Volume 19, Issue 3 — 8/31/11 - 9/07/11 — www.theblacksheeponline.com
The
Black Sheep
Fre e giv ...lik ing e r Th unn e Z ing ook on er field a h an ug! d
“A College Newspaper That’s Actually About College” Brought to you by
The Booze News
A SUPER Way to Solve Our Crime Problems esexy wrote this Champaign has a problem. And no, it’s not that the dorms are too hot, or the alcohol tax is too high, or we wish our penises were bigger, or any other anti-problem that idiots everywhere like to hash tag about on my Facebook newsfeed. We have a crime problem. Or, perhaps more aptly, we have a North Champaign problem. In Champaign, the North Star doesn’t lead you home, it leads you to the middle of the plot for Get Rich or Die Tryin’. North Champaign is packed with hoodlums, misfits, and general do-badders who want nothing more than to take your wallets and your phones just to make you feel like a kid again (specifically, the childhood feeling of pooping your own pants). What we need is somebody to stand up to these bullies. What we need is a tight-skinned injection of hope. What we need is SUPERMAN! Unfortunately, Superman is busy. He has to save lives in real cities that have bigger problems than us, like New York, LA, and Kansas. He simply doesn’t have time to dick around in a college town surrounded on all sides by cornfields. “Great Scott, Champaign is in trouble?” Superman was recently quoted as saying, “How will the cereal companies survive? THIS looks like a job fo- Okay. Never mind, I can’t do this, I need to go save that girl over there.” After that, he promptly did the jerk-off hand motion and flew off to catch some blonde who had just fallen off a skyscraper somewhere in Eastern Europe (Ha ha! There’s no skyscrapers in Eastern Europe!). The point is any superhero worth having in your town is not going to waste their time in your town. Even Aquaman, a man whose best powers barely allow him to beat an average bluegill in a game of Texas Hold 'Em, is a member of the Super Friends. That’s a group
Other stuff
Inside
05: Sex in the CU: Sex Hair, and we’re not talking about the merkin you use to cover up your herpes.?
that has bigger fish to fry than a couple of muggers attempting to take over Scott Park. With this in mind, we know if we are going to find the right caped crusader, we must first adhere to the number one step of solving any problem: masturbation. Wait! Nope! I meant lower our standards. So without further ado, I’ve compiled a list of possible—albeit slightly lower-grade—costumed crime fighters that just might put this whole era of fear in our rearview mirrors. Robin “Haha! Look at that pants puncher!” This is what criminals yell whenever Robin shows up without Batman.* No human being with even an ounce of a sense of humor could ever focus on committing crimes, or anything for that matter, if a pubescent boy wearing tragically homosexual looking shorts came up to them yelling, “HOLY CONCEALED WEAPON, YOU THIEVING THUGS ARE IN FOR A ZWOCKING!” Therein lies Robin’s effectiveness, and why his presence could be beneficial. *Conversely, when Robin shows up with Batman, most people just call DCFS to report a molestation in progress. Kick-Ass As far as vigilante heroes are concerned, Kick-Ass may be the ultimate. While he’s borderline worthless in actual combat (his weapons of choice are basically two of those ‘Thunder stick’ noisemakers you get at high school football games), he’s horseshit insane...
09: what your computer history says about you
more than likely, that you're gross.
Continued on Page 19...
18: Top 10
Burnett’s flavors we’re making up, and they are deliciously filthy