Volume 19, Issue 5 — 9/14/11 - 9/21/11 — www.theblacksheeponline.com
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The Kinds of Girls You Encounter during Rush lenz wrote this Rush season, PNMs in da house, hollah! For those not involved in Greek life, PNM is a fun little abbreviation that us sorostitues like to call the girls that go through rush; it stands for "Potential New Meat." From the outside, sorority recruitment looks like a bizarre cult of estrogen and teenage dreams. From the inside, you realize that is, in fact, what it is. Instead of a glamorous get together, this plethora of new girls coming into your house is more like that board game I dug up one time called “Jumanji.” You know — the game where the stampede of undomesticated animals and jungle creatures invade your house if you land on the right space. With all these rare and dangerous breeds coming to your home, it’s important to take a moment and analyze the different species before the time round runs out and the game is over. Think you’re having a good rush? Let’s take a gander and see if you've experienced all the wonders of the kingdom on a scale of 1 to worst. Averge Joe-sophina [species: Labrador] Phrase of choice: “Hi, nice to meet you.” Phew, this girl screams "normal" and baby you like it. She’s charismatic, has normal hobbies, and laughs at your jokes. She’ll make a few witty comments, to which you’ll laugh and realize: Oh shoot; I want this sister in my house right now. You will then become borderline obsessed and make a mental note to stalk her on The ‘Book later. Senior Transfer [species: Raven] Phrase of choice: “I’m probably older than you.” Oh the transfers. This visitor is awkward because her elder status means she’s not going to be impressed by the typical “sorority bullshivicks” that you feed to the rest of them and pass off as magic. This girl is wise and knows what she’s looking for. She’ll pretend to be learning from all the insightful things you say, but actually already has life figured out so you might as well save your breath. The raven’s lack of naivety makes her quite a buzz kill in the entertainment department, but she still makes for a pretty easy rush round.
Other stuff
Inside
05: the do's and don'ts of sexting a reader asked us for advice, so we hope she follows it and sends us pics.
The Name Dropper [species: Weasel] Phrase of choice: “Yea, I know that betch; we’re so tight.” ::points to picture on wall:: The weasel. She’s so happy to meet you, and even more EXCITED to tell you about the girl in your house who went to her high school! They are so BFF status and shared so many “el oh el” moments. Wait, hold that thought, she also knows a bunch of other girls in the photos! She’s clearly friends with so many people it’s like why wouldn’t you give her a bid, she’s so already in! ... (Or so she thinks). After the fact you’ll ask your friend about this PNM to which she’ll reply, “Who? Oh awkward, no we weren’t friends… pretty sure she’s a weirdo.” Fail for her. OCS Obsessive Compulsive Sister [species: Squirrel] Phrase of choice: “HIIIIIIII! So totally nice to meet you. RUSH RUSH RUSH! I could do this all day every day. Love your house – I can see myself living here – my mom was in a house at Kentucky, and I’ve been dreaming of this moment since I was in kindergarten!” Whoa sister, you need to bring that rapid boil to a simmer. This breed is quite plentiful but doesn’t really bring much to the table. Yeah, she’s kind of cute but there are about 400 more squirrels of her kind running around on campus. She’s not the worst but, at the same time, you could do without her up in your nuts and grill. The Alpha (Fe)male [species: Hyena] Phrase of choice: “Oh. I don’t have girl friends.” Welp, tell us how you really feel, sweet pea. Ballsy move saying you don’t get along with girls when you’re swimming in a sea of ovaries. Encountering this species becomes a fun personal challenge as you adjust and channel your inner bro to assure this one that you’re super chill and your house is not a real sorority. You try to win them over but secretly want to show them the door. Right. Now.
06: A Plea for McD’s Breakfast
Drunk kids love spending money, so why can’t I get a hashbrown at 3AM?
Continued on Page 19...
18: A Girl and Fantasy Football
Haha, really? Women can’t play (fake) sports.