The Black Sheep
FR E go E... in lik g to e Vo be ls if ga we me kee tic p s ket uc s a ki ng re !
• a college newspaper that’s actually about college •
Volume 1, Issue 10 11/15/12 - 11/29/12
theblacksheeponline.com @blacksheepUTK
recalling the history of thanksgiving utk staff wrote this It’s been a while since we’ve been taught the history of Thanksgiving. If you ask most college students, their alcohol-riddled brains will recall whatever they learned in kindergarten or - from Pocahontas. But never fear! We are about to do the same thing! We all know a bunch of religion-defecting, buckle-wearing, teadrinking British pilgrims sailed over on the Mayflower and landed on Plymouth Rock. But what happened next? They were in a foreign land where they didn’t know the landscape or the resources available. They didn’t even know which berries were poisonous and what poison ivy was, so basically, they were screwed. That’s where the Wampanoag Indians came in. Twenty minutes after landing, the starving pilgrims writhed around Plymouth screaming at the top of their lungs for some tea and scones until one outstretched hand grazed the roots of Grandmother Willow, who sang them a song about listening to their hearts. And, suddenly, they could understand the savage Indian language! The Indians graciously took the ignorant pilgrims under their wing to show them that corn isn’t gold but something you eat, bears aren’t for riding, and all that sort of stuff that Indians learned from living there since dinosaur times. And, just around the river bend, the pilgrims learned that Virginia wasn’t a desolate wasteland filled with savages, but a bountiful paradise with slightly tanner friends. The Indians thought of the pilgrims as dumb, stupid-hat-wearing, pale-faced pets that they could play with. There wasn’t much tension at the beginning, with each party sizing up the other as basically harmless if any brawl over the women were to bust out. The Wampanoag seemed peaceful enough, and they decided to reach out to the white brothers so as to not summon any bad spirits for leaving them stranded. Good guys, those Wampanoags. When the Wampanoag taught the newcomers all of their secrets about growing corn, killing deer with bows and arrows, and painting with the colors of the wind, the two groups decided to come together in brotherhood to celebrate their good harvest. The first Thanksgiving meal lasted seven and a half days, with two days sandwiched in between for pooping purposes. It was a fabulous occasion, as the pilgrims and the Native Americans dined in harmony, except of course for the kid’s table, which consisted of crying babies in papooses and repressed teenage angst.
How to Turkey Bowl Make sure you’re in top shape to shut up Uncle Mike this year
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The meal itself, which is often portrayed as a Bobby Flay wet dream, was far from perfect. Since many of the pilgrim women had no idea how to cook a duck, many pilgrims attempted to eat the animals raw, or even alive and wriggling. Food was flying everywhere in an attempt to get nourishment to the hundreds of people present at the feast. The evening ended with a lovely display of fireworks, as patriotic music played in the background, accompanied by moans and wooden flutes. Spices and herbs were abundant, and it’s safe to say that the situation got a little out of control. It wasn’t picture perfect, guys. It was gross, and they all got diseases from uncooked meat. Puke and diarrhea was everywhere, and the pilgrims started questioning whether there really was a god. And now this has evolved into eating turkey, which they didn’t even
what’s inside
eat then; watching football, which they definitely didn’t play then; and arguing with your relatives over who gets the last slice of pumpkin pie, even though Betty Crocker was just a little sperm inside John Crocker’s balls. So there you have it, the truth behind the first Thanksgiving, as told by people who base their historical fact on the Disney movies and kindergarten reenactments they haven’t seen or reenacted in thirteen years. So as you gorge yourself with a five-course meal and doze off into a deep sleep in front of the boob tube, just know that the tears of the Indians forever modified in the turkey are what cause your body to shut down and go into zombie mode. Give thanks to those early diseases and Andrew Jackson – we wouldn’t be the America we perceive and mostly love without them.
collegiate thanksgiving dinner
bartender of the week
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Not going home for Thanksgiving? Pig out with beer and cheap food!
Matt at the Tin Roof is slinging Purple Platypuses and meeting bitches.