Tennessee - Issue 10 - 3/14/2013 by The Black Sheep

The Black Sheep

FR EE ge ... li t f ke or al no l th tw ep ea inc rin he g sy gree ou ’ n. ll

• a college newspaper that’s actually about college •

Volume 2, Issue 10 • 3/14/13 - 4/4/13

theblacksheeponline.com @blacksheepUTK

cancun bar remembers knoxville hero black sheep staff wrote this

As Knoxville warms up for another spring break, many Vols are taking a moment to reflect on past vacations. For the some dozen students who travelled to Cancun, Mexico last year, one brave, heroic act stands above all the drunken shenanigans that flavor so many spring breaks. “Liz Warner showed us her boobs,” recalls senior Rich Wang. “It was incredible.” Several eyewitnesses, including Warner’s BFF, eagerly confirmed for The Black Sheep that, while waiting for her glass to be filled at Cancun club, Senor Frogs, thensuper senior Elizabeth Warner turned around to the patrons behind her and heroically lifted her shirt to expose her breasts. “I’ve never seen such courage,” Warner’s friend, senior Kevin Duncan recounted. “I’ll never forget it. ‘Tick Tock’ by Ke$ha was playing, and it was at that part, the one where she’s like, ‘The party don’t start till I walk in,’ and Lizzy just turned around at that exact moment and flashed us.” “It was like magic,” Duncan added. Warner, who was pursuing a degree in primary education during spring break 2012, (she has since graduated), had reportedly stashed her bikini top in her Best Friend Forever’s saddlebag in anticipation of a later wet t-shirt Contest. BFF Sarah Morris remembers the event well. “Lizzy has always had the biggest heart,” Morris said. “We were standing at the bar to get her drink -- I was the designated sober in our group that night -- and we were dancing and laughing, and then Liz turned to me and said, ‘I think we cut in front of the guys behind us!’ I told her I wasn’t sure and kept dancing, but Liz

turned around with the biggest smile I’ve ever seen and lifted her shirt to expose her bare breasts. She shouted, ‘Woo! I love you guys!’ and turned back around.” Added Morris, “I miss that bitch.” The Black Sheep tracked down the group of spring breakers Warner and Morris allegedly cut in front of at the bar -- a group of juniors from Kentucky. Did nowseniors Jerome Page, Leon Williams, Charles White and Sybil Martinez recall the event? “This little blonde chick flashed the whole bar!” Page said. “It was the most memorable experience of my college life!” “Did she cut in front of us?” Williams said. “What? Wait, did she? Hell, man, I don’t remember.” “She was the nicest person I’ve ever met,” White remarked. “It was the craziest thing,” Martinez said. “I remember being really pissed about something, but suddenly there were boobs and I just got really happy suddenly. I think that girl rescued my whole night. I… I never got to thank her.” And yet, there are some who recall Warner’s selfless act of bravery in a different light. “Ugh, what a slut,” said South Carolina junior Kelly Vargas, even though she has no idea what she’s talking about. “Who seriously flashes an entire bar? What a drunk whore.” As of press time, Vargas was sleeping with her boyfriend’s brother. “Day solay,” said Montreal University senior Monique Paschal who was at Senor Frogs during Warner’s heroic

display. “Juh nuh comprend pa.” Paschal shook her head as if she didn’t understand why someone would expose their breasts to strangers. “Voolay voo be en parlay ploo luntumun, seal voo play.” As the first anniversary of Elizabeth Warner’s selfless, courageous, noble, valiant night of valor approaches, TBS caught up with the heroine herself. As of press time, Warner was heroically working as an assistant in a preschool in Maryville and hadn’t had more than four hours of sleep a night in the past month. “Excuse me, sir, you have to check in at the office,” she told TBS, valiantly. When we clarified that we were here to interview her about spring break 2012, her courage nearly faltered. “Janelle? Have they… Have they found her? Is she okay?” TBS clarified further and Warner became annoyed. “Who are you? Get out.” When Warner finally relented to an interview while the preschoolers napped, she remained humble and

oblivious to the effect her act or courage last year had on her fellow spring breakers. “Sybil Martinez says ‘thank you,’” we said. “Who?” Warner asked. We asked Elizabeth Warner to recount the event in her own words. “I don’t know, dude. I was so drunk. I remember dancing with Sarah [Morris] at Senor Frogs and I just flashed the bar. I spent the next two hours throwing up and crying for my mom in the bathroom with Janelle. That was… that was the last time I saw her.” We changed the subject so Warner wouldn’t talk about her (probably dead) friend again. “Do you think you’ll go on spring break again this year?” At that moment, a young boy came up to us, put his finger in his nose and wiped it on Warner’s arm before going back to his nap mat. Warner sighed unhappily. “No. I’m a grown-up now. I’m a… a…” As of press time, Elizabeth Warner was sobbing inconsolably in her classroom’s closet.

what'’s inside One Big Happy Tennessee Family

When Your Poop Turns Green: A St. Patrick’s Day Epilogue

Blood may be stronger than anything, but maybe we should think about cutting some of these annoying relatives out of the state.

A St. Patrick’s tradition longer than awful food and religious riots.

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From the streets How do the students of UTK celebrate St. Patty’s Day?

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contents

Questions? Comments? Compliments? Insults? info@theblacksheeponline.com

page 5: Top 10: St. Patty’s Day Beers

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On a day where the main theme is drinking, you’ll need our expertise in deciding which beers to get Leprechaun drunk on.

page 10: St. Patrick’s Day, The Movie Brought to you by the guys who made The Hangover and other sweet college partyin’ movies.

Table of

page 11: We Interview: Pandora’s Boxx This infamous drag queen reminds us that you can just kind of do anything you want to do.

page 12: Bartender of the week Head over to Whiskey Dix to chill with JP and discuss better pick-up lines.

page 14: Play St. Patty’s Bingo! Bonus points if you see a naked cop crying.

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page three p e e h S k c a l B e h T p

! k e e W e h t f o c i P

p A e l i b o M

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word of the week Anti-elope:

A contrarian stance taken by college males, denying their desire to ever marry. “Dude, I’m so anti-elope, I ain’t ever marrying no bitches.”

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One Big Happy Tennessee Family lindsey fleck wrote this Here in the south family means a lot. Only in the South do you get the truly crazy families, complete with racism, a healthy love of the 2nd Amendment, and the occasional bout of incest thrown in the deep end of the gene pool. Down here, not only do people have families, so do our universities. No, it isn’t something sappy like the teachers, students and redneck sports fans are all one big orange family. Instead, this is a tale of how the universities all across Tennessee are related in some way. Yes, just like any good southern family, there are seemingly thousands of cousins despite no one really knowing how they got there. At the top of this university family tree is proud patriarch UTK. Knoxville has a super-old grandma named Tusculum College, but she’s so old and forgettable, we’ll treat her like any real grandma and pay her no attention. UTK and East Tennessee State University merged to birth lovely Chattanooga and Martin. Unfortunately, ETSU did have a little bit of a slip-up when it cheated on UTK and had an incestuous relationship with Middle Tennessee State University – to make matters worse, that slip-up resulted in a bastard child, Memphis. Have you ever wondered why Memphis resides on the edge of the state? Well, ETSU was so embarrassed about banging its relative that it banished Memphis to sit on a major fault line, praying for an earthquake to wash away the proof of its adultery. Don’t forget about the cousins, because every family has a bunch of cousins that everyone hates, especially when they come over for holidays, or worse, sporting events. Poor Knoxville gets tired of pounding Vanderbilt in basketball, but they have to, because snobby little Vanderbilt has been gloating about how its

football team beat Knoxville two years in a row. And just when you think Vandy couldn’t get worse, it goes and brings around its pretentious, preppy daughters with him, Lipscomb and Belmont. Together the three are a trifecta of everything that is wrong with rich people. They come over for good old family bonding time and ruin it by talking about their pools of money, garage elevators, and “superior bloodlines.” Get over it, you’re all lucky Memphis doesn’t get invited to the family dinners, otherwise they’d whoop that perty lil’ ass. But that’s enough about the first tier of cousins, let’s touch on the more obscure relatives, Tennessee Tech and TSU. These cousins couldn’t be further apart, while both schools’ acceptance policy ends with the last letter on a check’s signature, one’s in a large metropolitan area, a city boy, while Tech lives in a mountain shack that the pig squealers from Deliverance wouldn’t touch. They both might be dumb, but the family needs State because it’s the only school in the family that Memphis kind of associates with, and everyone needs a family buddy. Tech is the most stable of all the family members: he never goes on a crazy Christian rampage, and rarely dominates the sports world, in a relevant sport, anyway. And now for the richest cousins who have turned their noses up at the rest of the family. They’re the ones that make the Vanderbilt look like the second coming of Jesus, the private Christian colleges. Ugh, dealing with Trevecca and Christian Brothers is such a pain in the nuts, especially when they’re in the room together both bragging about whose Jesus is fancier. And don’t think for a second they’ll get tuckered out after yelling at each other, because soon they’ll get bored with themselves and decide shove their

faith on everyone else. Mention anything about naughty Catholic school girls and all hell breaks loose. Crazy Christians are so crazy and bothersome that they take the fun out of everything, plus they choose to believe the “glory of god” is better than “the glory of football.” They’re not invited to family reunions very often. So even though we all know that weird, party loving, obnoxious orange-wearing Knoxville is the pride and joy of the Tennessee school lineage, we still have a family to put up with. Especially lately when we’ve used our siblings as punching bags to feel better. Go Vols!

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The

Top 10

St. Patty'’s Day Beers

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Not all beers are created equal. On a day that is globally recognized as the best reason to drink some brewskies, it’s important that you leave that can of Michelob piss in the back of your fridge and crack open the best of the best to honor one of the greatest holidays to ever exist. This St. Patty’s Day throw some green on it, hit the beer market, and get your best pinching moves out for the precious, fleeting time where beer becomes the reason for the season. 10.) Miller: This beer is only on the list because it trumps the other cousin beers in taste while still championing the name of cheapness. At our stage in life, we can’t afford to be too picky. 9.) Yuengling: Keeping it domestic, this beer is always a nice choice if you know you’ll be drinking a lot. Since it’s America’s oldest brewery you can feel better about supporting the historical spirit of beerdom without having to acknowledge that it was likely brewed by persecuted Irishmen in 1829. 8.) Murphy’s: This beer is black, and once you taste it you may never go back to drinking diluted shit ever again. It’s smoother than you would imagine, which makes drinking multiples seem as effortless as drinking that warm vodka-Gatorade you used to drink freshman year. 7.) Sweetwater: Unlike peewater (*cough cough, Natty Light*), this water goes down much sweeter and comes from the more beautiful regions of Tennessee. It’s cool to drink this because it shows you #supportlocal on such a national day, but it’s not so hip you end up looking like an elitist douche. 6.) Sierra Nevada Pale Ale: This beer is deserving of your time and consumption not only for the cool-lookin’ label, but because cool lookin’ people drink pale ales. “Oh you’re drinking Keystone? Is that a light beer? This is a pale ale. Pale ale.” 5.) Kilkenny: This Irish Cream Ale might as well be the cream of the Irish beer crop when it comes to brews that aren’t dark as shit. In other words, you won’t feel like you need to shit immediately after drinking one. 4.) Corona Extra: Put the lime in it, you’ll nut. This beer literally picks your lazy ass up and puts you on a beach for a hot minute. So close to summer, yet so wasted away… 3.) Heineken: Heil Beer! This is one of the best things to come out of the Netherlands since Hendrik Willam Van Loon and Zara Whites.

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2.) Samuel Adams: As close as you can get to the Irish without leaving the states, this Bostonian beer is both patriotic and festive. You’ll feel super appropriate on this day if you are drinking one of the many varieties (Irish Red!) of these bad boys. Taste those amber waves of grain.

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1.) Guinness: While this should go with saying, this beer is the essence of the green culture. Dark and delicious, this drink isn’t meant for pussies who love Woodchuck. But if you’re man enough to handle it, you’ll actually enjoy getting wasted for a holiday.

Reilly O’Reilly wrote this

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theblacksheeponline.com

When Your Poop Turns Green: A St. Patrick’s Day Epilogue tbs staff wrote this As always, you rocked the pants off St. Patrick’s Day. Not to mention the pants of of the horny leprechaun you picked up somewhere between barfing up a green, jizzum-like shot of some sort of alcohol and stealing a bus stop sign. However, like any fervent and painful story of epic liver-damaging proportions, there’s always an aftermath, and, if it’s anything like the post-St. Patrick’s-Day-wrath served up by all those years before you were a super senior, a whole lotta shit will be involved in your St. Patty’s Day epilogue. While there’s presumably nothing wrong with letting out a solid fart next to your hook-up from the night before, this can become a most dangerous game. The possibility of sharting out a runny, emerald blumpkin presents itself with linearly increasing probability relative to the number of green beers consumed the night before. Everyone is well aware that if you don’t consume ten ounces of liquid green-gold for every time you see the words “Kiss Me, I’m Irish” adorned across some butterface’s breasts, you’re cursing the grave of St. Patrick himself. So, like the innovative conquistador you are, you sleuth your hungover self to the ass gasket before some snarky poo goblins waddle out your unprepared cornhole. Having successfully avoided the beginnings of an unintentional hot carl on the solid five lying to your left, you reach the toilet. Since your supple buttocks are already bare from the sloppy trip to pound town you took after that little charmer in your bed drunkenly asked you if you’d like to see her three leaf clover, you don’t have to factor in the ever-variable pant-dropping time. With the glory of a thousand demon penises up your archenemy’s nose, you experience a poo-phoria so sweet it can only be described as the assquake of the ages. You look down to see the longest, greenest chi-chi gong anyone has ever created. Pleased with yourself, you prepare to return to your sex cave as you feel another emerald storm a-brewin’ in your underbelly. All things considered, you decide to leave your agape anus hovering over the community pool. Without warning, a wild poop soup of mossy green stool projectiles out your bum hole with the fiery burn of the worst ass-piss known to mankind. As you examine what lies beneath you, you try to diagnose what variety of green-dyed Dub and liquor could have lead to this distinct breed of black-green that permeates your poo stew. Your heart runs wild with conflicting emotions, unsure of whether to be ashamed of the concoction you’ve avalanched out of your rectum, or to be proud that, as a result of binge drinking, you have finally produced the most naturally beautiful thing you will ever craft. You’ve been in the bathroom for a solid half-hour now, and that St. Patty sex partner has long gone, but

it’s all moot, as you can sense round three lurking. So, like a good American, you keep your butt cheeks affixed to an already traumatized toilet seat. As a result of rushing to the water closet faster than you can say “asparagus loaf,” you forgot your essential pooping partner: your iPhone. You feel even colder and more alone, as you’re unable to ask Siri important, existential questions including “Oh, God, when will it end?” and instead have to resort to reading the shampoo label you’ve nearly memorized. While pistachio colored diarrhea continues to surge through your body for the next few days, you realize it’s merely the darkest before the dawn. And while you may be entirely foggy on the details, you take your days worth of green dumps as a sign of St. Patty’s Day success. Savor the feeling, the whole process only gets worse with age.

[PartyPics]

From the Streets Got a question you want us to ask? FTS@theblacksheeponline.com

What will you be doing for St. Patty’s day? “Celebratin’ the way St. Paddy would’ve wanted.” - Nick

“Edward 40 hands.” - Mikey

“Something in a super-classy way.” - Katie

send your party pics to pics@theblacksheeponline.com

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The Grid SPECIAL NIGHT

SUNDAY! St. Patricks Day with The Coveralls, 10 p.m.

tuesday: Trivia! $2 Domestic Drafts

FRIDAY & SATURDAY Dance Nights at Southbound!

SUNDAY: Presented by Carleo Entertainment & 90.3 WUTK The Funeral Directory (As part of the 4th Annual Old City Pub Crawl) The Protomen @ NV Nightclub 18+ | 8 PM | $10 Adv

thursday 3/14

Johnson Swingtet, 10 p.m. Half-Off Bottles of Wine Until 10 p.m.

$2 Domestic Bottles

Check out carleoentertainment.com for upcoming events!

FRIday 3/15

90.3 The Rock Presents: Kelsey’s Woods with Michael Davis and the Teleplows, 10 p.m.

Dance Night with DJ Eric B @ Southbound 21+ | 9pm

saturday 3/16

Games on the Big Screens All Day!

Catch all the Games Here!

Dance Night with Ray Funk @ Southbound 21+ | 9pm Ladies free, Gents $5 after 11pm

Dance Night with DJ Eric B @ NV Nightclub 18+ | 9pm

sunday 3/17

St. Patricks Day with The Coveralls, 10 p.m.

$2 Domestic Bottles and Drafts, $5.50 Pitchers and Happy Hour Wells All Day. $0.50 Wings, $3.99 Cheeseburgers and Fries

Call (865) 414-6050 to set up your private party!

Presented by Carleo Entertainment & 90.3 WUTK The Funeral Directory (As part of the 4th Annual Old City Pub Crawl) The Protomen @ NV Nightclub 18+ | 8 PM | $10 Adv

monday 3/18

Keith Brown and The New Jazz Fourtet, Live! Half Price Pint Night

$5.50 Domestic Pitchers $0.50 Wings, Pitchers and Happy Hour Wells All Day

Check out carleoentertainment.com for upcoming events!

tuesday 3/19

The Westbound Rangers, 10 p.m. Half Price Pint Night

Trivia! $2 Domestic Drafts

Call (865) 414-6050 to set up your private party!

WED. 3/20

Live Team Trivia - 8pm

$1.50 PBR Tall Boys

Check out carleoentertainment.com for upcoming events!

$2.50 Blue Moon Drafts

Ladies free, Gents $5 after 11pm

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The Grid Full Menu served nightly til 1:30am!!

Beer Bust Saturday! Free Drafts $5 Liquor Pitchers 35 cent Wings & Shrimp

SUNDAY: Large 2 Topping Pizza $10.99 + Tax

WEDNESDAY: Half Price Bottles of Wine All Day Until 10PM

College Night Thursday! $5 Pitcher of Beer and Free Buffet till 11 Karaoke Starts at 11 All new $5 Margarita Liquor Pitcher $1 Wells, $2 PBR tallboy Beer Pong Tourney!

Large 3 Topping Pizza $11.99 + Tax Happy Hour 3-7pm: 50 cents off any beer; draft or bottle

Half Off Drafts after 9pm

Jason and the Punknecks with Sidecar Symposium, 9 p.m. $2.50 Yuengling Drafts

thursday 3/14

FREE BEER! $5 Liquor Pitcher ($3 Add Another Shot) $3 Wells, $3 Apple Pie Moonshine, $3 24oz Natty & Keystone $2 PBR & Highlife Tallboys

Large Supreme or Veggie Supreme Pizza $14.99 + Tax Happy Hour 3-7pm: 50 cents off any beer; draft or bottle

Try any of our 30 craft beers on tap!

Home Made Wine Band with Caleb Caudle and Haley Dreis, 9 p.m. Drink Specials!

FRIday 3/15

Beer Bust Saturday! Free Drafts $5 Liquor Pitchers 35 cent Wings & Shrimp

Large Meatzaria or Veggie Pizza $12.99 + Tax

Come in and watch the game on our big screens!

Spades Cooley, Zack and Kota’s Sweet Life, 10 p.m. Drink Specials!

saturday 3/16

Book Your Private Parties Here! 865-525-0004 rumorz@charter.net

Large 2 Topping Pizza $10.99 + Tax

Triva Starts at 8pm Brunch 10:30am - 3pm

St. Pat’s with Mason Dixie Burlesque Tour, 9 p.m. Half Price Food All Day!

sunday 3/17

Book Your Private Parties Here! 865-525-0004 rumorz@charter.net

Large 1 Topping Pizza + Breadsticks $10.99 + Tax Happy Hour 3-7pm: 50 cents off any beer; draft or bottle

Last Monday of Every Month: 5 Course Beer Dinner

Open Mic Comedy, 9pm, FREE! Free queso or salsa with a tab

monday 3/18

Book Your Private Parties Here! 865-525-0004 rumorz@charter.net

Large Windy City Pizza $11.99 + Tax Happy Hour 3-7pm: 50 cents off any beer; draft or bottle

$2 Drafts

Einstein Simplified Improv Troop 8pm, FREE Ryan Sheeley, 10pm, FREE $5 Burgers

tuesday 3/19

Book Your Private Parties Here! 865-525-0004 rumorz@charter.net

Any Medium Pizza $10.99 + Tax Happy Hour 3-7pm: 50 cents off any beer; draft or bottle

Half Price Bottles of Wine All Day Until 10PM

Villains, Cerulia, and Madisyn, 9 p.m., FREE! $5 Nachos, $5 Dickel Tickles

WED. 3/20

$4 El Jimador Tequila Every Day

SPECIAL NIGHT

S t. p A T R I C K' S D A Y Brought To You By The Guys Who Made The Hangover And Other Sweet College Partyin’ Movies In case you didn’t know, The Black Sheep dabbles in more than just print and porn. A few weeks back we had the opportunity to meet with a bigwig executive at a movie makin’ company. “This is our big shot,” we thought. We couldn’t blow it; we had to come up with an idea that no one could turn down. And what’s one movie that seems impossible to kill off? Star-studded ensemble holiday movies, of course! So we marched into that executive’s office ready to pitch The Black Sheep Presents: Star-Studded St. Patrick’s Day The Movie. Since this idea was so golden, so perfect, so mouth-wateringly fresh, we brought a taperecorder so that we could send our pitch to other movie companies… just in case this guy was actually stupid enough to pass on the idea. The Black Sheep: Hi Mr. [redacted] nice to meet you! Are you ready to hear our pitch? Executive: I suppose, but let’s make it snappy. I’m eating sushi off of a naked woman in 20 minutes. The Black Sheep: No problemo! Okay, the scene opens on a lush green field on a quiet morning in southern Ireland – yes, Ireland. Then, out of nowhere, a stout little leprechaun -- played by Adam Sandler or Tracy Morgan, because, as an offensive racial stereotype would say, “a leprechaun ain’t black!?” -- runs across the screen with a HUGE bong in his hand. He turns back and yells “You’ll never get me POT of gold!” He’s being chased, but by whom? Drunk guys clad in St. Patrick’s Day gear – Sean William Scott and Ryan Reynolds. Then, freeze frame on Sean and Ryan diving after the leprechaun, (maybe they miss, and accidentally pull down a girl’s shirt instead, and there’s like, these huge tits on this huge screen, except the nipples are green, like St. Patrick’s Day! It doesn’t matter where the girl came from, we’ll figure that out in production. Titles SMASH into the screen, “Star-Studded St. Patrick’s Day, The Movie.” Executive: Okay, I like boobs on the opening scene – always an eyecatcher. Make them golden boobs, for St. Patrick’s Day. Otherwise, I don’t see where this is going, and my naked sushi is waiting. TBS: (flipping through pages and pages of loose paper) Okay, okay… Here! So basically, Ryan O’Toole (Ryan Reynolds) and Brady McDuff (Sean William Scott) are looking for the perfect solution to day drinking without falling asleep. In their search they run into a crazy German coke dealer (Kevin James), an uppity high school Adderall dealer (Andy Milonakis), a Scottish butcher obsessed with

“meaty bits,” that is, if we can get Mike Meyers, who tells them they must travel to Ireland – the land of drinking to find the “Irish Trifecta, the three-leaf clover of drinking.”

TBS: Also, his helicopter will be blasting, “Party All the Time,” like that scene in Apocalypse Now. That’s like, double nostalgia.

Executive: Okay, this is starting to get better, but what’s going to make it stand out from all the other comedy romps out there?

Executive: I GET IT! Uh, okay, wait. When did they find out where the rainbow weed was?

TBS: Well, Ryan and Brady finally find a secret book that spells out the Irish Trifecta – green beer, gold boobs (we winked at the executive upon saying this), and a very special strain of weed found on a marijuana farm that photosynthesizes from refracted light. “A rainbow!” say Brady and Ryan to each other, looking up from the ancient book.

TBS: …They just know… because… Ryan had a dream where he saw Vanilla Ice dressed as a leprechaun show him the field, so he like, knows what it looks like.

Executive: Amazing. TBS: (our voices gathering excitement) So Brady and Ryan have their work cut out for them. The conflict: Where do they find these three things? Well green beer is everywhere, and they start hilariously drinking too much of it – we’re thinking a montage of these two getting super hammered and dancing around Ireland, pulling down girls’ shirts to see if they have “golden boobs” – who wouldn’t watch that? It’s gold. So after that 20-minute montage, we’re thinking they finally realize “boobs” didn’t mean “breasts,” but rather the archaic English meaning of “dolts.” Sean and Ryan look at each other – half naked, covered in Goldschläger sitting in a pool of green beer in Colin Farrell’s Irish castle with 21 bareboobed women – “That’s us!” they say. It’s a revelation! Colin Farrell looks up from a line of coke, “DUH DOY!!!!!” he says! Executive: Ok, I’m putting through word to get this into production right now. Do we have a screenplay? Actually never mind that, we’ve still got the broomstick that fell on a keyboard and wrote Hangover III on retainer from BroBible.com. But, how does it end!? TBS: Okay, so Brady and Ryan now have two parts of the Irish Trifecta – all they need is the pot at the end of the rainbow, but they can only get there via helicopter. Whose helicopter? EDDIE MURPHY’S! He’ll be playing a black Irish millionaire who loves to PARTY! Again, remember, Irishland doesn’t have a whole lot of black people, so him doing that accent will be really funny. Executive: Eddie Murphy’s awful expensive, boys.

Executive: … Works for me! TBS: Okay, so they get in Eddie Murphy’s helicopter and find the rainbow weed, but unfortunately Adam Sandler/Tracy Morgan leprechaun is guarding it. But we know you’re short on time Mr. [redacted], so we’ll get to the end, just to prove we definitely haven’t not thought out the ending. This is where the chase from the beginning happens, and they chase the leprechaun into his layer. And what do they find there? Women, with golden boobs! “There really are golden boobs!” they say! And after talking to the leprechaun (who will say hilarious things like “Kiss me I’m stoned!” and “I’m higher than Tommy Pickles’ dad!” 90’s nostalgia is so “win” with kids these days!) they realize he can’t visit big Irish cities because he’ll get caught and sold as a leprechaun slave like his ancestors. Therefore, he’s been unable to obtain green beer and instead guards the two other constituents of the Irish Trifecta, waiting for the right two people to bring him green beer. But Ryan, Brady, and Eddie don’t have any green beer on them! So the four of them all get super stoned on rainbow weed – cue hilarious stoner montage – when they come up with a great idea: put the sad, dejected leprechaun on stilts and treat him like a human! They head to the nearest city, Dublin, and fuse the Irish Trifecta. A sick golden three-leaf clover rises above the bar and everyone goes crazy, but the leprechaun falls off his stilts… silence, shock, awe (are people going to capture him?)… no! Everyone keeps partying, treating him as an equal, not a novelty. So he buries his face in some golden boobs, and declares that everyone shall day drink without repercussions for all St. Patty’s Days to come! Executive: The end! I love it! and just got word that the broomstick has the first draft done already!

we interview:

Pandora's boxx

We had the opportunity to interview Pandora Boxx (of drag queen lore, not Greek mythology). You probably know her from multiple appearances on Ru Paul’s Drag Race, but she’s involved in a plethora of other projects. Check out PandoraBoxx.com for a peek into her bo… okay that’s enough. By Quinn The Black Sheep: You’re a comedian, entertainer, musician – a Swiss army knife, basically – when did you start being an entertainer, and did drag go hand in hand with that? Pandora Boxx: I think that since I was a kid I’ve always been an actor… but I didn’t really know you could do drag, so when I got older and tried it I thought “oh wow this is actually really fun, and you can kind of just do anything you wanted to do.” And that’s basically how I got started, I never thought of doing it as a career until much later. TBS: So did you treat it as a career while in college, or afterwards? PB: I had been interested in doing that all my life but never on stage. I’m always cracking jokes and telling funny stories, so I was kind of doing it, but not actually calling it stand up. I also hosted drag shows, which are a lot like standup because you have to talk to the audience and interact. But I guess I didn’t realize that was what I was actually doing until I went into stand up comedy. TBS: How did you come to the name Pandora Boxx, besides the ol’ double entendre? PB: When I started I knew I had to pick a name, and I wanted to pick something fun and punny. I was in Greek mythology at the time, and I liked the story of Pandora and thought with a name like that you wouldn’t know what to expect. TBS: You’ve got The Gay (means happy) Show! and two pretty crazy music videos with chart-topping songs. What makes you want to keep branching into new things? PB: Since I was a kid I’ve always wanted to do music – you know, lip synching to Madonna songs in my room. And then I met some people through Drag Race and it started to become a reality. I just wanted to make fun music, because there really aren’t any comedy dance songs. But then you actually [make music videos] and you realize how much work goes into making everything – there’s a lot of money and a lot of time, it’s just this crazy process and I have a new found respect for any artist that does any kind of music or album. TBS: The lack of comedic dance music is definitely a good point. Was your “Nice Car, Sorry About Your Penis,” a bit before it was a song? PB: Actually it wasn’t… I met this girl Shango who did the backup vocals on the song in San Francisco. We started talking about the song idea, that I wanted something Ke$ha-sounding because I think her style would fit mine -- I’m certainly no amazing singer, and I should stick to my realm. So she came back with the song, and we went back and forth in the writing process. I just thought it was funny, and I’ve never heard a song about that, even though it’s a common thing that people talk about. TBS: And then you have the Huffington Post blog -- do you treat it as a personal blog or a platform for a voice for LGBT? PB: Well, I haven’t really been amazing with my Huffington Post blog, because I’m still trying to figure out what I want to do with it. Like, I don’t want it to just be a personal blog, I want it to mean a little more. So I’ve been using it more as a personal story, because I realized on Drag Race when I talked about myself and how I was depressed as a kid and tried to commit suicide, I realized how many people that affected and how many people still talk about it… so hopefully by saying that it can change someone’s life who might also be going through that.

the big three

entertainment-y things to keep your eye out for.

Girls Sunday, March 17th at 9pm on HBO

Just when you were really starting to understand the intricacies of Hannah's barely-decipherable mind, Season 2 of Girls is coming to an end. In the season finale, Hannah (Lena Dunham) must write her voice-of-a-generation book in a single day, Marnie (Allison Williams) totally misinterprets her ex-boyfriends intentions (just get naked already), and Ray makes a move to impress quirky Shoshanna (Zosia Mamet). Don't worry, season 3 is already in the works.

Justin Timberlake - The 20/20 Experience out march 19th

TBS: What other projects are you working on now? PB: I’m kind of at a point where I’m trying to figure out what the next thing to do is. Like do I work on another song or anything else. And one thing I’ve learned from Drag Race and being an entertainer full time, is that there’s a lot of stuff that starts but never finishes – because that’s just the nature of the business with working with people and their schedules. But I do have a short film called Ex-Confident that’s coming out, and I’m not sure if what all the screenings will be for it, but we’re going through the film festival process and seeing if they’ll pick it up. And I’m doing a new web-series for Logotv.com called Drag Center, where I recap the episodes of Drag Race. TBS: And finally, what’s your perfect sandwich? PB: Hmm, food sandwich or sexual sandwich? I’ll say sexual sandwich.

After nearly seven years and a few legit acting gigs, Justin Timberlake is back with his third solo album, featuring the so-so single "Suit & Tie." Timberlake said he began working on the album with "no rules or end goal in mind," which sounds like a pretty sweet way to make a record. Try to check him out on tour with Jay-Z this summer, because who ever would've thought a former Mickey Mouse Club member and drug dealer would share a stage.

admission in theaters march 22nd

Tina Fey and Paul Rudd star in this rom-com about Portia Nathan (Fey), a Princeton admissions officer who makes a recruiting visit to an alternative high school overseen by her former college buddy John Pressman (Paul Rudd). Upon visiting the school, Pressman suggests that one of his wacky, gifted students is her son that she gave up via a secret adoption many years ago. Will this deep, dark, quirky secret drive them together? Only time will tell. (Also, yes it will.)

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theblacksheeponline.com

bartender of the week jp whiskey dix Favorite Movie: Secret in Their Eyes Favorite Show: The “old” Two and a Half Men Favorite Book: East of Eden Favorite Drunk Munch: Jimmy John’s Favorite Beer: Stella

Dreamjob: Department of Defense

table horse

Sports are just an excuse to get hammered; you drink before the game and get plowed after to celebrate a win or ease the pain of a loss. March Madness is no different, but instead of just throwing back a few brews, practice your ball handling skills while getting a great pregame buzz.

Pet peeve: People who wave the beer in my face. Signature shot: The Blackberry Limon Drop Superpower: Mind reader Best hangover cure: A Michelada

Favorite Liquor: Don Julio

the drinking game:

Pick-up-line: “Is your dad in jail? Because he stole the stars and put them in your eyes.”

Favorite sports Team: Detroit Red Wings

recipe for disaster: swoll shake

There’s nothing meatheads love more than a protein shake before, during, and after their workouts. It’s important to stick to a strict protein regimen if you need large muscles to compensate for your below-average dick and brain. This Swoll Shake will take care of that for you, so you have more time to focus on your squat form.

What You’ll Need: A plastic cup, a table, a ping pong ball and beer. Number of Players: Between 2 and 4. Level of Intoxication: A legit pregame buzz unless you have no game, then you’ll be wasted.

What You’ll Need: An 8 oz. steak, 4 oz. of salmon, 2 oz. of tuna, 4 oz. of turkey, 4 eggs, 1/2 cup of cottage cheese, ice, half a gallon of milk, 1 cup of peanut butter and a kick-ass blender. Cook Time: 15 minutes. Fatty Factor: No fat, bro. Just muscle.

How To Play: - Set the cup in the middle of the table. - Have a shoot-out to pick the order. - The winner of the shoot-out starts the game by shooting into the cup any way he or she wants. - Be creative with your shots—bounce them in, shoot them behind the back. If the first player misses their shot, they have to take a drink of their beer. - Once a player makes the cup, each player will have to match their shot. - Every player that misses while trying to mimic the shot receives a letter (H-O-RS-E) and will have to chug for ten seconds. - After everyone tries to mimic the shot, the person next in line creates their own shot and play continues. The player that gets HORSE first has to beer bong a beer.

Let’s Get Baked: - Chop up the steak, salmon and turkey into little pieces. - Cook each item separately to the desired level of doneness. - Beat the four eggs and cook them in a pan. - Mix all of the ingredients and then throw them in the blender with the ice. - Blend the items up until the drink is smooth. If the mixture is too thick add extra milk. - Pour you Swoll Shake into your favorite workout bottle and hit the gym.

The Game Ends When: Once a player gets HORSE. Then start it up again!

Don’t be turned off by the smell… or the taste for that matter. Just man up and drink it down.

download our app for all of our drinking games!

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six degrees

of separation think you know how aaron paul and brad pitt are connected?

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m o c . e n i l n O p e e h S k c a l B e GAMES G Th IN K IN R PECIALS | D | BAR S ARTICLES

play st. patty's day bingo! Nudity

Green Beer

Someone Crying

A Paddy Wagon

Drunk Old Man

Someone Asleep

Striped Socks

A Cop

A Beer bong

Greenman

Green Eggs or ham

A Fight

Leprechaun Hat

A Wipeout

Dropkick Murphys Shirt

This Sign

A Makeout

Outdoor Peeing

A Bags Game

Puke

A Drinking ticket

A Drunk asian

Marijuana paraphernalia

Indoor Sunglasses

the crossword: Things that are green Across 2) St. Patty’s Day mascot. 5) Spanish for green (salsa). 6) Snooki loves to drink its juice. 8) The winner of this gets a green jacket. 9) No matter how many times you cut it, it always grows back. 12) An edible, mini tree. 14) Guacamole, essentially. 17) Normally paired with spinach and pita bread. 19) A minty McDonald’s shake. 20) Jim Henson’s

most famous creation. Down 1) Mad Christmas H8R. 2) She put this in the coconut, and drank them both up. 3) Not to be confused with a crocodile. 4) Ganja, baby. 7) The capital city in the Land of Oz. 10) Luke’s teacher, he was. 11) He can blow a bubble with his bum bum bum. 13) Prickly son of a bitch. 15) They are black, too. 16) Delicious when drizzled with ranch. 18) This city dyes their river green.

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Disclaimer The Black Sheep in no way promotes, encourages or supports binge drinking, and/or under-age drinking. This newspaper is designed for entertainment purposes only and does not recommend attempting anything printed in this publication. Please drink...responsibly and legally.

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