The Black Sheep
fre con e...lik d o m e yo s. A ur r nd o too omm thb ate rus ’s h.
Vol. 3, Issue 3
The College Newspaper That's Actually About College
9/5/13 - 9/11/13
uc robbed:
the black sheep on the case BY: Austin McLaurine The University Center became the center of attention on early Tuesday afternoon when a male dressed in scrubs and a mask robbed the Tennessee Federal Credit Union and left a suspicious package behind, thought to be a bomb. Students were quickly escorted out of the building, one forcefully, when he claimed “I’m not leaving, I literally just sold my kidney for this sandwich.” In an effort to keep people safe from a potential explosion, students were allowed to gather around the UC and watch the spectacle from a very safe 10-foot distance. One student on the scene said “I don’t know why the police were called, UT robs us every day and nobody calls the police on them.” While fascinating, our concern doesn’t lie with the event but the perpetrator. We are determined to get behind the reason of this robbery. The following are our potential culprits. Since the suspect was wearing scrubs, let’s assume it was someone from in the UT medical program. After being screwed over for four years as an undergraduate, and then dicked even harder in medical school, the pressure of being an extremely broke student finally crushed the will of this criminal and forced him to rob UT of their funds (although it wasn’t UT who was robbed, it’s fun to think so). Being a broke student himself, he should have known that there wouldn’t have been any money at a bank housed in a building full of broke students, so this was pretty bad planning on his part. As for the “bomb” left at the scene, maybe he wanted to mail a package and decided to rob the bank instead. Hey, people can be forgetful. One of the more outrageous ideas we have is that it was The Joker of Batman fame. Yes, we know that sounds crazy, we don’t know what he’s doing in Knoxville either. But, he has been seen wearing scrubs before, so he has that going against him. He doesn’t care about money either, which would explain why he robbed a collection of college students’ “savings.” Despite the evidence stacked so high against him, it would be hard to prove he did it since he’s been dead for a few years. Can you believe that Christopher Nolan actually convinced him to be in a movie? The surest suspect shouldn’t be a surprise to any of you. He is a mas-
ter criminal, one who steals in broad daylight and tells everyone via his campus-wide emails. This man is no other than Jimmy Cheek. His motives for robbing a bank housed on his own campus are pretty obvious: he felt like taking more money from us than he already does. Mr. Cheek has been contacted since the incident and was asked whether he was a part of the robbery or not. After dancing around the question, he said, “They don’t call me Jimmy ‘Spread Those’ Cheek(s) for nothing!” An even more
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Well, it was more like an interrogation, but we needed some answers.
devilish idea has formed since the robbery occurred: we believe that the robbery itself was a distraction job for Mr. Cheek to skip all of the lines at Chick-fil-A. He simply could not be bothered to wait with the peasants. News headlines will not report the truth of this incident to the public. As these stories hit the front pages of all the major news outlets, just remember: Jimmy Cheek is exactly who you think he is, a crook.
There is an art to being a Vol fan, and this schedule is a picasso.
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Bartender of the week Chantelle of Sunspot is um, um, um, cute and awkward.