Illinois - 8/18/11 by The Black Sheep

Volume 19, Issue 1 - Welcome Back/Quad Day Issue - 8/18/11 - 8/24/11

The

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Black Sheep 

“A College Newspaper That’s Actually About College”

How To: Be a Senior if Zombie John Hughes Were Around Carles Barkley wrote this John Hughes is dead, and there's nothing you can do about it - no matter how many stars and wishing wells you wish upon. He's never coming back, SO JUST GIVE UP ALREADY! LIFE ISN'T A JOHN HUGHES MOVIE AFTER ALL! But what if it were? What if the great Hughes were to rise from the dead just to come visit the senior class at our university? How would he want us all to live our senior years? Zombie Hughes would want us to have the best time ever and learn a valuable life lesson every two hours. Go to class? As if Zombie Hughes would have us attend class! What kinds of life lessons can I learn sitting in a lecture hall? None, especially when Ben Stein is stuck repeating “Bueller” for the first thirty-five minutes of class. No, our time would be better spent taking the day off to go peruse Champaign. Getting a table for lunch at Biaggis would be as simple as a call from a payphone to persuade the hostess you're Big Mike, the Furniture King of Champaign. Zombie John Hughes would love for us to hijack the nearest parade, which would be the Homecoming Parade - so go ahead and snag White Ho's karaoke machine, set it to "Twist and Shout", and hop on the first float you can see to get the whole city riled up! Next he’d suggest we go ahead and buzz on over to the Krannert Art Museum, hang up a poster of A Sunday Afternoon on the Island of La Grande Jatte and just stare at it for what may feel like hours. There’s something mesmerizing about that little girl. Day bow, bow…Chch-chicka-chickahhhhh. If you’re a virgin like myself and want to gain the respect of your peers without having to go through the horror of actually sleeping with a woman, Zombie Hughes has just the right fix for you. He’ll simply have you take a woman into a parked car

Other stuff

Inside

05: how to: be a freshmen

Whether your balls are old, or just dropped, here’s how to keep it 18.

out on E-14 and explain to her your exceedingly pathetic story and convince her to give you a pair of her panties to show off to your friends like a former high school failed quarterback shows off his state trophy to the dancers at The Kat Pole. Just make sure that crazy stereotypical Asian foreign exchange student isn’t around to ruin the moment! That crazy Long Duk Dong. Or, if you’re a genius virgin, you could just make some rohypnol to get laid! Haha, no just kidding – rape is never funny, but building your own perfect woman can be! She blinded me with science? Blinded you with hotness more like. This couldn’t be any easier. Just follow Zombie John Hughes down to the Noyse Laboratory’s secret chambers (which are actually located on the rooftop – not so secret anymore), and have him show you how to make a lady. Not in a sexual way of course – I mean that he’s the one who originally came up with the formula, so it shouldn’t be too much trouble for him, as long as his zombie brain is still fairly intact. Don’t think I’ve forgotten about you, ladies; you’re down to have a good time too, right? Then strap on your hooker heels and head on over to a corner anywhere north of Green Street, you pretty lady. After just a short time turning tricks, you’re bound to find a really handsome businessman who just wants to pick up a hooker to get directions. And then, you know what, he’ll be all like “Well, you might as well come upstairs or something,” and you’re in. Before you know it, he’ll be buying you pretty dresses and snapping velvet necklace cases on your fingers. Of course his balding snarky friend who looks like George from Seinfeld will try to rape you, but it’s all in the line of duty. To seal the deal with your handsome fella, hide out in your fifth story apartment and act like you’re going to move away, so your height-

07: how to: stroke your pole in the dorms

After a hard day of classes, you just need a release, man.

Continued on Page 19...

21: the black sheep interviews:

Peter, Bjorn and John!

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Table of

Page 6

contents

How To: Enjoy the Freshman 15 There’s more of you to love, until you die from diabetes.

8 9

Page 9

How To: Drink the Suds

Open your mouth and close your eyes, relax your throat and…sorry, we’re getting kinda turned on.

How To: Choose the Right Friendship Bracelet A friendship

bracelet can do a million things a simple fist bump can’t.

Page 10

How To: Choose the Right Breast Accessory

May we suggest our hands?

Pages 11 - 13 The World Famous Bar Grid!

Get your drink on every day of the week, fo' real cheap.

Page 16

Page 8

How To: Avoid Drinking Tickets: You could just not

drink, but that’s like avoiding skin cancer by living in a cave.

Page 17

How To: Win Over Your RA:

If you invite him to a kegger in your room, that’s a start.

Page 18

communal bathrooms!

specials.

How To: Be a Pro Pooper in Top 10: Ways to Save Money the Dorms: Time to own those in College: Duh, only drink the

16 18

Page 22

How To: Confuse a Freshman Easy, just show them a vagina.

Meet The Staff! Managing Editor Carly Kamp copy Editor Michael Benson Advertising Manager Michelle Lenzen distribution Manager Mike Zevin Contributing Writers John Estep John McCombs Phil Azar Ken Halvachs Mandy Cleves Grace Haka Hannah Johnson Michelle Lenzen Michael Byrnes Corey Gusstini Caitlin Chrzanowski

pr manager Anastasia Guletski Abbie Welch photographer Caitlin Chrzanowski campus director Brendan Bonham owner Atish Doshi Founders Atish Doshi & Derek Chin Questions?

info@theblacksheeponline.com Advertising?

ads@theblacksheeponline.com Hate Us? lame@theblacksheeponline.com

Disclaimer The Booze News & The Black Sheep in no way promotes, encourages or supports binge drinking, and/or under-age drinking. This newspaper is designed for entertainment purposes only and does not recommend attempting anything printed in this publication. Please drink...responsibly and legally. Owned & Operated By: Black Card Media, LLC P.O. Box 221385 Chicago, IL 60622 217.390.1747

Page four

Pic

of the

Week!

think your caption is good enough for page four? Prove it: caption@theblacksheeponline.com

Letter from the editor Dear My Loyal Minions, Welcome back to school, turds! Or welcome TO school, freshturds. For those of you who have never read The Black Sheep before, I’m sorry, but it's all downhill from here. This paper prides itself on its debauchery and criminal record. We’re the guy in the leather jacket, covered in tattoos (our bodies – not the jacket) that your mom would never want to see you with, so you give us your virginity on the hood of your dad’s PT Cruiser. But unlike any other butthole covered in tattoos, wearing a leather jacket, taking himself way too seriously, we’re not going to suddenly turn on you and take your sister to the prom instead of you just to get under your skin and teach you a lesson for trusting us. No, we would never do that. No matter how hot your sister is. We’re not afraid to be seen wearing matching embroidered sweaters and pajama jeans with you in public. We’re here for you. We’re here to keep you up to date on the latest news and booze on campus. To let you know the hot new way to roll a joint. To keep you up to date on all the freshest sex positions. Your parents may have sent you to college to get an education and prepare you for the working world, but let’s be serious – you came to college to get laid and prepare yourself for the working world by unleashing every last scrap of your youth—to lay bare your naughtiest ideas— on this campus. If you land yourself in jail, we’ll have articles to tell you how to pay that bail and your lawyer without raising suspicions from your parents. When your ex-boyfriend is flirting with your new best friend in your sorority, we’ll have the articles teaching you how to properly sabotage the gruesome twosome without drawing any attention to yourself. The Daily Illini can go on writing about the student elections and on-goings of President Hogan, but we’re gonna go ahead and keep writing about the stuff that actually applies to your life. So cheers to you and welcome to the best campus in the world. I just hope you all make it out alive.

Come Join the Team! We're looking to bring on some writers, marketers, and groupies. Think you got what it takes? Email us at jobs@ theblacksheeponline.com

That's the best D.U.I. we'v e ever seen! SEND IN YOUR PARTY PICTURES pics@theblacksheeponline.com or upload them at theblacksheeponline.com

THE WEEKLY HYPOTHETICAL

QUESTION: If you could have any super power you wanted for a year at the cost of losing your non-dominant hand, would you do it? Which super power would you choose? Send your answer to hypo@theblacksheeponline.com, or reply on Twitter (@TheBlackSheep99) or Facebook.

Peace, sex and whiskey. Your Fearless Editor, Carly Kamp

! s m a r g a n A y x Se

Can you guess these hotties?

Send your answers to celebs@theblacksheeponline.com The first 5 right answers win prizes!

Word of the week Abruptuous:

Dreary Nylons

Derby Rock Elk On

Submit your own word! word@theblacksheeponline.com

Definition: Suddenly becoming very attractive for no specific reason. "I don’t know if Karen got a new haircut or what, but she’s abruptuous."

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How To: Be a Freshman

lenz wrote this with that crisp, orange Illinois tee you got from Aunt Peggy for graduation? Ladies, feel free to rock the new threads you got on your “COLLEGE!” shopping spree. Make sure also to wake up extra early to hit the showers and bedazzle your hair so you can be “Glamour Girl Ready4Class.”

Aww yeah, happy new school year everybody! And you know what that means... Freshmen are in season, ladies and gents! Such a rare, innocent breed. Precious, really. Good news for all the youngbloods reading this right now: contrary to high school, us upperclassman do not actually hate you. Phew. Here’s the deal, we’re all just extremely jealous of your youth and the fact that you have four full college years ahead of you. So let’s all take a moment and remember how to be a freshman again, shall we? First day of class attire: Spend hours of your time conjuring up the perfect outfit for the first day of classes. Something casual that’s not trying too hard but says you were really cool in high school. Lads, let’s see those blinding-white new kicks; maybe even pair them

Lanyards on your neck, braces on your grill: Lanyards: the best invention for freshman since the 22. You need easy I-card access to scan into the Ikenberry, so if you know what’s good for you, you’ll wear that sucker around your neck. As an added bonus lanyards come in a variety of different styles, which means they double as a fashion statement and conversation starter! Are you more of the straight-edge navy “University of Illinois” type? Or perhaps a “College of Business” kid? Either way, when meeting new college friends, be sure to judge them based on their style of lanyard. As for other bling, don’t be ashamed if you are still rocking the oral gear, another budding sign of youth. We like that. Go ahead; you walk in that bike lane: Walking to classes through the scenic quad is such an awesome changeup from high school hallways. Yeah, there are bike paths in college, but just you don’t worry about those. Sometimes it’s necessary to take the path less traveled, because if freshman don’t walk on the bike lanes, who will? Most of the riders have a serious “I’M-ON-A-BIKE, BETCH” attitude anyways, so tossing a peddy in their path is a great way to keep them in check.

$3 YOU CALL ITS

every damn day of the week

“I love college! U of I”: AKA the title of your first, second, and third Facebook album. College fun is way more bomb than the hometown baby shit you experienced after homecoming, little miss cheer girl. So right on, you tell the world how much you love your school. Own it, sister! Make sure you get as many fratty pictures of you and those U of I hotties as possible. After all, everyone knows it’s a competition to prove your school is way more fun than those other jank-ass universities your friends chose to go to. Spotted: Baginas on the dance floor #jackpot: Dancing was always fun. But dancing at college bars? AYO! Taking it up a notch! It’s like Zero Gravity, except significantly less Polish. Dream city, right? Right. So feel free to wear something super-sultry ladies, probably an article of clothing that shows maximum leg and potential butt cheek. And when you’re grinding up on that sesssi bro, don’t worry about adjusting your clothing just Let. It. Ride. Girl. The boy backing it up in your rear doesn’t really mind, so what if you have a nip slip or a peek-a-boo-is-my-bagina-out moment. And for the onlookers, talk about the perks of being a wallflower. Solid entertainment you didn’t even have to use your ‘rents password to see. Chicka-chicka yea. There you have it, folks. Upperclassmen, I hope you bask in the nostalgia that is that glowing bagina out on the dance floor. And freshman, I hope you enjoy these fleeting moments while they last. And by fleeting moments, I’m referring to your high school body that still screams “statutory” – the most fleeting of all.

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“Ohhhh Yeaaaaaa, baby!” “Yea, you like that?” “Uh-huh!” “What do you want to do to me?” “Can I eat chocolate pudding out of the folds in your stomach?” “I thought you’d never ask!” slurrrrp So, you haven’t had this conversation before? Well, don’t you dare pout that skinny little lip, incoming freshman, because it’s not too late! You might hear those annoying, old people run their tongues about some mythical and life-ruining epidemic called the “freshman-fifteen,” but they have NO idea. In the past, people didn’t like it when their high school metabolism stopped and all of a sudden their perfect bodies became flubbery chicken fingerfueled folds of fat. Lucky for the class of 2015, however, fat is the new black! Next time you think about cutting back calories, not eating that last slice of turtle sundae pie, or going for a “jog,” think again! The freshman fifteen shouldn’t be a worry; it should be a goal! Being a little chunky might just be the best thing that has ever happened to you. Consider these plump possibilities:

his iPod gets out of your way, being fat is probably the only way you’ll be able to accomplish that. Not having to go to the gym. It’s so annoying to have to look at those Big Ten athletes with their perfectlysculpted abs and calves that you want to lick maple syrup off of. That’s why it’s better for your self esteem if you stay in bed all day, go to class every once and a while, eat Apple Jacks, and read Harry Potter. Bigger tits! Unless you’re that girl with assets so large that you complain about lower back pain and nipples the size of Justin Bieber’s ego, then I’m thinking you won’t be crabby when a lot of your freshman weight goes straight to the boobs. You know that guy you’re crushing on that says he’s only into anorexic girls with the ass of a seven-year-old and a snarky personality? Pshyea, when he sees your new fat-knockers, he won’t be anything but smitten. Or horny. Finally, all that eating will have paid off, and he will like you! And that’s why you’re at college right? And this goes for guys too! All of you high school tri-athletes are going to be so burned out from being fit that even intramurals will make you gag up a jock strap. It’s almost perfect though; since you’ll gain so much weight you’ll probably get some nice moobies, which will give you something to squeeze when you’re lonely at night.

"i’m thinking you won’t be crabby when a lot of your freshman weight goes straight to the boobs."

You get to buy a whole new wardrobe! Putting on a solid 20 pounds could put you up a few fitted pant-suit sizes, which is why you will definitely get more clothes than usual during your first holiday season home from school. Who cares if you have to start shopping in the maternity section? New shit is awesome! When you’re fat, people tend to leave you alone and get out of your way. All I’m saying is, if you want to be assertive on the quad and make sure that Dago douche bag listening to Limp Bizkit on

Seriously though. Stop dieting, it’s dumb. You’re going to be old, fat, hairy, and ugly eventually, so why not just start now? People take you more seriously when you’re bigger than them. And in all honesty, I don’t want to look at your pathetic self unless you have some nice squeezable bazongas for me to day dream about whilst taking a nap on.

2011 po

Grace of Spades wrote this

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Beer Ex ft

How To: Enjoy Your Freshman 15

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How to: Stroke Your Pole in the Dorms John McHoneyCombs wrote this

Having your first roommate in the dorms is a very important part of life. It teaches you essential life skills such as dishonesty, sneakiness, and passive-aggressive hatred. There will be loads of opportunities to take advantage of your new friend and his care packages from home, but you’ll soon find his presence hindering to your most important pastime in college: wanking it. You might be lucky enough to have that roommate who leaves the room for days at a time and goes home every weekend (like a bitch), but some of you will be stuck with the guy who never leaves because he plays video games all day or is taking 18 hours of engineering classes. Your initial solution to this predicament is to try and flog your log in the bathroom, but if you’ve ever spent more than two seconds in a dorm bathroom you already know it’s impossible to get Johnson out of his shell long enough to rub one out. If you can keep it up while the guy in the stall next to you is shitting out what used to be beef stroganoff and a bro is singing Katy Perry in the shower, well then more power to you my friend. Having to quit mid-jerk because of an unwelcome guest showing up is perhaps the most frustrating thing a man can experience. You’ll sit at your computer awkwardly, probably in pain from having gotten your cock caught in the zipper of your pants when your roommate rushed in, staring your roommate down with seething hatred. There are a few things you can do to make sure you keep from getting blue balled by that lifeless bastard who just sits at his desk all day. The first step you can take in insuring there’s plenty of time to beat your meat is posting your class schedule on your wall for your roommate to see and advising he do the same. This is an unspoken understanding between the two of you that while you’re in Spanish 101, it’s safe for him to whip out the ole’

pecker and get to work. Also, lock your door when he leaves so when he inevitably comes back way earlier than expected, it will at least buy you a few precious seconds to cover your boner with your shirt before he walks in. You also will want to position your desk facing the door so he can’t see your screen and Shave That Nappy Thing 9 immediately when he walks into the room. Always wait at least ten minutes after he leaves to do anything. Most freshmen, having never lived on their own before, are idiots and they will leave something in their room and then immediately return ten seconds later to retrieve it. This process will repeat itself at least five times, every day. Some of you may try the extremely risky in-the-room wank while your roommate is asleep. You can try the old, “in your bed, under the covers” method, but after years of masturbation evolution this is like going back to listening to music on a Walkman. If you aren’t feeling inclined to try and relive your junior high years, then your only solution is to do it at your computer. While going for the stealthy jerk isi high risk/high reward, I would not recommend you try this method. Not only are you going to have to watch your porn on mute, but you'll be so paranoid he’ll wake up that you will end up watching him more than the smut on your computer. Have fun explaining why you were touching your junk while you were watching him sleep. Well, I hope this helps with all your future wanking endeavors. Enjoy, and remember to clean up afterwards! [Editor’s Note: I feel very blessed that I, as a woman, have never had to deal with such a dilemma before. Since everyone knows that women just masturbate in front of each other and even jump in for the fun to help a sister out sometimes. How else could we feel comfortable pillow fighting and braiding one another’s hair?]

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How to Choose the Right Friendship Bracelet Corey Guastini wrote this When you come to college, you meet a lot of new guys. Some want a wing man to pick up the bitches, some want a workout buddy to get rippling, gleaming muscles with and some may even want a dudemeister to confide in. All of these are possibilities, but there is one thing you know any guy will want, and that’s a well-designed friendship bracelet he can show off to passerbys and stare at as he lies in bed at night. In order to construct the perfect bracelet to lock in a lifetime of long nights and fun crafts, here are some necessary components to consider. Color: Make it red if you want a spicy friendship filled with margaritas, sombreros, and salsa dancing under a full moon. Orange if you want to carve pumpkins, stuff scarecrows, and take haunted hayrides under a full moon. Green if you want a sporty friendship full of touch football, cricket, and camping by the fire under a full moon. Blue if you want a relaxing friendship of smooth jazz, fine wines, and skinny dipping under a full moon. Purple if you want indelible times with Barney and Grimace while tending to your plum trees under a full moon. Yellow if you want a fun in the sun friendship with paddle boats, shirtless convertible rides, and sunbathing under a full moon. Material: Leather if you’re yearning for cowboy adventures wearing matching spurs in saloons throughout the untamed west. Cotton represents your undying love and admiration of Eli Whitney and desire to get crazy on cotton gin. Synthetic blend if you’re hoping to have a fake friendship filled with back stabbing and lies. Your hair if you’re mentally disturbed. Engravings (any of these are fantastic ideas): The date you met. Your initials inside of a heart. “Never leave me.” “WWJD.” “You’re beautiful when you sleep.” “They don’t make ‘em like you back home.” “You may be older in years, but our souls are the same age.”

How to give the bracelet: The design doesn’t mean shit if you don’t present the bracelet to your new friend in the most extravagant way possible. Grab a six pack, throw on some camouflage, hop on an ATV with your guns ablazin’ and shoot some deer. After that, head on over to the strip club for some pants-busting erections, then visit the local Best Buy, look at the LCD TVs and take turns telling each other how sharp the picture looks. Finally, end your magically perfect day with a drive to the fanciest restaurant you know. Once you arrive at the Olive Garden, lead him to a sequestered booth. Have the waitress hide the bracelet at the bottom of an all-you-can-eat salad bowl. When he uncovers the bracelet beneath the leafy greens, yell out, “Lettuce be friends!” If he starts crying, it’s tears of joy and nothing else. Some men may not appreciate the thought and time put into this endeavor. These are not gentlemen and not worth your time. But, once you find the perfect man, everything will fall into place. There is one caveat: throughout the ordeal make sure you contain your crazy until the guy has accepted the friendship bracelet. At that point, you can finally unleash it, and there will be no turning back for him. Good luck. Once you become a friendship bracelet virtuoso, there will be no limit to the amount of buds you can make.

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How to: Drink the Suds

Phil Azar wrote this

Hey, ‘sup bro? Welcome to the Eta Theta rush party! I’m Chet, but all my friends call me Dennis. Let’s get you a beer, dude! Here you go! Whoa, wait a minute. Did I just see you sip that? You honestly just sipped an ice cold gold top fresh from the cooler?! Do you also kiss girls before you fuck ‘em?! That’s disgusting. Bro, I am going to teach you how to drink beer like a man! Alright, the first drink of your brew has to be a nice long gulp. You just gotta saddle up and ride! And squeeze it too; put a dent in that can. Yeah, really get that beer deep into the back of your throat and put a good grip on it, the brew isn’t gonna come out by itself. I mean, check out this kid over here drinking his beer from a straw. Is he for realz? Yeah, I remember my first beer (actually I don’t cause the first time I drank I put back a whole case by myself. I was 13. I know; it’s chill). Anyways, I should kick this guy’s ass. Hey man! Hey, you suck! Are you pretending that straw is your boyfriend’s… Oh shit, that’s Greg. Ya, Greg was involved in a cliff diving accident over the summer. Low tide. Paralyzed from the neck down. Hey, Greg, you hang in there, bud. We’re rootin’ for ya! Oh, look at these girls. If I can tell you one thing, girls do not know how to drink beer, the nectar of the Gods. Hey girls! Hey, why don’t you, like, put those beers down and, uh, get back in the kitchen! Oh, what's that? I’m an asshole? Well, sorry for partying! Seriously? You dumb girls just threw beer on my new Tap Out shirt? I just ironed that thing. And what a waste of beer. I haven’t been to church in a while, but I’m almost positive that’s against one of the 12 Commandments. Never waste beer like that. You drink every single drop.

Speaking of which, how’s that brew comin’? Yeah, you’re probably feeling a little buzz-sawed. Speaking of which, let’s shotsgun a beer. You know what a shotsgun is? Shotgun? No, it’s called a shotsgun. You’re such a frosh. Hey, everybody, this kid is gonna shotsgun a beer! Shots-gun! Shots-gun! Shots-… come on, bros! No, you get a life, Ross! Well, I guess no one is in the chanting mood. Whatevs, first take your key and poke a hole in the beer like this. Nice hole, dude, that’s totes amateur hour. You’re totally gonna fish hook yourself. Now for the next step you’re gonna… oh, nice bro, you finished that pretty quick. Yeah, my favorite beer would probably be the Miller Rock Ice Chill. Another lesson, beer in bottles is much more legit. Goes down nice and smooth. You know, just get that river goin’ brain freeze style. I just need a bottle opener. What? Easy, rook’, I’m pretty sure I’ve been drinking from before you were born and know for a fact that Bud Light bottles are not twist offs. Hey, Matt, you got a bottle opener? Oh, haha, yeah I’ll go fuck myself after I, uh, screw your mother. Here, man, take this bottle, you seem cool enough. Wait, a minute, is that a keg? Oh, ultra dece! You should do a keg stand! Come on! Keg-stand! Keg-stand! Come on chant guys! Keg-stand! Oh, real funny douche turds. Yeah, like as a joke they sometimes chant ‘Den-nis-Sucks.’ Hey, ass bags, how many times do I need to remind you my name is Chet Earl Cunningham, not Dennis. Chet-Earl-Cun-ning-ham! Chet-Earl… No! No! My name is not ‘meth squirrel cums in ham!’ What? Oh, why am I not drinkin’? I don’t drink, dude. No, I just don’t like drinking alcohol, it’s not responsible. Plus I’m only 20. But, dude, you’re a little bitch if you haven’t finished that first brew yet.

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SHOUT OUTS!

How to: Choose the Right Breast Accessory Dr. Michael Benson wrote this I don’t claim to be an expert on many things. I mostly go about my day not worrying about the world around me. However, when it comes to boobs, I always remain vigilant and devote my fullest attention to the subject(s). With school just around the corner I know the question on everyone’s mind is, “How can the 2011 boobs possibly out-do the great 2010 year?” Well, by taking my advice, this year will be the best year for breasts these hallowed halls have ever seen. The Eternal Question: Implants Vs. Natural Okay, I’m going to say this, and I’m going to say this once: Let my titties go! While breast implants do aid in some areas including shape, symmetry and size, sometimes these factors are just better left to nature. To me, fake boobies seem very cold and remorseless. Yes, on the outside they appear perky and youthful, but where’s the heart? A nice pair of big, natural breasts has a magical quality. I feel like I can share all of my dreams and secrets with them, and they would never tell a soul. You can trust them, flopping around without a care in the world, just trying to make you smile. I like to associate fake breasts with Lou Reed’s solo career, and real boobs with The Velvet Underground. While Lou Reed’s solo stuff is elegant and masterfully crafted, it can never achieve the natural, raw wonder of something like White Light/White Heat. You can’t actively construct that kind of beauty, it just has to happen. Nipple Rings: Friend or Foe? Like many young men of my time, I abandoned childhood and became a man the moment I watched Christina Aguilera’s “Dirrty” music video. And while I can argue on and on about the importance of class over sluttiness until the cows come home, sometimes you just have to cut the sophisto, high-nosed republican crap and celebrate the freedom men and women have to drive metallic spikes through their mammary papillae. Because if you think about it, nothing is more anti-traditional beauty than taking the cold, hard steel of industry and piercing it through one of nature’s greatest gifts. However, sometimes you just have to say, “Screw you!” to the way our ancestors treated their nipples, and start living your own goddamn life. The revolution is nigh; will you be left behind? Boob Tattoo: One Million Eve Fans Can’t Be Wrong If you are deciding whether or not to slap a tattoo on your ta-tas, first you have to keep in mind that your cans are prime real-estate on your body. If you are going to get a generic Chinese symbol or a portrait of your dead cousin Marvin, I would suggest putting those on your legs or back, where they are less likely to be seen by anyone. Boobs are works of art in and of themselves. As such, your choice of tattoo should accentuate the natural beauty of your jugs, not cover them up. I would suggest getting a tattoo of a pair of tits on your tits. That would be meta as hell. Or maybe a sexy saying like, “My tits are expensive.” The choice is yours. Cleavage: How Much Is Right For Me? In life, I try and avoid half-measures as much as possible. Correspondingly, I believe that if you are going to show cleavage, you may as well show a lot. Subtlety is dead in our society. If you want to make an impression, tits or get the fuck out. Your cleavage should be so overbearing that it is almost off-putting and odd. People should think, “She’s hot, but, look how much cleavage she has, something must be wrong with her.” Side Boob: The Devil’s Flesh! Much harder to pull off than normal cleavage, yet ten times as effective. The side boob is often employed as an attentiongetting device in Hollywood. It’s a way of wetting the audience’s boob fancy, yet keeping the sacred nipple tightly under wraps. This is what you should be going for when utilizing this side boob technique. The side boob tells people, “I’m sophisticated, yet I still love a good banging now and then. My boobs are good enough to be seen by everyone, however, they will only be seen by a select few.” The Mystical Underboob: Fact or Fiction? It doesn’t exist, stop searching. ‘Tis a fool’s errand.

Hey Jeremy, remember that one time you thought the “F” in “DTF” stood for Frisbee? Keep asking the girls! -Mike Dear drunk-ass, despite popular belief, mouthing “let’s go upstairs and fuck” is not the best tactic Myles, over under 12 freshmen this year? I'm taking the under, your game's been weak sauce lately. - Jon Neighbors, quit calling the cops on us, sorry we party Karen E. is the only person on campus who requires a leash Caitlyn S. “We don’t get drunk, we get awesome” - Love, the guys of 919 Carly, we heard you robbed a bank...true story? Anthony - If you tell anyone my natural color, I'll kill you. Hannah Nick, this year better not be the same as last year when I moved in and caught you jerking it in my room. Seriously. -Kyle Lenz. I love you. Rhett, stop going on Chatroulette...you've seen like 14 penises this week. - Omar

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SPECIAL NIGHT

Brothers Birthday Bash Friday & Saturday 8/26 & 8/27 $2.50 Miller Lite Bottles It’s Our birthday & YOU get the presents!

Wednesday: (8/24): 312 VIBE NIGHT on WOMPDOWN WEDNESDAY featuring DJ SOLO, POSITIVE VIBR8IONS, WHITE RABBIT and more! North Coast Music Festival ticket giveaways! $5 Mugs available for purchase with $3 refills! $1 Cover

Thursday, Sept 1st WHITE PARTY Wear White! Free White Glowsticks Blacklights - Live DJ $2.50 Anything in the HOUSE!

SUNDAY: Trivia Night! $1 Miller Lite Drafts $1 Miller HL Drafts $2 Bushmills Shots $3 Red Bull & Vodkas

MON: BEARS vs GIANTS 7pm 1/2 Price Appetizers 4-9pm WIN A BEARS JERSEY! $1.50 Fatty Natty Bottles $1.50 Sauza Silver Tequila $2 Cruzan Rum $2 Bud Light Drafts $15 Bud Light Hydrants

THURS 8/18

$1 Wells $2 SoCo Lime Shots $2.50 Jack/SoCo/Tuaca $3 Jumbo Long Islands $4 Miller/Coors Pitchers

THE TWIN CATS with HERBERT WISER BAND

Welcome Back $2.50 ANYTHING IN THE HOUSE! Over 100 Different Liquors and 40 Different Beers.... EVERYTHING is $2.50!

Withershine Live at Midnight! Don't Miss Hot Cops (10pm) and Brief Candles (11pm)

Welcome Back $2.50 Bud Light Bottles $3 SoCo Lime Shots & Drinks $3 Jim Beam Whiskey $3 Svedka Vodka

FRI 8/19

$1 Cherry & “O” Bombs $2 Jäger Bombs $2 Wells $3 Three Olives Mixers $3 Hot Shots $7 ALL Domestic Pitchers

Illini-Town Get-Down with FIFTH WORLD, SAM SINCLAIR and COCO BUTTER KIDS

DJ OLLIE $3 Bud Light 24oz Tallboy Cans $3 Svedka Vodka plus specials on Jameson Irish Whiskey SoCo Lime Shots & Drinks Red Bull VEGAS BOMBS

DJ Kosmo!

$5 Bud Light 40's $3.99 Haus Fries All Day plus specials on: Jager Bombs Jameson Irish Whiskey Absolut Vodka

SAT 8/20

$1 Cherry & “O” Bombs $2 Jäger Bombs $2 Wells $3 Bacardi $3 Hot Shots $7 ALL Domestic Pitchers

FLOW THEORY with WHITE RABBIT, FACTORY SETTINGS and MICKY KARBAL

VJ LUNIKS Mixing Music Videos All Night! specials on: Bud Light Bottles Bacardi Rum Absolut Vodka Jager Bombs

SUN 8/21

$1 Wells $5 Domestic Pitchers & a Sunday Shot Special too!

Early: Los Guapos (on the patio) Late: Alma AfroBeat!

$6.49 Italian Beef & Fries Specials on: Bud & Bud Light Bottles Vegas Bombs Bacardi (All Flavors) UV Vodka (All Flavors)

** CLOSED **

Welcome Back Party Live DJ Spinning All Night!

Trivia Night! $1 Miller Lite Drafts $1 Miller HL Drafts $2 Bushmills Shots $3 Red Bull & Vodkas

$2 ANYTHING in the HOUSE! $3.99 for 10 Firehaus Wings Chargers vs Cowboys 7pm

MON 8/22

$1 Wells $2 Jumbo Long Islands $4 Domestic Pitchers Pub quiz @ 8pm

$1 WILD MONDAYS Live Music! No Cover! $1 Beers and $1 Wells

Bucket Monday! $8 Buckets of Domestic Bottles $4 Cruzan Rum Buckets $2 Pinnacle Whipped Vodka $2 Cruzan Rum Drinks

DJ Belly! $2 Domestic Beers $2 Wells $2 Off All Martinis

BEARS vs GIANTS 7pm 1/2 Price Appetizers 4-9pm WIN A BEARS JERSEY! $1.50 Fatty Natty Bottles $1.50 Sauza Silver Tequila $2 Cruzan Rum $2 Bud Light Drafts $15 Bud Light Hydrants

TUES 8/23

Taco Tuesdays! $3 All You Can Eat Tacos $2 Wells $3 Tall Boys/ Miller Coors/ Tequila Sunrise & Margaritas

THE PIANO MAN Playing all your favorites with $3 Real Long Islands! No Cover!

WINE NIGHT $8 Bottles of Wine $8 Bottles of Champagne $2 Goose Island 312 Bottles $2 UV Vodka (All Flavors) $2 Jim Beam Whiskey

WED 8/24

15 Cent WINGS 9pm -? $1.25 Miller High Life Bottles $1.50 Keystone Light Taps $2 Long Island Iced teas (5 flavors) $2 Jäger Bombs

312 VIBE NIGHT on WOMPDOWN WEDNESDAY featuring DJ SOLO, POSITIVE VIBR8IONS, WHITE RABBIT and more! North Coast Music Festival ticket giveaways! $5 Mugs available for purchase with $3 refills! $1 Cover

SENIOR NIGHT $2 Bud Light Bottles $2 UV Vodka $2 Evan Williams Whiskey $2 Malibu Rum

Kilborn Alley Free Show on the Patio Open Mic Night Inside Stage

Salsa & Tango! Tango from 8-10, Salsa Music All Night Long!

$2.99 Ch. Burger & Chips from 4pm-9pm $2.50 Bacardi Oak & Coke $2.50 Pinnacle Whipped Vodka and $2.50 Wells $6 Sharkbowls $6 Bud Light Pitchers SHOT & MUG NIGHT! $1.50 SHOTS You Keep the New 'Haus Mug! $5 for your first Mug & Draft $2 Refills of Bud Family Drafts $3 of Goose Island 312 Drafts $3 Jack Daniels $2.50 UV Cake Vodka

What Freshman Fifteen?

Grocery store downstairs for healthy snacks, gym inside from when you’ve had a few too many not-so-healthy-snacks.

Oh, we’re just getting started. Amazing Location. Theater Room. Club Room. Two-Story Wireless Atrium Lounge. Bicycle and Scooter Storage. Convenient Grocery Store. Fully-furnished Apartments. Fitness Center. Tanning. 217.239.2310 | burnham310.com | 310 E. Springfield

The Bar Grid Page 2 of 3

Greystar Illinois Management, LLC

Green Street Café 35 E. Green Street DOWNTOWN

SPECIAL NIGHT

THURS 8/18

EVERY DAY: $1 Kamikazes $1.25 High Life Drafts $3 Jager Bombs $5 Pitchers of High Life Live Band & Open Mic Night! $1 Miller Lite Bottles $3 Double Rum Wells

$6 Late Night Food Specials

$3 Strong Islands $4 Double Vodka Wells

FRI 8/19

$6 Late Night Food Specials

SAT 8/20

$3 Wells $4 Top Shelf $4 Double Whisky Wells

SUN 8/21

MON 8/22

$6 Late Night Food Specials

$2 U-Call-It $3 Top Shelf

$6 Late Night Food Specials

$.50 Pizza Slices (8pm to Midnight) $8 Pizza & a Pitcher $4 Pitchers $3 Double Spiced Rum Wells $6 Late Night Food Specials

1/2 Price Hookahs at GSC2

MONDAY: 1/2 Price Apps After 5PM

Kitchen Hours 11am - 9pm Come check out our 1/2 price specials all week

FRI & SAT: $10 Large Pizzas after 10pm

$3 Sangria $3 Sweet Tea Vodka

1/2 Price Burgers $4 Cups of Shots $2 Blue Moons

$3 Fat Tire Drafts $3 Bacardi Flavors

$2 Miller Bottles $3 Dr's Shots $3 Captian & Coke $4 Oh Yeah's

The Perfect Place for the CUBS, SOX, and CARDS GAMES!

$2 Red Headed Sluts $6 Coors Light Pitchers

$10 Large Pizzas after 10pm

$2 Domestic Bottles $3 Dr's Shots $3 Bacardi Drinks $4 Oh Yeah's

The Perfect Place to GETAWAY!

Did you miss our burgers? 1/2 Price All Day $2 Jager Barrels

$10 Large Pizzas after 10pm

$1 12oz Drafts $2 Well Drinks $3 Call Drinks $4 Signature Drink

Come watch all the games! $2.50 Import Bottles

Sunday Funday Free straws...come get your drink on

Come Watch Some Games! $2 Domestics Bottles $2 Wells

1/2 Price Sandwiches $2 Purple Kamikazes Welcome home to MNJ

$1.50 High Life Drafts!

Special Night

Happy Hour $1 off all Appetizers and ½ off all Hookah’s (at GSC2) from 6-8 every day.

Free Pool From Free pool during happy hour!!! 6-8 Daily 35 E. Green Street

$2 Miller Lite and Coors Light Drafts

Wednesday

$3.50 Miller Light and Bud OPEN MIC Night Light 60oz pitchers $2.50 Corona $2 Domestic Bottles $2.50 Jager Bombs $3$3Cherry Strong Islands Bombs $4 ICB’s

$1 Draft Refills, Miller and Bud light $2 Rum and Coke's $3 Rumplemintz $4 Strong Islands

1/2 Price Apps After 5PM $2 Miller Lite and Coors Light Drafts

TUES 8/23

$1 Chicken Strips & $.50 Wings (8pm to Midnight) $2 Tequila Shots $3 Double Vodka Wells $4 Patron $6 Late Night Food Specials

Karaoke Night $2 Domestic Bottles $3 Dbl Vodka/RB $3 Marky Bomb's $4 Peach Long Beaches

$4 Long Island Iced Teas $2 Wells

1/2 Price Burgers $2 Jello Shots 8th Grade Dance Party

1/2 Price Tuesdays 1/2 Price Pool and Miller Lite Drafts ALL DAY LONG and 1/2 Price Large Pizza (after 6pm)

WED 8/24

Karaoke Bomb Night $2.50 Ice Bombs $3 Jager& Vegas Bombs $4 Bacardi& Car Bombs $6 Late Night Food Specials

Open Mic Night $2.50 Corona's $2.50 Jager Bombs $3 Strong Islands $4 Oh Yeah's $4 ICB's

$3 Jack Daniels $3 Bacardi + Red Bulls

1/2 Price Hot Dogs Try any of 16 specialty hot dogs $3 Jager Bombs

$1.50 Domestics $1.75 Wells $2.00 Imports

KAM'S

The Bar Grid Page 3 of 3

Ride the Rail Every Tuesday

WED: LOGO GLASS DAY! $5.00 Pitchers of Hamm's or PBR $2.00 Skyy Vodka Singles $4.00 Wild Turkey Doubles $2.00 Rum Chata Shots $2.00 Burst Shots

Monday Night Lion! $1 U CALL IT $1 Pinnacle Whipped Vodka Shots $2 Red Bull Vodkas $3 Bud Light Pitchers

WEDNESDAY: I Love the 90s with DJ Mingram $2 Import Bottles $3 Jager Bombs

SPECIAL NIGHT

KLUB KAM'S $3.50 UV & BAM $2 Lite Bottles $1 MHL Bottles $3 Revel Stoke

Mustache Night Get your limited edition mustache glass No Cover

$2.00 Specialty Pints $2.00 Specialty Bottles $6.50 Killians and Leine Pitchers $2.25 Jim Beam Singles $4.50 Bacardi and Mailbu Doubles $2.50 Rum Chata Shots $2.50 Dr. McGillicuddy Shots

SHACKER NIGHT $2 Bud Family Bottles $2 UV Vodka $3 SoCo Lime Shots $5 24oz UV Shackers $6 Red Bull Super Shackers

SPIN CITY $2 U-CALL-IT

THURS 8/18

The ABSOLUT Party $3.50 BAM Drinks $2.75 24oz Lite Cans

$2 Miller Light Bottles $4 Double Amaretto $4 Double Malibu No cover

$2.00 Killians and Leine Pints $7.00 Bud, Bud Light, Coor's Light, and Miller Lite Pitchers $4.50 Wild Turkey and Skyy Vodka Doubles $2.50 Rum Chata Shots $2.50 Burst Shots

$1 FATTY NATTY'S! 12oz Natural Light Bottles! $3 Vegas Bombs $3 Svedka Vodka $3 Jim Beam Whiskey

Party at the Best Looking Bar in Town!

FRI 8/19

New Bacardi Oakheart! $2.50 Spiced Rum $2.50 22oz Lite & Coors Lite Drafts Bacardi Girls!

$2 Coors Light $4 Double Whiskey $4 Double Bacardi Drinks No cover

$2.00 Bud, Bud Light, Coor's Light, and Miller Lite Pints $7.00 Killians and Leine Pitchers $4.50 Jim Beam, Bacardi, and Malibu Doubles $2.50 Rum Chata Shots $2.50 Dr. McGillicuddy Shots

$3 Jager Bombs $3 Absolut Vodka $3 Bacardi Rum $3 Bacardi Oak Heart $3 Bud Light Bottles

Dance, Baby Dance Chicago-style DJs and More

SAT 8/20

Bud Bones $2 24oz Drafts $2 Bottles $6 Pitchers

$3 Any Draft $2.50 Coronas

$2.00 Specialty Pints & Bottles $5.50 Bud, Bud Light, Coor's Light, and Miller Lite Pitchers $2.00 Well Singles $4.00 Sobieski Vodka and Sweet Tea Vodka Doubles $2.00 Rum Chata Shots $2.00 Burst Shots

WELCOME BACK PARTY! $2 U CALL IT featuring Wells & Domestic Bottle

WANT TO REALLY IMPRESS THEM? BOOK THE BEST PLACE IN TOWN 359-SOMA (7662)

SUN 8/21

FATTY NATTY PARTY! $1 Bottles GRAB-A-FATTY

Beer Lovers Night $2 Domestic Bottles and Drafts $2.50 Specialty Bottles and Drafts

$1.75 Domestic Pints $2.75 Premium Pints $2.00 Manager's Special $4.00 Wild Turkey and Skyy Vodka Doubles

Monday Night Lion! $1 U CALL IT $1 Pinnacle Whipped Vodka Shots $2 Red Bull Vodkas $3 Bud Light Pitchers

BOOKING PRIVATE PARTIES, EXCHANGES, IMPROMPTUS, AND SEMI-FORMALS NOW... 359-SOMA (7662)

MON 8/22

Ride the Rail No Cover

$6.00 Hamm's Logo Pitcher $4.00 Refills $2.00 Sobieski Vodka Singles $4.00 Well Doubles $2.00 Oldstyle and Schlitz Tall Boys and Natty Fatties $2.00 Rum Chata Shots $2.00 Dr. McGillicuddy Shots

BARN DANCE TUESDAYS! Live DJ Playing Country Music Bring your empty Camelback! $1.50 FATTY NATTY BOTTLES $2 Wild Turkey Whiskey $2 American Honey Lemonades $2 Malibu Rum

CALL NOW! DATES ARE FILLING UP FAST!!! 359-SOMA (7662)

TUES 8/23

School of Beer No Cover

LOGO GLASS DAY! $5.00 Pitchers of Hamm's or PBR $2.00 Skyy Vodka Singles $4.00 Wild Turkey Doubles $2.00 Rum Chata Shots $2.00 Burst Shots

Red Lion HOGWARTS NIGHT $2 BOMB SHOT MENU $2 Butterbeer Pints $6 Butterbeer Pitchers $4 Cruzan Rum Cauldrons

I Love the 90s with DJ Mingram $2 Import Bottles $3 Jager Bombs

WED 8/24

MONDAY: FATTY NATTY PARTY! $1 Bottles GRAB-A-FATTY

COUNTRY NIGHT! $3.50 Double Jim Beam $3.50 Double Pucker $1.50 Lite Drafts Bud Party $1.50 Bud You Call Its Drafts & Bottles $2.50 Bacardi $3.50 Vodka & Bam

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How to: Avoid Drinking (Tickets) Ken Halvachs wrote this By now, most of you have learned how to avoid getting speeding tickets. You fake an emergency, tear up a bit, and — when in doubt— flash your chest (you’d be surprised how often that works for me). But now you’re in college, where the most driving you do is a 1:00AM trip to Taco Bell after experimenting with various herbs and fungi. Now the ticket you are most likely to get slapped with is the one you only get under the age of 21. Fortunately for you, this article is here to guide you in a variety of ways to avoid your $2 Bud Light turning into a $395 drinking ticket. Option 1: Be a Parasite (or a Slut) This option is not the easiest. Well, it isn’t if you are in possession of a penis. The parasite route involves latching onto 21-year-olds in the hopes that if a cop is spotted, you can simply slide your alcoholic beverage over to avoid detection. Hopefully your older friends are champions and will grab the beer and guzzle it down as if nothing ever happened. Now, if you are a female, 21-year-old males will LOVE your presence. In fact, they will likely encourage it by purchasing your drinks. And remember trading sexual favors for booze isn’t prostitution; it’s bartering. Option 2: The Philosopher Approach In the off chance that you have not already heard the story, once upon a time there was a philosophy professor that resembled Willy Wonka and was notorious for doing an extraordinary amount of blow. This professor decided that for his final exam, he’d sit a chair in the center of the room and ask his students to describe, in 400 words or less, why the chair wasn’t real. One student, who realized that he was so hung over he had walked into the wrong final, just scribbled on his test, “What chair?” turned in the exam and walked out. Whether it was because the professor thought the student had come across something particularly profound, or because he was too busy chasing butterflies and dragons to feel like grading papers, he just slapped an A on the test and rolled out. This success story can CLEARLY be applied to the field of underage drinking. When the cop asks you about your beer, simply reply, “What beer?” The cop will either be persuaded that it couldn’t be your beer as you didn’t even know it was there, or they will get so lost in existen-

drinking game:

Stacks

tial thought that he will leave to rent an episode of Cosmos and ponder the meaning of life. Option 3: Quickly Run Away as your Friend Bribes the Cops with Pizza This plan is foolproof. Unfortunately, a lot of things have to be prepped, and there are a lot of factors in play. For one, you have to have friends. Preferably real ones. Your imaginary friend Fred might be great to talk to when you are sitting at home on Sunday nights watching True Blood, but when it comes to bribing an officer of the law, he’s a bit lacking. Your friend also needs to have pizza, which is much more difficult than you’d think. You can’t exactly make a friend hold a box of pizza every time you go out. Plus, bars often don’t allow outside food, and the friend has to be either sober or twenty-one, otherwise he is basically a sacrificial lamb. You know what, new plan: Don’t outrun the cops; just outrun your drunk, underage friend. Feel free to kick, trip, push or stab your friend if you need to slow him down a bit. If he confronts you about it later, just claim you were blacked out. That will totally make it acceptable. Hopefully this “how-to” helps you avoid having to beg your parents for more cash to pay for your delinquency. You should be warned that if any of these options result in your receiving a harsher punishment, being beaten, or getting pregnant, I refuse to be held accountable. However you should let me know, so I can laugh in your face.

recipe for disaster:

Bugle Nachos

Are you willing to bet your laundry money on your quarters skills? If you are, stacks will appeal to you, kinda like that four-toothed hottie you stalk at the laundromat.

Bugles, the highly addictive salty treat, are a versatile snack. Much like a blank canvas, Bugles can be dressed up in lovely ways. Here is one of those wonderful ways.

Number of Players: At least two. What You Need: A bunch of quarters and some beers. Intoxication Level: That pre-teen’s gonna look stacked.

What You’ll Need: Nacho Cheese Bugles, queso, shredded cheese, ground beef. Cook Time: About 15 minutes Fatty Factor: 100% of your recommended daily sodium intake is an understatement.

How to Play: -Stacks is played on a standard table, have all players sit around the table. -Place one quarter in the center of the table. -Each player takes turns attempting to bounce another quarter so it lands on top of the quarter in the middle of the table. -If a quarter stops and is touching the center quarter, the player doesn’t have to drink. Stack the touching quarter on top of the middle quarter. -The game continues in this manner. If a player misses the quarter, they must drink. If the player’s quarter ends up touching the quarter (or stack of quarters), place it on top. -As the stack grows, the game becomes more difficult. -If the stack falls, the player causing it must take one drink for every quarter in the stack. The Game Ends When: The group decides to put the quarters towards a Taco Bell feast.

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Let’s Get Baked: - Cook up the ground beef on the stove top. Add in some delicious spices. - Warm up some queso in the microwave, but it only has to be lukewarm. - With a spoon, fill each Bugle with queso. Put them on a plate like nachos. - Add the ground beef on top of the Bugles. Sprinkle with shredded cheese, then pop it in the microwave to melt the cheese, about 45 seconds. - Of course, you can add any amount of nacho accessories; green onions, black olives, jalapenos, salsa, guacamole, sour cream… mmmm. You can always make double or triple layer nachos, depending on how patient you are with filling the Bugles precisely with queso. Also try dipping the Bugles into the queso. This way, you’ll get most of the queso on your fingers, which you can then decadently lick off.

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How To: Win Over Your R.A. john estep wrote this Making friends in college is easy. You can be ugly, stupid, highly contagious, or even a vegetarian, and making a dorm room floor full of friends is still as easy as having a few beers to offer. Or a vagina. If you have both congratulations, you’re already ahead of the curve. But there is one person that no freshman can easily win over. He is a person to be respected, admired, and feared. That person is your R.A. I’m kidding, of course. The average R.A. commands about as much respect as a grown man who regularly spends time at playgrounds. In cat make-up. If you find yourself at a horrible party and somebody tells you they are an R.A. you should leave right away because you aren’t at a party, you’re in an R.A.’s dorm room. But regardless of how I feel about them as human beings, the fact remains that if there is any one person that would be beneficial to befriend, that person is Dog the Bounty Hunter. Wait, no, your R.A. Of course, before you can start the schmoozing process you first need to figure out what, or, more aptly, who you’re dealing with. I’ve decided there are two types of R.A.s: the cool R.A. and the “cool” R.A. The cool R.A. is the guy who isn’t proud of what he is. These are the people who begrudgingly sacrificed a slice of their dignity to help themselves pay for room and board without having to sell a major organ. They won’t plan mindless events for your floor to participate in, and they wouldn’t be caught dead holding any sort of educational seminar. They just mind their own business and let you attend to yours. With these types of R.A.s you don’t have to worry about winning them over. In fact, they only way to become friends with them is to never (EVER) actively attempt to become friends with them. They are the holy grail of R.A.s. If you get one, congratulations. And then there are the “cool” R.A.s. These are the guys who like to throw around phrases like “ice-breaker” at their floor’s orientation meeting. But as much of a pain

in the ass these guys can be, it’s still important to stay on their good side, because even though he’ll say something along the lines of “I’m okay with you ‘having a good time’ here,” he’ll still be in the hallway late at night pressing his ear up against your door with one hand on his write-up sheets and the other hand firmly clutching a three and a half inch boner. To win this guy over you need to do two things. 1) Lie low for the first couple weeks. This isn’t hard, just go drink free beer at [insert frat here], because if frats are good for anything it’s free beer. 2) Act interested in your R.A.’s life. Say things like “that’s cool” and “right on” when he talks at your face about his/her life. Validation is the name of the game. If you can make your R.A. think you’re friends, even though every time he turns around you’re double fisting middle fingers at the back of his head, then you’re performing Step 2 correctly. The main thing, though, is this: don’t worry too much. If you’re freaked out about getting in trouble then you aren’t properly ‘college-ing.’ R.A.s are tools. Full boxes of tools, even. And if you let them get in your head, they win. A fun rule of thumb is this: any time you think you’re about to get in trouble, shotgun a beer. You can’t pour it out if it’s in your stomach already! Suck on THAT one, Resident Assholes.

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TOP TEN

How To: Save Your Money

10. Drop Out: The easiest way to fix a problem is to simply eliminate it. Leaving school is going to save you a shit-ton of money each year, and just imagine the money you would make working in this economy, you could retire at a ripe 87! You know what? Forget the rest of these steps; I’m getting a job at Chipotle. 9. Become a Mooch: In order to become a mooch you have to become the friend that invites themselves out to dinner only to realize they’re sans-wallet when the bill comes. I would recommend that you either have a lot of friends to scam or that you have a damn good personality to make up for your scheming ways. Either way, you don’t have to pick up the tab and you’re not stuck eating Ramen noodles.

How To: Be a Pro Pooper in the Dorms Cleves wrote this The moment I realized that I was officially a college student wasn’t during my first big exam, it wasn’t while giving my first public hand job [Editor’s Note: nothing beats a good pub job], and it wasn’t even when I had my first pregnancy scare. It was the first time that I had to take a poop in the dorms. And that was only about thirty minutes after I moved in. You can imagine the emotional - and physical - toll this put on my body. My parents had just taken off, and I was left alone to conquer and destroy the public bathrooms. I mean, new students and their parents were everywhere! What would they think of me? Would they consider me classless for pooping on the first night? My butthole clenched at the prospect of it all. I bet that’s how all you freshmen feel right now, reading this, not having pooped for days because of your overwhelming fear of shitting in the dorm bathrooms. Your system is probably so backed up that a mere sneeze will send fecal matter flying out of your ears. But now, you can finally feel relieved, because I have the answer to all of your poopin’ problems. Fear not, my constipated friends, because becoming a pooping professional is easier than you’d think! Poop at odd hours: Most people can’t just decide to take a crap whenever the heck they feel like it. For most of us, it’s a sneak attack, like your parents walking in on you masturbating. However, there are a select few freaks out there that can somehow hold their bowels together until just the right moment. If you’re one of those people, set the alarm for 4:00AM and do the deed while everyone else is sleeping. There might be a few stragglers in the bathroom, but they’re most likely drunk/ high/sleepwalking and have no idea what’s going on anyway. Now you can sit back, relax, and drop some quality deuces in peace.

8. Wear Hand-Me-Downs: Instead of going out shopping for new clothes, steal your parents’, friends’, siblings’, or strangers’ available apparels. Not only will you be saving a ton of money on brand new clothing, but also you’ll have the added bonus of having nothing that fits right. You’re a regular, old Goldilocks. 7. Dine-N-Dash: Food is a luxury that is usually one of the first things to be taken off the table when saving money, but that doesn’t have to be the caseYou should still be able to eat whatever you want, so keep going out to dinner. When the check hits the table, make like a banana and mad dash for the door. 6. Live Out of Your Car: Apartments on campus are expensive as all hell. Add the utilities and you’re shit out of luck – and cash! Skip the whole apartment nonsense and live out of your car. You won’t have to pay any bills except for your gas. Plus, the benefits don’t stop there. Living out of your car means you never have to walk home from a drunken night on Green St. again. You can just park the car right near your bar of choice, and you’ve left yourself a two step stumble to get back there at the end of the night. The best part is not worrying about drunk driving, because you don’t have anywhere to drive to. 5. Dumpster Dive: Why pay for furniture when you could just rummage through a dumpster behind a frat house? You could find a nice couch that would have just a couple stains that only black light could reveal. Who knows, you may find some food, clothes, or even a new pet.

Blame it on someone else: Pooping at odd hours is a little extreme, and it’s definitely not for everyone. But you know what is for everyone? Blaming everything on someone else! If you end up eating one too many fajitas in the cafeteria and release a real toilet wrecker, stinking up the entire floor, you just blame the whole ordeal on another person. Preferably the quiet one on the floor: they’re more vulnerable and less likely to try and defend themselves.

4. Get an Eating Disorder: Forcing yourself to not eat is going to lower your weight, while keeping your wallet full. You have to remember though that by eating disorder we mean anorexia, not bulimia. Binging and purging is a waste of money. We’re trying to save money, not get a spot on America’s Next Top Model: Cycle 28.

Be crafty with various devices: Hand dryers are a chronic potty-shy person’s best friend. One of the most devastating moments in life is when you hear that “ker-plunk”, and you know everyone else in the bathroom heard it too. Then you have to do the walk of shame out of the stall – the worst. When you feel a poop a-brewin’, you turn on the hand dryer before you go in. They’re pretty loud, and actually last a decently long time if you play your poop cards right. Or, you can bring your hair dryer in the bathroom and leave that on, but that’s a little more obvious. You’re trying to be sly here, people.

3. Hide Your Money: Take what little money you do have and put it somewhere that your dumbass will never find. You can’t spend what you can’t find. The better you hide it, the longer you will have it. You may be worried that you’ll never find it again, but that’s why we move out in May, to find all the shit we lost during the year.

You can also not give a shit: I remember my high school biology teacher reading us a children’s book called Everybody Poops. It was weird at the time, but now I realize that she read us this book not because she was trying to give an easy lesson on human functions, but because she wanted to prepare us for college. Hey, kids, everybody poops! Yes, everybody, even good-looking people. And trust me, come two to three months from now, nobody will care that you just clogged the toilet in the handicapped stall. And no one will think it’s weird when they see you carrying Febreeze and a box of matches to the bathroom. So don’t be afraid to unleash some dragons while you’re using the good ole’ public bathrooms. In fact, it will soon turn into a bonding conversation between you and your floormates. Now that you don’t have the comfort of sitting on your own throne, the same throne you’ve been pooping on since before you were able to control your own bowel movements, you’re going to have to adjust your bum to some new sets of porcelain. Well, I’m pretty sure the toilets in the dorms are made out of plexi-glass, but that’s not the point, dammit. Hopefully this makes you realize that public poops are actually pretty easy to master. Happy pooping, everyone!

2. Find a Sugar Daddy/ Momma: The most fun, creepiest idea. The best way to find a potential mate is to go to class and hit up your professor, because we all know they’re making the big bucks. Make yourself known to your professor and get in good with them. Invite them out for coffee and just let the relationship grow until you feel close enough to reveal that you are looking for an elderly companion to take your financial burden off your shoulders in exchange for a little ‘something something’ during their office hours. 1. Lower Your Freaking Standards: The most obvious way to save money is by not spending as much. Just cut back, it’s that simple. Instead of buying a North Face, buy a Columbia for less than half the price. Instead of paying a girl hundreds of dollars to have sex with you, buy a bottle of lotion and some Kleenex.

Hannah Johnson wrote this

continued from cover story... phobic millionaire will have to climb up that rickety old fire escape you’ve been bothering your landlord for years to replace, but Lord knows the landlord much to invested in his warlock character in his guild to get around to the bare minimum maintenance of your building. So, here comes Mr., Right up a rickety flight, he’ll hand you a bouquet of flowers and whisk you away to your life of bliss and piano sex. What’s that, Zombie Hughes? You didn’t have anything to do with Pretty Woman? At all? Are you sure? Well, it’s still a great movie isn’t it? Geeze. Either way, all of these shenanigans are certain to get you thrown in detention. COLLEGE DETENTION. Way so super serious. Have no fear though, ‘cause you’ve still got Zombie John Hughes on your side, and he’s not about to sit through no boring detention. No, he came packing. Packing a bowl that is. So go on and toke up with Hughes and feel free to get frisky with the princess who’s locked up with you guys – at least she’s not the one on her period like that crazy basket case. Once you bust out of detention -- there’s really only so much pot in the world to make two hours of detention bearable-- you’re gonna have to head back to your apartment, because the Dean of your college is pissed. And if Zombie John Hughes has taught me anything, it’s that people who are pissed are definitely going to break into your home – especially if they’re your principal or want to rob you. What you’ve got to do now is crazy booby-trap your apartment. Keep a case of Keystone at the top of your propped open door like a bucket of water, so that when President Hogan opens the door a whole case falls on his head instead of some wimpy water! While you’re at it, go check on your creepy neighbor who is always super crabby, because he’s actually very nice and not at all a sex offender. Set up other booby-traps around your apartment involving super glue, down feathers, marbles, and tarantulas. What a crazy trip you have had. Such a fulfilling experience that would bring a tear to even Zombie John Hughes’s eyes if his tear ducts weren’t already decayed and gone by now. So enjoy your senior year my, fellow seniorians. And remember, your senior year is going to go by really fast, if you don’t stop and look around once in a while you could miss it.

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The Black Sheep Interviews: John (but not Peter or Bjorn) Like that IKEA where you bought your scummy dorm futon, Swedish indie rockers Peter Bjorn and John are pretty damn big, and they’re all over America. The trio is kicking off their All You Can Eat tour in Chicago (where they’ll be playing four shows between August 24th and August 29th), with dates across the nation until they wrap up in San Francisco on October 8th. Drummer John Eriksson was kind enough to let us interview him. What a handsome gentleman. The Black Sheep: How did having a hit like "Young Folks" change your approach to writing songs for Gimme Some? John: I think we’re 50% "screw it" and 50% "let’s not screw it up." Having a hit in the genre of "indie-pop"—or whatever we are—could be a bit like if the most popular dish at a steakhouse was fish, in other words, "confusing." For us "the hit" works like a carrot on a stick, "Young Folks" has a life of its own and that is what you want to happen to all of the songs you write. We wanna make evergreens, classic fucking pop songs that will last forever, and we try to do that all the time. Sometimes we fail, of course, but on Gimme Some we think that there are some pretty decent ones, for sure.

CD REVIEW

Out Now

JAY Z / Kanye West Watch the Throne

C+

what's the big deal about a throne, anyway? Guys, life just isn’t fair sometimes. While some of us are begging our parents for new North Faces (that vomit smell just never really goes away), others are wistfully requesting a stainless steel mini-fridge and a bitchin’ new TV. You may glare at these people as they move into your dorm or apartment complex, hating how new their shoes look and how carefree they are. But later that night, when that mini-fridge is hosting a bunch of cold, free booze and that TV is pumping out some quality music videos, you realize that you really wouldn’t mind being friends with these people. Sure, comparing some over-privileged 20-something boys doesn’t really work when comparing them to two insanely successful rappers like Jay-Z and Kanye West but, damn it, I want to be their friends, too. And it only makes sense that two of the biggest of all time would collaborate on Watch the Throne just to show off how fucking cool, popular, and loaded they are. They tell us, “Hey, you mignons down there! Watch that throne there, because our asses are going to be in it because we are the greatest rappers/people alive.” Well, then. There’s no doubt that they are great rappers, but do they live up to their own hype? It’d be easy to look at the couple of really awesome songs on this album and write it off as stellar. The intro song “No Church in the Wild” conveniently features buzz-rapper Frank Ocean of OFWGKTA, whose talent

is actually showcased as opposed to just some wacky antics of his usual rap collective. “Otis,” the first single, samples Otis Redding and gives the listener an immediate sense of hearing something great, simply because it’s not the same ole’ DJ-produced beats in the background. Both Jay and West’s lyrics are so smooth, quotable and onpoint that this song is the perfect blend of vintage beats and witty 20th century lyrics; “Luxury rap, the Hermes of verses / sophisticated ignorance, write my curses in cursive.” Of course, we can all laugh at some of the misses on this album. Beyonce’s pathetic yet well-intentioned attempt in “Lift Off” makes me think she begged J to give her a sample in his cool new album (sorry, B.) A lot of the songs on Watch the Throne are easily missed, though; generic beats, fast rapping and Kanye’s signature grunting just blends about half of the album together. While the not-so-good songs make the really-good-songs that much better, it’s strange how the tracks on this album range from amazing to just plain. Whatever, I only use them for their loud bass and their free beer, anyway. SOUNDS LIKE: Dulled down gold grills. DOWNLOAD: Otis, No Church in the Wild, Made in America LISTEN TO IT WHEN: You’re playing “Otis” on repeat at a welcome week party.

>>> UPCOMING RELEASES The Game - The R.E.D. Album Patti Smith – Outside Society Sonic Youth – Hits Are For Squares Black Tide – Post Mortem

Red Hot Chili Peppers – I’m With You Cobra Starship – Night Shades Beirut – The Rip Tide Lenny Kravitz – Black and White America

TBS: What's the creative process for you guys? Like, talk me through how you get an idea for a song to how you get a finished product. John: Things start when I’m on tour, walking the streets of some city like Chicago, and a melody starts playing in my brain. I’ll pick up my smartphone and record the melody. Then, when I get back to Sweden I’ll go back to the smartphone for the melodies and the lyrics or notes I made for it. I use that to build a song. Three months later I’ll make a demo and sent it off to Peter and Bjorn, we’ll meet in some deserted cellar and rehearse it for 30 or 40 minutes. Eventually we’ll book a studio with some decent mics, walk into a studio and spend 8 or so hours recording a song. Of course the song gets changed like, 6 times. After a few beers and some more mixing we’ll like how it sounds, and we’ll head to mixing (the most mysterious part of the creation). We’ll fight over the mix for a while, and a few weeks later it’ll be finished, we’ll master it and it’ll be ready for a person’s ears. TBS: Can you talk about the differences, if any, in touring different countries or continents? Can you make--or speak in-- generalities about venues and shows in different parts of the world, or is that just a myopic point of view from an ill-traveled interviewer? John: People are more or less quite similar all over the world, believe it or not. The biggest difference — and the stuff that will affect the show — is the way the stage works and what kind of food you eat before playing. (And we have eaten much better stuff in Texas than in France). During our upcoming US tour we want to explore those differences even more. In Chicago, for instance, we play at like four different venues during one week. We had this idea that people could get a super ticket and go to all of the shows, we want it to be like a big PB&J buffet, hopefully no one will throw up afterwards. TBS: You've shown a lot of support for hip-hop, and hip-hop artists have shown a lot of love to you. Why do you think your music lends itself so well to that genre? John: I think it’s because the drums and the beats in our music are so awesome. (Editor’s note: Because John is the drummer, you see.) TBS: When you're not busy doing music things, what are you doing? John: At the moment mostly kissing and eating. Not at the same time though.

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How To: Confuse a Freshman

The answers, you cheater, are on the next page!

MASH

first semester hookup:

new org you start

class you'll miss/week:

Someone's dorm Kam's bathroom On the Quad Alone, with candles

The Crying Illini Whipped Cream Enthusiasts Life is Short, So are We Tie-Dye 'Til We Die

4 19 8 You're not here for class

first semester kiss:

second semester home

campus job:

Guy in front of you Girl to the left First two people you see Friend's new puppy

CO's basement You'll be bangin' for roof Back with your parents Dorm living forever!

Bouncer at Illini Inn Safe Rides driver Black Sheep writer Fake T.A.

change classes:

new trend you'll start

Cause of expulsion:

3 times 7 times 46 times Never!

Over-the-shirt-boob-cupping Freestyle skipping Triple-bro-fisting Screwdriving stabbing

Streaking...every day Burning the corn fields Blackmailing three professors Living in a tree all semester

Circle one option in each category and unlock the mystery to your ideal (or not so ideal) future life.

( class time )

tally box

Answers from the map!

University YMCA, The Armory, Music Building, Noyes Lab, Talbot Lab, Foellenger Hall, Ice Arena, Undergradate Library. Everitt Lab, Foreign Language Building

HOOKUP: ______________KISS ______________ CHANGE CLASSES: ______________ NEW ORG: ______________ SECOND SEMESTER HOME: ______________ CLASSES YOU'LL MISS: ______________ CAMPUS JOB: ______________ CAUSE OF EXPULSION: ______________

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Madlib: Welcome back to campus! 1) fast food place 2) best friend 3) type of dog 4) body part 5) one of the senses 6) vegetable 7) minority group 8) type of car 9) action 10) number 11) sexual move 12) current crush 13) dance move 14) campus building 15) type of beer/booze 16) old roommate 17) campur bar 18) body part 19) last hookup 20) non-sexual body part 21) name of campus bus 22) friend 23) type of clothing 24) greek house 25) eating/drinking item 26) condiment 27) type of student

Wow, am I glad school is back in session! This summer I worked at ____1____ with ____2____ and it sucked ____3____ ____4____. Every day I had to ____5____ the ____6____, and then take the ____7____ still there from the night before and throw them in the ____8____ outside. Embarrassing. Anyways, enough about my ____9____ summer, time to focus on the future. I’m thinking I’ll go on a ____10____ day bender, during which I can finally ____11____ ____12____ and then ____13____ in the ____14____. We all know he/she deserves it. The one thing I won’t do is drink ____15____ with ____16____ again, last time that happened I ended up at ____17____ showing everyone my ____18____ and well, nobody was impressed. I really hope I run into ____19____ soon though. We left last semester all weird after we rubbed ____20____ on the ____21____ and ____22____ walked in on us. They asked why we weren’t wearing any ____23____ and we told them we had just seen some ____24____ and they took them. Somehow that worked, but come on now. So, raise your ____25____ to another great year starting up. Let’s hope we all manage to rub some ____26____ on some ____27____ this week!

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