Tennessee - Issue 11 - 11/7/2013

The Black Sheep

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Vol. 3, Issue 11

The College Newspaper That's Actually About College

11/7/13 - 11/13/13

Where Are They Now? The Stephen A. Burroughs Story BY: Austin McLaurine Skyrocketing into Knoxville stardom two years ago after his billboard ads garnered local attention, car crash attorney Stephen A. Burroughs has seemingly dropped off the map. Even after reaching an all time peak with his popular Swagfest event, Mr. Burroughs is nowhere to be found.

Numerous rumors about his whereabouts have been stated, but none have been correct, or at least verified. At The Black Sheep, we have taken it upon ourselves to clear the air, and after some intensive investigating we believe to have found the definitive story. You might be surprised, or even shocked, by these 100% totally true facts, so buckle up.

After enjoying his local fame for a semester or so, Mr. Burroughs knew it wouldn’t last. Handing out t-shirts with his face on them could only take him so far, though he does, admittedly, have very chiseled features and a rugged beard.

But he wasn’t satisfied with the glory he received, and devised a plan to achieve eternal greatness.

The only way he could do this, of course, was by becoming the largest drug kingpin in East Tennessee. After extensively reading the “Drugs” article on Wikipedia and watching the pilot episode of Breaking Bad, Mr. Burroughs began his long climb to the top. He developed a prod-

uct new to everyone in the market… it was mostly just beard clippings and Dial soap, but he always claimed his beard had magical properties (and just enjoys the taste of Dial soap). None of his clientele believed this, however, and after much outrage from users and a certain drug lord that goes by the name of Cheeksenberg (we have no clues to the identity of said drug lord), Burroughs realized the drug trade wasn’t for him.

Stephen A. took a long hard look at himself in the mirror on the ceiling above his bed. What could he do? What should his next move be? Then he saw it in his mirror, his destiny was looking right back at him through the shape of a bedazzled skull with angel wings.

That next day Burroughs bought up large quantities of Ed Hardy stock. His friends and loved ones urged him to not do so.

They claimed it would change him into something they couldn’t stand to be with.

Burroughs proceeded to do so anyway and accrued a vast amount of sequined t-shirts.

Burroughs became so obsessed with Ed Hardy he eventually emptied his top secret billboard-fund and bought out the company. Upon becoming CEO, his family gave him an ultimatum: resign or leave

the family. Powered by his prominent beard, Burroughs promptly left his home and moved to South America to live out his life as CEO of Ed Hardy.

Things get a little fuzzy here and we had some trouble separating the fact from fiction. Nobody has heard directly from him since he left the country. Rumors whispered in the wind say that Burroughs had started his own cult and was conducting

mass ceremonies with his followers. Who they worship is a mystery, but we have a hunch they hold men with beards in high regard, such as Abraham Lincoln and Billy Mays. Burroughs still retains CEO status but has managed to route his finances into an undisclosed bank account, which he probably uses to fund his insatiable need for hair care products.

Occasionally, someone will be spot-

ted leaving a pile of Ed Hardy shirts in Presidential Court, possibly as a token of admiration or a sign that he will return.

Even weirder, students have reported that late at night sometimes they will hear whisperings of something that sounds like “Swagfest.” True to form, Stephen A. Burroughs will surely make a triumphant return, first appearing on our billboards, and then appearing in our hearts and dreams.

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page 13

The Quest for Top 25

Top 10: Lost and Founds at the bar

Marcus Mumford Pursing Dream Job

Your drunken weekends are now the school’s #1 priority.

Ever wonder what happened to that tube of lipstick you left at Whiskey Dix?

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owner Atish Doshi

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Founders Atish Doshi, Brendan Bonham, Heather-Jo Erickson, Jimmy DeBlasio, Jessica Sommers, Quinn Myers

Writers Mary Moss, Katie Vaughn Birdii Haumschild, Austin McLaurine Distribution manager Kelley Rieder Social media manager James Ballard

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Freddie Freshman WHAT YOU SHOULD REALLY BE DOING DURING FINALS WEEK

Freddie recalled the fond memories of daydreaming while Mrs. Freshman and Freddie’s little sister, Pre, could still have his Introduction to Philosophy professor spouted off about some happiness in their lives. Loan sharks began to call Mrs. Friedrich Nietzsche being a total bro. It was in that very lecFreshman day and night, heckling her until she broke down ture hall, the one that smelled of Cool Ranch Doritos and and told the tragic tale of her son becoming a victim of a mediocrity, where Freddie Freshman naively fell into the pyramid scheme. Soon enough Freddie’s mother turned to pyramidTBS scheme that would destroy THIS the very life he was atthe juice to comfort her pain, opening every liter of bottomSTaFF WroTe tempting to create. shelf merlot with her $50 Cutblow corkscrew. up on all those amazing shows they keep

is the perfect time to catch He regretted “http://madwork4studentz.com” Freddie began attending his professors’ office hours in talking about like breaking bad, madever menentering and game of thrones. Or, his up web browser, previously full of happy hopes of delivering a quick sales pitch. He had done everyyou could just choose tointo catch with the Kardashians.

Should you porn and times.you Theya made seem so real, so lucrathing perfectly—he cut a penny in half beautifully, he sawed choose to go this route,happy we’ll send nooseeverything free of charge, you tive. “Earn a promotion every five days! Trust us—you’ll be straight through a soda can with finesse, he pretended to know what to do. super rich and awesome! Future companies will throw their slice his hand open to show how wonderfully safe Cutblow you when they see you have experience knives are for children—but then something went horribly Or, if you’re looking farsnatches enoughatahead (remember, past finals) you working Sucktor Marketing!

Yousummer know, your wrong. He was halfway through his knife juggling routine could coax yourself intowith the gym to work on your bod.resume?

Not The one that’s going suck forever super-awesome if you don’t work for when the 9-1/2” Polynesian Chef model pierced into his right everyone had the opportunity to gotosomewhere forus? Do it.” eye. His family became so desperate upon the arrival of Fredspring break, and many of those who lost out on the opportunity will Before Freddie to feel ortells what think, he was die’s hospital bills that Mr. Freshman turned street walking go on a nice vacation following finals. knew Sincehow our society us to that over last hard-earned $1,100set in cafeteria cash into family night. it’s just not right for youforking to go to thehis beach without a proper of to the womanhead with to a mustache only

abs or flat stomach bared proudly, the gym he and doknew someas “Convincing out Knifethe Lady. ” Convincing Knifeswim…

Lady talked fast and with Freddie’s professors had been threatening him for months: cardio, work on abs, check opposite sex, and and by a bit a lisp, pressuring Freddie. “Time’s running out,” she’d Either stop soliciting innocent classmates and TAs or fail the “swim” we mean “tan by theofpool.“ tell him, “and you’re going to want to buy your knife kit beclass. The lengthy hospital stay put him even further behind, we hire“Man, someone elseneed to take hundreds and he was forced to withdraw from the university. Last And if you’re thinking tofore yourself, I really to the start study- of promotions and paychecks to up givewith you depending week we met up with Freddie to find out where he plans to ing,” stop. Have you forgotten you also we’re needprepared to catch on your upfront capital investments.

Freddie figured that go from here. Working at a Taco Bell Express that’s attached friends? How many times did you blow off your friends” because Convincing Lady had be a This goodissource to a Kentucky Fried Chicken and a Pizza Hut, Freddie told us you had to do schoolwork instead?Knife Is it more thantozero? your for advice onyour life choices, sheonwas obviously well iminto her forties between bites of Double Downs and cheeseburger pizza chance to reconnect with friends since and go some awesome and up on the Sucktor Marketing hiring only the you that do, all his affectionately him “Left Eye.” While promptu adventures. Go onhigh a safari through the shady sideladder, of KnoxWhatever it’scoworkers more important than call studying.

Especially if it best andthe brightest college such an expensive of becoming the greatest college degree ville, or have a “who can take longest nap”students contest to insell Hodges. starts with Freddie’s “chicken”dream and ends with “carbonara” product. adventure to a faraway land where earning puppet master there ever was has faded, he remains Either way, it’ll be a whimsical

hopeful and plans tocan take this you opportunity closer to finals don’t exist and there’s nary a care in the world, besides gang Listen, these life experiences teach as muchto -- get nary, more!— Soon things took a turn for the worse when Freddie than learned god. violence and night terrors. any classroom setting can. If you and Leslie hadn’t gotten he could only sell to people he knew. His family took out a and made out at that party, how would you have learned shitfaced to eat buy good Freddie’s knives.

“Oh god, about here hesexism “I’minreally thinking aboutDidn’t getting into Scientology.

Those Or pamper yourself by second taking mortgage the time to food, because modern America? that twelve-hour nap teach comes trying to sellBell us some goddamn every knives again, guys seem to have a rhythm? good thing ” he stated, makyour poor body has been living on Taco and Cook-Out you” ahis lot about your circadian Orgoin’ whaton, about the cooking, friends thought Freddie showed up. Mr.who Freshus question lifeaschoices, while wondering drunken night. Reward yourself with an every actualtime meal.

You don’t cook? needsing a degree wheneven youour canown work a fry guy at McDonalds? began prostituting himself on theplz streets a com-studying, where there’s Freddie aFreshman will find himself in thisfor crazy pyraWell, learn. Go on the man internet and type in “food recipe, lol,” likeScrew whole new world out there you right just to the afford food toisput on the tablenow! so that mid scheme we call life.

Google may not get themon lasthoodrat half of it, but first part a shoe-in.

Gets Caught Up in a

April is almost over, which means the end of spring semester is nigh.

But, before that glorious day, students must get past one last hurdle: final exams. Now why in the world would anyone want to read an article about finals? Well, this isn’t really an article about finals at all; in fact, it’s very much about avoiding anything to do with finals at all costs. Seems right up your alley.

By: Bob Rodriguez

Pyramid Scheme

Since you’re not going to be productive – again, you’re not studying for finals-- you have to find a way to pass the time. Hell, you’ve procrastinated your way through every semester up until now and you’ve done just fine…kind of. Remember, your parents don’t want you to succumb to peer pressure, and just because everyone is doing it, (studying) that doesn’t mean you have to do it too.

Classes are over, which means you need to get your ass to a party, pronto. You’ve made it a whole semester filled with studying, stupid group projects and essays galore, and now it’s time to treat yourself with a party full of beer, music, dancing and denying you still have responsibilities. And think about how awesome everything is going to be: Volapalooza and Fort Sanders Fest will be this weekend, and even if you think Volapalooza will be lame, what with Tyga’s “Rack City” failing to dump those tens and twenties on your titties, think of all the amazing after parties that you could crash. Between classes and finals all signs point to partying.

If you aren’t a partier there are plenty things for you to do as well, so you don’t skip straight to studying just because you don’t think we can talk you into doing something that’s both fun and alcohol-free; we made a deal, no studying, dammit. For instance, you could catch up on a lot of TV. You know those mutant friends who are somehow able to keep up with all their schoolwork while spending hours upon hours keeping up with all their shows. We know they suck, but now

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The

Top

Ten

Lost and Founds at the Bars By: UTK staff

Ever lost more than your dignity while out getting your groove on? All the shit left behind in bars could supply the homeless with enough mismatched outfits and alternate identities to take over the Fort, but thankfully the bars don’t give your everything away so easily. After surveying the local bartenders, we have compiled a list of the top 10 items left behind after a crazy night.

10.) Earring: Yes, just one. The universe doesn’t allow things to be lost proportionally, so you’re always left with a lone earring. Usually the smaller ones get lost in the sticky floors covered in jizz and well pitchers. Our advice: wear cheap jewelry out.

9.) Shoe: We’ve all seen more than a few super drunk girls try to hobble back to Laurel with one pump on. Where do you think the other one is? Back at the bars, of course, where one violent twerk session too many causes shoe loss on a major scale.

The Quest for Top 25 By: UTk staff Breaking News: Chancellor Jimmy Cheek has recently made known that he will be changing the University of Tennessee’s goal of becoming a Top 25 Public Research School. It seems that, after receiving the news that we have not improved our standings after three years of this campaign, and in fact have slid from #46 to #47, Chancellor Cheek has given up and decided to switch from this unrealistic goal to one he knows this university can achieve. Cheek has announced that we will now be competing for top 25 status in a new category: party schools.

As such, the university has had to tweak their goals a little bit concerning our “Pursuit of the Top 25.”

Here are the amended priorities now in place to achieve this nationally acclaimed standing as a Top 25 Party School (the previous ones can still be seen on the university’s website, but these are out of date according Cheek’s recent decision): Undergraduates: Recruit a diverse body of wine drinkers, whiskey drinkers, beer drinkers, and even tequila drinkers and offer “liquorships” to legendary high school partiers. Retain these fine students for more than four years, as their hopes and dreams crumble into sheer alcoholism.

Grad Education: Increase the number of drunken graduate students on any given weeknight and weekend. They need to be boozing even more than undergrads, as they are the ones upholding our old values, and make this a “research university” in the first place.

Faculty and Staff: Attract and retain stellar faculty and staff that can not only get down and dirty on their days off, but can incorporate “better party strategies” into every aspect of learning, from English composition to thermodynamics. For example, a class on statistics should teach the positive correlation of alcohol and sex, which will in turn help UT

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8.) Jacket: Sippin’ that sizzy gets you heated faster than you think, causing you to shed your layers.

Oftentimes there’s a whole new closet for the bartenders to choose from at every bar on The Strip, with clothes ranging from slutty to… well, just slutty, mostly.

7.) Unwanted numbers: Every time you go out you suavely write your number on a napkin for many a girl who is obviously in love with you, but somehow, you never get any calls. That’s not because they’re not interested, they’ve just lost your number somewhere in the throng… just kidding, they weren’t interested. Hopeful number-scrawled napkins are strewn around the bar floors by thirsty bitches — but thirsty for free drinks, not boyfriends.

rank in the Top 25 Party Schools across the nation.

Research: Strengthen drinking capacity and party productivity in students. In the classroom, and around campus, our research should primarily revolve around hangovers and how to prevent them.

Facilities: Continually improve the resource base to include many bathrooms to recover from hangovers in, water fountains that replenish students with Franzia throughout the school day, and a “disco ball, strobe lights and party music” switch in every classroom.

Why would Cheek decide to change his vision of the university, you may ask? Other than his impatience to gain prestige in any aspect of the collegiate rankings, we believe that he recently took a really, really good rip off a bong.

And with these new goals being implemented, we can expect to see immediate results, unlike in “that stupid U.S. News dumbass list thingamajiggy*” where we have only seen stagnation or a decrease in past years. C’mon, we were on the Princeton Review’s list of party schools the past 9 of 11 years, and the Playboy party school list in 2011 and 2006. Surely we can party hardy-ier than those shmucks in 2006. What were they celebrating in 2006? Bush still being president?

With these new priorities, Cheek and the administration are sure that we can easily continue climbing the charts of party-hood, gaining us prestige and recognition in no time. The administration also believes that having the title of “Top Party School” is much more attractive to incoming students than “Top Public Research School.” Overall, it’s a win-win situation. *direct quote from Chancellor Cheek.

6.) Inhaler: All that heavy petting in the dark lit booths can lead to heavy breathing and spiked energy, causing you to need your quick puff. Too bad you lost it while singing a passionately violent karaoke version of “Wagon Wheel.”

5.) Leftover drugs: Your loss is somebody else’s gain in wild hallucinations and stoned trips to CookOut. 4.) Condoms: Bartenders can choose from Durex to Trojan in a multitude of forms for their own nightly pleasures at no cost to themselves, thanks to the optimistic preparedness of horny college boys everywhere. If you realize you left a used condom at the bar however, we have a few questions for you…

3.) Wallet: Entire lives are left behind every night at the bars. The bar owners run underground trades on unclaimed wallets and bags after 30 days, so next time you see some bitch with a Kate Spade bag that looks suspiciously like the one you left on the stage at Rumorz, it probably is. And don’t be surprised if she’s using your license as a fake…

2.) ID: So many identities, so little retrieved. Every other statement about where people get fakes at UT is false – there is only one truth: the bartenders’ underground trade system. Don’t fret about your stolen identity, though, as it supports the greater cause of not letting underage kids go unbuzzed.

1.) Phone: Lose your phone, lose your friends, lose yourself. Solution: Buy a shitty GoPhone that you designate strictly as your “going-out phone,” full of booty-call contacts and the number to the Late Night T or taxi services. You’ll thank us one day.

Around campus Send us your party pics to pics@theblacksheeponline.com

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47 Ronin

Release Date: November 22nd Synopsis: Down ‘n out Blue Collar Jones finds out he has 533 children as a result of a sperm donation mishap.

By the Trailer: First, let us clear the air; Vince Vaughn does not mistakenly have sex with one of his daughters, just in case that’s what you were looking to get out of this movie.

Nope, he decides what better way to give purpose to his purpose-less life than playing “guardian angel” to the 533 kids that he once ejaculated into a cup. Will he stop being such a down-and-out loser and find true love? Will he marry one or all of the mothers who thrust a turkey baster full of his baby batter into their v-holes? Will the kids all have perfectly solvable problems and not be addicted to sex or beat to death by their meth-addicted, sperm-donation-accepting mothers? Probably, because this is a shitty cookie-cutter Vince Vaughn fish-out-of-water movie. If Owen Wilson doesn’t make an appearance we’ll be shocked.

Truer Title: Vince Vaughn Needs Money: Quips! Quips Galore!

Release Date: November 15 Synopsis: After a vision of his dead mother sends Charlie to Bucharest, a death on the flight leads him to fall in love with a woman.

By the Trailer: This is a little awkward, but the guy you’re sitting next to on this plane is kind of dead, and not to be too much trouble, but you’re going to have to tell his daughter that he died. No worries though, Charlie, because you’ll fall in love with her during one of the darkest periods of her life, but some worries, bro, because she’s unhappily married to a Romanian gangster and he will just…like, unceremoniously beat the shit out of you if you don’t stay away from her. But dude it’s also like, you’re in love, so keep getting punched in the face, or something. I don’t know, do whatever you want, it seems like you’re not great at making decisions; you keep letting dead people make them for you, which seems like a not-too-great plan to begin with.

Truer Title: Death and Punching: A Love Story

Release Date: November 27th Synopsis: A former DEA agent moves his family to a quiet town, where he soon tangles with a local meth druglord.

By the Trailer: Oye! It’s me, somehowEnglish DEA agent with a recently-dead wife Jason Statham here to tell you country yokels that them back country meth-smokin’ ways aren’t gonna intimidate me and my daughter who knows karate, because Jesus Christ, have you seen one of my movies before? No siree, Mr. kingpin James “Gator” Franco, I’m not one’a them pencil-pushin’ DEA wimps, I’m here with my shotgun and bad badass karate kicks to get all y’all in line. See, that’s what high-power hardasses like me do, we deal with our emotional issues by moving to some back-country shittown to silently brood until something sets us off; counseling is for wussies.

Truer Title: Stereotypes, Guvnah!

Release Date: November 27th Synopsis: Guy gets held captive for twenty years, watches TV, is released, [insert the plot of Taken].

By the Trailer: Joseph Doucett wakes up in a tiny, inconspicuous bedroom and remains there for twenty years… but he doesn’t know why. He may or may not have killed his wife, but judging by how angry he is and because it’s a movie, he probably didn’t. Over the next twenty years he watches a bunch of TV, does some chin-ups, punches the wall a few times, and just gets really really mad about being locked up for so long without reason. Then whoever locked him up lets him out to go find his daughter (who is also being held captive now?), so of course he goes on a CrAzY killing spree. Then he finds his daughter and has sex with her. Just kidding! Or are we?! We are...? But he does have sex with someone!

Truer Title: Taken 3: This Time the Dad Gets Taken

Release Date: December 25th Synopsis: Walter Mitty lives his life through daydreams until his job is threatened, sending him on an adventure worthy of the big screen.

By the Trailer: Dude, your life kind of sucks. Your job in publishing is coming to an end, your boss is a dick, the girl you like doesn’t even notice you, and even your family thinks you’re a total weirdo.

Thank god weirdos do weird things, though, because wow, you’re about to take part in a chain of events that is, like, totally in character for a mild-mannered guy like you. You know what Langston Hughes said, “Life is for the living. Death is for the dead. Let’s just do some completely implausible shit because the girl we like doesn’t like us back.”

Truer Title: Unaffordable Adventure

Release Date: December 25th Synopsis: KEANU REEVES IS A PIRATE/ NINJA/JEDI HOLY FUCK. By the Trailer: One “half breed” man is banished and sold into slavery. Then, the people who enslave him look to enslave more people, Keanu’s people. Keanu is the only one (we’re tapping our finger to our nose here, folks) who can prevent this from happening. Ipso facto the side he is fighting on only has an army of 47 and the army he’s fighting against is, like infinite soldiers who are different from his ragtag group of guys. Nope, those guys on the other side don’t have families at home or anything, feel nothing for them. Add in a metric dick-ton of special effects, and this movie is going to have us forgetting about Santa and all his slaves in favor of this Asian-ified super Matrix. Also, dragons. Also also, lightsaber Samurai swords.

Truer Title: KEANU REEVES IS A PIRATE/NINJA/JEDI HOLY CRAP.

Bartender of the Week Relationship Status: Single Major: Hotel/restaurant and tourism management Favorite Drink: Grateful dead Favorite Shot: Baby Guinness Disgusting Drink: Gin Who’s the sexiest comic book character?: Storm from X-Men. What is the silliest thing you’ve cried about?: Grey’s Anatomy.

What is the last thing you’ve cooked or baked in an oven?: Roasted pumpkin seeds.

What do you think to yourself when you see a person with a flip cell phone?: I didn’t know they still made those.

Would you rather have a hornless unicorn, or a horse with a horn?: Horse with a horn.

Stephen

of

The Outlook

Recipe for disaster

Drinking Game Rule Time

Baconeggs

To be king for the day! To rule the world! To laugh at those under you and to crush your enemy with malice and vigor! Alas, you’re but another faceless drone in this wide, wacky world. Better play a game that makes you the boss. That’ll getcha’ your fix.

“But I don’t want to get up!” your brain cries as your alarm goes off at an unheard of 11:15a.m. It’s like, why even go to class if you’re not going to be well-rested? Ah, but with this all-in-one breakfast bonanza, you’ll replace sullen dread with abject resignation! Huzzah!

What You’ll Need: Beer, plebeians, a deck of cards.

Number of Players: As many as you can fetch from your vast kingdom, but we suggest starting with three.

Intoxication Level: You’re not the boss of me!

How to Play: -All players sit around a table, one person is anointed the dealer.

-Each person is dealt one card, face up.

-The player with the low card for the round drinks one drink.

-If two players are dealt the same card, each one drinks.

-Kings are community cards, everyone drinks.

-Aces are rule cards. A player dealt an ace makes a rule that is in effect until the deck runs out.

-Rules are cumulative within the game, so by the end of a game, there should be four rules in place, for the four aces.

-The dealer deals cards through the entire deck. After the cards run out, the deck is passed to the right and the rules are abolished.

The Game Ends When: Those you’ve ground under your foot rise up to topple tyranny. Let freedom reign!

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12

Why should people read The Black Sheep?: To get a better understanding if what’s going on.

What You’ll Need: Eggs, cheese, bacon bits.

Cooking Time: 10 minutes, 8 if your professor counts tardies.

Fatty Factor: Guys, it’s protein, not calories, okay?

Let’s Get Baked: -Turn a burner on medium-high.

-Crack 3 eggs into a bowl. Whisk them until they’re fully mixed.

-Place a skillet on the burner, plop the eggs into the skillet.

-Use a spatula to continuously move the eggy goodness around the skillet.

-One the eggs start to coagulate, stir for, like twenty more seconds, but don’t let them get too hard.

-Remove from heat, add 1.3 cup of bacon bits and as much cheese as you can handle.

-Fold the cheese and bacon bits into the still-runny eggs as the residual heat from the pan finishes the cooking process.

-Season with salt and pepper.

Holy shit, eggs are awesome.

nomnomnomnom theblacksheeponline.com

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One Month After Band’s Breakup,

Marcus Mumford Pursuing Lifelong Dream of Working in Construction By: benny boy As Marcus Mumford’s shovel plunges into the dirt, which will soon support a brand new Long John Silver’s in Santa Fe, California, he lets out a satisfied sigh and realizes that he has finally made it. However, the fruits of success were not easily attained for young Marcus Mumford. Born into a wealthy upbringing by John and Eleanor Mumford, both national leaders of the Vineyard Church of UK and Ireland, Marcus grew up believing that he would never install drywall and plumbing at the professional level.

“In the world I grew up in, there simply wasn’t any feasible avenues for a young boy to pursue his passion for bricklaying, roofing, or really any unionized tradesman position,” Mumford said in an interview with Rolling

Stone “Like many of the wealthy and disenchanted undergraduates of King’s College School in Wimbledon, I was forced into a career in melancholic folk-rock by societal and cultural forces beyond my control.”

The dream of one day manning his very own backfill tamper or portable grinder on a highway construction site did not leave Mumford’s thoughts as he met future bandmate Ben Lovett at the University of Edinburgh. The two quickly bonded over their mutual interest in water main instillation and backfilling, and fondly remember their many nights spent working on their buffer and silicon carbide wheels when they were supposed to be rehearsing for open mic nights. “We were young and had our whole lives ahead of us. How

could they expect us to write and record acoustic ballads of longing when there were other guys our age performing radon mitigations and foundation repairs?”

Dreams of one day joining his boyhood heroes in Building Construction Workers Industrial Union 330 seemed even more distant when Mumford’s debut album Sigh No More became a bestseller, making Mumford and Lovett’s new band Mumford & Sons an international sensation.

“They day I found out that Sigh No More hit number 2 on the Billboard 200 was the day I gave up all hope. I cried. I told myself that a real construction worker never cries, not even when an AWWA C-900 PVC pipe falls on his foot, but the feeling that my life was in a downward spiral was overbearing.”

The next three years were the most difficult for Marcus. Increased radio airplay of Sigh No More as well as headlining spots in some of the largest festivals in North America and Europe drove him further away from his dreams of one day owning and operating his own industrial sump pump. “We were playing shows every night, had more women, money and drugs than we knew what to do with, and, to put the icing on the cake, were being called one of the most popular and influential folk-rock artists of our generation. What a slap to the face.”

Mumford’s depression led to a violent cycle of alcoholism and anti-depressants. When the band’s sophomore album Babel received a Grammy award for record of the year, Mumford locked himself in his hotel room with a case of whiskey

and his favorite belt sander. “It was a dark period. When Babel became so successful the only thing I could depend on was the liquor. Not even Rusty, my prized soldering iron made me happy anymore.

My passion for carpentry and instillation, which had nearly gotten me through the difficult period after Sigh No More, was gone.”

It was in September of this year, as bandmate and longtime backhoe loader Ben Lovett said to Rolling Stone, that the time for an intervention had come. “During our spring and summer tour, I noticed that Marcus was beginning to accept his life as a Grammy Awardwinning musician and songwriter.

That was when I told him that in twenty years, if he was still playing stadium after stadium of young, screaming fans, coming over to my

hotel room to rehearse new songs, I would kill him. He was sitting on a winning lottery ticket, but was too much of a pussy to cash it in. Which is bullshit, because I’d do anything to have what he had. I’m gonna be a famous musician until the day I die, and I can accept that. But what I couldn’t accept was Marcus wasting his talent for septic tank instillation and repair as a world-class artist. He didn’t owe it to himself, he owed it to me.”

Marcus took Lovett’s words to heart, and in late September of this year Mumford & Sons disbanded. If you wish to see Marcus Mumford nowadays, just drive down I-80 in the summer time, he will be there operating a Bosch 11335K 35-Pound 1-1/8-Inch Jack Hammer with a smile across his face.

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