The Black Sheep
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Vol. 3, Issue 4
The College Newspaper That's Actually About College
9/12/13 - 9/18/13
Jimmy Cheek
and the Chamber of Secrets BY: Austin McLaurine After being at UT for a while, you start to notice things. Maybe a slight chill in the air as you pass the University Center, a stronger than normal odor emitting from the steam grates outside Alumni Memorial Building, or perhaps you notice a glistening Jimmy Cheek-like figure in Presidential Courtyard after a weekend-long bender with your bros. Whatever it is, UT is hiding something. Within the labyrinth of AMB, you can hear the moans of what sounds like students who didn’t make it through freshman chemistry. More than likely, it’s the people trying to stay awake for their 8 a.m. lecture. To add to the misery of that building, no matter how many times you go to class in AMB, you get lost in the winding hallways that always seem to lead to the same place. In the heart of the maze, there is probably a super secret teacher’s lounge that nobody can find due to sheer frustration. Although it could just lead right back to where you were — but wait? Where’s the exit again? Ever wonder why UT is constantly under construction? It’s all a sham. Sure, we might get a new useful Music Building, but it’s just a cover for what is really being built on campus. By having construction on every street corner no one can pinpoint the under-the-table construction happening on campus. We believe the epicenter of all this secret activity is taking place below the UC. Why else would it be taking so long to build a “glorified cafeteria”? Once the new UC is finished, the secret of UT will be forever enclosed and hidden from the world. The door to this secret paradise is unknown, although we have a hunch it’s located behind the pins in the Down Under bowling alley. What’s to be found past those hallowed doors? Our best guess is Jimmy Cheek’s personal jacuzzi room filled with thousands of textbooks to create a false shortage in the economy, thus raising the price for students. While Mr. Cheek is in his secret chamber, he invites over Smokey and the chancellors from neighboring colleges to lounge in his “Power T” hot tub, sip on Tanqueray (dry campus doesn’t apply to underground chambers that don’t technically exist), and enjoy a large TV in the shape of a “T.”
Pointless, you might say, but Mr. Cheek has that UT money and he intends to spend it. He might as well live there, for all we know, because who would want to leave a wonderland like that and instead walk around a construction site? Also found in the chamber is a switch for all on-campus washing machines and dryers that causes them to malfunction at any given moment. A live camera feed is present to display the hilarity, of course, for the Cheek’s malicious laughter.
This might seem like your average college campus, but there is definitely more going on than meets the eye. The next time you see something a little odd or out of the ordinary, don’t follow it, because it may lead you down Jimmy Cheek’s rabbit hole.. And be careful, because that steam coming out of the ground near AMB could be coming from Cheek’s personal steam room, in which he sits naked.
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