Volume 19, Issue 7 — 9/28/11 - 10/05/11 — www.theblacksheeponline.com
The
Black Sheep
“A College Newspaper That’s Actually About College”
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A Travelguide to Illinois Homecoming ..
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The Booze News
Phil Azar wrote this Readers, I need no introduction. All of you already know me from my travel blog, “Phil Yo Mind,” on which I uncover America’s hidden gems. A few weeks ago, The Black Sheep approached me about writing a review of Champaign-Urbana to commemorate your annual homecoming. My gut reaction was, “Absolutely not.” I had already dedicated my next blog post to Decatur’s Shakespeare in the Park. But, after a minor discrepancy during the second act, my lawyers advised me it would be best to do this article (And to Lady Montague, I would like to extend my sincerest condolences for partying. You shouldn’t have been wearing that outfit if you didn’t want the attention in the first place). University of Illinois is the first school to ever have a homecoming. It was the grandest day of the year for the students of UIUC and we were the best at it. All the other colleges were jealous of our homecoming. Hell, fuckin’ Loverboy performed once and rocked that shit. * *some facts are made up to enhance this article Today, homecoming has been watered down to drunk alumni singing Journey at Kam’s and Ron Zook’s yearly purchasing of Just For Men: Touch of Grey. (Note: this year’s buying will take place between 2 and 2:10 PM on Thursday September 29th at the Walgreens on Green St.). Therefore, U of I’s homecoming has joined the ranks of Carrie Fisher and laundry. We’re washed up. Borrowing a phrase Grandma Azar used to tell me, U of I, “Needs to stop being such a queer and a disgrace to the family name.” It has become imperative to get this homecoming rolling again. The first step is to get you all excited about our school! This is the University of Illinois, goddammit, and we’re all here for a reason — we didn’t get into Michigan. Champaign-Urbana has much to offer. The twin cities are a confluence of subcultures that can provide fun times for just about anyone. Drive your Tahoe to Champaign and you can throw on a tank, flip flops and a neon backwards hat and be a star; rollerblade over to Urbana and listen to some Ra Ra Riot or take the bus to north Champaign and be in the middle of a Waka Flocka Flame music video. Whatever your taste, UIUC has it.
Other stuff
Inside
07: A Bro in a Strange Land
How would a bro fare in a women’s studies class?
U of I is a triple threat: Academics, social and athletics. We are blessed to go to a school that ranks as one of the top public schools in the nation. We go to classes taught by Nobel laureates and TAs who make really good guesses at our names and often get the first letter right. Kim Lee, my name is Phil, not Peter, but keep up the solid work. The classroom is also a great atmosphere for us budding intellectuals where we can solve the problems of modern day, such as: The current economic turmoil, the political upheaval in Russia, or perfecting our signature in the margins of our notebooks. Although there’s much emphasis on the greek system at U of I, anyone can get jiggy with it at the C-U. How cool is the 19 bar age? Pretty cool. President Hogan is down like a clown for underage drinking. But sometimes the bar scene can get expensive and hurt the student’s wallets. No need to worry, friends. Every bar has awesome deals. Red Lion has Shacker Night. Kam’s has a dude named Kyle selling Jager Bombs at the door and Tuesday night Illini Inn has $7 whiskey cokes. Buy 5 and get the 6th half off! You know where to find me any given Tuesday… ladies ;). If the bars don’t fit your palate, fraternity and sorority houses provide enough homoerotic energy to fill you up. Not greek? It’s fine. You can chill in the dorms. The most underrated dorms in the country in fact. Only three were considered the worst dorms in the country last year and President Hogan announced this summer that things will certainly change. We’re going for a bingo this year. 5 in a row. Oh, still bored? Catch a sports game at the place where they play sports. Each year, homecoming is celebrated with a football game. This year we are up against Northwestern. Wildcats? Sweet. Now, some liberals might say that our Chief Illiniwek degrades Native Americans and objectifies humans. I heard this same debate when my father built a strip mall over some sacred Sioux burial ground. That’s when I said, “Who doesn’t benefit from having a T.J. Maxx on the west side of town?” Chief Illiniwek is like T.J. Maxx. It’s cheap, has a great return policy and gives the homeless and the middle class something to have in common. This homecoming celebrate your pride in the Chief and in the great, everyday low prices with quality guaranteed only found at your T.J. Maxx.
18: top 10 ways to crash a homecoming tailgate Just wear an orange shirt, duh.
Continued on Page 19... 20-21: Pygmalion We give you the lowdown on the festivaliest music festival in ChampaignUrbana