Volume 5
The Black Sheep
rea Free! lly m Lik ake e we you wou pay ld for this .
The College Newspaper That's Actually About College
Issue 4
YOU GOTTA PAY THE VOL TROLL TOLL Nathan Powell wrote this As UT’s tuition continues to rise, many students are left wondering where all the money is really going. While UT’s elite have stated that becoming a top-25 research institution is a costly endeavor, a local UT engineering graduate student, Patrick Waverly, whom many consider to be a trusted and unbiased source, theorizes our tuition is being used for another purpose: to pay the “troll toll.” Upon further inquiry into this shocking postulation, he decided this was the appropriate time to reveal one of the most captivating scandals in UT’s history. “It was a rainy week,” said Waverly, “I was near Neyland Stadium when I noticed something peculiar. A hose and pump—surrounded by UT faculty—appeared to be draining water from the overflowing sewers. However, my engineering prowess told me that this was not the sound of a properly-functioning pump. Upon further inspection, involving looking deep down the sewer drain with the backlight of my iPhone 5, I saw a most horrid sight. Near the end of the hose, hulking trolls huddled together grunting and growling in the midst of what appeared to be a grand feast. ‘Mmm delicious!’ I heard one shout. It didn’t take long to realize that the pump was not, in fact, draining water from the sewer; but rather, it was pumping troll food into the sewer.” In response to this shocking revelation, we asked for proof of his claim. “Do you have any proof against it?” he argued, “there really is no other alternative, I mean, where else could the money be going? I work as a research assistant, and I can tell you, the money’s not going to me!” After weeks of diligent research, we finally made contact with a Mr. Tim Rollingsworth, a man Waverly believed to have visited the trolls regularly, a man who could give more information about our underground companions. According to Mr. Rollingsworth, our tuition money is indeed going towards a “troll toll.” “It all was part of an ingenious scheme,” said Tim, “to keep the trolls from seizing control of Knoxville and turning every citizen into a midnight snack. We began investing money into food and entertainment for the trolls in order to keep their hunger for humans at bay, and what better way to gather capital than by sneaking it out of an institution that can basically allocate funds however it sees fit?” Tim had a copy of a contract written in 1776 outlining a program known as “UT” or the “Ultimate Troll.”
into the latest and most exquisite troll foods. If there is one thing trolls hate, it’s generic foods. “They won’t take fast food,” says Tim, “they say it tastes like garbage. We also have to budget for a popular music festival that we host underground every year for the trolls called Trollapalooza. And believe me, unless you get the top pop artists, trolls will be causing mayhem in the streets.”
troll. “I’m actually controlling my urge to not devour your internal organs as we speak,” said Tim. “Seriously, you aren’t leaving. I’m just going to go ahead and eat you.” Trolls can be distracted by a loud scream, but the smell of wetting oneself can also buy time to escape their clutches, as we found out by personal experience. As we continue to break off the surface of the underground troll city known as Metrollpolis, we are discovering just how large a problem the troll community has become, and it continues to grow at an astounding rate.
Each year since, thousands of dollars for R&D is invested towards research
Tim’s research further indicates the majority of trolls can’t control their hunger and therefore are kept in the dark about the existence of humans; these pop sensations have to do their concerts disguised as trolls and under contract to not reveal UT’s horrendous secret. At the same time, trolls still need nourishment because their cravings. When asked how Tim got all of this information, he revealed he actually is a well-educated
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IT’S A SLIPPERY SLOPE, FRIENDS.
THIS FALL’S TELEVISION LINEUP IS ATROCIOUS. HERE’S WHAT WE THINK WOULD HELP.
DON’T GET STUCK CRAWLING TO CLASS, CHECK OUT ONE OF THESE ALTERNATIVE MODES INSTEAD.
With constant appeasement-- that is, increased tuition hikes-- the trolls continue to multiply which only increases the number of mouths to feed.
FOLLOW US @BLACKSHEEP_UTK NOVEMBER 6th, 2014 - NOVEMBER 19th, 2014 THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM