Volume 5
The Black Sheep
Fre e! L at y ike dr our ied Gra out ndm can a’s h dy co ous rn e.
The College Newspaper That's Actually About College
Best Dressed 2014: Halloween Edition
Issue 3
The last day of October used to just be a fun day when you got to harass your neighbors until they gave you candy to make you leave, but now in college it’s turned into a major responsibility. If you plan on being seen past 6 p.m. on Halloween you better have a costume, and a damn good one at that. If your entire costume comes in an air-tight bag, go ahead and throw it out and start over. For the brave soul who thinks he can pull off a last minute costume, we have a few tips to help guide your decision. Scott Hannah wrote this MOVIE CHARACTERS: The best movie costumes come from terrible movies. Wear pajamas and eat pie straight out of the pan because you’re Melissa McCarthy in whatever movie just came out about her being funny because she’s fat and doesn’t care anymore. Or wear your most expensive suit out and ask everyone for money all night because you’re Zach Braff on Kickstarter. Or change like ten times throughout the night to satirically portray all the characters Ethan Hawke has played in the last year alone. MUSICIANS: This year the most likely costume will be Iggy Azalea of “Fancy” fame. Well, if you’re a girl you might find that on our list of “Top Ten Basic Girl Costumes.” However, if you’re a guy you’ve got the green light for this costume. Cross-dressing is a really funny concept as long as it’s done to the proper extent: too much and you’re the weird guy, but just right and you might have the best costume of all the guys at any given Fort party. TELEVISION FIGURES: Everyone will love any costume you come up with from the ol’ flashing sound box, just as long as it’s from the commercials instead of the shows themselves. Commercials are so much more frequent that there’s no shortage of potential costumes. Are you skinny and goofy looking? Wear and do whatever’s comfortable like the guy in the Southern Comfort commercial. Maybe you’re a girl with dark hair; stick on a nametag and you’re Flo from Progressive Insurance. Or, if you have no specific body type at all, say you’re a guy from the “First Kiss” advertisement and go around getting a first kiss from as many people as possible. CURRENT EVENTS: We live in pretty exciting times, with so many things happening in the world for you to parody through costume. So many institutions deserve ridicule for their actions in the past year. Take the NFL for example: you could dress up like Roger Goodell and dodge any questions anyone asks you all night. Make fun of people’s irrational fears and dress up like the Bubble Boy only to tell people you’re not in costume, you’re just scared of contracting Ebola. And if you need a little bit more of a throwback, be a Malaysian Airline plane and just vanish from the party halfway through the night. We couldn’t possibly cover all the great costumes that are out there, but hopefully we put you in the right mindset to come up with the best costume you can and beat all your friends, because let’s be honest, that’s all it’s really about anymore. And one last tip: if all else fails, a #16 jersey for a costume and a football for a prop is always acceptable here, for obvious reasons.
PAGE 5
PAGE 6
PAGES 10-11
TOP 10: BASIC B*TCH COSTUMES
UT STUDENT DISAPPEARS IN CORN MAZE
IF YOU CAN’T EVEN GET ENOUGH PSL, THEN YOU’LL LOVE THESE 10 IDEAS.
HE WAS CHILL, THOUGH, THINKING ABOUT NOT HAVING TO PAY HIS STUDENT LOANS.
MOVIES MONSTERS: WHERE ARE THEY NOW? WE OFFER SOME CLOSURE TO THOSE THAT’VE SUFFERED FROM THESE SCARY MONSTERS.
FOLLOW US @BLACKSHEEP_UTK OCTOBER 23rd, 2014 - NOVEMBER 5th, 2014 THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM
MEET the STAFF CAMPUS MANAGER Emily Hagenburger
OWNER Atish Doshi
ADVERTISING MANAGERS Christine Hibma
FOUNDERS Atish Doshi, Brendan Bonham, Heather-Jo Erickson, Jimmy DeBlasio, Jessica Sommers, Quinn Myers
WRITERS Austin McLaurine Alex Harward Meagan Dawson Scott Hannah
OWNED & OPERATED BY: Black Card Media, LLC 2130 W. Potomac Avenue Suite 1, Chicago, Illinois 60622 Contact Corporate: 217.390.1747 For Advertising: 608.712.0900
QUESTIONS? info@theblacksheeponline.com
DISTRIBUTION MANAGER Kelley Rieder
ADVERTISING? ads@theblacksheeponline.com
CAMPUS DIRECTOR Brendan Bonham
HATE US? lame@theblacksheeponline.com
DISCLAIMER: The Black Sheep in no way promotes, encourages or supports binge drinking, and/or under-age drinking. This newspaper is designed for entertainment purposes only and does not recommend attempting anything printed in this publication. Please drink...responsibly and legally.
FOLLOW US! @BLACKSHEEP_UTK • THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM
LOOKING FOR AN INTERNSHIP? Marketing, Ad Sales, Writing, and more! Get experience doing something YOU LOVE!
02
APPLY ONLINE TODAY! theblacksheeponline.com
PAGE 3
A FEW MORE WAYS
SEX EUPHEMISM OR SERIAL KILLER NICKNAME?
THE BIG EARED MIDGET
TO KILL SOME TIME.
BEAT OUR CAPTION! Tweet us a better caption and win a prize!
“WHAT HAPPENED TO MY POPSICLE?”
The above phrase is either a gross sex euphemism or a serial killer’s nickname. Which is it? Let us know by tweeting us your answer. If you’re right, you’ll win a prize! Check back next week for this week’s answer!
WORD of the WEEK TRANSPOORTATION Any method of getting from point A to point B that requires the participant to do more than walk to his or her car. Recoiling in horror when his car didn’t start, Monty realized he’d have to take some sort of transpoortation to get to class.
GUESS THE REALITY TV STAR! Whatever your dirty pleasure may be, don’t deny you watch reality TV. The image to the left is a silhouette of a reality TV star, and below are three clues as to who the person is. Let us know who you think it is by tweeting us your answer. If you’re right, you’ll win a prize!
1
An ambassador for the Starlight Children’s Foundation.
2
Made acting debut as Young Deb in Drop Dead Diva.
3
Has appeared in music videos by Sia, Alexx Calise and Todrick Hall.
# # #
PLAY WITH US! @BLACKSHEEP_UTK
PAGE 4 • THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM
AROUND CAMPUS
Local Girl Excited to Tell Everyone About “Play on Words” Halloween Costume Staff wrote this
Heso Hall freshman Audrey Olson knew she was going to make waves this Halloween when she decided she wasn’t going to be sexy Alice in Wonderland for the third year in a row.
goal. Olson continued, “I ordered eggs at Time Warp Tea Room when it frickin’ came to me! I was like ohhh my god. I could buy that devil costume and pair it with an egg costume and be deviled eggs!”
The idea came to Olson when she was browsing through the aisles at a costume store on Central Street. Olson and her friends went from the sexy Disney Princess section, to the sexy farm animal section, to the sexy silverware section. But the next aisle, Olson told us, had just what she was looking for.
Olson’s gal pals who were at the brunch recalled that she was quite excited when she originally thought of the idea and then continued to get more and more excited. “I thought about tasing her once or twice,” said her friend Emily. Other customers at the restaurant, and those eating across the street, reported that they heard screams and sqeals, sure someone had been badly hurt.
“Me and my friends were shopping for our costumes for Sig Ep’s big Halloween party,” Olson said, “and I saw this hellacute devil costume that was incredibly slutty in like an eternal damnation kind of way.” Immediately after seeing the costume, she ran out of the store. Olson’s ability to chug three venti lattes in under an hour and her exceptionally small bladder caused her to lose sight of her
At first excited for her, Olson’s friends became frustrated as the day went on. “It’s like she thinks she invented the whole idea of a pun… and I don’t think she even knows what a pun is,” said Robert McCoy, a junior in Olson’s human evolution class.“ When we told her it was a pun, she just looked at us blankly then said ‘no, it’s like
one of those play on words things.’” “I’m just so excited to, like, make people laugh this Halloween, you know? ‘Cause my costume is so funny. Usually I just give people boners or whatever, but this year I’ll make them pee their pants from all the laughter… and also give them boners. If we can learn anything from porn, boners and smiles go really well together,” Olson told The Black Sheep. Many of Olson’s friends have considered blocking her on Facebook and unfollowing her on Twitter. One friend reports that Olson will “sometimes just sit in the Presedential Court Dining Hall for all three hours of breakfast next to where the eggs are served and talk to people about her Halloween costume. As if it’s a big coincidence they’re running into each other by the eggs.” We followed up with Olson, who has apparently been diagnosed with a
BRAND NEW STUDENT HOUSING APPLY TODAY FOR FALL 2015 walk to class • fully furnished • private bedrooms & bathrooms fitness center • iMac computer center • theater room study lounge • individual leases • roommate matching available
serious case of diarrhea mouth. “… and it’ll be really sexy cause I can be like ‘who wants some deviled eggs,’ or whatever, and wink, or something, and it’ll be super sexy and funny,” was about one-tenth of what Olson said to us after being asked what her favorite spot on campus was. We do not have a large enough paper to print everything she said.
“No matter what, Halloween will be super-baller, but I don’t know, man, Audrey might like totally ruin it for us,” said McCoy just before drawing some smiley faces on his shoes with a felt tip marker. “See, happy feet; now that is a good pun.”
BUSY. BUSY. BUSY. BUSY. BUSY.
Penny T Kleinschmidt, Agent 3232 Tazewell Pike Knoxville, TN 37918 Bus: 865-688-5072 www.pennysue.com
Life insurance shouldn’t wait. Even though life is busy, take a moment to reflect on what’s most important. For peace of mind, protect your family with State Farm life insurance. Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there. CALL ME TODAY. ®
®
UWALKKNOXVILLE.COM 2308 FOREST AVENUE • 865.247.7231 Amenities subject to change.
State Farm Life Insurance Company (Not licensed in MA, NY or WI) State Farm Life and Accident Assurance Company (Licensed in NY and WI) Bloomington, IL 0901038.1
TRUE STORIEZ
THE TOP TEN Basic B*itch Costumes An entire month full of pumpkin spice, horror movies, and a whole day to dress up in skimpy over-priced clothes just to get some free candy sounds like a basic bitch’s dream. But really, it’s just Halloween: the costumes, the parties, the booze, and don’t forget the pumpkins! If you’ve been feeling like you “can’t even” here’s a list of costumes to let you know that you can… 10.) A Lampshade: We’re getting literal here, folks. Tired of people on Yik-Yak calling you out for “lampshading” in your classic sorority attire of long tees and norts? Show all them haters you don’t care with a Halloween costume that shows you’ve embraced what you’ve become. 9.) Barbie: Are you blonde? If you answered “yes” to this question there’s a 97% chance that you will be Barbie for Halloween. Hell, even if you’re a brunette there’s still like a 92% that you’re going to be Barbie for Halloween. Throw on your tightest pink dress, take a picture looking like you can’t move (because you’re supposed to be plastic – get it!), and rock that Barbie World.
NAKED AND AFRAID: A Harrowing Halloween Tale
8.) A Hot Sauce Packet from Taco Bell: Are you mild, verde, hot or fire sauce? Now’s your time to find out and to put that punny one-liner you thought of to use by drawing it in sharpie on a white tee with a printed-off Taco Bell logo. 7.) Risky Business: First, let us begin by remembering that a man in the movie originally wore the Risky Business outfit. So, there’s that. But a good portion of ladies will still take any excuse to wear an oversized button-down with knee-high socks. Are they even wearing pants? The Black Sheep asks the important questions.
Chalupa Batman wrote this
I woke up in an unlikely place and in even more unlikely circumstances: on the field at Neyland Stadium, alone, in the dark, and completely naked. I had no idea why I was there other than a vague remembrance of partying with Smokey at a Halloween throw-down in The Fort. I gathered my thoughts and stood up, blinking my eyes to adjust to the dark. I walked through the tunnel and climbed over the tall gate, being careful to not cause any unwanted injuries. I jumped down, and I was free. It was cold. Cold enough to where I didn’t want to be seen by anyone for very personal reasons. I scanned my surroundings but didn’t see anyone. I headed up the hill in front of me. I had no idea what time it was, but that didn’t concern me. I needed to somehow get back to my dorm. This would prove tricky since the desks are always manned and there are cameras everywhere. And in case you’ve forgotten, I didn’t have any clothes. A single light was in the distance. A beacon of my hope to eventually get home. I went over to the Torchbearer and kissed its feet. I drew close to its warm flame and waited until the heat gave me strength. I climbed down and walked over to the dirt in the park. I stuck my finger in and drew two lines under my eyes and put handprints on my chest (I’m not sure why I did this, but it seems cool in the movies). I resumed my journey with renewed faith of my safe return. Not moments later I saw someone: a UT Security truck making the rounds. Its headlights were blinding; I timed my departure to be out of its spotlights, but to my horror, they spotted me. ”Ha, look at the idiot! He’s naked,” the driver said to his partner. The other remarked that it must be some weird new costume trend and they drove
away, but their laughter carried in the quiet night. My shame almost ended my journey right there. I had come so far, but there was still so much farther to go to get back to Brown. Fed up with my situation, I took off at a sprint. I continued my marathon and barely stopped to check for traffic. As I worked my way past Hodges I saw some late-night partiers decked out in their Halloween finest cresting the hill and had to duck behind some bushes. I was finally close to home, but when I looked into my reflection in a puddle on the street I had to wonder what deranged occurrence had gotten me to this point. I stood up and took off again. I had just gotten to Melrose when I saw the flashing lights. “Naked guy! Freeze,” the policeman said while shielding his eyes from me. ”Oh, I already am,” I responded, determined to make it to my goal with wry humor. I ran and heard the full force of Knoxville’s finest behind me. I could see the lights of Brown. I could also hear the stun guns behind me as they just barely missed me. I turned a corner and was able to get out of sight. I used the opportunity to get to Brown and safely elude them. I made sure to wipe off any mud from my feet to not leave tracks. I finally made it to the front door. It was locked. I backed into an alley and called my roommate like 30 times until he finally let me in. He was too tired to question my lack of clothes, dignity…well, everything. I quickly ran to my room and fell on to my bed. I fell asleep thanking Butch Jones for my safe arrival.
6.) The Three Blind Mice/Musketeers/The Plastics: You and your two friends dressing up together? There’s a good chance that the three of you will dress up as one of these trios. You’ll think you’re so creative, but in reality you’re just as basic as it gets. 5.) A Pumpkin Spice Latte: It’s your favorite drink, right? So why not dress up as a PSL for Halloween? It’s basically pure genius. Starbucks gets free advertisement and you literally get to wear what you eat, it’s a win-win. 4.) Mario/Luigi: Dressing up with your bestie? Go for the most iconic BFF’s ever, Mario and Luigi! But seriously, do you girls even play video games? And no, Mario Kart doesn’t count. However, dozens of girly pairs will continue to don the red and green. Obviously any reason you can find to draw a mustache on your finger is a good one. 3.) A Hooters Girl: Do you work there? Probably not, but that doesn’t mean you can’t pretend for the night. The Hooters Girl is an iconic Halloween costume. Pull on those orange cheecksters and white tank top and you’re good to go for the night. Are the wings even good there? Who cares, this outfit is guaranteed to get you some tips. 2.) Any Celebrity: Girls will always want to dress up as celebrities because that’s just what they aspire to be. But let’s be real, if anything, girls are going to dress up as Kim K. and Miley. They’re both super-famous as well as kinky, so do with that what you will. 1.) Alcohol: Yes, this is real. Girls literally dress up as boxes of Franzia, a bottle of Jack, or even everyone’s favorite, a can of Natty Light. Basic bitches for the win, dressing up as what they drink. Not to mention, boys will thank you for mixing their two favorite things: scantily-clad girls and booze. Alex Harward wrote this
DOWNLOAD OUR FREE iPHONE AND ANDROID APP
UT STUDENT DISAPPEARS in Corn Maze Cory Chitwood wrote this
It was a cool October evening when a group of bored UT students decided to make a trip to an East Tennessee corn maze, but their evening of fun quickly turned into one of horror. When these Tennessee students went to the corn maze located in rural Knox County they were expecting an hour or two of familyfriendly entertainment trying to navigate the acres of confusing twists and turns – but after about 30 minutes in they realized that a member of their squad was missing. How could this happen to someone who is smart enough to be at a Top 25 – err – Top 50 public university? The Black Sheep takes an investigative look. “We looked for about 2 hours for him after we realized he was missing,” said one of Student X’s friends (the student in question has asked to remain anonymous). “We even started a Twitter hashtag to raise the alarm on a national scale – but it didn’t work. Nothing did.” Student X told The Black Sheep that his phone was dead the whole night and that he didn’t realize he was in trouble until the sun started to set. He didn’t even see the #Save[StudentX] hashtag that his friends graciously started, which achieved 20 retweets. “I wasn’t too worried at first,” said Student X, “I just thought to myself: ‘I’m in college – I know a lot; I can do this.’ But eventually I realized that in my nearly two decades of education I had learned nothing practical. I was alone, without food and water, and had no means of expressing my concerns on social media. I really thought those quadratic formulas would come in handy when it came to survival, but… they didn’t.” The lost student tore through the corn for hours trying to find a way out—but to no avail. Eventually he just sat down and ate some corn while contemplating what was going to happen to him. Would he get out? Would this be a good excuse to get out of taking that test on Monday? Was he gonna die right before Tennessee started being good at football again? The questions became too much and panic set in. “I was so scared that I was gonna die in this damn thing,” he said. “But then I started thinking about all my student loans and just kinda accepted my fate.” It was during this time as a farm castaway that he found peace in his situation. “Sure, dying of thirst sucks, but so does being $50,000 in debt,” he said. Meanwhile, panic mounted in the Vol community over the student’s disappearance. Friends and family organized themselves and went to the farm where the student had vanished to ask for help from the farmer, who was unfortunately deaf. The group tried to communicate with him by writing down what they wanted to say on paper, but the farmer was from Alabama and thus unable to read. Taking matters into their own hands, the missing student’s friends and family scoured the corn looking for signs of him. After hours of searching through acres of nothing but corn, they finally found their beloved friend but were bewildered by the disappointment he seemed to display at being rescued. “To be honest,” he said, “the first thing I thought was: ‘shit, now I’m gonna have to pay those loans.’ ”
06
PARTY PICS
Tweet us your #partypics, or send them to pics@theblacksheeponline.com
ON THE STREETS What do you think will be the most overused Halloween costume this year? AARON “Your mom.”
TONY “Ebola.”
GENNA “A zombie.”
07
Come in on Thursday Game Days For Our Beer and Wings Special! $0.55 Wings & $1 Off Beers HOURS: Sunday - Thursday: 11-10 • Friday-Saturday: 11-11 4618 Kingston Pike, Knoxville, TN • (865) 247-0380 THE BAR GRID ON THE STRIP
SPECIAL NIGHT
Happy Hour Monday-Friday, 3-7pm: $2 Pints, $5 Appetizers
Come Check Us Out at: 118 N. Forest Park Blvd, Knoxville, TN Or Call Us: 865.558.6418 Get All These Amazing Specials by Mentioning The Black Sheep or Showing Us the App or Phone!
SATURDAY! $3 Domestic Bottles $4 High Gravity Beers $5 Walk Me Downs Live Music on the Patio
SUNDAY! $5 Bud Light & Yuengling Pitchers $7 Micro Pitchers
SUNDAY - FRIDAY $1 Off Drafts before 8pm
Thursday
Thirsty Thursday Drink Specials! Happy Hour 3-7pm: $2 Pints, $5 Appetizers
Burrito Norteno $5.75 24oz Regular Margarita $5.29 Show/Mention Special to Get It!
Mexican Night! $1 Tacos $2 Mexican Beers $4 Margaritas Live Music w/ Shane from Caution
Two 16” 2- topping Pizzas, Full Order of Wings and a 2-Liter for $40!
$1 Off Drafts before 8pm
Friday
Jazz Night 9pm! Happy Hour 3-7pm: $2 Pints, $5 Appetizers 10/24: T. Michael Branner Conceptet 10/31: Kukuly and the Gypsy Fuego
Burrito Mexicano $6.75 Show/Mention Special to Get It!
$3 Domestic Bottles $4 High Gravity Beers $5 Walk Me Downs DJ Stan Upstairs
Follow Sergeant Pepperoni’s on Facebook (fb.com/SgtPepperonis) and sergeantpepperonis.com to see special offers
$1 Off Drafts before 8pm
Jazz Night 9pm 10/25: Mark Boling
Nacho Fajitas $7.49 Happy Hour All Day Show/Mention Special to Get It!
$3 Domestic Bottles $4 High Gravity Beers $5 Walk Me Downs Live Music on the Patio
All Drafts and Bottles Just $2, All Day Long! Follow us on Facebook for Special Deals!
Disco Night! Bring your own disco records! $1 OFF ALL 24/25 OUNCE FOSTERS & RED STRIPE! Comedy Show at 7pm and Live Music After
Sunday
Jazz Brunch 12-2pm
Nacho Fajitas $7.49 Happy Hour All Day Show/Mention Special to Get It!
Closed for Private Parties Please Come In to Inquire
$5 Bud Light & Yuengling Pitchers $7 Micro Pitchers
$1 off All Bottles and Drafts
Monday
Variety of Vegetarian Options! Happy Hour 3-7pm: $2 Pints, $5 Appetizers
Echiladas Supremas $6.25 Happy Hour All Day Show/Mention Special to Get It!
Closed for Private Parties Please Come In to Inquire
Three 3-Topping Pizzas for $21
$1 Off Drafts before 8pm
Tuesday
Happy Hour 3-7pm: $2 Pints, $5 Appetizers
Burrito Delux $6.25 Happy Hour All Day Show/Mention Special to Get It!
Closed for Private Parties Please Come In to Inquire
Buy One 14” Specialty Pizza, Get Second One 1/2 Off
$1 Off Drafts before 8pm $2 Yuengling
Wednesday
Jazz Night 9pm Happy Hour 3-7pm: $2 Pints, $5 Appetizers 10/29: Barry Roseman
Nacho Supreme $5.99 Show/Mention Special to Get It!
American Night $2 Bud and Bud Lights $4 Wild Turkey Honey $5 American Harvest $5.99 Burgers
2 Calzones for $12
$1 Off Drafts before 8pm
Saturday
We’ve all been there: it’s time for bed, the nightlight in the hall has mysteriously gone out, you don’t dare let your feet dangle off the bed for something might grab them, and your parents have told you for the tenth time to, “Go the hell to sleep, you’re 22-years-old.” The Black Sheep remembers, and we’ve decided to offer some closure to those that’ve suffered scary monsters. LOGAN BAILEY WROTE THIS
Casper the Friendly Ghost
Velociraptor
Claim to Fame: Befriending children. Where We Last Saw Them: Floating around with a tween Hilary Duff in a vacation resort. Where Are They Now?: Since then, the dead man-boy moved back to his shitty house from the first movie and got hitched. Unfortunately, his uberfriendly demeanor has led to a lessthan-happy marital situation. His wife, Sasperella the Kind-of-Bitchy ghost, isn’t exactly the friendly type – forcing our favorite poltergeist into a sad sort of servitude. Casper spends his days doting on his lovely wife. “I love her very much,” the friendly ghost tells The Black Sheep, “no matter what, through sickness and in health.” The couple are set to appear on their own reality show on the E! Network this spring, ’Til Death Do Us Part. Despite his disgust toward the idea, Casper still signed the contract after his wife told him to. “The pathetic thing is, it’s his own fault,” Sassperella stated, “the little bitch can’t say no.”
Claim to Fame: Eating people at a theme park, battling a T-Rex, and opening doors. Where We Last Saw Them: …eating people, fighting a T-Rex, and opening doors. Where Are They Now?: With his vicious, pointy teeth and giant claws, Velociraptor has created some terrifying cinematic moments. His glory days on the silver screen behind him, everyone’s favorite raptor has since earned degrees in paleoecology, paleontology, and quantum mathematics. Now an exhibit coordinator at the Natural History Museum in Chicago, Velociraptor has made quite a living, as well as a strangely off-putting British accent. “I fear my days as an actor have tainted my species,” the non-avian doctor said, “that ignorant sod Spielberg made sure of it, dehumanizing us every chance he got.” The prehistoric creature has since vowed to reestablish his species as top-dog, signing on as a consultant for the upcoming Jurassic World. “For too long, we Theropods have been portrayed as, dare I say, primitive. Pish-posh, I say! We are some of the most impressive creatures to roam this earth! Pick a door, any door, and watch me open it!” Velociraptor is reportedly making a seven figure salary.
The Creature from the Black Lagoon
Oogie Boogie
Claim to Fame: Kidnapping damsels in distress, taking them to his creepy lair in a swamp. Where We Last Saw Them: Sinking to the bottom of the Black Lagoon, riddled with bullets. Where Are They Now?: As the star of the sitcom, The Gillmans, Gilbert Gillman of the Black Lagoon couldn’t be happier. “Erghh-glersh, Academy Awards-gluhgersh,” the ABC star stated, and he’s probably right. After a brief, but successful stint in black and white film, Mr. Gillman drifted away from Hollywood, but of his own accord. “Erfhh-glaff, lerghh-laswah, errghy-settle down,” the star stated, “erghhin-make babies.” It wasn’t until the mid-2000s that Mr. Gillman reemerged, with the continuous support of his wife, as the beloved Manny Gillman on The Gillmans, and stole the hearts of millions.
Claim to Fame: Constantly attempting to take over Christmas, and kill Santa Claus. Where We Last Saw Them: An empty sack lying at Jack Skellington’s feet. Where Are They Now?: Since then, Oogie has come to terms with himself, claiming abstinence from gambling as his reason for success. The former gambling addict now hosts weekly Gamblers Anonymous meetings, serving as team leader for his charter of the group. “We, uh, admit that, uh, we are powerless over gambling – whether it’s children’s lives or money – and that our lives are unmanageable… or something like that,” Mr. Boogie said about how he overcame his addiction. “This is a great, uh, program they’re running here. It’s really helped me and my, uh, issues.” He works as a janitor in Emerson Elementary in Battle Creek, Michigan.
WHERE ARE THEY NOW?
Freddy Krueger
Slender Man
Claim to Fame: Murdering adolescents in their dreams. Where We Last Saw Them: Battling his friend Jason at Crystal Lake, which of course caused his decapitation and subsequent recovery into the man he is today. Where Are They Now?: Our least favorite dreamscaper, Freddy Krueger, has since retired from murdering teenagers as they sleep. In recent years, Krueger has found what he says is his true calling – a firefighter. In a sense, Krueger has always been a sort of fighter of fires. “The bastards burnt me alive! I won’t say whether they had reason to or not, but ever since, I’ve just had this burning feeling that I should extinguish all fire,” Krueger told us. Living in the rural town of Burt, Iowa, Freddy has become a town hero – a Smokey the Bear type. You can see his smiling face on billboards and in schools in the greater Burt area, reading, “Remember kids, only you can prevent house fires – and if you don’t, I’ll find you.”
Claim to Fame: Ruling the internet and children’s nightmares. Where We Last Saw Them: Every. Single. Website. Everywhere. Where Are They Now?: Now a successful model for the GAP and H&M products, Slender Man can be seen gracing the covers of several magazines, becoming a staple in men’s fashion. “He’s just real easy to work with, you know?” photographer Jordan Parham said. “There’s just something about that face – so surreal and calm. You can almost see every emotion at the same exact time when you look at him.” Several stars have requested the looks of Slender Man as well, asking if it is at all possible to Photoshop their face onto his slender, near-perfect body. “I’m not getting any younger,” actor Mickey Rourke said, “so why not use his services – what could it hurt?”
Damien
Pennywise
Claim to Fame: Being the Antichrist. Where We Last Saw Them: Holding the President’s hand, looking ominously into the camera. Where Are They Now?: Ever since his parents tried to kill him, this son of Satan has found new meaning for his life. Raised in a government halfway house, Damien Thorn has vowed to champion pro-life movements throughout the nation. “I had a very close call as an infant,” Thorn stated in recent press conference, “if I was granted the right to live by my government, then goddammit, so does every life, hellborn or not!” A steadfast Republican, the jackal-born Antichrist is a frequent contributor to Republican fundraisers and campaigns, often working as a speech-writer. He served as co-writer for the 2012 Romney presidential campaign. “I was sadly banned from joining the seminary, but I found a new calling as a writer,” Thorn said, “the lord sure works in mysterious ways.”
Claim to Fame: Eating children (seeing a theme here?) Where We Last Saw Them: Battling pissed-off adults in a cave… as a giant spider-creature. Where Are They Now?: After killing an undisclosed number of children in the 1980s, Pennywise the demon clown claims his murdering days are behind him. In a stunning revelation, last year he announced he will run for governor in Maine in the November 2014 elections. “I’ve turned a new leaf,” the clown said in a televised interview, “the fact is, I know what it’s like on the other side and I’ve seen the underbelly of this state. With my help, I know we can turn the great state of Maine around!” He plans to run on a platform of “cleaning the streets,” vowing to rid neighborhoods of the inner-city youths that have really “bastardized America” and “deserve to be eaten for their crimes.”
Sid
Count Chocula
Claim to Fame: Dr. Frankenstein-ing his toys into creepy abominations. Where We Last Saw Them: Almost throwing Woody and pals into a garbage truck, like a dick. Where Are They Now?: Everyone’s most hated preteen, Sid Phillips deserves no love. After dropping out of high school his freshman year, Phillips fell into obscurity. Working as a garbage man, he found the perfect cover for his sinister plans. In a horrific discovery, police uncovered a mass grave in a landfill near Columbus, Ohio where Phillips worked. Before they even considered taking him in for questioning, he turned himself in. “The son of a bitch just walked in, grinning ear to ear, and copped to the whole thing,” Ohio State Police officer Randy Tibbitts stated, “piece of shit was proud of it.” After the arrest, police raided Phillips’ home where they found several dismembered bodies. It was revealed in a police report that Sid Phillips would play a strange form of house with the body parts, claiming they “spoke to him” and were “alive and well.”
Claim to Fame: A delicious chocolate breakfast food. Where We Last Saw Them: On a cereal box in October. Where Are They Now?: Living in suburban Indiana, The Count now works as a humble dental assistant. In a series of lawsuits, furious American parents— blaming their children’s rising dental bills and America’s obesity epidemic on his product—stripped Chocula of his career and dignity. Scorned, but not yet broken, Chocula continued his crusade for delicious sugary cereals, going as far as publically announcing that his family would start a diet of only his cereal for an entire year to prove its worth. Sadly, in his obsession with reclaiming his fame, his own son lost his life after losing both of his fangs from cavities brought on by the cereal. “I’ve learned my lesson,” The Count said, “I know now the error of my ways, and the deadly power of sugary cereals.”
BARTENDER of the WEEK Relationship Status: Single • Favorite Drink: Angry Orchard Favorite Shot: Fireball • Disgusting Drink: Irish car bomb If you had to go down a Slip ‘N Slide lubed with any liquor, what liquor would you choose?: Patron, because Patron is awesome. Do you have a message for our future robot overlords?: Tip your bartender. What old-timely slang word do you want to bring back to the mainstream?: “Groovy”
KENNY OF HANNAH’S CAFE THE DRINKING GAME
LOST AND FOUND Here at The Black Sheep know how rough weekend nights can get. You might end up lost on campus, running home in your underwear or – God help you – lying face down in a pile of your own shit outside of a bar. Most concerning is when you wake up the next morning without half the stuff you left with. Well, tonight we’re going to retrace our steps and find your stuff the only way we know how: get just as drunk and do it all over again. What You’ll Need: Half the items you had last night, more beer, and the ability to regain your memory. Number of Players: You and your internal compass. Level of Intoxication: Exactly the same as your previous night, one step too far and you’ll end up losing everything you have left with you. How to play: - Wake up and realize you’ve lost everything you need to survive: wallet, phone, that tiny picture of a muskrat you keep in your pocket because you think it’s too funny. - Try calling your phone from your friend’s phone like an idiot. - Actually believe you’re going to find it for a second and then lose all hope. - Get as drunk as you did last night out of self-pity. - Realize that if you’re just as drunk as you were before, then logically you must be able to retrace your steps with no problem. - End up at a bar, shaking the bouncer and yelling, “WHERE IS IT?” The Game Ends When: You wake up the next morning just to realize that everything was in your pants pocket from the night before. Whoops.
DOWNLOAD OUR FREE APP FOR ALL THE GAMES!
To whom do you most want to whisper, “Bathroom, five minutes.”?: The blonde guy from The Notebook.
Is there anything a good ol’ fashioned karate chop doesn’t solve?: Nope. A man wearing sunglasses at night is…: A creeper or a gangster. Which Taco Bell item best represents your personality?: Cheesy Fiesta Potatoes, because that’s the only thing I eat from Taco Bell. Who is your mortal enemy, and what malicious rumor would you like us to spread about them?: Crazy Legs Sam, being a notorious gossiper.
RECIPE FOR DISASTER
DRUNK NACHOS It’s that point at the night where you’ll eat anything. You’ve perused the cabinets and you’ll settle for a block of uncooked ramen if you have to, but then you see it: a bag of chips. And then you remember it: There’s a bag of cheese in the fridge. That only means one thing, bud. Drunk nachos. What You’ll Need: The will to stand next to a microwave for 45 seconds, the creativity to place cheese on a few chips. Fatty Factor: Enough cheese to choke a few times while trying to swallow the chips. Let’s Get Baked: - Grab a handful of chips and put them on the plate (it’s much easier to pour from the bag). - Refrain from eating handfuls of cheese and leave them where they are on the chips. - Shove that shit in the microwave and wait 45 seconds. - DON’T try to eat one right after taking them out, you’ll burn your tongue and kill any hope at tasting all future chips. - Get some salsa while you wait (it will also help cool off those chips). - Screw it, don’t wait any longer. Burn your mouth if you have to, they’re too good to not eat. - Lay in your pile of crumbs and total satisfaction. You did it. You made nachos. Wasn’t that better than a shitty block of ramen or a can of SpaghettiOs? If you keep using your head like that, things will be looking up for you!
NOMNOMNOM AT THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM
SIGN OF THE TIMES
Staff wrote this The growing popularity of the social media app Yik Yak is creating a stir on campus. Students will do anything to increase their Yakarma, the points earned through upvotes. But just like a senile grandpa at the dinner table, the squirrel jokes and overtly racist Yaks are causing a problem in lectures as professors are now fighting for the attention of their students. Much to their dismay, not even an increase in iClicker questions is helping. “With iClicker questions, someone will post a Yak asking for the answer,” said sophomore Janice Olson. “The reply with highest Yakarma is usually the right answer.” The students are so wellpracticed using the system that a 30-second iClicker question can be posted on Yik Yak and the correct answer upvoted within 20 seconds – or even as quickly as 15 if users are able to sift through the “my dick lol” spam posts.
How are professors aiming to combat the new phenomenon? “I try to keep class interesting by talking about things students are interested in, like weed and alcohol, but Yik Yak is too powerful,” said Professor Vasquez, who teaches ECON 102. During large lectures, students are constantly Yaking about what’s happening in class, quotes from the professor talking about pot brownies, that one girl wearing see-through leggings, a guy answering every question like he has a Ph.D, and those who aren’t able to ‘even.’ You don’t even have to go to class to learn what’s going on, you just have to check the top Yaks. I haven’t felt this obsolete in my life since I was a grad student,” lamented Prof. Vasquez. The popularity of Yik Yak gave one professor the idea to change the format of her lectures. Mary Friedrich, who teaches PLSL 210, told her class
that Tuesday’s lecture would be instructed entirely over Yik Yak. “I downloaded the app a couple days ago to see what the big deal is,” said Professor Friedrich. “Now I have 4,000 Yakarma and have subsequently lost all control over my life at the expense of seeing that beautiful upward arrow highlighted.” Friedrich says she got the idea from seeing so many Yaks about her own lecture. “I figured, if this is what students are going to look at, I might as well hop on the bandwagon.” Tuesday, October 21, was the first trial of giving a lecture through the app. “I’m limited to 140 characters, so each one is to the point. Plant Science is pretty simple... just plants and stuff,” said Friedrich. A slew of Yaks were posted all in a row by Friedrich, explaining the principles of plantiness. However, this sparked a war between morally conflicted
upvoters and downvoters. Some students in her class tried to upvote because lectures on Yik Yak meant not having to go to class. Other students, who didn’t know what was going on, thought one guy was spamming the app with irritating plant facts. Dozens of reposts appeared all itching
to hop on the Yakarma train. One user even went so far as to post false plant facts to confuse the students of PLSL 210. “That’s when I decided this couldn’t be done,” said Friedrich. “Sorting through the incorrect plant facts and ‘BOREophyll’ posts would take too much effort.”
In the end, the Yik Yak lecture was an interesting experiment but failed painfully. “Some of the replies were somehow racist against plants,” said Friedrich. “Definitely a new low for the university. I don’t even want to mention what was said about the Clitoria Ternatea flower.”
ught, o h t d n pa *!t.” then ck Shee s a l s i B h e t h an dT etter th ver rea b e g e n i ’v h u et If yo rite som w d l u co “Man, I
E M O C BE
.
R E T I R AW
SPECIAL BLACK SHEEP DISCOUNT SHOW THIS AD FOR EXCLUSIVE SPECIALS! SPEND $10 and RECEIVE $2 OFF!
SPEND $20 and RECEIVE $4 OFF!
SPEND $30 and RECEIVE $5 OFF!
s l writer a n i g i r do nted an today at e l a t r o f ly ooking n. App o i t a c i l We’re l pub for our
m o c . e n i l eepon
h s k c a l b the
All Day HAPPY HOUR: SATURDAY - TUESDAY (Not valid with other discounts or weekly specials) 118 N. Forest Park Blvd. • Knoxville, TN • (865) 558-6416
Print • Mobile • Online
PAGE 13 • THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM
Professor Resorts to Teaching Lectures via Yik Yak
Let's Play
THE BACK PAGE
Squares!
the WEEKEND BACK HOME madlib After all the parties on ___1___ and the constant attention from the dude in my ___2___ class and the T.A. with the big ___3___ in my ___4___ class, I just needed to get away for awhile. So I borrowed my roommates ___5___ and headed back home to ___6___, to see what the young ___7___ are up to and sleep in a real bed. But when I got home, my room had been turned into something out of a ___8___-music video, and I quickly shut the door. I instantly hit-up ___9___, my old friend who I knew would have some dank ___10___ that I so suddenly needed. We met up at ___11___ and everything felt like I had never left. I told him/her about college, how I’ve drank ___12___ of flavors of Burnett’s so far and that I’ve realized ___13___ is my favorite of all shitty beers. Then, per tradition, we went to ___14___ and laughed about how we couldn’t tell if ___15___ was fat or pregnant. The next morning I woke up on the couch, with the local ___16___ news on, and my parent’s new ___17___ puppy taking a poo on the floor. I looked over and all my clothes - dirty or not - were cleaned and folded on top of my bag. I walked over to the kitchen to grab a box of ___18___ and to make a pot of coffee, which I noticed was already made. God, parents are so adult-like. I sat down and sighed at how pleasant and relaxing it was to be at home, without ___19___ on the 2nd floor screaming ___20___ lyrics at 4 a.m., or without ___21___ down the hall pounding on my door to shotgun ___22___s to ___23___ before we hit up a frat party. But I knew it was time to head back to ___24___ when I heard strange noises from inside my old bedroom. That’s when I noticed 50 Shades of Grey on the kitchen counter and thought, “Isn’t that book so two-years ago, anyway?” and remembered why I hated my antiquated town. I gathered up my clean clothes, wrote my parents a note expressing how glad I was they were enjoying being empty-nesters, and hit the open road.
CLUE BANK 1) Campus street 2) Required class 3) Body part 4) Blow-off class 5) Luxury car 6) Hometown 7) Your high school’s mascot 8) Heavy metal artist 9) High school stoner friend 10) Weed slang 11) Your old weed-smoking spot 12) Number 13) Cheap beer 14) Old munchies spot 15) Old female acquaintance 16) Basic cable channel 17) Type of dog 18) Kid cereal 19) Slutty girl 20) Pop star 21) Bro-y bro 22) Shitty beer 23) Even shittier EDM artist 24) College town
15
SIX DEGREES OF SEPARATION KATE UPTON
MORGAN FREEMAN Kate Upton and Morgan Freeman are connected in - you guessed it - six degrees. Do you know how that’s possible? Tweet us your answers or send us the breakdown at classtime@theblacksheeponline.com. If you’re right, you’ll win a prize!
SIZE REALLY DOES MATTER...
OUR FLOOR PLANS
ARE HUGE! HENLEY APARTMENTS Stainless Appliances \\ Granite \\ Custom Cabinets 1 and 2 Bedroom Floor Plans \\ Bark Park
865-686-6231 \\ thehenleyapartments.com 200 Lowwood Drive \\ Knoxville, TN 37930