Volume 6
The Black Sheep
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The College Newspaper That's Actually About College
Issue 2
AN ODE TO TIN ROOF Cory Chitwood wrote this
Cumberland Avenue used to be the epicenter of UT’s party culture, but it took a huge hit with the loss of the beloved Tin Roof. Join us as we mourn its passing and look to the future. The Strip has seen better days. Vacant buildings stand where bars used to be, tumbleweeds roll past where cops used to post up waiting to get those juicy public intoxication arrests. But throughout all the years of bad bars like Rumorz (which housed drunk, horny freshmen grinding on any ass they saw) and the classily-named Whiskey Dix, there was always Tin Roof. It, more than the other bars, welcomed the college kids who wanted to go to a bar that didn’t make them feel like they needed to shower afterward. What will be missed most about Tin Roof? For starters, the open-air bar was a perfect place for someone inside to throw something on to the sidewalk, yell an obscenity at someone they’d never met, or try to start a fight with someone walking down the street (who wouldn’t be able to do anything about it, what with being outside the bar and all). Indeed, Knoxville has truly lost a rich part of its culture with this loss. Don’t forget that Tin Roof also gave the UT population a classic #VolBlackout picture of one of its bar-goers passed out at the feet of a Knoxville Police officer at the bar’s entrance – something that will be forever treasured. This photo is most definitely framed and hanging from a wall in Jimmy Cheek’s office. Also worth mentioning, Tin Roof was exclusive. Getting in was hard if you were a minor; it separated the boys from the men. Or rather, it separated the good fake IDs from the shitty Chinesemade ones. If you got into Tin Roof at age 18, you were hot shit. Never mind that the senior girls you’d try to hit on saw right through your attempts to convince them that your ruler-wide dorm bed was a prime destination. There is, however, one group of benefactors from the closing of Tin Roof: the late-night Taco Bell employees across the street. The
heavy influx of drunk, stupid, college kids at 2 a.m. will be not be missed by those poor people. Besides, who needs to awaken after a night out hungover from both booze and Taco Bell regrets?
house blaring music that is less than family-friendly may be a cop magnet, but don’t let it bother you as you violate 20 other people’s personal space in an attempt to wiggle your way to the keg.
Tin Roof’s former regulars are bound to be desperate for other bars. Some might go to The Hill as long as they can get past John Wayne at the door. If that’s not your thing, you can always go back to partying in the neighborhood whose chief exports are UT Alerts and 911 calls: Fort Sanders. Sure, cramming 200 people into a
Regardless, Tin Roof is gone for better or worse and people will have to move on. It may be a process for some, but The Black Sheep will help you along the path to healing as we remind you that it’s okay to get drunk without going to a bar.
PAGE 6
PAGE 10-11
TOP 10: WAYS A NIGHT OUT ON THE STRIP COULD GO WRONG?
THE ULTIMATE GUIDE TO THE OSCARS
WAKING UP IN THE DRUNK TANK SURE CAN RUIN A NIGHT...
WITH THIS GUIDE, YOU’LL SOUND LIKE SOMEONE WHO SPENT 20 HOURS WATCHING MOVIES.
PAGES 12 BARTENDER OF THE WEEK WHATVER YOU DO, DON’T ASK NIKKI FOR A BUTTERY NIPPLE...
FOLLOW US @BLACKSHEEP_UTK JANUARY 22nd, 2015 - FEBRUARY 4th, 2015 THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM
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PAGE THREE THE BLACK SHEEP’S LEGENDARY
WORD OF THE WEEK
80s CARTOON CHARACTER PORN STAR NAME?
INCOMPEETENT The inability to pee in dorm bathrooms because, you know, performance anxiety, man.
ARIA ARIAL
I’m sorry I didn’t go when we were in the dorm, I was incompeetent! Hurry, help me find a bush.
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PAGE 4 • THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM
UH-OH
“Workload for Spring Classes is Absurd,” Claims High Student Lying in Bed and Watching Netflix Phillip Redmon wrote this
In a world where students are asked to actually commit to studying, college kids everywhere are struggling to adapt. If this applies to you, rest easy. You’re not alone. In between the sixth and seventh season of Dexter, UT undergrad Derek Adams vented his frustrations to The Black Sheep concerning the tremendous amount of homework required by his spring semester classes. “Do they think we don’t have lives outside school?! I’ll never get everything done on time,” said Adams while rolling a joint on his Norton Anthology of American Literature. Other UT students concur with Adams. After the first day of class, social media erupted with disgruntled posts from other concerned students. “WTF! Prof gave us homework on the first day,” and “THREE WEEKS TO RIGHT A 6 PAGE PAPER?!” appeared on UT’s Yik Yak network Friday evening. Both posts received a slew of upvotes in support, as they definitely should have. After moving from his bed to a large, urine-stained futon, Adams revealed his most recent attempts at unifying other students who are dissatisfied with
it’s BASKETBALL SEASON
at cool beans!
actually having to do work. “I’m using Facebook and Twitter to organize our efforts to fight back against lengthy research papers and unreasonable reading assignments. It’s taken way long than I had expected, but it’s worth it.” Students interested in joining the movement can contact Adam through Facebook, where he spends at least eight hours a day, by joining his group Students Against Homework and Reading, or using the Twitter hashtag #nomorehwUT. Adams’ classes for spring semester consist of English 102, English 432, Accounting 200, Geology 101, and perhaps the most demanding of them all, Physical Education 231: Walking. “Geo 101 is actually two classes,” stated Adams in reference to the twohour lab which assigns its own homework and reading assignments separate from those assigned in lecture. Adams showed us the massive geology textbook which appeared to be 200 to 300 pages thick before returning the monstrosity to its resting place on the floor where it serves as a doorstop during house parties. The small two-bedroom house where Adams
resides, located in Fort Sanders, sits near the corner of 16th Street and Clinch. This means residents are forced to climb almost two and a half blocks of hill before starting their descent towards UT’s campus. When asked about using the library to study and complete assignments, Adams, who wears sweatpants and cranks his thermostat to 72, said, “It’s freezing outside. I won’t risk my health to appease these bastards and their ridiculous assignments.”The danger posed by a six minute walk in almost freezing temperatures and occasional rain showers can deter even the most resolute undergrad from completing assignments. Perhaps it was simply the weed smoke engulfing
the living room, or maybe it was the Colt 45 Adams offered our reporter before the interview. Whatever the reason, we became distraught at the sight of our fellow student so demoralized and downtrodden by our institutions’ complete disregard for basic human rights. We fought back tears as Adams told us he would not be able to watch the final season of Dexter or catch up on Game of Thrones. Adams is not the only student whose life is being destroyed by class workloads, and it makes us consider a world where Netflix, social media, and pot must be put aside for the sake of education. If this is the future, we’ll have no part of it.
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PROS & CONS:
explaining to them why you’re digging through the pantry like a savage at 3 a.m.
HOME VS. DORM
Dorm Pros: You’re in the drunchies hub of Knoxville. With a single phone call, you can have anything you can think of delivered to the lobby of your dorm. Mama may be pissed with those final grades you brought home, but you know who still loves you? Papa John.
Black Sheep Staff wrote this
Cons: It’s dangerous to fall into a pattern of ordering the late-night junk food because it can be debilitating to your health and bank account. Not only that, you actually have to walk down a few flights of stairs to get the greasy goodness. Winner: DORM Knoxville has more late night food places than any of our engineers can count, so you know it’s a lot. Plus, no one will wake you up in the morning and passive-aggressively comment on the pizza box, oregano, and red pepper foursome you had. HOOKING UP WITH YOUR NEIGHBOR Home Pros: You’ll have a way bigger bed and more room to maneuver. You also have the luxury of being able to be a good host and offering your hometown slam piece something other than water or ramen.
Returning home for winter break is always a mixed bag. While you’re always stoked to see your family at the expense of getting the hell away from finals week, there’s always that creeping itch to hightail it back to Knoxville after two weeks of sharing your parents’ shitty, old taste in beer (Amstel Light? What am I, 50?). To set the record straight, we paired up the two living arrangements to see which is truly better: home or dorm. THE ABILITY TO GET DRUNCHIES Home Pros: You have a selection of fresh, gourmet food in your walk-in pantry and fridge. That five-cheese lasagna your mom made for dinner last night? All yours. That crisp, unopened bag of Doritos your parents picked up? Go crazy. You’re not paying for it. Cons: One wrong move or one chip bag that is just a bit too loud and your whole family wakes up and knows what’s up. Try
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Cons: Your parents are infinitely more likely to make some icy conversation when they’re stuck in a car with him on the way to Aunt Becky’s tomorrow. Dorm Pros: Nobody questions you unless you have roommates who need to know everything about your life. The only person you need to get past is security and that big bossman knows what’s going on anyway. Hell, he’s probably rooting for you. Cons: Anything that goes down in the bedroom will be spread like wildfire around your floor. What’s supposed to be a one night stand turns into your floormates envisioning
you getting married. And, you know, herpes jokes. Winner: DORM You don’t have an authority figure watching your every move, so you can shack up with some privacy. You also don’t have to worry about mentally scarring that curious little brother rummaging around at 2 a.m. MAKING A RUN FOR IT FROM THE SHOWER WITHOUT YOUR TOWEL Home Pros: Your parents’ hallway carpet is definitely better than your vomit-encrusted dorm floor. You’re going to be unseen unless your dad’s creepier than that freak down the hall. Cons: You could have an awkward encounter with Pops, leading to some weird dinner conversation. It was cute when you were three, but this is just… no. Dorm Pros: You get to practice streaking for when you actually do it across campus. It’s a trial run, so you’ve gotta’ make sure you perfect it in front of the people you live with first. Cons: You’re completely exposed at all times because every area in a dorm is shared space. Everybody in your hall will get a nice glance at your ass as you try to book it butt-naked to your room. Now you have marriage, herpes, and body image jokes going around. That’s a tall order for freshman year. Winner: HOME You have a way smaller chance of being seen by somebody, and you can gracefully make your way to your room without being too worried of exposing yourself to everyone around you. Plus, you’re all family in a weird, Texas Chainsaw Massacre sort of way. Dorm life, for all its tiny inconveniences, still beats the hell out of trying to do that whole “college” thing in a suburban split level. Stay in Knoxville for this one, kids.
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ROUGH CLASS, ROUGH NIGHTS
THE TOP TEN Ways a
Night on The Strip Goes Wrong There are many ways to have a good night on The Strip. There’s also many ways for things to go horribly, horribly wrong. Let’s look at 10 of ‘em.
The Post-Syllabus Week Blues Alex Harward wrote this
The first week of the spring semester has come and gone. The harsh reality is setting in, as homework is assigned and the icebreaker games finally cease. The end of syllabus week is almost as bad as the end of winter break. It’s the last week to goof around. The last week to sit around and do absolutely nothing. The last week of freedom. It’s the post-syllabus week blues. However, fear not! If you find yourself struggling with these blues, The Black Sheep has some tips for you on how to deal with the new semester and how to cope. First, when you wake up on that first Monday after syllabus week, take a long, hard look at yourself in the mirror and get it together. Maybe slap some cold water on your face to officially bring yourself out of that winter break haze. It’s okay if you cry a little; it happens to the best of us. But after that it’s time to get the ball rolling. Just tell yourself it won’t be that bad. It’s only the first week, what could possibly go wrong? Apparently, everything. Surprise! You get the professor who happens to be the spawn of Satan himself, the one who has already assigned a paper due Friday because he adamantly believes that his subject takes precedence over all others. Deep breaths people, deep breaths. It’s only Monday; there’s nothing a few sips of alcohol won’t solve. (Or more than a few, to each his own.) Rremember to remain calm and look on the bright side. Realistically speaking, you’ll bullshit that paper anyway. But it’s only the first one, right? It can’t be that bad as you tell yourself while choking back those big orange tears. The weekend will be here soon enough and you’ll be able to drink all your sorrows away from the first week.
Second, after the brutality of that first Monday post-syllabus week wears off, you might be able to see the bright side of things. Only like two and a half months until spring break and then another month and it’s summer vacation. It can feel like a lifetime, but things are looking up. Try not to dwell on the fact that it’s the middle of a bitter winter and sometimes when you walk to class it’s only seven degrees and you can’t feel your face. Just be grateful to UT for the chance of hypothermia! Don’t let those post-syllabus blues get to you; just imagine white sands, blue oceans, and hazy nights. Forget your homework, go into a state of pure denial. Third, if none of this has helped you so far, you are one tough son-of-a-bitch. Just remind yourself of all the good things UT has to offer. You’re back with all 28,000 of your friends and free from the confines of your childhood home. No rules, no regulation, no one to tell you when to take a shower or wash your sheets. Pure freedom. Those post-syllabus blues got nothing on you; get your ass out there and start partying as if your degree depended on it. Lastly, just try to remember that college is a once-in-a lifetime experience. Once you leave you will never have as much freedom and less responsibility then you do now. Take advantage of everything while you can. A couple missed classes and a few bad grades aren’t going to ruin your life (presumably). Get over those blues, get some work done, and party the hell out of the weekend. Also, if you’re feeling really optimistic try out that new fad, “new year, new me.” The Black Sheep believes in y’all. Go get ‘em tiger.
10.) The epic bar tab: Though considered by some as an indicator of a good night on The Strip, the financially less-fortunate student will not soon forget a $200 bar tab from Half Barrel. Every package of ramen and every cup of tap water from the bathroom sink serves to remind these students of the dangers of leaving an open tab, then leaving the bar. 9.) Angry girlfriends or boyfriends: Is it your fault that Hanna’s played “Turn Down for What” so loud that you couldn’t tell your cell phone was ringing? No. But the best way to start a hangover is waking up to a stream of text messages starting with “where r u?” and ending with “f*ck this I’m going home.” 8.) Being the guy who has to be carried: If you’ve ever been this person, we hope for your friend’s sake that you’re a lightweight, both in terms of alcohol tolerance and body mass. A big body and tiny tolerance make for the worst kind of drunk. 7.) Getting towed: Like vultures circling carrion, Knoxville towing companies survive by towing the cars of drunks from the parking lots and side streets surrounding The Strip. Remember to show these dicks your appreciation with an extended middle finger and look of pure contempt. 6.) Creepers: Sometimes girls just want to dance. However, ladies, when planning a girls’ night out, remember to stay on the lookout for dancefloor creepers. These men can be identified by their seemingly casual navigation of the dance floor in an effort to get right behind you and grind their Levi’s against your Daisy Dukes. 5.) Getting banned from Cool Beans: This is tough to do anywhere on The Strip, so hats off to anyone infamous enough to gain membership into this exclusive group of future commercial airline pilots and Jimmy John’s delivery drivers. 4.) Getting a DUI in the Krystal drive-thru: Why did they build a second Krystal right next to the old one? They didn’t. You’re seeing doubles. We all love those delicious little burgers at 3a.m., but they aren’t worth a night in the county jail, two grand in court costs, and a visit to judicial affairs. But it’s a close call. 3.) Getting hit by a car: The law states that “motorists must yield to any pedestrian in a designated crosswalk.” The guy who stumbled out of the Shell station and tried to cross over Cumberland states, “I can’t feel my legs.” 2.) Starting a fight at Cook-Out: Do you hate it when someone eyeballs you in public? When you drink does it seem like everyone wants a piece of you? Then go home after the bars close and cook your own quesadillas. A burn from your stove will hurt a lot less than the five UT athletes who are about to gang stomp you in front of half the student body. 1.) Waking up in the drunk tank: It doesn’t matter how you got there, what matters is how you’re getting out. Nothing mommy and daddy love more than a 4:00 a.m. phone call beginning with, “This is a collect call from the Knox County Jail. Press one to accept the charges.” Phillip Redmon wrote this
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ON THE STREETS IF YOU HAD TO SAY SOMETHING NICE ABOUT JANUARY, WHAT WOULD IT BE?
BRI
“Snow!”
KEY
“I had a really good New Year’s.”
YAYA
“Uhm, I guess it’s a month for starting over.”
07
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e d i u G p e e h S k c a l B to the (for Those Who Haven’t Seen These Movies) Last Thursday the Best Picture nominees for the 87th Academy Awards were announced. But what will you—the on-the-go college student who doesn’t have time to watch eight movies—do when you’re force to discuss the merits of one of the films? Oh, don’t worry, The Black Sheep has your back. By Brendan
THREE MOVIES THAT
SHOULD HAVE BEEN NOMINATED
(and why you should watch them)
American Sniper
Birdman
Basic Premise: America’s best long-range killing machine isn’t a machine at all, he’s a guy with feelings and stuff, even when he’s a-killin’. What You’ll Say That’ll Make You Sound Like an Idiot: “Dude, there’s no way a guy as good lookin’ as Bradley Cooper would ever be a sniper. I’m not gay or nothin’, but a man with that jaw line would be cleaning up on magazine covers, not waiting two weeks to shower in a desert.” Insightful Comment You Should Say Instead: “I’m quite pleased with Eastwood’s clear, realistic portrayal of killing in American Sniper. Too often, it’s easily to glorify or vilify the act, eliminating the feelings of discomfort we need to face in a world with many shades of gray.”
Basic Premise: Michael Keaton plays an ex-superhero, in-a-slump actor (hey, like Michael Keaton!) holding tight to his final strand of fame as he works to debut a Broadway play. What You’ll Say That’ll Make You Sound Like an Idiot: “I kind of assumed Cash Money Records was in financial trouble, but Birdman looks terrible in this documentary.” Insightful Comment You Should Say Instead: “Don’t you think the continuous-take gimmick pairs nicely with Michael Keaton’s self-parody in this film? Together, they form a Mőbius strip that strongly argues that life does imitate art.”
Boyhood
The Grand Budapest Hotel
Basic Premise: The audience follows a boy (a real boy!) as he grows from a child to a young adult, unlike that stupid Peter Pan. What You’ll Say That’ll Make You Sound Like an Idiot: “Editing 12 years of footage must be a real bitch. I had a hard time cutting 50 words out of my 5-page paper, so I just made the margins a little smaller.” Insightful Comment You Should Say Instead: “What a truly brave directorial choice this was. Given everything we know about what can go wrong on a movie set, spanning that agony over 12 years really does merit some hardware, don’t you think?”
Basic Premise: The Graduate meets Ocean’s Eleven, but substitute dark humor of post-college ennui with the twee stylings of Wes Anderson. What You’ll Say That’ll Make You Sound Like an Idiot: “Voldermort looks totally ridiculous with that fake nose/moustache combo. This movie sucks.” Insightful Comment You Should Say Instead: “I can’t believe Anderson has found a way to use humor to skewer dictatorships big and small, whether it’s an overbearing government, or an overbearing hotel administrator. In the end, both parties find new and interesting ways to alienate those forced to live under them.”
The Imitation Game
Selma
Basic Premise: A British WWII hero helps defeat the Nazis, only to face prosecution for homosexuality by the very government he saved. What You’ll Say That’ll Make You Sound Like an Idiot: “This movie is stupid, who cares about some British guy who cracked a code? Those Limey bastards would be speaking German right now if it wasn’t for us.” Insightful Comment You Should Say Instead: “Perhaps it was Alan Turning’s disguising of his sexuality that allowed him to think of how similar misdirection applied to the Nazi coding system.”
Basic Premise: Martin Luther King Jr. What You’ll Say That’ll Make You Sound Like an Idiot: “I wish that Martin Luther King Jr. was white, that way we’d already have a biographical movie made about him. Wait, that didn’t sound racist in my head.” Insightful Comment You Should Say Instead: “The film’s portrayal of Lyndon B. Johnson is immaterial. This movie isn’t about one man or two men, but rather an idea—a movement—that changed America.”
The Theory of Everything
Whiplash
Basic Premise: Handsome Stephen Hawking (Eddie Redmayne) faces a life-threatening motor neuron disease diagnosis. Hilarity Oscar Bait ensues. What You’ll Say That’ll Make You Sound Like an Idiot: “God, I hope this movie has some trippy shit about space, because if I have to see a hot girl nuzzle up to a cripple for two hours, I’m gonna puke.” Insightful Comment You Should Say Instead: “I think The Theory of Everything shows that, even though paralysis can affect everything we can see, it’s the ethereal, the mind, emotion, love, that truly win the day in the face of seemingly insurmountable odds.”
Basic Premise: “Only steers and queers play jazz drums, Private Pa Rum Pum Pum Pum, and you don’t look like much of a steer to me!” What You’ll Say That’ll Make You Sound Like an Idiot: “Could there be any more black shirts in this movie? It’s like those freakin’ band kids never grow up.” Insightful Comment You Should Say Instead: “I found this film an enlightening exploration into the discipline required for the creation of art. Too often, I think, non-artists look at the creative process as a medium for extemporaneous expression, which it obviously isn’t. Using jazz, a free form medium, is just icing on the cake.”
Jake Gyllenhaal plays a weirdo who builds cred in the news community by recording—and eventually manipulating—accidents and crime scenes. Atmospherically intense and creepy, it’s like you’re watching one of the car crashes he films: You know something horrible is about to happen, but you can’t take your eyes off of it.
This isn’t a “throw a drink in your face” bitches be trippin’ kind of movie, it’s more of, “ruin your entire life and use your own faults as a man against you” bitches be trippin’ kind of movie. It’s awesome. And there’s a bloody sex scene, too, which will make you question your taste in erotica.
2014 will go down as the Year of Chris Pratt. Was there a more fun movie in 2014? (Hint: No) Action, hilarity, well-imagined aliens, worlds and villains—plus an anthropomorphized tree and raccoon. Just because this wasn’t a snore-fest 3-hour bio doesn’t mean it’s not one of the best movies of the year.
BARTENDER of the WEEK Relationship Status: Taken Major: Music Favorite Drink: Lagunitas Favorite Shot: Tequila Disgusting Drink: Anything sweet Where’s the best place to hide in this bar?: Under the stairs, most people don’t know how to get back there. What’s a drink you know exists, but have no idea how to make?: A buttery nipple.
NIKKI of FORT SANDERS YACHT CLUB
Is there anything a freshman should know by now that he probably doesn’t know by now?: Stay the f*ck outta here. What’s the best late-night food item in Knoxville?: Jimmy John’s
Which US state is worst, and why?: Alabama. Because Alabama. Is there anything a flying ninja kick can’t solve?: Knoxville’s homeless problem. What’s a chip flavor that should be invented, but hasn’t been invented?: Bacon fat. How do you live with yourself after everything you’ve done to her?: Drink a lot. Why should people read The Black Sheep?: So they know to come here.
THE DRINKING GAME
RECIPE FOR DISASTER
SPIKED OR SIMPLE?
S’MORE OF THAT HOUSE FIRE
Ah, so you think you have a discerning palate, huh? We’ll see about that. Can you taste the difference between Diet Mountain Dew, and Diet Mountain Dew with vodka? Who knows!
Listen, it’s way too cold outside to start a bonfire. Plus, you live in an urban area, and the fuzz isn’t too keen about out-of-control fires in the area. But look at you, yearning for some sweet, sweet s’mores. What’s a boy to do? Well, find out.
What You’ll Need: A big ol’ jug of vodka, some Solo cups and a variety of mixers. Number of Players: 3+ Level of Intoxication: Hey, shut up, this one’s kinda boozy.
What You’ll Need: Hershey’s chocolate bars, graham crackers, marshmallows, a stick. Fatty Factor: S’more of the holiday belly fat for you, fatso.
How to Play: -Begin by having one volunteer set up the table, while the participants hang out in another room, or something. -Look at however many mixers you have. Now, set up twice the number of Solo cups on the table. Number pairs of cups on the bottom, so there’s two cups with each number. -Fill half of the Solo cups with a shot of vodka. Keep half of them empty. -Fill each cup with approximately 8oz of mixers, so that there are sets of two cups, each set representing a mixer: one with alcohol and one without. -Bring the players into the room. -Have each player take a drink of each set and guess which drink has alcohol and which one doesn’t. -Players who correctly identify the boozy drink may hand out a drink to another player. Incorrectly guessing a drink costs the player a drink. The Game Ends When: “Everything tastes the same, man. Everything tastes the same!”
DOWNLOAD OUR FREE APP FOR ALL THE GAMES!
Let’s Get Baked: -Listen, you know how to make s’mores, we’re not going to tell you to do your job. -Wait, what do you mean this needs to be like, 250 words? Ok, here we go. -Prep by placing all of your materials near your oven, but keep them away from your stovetop so they don’t start on fire. -Break a graham cracker in half and place six Hershey’s chocolate bar pieces on one of ‘em. -Slap a marshmallow on whatever kind of stick you have laying around. -Crank one of the burners on your stove top to high. -Once it’s nice and red-hot, hold the marshmallow over the coil, rotating it regularly until all sides are brown. -Place the browned mallow on the chocolate, place the half of the graham cracker on top, smoosh and enjoy. -Oh yeah, turn that burner off. As you indulge in memories of that time the camp councilor let you sit on his lap in a totally non-sexual way, indulge in this delightful treat, as well. Fire and chocolate isn’t just summer time fun anymore.
NOMNOMNOM AT THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM
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WHAT SHOULD Yik YakDURING Comedian FINALS WEEK Too MuchYOU Time at Home hasREALLY Students BE DOING DOWNLOAD OUR FREE iPHONE AND ANDROID APP
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Asking “What’s My Age Again?”
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is the perfect time to catch up on all those amazing shows they keep talking about like breaking bad, mad men and Knoxville – game After of a thrones. semesterOr,totaling up to a Sunday afternoon Netflix binge,” commented you could just choose to catch upnearly with the Kardashians. Should you UTK student Anonymous as he or she continuously refreshed 200,000 Yakarma, presumed choose to go this route, we’ll send you a noosehas freeannounced of charge, you Anonymous his or her plans Yik Yak after writing a post about everyone being know what to do. to “go legit” with his or her Yaking career in the back on campus. “Did you see my post about me form of(remember, stand up comedy. According to the self- being hungover on a Wednesday and having to go Or, if you’re looking far enough ahead past finals) you parents. This vicious condiproclaimed comic, it was right Since you’re not going to be productive – again, you’re not studycould coax yourself into the gym to work on your summer bod.after Not another Yik Yak to lecture regardless? Classic comedy.” tion is causing many UTK user commented, “lol so true,” onfor his or her last post ing for finals-- you have to find a way to pass the time. Hell, you’ve everyone had the opportunity to go somewhere super-awesome students to revert back to thatlost spurred the decision to takewill his or her comedy Anonymous is currently slated to appear at various procrastinated your way through every semester up until now and spring break, and many of those who out on the opportunity their highjust school selves.of. Remember, your parents don’t want go on a nice vacation following finals. you’ve done fine…kind Since our society tells us that open mics on campus where he or she will do a five to the professional realm. you to succumb to peer pressure, and just because everyone is doit’s just not right for you to go to the beach without a proper set of minute set met with lukewarm reception and a sea understand ” Mall.have to do it too. Symptoms tomean you ing it, (studying)first thatbegan doesn’t abs or flathim. stomach bared proudly, gymSpongeBob and do some “Ashead soonto as the my first quote post hit 300 of exasperated, “A-ha”s. take hold during the early cardio, work on abs, check out theupvotes, opposite sex, and and I knew I wasswim… going to be by a hit,” commented Biology The other I tried to aget Classes which means to getday your ass to party, UTK “swim” weProfessor mean “tan by the pool.“ partsare of over, syllabus week. A you need Anonymous. “I figured, you know, if I can get over pronto. You’ve made it a whole semester fi lled with studying, stupid Minka Larinov says that him to go to Chipotle with noticeable uptick in Hol300 people to passively tap an arrow group projects and essays galore, and to treat‘You yourself UTK And if you’reare thinking scientists almostto yourself, “Man, I really need to start study- of approval, menow andit’s hetime screamed lister and Abercrombie to get same on stage?” withsales, a party full of beer, music, dancing and denying you still have ing,” stop. Have you forgotten why you not alsotry need tothat catch up reaction with ready to begin testing their as well large amounts can’t tell me what to do!’ responsibilities. And think about how awesome everything is going friends? How many times did you blow off your friends because new experimental vaccine and stormed out of the of “he-said she-said” gossip to be: Volapalooza and Fort Sandershouse. Fest will belooked this weekend, you had this to do schoolwork instead? Is it more than zero? is your From relatable postsThis about being ironically angsty ” She down, and to combat from students and were even if you think Volapalooza will be lame, what with Tyga’s “Rack chance to reconnect with your friends and onabout some “the awesome alone to go ones THOTsimat Yacht Club rn,” condition, with those in the ashamed. “He even fights originally thought to be an City” failing to dump those tens and twenties on your titties, think of promptu adventures. Go on a safari through theYik shady side ofhave Knoxyou do, it’s more important than studying. Especially if it Anonymous’ Yak posts beenWhatever celebrated community refertocould sit at the ‘cool table’ classes science anomaly, but canparties no longer all the amazing after that you crash. 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Or what about the cooking, bullshit Vans-wearing boyfriend John. “He keeps up on a lot ofme TV.to You know those mutant friends who are somehow go drunken night.regular, Reward yourself with actual don’t cook? “It an really just meal. comesYou naturally to me when I’mneeds eithera degree when you can work as a fry guy at McDonalds? who back to their to Blink-182, discussing ditching hang out able to keep up with all their schoolwork while spending hours upon Well, learn. Go on the internet and type in “food recipe, plz lol,” Screw studying, there’s a whole new world out there for you right mindlessly blacked out on a Thursday night or on Tumblr-ridden lives.” how his parents “just don’t at Hot Topic in East Towne hours keeping up with all their shows. We know they suck, but now Google may not get the last half of it, but the first part is a shoe-in. now!
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THE MADLIB THE MADLIB THE MADLIB THE MADLIB THE MADLIB THE MADLIB THE MADLIB
LET’S TEAR UP THIS BANGER! Even though it’s only a ___1___ night, I’m always down to get a little turnt. Pounding some ___2___s, slamming some ___3___ girls, you know, the usual. It’s ___4___ sister’s friend’s neighbor who’s in ___5___, and she’s turning 21. Who doesn’t love a good shitshow birthday, amirite? Since getting my fake ID for Christmas I’m bringing a fifth of ___6___ vodka and a fifth of ___7___ because bitches love that shit. I’m also going to stop at ___8___ and pick up a new button-up, and just tell people it’s from ___9___because everyone will be too drunk to know the difference. Hey, maybe I’ll really impress them and bring some ___10___, everyone loves fire! Should I pick up some helium balloons, inhale some, and do my infamous ___11___ impression? Yeah, bruh, probably. Every girl loves ___12___ because it reminds them of their childhood, and then they start talking about ___13___ and then they got all excited, and that’s good for the dudes, know what I’m saying? I also heard that ___14___ is going to be there, and that she can twerk better than ___15___ and ___16___ combined. Maybe I should make a playlist just in case the party isn’t popping enough. You know, some ___17___, some ___18___, and ___19___, the bitches love her. Of course I’ll throw on ___20___ to really get them asses bouncin’. Finna get laid tonight! I better wash my ___21___ sheets and make sure I have ___22___on hand for when I bring the party home. Birthday parties are the best!
WORD BANK 1) Weekday 2) Shitty beer 3) Freshman dorm 4) Your roommate 5) “Fun” sorority 6) Flavor 7) Unusual liqueur 8) Grocery store 9) High-end designer 10) Type of firework 11) Cartoon character 12) Cartoon from #11
13) Popstar from your childhood 14) Hottie on campus 15) Hot celebrity female 16) Old by hot celebrity female 17) Overplayed EDM artist 18) Classic rock band 19) Classic popstar 20) Bangin’ rap song 21) Cartoon from #11 22) Drunk food
15
SIX DEGREES OF SEPARATION
LENA DUNHAM
CRAIG ROBINSON Can you believe that Lena Dunham and Craig Robinson are connected in 6 steps? It's so crazy! Do you know how? Tweet us your answers or send us the breakdown at classtime@theblacksheeponline.com. If you’re right, you’ll win a prize!
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