The Black Sheep
a As f s fre ree e as as y the our win tho d bl ng ows sho . ws ...
Vol. 3, Issue 4
The College Newspaper That's Actually About College
9/12/13 - 9/18/13
Jimmy Cheek
and the Chamber of Secrets BY: Austin McLaurine After being at UT for a while, you start to notice things. Maybe a slight chill in the air as you pass the University Center, a stronger than normal odor emitting from the steam grates outside Alumni Memorial Building, or perhaps you notice a glistening Jimmy Cheek-like figure in Presidential Courtyard after a weekend-long bender with your bros. Whatever it is, UT is hiding something. Within the labyrinth of AMB, you can hear the moans of what sounds like students who didn’t make it through freshman chemistry. More than likely, it’s the people trying to stay awake for their 8 a.m. lecture. To add to the misery of that building, no matter how many times you go to class in AMB, you get lost in the winding hallways that always seem to lead to the same place. In the heart of the maze, there is probably a super secret teacher’s lounge that nobody can find due to sheer frustration. Although it could just lead right back to where you were — but wait? Where’s the exit again? Ever wonder why UT is constantly under construction? It’s all a sham. Sure, we might get a new useful Music Building, but it’s just a cover for what is really being built on campus. By having construction on every street corner no one can pinpoint the under-the-table construction happening on campus. We believe the epicenter of all this secret activity is taking place below the UC. Why else would it be taking so long to build a “glorified cafeteria”? Once the new UC is finished, the secret of UT will be forever enclosed and hidden from the world. The door to this secret paradise is unknown, although we have a hunch it’s located behind the pins in the Down Under bowling alley. What’s to be found past those hallowed doors? Our best guess is Jimmy Cheek’s personal jacuzzi room filled with thousands of textbooks to create a false shortage in the economy, thus raising the price for students. While Mr. Cheek is in his secret chamber, he invites over Smokey and the chancellors from neighboring colleges to lounge in his “Power T” hot tub, sip on Tanqueray (dry campus doesn’t apply to underground chambers that don’t technically exist), and enjoy a large TV in the shape of a “T.”
Pointless, you might say, but Mr. Cheek has that UT money and he intends to spend it. He might as well live there, for all we know, because who would want to leave a wonderland like that and instead walk around a construction site? Also found in the chamber is a switch for all on-campus washing machines and dryers that causes them to malfunction at any given moment. A live camera feed is present to display the hilarity, of course, for the Cheek’s malicious laughter.
This might seem like your average college campus, but there is definitely more going on than meets the eye. The next time you see something a little odd or out of the ordinary, don’t follow it, because it may lead you down Jimmy Cheek’s rabbit hole.. And be careful, because that steam coming out of the ground near AMB could be coming from Cheek’s personal steam room, in which he sits naked.
page 6
page 5
How to Create a Hypothetical Business
Get ambitious, creative and drunk, and fantasize about some business ventures.
pages 10-11
The top 10
Serious Series Addictions
Monsters that deserve a Twilight makeover.
Get to know today’s most popular TV shows without having to waste a moment watching them.
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how to create: By: black sheep staff
a Hypothetical Business
We’re college students for a reason — because we are the brightest, most ambitious, creativest 36% of our age group, and because we love being intoxicated. Oftentimes, this combination leads to entire Saturday nights drunkenly inventing entrepreneurial ventures we won’t even remember in the morning.
like? Let’s take a shower! I’m gonna be sick.” What it is: Everything in the bathroom is great at inspiring our most creative ideas. It is known. Have a seat for ten minutes, or take a long, hot shower. Splash your face with water and stare at your reflection for half an hour — inspiration will come.
There is a right way to creating a fantasy business venture, and there is a wrong way. And too often students ignore procedure in the throes of their high, leading to an empty life as a pencil pusher at some boring generic office to pay the mortgage on their condo. Here’s a handy guide to creating your hypothetical business, as well as the foundation for your retirement plan and your first divorce because “you don’t support my dreams!”
STEP 3: The Seed What it sounds like: “You know that edible body paint stuff? I like that shit. Can we go shopping? Let’s get cupcakes on the way! Oh my God, when’s the last time we went to a comic book shop HOLD UP.” What it is: You’ve recognized a gaping hole in the market; a hole you can hypothetically fill. Let the seed germinate for a few minutes. Yes. Yes! That could work!
STEP 1: The Drunkening What it sounds like: “Come on, you pussy! Finish the bottle! Finish him, haha! Like, BOOM! Do we have anymore root beer schnapps? I’m gonna be sick.” What it is: Drinking is the best way to release all those creativity elves you have stored in your brain, and drinking with friends is the best way to do it without making your roommates think you have a drinking problem. By encouraging you to drink even more, your friends are telling you that they believe in the power of your dreams, and want to see you reach your full potential.
STEP 4: The Pitch What it sounds like: “Check it out! What if we started, like, a nerdy themed bakery, right? Like, Star Trek cake pops and lembas and, like, Hogwarts cupcakes. Hang on, listen, Danny! And in the back, in the back, we could have like a nerd-themed bar, slash sex toy shop!” What it is: Telling other people your idea is very important for many reasons. First, you’re less likely to forget it in the morning, especially if your friends record you furiously gesticulating and falling over. Second, if they’re eccentric billionaires, they might be able to suggest ways to make it happen or pay you for the entertainment. Third, if they’re into it, they’ll help you hammer out some more great ideas, leading to:
STEP 2: Bathroom Time What it sounds like: “Shit, dude, I have to piss like a goddamn racehorse. Ha, what does a racehorse even piss
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STEP 5: Infinite Details What it sounds like: “Every week could have a different theme, like Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, or classic American novels, or Avengers vs Justice League! Yes, Danny, obviously we’d have Borg bondage stuff. ‘Resistance is Futile,’ right? I like Karen’s idea! We could call it, ‘Talk Nerdy to Me’!” What it is: Planning all the trivial hypothetical details is the most fun you can ever have with a hypothetical business. Everything from arming your employees with marshmallow guns to Pantsless Tuesday makes planning your enterprise a fun group activity. Bringing your friends into the action often creates a positive feedback loop of ideas, each feeding off the last, until you have a glorious, one-of-a-kind dream. STEP 6: Too Far What it sounds like: “It’ll be easy! There isn’t a bank in the world that won’t give a business loan on this! And I heard that that bar on Rose just went out of business! We have to get the loan tomorrow and buy the store front while real estate prices are still low! Forget student loans, Kelly, this is gold!” What it is: This buzz-kill step is important to the life cycle of the hypothetical. By suggesting achievability, no matter how ridiculous, you’re bringing the fantastic into the realm of reality, and few drunken ideas are good enough to survive in the real world. STEP 7: What it sounds like: “No, but, wait. Listen. Danny. Listen.
Listen to me. Like, imagine… Karen, wait, shh. Okay. Fire drinks. I’m gonna be sick.” What it is: This is the last stage in the life cycle of the hypothetical business, and it’s important to remember that what feels like flailing and sputtering conversation is actually a normal, healthy transition into a peaceful hypothetical death. STEP 8: Fatality What it sounds like: “BLEUGHHHH cough pant pant BLAAAARRRRRGHHHH oh my God I’m dyi-zzzzzzzzz.” What it is: This sad, messy end is the death of your business hypothetical and your night. While you might be tempted to mourn your loss, we think you should celebrate your experience instead. All good things must come to an end to make way for better things. You might not remember much of your hypothetical business proposal. If you do, it must have been something very special — run with it, little rabbit. If not, a million dollar idea is just around the Thursday. Get some more vodka and repeat!
m o c . e n i l n O p e e h S k c a l B e G GAMES Th IN K IN R D | PECIALS | BAR S ARTICLES
Breaking News: Area Man’s Underwhelming Life Affected by the Coming Out of Many Lesser Known Celebrities By: Black Sheep Staff Recent reports indicate that celebs such as Wentworth Miller, the star of Prison Break; Zachary Quinto, Spock in the Star Trek film; and WWE wrestler Darren Young have come out loud and proud as gay men, confirming in the minds of millions of Confederate supporters, religious leaders, and a fair amount of truck drivers that the gays are conquering America. To the dismay of Charlie Sheen and right-wingers everywhere, one area man revealed to our informants that “Honestly, instead of hearing about some gay dude that I wouldn’t know is a celebrity unless someone told me, at the end of the day, I would rather just take a bubble bath and find something new to pulse in my food processor.” Sources confirmed that the area man is a twenty-something data entry specialist straight out of college who lives by himself in a two bedroom apartment, who is surprisingly okay with his life. The coming out of many celebs has given the area man very little to think about. Earlier this month, he released a statement to reporters indicating he neither plans on becoming an advocate for LGBT communities nor for antigay rights. While many have found the area man’s apathy utterly appalling, he fails to waiver and wishes to continue living a normal life. The area man recently agreed to let a select few reporters shadow him in order to better understand how t h e ave ra g e American male has reacted to this new influx of gay C-list celebrities. One reporter stated that the full impact of publicly coming-out-of-the-closet gay celebrities must have been lost on the area man since he blankly listened to talk radio that briefly discussed the topic and then proceeded to make a turkey sandwich and walk his dog, Mr. McFluffers. Another reporter made a similar observation that it’s as if the area man’s life hasn’t been affected at all by this news as he continues his hobbies of assembling model airplanes and frequenting local dive bars with the IT guys from the seventh floor of his work building.
The
Top
Ten
Monsters that Deserve a Twilight Makeover By: black sheep staff
Twilight was not the first book or film to eroticize vampires and werewolves, but it was unique in its total commitment to disregarding all of society’s standards, notions and definitions of what vampires and werewolves are in favor of, sex appeal-wise. We think that’s bogus, partly because what the goddamn hell, but mostly because it reinforces prejudice against other, less sexy monsters. Here are the top ten monsters that deserve a second chance to win you over. 10.) Krampus: Izzy Goose is an awkward teenager who just can’t keep from being naughty around Christmas. Enter: the Krampus, a vicious, yet fascinatingly tortured soul, doomed to forever only see the evil in people. When he carries Izzy to his lair and makes her his prisoner, can she show Krampus just how nice it can be being naughty? 9.) Clowns: Izzy Goose didn’t know what drew her to the carnival that fateful day of the triple homicide. Nor why she found herself watching the clowns. Nor who was behind the cracking white face and the stained red fingertips juggling violins. All she knew was that she would have his babies. 8.) Godzilla: They called it a monster — a demon sent from beyond to punish humanity, or an alien with a hunger for flesh, or an experiment gone horribly wrong. But Izzy knew better than that. She saw the pain in Godzilla’s lizard eyes, the desperate need to be loved, truly, hidden behind a seemingly impenetrable wall of hatred. In this, they were soul mates. 7.) Mothman: Having been forced to move out to West Virginia with her father, Izzy Goose felt trapped by her new home. The small town felt like it was choking her, constricting her, and all she ever wanted to do was fly. Will a mysterious, tragically misunderstood creature of the night with a six pack help her shed her cocoon and spread her wings? 6.) Kraken: Izzy Goose thought she knew what it meant to be alone because her parents got divorced and she was a teenaged girl. But even though her soul was as full of pain as she could bear, her torturous existence was nothing next to the vast emptiness of the ocean to the last sea beast of its kind. She decided then to one day become one with him. 5.) Troll: The old abandoned bridge over the dried up river was decaying, but after Izzy’s boyfriend broke up with her, there was nothing she wouldn’t do, because hormones. The broken wood planks crumbled to dust under her feet, and she (and everyone else), hoped the fall would kill her. But the strong, pale green arms that caught her held her tight, at once possessive and protective. Izzy knew then what love was.
“It’s really baffling,” one neighbor commented with a shocked disposition, “it’s like the sexuality of others has no bearing on his daily life. He just continues to use his panini press like it’s no big deal, and, guuurl, doesn’t he know the gays invented the panini press?” The neighbor continued to reveal his sneaking suspicion that the area man may in fact himself be gay stating, “I have never seen him with a woman. I don’t think he even wants to be with a woman sexually, and, ew, like who would?” When confronted about his sexuality, the area man claimed to be straight just “not interested in dating right now.”
4.) Wendigo: Izzy was not like other girls. Her friends flocked to the light — the easy, the happy side of life — while Izzy Goose felt an instinctive desire to return to darkness. Before he had even said one word to Izzy, she knew her new, gaunt, almost skeletal classmate’s soul was like her own: corrupted. And yet, Izzy saw sadness in his black eyes. Sadness that he had hurt everyone he had ever loved, and that he was beyond saving. 3.) Gjenganger: The rash of mysterious illnesses in her town led Izzy Goose to bravely investigate Google. There, she learned about the Gjenganger, a ghost of a suicide or murder victim with unfinished business. The more she read, the more she remembered her dead classmate, and the more she knew she had to save him before he hurt anyone else.
“...at the end of the day, I would rather just take a bubble bath and find something new to pulse in my food processor.”
06
While the local area man may continue to carry out his days in unaltered solitude, celebrities all across the US are now in with the gays. In whatever way the daily lives of Americans have been affected by this starling wave of new age gays, one thing is certain: women are a thing of the past. Gone are the days of moms having maternity leaves lasting longer than the time they spent in college finding a husband before promptly dropping out, and in are the days of gay parents adopting the children of Ecuador, Guatemala, and the Philippines and generally sticking it to the straights everywhere.
2.) Cthulhu: Izzy Goose had found the ancient book in the library, hidden in a secret panel in the bookshelves, and now it was hers. “The Necronomicon” promised untold power if the reader would embrace the darkness, but there was only one thing Izzy Goose wanted: a date to prom whom she could marry someday and raise hellspawn with. 1.) Jersey Devil: Izzy Goose had gone her whole life believing “Jersey Devil” was another word for J-Woww. But when the horse-headed, two-legged, fire-breathing, bewinged terror ripped his way into her life, she felt something she could never feel for anyone on MTV — fatal attraction.
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on the Streets If you could have any mythical creature as a pet, which one would you choose? J a co b
“A Kraken so I could reenact all of my favorite Japanese movies.”
Carlo
“A minotaur ‘cause it’s a ratchet hood fellow like myself.”
David
“A goblin because they’re useful for overpopulation control.”
07
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serious
series addictions
By: Zach Wyrzykowski A guide to faking your way through any series-related conversation...
So the first few weeks of the new semester have gone smoothly in the stenchbox you call a dorm. Your roommate probably isn’t going to skin you in your sleep, and you’ve been dodging the topic of favorite television programs until one day it rears its ugly head. You feel safe informing your roommate that you’ve casually dabbled in a few of the big dogs, like Breaking Bad and The Walking Dead, when he springs on you a terrible truth: he follows his show with devoutness that would frighten the Pope, and now is insisting that you begin catching up on all 25 seasons while he tells you how great each
episode it is. Somehow, he does this to the minutest of detail, while avoiding spoilers. Luckily, there’s a way to avoid this sweaty, fanfic-filled fate: fake it. With only a few vague references, a “favorite character” and a falsified understanding of some inside jokes thanks to your best buds at The Black Sheep, the most loyal Whovian can pass for a Game of Thrones nerd in all but the most engaging of conversations.
game of thrones
breaking bad The Gist: Walter White is a brilliant teacher until he gets cancer, starts cooking meth, shaves his head, and gets progressively more ruthless. Also his brother-in-law is in the DEA. This leads to delightful hijinks of the murder-y kind.
The Gist: Skyrim with politics. It sucks to be a Stark, the Lannisters are richer than Romney, and boobs are everywhere. Like: Tyrion. He’s a dwarf who can talk circles around other every character. He bones everything he can reach, and then some, before falling in love with a whore. A tough little bastard, overall.
Like: Jessie Pinkman, Walt’s cooking partner. He gets less chill with Walt’s self-serving tendencies throughout the series, and tries to distance himself from his meth-filled murder parade several times.
Hate: King Joffrey. He’s a blonde, seventeen-year-old ball of shit. If you ever mention him without using the words “rat bastard” in the same sentence, you’ve been found out.
Hate: Women. Walt’s wife, Jessie’s girlfriends, and really every other female in the series ends up screwing everything up for everyone all the time, somehow.
Fun Phrases: “Valar Morghulis.” “Dragons.” “Hodor.”
Fun Phrases: “Science, bitch!” “Say my name.” “Minerals.”
Difficulty to Fake: Difficult
Difficulty to Fake: Casual
The Newsroom The Gist: Will McAvoy is a news anchor for ACN, a fictional news network set in our universe. His ex-girlfriend/ executive producer shows up and helps him make the news less bullshit and more honest. The entire cast of coworkers get way too involved in each other’s personal lives. Like: Charlie Skinner, McAvoy’s boss and friend. His bow-tie always makes him look like a balloon salesman, and his freak-outs are always followed by large amounts of bourbon. Hate: Reese Lansing, the president of ACN. He’s a sneaky bastard who desperately tries to bring Will and his team down for the sake of profits from advertising. Fun Phrases: “Don Quixote.” “Throw out the rundown.” “Bigfoot.”
Difficulty to Fake: Easy
Sherlock The Gist: A twist on Sir Arthur Conan Doyle’s classic detective tales set in modern times. Sherlock is essentially a more badass Sheldon Cooper with a stalwart sidekick and a Blackberry. Like: Irene Adler, dominatrix, master thief and the only person Sherlock shows any interest in romantically. Hate: James Moriarty. He’s as smart as Sherlock, with a metric ton more annoying mannerisms and facial expressions. Fun Phrases: “Mind palace.” “Sherlocked.” “Tea.”
Difficulty to Fake: Elevated
Arrested Development The Gist: A recently-revived sitcom, this show follows the Bluths, a wealthy family with more self-destructive tendencies than Kurt Cobain. It falls to Michael, the unofficial head of the family, to stop the family from destroying itself. Like: Lucille Bluth. She’s an alcoholic, judgmental hypocrite with a dash of racism thrown in. Lucille could teach a college course on backhanded compliments. Hate: Barry Zuckerkorn. He’s the family’s bumbling lawyer, and frequently shows up to court even less prepared than the Bluths. Fun Phrases: “Banana stand.” “No touching.” ”Analrapist.”
Difficulty to Fake: Medium
Dr. who The Gist: Quirky time traveling British guy in a blue police box whose mission is to convince you that everything in the world is actually alive and trying to kill you. This show’s been going on since the beginning of time, so it’s probably best to avoid trying to watch every season at all costs. Like: The Doctor. All of them. There are 13, but they’re all the same person because British people drive on the left side of the road and scoff at things like logic and dentistry. Hate: Daleks. They’re basically a race of R2-D2s, if R2-D2 was big, shiny, and wanted to electrocute everything with his dick. Fun Phrases: “T.A.R.D.I.S.” “Sonic screwdriver.” “Exterminate.”
Difficulty to Fake: Expert
the walking dead The Gist: Zombies. But mostly people talking about them. Rick Grimes is the leader of a group of survivors, and spends most of his free time letting people screw him over, hallucinating about his dead wife, and not watching his son. Like: Daryl Dixon. He’s the no-bullshit redneck with a crossbow who exists to kick ass and take ears. Hate: Carl Grimes, Rick’s thirteen-year-old son. He thinks he’s hot shit because he gets to wear a cowboy hat and doesn’t flinch while shooting his mombie in the head. Fun Phrases: “Carl, get in the house.”
Difficulty to Fake: Easy
Bartender of the Week Relationship Status: In a relationship Major: Journalism and Electronic Media Favorite Drink: Beer Favorite Shot: Whisky
What would you title a TV show that was about UT: Orange Haze.
What’s the worst prank you’ve seen someone pull at a party?: Permanent marker mustache.
What’s the third best restaurant in Knoxville?: King Tut’s. Explain twerking in five words or less: It makes my dick hard. What rumor about yourself would you like to start?: I’m not a hipster.
Brian of The Well
If you had to lose one appendage, which would you choose and why?: My little toe because I don’t care about it. Bartenders who can do cool tricks with bottles and stuff: Yea or nay?: Sure, unless it gets in the way of doing your job.
Disgusting Drink: Cosmo
What’s one thing you wish everyone would care less about?: Fashion.
What was the first CD you ever owned?: No Doubt – Tragic Kingdom
Do you think we can beat Oregon this week?: Well they’re a good team this year, we can definitely win but we have to be ready to play. Why should people read The Black Sheep?: It’s a good distraction from classes.
Recipe for disaster
Drinking Game Boxing
Sweet Potato Fries
At The Black Sheep, we don’t support roughhousing of any kind, but we do love a good drinking game to get you drunk pretty quick. Get some friends and some girls in bikinis. Welcome to Boxing. *ding ding*
Sweet potato fries are all the rage lately, like twerking and hashtagging the shit out of everything. Instead of going to your favorite restaurant and tossing down a Hamilton for a basket of ‘em, try making a batch yourself. It’s actually not that hard.
What You’ll Need: A stop watch, 2 shot glasses, 2 dice and some beer. Number of Players: Four Level of Intoxication: Let’s hope you can take a punch well.
What You’ll Need: A few pounds of sweet potatoes, cinnamon, olive oil, salt and pepper. Cook Time: About 30 minutes Fatty Factor: It’s a vegetable, or something. You’re fine.
How to Play: - Two of the players (called “boxers”) play head-to-head, like a boxing match, and sit at opposite ends of a table. - The other two players act as the boxers’“coaches” and sit to the side of their desired player. - Give each boxer a die and a shot glass full of beer. - One of the coaches start the timer, and the boxers each roll their die. - The boxer who rolls the lower number takes “the punch” and drinks their shot of beer. Their coach then has to quickly refill the shot glass for the next roll. - The game continues like this: The boxers roll again, the lower number drinks and the shot glass is refilled. - If the boxers roll the same number, just re-roll! - Play three rounds (for three minutes each) with a 30 second break in between. - Once the boxers finish, switch places with the coaches and keep going!
Let’s Get Baked: - Preheat your oven to 450 degrees. - Line a baking sheet with aluminum foil. - Wash off your potatoes and scrub off any dirt. - If you want, peel the potatoes, but it’s not really necessary. - Cut the potatoes into strips so they’re sized like normal fries. You know what those are right? - Lay out the strips on the aluminum foil as flat as you can. - Drizzle a little olive oil across the fries. Move ‘em around a bit so the oil is evenly dispersed. - Sprinkle on the cinnamon, salt and pepper. - Put the fries in the oven for 20 minutes, stopping halfway through to move them around a bit. Add more cinnamon if you want! - Let them cool a bit before serving, so they don’t burn your mouth or mush together. - Dip them in ketchup, honey mustard or nothing at all!
The Game Ends When: A real fight breaks out. No blood in the beer!
Not a fan of cinnamon? Try them with honey! Or parmesan cheese. There’s no way to go wrong with this.
download our free app for all the games! 12
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6 degrees of separation
Kendrick Lamar to
Dana Carvey These two are connected by 6 different people. if you know who, and how, tweet us @Blacksheep_VCU First 3 right answers get a prize!
Check out our
New Fall Menu!
the seek n find
can you find everything in this computer lab? Send your answers to classtime@theblacksheeponline.com - the first right answer gets a prize!
famous jims ACROSS 1) President Jimmy, of the late 70s. 3) This Jimmy wants you to come on down to Margaritaville. 5) Jim Davis created this famous kitty cartoon. 6) Jim Morrison sang, “Come on baby, light my” what? 10) One of the headliners of Woodstock ‘69, two words. 11) This rapper’s biggest single was 2006’s “We Fly High,” two words. 12) Last name of Jim on The Office. 13) This Jimmy’s hit song was “The Middle,” two words. 15) Creator of Kermit the Frog, amongst others. DOWN 1) This Jim’s most famous role was as Jesus in The Passion of the Christ. 2) Jim Parsons played this character on The Big Bang Theory. 2) Sean Connery is amongst many who
played this famous James. 4) Former SNL cast member turned latenight talk show host. 5) This comedian’s most famous standup is King Baby. 7) British hottie Jim Sturgess played Jude in the 2007 film Across the what? 8) Guitarist and leader of Led Zeppelin, two words. 9) Former co-host of The Man Show. 14) Jim Carrey played this character in the successful 1998 film.
crossword
KNOXVILLE’S BEST BEER SELECTION!
COME ENJOY 96 BEERS ON DRAFT
L I V E M U S I C N I G H T LY OPEN
7 DAYS check out our rooftop patio at the new location
A WEEK!
2200 cumberland ave
tuesdays $2 drafts* wednesdays half off wines all day thursdays half off drafts* after 9 pm
WELCOME BACK, UT STUDENTS! With class back in session, we invite you to come unwind with friends with great food, craft beer, pool tables and live, local music at Barley’s.
865.637.4663 www.sunspotrestaurant.com
THE HISTORIC OLD CITY 200 E. Jackson Ave. Knoxville, TN 37915 www.barleysknoxville.com • 865-521-0092