Volume 5
The Black Sheep
just Free! from Like gro eatin cery g d stor inne e sa r mp les.
The College Newspaper That's Actually About College
Issue 2
Fall Breakers: A UTK Sequel Scott Hannah wrote this After the critical success of 2012’s Spring Breakers, Annapurna Pictures has decided to green-light a sequel, and The Black Sheep got our hands on a copy of the script. So without further ado, we give you, our loyal readers, the synopsis of the sequel: Fall Breakers. The sequel film keeps the same character setup of four young female friends: Emma (played by Emma Stone), Kaitlyn (played by Emma Watson), Allison (played by Jennifer Lawrence), and Emma (played by Shailene Woodley). There’s also an older male character who takes advantage of them named Brett (played by Jonah Hill). Fall Breakers begins with a montage of the girls growing up together through home videos and pictures and such. They’ve always gone to school together and they all got into the same college—could it be? Yes, it’s the University of Tennessee! Now they all live together in Humes Hall as they discuss what they’re going to do on their first fall break in college. They finally decide to get away from all the partying and craziness and spend the extra-long weekend camping in the nearby Smoky Mountains. The gals drive up and have a blast their first night camping outdoors, reminiscing about old times and telling scary stories, before they hit the hay for another day of hiking. However, after spending the next day exploring, they return to find their tents and all their supplies missing. They wander for an hour looking for their stuff when they run into Brett, a late-twentysomething who lets them use his extra large tent and shares his food with them. The next day the girls get to know Brett, who’s spending a weekend outdoors to get away from the work world and to have some alone time away from the wife and kids. The girls ask Brett if there is anything they can do to repay him. He tells them he needs to find some young people to run a booth for at a nearby food expo, and the four girls agree before he has a chance to say that he works for Chik-fil-A. When they find out they are conflicted: they clearly owe him for what he did for them, but should they really give up all their morals and work for a company with such little social consciousness? Afraid of the consequences of not helping out Brett, namely a guilty conscience, they decide to help him but agree to never talk about it. After volunteering at the expo the girls are getting ready to leave, but Brett asks for one more favor: to help him sabotage an event hosted by KFC. Still feeling the rush of doing something bad, Emma and Emma agree to go with him, while Kaitlyn and Allison return home, not wanting anything more to do with the Brett. Once Brett, Emma, and Emma pull up to the KFC event, some of the KFC cronies recognize Brett, opening fire with submachine guns. Brett’s hit—he goes down. The Emmas, now hell-bent on avenging Brett—proceed forward in a haze of gunfire, disarming the guards and killing them all the way up to the Colonel Sanders himself. Sanders shoots one of the Emmas in the arm—it’s not really clear which one—before he’s gunned down Scarface-style. As they make their way out past all the bodies, they each kiss Brett’s dead body before riding off in Colonel Sanders’ Model T.
PAGE 5 JIMMY JOHN’S BREACH AFFECTS THOUSANDS OF PARENTS’ CREDIT CARDS IT’S TIME TO COOL IT ON THE TURKEY TOMS.
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PAGE 6
PAGES 10-11
TOP 10: THINGS UT COULD BE TOP 25 IN
THE BLUZZSHEED
HEY, AT LEAST WE HAVE THE LARGEST CONCENTRATION OF CONCRETE!
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OCTOBER 2nd, 2014 - OCTOBER 15th, 2014
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A FEW MORE WAYS
BEAT OUR CAPTION!
TO KILL SOME TIME.
THE GROSS SEX EUPHEMISM OR SERIAL KILLER NICKNAME GAME!
THE NIGHT CALLER “This is what it looks like when the sex industry gets its hands on genetic engineering.” Tweet us a better caption and win a prize!
WORD of the WEEK
BRILLIAIN’T A word used to describe something one initially thinks is genius, only to later discover that it isn’t.
When I initially thought of this fake word I thought it was brilliant, now I know it’s just brilliain’t.
The above phrase is either a gross sex euphemism or a serial killer’s nickname. Which is it? Let us know by tweeting us your answer. If you’re right, you’ll win a prize! Check back next week for this week’s answer!
GUESS THE REALITY TV STAR! Whatever your dirty pleasure may be, don’t deny you watch reality TV. To the left is a silhouette of a reality TV star, and below are three clues as to who the person is. Let us know who you think it is by tweeting us your answer. If you’re right, you’ll win a prize!
1
Dropped out of high school at 16.
2
Is functionally illiterate.
3
Born in High Point, North Carolina.
# # #
PLAY WITH US! @BLACKSHEEP_UTK
AROUND CAMPUS
Haunted Apartments Replacing Haunted Hospital Austin McLaurine wrote this
Across the Henley Street Bridge stands an abandoned hospital, full of enough ghost stories to start another Goosebumps series. Currently in a state of dilapidation, debris surrounds the building. What is being planned to take this awful building’s place? A shiny set of new apartments, of course. If you’ve watched the Travel Channel during October, you should know that living in a building that used to be any type of medical facility is a big no-no. To find out more about this gruesome site and what would be in store for any brave future occupants, we sent out our interns with some flashlights (batteries not included) and water (ghosts don’t like water, right?) and told them to get the scoop about the haunted hospital. They came back pretty rattled, but we also didn’t provide them transportation from the hospital and they had no idea where they were. While inside, they heard eerie noises constantly, which sounded almost like car engines. No matter where they went in the building, they could hear the dull roar of internal combustion. They noted it got louder near the windows. The building itself was pretty cold, which we think is definitely a supernatural presence. At one point, a visible entity was both seen and heard, but was discovered to just be a raccoon taking a dump on a pile of trash. Another time, one of the interns reported that she heard some incomprehensible babbling, but it turned out to be the sound of the jackhammer mixed with the rap music nearby construction workers were blasting. In one wing of the building, numerous old test papers were found strewn about the room. Our interns claimed they could hear the harrowing screams of students reaching rock bottom within the walls of the sordid dungeon. They theorized that these were the remains of students who now live lives of madness after failing Chem 120 for the third time. The area was blessed by one of our interns (he got his minister’s license from a guy on eBay) and they continued their expedition. The group met their most harrowing sight when they rounded the corner on the 5th floor of what is said to have been the surgery wing: an entire hallway full of discarded Alabama gear! In the years since it was abandoned as a hospital, it seems that the building has been used as a dumpsite for embarrassed ‘Bama fans—or possibly
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former ‘Bama fans that the powers of Butch have converted into Vol fans. We can only guess, but the sight of so much crimson and Houndstooth sent our interns (understandably) running for the hills, or more specifically, back to Rocky Top to remove that awful image from their memory. Not convinced that living in this house of horrors is a bad idea? Go ahead, move in. Imagine waking up and hopping in the shower, only to have a long-dead doctor start bonesawing your arm off. Now that’s a bad way to start your Monday. Plus, you’ll be living with the ghosts of ‘Bama fans’ past, and no Vol wants to be associated with that. It will give us more to write about when you come running out screaming about how some dude whispered to you in your sleep about shotgunning your roommate (though this could just end up being a homeless guy).
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Jimmy John’s Breach Affects Thousands of UTK Students’ Parents’ Credit Cards Staff wrote this
KNOXVILLE – Students in HIST 149 reported that freshman Mike Donaldson brilliantly brought up a fact he learned in a different class Tuesday morning.
KNOXVILLE – Jimmy John’s is the latest victim in credit card breaching.
Donaldson, 18, said he had remembered the small tidbit from his high school American history class last year.
The fast-food giant’s initial reports estimate that thousands of University of Tennessee students’ parents’ credit card information may have been breached. “This is ridiculous,” freshman Joanna Douglass told reporters outside of the Tin Roof. “Now how am I supposed to get Subway for dinner tonight? And my friends asked me to go out later too.” A MasterCard spokesperson told The Black Sheep that the company has received over 6,000 calls from complaining students in the past 36 hours – all looking to find answers as to just how the Earth will continue to spin without the orbit of endless cash from their parents’ bank account. “We’re dealing with a lot of screamers,” a Visa representative told reporters Tuesday. “There was one girl who actually came to the office, was denied a transfer from her mother’s bank account, and then smashed her phone on the floor. Then she started to cry because she realized she had to wait for overnight shipping on the new phone her dad just bought her.”
Brilliant Student Brings Up Tidbit Learned in Other Class “The professor said something about how John F. Kennedy was one of the youngest presidents in United States’ history, and then it just clicked in my head that he was just 46 years old when he died,” Donaldson said. “When I said how old he was when he got shot, it really put things in perspective for the rest of the class.” Witnesses outside the class room heard a collective gasp and cheering from inside the room where students were both impressed and thankful for the extra nugget of knowledge.
According to a recent campus study in light of the fiscal crisis, student’s mental health has drastically decreased. Many are beginning to view life as “meaningless without an unlimited pipeline of money.” “It’s like... I still wake up in the morning, but I just know I can’t go out and buy a new TV for my dorm, so what’s even the point?” sophomore Jerry Taylor said. “Like, yeah, I can try to spice up the day with a run or chatting with my roommate or something, but it’s just not the same feeling you get when someone swipes your card on a register. It was exhilarating – especially when you knew there was no end in sight. Now, it’s all gone. I barely even have enough money for House of Dragon every Tuesday and Thursday nights. It’s embarrassing.”
“He showed some really great potential in that moment,” professor John Stackhouse told reporters after class. “I think he can get an A in this class. With a brain like that, it’s hard not to imagine that he’ll be teaching this class one day.” Donaldson said he hasn’t yet thought about one day taking over the University of Tennessee’s history department, but the prospective thought of one day leading the field in ground-breaking research is one he’s proud of. “I mean, yeah, I have a good memory but it’s no big deal,” Donaldson said, leaning back in his chair with an open copy of America: How It Came to Be on his chest. “Maybe one day I’ll use my knowledge to inspire students in the classroom, but for right now it’s all about inspiring my fellow classmates one little factoid at a time.” Staff wrote this
OH SHIT, REAL TALK
THE TOP TEN Things UT Could Be Top 25 In The University of Tennessee: home of orange and a never-ending quest for the Top 25. It’s been four years since UT launched their t25 initiative, an endeavor aiming to catapult UT into the top 25 public university rankings. In the four years since, UT has yet to even come close to achieving this. So what’s there to take pride in? Here are the top 10 things UT would most definitely be top 25 in. 10.) Parking tickets given: Sometimes finding a parking spot on this campus has worse odds than winning the lottery, and the parking cops aren’t helping any. If you dare to park your car next to a faded-as-hell yellow curb or were in the 15-minute loading zone for 16 minutes, you’re bound for ticket-town, no excuses.
I SHOULDN’T BE ALIVE UT Edition Alex Harward wrote this
It is a dark and stormy night. At 3 a.m. a young student at the University of Tennessee finally decides to leave Hodges Library to make the grueling trek back to her place in the Fort. Walking outside with her headphones in, exhausted, she’s about to cross the street when suddenly, out of nowhere, a giant blur of orange whizzes by. The student barely has time to jump out of the way before she registers what just occurred. Her small, sleep-deprived body lays on the sidewalk stunned and grateful to still be breathing. As she sits up and attempts to recover, she looks around and realizes it was the UT’s trusty bus service, the “T,” that almost claimed her life. She waves her fist wildly around in anger and screams, “I wish you hit me bitch, free tuition for me, ha ha!” This is I Shouldn’t Be Alive: UT Edition. The “T” near hit-and-run is just one of many common near-death experiences a UT student will face during her four years here. With the surrounding danger all about Rocky Top, it’s a blessing that so many people even make it to graduation. From skateboards to scooters, bikes to busses, plus the thousands of pedestrians, it’s a miracle any Vols get to their classes without getting run over. Said sophomore Blake Fakesly: “Walking to my class on the Hill one day and going over the pedestrian bridge, I found myself unable to move through the throng of people leaving class on the Hill headed in the opposite direction. I was horrified, afraid that in their rush to get to their next class across campus the horde would trample me alive. It—it was like a human stampede.”
Aside from getting hit by a bus (or other students), Rocky Toppers are always anxious due to the stressed placed on them by the administration. In Chancellor Jimmy Cheek’s attempt to gain “Top 25” public university status, he has amplified concerns for student health. We found harrowing evidence that Adderall and Vyvanse drug rings have popped up all over campus in an attempt to sate the needs of studyholic students: $5 a pop and you’re exam ready, they claim. Dangerous side-effects of this administration’s unrealistic goals include nervousness, restlessness, excitability, dizziness, headache, fear, anxiety, and tremors—deadly tremors—according to a hasty Google search. Yes, this campus has been notorious over the years for a variety of reasons, and none of them, except for national title in ’98, are good. While getting run over by a bus or relying on ADHD medicine to pass your tests are both serious problems, the biggest problem on this campus is trying to live up to the school’s storied party history. For instance, the infamous butt-chugging incident of 2012 has led to numerous copycat frat boys, none of whom were willing to be named. This phenomenon can lead to serious health risks, such as alcohol poisoning, rectal tearing, and constant humiliation for the rest of your days, which probably leads to depression. As UT students will inevitably find out, one needs to be careful what you wish for and your needs to be prepared for any and all situations. The reality of life on this campus is dangerous. And that’s it for this special edition of I Shouldn’t Be Alive: UT Edition.
9.) Largest concentration of concrete: Most campuses are covered with grassy quads and forested courtyards. But a long time ago, the bigwigs at UT decided concrete would be much better. We’re so used to concrete that we call Presidential Courtyard a courtyard simply because it has a few trees on a big slab of beautiful grey concrete. 8.) Most inflated price of food: UT offers convenient P.O.D. markets all over campus for students to purchase basic sundries, snacks, and drinks – great, right? Until you’re paying $20 for a Hot Pocket and Mountain Dew. Do you want that new car or Bagel Bites? You can’t have both. 7.) Longest continuous construction: There’s pretty much never been a time that this campus hasn’t been under construction. We imagine years from now the sound of a jackhammer or a bulldozer will fill us with nostalgia for our college days. As the old saying goes, the University of Tennessee: under construction since 1794. 6.) Most ridiculous police department: UTPD is renowned for their heroic work in managing those ever-so-dangerous pre-games in the Fort. Good ol’ UT, where jaywalking will get you berated by a cop as though you were flying down the highway drunk. Stay on the sidewalk, chumps. 5.) Most confusing campus structures: Three words: Ped Walkway Statue. And don’t forget about the library: from the outside it looks like a flight of stairs for giants – but on the inside it’s a labyrinth. Freshmen are known to explore the uncharted aisles on the fourth floor looking for a table only to disappear altogether. 4.) Most unfortunate reasons to be on the news: From a student body that rioted four years ago over the departure of a coach, to an incident that we will not speak of that involved a rear-end and a funnel, this school has been on the news a lot – and for the wrong reasons. And don’t forget about the Sex Week controversy making national news two years running. Here’s hoping for a three-peat! 3.) Highest rate of functioning drunks: Weekends (and some weekdays) on this campus are borderline anarchy with just about everyone at a high level of intoxication. Vols are always looking for excuses to down the sweet stuff. You took a test today? Who cares if it’s Monday? Crack one open. 2.) Most painful campus to walk on: By the time you’re a senior here your calf muscles are bulging. We go to a school that’s truly unique in that it’s a place where you can walk uphill both ways (yes, sometimes in the snow, hail, and/or rain- but mostly just when it’s inhumanely hot). 1.) Most enthusiastic fan base: It’s a football school in a football-obsessed city in a football-obsessed state. And even after two back-to-back losing seasons fans are running around drunk and selling out games as if the team just won a championship. Knoxville may very well burn to the ground when the Vols return to the glory days – and we’ll be ready.
Cory Chitwood wrote this
06
PARTY PICS
Tweet us your #partypics, or send them to pics@theblacksheeponline.com
ON THE STREETS If you were stranded on a desert island with only what’s currently in your backpack, what’s the weirdest thing you’d be stuck with?
MATTHEW “The strangest thing would be an underground map of Paris.”
ANNABEL “I have a sonic screwdriver for my Quidditch broom.”
AUSTIN “The weirdest thing would be a bucket filled with airsoft pellets.”
07
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Thursday
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Friday
Jazz Night 9pm! Happy Hour 3-7pm: $2 Pints, $5 Appetizers 10/3: Vance Thompson 10/10: Pamela Klicka
Burrito Mexicano $6.75 Show/Mention Special to Get It!
$3 Domestic Bottles $4 High Gravity Beers $5 Walk Me Downs DJ Stan Upstairs
Saturday
Jazz Night 9pm 10/4: Will Yager Trio 10/11:Harold Nagge/ Alan Wyatt
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Monday
Variety of Vegetarian Options! Happy Hour 3-7pm: $2 Pints, $5 Appetizers
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Closed for Private Parties Please Come In to Inquire
Tuesday
Happy Hour 3-7pm: $2 Pints, $5 Appetizers
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Closed for Private Parties Please Come In to Inquire
Wednesday
Jazz Night 9pm Happy Hour 3-7pm: $2 Pints, $5 Appetizers 10/8: Nick Swafford 10/15: Garritt Tillman
Nacho Supreme $5.99 Show/Mention Special to Get It!
American Night $2 Bud and Bud Lights $4 Wild Turkey Honey $5 American Harvest $5.99 Burgers
He knows the cheapest drinks in town and more drinking games than you could ever play.
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THE BAR GRID Happy Hour! Mon.-Fri. 3pm-7pm: $4.95 App Menu, $1.50 Domestic Drafts, $1 off Premium Drafts and Bottled Beer, $2.75 Well Liquors, $1 off wines by the Glass and $3 House Wines
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SPECIAL NIGHT
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Thursday
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Friday
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Saturday
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$5 Bud Light & Yuengling Pitchers $7 Micro Pitchers
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Sunday
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Three 3-Topping Pizzas for $21
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Monday
1/2 Price Large Beer Dough Pizza, $2 Domestic Drafts FREE to play Poker 6pm and 7:30pm
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$1 Off Drafts before 8pm $2 Yuengling
Tuesday
Seafood Specials and 1/2 off Bottled Wines 3-10pm $2 Domestic Drafts
2 Calzones for $12
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Wednesday
Comedy Show at 7pm and Live Music After
Comedy Show at 7pm and Live Music After
The BluzzSheed Buzzfeed has made a name for itself by posting gifs and pictures that go viral, and to be honest we’re a bit put off here at The Black Sheep. What they do isn’t very hard, you’ve just got to find a random number of pictures and a sentence that any schmuck can relate to, just like a horoscope. To prove our point that we are the superior media conglomerate, we’ve tried our hand at their little game. Without further ado, we present The Black Sheep image-with-quote spectacular! Banana Boy wrote this
4 Pictures That Will Remind You That You’re Just a Speck and What’s The Point of Taking That Midterm And What’s the Point of Anything Really Look at us just floating out there.
5 Sloths Blissfully Unaware Their Homes Are Being Destroyed to Make Paper This idiot’s smile won’t last long.
Look how tiny we are. What’s the point?
This sloth’s tree is getting burned to the ground. This guy’s best friend just got frozen.
This guy’s home was destroyed so you could hold this paper in your hand. The guy’s family tree is now mulch for your garden.
All those people look like ants. Are our lives really worth more than theirs?
According to Men in Black, aliens play marbles with our galaxy, why shouldn’t we play more?
6 Monkeys Wearing Dresses That Share 99% of our DNA So It’s Not Weird To Find Them Attractive
She’s scared of you, too.
I’ve got a thing for famous actresses.
3 Babies That You’ll Never Believe Turned Into Assholes
Get a load of that smile.
Maybe not a 10 but a 6 at least.
Check out that cleavage!
She’d totally bang her boss to get a raise.
These 6 Squirrels Wearing Hats Make You Realize How Much You Miss Your Mom
This asshole committed arson.
These two assholes stole 15 million dollars.
This little prick started World War II.
Remember going to the Fourth of July parade with her?
Remember when she used to make you sandwiches?
Remember when she’d get you ready to go out in the snow?
Remember when she told you to stay away from Shriners?
You won’t see her on your birthday.
Remember watching Pan with her on VHS?
Peter
BARTENDER of the WEEK Relationship Status: Single • Major: Psychology Favorite Drink: Jack Daniels with a splash of water • Favorite Shot: Jager Disgusting Drink: I’m not a martini fan What aspect of bartending are you better than any other bartender at, and why?: I like to think I can shoot the shit with anybody about anything. Do you have a drink of your own creation? What’s in it?: We have something called the “money shot” that’s whipped cream vodka and St. Brendan’s in a cock shot glass.
MIKE of FORT SANDERS YACHT CLUB
THE DRINKING GAME DON’T PUKE IN YOUR SHOES! Hey you stupid, drunk idiot, don’t puke in your shoes. Aren’t you sick of that mushing between your toes every time you put your shoes on in the morning? Just aim to the left a little bit! What You’ll Need: Some sort of container (garbage can, mop bucket, not a pair of shoes, etc.) Number of Players: Two (Player one is the puker, player two cleans up and has a shitty night.) Level of Intoxication: High enough to need to puke in an odd item, low enough to have the capability to choose something other than your shoe. How to Play: - Go out to a bar and get accurately drunk enough to fall within our recommended “level of intoxication.” - Stumble back home (do NOT lose your shoes). - Arrive home and take off your shoes. - At this point, it may be good strategy to hide your shoes or throw them onto a high platform (shelf, top of the fridge) that way you can’t possibly puke in them. - Focus intently on your garbage can or bucket (do NOT look away). - When you finally have to puke, aim for the garbage can or bucket (may also be a good strategy to play with a teammate who can intercept your shoes from your path of puke). The Game Ends When: You puke (a win or loss is determined by whether you feel something warm and oddly comfortable in your shoes the next morning).
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Is there a liquor myth you know from personal experience to be false? Explain: You don’t have to wait until noon to have a drink! What are granny panties good for?: Use ‘em as a rag or run ‘em up a flagpole.
Besides M&M’s, what else melts in your mouth and not in your hand?: Hershey bars if you eat them quick enough. If we invented a word right now—say… “spladawnt”—what would you say it means?: Sounds like a shitty, hung-over morning. If you could have dinner with a famous person, living or dead, whose face would you wear and why?: Bob Marley, everybody would react kindly to him. Why should people read The Black Sheep?: It’s local, creative, and funny.
RECIPE FOR DISASTER WASHED-UP MASHED POTATOES Look at that shit. Do you see the spuds winding out of its side? It’s disgusting that a potato like that is even still around. Didn’t it know its time was up weeks ago and it should’ve just gone out on top when it was at its peak? Let’s get rid of this guy once and for all – get your oven mitts! It’s time to make some washed-up mashed potatoes. What You’ll Need: A sense of grit, determination, and nerves. This potato overstayed its welcome and you are NOT happy about it. Cook Time: As fast as possible, if we wait any longer it may start to root. Fatty Factor: Don’t worry about this; it’s all going to be worth it when it’s over. Let’s Get Baked: - Grab that son of a bitch and shave those gross growths off its side. Does it even think about how it looks when it goes out in public? - Snatch a pot and fill it with boiling-hot water. Then boil it some more. This guy isn’t making it out of here alive. - It’s time to truly embarrass the potato. Shave the skin off and leave it sitting bare on the counter. It didn’t have the self-respect enough to call it quits at the right moment, now look what it’s clinging on to – a life of naked worthlessness. - BOIL IT, BOIL IT, BOIL IT. - Watch it shrivel up like the washed-up potato it is. - Now throw it out in the trash. You’re not eating this recipe today, folks. This time it was all about setting things straight.
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How to Stop COCK-BLOCKING YOURSELF Staff wrote this
Do you constantly find yourself watching your potential lover’s back as they sprint away, rather than staring longingly into each other’s eyes? You, my friend, may be a serial self-cockblocker (or self vag-blocker; we don’t’ want to discriminate against sexualities). But fret not! Just because you were born with less game than Darko Milicic doesn’t mean you can’t develop a façade of suave! Here are a few simple steps to ease your journey. Step One: Play in Your Own League: The first step to putting a halt to the perpetual cockblock is to stop chasing people who are so clearly out of your league. You aren’t meant for most people everyone, and that’s okay! If he or she is a solid 8 and you’re a 3, then forget it. Yeah, you may have a great personality, but that doesn’t matter until you’re 50 and divorced. Stay within your league; you’ll notice your rejection rate decline by at least half.
Step Two: Check Your Laugh: Laughing is the heart and soul of all solid relationships. If your laugh sucks, nobody is going to point to you and say, “Yes, that is my person.” Remember Chandler and that one lady from Friends? Yeah, she was awful. Don’t be her. Change it if you have to. Practice for hours until you’ve achieved the perfect chortle. YOUR LAUGH IS IMPORTANT. IF YOU SOUND LIKE A DYING GOAT, FETCH WILL NOT HAPPEN! Step Three: Stop Trying To Make FetchText Happen: Yes, we live in the day and age of constant communication, but since we’re assuming you’re clingy and not very witty, let them text you. This will give the aura that you don’t care (which will automatically make you more appealing) and it won’t give you the opportunity to cockblock yourself. However, if they do actually engage you in text convo…
Step Four: Consult Everyone and Anyone Before You Respond: Sure, it’ll take longer for you to respond, but this adds the mystery you’ve been lacking. This also will prevent you from sending embarrassing three-page texts after they just asked you a simple, “what’s up?” Just make sure your text-checkers aren’t fellow self-cockblockers. Step Five: Stop Oversharing on Social Media: Anyone you get involved with is going to be crazy. This is guaranteed. However, in order to hide your brand of insanity for as long as possible, stop posting every fucking emotion, thought, and update on the interwebz. If you’re lucky enough to have your potential lover as a friend on Facebook or if they happen to follow you on Twitter, be cautious about what you share. In fact, Google “witty statuses” and only post your accomplishments (or fake accomplishments; who has to know?).
IF YOU DON’T START FOLLOWING US
WELL, YOU’LL JUST BE
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Step Six: Inflate their Ego: People love to talk about themselves. Bitches love compliments. Utilizing these two principles is guaranteed to up your game. Just don’t talk about you or fish for compliments; they don’t care enough yet. Step Seven: Once You Know Your Own League, Know They’re Just As Shitty As You: We’re guessing that you’re not that attractive, funny, smart, or driven. That’s ok, not everyone can be as suave
as The Black Sheep, so stop trying to be. Just embrace your ugly, humorless, unintelligent self. If you exist, someone just like you exists too, and they’re just as scared of you as you are of them! So, you’re going to scare people regardless; just make sure you scare the right person! Whether you believe it or not, you can control your romantic destiny! Together, we can fight to put an end to self cock-blocking, one loser at a time.
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the WALK THROUGH CAMPUS madlib ___1___ is so alive in the fall! Just walking around campus and smelling the ___2___s and leftover ___3___, seeing the freshman skanks with their ___4___’s exposed groping the ___5___-year-old locals - god, they’re so cool - hearing the roar of the ___6___ bottles rolling into the gutter… I just love it all! As I walk past the bars, I just can’t help but feel a tingle in my ___7___ at the thought of finally downing a___8___ with a ___9___ and a ___10___ beer-back. Once I turn 21, everything will change. Sure, I could get a fake ID, but with this baby face, who’d believe it? Plus it’s so much better to wait, right? That’s pretty much my philosophy on everything, at least that’s what my mom wants me to do. Seeing all the lecture halls brimming with kids in front of their computers, reading up on ___11___, watching ___12___ do the Ice Bucket Challenge and seeing the hundreds of pictures of ___13___’s baby - who just turned three! - really gets me excited to hit up my remedial math class. I love creeping, er, watching over the shoulder of that cute ___14___ as she scrolls through page after page of Tumblr; I feel like I’m really getting to know her. Who needs math anyway? I’m an ___15___ after all! Finally flopping down on my lofted bed in ___16___ after a long day of learning is the icing on the cake of a classic college day. Hitting up ___17___ with my ___18___-loving roommate is always a highlight, mostly because we get high (heh) off of his sick ___19___ and then light (heh) a doobie on the walk over there, and just go hard on some ___20___ and ___21___. Freshman 15, my butt! It’s really these simple days that make me appreciate how badass it is going to ___22___. So maybe I’ll spend another night watching ___23___ and hangin’ with my floor mates, but it’s all about the memories, man, all about the memories.
CLUE BANK
1) Your college town 2) Type of flower 3) Late-night food 4) Body part 5) 30-something age 6) Type of liquor
7) Body part 8) Strong mixed drink 9) Novelty shot 10) Average beer 11) Latest hashtag trend 12) Random old relative
13) Your (annoying) homecoming queen 14) Hair color 15) Your major 16) Freshman dorm 17) Campus cafeteria
18) 60s rock band 19) Smoking apparatus 20) Savory food 21) Type of cereal 22) Your university 23) Terrible reality show
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the wordsearch ALL ABOUT AUTUMN CLUE BANK Pumpkin Spice Latte • Whiskey Hot Toddy • Cider Caramel Apple • Cider Donuts Butternut Squash • Chili Beards • Football • Hoodies Flannel • Fleece • Scarves • Boots Foliage • Bonfires • Hayrides • Leaves
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