Vol. 3, Issue 10
The Black Sheep The College Newspaper That's Actually About College
f Wh ree...l en I si ike ba p, y ou ckwa sip sh. we sip !
10/31/13 - 11/6/13
Dearest Leader Cheek
Leads Vols to Victory BY: The PEOPLE’S REPUBLIC OF Ut Due to a few public miscues, our Supreme Chancellor Jimmy Cheek has decided to bring in the best PR firm in the world, The North Korean Public Relations Enforcement Firm. We are already hard at work bringing the superior UT student body accurate news readings as told to us by this new authority. Our first order of business is outlining the previous victory of the UT football team in their battle against Alabama, nicknamed “Red Team,” for their obvious ties to Soviet Russia. All recordings of this game are property of UT and will be confiscated; anyone with copies will be sentenced to tutoring freshman gen-ed classes for the remainder of their lives. The game started with Butch Jones wining the coin toss, a contest that he has never lost because the football gods bow to him. Then, in an act of confidence and charity, allowed Alabama to receive the ball first. The Alabama fans believed they had the upper hand, but were soon reminded of Palardy’s superior kicking ability when his kick-off cleared the field goal and drifted into the atmosphere beyond Neyland, giving UT 3 points on the opening kickoff. The following possession, Alabama opted to punt on 1st down in fear of the inevitable interception or fumble forced by UT’s impermeable defense. The following two quarters went exactly as planned, with 17 touchdowns and multiple 2-point conver-
sions, the Volunteers found themselves with a comfortable lead. Before halftime, our powerful and omnipotent Football General Jones noted his defense had little trouble, holding Alabama to -37 yards and 0 points. This left the score at the half 1450, with the Vols just getting warmed up. During halftime, the Alabama band found themselves unable to play their instruments due to Democracy-induced starvation, and scoured the stadium for leftover food and loose change. It was a sad reminder of how the outside world lives, and to what glory and praise we owe to the all-masterful, our Dear Leader Cheek. The state of degradation and obvious lack of hygiene in the Alabama student section, not to mention their sheer stupidity and blind devotion to their team was another monument to the great leadership and benevolence of Chancellor Cheek and Football General Jones. After the half, General Jones decided to play red shirt freshman Josh Dobbs, as such victory should be shared among all those proud enough to call themselves Vols. Almost immediately, the freshman began tormenting the poorly skilled Alabama defense and their devil-worshipping ways. It was at that moment when our benevolent leader Jimmy Cheek himself decided to get in on the action, returning an 80-yard kickoff and simultaneously winning 1st place
in the “Best Celebration Dance Routine” category of the game, which Chancellor Cheek himself invented. It was then that Alabama realized all hope was lost, and surrendered to Master Cheek and our strong, brave Vols in the 4th quarter.
If there were any doubt about the dedication and productivity of our wonderful and all-knowing chancellor, it is surely eradicated after the wonderful results of this defining football game. The North Korea Public Relations Enforcement Firm would like to remind all students that all informa-
tion broadcasted by other organizations is false — the internet, The Daily Beacon, and other news sources including friends from other schools will lie to you. Jimmy Cheek will never lie to you and will lead you to only success. Success that is totally real and not fictionalized at all.
page 5
page 6
page 13
United States Has Garage Sale
Top 10: Places to Completely Lose Your Dignity
an Intervention for your anti-technology professor
Obama wants you to buy his old shit, but you know michelle is the one making him.
you’re gaining a dozen tacos and some cinnamon twists, though.
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Miraculush A man or woman who can hold their liquor beyond any reasonably human level. “The group knew Dino was a miraculush when he crushed a case of PBR before spending the rest of the night ripping shots at a bar.”
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It’s gooier inside than you are.
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Tweet us your creepiest, most hilarious, most perverted, most raunchy (or all of the above) pick-up lines to @BlackSheepUTK #BadTimesMan If yours proves to be the weirdest, you’ll win a prize and be featured in next week’s issue!
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Celebrity Before & After Just like Jeopardy!, our before and after asks you to pair two unlike things, sharing only a word. Because we’re as vapid as the rest of you, a celebrity name will always be involved. Tweet your answer @BlackSheepUTK and use #goodtimes for a chance to win a prize!
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United States has Garage Sale “Buy our crap,” says Obama By: black sheep staff
Once again the United States has avoided complete chaos and anarchy by signing into effect a plan to raise the debt ceiling. But with only a few months until we reach the ceiling again, how will the president and Congress raise enough money to help relieve the national debt and boost our economy? There have been many options so far, including globally selling pot and minting a trillion dollar coin, but none of these plans have been even remotely as successful as what the government plans to do over the next few weekends. From 6 a.m. to 2 p.m. on Saturday November 2nd: A United States Garage Sale. Both the House and Senate agree that there’s just too much shit lying around collecting dust in storage facilities around the nation. Here are just a few of the items that are going to be up for sale: One partially used Ark of the Covenant, two hundred ET Super Nintendo cartridges, over 30 models of tanks, John Boehner’s “legendary” box of pornography, nine autographed Obama basketball cards from college, a connect-the-dots book partially completed by President George W. Bush, and three plungers used by William Howard Taft. There will also be a special pre-sale for the 1% of Americans who actually have money to spend on November 2nd, where these big spenders will have first dibs on special items, such as a recovered spacecraft from Roswell (one of three), a signed copy of The Louisiana Purchase, one of Bill Clinton’s saxophones, Davy Crocket’s hat, the title to Detroit, and a complete replica of the space station bathrooms. But what could possibly be better than a national garage sale? Raffle drawings will be held throughout various weekends where you can buy a $1,000 ticket for your chances to win any of the following: Hillary
Clinton’s golf clubs, Sarah Palin’s wolf-killing helicopter, Dick Cheney’s shotgun, John F. Kennedy’s (somewhat sticky) copy of the Marilyn Monroe Playboy, and much more. There will also be a $1,000,000 ticket drawing, in which prizes include: your name on the Statue of Liberty’s forehead, your face on Mt. Rushmore, your very own Oregon, six tickets to watch the Super Bowl from the Moon, President Andrew “Stoned Wall” Jackson’s private bong collection, and a chance to star in the next Star Wars movie. Those who make purchases of $1,000 will also receive a free $500 deficit bond with a framed, autographed picture of Oprah. There will also be a children’s carnival behind the White House next to the Federal Beer Garden. All purchases will be final, with the exception of nuclear-based arms, which can be returned in thirty days if the product has a factory default. Joe Biden will also have a lemonade stand set up at the front gates, where you can choose from a selection of powdered pink and regular Country Time lemonade. Congress has set a goal of raising thirty gillion dollars, but will settle for one trillion. If the goal is not reached, Congress plans to put up more signs in hopes that more people will show up for the great deals before the holiday season. President Barack Obama has made the comment that “Finally, millions of Americans can help get their country out of debt by giving money for their beloved politicians’ old crap. Of course, all the proceeds will be going to things we said we would provide with taxes.” The official start time of this sale will be released on the ObamaCare website, once it works.
The
Top
Ten
Places to Completely Lose Your Dignity By: Katie Vaughn
This goes out to girls who come home at four in the morning wearing nothing but a huge t-shirt, unable to recall where their shoes are. To the guys that we take photos of to post up on Twitter or Facebook to make sure everyone knows you know you went overboard on JellO shots. And most of all, to those of you who are willing to see your dirty laundry air on @Volmakeout. This is dedicated to the top places to lose your dignity on campus.
The One Ass
Cheek Ring By: UTk staff The world is changed, you can feel it in the Tennessee river water. You can feel it in the earth at the Body Farm. You can smell it in the polluted air. Much that once was is lost in the university records; for none now live who remember it. It began with the forging of the great rings… three for the Humanities: selfless, wisest and fairest of all beings. Seven for the Engineers: great miners and craftsman of the Appalachian mountain halls. And nine rings were passed to the Haslams, whom above all else desire power. But they were all of them deceived, for another ring was made: in the land of Rocky Top, in the fires of Torch Bearer, the dark lord Cheek forged in secret a master ring to control all others. And into this ring he poured his greed for higher tuitions, his malice towards partying, and his will to dominate all student and faculty life. One ring to rule them all. One by one the free lands of Rocky Top fell to the power of Ass Cheek’s dark ring. But there were some members who resisted. A last alliance of Vols — Dr. Sousa and his Southland Band — marched against the armies of Ass Cheek. And there, on the slopes of the Hill, they tackled and formed the T for the freedom of Rocky Top. Victory was near, but the power of Ass Cheek held strong against the band. It was in this moment when hope seemed to have fizzled out that Dr. Sousa, leader of the Pride of the Southland, cued the band into a circle drill and encompassed the dark lord Ass Cheek. Ass Cheek, the enemy of the free peoples of Rocky
06
Top, was defeated. Thus the ring passed to Dr. Sousa, who had this one chance to destroy evil forever. But the hearts of musicians are easily corrupted, and the ring had a will of its own. It betrayed Dr. Sousa, and sent him to administrative leave. Along with Sousa went things that should not have been forgotten, things that elder Vols cherished and loved, like the band performing in between plays at home games... were lost. History of the Southland Band became legend... legend became myth, and for an entire season of UT football, neither music nor spirit could be found on the Neyland earth. Until, when chance came, it ensnared a new VFL! For the time will soon come when the immortal Butch Jones will shape the fortunes of all. Forging a bond between band and coach, Butch Jones gave back to the university a piece of tradition that had nearly been lost forever. “A day may come when we forsake our traditions and break all bonds of fellowship in music and pride, but it is not this day! An hour of rolling tide and clashing helmets when the age of Vols comes crashing down, but it is not this day! This day we sing Rocky Top for hours to come! By all that you hold dear on this Neyland earth, I bid you stand against the evil Ass Cheek Ring! Vols for Life!” Thus, the band was saved against the evil lord who tried to suppress its traditions, for even the smallest of instruments can change the course of the future.
10.) Taco Bell: For some reason Taco Bell has been the designated place to buy food reminiscent of dog poop, then immediately throw it all up. Avoid going south of the border at all costs if you want to keep your alcohol in your stomach and your dignity intact. 9.) Your hallway: Hearing your neighbors bang on their own door at 3 a.m. because they forgot their keys is a telltale sign that their dignity is also lost somewhere on the Strip. 8.) In the middle of the bar: You’re not invincible. Just remember that the next time you think that you can take that shot of straight Burnett’s and walk away looking like a straight G. The instantaneous rejection of the booze onto the table is the too-confident asshole’s most beloved pastime. 7.) On the way to class: Last night’s wine slowly but surely rises up your throat and may or may not end up all over the international student walking next to you. You managed to keep everything classy last night, but now you’re “taking a breather” on the Hill while normal, functioning members of society continue their day. 6.) The bar bathroom: Without alcohol, the potty is not a place where anyone cares to make conversation. But with alcohol, everyone is your friend and you should confide your deepest darkest secrets in them, because who are they going to tell? Y’all are are drunk and sharing this bathroom experience together. Wait what was her name? 5.) Cook-Out: Even if you seamlessly cut the insane line then proceed to yell at people for cutting, you may have a shred of dignity left. However, order four quesadillas and a milkshake, and your dignity goes out the window. 4.) In the parking lot: Finding a parking space on campus is hell on earth. When you’re circling the lot next to McClung for the 50th time and crying onto your steering wheel, perk up — you may have lost your dignity but at least you’re not going to class today. Oh, you had a test? Welp, looks like you lost your dignity and your scholarship. Whoops! 3.) FIJI island: Frat row is a unanimous place of shame and defeat. Unspeakable things occur there, but the trick is to walk out of the houses with little to no evidence of your misfortune. Therefore “taking a breather” on FIJI island in last night’s clothes not only lets everyone else know you’re still drunk, but they know where you came from and the terrible things you did there. 2.) Any T stop: Drunkenly idling on the corner for half an hour, hoping you are where you told the driver you’d be, and thinking they left post-haste to pick your poor self up was your first mistake. They aren’t coming, you are not their next stop and you should start walking home before you get pneumonia and die. 1.) Neyland Stadium: Neyland is home to many of our drunken bad decisions, whether you drunkenly decide to punch a rival fan, drunkenly throw up on the orange and white chevron-clad sorority girl in front of you, or drunkenly call the security guard who won’t let you pass a “’Bama-loving turdwipe.”
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The Grid
BLACKSTOCK Tuesday: Ladies Night! Drinks are $3.85-$4.50 Tequila Tasting with Reservation
FRIDAY: Nikki Hill, 10pm
Every Saturday Through The End of the Year: Evolution Saturdays 9pm, $10
Everyday: Happy Hour! 11AM - 8PM $1 off beer & wine, $1.25 off mixed drinks
Thursday 10/31
Live Music
The Coveralls, 10pm Half-Off Bottles of Wine Until 10 pm
KBM Presents: DLX of Smog Records - Halloween Bash 9pm, $5
Happy Hour 11-8 Ladies Night Specials 4pm-10pm: $2 Mich Ultra Drafts & Bottle, $2 Blue Moon Drafts & Bottle, Half Price Glasses of Wine, Half Price Margaritas, Half Price Pinnacle Flavored Vodka 4pm-close: Half Price Apps for Ladies Only
Friday 11/1
Live Music
Nikki Hill, 10pm
For tickets and more info: blackstocklive.com facebook.com/blackstocklive
Happy Hour 11-8 TGIF: 11-8pm Fish & Chips for $9.99 Happy Hour 11-8 11-8 pm: $7.50 Domestic Pitchers, $10 Specialty Pizza, $5.99 Nachos, $5.99 Burger & Fries, $0.75 Wings
SPECIAL NIGHT
Saturday 11/2 Sunday 11/3
Karaoke until 3am!
The Farewell Drifters, 10pm
Evolution Saturdays 9pm, $10
$2.50 Kids Meals
Check out our full shedule of events at barleysknoxville.com
For tickets and more info: blackstocklive.com facebook.com/blackstocklive
Time Sawyer, 10pm Half Price Pint Night
For tickets and more info: blackstocklive.com facebook.com/blackstocklive
The Accomplices, 10pm Half Price Pint Night
For tickets and more info: blackstocklive.com facebook.com/blackstocklive
Live Team Trivia - 8pm
For tickets and more info: blackstocklive.com facebook.com/blackstocklive
Happy Hour 11-8
Monday 11/4
Tequila Tasting with Reservation
Tuesday 11/5
Ladies Night! Drinks are $3.85-$4.50 Tequila Tasting with Reservation
Wednesday 11/6
Taco Night! $1.75 Tacos Tequila Tasting with Reservation
College Night: Valid all day w/ student id
$10 One (2/4) Topping Pizza, $.75 Wings & $5.99 nachos, $5.99 Burger and Fries, $2 Domestic Drafts, $5 Domestic Pitchers $4 Vol & Cherry bombs, Grape Shooters $5 Cosmos
Happy Hour 11-8 Greek Night! Show Your Letters!
$10 One (2/4) Topping Pizza, $.75 Wings & $5.99 nachos, $5.99 Burger and Fries, $2 Domestic Drafts, $5 Domestic Pitchers, $4 Vol & Cherry Bombs, Grape Shooters $5 Cosmos
Happy Hour 11-8 8pm-Close: $2 Domestic Drafts $5.99 Cheese Quesadilla ALL DAY 10pm-Close: 50% Off Apps Wine Down Wednesday
Happy Hour 11-8, 9pm-Close: $2.50 Domestic Bottles, Half Price Wine Bottles, & 2 for 1 Glass of Wine, 4pmClose: Half Price Specialty Pizza 10pm-close: Half Price Apps
He knows the cheapest drinks in town and more drinking games than you could ever play.
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The Grid
JACKSON AVE. MARKET WELL SPENT NIGHTS: Midnight to Close, Sunday through Thursday $2 Domestics, $3 Craft Beers, $4 Shots, $5 Margaritas Half-Price Food
SPECIAL NIGHT
Half Off Drafts after 9pm
Bob Goodson and the Funky Business, 9pm Sponsored by Yuengling Black and Tan
Thursday 10/31
Large Supreme or Veggie Supreme Pizza $14.99 + Tax
Try any of our 30 craft beers on tap!
1 WUTK Benefit Party with Johnny Astro and the Big Bang and more! 9pm, Donations Accepted
Friday 11/1
Game Day Specials: $2 Vol Drafts - Drink the beer, keep the cup until 5 or when game ends! $6 Domestic Pitchers until 5pm
Large Meatzaria or Veggie Pizza $12.99 + Tax
Come in and watch the game on our big screens!
Mobility Chief, Daddy Don’t, Buffalo Rodeo, 10pm, $5
Saturday 11/2
Closed
All Day! $12 Domestic Buckets, $3 16oz Aluminum Bottles, 35 Cent Wings
Large 2 Topping Pizza $11.99 + Tax
Brunch 10:30am - 3pm
Lost and Found Records 80’s Vinyl Night, 9pm, Free!
Sunday 11/3
Free Hotdog with Draft Purchase (limited 1 per person)
DURING NFL GAMES: $12 Domestic Buckets, $3 16OZ Aluminum Bottles, 35 Cent Wings
Large 1 Topping Pizza + Breadsticks $10.99 + Tax
Comedy Con Queso Open Mic Comedy, 9pm, FREE Midnight to Close: $2 Domestics, $3 Craft Beers, $4 Shots, $5 Margaritas, Half-Price Food
Monday 11/4
$5 36oz PBRs
Wine Tasting Tuesdays! For $9.99 come take a tour through our hand-picked White or Red Wine selection Plus Wednesday is half priced btls. of wine!
Large Windy City Pizza $11.99 + Tax All You Can Eat Buffet 11am - 2pm, $6.99
$2 Drafts
Einstein Simplified Live Improv Show, 8pm, FREE Knox Comedy Live presents the Race to the Coffin Tour 10pm, $5
Tuesday 11/5
Buy one, get one free hotdogs!
Wine Down with us! 1/2 off bottles of wine WED 865Dnb, Starting at 9pm, 18+
Any Medium Pizza $10.99 + Tax All You Can Eat Buffet 11am - 2pm, $6.99
Half Price Bottles of Wine All Day Until 10PM
Magic Hustle presents Andy D and Dopplegangsta. 9:00pm $5 WELL SPENT NIGHTS: Midnight to Close, Sun. - Thurs. $2 Domestics, $3 Craft Beers, $4 Shots, $5 Margaritas Half-Price Food
Wednesday 11/6
Friday (11/01): Giving Away Green Man Pint Glasses
Thursday, Oct. 31st Rocky Horror Picture Show Halloween Party 8 pm Great specials and prizes
TUESDAYs and Wednesdays: All You Can Eat Buffet 11am - 2pm, $6.99
$10 all you can play arcade games from 8pm-close
$2 Pinnacle Vodka, $2 Domestic bottles and drafts, $4 Jack and Jim NFL Thursday Nights: $12 Domestic Buckets, $3 16oz Aluminum Bottles, 35 Cent Wings
Large 3 Topping Pizza $11.99 + Tax
10% off any meal combos
11am-7pm: $1.50 Budlight, Miller Lite and Yuengling draft, $1 off bottles and 25% off Wine bottles
10% off any meal combos
$4 Martini Mondays! $4 Martinis and cocktails made with Deep Eddy Vodka Last Monday of Every Month: 5 Course Beer Dinner
$4 Martini Mondays! $4 Martinis and cocktails made with Deep Eddy Vodka Last Monday of Every Month: 5 Course Beer Dinner
The Black Sheep’s Guide to the 2014
By :B & r qu e in nd n an
it
Yo H h e er a u e rd
fi rs t!
TOURNAMENT Whew! What a season it’s been! It seemed like just yesterday we were tipping off the 2013-2014 NCAA Men’s Basketball season with a November 8th slate that saw 138 games pitting the nation’s finest young men against each other. The first night’s go-round immediately became the stuff of legend. How could we forget (insert name)’s stellar performance in an unexpected victory over (insert Nov. 8th upset)? Ah, but that was just the first iconic moment in a season that’ll go down in history as one of college basketball’s best ever. And while those early-season games count, it’s important to look at the recently-ended conference tournaments when filling out your brackets in time for March 18th tip-off in bucolic Dayton, Ohio. Heading into the season sports pundits nationwide considered Michigan State the cream of the Big Ten crop, but with their narrow (win/loss) to cellar dweller (Big Ten school) last Sunday in Indianapolis, is this team coming into the Big Dance as frigid as Michigan’s recently-turned winter, or as hot as (female celebrity)’s latest antics? We say it’s safe to plug Michigan State into your elite eight, but be careful, because if things break like The Black Sheep thinks they will, they’ll be facing a hot (mid-major) team that’s been able to smell the blood in the water for these past three months. Now, we’re not saying we see (mid-major) taking down a well-equipped Spartans squad, but if (mid-major) can put up a gutsy fight midway through the second half, (small school)’s shocking upset of (top-5 team) earlier this year shows just about anything can happen in the waning seconds of a college basketball game. But with Michigan State stronger than it’s been in years, the rest of the Big Ten took a step back this year, with only (number) teams ranked in the national top 25 by season’s end. That’s why we turn to Kentucky, Kansas and surprise top-10 team Kansas State when looking at this year’s true title contenders. The KKK Klan, as The Black Sheep has begun calling them, has taken the nation by storm in different ways. John Calipari’s Wildcat krew has white washed opponents’ defense with a fast-paced offense run through (Kentucky player), while Bill Self’s Kansas squad has rallied around (Kansas player’s) season-ending (body part) injury, rattling off (number) straight wins after his year came to a close as he was carted off during the (date) game against (opponent). Yes, these teams have proven they were on a whole ‘nother level — as if they were a superior group of humans out there on the court, forcing the other players into submission.
The Black Sheep predicts the
2014 NCAA All Americans: The real surprise of the season, of course, was Bruce Weber’s Kansas State squad. Unranked at the beginning of the year, these KSU Wildcats have built a reputation as one of the nation’s nastiest teams, starting with their early-season dismantling of (ranked team) in front of a national audience. Sure, (date) and (date) missteps against soft teams (soft team) and (soft team), respectively, leave room for doubt, but no one in Manhattan, Kansas is doubting this squad. Have no hesitation when penciling them in to your sweet sixteen. And though there are clear lottery picks on stacked big-conference teams, how could we leave out the stellar performances put on by (Pacific northwest school)’s scrappy, three-point gunning, defense-savvy point guard, (name)? This (Canadian city)-born tiny tyrant’s scrappy skill set may inevitably fizzle out in the NBA, but don’t think for a second his high basketball IQ, unmatched hustle, and all-American smile won’t gutsy his team to the third weekend of the tournament. He’s dragged his team this far on sheer willpower, and there’s no reason to think he can’t do it again. While Virginia Commonwealth University has been the nation’s darling for the past several seasons, the midseason brawl between coach Shaka Smart and broadcaster (name) that left the booth man hospitalized and the coach suspended indefinitely will surely hurt the Rams’ chances at postseason success. While college basketball fans are divided as to who to blame for the fight, we’ll never forget Coach Smart’s post-fight speech in which he called (name) a “money grubbing, walking penis who knows nothing about basketball.” Barring reinstatement by the university, consider VCU a one-and-done. Of course, we’d be remiss not to mention the (date) tragedy that saw a hot (school) team lose its entire squad and coaching staff in a horrific plane crash just outside of the Charlotte Douglas International Airport. The nation watched as (team)’s plane slam dunked onto the runway instead of on the court. Just when they were playing their best basketball, too. A wracked fanbase and devastated families will never know what kind of high-flying hoopin’ the nation missed out on. National Championship chances don’t come around every day, and you’d hate to miss out on one due to something like this. The Black Sheep will be the first to tell you that a lot can change between Tournament tip-off and the National Championship trophy hoisted high by one team on April 7th in Arlington, Texas. Just know it’s going to be crazy, and you heard it here first.
First Team: G: Last Name, First (School) G: Last Name, First (School) F: Last Name, First (School) F: Last Name, First (School)-Deceased F: Last Name, First (School)
Second Team: G: Last Name, First (School) G: Last Name, First (School) F: Last Name, First (School) F: Last Name, First (School) F: Last Name, First (School)
Third Team: G: Last Name, First (School) G: Last Name, First (School)-Deceased F: Last Name, First (School) F: Last Name, First (School) F: Last Name, First (School)
Bartender of the Week Favorite Drink: Deep Eddy Ruby Red with lemonade Favorite Shot: Fireball Disgusting Drink: Any IPA A child’s laughter makes you…: Giggle and smile. What’s the worst movie you’ve ever seen?: Vanilla Sky How would you spend $1 million in pennies?: Buy my own bar. What is nature’s sexiest animal?: Tiger. What’s the stupidest thing you’ve bought off the internet?: A nurse Halloween costume. If you had to have a nickname that involved a piece of fruit, what would your nickname be?: Peaches.
Andrienne of Preservation Pub
Drinking Game
Why should people read The Black Sheep?: It’s an easy read.
Recipe for disaster
Pigskins and Puke
Day of the Dead Deep Fry
With football in full swing, everyone’s weekends are filled with television and cases of Bud Light. Sometimes sitting on your ass all day can get a little boring, so here’s a game to play while watching your team of choice with your buddies.
Even if your trick-or-treating days are over, you’re still bound to stock up on candy on Halloween. After a few days of gorging on the sweet stuff, even the comfort of a Snickers bar becomes mediocre. Here’s a way to add a unique crunch to your Halloween candy.
What You’ll Need: A table, a piece of paper, 20 red cups, 4 pencils, paper and pen to keep score, and some beers (duh). Number of Players: Teams of two, and any hot female friends you have to be cheerleaders. Level of Intoxication: Men don’t puke from a few beers, jeeze.
What You’ll Need: A variety of fun-size candy bars, 1 egg, 1 cup of milk, 1 tablespoon of canola oil, 1 cup flour, 1 teaspoon baking powder, and 4 cups of bubbling oil for deep fried goodness. Cook Time: 15 minutes Fatty Factor: Your time at the gym this semester will be wasted on just one of these.
How to Play: - Two teams stand at opposite ends of the table, with your partner at your side. - Each team takes 10 cups and sets them up like a normal pong game. - Fold the piece of paper into a football like you always did every day in middle school. - One team starts by flicking the football at the cups at the other end of the table. The goal is to either land the football inside the cup or knock one off the table. Once this happens, that team is awarded 6 points. - After a touchdown is scored, the opponents lay down two pencils on the table as goalposts. They can be as close or as far apart as they want (minimum 2 inches apart to be fair). The scoring team has one chance to flick their football to land between the pencils. If they can do so, they earn another point. - The team who was just scored on now has to drink. If the extra point was missed, drink for 6 seconds. If the extra point was made, finish your beer. - Keep playing until all the cups on both sides are gone, removing cups pong-style after someone makes a cup or knocks it off the table. The Game Ends When: All the cups are gone! Add up the points to see who wins.
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What was the most embarrassing thing you did in grade school?: I was on the 3rd grade basketball team and scored one for the other team.
Let’s Get Baked: - Freeze your candy bars for a few hours. - Combine the egg, milk and canola oil in a bowl. - In another bowl, combine flour and baking powder. - Pour the wet ingredients into the dry and whisk. Cover and refrigerate for a few minutes. - Heat the 4 cups of oil to 375 degrees in a deep, heavy pot. - Dip the frozen candy bars into the batter then carefully place into the oil. - Cook until golden brown, drain on paper towels and let cool a little bit before stuffing your face. Don’t just stop at candy either. Try Oreos, Twinkies, steaks, leftover pizza. Anything you have.
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Stage an Intervention for FINALS WEEK WHAT YOU SHOULD REALLY BE DOING DURING
the Anti-Technology Professor TBS STaFF WroTe THIS
April is almost over, which means the end of spring semester is nigh. is the perfect time to catch up on all those amazing shows they keep But, before that glorious day, students must get past one last hurtalking about like breaking bad, mad men and game of thrones. Or, dle: final exams. Now why in the world would anyoneBy: want to readsheep you could just choose to catch up with the Kardashians. Should you black staff an article about finals? Well, this isn’t really an article about finals at choose to go this route, we’ll send you a noose free of charge, you all; very about avoiding do time with to finals at the know what to We in allfact, haveit’s that onemuch professor who simplyanything refuses toto take learn balance. It’sdo. important to remember that the anger is just a defense all costs. right upHe your alley. how to useSeems the interwebs. never uses PowerPoint during lectures, and mechanism and it’s perfectly natural. Expect to hear a lot of excuses Or, his if you’re looking far ahead nals)is you he refuses to accept anything other than hard copies of assignments. like poor, deflated littleenough eyes can’t read(remember, a computer.past Thefikey to Since you’re to be productive – again, not studycould coax yourself into the gym to work on your summer bod. Not It’s jacking upnot yourgoing educational aura, and giving you you’re carpal tunnel like take the non-confrontational approach. Show as much empathy as ing for finals-- you have to find a way to pass the time. Hell, you’ve everyone had the opportunity to go somewhere super-awesome for a mother. Something must be done. you can muster. procrastinated your way through every semester up until now and spring break, and many of those who lost out on the opportunity will you’ve done just fine…kind of. Remember, your parents don’t want go on a nice vacation following finals. Since our society tells us that When stage an forand yourjust stuck-in-the-sixties prof,isyou So your finally let go of thata deep-seated you toyou succumb to intervention peer pressure, because everyone do- Bargaining: it’s just not right for professor you to gohas to the beach without proper set of may notice that he goes through stages almost identical to those of rage. Heflwants to negotiate you may be tempted to accept ing it, (studying) that doesn’t mean you have to do it too. abs or at stomach baredand proudly, head to the gym and the do extra some grief and loss. The Black Sheep has done some “research” (read: asked credit hework offerson you to check leave his DON’T DO IT. The is becomcardio, abs, outoffice. the opposite sex, andclass swim… and by our psych Here’s unbearable. You’ll only your professor if you back down now. Classes aremajor over,roommate). which means you how needtototalk getyour yourprofessor ass to a down party, ing “swim” we mean “tan byenable the pool.“ from theYou’ve ledge, made and edge into the 21st ficentury. pronto. it a him whole semester lled with studying, stupid “Please, just give me a few more years. I promise I’ll change later.” Your is justthinking this sidetoofyourself, desperate. Try toI really ease him into idea by group projects and essays galore, and now it’s time to treat yourself professor And if you’re “Man, need to the start studywith a party beer,where music,your dancing and will denying still have ing,” stop.back. Have you forgotten youjust also need to at catch up with Denial: This isfull theofstage professor make you the most ex- bargaining “Professor, what if you have a look Blackboard? responsibilities. And how awesome everything is works going No friends? How off easy your and friends because cuses. “I don’t have timethink to setabout up Blackboard. ”“My current method pressure, justmany click times arounddid for you a bit.blow See how organized it to Volapalooza andifFort Festmy willclass be this weekend, you to do schoolwork instead? Is it more justbe: fine. ” “It’s your fault you Sanders can’t handle structure, and and are is. Yes,had yyyessss, see? Feels good, real good huh?”than zero? This is your even if you think Volapalooza will be professor lame, what with Tyga’s “Rack chance to reconnect with your friends and go on some awesome imtoo ingrained in shaky technology. ” Your is going to absolutely City” dump tens and twenties on your titties, of Depression: promptu adventures. Go on aifsafari through the shady side of class. Knoxrefusefailing to heartoyou out,those so your best option is to speak gently butthink firmly. Don’t be alarmed your professor cancels your next all amazing after that you crash. you’re Between classes He’ll ville,be orposted have aup “who can wiping take the nap” in Hodges. Tellthe your professor thatparties it’s expensive to could print (unless an English in bed, hislongest tears with hiscontest tenure checks. No and finals signs partying. Either a whimsical adventure to a faraway landto where major, but all don’t tellpoint themto that). Tell him that the paper grade book he’s big deal.way, This it’ll is allbe a part of the process. You somehow managed talk finals don’t exist and there’s nary a care in the world, besides gang using is taking up time that he could spend doing something else, like him into setting up Blackboard and now he’s hugging his old grade If you aren’t a partier there are plenty things for you to do as well, so violence and night terrors. telling his wife he loves her before he sooner-than-later bites the dust, book to his chest. He loved that thing, and now feels like a sellout, a you don’t skip straight to studying just because you don’t think we or just grading that quiz we took six weeks ago. fun and alcohol-free; number. Youryourself first assignment is athe discussion board response “why can talk you into doing something that’s both Or pamper by taking time to eat good food, on because ruined your life. ” It’s not a veryBell subtle butCook-Out your professor we made a deal, no studying, dammit. For instance, you could catch technology your poor has body has been living on Taco and every Anger: point professor is readyfriends to fail you. learned sta- isdrunken still heavily grieving. up on a At lotthis of TV. Youyour know those mutant who “Iare somehow night. Reward yourself with an actual meal. You don’t cook? tisticstowith anup abacus and wooden graphite sticks, so whyhours can’t upon you!” able keep with all their schoolwork while spending Well, learn. Go on the internet and type in “food recipe, plz lol,” he’ll scream. You extra patient because yoursuck, GPA hangs in Acceptance: a few weeks andit,so farthe things toabe okay. hours keeping uphave withtoallbe their shows. We know they but now Google mayIt’s notbeen get the last half of but firstseem part is shoe-in.
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Whatever you do, it’s more important than studying. Especially if it starts with “chicken” and ends with “carbonara” Listen, these life experiences can teach you as much -- nary, more!— than any classroom setting can. If you and Leslie hadn’t gotten shitfaced and made out at that party, how would you have learned about sexism in modern America? Didn’t that twelve-hour nap teach Your professor is coming rhythm? to terms with the fact that the technology youseasoned a lot about your circadian Or what about cooking, iswho changing education system he loves. ongoing process needsthe a degree when you that can work as aIt’s fryanguy at McDonalds? but at least you don’t have to your world roommate’s printer Screw studying, there’s a borrow whole new out there foranymore, you right ornow! worse: hand writing your assignments. Gag.
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m.a.s.h. Best Man: - Louis C.K. - Tim Meadows - Andy Samberg - Nick Offerman
Signature Entree: - Chicken a la king - 7-layer salad - Tuna noodle casserole - Eggplant parmesan
Pulls a Prank by… - Making out with the bride. - Putting ecstasy in the punch. - Releasing 50 kittens onto the dance floor. - Throwing the cake out of the window.
With a Side of… - Dirt dessert - Tequila sunrises - Vegan cornbread - Xanax
Maid of Honor: - Aubrey Plaza - Ellen DeGeneres - Kristen Wiig - Fran Drescher
Cheesy Cover Band: - Dread Zeppelin - Mandonna - Nudist Priest - AC/Dshe
Highlight of her speech is… - Your threesome with a hooker. - Getting tattoos last night. - Doing coke with Bill Clinton. - Streaking in the cafeteria junior year.
Performing your first dance… - “Whatta Man” - “Frosty the Snowman” - “I Am The Walrus” - “C.R.E.A.M.”
LET US PREdict
your future How to Play: Doodle some lines on the page until someone, or your brain, tells you to stop. Take the number of lines and go down the list, and cross off every time you get to your number. Where there is one left in each catetory, that is your future. Yeah, you remember this from elementary school - don’t pretend like you don’t.
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