Illinois - 9/1/11

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Volume 19, Issue 4 — 9/07/11 - 9/14/11 — www.theblacksheeponline.com

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a guide to football for women, by women Carly Anne wrote this Alright ladies, it’s that time of year again. That time of year when our boyfriends disappear for hours at a time on Saturday mornings and Monday nights, then return to us covered in body paint, sweat, and testosterone. While it’s very difficult to get my inferior female brain wrapped around this concept, I believe all of this strange behavior is caused by one thing; football. For whatever reason men get all riled up watching other men tackle each other in tight spandex pants; I can understand why I might enjoy watching it, but seeing my man get all excited over groups of men piling on top of one another can get a girl to worry. But apparently if enough people are watching, it’s okay. So I’m gonna go ahead and do my sisters a favor and finally explain why men love football so much. First things first, there are like a bunch of players on the team. The quarterback is your basic head bitch; he makes the calls and runs the show. To me he’s like the Tyra Banks of the game, constantly having to raise morale, telling the other players they need to lose weight, and showing his teammates how to hold their faces to look fierce. He has to watch the field when he’s given the ball and figure out the best way to make sure the ball gets to the end zone, or, as I like to call it the “happy zone!” Most often, the quarterback, the Tyra Banks, uses his receivers to get the football to the happy zone. The receivers are the team’s go-getters. They’re like the quarterback’s personal butlers. Work with me here. The quarterback is all like, “Excuse me Jeeves, I need you to get this ball over there for me please,” and then the butler’s all like, “Will do, Tyra Banks.” And then all the butlers have to do whatever they can to make sure the ball gets to the happy zone. However, while Tyra Banks is trying to give the ball to the butlers, the other team gets all angry because they wanted the ball to go to the opposite happy zone. So whenever Tyra Banks tries to get the butlers to do what she wants, the other team has their defensive team try and stop her. They’re like all the haters online who are constantly calling Tyra crazy and just want her to fail – it’s like, sorry you’re just jealous of Tyra cause she’s a supermodel and crazy successful and she’s earned her way up to the top so she’s allowed to get fat and the photographer will just Photoshop it out because she’s EARNED that right. Sorry guys, it’s just really messed up the things people say about her. She’s like a genuine person and it’s just shitty. Where was I? Oh yeah, so the other team’s defense is trying to stop Tyra Banks, but the coach is obviously looking out for Tyra like her PR rep, so he has a bunch of blockers there to guard her. They’re like the people who sit at the judging table with her at America’s Next Top Model. We all know it’s basically just Tyra who makes the cuts and decides who wins, so

Other stuff

Inside

08: Sorry for the Tiny Dog

Trust me, I want to punch him just as hard as you do.

those people are just there to back her up. They were just hired to, like, laugh at her jokes, and like stick up for her whenever one of the girls who gets cut might get snappy. Sometimes Tyra will try to throw the ball to her butlers and then the defensive team grabs it because the blockers couldn’t really get there in time. That’s called an interception. This is JUST like when you go to DSW Shoes for a really great Black Friday shoe sale, and you see those amazing Jessica Simpson pumps that are normally like three hundred dollars, but by the gods of Visa and MasterCard, it’s only sixty-five dollars today! Nothing could be more exciting; nothing in the world gets my panties wetter faster than affordable Jessica Simpson heels. So you’re ogling the shoes and there is one last pair of 7½ shoes and one last pair of 8’s. You try on the 8 and wonder for a moment if they should be tighter, then while you’re trying on the 7½s (which, ugh, of course don’t fit, because your mom gave you shitty colossal bigfoot feet genes) some bitch grabs your 8’s. NOT COOL. You tucked them under your bench and everything. She just totally intercepted your shoes. So now you have to chase her down and bring her to the ground in order to get your shoes back – that’s called a tackle. But like after you tackle her the DSW employees show up – they’re the referees. And since she technically didn’t rip the shoes out of your hands (which I wouldn’t put past that bitch) she gets to keep the shoes and now she’s playing the offensive and you want to intercept the shoes from her when she’s careless. However, sometimes Tyra Banks, her crew, and the butlers do everything right and get the ball to the happy zone. Aft this happens, the team is given six points, and then they have a choice – go for the two-point conversion or the one-point field goal. Most of the time the coach will send in the kicker to get the one-point field goal, because generally (with a good kicker) it’s a really easy point to earn – it’s seriously really hard to miss it. Missing it would be like paying for your own drinks at the bar, like it’s so easy to have some sap buy them for you, you’d really have to screw up to be buying your own. For the two-point conversion Tyra has only one down to get the ball to the happy zone from ten yards away – I know that doesn’t sound very far, but it’s risky apparently. Normally Tyra has four downs to move the ball ten yards; otherwise the ball is just given to other team. The good thing is once you move the ball more than ten yards your four downs start all over from wherever one of the butlers got tackled at. And that just about covers it. Any questions?

09: some quality time with Jereme Richmond We wonder what that upstanding citizen has been up to.

21: we Interview: Kids These daYS What are kids these days up to? Starting bands called Kids These Days.


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Table of

contents

Page 6

Most dirty talk sounds like shit coming out of peoples’ mouths.

bend the truth a little here.

Sex and the CU

07

05

Page 5

Little Known Facts About Discoveries and Discoverers We may

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Page 10

counts as dieting.

guy who sells you cheap shit that smells good.

How to Stay Skinny Without Dieting: And listen, anorexia

Bath and Body Works Like a Charm: A quick hello from the

Pages 11 - 13 The World Famous Bar Grid!

Get your drink on every day of the week, fo' real cheap.

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From the Mind of a Stand-Up Top 10 People You Meet at Comedian So you’re saying Bars: Yes, the creepy old men this guy isn’t in a wheelare on here. chair. /rimshot

19

How to Keep Your Tan:

There’s plenty of options if you’re willing to look like a douchebag.

Where Are They Now? We see what’s up with everyone’s favorite Tom Jones fan, Carlton Banks.

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Seek-n-Find! Find the hidden stuff and win concert tickets!

Meet The Staff! Managing Editor Carly Kamp copy Editor Mike Benson Advertising Manager Michelle Lenzen distribution Manager Mike Zevin Chris Bandmier Contributing Writers John Estep | John McCombs Phil Azar| Ken Halvachs Mandy Cleves | Grace Haka Hannah Johnson| Michelle Lenzen Michael Byrnes| Corey Gusstini Caitlin Chrzanowski | Katelyn Lilly Sarah Langer cartoonist Alexandra Joyce

pr manager Anastasia Guletsky Abbie Welch photographer Caitlin Chrzanowski campus director Brendan Bonham owner Atish Doshi Founders Atish Doshi & Derek Chin Questions?

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Letter to the editor Dear Carl, I am sitting in my class and I have to fart. What do I do? Sincerely, Uncomfortable Dear Gassy Girl, I’m just going to assume you’re a girl because no selfrespecting man would sit uncomfortably if he could fix it. Here are your options: sit and endure the growing gas bubbles in your stomach, or let ‘er rip, flying free. You’ll feel so much better but have to endure a new uncomfortable feeling – being that girl. Obviously you’ve already weighed these options, but it helps to really break them down. Here’s what I do whenever I have to floofy in public. I keep my cheeks pinched and release in slow bursts of pressure, keeping the sound to a subtle kind of “puff” nearly inaudible to the human ear. It sounds mostly like a sigh of the ass. Then once the smell is potent enough I make sure to be the very first person to say, “Oh my God...what’s that smell? Did someone diarrhea in the room? Oh frick, did this person eat shit for a week straight? How can you produce that kind of stench?!” For some reason everyone seemed to have TOTALLY forgotten that “whoever smelt it dealt it” rule shortly after middle school. So if you’re the first person to make a disgusted face and tell everyone how bad your fart smells, no one in the room thinks it’s you. Actually if you’re a girl, people will NEVER suspect you! So I say revel in your womanhood, embrace your feminine side and fart your face off. Cheers, Carl

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Craven Hiss

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Definition: Any bro’s constant need to exaggerate the workout they just completed. Sentence: “When Ethan told Karen he dead lifted 25 reps at 700 pounds, it was a clear case of inreptitude."


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SEX and the u

I always get a little bit nervous whenever somebody tells me to talk dirty to them mid hook-up. Like, what exactly do you want me to say? What constitutes “dirty?” Can’t we just talk about the Bulls instead? Nobody ever taught us how to properly talk in the bedroom growing up. Sure, my friends and I would practice blow/hand jobs on each other all the time, but never dirty talk. You’d think it’d be a chapter in your standard high school health book by now, because I think people are starting to experience it more frequently than they’d actually prefer. I know I sure have, and I’ve come to some realizations about it. First of all, it’s creepy. Most people would feel pretty uncomfortable being naked in front of someone after they just said, “I want to pretend that your nipples are Bop-It’s and

05

dirty talk

cleves wrote this

twist them until they chaff and bleed.” In fact, you’ll probably never want to take your bra off again, for fear of becoming a nipple cripple. And no one likes a nipple-less bitch. I understand that people get caught up in the heat of the moment and say things that they may or may not really mean, but, “I’m about to jizz inside your corneas,” is not exactly a romantic phrase. And let me tell ya, nothing hurts more than the ole sperm in the eyeball maneuver. Now there’s creepy, and then there’s curl-up-in-the-corner-of-your-shower creepy. The one that really irks me is the whole “daddy/mommy” thing. I’ve never understood why people get turned on by being called daddy. This either stems from some sort of freaky Freud theory or from a series of unfortunate years filled with severe parent issues. I don’t even think Oedipus himself could get into this. All I know is that the moment someone starts telling me to call him Daddy, I’m outta there faster than you can say, “My penis just went soft.” The only thing worse than that is if someone told you to call them the name of their brother or sister. While often unbearably uncomfortable, sex talk does have the potential to be cute...kinda. Operative word being “kinda.” Still, every once in a while you’ll come across the perfect gentleman or woman who knows exactly the right things to say while having sex. For instance, “I love the shape your ballsack takes when the camera light hits it at the perfect angle.” See, now that’s nice. Who wouldn’t like to be told

B 9 6 ’s Fl ip s id e a t 5 D J

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Thursday h t 5 1 r e b m e t p se

that they have a nicely-shaped scrotum? Even I would, and I’m a girl! It’s also pretty nice when your partner compliments your body, like telling you that you have a nice figure or a cute vagina. Just don’t let that go to your head, because you know they don’t really mean it. Tomorrow, they’ll go running to their friends blabbin‘ about your stomach rolls and “beef curtains.” Oftentimes, dirty talk can be confused with normal conversation, or merely descriptions of situations. For example, you may think that your partner is referring to you when he says, “That pussy is wild,” when in fact he is talking about his cat in the corner who happens to be clawing at the couch cushions. Talk about awkward, right? Or there’s that uncomfortable point when your man says, “I think this is the fastest it’s gone up,” and just when you’re about to give yourself a nice pat on the back for being so damn good in the sack, he informs you that he was actually talking about the stock market. Well, so much for that. Moral of the story: talking dirty while bumping uglies is just not a good idea. It’s strange, awkward, and usually ends up with the other person saying, “Oh...”, then leaving as fast as possible. Maybe someone should teach a class or something, ya know, like Dirty Talk 101: The Basics of the “F” Word. Or maybe everyone should just stick to being silent while having sex; most people are better looking when they are quiet anyway.

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Little did you know, these things we use every day were once discovered by someone. Allow me to enlighten you. Plastics: Frustrated with the ease of cutting his steak with a well-sharpened, metal knife, John Wesley Hyatt set out to fashion cutlery out of a flimsier material. He succeeded beyond expectations when he developed a material he dubbed “plastic.” With his new invention, Hyatt was able to inflate the amount of time necessary to consume an 8 ounce piece of meat from ten minutes to an hour and a half. When molded into the shape of a fork, Hyatt happily discovered some of the prongs broke off while attempting to insert the fork into a poorly-cut chunk of meat. He became ecstatic once he learned the same thing happened when eating pasta salad. Hyatt is credited with making the cookout the infuriating experience it is today. Rules of Heredity: An Austrian monk known as the father of genetics, Gregor Mendel is famous for his discovery of recessive and dominant traits and the rules governing their appearance throughout successive generations of a species. For over a hundred years, Mendel’s invaluable work with pea plants was thought to stem from his pursuit of knowledge about the natural world. However, one of his journals discovered in 1995 suggests his pea plant experiments were nothing more than a sick, perverted man getting off to rubbing exorbitant amounts of pollen all over a ripe stigma. Robert Morgan, the man who uncovered the heretofore lost journal, described what was found inside. “The pages I managed to get unstuck depict intricate drawings of Gregor mounted on pea plants of all types. Some had full pods, some constricted, some were short, some were tall, he appeared to love both violet and white flowers equally—he could basically get his jollies from any mature pea plant in full bloom. Once he peeled open the bud to expose the reproductive organs you could just forget about it.” Many of the drawings included conversation bubbles in which Gregor said, “Ich möchte Ihre Welt aus Ihrer Ranken Rock zu Ihrem Wurzelknöllchen,” which roughly translates to “I want to rock your world from your tendrils to your root nodules.” Said Mathis, “He was a truly disgusting man.”

Vitamins: In the early 1900s Frederick Hopkins and others discovered some diseases were caused by a deficiency in certain nutrients. These nutrients became known as vitamins. Ailments such as scurvy and beriberi could be cured by diets including citrus fruit and unpolished rice because they contained vitamin C and vitamin B, respectively. It quickly became well known which foods contained which vitamins, but it was a hassle to have to eat a balanced diet. The real breakthrough came when Hopkins miraculously discovered consuming small sculptures depicting a modern Stone Age family once a day allowed a person to meet every single vitamin requirement. If a person ate a sculpture of a magenta dinosaur with black spots, he would be set for a week. Hopkins’ first “multivitamins” were whittled out of wood. These were not appetizing, so he changed the material to his favorite chalky flavor for palatability. In 1960, this vitamin design was exploited by William Hannah and Joseph Barbera to create a popular animated cartoon known as The Flintstones.

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Hormones: William H. Bayliss and Ernest H. Starling “discovered” hormones in 1903. Both Bayliss and Starling had teenage daughters. Rather than accept the fact that their little girls were just royal bitches who threw fits whenever they were asked to sew their father a new pair of knickerbockers or were told they could not borrow the horse and buggy to go on a date with Henry this weekend, Bayliss and Starling formulated the idea of “chemical messengers” responsible for triggering the release of chemicals in the body as well as altering young girls’ moods. They later extrapolated this finding to explain why their bitch wives wouldn’t let them go out for a round of golf with the guys. Microorganisms: In 1674, microscope lens grinder Anton Van Leeuwenhoek accidentally discovered microorganisms in a drop of water. Immediately after making this discovery, he began pondering what other microscopic matter he could observe. Later, he studied such phenomena as bacteria and red blood cells. One morning when he was particularly aroused, he thought to examine sperm. From that day until his death thirty years later, Leeuwenhoek’s lab was permanently moved to his bathroom, and his studies focused exclusively on his own semen.

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How to Stay Skinny without Dieting! Gracenectar wrote this

Opening magazines is not good for your social life. Here’s why: If you open a fashion magazine or a tabloid you are going to see stacks upon stacks of skinny bodies prancing around LA like it’s their job (even though it pretty much is). Seeing skinny people makes you hate yourself, which in turn will make you work out and eat healthier just to lose a couple pounds of flabby shame. But going grocery shopping and not picking up a jumbo box of Captain Crunch and actually going to the gym takes up a lot of valuable time that could be spent playing Mario Kart, day drinking in your underwear, or fondling your significant other. That’s why I’ve come up with a couple foolproof ways to stay Amy Winehouse thin (too soon?) without having to do any serious dieting or working out at a gym. Don’t listen to the nay-sayers, “Exercising and Eating Right” is as big a myth as the Loch Ness monster. If you’re already disgusting and pudgy with a FUPA you have to start out really drastically, which pretty much means one thing: Detox. For two weeks straight, you should only drink this really great detox remedy I created in a friend’s MDMA lab. It consists of: Water, lemon, chili powder, two tablespoons of vodka, a packet of cheese powder from Easy Mac, thumbnails from your roommate, two drops of gypsy tears, a pubic hair, and two squeezes of milk straight from the tit of a cow. You can drink this stuff all day long if you want; it’s super “yum-yums,” all natural and very detoxifying. After you lose 20-25 pounds of solid cankle fat from that detox, you’re going to want to start focusing on your

abs and arms. Don’t go to the gym, though, it’s probably really far from your house and you probably lost your I-Card. Honestly that’s just way too much of a hassle! The best way to burn off that belly fat is to do cocaine all day. You’ll never be hungry, you’ll obsessively clean your house, and you won’t ever give your body enough time to rest and let that gross fat settle in. I mean, it’s just like getting amped up Adderall, right? Once you start to look pretty good, you’re going to have to maintain your skinny image and also come up with some really good excuses for how you got so incredibly sexy so incredibly soon. To stay fit you can have sex with your pledge husband for a few hours a week or go squirrel hunting on the South Quad. When someone asks how you got so adorable, all you have to say is: “Jillian Michaels is a genius!” or “Thanks! I’ve stopped eating drunk food” or even better “OMG what!? I haven’t lost any weight. Are you trying to say I used to be fat!?” People are mostly dumb, so they’ll probably believe you when you say you’re not a drug addict but just addicted to a runner’s high. The only downside to the last one is that you have to go through your Facebook and delete all your old fatty profile pictures. And that’s pretty much all it takes! To sum it up, you need to consume food only in liquid form, do a ton of cocaine, and have sex with a lot of people to maintain your figure. I like to call it the Lohan diet. It really couldn’t be simpler, so do it to it, fatty, you could be skinny in a short time if you follow this amazing plan!

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Dear Champaign, I Apologize for my Tiny Dog eSufficient wrote this In general, I love dogs. I love how loyal they are; I love their little wet noses; I love their fuzzy coats; and I am deeply jealous that they get away with pooping in public. I used to think that I loved all kinds of dogs; fuzzy, bald, friendly, rabid, snoop, bomb-sniffing, Big and Red, Blue and Clue-loving, Bounty Hunter, and even tiny dogs. I think this is because my only real previous experience with tiny dogs was facilitated entirely through Taco Bell commercials and the movie Legally Blonde (go to hell, it’s an entertaining movie). But then everything changed. I moved into an apartment with a girl. A girl with a tiny dog. A girl with a… (heaves deep sigh)…half-Pug, half-Chihuahua. The word ‘ugly’ does not begin to describe this dog. The words ‘grotesque,’ ‘unsettling,’ and ‘tragic’ are close, but the only way I can really make you understand what this dog is like is to simply apologize profusely for its existence. As if it wasn’t bad enough living with this six-pound insult to Mother Nature, I also have to walk him occasionally. In public. I certainly don’t do this out of love, mind you, but my roommate is actually a productive human so she doesn’t spend much time in the apartment. This means I have to make a daily choice between sacrificing my dignity by taking him outside, sacrificing my dignity by cleaning up his inevitable living room turds, or preserving my dignity by CUTTING HIM UP WITH A CHEF’S KNIFE AND LAUGHING AT MY ROOMMATE AS SHE WEEPS OVER HIS CORPSE!!! YES!!! Okay, I lost control there. I don’t like cleaning poop, and I give it at least another few weeks before I morally deteriorate to the point of animal murder, so that leaves me no choice other than to walk him. Normally walking a dog on campus is a great experience. People smile at you, they pet the dog, suggest casual sex, it’s really quite magical. Unfortunately, if walking normal dogs is like “Cinderella-turned-into-a-princess” magical, then walking Benny (its name) is like “Voldemort-just-moved-into-your-neighborhood” magical. When I walk Benny, people don’t smile at me. At best they stare vacantly through me trying to convince themselves that I’m not real, and at worst they glare right into my eyes as if to say “You MONSTER! What gives you the right to combine the DNA of a vampire bat and a martian and parade it around in MY town?” This happened to me the other day. I was walking Benny through a park and a person stared at me for what had to have been 15 straight seconds before I finally mustered whatever pride I had left and said, in my manliest voice, “Can I help you?” Instead of responding, he sped up, most

likely so that he could get home and research whether or not he just saw a real life Rattata. The best part is that this person was walking the same direction as me. He was literally 18 feet in front of me craning his neck just so that he could leer at me like I was riding a unicycle and firing multiple rounds out of a semi-automatic rifle. It’s experiences like this that make me want to get on a soap-box, hold a University-sponsored press conference and say that I’m sorry to all of campus for exposing this creature to them. Unfortunately, I don’t have a soap-box, I have a newspaper. So here goes: I’m sorry, Champaign, for living with this dog. I’m sorry that he looks like he was born from the stomach of a man who was recently abducted by aliens. I’m sorry that when he barks it sounds like a flock of crows that flew through, and snorted, a giant helium balloon. I’m sorry that I don’t clean his poop up after him. This is unrelated to how I feel about him as a dog; I’d just rather not pick up poop that isn’t my own. But most of all, I’m sorry that not all of you have had a chance to meet him. Because if there’s any way to bring a campus, or even a country, together it’s by introducing a common enemy (like the British), and watching everybody unite against it. Going by that theory, this dog has potential to bring peace to the world, but it will have to wait, because (and I’m sorry) I refuse to walk that thing past the end of the block.

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From 'da Streets

The Black Sheep Interviews: Jereme Richmond

"What type of cookie do you think gives the best blowjob?"

John McHoneyCombs wrote this “The cookies from Potbelly’s because they have a hole in them.” Tim B., Freshman

The Black Sheep was able to catch up with former Illinois basketball protégée turned prison inmate Jereme Richmond during his 2 hours of daily free time to conduct an interview. TBS: Hi Jereme, thank you for letting us sit down to talk with you from the comforts of your very own jail cell. Jereme: No problem, it’s actually a lot like the dorms, just with less natural sunlight and slightly more ass play. TBS: Now, for those who haven’t been keeping up with what’s been going on in your life, you left Illinois after not even starting your freshman year for the NBA draft and went un-drafted. Despite these shortcomings you managed to get transferred from the University of Illinois to Stateville, the flagship penitentiary of Illinois, and have gone from playing in Orange and Blue to just flat out orange. Jereme: That’s right, but don’t forget about some of the notable alumni who have attended Stateville, like John Wayne Gacy and Robert Speck.

that city has one of the highest household incomes in the country. Jereme: I know! Have you ever had a drive-by done on your house by people who could afford artillery? It’s awful! TBS: I’m sorry to have offended you, could you please continue with your story? Jereme: So anyways, there I was at the top of it all. My whole life was ahead of me and things were going great. My team had just made the tournament, I was due up to start next season, and we were looking good to go. Naturally, I believed the smartest thing to do would be to start a fight in the locker room. You know, just to rile everyone up a little bit. Next thing I know I get suspended so I’m all like “Fuck this minor setback in my otherwise promising career.” So I dropped out and declared for the draft. Everyone doubted me; now when I say that everyone doubted me, I mean EVERYONE told me to my face that was the stupidest fucking thing I could have done, even my mom. However, I always remember Rufus, the local drunk who hangs outside the liquor store, he said I was great and always supported me every time I gave him money and even asked God to bless me. Then I went undrafted.

"Have you ever had a drive-by done on your house by people who could afford artillery? It’s awful!"

TBS: Oh of course, who could forget? So would you mind telling our readers what motivated you to go from being one of the most anticipated Illinois basketball recruits to a lowly jailbird? Jereme: Well I had it all, you know? It was all that pressure of committing to Illinois while still being just a freshman in high school, making highlight reels every time I came off the bench, and people placing their hopes and dreams in me so I’ll lead this team to something great. You don’t realize how awful it is when Bruce Weber personally comes to your home, gets on his hands and knees and blows you right in your own living room. TBS: Wow, I think that’s a little much. Jereme: And not just the head either, he was working the shaft and cradling the balls too. This was a man that knew what he was doing. You try to say “no” to someone after they’ve given you the best slobjob of your life.

TBS: So I guess you must have grown up in a tough neighborhood then? I mean, judging by your actions and your shock to such fame and attention. Jereme: Yeah, I had to dodge bullets while playing high school ball in Winnetka, Illinois. TBS: Wait, isn’t that in the north suburbs? Yeah, I think

TBS: So you hit rock bottom and you decided to just keep digging? Jereme: You might say that. I knew my career was in the dumps, so I knew it obviously couldn’t have been my fault. It had to be the fault of those I loved. After that my only sensible course of action was to pistol whip my underage girlfriend until the cops showed up to take her away for ruining my career. TBS: Jereme, you truly are a God amongst inmates. Jereme: I try... I try.

“Mrs. Fields” Becky R., Junior

“Fortune cookies, because you just might get a happy ending.” Mike R., Sophomore


10

www.theblacksheeponline.com

SHOUT OUTS!

Bath and Body Works like a Charm Bath and Body Works Founder Leslie Wexner wrote this The year was 1990. I was already rich as shit from being CEO of Limited Brands. I didn’t need to undertake any new project if I didn’t want to, but I wasn’t just gonna sit around on my yacht all day playin’ with my immaculate balls. Sure, I continued to spend a portion of each day on my yacht playing with my balls—that’s a perk of being super rich—but I also executed a business plan that had been rattling around the old noggin for a while: I created a brand of marginally aromatic scents marketed at reasonable prices. Like lotions and sprays and shit. Look, I never intended on building a classy brand like Coco Chanel or Dolce and Gabbana. That shit is for women who go out to the fanciest restaurant in town dressed to the nines in designer clothes and dripping with diamonds. That’s high quality shit. Those companies pride themselves on using peas much sweeter than any you and I could ever dream of and cherry blossoms so much more Japanese than what I can offer. I was always content with the Bath and Body Works brand appealing to women who own multiple Winnie the Pooh shirts and list the Cheesecake Factory among the fanciest places they’ve ever been. As a result, are the ingredients I use in my products high quality? Not in the least. Are Bath and Body Works lotions full of esters discarded by other companies because of their status as lethal group one carcinogens? Most definitely. But my products cost ten goddamn dollars! We regularly run deals like buy three get two free. How random is that? I don’t give a shit how random it is! I earned the right to run insane deals like that after taking years to painstakingly construct the Bath and Body Works name.

Really, building this brand was simple once I figured out the secret to naming my products. Nine of our fragrances start with the word “fresh.” Another seven contain the word “lemon.” Do we have a fragrance called “Fresh Lemon?” Let me ask you this, do I look like an idiot? Of course we have Fresh fuckin’ Lemon! Let’s see, another ten contain the word “coconut”—wait a second; I think I’m on to something. FRESH COCONUT LEMON! Jackpot! Just make the check out to Leslie Wexner. Now, it’s tempting to add another adjective to that name. There’s nothing I would love more than to name a lotion Creamy Fresh Coconut Lemon. After all, research shows bitches love adjectives. You may even think adding a fourth word would increase sales by 33 percent, but that is faulty logic. Once you exceed three, women get overstimulated and may start hyperventilating. That doesn’t bode well for sales. As I survey the expansive growth of this company over the last twenty years, I get a little choked up. Initially, Bath and Body Works manufactured a few lotions and a few sprays. Now we have shower gels and face masks and shit I never imagined. I love my fragrances. This company is my baby. Nothing makes me happier than to know a woman incorporates my products into her everyday routine. But if a woman uses Sweet Pea shower gel, treats her hair with Sweet Pea shampoo and conditioner, covers herself in Sweet Pea body lotion, applies Sweet Pea shimmer body mist, cleans her hands with Sweet Pea gentle foaming hand soap, then lights a Sweet Pea candle, she at the very least cannot be trusted and at the very most is a homicidal maniac. But bless her heart, I’m still getting paid! God, life is good. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go manage Victoria’s Secret (look at tits). Later, bitches!

"I was always content with the Bath and Body Works brand appealing to women who own multiple Winnie the Pooh shirts and list the Cheesecake Factory among the fanciest places they’ve ever been."

Hey Justin, remember when you punched a hole in the wall? And then that guy one up’d you with an elbow in the wall! - Dave Dude Jason! Remember when you got drunk and started playing real life Fruit Ninja?! That was really weird. - Samantha Steve, thanks for the free showing. Watching you get beat up and arrested on that guy’s lawn was amazing. - The roommates you hate you. Owais! I stole your tie way too many times last night! Sorry, but at least you got to use it on me later? -Steph Dear strange guy in apartment 7, thanks for being so inviting and letting us crash at your place while our lost friend turned up...and for the pizza. - apt 5 William, you definitely learned your lesson to not blow a whistle at a cop past midnight... sorry for running away. -Chris Matt, next time you decide to play drunken target practice with a bow and arrow, try not using my door as your target. Thanks. -Jake Dear Jenny, please forgive me for the vomit under your pillow! When I’m drunk and throw up, I try and hide things...-Meg

SEND IN YOUR BEST SHOUT OUT TO SHOUT@theblacksheeponline.com or upload them at theblacksheeponline.com


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SPECIAL NIGHT

Welcome Back Weekends! Fridays & Saturdays in September! $2.50 Miller Lite bottles WIN Prizes & MORE!

SAT: CHALICE DUBS MASQUERADE featuring MIDNIGHT CONSPIRACY, POSITIVE VIBR8IONS, DJ SOLO, WHITE RABBIT and More!

WED: SENIOR NIGHT featuring Bottle Service $2 UV Vodka $2 Malibu Rum $2 Bud Light Bottles Bottle Service Available To Book - Call 217-722-9000 or CochraneParty@gmail.com

SUNDAY: Trivia Night! $1 Miller Lite Drafts $1 Miller HL Drafts $2 Bushmills Shots $3 Red Bull & Vodkas

NFL Sunday Ticket $2 Domestics $3 Bloody Marys

WED 9/07

15 Cent WINGS 9pm -? $1.50 Miller High Life Bottles $1.50 Keystone Light Taps $2 Long Island Iced teas (5 flavors) $2 Jäger Bombs

312 VIBE NIGHT on WOMPDOWN WEDNESDAY featuring WHITE RABBIT, ABBY SOBH, TEJAS and BRANDON D MiM0SA and The Hood Internet ticket giveaways! $5 Mugs available for purchase with $3 refills! $1 Cover

SENIOR NIGHT featuring Bottle Service $2 UV Vodka $2 Malibu Rum $2 Bud Light Bottles Bottle Service Available To Book - Call 217-722-9000 or CochraneParty@gmail.com

Salsa & Tango! Tango from 8-10, Salsa Music All Night Long!

Free Pool $2 Domestic Bottles and Drafts $4 Domestic Pitchers

THURS 9/08

$1 Wells $2 SoCo Lime Shots $2.50 Jack/SoCo/Tuaca $3 Jumbo Long Islands $4 Miller/Coors Pitchers

ZOSO Tribute to Led Zeppelin

$2.50 ANYTHING IN THE HOUSE! Any Liquor - Any Beer....$2.50 Every Thursday! DJ Ollie - DJ D.M. - DJ Ghostface

Hathaways Live at Midnight!

Beer Garden Bags League at 6pm $1.50 Old Style Pints

FRI 9/09

$1 Cherry & “O” Bombs $2 Jäger Bombs, $2 Wells $2.50 Miller Lite/Coors Bottles $3 Three Olives Mixers $3 Hot Shots $7 ALL Domestic Pitchers

Happy Hour Food Special 4pm-9pm - $3 PIZZAS! Your Choice of Any Pizza! plus specials including... $3 Bud Light 24oz Tallboy Cans $3 Svedka Vodka DJ OLLIE

The Best Beer Garden. The Best Drinks.

All You Can Eat Walleye $7.95 $2.00 Bud & Bud Light Cans

SAT 9/10

CHALICE DUBS MASQUERADE $1 Cherry & “O” Bombs featuring MIDNIGHT $2 Jäger Bombs, $2 Wells CONSPIRACY, $2.50 Miller Lite/Coors bottles POSITIVE VIBR8IONS, $3 Bacardi, $3 Hot Shots DJ SOLO, WHITE RABBIT $7 ALL Domestic Pitchers and More!

GAMEDAY Open at 9am Serving BREAKFAST and serving Great Food All Day Long featuring Pizzas, Sandwiches Salads & Appetizers Specials on: Bud Light Bacardi - Absolut Vodka

Come Out and Watch the Illini!

Available for Private Parties! For more info: fatcitybar@gmail.com $3.50 23oz Bud Light & Miller Lite Drafts

Trivia Night - 7PM! $1 Miller Lite Drafts $1 Miller High Life Drafts $2 Bushmills Shots $3 Red Bull Vodkas

NFL Sunday Ticket $2 Domestics $3 Bloody Marys

ANR and WE BARBARIANS (Early Show!) TOUBAB KREWE and THE GIVING TREE BAND (Late Show!)

SUN 9/11

Closed

** CLOSED **

$2 U CALL IT featuring UV Vodka and Domestic Bottle

MON 9/12

$1 Wells $2 Killian’s Pints $4 Killian’s Pitchers $2 Jumbo Long Islands $4 Bud & Bud Light Pitchers Pub quiz @ 8pm

$1 WILD MONDAYS Live Music! No Cover! featuring Comfort Food and Sonny Stubble $1 Beers and $1 Wells

Bucket Monday! $8 Buckets of Domestic Bottles $4 Cruzan Rum Buckets $2 Pinnacle Whipped Vodka $2 Cruzan Rum Drinks

DJ Belly! $2 Domestic Beers $2 Wells $2 Off All Martinis

1/2 Price Appetizers 4-7pm $1.50 Old Style Pints

TUES 9/13

Taco Tuesdays! $3 AUC2E Tacos & $2 Wells $3 Tall Boys/ Miller Coors/ Tequila Sunrise & Margaritas $2 Killian’s pints $5 Killian’s pitchers

THE PIANO MAN Playing all your favorites with $3 Real Long Islands! No Cover!

WINE NIGHT $8 Bottles of Wine $8 Bottles of Champagne $2 Goose Island 312 Bottles $2 UV Vodka (All Flavors) $2 Jim Beam Whiskey

Open Mic Night Inside Stage

Beer Garden Bags League at 6pm $1.50 Old Style Pints $2.00 Margaritas

WED 9/14

15 Cent WINGS 9pm -? $1.50 Miller High Life Bottles $1.50 Keystone Light Taps $2 Long Island Iced teas (5 flavors) $2 Jäger Bombs

312 VIBE NIGHT on WOMPDOWN WEDNESDAY featuring SPACE POLICE, CARLOS HERNANDEZ, MICKEY KARBAL and DJ ROSSKID MiM0SA and MartyParty ticket giveaways! $5 Mugs available for purchase with $3 refills! $1 Cover

SENIOR NIGHT featuring Bottle Service $2 UV Vodka $2 Malibu Rum $2 Bud Light Bottles Bottle Service Available To Book - Call 217-722-9000 or CochraneParty@gmail.com

Salsa & Tango! Tango from 8-10, Salsa Music All Night Long!

Free Pool $2 Domestic Bottles & Drafts $4 Domestic Pitchers


Eat it Up. Work it Off.

Get your grub on at the grocery store downstairs, and get your swell on at our state-of-the-art fitness center.

Oh, we’re just getting started. Amazing Location. Theater Room. Club Room. Two-Story Wireless Atrium Lounge. Bicycle and Scooter Storage. Convenient Grocery Store. Fully-furnished Apartments. Fitness Center. Tanning.

The BarGrid Page 2 of 3

217.239.2310 | burnham310.com | 310 E. Springfield

Greystar Illinois Management, LLC

Green Street Café 35 E. Green Street

SPECIAL NIGHT

SATURDAY: JACK DANIELS BIRTHDAY We are giving away lots of Jack Gear plus a Jack Birthday Cake & More! Come Celebrate Jack's Birthday!

SUNDAY: Open at 11am Full Menu Available for Bears game Somebody's going to Vegas just for watching the Bears!

FRI & SAT: $10 Large Pizzas after 10pm

WED 9/07

Minute to Win It Win Big Prizes Every Week SHOT & MUG NIGHT! $1.50 SHOTS $5 for Your first Mug & Draft $2 Bud Refills - $3 312 Refills $3 Jack Daniels $2.50 UV Cake Vodka

$3 Jack Daniels $3 Bacardi + Red Bulls

$3 Jager Bombs Check out the new improvements to our Dance Bar

$1.50 Domestics $1.75 Wells $2.00 Imports

THURS 9/08

NFL Season Kickoff $1 Natty Light DRAFTS Green Bay vs New Orleans 7pm Win Tailgate Gear!

Pyramid Productions DJ Matrix Spinning 10 to Close $3.50 Miller Light and Bud Light 60oz pitchers $2 Domestic Bottles $3 Cherry Bombs

$3 Sangria $3 Sweet Tea Vodka

1/2 Price Burgers $4 Cups of Shots $2 Blue Moons

$3 Fat Tire Drafts $3 Bacardi Flavors

FRI 9/09

College Football Friday #21 Missouri vs Ariz. State $5 Bud Light 40's $3.99 Haus Fries All Day

$3 Strong Islands $4 Double Vodka Wells

$2 Miller Bottles $3 Dr's Shots $3 Captian & Coke $4 Oh Yeah's

The Perfect Place for the CUBS, SOX, and CARDS GAMES!

$2 Red Headed Sluts $6 Coors Light Pitchers Enjoy the beer garden while we still can

$10 Large Pizzas after 10pm

SAT 9/10

GAMEDAY - Open at 9am Serving Firehaus Breakfast ILLINI vs North Dakota St 11am Watch Every Game Here! JACK DANIELS BIRTHDAY We are giving away lots of Jack Gear plus a Jack Birthday Cake & More!

$3 Wells $4 Top Shelf $4 Double Whisky Wells

$2 Domestic Bottles $3 Dr's Shots $3 Bacardi Drinks $4 Oh Yeah's

The Perfect Place to GETAWAY!

1/2 Price Burgers 11am - 9pm Unofficial Tailgate at Joe's $2 Jager Barrels

$10 Large Pizzas after 10pm

SUN 9/11

BEARS vs FALCONS Noon Win a Bears Jersey! $2 ANYTHING IN THE HOUSE $3.99 for 10 Firehaus Wings SNF: Jets vs Cowboys 7pm

$2 U-Call-It $3 Top Shelf

$6 Late Night Food Specials

$1 12oz Drafts $2 Well Drinks $3 Call Drinks $4 Signature Drink

Come watch all the games! $2.50 Import Bottles

Bears Season Opener at Noon Win a 3 day stay in Vegas during the 4th Quarter

Come Watch Some Games! $2 Domestics Bottles $2 Wells

MON 9/12

Monday Night Doubleheader 1/2 Priced Appetizers 4pm-9pm Miami vs New England 6pm Oakland vs Denver 9pm $1.50 Fatty Natty Bottles $15 Bud Light Hydrants

$.50 Pizza Slices (8pm to Midnight) $8 Pizza & a Pitcher $4 Pitchers $3 Double Spiced Rum Wells $6 Late Night Food Specials

$1 Draft Refills, Miller and Bud light $2 Rum and Coke's $3 Rumplemintz $4 Strong Islands

1/2 Price Sandwiches $2 Purple Kamikazes MNJ!

$1.50 High Life Drafts!

TUES 9/13

Firehaus FISH RACES Win Big Prizes Every Week! $2.99 Ch. Burger & Chips (4-9) $2.50 Bacardi Oak & Coke $2.50 Pinnacle Whipped Vodka $2.50 Wells, $6 Sharkbowls $6 Bud Light Pitchers

$1 Chicken Strips & $.50 Wings (8pm to Midnight) $2 Tequila Shots $3 Double Vodka Wells $4 Patron $6 Late Night Food Specials

Karaoke Night $2 Domestic Bottles $3 Dbl Vodka/RB $3 Marky Bomb's $4 Peach Long Beaches

$4 Long Island Iced Teas $2 Wells

1/2 Price Burgers $2 Jello Shots 8th Grade Dance Party

1/2 Price Tuesdays 1/2 Price Pool and Miller Lite Drafts ALL DAY LONG and 1/2 Price Large Pizza (after 6pm)

WED 9/14

DOWNTOWN

Minute to Win It Win Big Prizes Every Week SHOT & MUG NIGHT! $1.50 SHOTS $5 for Your first Mug & Draft $2 Bud Refills - $3 312 Refills $3 Jack Daniels $2.50 UV Cake Vodka

Karaoke Bomb Night $2.50 Ice Bombs $3 Jager& Vegas Bombs $4 Bacardi& Car Bombs $6 Late Night Food Specials

Open Mic Night $2.50 Corona's $2.50 Jager Bombs $3 Strong Islands $4 Oh Yeah's $4 ICB's

$3 Jack Daniels $3 Bacardi + Red Bulls

1/2 Price Hot Dogs Try Any of 16 New Hot Dogs $3 Jager Bombs

$1.50 Domestics $1.75 Wells $2.00 Imports

EVERY DAY: $1 Kamikazes $1.25 High Life Drafts $3 Jager Bombs $5 Pitchers of High Life

1/2 Price Hookahs at GSC2

Karaoke Bomb Night $2.50 Ice Bombs $3 Jager& Vegas Bombs $4 Bacardi& Car Bombs $6 Late Night Food Specials

Open Mic Night $2.50 Corona's $2.50 Bombs OPEN MICJager Night $3 Islands $2.50Strong Corona $4 Oh Yeah's $2.50 Jager Bombs $4 ICB's $3 Strong Islands

Live Band & Open Mic Night! $1 Miller Lite Bottles $3 Double Rum Wells $6 Late Night Food Specials

$6 Late Night Food Specials

$6 Late Night Food Specials

Special Night

MONDAY: 1/2 Price Apps After 5PM

Happy Hour $1 off all Appetizers Free Pool Fromand ½ off all Hookah’s (at GSC2) from 6-8 every day. $2 Miller Lite and Coors Free pool during happy hour!!! 6-8 Daily Light Drafts 35 E. Green Street

Wednesday

$4 ICB’s

1/2 Price Apps After 5PM $2 Miller Lite and Coors Light Drafts


Free Late-Night Shuttle? We Got That, Too. FREE WEEKEND SHUTTLE FROM 10:30PM-2:30AM TO DOWNTOWN AND CAMPUSTOWN

WE’VE GOT WHAT YOU NEED! • Resort-Style Pool • Free Tanning Beds • Fitness Center • Washer/Dryer

• Individual Bathrooms • Pet Friendly • On-site maintenance

2001 Moreland Blvd | (217) 344-8800 | uvchampaign.com

The BarGrid Page 3 of 3

KAM'S Ride the Rail Every Tuesday

WED: LOGO GLASS DAY! $5.00 Pitchers of Hamm's or PBR $2.00 Skyy Vodka Singles $4.00 Wild Turkey Doubles $2.00 Rum Chata Shots $2.00 Burst Shots

SATURDAY: Bacardi presents... CLUB 211 FREE Glowsticks Blacklights - Lights Out!

WEDNESDAY: I Love the 90s with DJ Mingram $2 Import Bottles $3 Jager Bombs

FRI: Illini Contraband Live at 8pm $7.50 Margarita Pitchers $2 Coronas No Cover! Open at 6PM!

SPECIAL NIGHT

Bud's Wild Wednesday Bud Girls! $1.50 Bud You Call Its Drafts & Bottles $2.50 Bacardi $3.50 Vodka & Bam

School of Beer No Cover

LOGO GLASS DAY! $5.00 Pitchers of Hamm's/PBR $2.00 Skyy Vodka Singles $4.00 Wild Turkey Doubles $2.00 Rum Chata Shots $2.00 Burst Shots

Red Lion HOGWARTS NIGHT $2 BOMB SHOT MENU $2 Butterbeer Pints $6 Butterbeer Pitchers $4 Cruzan Rum Cauldrons

I Love the 90s with DJ Mingram $2 Import Bottles $3 Jager Bombs

White Horse Karaoke! $7.50 Rum and Coke Pitchers

WED 9/07

KLUB KAM'S w/ DJ John Han $3.50 UV & BAM $2 Lite Bottles $1 MHL Bottles $3 Revel Stoke

Mustache Night Get your limited edition mustache glass No Cover

$2.00 Specialty Pints $2.00 Specialty Bottles $6.50 Killians and Leine Pitchers $2.25 Jim Beam Singles $4.50 Bacardi and Mailbu Dbls $2.50 Rum Chata Shots $2.50 Dr. McGillicuddy Shots

SHACKER NIGHT $2 Bud Family Bottles $2 UV Vodka $3 SoCo Lime Shots $5 24oz UV Shackers $6 Red Bull Super Shackers

SPIN CITY $2 U-CALL-IT

$7.50 Whiskey Coke Pitchers $3 Jim Beam $3 Jack Daniels

THURS 9/08

The ABSOLUT Party Illini Pregame $4 BAM Drinks $2.75 24oz Lite Cans $3 Jameson & Malibu

$2 Miller Light Bottles $4 Double Amaretto $4 Double Malibu No cover

$2.00 Killians and Leine Pints $7.00 Bud, Bud Light, Coor's Light, and Miller Lite Pitchers $4.50 Wild Turkey and Skyy Vodka Doubles $2.50 Murphy's Pub Irish Stout Pints $2.50 Rum Chata Shots $2.50 Burst Shots

$1 FATTY NATTY'S! 12oz Natty Light Bottles! $3 Vegas Bombs $3 Svedka Vodka $3 Jim Beam Whiskey

Party at the Best Looking Bar in Town!

Illini Contraband Live at 8pm $7.50 Margarita Pitchers $2 Coronas No Cover! Open at 6PM!

FRI 9/09

DVDJ UNIQUE Live from Miami! IL vs. S. Dakota State 11am Open at 7AM-$3 22oz Drafts $8 Double 4 Rebels Vodka Free Shuttle to the Game!

$2 Coors Light $4 Double Whiskey $4 Double Bacardi Drinks No cover

Game Day Open at 8am!

Dance, Baby Dance Chicago-style DJs and More

GAMEDAY Open at 8am $2.50 U Call It $3 Jaeger Bombs

SAT 9/10

Bears vs. Atlanta at Noon QUARTER BEERS!

$3 Any Draft $2.50 Coronas

$2.00 Specialty Pints & Bottles $5.50 Bud, Bud Light, Coor's Light, and Miller Lite Pitchers $2.00 Well Singles $4.00 Sobieski Vodka and Sweet Tea Vodka Doubles $2.00 Rum Chata Shots $2.00 Burst Shots

$2 U CALL IT featuring Wells & Domestic Bottle

WANT TO REALLY IMPRESS THEM? BOOK THE BEST PLACE IN TOWN 359-SOMA (7662)

Come in and find out what's going on! Maybe the Bears are playing...

SUN 9/11

Celeb DJ Party! $1 Bottles, $3 Pitchers GRAB-A-FATTY $1 Wells, $2 Bottles $2 Energy Drinks

Beer Lovers Night $2 Domestic Bottles and Drafts $2.50 Specialty Bottles and Drafts

$1.75 Domestic Pints $2.75 Premium Pints $2.00 Manager's Special $4.00 Wild Turkey and Skyy Vodka Doubles

Monday Night Football $1 U CALL IT Free Pizza At Halftime Win an XBOX 360 $2 Red Bull Vodka's $3 Bud Light Pitchers

BOOKING PRIVATE PARTIES, EXCHANGES, IMPROMPTUS, AND SEMI-FORMALS NOW... 359-SOMA (7662)

Euchre Tournament! $1 Miller Lite $ Coors Light Pints

MON 9/12

Ride the Rail No Cover

$6.00 Hamm's Logo Pitcher $4.00 Refills $2.00 Sobieski Vodka Singles $4.00 Well Doubles $2.00 Oldstyle and Schlitz Tall Boys and Natty Fatties $2.00 Rum Chata Shots $2.00 Dr. McGillicuddy Shots

BARN DANCE TUESDAYS! Live DJ Playing Country Music Bring your empty Camelback! $1.50 FATTY NATTY BOTTLES $2 Wild Turkey Whiskey $2 American Honey Lemonades $2 Malibu Rum

CALL NOW! DATES ARE FILLING UP FAST!!! 359-SOMA (7662)

DAS BOOT! $5 Refills ANY DRAFT!!

TUES 9/13

School of Beer No Cover

LOGO GLASS DAY! $5.00 Pitchers of Hamm's/PBR $2.00 Skyy Vodka Singles $4.00 Wild Turkey Doubles $2.00 Rum Chata Shots $2.00 Burst Shots

Red Lion HOGWARTS NIGHT $2 BOMB SHOT MENU $2 Butterbeer Pints $6 Butterbeer Pitchers $4 Cruzan Rum Cauldrons

I Love the 90s with DJ Mingram $2 Import Bottles $3 Jager Bombs

White Horse Karaoke! $7.50 Rum and Coke Pitchers

WED 9/14

SATURDAY: DVDJ UNIQUE Live from Miami! IL vs. S. Dakota State 11am Open at 7AM-$3 22oz Drafts $8 Double 4 Rebels Vodka Free Shuttle to the Game!

COUNTRY NIGHT! $3.50 Double Jim Beam $4.50 Double Pucker $1.50 Lite Drafts Come Get Cowboy Hats! Bud's Wild Wednesday Bud Girls! $1.50 Bud You Call Its Drafts & Bottles $2.50 Bacardi $3.50 Vodka & Bam

GAMEDAY Watch the Illini Game Here! Saturday Night: CLUB 211 Free Glowsticks Blacklights-Lights Out!


SO MUCH

SPACE YOU WON’T

HEAR THE

COMMOTION ! p u n e t s i l

• 1, 2, 3 & 4 bedroom apartments and townhomes. • Individual bathrooms in all bedrooms. • Resort style swimming pool • Free internet, cable, water, trash and parking.

• Two shuttles to U of I campus, including late night weekend service. • Washer & dryers in every apartment. • 24 hour fitness center & spa with free tanning. • Pet friendly!

Text "COLBE 47464 for Sp RT" to ecials!

(217) 353.6800 / www.villagecp.com


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S E R U T C I P K E E W E OF TH

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Bartenders of the

Week

Chris kam's

Major: Communication Relationship Status: Single When you looked in the mirror first thing this morning, what was the first thing you thought? Who’s that girl behind me? What’s the worst sex position you’ve ever tried? It involved a 9 iron, ice cubes, a stuffed buffalo... that’s all the detail I want to go into. If you could be doing anything right now (besides bartending) what would it be? Male prostitution If you could go down on anyone, who would it be and why? The interviewer, she’s hot. What’s the most embarrassing thing you’ve had happen to you on the job? A manager’s sister came in with my shorts from the night before. Last time you touched yourself? 3 minutes before this interview. Best night to bartend? Saturday Night, with the dream team. Favorite drink to drink? Triple 4 Rebels on the rocks with a lemon wedge. When did you stop bathing with your siblings? Wait, people don’t do that anymore? What does your mother wear to bed? A smile, my pops treats her right.

drinking game:

Getting Toasted Nothing like cheering to everyone’s favorite sport: drinking. Here here, delicious puke juice, you’ve been with us through good times and bad! Number of Players: At least four. What You Need: Buds and suds, man. Intoxication Level: You’ll be French kissing some French toast. How to Play: - Participants sit at a table. - A randomly assigned toastmaster begins the game by standing, raising their glass in the air and saying, “A toast, a toast to ___(one word)___!” The Toastmaster must quickly sit down. - The player to the left of the toastmaster must then stand, hold his glass in the air and say “A toast, a toast to ___(Toastmaster’s word)___ ___(New word)___!” The new word must begin with the last letter of the Toastmaster’s word. That player must quickly sit down. - For example, if the Toastmaster’s word was “apple,” the 2nd player’s word would have to begin with an “e.” A sample would be, “A toast, a toast to apple elephant!” -This continues—with each player standing up, raising their glass and adding a new word that starts with the last letter of the previous word—until one player makes a mistake. - If a player does not stand up or raise their glass, this counts as a mistake. - The player that makes a mistake must drink one drink for each word in the toast. - The player that makes a mistake becomes the new Toastmaster. The Game Ends When: Someone toasts to toast.

thirsty for more? theblacksheeponline.com/drinkage

John

clybourne

Major: Religious Studies Relationship Status: Open Shotgun, Kegstand, Bong, or Straight Chug? All of ‘em in a row. If you could create a holiday, what would it be? National celebration of April 20th. Favorite drinking game? Flippy Cup Best song to give/receive a lap dance to? “Tip Drill” by Nelly Where did you lose your virginity? In my car If you were a worm, how long would you be? Wait a sec, I have to measure my leg. Superpower? X-ray vision What’s the longest word you can spell? "Cunnilingus" Have you named any of your body parts? “The Cannon” Who’s your favorite Scooby Doo character and why? Shaggy, we have a lot in common. What is one talent most people don’t know that you have? Super intellect Porn name? Barkley Charles

recipe for disaster:

Chili-Cheese Frito Wraps

When the going gets tough the going gets hungry, but no one wants to go anywhere. Luckily this recipe can be made with some blurry vision walking into a convenience store and around $10. What You’ll Need: Chili, queso, Chili-Cheese Fritos, hot sauce, flour tortillas. Cook Time: No more than 10 minutes. Fatty Factor: The “recession weight” really starts to sneak up on you! Let’s Get Baked: - Put the chili in a pan on the stove-top, and cook until warm (about 5 minutes). - While that’s cooking, put some queso in a bowl and stick that in the microwave to warm up, about 3 minutes. - Once those are both warm, stick the tortilla in the microwave just to warm it a bit. - Once warmed, put a couple spoonfuls of chili and queso in the tortilla. - Lightly crush up a palm-full of Chili-Cheese Fritos and put those on top. - Garnish with hot sauce. - Roll up like a burrito and starting nomming. If you’re feeling fanciful, add any of these variations; jalapenos, Tabasco sauce, banana peppers, black olives, onions, sour cream, or tequila. You know, anything to make your butthole hate you more in the morning.



18

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TOP TEN

People You Meet at Bars

10. The Fat Girl I hate to call her out right away, but it’s gotta be done. She’s the girl who came in freshman year, hit up Fat Sandwich twice a weekend, and never found time to visit the ARC. My advice? Run over, pull on those chipmunk cheeks of hers, and get her on the dance floor because baby got back... and a few rolls, which are always helpful after a night of heavy drinking. 9. The Call Out The one person that makes you roll your eyes with everything that comes out of their mouth. Always looking for a fight or a reason to show off in front of a crowd, they’ll flip shit if you accidentally spill a drop of your drink on their foot. Calm down, you party-foul-know-it-all. It’s just beer. Suck it up.

In The Mind of A Stand-Up Comedian Dr. Michael Benson wrote this It is comedy night at Memphis on Maine. A young comedian who goes by the name of “Carrot Mop” is preparing to take the stage. The air is filled with cheap whiskey and pedophilia jokes. A comedian’s dream. However, what is happening inside the mind of this young jest? You might be surprised, as the inner workings of the comic mind are not always filled with merriment and inappropriate rape humor. There is sometimes much, much more going on: Remember, old Carrot Mop, if you start to lose them just bring out the Holocaust and pedophilia jokes. The big guns. Oh look, Jimmy D. is just finishing up his set. That guy is such a humorless dick. I have the same amount of talent in the tip of my penis than that guy has in his whole person. Heh, I like that! I should work that into my routine, I don’t talk about penises enough, I need to work on that. Jimmy D. leaves the stage and approaches our young Carrot Mop. “Uh-oh! That is NOT my Jimmy D! Hah, hah, my good man, you killed it!” What a fucking idiot. I wish that guy was dead. Never mind, though, they’re about to call my name! Just remember, old Mop, make fun of pedophilia and genocide, pedophilia and genocide. I can’t mess this up, people love hearing about that kind of stuff! “Ladies and gentleman, give a nice, warm, tender, sexual hand to our next comedian, Carrot Mop! Speaking of which, I like to give a hand to little boys whenever possible!” Audience laughs. “But, only when I’m thinking about the Holocaust!” Audience laughs even harder. HE JUST STOLE MY WHOLE ACT! What am I going to do!? I’m the genocide and pedophilia guy! That’s what I do! That was my act! Okay, think Carrot Mop, from watching a lot of Comedy Central Presents comedians, what gets the biggest laughs? Well, I guess anything that grossly and unnecessarily offends someone. Let’s see, oh! 9/11 and abortion! That’s it, 9/11 and abortion, 9/11 and abortion... Audience stares blankly at Carrot Mop as he stands absentmindedly off stage. “Carrot Mop, come on the damn stage.” Oh yeah, right. Carrot Mop runs up on stage with a nervous smile. “Hey, uh, you crazy whacky... folks!” Silence. “Umm, did you hear my name was Carrot Mop?” Silence. “Like Carrot Top.” Silence.

“Well you’ve probably never heard of him. Anyway, he’s a big influence on me. Anyways, does anyone here remember 9/11?” Audience, not knowing if it was a rhetorical question, sends mixed answers of “yes” and forced chuckles. “Yeah, well, I wasn’t hurt in 9/11, because I was too busy giving... AN ABORTION!” An audience member yells out, “You suck!” to which everyone in the audience laughs. Not hearing the heckler, the foolish Carrot Mop thinks they are all laughing at his joke. Man, that joke killed! Time to bring out the prime material. “So I was joking with my friend about the Holocaust the other day when...” The audience sends out a barrage of “Boos” at our friendly protagonist. He turns around to shed a few tears. His Holocaust jokes were always funny to his high friends, these people just didn’t understand. He felt alone, alone in a sea of anti-Holocaust and pedophilia sentiment. The audience watched in silence as Carrot Mop wept for a full three minutes. Not wanting to speak out of both the awkwardness of the situation and also the sheer humanity and depravity of the disturbed, childlike man weeping on stage. Okay, old Mop, the tears are out. Remember what Dad used to say: No tears means no fears. We got one chance to win them back, but it will take a bit of thievery. They will never know. “So, the other day I had the itchiest asshole...” The audience, caught off guard by this line, gives a chuckle. This gives Carrot Mop a bit of courage. He continues. “Heh, yeah! That’s funny! And, uh, yeah, I was also planning on getting a pet monkey so I, uh, could fight it in battle!” Now laughing with a decent fervor, the audience wonders where this comedian came up with such fresh material. “Alright! Yeah! I, uh, also was planning on buying a cement truck to drive around. And, uh, I work at Burger King and call it the BK Lounge!” Leaving the audience in a fit of laughter, our triumphant comedian exits the stage victorious. As he meets with his fellow stand-ups, he lies and says he loved their sets. He hates them, and they hate him. They knew he had won the night. As he leaves after a few drinks, he pauses for but one moment. Patting himself on the back, he whispers, “Great work, Mr. Dane Cook...” Maybe I can start using my real name now that I’ve had a good show... Who knows, it may be time to hang up the old Carrot Mop for now. As he leaves to watch The George Lopez Show which he had taped on his VCR.

8. The Couple They walk in together, dance together, drink together, leave together. I’m not hatin’ on a solid monogamous relationship here, but come on! Stop acting like leeches and give it a little space. If you came out tonight to Eskimo kiss and cuddle in the corner, you could have done that back in your apartment over a box of chocolates and a Netflix movie. Get the fuck out of my way. I’m here to drink. 7. The Picture-Taker She’s your own personal strobe light. She feels that she has to chronicle every event of the night because, let’s face it; she isn’t going to remember anything in the morning. She takes shots from all angles, chucking up deuces, making kissy faces, and eventually hands off the camera for a picture or two so she can get her whole rockin’ bod in it. Totes Facebook material. 6. The Blackout Glazed over eyes, sweaty skin, giddy smile, swaying back and forth like a human pendulum, and, of course, the mumbo-jumbo gibberish that they believe is English. There’s always one in every group of friends who goes a bit too hard. Keep at least a 15-foot radius because you don’t want to be in the danger zone when the projectile comes. 5. The Dancer A bar is a raging oasis of cute outfits, horny college kids, and vodka Sprites. With a little alcoholic confidence, you won’t be far from your own America’s Next Best Dance Crew throwdown. The dancer doesn’t give a shit about drama during the night, they’re just looking to grind on some hotties and hopefully get it in by the end of the night. (And they will) 4. The Birthday Girl She’s usually out with The Dancer and The Picture-Taker. You can hear them coming from miles away, like a trio of drunken jubilance. She usually has some cutesy little crown on or a pink sash draped across her honkers that are ready to burst out of their cage. Her goal for the night is simple: get trashed but keep it classy. Sorry honey but those words don’t mix. Enjoy your birthday shots! 3. The Creep This guy is always the thing you remember most about a night out. “Dude, did you see that guy grinding on Megan? He totally reeks of leftover tacos and piss.” He’s old, stinky, ugly, way too intoxicated, or just plain weird. You’ll spend at least 35% of your night watching this sicko make his move on every single girl at the bar. College entertainment at its finest. 2. The Slut There’s always one. Or three. About 95% of the girls that go to bars are just looking to wrangle up a decent looking guy so they don’t have to sleep alone. They wear their tightest skirts, sexiest heels, and most hooker-esque make-up. No doubt the boys will come a-runnin’. She means business so if you’re not gonna put out, you’re better off just leaving her alone. But then again, what guy is really gonna turn her down? 1. The Wing Man He’s easily the best person that you’ll ever meet out. All you ladies searching for your knight in shining armor, he’s your man. Next time, ignore the douchebag hitting on anything with tits that breathes and find this fella instead. Nice guys finish last, dude, but they do finish. You’ll get your day.

Katelyn “KittyKat” Lilly wrote this


19

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How to Keep Your Tan for the rest of the semester lenz wrote this With classes starting and students spending an increased amount of time in dark classrooms on sunshine-y days, the tanning battle of fall semester is approaching. Are you prepared for a serious infestation of pasty people? Are you willing to give up your dignity in the glamour department for a more blinding birthday suit? If you answered “No” to these questions, you are not alone. Because while the weak opt for tanning beds, the rest of us levelheaded, cancer-fearing, white kids need to find sensible solutions. Fear not, my presently bronzed friends, here’s some ways to combat pasty and stay strong with the sun-kissed crowd. Eat baby carrots. At every meal. Coupling eating with any kind of remedy seems like it has to be a win, am I right? If it works for Gerber babies, it will work for us. Yeah, this method could take you to borderline orange, but at least it’s natural. And orange is still better than transparent. “You are what you eat” is a super-factual saying. So, if you want to be tan, eat tan. Invest in a spray tanning booth with your friend Memberships to tanning salons are so '98. Channel your inner entrepreneur and invest in some spray tan equipment with a friend. That way you can profit, jump start your new business savvy life and tangibly impact the masses with group sprays. This is an excellent option for pale crowd control (voluntary or not). I suggest inviting over the real Caspers and not-so-friendly on the eyes pale guys for a casual get together in your dorm. Lock the door. Spray. Spray. Repeat. Then charge them straight cash, homey. Wear clothes to create an optical illusion A lot of animals use camouflage techniques to change their appearance. So, acting on your inner chameleon, using clothing to

hide your paleness can be a fun and animalistic option. Opting for orange can be a great game plan for us Illini kids. After all, it already takes over a ludicrous amount of our wardrobes and has great reflective glow properties. Or you could try something metallic, such as a space suit or Dr. Evil outfit, to channel your inner aerospace engineer and blind the onlookers. In conclusion: When in doubt, bring your camo out. Live your life on the quad Nothing says bronzed Native American like being one with nature all day long. Living your life on the quad is an adventurous way to soak up maximum rays. If you go this route you should probably also consider expanding your outdoor skill set (i.e start rope walking, jousting, etc) so you can impress people while you frizzle fry: Random Student A: “Hey who is this interesting man that’s always on the quad?” Random Geed B: “I don’t know but he is bronzed, skilled, and beautiful; I would like to domesticate him as my boyfriend.” Accept your transparent fate Maybe we should all accept our skin tone as it is, pasty or orange. With the vampire-heartthrob epidemic in full swing, this is the season for Fair Frans and Pasty Pats anyways. I’m not fully convinced that pale is the new sexy, but let’s just keep telling ourselves that. If you’re really feeling ballsy, maybe pair the fair skin with some red hot lipstick and jet black hair. Nothing says “sexy vampire” like some fierce color contrast on your dome. So there you have it, my pasty amigos. Whichever route you take, remember that the most important thing to do is to have fun. Even if you can’t keep that tan throughout the cold winter, there is always summer right around the corner for all your Oompa Loompa needs!

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20

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the movie page Based on the Trailer

Apollo 18 MIKE BENSON saw this and gave it a...

Director:

A-

Gonzalo López-Gallego

Contagion

Sept. 9th

Starring: Marion Cotillard, Matt Damon, Laurence Fishburne. What You Need to Know: An infectious diseases threatens humanity, lots of humanity. In fact, there’s a bunch of different kinds of families that get infected, even the beautiful (Jude Law), white (Kate Winslet), blonde (Gwyneth Paltrow) families. This is their story, and they get really weird. What We Think: So this is exactly like 28 Days Later and 28 Weeks Later and I Am Legend and, well, kind of like Zombieland too if you really think about it. But wouldn’t it be absolutely ridiculous if this kind of think actually happened? Yeah, that’s what we think too, which is why we will see this movie.

Drive

Sept. 16th

Starring: Ryan Gosling, Albert Brooks, Carey Mulligan What You Need to Know: Ryan Gosling plays a driver; an innocent stuntman during the day, a getaway car drive during the night. He falls in love with his neighbor (Carey Mulligan), but, uh oh, her ex-convict hubby is just getting out of jail. What We Think: We think Ryan Gosling can do no wrong. But besides from being perfect and sexy, Gosling looks like he does an awesome job as a badass pseudo-criminal. Between the love story and the high-speed car scenes, guys will be begging to take their girlfriend’s to see this film and vice versa.

I Don’t Know How She Does It

Sept. 16th

Starring: Sarah Jessica Parker, Pierce Brosnan, Greg Kinnear What You Need to Know: Based on the bestseller by the same name, Sarah Jessica Parker plays a busy city mom trying to juggle work, a marriage and children. Her husband (Kinnear) finally gets a job (damn recession!), and life gets a lot harder…somehow. What We Think: Oh, so sad, a busy working mother who doesn’t have enough time to spend with her husband and kids, works for a demanding prick, and has wandering eyes for a sexy co-worker (whom she probs ends up at least making out with)? Like, come on; her and every other mother in this country. How does she do it? With Adderall, Xanax and liquor, that’s how.

Starring:

Nobody! (This is real found footage, didn't you know?)

Synopsis:

Pretty much the plot to David Bowie’s 1969 classic, “Space Oddity.” Every critic seems to hate Apollo 18, and I understand a lot of the reasons why. Yes, the whole “found footage” gimmick is getting to be really annoying. However, I feel the whole “found footage” gimmick to have always been really annoying. The only time it has ever worked was in The Blair Witch Project, only because the events, which transpired in that film, could absolutely have happened in real life. To be honest, the first time I saw it I thought it was true, and it scared the shit out of me. However, with the new resurgence of this style of filmmaking, beginning with Paranormal Activity, the filmmakers are taking it way too far. Of course the people in Paranormal Activity weren’t killed by an evil demon: Evil demons don’t exist, and neither do aliens on the moon. Of course Apollo 18 isn’t real footage. Everybody knows this. The filmmaker knows that you know this. So, why put it in there? Helps with ticket sales, obviously. However, while any film that is made for mass audiences is going to be awful, Apollo 18, which includes the “found footage” angle for exactly this reason, doesn’t seem like it was made for mass audiences. The main point a lot of critics are blasting Apollo 18 for is that the plot moves too slowly. But if you ask me, the plot doesn’t move slow enough. The reason for this is

on DVD

that Apollo 18, at its heart, is a science fiction movie, not a horror film. While this may seem like an extremely picky assessment, it is the reason for a lot of critics to call the plot “pointlessness” or “boring.” Because the biggest strength Apollo 18 has in grasping the attention of the audience is the sheer vastness and emptiness of the setting. On the moon, there is no rescue, no margin for error, and, most importantly, there is not supposed to be anyone else up there. Personally, the idea of being on the moon and seeing something else up there when there shouldn’t be is one of the most terrifying things I could imagine (next to spiders planting eggs in my brain and getting run over by a steamroller). Apollo 18 should have taken you on a slow journey through the loneliness and emptiness of the moon. The horror is in knowing that nobody is there, as opposed to something being there. Make no mistake, though, Apollo 18 does include a lot of this idea. For most of the film, you do not see anything supernatural; it is just astronauts being trapped up on the moon. However, towards the end it tries too hard to be a run-of-the-mill horror film, with cheap, “jumpy” scares and some of the most atrociously stupid “villains” in any movie. It moves fast and jerky like a horror, when it should take its time and rely on the disturbing nature of isolated space for its scares.

found footage flicks

While the “found footage” angle is stupid and doesn’t add anything to the story, it also doesn’t take anything away. If one were to cut the opening and closing credits, which explain that it was real footage, and kept everything in the middle, it would have played fine as typical release. If anything, the first person/handheld cameras help create the effect of isolation. Apollo 18 is two thirds of an amazing movie. Those two thirds include a group of astronauts who find themselves trapped on the moon, a fate worse than death, and worst of all, there is clearly some other larger mystery going on. The one third of the movie that’s bad is that part where they encounter the horrible, dangerous computer-generated monsters and battle them in an action-packed finale! The most horrifying part of this film was a scene in which the astronauts discover a Russian spacecraft not far from their camp along with its deceased pilot. How did it get there? How long has it been there? What happened to them? Is there something bigger going on? These questions create real tension and horror in a thriller. It’s the mystery that’s so frightening, not the computer generated aliens. Apollo 18 contains many scenes like this, and a lot of it is truly disturbing stuff. Although it has its flaws, Apollo 18 is the best time I’ve had at the theater in a long time.

answers are a few from here

September 6: X-Men: First Class Scream 5 Community: Season 2 Hanna Hellbound: Hellraiser II September 13: Star Wars: Complete Sage in Blu-Ray Thor Glee: Season 2 Grey's: Season 7

This film focuses on a giant monster attacking New York City...

This freaky movie involves a TV reporter and her cameraman being trapped in an apartment building...

This movie only caught spooky acts on hidden camera, never any sex. Weird?

This movie was in reaction to the Columbine killings and follows a couple students...


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Kids These Days

the interview

21

Kids These Days are a bunch of rapscallions from the fine city of Chicago that just so happen to be in a band. Their eclectic style, a mix of soul, hip-hop, jam and funk, made us want to talk to them. Macie, the lady lead, obliged. The Black Sheep: So I know the band is all relatively young, but how old are you? Macie Stewart: I’m 18. TBS: And how old is the oldest person in the band? Macie: I think 19? TBS: That makes me sad. When and how did you guys start getting together? Macie: Well, a few of us went to high school together, and some of us—not me, unfortunately-- went to the Merit School of Music and enjoyed playing music together, so they decided to start a band. They brought in me and [rapper] Vic, because we had all gone to school together. The band started there. TBS: How does a band so young write songs that evoke emotion, when, frankly, you’re lacking a lot of the life experiences your peers have? Macie: Personally, I write ambiguous lyrics drawn from my own experiences, while Vic

editorial >>>

Ken Halvachs wrote this

Where Are They Now? Carlton “C-Note” Banks Carlton Banks lived a privileged life in the town of Bel-Air due to his father, Philip Banks’, wealthy fortune as a successful lawyer and honorable judge. Carlton’s pampered lifestyle made him socially awkward and a constant source of ridicule by his peers. This may have been the root of some of the deeper personal issues later in Carlton’s life, including a downward spiral of drugs and eventual rise as a criminal mastermind. Carlton reached what was the peak of his legitimate life when he managed to successfully transfer into his father’s alma mater of Princeton University from the University of Los Angeles. However, his successful transfer was shrouded with doubt as transferring into Princeton is nearly impossible. Questions revolving around the Banks’ family fortune and influence being used for Carlton’s admittance began to circulate. Eventually an investigation was launched and the rumors had been revealed to be true. Carlton was removed from the University, and due to the black mark on his record, Carlton couldn’t get an associate degree from a community college, let alone an actual university. Eventually he was forced to take up working as a law clerk at his father’s firm. This new job didn’t last long, for shortly thereafter Philip and Vivian Banks were tragically killed in a car accident. After their passing, Carlton inherited a small fortune. Unfortunately, this fortune was mostly spent on liquor, cocaine, and strippers as Carlton plunged into a deep depression. In his darkest hour, Carlton turned to his best-friend and cousin Will Smith for help. Will Smith and his friend Jazz had successfully launched not only their own music career but also their own record company in the short three years after Will graduated from the University of Los Angeles. They allowed Carlton to stay with them for some time, and Carlton’s recovery from his addictions seemed somewhat promising. Unfortunately, the IRS had other plans in mind.

After a very intense investigation, what little of the Banks’ family fortune that Carlton had left was taken as he had not paid a dime of inheritance tax afer coming into his fortune. Further down on his luck, Carlton turned from cocaine to heroin and began having “escort girls” consistently called over to the Smith Mansion, all to be paid by Will and Jazz. Eventually, Will and Jazz realized there was no help for Carlton, so Jazz tossed him from the house. From there, Carlton turned to his once profitable career as a male stripper, donning Will’s former nickname for himself: C-Note... Unfortunately, due to his substance addictions, he was not able to provide services to the high-class clientele he was accustomed to, and the only work he could find was at a Dongs-R-Us in Compton. Surprisingly, it was in this dark pit that Carlton actually made something of his life as a crime lord. C-Note started out small-time. Using his contacts in the local clubs, gambling dens and coordinating the drug dealers he once purchased from, C-Note created a successful drug-selling network. He used the business savvy that he had picked up from his pampered lifestyle and time spent in universities to create a new business empire in the criminal world. While several club owners attempted to claim the new business as their own, C-Note’s contacts remained loyal, as he tipped his dealers well and he treated his hookers with respect. Currently, Carlton “C-Note” Banks happily resides in his own Bel-Air mansion, after purchasing Will and Jazz’s Record Company as his legitimate business front. He resides there with his wife, Jewel, former wife of Jazz. His former butler, Geoffrey currently handles his criminal operations in London and his sister Hilary serves as his chief liaison for his prostitution ring in Compton. Since C-Note’s purchase of the recording business, Will Smith and Jazz have never been seen or heard from.

writes his stuff based on his life, but also what he’s seen living in the city of Chicago. TBS: What have you been a part of that helped you define your vision as a musician? Macie: My mother is a musician and she—in large part—inspired me to write music. She’s good and it inspired me to write my own kind of music. Other artists like Fiona Apple and Metric inspire me to write my own lyrics instead of singing someone else’s. TBS: And with such a large band how do artistic contributions work? Like, how do you guys go about birthing a song? Macie: Sometimes someone will bring in an idea, and we’ll all build off that idea, whether it’s adding horns or a piano part. It’s really organic how we write our music, it’s not like we’re just sitting around saying, “let’s write a song!” TBS: How would you describe your band in 5 words or less.

Macie: We have our own sound. TBS: Not bad. Macie: It’s hard to describe, we all have different influences, and we bring them together to create something new. TBS: Do you ever worry that the eclectic sound you have will come off as unfocused? Macie: No, we play what we like and we play what we think sounds good. If someone thinks we’re unfocused, fuck ‘em. What we do, we do out of love. TBS: How would you describe a live show to someone who hasn’t seen you before? Macie: Crazy, lots of energy, fun and a lot of music. A party at the venue and a party on stage. Shows are the most fun part of this thing, I think. TBS: What’s the most fun show you’ve ever played? Macie: We played the Bele Chere festival in Ashville, North Carolina and it was the most fun I’ve had on stage. The crowd was just great and we were really feeling it. TBS: Do you guys hang out off-stage, or is it more of a “we’re done here, let’s all go our separate ways” kind of thing? Macie: We hang out after rehearsal, because practice is for practicing, and we like each other. TBS: Are you guys prevented from doing certain things because of your youth? Macie: I don’t think it prevents stuff, but sometimes we’ll play a 21+ venue and they’ll treat us like kids, writing huge “X”s on our hands or they won’t let us into the venue because we don’t have a 21+ ID. Shit happens, but there’s been nothing that has, like, totally held us back. TBS: If you could collaborate with any living artist, who would it be? Macie: Stevie Wonder. TBS: If you could pick a mythical creature as a pet, which would it be and why? Macie: That thing from Harry Potter, what’s it called? TBS: A Hippogriff? Macie: Yeah! TBS: If you could replace one part of your body with a robot replacement, what would you do? Macie: My legs, then I could run super-duper fast. TBS: Favorite childhood movie? Macie: Mulan.


Seek-n-Find! Can you find all 10 hidden items? If so, the first person wins 2 tickets to Santah at Canopy Club, the rest of you get a bottle opener, koozie, pen, or something else to make you happy! Hit us up at puzzles@theblacksheeponline.com and good luck!


Madlib: Worst Class Ever! 1) Class you are in. 2) Day of the week 3) Random daydream 4) Your name 5) Something hard to explain 6) Something specific to #5 7) Reason why you cut class 8) Unit of time 9) Person in class you like 10) That person’ s gender 11) What you wanted to do to them 12) Something gross 13) Your best friend 14) Stupid question 15) Made-up sexual act 16) Stupid thing to buy 17) Article of clothing

Movie Quiz

( class time )

So there you are, sitting in ___1___ just like any other ___2___. You’re spacing out, dreaming of a ___3___ when all of a sudden the classroom falls silent. Everyone turns to look at you. The professor speaks up, “___4___ I asked you to explain ___5___, can you explain why ___6___?” And this is when it hits you, skipping last week’s lecture to ___7___ was a huge mistake. ___8___ later and you’re still silent. Now ___9___, the ___10___ you were hoping to ___11___ looks at you like you’re ___12___. All you can stammer out is, “I don’t know.” It gets worse, though. Now that you’ve proved your idiocy ___13___, your best friend, piles on. “Hey dude, ___14___? What’s the ___15___? How much does a ___16___ cost?” Everyone’s laughing at you, and you even wore ___17___ to class today.

Answers

1. Cloverfield 2. Quarantine 3. Paranormal Activity 4. Zero Day


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