The Black Sheep
F ab REE ou ... l t h ike an th dg e U un T a as ler sa ul ts y t a ou tZ g ax et by ’s.
• a college newspaper that’s actually about college •
Volume 2, Issue 3 • 1/24/13 - 1/30/13
theblacksheeponline.com @blacksheepUTK
the umbrella wars lindsey fleck wrote this
A rainy day in Knoxville means having to suit up from head to toe in a rubbery human condom, because protection in the rain is equally as important as it is during sex. But just like sex, you don’t want to head into the rain empty-handed. Your weapon of choice? The umbrella. It’s a war out there, people! Raindrops are falling on people’s heads, and getting across campus without getting wet is about as likely as the Pope getting a venereal disease. But umbrellas aren’t all dry clothes and sunshine: there’s a dark side to these rain defenders that poses a threat to fellow pedestrians. Pair students rushing to make it to their next class in time for the grade-destroying clicker attendance with the constant construction on campus, and you have what we in the walkin’ business call a “clusterfuck.” Walkways have shrunk significantly and the harsh journey to classes is longer than it used to be, there is limited space to walk between people, and it gets a little tricky when all these students are trying to avoid the downpour while holding umbrellas, and so the mighty clash of umbrella warfare begins. While at the canopy level umbrella wires clash and spur, below are vagrants performing “umbrella sneaks.” The scavengers of the walkway take advantage of the crowd and umbrellahop their way to class. These people are typically on the shorter side, and prey on those umbrella holders whose backpack isn’t so bulky they are pushed aside. The Umbrella Sneak is a dangerous method and should only be attempted by the best of the best. Not just any student can pull it off, and those who can’t are the ones pushed into giant puddles. In addition to umbrella sneaking, the short bastards on campus can navigate campus worry-free from being poked in the eye. Tall people, who typically have the genetic upper hand, are not awarded such a lucky fate. Instead, they’re poked in the side, temple, shoulder, and worst of all, the eyeball. A tall umbrella-holder will usually gather two or three short scavengers, like pilot fish to a shark. This doesn’t save tall people from being prodded, however, the only thing that could save them is to revolutionize the blunt umbrella or make it be sunny all the time – and the Earth will be a hot fiery hellhole before people start using blunt umbrellas.
If you make it to class dry and free of eye gouges, there is always the biggest problems with umbrellas: getting in and out of buildings. Superstition dictates you close the blasted thing before you get into the building, but while you’re trying to close your umbrella and get into the warm building you have to avoid the people leaving the building trying to open their own umbrellas. This produced a weird little dance, a battle of wits. One of you will be getting wet, and the better in/out umbrella dancer will prevail.
Basically you have three choices next time rain is on the forecast: 1) bring your umbrella everywhere and engage in umbrella warfare, 2) take your chances and see if you’re short and fast enough to dodge from one umbrella to the next, or 3) just say “screw it, I’m staying in bed.” The Black Sheep likes to sleep the rain off, we’re pacifists – when it comes to class AND umbrella warfare.
what'’s inside The price of a textbook is too damn high
Bar Star’s Manifesto
bartender of the week
Every man’s gots to have a code...
Trevor at The Hill is just like the rest of us - loves Flip Cup, the Vols, and The Walking Dead.
page 6
page 12
We all complain about it, so lets all apathetically find a way to fix it!
page 4