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• a college newspaper that’s actually about college •
Volume 1, Issue 4 9/27/12 - 10/3/12
theblacksheeponline.com @blacksheepUTK
The Library Distraction Effect Emily Hagenburger wrote this
You have a test to study for, or an essay to write, or a group project to work on. The obvious choice is to go to the library, right? Though it seems like the most studious atmosphere to get shit done, a trip to Hodges may hurt you more than it helps. Why? Because everybody goes to the library. And when you place hundreds of overly A.D.D. college kids in one place, shit almost surely does not actually get done. Readers, all of you have gone through this process at one point: you decide to meet up with some friends in the Starbucks area or on the 3rd or 6th group studying floors. You get there, spread out your books and laptops, have all the appearances of looking productive, and then 9 times out of 10 you end up spending more time goofing off than you do working. For one, when you have to study, anything, anything seems more entertaining than what you actually need to get done. There are many reasons as to why library distraction happens. First off, you brought friends with you. Mistake. Now countless scenarios can occur. Consider the following: Your friends start discussing their engineering class. Suddenly thermodynamics seems really interesting to you in a way it never was before. Then another friend shows you an addicting game online. There goes one hour wasted. Before you know it you find yourself pondering life’s questions and posing them to the group – “If you had to choose, would you rather have the claws of a crab or the legs of an ostrich?” Then you remember you’re supposed to be writing an essay on the War of 1812. You have a burst of productivity for thirty minutes… then of course Sarah wants to show you a picture of a cute guy in her class, and somehow you end up looking at every picture on his Facebook since 2006. Basically, when you study with friends, you’re just inviting distractions into your life. Then again, studying alone isn’t foolproof either. Even by yourself, you devise many reasons to be unproductive. You go solo into Hodges, weave through the innumerable rows of books to find a good place to set up, then you sit there staring at your computer screen, trying to force yourself to work.
Five Students You Will Sit Next to in Class This is assuming you attend five classes, of course.
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Suddenly, listening to an adjacent table’s conversation about their roommates’ inability to clean up after themselves is the most interesting thing in the world to you. You try to fix the situation by putting in headphones, but then you get too caught up in singing along to Lil’ Wayne to concentrate on calculus. Then you decide you need more caffeine to fuel your academic ventures so you go to Starbucks…for the third time. Any time you do spend working then allows you to justify a study break that ends up being much longer than the actual study time. “I’ve written 100 words! This totally allows some r/funny browsing time.” An hour later, you notice a weird pain in your neck. Obviously you
what’s inside
need to Google your symptoms to find out what’s wrong. You then realize that you must be dying, so what’s the point in even studying for accounting anymore? You need to enjoy life while you can! Then you curl up in one of those cubicles meant for grad students and take a nap. Ultimately, it doesn’t matter if you go in a group of friends or by yourself, but somehow every well-meaning trip to Hodges ends up with you going home feeling oddly less productive than you expected. But you’re not to blame, and even your friends aren’t to blame. It’s the library distraction effect, and it claims millions of student victims every semester. Just remember - you are not alone.
from the streets
cone zone campus
how do you cope with the struggle of living on a dry campus?
how about we just tear down the whole campus, huh? let’s start from scratch.
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contents page 5: Are You Harry Potter or are You Just Drunk?
Questions? Comments? Compliments? Insults? info@theblacksheeponline.com
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why can’t it be both, huh?
page 7: the top ten utk timesavers or, just skip class... all the time.
Table of
page 10: flipping the script
What happens when your favorite TV character stops being fake, and starts being real?
page 11: the black sheep interviews: junk culture
This modern one-man band is in the gnome.
page 12: bartender of the week Kersty from Cool Beans hates mondays but loves jameson.
page 13: The Black Sheep’s Overly Specific October Horoscopes
Well, about as specific as every other horoscope out there.
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! k e e W e h t f o c Pi
college kids i want to punch in the face "The One Who Thinks They Know Everything"
Sexy Anagrams
I AM BEEEEER MANNNNN!!!!! (Want to be famous next week? Awesome.)
Send us your pic of the week at pics@theblacksheeponline.com
Ark As Hi
Do you know who these hotties are? Send your answers to anagrams@theblacksheeponline.com First five right answers get a prize!
Rich Mesh Throws last week’s answers
Arianny Celeste & Ryan Phillippe
word of the week
Castrabate: A forced stoppage of masturbation by either party in a relationship.
“Dude, ever since Ann gave Keith the castrabate ultimatum he’s been arrested twice for beating up strangers in the street.”
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Five Students You Will Inevitably Sit Next To In Class This Semester erin eller wrote this Once upon a time, around 20 years ago, five unique beings were brought into this world for the sole purpose of adding some spice to your college career. Now, out of thirty thousand undergrad students at UTK, fate has spoken, and these students have ended up in your lectures this semester! Here’s a quick introduction to some of the classmates you’ll come hold near and dear to your heart: Facebook Junkie: Never without her MacBook, this student is always doing something on the Internet unrelated to the lecture. If you can find her on Twitter, you’ll have access to all of her thoughts on the lecture, along with the occasional “LOL!” followed by a link to #whatshouldwecallme. Pros: By sitting behind her, you’ll be updated on her friends’ drama on a consistent basis. Cons: There’s a high potential that this person will ask to borrow your lecture notes, at which point you can hand her a detailed rundown of which of her friends are sleeping with each other. Moment to watch for: You’ll catch this student trying to amend a bad hair day using her webcam at least once. Empty Chair: The student you’ll see twice all semester: once on the first day, once at the review session before the final. Maybe. Pros: You now have a place to keep your backpack off the floor. Also serves as a buffer between you and the other types of students on this list. Cons: If (no, when) you get assigned to be this person’s lab partner, you might be left scratching your head. Don’t despair; who really likes group work, anyway? Moment to watch for: Expressions of regret and acts of borderline self-harm during the final exam.
Squirmy McSquirmson: Does this kid EVER stop fidgeting? Squirmy is never seen without a coffee in his right (no… he switched again… left) hand, which he could honestly probably do without. Pros: None really, except maybe that you’ll seem much more laidback in comparison. Cons: Provides endless distraction; may obstruct your view of the lecture for 30-second intervals as he rearranges himself more often than necessary during a 50-minute time period. Moment to watch for: The day when he drops his cell phone under your chair, then spends the rest of class kicking you in the back trying to reach it with his foot. Definitely Trying Too Hard: This person is incredibly eager to please both classmate and professor. Most likely to be found in the front row, bobbing her head enthusiastically after every sentence out of the professor’s mouth. Pros: You’ll learn exactly how not to fake smile. Cons: Where to begin? Endless streams of knife-twistingly awful puns, alternated with painfully obvious hypocrisy. Expect a Dr. Jekyll/ Mr. Hyde-like tendency to alternate between blatant brown-nosing and ruthless jokes at the professor’s expense. Moment to watch for: At some point over the course of the semester, this student will be called out on how two-faced he is. His total humiliation can only be described as priceless. The Neck-Breather: Do you feel a warm breeze in here? Is that actually Darth Vader sitting behind me? Can you check? I’m afraid to look. Pros: At least you know this student is very much alive. Cons: Try not to get distracted by his sexy whistling inhale or charming mucus-permeated exhale.
Moment to watch for: The first high-pressure testing situation. You’ll know exactly how panicked this student is feeling by the varying cadence and volume of his windpipes. Also a contender: allergy season. You probably recognize some of the individuals I’ve described, or maybe a combination of two or more. Maybe you even see yourself somewhere on this list. Regardless, you will inevitably come across most of these students at some point, so you’re welcome in advance.
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From the Streets
[PartyPics]
Got a question you want us to ask? FTS@theblacksheeponline.com
How do you cope with the struggle of living on a dry campus? “Pre-gaming is key.” - Shelby M., Journalism Junior
“Wait, this is a dry campus?” - Katie B., Secondary English Junior
“I live slightly off campus.” - Izzie B., Marketing Junior
send your party pics to pics@theblacksheeponline.com
(View and Send Pics from our iPhone & Android App! Search black sheep mobile)
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Are you Harry Potter? Or are you just drunk?
cody man wrote this
It’s been a long week of classes, work, and meetings and you’re just ready to drink your stress away on Friday night. So you go out, get smashed, and everything’s suddenly feeling so much better. All your friends are around you and the atmosphere is magical! Wait. Magical?! A sneaking suspicion grows on you, and you just have to know—are you actually Harry Potter? You could’ve sworn you went out to The Strip, but suddenly everything looks a little too much like Hogsmeade. Don’t worry, The Black Sheep has got you covered. Just make sure to carry our handy guide with you whenever you go and you’ll always be able to tell whether you’re the Boy Who Lived or just the Boy Who Lived a Bit Too Much. First off, find a stick somewhere and try to bring it into a bar. Wands are an essential item for any wizard, so if you’re in a magical tavern, the bouncer won’t give you a second glance. Granted, if he doesn’t allow you to bring in your “wand,” he could just be a Muggle. So this is just a quick preliminary test rather than a really decisive one. The next test is also an easy one. Grab the nearest broomstick and find a clear roof, because it’s time for a flying test. Either you’re not Harry Potter, and therefore won’t be able to heal yourself, or you are and you could possibly get a FUI citation (Flying Under the Influence) for flying so obviously. If the flying test is also inconclusive, there are still more ways to figure this out. Find a mirror and check out your reflection. Is there a scar on your forehead? If not, don’t rule out the possibility that you just can’t see it because you don’t have your glasses on. If there definitely is a scar there are two possible explanations. Either you actually are Harry Potter, or you cut your head open during the flying test. Get to the hospital, stupid. If you notice a hooded figure following you in the shadows, regardless of whether you’re Harry Potter or not, it’s probably not a Dementor unless you’ve also noticed the temperature drop precipitously. So there’s not a lot to worry about there—you’re probably just about to get kidnapped in an alley or something.
One other thing to keep in mind: When you’re wandering around outside, you’re likely to see some bright green lights. If there seems to be a general sense of panic around you, then RUN! Voldemort’s trying to cast the Killing Curse on you! But, if everything seems to be relatively normal, then those lights are probably just the traffic signals of Cumberland Ave. In that case, do not run. Running will cause a car to cast a Killing Curse of its own on you. If, after reading all the tips above, you’re still not sure whether or not you’re actually a student at UTK or at Hogwarts, there is one surefire test that will undoubtedly tell you the truth. Yell out the name “Voldemort!” really really loudly in a bar. Either people will begin shrieking in fear (telling you that you really are the Chosen One) or they will begin laughing hysterically at you (telling you that you really are the Crazy One). However, only resort to this method as necessary, as the resulting panic/embarrassment will be fairly intense. So remember, folks, always keep this guide on hand during your weekly (or nightly) forays into the possibly magical world of The Strip. Who knows, it might just save you from Voldemort.
The Top 10
utk time-savers 10.) Quit emailing your professors: Before you waste any more time asking your professors for help, an extension, or whatever else you need, try this handy time-saver. Grab a piece of paper, write “no” on it, and pocket it. Whenever you’re about to ask for help, take it out and read it aloud. Easy!
Cone Zone Campus mary moss wrote this We all chose to attend the University of Tennessee for one reason or another. Whether it was for academics, athletics, associations, the abundance of alcohol, or all the ass up for grabs (pun very much intended), we had a basic idea of what we signed up for. Sadly, all those vain hopes of earning shit-talking rights about a victorious football team to your “friends” from the suckier areas of the SEC are out the window and what do we have left? A freaking Cone Zone campus. Nowhere in the fine print of the welcoming pamphlet was there any mentioning of constant construction that would interfere with our daily lives. Go Green? More like Go Debris. As if the air quality in Knoxville wasn’t bad enough, now we have to plan on lung transplants to recover from the massive amounts of mold, dust, and unknown particles that we inhale during our walks past the demolished buildings. There goes the vocal career, I’ll never be the next Adele. While it can be acknowledged that these are all probably improvements for a better future, it’s frustrating to endure when we won’t even be around to enjoy the fruits of our tuition. Shout-out to all the tour guides and orientation leaders, because it must be a hell of a job convincing incoming students how this will all get better (it won’t) and that it really doesn’t get in the way of your class schedule (it does). If we are forced to tolerate this inconvenient eyesore, it only seems fair that we should be given some sort of compensation. No, making the halls of HSS harder to maneuver through and making the rooms resemble something out of Zenon: Girl of the 21st Century doesn’t quite cut it. Since it can be troublesome to get to your next class across campus, bobbing and weaving on zig-zag makeshift pathways in a mere fifteen minutes, perhaps we could use some more time between classes. These extra minutes would eliminate the pit stains that Joseph FatOne brings in to morning physiology class. Sure, this would require extensive readjusting of the time table, but it would be even more beneficial for the future students that have to suffer the larger buildings being torn apart in a few years, or ten, or however many it’s actually going to take. This won’t happen, simply because it would disrupt the traffic cops’ evil plans to distribute absurd fines to all students trying to make it to their exam. These traffic cops are no joke; you’ve got to watch out, because we’re dealing with a bunch of badasses around here. Excuse us for sort of trying to be responsible adults. If adding a few extra minutes is an unreasonable request, the least the university could do is offer an extreme parkour training class or provide us with hovercrafts to make it to places on time. Let’s just pretend we don’t have enough tuition money to cover the hovercrafts, so we’ll have to come to a compromise. With each increase in tuition per semester, we should receive the equivalent amount in beer tokens. This would collectively calm the animosity and raise the tolerance that many students feel towards the tuition increases and the desolation that is UT campus. Giving Back in Beer – it will fit right along with the whole Make UT Green theme. Given the situation, these are truly simple requests to make the best of our time here. They can plant the trees, and after about 14 beers deep, we can fertilize them. In the end, everybody wins.
9.) Be blunt with the opposite sex: I used to take FOREVER to pull the trigger and try to get a girl to come home with me. Spending all kinds of time talking about classes, clubs, each other’s names, shit like that. Instead, just go up to someone and say “Hey, we doin’ this?” This one is a particularly great time saver because you’ll have plenty of alone time after the party too! 8.) Get dressed for the last time: Stop wasting time changing! Lots of students wear one set of clothes to class, another to go to the Rec Center, another AFTER the Rec Center, another for going out... all that time spent changing can take dozens of hours a day. Sell all the clothes you USED to wear and buy yourself a skin-tight antimicrobial unitard. It’s the sexy future of laziness. 7.) Don’t be a bitch about building names: “Hey, we’re meeting at the HSS.” “DONTCHA MEAN HUMANITIES?!” “Uh, sure, whatever. I’m at Stokely so I’ll be there soon.” “DONTCHA MEAN MUSIC SCHOOL HUUUURR DUURRR.” This kind of shit could makes people jump off the McClung Tower. 6.) Break it off: Dating is great, but after a while you forget how time-consuming having a girlfriend or boyfriend can be. Just think of all the hours you spend with them a day, and how much free time you’d have to masturbate if you were single! 5.) Break it off: I can’t even count the hours I’ve wasted being led around by my dick. Just grab a pair of bolt cutters and get it over with while you’re young. You might be thinking it’d help to cut off your balls too, but don’t. It takes balls to cut off your own dick. 4.) X marks the spot: Pizza and calzones are the stuff of kings when you’re drunk, but the waiting game is pure torture. Grab $500 worth of tasty dough and a shovel, hit up your favorite bars and party houses, and leave yourself some buried treasure. Don’t worry, germs and bacteria can’t survive underground. It’s science – how would they breath? 3.) Be one with nature: There’s been a big push recently to get more use out of our natural resources, like wind, water, or in UTK’s case, squirrels. Capture a few and teach them to clean, do your reading, and take notes for you. While you’re at it, train them to treat you as a god by sacrificing the fattest of their herd by fire – free meals! I mean, if you can’t even train a small-brained squirrel, how are you ever going to make it as a teacher? 2.) Have it your way: Circle Drive is a one way? I thought this was America! Two is in our blood! Two party system, two world wars won single-handedly, and most importantly, two-way roads. I’ve already seen a few people take matters into their own hands and rebel against the directional oppression. Good for you, heroes! 1.) Drop all of your classes: You won’t believe how much free time you’ll have when you stop doing the one thing you’re here to do! As an added bonus, this also gets you thousands in spending money. Just call up The Black Sheep offices and for a nominal fee, our photoshop pros will send you a degree with your name on it. The future is awesome!
black sheep staff wrote this
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FRIDAY: NV College Night! 18 and up | $2 Domestics and $4 Shooters Until Midnight
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Check out carleoentertainment.com for upcoming events!
$6 Buzzballs, $5 Pitchers of Beer, $4 Soco & Lime $3 Wells, $2 Bud Light & Miller Lite Bottles $1 Shooter Girl Shots
FRI 9/28
The Delta Saints Live at 10PM!
$2.50 blue moon drafts
SOUTHBOUND Total Request DJ Dance Party 21 and up
NV College Night! 18 and up $2 Domestics and $4 Shooters Until Midnight
FREE BEER! $5 Liquor Pitcher ($3 Add Another Shot) $3 Wells, $3 Apple Pie Moonshine, $3 24oz Natty & Keystone $2 PBR & Highlife Tallboys
SAT 9/29
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Flipping Flippingthe thescript script so your favorite t.v. character walks into a new show...
dean pelton on hillbilly hand fishin’
We come to love the characters of our beloved scripted shows, if we don’t love them, then the show typically fails. On the other hand, reality shows make us eventually hate everyone, including ourselves, for watching. So, as The Black Sheep prefers to live in our own little fairy world, we decided to imagine how our favorite characters would do on plot-less, burnt out reality shows. By: Quinn and Brendan
ron swanson on survivor
Strengths: We’re not sure if the Dean has any hand fishin’ skills, but it would be very entertaining to see him tiptoe around reaching into a dark, wet hole for a big slippery fish.
Strengths: Ron is a man’s man. No, he is the man’s man. With wood working on the third tier of his Pyramid of Greatness (just below America, buffets, and honor) he would have a small wooden cabin built by the time the others dig a shittin’ hole. Ron’s self-reliance is out matched by only his mustache.
Weakness: The show won’t allow the Dean to display his extensive wardrobe, which might be a problem for him.
charlie day on america’s got talent
dave rose on top chef
Weakness: Several. Charlie has a debilitating lack of confidence in his musical abilities, and will surely turn to cat food and glue for added confidence.
Weakness: The lack of v-neck chef coats will really drag down Dave’s ability to maneuver around the kitchen. Beyond that, there are only so many puns one can make about food, ham I right?
back, roll her eyes, and sip on another vodka martini. Weakness: She might be too cold. Sure she could cry for the camera, but she can’t spare the moisture.
Win or Lose? Win. Lucille will have these ladies fighting with each other all week, or at least hire the OC’s finest investigator if they try to get at her.
sterling (malory) archer on
stars earn stripes Strengths: Years of hands-on training in the field as an ISIS agent, plus, you know, athletic prowess after all those years at lacrosse camp. Coupled with some clever quips and a shrewd, biting sense of humor, and he’ll be banging the female half of the cast two episodes in. Weakness: By the third episode he’ll be so bored with having to do actual work, Archer will be drunk during the episode that’s conducted over live fire.
Win or Lose? Loser, as always. Dave’s packing his knives by episode three, as another steak sandwich sends Tom Colicchio into a classic tirade that audiences have come to expect from him.
lucille bluth on The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Strengths: There is evidence that Lucille Bluth is the original “Desperate Housewife,” but she isn’t desperate - she runs the show. While the other ladies are drunk and pulling each other’s hair, she’ll sit
Win or Lose?
Not only will Louie lose, he’ll lose in the most excruciating way possible. Like, he’ll get his rose, fall down the stairs, throw up, cry, and have the girl call him a limpdick pussy, or something.
Win or Lose?
Strengths: Dave’s general obliviousness to his vague douchiness will serve him well. Off-hand remarks about his lack of talent will simply roll off his shoulders, while audiences will eat up his inability to exist in the real world.
out as Green Man, drunkenly parade around stage, and maybe club a few rats with his clubbin’s stick.
Weaknesses: Most women are not turned on by the above.
Ron will win, then never leave the island when the show is over.
Strengths: Charlie just gets the piano. He may be illiterate, but the piano comes natural to him. Surely he will win the judges over with an emotional rendition of “The Night Man Cometh”, if he leaves out all the rape-y parts of course.
Win or Lose? Sadly, Charlie will lose. He will inevitably come
Strengths: Some women are turned on by fat, balding, bumbling idiots with two kids, a really busy work schedule, and no time for a social life.
Weakness: None. His passion for red meat might cause trouble, but he will find a way.
Win or Lose?
The Dean will win. He may insist on wearing his sister’s sailor outfit, but we have no doubt he will stick any extremity into the deep cave and get the biggest catfish to suction itself onto it.
louie on the bachelorette
Win or Lose? During the live fire episode, he’ll be automatically disqualified for putting a round in Drew Lachey’s foot after Lachey tries to chastise Archer for his on-set intoxication.
the hound on full metal jousting Strengths: The Hound isn’t just an ordinary knight, he’s a knight from a land of dire wolves, White Walkers and muhfuggin’ dragons. He’s seen some shit.
Weakness: Coming from a fantasy land set in a time that really lacks modern technology, The Hound is used to really killing people with real weapons for…like…good. This won’t bode well because…
Win or Lose? He’ll lose when he actually kills someone. The Hound will be dismounted by some guy who works at Medieval Times, and he won’t like it one bit. A few sword strokes and a lot of blood later, he’ll be off to prison to make everyone his bitch. And hey, the United States prison system offers marginally better living conditions than Westeros, so everyone wins. Well, except the dead guy.
the interview
junk culture
Junk Culture is a one-man band, but not like one of them old-timey guys with cymbals between his knees. Instead, Deepak Mantena’s an eclectic bucket of fun, synth-layered party. He was a blast to talk to. Be sure to grab his newest album, Wild Quiet, wherever it is crazy kids are buying music these days. By: Brendan The Black Sheep: How do you put an album together, from concept to finished product? Deepak Mantena: That’s a really loaded question. TBS: I know. Deepak: I can’t say it’s the same each time I do a record, but for Wild Quiet I did have a concept going in. I thought, “Let’s see if I can write something simpler and more focused than what I’ve done before.” TBS: Was that a superficial goal, or a philosophy you want to stick with going forward? Deepak: I tend to change up my approach to music on every record. It’s more exciting for me to do that, and it just feels really honest. It might not sound like the record before it, but it will sound like what I was interested in doing at the time. TBS: You talk about that honesty, but how do you reconcile that idea with the idea that you play music for an audience who has expectations of you? Deepak: Let me frame it this way: Bands I’m into, I’m not listening to them because they have a sound they’re repeating on every record. I listen to artists that are interested in being adventurous. A good example, I’m a huge fan of Caribou, even back when he was Manitoba or whatever. To me, as an audience member, getting to sink my teeth into one of his new records is a really rewarding feeling. I try to do the same thing with my work. TBS: What about concern with this new music being translated live? Deepak: I’m not so worried about that. When I sit down and figure out how to do a live show, I put a huge amount of effort and thought into that. I understand that people come to see songs that they like to hear, but I don’t want the rest of the show to feel like filler, and I think about that. I tour with Girl Talk a lot, and if you strip away what he does it’s a guy on a laptop triggering samples. How does that translate into huge sounds? The answer is, he really thinks about his approach to it. TBS: What kind of forethought goes into writing a song? Deepak: I don’t consider how it translates live. That’s a bad attitude to have. When I record a song, it’s about the song. So, when it comes time to how to deal with presenting it live, then we’ll figure it out. TBS: How much do you pay attention to a crowd in a show? Deepak: Oh man, that’s the perpetual problem. I used to do a little theatre stuff, and it would always be interesting to see—doing the same play one night to another—how different audiences take to different jokes. I guess I’m not at that level to know how good a show is going to be. I think I can handle the audience a lot better now. They want to be entertained, and it’s your job to guide them through that. TBS: Five words to describe your live show. Deepak: Tough, rock. TBS: Do you struggle with keeping up with contemporary music? Deepak: The first band I was really into was the Smashing Pumpkins, and they were like, the only band I’d listen to. It would be their whole collection on repeat. I’ll get really into someone and listen to them nonstop, and go through these bands in spurts. TBS: What goes on your perfect sandwich? Deepak: I’ll take a good old-fashioned BLT any day. TBS: If you could have any mythical creature for a pet, what would it be? Deepak: Does it have to be a pet, or could it be a friend? TBS: I don’t think a griffin could engage you in conversation for very long. Deepak: What about a gnome or something? TBS: Yeah, you could have a gnome. Deepak: Like, see a movie with him or something. TBS: No amusement parks, though.
the big three
entertainment-y things we’re all excited about.
pitch perfect - in theaters out september 28 Becca (Anna Kendrick) arrives to a new college convinced she doesn’t fit in, and instantly gets suckered into joining a rag-tag singing group. Yeah, this movie looks pretty damn cheesy a la Glee, but a few select actors (like Adam Levine and Rebel Wilson) will give the movie a good edge.
the real housewives of new york - season finale monday, october 1 at 9pm (bravo) As the 5th season comes to an end, we find perpetuallyPinot-Grigo’d Ramona throwing a charity event that turns into pure mayhem. Meanwhile, at Heather’s charity event, Ramona and her partner-in-booze Sonja make one hell of a scene. Hey, they’re just making their own fun.
matt & kim - lightning in stores october 2 The indie pop-duo Matt and Kim’s fourth album Lightning features 10 tracks, most with only two or three instruments on each. When asked where the name of the album came from, Kim replied “I think I’ll get hit by lightning one day.” That’s… pretty random. Check out their single “Let’s Go.”
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theblacksheeponline.com
bartender of the week kersty b. cool beans Relationship Status: Single
What’s the best pre-drinking meal: Pizza
Major: Political Science
Best part of bartending: Getting to drink on the job.
Favorite drunk munchie food: Celery Favorite TV show: Dexter What’s the best hangover cure: Pedialyte What’s the weirdest place you’ve ever slept: I took a nap on the cooler in the back once. If you could be any superhero, who would it be: Mermaid Man What’s your favorite drinking game: Spades What’s the best tailgate beer: Natty
the drinking game
mario karty Here at The Black Sheep, we encourage you to drink and drive! Never thought you’d here those words, huh? (Not literally, please don’t sue us). What You’ll Need: Mario Kart, friends who like to play Mario Kart, and beer. Number of Players: How many controllers you got? Level of Intoxication: As little as a buzz and as much as a blackout. How to Play: - Pop in your favorite Mario Kart game and assign characters to players. - Set up your beers so everyone can reach them. We prefer the ol’ canbetween-the-thighs maneuver. - Begin the game but drink as follows: - Take one sip if you’re hit by a shell. - Take three sips if you’re hit by a lightning bolt. - Take four sips if you’re hit by a player’s special item. - Finish your drink every time someone laps you. - If you fall off the course, drink until you are put back on. - If you’re dead last, chug whatever you have left. - The winner of the race gets to choose one player to finish off their drink, too. The Game Ends When: Everyone is all Mario Kart’d out. But let’s be real, no one ever gets sick of Mario Kart.
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Dream job: Bartending Pet peeve: People biting their nails Worst night to bartend: Monday Best sport to watch: Hockey Favorite pick-up line: Once a guy told me “My legs looked good in the back of a cop car.” Favorite liquor to shoot: Jameson
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The Black Sheep’s Overly Specific October Horoscopes The Black Sheep Staff wrote this ARIES: The start of colder weather combined with the beginning of fall trends leads you to assume that chapped lips and hard nips are in this year. You’re wrong though; chapped lips and hard nips are in every year. Like leggings. TAURUS: The unexplained happens as you’re drawn to watching a sitcom about gay guys adopting babies. You deny watching the show to your friends, but they soon catch on as you start taking better care of your skin. GEMINI: A cafeteria binge leaves you incapacitate with a taco-demon reeking havoc in your stomach. You attempt to perform an “exorcism” of this bad karma by overdosing on laxatives, and the suffering evens it out. CANCER: The results of your last exam have induced a buying spree of 5-Hour Energy, Adderall, and salted caramel mochas in preparation for your upcoming exam. Unfortunately, your “broom hand” is too jittery to fill out the scantron. LEO: This Sweetest Day, single you is visited by your ghosts of girlfriends past. True to character, they all show up drunk,
crying, and you know, dead. VIRGO: You give the trick-or-treaters a scare when you open the door wearing nothing but a cowboy hat and loincloth. You may have dressed-down for Halloween, but we recommend dressing up for your impending court date. LIBRA: You fall victim to the Student Health Services business ploy/Devil’s Night prank when you use one of the condoms they covered with pepper and poked a hole in. Stay hydrated. SCORPIO: Congrats, the sultry looks you’ve been giving your T.A. have paid off, and after class she rewards you with a “hay ride” and trip to her “petting zoo.” Hopefully, for your sake, you’re into involving animals in your sex life and women with mustaches made out of hay. SAGITTARIUS: Your new diet of Captain, cider, and donuts has you leaving spooky, smelly farts haunting all the rooms you have class in. The same kind of farts from which Slimer originated.
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CAPRICORN: Haunted houses no longer frighten you, as you brave a much more frightening quest and take a dump at Rumorz. AQUARIUS: You fear a rip in the space-time continuum has happened during the weekend of the thirteenth, but then you just realize that all these people saying that they are “you in twenty years” are just alumni coming back for homecoming. PISCES: This fall the falling leaves fall in line with you falling in love with a little fault called alcoholism as you fall off the wagon once and for (f)all.
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the riddle
can you figure out what the hell this riddle says? email us the question and the answer to riddle@theblacksheeponline.com and possibly win a prize!
the quiz: who is your white house hook-up? Regardless of how many morals you may think you have, when you’re seven SoCo limes in you’re going to be thinking with your nether regions, not your brain. Therefore you’re going to find a hook-up buddy, even if just for the night. So in the spirit of election season, take our quiz to find out which political person you would grab at 2 a.m.
7) a = 1, b = 2, c = 3 8) a = 2, b = 3, c = 1
9) a = 1, b = 3, c = 2
answer key
6) How do you engage with younger voters? a) Invite them over to the big house for some homemade brew. b) Outlining a series of policies that benefit them, like anal. c) Pop out enough babies to win the popular vote yourself.
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9) What would you do if you ran into a former opponent in public? a) Have one of your aides make up an excuse while you hide in the bathroom. b) Politely offer your well-wishes and move on with your day. c) Challenge them to a debate in the closest broom closet you can find.
They aren’t the sharpest crayons in the box, and they go off on all sorts of crazy drunken rambles about who knows what, but none of that matters when their ripped abs and beautiful hair are in your bed. These are the freaks who are stupid enough to try anything (or position) once, which makes for an awesome one-night-stand. It’s best to leave it at that though, because any future run-in’s with these crazy people will either be awkward or just uncomfortable. 15 - 21 Points: Exxxperienced Pooty Tang Monica Lewsinky or Anthony Weiner
Usually a slick undergrad with a badass fake-ID or a 5th senior, these folks know what they want and are not shy about getting it. Maybe they’ve gotten extra credit in unconventional ways, or have taken a naughty picture or two in their day but, hey, that kind of shit really turns you on, and that’s cool. Whether it’s a one-night hookup or something that turns into a regular weekend booty call, you know that whenever it goes down it’s going to be the real deal. 22 - 27 Points: Diamond in the Rough Barack or Michelle Obama
You aren’t one to normally pick up a random at the bar, but we all have basic human urges that need to be fulfilled sometimes. Lucky for you, you’ve got a good enough filter to pick out the quality hook-ups in the dark depths of a dirty bar, the ones with just enough gusto to be inticing but with what appears to be (on the outside) a solid STD-free record. So it may not be the love of your life, but at least it’ll be a memory you’ll look back on fondly.
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8) What do you do the morning after a political victory? a) Press the meat…on your g-spot. b) Mimosas over the Washington Post. c) Establish citizenship in a different country and run for office there.
5) a = 2, b = 1, c = 3 6) a = 1, b = 3, c = 2
3) What do you look for in a potential running mate? a) A body to die for, but brain dead. b) Let’s just say it’s important they know their constituates intimately. c) Firm goals you believe in, with a butt to match.
5) Do you think gays should be allowed to marry? a) I’m Pro-Chick-fil-A, that shit is delicious. b) As long as I can keep doing what I’m doing, then I don’t care. c) Yes, all couples deserve the same benefits.
7) What political perk would you casually drop in conversation? a) Your awesome view of Russia. b) The free condoms in the Oval Office. c) Having a full-time chef at your disposal.
3) a = 1, b = 2, c = 3 4) a = 3, b = 2, c = 1
2) What’s the first thing you try to find out about a political opponent? a) If they like to get dirty. b) If their charity work involves washing the dirty. c) Just the dirt, immediately.
4) What is your stance on abortion? a) Pro-choice all day, every day. b) I’m pro-banging, is that enough for you? c) Psh, only if it’s legitimate rape.
1) a = 3, b = 1, c = 2 2) a = 2, b = 3, c = 1
1) What political euphemism for sex would you drop on a hook-up? a) “How about we get bipartisan up in this?” b) “Judging by the look in your eye, the House of Representatives gavel isn’t the only think I’ll be banging tonight.” c) “Don’t Linda Tripp over my huge cock.”
9-14 Points: Sauced-Up and Sexy Sarah Palin or Paul Ryan
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Disclaimer
The Black Sheep in no way promotes, encourages or supports binge drinking, and/or under-age drinking. This newspaper is designed for entertainment purposes only and does not recommend attempting anything printed in this publication. Please drink...responsibly and legally.
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