Illinois 9/14/11 by The Black Sheep

Volume 19, Issue 5 — 9/14/11 - 9/21/11 — www.theblacksheeponline.com

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The Kinds of Girls You Encounter during Rush lenz wrote this Rush season, PNMs in da house, hollah! For those not involved in Greek life, PNM is a fun little abbreviation that us sorostitues like to call the girls that go through rush; it stands for "Potential New Meat." From the outside, sorority recruitment looks like a bizarre cult of estrogen and teenage dreams. From the inside, you realize that is, in fact, what it is. Instead of a glamorous get together, this plethora of new girls coming into your house is more like that board game I dug up one time called “Jumanji.” You know — the game where the stampede of undomesticated animals and jungle creatures invade your house if you land on the right space. With all these rare and dangerous breeds coming to your home, it’s important to take a moment and analyze the different species before the time round runs out and the game is over. Think you’re having a good rush? Let’s take a gander and see if you've experienced all the wonders of the kingdom on a scale of 1 to worst. Averge Joe-sophina [species: Labrador] Phrase of choice: “Hi, nice to meet you.” Phew, this girl screams "normal" and baby you like it. She’s charismatic, has normal hobbies, and laughs at your jokes. She’ll make a few witty comments, to which you’ll laugh and realize: Oh shoot; I want this sister in my house right now. You will then become borderline obsessed and make a mental note to stalk her on The ‘Book later. Senior Transfer [species: Raven] Phrase of choice: “I’m probably older than you.” Oh the transfers. This visitor is awkward because her elder status means she’s not going to be impressed by the typical “sorority bullshivicks” that you feed to the rest of them and pass off as magic. This girl is wise and knows what she’s looking for. She’ll pretend to be learning from all the insightful things you say, but actually already has life figured out so you might as well save your breath. The raven’s lack of naivety makes her quite a buzz kill in the entertainment department, but she still makes for a pretty easy rush round.

Other stuff

Inside

05: the do's and don'ts of sexting a reader asked us for advice, so we hope she follows it and sends us pics.

The Name Dropper [species: Weasel] Phrase of choice: “Yea, I know that betch; we’re so tight.” ::points to picture on wall:: The weasel. She’s so happy to meet you, and even more EXCITED to tell you about the girl in your house who went to her high school! They are so BFF status and shared so many “el oh el” moments. Wait, hold that thought, she also knows a bunch of other girls in the photos! She’s clearly friends with so many people it’s like why wouldn’t you give her a bid, she’s so already in! ... (Or so she thinks). After the fact you’ll ask your friend about this PNM to which she’ll reply, “Who? Oh awkward, no we weren’t friends… pretty sure she’s a weirdo.” Fail for her. OCS Obsessive Compulsive Sister [species: Squirrel] Phrase of choice: “HIIIIIIII! So totally nice to meet you. RUSH RUSH RUSH! I could do this all day every day. Love your house – I can see myself living here – my mom was in a house at Kentucky, and I’ve been dreaming of this moment since I was in kindergarten!” Whoa sister, you need to bring that rapid boil to a simmer. This breed is quite plentiful but doesn’t really bring much to the table. Yeah, she’s kind of cute but there are about 400 more squirrels of her kind running around on campus. She’s not the worst but, at the same time, you could do without her up in your nuts and grill. The Alpha (Fe)male [species: Hyena] Phrase of choice: “Oh. I don’t have girl friends.” Welp, tell us how you really feel, sweet pea. Ballsy move saying you don’t get along with girls when you’re swimming in a sea of ovaries. Encountering this species becomes a fun personal challenge as you adjust and channel your inner bro to assure this one that you’re super chill and your house is not a real sorority. You try to win them over but secretly want to show them the door. Right. Now.

06: A Plea for McD’s Breakfast

Drunk kids love spending money, so why can’t I get a hashbrown at 3AM?

Continued on Page 19...

18: A Girl and Fantasy Football

Haha, really? Women can’t play (fake) sports.

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Table of

contents

Page 07

Page 08

Hammers are great, until they hammer your girlfriend.

here?

Page 09

Page 10

Unless they’re playing the triangle.

That’s a life barely worth living!

Know Your Tools

Drummers are Sexy:

A Blind Guy Giving A Best Man Speech See what we’re doing

Life Without A.C.:

Pages 11 - 13 The World Famous Bar Grid!

Get your drink on every day of the week, fo' real cheap.

Page 16

Bartenders of the Week Find these guys and have them serve you a body shot. Immediately.

Page 18

Top 10 Things Freshmen Should Stop Doing:

Staring at boobs should be on this list.

Page 17

Alcohol Review:

Familia Camarena tequila fought long and hard to make it to the U.S.

Page 21

We Interview: El Circo Cheapo In these tough economic times, it’s important to still be terrified of clowns.

Page 22

Broetry! Dude, this is like, deep and shit.

Meet The Staff! Managing Editor Carly Kamp copy Editor Mike Benson Advertising Manager Michelle Lenzen distribution Manager Mike Zevin Chris Bandmier Contributing Writers John Estep | John McCombs Phil Azar| Ken Halvachs Mandy Cleves | Grace Haka Hannah Johnson| Michelle Lenzen Michael Byrnes| Corey Gusstini Caitlin Chrzanowski | Katelyn Lilly Sarah Langer cartoonist Alexandra Joyce

pr manager Anastasia Guletsky Abbie Welch photographer Caitlin Chrzanowski campus director Brendan Bonham owner Atish Doshi Founders Atish Doshi & Derek Chin Questions?

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Disclaimer The Booze News & The Black Sheep in no way promotes, encourages or supports binge drinking, and/or under-age drinking. This newspaper is designed for entertainment purposes only and does not recommend attempting anything printed in this publication. Please drink...responsibly and legally. Owned & Operated By: Black Card Media, LLC P.O. Box 221385 Chicago, IL 60622 217.390.1747

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Letter to the editor

Dear Carl, Did you notice that this year’s freshman class is called the Freshman ’15? Love forever, You Dear Me, You know, I can tell by your handwriting that you are very sophisticated and exotic, and why yes, yes I did notice that this year’s freshman class is called the Freshman ’15. For about a month now I’ve been brainstorming a boss bar scramble idea for the little tykes. T-shirts would read: “Freshman ’15 No Longer a Myth” and the back would say “I’ll make a chubby chaser out of you yet,” and these are the bars they would go to and the tasks they would be forced to complete: 1. Geo’s (eat six chicken fingers) 2. Murphy’s (eat a supreme nacho dish) 3. Legends (eat a quarter pound burger) 4. Joes (eat a lobster and waffle fries) 5. Fat Sandwich (tackle the Big Fat Ugly Hans style SOLO). Only after completing my bar scramble within the 12-hour time limit will any of these farts ever earn my respect. But God, do I ever wish I were a freshman and could join them on the magnificent quest to conquer the campus that I’ve laid out for them. You know what, fuck it – I’ve gained my freshman 15, why not make it an even twenty? If anyone would care to join me for the best day ever, I will be beginning my Freshman ‘15 bar scramble this Saturday at 10AM sharp. Don’t forget to bring plenty of ranch. The key to any eating competition is plenty of lubrication (then afterwards I can take that lubrication to bed with me – mmmm hmmm). Sexy Ranch-Ignited Passion Between Us Forever, Me

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Word of the week Breach of Chrontract:

Citadels Town

So Jetsons

Submit your own word! word@theblacksheeponline.com

Definition: When a weed dealer lies about the price or quality of the marijuana he’s selling. Sentence: “When Slade told the guy he was selling chronic but it was really schwag, he was in breach of chrontract."

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SEX and the u

•

Since you’ve probably been sending naughty pictures to people ever since you were wearing Limited Too bras in middle school, you probably think you’re pretty good at sexting. Well guess what little kitten? You suck. Sexting could potentially change your life if you become really good at it. You could be that girl that always has someone blowing up her phone: in class, at the gyno, while driving, and even in your sleep. Everyone else will think that you’re just really popular and fun, but little do they know that you are little-miss-sexterson. If you want to be a cool as those dirty sexters, then there are some definite rules you must live by. Sexting Do’s: • DO use pictures of pornstars and Photoshop your face onto them. If you’re not good at editing pictures, I’m

• • •

Do's and Don'ts of Sext ing

Grace nectar wrote this

sure that guy that always asks you about that tattoo on your neck in your computer science class wouldn’t mind doing it for you! DO be in the bathroom of Silvermine to take a mirror shot. This shows that you are spur of the moment with your sexting and shows that you get really turned on by meatball subs. DO send sexts to a fraternity brother so he can FWD: them to all of his brothers. I would bet that you won’t just be Betty in Biology anymore to these guys. More like Bent-Over-Betty. Whatever, you’ll probably never know. DO shave the initials of the recipient of your text into your pubic hair to show how much you care. DO put a little insert at the end of each text that explains which accent it was meant to be read in. “Dirrrrrrrrty Russian,” “Arrrrr Pirate,” or, “Breububbuu Mermaid.” DO start to appreciate the way your back arches so nicely in those iPhone pictures that you decide to become an established pornstar.

Sexting Don’t’s: • DON’T send pictures of your “abs” to a girl. The lines that you get from your fat rolls squishing together after an extended period of sitting are not six pack lines, they’re just gross. • DON’T have lifeguard tan-lines in your dirty pictures.

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•

• •

•

You might have a healthy bronzed glow from working outside all summer, but your ass still looks like a polar ice cap. DON’T include your face in the picture. Chances are the person you are sending this sext to will stop talking to you about 3 hours after you send it, so don’t include your face if you have any self respect. DON’T pull a Brett Favre. Take off your watch and Crocs, dude. And seriously, the socks have to go, too. DON’T assume that she knows she’s fat. Sexting her about getting kinky food-style and wanting to share a donut after the act will probably confuse her. Girls are so oblivious. DON’T send a sext to your dad on accident. If he still pays for your phone bill, there’s no way he will after reading, “I want to tickle your boy-toys ;)” “...Call me.”

All in all, it’s probably not the smartest decision to sext in the first place, because sexts get passed around faster than pink eye in the dorms. However, most people do it, and it is pretty fun, so if you’re going to do it do it right. Try to steer clear from your emotions like, "I love you," or, "I have dreams about you every night," in order to creep out your fellow sexter the least amount. But other than that, sext away, cowboy.

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A PLEA FOR MCDONALD'S BREAKFAST mike byrnes wrote this To: Ronald McDonald From: The Fine Folks at The Black Sheep RE: They're My Hashbrowns, And I Want Them Now Dear Mr. McDonald, The professionals at The Black Sheep and I would like to address an issue we have encountered with your restaurant. Let me rephrase that, clown. We have a problem with the way you're runnin' things, and we DEMAND SATISFACTION! If you refuse this reasonable pitch, a pox be on you! We happen to be on very good terms with The Burger King and wouldn't want any unfortunate events to take place, like say you wind up on the on the morning news face down in the Play Place ball pit with a sign stuck to your chest saying, “Sneak King Strikes Again.” Now, McDonald's is a magical place where fat kids find first love, Eastern Europeans casually drink coffee and don't speak English, and drunk people are satisfied with all of their greasy lunchtime favorites. Why though, why Ronald, can't those drunk people also get a head start to their hangover with some after-midnight breakfast shenanigans? Honestly, how hard is it to put both menus on from 12AM to 3AM? The hashbrowns are FROZEN, RONALD! Just throw them on the fryer! Anyone who has ever tasted the stomach-staining, life-shortening revelry that is breakfast at McDonald's knows that it's possibly the most glorious meal in history since the Seder. Eating McDonald's breakfast is kind of like when fat Little Brucey from Matilda triumphantly eats the entire chocolate cake Mrs. Trunchbull's cook made with her own sweat and blood. At least that tubby fig newton didn't get the Chokey, right? He would have popped like a cyst! That being said, you and your fine establishment deserve some credit. Who hasn't drooled over a sexy, greasy Steak Egg and Cheese Bagel; or a sweet, sensitive McGriddle; or how about the ever famous, the Viagra substitute, invented by Dr. Merkenstein himself, the McDonald's hashbrown patty!? It really is a selection that sells itself, but your breakfast menu needs a little more attention from the world. We suggest a new midnight breakfast campaign that, if you play your cards right, will change the way all of us drunkees live by increasing satisfaction, expanding freedom, and exponentially exploding the number of deaths that occur during sleep. Look at the audience MacDonáld's would be appealing to: young, drunk people looking for a snack to cap the night off with. Sure, those dreary-eyed, judgment impaired individuals could go home and pour themselves the same old bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch with no milk because they ran out, OR they can be given the opportunity to caress their tongues with the smooth, oily touch of a breakfast burrito. Oh yes, it's easy to say you're customers will treat flapjacks like aphrodisiacs with the McDonald's Midnight Special. You should need to release this gift to the public slowly. Start out by offering this double menu extravaganza at those McDonald's which are closest to opium dens. Then move to college towns, the rest of America, the rest of the world, and finally, Russia. The campaign budget also includes new night-life ultra uniforms. Since working the night shift at MacDonáld's isn't already demeaning enough, after midnight all employees will quickly change into their Grimace costumes (Grimace is the purple Barney-like McDonald's character who's big, fuzzy, and a little gender-confused, but you know that. Ronald). Look, Ronald, or as the Spanish call you, Ronaldo, you need to make this happen for the good of the human kind. If you think we can work something out, feel free to email us back at mrbyrnes@grimacespanksthemonkey.com. Up yours you scary clown, Mr. Byrnes and The Black Sheep

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Know your Tools

Let’s face it, nowadays you can’t safely walk the streets of Champaign to your favorite bar and/or crack house without running into sixteen different types of tools yelling obnoxiously and hitting on girls who are way too blacked out. Fortunately for you, I’m here to teach you how to properly identify these douche bags so that you can avoid them at all costs. If you want to make it as an alcohol and sex enthusiast while still being able to respect yourself, you have to know your tools. The Hammer You can recognize the hammer at any pre-sport event. He’s loud, over-sized and carrying a keg. You hate him because he feels the need to take a normal t-shirt and carve out the sleeves to show off his awesome obliques. You also dislike him because he smells like the inside of a bar and spits in your face as he screams overly simple words, because producing full-fledged sentences just exceeds his brain’s capacity. Guess what? No one cares that you played football in high school. You’re an oversized thug who resembles a Monstar from Space Jam and makes people uncomfortable as you start chanting randomly. “Chug! Chug! Chug!” No one else has a beer, asshole. The Phillips-Head Screwdriver Everyone needs to beware the screwdriver. And when I say everyone, I mean anyone who experiences “that time of the month.” The screwdriver rocks the light blue pinstripe shirt on the Joe’s dance floor and starts rubbing up on the drunkest female he can find. Unfortunately, at this point in time, the drunkest female is so out of her mind she thinks the guy rubbing against her is Jon Stamos and it is 1994. The screwdriver wants to screw (eh, get it???) anyone and anything under the sun. Don’t find yourself victim to this guy or you’ll be waking up in bed with a guy who cares more about his hair and make-up than you do. Then again, pretty boys need loving too. You just have to be willing to let them use your hair dryer before they go home.

ken doll wrote this

The Flat head Screwdriver Confused? You’re wondering what the difference is between the Phillips-Head screwdriver and the Flat Head is, right? Anyone who knows anything about tools knows that the Flat Head screwdriver should essentially been abolished after the creation of the philipshead screw. What real life tool is this? Clearly it’s the emo tool. We’ve already got punks, we’ve got goth kids, and we have hipsters. We do not need a mix of all three. Sporting skinny jeans and wearing your hair over your eyes is not going to allow you to have sex with anything that does not resemble a man more than you do. Hey if you’re into that, it’s your thing. But stop listening to people scream and calling it music. It just makes everyone furious. The Flip-Flop Bottle Cap Opener Here lies the frat tool. You notice him immediately with his Sperry’s, his flat-brimmed hat, and his multi-colored sleeveless tank. The fake Ray Bans he’s rocking are pretty epic too. On the daily nine to five, girls believe that the frat tool is a pathetic creature. They enjoy laughing at their strange addiction to color coordination and cheap liquor. But by night’s end the cheap liquor doesn’t taste so bad and the color coordination looks kind of pretty. For whatever reason females tend to flock towards the Fratstar. Maybe it is the deep v, or maybe it is the overconfidence he seems to sport at all times, something about the guy’s spiked hair turns on the ladies. At the end of the night their smooth-talking and beer pong skills get a girl’s clothes off. Now that you know your tools, you know who to avoid at the bars. And/or go home with, bang furiously, then completely berate the next morning for their pathetic habits. If you fall for them legitimately, I apologize for your complete lack of standards and or self-respect. Have fun carrying the babies of a guy who’s more interested in what the bar specials are this week then graduating on time.

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A Blind Guy Delivering a Best Man Speech Corey Guastini wrote this Hello! Hello, everyone, can I please have your attention! (He attempts to tap his fork against his wine glass, missing five times before finally making glancing contact). It’s great to see so many of the bride and groom’s family and friends were able to make it out to this joyous occasion. I can’t actually see how many people there are, but I think I have a rough idea based on all the noise you party animals are making! First off, doesn’t the bride look gorgeous today? That question is only partially rhetorical because I can’t say for sure. I did give her a hug earlier, and if the texture of her dress is any indication, she looks absolutely stunning! But we all know I’m not here to talk about her as much as I’m here to talk about my relationship with the groom. Our friendship started back in college. One day when I was at the mall, I entered an establishment and tried to order baked goods. Brian politely told me I was not where I thought I was and guided me out of the candle store. I didn’t leave with an apple pie, but I left with a lifelong friend and an apple candle with an unbelievably realistic aroma. What an adventure it was trying to light that candle later! But that’s a story for another time. Brian and I have so many memories. They’re all woven together with the common thread of shared laughter. For example, he would have me fold his clothes and laugh at the horrible job I would do, or he would make me cook dinner and laugh at the inedible slop I would produce. Oh! He also liked to lead me to strange locations, take my walking stick, and then laugh as I stumbled around. Now that I think about it, it was always mostly him laughing, but I’m sure I had fun too! I remember one day Brian got really serious with me. He told me to take a seat, said he was ready to settle down, and asked what he should look for in a woman. I told him I don’t really know too much about looking for things, I mainly just feel around until I find them. Don’t try that with the ladies, though! But seriously, I told him you never really see true love coming. It just sneaks up on you like an ill-placed coffee table. I

said you’ll know the moment you gaze into her eyes. I just pulled that out of my ass. I’ve been blind since birth; I don’t even know what eyes look like! But he seemed happy with the answer. Lo and behold, a few weeks later he met Nicole. From that day on, he never stopped smiling. Or so I imagine. The sound of his gait against the wood floor seemed jauntier, and I equate that with smiles. Anyway, here we are today. The day Brian asked me to be his best man was the happiest day of my life. I was almost as happy as the day the doctors told me they may be able to restore my vision only to conclude that they, in fact, could not. Such is life! Brian and Nicole, I know you two will have a lifetime of happiness. There may be some bumps in the road, but at the end of the day, when you look in the mirror or have someone position you in front of a mirror then adjust your head so it is pointing in the appropriate direction like I do, you’ll know you made the right decision. To the happy couple! (He raises the flower arrangement for a toast.)

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From 'da Streets

drummers are sexy

“Which Disney Character would you most like to hook up with, and in what position?”

carly anne wrote this

It has recently come to my attention that drummers are indeed very sexy. In fact, I’d say it's coming to the point where they are replacing the guitarist as the “hot member of the band.” Too long they’ve sat in the shadows of the guitar-wielding dick at the front of the stage, and now it is finally their time for the spotlight. Not too long ago, I went to see this blues band, Timmy D and the Blind Justice, play at The Iron Post bar in downtown Urbana. I don't know if it was the gin and tonics I'd been drinking all night, or the sexy tunes I was jammin' to, but I soon found myself enamored with the sexiest man of all time, sitting in the back corner of the stage and wailing on his kit. My heart was racing alongside the beats he was laying out for the band to follow, and I felt it was my duty to expose the magnificent sex appeal that oozes out of drummers all around the world. This single solitary drummer really got me thinking about all the different reasons a drummer could be a Fabio for any woman. For starters, these men have stamina. They can sit by their kit for hours on end just banging away as furiously as possible on their snares and hi hats until the break of dawn. Sweat dripping down their face they pour all of their energy into those drums. Just imagine that kind of endurance in the sack. And I have to say all that drumming does wonders for the forearms – which I could tell you from experience, some men can’t handle the kind of foreplay a woman needs without proper forearm fortitude. However, drummers aren’t all Animals screaming and constantly ruining things for Kermit, they know the art of the finesse. It’s easy to make drums whack out loud crashes and ka-pows, but pay attention to the drummer in a slow song. He gently taps his symbols and snares like a lover lying down with a virgin on a beach for the first time. There is nothing quite as sensual as watching a drummer use his stick to softly patter down a string of chimes at just the right moment in a song to make your heart and your loins burst with pure unadulterated passion. Contrary to common belief, the drummers are in fact the leaders of the band. The drummer controls the rhythm of a song and the entire band must rely upon him to keep the desired pace. They all look to him at the start of every

“King Triton (The Little Mermaid); Doggie Style because the fin would make it interesting.” Erin S., Senior

song, and it is his responsibility to count off the “1 2 3 4” to ensure everyone begins at the most opportune time – giving the audience the best first impression possible. Yet the drummer selflessly sets the pace to whatever everyone agreed on and even more selflessly settles in the back of the stage and allows the guitarist to take the title of “sexiest band member”. Of course this doesn’t make the guitarist selfish – anyone in their right mind would be proud to wear that crown, but women are always looking for the man who will put her needs before his own, and I believe we have found that in the drummer. Not to mention most of them can sing nowadays too. It’s never enough to be just a good guitarist or drummer or pianist in today’s industry, so odds are if you’ve found yourself a drummer in a band, he can serenade you as well. So ladies, if you’re looking for a real man who can bang out all your frustrations and problems, why not look to the Ringos of the world. Sure, Ringo’s solo career was doomed from the start, but that’s because drummers are the heart of a band. They beat out the rhythm that the rest of the body lives by, but you can’t just have a heart all on its own. And yes, I did take that drummer from The Iron Post home with me that night, so rest assured I’ve “done the research” to back up my theory.

"He gently taps his symbols and snares like a lover lying down with a virgin on a beach for the first time"

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SHOUT OUTS!

Life without Cable, Internet, and A.C. Dr. Michael L. Benson wrote this As the resident of a house in Urbana, I can say that there are several reasons houses are better than apartments. For one, I have an entire house and lawn in which to do activities. Already I’ve buried a time capsule (filled with weed), planted a garden (of weed), and had a personal LARPing sesh (I got high and watched Lord of The Rings). However, what you gain in rumpus room you lose in utilities and maintenance. Put more simply, if you need someone to fix your A.C. and connect your internet/cable, it’s not nearly as simple or timely. I spent the first three weeks of this school year without cable, internet, and air conditioning. Sound horrible? I would think so, too. To be honest I don’t remember much of those weeks, as I was pretty drunk most of the time. However, from what I can piece together of my experience, I can tell you that I learned a lot about myself through my time in technological purgatory. Most of which, though, is just how awesome technology is, and how much it sucks when it’s gone. The worst thing about not having internet or cable is the utter lack of news of the outside world. If there were a huge cocaine bust, serial killer on the loose, major presidential scandal or a combination of the three, you would have absolutely no way of knowing without internet or cable. The thought might cross your mind to start getting news from print media, but then you will remember that you’re not a fucking moron. Also, not logging onto Facebook for one day is the equivalent of being lost at sea for thirteen years. By the time I was able to log back on there was already a memorial page dedicated to me, and I had to murder all of the suitors my wife had acquired. But then the question remains: What does one do without technology? The first and most obvious option is to drink heavily. However, lack of Animal Planet and Parkour videos renders drinking nearly pointless. The next logical thing to do is to do chores all around the house. Cleaning, laundry, dishes: Hey, if you have nothing else to do, why not? This was what I mostly chose to do with-

out technology before I realized that after drinking and homemaking I was only one scandalous affair away from becoming a cast member of Desperate Housewives. Hard as it may be to believe, internet is kind of a necessity for a college student. Albeit, mostly because of porn, but also...yeah, mostly porn. The good news is that there are a number of places one can go to get internet access. The bad news is this necessitates going outside which, for you internet addicts, may make you feel like a prison inmate being paroled after sixty years behind bars. You may feel scared and alone in a world filled with fancy supermarkets and “automobiles.” The best place to go to get a dose of sweet, sweet internet is Starbucks. You don’t really have to buy anything, so don’t worry about having to fund those corporate coffee yuppies. However, you may come to enjoy the iced coffee with milk a great lot. And if that’s not your thing, try a nice tall Cafe Mocha (Starbucks, just make the checks out to “The Black Sheep”). But there you will be, a poor college student drinking an iced coffee from Starbucks in order to use their internet to browse Reddit and do work for your independent newspaper while listening to Radiohead. You will be the American dream in its most visceral form. By the close of my three weeks in the 1970s I was at the end of my limit. Covered in sweat without a properly functioning washer and dryer and with nothing to do except read the side of the mac and cheese box, I found myself plunged into a deep alcoholism. When the Comcast worker finally arrived to hook up everything, he found me naked except for a long beard, urinating into a row of glass jars muttering the phrase “The Way of the Future...” to myself. However, as soon as I was reunited with my toilet-flushing kittens and 24/7 college softball channels all was right with the world.

"The bad news is this necessitates going outside which, for you internet addicts, may make you feel like a prison inmate being paroled after sixty years behind bars."

My A.C. still isn’t fixed.

Fellow Housemate, Stop banging on my wall while you're fucking; I'm trying to sleep. Love, Room #3 Amanda, next time you decide to have a party and charge us for cups, try to make sure the keg isn't the one you left on your balcony all summer. Thanks - Girls in 704 I didn't know it was take your worm for a walk week! Dear, kid that pissed his pants, passed out on our porch, then went inside and sat on our couch....you owe us a new couch. Sincerely, 432. A.K.A the house that still smells like piss Dear Roommate, Your boobs sag...please invest in a better bra! A not so loving roommate. Yes freshmen, it's way too early to bust out the Uggs. Dear Mike, apologies for puking in your fratstar room. And not realizing it til noon the next day. Sooo when's the second date? -Christine John, sneaking Stones into the bar isn't impressive, it's actually sad. Get a $1 and buy a drink. Thanks, Steve and Tom Dear Brody, Sorry about that Asian puking on your laptop and cockblocking you all night. Love, 359 and 360 SEND IN YOUR BEST SHOUT OUT TO SHOUT@theblacksheeponline.com or upload them at theblacksheeponline.com

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The Bar Grid Page 1 of 3

SPECIAL NIGHT

Welcome Back Weekends! Fridays & Saturdays in September! $2.50 Miller Lite bottles WIN Prizes & MORE!

Friday (9/16): LUCKY BOYS CONFUSION with VANATTICA, MATHIEN, AARON WILLIAMS BAND and THE RUN AROUND

Saturday: GAMEDAY Open at 11am & Serving Great Food! Specials on Absolut, Bacardi, Bud Light Bottles, Jager Bombs and MORE! 6pm-ILLINI vs Arizona St. 10: Jager Girls 11: Absolut Girls

FRIDAY: Let the Bass Kick! DJ Kosmo, DJ Belly, DJ Hot Saus, Tigerilla, and DJ Tristen B Spinning Electro, Dubstep & More!

Sunday Funday! NFL Sunday Ticket $2 Domestics $3 Bloody Marys

WED 9/14

15 Cent WINGS 8pm -? $1.50 Miller High Life Bottles $1.50 Keystone Light Taps $2 Long Island Iced teas (5 flavors) $2 Jäger Bombs

312 VIBE NIGHT on WOMPDOWN WEDNESDAY featuring SPACE POLICE, CARLOS HERNANDEZ, MICKEY KARBAL and DJ ROSSKID MiM0SA and MartyParty ticket giveaways! $5 Mugs available for purchase with $3 refills! $1 Cover

SENIOR NIGHT featuring Bottle Service $2 UV Vodka $2 Malibu Rum $2 Bud Light Bottles Bottle Service Available To Book - Call 217-722-9000 or CochraneParty@gmail.com

Salsa & Tango! Tango from 8-10, Salsa Music All Night Long!

Free Pool $2 Domestic Bottles & Drafts $4 Domestic Pitchers

THURS 9/15

$1 Wells $2 SoCo Lime Shots $2.50 Jack/SoCo/Tuaca $3 Jumbo Long Islands $4 Miller/Coors Pitchers

SANTAH with PET LIONS, SONNY STUBBLE and MORE!

$2.50 ANYTHING IN THE HOUSE! Any Liquor - Any Beer....$2.50 Every Thursday! DJ Ollie - DJ D.M. DJ Ghostface

DJ J-Phlip Spinning the Best in Techno/House

Beer Garden Bags League at 6pm $1.50 Old Style Pints

FRI 9/16

$1 Cherry & “O” Bombs $2 Jäger Bombs, $2 Wells $2.50 Miller Lite/Coors Bottles $3 Three Olives Mixers $3 Hot Shots $7 ALL Domestic Pitchers

LUCKY BOYS CONFUSION with VANATTICA, MATHIEN, AARON WILLIAMS BAND and THE RUN AROUND

Happy Hour Food Special 4pm-9pm - $3 PIZZAS! Your Choice of Any Pizza! plus specials including... $3 Bud Light 24oz Tallboy Cans $3 Svedka Vodka DJ OLLIE

Let the Bass Kick! DJ Kosmo, DJ Belly, DJ Hot Saus, Tigerilla, and DJ Tristen B Spinning Electro, Dubstep & More!

All You Can Eat Walleye $7.95 $2.00 Bud & Bud Light Cans

SAT 9/17

$1 Cherry & “O” Bombs $2 Jäger Bombs, $2 Wells $2.50 Miller Lite/Coors bottles $3 Bacardi, $3 Hot Shots $7 ALL Domestic Pitchers

RTB and BAM Entertainment Present MAGIC CITY #SHUTDOWN with DJ AMARIS, DJ RON, REMIX ROY and more!

Saturday: GAMEDAY Open at 11am & Serving Great Food! Specials on Absolut, Bacardi, Bud Light Bottles, Jager Bombs and MORE! 6pm-ILLINI vs Arizona St. 10: Jager Girls 11: Absolut Girls

Belclare Road, Live at 10!

Available for Private Parties! For more info: fatcitybar@gmail.com $3.50 23oz Bud Light & Miller Lite Drafts

Trivia Night - 7PM! $1 Miller Lite Drafts $1 Miller High Life Drafts $2 Bushmills Shots $3 Red Bull Vodkas

NFL Sunday Ticket $2 Domestics $3 Bloody Marys

SUN 9/18

Closed

** CLOSED **

Book Your Next Party or Event at The Clybourne! Contact our Party Planner at CochraneParty@Gmail.com or 217-722-9000

MON 9/19

$1 Wells $2 Killian’s Pints $4 Killian’s Pitchers $2 Jumbo Long Islands $4 Bud & Bud Light Pitchers Pub quiz @ 8pm

$1 WILD MONDAYS Live Music! No Cover! featuring The Hot Sauce Jones Band, Skalalitabs and Sonny Stubble $1 Beers and $1 Wells

Bucket Monday! $8 Buckets of Domestic Bottles $4 Cruzan Rum Buckets $2 Pinnacle Whipped Vodka $2 Cruzan Rum Drinks

DJ Belly! $2 Domestic Beers $2 Wells $2 Off All Martinis

1/2 Price Appetizers 4-7pm $1.50 Old Style Pints

TUES 9/20

Taco Tuesdays! $3 AUC2E Tacos & $2 Wells $3 Tall Boys/ Miller Coors/ Tequila Sunrise & Margaritas $2 Killian’s pints $5 Killian’s pitchers

THE PIANO MAN Playing all your favorites with $3 Real Long Islands! No Cover!

WINE NIGHT $8 Bottles of Wine $8 Bottles of Champagne $2 Goose Island 312 Bottles $2 UV Vodka (All Flavors) $2 Jim Beam Whiskey Jim Beam Girls 11pm-1am

Open Mic Night Inside Stage

Beer Garden Bags League at 6pm $1.50 Old Style Pints $2.00 Margaritas

WED 9/21

15 Cent WINGS 8pm -? $1.50 Miller High Life Bottles $1.50 Keystone Light Taps $2 Long Island Iced teas (5 flavors) $2 Jäger Bombs

Pygmalion Music Festival & Krannert Center present EXPLOSIONS IN THE SKY with VIVA VOCE and COMMON LOON

SENIOR NIGHT featuring Bottle Service $2 UV Vodka $2 Malibu Rum $2 Bud Light Bottles Bottle Service Available To Book - Call 217-722-9000 Malibu Rum Girls 11pm-1am

Salsa & Tango! Tango from 8-10, Salsa Music All Night Long!

Free Pool $2 Domestic Bottles & Drafts $4 Domestic Pitchers

The Year-Long Summer Glow. The free tanning at Burnham will work wonders for your fake-vacation stories, too.

Oh, we’re just getting started. Amazing Location. Theater Room. Club Room. Two-Story Wireless Atrium Lounge. Bicycle and Scooter Storage. Convenient Grocery Store. Fully-furnished Apartments. Fitness Center. Tanning.

The BarGrid Page 2 of 3

217.239.2310 | burnham310.com | 310 E. Springfield

Greystar Illinois Management, LLC

Green Street Café 35 E. Green Street

SPECIAL NIGHT

FRI & SAT: $10 Large Pizzas after 10pm

WED 9/14

Minute to Win It Win a Sony Blu Ray Player SHOT & MUG NIGHT! $1.50 SHOTS $5 for Your first Mug & Draft $2 Bud Refills | $3 312 Refills $3 Jack Daniels | $2.50 UV Cake Malibu Girls 11pm-1am

$3 Jack Daniels $3 Bacardi + Red Bulls

1/2 Price Hot Dogs Try Any of 16 New Hot Dogs $3 Jager Bombs

$1.50 Domestics $1.75 Wells $2.00 Imports

THURS 9/15

$3 Jim Beam $3 SoCo Drinks $3 SoCo Lime Shots $3 Svedka Vodka #2 LSU vs #25 Miss. St. 7pm Jim Beam Promo 11pm-1am

$3.50 Miller Light and Bud Light 60oz pitchers $2 Domestic Bottles $3 Cherry Bombs

$3 Sangria $3 Sweet Tea Vodka

DJ Flipside at 10PM! "The Dopest DJ on the Planet" Don't Miss Out! $4 Cups of Shots $2 Blue Moons

$3 Fat Tire Drafts $3 Bacardi Flavors

FRI 9/16

College Football Friday #4 Boise St. vs Toledo 7pm $5 Bud Light 40's $3.99 Haus Fries All Day

$3 Strong Islands $4 Double Vodka Wells

$2 Miller Bottles $3 Dr's Shots $3 Captian & Coke $4 Oh Yeah's

The Perfect Place for the CUBS, SOX, and CARDS GAMES!

$2 Red Headed Sluts $6 Coors Light Pitchers Enjoy the beer garden while we still can

$10 Large Pizzas after 10pm

SAT 9/17

Half Way to St. Patricks Day Open at 11am! Firehaus Corned Beef & Cabbage GREEN BEER ON TAP! Get our Special Firehaus Shamrock Mug, Only 40 Available Get Here Early! 6pm ILLINI vs #22 Arizona State

$3 Wells $4 Top Shelf $4 Double Whisky Wells

$2 Domestic Bottles $3 Dr's Shots $3 Bacardi Drinks $4 Oh Yeah's

The Perfect Place to GETAWAY!

1/2 Price Burgers 11am - 9pm Unofficial Tailgate at Joe's $2 Jager Barrels

$10 Large Pizzas after 10pm

SUN 9/18

BEARS vs SAINTS Noon WIN A BEARS JERSEY $2 ANYTHING IN THE HOUSE $10 Natty Light HYDRANTS $3.99 for 10 Firehaus Wings SNF - Eagles vs Falcons 7pm

$2 U-Call-It $3 Top Shelf $6 Late Night Food Specials

$1 12oz Drafts $2 Well Drinks $3 Call Drinks $4 Signature Drink

Come watch all the games! $2.50 Import Bottles

Bears vs. Saints at Noon Win a 3 day stay in Vegas during the 4th Quarter! For real!

Come Watch Some Games! $2 Domestics Bottles $2 Wells

MON 9/19

Monday Night Football RAMS vs. GIANTS 7:30pm $10 Natty Light HYDRANTS $15 Bud Light HYDRANTS 1/2 Price Appetizers 4pm-9pm $2 Bud Light Drafts $1.50 Sauza Tequila Shots

$.50 Pizza Slices (8pm to Midnight) $8 Pizza & a Pitcher $4 Pitchers $3 Double Spiced Rum Wells $6 Late Night Food Specials

$1 Draft Refills, Miller and Bud light $2 Rum and Coke's $3 Rumplemintz $4 Strong Islands

1/2 Price Sandwiches $2 Purple Kamikazes MNJ!

$1.50 High Life Drafts!

Firehaus FISH RACES Win Big Prizes Every Week! $2.99 Ch. Burger & Chips (4-9) $2.50 Bacardi Oak & Coke $2.50 Pinnacle Whipped Vodka $2.50 Wells, $6 Sharkbowls $6 Bud Light Pitchers

Karaoke Night $2 Domestic Bottles $3 Dbl Vodka/RB $3 Marky Bomb's $4 Peach Long Beaches

$4 Long Island Iced Teas $2 Wells

1/2 Price Burgers $2 Jello Shots 8th Grade Dance Party

Bacardi Oak Heart Promo 11pm-1am

$1 Chicken Strips & $.50 Wings (8pm to Midnight) $2 Tequila Shots $3 Double Vodka Wells $4 Patron $6 Late Night Food Specials

1/2 Price Tuesdays 1/2 Price Pool and Miller Lite Drafts ALL DAY LONG and 1/2 Price Large Pizza (after 6pm)

Minute to Win It Win a Sony Blu Ray Player SHOT & MUG NIGHT! $1.50 SHOTS $5 for Your first Mug & Draft $2 Bud Refills | $3 312 Refills $3 Jack Daniels | $2.50 UV Cake Jack Daniels Girls 11pm-1am

Karaoke Bomb Night $2.50 Ice Bombs $3 Jager& Vegas Bombs $4 Bacardi& Car Bombs $6 Late Night Food Specials

Open Mic Night $2.50 Corona's $2.50 Jager Bombs $3 Strong Islands $4 Oh Yeah's $4 ICB's

$3 Jack Daniels $3 Bacardi + Red Bulls

1/2 Price Hot Dogs Try Any of 16 New Hot Dogs $3 Jager Bombs

$1.50 Domestics $1.75 Wells $2.00 Imports

WED 9/21

THURSDAY: DJ Flipside at 10PM! "The Dopest DJ on the Planet" Don't Miss Out! $4 Cups of Shots $2 Blue Moons

TUES 9/20

DOWNTOWN SATURDAY: Half Way to St. Patricks Day Open at 11am! Firehaus Corned Beef & Cabbage GREEN BEER ON TAP! Get our Special Firehaus Shamrock Mug, Only 40 Available Get Here Early! 6pm ILLINI vs #22 Arizona State

EVERY DAY: $1 Kamikazes $1.25 High Life Drafts $3 Jager Bombs $5 Pitchers of High Life

1/2 Price Hookahs at GSC2

Karaoke Bomb Night $2.50 Ice Bombs $3 Jager& Vegas Bombs $4 Bacardi& Car Bombs $6 Late Night Food Specials

Open Mic Night $2.50 Corona's $2.50 Bombs OPEN MICJager Night $3 Islands $2.50Strong Corona $4 Oh Yeah's $2.50 Jager Bombs $4 ICB's $3 Strong Islands

Live Band & Open Mic Night! $1 Miller Lite Bottles $3 Double Rum Wells $6 Late Night Food Specials

$6 Late Night Food Specials

Special Night

MONDAY: 1/2 Price Apps After 5PM

Happy Hour $1 off all Appetizers Free Pool Fromand ½ off all Hookah’s (at GSC2) from 6-8 every day. $2 Miller Lite and Coors Free pool during happy hour!!! 6-8 Daily Light Drafts 35 E. Green Street

Wednesday

$4 ICB’s

1/2 Price Apps After 5PM $2 Miller Lite and Coors Light Drafts

Free Late-Night Shuttle? We Got That, Too. FREE WEEKEND SHUTTLE FROM 10:30PM-2:30AM TO DOWNTOWN AND CAMPUSTOWN

WE’VE GOT WHAT YOU NEED! • Resort-Style Pool • Free Tanning Beds • Fitness Center • Washer/Dryer

• Individual Bathrooms • Pet Friendly • On-site maintenance

2001 Moreland Blvd | (217) 344-8800 | uvchampaign.com

The BarGrid Page 3 of 3

KAM'S THURSDAY: Mustache Night Get your limited edition mustache glass No Cover

WED: LOGO GLASS DAY! $5.00 Pitchers of Hamm's or PBR $2.00 Skyy Vodka Singles $4.00 Wild Turkey Doubles $2.00 Rum Chata Shots $2.00 Burst Shots

WED: PITCHER NIGHT $2 Pitchers!! $4 Cruzan Rum Buckets Live DJ Spinning All Night

WEDNESDAY: I Love the 90s with DJ Mingram $2 Import Bottles $3 Jager Bombs

WEDNESDAY White Horse Karaoke! $7.50 Rum and Coke Pitchers

SPECIAL NIGHT

Bud's Wild Wednesday Bud Girls! $1.50 Bud You Call Its Drafts & Bottles $2.50 Bacardi $3.50 Vodka & Bam

School of Beer No Cover

LOGO GLASS DAY! $5.00 Pitchers of Hamm's/PBR $2.00 Skyy Vodka Singles $4.00 Wild Turkey Doubles $2.00 Rum Chata Shots $2.00 Burst Shots

PITCHER NIGHT $2 Pitchers!! $4 Cruzan Rum Buckets Live DJ Spinning All Night

I Love the 90s with DJ Mingram $2 Import Bottles $3 Jager Bombs

White Horse Karaoke! $7.50 Rum and Coke Pitchers

WED 9/14

KLUB KAM'S w/ DJ John Han $3.50 UV & BAM $2 Lite Bottles $1 MHL Bottles $3 Revel Stoke

Mustache Night Get your limited edition mustache glass No Cover

$2.00 Specialty Pints $2.00 Specialty Bottles $6.50 Killians and Leine Pitchers $2.25 Jim Beam Singles $4.50 Bacardi and Mailbu Dbls $2.50 Rum Chata Shots $2.50 Dr. McGillicuddy Shots

SHACKER NIGHT $2 Bud Family Bottles $2 UV Vodka $3 SoCo Lime Shots $5 24oz UV Shackers $6 Red Bull Super Shackers Bud Girls 11pm-1am

SPIN CITY $2 U-CALL-IT

$7.50 Whiskey Coke Pitchers $3 Jim Beam $3 Jack Daniels

THURS 9/15

The ABSOLUT Party Illini Pregame $4 BAM Drinks $2.75 24oz Lite Cans $3 Jameson & Malibu

$2 Miller Light Bottles $4 Double Amaretto $4 Double Malibu No cover

$2.00 Killians and Leine Pints $7.00 Bud, Bud Light, Coor's Light, and Miller Lite Pitchers $4.50 Wild Turkey and Skyy Vodka Doubles $2.50 Murphy's Pub Irish Stout Pints $2.50 Rum Chata Shots $2.50 Burst Shots

$1 FATTY NATTY'S! 12oz Natty Light Bottles! $3 Vegas Bombs $3 Svedka Vodka $3 Jim Beam Whiskey Jim Beam Girls 11pm-1am

Party at the Best Looking Bar in Town!

$7.50 Margarita Pitchers $2 Coronas No Cover!

FRI 9/16

No Cover!

Game Day Open at 11am!

GAMEDAY: Open at 5pm Watch the ILLINI vs Arizona State at 6pm Live DJ Spinning After the Game! Absolut Girls 11pm-1am

Dance, Baby Dance Chicago-style DJs and More

GAMEDAY Open at 11am $2.50 U Call It $3 Jaeger Bombs

SAT 9/17

Bears vs. Saints at Noon QUARTER BEERS!

$3 Any Draft $2.50 Coronas

$2.00 Specialty Pints & Bottles $5.50 Bud, Bud Light, Coor's Light, and Miller Lite Pitchers $2.00 Well Singles $4.00 Sobieski Vodka and Sweet Tea Vodka Doubles $2.00 Rum Chata Shots $2.00 Burst Shots

Book Your Next Party or Event at The Red Lion! Contact our Party Planner at CochraneParty@Gmail.com or 217-722-9000

WANT TO REALLY IMPRESS THEM? BOOK THE BEST PLACE IN TOWN 359-SOMA (7662)

Come in and find out what's going on! Maybe the Bears are playing...

SUN 9/18

Celeb DJ Party! $1 Bottles, $3 Pitchers GRAB-A-FATTY $1 Wells, $2 Bottles $2 Energy Drinks

Beer Lovers Night $2 Domestic Bottles and Drafts $2.50 Specialty Bottles and Drafts

$1.75 Domestic Pints $2.75 Premium Pints $2.00 Manager's Special $4.00 Wild Turkey and Skyy Vodka Doubles

MNF Giants vs Rams Free Pizza at Halftime $1 U CALL IT $2 Red Bull Vodka's $3 Bud Light Pitchers

BOOKING PRIVATE PARTIES, EXCHANGES, IMPROMPTUS, AND SEMI-FORMALS NOW... 359-SOMA (7662)

Euchre Tournament! $1 Miller Lite $ Coors Light Pints

MON 9/19

Ride the Rail No Cover

$6.00 Hamm's Logo Pitcher $4.00 Refills $2.00 Sobieski Vodka Singles $4.00 Well Doubles $2.00 Oldstyle and Schlitz Tall Boys and Natty Fatties $2.00 Rum Chata Shots $2.00 Dr. McGillicuddy Shots

BARN DANCE TUESDAYS! Live DJ Playing Country Music $1.50 FATTY NATTY BOTTLES $2 Wild Turkey Whiskey $2 American Honey Lemonades $2 Malibu Rum

CALL NOW! DATES ARE FILLING UP FAST!!! 359-SOMA (7662)

DAS BOOT! $5 Refills ANY DRAFT!!

TUES 9/20

School of Beer No Cover

LOGO GLASS DAY! $5.00 Pitchers of Hamm's/PBR $2.00 Skyy Vodka Singles $4.00 Wild Turkey Doubles $2.00 Rum Chata Shots $2.00 Burst Shots

PITCHER NIGHT $2 Pitchers!! $4 Cruzan Rum Buckets Live DJ Spinning All Night

I Love the 90s with DJ Mingram $2 Import Bottles $3 Jager Bombs

White Horse Karaoke! $7.50 Rum and Coke Pitchers

WED 9/21

SUNDAY: Bears vs. Saints at Noon QUARTER BEERS!

IL vs. Arizona St. 6PM Open at 8AM $3 22oz Lite Drafts $8 Double 4 Rebel Vodka Free Shuttle to the Game

Michael D Band, Live! $3.50 Double Jim Beam $4.50 Double Pucker $1.50 Lite Drafts Come Get Cowboy Hats! Bud's Wild Wednesday Bud Girls! $1.50 Bud You Call Its Drafts & Bottles $2.50 Bacardi $3.50 Vodka & Bam

Sometimes you want

a little more privacy. COME LIVE IN THE BEST 1-BEDROOMS IN THE CHAMPAIGN-URBANA AREA! • Large, updated bathroom. • Resort style swimming pool • Free internet, cable, water, trash and parking. • Two shuttles to U of I campus, including late night weekend service.

(217) 353.6800 / www.villagecp.com Text "COLBERT" to 47464 for Specials!

• Washer & dryer in every apartment. • 24 hour fitness center & spa with free tanning. • Pet friendly!

Send in your pics to pics@theblacksheeponline or upload them at theblacksheeponline.com

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Bartenders of the

Week

Mike Enders Joe's

Major: Whip-its, Minoring in Facebook Creeping Relationship Status: Stolen Favorite TV Show? Jersey Shore What celebrity would you most like to punch? Jersey Shore Cast What’s the worst pickup line you’ve ever heard/ used? “Wanna go back to the frat and smoke?” (innocent look) What do you bench? More than you. What cartoon character would you hook up with? Cartman’s Mom Guilty pleasure food? Beef curtains Do you swallow? Every last drop. What’s your favorite flavor of ice cream? (points down) Keystone, Busch Light, or Natty Ice? Keystone Ice Twitter name? susp_enders Movie title that describes a penis: Behind Enemy Lines/ The Dark Knight/When Harry Met Sally

drinking game:

random “That’s sor random!” as Jamie from Summer Heights High might say about this here drinking game. But you’ll get wicked tipsy, and all of the Grade 11 guys will think you’re the hottest girl in public school, so you should definitely play this.

Madeleine Dgrinc fire station

Major: Material Science and Engineering Relationship Status: Single What’s the worst sex position you’ve ever tried? Is there such a thing? If you get to pick the way you die, what would you pick? Riding a tornado. What’s your favorite part of bartending? Body shots! Favorite Theme for a party? Rainbow Party What’s your cup size? Double D’s...Can’t you tell? Worst movie to watch with your parents? Knocked Up How’d you get a job here? Flashed the owner... a few times Porn name? MDL...Million Dollar Legs What reality show would you be on? Teen Mom Finish the sentence: “The last time I had sex it was… done like they do on the Discovery Channel Celebrity to party with? Eminem / M&M’s

recipe for disaster:

Gobbledigook

There's nothing like taking down a giant plate of sleep-inducing pasta after a long night, right? Right! We didn't think so, so try out this recipe and enjoy. P.S. - It's even better if you can find a giant chef's hat to wear while cooking, we swear.

What You Need: A whole bunch of random hotties, liquor, some sense of the English vocabulary. Number of Players: Three or more. Intoxication Level: Sorrrrr drunk, you don’t even know.

What You’ll Need: Turkey, pasta, tomato sauce, spices. Cook Time: 20 minutes (Unless you have to make a turkey, in which case, order that pizza.) Fatty Factor: Eh, better than that pizza you’re about to order.

How to Play: - The first person to start names a totally random object, like “penis.” -The next person has to say a word that is totally unrelated. For example, if they said “sweaters” they would be safe, and the next person would go. If they said “dildo” they’d have to take a shot. - The game is fast paced, so shots are taken while the next person goes, though they have to start with a brand new word.

Let’s Get Baked: -Begin boiling water. -Place the pasta in the water, prepare as directed on the box. -Add spices of your choice to the tomato sauce. -Microwave one cup of tomato sauce for 30 seconds to one minute. -Microwave the turkey for one minute. -Once the pasta is cooked, drain it. -Mix the turkey into the tomato sauce. -Pour the tomato sauce and turkey mix on top of the pasta.

The Game Ends When: Everyone starts arguing about the intricacies of the English language and how an idea is an object if you examine it with the right philosophical eye, like how the idea of government economic control is a tangible thing. It’s going to get… drunken. And random.

thirsty for more? theblacksheeponline.com/drinkage

If the first batch doesn’t get you ready for bed, then just make another! That damn tryptophan is going to kick in at some point.

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Review

THE

PAGE

BOOZE REVIEW

Familia Camarena Tequila Grade: B+

History The Camarena family was a quaint little family growing up in Mexico, happily prospering in their small floral business. And then the drug wars began. During the eve of the drug wars, every small family business was taken over by the drug lords of the south to be used as a front for the massive cocaine deals going on behind closed doors. Alberto Camarena, father of the Camarena family, had finally had enough when José Santiago Vasconcelos, Mexico’s most notorious drug lord, began eyeing his daughter after her fifteenth birthday. Alberto Camarena, using his knowledge of plants, brewed one of the most delicious tequilas Mexico has ever seen. He secretly began selling his tequila to the coked up dealers constantly coming and going to see José Santiago Vasconcelos. After several months Alberto had raised enough money to take his family on the run. And they ran all the way to America, where Alberto sought proper citizenship so he and his family could sell their delectable tequila to the public. And now, thanks to Alberto

Camarena’s irrefutable bravery and desire to protect his family, you can taste this magnificent tequila for free when offered by good-looking sales reps named Gail at your local University Liquors.

ˇ ˇ ˇ ˇ

Overview I’m just your average college drinker; I’ve danced with Daniels, courted with the Captain, and bathed with the Beefeaters. I am, however, very luckily yet to have a bad date with tequila. It seems that everyone in the world has a, “Oh my God I don’t drink tequila anymore. The last time I drank tequila I…” And I don’t. Do you know how that makes me feel?! I love claiming excellence over my peers, yet I can’t even black out from a few tequila shots. So I found myself the prettiest looking tequila, since I’ve tried all the disgusting looking ones before, to try my luck.

mixer center with Pineapple Juice: A+ with Orange Juice: Awith Sprite: BStraight Up: B+ At Ron Zook’s House: C+

Typical Drinkers Gail the sexy sales rep. Cedric the Entertainer, small business owners, gentlemen who sell sombreros, brave people, James Franco and Seth Rogan only if they’re together, the University Liquors employees, unicyclers, Zorro, the three musketeers, José Santiago Vasconcelos (secretly), and Laura Fink circa 2008. User Comments “The last time I drank tequila I ended up shitting my pants in class the next day, but I heard this stuff was good, so…” “It’s a wonder that Gail is so nice because she’s very good looking. Most pretty people are generally really rude. Not Gail though.” “The last time I drank tequila I woke up under the coffee table at Ron Zook’s house.”

Conclusion Everyone should really drink this tequila. Mostly because I really liked that sales rep, Gail. She was just delightful, so I want to back her up. She was also selling the gold version, which was also quite yummy. Give them both a whirl. In the same night. Do it.

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TOP TEN

Things Freshmen Should Stop Doing

With every fall semester comes a new freshman class. Thousands of kids in orange convocation shirts flood the campus. It seems to me that every semester a different batch of kids develops the same annoying habits the last class had. But fear not, class of 2015, The Black Sheep is here to give you a list of things you shouldn't do. 10. Stop getting dressed up for class. This isn’t a fashion show, and you don’t need to bust out your brand new, backto-school JCPenney wardrobe. The rest of us are in jeans and t-shirts, and that’s putting an effort into it. You look like you’re trying to fit in with the popular crowd from high school that ether wouldn’t accept you in the first place or has disintegrated. Throw on some shorts or jeans and get that extra sleep. You’ll need it.

In The Mind of A Girl Attempting Fantasy Football Cleves wrote this The worst freakin’ time of the year has just rolled around: football season. Why do I absolutely hate football season, you ask? It’s because my boyfriend pays like, NO attention to me for the next however many months until the Super Bowl. He doesn’t even want me to give him head anymore because it “takes away from his concentration.” It’s as if he doesn’t even know I’m human anymore! And just the other day, right when I thought he’d totally notice how adorbs my new Bump It made my hair look, I caught him on the computer on some fantasy website, and I was all like, what the heck!? He assured me that it was this made-up league called fantasy football, but I did further investigating just to make sure he wasn’t looking up some weird contortionist stuff. Because I can do that too, ya know! But it did end up being some strange football league thing, and I was so relieved. I mean, actually attempting to contort my body to get my boyfriend to love me would be a lot of work, even more work than the time I covered myself in his favorite cheese dip. Totally worth it, though! ;) So to make him think than I’m more than just a pretty face with a few holes in it, I decided it would be sooo cute and sexy of me to join a fantasy football league. How hard can it be? It’s probably really similar to online shopping. Picking out the best clothes and accessories to mix and match in order to be the best in the competition! Psh, this is going to be a breeze. Then he’s going to think I’m the best girlfriend ever because I’ll totally be like one of “those girls” that’s into the kind of stuff that boys are into, like football and masturbating hourly. Can’t wait, yay!! Okay, Yahoo.com. Cool! I go there all time, it used to be my homepage! Until I changed it to The Odyssey’s website. Yahoo was beginning to be a little too intense for me, and sometimes I’m just in the mood to read something meaningless that’s written at the 4th grade

level. Anyway...what is this “draft kit” I keep seeing all over the website? Oh look! A cheat sheet! Perfect, I should be running this league in no time! All right, the cheat sheet wasn’t what I expected. I ended up having to make an account or something. Uggghhh this is getting to be way too much work. Well, I guess I might as well look up the rankings of players. I’ll just pick the ones with the highest ranking! Duhhh, this isn’t rocket math, people. It looks like Lance Kendricks has an average pick of 135.4. Wow, an average of 135.4 people pick him? He must be so awesome; I’ll definitely put him on my team. Along with Kansas City. He has an average pick of 142.9. I can’t wait to see how impressed everyone will be with my picking skills! I’ve found some nice people on the website who apparently are experts, so their articles might be able to help me. Hmm… this is telling me to pick “sleepers”. Um, what? They want me to put a sleeper on my team? Is this a freakin’ joke! Whoever wrote this is obviously using the strategy of being totally rude and screwing everyone else over by giving bad advice just so HE can win. Well, I hope he realizes that he’s not being sneaky at all. Jeez, boys can be so dumb sometimes. Let’s see...oh wow, there are a lot of spots to fill. Quarterbacks, running backs, wide receivers, tight ends...I haven’t seen this many positions since my first real boyfriend! I’ll just put everyone on my special team. I mean, I want my entire team to be my special team, right? Isn’t that how you win this whole thing anyway? What? This draft doesn’t start for another eight hours and forty minutes? What does Yahoo think; I have all day to do this? I said I would join fantasy football because I want my boyfriend to notice me, not because I want to dedicate my whole life to it. I’m over fantasy football. Your hear me? Over it. I’m going to stick to doing what I do best, and that’s... well, maybe becoming a contortionist doesn’t sound like such a bad idea anymore.

"So to make him think than I’m more than just a pretty face with a few holes in it, I decided it would be sooo cute and sexy of me to join a fantasy football league"

9. Stop over exaggerating. “Oh my God! I just slammed that Keystone, guys. I'm so wasted!” No, you really aren't. Slamming one beer will not get you anything other than a slight buzz, and that's if you're missing a chromosome. “My class is way too hard.” Shut up. You're in 100-level classes. The rest of us wish we could go back to those days. 8. Stop puking, and learn your limits. Now, this is something all of us are guilty of on occasion. Even upperclassmen can be seen puking on the weekend. Here's the difference: we know when it's coming. There's nothing worse than the freshman who finds it necessary to puke at inopportune moments. If you feel it coming, man up and go to the bathroom, find a garbage can, or hell, even a corner. Just go someplace that's away from everyone. Nobody really likes the kid that pukes in the middle of a party or straight on a stranger. 7. Stop assuming we're all freshmen. We've probably all been asked this question, “Oh, are you a freshman, too?” No, I'm not, and neither is the majority of campus. Do I look as thin as you? No, and that's because I've gained my fifteen and started stress eating. Do I look like I've maintained my innocence and kept myself from waking up in dozens of stranger's beds? No, I’ve taken my Plan B like every other well-adjusted upperclassman. Just ask what year a person is in to avoid this issue, because yes, upperclassmen will be offended. 6. Stop asking drunk people for directions. This should just be common sense, but I guess it’s not. If you’re asking someone for directions, you’re clearly either a freshman or from another campus. This means one thing: We’re going to fuck with you. “Where’s Frat Park?” “That’s more towards Urbana. Just keep walking south. You’ll find it.” It’s a sure fire way to land you in the middle of nowhere and most likely get mugged. Just walk around until you find it. 5. Stop asking random people to buy you drinks. This is a big one. I understand that you’re 19 and you’re new here. I feel your sober pain. Really, I do. But make your own friends that are of age. Stop asking us to buy you drinks. If we don’t know you, that’s not happening. We are not going to risk our already-probationed records for someone we don’t know. You look like a puppy begging for food, except you aren’t adorable. 4. Stop calling your T.A.'s “Mr. Surname”. Most faculty members here prefer to be called by their first name, and they'll usually tell you. Calling everyone Professor so-and-so not only makes you sound like you're at Hogwarts, it usually misrepresents his or her title. A TA is not a professor, and the professors who spent lots of time and money on their educations don't appreciate that title being handed out all willy nilly. 3. Stop wearing lanyards around your necks. This isn't high school. Nobody is going to demand that you present your iCard as a form of ID, and they don't hand out detentions if it isn't visible. Keep it in your wallet or bag, or, better yet, your pocket. 2. Stop sneaking your food into class. To build on the fact that you're in college now, it's entirely acceptable to eat in classrooms here. You don't have to hide your Pop Tarts under your desk and look around before you eat it. The faculty doesn't care. Hungry? Eat those pop tarts proudly. 1. Stop walking on the fucking bike paths. For the love of sweet baby Jesus, walk on the sidewalks. Notice that all of the bike paths have dashed, yellow paint going through the middle of them. These are basically lanes. You know, like the kind they have in roads. Would you walk in the middle of the road? No, a car would hit you. Walking in the bike path can and will result in being hit by an irate cyclist. Nobody wants that.

Sarah Langer wrote this

continued from cover story... Miss Priss [species: Cat] Phrase of choice: “Move, betch. Some girls are born with glitter in their veins.” Wow, when this one shows up you know the cat’s out of the bag. An exceptional sighting of course, she’ll walk in like her kitty litter doesn’t stink. She’s delusional about her innate beauty or lack thereof, but can assure you that her life is more significant than yours. She knows what house she wants, and you should probably want her too. You’ll want to page for a reality check in the selfworth department, but you’re better off just sitting back and enjoying the show. Ignorance is apparently bliss with this kool kitty. Vocal Sloot [species: Rabbit] Phrase of choice: “Hobbies…hah hittin’ on dudes, HARD” Where da frats at? Maybe you should ask this little PNM, because apparently she already knows. The great thing about this one is that you don’t have to pry to get the dirty dets, she’ll be open about her pursuit of peen. And you certainly don’t have to see her planner to find out “Hump Day” makes an appearance multiple times in that “rockstar lifestyle.” She may put on a front and ask you about sisterhood; but those hickeys tatting her neck don’t lie. Silly rabbit, hicks are for chicks [that are trashy]. The Negatron [species: spawn of Eeyore] Phrase of choice: “Ugh, what are you saying? I seriously can’t hear you.” Don’t be confused by her bothered face, she really is legitimately ANGRY AT YOU. The combination of girls clapping and singing makes her nauseous. She’s exhausted and doesn’t want to walk anymore, got it blondie? If

her mom didn’t sign her up, she wouldn’t be here. And despite the fact that everyone’s going through the same thing, rest assured her life sucks more. Her negatron energy half repulses you, half entertains you. For a split second you wish hazing PNMs were legal. But before you can mentally plan out anything too invasive, the round ends and you’re on to the next. Overt Weirdo [species: Squid] Phrase of choice: “Fun fact? Uh this summer I worked on my Aunt’s cat farm and helped her with cat weddings…” You’re repulsed by her and obsessed with her all at the same time. You know she’s bizarre but can’t wait to share these stories when she leaves. You ponder how she’s so oblivious to her innate weirdness, as she begins telling you about watching Anime with her boyfriend and reenacting all their favorite scenes. During class she doesn’t pay attention because she’s too addicted to her profile on a Canadian online dating site. Don’t worry she’s ready to try out this “rush” thing, because one time she tried S&M and never looked back. The amount of ridiculousness that comes out of a squid’s mouth is unforgettable. Enjoy every moment you have with this rare and precious breed. Whether you experienced all the different species or only a select few, I wish each and every sister the best of luck in continuing your journey of surviving rush ‘11. Before we know it we will be domesticating these wild creatures and anointing them into our cults; serenading them with strange songs and sharing “secrets” that aren’t really that cool. But until then, savor your time with each new girl you meet and remember: PNMs are not babies. They’re animals.

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the movie page Based on the Trailer

Contagion MIKE BENSON saw this and gave it a...

Director:

I Don’t Know How She Does It

Steven Soderbergh

Sept. 16th

Starring: Sarah Jessica Parker, Pierce Brosnan, Greg Kinnear What You Need to Know: Based on the bestseller by the same name, Sarah Jessica Parker plays a busy city mom trying to juggle work, a marriage and children. Her husband (Kinnear) finally gets a job (damn recession!), and life gets a lot harder…somehow. What We Think: Oh, so sad, a busy working mother who doesn’t have enough time to spend with her husband and kids, works for a demanding prick, and has wandering eyes for a sexy co-worker (whom she probs ends up at least making out with)? Come on; her and every other mother in this country. How does she do it? With Adderall, Xanax and liquor, that’s how.

Drive

Sept. 16th

Starring: Ryan Gosling, Albert Brooks, Carey Mulligan What You Need to Know: Ryan Gosling plays a driver; an innocent stuntman during the day, a getaway car drive during the night. He falls in love with his neighbor (Carey Mulligan), but, uh oh, her ex-convict hubby is just getting out of jail. What We Think: We think Ryan Gosling can do no wrong. But besides from being perfect and sexy, Gosling looks like he does an awesome job as a badass pseudo-criminal. Between the love story and the high-speed car scenes, guys will be begging to take their girlfriend’s to see this film and vice versa.

Moneyball

Sept. 23rd

Starring: Brad Pitt, Jonah Hill, Phillip Seymour Hoffman What You Need to Know: Oakland A’s GM Billy Beane (Pitt) is the focus of this true-story about a dude who builds a winning team despite being somewhat broke by using data to calculate the best - and cheapest players. Shady? Naahhh. What We Think: Damn, who knew that Jonah Hill could be taken seriously even when the character he plays can be barely be taken seriously? With Brad Pitt taking the reins as the lead role, this baseball film looks pretty entertaining. I mean, everyone likes to root for the underdog, and when they are super good looking it makes it a lot easier

Starring:

Kate Winslet, Matt Damon, Lawrence Fishburne, and others

Synopsis:

It appears that nothing can kill Matt Damon... As anyone who has played the flash game Pandemic II will know, epidemics are no laughing matter. In a matter of weeks, millions of people could be affected if the right disease popped its head out. While most movies will try to scare you with demons or supernatural forces, Contagion relies on nothing except what can happen when the wrong bug enters into a population. To put it simply, I haven’t felt this sick to my stomach after a movie since The Human Centipede. While Contagion doesn’t include a single instance of human centipeding, it definitely contains its fair share of thrills and tension. Starring a ridiculously starstudded cast that includes Matt Damon, Kate Winslet, Lawrence Fishburne, Brian Cranston, Gwyneth Paltrow, Jude Law, and even a cameo appearance from comedian Demetri Martin (sadly, he doesn’t do an epidemic-themed anti-comedy routine with his guitar and harmonica. There is already a strongly worded letter to Warner Bros. Pictures in the mail), Contagion seems to have more actors and plot lines than it knows what to do with. The film follows two primary story lines. The first sees Mitch Emhoff (Matt Damon), a suburban father who is faced with the task of protecting his daughter from the

on DVD

rapidly spreading disease after the death of his wife (Gwyneth Paltrow) and their young son from the epidemic. The second storyline focuses on Dr. Ellis Cheever (Lawrence Fishburne) along with his partner Dr. Erin Mears (Kate Winslet) as they work with the Center for Disease Control and Prevention as they attempt to stop the spread of the epidemic and find a vaccine for the growing number of victims. Now, the main problem with Contagion is this: the plot lines don’t stop there. The third deals with Alan Krumwiede (Jude Law), a conspiracy theorist and blogger who publishes his misgivings about the Center For Disease Control, a man who is certain throughout the film that he has discovered a cure for the epidemic, but is being silenced by large pharmaceutical companies. There is even a fourth plot line which features Marion Cotillard as Dr. Leonara Orantes, a researcher sent to China to track the origins of the disease. She gets kidnapped and held as a hostage by Chinese doctors until a vaccine can be delivered to their village. Both of these storylines slow down the film a great deal. Cotillard’s character lacks any real purpose in the film, and her whole cinematic experience almost laughingly lacks a clear resolution. Jude Law’s character also drags

DISEASES!!!

the story a great deal, and while providing a few key plot points, the movie would be better without him. In the end, Contagion was 70% scientific jargon, 20% people dying and rioting, and 10% Jude Law. While the movie did succeed as a smart and realistic epidemic thriller, in the end there was no real emotional center. Throughout the film you hear a lot about all of the millions of people who have died, yet you don’t actually see a lot of the devastation. With too many simultaneous plots going on it’s hard to focus on any of the science which the film is attempting to explain. There isn’t really any character development because there are too many characters to develop. The only character who has any sort of development and doesn’t come off as a C-Span reporter is Matt Damon’s character, unfortunately his character has substantially less screen time than any of his counterparts. While a little too ambitious in scope, Contagion, while lacking heart, contains a lot of brains. It is a smart and realistic depiction of the events which would unfold if a deadly epidemic were to spread throughout the world. Now if you’ll excuse me, I am going to chug a bottle of Robitussin.

answers are a few from here

September 13: Star Wars: Complete Sage in Blu-Ray Thor Glee: Season 2 Grey's: Season 7 September 20: Bridesmaids Modern Fam: Season 2 Set Up The Others Mike & Molly: Season 1

This Michael Crichton bookturned 1971 movie sees the human race succumb to a disease when a military satellite falls back to earth.

1996’s Outbreak features a Capuchin monkey also famous for appearing on this TV sitcom.

Jennifer Carpenter plays Angela Vidal, a person working in this profession in 2008’s Quarantine.

2009’s Carriers stars this soon-to-be Captain Kirk as a man fleeing a viral pandemic.

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the interview

Laura Lippert of El Circo Cheapo El Circo Cheapo is an untraditional cabaret-style circus, sort of like Cirque du Soleil minus the trip to Vegas and (most) of the trippy visuals. There will be creepy things still though, like side show freaks, puppeteers and clowns. But we got to chat with Laura Lippert, who assures us that the clowns are not scary. Yeah, right. Check it out for yourself at the Brilliant Corners of Popular Amusement in Chicago’s Eckhart Park this weekend, September 16th-18th. The Black Sheep: How did you get involved with El Circus Cheapo? Laura Lippert: I’ve been with Aloft since 2007 and then we started El Circo Cheapo at the end of 2008, in December. TBS: So how’d you get involved in the Brilliant Corners? LL: Shayna Swanson, who is the like founder and leader of Aloft and El Circo Cheapo, she kind of organized which acts should ask to be a part of it, and she suggested some people. Then she suggested me to be apart of the company to help out with the circus aspect of the production part. They wanted somebody to be around at meetings and stuff who knows about circus and to talk to the circus people directly. TBS: Can you talk a little bit about the origins of El Circo Cheapo? LL: It’s something Shayna decided to do because in 2008, the recession was happening and we weren’t really getting any jobs because I guess the first thing corporate people decided to cut out of their budget

CD REVIEW

Out Now

Blitzen Trapper American Goldwing

Alternative-country trapped in 2011 isn’t as bad as it sounds Blitzen Trapper, to me, has always been a band where I’ve heard of them, but have never listened to them. You know what I mean; a band whose name you’ve heard thrown around for years, but always slipped your mind when friend’s were burning you mixed CDs or, you know, while “sharing music over the internet.” But even just listening to the opening moments of their latest album, American Goldwing, makes me regret not having their upbeat alternative-country sound in my life five years ago, because I think my untainted view of the world swould’ve enjoyed it that much more. Though folk-pop music seemed to be a bit more popular a few years ago, I still can understand that even the best of alt-country will not appeal to everyone. Growing up obsessed with Ryan Adams (as in, I almost got a cold rose tattoo when I was 19… yeah, talk about potential life regrets), Wilco and the Jayhawks, I have a soft spot for alternative-country even when it’s not what generally gets me going these days. So while channeling my high-school self I listened to American Goldwing and, even today, it’s still right up my alley. Interesting, intricate guitar riffs with catchy vocals describes the impressive sound of Blitzen Trapper, with peaks and valleys of fast-paced jams and slowed-down ballads. “Taking it Easy Too Long” sounds like a nice song to slow-dance to during an ironic rodeo in a tight plaid shirt and skinny jeans, while “Might Find it Cheap” is perfectly catchy, immediately satisfying, and alt-country at its finest. “Love the Way You Walk Away” sounds like the name of a nasty R. Kelly hit, but it’s one of the

B+

better songs on the album. Not exactly slow-paced, it’s emotional while not being entirely depressing. Though some alt-country songs have lyrics that are a little less country and thus a little less cheesy, this isn’t the case for Blitzen Trapper. Rhyming lyrics about old timey things like sport coats, finding songs on the radio and riding on an oldass motorcycle sound out of place, and not particularly relevant to those they assumedly play for; cynical 20-somethings. Or maybe they don’t give a shit about 20-something bastards anymore; the band did form over a decade ago. But these are the same things that I’ve always disliked about alternative-country, so at least Blitzen Trapper does cheesy lyrics right. It almost seems like an oxymoron; loving alternative-country for their unabashed passion and honesty, yet hating it for its too-apparent realness. Maybe they are just not afraid to say what they really feel and I just can’t deal with that. No, I don’t have emotions over old oak trees or missing my home town. I think I’m just a little too weird for all of that now, but at least now I can say I’ve listened to them. Sounds Like: You’d find Blitzen Trapper in the dictionary next to ‘alt-country.’ Download: Might Find It Cheap, Love the Way You Walk Away Listen to it When: You’re on the open road in a beat up Honda Goldwing.

>>> UPCOMING RELEASES The Kooks - Junk of the Heart Blondie - Panic Of Girls Bush - The Sea Of Memories Girls - Father, Son, Holy Ghost

Clap Your Hands Say Yeah - Hysterical Demi Lovato - Unbroken Gavin DeGraw - Sweeter Thrice - Major/Minor

was circus performers at their holiday parties. So, she started El Circo Cheapo so we could make a little extra cash. So instead of making acts that are not really anything we need to care about, which mostly we did for corporate work, we went back to making things that we were truly into and love. So more acts that were for ourselves and not for, you know… TBS: Yeah. LL: So yeah, now we can make practice acts and try new things, like sometimes there are people who just come up and do a few things that they’re working on and that’s fine. It’s a good place to practice in front of an audience. It’s a show for circus performers, but it’s also a show for other people because it’s very enjoyable to watch. TBS: You talk about how it’s an opportunity to try new things and try things that are a little bit different. How much consideration goes into the planning of the show, and the order that things are done?

LL: Well we just try to break it up, like we don’t want all the aerial acts to be right after another. Then there will be a ground act, then a comedic act, so that it’s just well spread out and not all lumped together. TBS: When you guys perform, what are some of the acts that people should expect to see there? LL: All different kinds. We don’t like to put the same apparatus in a show when we put on a show each month, so it’s always different, it’s always changing. For Brilliant Corners we have some cooler acts, from some very talented and professional circus performers that live in the Chicago area. We have like a tight-wire act and we have some juggling and we have a rope act and a duo act TBS: What’s a duo act? LL: The duo act is like a hoop in the air. So we have a good mix of ground and aerial acts. We also have some comedic acts and serious, beautiful acts. But it’s not like it’s a story to be told, it’s an act. And it’s an act after another act after another act, with a standup comedian who is really hilarious, she’s our ring mistress, Fresh MC. TBS: What would you say is your favorite thing in the show to watch, or to be a participant in? LL: I don’t like when people ask what my favorite things are, I never know what to say! I like everything, it’s always fun to see. Most everyone is a friend of mine who’s performing so I’ve seen their act a million times, but I still love seeing my friends perform it. It’s just something that they work really hard on, and you get excited for them because they’re excited to perform. A lot of times, if I’m not performing, then I’m helping rig the show so I get to watch the show all the time. I’ve only missed a couple El Circo Cheapos in the almost three years it’s been running. TBS: Is there an element of danger in this, like if you fall down are you going to die? LL: Oh, there’s always an element of danger in the circus, that’s what makes it so great. TBS: So a trapeze act, how high up are you guys? LL: Depends on the person, and where we perform the ceilings are usually just under 30-feet. Some people like to perform super high, other people prefer to perform lower. Depends on the act, sometimes it’s not about the height it’s about the trick, or what they’re doing. TBS: Will there be clowns at this circus? LL: There’s always clowns! TBS: Are they scary clowns? LL: Clowns have a bad rep, and it’s very upsetting. TBS: Why do you find clowns not scary? LL: I guess because I’m friends with them, and clowns are always the good part that people love in the circus. But then there are those people who are afraid of clowns who don’t go to the circus which is a shame because clowns aren’t scary, they’re funny. They’re the comedy relief; you get all this stressful, beautiful, danger happenings, then the clowns come out and they’re hilarious. And they just make you laugh, and I think laughing is the best thing anyone can do. TBS: So you’ve never been scared of a clown in your entire life? LL: No, I watched It all the time when I was little and I don’t know why it never scared me. I thought that movie was good, but I also thought it was silly because that little kid was an idiot, talking to a clown in the sewer. I’m more into scary movies now that I’m older and know more, but when I was a kid I was super literal.

All About Beer class

WORD SEARCH THE

it's all about beer! Coors Budweiser Miller Keystone Goose Island Pabst Lager Pale Ale Newcastle

Movie Quiz

Guinness Corona Stella Artois Blue Moon Natty Light New Belgium Becks Sierra Nevada

Answers

Sam Adams Heineken Mickeys Cobra Pacifico Modelo Busch Dos Equis

A D S T C D R R C I A U D L O A

A O M C S D E T H O C R H O M K

N S I N G B G O T I O C B I G E

O R O E Q U C K E S G E A E C MW E A L A D P A A P B MU A S T E R L K L S N O D S A C O Y S T

C I Y N N L C S S R L A M O A O

I A S D S E I A E F I W T E H L G T I S L A Y C TW T E A N N E

T R L I I N B H I E A B C L I S

O E C A D A V E N A R R E I S K

M O D E L O S Q L M T O I A D C

( time )

B BM L C L U T N E S G MO U O A I O D N N R N L E E G S S O I S E E U EWO R D S R U E E B O

1. The Andromeda Strain 2. Friends 3. TV reporter 4. Chris Pine

S E E M K D B E T E E C M A C S

Coo Bud Mille Key Goo Pab Lage Pale New Guin Coro Stel Blue Natt New Bec Sier Sam Hein Mick Cob Paci Mod Bus Dos