shackers $2 UV Vodka $2 Bud Light Bottles

SPIN CITY $2 U-CALL-IT

$7.50 Pitchers of Miller, Coors, and Killians $7.50 Pitchers of Whiskey Cola $13.00 Jack and Cola Pitchers $3.00 Cherry Bombs

THURS 4/28

CUERVO BLITZ! $2 Cuervo $3.50 Ursus & Bam $2.50 Captain $2.75 24oz. Lite Bottles $6 Lite Pitchers

$2 Miller Lite Bottles $4 Neon 99s $4 Bacardi Doubles No Cover

$2.00 Bud, Bud Light, Coor's Light, and Miller Lite Pints $7.00 Killians and Honey Brown Pitchers $4.50 Skyy Doubles $4.50 Wild Turkey Doubles $2.50 Dr McGuillicuddy Shots

$3 Bacardi $3 Jager Bombs $3 Svedka Vodka $2 Bud Light Bottles

Party at the Best Looking Bar in Town!

$6 Miller/Coors Pitchers $9 Premium Beer Pitchers Beer Garden is Open!

FRI 4/29

KAMS SPRING BASH! Illinois Marathon Party $3.50 Vodka & BAM $2 Lite Bottles

$2 Coors Light Bottles $4 Neon 99s $4 Bacardi Doubles No Cover

$2 Pints Killians/Honey Brown $7 Pitchers Bud, Miller & Coors & Bud Light $2.50 Pints Murphyâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Pub Irish Stout $4.50 Bacardi & Jim Beam Doubles $2.50 Burst Shots

CLUB 211 Lights Out - Blacklights! Free Glowsticks & LIVE DJ $2 Bud Light Bottles $3 Absolut Vodka $3 Jim Beam Whiskey

Dance, Baby Dance Chicago-style DJs and More

$2 High Life Drafts $2.50 Well Drinks $3 Jaeger Bombs Beer Garden is Open!

SAT 4/30

$1.50 U CALL IT Drafts, Bottles, Wells, Calls

$2 Bud Light Bottles $3 Any Draft $2 Bacardi Drinks

$2 Specialty Pints & Bottles $5.75 Pitchers Bud, Miller & Coors & Bud Light $2 Well Mixers & Burst Shots $4 Wild Turkey & Skyy Vodka Doubles

Book your next party or event at the Red Lion Contact us at CochraneParty@Gmail.com

WANT TO REALLY IMPRESS THEM? BOOK THE BEST PLACE IN TOWN 359-SOMA (7662)

Closed

SUN 5/01

1-2-3 NIGHT $1 Wells and Drafts $2 Bottles and Energy Drinks $3 Pitchers

$2 All Bottles including imports $2 Bacardi Drinks No Cover!"

Global Draft Night! $5 Pitchers PBR & High Life $2 Sweet Tea & Smirnoff Vodka Singles and Dr. McGuillicuddy Shots $4 Captain Morgan Doubles

$1 U CALL IT $1 Sauza Tequila Shots $2 Red Bull Vodka's $3 Bud Light Pitchers DJ Marshmallow

BOOKING PRIVATE PARTIES, EXCHANGES, IMPROMPTUS, AND SEMI-FORMALS NOW... 359-SOMA (7662)

$2 DOMESTIC Bottles

MON 5/02

COUNTRY NIGHT! $1.50 Lite Drafts $3.25 Double Beam Drinks Ride the Mechanical Bull!

Ride the Rail! $2 Miller Lite/Coors Light $2 Bacardi Drinks No Cover!

$1.50 Pints Killians/Honey Brown $5.75 Pitchers Bud, Miller & Coors & Bud Light $2.00 Bacardi Singles & Burst Shots $4.00 Pinnacle Vodka and Jim Beam Doubles

$2 Skyy Vodka $2 Wild Turkey $2 Cruzan Rum $2 Goose Island 312 Drafts $2 UV Vodka & Red Bull

CALL NOW! DATES ARE FILLING UP FAST!!! 359-SOMA (7662)

DAS BOOT Tuesday! Keep Your Boots! $1 Hamms Cans $2.50 Dr. Shots

TUES 5/03

BUD NIGHT $2 U Call It Bottles $6 Bud Light Pitchers $3 UV Vodka & Bam Bud Girls

School of Beer! Enroll Today! $2 Domestic Bottles $2.50 Import Bottles $2 Bacardi Drinks No Cover

Logo Glass Day! $5.50 Pitchers PBR & High Life $2 Captain Morgan Singles and Dr. McGuillicuddy Shots $4 Sweet Tea & Smirnoff Vodka Doubles

Red Lion's 5th Annual SENIOR PROM $1 U CALL IT's $2 EVERYTHING ELSE Decorations - Photographer Tickets are on sale now at REDLIONCHAMPAIGN.com

I Love the 90s with DJ Mingram $2 Import Bottles $3 Jager Bombs

Outlaw Karaoke $7.50 Rum and Cola Pitchers $13.00 Captain and Cola Pitchers

WED 5/04

Smirnoff Girls 12am-1:30am

www.theblacksheeponline.com

New Euphemisms For Sex

Phil Azar wrote this

up with your roommate,” and then your roommate/ex-best friend says that exact same thing. What does “hook up” even mean? Honestly, it could be anything from the kissing scene in G-Force to the hot tub scene in the remake, G-Spot Force. Now I touched a little bit on this in my critically acclaimed 2003 novel, Taming the Pommel Horse: A Guide to Enslaving the Entire Romanian Race, but our generation needs new euphemisms and idioms for sex. We need new verbage that reflects our sexy, stylish culture and says, “Hey it’s 2011, and we’re getting laid!” Here are a few starters:

Stabbing the Uterus: This refers to a rough sexual experience that was unpleasant for the female. Violent? Yes. Crude? Absolutely. Misogynist? I have no idea what that word even means. Example: “Oh my gosh, Steve totally stabbed my uterus last night. At least now I can cancel my appointment at Planned Parenthood.”

Readers, we are at a crossroads. It’s the year 2011 and we have failed to land on the moon, create any of the robots in The Jetsons, and Romania is still a sovereign nation. However, these failures pale in comparison to our biggest dalliance: we are using the same euphemisms for sex as our parents did. It’s embarrassing when your mother says, “I just hooked

Meeting the Neighbors: This is the most polite way to say you smashed some rando slam piece. It also harks back to the golden days of America when community values mattered and neighbors would surprise each other with a freshly baked pie. Example: “I met the neighbor last night.” “Dude, we live next to Champaign Elementary?!” “What about it?”

Poked: A Facebook reference that implies more than catching someone’s attention. Zuckerberg definitely had an innuendo in mind when he wrote the code for this one. A poke implies a casual hook up. Example: “I think I poked her. Whatever, wanna get lunch?” Beating Your Romanian: A reference towards masturbation or physical abuse towards your Romanian slave. Hopefully by 2013 these two will be one in the same. Example: “Slov, did you stick that triple back-flip dismount? That’s what I thought. Go get the baseball bat and the lotion, we got a long night ahead of us.” Dizzin’: I have no idea what this means. I asked an African American what he would call sex and this is what he said. Example: “Hey Antoine, what do you people call sex?” “Dizzin’.” So there you go, in the amount of time it takes me to stab the uterus I came up with five golden terms. Pretty soon archaic terms such as “hooking up” and “making love” will be as useless as Dizzin’ stick. And if this article offended any Romanians, I’m sorry…that you’re from such a shitty place. What has your country contributed to the world in the past 100 years? America may not have done much, but at least we liberated France and gave the world cocaine and disco. And let me tell you, there is no better way to do some dizzin’ than these two.

Send in your pics to pics@theboozenews.com or upload them at theblacksheeponline.com

S E R U T C I P K E E W E OF TH

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View AND Send Pics from our iPhone/ Android App!

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bartenders

WEEK

of the

Dena C BOLTINI LOUNGE

Relationship Status: Dating Good Beer or Shitty Wine? Good Beer What celebrity would you most like to punch? Jennifer Ketchmark What’s the worst pickup line you’ve ever heard/use? While rolling silverware a guy said he wished he had a girl that could “roll like me.” Favorite shot? “Orange you glad this shot is bananas?” What’s the best night to bartend? Friday Happy Hour Favorite drinking game? I don’t like games. Last movie you saw in theaters? Toy Story 3 What’s the most embarrassing thing you’ve had happen to you on the job? I spilled about 8 martinis on a group of girls. How long have you been bartending? I don’t remember What’s your middle name? Morgan What’s the first letter you guess in Wheel of Fortune? C What reality TV show would you be on? The Biggest Loser

lordy, lordy Louis Pasteur once said, “Luck favors the prepared,” but really, what has that guy ever done? This game is 100% luck, so no matter how prepared you may think you are, you’re still going to get screwed once in a while. Enjoy.

GUIDO’S

er: t s a s Di r o f e Recip The Fat Carnie

Carnival workers sure are creepy, but they obviously only continue working the tilt-a-whirl because it’s so chill. Flirting with kids all day? Check. Being able to work while under the influence of drugs and alcohol? Check! Regularly enjoying food that’ll surely make you undesirable to the opposite sex? Ch-eck! What You’ll Need: Hot dogs, hot dog buns, chicken tenders, queso, ranch dressing, bacon bits, banana peppers, hot sauce. Cook Time: Around 15 minutes, just enough time to pound some more beer. Fatty Factor: Oh, just give up any hope of feeling confident on the beach while sober. It’s all about liquid confidence anyway. Let’s Get Baked: - Be smart, and stick those chicken tenders in the oven right away, based upon the directions on the bag. - With about five minutes left on the tenders, start boiling them dogs. Also, stick the buns in the oven with about a minute left to get them nice and toasty. Warm up some queso in a bowl in the microwave. - After the dogs and the tenders are done, stick the dog in the bun. Then, wedge the tenders next to the dog in the bun. - Pour the queso atop the whole thing. Drizzle with ranch. Sprinkle bacon bits and banana peppers on top. Finally, top it off with hot sauce if you’re feeling up to it. Unlike being smack dab in the middle of an orgy with Bob, the local fat carnie, this fat carnie of the edible-variety will leave you much, much more satisfied.

Sexy Time

Sandwiches

Indian

Studying

Tail-Gate

Soups

Italian

drinking games

Jaclyn H

Hangover

Number of Players: At least two What You Need: Beer, an iron will, a deck of cards and lady luck. Intoxication Level: You’ll need a Lloyd’s of London insurance policy on that liver. How to Play: -The dealer shuffles the deck and lays 12 cards face-down on a table. -One person plays at a time. -The object of the game is to get through the face-down cards while taking as few drinks as possible. -In this game the number cards are worth zero, Jacks are worth one, Queens two, Kings three and Aces four. -The player flips over the cards in order. -If a numbered card is flipped over, they may turn over the next card with no consequence. -If a face card or an Ace is flipped over, that player must drink the corresponding number of drinks (example: Queen= two drinks) and add that many cards (Ace=four cards) to the end of the deck. - Once the player gets to the end of the face-down cards their turn is over. Reshuffle the deck and start over. The Game Ends When: Your luck has run out.

Relationship Status: Sammy B Favorite TV Show? “Chelsea Lately” Favorite drink to make? Patron (warm) Favorite drink to drink? ULLttraaa!!! What celebrity would you most like to party with? The cast of Full House What’s your favorite kind of beer? Ultra!! How’d you get this job? What? Are you trying to get my job? Who is your favorite Disney princess? Jasmine What’s the last song you listened to on your iPod or other music listening device? Chicken Dance How tall are you? 5’8” Do you ever drink on the job? Has it ever affected your job performance? Not at this one, Office baby!! What’s the most expensive tab you’ve ever witnessed? Make it happen... Guilty pleasure food? Strawberry ice cream

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Review

THE

PAGE

BOOZE REVIEW

mixer center

GRADE: B-

Introduction Not many people like gin, mostly because you can’t really take shots of it. Not only that, but outside of tonic, it doesn’t really mix well with your everyday sodas. However, if you want to seem like a classy person with classy friends, you should go buy a cheap bottle of Glenmore Gin and some tonic. People will come over and say, “Oh you’re a gin drinker?” and you can say “Yeah, not many people like gin, because you can’t really take shots of it. But I’ve grown accustomed to the taste. And it glows under black lights so it gives me an excuse to explain the stains on my pants in the dance room.” History Glenmore Gin is distilled in Kentucky, despite being a “London Dry” gin. But that’s kind of the way alcohol goes, they say they are from somewhere or in the style of another place, but then are actually made right here in the U.S. of A. There isn’t much to say about the history of Glenmore Gin, besides the controversial history of its creator – Glen Moore (originally Glenn Huxtable, but then changed his name because he didn’t want to be associated with “well-to-do black people”). The overtly racist Glen

More went through a series of failed investments, including Slamball, the XFL, and cheerporn (a fruitless movement to get NBA cheerleaders to have sex during halftime and full timeouts). Finally, while lying naked in ditch outside of the bourbon trail in Kentucky, he decided the truly American thing he could apply his talents to was making alcohol. So, he drove over to wherever Seagram’s is distilled, kidnapped three executives, and started his own business. Sounds crazy, but that is literally what happened. And the kidnapped executives got so rich off of Glenmore Gin that they eventually forgave Glen. Yep.

Tonic – AStraight – C Cran Juice – C+ Mountain Lightning – C Hot Tea – F JOOSE – F-

ˇˇ ˇˇˇˇ

Glenmore Gin

Typical Drinkers Roller skaters, gas station clerks, Tate Dillo, the newly homeless, Theo Huxtable, Van Wilder, Jimmy Connors, Franklin & Bash

Conclusion It’s a cheap gin that’s worth giving a try. It mixes well with tonic, obviously, but fruity drinks as well. You can even drink it straight if you are poor or drunk already. In any case, you can claim gin and tonic “as your drink” and impress all the ladies who are easily impressed.

TOP 10

Worst Things To Wake Up With Tomorrow Morning Waking up on a morning after drinking is always full of surprises for college kids like us. Some are shocked by the questionable pictures on their cameras or maybe just the stories friends tell them about dancing and falling off a table at Red Lion. The biggest surprises, though, come as soon as you open your eyes. They’re all around you, haunting your morning like the ghost of last night past. 10. Some high schooler: They just get more creative each year when it comes to sneaking in to the bars. It’s not your fault that the bouncer didn’t catch that she was a “29-year-old from Manhattan”, but it is most definitely your fault that you didn’t catch on when she mentioned that her prom is next weekend.

Where Are They Now: Van Wilder Mike Bennyboyson Wrote this If you happen to be driving down I-15 in San Diego on a bright Tuesday or Thursday afternoon, there is a good chance that you may run into a familiar face in one of the California tollbooths. After spending seven years partying in college and getting with scores of babes, Van Wilder seems to have fallen on some hard times. He now works in a tollbooth on a busy California highway after several failed acting and pornography exploits. And now, after commuters have begun to complain to his manager about his rude, sexist attitude and sad college hijinks, it appears that Mr. Wilder still has a while to go to find stability. In this crossroads of his life, between I-15 and 257, I sat down with Van Wilder to find out just how the most popular man on campus has become the shame of the California Toll Worker Union 194. Van: Right after college I felt like nothing could stop me. I mean, I was able to graduate, my nemesis was rejected from med school, and I was with the girl of my dreams. My future seemed bright and promising. And then... TBS: The real world. Van: Yes... that. I quickly learned that spending seven years in college usually raises a couple eyebrows among employers. “You’re 25 years old?” They would ask. “Why are you just getting out of college now?” I would tell them that I spent the first six and half years of college partying, having casual sex, and cheating my way through the system thanks to my super-rich father. But then I would tell them that after six years I met this super gorgeous girl who I really wanted to bang, but in order to do so I had to clean up may act and graduate, so I did. Did you write that down? TBS: No, I didn’t. I take it they didn’t like that? Van: No, I guess they were looking for nerds or something! TBS: True that, man. But at least you had that fine Gwen Pearson as your lady, things couldn’t have been that bad with her around! Van: You would think, but apparently poisoning somebody in order to sabotage their chances of getting into med school is a crime. She got ten years for attempted manslaughter, they really take that stuff seriously. TBS: Totally. Well, tell us about why you decided to move to

California. Van: Since I wasn’t able to get a white-collar job, I decided to leave squareville, move to LA, and work in the movie business. In college my favorite movies were Vacation and Animal House, so I assumed that working for National Lampoon would be perfect for me! TBS: Well, was it? Van: No, apparently National Lampoon hasn’t made a good movie since Vacation and Animal House. TBS: So what did you do? Van: What any failed actor does in Hollywood, porn! TBS: Porn? Ouch, but at least that’s good pay. Van: Yeah, that is if you’re an actor. I worked as a janitor at 69 Cinema in San Diego. And it wasn’t easy work, either. Do you know what jizz smells like when it has been soaked into a padded movie theater seat for 3 days? TBS: No, can’t say that I do. Van: Well, to be honest it smells like any other movie theater seat. TBS: Can we stop talking about this? Van: Right. So there I was. Poor, homeless, and desperate. I turned to alcohol to solve my problems. I was getting drunk every night. Until my run-in with the law. But you know what? If it weren’t for the intervention of the police I would not have this job today! TBS: That’s great. Did they hook you up with this job as a sort of “get you back on your feet” sort of thing? Van: No, not at all. I was drunk one night and stole a pair of shoes from a Foot Locker. The police chased me down for hours until I hid in this tollbooth. The next morning the toll worker found me here and gave me the job. Apparently hiding in a tollbooth from the police is all it takes to get a job at one. Speaking of which, are you going to publish this interview? TBS: Umm, no. Van: Great! Well, I better get back to the old grind! That was the end of the interview. I pretty much learned that Van Wilder is a drunk and on the lam hiding in a tollbooth on I-15 in San Diego, if any cop is interested.

Are you Down to Flock? CampusFlock.com

9. A Jehovah’s Witness pamphlet: Not only does this mean you let one of those Bible-thumping freaks in to your home to talk about Jesus while you were high at 4A.M., but he also probably stole your DVD player when you weren’t looking. 8. Hospital wristband: The fated wristband that affirms your attendance at “Club Carle” last evening. What better way to start the day than with a huge hospital bill! Hey, think of it as paying cover to the most exclusive hotspot Champaign-Urbana has to offer. Good clubs always have the best drugs anyway.

7. The “U” stamp: The fact you didn’t wash it off immediately after entering the bar is beyond me, and now you’re just a loser who is still branded a youngin’. Make sure you look in the mirror before leaving your room and make sure that “U” didn’t somehow miraculously make it on your forehead too… I’m not saying from personal experience or anything. 6. An ear of corn: Your trophy after sneaking in to the Morrow Plots might just get you kicked out of school. You better incinerate that thing so they don’t trace the crime back to you. Seriously though, I hear our school’s investigation department features the likes of MacGyver, Horatio from CSI Miami, (Editor’s Note: Yeahhhhhhhhhhhhh!) and Scooby Doo. 5. Broken condom: Good luck with that one, champ…

4. Someone else’s phone: Or what I like to call, the Hangover Scavenger Hunt from Hell. Not only do you have to spend the day calling random people on a phone that is not as cool as yours, but also deal with all the main contacts not speaking English. Damn you, campus diversity.

3. A copy of The Odyssey: Not the classic Greek tale written by Homer, but the Greek-oriented newspaper that people use at frat houses when they run out of toilet paper. Now I know people usually frown upon flushing such thick paper down the toilet, but I don’t think the alternative was to bring it home with you to read the comics in the morning. I wondered what that smell was…

2. Quinn: Not that I don’t love this incredibly good looking ginger (who also happens to be our fab Managing Editor), but if you happen to wake up next to this guy, chances are you sold yourself out to be in the party pics page again. You know there are other ways to send in your pictures, right?

1. Nothing: Well, I guess that high schooler sounds kind of good after all. When’s your prom again, hot stuff? Fratastasia wrote this

continued from cover story... Name

Street Cred

Hits Your Lips

Bitterness

Make It Stop

The Tally

Comments

12. Icehouse

1.8

1.2

0.5

.75

1.1

Once Discount Liquor tried getting rid of Icehouse 22oz bottles by selling 24-packs for $8 each. I bought 5 24-packs, planning to sell bottles to my drunk friends for $1 each once the bars closed. The plan backfired and I had to drink all the Icehouse myself.

11. Foster's

1.2

1.6

1.5

Foster’s: Australian for Crap. The only real appeal Foster’s has is the noveltysized can. It’s good for a cheap joke and you can claim you’re drinking an import. Even then, the huge can has a drawback: you have to drink the whole thing.

10. Corona Light

1.4

1.1

1.6

“But you didn’t drink it with lime!” says a horde of idiots. Yes, this is true, but beer is like steak, it should be savored without adding anything. If we wanted our drinks to be fruitier, we’d switch to frozen margaritas.

9. Gameday Light

1.81

Gameday is the 7-Eleven beer brand, which should say leagues about the flavor-- horrible to begin and even worse by the end. The can looks simple and cool, but that's where the compliments stop.

8. PBR

3.6

1.5

1.2

1.83

Hipsters of the world cry foul, but PBR really should stand for “Please, Butt Rape,” as that would be a pleasant alternative to actually having to drink this swill.

7. Milwaukee's Best

2.7

2.4

Milwaukee’s Best Ice has the highest ABV of any of the beers in this test, so it’ll certainly get you drunk on the cheap. While it doesn’t taste horrible, the can screams, “I’m gonna get bombed and throw up on your carpet; please kick me out of this party.”

6. Labatt Blue

3.4

2.8

1.8

2.1

2.5

Average in every category, Labatt Blue accurately reflects Canada in its crappy beer ways.

5. Miller Lite

3.3

3.2

3.1

The beer may not taste great, but if enough of them get shoved down your gullet, that four quickly turns into a seven or an eight… and you haven’t been laid in a while anyway.

4. Bud Light

3.3

3.5

3.2

Seeing Bud Light pull almost the exact same scores as its ‘tard sister, Busch Light, is equal parts enlightening and depressing.

3. Busch Light

2.3

3.9

3.5

3.3

The Honda Civic of the Anheuser-Busch family, you could shell out a few extra bucks for the BMW (Bud Light), but both products will do a fine job of helping you arrive at your final, alcohol-riddled destination.

3.6

An old-school can to go with Old Style flavor, the surprise second-place beer should be honored and cherished like the national treasure it is. It’s cheap as dirt, and with a relatively high ABV to boot, Old Style is an acceptable alternative to the #1 spot…

4.1

Cheap, drinkable in mass quantities, and with a can that doesn’t look retarded, Coors Light is just about everything you can ask for in a crappy beer. Beer snobs may look down on those who choose to drink Coors Light, but to them we say, “Fuck you, does your can change colors?”

2. Old Style

1. Coors Light

4.2

3.2

3.8

3.3

4.2

Our Thoughts: • Going into the experiment, we were hoping to see the big-name brews like Bud Light, Miller Lite and Coors Light spread out a little more, as it would prove that a couple extra bucks doesn’t necessarily guarantee a (comparatively) high-quality beverage. Well, it didn’t work out that way. If you’re going to pay $5.50 for a 12pack of Icehouse, you will get a beer that’s properly valued at less than 50 cents a can. • Aside from a few outliers (Pleasantly: Old Style, unpleasantly: Gameday Light), the beers that ended up tasting most like ass had higher ABVs than the beers that did well in the challenge. To us, this states the obvious: beer companies hawking these products know that they can’t have it both ways; either their beer is going to be boozy and shitty, or light but less-than-horrible. Since the consumer isn’t willing to pony up the scratch for the best of both worlds, they’re not going to spend their time making a product that won’t sell. • Though it makes sense logically, it’s nice to see some empirical evidence back up the notion that if a beer starts off tasting bad, it won’t get better. Like, ever. We’re looking at you, Gameday Light. • It’s important to note appearance didn’t factor too heavily into the overall rankings. Busch Light received a relatively low Street Credibility score and placed in the top quarter, while Gameday Light was in the top quarter of Street Credibility scores and finished ninth overall.

With that, The Great Crappy Beer Taste Test draws to a close. Illusions were shattered, Livers were lost and the drunken orgy made everyone real awkward on Monday, but it was all in the name of science. If we’ve learned anything, it’s this: A world without beer is not a world we want to live in. Even if the beer totally sucks, like Icehouse.

3.7

4.2

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“Best Place to See a Movie” Buzz’s Best of C-U, 2010

K=100

Based on the Trailer

Win Win C=35 M=60 Y=60 K=100

dave saw this and gave it a...

Director:

Thomas McCarthy

Fast Five

Starring:

April 29th

Starring: Vin Diesel, Paul Walker, Dwayne Johnson What You Need to Know: A former cop (Paul Walker) partners with a scary ex-con (Vin Diesel) to shoot people, blow up cars, and break the law. Now that they are backed into a corner in Rio de Janeiro, they must pull one last job to gain their freedom. What We Think: BROS!!! ACTION!!! GIRLS!!! Can it get much better? Oh hell yeah. But does it need to? For this franchise, no way. Sure, any respectable human being would never actually enjoy these movies, but for the 17-year-old future fratdaddies of America, they are creaming themselves. No, they really are… there are boobs in the movie!

Something Borrowed May 6th Starring: Kate Hudson, Ginnifer Goodwin, John Krasinski What You Need to Know: Based off of the popular book by Emily Giffin, the ugly friend (Ginnifer Goodwin) wants her hot friends’ (Kate Hudson) hot boyfriend, but doesn’t feel good enough even though she was friends with the hot guy first. Okay, so she isn’t ugly but, like, she’s no Kate Hudson. What We Think: So, uh, don’t tell anyone, but the book wasn’t terrible. Though it was far from literary greatness, it was engaging enough and the plotline is mildly relatable. The movie looks extremely cheesy, but we’re holding our breath that John Krasinski will bring a down-to-earth humor that will make everyone comfortable. That being said, we aren’t holding our breath for too long.

Paul Giamatti, Alex Shaffer, Amy Ryan

Synopsis:

A wrestling film where the characters wrestle with more than just other people. They also wrestle with their feelings. And other people’s feelings. Got it?

K=0

In Win Win, Paul Giamatti stars as a muscular, handsome man who’s always happy and never grouchy because his life is completely fulfilling. Oh no, wait, I got that wrong. Giamatti actually plays the same guy he usually plays: a prickly schlub who, for some reason or another, is currently living a life he doesn’t enjoy. This time around, Giamatti is Mike Flaherty, a struggling lawyer in New Jersey who spends his nights co-coaching a failing high school wrestling team. His problems stem from an inability to keep his wife (Amy Ryan), children, or even himself happy. Please, oh, please, God of Giamatti Characters, won’t you bless Mr. Giamatti with yet another life-changing event that will snap him out of this depressing funk?! Fortunately the God of Giamatti Characters is a kind god and usually delivers a solid distraction to fix Giamatti’s unfulfilling life. In comes Kyle (Alex Shaffer) a high schooler who ends up in Giamatti’s care due to some dishonest lawyering Giamatti did to one of his older clients. Kyle’s a quiet kid with a troubled past who also happens to be an amazing wrestler, so it’s a no brainer that

on DVD

Paul Giamatti

Giamatti uses him to improve his wrestling team. But do Giamatti’s selfish actions eventually transform into feelings of true care? Yes, duh. I think at some point writer-director Thomas McCarthy must’ve had some unexpected person drop into his life and change it for the better. I say this because McCarthy seems to know a lot about the subject as he also directed 2008’s The Visitor, a film starring Richard Jenkins as a sad, unfulfilled man whose life turns around when two illegal immigrants are introduced in his life. Hmm, sounds pretty similar. Of course, the premises of The Visitor and Win Win aren’t exactly the same, and even if they are, it’s a good premise. But because they have similar ideas, both fall into similar traps: pretty much as soon as the unexpected person shows up (Kyle for this movie) you know where things are going. It’s a common trope; the new person will start off as a burden or nuisance, but eventually turn into a close friend. In The Visitor, the predictability was reduced because the plot was much more serious and emotional, but in Win Win, events were all the more predicable because the tone was

lighter and more quirky. But clichés can work when the other pieces of the film work as well, and things mostly do here. For seemingly just playing himself, Giamatti always gets good performances out of his go-to crabby guy. Somehow the balder and pudgier he gets, the sweeter a guy he can be. And him and Alex Shaffer work well together. I also liked seeing Amy Ryan as the wife of Giamatti. It’s nice to remember that she’s a good actress and not just a goofy character on The Office or a driven novice from The Wire. But probably the best thing Win Win has going for it is its ability to be honest yet still funny. There are a lot of times when I don’t feel like seeing a movie too depressing or dramatic; I don’t like to be reminded of how much life can suck. And even though Win Win reminded me of this a lot, it balanced itself out with a lot of moments that made me smile. Bless you, God of Giamatti Characters. Tonight, I will sacrifice a copy of Sideways on Blu-ray in your honor.

answers are a few from here

April 26th

Upstairs Downstairs Human Planet South Park: 14th Season Blow Out (The Criterion Collection)

May 3rd The Green Hornet The Dilemma Boy Meets World: Complete Fifth Season What Dreams May Come

Giamatti’s father was the seventh commissioner of what sports league?

While attending Yale, Giammatti was apart of what famous secret society, which includes famous alumni like George Bush?

Giamatti first received critical acclaim when he played Harvey Pekar in American Splendor. What kind of books did Pekar write?

Which 2004 romantic comedy did Giamatti star in, which also won an Academy Award for Best Adapted Screenplay?

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The Black Sheep Interviews: …And You Will Know Us by the Trail of Dead We were pleasant enough with the PR lady to finagle an interview with Autrey Fulbright from Austin rockers …And You Will Know Us by the Trail of Dead. They were in England, we were in the United States, but the connection was magic, like their new album Tao of the Dead. Cop that shit. Autry: I don’t think it’s something we’re conscious of, but The Black Sheep: Tao of the Dead, your latest album, came out if February. Based on your fans’ reception, it probably happens naturally. It all has to do with what we were doing or reading or listening to at the time, it’s nature are you pleased with the record? Autrey Fulbright: Yeah, definitely. This record was an and nurture. It’s not like we’re sitting around trying to make a record that we can say, “Yeah man, this is prog rock.” experiment, [frontman] Conrad Keeley, [drummer] Jason TBS: Do you guys pay attention to criticism? Reece and I have never worked together like this before. We like the same music and have the same influences, so Autrey: I think criticism needs to be taken with a grain of salt. It’s hard to ignore—especially a positive I’m happy it’s been a success. At shows people seem really pleased with the newer review that reinforces a view you held—that Singer Conrad material. stuff. But at the same time if it’s negative There are more than 26 milcriticism it doesn’t mean that what you TBS: How did the collaborative process Keely attended lion porn sites work with so many people contributing to made wasn’t worth making. Criticism is Evergreen State, circumstantial and it’s smart not to let it alter the album? the same college your worldview. Autrey: We kind of come up with different ideas or sketches together. We had a plan to TBS: That leads to my next question, as Simpsons your album Source Tags & Codes, do a record in a short period of time, so we creator Matt received rave reviews, do you feel like really tried to let ideas and influences come at Groening? you have to keep living up to that album? us naturally. It’s a lot of pressure because you Autry: We always want to do better, but it’s don’t know where you’re going at first. It’s like a jigsaw puzzle, you don’t know where DID YOU KNOW more like, “We like this more” than what a critic likes. We believe that we can make a the pieces really go at first. record that’s a step forward from where we were. TBS: On something like this how much do you leave on TBS: Do you find touring gets easier over time, or is it the cutting room floor? the same grind? Autrey: All the ideas are kinda there, and that’s the record. Autry: Well, this is the first tour for this record. There’s Everything that’s on the record was supposed to be there, natural challenges all the time, where you’re tired or not and there wasn’t a whole lot of fat that needed to be feeling well, but it’s a privilege to play for these audiences. trimmed. Like, a long solo is there to be listened to; we’re I mean, of course we have fun on stage, but we take it not going to put it there just to take up space. seriously out of respect for the fans and the music. The TBS: How wary are you of changing your sound?

Mary Jane’s Last Dance Tom Petty

Just Dance Lady GaGa

Dance With the Devil Immortal Technique

Dance Anthem of the 80’s Regina Spektor

Dance Yrself Clean LCD Soundsystem

Dance, Dance Fall Out Boy

Time to Dance Panic! At the Disco

Deer Dance System of a Down

10 Where the White Boys Dance The Killers 11 Dance, Dance, Dance Lykki Li 12 Same Song and Dance Eminem 13 The Brilliant Dance Dashboard Confessional 14 The Safety Dance Men Without Hats 15 Dance Little Liar Arctic Monkeys 16 The Dance Garth Brooks 17 Dance Floor Anthem Good Charlotte 18

Dance Hall Modest Mouse

Fleet Foxes

Fleet Foxes need no help understanding the blues.

You ever hear of the sophomore slump? No, you say? Let’s do an analogy. Freshman year you are fresh out of high school with still a pretty bangin’ body (hey, high school partying doesn’t really count) and since you are barely legal, everyone wants you. But then you drink too much beer too often, order a whole lot of pizza after 2 a.m., and think smoking weed on the couch with the cool stoners and not going to the gym makes you awesome. And it does, until you’ve gained 20 pounds and people start calling you “muffin top.” That’s when your sophomore year rolls around and it’s do or die time; you either fall into the pit of chubby despair and accept the fact that you will be chubby from here on out, or you pick up the pieces, get your shit together, and become a smokin’ hot almost-21something by Halloween. Well…. Fleet Foxes always kept their figure, so a sophomore slump was never in the cards. How’s that for a twist ending? Fleet Foxes had some pretty big shoes to fill after their successful selftitled debut album from 2008. Their latest, Helplessness Blues, won’t be too shocking to a long time fan or, let’s be real, a new listener. Fleet Foxes are so happily folksy and interesting enough for anyone who appreciates music but also easy and catchy for, say, someone over 50 to enjoy and bob their head to. They apparently tried to make this album “less poppy, less upbeat” which seems to be the case, but not quite in as depressing of a way as it could’ve turned out. Whether or not they are pleased with this is one thing, but it’s better this way in my book. “Sim Sala Bim” is a personal favorite on the album; a bit on the slower

others

A-

and sadder side then some of the other tracks, their passionate lyrics make you realize that this album is about the blues; “What makes me love you despite the reservations?” But when you ask yourself that question (yet probably in a more black-out-drunk kind of way), is there any acceptable answer you can give yourself? Not really, which is why this song is so amazingly authentic and relatable. Their single “Helplessness Blues” is a near-perfect 5-minute tune that takes you through peaks and valleys of someone trying to figure out what they hell they want to do with themselves. Again with the brilliant lyrics, Robin Peckhold sings, “And I know, I know you keep me on the shelf / I’ll come back to you someday / Soon, myself.” before the song breaks down into the beautiful bridge of ambitious arrangements and pure acoustic gold. Man, I’m so glad Fleet Foxes don’t suck. Perfectly timed and seemingly so down-to-earth, Fleet Foxes is a band with a the potential for becoming a band with eternal staying power. To be able to stay cool, grounded and talented thus far is an amazing feat in itself, and I just hope that they come back just as strong for their next album. But maybe I’m getting ahead of myself… we all know how those chicks from A116 turned out. Sounds Like: Bunnies and deer wearing plaid in the woods. Download: Helplessness Blues, Sim Sala Bim Listen to it When: You’re bird-watching with your cool 85-year-old grandma.

Emmylou Harris – Hard Bargain Steve Earle – I’ll Never Get Out of This World Alive Tab Benoit – Medicine Explosions in the Sky – Take Care, Take Care

Dust Bowl Dance Mumford & Sons

Out Now

Helplessness Blues

International Dance Day 1

energy on stage isn’t contrived, it’s really there. We’re smiling and sweating, and it’s very real. TBS: What’s some music that you like, that no one would guess you like? Autrey: I’m a music lover. I like Gza’s “Liquid Swords,” Dr. Octagon, Odd Future, a lot of hip-hop. A lot of people might assume a band making this loud music wouldn’t like that stuff, we do. TBS: What’s your go-to drink? Autrey: I’ll have whatever everyone else is having. It’s about camaraderie and joining in the fun. TBS: If you could have any mythical creature as a pet, what would it be? Autrey: The pentacorn. It’s a unicorn with a pentagram on its forehead instead of a horn.

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Augustana – Augustana Bootsy Collins – The Funk Capitol of the World Florence + The Machine – Lungs Bowling for Soup – Fishin’ for Woos

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Answers >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> 1. Major League Baseball 2. Skull and Bones 3. Comic Books 4. Sideways

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