Volume 19, Issue 1 - Welcome Back/Quad Day Issue - 8/18/11 - 8/24/11
The
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Black Sheep
“A College Newspaper That’s Actually About College”
How To: Be a Senior if Zombie John Hughes Were Around Carles Barkley wrote this John Hughes is dead, and there's nothing you can do about it - no matter how many stars and wishing wells you wish upon. He's never coming back, SO JUST GIVE UP ALREADY! LIFE ISN'T A JOHN HUGHES MOVIE AFTER ALL! But what if it were? What if the great Hughes were to rise from the dead just to come visit the senior class at our university? How would he want us all to live our senior years? Zombie Hughes would want us to have the best time ever and learn a valuable life lesson every two hours. Go to class? As if Zombie Hughes would have us attend class! What kinds of life lessons can I learn sitting in a lecture hall? None, especially when Ben Stein is stuck repeating “Bueller” for the first thirty-five minutes of class. No, our time would be better spent taking the day off to go peruse Champaign. Getting a table for lunch at Biaggis would be as simple as a call from a payphone to persuade the hostess you're Big Mike, the Furniture King of Champaign. Zombie John Hughes would love for us to hijack the nearest parade, which would be the Homecoming Parade - so go ahead and snag White Ho's karaoke machine, set it to "Twist and Shout", and hop on the first float you can see to get the whole city riled up! Next he’d suggest we go ahead and buzz on over to the Krannert Art Museum, hang up a poster of A Sunday Afternoon on the Island of La Grande Jatte and just stare at it for what may feel like hours. There’s something mesmerizing about that little girl. Day bow, bow…Chch-chicka-chickahhhhh. If you’re a virgin like myself and want to gain the respect of your peers without having to go through the horror of actually sleeping with a woman, Zombie Hughes has just the right fix for you. He’ll simply have you take a woman into a parked car
Other stuff
Inside
05: how to: be a freshmen
Whether your balls are old, or just dropped, here’s how to keep it 18.
out on E-14 and explain to her your exceedingly pathetic story and convince her to give you a pair of her panties to show off to your friends like a former high school failed quarterback shows off his state trophy to the dancers at The Kat Pole. Just make sure that crazy stereotypical Asian foreign exchange student isn’t around to ruin the moment! That crazy Long Duk Dong. Or, if you’re a genius virgin, you could just make some rohypnol to get laid! Haha, no just kidding – rape is never funny, but building your own perfect woman can be! She blinded me with science? Blinded you with hotness more like. This couldn’t be any easier. Just follow Zombie John Hughes down to the Noyse Laboratory’s secret chambers (which are actually located on the rooftop – not so secret anymore), and have him show you how to make a lady. Not in a sexual way of course – I mean that he’s the one who originally came up with the formula, so it shouldn’t be too much trouble for him, as long as his zombie brain is still fairly intact. Don’t think I’ve forgotten about you, ladies; you’re down to have a good time too, right? Then strap on your hooker heels and head on over to a corner anywhere north of Green Street, you pretty lady. After just a short time turning tricks, you’re bound to find a really handsome businessman who just wants to pick up a hooker to get directions. And then, you know what, he’ll be all like “Well, you might as well come upstairs or something,” and you’re in. Before you know it, he’ll be buying you pretty dresses and snapping velvet necklace cases on your fingers. Of course his balding snarky friend who looks like George from Seinfeld will try to rape you, but it’s all in the line of duty. To seal the deal with your handsome fella, hide out in your fifth story apartment and act like you’re going to move away, so your height-
07: how to: stroke your pole in the dorms
After a hard day of classes, you just need a release, man.
Continued on Page 19...
21: the black sheep interviews:
Peter, Bjorn and John!