The Black Sheep
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• a college newspaper that’s actually about college •
Volume 6, Issue 3 1/26/12 - 2/1/12
theblacksheeponline.com
I'm a
"liberal" professor ziev beresh wrote this
Ahem. Greetings class. I’m a liberal professor. Before I begin teaching today I would like to remind you that the structure of our course is highly experimental. i.e.: I have not planned anything out for it. So you can all stop this business of asking what is due or where you can find the syllabus. I believe that we need to undo all the “education” you’ve been getting and only use techniques that will teach you how to learn. I employ a modified version of the ancient Greek Socratic method, so you will mostly learn by listening to all of the anecdotes that come into my head during our truly aimless discussions. I have a moustache. I will curse frequently. I will make references to my wife and my sex life. Your inside will tell you that such jokes seem off. Your outside will laugh on cue. On a few days I will stop speaking for the duration of class and allow all of you to lead the discussion. It will be positively uncomfortable. Not unlike the future of our planet if people continue to fuck it up. In fact, I was just reading on the Huffington Post about baby polar bears who are drowning because of all the melting ice in the arctic. Who’s gonna save the baby polar bears? I’m certainly not. Are you? So let’s adopt some goddamn energy efficient everything to get Earth back to the way it was. Hrm. Sorry, class. My wife calls these my “Al Gore Moments.” Gore is on her bang list, along with Obama and Ulysses S. Grant. She likes politicians. I don’t like politicians. I especially don’t like, as you may have guessed, Republicans. Why any of these two-bit candidates are even on TV in the first place is beyond me. They’re all escapees from the loony bin. Now, enough of that boring stuff. Hah. Class, let’s talk about the origins of happiness. I know them. I’m your professor. But rather than tell you what these origins are, I will instead call on one of you to see what answer you’ll contrive. Once you’ve inadvertently stated society’s prevailing notions of happiness and revealed your unique style
Other stuff
Inside
An Email From Your Dad
of bullshit artistry to the class, I’ll completely shoot you down with a simple answer that is inarguably correct. Let’s begin. Genevieve: What are the origins of happiness? Success, you say? By success do you mean money? Even if that isn’t what you meant, you’re not wrong, Genevieve. Money provides comforts that definitely make life easier. Hell, I should know thanks to the sales from my last book. But contrary to what those Wall Street fuckwads will tell you, it isn’t money that gives us happiness. It’s love. Class, you don’t need a therapist; go have a long conversation with your parents about your childhood. You don’t need friends; go get a boyfriend or a girlfriend, that’s everyone you need. You see, everything you’ve been told about how to live your life is a lie. Just remember, if it feels good and it doesn’t hurt anyone, do it. That’s what she said.
See what the old man has been up to, gosh darn it!
Do you have what it takes? Specifically, are you willing to pay us?
the winter months can make us gross, so big ups for the kisses.
see page 4
see page 7
see page 11
Becoming a The Black Sheep Writer
An Ode to Those Who Still Love Us
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Table of > > > PAGE 4>>> The Top Ten
page 7 >>
PAGE 5 >>
The Culture Corner: A Modern Art Review
page 10 >> Bartender of the Week
page 5 >>
Deal or No Deal
page 10 >> Recipe for Disaster
page 6 >>
Party Pics & Shoutouts page 13 >> Jersey Shore No More
Biggest tv mysteries... oooh!
The art around this town makes us frown.
How to best stretch a buck in good ole’ East Lansing.
you guys had some things to get off your chest, and here they are.
From the Streets
what's the biggest lie you've ever told?
contents 5 5
Diane of Harper’s fame just loves your shoes.
However you want to mash "bacon" and "sausage" together is fine by us.
we miss the good ole days, when snooki was sloppy and we didn't know about deena's ass.
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@msublacksheep Search: Black Sheep MSU
page three
pic of the week >>> did you get a fancy schmancy smartphone for the holidays? Well, aren't you special.
download our free app for iphone and android
so at least you can check the bar specials while in class.
If this whole college thing doesn't work out, may we suggest a career as a sex slave?
Search: Black Sheep Mobile
Alright, so you are pretty special.
Think your caption is good enough for Page Three? Psh, we’d like to see it! Send your caption to
got party pics? we really, really want to see them. really. pics@theblacksheeponline.com
caption@theblacksheeponline.com
sexy anagrams >>> last week’s answers
Diora Baird & Christopher Meloni
Can you guess these hotties?
Send your answers to celebs@theblacksheeponline.com
The first 5 right answers win prizes!
word of the week >>> Hairvoyant
Jack Mini In
A Ragbag Cleanlier
submit your own word at word@theblacksheeponline.com if you think you’re so clever.
Definition: One’s ability to judge the cleanliness of a potential mate’s pubic region based on their appearance when clothed. Bethany’s hairvoyant nature proved correct when she accurately predicted Kevin’s Black Forest balls.
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THe top ten Biggest TV Mysteries 10) True Blood With all the money that Anna Paquin is making while playing Sookie Stackhouse, why doesn’t she get that huge gap in her teeth fixed? Clearly she has noticed it by this point, as it literally may be the biggest gap you can see from space outside of the Grand Canyon. 9) Portlandia Do hipsters embrace the wicked satire of this show and enjoy it, or do they despise this sort of humor and then ironically enjoy it? There’s no telltale sign one way or the other! This isn’t like accidentally leaving one of your J.D. Salinger novels at a co-op and then coming back a week later to find it encrusted in love stains. We know you thoroughly enjoy Holden Caulfied, hipster nation, now what do you think of Portlandia?
an email from your dad bailey walsh wrote this From: eddiependerson15@gmail.com To: pen15@msu.edu Subject: Just checking in……
exotic like that… had a terrible temper but she always yelled at me in mexican…really more of a turn on than anything…LOL
Hey kiddo,
BTW……all of this stays between us…I don’t need any more bitchin’ from your ma today. Hell… I’d think the old hag was on her period if her parts weren’t all dried up down there. JK! I’m pretty sure everything still works. just might be some cobwebs in the way….LMAO
How ya doin? Your ma thought you might be feeling a little homesick now that you’ve been back at school for a few weeks…well, that and she can’t figure out how to do the facebook…something about playing tag on there? Tagging each other? Hell, I don’t know. All this virtual stuff is too much for me to keep up with… why would anyone play tag online anyway? Back in my day, we went outside and played tag—fresh air, sunshine, good exercise…nowadays you got kids weighing 300 pounds because they’re playing tag on the computer while they eat potato chips and drink cola. Anywho, enough of that jazz… just call your mom, k? Oh, ya, speaking of the old ball and chain…..I need your help thinking of something to get your ma for Valentine’s Day. Word from the wise, son… if a woman ever says, “I don’t want anything,” she’s lying. Women always want something……they may not tell you what they want, but it’s never nothing. I tested that theory last year and went to bed without a suckjob…LOL. That is what you kids are calling it these days…… right? I can’t keep up with all the slang you kids come up with…suckjobs? blowoffs? mouthtugs? Speaking of which…get any of those lately? If you are… which you should be if your anything like your old man… be careful not to slip it anywhere unless ya got some rubbers… Ha, I remember those days.… the ladies were always open to lovin’ if you know what I mean… Cindy Dominga especially. Cindy was the woman before your mother…and lord knows I love your mother… but that Cindy was somthin’ else. She was one of those latinas…mexican or something
So…anyway…what’s new with you kiddo? New classes going O.K.? Got your text about needing more sparty money on your account…your ma said she took care of it. What’s the point of those sparty dollars anyway…so you don’t go spending everything on booze and nudey magazines? Guess that’s probably a good reason…you need to be focusing on your studies anyway… I’m not pouring my life savings into your tuition for you to act like a bonehead…I know you want to party down and get rowdy with your friends……but there’s a time and a place for shenanigans so you better not be cutting any of your classes this term. What classes are you taking this term anyway? You know… it wouldn’t kill ya to take a business class or two…it’s a heck of a lot more practical in this economy than any of that artsy BS they’re teaching you kids these days. Back when I was in school…you took farming classes or math classes…the essentials…and we paid 12 bucks a credit hour. I paid for my tuition with the money I made from my paper route and my summers working at GE…back when you had to get your hands dirty to make a dollar…now you got computers for everything. Ah… guess I can’t be too cynical…you kids will be fine… more feminine…but fine. Well, I won’t keep ya reading too much longer, son…I’m sure you’ve got tests to study for… TTYL. LYLAS. -Pops P.S.- Don’t forget to call your mom about the facebook…… she’s been talking about it all morning.
8) Pawn Stars How does this pawn shop owner know so many people who all have such intricate knowledge about specific antiques? Honestly, anything brought into this guy’s store and he will say something like, “Oh, I’ve got a close friend who’s great at determining the authenticity of fossilized poo from Nazi war criminals. I’ll call him right now and if these turn out to be official then maybe I’ll be harvesting Joseph Mengele’s dingleberries from you!” 7) Tyler Perry’s House of Payne Why is this show on television for six hours a day every day? Is this what Dr. King meant when he said, “I have a dream”? Did he really want six hours of Tyler Perry a day? 6) The Voice Why don’t they just look at the contestant while they sing? It’s not like the producers would put DirrtyXtina and company in an awkward position by sending a singing talent with an eye-patch and vertigo on stage. 5) The Big Bang Theory Why are there no scenes of the nerds masturbating while using a sock with the hot girl’s name written on it? This show does not accurately portray how the friendzone operates. In real life, the hot-girl would hang out with her dorky “friends” while they fawned over her and she talked about her boy troubles. Then she would leave to go on a date and get filled by some Bruce Wayne-millionaire-playboy-Batman type, while the nerds would jack-off (again) using the strands of hair they swiped from her hairbrush. 4) The Biggest Loser What does a Jillian Michaels fart smell like? I’m no scientician, but if we’re speculating, I think we can safely guess that it smells like Muscle Milk and supplements mixed with blood—a smell that would send a pang of terror through any contestant while they flounder during their stepaerobics. 3) The Brady Bunch Did anything ever seem dramatic or realistic on this show? This show completely missed the authentic aspects of dysfunctional family life. Where’s the drinking, eating disorders, and problem gambling? Where’s the episode where Marsha had to secretly get an abortion because Mr. Brady impregnated her? If you want realistic drama, please, look much further. 2) Happy Days Why was the high school dropout who’s living above the garage considered cool by everyone? We all knew a real-life Fonzie, and no, he’s wasn’t cool at all. He was just some guy who dropped out of your high school and then lived above someone’s garage while he huffed varnish and sold shitty weed to middle-schoolers. Ehhhhhh? 1) Dance Moms How did Abbey Lee get so fat originally? Theorists suspect that it was most likely the result of a week-long chocolate cram-fest (not a sexual thing, just an eating binge) that was the result of her rejection from Broadway. It’s surprising that her dance studio has survived this long, because if given the option between an immovable blob as an instructor and a skinny flexible one, which one would you choose? Think about it—you wouldn’t go to a dermatologist who has acne or see a speech therapist from Canada.
justin gawel wrote this
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The Culture Corner: A Modern Art Review teddy baum cox wrote this When one thinks of East Lansing, their first thoughts may not be of a city filled with highclass art aficionados. More likely, one would think of a bunch of college drunkards bumbling and stumbling their way home from the bars on any given night (or afternoon). However, if these judgmental assholes took the time to dig a little deeper, they would find a campus filled with highbrow culture. And there is nothing with a higher brow than modern art. In an emotional quest to seek a deeper understanding of these cultural gems, I asked the most cultured person I know to join me—a fellow Spartan student in the College of Arts and Letters. Our first stop was an often seen, but rarely appreciated turtle tribute statue nestled on the corner of M.A.C. and Albert. What jumped out to me immediately is how the dull green was complimented by the surrounding grey sky and grey snow. The way in which these turtles are stacked onto one another in this piece, as if they were in pain, made me feel depressed. I can only imagine that this work was commissioned by the always ambitious but frequently misinformed East Lansing City Council in some vain attempt to further gentrify the area of town that currently hosts several bars, a CVS, and a liquor store. My colleague had this to say: “I actually don’t know what is going on with this piece. I haven’t seen anything like it in my classes and there aren’t any nameplates to help me identify it. It looks like it is made of metal and the turtles seem to be having a good time; that’s really all I can tell you.” With that insightful comment we proceeded to what I can only describe as the “giant-ass T” located on the north side of Snyder Phillips. I felt that this piece was less depressing than the previous work, but I found myself getting angrier the longer I looked at it. Although the piece consisted of bold blacks and reds (colors that often make my mood fluctuate), it was the thought of how much money MSU squandered erecting this incredibly long and stiff sculpture that got me all hot and bothered. Noticing that our expert was also looking a tad rattled, I asked for his thoughts:
deal or no deal? leanne johnson wrote this
“Don’t write this down,Teddy, but I have to give you full disclosure here. All the classes I take are jokes, we just write about our feelings and talk about how much more ‘cultured’ we are. I can’t tell you a single damn thing about this thing expect that it is definitely a capital T. Just make up some smart shit for your article.” Moving on to the last (and probably worst) piece located right outside of the Kresge Art Center is a jagged, fecal-brown metal abomination. For this particular piece, it is believed that halfway through its construction, MSU cut the funding and the artist lost their motivation (i.e. ran out of drugs). So, now this sad heap of metal sits outside a decaying Kresge Art Center while hipster art students admire it as they puff on their squares. Fantastic, isn’t it? While we were able to touch on a few of these important works of art, I think it’s necessary students make more of an effort to appreciate the other masterpieces that surround us. The next time you walk home from the bar,stop and check out some of East Lansing’s fine art— we can show the world that there is more to MSU than beautiful women, cheap booze, loose morals and dominating sports teams. Actually…on second thought— fuck art. We’ll see you uninformed bastards at the bar.
As college students with limited funds, we’re always looking for the best deals on everything from alcohol to toilet paper to ramen (the essentials). Although many companies offer deals and coupons, East Lansing is home to a few businesses that have “special bargains” to satisfy their clientele of broke college kids. At the surface, many of these seem like good deals, but digging a little deeper will show you the bullshit that hides behind closed doors. The Deal: Paying $10 for fifty crispy, golden, McDonald’s Chicken McNuggets, two large crispy, golden French fries, and two large fountain drinks during their upcoming Super Bowl promos. With the strict policies on Bridge Cards and the costliness of upscale fast food like Jimmy John’s and Noodles & Co., many of us can (seemingly) benefit from this deal. The Catch: Stingy sauce rules. With fifty fucking nuggets, you’re going to need some serious sauce. And who wants to pay an extra $.30-$.70 a pop for each additional one after the sixth? Hell no! Your best bet is stocking up on some Sweet Baby Ray’s or Hidden Valley and keeping that shit handy for special occasions as these. Another downfall of this deal is your potential development of some pesky chronic health issue, such as high cholesterol or Type II Diabetes, but hey, the guy on Supersize Me didn’t die…yet. The Deal: $2 Tuesdays at V.I.P Tanning. Everyone has a secret desire to have that orange-y glow and flaky skin all year long, but not everyone has the cash to spend on unlimited tanning packages or trips to Mexico. With this deal, you can gather the change from your couch cushions and whatever is lying around the CATA bus once a week to maintain that “healthy” glow.
The Catch: Apparently tanning beds cause melanoma…who knew? Either way, it sounds expensive. And because this deal is only offered on Tuesdays and you’re a cheapskate, you may experiment with longer sessions and give yourself a nasty burn. Be careful to avoid ass-burns though, as they’re a real pain in the… seats of a lecture hall. The Deal: For those of us not willing to trust the manlady at Fantastic Sam’s and too embarrassed to be seen at Great Clips, the Douglas J Institute is a cheap alternative for a (seemingly) nice salon haircut. Here, you don’t have to pay the salon price of $50 for a simple trim from a washed up cosmetologist, but instead just $16 from a bright, prospective cosmetologist who hasn’t inhaled 20 years worth of hair color. You also get a complimentary head massage and shampooing (another way to stretch your dollar and $0.94 bottle of Suave). The Catch: The fancy building and cool swiveling chairs act as a façade to distract customers from the fact that an uncertified cosmetologist student is cutting, and possibly coloring, your precious hair. Although they look like perfectly nice people, they are still complete newbies when it comes to hair styling. So, basically what we’re saying is… don’t be surprised if that picture of Jessica Alba’s new ‘do comes out looking a little more like Joe Dirt—business in the front, party in the back. At the end of the day, it all comes down to personal preference. If you need to save the cash now, go for the deal. If you want to save your skin from diseases, heart from possible cardiac arrest, and face from Snooki-lookalike status, it’s probably better to spend the extra cash.
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SHOUT OUTS! Jake, you look like an idiot in those giant brown boots. Please don't let your mom buy you clothes again. -Mike and Steve To the DJ Saturday...Wearing expensive headphones does not make you an artist. Just play the songs for more than one minute each and don't drop the beat. Thanks. Drunk girl at Pita Pit...you looked good with that mayo on your face. -dude in Rose jersey who gave you pickles Owning a dragon pillow pet is not acceptable for a grown man to have on his bed. Hide that shit. -Eggz Michelle, I had a great time stuffing snow down your pant and thanks for putting some down mine. I hope that helps explain what happened in bed. -John Blonde in the mini skirt at PTs who asked me if I was related to Drew Carey...I hate you. There's NO CRYING IN (wii) BASEBALL - SCOTT!!! Jesssss - way to bring in the 21st...the bathroom smelled like Jager for a week... Ginger on crutches in the Union on Friday...if you REALLY wanted a piggyback ride up the stairs, you should have asked like you meant it. Amanda, next time we make out, warn me that you've had a tray of blue shots...smurftastic SEND IN YOUR BEST SHOUT OUT TO SHOUT@theblacksheeponline.com or upload them at theblacksheeponline.com
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Becoming A The Black Sheep writer
From 'da Streets Got a question you want us to ask? FTS@theblacksheeponline.com!
What's the biggest lie you've ever told?
Cody Manthei wrote this Have you ever sat, while reading The Black Sheep, and thought to yourself, “Man, I would be so cool if I were a writer for The Black Sheep.” Well, it’s true. You would be. But, I would be lying if I told you that it were all peppermint sticks and funsauce. The truth of the matter is: This shit ain’t easy. There is a very emotionallydraining process through which a plebian (like you) becomes an esteemed comedy writer (like one of us).
"Yeah...I've never showed my boobs to anyone while I was drunk." - Erica S., Senior
The first stage is being nervous, though this is completely natural. During this time you may worry that this lifestyle is a little too “rock-and-roll” or “not-resumeappropriate” and wonder if you’re really ready for it. In fact, it’s not unusual for new writers to start wearing tight leather pants and pissing in public as a way to cope with this rollercoaster of emotion. My only advice here is: Do it. If you need to blow up a car or incite a bar brawl to calm your nerves, that’s just part of the process. Once you’ve succeeded in taming your nerves, doubt is right around the corner. You’ll feel like you’ll never accomplish anything in your life and question every decision you made up to this point. Everything from your major to your breakfast that morning will seem like the worst decision in the world. You’ll start filling out applications to clown college and writing your mom a letter, stating that she was right when she said, “an English degree is for pussies.” This can be crippling, like Tiny Tim status. “God bless us, everyone” my ass, you feeble motherfucker. Once all of this accumulates, you’ll sink into a dark depression. This stage of the process will last between one and six months depending on your emotional integrity. You will mainly seclude yourself (pull a Salinger). After the bed sores and depression weight come and go, you may find that a box of wine and re-runs of Mad About You become part of your daily routine. It’s important to be particularly careful during this time because it’ll be very easy to crash in this state of drunken depression. For times like these, I recommend PCP (the gentleman's upper, as we call it) and The Black Sheep has a great dealer on staff for that.
"I'm straight." - Hammy H., Junior
to jump off the roof just because you know you could survive the fall. Don’t act on that urge! At least not yet— because there’s more. A light will now shine on the horizon: You’ll start to feel self-confident again, and most importantly, you’ll know being part of the flock is a possibility for you. The most important part of this stage, though, is the revival of your comedic inspiration. Once you begin cracking jokes at other people’s expense on a regular basis, you’ll get laid like never before. Enjoy this part, you silly goose—you will have earned it.
"once you begin cracking jokes at other people's expense on a regular basis, you'll get laid like never before."
The next stage is the hangover—this won’t last long, but it will hurt worse than Johnny Cash. If you can imagine taking a taser to the back of the head while simultaneously getting hit by an oil tanker that’s on fire, that would give you an idea of a fraction of the pain you can expect to experience. Unfortunately, you’ll have to get used to this stage if you want to become one of us, as it’s the most important stage to becoming a writer for this paper. This is the only constant in our line of work, but once you make it through this point, you’ll feel like you can get through anything. You may have the urge
Now you’re at the final stage, which is a hyper-surrealistic, comedic universe where booze is currency and working hours are between 9 p.m. and 3 a.m. There’s not really a name for this stage because it’s more of a feeling… but, now you’re finally ready. You can hang up the leather pants and kick the PCP habit that you’ve acquired over the past month because dick jokes are your new addiction. You should be proud—not everyone can handle the pressure of The Black Sheep. We may haze you more than a frat house, but we promise to love you more than your own mother. So, now that you have a glimpse of what it’s like to become one of us, the only question that remains is: Do you have the luster, Colonel Mustard?
"That I'm not drunk." - Ann B., Junior
Vegas Night 2012!
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@MSUVegasN ight
Raising the stakes
satuRday, JanuaRy 28th 2012 | 5pm- 1am east Lansing maRRiott @ univeRsity pLace
visit ouR website foR moRe info vegasnightmsu.com
The Bar Grid
January 2010 Happy Hour: Monday – Friday 3-6pm. $2.00: Domestic Pints $2.50: Well Drinks ½ Off: Potato Skins, Onion Rings, and Hush Puppies.
THURSDAY: 4 - 8PM: Burger Bash! Half Off All Drinks, $1 Burgers, $1 Waffle Fries Wednesday Thursday Daily Specials: After 8PM: $2.50 Miller Lite, Coors 31 Monday 9pm-Close DJ Beats (Front Bar) $2.50 - PintsLight, Rolling Rock Bottles DJ Minze (Back Bar) $2.50 – Call Drinks $2.50 Call Drinks, SoCo Lime and TuesdayKamikazes! 9pm-Close $3.50 Long Islands 6 7
SPECIAL NIGHT
TUESDAY: Friday $3 All PintsSaturday 1 $3 Calls DJ Beats (Front Bar) Global Village DJ Minze (Back Bar) DJ Juan 10PM
2
8 9 $2.00 – Well Drinks DJ Beats (Front Bar) DJ Beats (Front Bar) The Whirly Birds $3.00 – Premium Drafts 1/2 Off Wednesday DJ Minze (Back Bar) DJ Minze (Back Bar) $4.00 - Irish Car Bombs Wednesday 9pm-Close 1/2 Off Everything 13 14 15 16 $2.00 – Domestic Drafts DJ Beats (Front Bar) DJ Beats (Front Bar) except premiums $2.50 – Well Drinks DJ Minze (Back Bar) DJ Minze (Back Bar) The Ice Boxers $3.00 – Bombs $3.99 Basket of Wings Thursday 9pm-Close from 4pm-9pm $2.50 – Pints 20 21 22 23 $2.50 – Call Drinks DJ Juan 10PM DJ Beats (Front Bar) DJ Beats (Front Bar) STAR FARM Friday 9pm-Close DJ Minze (Back Bar) DJ Minze (Back Bar) $3.50 – All Pints 4 - 8PM: Burger Bash! $3.00 – Well Drinks Half Off All Drinks, Saturday 9pm-Close 27 28 29 30 $3.50 – All Pints $1 Burgers, $1 Waffle Fries DJ Beats (Front Bar) DJ Beats (Front Bar) $3.00 – Well Drinks After 8PM: $2.50 Miller Lite, Coors DJ Minze (Back Bar) DJ Minze (Back Bar) DJ Beats Sunday All Day Light, Rolling $3.00 –Bloody Mary & MimosasRock Bottles $3.00 – Pints $2.50 Call Drinks, SoCo Lime and $8.00 – Burger, Fries & Pint$3.50 Long Kamikazes! Islands Every Day $3.00 – Kamikaze Shots Dublin Square Irish Pub $4.00 – Pinnacle Bombs 327 Abbott Rd East Lansing MI 48823 9pm – Close Every Day
$2.50 Bottles of Bud & Bud Light $3 Rumpleminz White Gummy Bears $2 Well Drinks or $4 Doubles
WED, 1/25
$3 Domestic Lites $3 Wells Cheap Dates & DJ Beats
THURS, 1/26
4 - 7PM: 1/2 Off All Drinks All you can eat nachos! ½ Off –After Potato Skins 7PM: $3 Jack Daniels, Hush Puppies Onion Rings All&Pints and Drafts, SoCo Lime, and Kamikazes
FRI, 1/27
$3.50 Domestic Lites $3.50 Wells Avon Bomb & DJ Donny D For More Information Contact Us: (517) 3512222 www.dublinsquare.net Or Text: “Dublin Square” to 839863 for specials & updates.
*Ladies Night~ Every Thursday!
$6.99 Combos Everyday M-F! Mon-Thurs Happy Hour (4-8) $3 Well Drinks $3.50 23 oz. Domestic Drafts $1 Off All Wines $1 Off All Appetizers
1/2 OFF Wednesday Half-off all food, ALL DAY!
4pm – 8pm: Happy Hour 8pm – 2am $3 Double Wells, $3.50 23oz Domestics $3 Choice Shots, $2 Kamikaze
1/2 OFF Wednesday Half-off all food, ALL DAY!
4pm – 8pm: Happy Hour 8pm – 2am
$3 Double Wells, $3.50 23oz Domestics $3 Choice Shots, $2 Kamikaze
BURGERAMA! 3pm-9pm BURGERS $1.50
4pm – 8pm: Happy Hour FREE TACO BAR $3 Corona, Sol, Land Shark Bottles $2 Rolling Rock Bottles $4 Loaded Land Shark Bottles $4 Dirty Corona Bottles $3 Shot Of Well Tequila $6 Margarita/Daiquiri Mini Pitchers
Friday Fish Fry $7.50 All you can eat fish fry!
$3.50 Captain & Flavored Vodkas $3 SoCo Lime and Kamikazes $3 Domestic Bottles
$3.50 Domestic Lites $3.50 Wells $4 Smirnoff Flavors Charger and DJ Beats
Saturday Happy Hour $5 Domestic Pitchers $1 Off All Wines $2 Single Wells
Take a break and come in!
SUN, 1/29
We're resting up for the Super Bowl!
$3 Pints, Calls, and Bacardi Bombs $3 Bloody Mary’s and Mimosas $8 Burger & Fries with a Pint
Sunday Morning (11 am. – 4 pm.) $3 23 oz. Domestic Drafts Bloody Mary Bar Sunday Happy Hour $1 Off All Kraft Beers $3 23 oz Domestic Drafts ½ Off All Appetizers
6:00pm - 10:00pm Taco Trio with drink purchase 3 beef tacos $2.75 3 chicken tacos $2.75
MON, 1/30
$5 Premium Pitchers $4.50 Labbatt's Pitchers $4 Domestic Pitchers
$2 Domestic Lites $2 Well Drinks
4pm – 8pm: Happy Hour $3 Well Drinks $4 Tall Domestic Drafts $1 Off All Wines & All Appetizers 8pm – 2am: $3 Double Wells $3.50 23oz Domestics $3 Choice Shots, $2 Kamikaze
Half-off all food, ALL DAY
TUES, 1/31
$2.50 Miller Lite, Coors Light, Rolling Rock Bottles $2.50 Call Drinks, SoCo Lime and Kamikazes! $3.50 Long Islands
$3 All Pints $3 Calls DJ Juan 10PM
4pm – 8pm: Happy Hour $4.99 Burger Combo! 8pm – 2am $3 Double Wells, $3.50 23oz Domestics, $3 Choice Shots, $2 Kamikaze
Taco Tuesday Taco Trio with drink purchase, ALL DAY!
WED, 2/1
$2.50 Bottles of Bud & Bud Light $3 Rumpleminz White Gummy Bears $2 Well Drinks or $4 Doubles
1/2 Off Wednesday 1/2 Off Everything except premiums $3.99 Basket of Wings from 4pm-9pm DJ Juan 10PM
4pm – 8pm: Happy Hour 8pm – 2am $3 Double Wells $3.50 23oz Domestics $3 Choice Shots, $2 Kamikaze
1/2 OFF Wednesday Half-off all food, ALL DAY!
SAT, 1/28
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Late Night Happy Hour 9 pm – Close Sunday - Friday: $1.00 off ALL tall Drafts, $3 Smirnoff® flavors, Crown Royal®, Captain Morgan®, Jack Daniel’s®, SoCo®, Jameson Irish Whiskey® & $2 Select Shots PLUS $3 select appetizers
HAPPY HOUR! Mon - Fri, 4-7 1/2 Off Drinks and Drafts
Specials Run All Day & All Night 7 Days A Week!
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Late Night Happy Hour 9 pm – Close MSU Basketball at 8:30pm. Plus, join us for FREE trivia starting at 10pm!
Wipeout Wednesday 1/2 Off Food 1/2 Off Drinks 1/2 Off Beers 1/2 Off Bottles of Wine
$2 Off Pitchers Of Beer $5 16oz Sicilian Long Islands $6 Oasis Sangria Pitchers $3 All Mediterranean Beer & Booze, $5 Off Bottles & $1 Off Glasses All Our Mediterranean Wines $2.49 Falafel Sandwiches $5.99 Mediterranean Pizzas
WED, 1/25
Late Night Happy Hour 9pm – Close 55-cent boneless wings Stop in for lunch - served in 15 minutes or less!
Thirstygirl Thursday DJ EC3 – NO Cover $1.95 You Call It Wells, Calls & Beers
$2 Domestic Pints & Wells $3 Premium/Micro/Craft Pints $3.50 Beef Schawarma Sandwiches, $5.50 Falafel Salads & $6 Chicken Schawarma Salads
THURS, 1/26
Late Night Happy Hour 9pm – Close Pistons at 730pm! Enjoy $3 select appetizers starting at 9pm.
TGIF $2.50 Pints & Bombs $2.50 Captain Drinks $2.50 Jack Drinks
$2 Domestic Pints & $4 Bombs $3 Captain & Bacardi Drinks (All Flavors) $2 Washington Apple Shots Cheeseburger Combo/Falafurger Combo W/Pitcher $11 Dom/$13 Craft
FRI, 1/27
Pistons at 7pm and UFC Tonight…Be Here!
$2 Pints $3 Calls
$5 Domestic & $7 Craft/Premium Pitchers, $5 16oz Long Islands 22oz Dead Guy Ales, $2 SoCo Limes $5 Off Bottles & $1 Off Glasses All Our "Other" Wines Great Food Specials All Day/Night!
SAT, 1/28
Late Night Happy Hour 9pm – Close Enjoy $3 select appetizers starting at 9pm.
SUNDAY SCHOOL NO Cover $1.75 Pints, 1/2 Off Pizza Until 7PM 1/2 Off Adult Beverages 7 - Close
$3 Managers Choice Craft Beer Pints $3 16oz Oasis Bloody Marys & Mimosas $6 Oasis Margarita Pitchers $3.50 Oasis Margarita Glasses $2 Well Whiskey Drinks $5 Off Kabob Combos For Two & $2 Off Veggie Sampler Appetizers
SUN, 1/29
Late Night Happy Hour 9 pm – Close 55- cent boneless wings
$1.75 Pints $3.50 Pitchers
$2 Domestic Bottles $3 Premium/Micro/Craft Bottles $4 Featured Martinis $2.50 Glasses of House Wine $6 1/2 Lbs. Cheeseburger & Falafurger Combo
MON, 1/30
Late Night Happy Hour 9pm – Close 45-cent traditional wings MSU at Illinois at 7pm
Taco Tuesdays FREE Taco Buffet 7PM – 10PM $1.75 Wells $3.00 Well Doubles $2.50 Margaritas $8.50 Buckets of Coronas
$3 Made-in-Michigan Beers (Bottles and Pints) $5 Off Bottles & $1 Off Glasses of All Our Made in Michigan Wines $6 Pitchers of Oasis Mai Tai's $3.50 Glasses of Oasis Mai Tai's $3 Off Select Appetizers
TUES, 1/31
Late Night Happy Hour 9pm – Close Join us for FREE trivia starting at 10pm!
Wipeout Wednesday 1/2 Off Food 1/2 Off Drinks 1/2 Off Beers 1/2 Off Bottles of Wine
$2 Off Pitchers Of Beer $5 16oz Sicilian Long Islands $6 Oasis Sangria Pitchers $3 All Mediterranean Beer & Booze, $5 Off Bottles & $1 Off Glasses All Our Mediterranean Wines $2.49 Falafel Sandwiches $5.99 Mediterranean Pizzas
WED, 2/1
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The Bar Grid
10
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Bartender
of the
Week Age: 22 Relationship Status: Single What's your sign? Leo How would your friends describe you? Sarcastic, witty, and saucy What makes you the best bartender in East Lansing? My quick speed and ability to make really girly drinks What's your dream job? Celebrity Stylist What's the worst job you've ever had? Working retail at Forever 21 What do you think of the current Republican Presidential candidates? That they're a total joke, and that all Obama has to do is sit back and watch them fall apart on their own If you could hang out with any celebrity for a day, who would it be? Coco Chanel
Diana
harper's drinking game:
thumper
Thumper? I don’t even know her. The game that makes the moment at every party where it’s time to give the busty chick the universal gesture for jacking off go considerably smoother. What You’ll Need: Stable furniture, pent-up aggression, friends, and any form of alcohol. (Germans are not necessary but highly recommended.) Number of Players: Six people will work; but the more people you’ve got, the higher level of perversion you’ll reach. Shoot for eight to twelve. Level of Intoxication: Drunk enough that you’ll wake up to find a VCR improperly installed to your microwave with the melted sequel to Bambi inside. How to Play: - Gather everyone around a table, they’re allowed to beat the crap out of it. - Each player comes up with his/her own hand gesture. If you’re stumped, try to think of a gesture you’d like to see the tittly girl sitting across from you perform. - After all players have gotten a chance to remember everyone else’s gestures, everyone begins drumming on the table, and they do so until the round ends. - The leader then shouts, “What’s the name of the game?” And everyone else answers, “Thumper!” The leader then asks, “Why do we play?” And everyone responds, “To get fucked up!” Or, “To hinder judgment and make sexually suggestive hand signals that will hopefully lead to a poor decision at some point later tonight!" - The leader then performs his gesture (say, air-drinking a cup of tea with proper, pinkieextended technique) followed by another player’s gesture (say, fisting to forearm depth in the circle he made with his other arm). The player whose gesture was last performed, Air-Fister (not to be confused with the porn-version of The Last Air Bender), now does his own gesture followed by a different player’s gesture. - The round continues until a player either screws up one of the two gestures, takes too long to finish, or forgets a gesture entirely. The drumming then stops and the loser is singled-out with chants of, “You suck (5x). Drink bitch!” - The loser then becomes the new leader and the cycle repeats. The game is over once you’ve shattered your roommate’s glass coffee table and he doesn’t even give a shit.
Who do you think would win in a fist fight, Oprah or Hilary Clinton? Hilary Clinton...because she's kind of butch What's the stupidest thing you've ever done drunk? I knocked over the hostess stand at Harper’s on the first night I drank there after I got hired What is the greatest band or solo artist of all time? The Beatles What would you do if you won the lottery? Purchase the house I grew up in as a child and pay off my student loans Turn-ons? Confidence, sense of humor, and being well-dressed (good shoes!) Turn-offs? Drunk guys hitting on me while I'm working and then not leaving a tip Shoutouts? All the bartending staff at Harper’s
recipe for disaster:
Bacon-Wrapped Sausage or Sausage-Filled Bacon Bacon or sausage? Always with the ultimatum. Tired of having to order a number six and a seven off the breakfast menu at the local D’s just to do what they should already be doing? Yeah, I’m talking about merging the deliciousness of those wavy strips of red, white, and reddish-white brown and the lusciousness of those links of porkish-ecstasy. Enough talk. Let’s put this pig back together. What You’ll Need: Toothpicks, a 1/2 lb. of bacon, and a 1/2 lb. package of pork sausage are all that’s required, but a few slices of American cheese, maple syrup, two encased dead baby chickens, and about a quarter box of pancake mix will allow you to finish the job that Ronny McDonny has always refused to. Cook Time: Drunk, a good hour. Sober, forty-five minutes. Fatty Factor: There are 560 calories in a sausage McGriddle and 420 calories in the bacon variant. That’s roughly 1,000 calories - so double that. Let’s Get Baked: - While still in the package, slice the bacon strips in half length-wise. Cut the sausage into pieces roughly the same width as your bacon. - Wrap the bacon strips around the sausages and hold in place with toothpicks. - Place your mini Franken-pigs on a cookie sheet and throw these puppies in the oven set at 300°F for 45 minutes. (Optional) McMcGriddle or The Number 67 - So you’ve decided that you’re capable of making executive decisions at McDonald’s and you’re about to make the McMcGriddle at four in the morning, congrats. If you’re in a poor enough condition that you need instructions to scramble eggs and pan up some cakes, maybe you shouldn’t push your luck any further. You’re going to need it to remember to remove the toothpicks. - Shove your eggs and your meat abomination inside a big-ass pancake and fold. You’ve just created a completely mobile breakfast. Go fuck yourself, cereal bar.
11
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An Ode to Those Who Still Love Us in the Winter Samantha Shaughnessy wrote this
My beloved, my sweet, my gentleman caller; I must express my love, for you are such a baller. Countless winter nights you have not forsaken me, I want to scream off the rooftops my jubilee. I lost all my hope, inhibitions, and will to go to the gym, yet, you don’t care that I am now far from slim. Even after my shameful fall on black ice in front of Bessey Hall, you comforted me with words of cheer: “The black tooth isn’t that bad...except for the blood smear.” My chalky skin radiates like a bottle of soured milk in the fridge; you never turn away and still call me your “midge.” The bags under my eyes are as dark as Tyra Banks’ heart, but you still use urgency when you tear my panties apart. Since gaining 12 pounds (though mostly in my face), you conquer me like a Japanese game show obstacle race. My uncanny resemblance to H.R. Pufnstuf may put others off, but you still chow me down like a hungry pig at its trough. My hair brings new meaning to the words “dull,” “lifeless,” and “plain,” and my unsightly acne scars persist and remain. My seasonal flare of eczema grows ever more inflamed, yet you still call me yours and stay unashamed. Adorned in Minnesotan-librarian drab, I dwell inside like a modern day mole man or hermit crab. My body looks like a carton of musty cottage cheese, draped in a stained MSU sweatshirt that hangs at my knees.
My morning breath smells like a rancid, old dog fart, but you still french my mouth as if it were a SweeTart. For you, I made a bed nest, covered in musty pillows and blankets, surrounded by used Kleenex, candy wrappers, and Wilson Phillips cassettes, Deep within this love nest’s confines, is a lost bag of cookies and drool stain designs. This is our sanctuary. Our safe house. Free for us to hump while watching “Angry Boys” and S.Mouse. You’ll compliment my new perfume: Halls cough drops and Vicks VapoRub fill the room. You’ll stroke my dry, cracked skin, calling me “Ashy Larry” with a grin. You’ll quiver in my embrace and squeeze my robust muffin top, and I’ll jump in the sheets with a heavy belly flop. As if I were a majestic beached whale, I‘ll use my blubber to warm your body, so frail. My plump and dimpled rear radiates so much heat; our sweat will smell like Oscar Meyer lunchmeat. Having not shaven my legs for the duration of the season, your member still rises and I don’t question the reason. And, like two dogs in heat, we make love— stiff and fast, something I dream of. Our love affair has never left me heartbroken, so my deepest feelings cannot go unspoken. We will survive this frigid winter endeavor because what we have is forever. At least until... your chubby chaser fetish gets its fill.
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The Movie Page red tails
Based on the Trailer
January 2011
“Almost as good as Star Wars: The Phantom Menace”
Directed by
Anthony Hemingway
starring
Cuba Gooding Jr., Terrence Howard
GRADE F Mike benson wrote this For a film that is supposed to be based on a true story and pay homage to real people, Red Tails is completely out of touch with reality in almost every single way. Let’s begin by pointing out that World War II era Nazi bombers primarily used 7.82 mm machine gun rounds to 20 mm cannon rounds. They were meant to take down airplanes, and were fairly enormous. If a person were to get hit by a round in the middle of a dogfight, they would die with a hole in their chest as big as George Lucas’ fat, stupid head. While technical issues such as this are often and understandably ignored in fiction/action movies, the issue with Red Tails is that it claims to be telling the true story about the all African American pilot crew from the Tuskegee training program that broke racial boundaries through bravery and skill in World War II. Instead of Red Tails being an accurate portrayal of this historical moment, it winds up being a mixture of The Great Escape and the Star Wars prequels, with no real drama other than the poorly developed racial tension backdrop which never develops into something more than, “Hey, look, these fighter pilots are black.”
on dvd
The characters in Red Tails are ludicrously flat, with each character taking on the most clichéd character traits: jokester, sensitive, wild-boy, etc. With awful acting to match, no character in Red Tails comes close to anything resembling believable or genuine. No individual in the film ever showed any remorse or fright about killing other people, or even the deaths and injuries of their crewmembers. Halfway through the film I made up a hidden subplot for the film in which each member of the Red Tail crew are actually so crippled by stress and anxiety that they are unable to show any genuine emotions about any of the proceedings of the war which surrounds them. One scene in particular that bugged me occurred near the beginning of the film. During a dogfight deep behind enemy lines in Italy, one of the crewmembers is shot down. After deploying his parachute, he is captured by enemy troops and taken as a POW. After this happens, though, there is absolutely no reaction to, or mention of, it by the crewmembers who were in the air. The crew members in the air were actually joking around with each other as they continued to shoot down Nazis without any thought to their crew member who was
just taken as a prisoner and will probably be tortured for information or God knows what else. In fact, after this occurs there is absolutely no reference to him throughout half the film. Eventually we are shown him escaping a POW prison in the most ridiculous Great Escape type manner. This just serves as an example of a HUGE plot point, which is just thrown in and forgotten for no apparent reason. In the end, Red Tails comes off as cartoonish. There is no drama at all; the Germans are depicted as stupid, inhumane monsters, getting obliterated with no sympathy by the allied pilots, and poor acting and flat characters result in a boring and lifeless movie. Now, don’t get me wrong, I enjoy a good action movie and like seeing Nazis getting their comeuppance as much as the next guy. But since Red Tails is claiming to pay homage to real events and heroes, the gratuitous action and violence along with the flat characters is almost insulting to the great people it is trying to celebrate and offensive by using the backdrop of a war that carried such heavy consequences. On the positive side, it’s good to see Cuba Jr. getting some work outside of underwear advertisements these days.
cuba gooding jr. trivia
February 7 A Very Harold & Kumar Christmas
Starring: Glenn Close, Mia Wasikowska, Janet McTeer What You Need to Know: Glenn Close plays Albert Nobbs, a woman passing as a man working in an upscale hotel in 19th century Ireland. After 30 years of donning men’s clothing, she finds out that she never really knew who she was in the first place. What We Think: This movie screams Oscar buzz, but we’re just not convinced it will be as good as everyone wants it to be. But with an interesting plot and Close looking creepily convincing as a man, this film might just be worth seeing.
One For the Money
jan. 27
Starring: Katherine Heigl, Jason O’Mara, Sherri Shepherd What You Need to Know: A proud Jersey girl, Stephanie Plum (Heigl) is hard-up for money and winds up getting a job at a bail bonding company as a recovery agent. Uh oh, girl with a gun! What We Think: Oh Katherine Heigl, you and your mindless roles. However, this film, based on a popular mystery series by Janet Evanovich, does looks somewhat charming and (dare we say) watch-able, possibly even enjoyable. Or maybe we just think Heigl looks a lot better with brown hair. Either way, based on her track record, we’ll probably save it for Redbox.
We Need to Talk About Kevin
Drive The Thing Dream House The Double Gooding's first job as a professional entertainer was as a breakdancer for who?
jan. 27
answers are a few from here
January 31
The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn, Part 1
Albert Nobbs
What year did Gooding receive his star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame?
What is Gooding's famous Oscar-winning catch phrase?
Gooding became a born-again Christian at what age?
jan. 27
Starring: John C. Reilly, Tilda Swinton, Ezra Miller What You Need to Know: Based upon Lionel Shriver’s award-winning novel, this film explores the 15-yearrelationship between mother (Swinton) and son (Miller), as she tries to make sense of his bizarre habits and increasing malevolence against her. What We Think: This movie looks so intense, and we’re so excited. While the focus of the film is on Swinton’s uber-emotional role and, lest not forget, her crazy ass son, Reilly’s dramatic yet light-hearted performance should make the movie refreshing and comfortable. But, for real, we’re anxious to see how the son fucks shit up.
The Entertainment Page
jersey shore no more Hannah ‘HWOWW’ Johnson wrote this Dear MTV Executives, I am writing this letter as the voice of my generation (actually anyone with a television would probably agree with me). I don’t know if you have heard this before, but Jersey Shore sucks hard. On a rating of attractiveness from Snooki to Sammi Sweetheart – it’s like a Deena, and that’s pretty bad. It was fun in the beginning when JWOWW and Sammi Sweetheart were pulling each other’s hair out from pure hatred, when Snooki was still snookin’ for love, and when Pauly D and Vinny were just friends, but that's all changed. It is time to end the repulsive show and head back to scripted television, or at least play more Beavis and Butthead in their place, that there’s just good American TV. The show is so bad that it has gotten to the point that even cast members are leaving the shore. I can only hope that the rest of the cast will take a hint from Vinny and leave my television screen forever. It’s time for them to move on to bigger and better things and get a real job because ‘smushing,’ getting drunk, and tanning all the time isn’t a job — I think that’s what you call college, and these idiots are all uneducated in their thirties. There’s a point where it’s just sad. Hearing that Jersey Shore is not a fan favorite may come as a shock because of how popular the cast has become, but that time is gone for good. The so-called “stars” of this show are becoming infamous for other aspects of their life. For instance: Snooki and her novels, The Situation for bombing at the Roast of Donald Trump, and JWOWW for her out-of-character clothing choices in the January issue of Maxim. I say let them pursue these other outlets because there is no need
cd review
out now
skrillex Bangarang EP The latest from the god of dubstep certainly is bangin’.
GRADE B
It’s easy to hate on dubstep (just bass drops and weird noises, right?) just like it’s easy to hate on any genre; pop music is just over-produced whiney white girls singing about boys and rap music is just Autotuned black dudes rappin’ about guns and bitches. So, if you want to believe the generalizations, fine – be content with Taylor Swift and T-Pain, but the latest from mainstream dubstep darling, Skrillex, dares to be more than just that. The Bangarang EP is enough for anyone—new listeners get a taste for the style and dubstep diehards get their fix of original beats, sounds and a few surprising bass drops. It’s nothing to write home about, but it certainly gets you in the mood.
plays up more direct enthusiasm and originality than the former. The rest of the album continues on in a perfect mess of loud, nasty beats, setting the mood for a partially blacked-out weekend night. “Breakin’ a Sweat” features samples from The Doors, which is pretty interesting, and is also slightly Girl Talk of him, but still really good. “Right on Time” is another awesome track with a seemingly endless build up that leaves you perfectly on edge, on edge, on edge—just before it slows down long enough to bring you back to reality with an ideal bass drop. It’s a track like this that shows Skrillex knows exactly what he’s doing and not just some punk with a sound machine.
In case you aren’t aware and/or above it all, Skrillex is a 24-year-old producer who has pioneered the dubstep/electronic scene in the past few years. He’s been nominated for five Grammy awards this year, including Best New Artist for his explosive hit, “Scary Monsters and Nice Sprites.” It’s the tune barely-legals and early twenty-somethings will be playing in their minds when they reminisce about their first time taking ecstasy. Ahh, the simple things in life. With his sweet hair-do and incredible energy, it’s no wonder Skrillex has been the face of this blossoming genre.
You have to take this music in stride, though. Just like you wouldn’t blast Bon Iver before a tailgate, you wouldn’t listen to Skrillex softly in the background whilst studying for a philosophy exam. But for those who still aren’t convinced, I tempt you to see this dude perform. As with most music, it’s far more amped up when seen live, and that enthusiasm is propelled into any future instance of listening to said music. You remember the lights, the sounds, and the feeling you had when you were with your friends, dancing and loving life. Drugs? Yeah, maybe, but music like this makes you feel just as good.
Naturally, the Bangarang EP is only 7 songs, but within those 30 minutes is some of his more ambitious material. The title track featuring Sirah is the first standout. “Kyoto” is another track featuring this Sirah lady, and definitely
for you to continue paying them thousands of dollars per episode just to film them fist pumping at Karma. I have heard rumors swirling around that JWOWW, Snooki, and Pauly D may be given their own spinoff shows in the coming years. What are those shows going to be called? JWOWW’s Plastic Surgery Hour, Snooki Got Book-ied in Jail, or the future cult-classic Skin Cancer with Vitamin Pauly D? I can’t wait to see the Nielson ratings on those shows. They will be lower than The Situation’s ACT score. Meanwhile, the rest of those leeches on society will have to fend for themselves in the real world. Ronnie will most likely be admitted into rehab for his obvious steroid use, The Situation will be forced into retirement because of his old age, and Deena will Jersey Turnpike herself into a wheelchair. This doesn’t sound all that bad to me. I almost prefer to hear them suffer like I have done the past three years watching the damn show. I’m pretty sure my IQ has been permanently damaged, because images like that stick with you forever. I hope these were all the reasons you needed to hear, because I do not want my kids to fall victim to shitty reality television like the ones before them did. I can only hope that all copies of this show will be burned and/or destroyed when that time comes. I am getting ahead of myself, though. At this moment in time, I am just asking you to remove Jersey Shore from my television screen. Thank you so much for your time. It has been an honor and a pleasure to be in contact with the people that put this shit on the air in the first place. Sincerely yours, Hannah Johnson jslover69@hotmale.com
Sounds Like: Bloops, bleeps, and some sweet bass drops. Download: Bangarang, Right on Time, Kyoto Listen to it When: Anytime you aren’t trying to focus.
UPCOMING RELEASES Craig Finn - Clear Heart Full Eyes Ingrid Michaelson - Human Again
Nada Surf -The Stars are Indifferent to Astronomy
Tim McGraw- Emotional Traffic Rodrigo y Gabriela - Area 52
Lamb of God - Resolution Kellie Pickler - 100 Proof
the madlib: an intervention
__1__, come here, I think it’s time that you and I talked about your __2__ problem. I think-- everyone here thinks—that this has turned into a full-fledged addiction.
1) Name 2) Noun 3) Parent 4) Verb (-ing) 5) Noun 6) Body part 7) Name 8) Verb (-ing) 9) Noun 10) Noun 11) Noun 12) Name in #1 13) Distant relative
I’ve got everyone here. Your __3__ is concerned that you keep __4__ __5__ in your __6__, and your childhood friend, __7__, wants to share with you a childhood memory where he walked in on you __8__ a __9__ into a __10__ so you could sell it for __11__. And __12__, here’s your __13__. He just doesn’t understand how you could __14__ in __15__ and enjoy it. Before we get going, I just want you to know that we all love you. But this is where things get real. If you don’t choose to stop __16__ yourself, then I don’t think we can be friends anymore. I’ll stop coming over every __17__ to help you build __18__ out of __19__ we found in __20__. I’ll stop letting you borrow my __21__ so you can __22__ it in your __23__. I’ll…man, I told myself I wasn’t going to cry. Wait, where are you going? What do you mean I’m the one with the problem!? No, it’s totally normal that I __24__ __25__ for money. __26__, you’re the addict! Don’t go!
movie trivia answers: 1) lionel richie 2) 2002 3) "show me the money!" 4) age 13
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14) Verb 15) Noun 16) Verb (-ing) 17) Day of the week 18) Noun 19) Material 20) Place 21) Noun 22) Verb 23) Body part 24) Verb 25) Noun 26) Name in #1
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