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• a college newspaper that’s actually about college •
Volume 1, Issue 2 9/13/12 - 9/19/12
theblacksheeponline.com @blacksheepUTK
UTK Campus: An Obstacle Course emily hagenburger wrote this
Monday morning and it’s time for class. You’ve already hit snooze more times than you should have and you’re rushing against the clock to get ready in time. You throw on some clothes, grab a granola bar, your backpack, and are out the door. You have 15 minutes to get from The Fort to your first class in the McClung Museum. So begins the “Mad Dash to Class,” a university-wide ritual. It’s not a yearly, bi-yearly, or monthly race, it’s a daily struggle. Your first challenge in the daily trek comes in the form of the six flights of steps that lead from your apartment to the ground. This event requires not only swift leg movements but also precise placement of your feet so as to not fall down those six flights of stairs. That’s a setback that would result in a five-point deduction from your overall score in today’s mad dash. Having safely made it through the first event in a record-breaking 55 seconds, you begin the power-walking portion of the race. Though some may mock the importance of this “sport,” powerwalking skills are crucial as a college student on a campus where getting from Walters Life Sciences to Art and Architecture in 10 minutes is an Olympian feat in and of itself. Full-out running makes the average college student look like a fool, with a backpack bouncing and Chacos slapping on the concrete. On the other hand, if you walk at a leisurely pace you may miss a pop quiz in your Anthro class. Therefore, you employ the happy medium known to the world as power-walking. But wait! There are obstacles hindering your clear path to class. That one really talkative friend is seen approaching straight ahead. You know that if she sees you she will want to discuss Friday night’s Frat Row party-jumping in full detail. There is no time to spare for that, so you quickly deploy the “Avoid Eye Contact” method.
day they’ll take clicker points, the bastards.
You’re patting yourself on the back for successfully dodging what would have been a five-minute delay when an even bigger threat is spotted: That guy you hooked up with behind Clement Hall sophomore year is coming around the bend. Quick! You crouch behind some bushes and wait for him to pass. Bonus points for the dodge, but a penalty is leveled towards you for the humiliation of throwing yourself into a shrubbery. You now only have six minutes to reach your lecture, and you just know today is the
You’re nearing the end, but another hindrance is creating a barricade between yourself and your goal. All that blasted construction has created crossing points in the road-- like coming down from the library and up towards the Hill—that are tyrannically watched over by those policemen whose only job seems to be to blow loud whistles at you every time you take one tiny step from the sidewalk. You surely don’t have time to listen to their nonsense! Even though the crosswalk guard is clearly signaling
The untold horror of the girl’s bathroom it’s not all unicorns and roses, people.
page 4
what’s inside
you to stay on the sidewalk, you make a run for it and get by safely. Hey, jaywalking citations are like, $80. That shit’s no joke. Finally, finally you reach the Torchbearer in Circle Park and know you’re only a few minutes from being home free. You sneak into the classroom and sink into an empty seat. You’re three minutes late, and sweating from your obstacle race course through campus, but you made it through mostly unscathed. Good news is, they didn’t take clicker points. But there is a pop quiz. Those bastards.
Confessions of a Campus House Pet
Bartender of the Week
page 7
page 12
So this is why they poop on your carpet.
Jennifer from Ooga Mooga’s tiki tavern wants free beer for everyone!
contents page 5: from the streets
Questions? Comments? Compliments? Insults? info@theblacksheeponline.com
page 6
What did you feel is the architectural significance of the newest addition to the university of tennessee sorority is, is?
page 6: Sex & The U
Table of
ye olde advice from the middle ages.
page 7: Top Ten: Best Things to Steal From parties
CDs, man, they’re going to be worth something someday.
page 11: the black sheep interviews
Noelle Scaggs from Fitz & The Tantrums.
page 13: Five People You Meet in College and hate instantly hey, you can’t help who you love.
page 11
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page three d a o l n w o D heep Mobile App S k c a l B e h T ! e e r f y l e m o s e w a o s it’s
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droid n A d n a e hon P i r o f mobile e l p b e e a l h i s a v k A blac search
Sexy Anagrams
Taking beer goggles to the next level... (Want to be humiliated next week? Awesome.)
Send us your pic of the week at pics@theblacksheeponline.com
A Safari Grove
Do you know who these hotties are? Send your answers to anagrams@theblacksheeponline.com First five right answers get a prize!
Each Honk Trust last week’s answers
Amber Heard & Taylor Kitsch
word of the week Spinsturd:
A piece of poop that wraps all the way around the bowl of a toilet. “Hey Jeff, come look at this spinsturd I dropped after eating all that cheese!”
page 4
theblacksheeponline.com
An Inside Look At: The Untold Horror of the Girl’s Bathroom Zoë Kremke wrote this
The sun shines, and slowly but surely you get out of bed. Half asleep, you shuffle down the hall in your fluffy slippers and mindlessly feel your way into a stall of your floor’s community bathroom. Suddenly, out of the corner of your eye you spot a, a—what the hell is that? You crane your neck and examine it further as all of your worst lavatory-related fears are confirmed. Yup, it’s an old tampon; a filthy, rancid, old tampon that’s just hanging out to say, “Hello!” first thing in the morning. Unfortunately, this sort of early morning “greeting” isn’t as uncommon as you assumed it would be before moving in. Most people assume that girls are cleanly creatures who poop rainbows and live in a world of singing silk unicorns. Wrong, but understandably so. After all, girls do smell like flowers and baked goods 97.23% of the time, and they do seem more put together than their male counterparts. However, all of that repressed messiness explodes in community bathrooms. A quick peek around any dorm’s bathroom will tell you everything that you didn’t need to know about girls. The first week held the relatively minor shock of clogged toilets, grime-coated tile floors, broken toilet paper dispensers, an array of used tissues coating the countertops, unmentionable stains on the toilet seats, and, of course, the aforementioned grubby tampon incident. Could it really get anymore horrifying than that? Probably not, you think, hopeful that mercy is in sight. Well, you were definitely incorrect, because the showers haven't even been broached yet. There you find enough hair in the drains to donate to Locks of Love as a cruel April Fool’s prank. Not to mention the endless piles of razors, soap bars, and shower-scrunchies that seem to materialize day after day. How do residents forget these things in the shower? Aren’t they sort of necessary, for, like, the next time you need to shower? And how on earth do you forget them every damn day? With more unanswered questions than an X-Files episode, you decide to investigate. Why do your floor-mates insist on creating a space less sanitary than a pigpen? Do they really just not give a shit (pun fully intended)? Maybe that’s the case, or maybe—just maybe—there’s something deeper in the female psyche that causes this haywire college-dorm phenomenon you’re experiencing. Perhaps it’s the “crazy college” bubble that causes this disaster, or maybe it’s just that they’ve been
so clean their whole lives at home, that being at college is a whole new world, with unsanitary living as exciting as the new experience of untethered, purely sexual relationships? Sex isn’t always unsanitary, but these options do seem plausible. But really, we can come to only one conclusion: girls in the dorms are clinically insane. Leaving a used tampon on the floor is unforgiveable. Clearly the culprit of such Tampax treachery was beyond insane in the membrane. You’re not the crazy one, they are, and there is no use trying to understand their sick, twisted logic. Keep your chin and toilet seat up, kid, and maybe consider using the bathroom in a different neck of the woods.
ALTER EGO TATTOO & BODY PIERCING
7212 Kingston PK 865-300-0006
Fine Line Traditional Color Bomb Black & Grey Custom Work Photo Realistic Tribal
Mon.-Sat. 12:00 - 12:00 Sun. 12:00 - 8:00
Private Booths Auto Clave Sterile State Licensed Health Dept. Approved
“We’ll Get Under Your Skin”
From the Streets
[PartyPics]
Got a question you want us to ask? FTS@theblacksheeponline.com
What do you feel is the architectural significance of the newest addition to the University of Tennessee, Sorority Row, is?
“Well, looks like big ol’ dick to me.” - Chris H., Junior Mechanical Engineering
“Well, they sure do like em big” - Julie B., Junior Nutrition
“Bam! Got ‘em!” - Michael M., Junior Kinesiology
send your party pics to pics@theblacksheeponline.com
(View and Send Pics from our iPhone & Android App! Search black sheep mobile)
page 6
Sex & the U: Advice from the Middle Ages
theblacksheeponline.com
The Round Mound of Surround-Sound wrote this
Chivalry has gone the way of rock music and Princess Diana. In other words, it’s dead. We can’t agree on who killed it, but we all long to return to that simpler time. A time filled with premature deaths, inexplicable diseases, and never ending wars. You know, when men were truly gentle. Women are always looking for their knight in shining armor to treat them like princesses. But fear not dear reader, it is not impossible to provide them exactly with that; here are some easy ways you can bring back chivalry and get those chastity belts dropping in no time. The first step of being a chivalrous gentleman is dressing the part. A simple chainmail suit slung over whatever ironic t-shirt you’re wearing today is the simplest and classiest decision. You also can’t forget to bring out your broadsword and sheath, complete with a fun background story for how you got your sword. Tell people you slayed a dragon right as it was about to bite off your Lord’s head. With your new duds, you will certainly notice people giving you some strange looks as you march around campus. Don’t be alarmed; those are merely looks of fear and admiration. You probably aren’t used to them considering you’re so used to being a nobody. True gentlemen always greet ladies by dropping down to one knee and kissing their hand. If you are ever out with a lovely woman and someone begins grinding on her, immediately cut in and begin slow dancing with her (regardless of the song) with a minimum of one and a half feet in between your bodies. She’ll thank you for it later. Also, if push comes to shove, you must be ready to duel for her honor. Don’t worry, you’ll have a clear advantage seeing as you’re the only guy on campus with a broadsword. Always have an antiquated poem on hand. It helps if you can write one of your own, but it is more practical to pick something that doesn’t suck. Above all, you should treat every woman you ever meet as the first and last woman you are ever going to see. So go ahead and let the first words that fly out of your mouth be, “I love you.” Remember, there is nothing a woman loves more than unearned and undeserved admiration.
If you want a real chance of bedding one of the finest damsels on campus, you need to get your estate in order. If you don’t already own plots of land and an army of eager serfs to do your bidding, then what are you waiting for? Everyone knows that the one constant in human history is that land equals power. You must first buy a farm and fill it with some trustworthy serfs that will work for nothing but a roof over their heads and blankets free of smallpox. This might require a trip down to the border, but it’ll be worth it in the end. Now that you finally have your lady wedded, you can get her bedded. Remember to keep it simple in the bedroom and always make sure you finish before she does. If she ever gets too experimental in bed and asks for oral or anal, simply smack her over the head with a stack of Bibles and remind her that marriage is for making babies and nothing else. If a woman rejects your sexual advances then she is obviously a witch, and you should terminate the romance immediately. Alert the nearest church, and they will promptly send over an angry mob bearing torches and the wrath of God. To test her witch-hood, simply tie her to heavy rocks and drop her in the middle of the ocean. If she drowns, she’s a witch because the lord didn’t save her. If she floats, than she is obviously using her witchy powers to spit in the face of God’s natural laws of buoyancy. Either way you leave with your dignity and ego intact. It goes without saying that it is never, under any circumstances acceptable to force yourself on a woman … unless you have a more reputable family than her, in which case you can just go ahead. No one is going to listen to a peasant in court.
The Top 10 best things to steal from parties
You head in to a party, hand over $5 for a cup, and drink out of their quickly-disappearing, lukewarm keg. You’re not getting much bang for your buck, so snagging yourself a little gift on the way out makes it all a bit more worth it. 10. Cups and Shot Glasses: Point blank: You can never have enough. Stealing these from a frat is basically just a shadier way of saying, “Thank you for supplying my party next weekend, you will not be invited.”
Confessions of a Campus House Pet kitty kat wrote this
I’ve always been your typical fat cat who enjoys naps near an open window and tossing my felt mouse from paw to paw. I’m not one for snuggling or purring against the ear. I’m a lush for catnip and a good roll in kitty litter, but other than that, I’m not the friendliest pussy around. Regardless, my owner Hillary hasn’t gone one day without planting a sickening kiss on top of my head or hugging me into oblivion before bed. That’s why I almost gagged on a hair ball the day that she brought me off to college with her for her sophomore year.
9. Toilet Paper: As a chick, there’s nothing worse than stopping to pee on the way home and having to squat against the side of a building. It’s even more fun when there’s nothing to wipe with, and then you feel all wet and hobo-y for the rest of the night. Stealing a roll is convenient, and no one will really give a shit if you do it. 8. Random Knick Knacks: The stranger the stolen item in your pocket, the better the conversation starter it is. Head in to a party with plans to walk away with the oddest piece you can get your hands on. Look for bobble heads, Nintendo 64 controllers, artsy coffee mugs, or massage oils. Bring it out to the bar and see how many numbers it helps you get. 7. Clothes: Girls and heels, boys and hats; they usually get ditched within the first five minutes. And everyone makes the mistake at one point of bringing a North Face to a party and “hiding” it behind the couch. Keep an eye out for this stuff and expand your wardrobe in just one night! 6. Money: It’s unoriginal and basically a felony, like embezzlement. But really, it’s boring and makes you the scum of the earth. If you sink to this, just donate it to a local charity or pass it off to a bum. You’re both going to spend it on booze, but they don’t have a mommy supporting their habit. 5. Lawn Chairs: Not only are these things beyond easy to casually grab and walk away with, they’re also totally practical. Who isn’t going to want to sit down at some point in their life? Having more chairs on hand in your apartment means you can finally go out and make some more friends, what with all of that seating room.
Between her homework and part-time job at Barleys’s, she barely had time to keep my milk bowl full. Bitch. So I was surprised when she brought somebody new home: an ugly, furry bunny. That hideous thing had beady, red eyes, and it couldn’t aim its piss to save its life. One day I was lounging and watching a stoned Hillary force-feed that fuzzy asshole some crisp baby carrots. Within seconds, it started choking until it eventually flopped over and remained motionless. Hillary looked sad for a few minutes, but then scooped up the body, tossed it in an empty plastic bag, and brought it out to the dumpster. A few days later Hillary bought a squirrely little hamster. It lasted for a week or so until one night when Hillary came home from the bars with a half empty beer bottle. She didn’t know it, but I saw exactly what that sneaky girl did. With an evil glint in her eye, she emptied the remains of the bottle right into the hamster’s dish and coaxed him to take a drink. After a few minutes, the pathetic thing swayed right to left and collapsed. This time there was no mourning; Hillary picked it up barehanded and tossed it in the trash. I started to grow concerned. Were these just careless accidents or something more? Was an intoxicated college student really capable of taking care of another being, when she really couldn’t take care of herself? I found myself growing restless and anxious when I was alone in the apartment with her. I flinched at any noise I heard, and flickers of light across the wall sent me flying. Just the sight of Hillary caused my fur to rise. Was she coming for me next? Just when I thought it couldn’t get any worse, Hillary brought home a puppy. Normally I hate those damn yappy things, but I felt bad because I knew what was coming. Hillary hosted a party, and the place was wall-to-wall with people. The dog was annoying, humping random legs and licking people’s toes. Hillary shut him up in the bedroom with me and threw a plastic cup at him for a toy. Within minutes the dog had ripped it apart and swallowed every last inch of plastic. A few gags, a whimper, then nothing. I sat frozen on the bed, terrified. Later, when Hillary found his body, she just kicked it out of the way, under her bed. After Hillary passed out I snuck under the bed to give the puppy a proper burial. The puppy was still alive, but was bleeding profusely from his mouth and anus caused by internal lacerations from the jagged pieces of Solo cup. I asked him if he had trouble breathing because of the blood coming from his mouth. He said he wasn’t actually bleeding from the mouth, but had earlier attempted to eat his anus blood, mistaking it for runny diarrhea. At this point I remembered why I hated dogs so much. However, what he said next will remain with me until the day I die. He said, “I just don’t understand why college students buy animals that they are only going to neglect. Don’t they realize that they are assholes? Total assholes?” and then closed his eyes.
4. CDs/DVDs/iPod: Selling these on the black market is a quick way to make some money without prostituting yourself, but that whole gig is overplayed. Christmas is in a couple months, and between now and then you’re bound to have some birthdays sprinkled in there. Stock up on some copies of the latest Now That’s What I Call Music! CDs, because that’s a gift that anyone would love, right? 3. Food: Instead of heading to Jimmy John’s on the way home for a $7 sandwich, save yourself some money tonight. It’ll be a little difficult to do at a frat, but if you find yourself at an apartment rager, it’ll be pretty simple to pop open a cabinet and snag a bag of chips without anyone noticing. “It’s cool bro, I live here.” 2. Alcohol: Rolling a keg out of a house it too obvious, and free beer during rush is too easy. Find yourself a chubby girl and have her help you smuggle a handle out under her shirt. From this point you have two options: Finish it off by yourselves or find a druggie in a bar’s back alley and try to trade it in for some drugs. The second choice might involve sexual favors as well, but that’s the whole point of college. 1. Someone’s Virginity: Ah, the only theft that actually comes with a bonus gift: offspring!
black sheep staff wrote this
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SPECIAL NIGHT FRI 9/14
Uncle Lucius Live at 10PM! Half-Off Bottles of Wine until 10pm The Coveralls Live at 10PM!
SAT 9/15
Friday: The Coveralls Live at 10PM!
THURS 9/13
The Grid
Scan to go right to the page!
Ponderosa Live at 10PM! Football on Big Screens All Day!
WEDNESDAY: Carleo’s Winedown Wednesday! $2 Glasses of Wine
FRIDAY: NV College Night! 18 and up | $2 Domestics and $4 Shooters Until Midnight
FRIDAY! FREE BEER! $5 Liquor Pitcher ($3 Add Another Shot) $3 Wells, $3 Apple Pie Moonshine, $3 24oz Natty & Keystone $2 PBR & Highlife Tallboys
$2 Domestic Bottles
SOUTHBOUND College Night! $2 Domestics & $4 Wells Until Midnight | 21 and up
Check out carleoentertainment.com for upcoming events!
$6 Buzzballs, $5 Pitchers of Beer, $4 Soco & Lime $3 Wells, $2 Bud Light & Miller Lite Bottles $1 Shooter Girl Shots
$2.50 blue moon drafts
SOUTHBOUND Total Request DJ Dance Party 21 and up
NV College Night! 18 and up $2 Domestics and $4 Shooters Until Midnight
FREE BEER! $5 Liquor Pitcher ($3 Add Another Shot) $3 Wells, $3 Apple Pie Moonshine, $3 24oz Natty & Keystone $2 PBR & Highlife Tallboys
$2.50 FAT TIRE DRAFTS
SOUTHBOUND Total Request DJ Dance Party
NV Top 40 Dance Party 21 and up
Karaoke! $5 Liquor Pitchers ($3 Add Another Shot) $4 32oz Drafts, $4 Fireball Shots $3 Wells, $3 24oz Natty & Keystone $2 PBR & Highlife Tallboys
Check out CarleoEntertainment.com for Upcoming Events!
Call (865) 414-6050 to set up your private party!
Book Your Private Parties Here! 865-525-0004 rumorz@charter.net
NFL Sunday Ticket!
$2 Domestic Bottles and Drafts, $5.50 Pitchers and Happy Wells All Day. $0.50 Wings, $3.99 Cheeseburgers and Fries
SUN 9/16
Jackstraw Live at 10PM! Free Pool All Day
MON 9/17
The Rocketboys w/ BEARCAT at 10PM Half Price Pint Night
NFL MONDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL $5.50 Domestic Pitchers $0.50 Wings, Pitchers and Happy Hour Wells All Day
Call (865) 414-6050 to set up your private party!
Check out carleoentertainment.com for upcoming events!
Book Your Private Parties Here! 865-525-0004 rumorz@charter.net
TUES 9/18
Half Price Pint Night
Trivia! $2 Domestic Drafts
Call (865) 414-6050 to set up your private party!
Call (865) 414-6050 to set up your private party!
Book Your Private Parties Here! 865-525-0004 rumorz@charter.net
WED 9/19
NFL Sunday Ticket!
Live Trivia Night!
$1.50 PBR Tall Boys
Carleo’s Winedown Wednesday! $2 Glasses of Wine
Check out carleoentertainment.com for upcoming events!
Book Your Private Parties Here! 865-525-0004 rumorz@charter.net
$2 Domestic Bottles and Drafts, $5.50 Pitchers and Happy Wells All Day. $0.50 Wings, $3.99 Cheeseburgers and Fries
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WEDNESDAY: Half Price Bottles of Wine all Day until 10 pm
Friday: SONS and Have Gun Will Travel and Clint Farley 10pm
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Come in and watch the game on our big screens!
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HALF-PRICE FOOD $3 Shiner Bock thewellknoxville.com for full calendar listings
Large 1 Topping Pizza + Breadsticks $10.99 + Tax Happy Hour 3-7pm: 50 cents off any beer; draft or bottle
Last Monday of Every Month: 5 Course Beer Dinner
Comedy Con Queso Open Mic hosted by Matt Ward Free Queso or Salsa with a tab
Large Windy City Pizza $11.99 + Tax Happy Hour 3-7pm: 50 cents off any beer; draft or bottle
$2 Drafts
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Cosmic Debris - FREE SHOW DRINK SPECIALS $5 Nachos - Anyway You Want Them
As long as the entertainment industry ignores the internet and continues to pour money into cable television, we will continue to be bombarded by mind-numbing commercials. Take some smiling middle-class twenty-somethings with nice jobs and cool clothes, inject a few minorities, and voila, you’ve got yourself a commercial. Despite being material girls in this material world, The Black Sheep wondered what would happen if advertising execs stepped out of their money caves and into the real world. What would these commercials look like if their commercials just dropped the pretence and said what the company was really trying to convey? By: Quinn and Brendan
Miller Lite
5-Hour Energy
Hey dude! Yeah you, sitting alone on the couch! Look at us bros on the TV, drinkin’ Miller Lites and razzin’ each other like dudes do. Look at all the hot girls around us! Look at how hot that bartender is!
Got that been-drinking-for-3-days-straight feeling and it’s only Friday? Second day of frothy acidic coffee shits? Too pussy to reach out to an acquaintance for Adderall? Try 5-Hour Energy. It might trick you into thinking it’s working.
Why are you sitting alone, drinking water and watching football like a pansy? Who does that? No one here does that! Join us, crack open a cold Miller brew and you’ll never look back. You’ll be at a tailgate or a not-decrepit sports bar with your pals! Don’t have any pals? You will if you drink Miller Lite! But if you’re thinking about drinking anything else besides a Miller Lite you can see yourself through the God dammed door. Go ahead, order whatever is on special, and watch as your new hot friends and bartenders call you out for being such a pussy. Drinking anything else is unmanly, you might as well push your penis up inside yourself and wear lipstick.
You are a man, aren’t you? Men have beards, watch football and have sex on women that resemble Grecian goddesses. They don’t, above all else, drink “whatever.” You might as well be some sort of tight jean-wearin’, soccer watchin’, he-she who doesn’t know what good beer tastes like. Our beer is good, and that’s why we’ve invented bottles and cans that funnel it down your throat as fast as possible.
AXE Body Spray
Listen, you’re a hard-working person who doesn’t have time to make coffee. While your co-workers sit in the dark pit that is their cubicle, drinking latte after latte and thinking about hanging themselves in the shower later, you’re chock-full of B-Vitamins and Guarana – it’s basically gasoline for humans! Drink a 5-Hour energy every morning and you won’t not be not having sex and running on treadmills before dawn! DAWN! You don’t need to nurse your hangover with “food” or “sleep,” 5-Hour Energy has everything your body needs in a 1.93 oz package! Plus, you won’t crash!*
Hello there, our very stoned friend. Sure, you could change the channel, but that remote is literally three feet away, and after that fourth bong rip we both know you’re not lifting a finger.
Well, it’s because you’re not getting enough of that sweet, sweet pussy.
Instead, we’re going to show you some images of delicious, low-rent Tex-Mex food. Yeah, look at the way we drape that velvety cheese-flavored wax blend all over finelyground possum assholes. Right now you’re wishing you could fire that gooey goodness into a spoon and inject it straight into your cholesterol-laden bloodstream. Oh, but we’re not done yet. After that we’re going full-on H.A.M., wrapping that bitch up in flour tortilla, smothering that thing in cheese, then wrapping another deep-fried corn tortilla around that diarrhea missile. Sure, you’re going to shit your pants later, but that just means you can shove some more Type-2 Diabetes down your gullet.
The problem isn’t your general disgust towards mainstream music, movies, television shows and books. It’s not your obsession with Minecraft. It isn’t your greasy, unwashed hair, or your chain wallet, or the black jean short and Queensryche t-shirt combo you sport in the middle of December. Nope, you’re not fist-deep in freshman snatch right now because you don’t smell like a dumpster behind a strip club. You need to get in the car right now and head to your nearest department store. Park
*In you won’t crash the airplane you’re not flying. An emotional crash, however, is guaranteed. Imminently.
Taco Bell
Sitting alone in a corner? Does the scent of self-loathing seep through your pores? Feeling like you’re slowly slipping away from the world because you exist on a different plane of being?
So listen up loser, you need some Axe Dark Temptation Body Spray before you put that Glock to your temple and double tap your way to the big Poon Tang Palace in the sky.
So get to the store and grab yourself a case. Stock your cabinets with 5-Hour Energy, people won’t think you’re a psychopath, they’ll think your smart and awesome! Are you a boring old office worker? You should drink 5-hour energy! Are you a boring old construction worker? You should drink 5-Hour Energy! Are you an inmate snowman? 5-Hour Energy!
in a handicap spot, because if we’re being realistic, you’re afflicted with a mean case of Vagophilia. Hustle down to men’s health products and just grab the first can you see. Spray that shit all over your body. Just… just empty that bitch out. If you think you’ve sprayed enough, you haven’t. Alright slithound, now it’s time for you to get all up on the bitches. You see, we lace our shit with chemicals that draw them sluts towards you. Pheromones or hormones or something. What Einstein, does it look like we went to college? Either way, you’ll have some whores moaning all up on you when you’re Axin’ and relaxin’.
“But I’m way too high to drive, and it’s almost 10:30p.m.,” you foolishly mumble to yourself. Hah! Don’t you know we’re open later
than shit? We invented the fourth meal to eliminate the anguish degenerates like you feel when you’re mouthhumping your food hole mere minutes before you pass out from exhaustion after a long day of self-loathing and jacking off. So yeah, we’ll wait a few hours for you to hop in your 1997 Chevy Lumina and haul your “sober enough to drive” ass down to the nearest Taco Bell. And don’t forget to pick up some Baja Blast when you swing through, that shit is legit.
the interview
fitz & the tantrums
Noelle Scaggs, lead female vocalist for the indie soul band Fitz & The Tanturms, may be technically considered a “tantrum” in the band, but her powerhouse voice makes her the feistiest of them all. We had the chance to chat with the singer about performing love songs, being the only chick in a gaggle of guys, and, of course Ryan Gosling. Check out their hit album, Pickin’ up the Pieces while you wait for their newest album in 2013. By: Jess Sommers The Black Sheep: How did you get to know Michael Fitzpatrick, and how did Fitz & The Tantrums get started? Noelle Scaggs: Michael had been going through a really bad break-up and he wrote the song “Breakin’ the Chains of Love,” which was kind of his first song he had written with this Motown style. He called up John Wicks, a mutual friend of ours and our current drummer , to help develop more of these types of songs, which turned into our first EP, Songs for a Breakup, Vol. 1. So I went to the rehearsal studio and the first rehearsal we all just really jelled, mine and Michael’s voice jelled really well together. It felt like we had been performing for a long time. The beginning stages were really cool because it was a rare happening, you know, finding musicians who can really play and you have this moment of knowing this works. You’re not really sure where it’s going to go, but it really worked out. And everything with the band kept falling into place. We just kept getting offered gigs , and then came people who wanted to manage us. We had been together for six months before we go an offer for our first tour, with Hepcat and Flogging Molly, then came touring with Maroon 5. It was really special . TBS: A lot of your songs have to do with love and heartbreak. Tell me a little bit about the songwriting process. Noelle: On the new record we’ll all just get together and kind of jam out. The guys will send a track and Michael and I will build from them; I’ll create the lyrics and sometimes I’ll do the melody, or we’ll go back and forth. It’s just a melting pot of ideas that happen. I’ll write some stuff at my house and send it to Michael, he’ll vibe off of it and decide if he likes it or not, and vice versa. It’s a very collaborative effort. With Picking up the Pieces, because of the situation of Michael coming out of love, the entire story of that record was about breaking up and trying to get through that process. When I came to the table and brought that female dynamic, it became the two sides of the tale instead of just being about the male heartbreak. You get that female side as well which really dominates on stage. [Michael and I] have a really cool dynamic. TBS: So how do you like being the only girl in a group of guys? Noelle: I’ve been doing this for a long time and I’m used to being the only woman in a lot of bands. In my former band I was the only woman as well, and I was the front woman, so I’ve gotten used to it. You do have those times where you miss having a woman around. Thankfully, one of our managers is a woman and she comes on tour with us, so it gives me a nice break from being around all the guys all the time. But these guys are really amazing people, they’re really mature, it’s not like I’m touring with a bunch of teenagers who don’t really understand the business. We’re all good friends, we all respect each other, and, for that, it’s really cool. They’re very sensitive to me being the princess of the group. TBS: You personally have collaborated with a ton of different kinds of artists. Who are some of your favorites? Noelle: I really enjoyed working with will.i.am. He’s a really interesting character in the studio in that he just lets you go, he lets you flow, and the minute that he hears something good he’s like, “I want you do that.” He’s always been this really cool person to just jam out with and try to develop ideas and not really think about what’s going to happen. You just try things and have fun with it. I’ve always really enjoyed that about him in the studio, like I could just be playing around with something and he’d be like, “Go do that!” TBS: What are some things you always have around when you’re getting ready for a show? Noelle: Slippery Elm, it’s basically a root that comes in capsules that Michael and I drink in a tea, especially during cold season. I always, always, always have my watch. I don’t really like having my phone on me constantly, and that’s the reason why I bought the watch, so I know how much time we have before we go on stage. TBS: If you were stuck in an elevator for 24-hours, what one person would you ideally like to be stuck with? Noelle: From the music stand point, Thom Yorke. Also, maybe Ryan Gosling. I wouldn’t mind being locked up in an elevator with him, that’d be cool.
the big three
entertainment-y things we’re all excited about.
Band of Horses - mirage rock out september 18
Indie-rock darlings Band of Horses are back with their fourth studio album, Mirage Rock. These sleepy Seattle natives have undergone several changes in the past few years, while always keeping their signature style of pseudo-bluegrass tunes mixed in with catchy pop and rock beats. Check out their new tracks, "Dumpster World" and "Knock Knock."
liberal arts - in theaters out september 14
Cute, bearded, single, unemployed, and 35, Jesse Fisher (Josh Radnor, from How I Met Your Mother fame) gets asked to speak at his favorite college professor's retirement party. While back on campus he, naturally, falls for a cute, precocious sophomore Zibby (Elizabeth Olsen) and awkward love ensues. Cue the cute emotional cuteness!!!
SNooki & jwoww - Season finale thursday, september 13 @ 10 p.m.
Curious to find out how the summer of Snooki and JWOWW will end? Well if you've looked at any magazine covers or been on the internet at all, you probably know. But what you won't know are all the ridiculous and entertaining intricacies of the two guidettes that only a supremely edited show will give you. And let's all applaud for a season 2, in production now!
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theblacksheeponline.com
bartender of the week Jennifer H. Ooga Mooga’s Tiki Tavern Favorite drunk munchie food?: It has to the Crazy Bacon Tiki Taters. Favorite show?: The Walking Dead Who would win in a fight, a silverback gorilla or a Kodiak bear?: The gorilla, gorillas are f*cking crazy. What’s the weirdest place you’ve ever slept?: On top of a pool table. If you could be any superhero, who would it be?: The Invisible Man, except not a man. It’d be awesome, I’d trip people all day. What’s the best hangover cure?: Shot of vodka and a Baconator from Wendy’s. If you only had 15 minutes to get wasted, how would you do it?: Irish car bombs, line ‘em up and down ‘em.
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What drink could you chug the most of?: It’s gotta be Jager. How do you know when too drunk?: Whenever I have to close one eye to see straight. If you could make one item free for everyone, what would it be?: Beer, it should count as a necessity. What’s your favorite drinking game?: I like the beer pong. If you could fill a pool with Jell-O, what flavor would it be?: Strawberry If you were Snow White’s 8th dwarf, what would you name be?: Dirty Shirly
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5 People You Meet in College and Hate Instantly katrina nicholson wrote this Socially, we are in the midst of a terrifying time. We exit the small pond of high school and enter the creepily large cesspool that is college. By choosing to enter this cesspool we waive our right to avoid interaction with some of the people we’d normally be able to dodge. However, freshmen, you can arm yourself by being aware of the five types of people you’ll find here before sitting next to them in the lecture hall or sharing a seat with them on the bus. Maybe you won’t need to fake malaria and run in the other direction. The Study Buddy: This person just desperately wants to be your friend. Unfortunately, they are socially awkward to the point of no return. Their method for nudging their way into a forced friendship is coordinating study dates with unsuspecting laggards. This person will disguise their strange quirks and nasal issues by remaining as silent as possible. Most of the time you will agree to a study date because you see no harm. Well there is harm. This kid will latch onto you like a giant squid would the mask of a scuba diver. Then they’ll leach every ounce of patience and dignity from your poor trembling body. But in all honesty they will probably just sit there and stare at you while you attempt non-geeky conversation. Getting you to hang out with them was step 1, they have no step 2; because after that, it’s over. They belong to you. Young Entrepreneur: This is the kid who is currently majoring in something like business, finance or marketing. He’s headed into the school of management and he thinks he’s hot stuff. He’ll check his stock ticker on a 10-minute basis, making notes of his growing 10-dollar investments, and every once in a while making comments about how he “totally was going to invest in Apple back in ‘97 but was too young to put his foot down.” This kid is convinced that he belongs on the Fortune 500 and will make sure everyone knows it. He insists upon wearing his suit to class every day, because he, “doesn’t feel comfortable any other way.” Unless you want ill-advised financial advice, steer clear of this guy. He’s a mega-douche, and he’s the only person who doesn’t know it.
Stinky Activist: This guy doesn’t even need a home. He’d rather be homeless if it helps his cause. He’ll run around the quad yelling, “WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO END WORLD HUNGER?” He’ll constantly guilt trip you for your daily decisions, “Do you know, just by eating that burger you are increasing your carbon footprint tenfold?” While he leans over to tell you this, you’ll catch a whiff of his unwashed mop of hair that has saved the earth 36 gallons of water. It will smell worse than the shit your dog left on the back porch of your house on a hot summer day. The best way to deter these people is to slit the throat of a baby pig in front of their environmental club. But seriously, if you did that they’d probably leave you alone. Fake International Student: You may catch this person casually speaking French as they order food at a Mexican restaurant. Oh, are they from France? Oh, no. They just studied there for a semester. This kid got back from their abroad trip, realized how “shitty American culture is” and how “ashamed he is of being American.” So their solution is to just convert themselves to the culture of their former host country. Well guess what kids? This doesn’t work. You are American. Hell, you probably don’t even speak French correctly. People like this are almost more embarrassing than our ignorant, overweight, stereotypical Americans. If you do decide to befriend these people, all you will ever hear about is their trip abroad, and how much better EVERYTHING is in France, and how badly they want to go back, and how they’re even considering doing ANOTHER semester there. Yeah okay, go back. We don’t want you here.
this girl is hated instantly is NOT because she parties. It is because she cannot function in everyday life. The only topics of conversation that interest her are: her North Face jacket, her Victoria’s Secret yoga pants, and her Starbucks latte. If you really want to push boundaries she might talk a bit about her favorite Zumba move. But seriously, this is the girl who spends all of lecture on her laptop pinning things on Pinterest and giggling at pictures of puppies and kittens in baskets. If you need someone to get wasted with every weekend, you may choose her. But she will vomit on your face.
The Biddy: This is the girl you see in the middle of winter, wearing a short skirt and 6-inch heels. She’s already vomited into her small handbag three times and is still determined to make it to that frat house. If you’re a male you may enjoy her, because if this girl sees you on the streets she may try to seduce you regardless of your looks. The reason
Now that you know what to look for in your future classmates, you may be able to run and hide before they attack. If any of these descriptions sound like you... then you may want to reconsider your life decisions and do a personality reconstruction. Because chances are you’re pissing the rest of us off by continuing to think you’re the shit.
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the photo hunt
can you find all 10 differences in this lecture hall? email us at puzzle@theblacksheeponline.com with the locations or a picture of your findings and win a prize!
the classtime I’m just reading over my ___1___ entry from yesterday, where I live-blogged my first day of college. Holy ___2___, I am awesome: 8 a.m.: Okay, so I’m getting ready for my first “class” lol. This to-go coffee mug is so perfect for ___3___ and ___4___. Plus I’ll look so ___5___ around the guys. I hope some are wearing ___6___! 10:20 a.m.: Thaaaat was boring. Skipping ___7___ because I don’t even know what I want to be yet. I’m thinking I could be the next ___8___ because I’m so emotional and creative. Hopefully my roommate is back, she’s from ___9___ but I can tell she’s got a wild side to her, like that bitch ___10___. Maybe she’ll want to rip the ___11___ and go H.A.M. in the caf. 11:30 a.m.: WOW what a ___12___! She said she won’t smoke yet because she usually waits until right before dinner. I wonder if everything is okay? I found her fifth of ___13___ and I’m just going to have a sip.
11:55am: I just Googled hiccup cure. :/ 1:30 p.m.: So I went to the Caf by myself and spilled a tray of ___14___ all over this cute dark-skinned boy. I said “___15___, you ain’t trippin’, I am trippin.’” Everyone laughed at me! Maybe I’ll be the next Chelsea Handler? 2 p.m.: I just ordered an extra-large, double ___16___ pizza, about to carry it down the hall to make some drinkin’ buddies. 4:35 p.m.: OH MY GOSH I just got this sophomore to buy me alcohol, but she insisted on a 6-pack of ___17___ instead of the 30 rack I hoped for. She goes, “You don’t want to end up like ___18____.” I was kind of offended, but I took them anyway. 9:30 p.m.: Wow, I’ve never had a nap like that before! Feels like I’ve been on ___20___ for like three years. I went to the bathroom and saw I had vomit on my ___21____ so that’s cool. Met some girls bonging ___22___ in the bathroom, so I think I’m going to meet up with them now. College is awesome!
Meet The Staff campus manager Austin Owen Editorial manager Emily Hagenburger Advertising Managers Jessica Hill, Tanner Jenkins
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