Volume 19, Issue 4 — 9/07/11 - 9/14/11 — www.theblacksheeponline.com
The
Black Sheep
Fre
e. so ..like lve a p th riz ep ef uz rom zle on us if Pag yo e 2 u ca 2! n
“A College Newspaper That’s Actually About College” Brought to you by
The Booze News
a guide to football for women, by women Carly Anne wrote this Alright ladies, it’s that time of year again. That time of year when our boyfriends disappear for hours at a time on Saturday mornings and Monday nights, then return to us covered in body paint, sweat, and testosterone. While it’s very difficult to get my inferior female brain wrapped around this concept, I believe all of this strange behavior is caused by one thing; football. For whatever reason men get all riled up watching other men tackle each other in tight spandex pants; I can understand why I might enjoy watching it, but seeing my man get all excited over groups of men piling on top of one another can get a girl to worry. But apparently if enough people are watching, it’s okay. So I’m gonna go ahead and do my sisters a favor and finally explain why men love football so much. First things first, there are like a bunch of players on the team. The quarterback is your basic head bitch; he makes the calls and runs the show. To me he’s like the Tyra Banks of the game, constantly having to raise morale, telling the other players they need to lose weight, and showing his teammates how to hold their faces to look fierce. He has to watch the field when he’s given the ball and figure out the best way to make sure the ball gets to the end zone, or, as I like to call it the “happy zone!” Most often, the quarterback, the Tyra Banks, uses his receivers to get the football to the happy zone. The receivers are the team’s go-getters. They’re like the quarterback’s personal butlers. Work with me here. The quarterback is all like, “Excuse me Jeeves, I need you to get this ball over there for me please,” and then the butler’s all like, “Will do, Tyra Banks.” And then all the butlers have to do whatever they can to make sure the ball gets to the happy zone. However, while Tyra Banks is trying to give the ball to the butlers, the other team gets all angry because they wanted the ball to go to the opposite happy zone. So whenever Tyra Banks tries to get the butlers to do what she wants, the other team has their defensive team try and stop her. They’re like all the haters online who are constantly calling Tyra crazy and just want her to fail – it’s like, sorry you’re just jealous of Tyra cause she’s a supermodel and crazy successful and she’s earned her way up to the top so she’s allowed to get fat and the photographer will just Photoshop it out because she’s EARNED that right. Sorry guys, it’s just really messed up the things people say about her. She’s like a genuine person and it’s just shitty. Where was I? Oh yeah, so the other team’s defense is trying to stop Tyra Banks, but the coach is obviously looking out for Tyra like her PR rep, so he has a bunch of blockers there to guard her. They’re like the people who sit at the judging table with her at America’s Next Top Model. We all know it’s basically just Tyra who makes the cuts and decides who wins, so
Other stuff
Inside
08: Sorry for the Tiny Dog
Trust me, I want to punch him just as hard as you do.
those people are just there to back her up. They were just hired to, like, laugh at her jokes, and like stick up for her whenever one of the girls who gets cut might get snappy. Sometimes Tyra will try to throw the ball to her butlers and then the defensive team grabs it because the blockers couldn’t really get there in time. That’s called an interception. This is JUST like when you go to DSW Shoes for a really great Black Friday shoe sale, and you see those amazing Jessica Simpson pumps that are normally like three hundred dollars, but by the gods of Visa and MasterCard, it’s only sixty-five dollars today! Nothing could be more exciting; nothing in the world gets my panties wetter faster than affordable Jessica Simpson heels. So you’re ogling the shoes and there is one last pair of 7½ shoes and one last pair of 8’s. You try on the 8 and wonder for a moment if they should be tighter, then while you’re trying on the 7½s (which, ugh, of course don’t fit, because your mom gave you shitty colossal bigfoot feet genes) some bitch grabs your 8’s. NOT COOL. You tucked them under your bench and everything. She just totally intercepted your shoes. So now you have to chase her down and bring her to the ground in order to get your shoes back – that’s called a tackle. But like after you tackle her the DSW employees show up – they’re the referees. And since she technically didn’t rip the shoes out of your hands (which I wouldn’t put past that bitch) she gets to keep the shoes and now she’s playing the offensive and you want to intercept the shoes from her when she’s careless. However, sometimes Tyra Banks, her crew, and the butlers do everything right and get the ball to the happy zone. Aft this happens, the team is given six points, and then they have a choice – go for the two-point conversion or the one-point field goal. Most of the time the coach will send in the kicker to get the one-point field goal, because generally (with a good kicker) it’s a really easy point to earn – it’s seriously really hard to miss it. Missing it would be like paying for your own drinks at the bar, like it’s so easy to have some sap buy them for you, you’d really have to screw up to be buying your own. For the two-point conversion Tyra has only one down to get the ball to the happy zone from ten yards away – I know that doesn’t sound very far, but it’s risky apparently. Normally Tyra has four downs to move the ball ten yards; otherwise the ball is just given to other team. The good thing is once you move the ball more than ten yards your four downs start all over from wherever one of the butlers got tackled at. And that just about covers it. Any questions?
09: some quality time with Jereme Richmond We wonder what that upstanding citizen has been up to.
21: we Interview: Kids These daYS What are kids these days up to? Starting bands called Kids These Days.