The Black Sheep
FR GR EE.. AN . LI DM KE A THE GI VE AD S Y VIC OU E Y ON OU SE R X.
• A COLLEGE NEWSPAPER THAT’S ACTUALLY ABOUT COLLEGE •
Volume 2, Issue 2 • 1/17/13 - 1/23/13
theblacksheeponline.com @blacksheepUTK
CATEGORIZING YOUR PROFESSORS LINDSEY FLECK WROTE THIS
A new semester means a new set of teachers. Professors can range from uptight bitches who’ve toiled their lives away in the world of academia, to the laid back ex-hippies. Either way, most professors fall somewhere in the middle of that spectrum, and here are a few you may run into this semester. The Cute Elderly: Don’t you just love it when on the first day the teacher wobbles in with a sweet little smile? These guys are clearly experienced and most of the time are good teachers. Granted, they know their shit and won’t put up with your idiotic questions, but it’s one of those giveand-take relationships that makes going to class worth it. Besides, these guys have been around forever so they know all the cool things that have happened in the world, and the cherry on the top is that since they are elderly they have license to say whatever the hell they feel like saying, and we can’t do anything about it. The ancient Greeks were right in having little boys for sex slaves? Whatever you say, Prof! The Grad Student/New Teacher: These two are pretty similar in that they either try to come across as a hard ass so they won’t be taken advantage of, or they act nice, like they want to be your friend. Either way they are new and easy to ignore, the only downside is that they can fight back with super hard tests and unfair grading. The Dispassionate Teacher: UT is a research school, and some teachers are here primarily because they want funding for their research and couldn’t care less about us poor students. These wonderful people just teach because it’s what the school tells them to do, and frankly they have no business teaching. They’d rather be in the lab than giving lip service to a bunch of hung over 22-year-olds, so they don’t put much effort into teaching in the first place. But you can be damn sure they’ll yell when the whole class fails their tests, making them look bad in the eyes of Grand Master Joe DiPietro. You can try all you want, but you can forget about asking for a 1 point boost to get you from a C+ to a B, because these bastards take pride in crushing less-educated blowhards like yourself. The Foreigner: There may be some fascination with an exotic teacher from another country, but unless they have been in America for about a decade, there’s a good chance you can’t understand their thick accent of [insert random country here.] Sure, ogling at them is all fun and games, but unfortunately you can’t pass a class unless you actually learn what they’re teaching. The Department Head: These professors are the worst because they believe they are giving students a gift for bothering to teach them instead of doing whatever it is department heads do. These guys have power over the other teachers in their little community and they definitely abuse it. Half of lecture is taken up by them talking about their own achievements, and the other half with making sure you know you’ll never be as good as them.
The Not So Funny Ones: These are the ones that make lecture even more awkward and depressing when they tell their “super funny” jokes. Instead of learning whatever they should be teaching, you sit in class feeling sorry for the poor sap who loves the fact that a pirate’s favorite amino acid is Arrrrrrginine. Sorry, but we’re actually paying for an education, not to be an unwilling audience for your terrible standup career. The Overly Enthusiastic Guy: This is the guy that is always happy and tries to make the most boring subject in the world interesting and fun. He even knows you’re only in the class because it’s required, but that doesn’t make him any less enthusiastic. Instead, you are a challenge and he feels obligated to make you feel as passionate about the class as he is. The good thing about overly enthusiastic guys is that they know students will be more fond of their subject if they pass, so he offers us a lot of extra credit. The One Who Knows No Boundaries: There is a line between what
we want to know about our teacher and what we don’t want to know. If you’re a sexy teacher, sure we’d appreciate knowing your relationship status - but we don’t need to know all the details like how Macbeth reminds you of the time you caught your bitch ex-wife in bed with another guy and now you’re broke because UT doesn’t pay you enough to cover the alimony. Look, we have 3 hours a week to learn shit, so unless your dark history of porn addiction is going to be on the test, please stick to the syllabus. You’ll run into all kinds of different teachers this semester. Some may be a mix of the two above (like an overly-enthusiastic foreign TA who is tragically unable to teach what she loves), and some might just be crotchety old men who stumble into class if only to keep collecting pay checks. But appreciate these different professor personalities, because they don’t differ much from the personalities you’ll find outside of academia, and God-willing, you’re going to fall into one of these categories some day as well.
what'’s inside HOW TO OVERCOME SPRING’S #UTPROBZ
TOP 10 EARLY SIGNS YOU SHOULD ABANDON A PROFESSOR
WE INTERVIEW: RYAN NORTH
A NEW SEMESTER MEANS NEW PROBLEMS TO COMPLAIN ABOUT ON TWITTER.
BECAUSE CHANGING YOUR MAJOR ISN’T AS HARD AS IT SHOULD BE.
WE GOT TO CHAT WITH CREATOR OF THE ONLINE DINOSAUR COMICS, AND SELF-DESCRIBED “FINAL BOSS OF THE INTERNET.”
PAGE 4
PAGE 5
PAGE 11
contents
Questions? Comments? Compliments? Insults? info@theblacksheeponline.com
PAGE 6: ENOUGH TO BREAK THE ICE
page 6
IF ONLY CLASS ICEBREAKING GAMES WERE A LITTLE MORE HONEST...
PAGE 7: FROM THE STREETS WOULD YOU BE A CAPTAIN AMERICA GOODY-GOODY OR A BADASS VILLAIN?
Table of
PAGES 10: 2013 EVENTS TO ENABLE YOUR EGO SCIENTIFIC ADVANCEMENT, ASTRONOMICAL CIRCUMSTANCES, AND EVEN RELIGIOUS DOCTRINE – ALL THINGS WE CAN TWIST INTO SERVING OUR OWN PERSONAL AGENDAS.
PAGE 12: BARTENDER OF THE WEEK HANG OUT WITH CLASSY BARTENDER JONSEY AT THE BEARDEN BEER MARKET.
PAGE 13: THE MADLIB: BACK TO SCHOOL A LITTLE SOMETHING’-SOMETHIN’ TO DO WHILE YOU’RE BORED IN CLASS.
page 12
page three p e e h S k c a l B e h T
Pic
of the
Week!
p p A e l i b Mo
GAMES G IN K IN R D RTY PICS | A P | S L IA BAR SPEC SCAN TO DOWNLOAD
THE iPHONE APP
SCAN TO DOWNLOAD
THE ANDROID APP
Sexy Anagrams
Everyone though Sarah was being sexual when she took shots, but tragically, it was because she lost her arms in a freak crossbow fight.
(Want to become famous next week?)
Send us your pic of the week at pics@theblacksheeponline.com
A HAH HAS SIR CARS NERD SIR
Do you know who these celebrity hotties are? Send your answers to anagrams@theblacksheeponline.com First five right answers get a prize!
LAST WEEK’S ANSWERS
Abby Elliott & Liam Hemsworth
word of the week Platidude:
An overly generic description of a college male. “Flynn likes to listen to the latest Macklemore album when he runs at the gym before meeting his friends and his side piece out on a Friday night. What a platidude.”
PAGE 4
THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM
HOW TO OVERCOME
SPRING’S #UTPROBZ
MERRY GeROUNDS WROTE THIS
There are more things right about this school than wrong: The beautiful campus, the semibeautiful people, and hell, sometimes the football team is okay. However, the problems UTK does have are big enough to cause students to habitually binge drink. On average, the spring semester is academically more difficult for students. Not necessarily because classes are harder, but because we’re trying to raise our GPAs from the mistakes of the fall. Yeah, we know, you were just having too much fun when it was all warm and horny, but now you’re royally screwed, and not in the Kate Middleton kind of way. Therefore, one should view spring semester as a reset button, one in which the looming mistakes from fall can be fixed with some actual work. Have a few too many eggnog concoctions over the holidays and need to get back in the swing of healthy alcoholism? Well, the TRECs is overcrowded with people who don’t know how to use anything that isn’t a TV remote for the first few weeks of the new year. Does Fat Amy taking up half of the track make you want to punch her in what she would refer to as a face? Avoid the stink of other people’s failure by running along the river and screwing the cold. Be THAT guy on campus who is shirtless when it’s 27 degrees, and maybe some lovely females will want to caress your diamond-cutter nipples. What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, and more likely to survive the amount of Rihanna music that you’ll hear when you’re able to return to TREC, after spring break. Apocalyptic campus is worse than ever. Not only is campus one big eyesore, but the construction makes it bitch to get around. Even more, the decreasing amount of walkable pathways makes it impossible to not run into those fall semester hook-ups and floor mates from the dorms freshman year. Most of the alternate escape ways through campus are no more, due to the craters of construction that limit your social ninja skills. UT is a small, small world and getting smaller. Work
to raise your standards on the weekends this semester, and running into people on the way to class just might be an enjoyable event, not a life-threatening embarrassment. Advice: don’t try to parkour your way around the cone zones – it’s not worth looking like a dumbass when you nose dive into a cement barrier. Parkour is better left to 26-year-olds who are trying to parkour their way out of their parents’ basement and into Youtube glory. Most of the problems this semester were here in the last, but that doesn’t mean you have keep bitching about it. If you don’t figure out ways to conquer the hurdles this school throws at you, you’ll inevitably become a pathetic ball of lard who watches parkour videos all day while eating your feelings. If you don’t man up, hit the gym, and walk to class with you chin held high you’ll never graduate and you’ll never be able to shove any success in your Facebook friends’ faces, other than your pathetically high skill points on Xbox Live.
ALTER EGO TATTOO & BODY PIERCING
7212 Kingston PK 865-300-0006
Fine Line Traditional Color Bomb Black & Grey Custom Work Photo Realistic Tribal
Mon.-Sat. 12:00 - 12:00 Sun. 12:00 - 8:00
Private Booths Auto Clave Sterile State Licensed Health Dept. Approved
“We’ll Get Under Your Skin”
The
Top 10
Early Signs You Should abandon a professor
200 Lowwood Drive | woodmeadesouth.com | (865) 573-8884
Having a great or terrible professor really makes or breaks a class, so we came up with ten tips to help you decide if you should drop a course based on the professor… before it’s too late. 10.) Ratemyprofessor.com lied about their hotness: Most of us have come to rely on not only the 4.3’s or 1.9’s we see on ratemyprofessor, but also on that little chili pepper that delegates hotness. How can we trust all the other ratings if the hotness scale was way off? It’s an obvious sign there has been some tinkering done, and you need to get out of there ASAP. 9.) They start class with a 30-minute rant about how half the class is going to drop out within the first week: C’mon, this is Intensive Ancient Greek. You have nothing to prove, and it will be a dead weight on your GPA. Just get out of there while you have the chance. 8.) They assign four different textbooks, and all are required: Most of us go into the first day of class hoping we won’t need to buy a textbook, or that we can at least get the cheap (read: free) online version. Unless you want to pay an extra $500 for books that won’t leave the bookstore bag you brought them home in, pick another class. 7.) They say it’s a speech or writing-intensive class: Sometimes classes wait to drop this bomb after everyone has settled into their seats. If you didn’t sign up for that shit and it’s not something you need to graduate, get out while you still can. 6.) They consistently can’t find the classroom: If your professor is late every day because they can’t traverse the maze of HBB or find Stokely, then it’s not worth your time to wait around for them. If we can do it, they can. You have better things to do with your time like sleep, and… sleep. 5.) Their tone of voice puts you to sleep: Especially if it’s not an 8 a.m., you should not stay in that class. If you can’t stay awake the first day, you definitely won’t later in the semester. We don’t want to listen to somebody who sounds like Ben Stein unless I’m in my room watching re-runs of Win Ben Stein’s Money. 4.) They dive right in to the textbook on the first day: Not only is this a jerk move because most students don’t get their textbooks until a week into class, but it’s also a sure sign they’re going to give you insane amounts of work. So instead of wanting to kill yourself, just get out. 3.) You’re in a 130-person lecture class and the professor speaks super quietly: If students have to ask the professor to repeat everything they say, you’re not going to learn anything other than how annoying that teacher is. 2.) They’re just plain mean: You know the type - they walk into the classroom and all happiness drains out of it, like a Dementor. They smell like they feed on the tears of college students and broken dreams. They snap at every question you ask. Leave. Leave now.
ns Spacious 1 & 2 Bedroom Floor Pla Private Patios & Balconies Wood Burning Fireplaces Walk-in Closets Washer & Dryer Connections
Two Pools Health & Fitness Center Additional Storage Available 24- Hour Emergency Maintenance We’re Pet Friendly!
1 MONTH FREE!MONTH LEASE
ITH A 12 ON ALL FLOOR PLANS W
NTOWN! W O D D N A T U M O FR S 5 MINUTE
1.) You recognize the professor because they hit on you at a bar: Awwwwkwarrrd… It’s best to get out of there before you’re recognized as well, creating a lot of sexual tension the other students might pick up on. Unless you think you can use this to your advantage, get out of there before the professor thinks you look tense, and in need of a good back rub.
EMILY HAGENBURGER WROTE THIS
APARTMENTS ! 0 2 6 $ T A G N I T R STA
PAGE 6
THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM
ENOUGH TO BREAK THE ICE SAMMIE SEA WROTE THIS Awkward, TA-induced icebreakers are the bane of a happy syllabus week. The fact that this is an issue at the college level is ridiculous in itself, as the entire concept of icebreakers is flawed. While TAs may have good intentions, these little “games” are nothing but a painful waste of time. Of course everyone would rather sit and do nothing in class instead of actual work, but icebreakers are just a torturous hour of listening to shit about people who you’ll never talk to again. The truth of the matter is that icebreakers just give people an opportunity to brag about themselves and exaggerate who they really are. Of course you’re going to talk yourself up. Who cares if your “Two Truths and a Lie” were really all lies if it makes you look good in front of the hot, new babes in the room? But think about it: Wouldn’t it be awesome if icebreakers were painfully honest? The awkwardness would be so palpable and entertaining. Then you’d really know who you’d want to be friends with and who you should probably stay away from. Embarrassing icebreakers like these would be enough to justify going to that 9 a.m. discussion. “Hey! So, my name is Brenda and I’m currently a junior. I am the social chair for DG, which is whatever. I really wanted to be the VP, but I lost to this one bitch. I’m totes kidding! I love all my sisters. Anyways, I’m originally from Indiana, but I moved to Tennessee with my mom when I was fourteen because of my dad’s alcohol problems. I tend to have a lot of daddy issues so I’m really trying to fill that void with anything, if you know what I mean.” *Winks* “Hey guys, my name is Mark. I’m a junior majoring in kinesiology. I’m not really sure what kinesiology is, but I’m an athlete so I’m sure my advisor will explain it to me before I graduate. I rarely attend class and when I do, I just scroll through my Facebook Timeline on my phone. If we’re in a group project together, there’s a good chance I will lie and tell you I have practice so you’ll end up doing the project alone. That way the project will be done right and I’ll still get the credit I deserve, you know, since I’m an athlete and all.” “Hi, I’m Ricky, and I’m studying communication because I was too lazy to commit to a real major and have no serious plans for my future. I’m socially awkward and usually just end up staring at girls creepily throughout lecture instead of talking to them. An interesting fact about me is that I collect vintage erotica and like to rummage through my roommate’s drawers and try on his clothes when he’s not home.”
“Hey there, my name’s Nicole and I’m a sophomore. I love to party, and I usually go out every night with my friends. I was in rehab twice in high school after multiple alcohol poisonings. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve had my stomach pumped! Last semester I had a pregnancy scare and a bout with Chlamydia, but I’m seriously not a slut. I just love to have a good time! YOLO, right? Let me know if you guys want to study together. I can never find time to finish the homework on my own.” “What’s up? My name’s Alex, and I’m an art and design major. I think the whole foundation of gen-eds is bogus because they don’t allow us to express our individuality and creativity. I spend a lot of time writing lyrics for my band, the Meat Murderers. We’ve had a few gigs at the Valarium, but we’re really trying to make it big. I use drugs to help me create my unique image but to label me as a stoner is just ignorant. I’m also a vegan. I will end up shoving my beliefs about animals and the legalization of marijuana down your throats.” Sure, hearing icebreakers like these would make syllabus week more of an awesome time than it already is. The problem sets in though when it’s your turn to speak. Who knows what that classroom is going to learn about you.
[PartyPics]
FROM THE STREETS Got a question you want us to ask? FTS@theblacksheeponline.com
What superhero or villain would you be and why? “Venom, because an organism binding with your body would be awesome.” - Clarence L., Sophomore
“Batman, because he is blessed with a wealthy lifestyle but uses it to better his community.” -Victoria V., Sophomore
“Captain America because he has values and makes sacrifices for others.” - Devery M., Junior
send your party pics to pics@theblacksheeponline.com
(View and Send Pics from our iPhone & Android App! Search black sheep mobile)
If you don’t start following us...
YOU WON’T KNOW WHAT’S SO DAMN FUNNY.
@BLACKSHEEPUTK Scan to go right to the page!
The Grid SPECIAL NIGHT
SATURDAY! 90.3 The Rock Presents: Town Mountain with Rollin’ In The Hay, 10PM
THURSDAY 1/17
If Birds Could Fly with The Songbirds, 10PM Half-Off Bottles of Wine Until 10pm
TUESDAY: TRIVIA! $2 Domestic Drafts
WEDNESDAY: Carleo’s Winedown Wednesday! $2 Glasses of Wine
FRIDAY: NV College Night! 18 and up $2 Domestics and $4 Shooters Until Midnight
$2 Domestic Bottles
SOUTHBOUND College Night! $2 Domestics & $4 Wells Until Midnight | 21 and up
Check out carleoentertainment.com for upcoming events! NV College Night! 18 and up $2 Domestics and $4 Shooters Until Midnight
FRIDAY 1/18
The Delta Saints, 9pm
$2.50 Blue Moon Drafts
SOUTHBOUND Total Request DJ Dance Party 21 and up
SATURDAY 1/19
90.3 The Rock Presents: Town Mountain with Rollin’ In The Hay, 10PM Games on the Big Screens All Day!
Catch all the Games Here!
SOUTHBOUND Total Request DJ Dance Party
NV Top 40 Dance Party 21 and up
SUNDAY 1/20
Erisa Rei, 8pm Free Pool All Day
$2 Domestic Bottles and Drafts, $5.50 Pitchers and Happy Hour Wells All Day. $0.50 Wings, $3.99 Cheeseburgers and Fries
Check out CarleoEntertainment.com for Upcoming Events!
Call (865) 414-6050 to set up your private party!
MONDAY 1/21
Marbin, 10pm Half Price Pint Night
$5.50 Domestic Pitchers $0.50 Wings, Pitchers and Happy Hour Wells All Day
Call (865) 414-6050 to set up your private party!
Check out carleoentertainment.com for upcoming events!
TUESDAY 1/22
Half Price Pint Night
TRIVIA! $2 Domestic Drafts
Call (865) 414-6050 to set up your private party!
Call (865) 414-6050 to set up your private party!
WED. 1/23
Live Team Trivia - 8pm
$1.50 PBR TALL BOYS
Carleo’s Winedown Wednesday! $2 Glasses of Wine
Check out carleoentertainment.com for upcoming events!
BECAUSE YOU ALWAYS WANT MORE Download our Mobile App! DOWNLOAD FOR iPHONE DOWNLOAD FOR ANDROID
The Grid WED: Half Price Bottles of Wine All Day Until 10PM
FEATURING THE $5 DICKEL TICKLE EVERY DAY!
SPECIAL NIGHT
Large 3 Topping Pizza $11.99 + Tax Happy Hour 3-7pm: 50 cents off any beer; draft or bottle
Half Off Drafts after 9pm
Boom Box and Strings Hip Hop Show featuring DJ-Nyce One, J-bush, Dopplegangsta, t.ANT, Mr.Kook, and MC.DTec. sponsored by WUTK, 9pm, $5 Drink Specials $2.50 Yuengling Drafts
THURSDAY 1/17
FREE BEER! $5 Liquor Pitcher ($3 Add Another Shot) $3 Wells, $3 Apple Pie Moonshine, $3 24oz Natty & Keystone $2 PBR & Highlife Tallboys
Large Supreme or Veggie Supreme Pizza $14.99 + Tax Happy Hour 3-7pm: 50 cents off any beer; draft or bottle
Try any of our 30 craft beers on tap!
Mobility Chief with Appalachian Fury, 10pm, $5 Drink Specials!
FRIDAY 1/18
Beer Bust Saturday! Free Drafts $5 Liquor Pitchers 35 cent Wings & Shrimp
Large Meatzaria or Veggie Pizza $12.99 + Tax
Come in and watch the game on our big screens!
The Bad Dudes with Alone at 3am and Matt Woods, 10pm, $5 Drink Specials!
SATURDAY 1/19
Book Your Private Parties Here! 865-525-0004 rumorz@charter.net
Large 2 Topping Pizza $10.99 + Tax
Triva Starts at 8pm Brunch 10:30am - 3pm
Reigns Band with Ronnie Bongo 9pm, FREE!
SUNDAY 1/20
Book Your Private Parties Here! 865-525-0004 rumorz@charter.net
Large 1 Topping Pizza + Breadsticks $10.99 + Tax Happy Hour 3-7pm: 50 cents off any beer; draft or bottle
Last Monday of Every Month: 5 Course Beer Dinner
Comedy Con Queso Open Mic Comedy, 9pm, FREE!
MONDAY 1/21
Book Your Private Parties Here! 865-525-0004 rumorz@charter.net
Large Windy City Pizza $11.99 + Tax Happy Hour 3-7pm: 50 cents off any beer; draft or bottle
$2 Drafts
Einstein Simplified Improv Troop 8pm, FREE $5 Burger Night
TUESDAY 1/22
Book Your Private Parties Here! 865-525-0004 rumorz@charter.net
Any Medium Pizza $10.99 + Tax Happy Hour 3-7pm: 50 cents off any beer; draft or bottle
Half Price Bottles of Wine All Day Until 10PM
Big Gene and Dany Lee’s Loud Pack CD Release, 9pm, $5 $5 Nachos
WED. 1/23
Beer Bust Saturday! Free Drafts $5 Liquor Pitchers 35 cent Wings & Shrimp
THURSDAY: Large 3 Topping Pizza $11.99 + Tax Happy Hour 3-7pm: 50 cents off any beer; draft or bottle
College Night Thursday! $5 Pitcher of Beer and Free Buffet till 11 Karaoke Starts at 11 All new $5 Margarita Liquor Pitcher $3 Wells, $2 PBR tallboy Beer Pong Tourney!
s t n e v e 3 1 20 go e r u o y e to enabl
The Western World’s First Gene Therapy Goes on Sale The Event: Dutch biotech uniQure’s Glybera will become commercially available, providing gene therapy to treat lipoprotein lipase deficiency (LPLD), an extremely rare inherited disorder affecting the metabolism of fat particles. How can we selfishly make this about us?: Gene therapy might just be the future of medicine as we know it. It physically alters the fundamental material that tells our cells how to function, and could potentially provide cures to some of humankind’s most detrimental diseases. But we’re not quite there yet, so who cares? Just like global warming, we should spend more time arguing whether or not humans should tinker with God’s creation. In fact, until uniQure can replace our short, fat, and brunette genes, let’s not give a shit about it. In other words, if a man was born to die of LPLD, then that’s what he was put on this Earth to do… until we can alter our genes to have powerful sex organs, then we shall not agree with uniQure and its evil plans to white-wash America.
Royal Baby Born The Event: Kate Middleton and whichever royal breeder is plugging her are passing on their blessed genes! Surely this baby will be left to grow up in a private, loving home like the rest of us, it won’t throw itself off of the London Bridge at the ripe age of 14 on national television! How can we selfishly make this about us?: How dare we suggest that someone else's baby isn't primarily about us in the first place? This baby is will be a real life princess or prince! Our generation barely knew Princess Diana, and now we have our chance to become psychotically possessive of someone else's life. This baby is ours, America, and if we can't destroy the English monarchy with war, we shall tear it down by shoving our fat faces into every aspect of this baby's life. We will vote on the baby's name (deeming him/her Oprah no matter what), witness his/her first kiss, and ultimately steer the royal family back to what they do best - have sex with each other until years of incest rot away their genetic makeup.
, it was ht us anything ocalypse taug n take just about ap nno an ay If the M mans ca vancement, e that we hu the reassuranc e it marketable. Scientific ad doctrine mak ligious anything and s, and even re ing our own circumstance to serv in rn tu astronomical d an e can twist – all things w das. en ag al person overlords who the capitalist r fo k or edicted gw le e and events pr So we did th found trends turn into means of d an , es liv r ll all run ou prec ia tio n, 2013 that we’ to happen in in st ea d of m ea ns of ap ath. de t, ing, inevitable en te rt ai nm en or our impend discovery, and/
by: quinn
DA14 The Event: On February 15, 2013, the DA14 asteroid is predicted to narrowly sweep past Earth. The 45-meter, 130,000 metric ton asteroid will blow by us at 21, 200 miles from the center-point of Earth, with an uncertainty region of about 0.000001 AU (150 km; 93 mi). How can we selfishly make this about us?:"Uncertainty region" is certainly a sexy term. In this random universe anything can happen, and we feeble humans just have to bend over, grab our ankles, and take it. Might this near-Earth asteroid randomly be coerced by unknown forces of the universe, and take a path to knock Earth of its axis, killing us all? Or will Jesus whisk off into space on a silver surfboard and push it away? Only time can tell, but one thing's for sure - you want to make sure everyone within your online social reach knows that you know the asteroid isn't going to hit (because of science or surfboard Jesus)… but you're going to party like it is AnYwAy!~! #DA14 #NearDeath #JesusPushedtheAsteroidAway
The Wide Commercial Use of Highly Flexible Touch Sensors The Event: 2013 is predicted to be the year we start to see our computing technology evolve to be flexible - with a phone that wraps around your wrist as the desired endpoint. How can we selfishly make this about us?: Our grandparents would never have dreamed of carrying the sort of computing power we do in their pockets. Yet, how do we respond to having an infinite amount of information at our fingertips? Immediately start complaining about the Facebook app loading too slowly, or carelessly dropping it into on the ground as we stream porn in the bathroom stall at work. Of course we'll welcome our computers being able to bend into a wrist accessory, but we'll all inevitably grow bored with this groundbreaking technology and wonder why the computer is still a physical thing, and not a chip implanted into our brain. Why do we have to still look at something to watch porn? Why aren't we to the point where we can stream it on the back of my eyelids yet!? We thought this was 2013, not 2003!
Solar Flares Will Disrupt the Earth's Magnetosphere The Event: The sun will reach its solar maximum this year - the period of greatest activity in its 11-year solar cycle. Because of the low level of activity in recent years there is a build up of energy, with large "solar storms" hitting Earth's magnetosphere strong enough to disrupt electronic systems on Earth. How can we selfishly make this about us?: Despite the fact that the solar flares could potentially alter the banking system and hospital equipment, we'll all inevitably complain more about our phone batteries not charging as we sleep, and GPS devices leading us to Taco Bell instead of the nearest strip club. Sure, we could take this phenomenon to realize there are bigger external forces that alter our lives than WiFi and sex, becoming a little less dependent on our machines and a little more interested in the frailty of human life and our relationships. But we won't, and our faces will stay glued to our phones as we mash the refresh button like apes until the internet checks back in.
we interview: We interviewed Ryan North, creator of the online Dinosaur Comics, writer of Adventure Time comics, and eventually a choose-your-own-adventure Hamlet book. He is the self-described “final boss of the internet,” so follow him on Twitter @ryanqnorth! By Brendan The Black Sheep: So you went to college for Computer Science, did you start the comic out of college or in college? Ryan North: I did undergrad in Computer Science and started the Dinosaur Comics in my final year. Then I did a graduate degree in computation linguistics, and continued the comic during that time. When I graduated I had the choice of getting a real job or doing comics on the internet, and the internet comic thing seemed like it would be more fun. TBS: With that in mind, what was the decision like -- did you understand the risk, did you look at it as kind of “this is my one shot to do this”? RN: Yeah, actually it was a really easy decision, because when a cartoonist decides to go full time that means they have to quit their day job, but all I had to do was fail to get a job. It was easy because the easiest choice was the most fun choice. TBS: Since then you’ve branched out to a bunch of different things -- designing other web comics and other projects. When you go after these things, how do you choose to do it? RN: It takes me about three hours to write a comic, which seems like a lot for six panels, but it takes that long to get to the point where I’m happy with it. So when I started doing comics full time, I’d be done around noon, and have the whole afternoon off - so I was like, “Yeah! Spring break full time!” But after a couple weeks of that, I started to be like “Oh no, I’m wasting my life.” But Oh No Robot came out of me saying “Wow! This is something that can solve a problem for web comics, and something I can do in the afternoon that would be computer science-y,” which I enjoyed also - you know, helping out both myself and other cartoonists. So seeing something that could be done better and doing it, but also selfishly just needing to feel more productive than I am. TBS: Dinosaur Comics, do you find the 6 panels are a continual challenge? RN: In one sense it’s like a haiku, where you have these constructions and you work within it - and that gives you some advantages, like you’re not facing a blank sheet of paper in the morning. I know my comic today will probably have T-Rex in it to some degree, because it’s always those same six images, but at the same time you’re thinking how can you spend ten years with the same six images, this is brutal, it’s reptilian. But they’re really flexible, which is great -- if I put “Meanwhile in Tudor England” above one of the panels, that changes the visual narrative of the strip and it starts telling different stories and having characters off panel that interact with the main characters, which makes it flexible, and seemingly easier. TBS: The Adventure Time comic is very stylistically different from what you’ve been doing, how do you switch voices between the two?
the big three
entertainment-y things to keep your eye out for.
BROKEN CITY IN THEATERS JANUARY 18th
Hey, it's a Mark Wahlberg action film! Russell Crowe stars as the mayor of New York City, a man who hires Wahlberg (a disgraced ex-cop with an innate anger problem) to help him identify his wife's lover, that bitch. Scandalous situations simmer up, supposedly surrounding sex and stuff.
TORO Y MOI - ANYTHING IN RETURN OUT JANUARY 22nd
Chaz Bundwick, better known as Toro y Moi, graces us yet again with his low key dance beats on Anything in Return. Bundwick describes his latest album as just him having fun, music that his "girlfriend would dance to, or something." Yeah, guys, or something, so let's keep the vibes chill around here, okay?
AFRICA JANUARY 22nd at 10p.m. on discovery
From the makers of Planet Earth, Frozen Planet and Life comes another epic documentary that shows us that rhinos and giraffes really do live complex, interesting lives outside of the zoo. The third installment of the seven part series shows us the country of Congo, and how life is, like, real in the rain forest.
ryan north RN: I think it helps that the characters from each comic like T-Rex from Dinosaur Comics and Jake from Adventure Time, are very distinct characters with really clear voices, so it’s not hard to write them. You know it’s not like I sit down and I say, “Alright here’s a funny joke, now is it a T-Rex joke or is this a Finn and Jake joke?” It’s more, I’m writing for Finn and Jake and then suggest the different sorts of jokes for each character. TBS: Moving onto your Kickstarter project To Be or Not To Be: That is the Adventure choose your own adventure play on Hamlet that blew up, what was the inspiration behind that? RN: It was totally the title that caught me because I thought “Wow, that’s structured like a choice, like in those little choose your adventure books!” Then I thought “Oh my gosh, I have to write this.” And there is a lot in Hamlet that is well suited for the adventure book format - he has a very clear goal to kill the bad guy, and when you do the story is over. And there’re other easy translations like the play within a play easily becomes a book within a book. TBS: The Kickstarter campaign raised a bunch of money, why do that instead of going to a publisher? RN: The thing with going to a publisher is you have to say, “Hey Mr. publisher I’ve written this choose-yourown path version of Hamlet, so stay with me it’s going to be great, but I want every ending illustrated and it’s going to cost you thousands of dollars to print this. But trust me it will be really cool!” which a lot of publishers won’t go for. But you go to Kickstarter and say the same thing, and only ask that people put up $20 and get the book, and you can watch it grow. We started with just black and white book with a thirty pictures, but as we made more money it became full color with over 110 pictures. So it let the book be better than what it would’ve otherwise been, which I think is a really powerful thing. TBS: One of the over-arching things that have been in this conversation has been you betting on yourself and winning - have you experienced and large-scale setbacks? RN: There is a truism of writing that says, “If you want to write something good you have to write a bunch of bad things first and get them out of your system,” but I feel what’s actually happening is that your initial writing will be bad - like if you look at the first couple years of Dinosaur Comics, I wouldn’t put those comics online now because I wouldn’t be happy with them. Like, when I put the first comic out, it was just me and my mom reading the comic -- and then my mom stopped -- I feel like if I had the objective measure to say “Is this a successful comic?” Well for the first couple years it wasn’t! But I wasn’t doing it for the success I was doing it because I enjoyed writing a comic and I wanted to see what I could do with it. Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn’t. That doesn’t mean it’s a failure and you have to move onto the next thing - it means “Well, that didn’t work, we learned something from this, and we better adapted, or learned the lessons we learned to do something new” I feel like labeling your different projects as failures or not failures is a little bit harsh, and sort of writes off the failure stuff, when really there is something good in there that you can recycle and make into something better.
PAGE 12
THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM
bartender of the week jonsey BEARDEN BEER MARKET Relationship Status: Married Drunk Munch Food: The Ploughman’s Lunch Favorite Show: BBC Top Gear Favorite Author: George Orwell
Best part of Bartending: Meeting new people and hanging out Dream Job: World traveler Pet Peeve: Taking pictures
Pick up line: “You look like Favorite Movie: Sunset Boulevard someone I know…” Drinking Game: Scrabble
Signature drink: Gin and tonic
Beer: Dragon Heart by Orkney Brewing Company
Greatest Fear: Asps
THE DRINKING GAME:
Best Winter Beer: Highland Cold Mountain
RECIPE FOR DISASTER:
DRINKING
INFERNO WALKING TACOS
This week we will look at a game as old as booze itself. It is both the simplest and most entertaining of games, and it is easy enough to play almost anywhere. We’re talking of course of the game simply known as “drinking.”
Too exhausted from last night’s 3 a.m. booty call? Too entranced by Aqua Teen Hunger Force to get off your lazy ass and make real food? Well, The Black Sheep has the perfect recipe for that lazy Sunday, or Monday, or any day of the week for that matter.
What You’ll Need: Booze and preferably a friend to drink with. Number of Players: As many as you damn well please. Level of Intoxication: That depends on you. How to Play: Take one drink when: - You feel like drinking. - You feel like you haven’t had a drink in a while. - You’re really in the mood for more beer. Take another drink when: - You inevitably fail at hitting on the super hot chick at the bar. - You realize you’ve already spent more than $15 and it’s only 9. - Your roommate hits you up for yet another round.
- You want to increase your dance skills. Finish your drink when: - You run into your ex with his or her new significant other. - Someone really annoying comes up to you and you need an excuse to get away. - You really have to pee and don’t want to bring your drink into the nasty bathroom. - You want the courage to send a sexy email to your super hot TA.
Game Ends When: Either you pass out or feel intense bouts of shame and remorse. With all that fancy-shmancy technology we have these days, sometimes we forget about the ol’ classic fun our relatives had many years before us. Time to raise a glass to Grandpa Joe; he’d be proud of you tonight.
DOWNLOAD OUR APP FOR ALL OF OUR DRINKING GAMES!
What You’ll Need: 6 little Fritos bags, 1 can of chili, lettuce, tomatoes, cheese, onions, sour cream, and your favorite hot sauce. Cook Time: About 5 minutes. Fatty Factor: It’s such a good laxative that it’s like negative calories! Let’s Get Baked: - Pour the can of chili into a container with a lid and heat it in the microwave for 2 to 3 minutes. - Open the bags of Fritos and dump some in the chili. - Mix in the lettuce, cheese, tomatoes, onions and whatever other ingredients you love to put on your tacos. - Liberally add hot sauce to the container. Just dump the whole bottle in there. - Put on the lid and shake vigorously. - Grab a spoon or a bag of chips and go to town. You now have a delicious, extremely unhealthy bag full of Meatwad for you to enjoy while he’s on the television.
HUNGRY FOR MORE? THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM
THE BLACK SHEEP MOBILE | FOR iPHONE & ANDROID
PAGE 13
the MADLIB: BACK TO SCHOOL It seems like it was just yesterday you were packing up your things and heading back to __1__ to enjoy a month-long break. You were determined to relax, promising yourself that you’d __2__ one __3__ every day you were home. Well, that didn’t happen. First your __4__ began berating you for showing up at home with so much __5__. Doesn’t she understand that it’s really expensive to do it at school? Then your __6__ asked why you reek of __7__, like there’s a good way to answer that question in front of the parents.
Deciding you need a break from all that nonsense, you head over __8__’s house, knowing he’ll be down to __9__ some __10__. You walk into his house and the whole family is sobbing; apparently his __11__suddenly __12__. Now you’re telling him everything is going to be __13__, but you really, really just want to go to __14__ and __15__. Of course things continue to get worse. A few days later you find out that __16__, the ex- you still quietly lust over, is now dating __17__. You still despise __18__ for __19__ on your __20__ as a joke your __21__year of high school.
Nothing really got worse through Christmas, but New Year’s saw the ultimate shitstorm come crashing ashore. After __22__ ditched you at a __23__ you decided to head home. When you walked in you heard a shriek. A naked, quivering mass of flesh was on the couch. It was your __24__, with __25__ on top. Then, on top of both of them was a __26__. You immediately started __27__ and __28__, though you’re not sure which one came first. So yeah, thank god you’re back at school.
Deluxe Walk-to-Campus Student Apartments NO APPLICATION FEE! NO SECURITY DEPOSIT!
1) Your hometown 2) Verb 3) Noun 4) Female family member 5) Noun 6) Different family member than 4 7) Libation 8) Male friend’s name 9) Verb 10) Noun 11) Pet 12) Verb (past tense) 13) Adjective 14) Location
END NEXT WEEK
AT
15) Verb 16) Name 17) Name of nemesis 18) Same as 16 19) Verb (-ing) 20) Body part 21)Year in high school 22) Name 23) Inopportune location 24) Family member 25) Family member 26) Animal 27) Verb (-ing) 28) Verb (-ing)
THE WELL!
NOW LEASING 2013-2014 • Affordable, Convenient & Well Maintained Apartments • 1, 2, & 3 Bedrooms from $355/Bedroom • Easy Walk to Campus, Cumberland Shops, & Restaurants • Conveniently Located in the Fort Sanders Neighborhood • Pay Your Rent & Make Maintenance Request 24/7 Online • Pet Friendly
(865) 637-3444 Leasing Office: 1301 Bridge Ave. #9 Website: www.primecampushousingtn.com
FRIDAY, 1/25 @ 9pm
SATURDAY, 1/26 @ 10pm
AMANDA SHIRES SALOME CABARET
TEXAS MUSIC MAGAZINE’S #1 ARTIST OF THE YEAR
W/ TROY SUGGS AND THE DELINQUENCY
3rd ANNUAL BURLESQUE ACADEMY STUDENT “GRINDUATION”
FULL CALENDER LISTING AVAILABLE AT WWW.THEWELLKNOXVILLE.COM 4620 KINGSTON PIKE, SUITE 2 | KNOXVILLE |865-851-7459
THE
RIDDLE!
Can you figure out the question we're asking in this riddle? Do you know the answer to said question? You do!? Get outta here! Someone get this guy a drink!
Send the question and answer to riddle@theblacksheeponline.com and if you're right, you'll get a prize.
the
WORDSEARCH MUNSTER • FETA ASIAGO • GORGONZOLA CREAM • MOZZARELLA PARMESAN • PROVOLONE MONTEREY JACK • GOUDA CHEDDAR • QUESO FRESCO COTIJA • CHIHUAHUA NACHO • EMMENTALER AMERICAN • COLBY JACK MASCARPONE • BLUE RICOTTA • PEPPERJACK STRING • COTTAGE
Meet The Staff
Find Us At...
CAMPUS MANAGER Austin Owen
CAMPUS DIRECTOR Quinn Myers
EDITORIAL MANAGER Emily Hagenburger
OWNER Atish Doshi
ADVERTISING MANAGERS Jessica Hill WRITERS Mary Moss, Lindsey Fleck
FOUNDERS Jessica Hill, Tanner Jenkins, Austin Owen, Atish Doshi, Brendan Bonham, Heather Jo Erickson, Jimmy DeBlasio, Jessica Sommers, Quinn Myers, Evan Stone
SOCIAL MEDIA MANAGER ...you?
QUESTIONS? info@theblacksheeponline.com
DISTRIBUTION MANAGER Margaret Wilson
ADVERTISING? ads@theblacksheeponline.com HATE US? lame@theblacksheeponline.com
Alter Ego Tattoo Gus’ Good Time Deli Stefano’s Pizza Hodges Library Claxton Education McCord Hall Barbarito’s Half Barrel Sunspot Haslam Business Building Building Gibbs Hall Barley’s Taproom Hannah’s (Cumberland) The Well University Center Communications & Morgan Hall Bearden Beer Market Hannah’s (Old City) Tin Roof Clement Hall University Extension Tickle Small Animal Boyd’s Jig & Reel HIghland Terrace University Liquors Strong Hall McClung Museum Hospital Cafe 4 Knox Bonding Company Urban Bar Senter Hall HSS Apartment Residence Calhoun’s Marble City Brewing Woodruff’s/Downtown Hoskins Library Thompson-Bowling Cafe Hall The Casual Pint Company Grill & Brewery South College Student Health Center All Greek Houses Central Flats & Taps Moe’s Woodmeade South Ayres Hall Art & Architecture Street Teams Chipotle NV Sushi Bridgecourt Apts Science and Engineering Hess Hall MORE! Cook- Out Nyro’s Gyro’s Gateway Apts Building Melrose Hall Cool Beans Preservation Pub Prime campus housing Alumni Memorial Presidential Court Copper Cellar Roaming Gnome The Grove Building Humes Hall Crown & Goose Saint Tattoo The Commons Neyland Biology Annex Carrick Hall Crowne Plaza Soccer Taco The Retreat Henson Hall Reese Hall Cumberland Glassworks Southbound University Heights Greve Hall Shellburn Towers Ebi Sushi Squire’s Quarry Trail Dunford Morrill Hall
Disclaimer The Black Sheep in no way promotes, encourages or supports binge drinking, and/or under-age drinking. This newspaper is designed for entertainment purposes only and does not recommend attempting anything printed in this publication. Please drink...responsibly and legally.
Owned & Operated By: Black Card Media, LLC 2130 W. Potomac Ave. Suite 1, Chicago, IL 60622 Corporate: 217.390-1747 Advertising: 608.712.0900