Vol. 3, Issue 10
The Black Sheep The College Newspaper That's Actually About College
f Wh ree...l en I si ike ba p, y ou ckwa sip sh. we sip !
10/31/13 - 11/6/13
Dearest Leader Cheek
Leads Vols to Victory BY: The PEOPLE’S REPUBLIC OF Ut Due to a few public miscues, our Supreme Chancellor Jimmy Cheek has decided to bring in the best PR firm in the world, The North Korean Public Relations Enforcement Firm. We are already hard at work bringing the superior UT student body accurate news readings as told to us by this new authority. Our first order of business is outlining the previous victory of the UT football team in their battle against Alabama, nicknamed “Red Team,” for their obvious ties to Soviet Russia. All recordings of this game are property of UT and will be confiscated; anyone with copies will be sentenced to tutoring freshman gen-ed classes for the remainder of their lives. The game started with Butch Jones wining the coin toss, a contest that he has never lost because the football gods bow to him. Then, in an act of confidence and charity, allowed Alabama to receive the ball first. The Alabama fans believed they had the upper hand, but were soon reminded of Palardy’s superior kicking ability when his kick-off cleared the field goal and drifted into the atmosphere beyond Neyland, giving UT 3 points on the opening kickoff. The following possession, Alabama opted to punt on 1st down in fear of the inevitable interception or fumble forced by UT’s impermeable defense. The following two quarters went exactly as planned, with 17 touchdowns and multiple 2-point conver-
sions, the Volunteers found themselves with a comfortable lead. Before halftime, our powerful and omnipotent Football General Jones noted his defense had little trouble, holding Alabama to -37 yards and 0 points. This left the score at the half 1450, with the Vols just getting warmed up. During halftime, the Alabama band found themselves unable to play their instruments due to Democracy-induced starvation, and scoured the stadium for leftover food and loose change. It was a sad reminder of how the outside world lives, and to what glory and praise we owe to the all-masterful, our Dear Leader Cheek. The state of degradation and obvious lack of hygiene in the Alabama student section, not to mention their sheer stupidity and blind devotion to their team was another monument to the great leadership and benevolence of Chancellor Cheek and Football General Jones. After the half, General Jones decided to play red shirt freshman Josh Dobbs, as such victory should be shared among all those proud enough to call themselves Vols. Almost immediately, the freshman began tormenting the poorly skilled Alabama defense and their devil-worshipping ways. It was at that moment when our benevolent leader Jimmy Cheek himself decided to get in on the action, returning an 80-yard kickoff and simultaneously winning 1st place
in the “Best Celebration Dance Routine” category of the game, which Chancellor Cheek himself invented. It was then that Alabama realized all hope was lost, and surrendered to Master Cheek and our strong, brave Vols in the 4th quarter.
If there were any doubt about the dedication and productivity of our wonderful and all-knowing chancellor, it is surely eradicated after the wonderful results of this defining football game. The North Korea Public Relations Enforcement Firm would like to remind all students that all informa-
tion broadcasted by other organizations is false — the internet, The Daily Beacon, and other news sources including friends from other schools will lie to you. Jimmy Cheek will never lie to you and will lead you to only success. Success that is totally real and not fictionalized at all.
page 5
page 6
page 13
United States Has Garage Sale
Top 10: Places to Completely Lose Your Dignity
an Intervention for your anti-technology professor
Obama wants you to buy his old shit, but you know michelle is the one making him.
you’re gaining a dozen tacos and some cinnamon twists, though.
• Keep Up With Us! • @BlackSheeputk• theblacksheeponline.com •
peel your eyes away from the computer to say some words to that old man.