Illinois - The Conspiracy Issue! by The Black Sheep

t e r c e s p o t , e k li the conspiracy issue In the year 2011, The Black Sheep uncovered some top secret files. This is, like, so epic.

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Table of

contents

our theories Pg4: Autumn is a Conspiracy What is this shady season hiding?

Letter to the editor

Pg5: As Seen on TV Who are these assy products trying to crap all over? Pg6: The Dodo Is Dead Why’s this booby bird bitten the bullet?

Dear Carl, My brother recently went on a cruise and hasn’t been seen or heard from since. We’ve tried gathering search parties to help us look for him, but every time we’ve tried the government have stopped us. I didn’t know who else to turn to. What’s going on?

Pg7: Sorority Life Who’s going Greek, and where are the Greeks going?

Sincerely, Brotherless

Pg8: Herds of Bulls Jerseys Where are they going?

Dear Fool, DON’T YOU SEE WHAT’S GOING ON HERE!? And how dare you try and drag me into this – you must know the government reads The Black Sheep to try and get all its leads on the black market! Look, I’m sorry your brother was lost at sea on his gay cruise vacation, but this is your own cross to bear. … Sigh. Okay, look, you didn’t hear this from me, but you’re digging in to some shit that you’re just not prepared for, okay? You think it’s a coincidence your brother was on his gay cruise just after he started investigating what’s buried under the Morrow Plots? (Yeah, I’ve done my research, you ignorant prick.) They want him gone, and if that’s the way they want him, that’s the way he’s gonna stay. You notice his gay cruise took a little detour through the Bermuda Triangle? That wasn’t scheduled. I can’t even get into the crap they have going on down there. Just trust me, you need to stop asking all these questions. But if you really need some answers, I’d ask Uncle Murphy. Meet him where the sun shines brighter than the moon an hour before the rooster lays his first egg. Door blown open. SHIT! They’ve found me! HoneyCombs, erase the hard drives – exit strategy Beta! GO! GO! GO!

Pg9: Lincoln Hall Linked to Area 51 What’s going on in this under-construction alien area? Pg10: The Jokeless Article What? Why? Who would steal all our jokes?! Pg15: The Antonio’s Takeover Where are all those Green Street grubberies going? Pg16: Hot Girl Season Why does it ever have to end? Pg18: Champaign Bums What are they hiding from us college kids?

Cheers, Carl

Pg19: Why are Cool Guys So Cool? And who cares?

Meet The Staff! Managing Editor Carly Kamp copy Editor Mike Benson Advertising Manager Michelle Lenzen distribution Manager Mike Zevin Chris Bandmier Contributing Writers John Estep | John McCombs Phil Azar| Ken Halvachs Mandy Cleves | Grace Haka Hannah Johnson| Michelle Lenzen Michael Byrnes| Corey Gusstini Caitlin Chrzanowski | Katelyn Lilly Sarah Langer cartoonist Alexandra Joyce

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Autumn is a Conspiracy! cleves wrote this Hello readers, and welcome to this issue of Conspiracy Theories: UIUC Edition. We’re still unsure as to whether or not the school used our tuition money to build the Bell Tower in order to run a crystal meth lab in an unsuspicious location, but we've moved on. I think we did a spectacular job at barging in on meetings, asking ambiguous questions, and making everyone feel uncomfortable. Good work, team.

who works for the University. You see, they made up this RSO on their own, then hired some decoys to pose as students who, “Love fall activities like bobbing for apples and raking leaves.” Then, they marketed the hell out of it, convincing students that autumn is a fantastic time of the year. A time to do lame stuff rather than drink ourselves into oblivion like we did all summer. Am I right?

Now we are conducting a study on something a little more serious. Something that occurs every year like clockwork, yet nobody seems to ask the real question, and that question is WHY? Why do the leaves change every year? Can someone explain this to me without giving me some crock of crap spiel about nature? And how come it just all of a sudden begins to get really cold and dark, after three months of warm weather and an abundance of green shrubbery? You can’t just tell me this is all scientific and then call it a day. No, I refuse to settle. I’ve gone through too many years of experiencing this change in season, and it’s time for us to discover the real truth about fall. And I just might have that truth: The University of Illinois has paid the government to create autumn. IT’S A CONSPIRACY!

And then there’s Curtis Orchard. Ohhh Curtis Orchard, you fitful bitch, you. For those of you who don’t know, it’s a place to pick apples and pumpkins and run around drinking cider like a bunch of pansies. I refuse to believe that this is a family owned business that just so happened to be located right by the University. This has got to be another one of the government’s sneaky ploys to lure students into spending money on their apple butter as opposed to a handle of vodka or a couple of hookers. This all started to make sense to me when my roommate suggested we go. Needless to say, I was outraged.

Let’s talk about the weather. The weather, people! It serves as nothing but a nuisance to us as soon as October and November roll around. It gets all cold and miserable outside right when classes start to really kick in and we have midterms to study for. You’re telling me this is a coincidence? I think not. How come this doesn’t happen in places like Florida or California, huh? It’s because U of I authorities, along with the department of Atmospheric Sciences, collaborate every year with some high-profile players to make the weather suck. Why do they do this? Because they’re trying to deter us students from going out and having fun! The school hates fun! The worse the weather gets, the less likely people are to dress like sluts or even leave their apartments or dorms in general. Thus, forcing us poor students to stay in and study! And for what? For the school’s precious reputation. First, they take us for all we’re worth, then strip us from the beautiful summer sun, and then what? Expect us to do all work and no play? What do we look like, a bunch of dull boys?! I want answers. This is a CONSPIRACY! The University has done quite the job of brainwashing the campus into actually liking the fall. Have you heard of the club “October Lovers?" I mean, come on, October Lovers??? No student in their right mind would actually take time out of their day to create a RSO completely dedicated to loving the month of October. AND, I did some research on this so called “student-run organization,” and found absolutely no history on it. Like, who actually started it? What year was it created? No one can tell me who the big stupid brain behind this operation is! Well I’ll tell ya who: THE UNIVERSITY OF ILLINOIS. Or at least someone important

Can you explain to me why it’s suddenly gloomy outside, and why my roommate is making me go to Curtis freakin’ Orchard?”

"You can't just tell me this is all scientific and then call it a day."

This shady man proceeded to tell me that he thought I was at the wrong place, and I should probably contact either my advisor or McKinley Health Center. Oh, right, of course he has no idea what I’m talking about. And of course he tells me to go talk to someone else. I’m sick of this. It’s so typical of these University workers to act oblivious and pretend like they’re confused when I’m simply asking why the fall comes at this time every year. IT’S A CONSPIRACY!

them when we get home later. We can even bake the pumpkin seeds!” She suggested this with far too much enthusiasm.

So I did end up going to McKinley to, once again, get answers. I asked the person at the front desk if she knew anything about this whole autumn plan.

“Wait, what? Why? Why do you want to go to Curtis Orchard? What is so appealing about a big field of apples and peaches and wild animals and people with no friends?” I demanded answers!

“Well, yes, yes I do. In the fall, as the weather begins to change, more and more people begin to get sick. You know, allergies, colds, flus. Do you need to make an appointment?”

“Uh, well, the weather’s changed and it’s starting to feel a lot like fall. The leaves are pretty colors, I just bought a new North Face jacket, and I feel like doing something festive! I love autumn.”

“An appointment? AN APPOINTMENT? I need more than that, lady, I need answers! Why are people getting sick? Is this another way the University tries to control the student population? Why can no one give me a straight answer? IT’S A CONSPIRACY!”

“Hey, do you guys want to go to Curtis Orchard today? We can grab a few pumpkins and then carve

I KNEW IT! I immediately started chanting “ONE OF THEM, ONE OF THEM” and was crushed to know that she had been brainwashed too. But I know that this is all a conspiracy! We’re better than this to believe that the fall and everything associated with it comes naturally! I went to go interview the Emergency Dean to get some answers because, quite frankly, this is an emergency. He might know a thing or two about this joint university-government creation. I stormed into his office. “DEAN, I have a question! What do you know about the fall? Huh?” “Excuse me?” “You heard me. Look, I just want some answers.

“Oh, my...” After getting escorted out of a few more buildings, I decided to put this particular case to rest. Mainly because I was actually getting concerned after the fourth police threat I received. Whatever, they may have the power to call the police and control the seasons, which in turn controls the entire campus, but I still have my dignity. And I hope you still have yours, too! I don’t want to see anybody complying with these fall traditions that the University and the government have created. Because as soon as you throw on your scarf and dig your soon-tobe-rotten teeth into that caramel apple, you have accepted defeat. AUTUMN IS A CONSPIRACY!

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Modern day conspiracies,

As Seen on TV!

Ruth Burgundy wrote this

Good evening ladies and gentleman, I’m Ruth Burgundy and today we’re going to discuss one of the biggest conspiracies of modern times: the infomercial. Some will argue that an infomercial is, “just a commercial,” and to that I say, give me a break. These atrocities hit us with horrid jingles during our weakest hours; late in the night when the TV is left on, as we slumber or lay awake sobbing because our girlfriends left us. So why is the government behind this repetitive consumer brainwash and what’s the motive? Let’s take a look at the three biggest conspiracies of our generation to find out. Chia Pets - Ch-ch-ch-chia! The pottery that grows! What they want you to think: Oh cool, a creature that grows “hair.’ How perfect, I didn’t even know I wanted this until I saw it on TV, thanks America! It’s decorative, entertaining, and lets me impress friends with my ability to nurture life, what a tight buy. I can even grow hair on Scooby Doo and Garfield? How magical! Wait, I can also grow hair on Barack Obama to show how truly American I am? Oh, okay yeah, that sounds good, where’s my phone?

Brainwash motive: Oh come on, Barack Obama, really? Nothing says ulterior motive like idolizing the country’s leader VIA pottery replica. The goal is clearly to have Americans blindly worship the government while they act like personal barbers to the main man in charge. The infomercial even associates itself with liberty and honor. I’m sorry, but last time I checked it was pottery with grass or something. “Order from home. Send to a friend.” Thanks but no thanks US government, we’re on to you. The Snuggie - Ultra soft, ultra warm. What they want you to think: Genius. Looks like I can finally pet my dog and eat a bowl of popcorn on lazy boys: Excellent. Plus it’s one size fits all, which means I can share it with my grandpa! And wear it to sporting events! And at college!

BEST. DRINK. EVER.

Brainwash motive: Let’s see, you could easily wear a robe, but instead order burgundy Snuggies for your whole family and force everyone to wear them. Before you know it everyone will be wearing matching clone Snuggies! You will be a sitting target. Because you know what you can’t do in a Snuggie? Run. So next time you wear it, just remember: They’ve got you right where they want you. Shake Weight - Build muscle and definition in just 6 minutes a day. What they want you to think: Woah, those guys on the infomercials have such tight bods. If I get this, I will pull so much tail with my intensive 6-minute workout. Oh, just kidding, 6 minutes yeah that’s the warm up…pfft it’s called stamina, bro. And it has the “ironclad kick butt guarantee.” That’s super credible, where do I sign? Brainwash motive: The infomercial actually says, “This is a revolution.” The motive here is clearly to keep the dumb ones weak. We can’t be too mad at the government on this one, though. Convincing Americans to hold a gyrating phallus weight and passing it off as science is decently funny (when you’re not the one holding it). If you already own multiple items from infomercials, yikes. But don’t fret; we as Americans can fight back. Next time you watch TV and want to buy bizarre new things, remember the government conspiracy, and rest assured that everyone thinks you’re an idiot.

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We Knowingly Killed the Dodo Birds

Corey Guastini wrote this

In 1581,

the first dodo sighting was recorded on the island of Mauritius. A century later, the dodo was extinct. What caused this rapid annihilation of an entire species? Conjecture and uncertainty pervade the circumstances surrounding the dodo extinction. Some accounts report human hunting. Others credit the extermination to foreign dogs, pigs, and cats brought to Mauritius by travelers. Still more cite a flash flood as the final event that crippled this doomed bird’s last chance for existence. I, for one, know the dodo extinction was neither a product of chance nor an unfortunate accident. The governments of the world made a joint decision to exterminate every last dodo to ensure the survival of the entire human race. At the same time God created the heavens and the Earth, He delegated the duty of delivering human babies to the dodo bird, a creature that can be described as nothing other than inept. This move is easily the second most ill-conceived decision God ever made, behind giving humans the capacity for conscious thought. The process of delivering babies should have been simple. A husband and wife express a burning love for each other, then nine months later a baby is carefully placed on their doorstep all set for a healthy, fruitful life. Instead, anywhere from five months to three years after sharing a deep, penetrating love, a badly damaged box with “this side up” arrows facing the ground arrived at the end of the driveway. The packing job itself was absolutely horrendous. The box was held together by a single piece of poorly-applied scotch tape. Once opened, the packing peanuts and bubble wrap inside were arranged in such a way that offered zero protection to the fragile contents the package contained. Inevitably, the baby suffered severe mental and physical trauma during the shipping process. Parents were lucky if the baby even came at all. Asian babies were delivered to Africans, African babies were delivered to Asians, and countless babies were inexplicably deserted in the center of Antarctica. Oftentimes the dodo would mistake a bundle of sticks for the box under its care or it would simply forget it was supposed to be delivering anything at all and go eat some fruit. It’s no surprise the wellness of the infants was so atrocious. Dodos were clumsy, flightless birds that relied on nudging the box along with their sharp beaks. It was not uncommon for a child to be missing multiple fingers, toes, or eyes. If the dodo’s route ever included hazardous terrain such as a mountain, the box would roll down the slope over rocks and into trees dozens of times. Traveling across an ocean meant irreparable water damage, and if there happened to be a desert to pass through the baby would almost certainly be abandoned and left for dead while the dodo searched for a nice drink. With infant mortality rates so unreasonably high, couples had to try for ten or more babies in hopes that the stupid bird wouldn’t completely fuck up all of them. For hundreds of years, the world dealt with the dodos without complaint. But too many babies were dying needlessly or showing up deaf because huge amounts of bird seed somehow got lodged in their ear canals. In the early 1500s, all the important leaders of the world assembled at a summit and made the decision that a team of explorers would be created to find the secret home of the dodo birds to systematically eliminate them all. In 1581, the first dodo was finally found in its native habitat on the island of Mauritius. Over the next century, every last dodo bird was killed. God was angered by this. After all, it was an act of defiance of His supreme decision. But He had to admit that it was a pretty stupid idea to designate dodos as baby deliverers in the first place. After careful consideration, He decided to give the job to storks, more ablebodied birds that could actually fly. Since that day, the rate of successful baby deliveries has increased steadily. Of course storks still drop their fair share of babies creating the occasional Helen Keller, but infant mortality rates are now at an all time low. Please, don’t believe that the extinction of dodo birds is a mystery. Their extermination was clearly a well thought out plan concocted by the most powerful leaders of the 1500s—a tragic conspiracy for dodo birds, but a conspiracy that saved the fitness of the human race.

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Sorority Life - What Are They Really Up To? kittykat wrote this

To outsiders (boys and socially awkward females), sororities may seem like your average lifelong sisterhood that will haunt you till you die, but after experiencing recruitment first hand, I can tell you that something strange must be going on. What really happens behind the walls of these beautiful houses filled with gorgeous blondes and perky brunettes? What are they actually saying through all of their mystic chants and songs? Which inner city gangs are they contacting through their various hand signals? I have gone undercover to investigate these questions, and, let me say, the answers may shock you. The first step in sorority recruitment requires all of the potential new members to visit each of the chapters on campus. Upon entering each house, the girls are greeted with insane amounts of screeching, cheering, chanting, and banging on walls and doors. Then all the actives break in to song, yelling at the top of their lungs, about bonding, loyalty, service to society, and just all around having a damn good time. Don’t let this fool you. These chants have more subliminal messages in them than “Stairway to Heaven” or hidden penises in Disney movies. For example, if you rearrange the letters in “sisterhood” you get “devil.” Coincidence? I think not. But I’ll let you draw up your own opinions. It only takes a few minutes of Facebook creeping to find a picture of a line of girls all throwing up a similar gang signs — I mean, a sorority hand sign — whether it be anchors, triangles, or cute little diamonds made out of sideways peace signs. Is this some new street gang that I’m not aware of, complete with initiations and bad-ass tattoos? Do the top-tier houses go around and pop caps in sisters from other chapters like the battle between the Bloods and the Crips? Maybe that’s the reason for all of these competitive philanthropy events, like softball or flag football games. They’re not working to raise money for a good cause; they’re trying to establish campus dominance. But let’s get down to a more serious matter. The Greek alphabet is a little strange, if you ask me. It’s almost like a set of cave drawing hieroglyphics or some abstract language from an alternate universe, which makes me think, did anyone notice that a certain sorority on campus has disappeared recently? (I won’t name any names,

but it rhymes with “Phi Mu” ... oh wait...) This is probably the biggest secret campus has tried to cover up. EVER. Come on, it’s so totally obvious that this is your typical alien abduction case. A house of girls who just happen to mysteriously evaporate in to thin air, leaving no trace of where they went or why the left? The University may be trying to just play it off as some issue due to, “declining membership rates,” but we all know what’s really going on here. They’ve been jumping around in their house for years, shouting out their letters and speaking in tongues. You would think it would be kind of hard to distinguish them from any other house on campus, like picking out a turd from a mound of brown Play-Doh. Something about these girls must have pissed off E.T. so much that him and his little tentacled friends decided to take a trip to planet Earth to teach these girls a lesson. What could these martians want with a handful of young (possibly attractive?) women? Given the psychological state you must possess to even be in a sorority in the first place, they’re definitely not in this for their brains. Maybe other body organs, perhaps? Scientific studies? Housekeepers? Sandwich makers? Inspirational muses for sculptures and paintings? Sexual pleasure? Whatever the reason is, don’t believe the lies the campus councils tell you! This not your average Area 51, people! These are our fellow students being terrorized by potentially dangerous extra terrestrial creatures! And who knows, maybe when these girls come back in a few years, they’ll be warped just like the rest of the houses: subliminal chants, uncivilized pounding and banging, disrespectful and violent hand gestures. Maybe there really is another life form out there besides us ... and maybe they’re responsible for creating one of the strangest, yet intriguing types of human beings to ever grace this planet: the sorority girl.

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people rolling in herds of bulls jersey's:

Why is This Happening?

ken doll wrote this

Football is back, bitches. Obviously, this has led to bars being filled on Sundays, nerds who normally have no interest in sports obsessing over their fantasy football league, and a rise of Chicago Bulls Jerseys being worn out at night. Wait a minute, why the hell are people wearing Bulls jerseys? It’s not even the right season. Who is responsible for this phenomenon of foul-smelling, meatheads running in packs of seven guys to every bar on campus in a sleeveless Bulls jersey? The original investigation suggested it was Dennis Rodman that was setting the trend. However, it was soon discovered that Rodman only wore mink coats out to the bars, and if people were following in his footsteps they would all have green hair. Suspicion then rapidly turned to President Barack Obama being from the Chicago area and holding some kind of high political office. Those thoughts were also quickly shot down as Obama went on record to state, “I don’t know why a bunch of college kids feel the need to set themselves up for a lack of success with women, but when re-elected I hope that I can bring a change.” With the government out of the spotlight, multiple other questions about the trend arose. Are these people on a team of some kind? Is the media responsible for this dilemma? Were these people not made aware of the death threats Daniel Tosh received for his ‘summer of exposed arms’ fashion suggestion for this year? How is their jump shot? Why are they all wearing Derek Rose jerseys? WHAT IS THEIR PURPOSE? Desperate for answers, I turned to the most trusted source I could think of... some old guy I met while drinking at a Joe’s happy hour. When asked what he thought of the phenomenon he had only this to say, “I have no idea what those guys are thinking, but it has to be tough getting women looking like that.” At first I figured the old man was just being salty, maybe he was a Miami Heat fan or something.

Further investigation revealed that not only was he a Bulls fan, but he had Bulls season tickets and had been in attendance of every playoff game where the Bulls went on to win the championship in the nineties. A man who has been in possession of about 10,000 Bulls tickets in his lifetime thinks that wearing Bulls jerseys out to the bars is emasculating and an embarrassment to the team. There has to be more to this story. So who is responsible for this insult to Chicago greatness? An intense investigation revealed that it was none other than nationally hated NBA all-star LeBron James. For whatever reason, LeBron James, in coordination with the same Acme Company that provides Wily Coyote with his anvils, began distributing Bulls jersey’s to people who were balding, socially awkward, and obnoxiously into themselves. His goal was not completely certain, but it is assumed that it was intended to lower moral for the team, as normal fans are so embarrassed by the phenomenon that they are even afraid to bust out their jerseys on game days. Why is James just targeting the Bulls even though it was Dallas that kept him from his championship ring? He’s not. Apparently LeBron has been responsible for spreading his dastardly plan to all NBA teams across the nation. Jerseys are being worn everywhere despite cold weather and complete lack of deodorant under the mob of goon arms. Could LeBron James successfully spell the end of team pride, as we know it? Only time will tell.

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lincoln hall linked to area 51

hannah montana wrote this Investigative Reporter/Pop star

After doing hours of agonizing Area 51 research on Wikipedia, the similarities between Area 51 and Lincoln Hall become crazy obvious. You all know Lincoln Hall, that one building on the quad that’s gated off and has all of that “construction” going on inside. And by “construction,” I mean alien activity that the government doesn’t want us to know about. Let’s start with the facts. Lincoln Hall opened in 1911 and was later expanded in 1939. It’s the home to the Lincoln bust that students rub the nose of for good luck. According to their website, almost every student who goes to this university takes at least one class in that building at one time or another. You may be asking, “Why does the university want us in that building so badly? Why can’t I take all of my classes in Smith Hall? And why would they close the building after getting us all so comfortable in there?” I think something strange is going on in there, and it’s definitely not the guys doing construction. The only thing they’re doing is sitting around in front of Gregory Hall, taking their 7-hour lunch break while gawking at girls. Area 51 is known for storing frozen life forms and a recovered alien spacecraft within its confines. However, Lincoln Hall doesn’t have any of that going on inside (we all know that’s under the Morrow Plots). But there is something inside that building that university officials don’t want us to know about. That ends now. The re-opening of Lincoln Hall is on February 12th, 2013. That’s exactly 204 years to the day of Abe Lincoln’s birth in Kentucky. Did you know that Kentucky has over 50 Kentucky Fried Chicken’s and is quite known for them (hence the

name). KFC (known as Sanders Court & Café at the time) actually burned down and was rebuilt in 1939, the same year that Lincoln Hall was expanded.

ior of any human millionaire, right?

"i think something strange is going on in there, and it's not the guys doing construction."

About 30 some years later, construction on Lincoln Hall began, leaving students wondering why they would tear up a building with such a history. Turns out though that Sanders didn’t just leave a couple of handwritten recipes in his will, he left all documentation of Area 51 to the government. It finally made sense why Sanders had been banking so much money throughout the years because we all know that wasn’t coming from selling overpriced chicken in a world that revolves around McDonalds. The speech that Sanders gave over three decades ago was found out to be not about his own personal aging; it was how he thought Area 51 wasn’t progressing so the Air Force awarded a full-scale development contract for the military base. Ever wonder why Sanders was so invested in Area 51? Could it be that he was an alien himself? Think about it, all the strange links to him and Area 51, his sudden death of “leukemia,” and his complete detachment from his family. Hasn’t anyone ever questioned how he got to be Colonel without ever fighting in a battle of any kind? Could it be that he used his mind-trickery powers to convince the government to give him such a title?

Several years passed and Sanders became a multi-millionaire. He was living the high life until he was diagnosed with “leukemia.” The United States Congressional Committee asked Sanders to deliver a speech on aging, the same year the Air Force began funding improvements to Area 51. Weird, right? When Sanders died in 1980, his family and friends were fighting over who wouldbe in ownership of the secret recipes. It turned out that his will stated he was leaving everything to the government. Not quite the normal behav-

Now Sanders’ cover has been blown and we all know he was the “man” behind it all and the government is currently trying to find what he left behind. Almost three years later the government still has Lincoln Hall closed off and has nothing to show for it. Lincoln Hall still remains the owner of the precious documentation and probably someone freshman’s virginity, but it seems as though we might never know what secrets that Lincoln bust has been guarding all these years.

The speculation is that both buildings were being built by the same construction company back in 1939 (there was only one construction company and it was set up by the government after Great Depression to get people working again – or so they said). Anyway, we all know that construction companies are also run by the mob in some shape or form, and this scenario was no different. The group of mobsters had to have been lead by Colonel Sanders, that suit wearing, chicken eating bastard. During that time is when his business began to take off and he started to feel the pressure to hide his secret recipes for all the chicken. Hiding the documents within one of his restaurants was too risky. He instead decided to bury it deep within the basement of Lincoln Hall.

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this article definitely contains no jokes mike, ben's son wrote this According to recent stock trends, NASDAQ is prospected to produce an overall re-construction of their entire composite portfolios. Yeah, as if the joint commissioner would allow such a vile affliction to general Dow Jones industrial averages! Ok, I think I lost them. Allow me to explain myself. It is my belief, and has been my belief for some time, that The Daily Illini, aided by whichever outlaw Nazi goons they are wont to hang out with, has been pouring through The Booze News articles and stealing jokes to push their pro-administration, sober agendas. How long has this been happening? It’s tough to say. I attempt to avoid such bourgeois filth as much as possible in my day to day life. I believe the first time I noticed something fishy going on was when The Booze News hired a new writer named Juanes Cervantes. Juanes was a foreign exchange student from Columbia who was interested in writing for The Booze News because he wanted, “Tener sexo con muchas mujeres.” We weren’t sure what this meant, but he seemed like a nice enough guy. However, there always appeared to be something sinister behind his eyes... some kind of cunning only ever exhibited by DI writers! We didn’t make this realization at first, though. In fact, Juanes remained a member of The Booze News for quite some time. We always thought it was fishy that he would write down every joke somebody made at review, and that he enjoyed whispering into his shirt cuffs a lot. We noticed that Juanes’ presence coincided suspiciously with an increase in the quality of DI articles. It wasn’t until one day, when doing a flaming Everclear shot (although a filthy spy, Juanes partied like a champ), Juanes’ fake fu-manchu mustache fell off, revealing his lie. After scalping Juanes and eating his heart (we take joke thievery seriously) we searched his person and sure enough found a wire. Here is where it gets crazy. Our writer John McHoneycombs used his advanced Marine technology to triangulate the signal from Juanes’ microphone. As it turned out, all of our jokes were being sent straight to Washington! Now, you sheeple have the right to believe whatever you want to believe, but when you look at the quality of campus newspapers across he country, there is no denying that a sharp increase in quality and hilariousness of articles can be observed beginning in early 2004, the very year that The Booze News was founded. Coincidence? I don’t think so.

There may have been dozens, even hundreds before Juanes came around. Spies sent by the government to keep a tab on all of our jokes so that they can steal them and put them in RSO newspapers like the DI to increase readership. Why? Because newspapers like The Daily Illini push subliminal messages of sobriety, focusing on schoolwork, and respect for elders! Sick bastards! You may be wondering, “Hey, Mike, if The Daily Illini steals jokes from The Booze News, then how come The Booze News is a whimsical treat while The Daily Illini articles are the worst things to happen to the written word since the original screenplay of Dunston Checks In?” Well, you see, The Daily Illini stealing a The Booze News joke is like KoRn covering Marvin Gaye: they have the right material, but they simply lack the wit and sex-appeal to pull it off. When The Daily Illini steals our jokes, they become significantly less funny. When others steal from The Daily Illini, it plays out like a game of telephone, with each publication becoming more and more pathetic, eventually ending with The Odyssey. I have written letter upon letter to President Obama about ending this injustice, but every time he responds with only an autographed picture of himself. He’s taunting us. He knows. He knows that we know. I’M ONTO YOU, YOU COY FUCK. All we can really do now is help to spread the word and wake up this campus from its slumber of ignorance. The government only has power when the people remain dormant! RISE UP! WRITE YOUR CONGRESSMAN! DON’T ALLOW YOURSELF TO BE FOOLED BY AN OPPRESSIVE ELITE! DON’T READ THE DAILY ILLINI!

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Sunday: BADFISH Tribute to SUBLIME

SAT: GAMEDAY: Open at 11am Check out The Porch... Real Home Cookin Our Brand New Restaurant Postgame party with the Bacardi Girls & DJ LUNIKS Spinning Live!

SATURDAY: Pygmalion Music Fest! 10PM - Mammoths 11PM - Iron Tigers Midnight - Brass Bed 1AM - That's No Moon

SATURDAY: Hush - Live at 9PM! Tool Tribute Band $3.50 23oz Bud Light & Miller Lite Drafts

WED 9/21

15 Cent WINGS 8pm -? $1.50 Miller High Life Bottles $2 Long Island Iced teas (5 flavors) $2 Jäger Bombs

Pygmalion Music Festival & Krannert Center present EXPLOSIONS IN THE SKY with VIVA VOCE and COMMON LOON

SENIOR NIGHT featuring Bottle Service $2 UV Vodka $2 Malibu Rum $2 Bud Light Bottles Bottle Service Available To Book - Call 217-722-9000

Salsa & Tango! Tango from 8-10, Salsa Music All Night Long!

Free Pool $2 Domestic Bottles & Drafts $4 Domestic Pitchers

THURS 9/22

$1 Wells $2 SoCo Lime Shots $2.50 Jack/SoCo/Tuaca $3 Jumbo Long Islands $4 Domestic Pitchers

Pygmalion Music Festival : TORO Y MOI & More! (Early Show!) MiM0SA with DJ SOLO & More! (Late Show!)

$2.50 ANYTHING IN THE HOUSE! Any Liquor - Any Beer....$2.50 Every Thursday! DJ Ollie - DJ D.M. DJ Ghostface

Book Your Next Party Here! 217-398-2688!

Beer Garden Bags League at 6pm Karaoke at 9PM! $1.50 Old Style Pints

FRI 9/23

$1 Cherry & “O” Bombs $2 Jäger Bombs, $2 Wells $2.50 Miller Lite/Coors Bottles $3 Three Olives Mixers $3 Hot Shots $7 ALL Domestic Pitchers

Pygmalion Music Festival: CUT COPY with WASHED OUT & More! (Early Show!) THE HOOD INTERNET with ONLY CHILDREN & More! (Late Show!)

Happy Hour Food Special 4-9pm $3 15" Inch Grilled Cheese! $2 Bud Light Tallboy Cans $3 Bud Light 24oz Tallboy Cans $3 Svedka Vodka DJ OLLIE

DELTA KINGS! Live at 11PM

All You Can Eat Walleye $7.95 $2.00 Bud & Bud Light Cans

SAT 9/24

$1 Cherry & “O” Bombs $2 Jäger Bombs, $2 Wells $2.50 Miller Lite/Coors bottles $3 Bacardi, $3 Hot Shots $7 ALL Domestic Pitchers

Pygmalion Music Festival: MARTYPARTY (of PANTYRAID) with GANG GANG DANCE and More!

GAMEDAY: Open at 11am Check out The Porch... Real Home Cookin Our Brand New Restaurant Postgame party with the Bacardi Girls & DJ LUNIKS Spinning Live!

Pygmalion Music Fest! 10PM - Mammoths 11PM - Iron Tigers Midnight - Brass Bed 1AM - That's No Moon

Hush - Live at 9PM! Tool Tribute Band $3.50 23oz Bud Light & Miller Lite Drafts

Trivia Night - 7PM! $1 Miller Lite Drafts $1 Miller High Life Drafts $2 Bushmills Shots $3 Red Bull Vodkas

NFL Sunday Ticket $2 Domestics $3 Bloody Marys

SPECIAL NIGHT

Welcome Back Weekends! Fridays & Saturdays in September! $2.50 Miller Lite bottles WIN Prizes & MORE!

SUN 9/25

Closed

BADFISH Tribute to SUBLIME

Book Your Next Party or Event at The Clybourne! Contact our Party Planner at CochraneParty@Gmail.com or 217-722-9000

MON 9/26

$1 Wells $2 Killian’s Pints $4 Killian’s Pitchers $2 Jumbo Long Islands $4 Bud & Bud Light Pitchers Pub quiz @ 8pm

$1 WILD MONDAYS Live Music! No Cover! featuring Sonny Stubble $1 Beers and $1 Wells

Bucket Monday! $8 Buckets of Domestic Bottles $4 Cruzan Rum Buckets $2 Pinnacle Whipped Vodka $2 Cruzan Rum Drinks

DJ Belly! $2 Domestic Beers $2 Wells $2 Off All Martinis

1/2 Price Appetizers 4-7pm $1.50 Old Style Pints

TUES 9/27

Taco Tuesdays! $3 AUC2E Tacos & $2 Wells $3 Tall Boys/Miller/Coors Tequila Sunrise & Margaritas $2 Killian’s pints $5 Killian’s pitchers

THE PIANO MAN Playing all your favorites with $3 Real Long Islands! No Cover!

WINE NIGHT $8 Bottles of Wine $8 Bottles of Champagne $2 Goose Island 312 Bottles $2 UV Vodka (All Flavors) $2 Jim Beam Whiskey

Open Mic Night Inside Stage

Beer Garden Bags League at 6pm $1.50 Old Style Pints $2.00 Margaritas

WED 9/28

15 Cent WINGS 8pm -? $1.50 Miller High Life Bottles $2 Long Island Iced teas (5 flavors) $2 Jäger Bombs

ANA SIA with EPROM and EPCOT

SENIOR NIGHT featuring Bottle Service $2 UV Vodka $2 Malibu Rum $2 Bud Light Bottles Bottle Service Available To Book - Call 217-722-9000

Salsa & Tango! Tango from 8-10, Salsa Music All Night Long!

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SUNDAY: Bears vs. Packers 3PM Come Win a Trip to Vegas During Every Bear's Game!

WED 9/21

Minute to Win It Win a Jack Daniels Bag Set SHOT & MUG NIGHT! $1 SHOTS $5 for Your first Mug & Draft $2 Bud Refills | $3 312 Refills $3 Jack Daniels | $2.50 UV Cake Jack Daniels Girls 11pm-1am

$3 Jack Daniels $3 Bacardi + Red Bulls

Coyote Ugly Night $3 Double Wells $3 Jack Drinks $3 Jager Bombs

Come Get Sloppy w/ $4 Sloppy Joe's (Drink)! 1/2 Price Hot Dogs $3 Jager Bombs

THURS 9/22

$6 BUCKETS of 5 Natty Bottles $3 Jim Beam $2.50 Bud Light Bottles $3 SoCo Lime Shots $3 Svedka Vodka

$3.50 Miller Light and Bud Light 60oz pitchers $2 Domestic Bottles $3 Cherry Bombs

$3 Sangria $3 Sweet Tea Vodka

DJ Ollie $3 Top Shelf Free Entry w/ Student ID Before 11p

1/2 Price Burgers $2 Woodchuck Drafts $4 Loaded Gold Woodchucks

FRI 9/23

$5 Bud Light 40's $3.99 Haus Fries All Day Plus specials on... Absolut - Jameson Red Bull Jager Bombs

$3 Strong Islands $4 Double Vodka Wells

$2 Miller Bottles $3 Dr's Shots $3 Captian & Coke $4 Oh Yeah's

The Perfect Place for the CUBS, SOX, and CARDS GAMES!

DJ Delayney $5 Double Wells Free Entry w/ Student ID Before 11p

$2 Red Headed Sluts $6 Coors Light Pitchers Come meet Mary Drath on her birthday!

SAT 9/24

Firehaus 6th Birthday Party! The First 100 People starting at 11am Will Get a Gift! GAMEDAY-GO ILLINI! #24 ILLINI vs WMU 2:30pm $2 UV Birthday Cake SHOTS

$3 Wells $4 Top Shelf $4 Double Whisky Wells

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The Perfect Place to GETAWAY!

Special Events Check www.thehighdive.com for info

Beer Garden Season is Almost Over! Come Sit and Watch the Games Outside!

SUN 9/25

BEARS vs PACKERS - 3pm WIN A JERSEY! $2 ANYTHING IN THE HOUSE $3.99 for 10 Firehaus Wings $10 Natty Hydrants SNF Steelers vs Colts 7pm

$2 U-Call-It $3 Top Shelf $6 Late Night Food Specials

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Book Your Next Party Here! Email us at highdive.gm@gmail.com

Bears vs. Packers 3PM Win a 3 day stay in Vegas! Open at 11AM! Full Food Menu!

MON 9/126

Monday Night Football 7pm Giants vs Redskins 1/2 Price Appetizers 4pm-10pm $10 Natty Hydrants $1 Silver Tequila Shots $2 Bud Light Drafts WIN A JERSEY

$.50 Pizza Slices (8pm to Midnight) $8 Pizza & a Pitcher $4 Pitchers $3 Double Spiced Rum Wells $6 Late Night Food Specials

$1 Draft Refills, Miller and Bud light $2 Rum and Coke's $3 Rumplemintz $4 Strong Islands

1/2 Price Apps After 5PM

80s Night With DJ Mingram $1.50 Wells and Domestic Bottles NO COVER

1/2 Price Sandwiches $2 Purple Kamikazes MNJ...You Know...

TUES 9/27

$2.99 Cheese Burger & Chips 4pm-10pm FIREHAUS FISH RACES Big Prizes & Giveaways $2 Well and Pinnacle Vodka $6 Sharkbowls $6 Bud Light Pitchers

$1 Chicken Strips & $.50 Wings (8pm to Midnight) $2 Tequila Shots $3 Double Vodka Wells $4 Patron $6 Late Night Food Specials

Karaoke Night $2 Domestic Bottles $3 Dbl Vodka/RB $3 Marky Bomb's $4 Peach Long Beaches

$4 Long Island Iced Teas $2 Wells

DJ A-RON $1 Wells Free Entry w/ Student ID Before 11p

1/2 Price Burgers $2 Jello Shots 8th Grade Dance Party

Minute to Win It Win a Sony Blu Ray SHOT & MUG NIGHT! $1 SHOTS $5 for Your first Mug & Draft $2 Bud Refills | $3 312 Refills $3 Jack Daniels | $2.50 UV Cake

Karaoke Bomb Night $2.50 Ice Bombs $3 Jager& Vegas Bombs $4 Bacardi& Car Bombs $6 Late Night Food Specials

Open Mic Night $2.50 Corona's $2.50 Jager Bombs $3 Strong Islands $4 Oh Yeah's $4 ICB's

$3 Jack Daniels $3 Bacardi + Red Bulls

Coyote Ugly Night $3 Double Wells $3 Jack Drinks $3 Jager Bombs

Come Get Sloppy w/ $4 Sloppy Joe's (Drink)! 1/2 Price Hot Dogs $3 Jager Bombs

SPECIAL NIGHT

Bus Transportation from Campus to Downtown @ Wright and Daniel Monday - Saturday at 10:00, 10:30, 11:00

WED 9/28

35 E. Green Street SATURDAY:

Firehaus 6th Birthday Party! The First 100 People starting at 11am Will Get a Gift! GAMEDAY-GO ILLINI! #24 ILLINI vs WMU 2:30pm $2 UV Birthday Cake SHOTS

EVERY DAY: $1 Kamikazes $1.25 High Life Drafts $3 Jager Bombs $5 Pitchers of High Life

1/2 Price Hookahs at GSC2

Karaoke Bomb Night $2.50 Ice Bombs $3 Jager& Vegas Bombs $4 Bacardi& Car Bombs $6 Late Night Food Specials

Open Mic Night $2.50 Corona's $2.50 Bombs OPEN MICJager Night $3 Islands $2.50Strong Corona $4 Oh Yeah's $2.50 Jager Bombs $4 ICB's $3 Strong Islands

Live Band & Open Mic Night! $1 Miller Lite Bottles $3 Double Rum Wells $6 Late Night Food Specials

$6 Late Night Food Specials

Special Night

MONDAY: 1/2 Price Apps After 5PM

Happy Hour $1 off all Appetizers Free Pool Fromand ½ off all Hookah’s (at GSC2) from 6-8 every day. $2 Miller Lite and Coors Free pool during happy hour!!! 6-8 Daily Light Drafts 35 E. Green Street

Wednesday

$4 ICB’s

$2 Miller Lite and Coors Light Drafts

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KAM'S DOWNTOWN

SPECIAL NIGHT

PITCHER NIGHT $2 Pitchers!! $4 Cruzan Rum Buckets

White Horse Karaoke! $7.50 Rum and Coke Pitchers

WED 9/21

Mustache Night Get your limited edition mustache glass No Cover

$2.00 Specialty Pints $2.00 Specialty Bottles $6.50 Killians and Leine Pitchers $2.25 Jim Beam Singles $4.50 Bacardi and Mailbu Dbls $2.50 Rum Chata Shots $2.50 Dr. McGillicuddy Shots

SHACKER NIGHT $2 Bud Family Bottles $2 UV Vodka $3 SoCo Lime Shots $5 24oz UV Shackers $6 Red Bull Super Shackers

$7.50 Whiskey Coke Pitchers $3 Jim Beam $3 Jack Daniels

$10 Large Pizzas after 10pm

The ABSOLUT Party Illini Pregame $4 BAM Drinks $2.75 24oz Lite Cans $3 Jameson & Malibu

$2 Miller Light Bottles $4 Double Amaretto $4 Double Malibu No cover

$2.00 Killians and Leine Pints $7.00 Bud, Bud Light, Coor's Light, and Miller Lite Pitchers $4.50 Wild Turkey and Skyy Vodka Doubles $2.50 Murphy's Pub Irish Stout Pints $2.50 Rum Chata Shots $2.50 Burst Shots

$1 FATTY NATTY'S! 12oz Natty Light Bottles! $3 Vegas Bombs $3 Svedka Vodka $3 Jim Beam Whiskey

ILLINI CONTRABAND Live at 8PM $7.50 Margarita Pitchers $2 Coronas No Cover!

$10 Large Pizzas after 10pm

IL vs. Western Mich. 2:30 Open at 8AM $3 22oz Lite Drafts $3 Svedka Vodka Free Shuttle to the Game

No Cover!

Game Day Open at 10am!

GAMEDAY: Open at 2pm! Saturday Night: Absolut Vodka presents... CLUB 211 Glowsticks - Blacklights! Come RAGE!

IL vs. Western Michigan Gametime 2:30 $3 U Call It $3 Jaeger Bombs NO COVER!

Book Your Next Party or Event at The Red Lion! Contact our Party Planner at CochraneParty@Gmail.com or 217-722-9000

Come in and find out what's going on! Maybe the Bears are playing...

Come Watch Some Games! $2 Domestics Bottles $2 Wells

Bears vs. Packers at 3PM QUARTER BEERS!

$3 Any Draft $2.50 Coronas

$2.00 Specialty Pints & Bottles $5.50 Bud, Bud Light, Coor's Light, and Miller Lite Pitchers $2.00 Well Singles $4.00 Sobieski Vodka and Sweet Tea Vodka Doubles $2.00 Rum Chata Shots $2.00 Burst Shots

$1.50 High Life Drafts!

Celeb DJ Party! $1 Bottles, $3 Pitchers GRAB-A-FATTY $1 Wells, $2 Bottles $2 Energy Drinks

Beer Lovers Night $2 Domestic Bottles and Drafts $2.50 Specialty Bottles and Drafts

$1.75 Domestic Pints $2.75 Premium Pints $2.00 Manager's Special $4.00 Wild Turkey and Skyy Vodka Doubles

$1 U CALL IT $2 Red Bull Vodka's $3 Bud Light Pitchers

Euchre Tournament! $1 Miller Lite $ Coors Light Pints

1/2 Price Tuesdays 1/2 Price Pool and Miller Lite Drafts ALL DAY LONG and 1/2 Price Large Pizza (after 6pm)

Country Night! $3.50 Double Jim Beam $4.50 Double Pucker $1.50 Lite Drafts Come Get Cowboy Hats!

Ride the Rail No Cover

$6.00 Hamm's Logo Pitcher $4.00 Refills $2.00 Sobieski Vodka Singles $4.00 Well Doubles $2.00 Oldstyle and Schlitz Tall Boys and Natty Fatties $2.00 Rum Chata Shots $2.00 Dr. McGillicuddy Shots

BARN DANCE TUESDAYS! Live DJ Playing Country Music $1.50 FATTY NATTY BOTTLES $2 Wild Turkey Whiskey $2 American Honey Lemonades $2 Malibu Rum

DAS BOOT! $5 Refills ANY DRAFT!!

$1.50 Domestics $1.75 Wells $2.00 Imports

Bud's Wild Wednesday Bud Girls! $1.50 Bud You Call Its Drafts & Bottles $2.50 Bacardi $3.50 Vodka & Bam

School of Beer No Cover

LOGO GLASS DAY! $5.00 Pitchers of Hamm's/PBR $2.00 Skyy Vodka Singles $4.00 Wild Turkey Doubles $2.00 Rum Chata Shots $2.00 Burst Shots

PITCHER NIGHT $2 Pitchers!! $4 Cruzan Rum Buckets

White Horse Karaoke! $7.50 Rum and Coke Pitchers

WED 9/28

$3 Fat Tire Drafts $3 Bacardi Flavors

KLUB KAM'S w/ DJ John Han $3.50 UV & BAM $2 Lite Bottles $1 MHL Bottles $3 Revel Stoke

TUES 9/27

School of Beer No Cover

LOGO GLASS DAY! $5.00 Pitchers of Hamm's/PBR $2.00 Skyy Vodka Singles $4.00 Wild Turkey Doubles $2.00 Rum Chata Shots $2.00 Burst Shots

MON 9/126

$1.50 Domestics $1.75 Wells $2.00 Imports

Bud's Wild Wednesday Bud Girls! $1.50 Bud You Call Its Drafts & Bottles $2.50 Bacardi $3.50 Vodka & Bam

SUN 9/25

FRIDAY: ILLINI CONTRABAND Live at 8PM $7.50 Margarita Pitchers $2 Coronas No Cover!

SAT 9/24

SAT: GAMEDAY Open at 2pm! Saturday Night: Absolut Vodka presents...CLUB 211 Glowsticks - Blacklights! Come RAGE!

FRI & SAT: $10 Large Pizzas after 10pm

FRI 9/23

WED: LOGO GLASS DAY! $5.00 Pitchers of Hamm's or PBR $2.00 Skyy Vodka Singles $4.00 Wild Turkey Doubles $2.00 Rum Chata Shots $2.00 Burst Shots

THURS 9/22

THURSDAY: Mustache Night Get your limited edition mustache glass No Cover

SUNDAY: Bears vs. Packers at 3PM QUARTER BEERS!

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Antonio's takeover sarah langer wrote this

Over the last few months, Champaign-Urbana has been laying back while a stream of restaurants disappears. Mia Za’s and Dancing Zorba’s were the victims of a fire, Pita Pit has closed down, claiming they’ll soon be reopening on Sixth Street, and Antonio’s Pizza has disappeared like Amelia Earhart. But what’s really happening to these Green Street staples? Are we to believe the reasons we’re told, or are there other options we’re too uncomfortable to look at? Of all the restaurants that have recently shut down, only one of them hasn’t given the public a reason: Antonio’s. At one point over the summer, they just didn’t open. People were put off, but most just figured it was temporary. Antonio probably just didn’t feel like dealing with the herd of asshole kids. That’s what we thought. Upon returning to campus in August, hundreds of drunken students were outraged by their disappearance. Nobody knew where Antonio’s had gone or when they’d be back. The open sign is still hanging in the window, the chairs are all neatly stacked on the table, and most suspicious of all, there’s no sign posted in the window indicating that the space is for rent. Why wouldn’t Antonio’s want their shit back? There’s a word for all of that equipment they left in the store, and it’s called equity. If Mr Antonio — if that is his real name — is in financial turmoil, he’s going to sell all of that crap on eBay.

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Apart from the lack of a foreclosure sign and the ghost chairs signifying suspicious types of activity, Antonio’s didn’t go out of business due to their sales. There is nothing stoned kid loves more than weird food combinations. Tortellini on a pizza? Or what about chicken, bacon, and ranch on a pizza? Now, to many of you lards out there, this probably seems appetizing, but to everyone else, this is probably a disgusting combination. Because yes, “gourmet” pizza really just means that they throw random leftovers on pizza crust and throw it in the oven. It’s great though, since we all dig it. This campus loved that pizza so much that there was a line to order on any given night. They wouldn’t have left a goldmine just sitting there to waste away. So then where has Antonio’s gone? Simple. They’re underground, and they’re planning a pizza takeover. All of these restaurants on Green haven’t really shut down without an ulterior motive. Antonio’s sabotaged them for its own financial gain. Let’s look at Za’s and Zorba’s. The police said that they shut down due to a small kitchen fire that expanded from Za’s to not only Zorba’s, but also Pitaya, that retail store that nobody could afford. This seems highly unlikely due to something called fire codes. Pretty much any kitchen has to be stocked with like fourteen fire extinguishers in any given corner. Which begs the question, What the hell were the employees at Za’s doing? “Oh, there’s a fire. It’s cool. We’ll just watch it until the place burns down.” That’s not likely. The people at Za’s probably didn’t see the fire until it was way too big to put out, and that’s because Antonio’s set that fire. They had their employees go undercover as kitchen workers at Za’s, and those secret agents started that kitchen fire. They also probably killed or kidnapped the fine people at Pita Pit. Think about it. No business owner is his right mind would move from Green to Sixth. Most of the drinking population chooses to hit Green for their greasy food late at night. It’s the street with the highest people traffic, a prime location if you will. In other words, Green Street is to Champaign as the Strip is to Las Vegas. Pita Pit didn’t move; Antonio’s hired people to disassemble them from the inside out. Antonio’s is taking places out one by one in order to create a Super Antonio’s store. All of the empty restaurants are conveniently located near Antonio’s, because in order to expand, they need more space. It’ll help keep their lines down, generate more business, and cut out their competition. They’re only closed down now to divert the suspicion away from themselves. Considering the fact that they’ve committed arson and murder, they have to lay low for a while until things die down. It’s likely that Casablanca and Sushi Rock will mysteriously shut down next, and then once we’ve all forgotten about all of this, Antonio’s will make its final move. Total pizza domination.

Answer This:

What's the relationship between the two founders, and where did they go to high school? got it? send it:

tix@theblacksheeponline.com

www.theblacksheeponline.com

hot girl season is over WHO'S TO BLAME? JOHN MCHONEYCOMBS wrote this For whatever reason during this time of year the sun decides he’s seen enough of us and heads south to party it out for eight months. Now Bible-thumping Autumn comes around and decides it’s time to change our skanky sluttish ways. Because of her, every day we see less and less short shorts, tank tops, and deep cleavage. As a senior the only reason to go to the Quad was to see girls compete for who could wear the least amount of clothes and get skin cancer the fastest. Now I have to wait until May to catch a glimpse of that girl whose bikini top is just a bit too small for her. Naturally, this lack of exposed body parts and subsequent lack of spank bank material has left me deeply disturbed. Immediately I launched an investigation that required very little work after I had nothing better to do. Scientists say that this is a natural phenomenon that occurs every year when the seasons change and the sun provides less heat to the northern hemisphere due to the Earth’s natural tilt. To which I respond, “Who told the fucking seasons to change?” The answer lies in one foe: Gingers. It may seem like a stretch, just bear with me here. I recently discovered that this dip in temperature doesn’t happen everywhere. In certain parts of the southwest, including L.A. and Las Vegas, the seasons never change. It’s one perpetual Katy Perry music video all year long where hideous people aren’t invited. And which of the hideous people specifically aren’t invited to this party? That’s right, you don’t see many redheaded actors or actresses in Hollywood now do you? In fact, directors figure it’s easier to just hire a blonde or brunette and dye their hair than to have to deal with a real live Ginger a la Kirsten Dunst or Emma Stone.

Now I don’t want to perpetuate hate by any means, I realize Gingers have had it tough ever since…well about five or six years ago. However, now that I have gone from working under a soulless redhead to a soulless blonde I can speak the truth! [Let it be known that blondes are awesome, and I am in no way, shape or form being forced to type this with a nail gun pressed to my forehead.] Now some of you may be saying right now, “But McHoneyCombs, isn’t Hollywood the most soulless place in the world?” Well, you know what? Well…shit, you’re right. Sorry about that Gingers, I wouldn’t be so ready to throw you under the bus if you weren’t so damn creepy. So the only answer to this change in seasons must because of…the guys handing out the Green Bibles! You heard me, every year they show up at the beginning of the school year, hand out their little green bibles and shortly thereafter it starts to get colder. This could only be an act of a wrathful conservative God that they’ve called upon to force girls into Ugg boots, Northface jackets, and leggings for months on end. Repent now Champaign, before it’s too late!

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Champaign bums? Or Masterminds of the Universe?

Prof. Byrnes, PhD wrote this

Living on campus in Champaign is a great life. There are plenty of places to eat, drink, be merry, and publicly fornicate. Since I have moved to this campus, however, the air has smelled a bit “fishy,” and I’m not talking about when your mom came to visit last weekend. I’m talking about the homeless people. While a fun-loving group, these homeless people may be up to something more sinister! Where do they go? What are they doing? Who are their favorite Little Rascals? The answers are out there! I’ve been informed by an alter ego of mine that the homeless on campus are, in fact, up to something big. Let’s just say they have some cards up their many sleeves that could potentially change the fabric of the space-time continuum. Those money hungry, can-collecting addicts are not out to ask for your money, collect your cans, and struggle with flannel addictions. That’s all just a cover for their real agenda: They are the Keepers of the Inconceivable Bowl of Unlimited Money. Disguised as a Dixie Cup containing loose change, The Inconceivable Bowl of Unlimited Money, or IBUM as some call it, holds the power that governs the entire universe. Forged during the first nanoseconds of the Big Bang, the IBUM generates universal currency that can be any item of worth in the known universe. It does this by using enormous amounts of energy to collide subatomic particles to form basic elements and other science stuff, which I don’t have the time to explain. For billions of years, the Keepers of the IBUM have passed it on to different forms of intelligent life. The Keepers came to Earth in search of a plant they had discovered called cannabis. Since their arrival, they have given birth to many religions and invented capitalism with the foresight that they would always be the wealthiest beings in the universe. Since the dawn of their existence, the Keepers have been the conspirators behind all malicious acts of chaos throughout history, such as the creation of black holes, the Death Star, Teletubbies, and the Cubs’ 2011 season. Why do these ultra-rich people disguise themselves as the poor, lowly street rats of Champaign? The answer is unclear. It is believed that they are constantly being challenged by a counter-wealth group called the Universal Society of Gypsies and Other Vagabonds (USGOV), who are theoretically on the hunt for the Keepers of the IBUM. To try and find more answers, I went out into the streets to search for a seemingly “homeless” person to conduct some interviews. Lying on his back in front of Pizza Hut on Green Street was a man I encountered who had some pretty interesting things to say.

Me: “Excuse me sir, am I correct in assuming you are homeless based off of the crust around your eyes and your stench of bacon grease?” Bum: “Hey man, how’s it going today? You look like a good young student, and I’d only like to talk to you for a minute…” Me: “Sir please, I am the one conducting the interview here. Now, I have some questions: Is it true that all of the homeless people in Champaign are actually members of a secret group of intelligent life forms who have controlled the funding of malicious acts such as black holes, the Death Star, Teletubbies, and the upcoming apocalypse using a mysterious mechanism called the IBUM?” Bum: “Look, if you could just help me out today, see I came here a couple weeks ago with my brother, and he left me here and took all of the money I had, I need to buy a bus ticket back to Philadelphia. Could you spare some change? Please, buddy, I’m just trying to get home…” Me: “Are you trying to return to some conglomerate in Philadelphia operated by the Keepers of the IBUM? Are you being chased by the USGOV?” Bum: “I have a lot of mental problems as you can see from this chart (hands me generic list of mental health disorders he found at the mental health clinic at McKinley). Could you spare some change to help me buy the medicine I need?” Me: “Jeeze, you people are tough cookies to crack! (I begin walking away backwards, shaking my fist) I’ll find out the truth! You just wait! I will expose the Keepers of the IBUM and the USGOV and will finally bring an end to this madness!!!” Bum: “Yeah, thanks, asshole.” So my interviews were not as successful as I had hoped, but I am one who seeks answers and will not give up! Until next time, curious crusaders!

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Government conspiracy::? Why cool guys are so cool Have you ever seen a “cool guy” being so cool that you had to drop your cup of jelly beans to get your phone and make sure your 54 Twitter followers were informed that you think “Cool guys are cool.” I know I have. Nothing makes me chuckle harder than seeing a cool guy being cool. You’ve seen them, I’m sure. It’s that guy ruining the environment with his Hummer and burning my retinas by wearing big white sunglasses. Some of these fellas are so cool that there is no way that they were born that way, despite what Lady Gaga says. After close examination of cool guys, I have come to the conclusion that the coolest of the cool are actually paid government employees. Let me explain. When most people think of the men and women that work for the government, they envision an attractive CIA agent with his black suit, suspicious earpiece, and slicked-back flow. Little do these simple-minded Americans know, there’s another paid employee of the government that gets a thick slice of that tax-payer-dollars pie. “Cool Guys” are a top-secret operation that was secretly founded around twenty years ago. Cool Guys are paid by both parties to try to get younger adults more interested in being political. The purpose of the Cool Guys agency was also to give average citizens a distraction from politics, and force the nation to come together in a sense of unified hatred towards this group of boners. There is nothing that can unify a group of people more than a common hatred, and the government nailed this one on the head. Cool Guys have a few qualities that are very specific; and once you can recognize them it will be much easier to remove yourself from a possibly sticky situation with them. If someone is in class in front of you and instead of taking notes is attempting to make a dubstep remix to Mambo #5 on his Dell computer, than you have found a cool guy. Get away quickly before he tries to make you listen to it, as your ear might melt off. This music just happens to be a brainwashing tactic used by the government to make people like Barack Obama more. Listen extra close next time you partake in a dub session and find that subliminal message! And you know that guy who wears pajama pants to class? Yeah, he’s not a cool guy; he’s just a tool. A Cool Guy wears graphic tee that say, “I tried to pay attention, but attention paid me,” or some other Lil’ Wayne lyric. Another way to recognize a Cool Guy would be to find any man who drives a Jeep. They will always be cutting people off in inappropriate intersections, looking at their dominatingly thick eyebrows in the rearview mirror, and yelling, “DAMMNN,” at semi-attractive females walking to class. Bet you didn’t realize that every jeep dealership is actually

grace of spades wrote this

a government-funded cover, did you? Every new Jeep has a personalized GPS system that has the voice of Sarah Palin giving directions. The Cool Guys objective is for both Democratic and Republican parties. You might just have thought that the GPS was messed up when it said, “Go right. RIGHT, SERIOUSLY, THE MORE RIGHT THE BETTER.” Didn’t that sound a bit fishy to you? Now that you have some idea of what a Cool Guy agent is, you might be confused. There are cool guys reeking of cool everywhere, so how is it possible that they are all paid by the government? Well, that’s where it gets tricky. Cool Guys are a hassle and an annoyance to most normal humans; however, some self-conscious males use the cool guys as a source of inspiration for everything from fashion to actions. You can usually pick these guys out from the crowd because they’re always eating dick-shaped food. Seriously why do they always have corndogs and popsicles? These are the guys that date a girl for three years and then break up with her for an 8th grader because they’re having an identity crisis. Or the guy that who joins a fraternity and then everyone in his house hates him. Being a Cool Guy is probably a really hard job because you have to be a doucher at all times, but at least people are finally starting to figure out that there’s a glimpse of hope. We can finally start to pick out who the Cool Guys are and begin the RESISTANCE! Just don’t let them sleep with you. Then you automatically become a government pawn. RESIST!

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The New New New Ron Zook Chronicles Volume II brendan wrote this With Illinois coming off a 17-14 win over ranked Arizona State we’ve decided to catch up with the head coach of the #24 ranked Illini, Ron Zook. The Black Sheep: Hey Ron! Ron Zook: Hello. TBS: Yeah! Congrats on the huge win! Really, an exciting game! Zook: We are happy that our team was victorious. TBS: Right? Hopefully you guys can keep building on this. Zook: I agree. TBS: I know you’re excited, but can we talk about the game? Zook: The game was a success. Our team prevailed against a statistically superior opponent. The emotion I would say I am feeling most is one hu-mans call, “happy.” TBS: Totally understandable, and there’s no taking that away from you, but you have to kind of admit, it was a sloppy game. Zook: Yes. The game was not as error-free as we would have liked. TBS: Right? Do you hope to see more success out of your offense when you guys play Western Michigan next weekend? Zook: Yes. The results are not always correlative, though. A hu-man must understand that one hu-man’s—or eleven humans’—ability to gain significant statistical yardage against an opponent does not always equate to a victory on the football field of play. TBS: Well, I mean—hold on—are you alright? Zook: All systems normal for the Ron Zook. TBS: Good. Well what I was going to say is, I mean, isn’t there a significant scoring advantage one team has if they’re gaining a lot more yards? Zook: Again, the relationship does not always correlate. It is though your tiny hu-man brain cannot parse the differences between causation and correlation. TBS: Alright, whatever, I don’t want to drag down a win. Now let’s talk about the defense. That’s what really won the game for the Illini. Zook: The efforts of the hu-mans on the Illinois Fighting Illini defense were sufficient. Statistics dictate their efforts will win the Illinois Fighting Illini a game of football 52.9% of the time.

TBS: And how! It was a perfect display of what a welltrained defense can do. Those guys were almost robotic out there. Zook: Does not compute. TBS: What? Zook: The Illinois Fighting Illini hu-mans are not robots. Your analysis does not compute. TBS: Well, I didn’t say they were actually robotic. Rather, their consistency was, you know…uh…robotic. Zook: Then your hu-man analysis of hu-mans is incorrect. For a hu-man to work efficiently on the level of a robot, said hu-man would have to perform at 99.999% efficiency. Statistically speaking, the Illinois Fighting Illini defense operated at an 82.184% efficiency level. Far below the standards of a robot. TBS: Are you sure you’re alright? Zook: All systems normal for the Ron Zook. TBS: Sure. Shall we play a game? Zook: Would you like to play Global Thermonuclear War? TBS: Well, no. How about word association? Zook: I accept your challenge. TBS: Ok. “Sandwich.” Zook: Sandwich is a form of fuel—often with protein and carbohydrates—consumed by hu-mans, later converted into energy. TBS: Right. How about “gamrespald?” Zook: My database finds no definition of that word. TBS: How about “robot?” Zook: Does not compute. TBS: Alright, enough of this bullshit. Ron Zook, are you a robot? Zook: No. Like you, I am a hu-man. TBS: Robot. Zook: Does not compute. TBS: Holy hell, you are a robot! Zook: (Rises) ENGAGE AND DESTORY HU-MAN. TBS: Oh shit. Zook: (Lurches forward) THE RON ZOOK 2.0 HAS BEEN PROGRAMMED TO TERMINATE ANY LIVING CREATURE THAT DISCOVERES THE TRUE IDENTITY OF RON ZOOK 2.0.

TBS: Ohshitohshitohshitohshitohshitohshitohshit. (A man dressed in white lab coats burst through the door.) Man in White: My god, what have you done?! TBS: I DON’T KNOW! (The man pulls a remote out of his pocket, points it at Ron Zook 2.0 and pushes a button.) Zook: RON ZOOK 2.0 IS now powering downnnnnnn… TBS: WHAT THE FUCK WHAT THAT? MiW: That’s…uh…that’s Ron Zook 2.0. TBS: Well yeah, but… MiW: He’s a project we’ve been working on in the basement of Everitt over the last couple of years. We were hoping we could build a better college football coach, one that could recruit and coach a live game equally well. Things had been going great so far this year until now, but… TBS: So where is the real Ron Zook? MiW: Oh, he’s locked in some broom closet down there. TBS: And this thing—this robot is going to win us a bunch of games? MiW: He should. TBS: Well…screw it, leave him in the basement then, I guess. MiW: Right? TBS: How do you turn this guy back on? MiW: Two words. TBS: Go Illini? Zook: RON ZOOK 2.0 NOW POWERING UP. GO ILLINI.

The Great Word Hunt! 1) Are there aliens there? 2) This book shows some from religion 3) Someone shot him, right? 4) Screw you, Al Gore 5) Seems like an Royal inside job 6) Please, we never got there 7) Make this ship invisible! 8) Apparently they created AIDS 9) He is in St. Lucia, right? 10) In Canada, these make you horny 11) He had 50 people killed 12) He currently goes by John Burrows 13) Clearly this is real 14) They are a light-bulb cartel 15) The Communist control this 16) His manager got $2M when he died 17) The C.I.A. took out this guy 18) Where was he born?

( class time ) Can you take a line from the left and match it with its pair on the right? Green M&Ms Barack Obama The Pheobus Family Elvis Jimi Hendrix Princess Diana Bob Marley The C.I.A. Water Fluoridation Tupac and/or Biggie Bill Clinton Pro Wrestling Philadelphia Experiment Landing on the Moon JFK Global Warming Area 51 DaVinci Code

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