The Black Sheep
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• a college newspaper that’s actually about college •
Volume 6, Issue 3 1/26/12 - 2/1/12
theblacksheeponline.com
I'm a
"liberal" professor ziev beresh wrote this
Ahem. Greetings class. I’m a liberal professor. Before I begin teaching today I would like to remind you that the structure of our course is highly experimental. i.e.: I have not planned anything out for it. So you can all stop this business of asking what is due or where you can find the syllabus. I believe that we need to undo all the “education” you’ve been getting and only use techniques that will teach you how to learn. I employ a modified version of the ancient Greek Socratic method, so you will mostly learn by listening to all of the anecdotes that come into my head during our truly aimless discussions. I have a moustache. I will curse frequently. I will make references to my wife and my sex life. Your inside will tell you that such jokes seem off. Your outside will laugh on cue. On a few days I will stop speaking for the duration of class and allow all of you to lead the discussion. It will be positively uncomfortable. Not unlike the future of our planet if people continue to fuck it up. In fact, I was just reading on the Huffington Post about baby polar bears who are drowning because of all the melting ice in the arctic. Who’s gonna save the baby polar bears? I’m certainly not. Are you? So let’s adopt some goddamn energy efficient everything to get Earth back to the way it was. Hrm. Sorry, class. My wife calls these my “Al Gore Moments.” Gore is on her bang list, along with Obama and Ulysses S. Grant. She likes politicians. I don’t like politicians. I especially don’t like, as you may have guessed, Republicans. Why any of these two-bit candidates are even on TV in the first place is beyond me. They’re all escapees from the loony bin. Now, enough of that boring stuff. Hah. Class, let’s talk about the origins of happiness. I know them. I’m your professor. But rather than tell you what these origins are, I will instead call on one of you to see what answer you’ll contrive. Once you’ve inadvertently stated society’s prevailing notions of happiness and revealed your unique style
Other stuff
Inside
An Email From Your Dad
of bullshit artistry to the class, I’ll completely shoot you down with a simple answer that is inarguably correct. Let’s begin. Genevieve: What are the origins of happiness? Success, you say? By success do you mean money? Even if that isn’t what you meant, you’re not wrong, Genevieve. Money provides comforts that definitely make life easier. Hell, I should know thanks to the sales from my last book. But contrary to what those Wall Street fuckwads will tell you, it isn’t money that gives us happiness. It’s love. Class, you don’t need a therapist; go have a long conversation with your parents about your childhood. You don’t need friends; go get a boyfriend or a girlfriend, that’s everyone you need. You see, everything you’ve been told about how to live your life is a lie. Just remember, if it feels good and it doesn’t hurt anyone, do it. That’s what she said.
See what the old man has been up to, gosh darn it!
Do you have what it takes? Specifically, are you willing to pay us?
the winter months can make us gross, so big ups for the kisses.
see page 4
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