The Black Sheep
F po REE ms ... l lef ike t o the ver or af ang ter e ba and sk et whi ba te ll p ga om me s.
• a college newspaper that’s actually about college •
Volume 2, Issue 4 • 1/31/13 - 2/6/13
theblacksheeponline.com @blacksheepUTK
super bowl party misfits tbs staff wrote this
Ah, the Super Bowl is here, and because this gladiatorial battle is at our doorstep, it’s time to look at those people who show up year after year to every single Super Bowl party. Those who not only make complete asses of themselves, but also seem to make complete asses of the NFL in general. This ode to the misfits of Super Bowl XLVII (47, for those of you who hate Rome) will specifically honor each individual and their attempt to sabotage everyone else’s good time. Drunken Annoying Relative: Whether it’s your father, uncle, cousin, or sibling, this individual requires 15 beers to watch a football game, at minimum. After drinking all of the beer within a seven mile radius, this prick won’t quit until he has screamed at the referees eight times, broken your remote, thrown up all over your new carpet, punched his brother in the face, and drunk dialed his ex-wife. The Annoying Girl Who Doesn’t Understand Football: Sure enough, at every Super Bowl party there’s a girl who can’t stand that everyone’s attention is focused on something other than herself. Thus, she attempts to insert herself into every situation by talking about the game. However, it becomes evident this girl doesn’t know a football from a soldering iron when she opens her mouth. “Who’s winning the match? Has Kobe Bryant scored a goal yet? Are the Predators or the Diamondbacks winning?” The Compulsive Gambler: Many people enjoy placing the occasional bet, and there’s nothing wrong with a little friendly wager. However, gambling has an entirely different meaning to this person. Somehow this dude has wagered on every aspect of the game, including things you had no idea could be wagered on. “Guys, if the Ravens don’t kick a field goal between 55 and 65 yards within the final two minutes of the first quarter, I’m out three grand.” Also, where did he get all this money? Somehow you can’t help but think this person’s Super Bowl night is going to end violently in a dark alley. The Other Sports Fan: Someone always seems to be extremely vocal about how much football sucks compared to their sport. “Football is for a bunch of wussies who use pads and time outs. Soccer doesn’t have these things.” “The Stanley Cup is a much better trophy than anything in the NFL.” “Football only plays one game, while the World Series is the best of seven.” Don’t invite these people. Tell them to stay home and drink their own damn beer. The Sketchy Person You Don’t Know: Bringing your friend along as a plus one to a party is usually a good thing. This friend could be super hot or bring a taco twelve pack and a bottle of RumpleMinze; they’re positively contributing to the party. But things don’t always
Top 10: Brother vs. Brother Rivalries Which siblings will go down in history as the biggest rivals?
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work out so nicely. We all know that kid who pukes on the floor, stinks up your bathroom with violent diarrhea, and ends up stealing fifty dollars and a pair of your girlfriend’s underwear. He’s not as funny as you think, so think ahead and leave that sorry kid out of the mass party text. The Ad Obsessor: Not only does this person talk at an eardrumshattering volume throughout the game, but they also find a way of being an even bigger hassle by shushing everyone in the room so they can watch all the commercials. “I mean, how can they top the little kid Darth Vader and the Doritos commercials from last year?” “I don’t understand why boys like silly football over the new Lexus commercial!” The only thing that’s worse is when she wants to flip the channel to the Puppy Bowl.
what'’s inside
The Overbearing Hostess: At first, having someone give you a new beer as soon as you finished the old one is pretty sweet. That is until that same someone asks if you want more guacamole dip every three minutes. And why hasn’t anyone eaten any of her famous chili? Eventually she feels like a failure and goes off to cry endlessly in the kitchen, preventing you from hearing the announcers over her notentirely muffled sobs. These misfits always seek to ruin your Super Bowl fun, not necessarily intentionally, but don’t let them bring you down this year. Stop them from entering the door to ensure guests that your Super Bowl party is the hippest thing since the invention of HD.
The tale of a Boy and his Tortoise
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The little-known story of where the 49ers quarterback gets his mojo.
Sean, an aspiring Angel, will serve you whiskeys and $2 beers at Sunspot.
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