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• a college newspaper that’s actually about college •
Volume 1, Issue 2 9/13/12 - 9/19/12
theblacksheeponline.com @blacksheepUTK
UTK Campus: An Obstacle Course emily hagenburger wrote this
Monday morning and it’s time for class. You’ve already hit snooze more times than you should have and you’re rushing against the clock to get ready in time. You throw on some clothes, grab a granola bar, your backpack, and are out the door. You have 15 minutes to get from The Fort to your first class in the McClung Museum. So begins the “Mad Dash to Class,” a university-wide ritual. It’s not a yearly, bi-yearly, or monthly race, it’s a daily struggle. Your first challenge in the daily trek comes in the form of the six flights of steps that lead from your apartment to the ground. This event requires not only swift leg movements but also precise placement of your feet so as to not fall down those six flights of stairs. That’s a setback that would result in a five-point deduction from your overall score in today’s mad dash. Having safely made it through the first event in a record-breaking 55 seconds, you begin the power-walking portion of the race. Though some may mock the importance of this “sport,” powerwalking skills are crucial as a college student on a campus where getting from Walters Life Sciences to Art and Architecture in 10 minutes is an Olympian feat in and of itself. Full-out running makes the average college student look like a fool, with a backpack bouncing and Chacos slapping on the concrete. On the other hand, if you walk at a leisurely pace you may miss a pop quiz in your Anthro class. Therefore, you employ the happy medium known to the world as power-walking. But wait! There are obstacles hindering your clear path to class. That one really talkative friend is seen approaching straight ahead. You know that if she sees you she will want to discuss Friday night’s Frat Row party-jumping in full detail. There is no time to spare for that, so you quickly deploy the “Avoid Eye Contact” method.
day they’ll take clicker points, the bastards.
You’re patting yourself on the back for successfully dodging what would have been a five-minute delay when an even bigger threat is spotted: That guy you hooked up with behind Clement Hall sophomore year is coming around the bend. Quick! You crouch behind some bushes and wait for him to pass. Bonus points for the dodge, but a penalty is leveled towards you for the humiliation of throwing yourself into a shrubbery. You now only have six minutes to reach your lecture, and you just know today is the
You’re nearing the end, but another hindrance is creating a barricade between yourself and your goal. All that blasted construction has created crossing points in the road-- like coming down from the library and up towards the Hill—that are tyrannically watched over by those policemen whose only job seems to be to blow loud whistles at you every time you take one tiny step from the sidewalk. You surely don’t have time to listen to their nonsense! Even though the crosswalk guard is clearly signaling
The untold horror of the girl’s bathroom it’s not all unicorns and roses, people.
page 4
what’s inside
you to stay on the sidewalk, you make a run for it and get by safely. Hey, jaywalking citations are like, $80. That shit’s no joke. Finally, finally you reach the Torchbearer in Circle Park and know you’re only a few minutes from being home free. You sneak into the classroom and sink into an empty seat. You’re three minutes late, and sweating from your obstacle race course through campus, but you made it through mostly unscathed. Good news is, they didn’t take clicker points. But there is a pop quiz. Those bastards.
Confessions of a Campus House Pet
Bartender of the Week
page 7
page 12
So this is why they poop on your carpet.
Jennifer from Ooga Mooga’s tiki tavern wants free beer for everyone!