The Black Sheep FR
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• a college newspaper that’s actually about college •
Volume 1, Issue 3 9/20/12 - 9/26/12
theblacksheeponline.com @blacksheepUTK
Jimmy Cheek vs. Greek Life The black sheep staff wrote this
As a frat member, sorority member, or even as a GDI on campus, one knows that there are a few things that are not to be messed with. These sacred rituals include thirsty Thursdays, PDM, and game day celebrations. However, our way of life may be under attack. Imagine: You’re preparing to go out on PDM, a day infamous for its raucous parties and panty-dropping sorots. Then you find out that a mandatory meeting has been set up for that night for all new sorority and frat members, which will severely limit the amount of actual panty-dropping occurring. “This is an outrage!” you think. “Who can be to blame?” Like many blame President Obama for our country’s present problems, many here are blaming Jimmy Cheek – chancellor of UTK and implementer of the Top 25 Plan, the goal of which is to make us into a university that’s in league with the big dogs. You’ve seen his name on those “Letter from the Chancellor” emails you never read and on memes about the always-increasing price of tuition. It’s all fun and games when he’s messing with academic policy, but this time he’s gone too far. Messing with our traditions and our social time is a huge no-no, and new policies are affecting both of these by targeting alcoholic incidents and Greek organizations. By forcing frat houses to stop having parties, they’re severely challenging the Greek tradition. And, unfortunately, Jimmy has a lot of say concerning the fates of our sorots and fratties. In many other SEC schools, Greek life is fairly independent because they own the land their houses are built on. But on good ol’ Rocky Top, the school owns the land, allowing the university to dictate what goes on there. We’re supposed to be a dry campus and all, but c’mon. If you think frat row or sorority village or even the rest of the university isn’t swimming in beer, you have another think coming, Jimmy. Is it really fair to punish both the Greeks and independents on campus because of a few individuals? And, how much of a difference would that really make? This campus would look significantly different if you remove the alcohol component. Let’s just take a look into that future, shall we? It’s a Friday night. You get dressed up with your girlfriends- wearing tight skirts and decked out in all your Forever 21 finery. You wobble in your heels towards Frat Row, expecting to party hop your way to Saturday morning. However, when you arrive a bleak scene greets you. Imagine a ghost town in a Western film. Tumbleweeds, dilapi-
The Girlfriend’s Guide to Fantasy Sports The flex position isn’t what you think it is, ladies.
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dated buildings, the whole shebang. Zombie-like former frat kings are roaming the streets, except instead of “brains” they’re groaning “beeeeerrrrrrr.” As a last refuge from this post-apocalyptic scene, our entire student body would be forced into different weekend venues to get our party on. Just think: The Hill, Rumorz, RT’s – they would all be packed. Kids would just be running rampant and partying in the streets. Obviously this would create even more problems than alcohol-induced shenanigans do now. With the streets filled with drunken students, there would be more car accidents and people getting run over on The Strip. Some chick drops her iPhone while crossing the street from the Tin Roof to Longbranch Saloon, goes
what’s inside
College Procrastination Reaches New Heights Note: Don’t forget to put something here.
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back for it, and BAM! Taken out by a Subaru. She wouldn’t even be in that situation had she had a relatively car-free environment to go to in a frat house. Is this what you want, Jimmy? To add to the list of casualties? No, ya don’t. There would be more arrests, crazier house parties, and probably some lost limbs and knife fights. It’s like the armageddon of collegiate life. Students would be going crazy from alcohol deprivation and trying to get their party fix. And that’s just not the life anyone wants to lead. Sorry, Jimbo, but we don’t quite agree with your policy if this is the future we’ll have to look forward to.
The Guide to the Apocalypse: Zombie Edition Weapons... You’ll need lots of weapons.
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contents page 5: from the streets
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How do you feel about the cops cracking down on jaywalking?
page 7: the top ten ways to shed pounds
Table of
Because dieting and exercise are so overrated
page 12: bartender of the week
cory j. from the half barrel gets drunk to Forrest Gump
page 13: all grown up: honey boo boo Where America’s favorite piece of white trash will be in 20 years
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word of the week Bravadon’t:
An act of heroism meant to impress, resulting in embarrassing failure for the person in question.
“Patrick’s had an act of bravadon’t when he broke his leg by jumping off of the roof.”
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The Girlfriend’s Guide to Fantasy Sports
The Black Sheep Staff wrote this
Ladies, if you’re lucky enough to have a man who puts up with both your complete lack of personality and utter reliance on him to drive you everywhere - congratulations. Pat yourself on the back for being eh, hot enough, and put down the Cosmo that’s telling you how to properly caress his balls. Seriously. If you’re brave and/ or trashed enough to shackle yourself to one guy for more than the time it takes to get him to buy you a drink, the last place you should take advice from is women’s magazines. Indeed, if you want to take on the challenge of keeping a man happy, there is one, and only one question you need to ask yourself. And you better answer with an affirming jumping high-five! ARE YOU READY FOR SOME FOOTBALL!? Or baseball. Or basketball. Or pro bass fishing, if your guy is in FarmHouse. Face it, your man has a lot of fantasies, but did you know that not all of them are about you? At least .317% of them are sports-related. Specifically, having his own fantasy team. Note that you can’t be a member of this team. So how do you navigate this confusing world of mythical RBIs and make-believe second downs? How can you make sure you own stake in his little you-less sanctuary that is fantasy sports? By following our Girlfriend’s Guide to Fantasy Sports, silly. Pro Tip 1: Show up at his draft party. Draft parties are totes boring sausage fests with way too many confusing numbers and
statistics. Your guy will want nothing to do with it anymore after the first round when Aaron Rodgers, Sidney Crosby, or Kobe Bryant has already been drafted to Team Master Chief. Get your sweet, yoga ass over there to sit on his lap and keep him entertained through the boring hours of beer, wings, and icky male bonding. Pro Tip 2: Give him lots of advice on whom to put in on his game nights. Everybody knows that good-looking guys are more talented, nicer, and better at foreplay than ugly guys. So when your sweetie wants to have a total cave troll play for his team tonight, it’s your job to stop him! The sweet, cinnamon baby face of Blake Griffin must mean that he’s better than that bearded jack-o-lantern LeBron James. Plus “power forward” sounds so much manlier than “small forward.” Pro Tip 3: Trash text the guys in his league. Strike fear into the hearts of your boo’s opponents by letting them know that they are going down hard—you know, like you when you want a new purse. Just a simple, “Ur team sucks! Get a girlfriend loser!” should do it. This tip is so effective that it will cause the entire league to stop talking to your man out of what we can only assume to be sheer terror.
Pro Tip 4: Withhold sex unless he wins his match up. Fantasy sports are as important to guys as graduating college, so you need to show him you take his team as seriously as he does. If his guys aren’t scoring, he isn’t scoring. Trust us; he’ll appreciate this spirited dedication to his success and coital condemnation of his failure. Fantasy sports are not for the faint of heart. The next time you make eye contact with a guy over your sushi that shows how worldly and daring you are, think twice. Ask yourself, “Will this end badly, with me sobbing and praying to the porcelain god while his suitemates do the pee dance? Or will it lead to me making him into a fantasy player with possibly the best record ever?” That may be a question you’d never thought you’d ask yourself, but follow our tips and you can make this season be his “fantasy come true.” Princess Leia costume not included.
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From the Streets
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“It’s a lame law, this is a campus.” - Melissa W., Sophomore Electronic Media
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College procrastination reaches new heights
cody man wrote this
With the first exams in many classes already approaching, many students are doing this thing where they spend a lot of time on non-important stuff to try to avoid doing what they actually need to be doing. You know, that whole beating-around-the-bush thing before getting to the meat of an assignment. It’s like, “Dude, what’s the point of this thing?””I dunno, dude. Have you seen this Gangnam Style video?” Anyway… According to Wikipedia, a whole lot of college students utilize some form of procrastination. Whether it be playing a quick round of Call of Duty, catching up on a little sleep, surfing the Internet, cleaning the apartment, fixing an extravagant meal, or crafting a needlessly long list, there are many things to which today’s students are turning in an effort to put off real work for just a little longer. Many believe that writing assignments in particular cause extraordinary procrastinatory measures among students, including the creation of new adjectives. As a result of the rampant procrastination, USC professors are noticing a growing trend of assignments bearing the tell-tale signs of being last-minute efforts. Reports of printers dying and computers crashing, sloppy oral presentations filled with lots of, uh, verbal fillers, pour grammar in writing assignments, and incomplete thoughts are leaving instructors shaking their However, it is not just students who are having trouble with put-
ting things off until the last minute. There have been numerous reports of professors not returning graded works until weeks and weeks after the fact, prompting many complaints to USC administration (the university is expected to respond to these complaints sometime in the near future). Other students have noted absurdly long wait times for food from on-campus dining facilities. One Chick-fil-A cook was seen to be staring vacantly into the deep fryer while the line in front of the counter continued to grow. One common refrain among students is the lack of effort put into the creation of exams by their instructors. Tests have become increasingly easy as the problem persists. “I had a professor who gave us a one-question exam the other day,” said one totally-not-made-up-at-the-last-minute student. “He said he was too busy watching the Cowboys game the night before to finish making the rest of the test.” “My poli-sci professor was telling us all about this really good book she had been reading on the day we were supposed to have a test,” said another student this author who was definitely actually interviewed was quoted saying “By the time she got done, she admitted that she never actually made out an exam for us and just asked us who the President was before giving us all A’s.
In other cases, procrastination could turn out not to be quite so harmless. In response to recent questions concerning rising tuitions and costs of student living, USC President Harris Pastides began fidgeting and rambling about his time commitments. “Well, you see, we’re going to get the tuition issue under control…eventually. There’s just been so much other stuff going on lately. I’ve been trying to get caught up on Breaking Bad, for one. And I mean really, aren’t there so many other things you’d rather us be doing than trying to balance that whole budget? That’s just so much work. We could be doing so many other things instead— like not balancing the budget, for instance. We’re considering building another fountain somewhere before we start working on tuition costs though, what do you guys think?” Above is a chart showing the campus-wide progression of procrastination.
The Black Sheep Guide to the Apocalypse: Zombie Edition Phil mccracken wrote this The Black Sheep has a mission for the rest of 2012: Prepare you, the innocent reader, for the upcoming apocalypse in every way we know how. But Googling butt porn and wearing mirror blouses may not be enough to save you. As Knoxville will soon echo with the howls of students and adults with no life, you may be asking yourself: How are you going to survive a Zombie Apocalypse? Are you ready to face down zombie hordes armed with nothing but what you find in your dorm room? Are you prepared to put down the people you once loved when they become mindless, famished monsters that hunger for your flesh? Can you live with yourself after the battle, knowing in the back of your mind that one wrong move and you could have been the slimy smear of blood and decomposed brain on the baseball bat? Of course not. That’s what we’re here for. PREPARATION: Ask 10 people off the street how to prepare for a Zombie Apocalypse and you’ll get 20 different answers. We’re pumped. We’re ready. But easy, trigger. You’re not as ready as you think you are. Do you have supplies all packed up in case you need to get out of your house immediately? A bike, for when you inevitably run out of gasoline and have to leave your car behind? How about weapons? Are you in a position where if there was a zombie outbreak right this very second, you’re ready to go? Go ahead. We’ll wait. While you’re scrambling around your place in a panicked attempt to throw together a sloppy gobag, prioritize your weapons. Guns will run out of ammo very quickly, and gun shop owners, who likely have been waiting for this moment their entire lives, will shoot on sight. You need blunt instruments. Bats, golf clubs, whatever is light enough not to tire you out during the battle, but effective enough to bash a in human skull. Form a party, playing to everyone’s skills set. If Marcia is an ace shooter, let her be in charge of the guns while Eric works the hockey stick and Tammy scavenges supplies. And bring a Red Shirt dude. Always bring a Red Shirt dude. And for God’s sake, find a way to keep your iPod running. You haven’t spent hours and hours compiling the perfect Zombie fighting playlist for nothing. THE BATTLE: The smart survivors are going to spend most of their time on the run from ravenous creatures of doom. The awesome ones will be spending the end of the world reenacting Jackie Chan movies and trying to out-do each other in head counts. These people will die gloriously in a blaze of
The Top 10
Unhealthy Ways to Shed Pounds You’ve reached a point in your life where you need to start working out or you need to develop an eating disorder. The weight is getting harder to drop, and your usual chubby lovers have even kicked your fat ass to the curb. For some, the chase for acceptance would motivate them to get lean, but for the lazier bunch, here are the easy ways out. 10. Water Chaser: Drinking to get drunk is something that you love, and you have to learn to sacrifice in order to keep your five-days-a-week boozing schedule. The water-liquor combo will keep your calorie count and tolerance at an all time low. This weight solution may give you an ulcer, making weight loss even easier! Win, win!
Molotov cocktails and improvised weaponry. Most of The Black Sheep will be joining them because that sounds more fun than anything we’ve ever done in our quickly fleeting lives. But if you’re too special to die the most epic of deaths (you’re not), then run. Run as fast as your cowardly little feet can take you. Try to get as far north as possible, where the cold will slow down the zombie metabolism so you only have to deal with sluggish walkers. You can quickly deal with those using a bat. When zombies start being polite to you, you’ve hit Canada. They are known for their healing wizardry, so chances are they’ve just worked out a cure and you’re probably safe. Go ahead and put your clothes back on if you took them off. THE AFTERMATH: If you survived the Zombie Apocalypse, we congratulate you. It takes an incredible inner strength to face down the hordes and untold hordes of undead creatures screaming to chew your brain. Also shooting you requisite-background-history love interest right in the face. That must have been tough. But it’s worth it now that you’re one of the only 600 people in America who survived! That means you get your pick of everything! That means you can go live in Bill Murray’s house if you want! (Unless he survived. He probably survived, the squirrelly bastard.) Now all you have to do is find a working car that will… that will take you… to… to Hollw- oh my God, what is that smell? It’s like if a chain smoking horse ate congealed zombie slime and threw it up on your face! What is thatwait, sh! Did you hear that? Like a faint humming, or maybe a buzzing? Oh, shi- dude, don’t look now, but there’s a group of cadaver-eating insects crawling up your- NO, DON’T TRY TO KICK THEM oh God oh God, get them off! Get them off me! Ew ew ew, that’s so gross! I HATE this end of the world!
9. Pick Up Smoking: Exchange your shitty eating habits for a smoking addiction. Curbing hunger pangs with cancerous materials? High five, tobacco companies! Your hand-rolled cigarette will enhance your street cred while shrinking your waistline and lungs. 8. Purging: This goes out to all the self-conscious teens across the nation. Throwing up is basically a rewind button. You lost control and ate six Twinkies again? That’s okay, sticking your finger down your throat absolves you of all your gluttonous behavior. You secret habit will help you develop a stealthy manner and a protruding ribcage. 7. Laxatives: Here’s the poop on laxatives: They are the express lanes of weight loss, but come at a cost. You will have to dedicate at least six hours of your day to the porcelain gods; as for the rest of your hours, you will be on call for abrupt bowel movements. Pick a lazy Sunday, download a lot of new games on your iPhone, and enjoy your toilet time. 6. Oversleeping: Rising in the late afternoon saves you from yourself. Waking up past 1 p.m. makes breakfast inappropriate, past three makes lunch obsolete, and past seven makes dinner look downright wrong. 5. Preemptive Hustling: The key to this weight loss plan is procrastination. You must wait to the very last second to keep the weight off. Have a class fifteen minutes away? Leave three minutes before so sprinting is the only option. This high-risk, panicky lifestyle will help you shed your first semester pouch. 4. Adderall: This prescription drug will not only help you keep off the pounds, but its effects also give you superhuman study powers. Even if you haven’t eaten in three days, Adderall will make you get your shit done, all while looking thin. 3. Alcohol: It’s time to forfeit all meals to alcohol consumption. Beer in massive amounts is more filling than a four-course meal. Why bother consuming double the calories when one could be substituted for the other? Beer has a plethora of yeast; it can definitely be placed in the grain section of the food pyramid. If you drink enough, you’ll just end up throwing it all up again anyway. 2. Narcotics: It’s time to take a page out of the everyday drug abuser handbook. Avid fans of hard drugs tend to be the skinniest, like Kate Moss. In this economy you will have to choose between drugs and food. The addictive qualities of drugs will outshine your stomach’s screams and eventually silence them indefinitely. You can say hello to a future of bad teeth and a nonexistent waistline. 1. Sexersize: This is the most fun you can have while watching your weight. Getting freaky in the sheets will really help you feel the burn. Multiple partner options are key to an optimal workout schedule. That way you’ll never fall into a consistent rhythm, and you’ll always be on your toes for something new. Hey and after you pop that unwanted baby out, it’ll feel like you lost a bunch of weight.
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Point / Counter Point:
Fall TV Shows 666 Park Avenue (ABC) Q: A young couple moves into a “too good to be true” apartment complex, and if you haven’t figured it out already from the spoon-fed title, it’s haunted. Who cares about a plot when the preview shows people being sucked into the walls by spirits or committing suicide off the edge of the building? It looks like nothing new, just the same old “whipping out an old book to find out the dragon insignia in the shitter is an evil omen” run-around. Just move you assholes. Problem solved. B: Ah, but Quinn, don’t you see that the producers are taking horror to a whole new level? Because this family leveraged all their assets to afford their Manhattan apartment, they can’t move without dealing with a citizen’s greatest fear: The IRS. Certainly this show is just an extended metaphor for the plight of the American homeowner in the post-recession real estate horrorscape.
Ben and Kate (FOX)
Made in Jersey (CBS)
Q: Ben is played by Academy Award-winning Nat Foxan, and his older sister Kate is played by Dakota Johnson. Ben is the lovable, awkward man-child, and Kate is the uptight but quirky single mom “trying to make ends meet.” While on the surface this looks like a pretty typical setup, Ben will walk the line of getting under your skin and being endearing/funny perfectly - if you can keep your eyes off his mangled grill, that is.
B: “A streetwise lawyer born and raised in New Jersey joins a posh New York City law firm, where she must defend her clients while surviving her colleagues’ skepticism and her Italian family’s constant interruptions.” In other words, a paint-by-numbers drama full of over-the-top stereotypes. WHAT-A? YOU NO LOVE-A YA MOMMA’S SPICY MEAT-ABALL NO MORE NOW YOU A BIG CITY GIRL? GABBAGOO!!!
B: The only upside this show offers is the off-thecharts awkwardness potential. Roommate comedies thrive off of tired odd couple tropes, so when it comes time for Ben and Kate to do, “the single mom gets laid” episode, having Ben say, “I can’t believe I had to hear you during sex last night, you cried harder than when dad spanked you,” will be fun for the whole family.
Q: Get over yourself. If people aren’t constantly reminded of stereotypes, how will we ever know when to judge one another? How will our kids know how to walk the line between “playing it by the book” and “getting their hands dirty once in a while”? A bully beats them up – do they give the perp a few cheap shots before turning him in? We need these shows, Brendan, not everyone can paint without numbers.
The New Normal (FOX)
Chicago Fire (nbc)
The Mindy Project (FOX)
B: Listen up, Hollywood. If your best idea for convincing closed-minded people in flyover states that two dudes getting hitched is okay is a shitty sitcom about a gay couple adopting a baby, we as a nation have much larger problems.
B: A show. About firefighters. In Chicago. Produced by Law & Order creator Dick Wolf, this show promises to have the firefighters discover a fire, threaten it without evidence, get frustrated, find a new fire, question it, only to find that it was the first fire’s fault the whole time right when there’s like, three minutes left in each episode. In 2015 prepare for spinoffs Chicago Fire: Lake Forest and Chicago Fire: Aurora.
B: Ah, a show actually worthy of excitement. After years of seasoning on The Office, Mindy Kaling gets her opportunity to shine. Though The Office may be a shell of its former self, it’s the Bill Walsh of TV shows, spawning disciples that have created current great, Parks and Recreation. Kaling doesn’t rely on any crutches - like her gender or ethnicity - to be funny, so don’t expect any terrible CBS-quality jokes about how hard it is to have one’s period in a sari.
Q: How else do you want them to represent this classic struggle? People in Hollywood are progressive and better looking, everyone else is backwards and old. If sitcoms aren’t the beacon of change in this country, then yes, we as a nation have much larger problems. I look forward to Digger & Greene the unlikely law partnership of the son of an Oil Baron and a UC Berkeley hippie.
Q: Did you want this to be about the Chicago Fire soccer team, or Mrs. O’Leary? It’s called ESPN, Brendan, and they air US Soccer matches at least twice a year. No, this procedural drama is about a bunch of sexy firefighters (modeled after real Chicago firefighters), putting out fires and taking their shirts off. GOOOOOOOAAAAALLLLLL (in my pants).
Q: Kelly is annoying, and this seems to be the same character. A female OBGYN with a “unique persona” trying to navigate her personal and professional life? She’s a rom-com aficionado? Give Creed from The Office his own show. Please.
Just like the World Masturbation Championships, the fall TV schedule offers different strokes for different folks. With such a wide breadth of programming, it’s smarrt-- nay-- necessary to have qualified experts breaking down which new shows you should spend time watching this fall. Sadly, we don’t have any experts. Hell, we can barely afford pants. We do have two editors, though. So, we made Quinn and Brendan debate the merits of eight shows debuting this fall.
Malibu Country (abc)
Q: So this is just Reba right? They are trying to say it’s not, but the lead role is Reba McEntire playing “A mother of two kids, and a once country music sensation trying to get her foot back in the door.” Our only hope is that this show is very dark – Reba moves her family to Malibu, but fails to jumpstart her music career. She delves deep into depression and huffing computer dusters, only to accidentally microwave her youngest daughter in the season finale. B: God, then the second season opens up with Reba getting off on a technicality, only now she has a taste for blood. At night she roams the streets of Malibu, committing random acts of violence on unsuspecting rich couples. Thankfully, the Malibu PD have just the man for the case, a grizzled old cop (Jeff Foxworthy) who’s only days away from retirement. He’s following the trail of blood…and it’s on her hands.
Animal Practice (nbc)
Q: As much as one would hate to see anything replace the current NBC lineup, this show might be decent. Whether or not it was the psychotic clusterfu*ck that was the closing ceremonies it aired after, the pilot seemed okay. We really like Justin Kirk (Andy from Weeds) and this show looks like that same character with a mix of Dr. House, but in a veterinary. B: Eh, the dialogue in this show is ruff-er than tree BARK!
the interview
menomena
Portland indie rockers Menomena are releasing a new album, Moms, on September 18th before kicking off a nationwide tour. Because they have moms, and we have moms, and you have moms, we thought it would be a wise decision to talk to them. But not about their moms, though. That stuff’s personal, man. By: Brendan The Black Sheep: When starting a new album, what mindset do you put yourself in? Justin Harris: We’ve never put ourselves in the mindset, like, we’re making a concept album. On Moms in particular, early on there was a theme, at least, and it gives us a chance to think about issues that you want to write about. But again, it’s not a concept album my any means. TBS: You guys often introduce new instruments into your music. Is that your attempt to create a specific sound you’re looking for, or just a challenge to yourself? Justin: A lot of the time it’s, “How do we make that sound?” TBS: Have you ever had an experience where it just didn’t work? Justin: Yeah, definitely. [Laughs] There might be a couple of times on this album where we’re not sure if it’ll work or not. TBS: There’s democracy behind your songwriting, when do you know you have a finished song? Justin: For us, it’s the person who started writing a song who decides when the song is done. For me, over the years I’ve become familiar with the process. When I start playing something, I see it getting better, and eventually I just know when it’s done. TBS: You guys go to great lengths to recreate how your album sounds live on stage. Why? Justin: I don’t know, we started off early on thinking that’s what you do. You create your music on stage. Sure, it won’t sound exactly the same, but it’s really important to make sure the signatures of the songs are recreated on stage. TBS: With all that stuff going on, how much practice gets into making sure you can perform without screwing something up? Justin: A lot. We spend a lot of individual time working on getting to that point. On one of our songs on the last album I was supposed to be able to play this sax part and this bass part while on stage. Then I handed over the sax part to someone else, but it turns out my body wasn’t prepared for it. I couldn’t do one without the other, because I had trained my body to do both. It was an interesting realization for me. TBS: So how do you strike the balance between doing all that and still having a sense of showmanship? Justin: It’s something I struggle with daily. There’s a big part of me that wishes I could just go up there and play my instruments, but there’s an element of showmanship that’s necessary in a live show. The more we play songs, the easier it is to incorporate that kind of stuff as part of the show. At the same time, it helps that we have a really animated drummer. [Laughs] TBS: What kind of music are you interested in that your fans wouldn’t assume you’re interested in? Justin: Man, I wish I could ask [band mate] Danny Siem, he listens to a much wider variety of music than I do. I went to the symphony last weekend with a friend of mine, and it got me thinking about symphonics. TBS: What would you consider your greatest athletic achievement? Justin: Hmm, it’s been many years. I pitched a no-hitter in high school.
the big three
entertainment-y things we’re all excited about.
the perks of being a wallflower in theaters - 9/21
Based on the 1999 uber-emotional (albeit, spot-on) novel by Stephen Chbosky, Perks tells the tale of self-proclaimed wallflower Charlie (Logan Lerman), an incoming high school freshman. The first-person narrative takes us through his highs and lows of adolescence, from the freeing feeling of being infinite to his rocky pursuit of his friend's sister (Emma Watson).
no doubt - push and shove in store - 9/25
Sure, Gwen Stefani has released two solo albums in the past decade that were so successful that that shit was bananas. But the group has a whole hasn't released an album since 2001's Rock Steady, and these Californians have been hard at work on their latest album since 2010. Push and Shove, their sixth studio album, features beat geniuses Diplo and Major Lazer. Check out "Settle Down" and "Push and Shove."
brickleberry 9/25 @ 10:30pm on comedyy central
If you watched Tosh.0 last season, you know a thing or two about the new animated series from the disturbed yet hilarious mind of comedian Daniel Tosh. With celebrities galore doing the voiceovers of these national park forest rangers, we're looking forward to a new animated comedy that is one part Parks and Rec and one part South Park.
page 12
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bartender of the week Cory J. The half barrel Name: Cory Johnson
What’s the best tailgate beer: Yuengling
Favorite drunk munchie food: Cookout Favorite show: Law & Order What’s the weirdest place you’ve ever slept: Barbershop If you could be any superhero, who would it be: Mr. Terrific What’s the best hangover cure: Gatorade and Alka-Seltzer What’s your favorite drinking game: Watching Forrest Gump and drinking every time he does something stupid.
the drinking game
across the bridge Feeling lucky? This game takes absolutely no skill whatsoever! It also requires little thought and physical movement. As that weird-looking chick from The Hunger Games says, “May the odds be ever in your favor.” What You’ll Need: A deck of cards and your brew of choice. Number of Players: Two or more. Just make sure you have enough cards! Level of Intoxication: If you’re lucky, you’ll get tipsy. If you’re unlucky, you’ll black out. How to Play: - Deal ten cards face down in a straight line for your “bridge.” - One player starts the game by flipping the first card. - If the card is a 2 through 10, the player can move on to flipping the next card. - If the flipped card is a face card (jack, queen, king or ace), the player must drink (one second for a jack, two for a queen, three for a king, and four for an ace). - The player must also add cards onto the end of your bridge (one for a jack, two for a queen, three for a king and four for an ace). - The next player flips their next card and continues the game in the same fashion. The Game Ends When: One player stumbles all the way across the bridge. In that case, shuffle the cards and start over.
download our app for all of our drinking games!
What’s the best pre-drinking meal: Burgers What is the best part of bartending: I love seeing what other people like to drink. How do you know when you’re too drunk: I start liking people. What is your dreamjob: Homicide detective. What’s your biggest pet peeve: People touching me while they’re drunk.
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page 13
All Grown Up: Honey Boo Boo
morgan foster wrote this
Honey Boo Boo fever is sweeping the nation. “What’s a Honey Boo Boo?” you may ask. If you don’t know by now, you’re not American. After all, her show, Here Comes Honey Boo Boo, had more viewers than the Republican Convention. But then again, what didn’t? What could this monstrosity ever grow up to be? Honey Boo Boo plopped her wide buttocks onto the pink, zebra print beanbag chair in her living room. “I don’t care what my boss says, I ain’t goin’ to no psychamolologist!” she said to her pet teacup pig, Glitzy. Honey Boo Boo still worked in the pageant industry, only now she was a judge. Her boss, Judy, was angry because no matter what pageant Honey Boo Boo was assigned to judge, she always voted for herself. One time she even walked up on stage and took the winner’s tiara. Convinced that farm animals raised Ms. Boo Boo, Judy told her that she could keep her job if she saw a psychiatrist about her childhood. So far Honey Boo Boo has refused, electing to complain to Glitzy between mouthfuls of Little Debbie’s products instead. Ms. Boo Boo went to visit her family to get a second opinion in the matter. She still lived in Georgia, so it wasn’t a far ride in her sparkly pink Eclipse. She even brought Glitzy around, dressed in her best outfit involving a tutu and rhinestone-encrusted tiara. “Honey Boo Boo,” her momma said, “You don’t need no psychama-logist. All you need is some cheese balls and a nice jump in the muuuuud.” Honey Boo Boo shook her head, pursed her lips, and snapped her fingers in the air. “Nuh uuuh momma, I done tried that already, see?” Boo Boo lifted her shirt up to reveal a substantial mud-splattered belly. She
squeezed the lard of her belly into a shape resembling a mouth. “I do want some cheese-bawlllls, though,” she said, manipulating her rolls so that it looked like they were talking. Just then, one of Honey Boo Boo’s sisters rolled into the room on a power chair. “Did someone say cheese balls? I haven’t eaten in seven minutes, what’s a wo-man gotta do round here to get some food?!” Pudge hadn’t grown out of her name; in fact, she’d grown into it. At a whopping 376 pounds, she could no longer walk and often stated that Little Debbie was her best friend. Momma ignored Pudge and handed Honey Boo Boo the bucket of cheese balls she had been holding. “Gimme those there cheese balls sista!” Pudge had been watching enviously as Honey Boo Boo made a sizeable dent in the cheese ball ration. Momma gave Pudge a dirty look. “Momma don’t give me that look! I ain’t the worst daughter you have! Chickadee done had her eighth baby last month, and each one of dem babies come from a different daddy!”
small mountains of orange powder surrounding Honey Boo Boo’s mouth and decided to quit her job right then and there. “These pageants breed fucking psychos,” she thought.
Momma snorted angrily, sounding almost identical to Glitzy. “Don’t make me come over there and fart on you!” Momma yelled. Honey Boo Boo laughed maniacally as Momma did just that. She loved her family; her boss was obviously mistaken. She said goodbye to her family and drove back to work to give Judy a piece of her mind.
Ms. Boo Boo turned abruptly on her heel and sashayed over to the stage and grabbed the tiara meant for the winner and placed it on her blonde curls before plopping into her seat as a judge. A look of cheesy delirium appeared on her face. “Looks like I done won it all again,” she thought.
Honey Boo Boo sped into the hotel hosting the pageant as quickly as her stub legs would carry her. She walked up to Judy and said, “Momma says I don’t need no help. Plus, Glitzy is my therapist.” Glitzy looked up at Judy with blank pig eyes. Judy gazed at the
Six months later, Honey Boo Boo was placed in jail for aggravated assault on a six-year-old girl who had won the Diva Pageant. The girl had refused to give up her tiara and cheese balls.
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Wedding destination: • Dominican Republic • Dom Peditro, Brazil • Domino’s Pizza • Downtown Des Moines
type of cake: • Vegan Pomegranate • Cookie Cake • Oreo Ice Cream Cake • Your Sister’s Leftovers
career path: • Italian Chef • Telemarketer • Crab Fisherman • Car Wash Cashier
Token drunken attendee: • Mother of the Groom • Grandfather of the Bride • Maid of Honor • Midlife Crisis Priest
Honeymoon adventure: • Hammock Camping • Rain Forest Exploration • Jamaica, Queens • Mt. Everest
Wedding entree: • Spaghetti • Chef Boyardee Ravioli • AYCE Soup & Salad • Frozen Lasagna
Pet acquired: • Bottle-nosed Dolphin • Common Marmoset • Maine Coon Kitten • Lice
midlife crisis: • Buys Mercedes Convertible • Face tattoo • Plastic Surgery ala Heidi Montag • Mike’s Hard Lemonade Addict Claim to Fame: • EDM Sensation • Becomes Facebook CEO • Breeds Kangaroos • Stops World Hunger
some dots on the page until a friend (or your brain) tells you to stop. Starting with M.A.S.H., go around the board crossing off whatever How to play Doodle option corresponds with your number. Go around the board until only one of each category is left. That, my friend, is your future. Enjoy it.
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The Black Sheep in no way promotes, encourages or supports binge drinking, and/or under-age drinking. This newspaper is designed for entertainment purposes only and does not recommend attempting anything printed in this publication. Please drink...responsibly and legally.
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