Volume 19, Issue 8 — 10/05/11 - 10/12/11 — www.theblacksheeponline.com
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Excerpts from Christopher Columbus’ Journal
corey wrote this
August 2, 1492 I’m finally setting sail tomorrow in search of a western route to the Indies. It’s about damn time; I’ve been trying to get someone to sponsor me for years. It’s like, do they want to get in on this lucrative spice trade or not? Finally Ferdinand’s love for a dash of cinnamon with his French toast and addiction to opiates got the best of him. It’s your lucky day, Ferdinand! After I successfully navigate this route, you can have all the cinnamon and opium your heart desires. I have been so stressed preparing for this trip. It is a logistical nightmare getting things in order when you could be away from home for a year. Thank goodness my neighbor has been so gracious about house sitting. Let’s see, he’s going to pick up my mail and newspaper, water my plants—I hope he doesn’t overwater the hydrangeas, I specifically told him to be careful about that—and clean my pool. I told him he could swim in the pool if he wants. It was the polite thing to do, but I honestly don’t really want him swimming in my pool. And the cats can take care of themselves. I’ll just put a big bowl of kitty crunchies and a water dish down or something. That’s all figured out, but packing my suitcase is still a source of much anxiety. What am I going to do about underwear? I never pack enough even on day trips, and there will be no opportunity to do laundry on the ship. I have 100 pairs right now. Is that enough? I think I’ll go add more. I have three pairs of socks, two pairs of jeans, and a few gym shorts thrown in. I know I probably won’t work out, but losing ten pounds was my New Year’s resolution, and it’s already August. If I don’t pack them, I definitely won’t work out, so at least I’m giving my thighs a chance of toning up. And should I bring my bathing suit? Even if I have time to swim, do they have swimming pools in the Indies? I’ll pack it anyway; it’s always good to have. I know I’ll regret it if they have an awesome pool and I’m stuck in jeans. I feel like I forgot to pack something. I’ve gone over the checklist multiple times, but I just have that feeling. Ugh, I’ll have to trust I included everything. August 4, 1492 I forgot my damn toothbrush. I knew it! What good is toothpaste without the brush? Am I just supposed to use my finger? I always feel so gross doing that. The rest of my first day was okay. Once I got on board, I immediately stuffed my mouth full of Dramamine. If I had forgotten that, I would have turned this ship right around. It was an absolutely gorgeous day. I decided I would take a few minutes to relax and sunbathe on the deck. The bathing suit is paying off already! Good call, Christopher. Other than that, not much happened. The crew seems nice. Everyone is settling in well. August 20, 1492 I hate it here. Today we were all examining the map to track our progress and formulate a plan going forward. I looked at the compass and said, “Cardinal directions, eh? Out here, it’s more like seagull directions, am I right?” No one laughed. A joke like that would have killed in my crowd back home. And the other day I overheard some crew members saying this was the boring of the three ships and that everyone on the Nina and Pinta was having a blast. The Santa Maria is not a boring ship! We have shuffleboard, and game night every Wednesday, and salsa lessons! I’m a
Other stuff
Inside
06: What Your Ex Was Really Saying to You
It’s not you, it’s me, and by me, I mean you (suck a lot).
fun guy! The Nina and Pinta can have their late night drunken revelry, tickle fights, and singing of jaunty sea tunes. We have a very respectable trio of a cappella singers here on the Santa Maria called the Sea Section. They provide tasteful three part harmonies everyone can enjoy. So screw you guys! In other news, my sexual arousal is out of control. Over the past week I’ve seen mirages of busty, promiscuous mermaids six times. If I don’t unleash this energy soon I’m going to start humping the ship itself. August 21, 1492 Painful penis splinters. September 9, 1492 As the sun was setting tonight, I gazed out at the horizon. The encroaching darkness combined with the boundless nature of the ocean made me feel so insignificant. I am but an inconsequential speck in this universe, no more important than a piece of seaweed—a slave to the random motions of the sea. If my ship sunk tomorrow and I sank into the abyss along with the splintered bits of wood, this planet would not know any different. Would I be missed? In the short term, yes. But on a geological time scale, no. That is true for every being that has ever existed and ever will exist. What is the ultimate nature of human life? This is a philosophical question I will continue to ponder. Holy shit, I almost forgot, I saw a dolphin today! And so many cool fish! Things are looking up. September 29, 1492 There was an awful storm last night. For hours the crew adjusted sails and held on to ropes for their dear lives. One of our crew members perished, but he was actually a fugitive and I think he was stealing extra rations of food this whole time so whatever. The real tragedy is that the ship suffered some significant damage. This thing is a rental, and stupid me didn’t spring for the renter’s insurance. That’s going to be hanging over my head the rest of the trip now. The only positive is that the ship was due for a good cleaning, and the rain saved me the hassle. October 13, 1492 Yesterday we spotted land! Someone spotted it before me and was the first to shout, “land, ho!” I told everyone from day one that I wanted to be the first to say that. It was the only rule we had. I literally carved it into the ship. At any rate, he will not be getting his bonus when this is all over. It’s such a relief to finally be in the Indies. We had the pleasure of meeting the natives. They were very nice, so polite and willing to give. I kept asking for the cinnamon and opium, but they acted like they had no idea what I was talking about. It must be the language barrier. I’ll keep trying to build relations with them over the next few weeks. This promises to be a mutually beneficial relationship that will in no way end in their demise.
08: The Hunt for Your Perfect Apartment
If you like cockroaches and mildrew, we got the place for you!
10: Gangland:12 Blocks of Belligerence The rough-andtumble life on the hard, fratty streets.