Volume 5, Issue 6 | 10/05/11 -10/12/11 | theblacksheeponline.com
The
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“A College Newspaper That’s Actually About College”
Mating Habits at MSU billy gardner wrote this Maybe we’ve all been born to become the oversexed generation the media makes us out to be, but the basis of this article comes from empirical evidence observed in the creatures’ actual habitat. In the Canadian ticklin’ mitten, Michigan State University males and females display mating habits irregular to any species in the animal kingdom.
MSU students hold a wide range of sexual behavior from monogamy to promiscuity, and heterosexuality to homosexuality. Within this wide array of behavior, it is not uncommon for the species to come across conflicts throughout the mating process. When a former mate of the female spots her inebriated gyrations with the other male, he will beat his chest as a demonstration of his dominance.
The spectacle begins when the female receives a notification on her cellular phone that the male has inboxed her on Facebook, exclaiming that he’d like to take her out for nourishment. It is not uncommon for a male of this species to allure the opposite sex with promises of food. The female responds accordingly, tweeting that she is “shopping for a new outfit for my date tonight! ;).” The female here cleverly claims her territory to the other females in the area while beginning the molting process: removing her sweatpants and hoodie worn throughout the day’s classes.
The female has caused what is known as the “Helen of Troy effect” where both males begin to rally what they call “their boys” for support. Humans are known to be the smartest animals in the kingdom, but these interactions, having never been recorded before, display their primal instincts. 99% of time the outcome of the rally yields no resolution as both groups only make loud gestures and chest bumpings in order to intimidate the other group without any further action.
A recent study put forth by the World Wildlife Organization (WWO) shows that 90% of MSU females spend as much on their entire outfit at Forever 21 as a male does on a single cotton designer graphic v-neck t-shirt. Researchers believe females are able to compensate for their inexpensive garb by taking an average of 5 times as long to fully dress for the night. Once the couple has devoured their prey at the cafeteria, the night continues at the local watering hole, knocking back shots of overly sugared SoCo limes on special for 3 dollars apiece. Studies show this behavior allows the Homo sapiens to muster up their confidence with this sort of “liquid courage” needed in order to rub up and down on each other all night while Salt n Peppa’s “Push It” sets the tone in the background.
Other stuff
Inside
04: East lansing celebrities somehow a preacher and a dog ended up on the same list.
The problem with the male’s charade is that the female has now moved on to another mate. This strategy becomes a defense mechanism for the female; she is now able to hunt for another potential mate. In this instance, the female has achieved a great success in her quest to mate—she received sustenance at no cost to her. Once she squeezes as many nutrients (well drinks) out of the unsuspecting male, she again moves on. Both the male and female appearance is exposed at the local watering hole when the lights randomly descend on their sweat and alcohol drenched bodies. Our male and female may never find each other again through the hoards of revolting carcasses passed out on the sticky flypaper floor, but both will continue this process every Thursday, Friday, and Saturday evening in hopes of copulation.
07: scrawls on bathroom walls
you drunks are appalling, yet terribly amusing.
13: we interview john linnell from grammy winning band they might be giants