Tennessee - Issue 4 - 11/6/2014 by The Black Sheep

Volume 5

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Issue 4

YOU GOTTA PAY THE VOL TROLL TOLL Nathan Powell wrote this As UT’s tuition continues to rise, many students are left wondering where all the money is really going. While UT’s elite have stated that becoming a top-25 research institution is a costly endeavor, a local UT engineering graduate student, Patrick Waverly, whom many consider to be a trusted and unbiased source, theorizes our tuition is being used for another purpose: to pay the “troll toll.” Upon further inquiry into this shocking postulation, he decided this was the appropriate time to reveal one of the most captivating scandals in UT’s history. “It was a rainy week,” said Waverly, “I was near Neyland Stadium when I noticed something peculiar. A hose and pump—surrounded by UT faculty—appeared to be draining water from the overflowing sewers. However, my engineering prowess told me that this was not the sound of a properly-functioning pump. Upon further inspection, involving looking deep down the sewer drain with the backlight of my iPhone 5, I saw a most horrid sight. Near the end of the hose, hulking trolls huddled together grunting and growling in the midst of what appeared to be a grand feast. ‘Mmm delicious!’ I heard one shout. It didn’t take long to realize that the pump was not, in fact, draining water from the sewer; but rather, it was pumping troll food into the sewer.” In response to this shocking revelation, we asked for proof of his claim. “Do you have any proof against it?” he argued, “there really is no other alternative, I mean, where else could the money be going? I work as a research assistant, and I can tell you, the money’s not going to me!” After weeks of diligent research, we finally made contact with a Mr. Tim Rollingsworth, a man Waverly believed to have visited the trolls regularly, a man who could give more information about our underground companions. According to Mr. Rollingsworth, our tuition money is indeed going towards a “troll toll.” “It all was part of an ingenious scheme,” said Tim, “to keep the trolls from seizing control of Knoxville and turning every citizen into a midnight snack. We began investing money into food and entertainment for the trolls in order to keep their hunger for humans at bay, and what better way to gather capital than by sneaking it out of an institution that can basically allocate funds however it sees fit?” Tim had a copy of a contract written in 1776 outlining a program known as “UT” or the “Ultimate Troll.”

into the latest and most exquisite troll foods. If there is one thing trolls hate, it’s generic foods. “They won’t take fast food,” says Tim, “they say it tastes like garbage. We also have to budget for a popular music festival that we host underground every year for the trolls called Trollapalooza. And believe me, unless you get the top pop artists, trolls will be causing mayhem in the streets.”

troll. “I’m actually controlling my urge to not devour your internal organs as we speak,” said Tim. “Seriously, you aren’t leaving. I’m just going to go ahead and eat you.” Trolls can be distracted by a loud scream, but the smell of wetting oneself can also buy time to escape their clutches, as we found out by personal experience. As we continue to break off the surface of the underground troll city known as Metrollpolis, we are discovering just how large a problem the troll community has become, and it continues to grow at an astounding rate.

Each year since, thousands of dollars for R&D is invested towards research

Tim’s research further indicates the majority of trolls can’t control their hunger and therefore are kept in the dark about the existence of humans; these pop sensations have to do their concerts disguised as trolls and under contract to not reveal UT’s horrendous secret. At the same time, trolls still need nourishment because their cravings. When asked how Tim got all of this information, he revealed he actually is a well-educated

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CAMPUS METHODS OF TRAVEL

PRE-GAMING THE PRE-GAME: A TALE OF SURVIVAL

HOW TO FIX 2014’S WORST NEW SHOWS (WITHOUT CHANGING THEIR NAMES)

IT’S A SLIPPERY SLOPE, FRIENDS.

THIS FALL’S TELEVISION LINEUP IS ATROCIOUS. HERE’S WHAT WE THINK WOULD HELP.

DON’T GET STUCK CRAWLING TO CLASS, CHECK OUT ONE OF THESE ALTERNATIVE MODES INSTEAD.

With constant appeasement-- that is, increased tuition hikes-- the trolls continue to multiply which only increases the number of mouths to feed.

MEET the STAFF CAMPUS MANAGER Emily Hagenburger

OWNER Atish Doshi

ADVERTISING MANAGERS Christine Hibma

FOUNDERS Atish Doshi, Brendan Bonham, Heather-Jo Erickson, Jimmy DeBlasio, Jessica Sommers, Quinn Myers

WRITERS Austin McLaurine Alex Harward Meagan Dawson Scott Hannah

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WORD of the WEEK

MIRRORCLE An act in which one looks in the mirror and is convinced she looks good when she, in fact, does not. “I don’t know what she was thinking when she looked at herself in the mirror tonight,” Bethany exclaimed, “must have been a mirrorcle.”

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AROUND CAMPUS

A STUDY:

CAMPUS METHODS OF TRAVEL Cory Chitwood wrote this

Are you tired of being behind the times? Stuck crawling to class but aren’t sure what alternatives exist? Don’t fret, The Black Sheep is here to save you with our completely authentic and very scientific study on alternate methods of campus transportation. About 33 percent of UT students make some sort of boring commute to this university by way of car. This monotonous mode of transportation is acceptable for several reasons: it pisses off those damn environmentally-concerned, condescending mill-abouts, and because choosing to go down Alcoa Highway in anything other than a car is a death sentence (and sometimes even if you’re in a car). So, rest easy you Earth-killing chumps, and keep on truckin’. Obviously the most popular mode of transportation at this school is walking. About 50 percent of all UT students choose to be pedestrians, according to our completely real survey. Of the students that make those boring walks to class, about 2 percent are truly elite. In what way is “elite” defined? They parkour their way to class. “It’s a great way to get to class – and of course to impress all the ladies,” said freshman Andy Notreel. According to Notreel, for one to parkour his way to class one must not only be athletic, but creative. The key isn’t so much as to look like an ass, but to find the quickest way to get to class through the never-ending construction zones without dying. But, come on guys, walking is SO 2002. Which is why we’re happy to report that nearly 5 percent of UT students truly set themselves apart by longboarding to class. If you don’t know what

BRAND NEW STUDENT HOUSING APPLY TODAY FOR FALL 2015 walk to class • fully furnished • private bedrooms & bathrooms fitness center • iMac computer center • theater room study lounge • individual leases • roommate matching available

longboarding is, it’s pretty much skateboarding except more mellow, which makes it cooler. We would’ve asked a longboarder for comment on the benefits of boardin’ to class but we couldn’t catch up with any of these rad dudes because they were too busy hanging out at Urban Outfitters or tearing up Ped Walkway. On the environmentally-friendly side of things, we have the bikers. 12 percent of UT students go to class and save the planet simultaneously. Junior Alisha Emaginary told us that biking is an essential part of her day. “I just hate polluting the Earth – and plus driving is SO dangerous,” said Emaginary before proceeding to ride down Cumberland Avenue without a helmet while ignoring those pesky red lights that only apply to cars. Of the remaining one percent there are all sorts of transportation strategies. There’s the football players who get around on their mopeds – because nothing makes more sense than trying to fit an SEC lineman onto a bike with a seat the size of a nickel. But the most infamous of this elite “one-percent” are those who ride the scooters. The UTK scooter movement can trace its roots back to the infamous “scooter boy” who can be seen scootin’ his way around campus while reaching Yik Yak immortality. Others soon followed his lead and adopted this method of travel despite the fact that most college-aged people haven’t touched or even seen a scooter since 2004. Our highly accurate studies have determined that for better or for worse (probably for the better) this one is just a fad and will die out soon. And when it does, The Black Sheep will be back to inform the world of the newest transportation craze.

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THIS OR THAT

UT BASKETBALL PLAYER ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT RAPPER? Alex Harward wrote this

Now that the football team, though still potentially great, has continued to be mediocre this season, it’s time to focus on other interests. It’s much too far into the semester for the students’ concern to be on their grades, so basketball is the next logical choice. After last year’s Sweet Sixteen appearance, we’re excited to see what they’ve got this year. However, we lost the coach who led us to three straight 20-win seasons and a deep tournament run, our three best players are now being paid to play basketball somewhere, and about half of the players our former coach recruited jumped ship after he left. So what does that leave us with? Well that’s for you to find out. Below, we’ll give you a picture and short description of a person, and it’s your job to figure out whether it’s a Tennessee men’s basketball player, or a member of the rap group Arrested Development, whose hit song was titled “Tennessee.”

1) This man is from Edmond, Oklahoma and the son of Michael and Alice Richardson. He is 6’6 and he plays the classical piano. In college he was a Coach Wooden Citizen Cup Semifinalist. Still not familiar? Well this young man is Josh Richardson, also known as the highest returning scorer for the basketball team at a whopping 10.3 points per game. One of the few seniors on the team, his play determines whether or not we can break off the bubble and make it into the prestigious NIT this year.

THE TOP TEN Things UT Can Build

Brick-by-Brick

It’s to no one’s surprise that Tennessee’s faith in one of Coach Jones’ catchphrases goes beyond just the football program. He’s the man of the hour and what he says has a major impact on the university, so when we’re told to build ourselves up “brick by brick,” we take that shit seriously. The Black Sheep has the top 10 things UT can build –well, you get it. 10.) Team 118 and Beyond: It’s been said over and over: “we’ll be better next year…” for how many years now? The fans at UT have strong spirits to believe in a team that’s shit every season. Maybe if we take this “brick-by-brick” thing seriously a little magic will work its way onto Rocky Top, and we’ll win a few SEC games. 9.) Parking Garages: At a prominent SEC school, on the road to the top 25, one would think there would be adequate parking to convenience the students, right? Completely wrong. We pay $250 for a parking pass that is utterly useless without enough parking to go around. We literally need to use bricks and build us some parking garages.

2) He has moved around for most of his childhood. He was born in Milwaukee and moved to Ripley, Tennessee before finally settling down in Georgia where he went to high school at Rufus King High. If you haven’t guessed, this is Todd Thomas, more commonly known as Speech, the lead of Arrested Development. At 46 years old, he might not be eligible to play basketball for us, but we don’t doubt that he could still make the team.

4) This man from New Jersey helped put his organization on the map, but left to pursue other endeavors. Which leaves him where he is now, the former co-front man of Arrested Development. His name is Timothy Barnwell, or DJ Headline. He met Speech at the Art Institute of Georgia where they would form the group, only to leave years later, not even returning for the reunion. In other words, he’s the Lane Kiffin of their group.

8.) The Top 25: UT will never be in the top 25 until we handle a few concerning issues. We need to be a wet campus, Jimmy Cheek needs to go, construction must cease to exist, and for the love of all that is Vol, we need to take down the damn eyesore of a statue on Pedestrian Walkway. Who’s with us?

7.) The Current Construction: Campus construction has gone on far too long. Everyone is tired of the construction workers staring at him or her as they walk to class, so just throw some more bricks at the new UC and be done already! 3) The dude in this picture was born in Union City, Tennessee, but went a little south to attend Dyer County High School. The past year has been rough on him, being away from his organization that saw a key member leave, but he stuck it out and should be a major contributor down the road. While the majority of this could probably also be said about Baba Oje of Arrested Development, the young man pictured above is Robert Hubbs, the crown jewel of Cuonzo Martin’s recruiting classes. He had to miss all but the first dozen games of last year but stuck around, knowing the mantra of Tennessee sports is “ there’s always next year.”

5) This one is the hardest toss up: he’s a Michigan man who came south for his education. His task was never going to be easy, replacing a successful member of the organization after his sudden departure, but so far he hasn’t completely screwed it up. This man is the new head basketball coach for the University of Tennessee, Donnie Tyndall, and while you might have recognized him from the early days of The Roots, we can assure you he was never a member of Arrested Development. That’s not to say he wasn’t singing “Tennessee” on his way into town from Southern Miss, but let’s just hope he has more staying power than the group and their single Grammy award.

How did you do? Hopefully by the end of the year these players and the rest of the team will be as synonymous with Tennessee success as the Grammy award-winning group was.

6.) Dining Dollars on The Strip: Been to eat on the strip lately? If you have, you may have noticed the VolCard petition going around to all the local dining locations, and dining dollars for all is the main purpose. We don’t know about you, but using dining dollars for drunken Cook-Out sounds just peachy to us (mmm, peach cobbler milkshake). 5.) Better Relations with Jimmy Cheek: Have you actually ever seen him in person? We are going to assume the answer, for most, would be no. C’mon Jimmy, use that brick-by-brick mindset to build up your student body relationship. It’s all about the connections, after all. 4.) Free Admission to Football Games: Newsflash, no one enjoys paying $10 to watch the football team lose. UT has enough money, no need to steal from poor college students. Whoever is in charge of this needs to get their shit together and start building. 3.) Moving Sidewalks: We all know how terrible and crowded and confusing airports are, but being able to casually hop on a “moving sidewalk” to get from one gate to another almost makes it worth it. These would be perfect for UT. Just imagine: no student would ever have to walk up The Hill again! 2.) The Traffic Light Situation: It’s pretty much mass chaos on the strip 24/7. The traffic lights are never timed correctly and it’s a wonder all hell hasn’t broken loose. We started from the bottom and… we’re still at the bottom, build that shit up. 1.) Robot Football Players: What if, and stick with us here, Butch really wants us to literally build a new football team? Eh? Anybody? Well, our engineering department can get on that and the rest of us will keep waiting for improvement. Alex Harward wrote this

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PRE-GAMING THE PRE-GAME:

A TALE OF SURVIVAL Staff wrote this

My name is Gina McConnell and I am a survivor. Not of a plane crash, a shipwreck or even a deadly snowstorm. What I endured was more lethal than any of those things; I pre-gamed the pre-game, and I live to tell you my tale today. It began as any other Friday here in Knoxville. I had just gotten out of my math recitation when I received a text message from one of my old friends, Natalie, I hadn’t seen since freshman year. It read: “Hey! We’re pre-gaming at my place at 8 before we go out, if you don’t come I will literally fucking hate you forever….haha jk miss you!” This is the same girl that I had to drag out of her dorm room kicking and screaming to come to parties with us freshman year, the same girl that I saw take a half hour to beer bong a single Mike’s Hard. Surely, by pre-gaming she meant have a Smirnoff Ice or two, or maybe a mixer with 95% Sprite and 5% vodka. I would have to take drinking matters into my own hands. It was 7 p.m., time to start pre-gaming the pre-game. I downed a few beers, but still wasn’t drinking quickly enough. I had to drink enough to sit through a few hours of quitely chatting and sipping on white wine. I began swiftly swigging Fireball. The bottle finished, I needed more, so I ran across the street to buy something. Bought a Four Loko this time, taste didn’t matter at this point, I just needed to get nice ‘n loaded before this pre-game. Finally, it was time. I emptied out the last drops of Four Loko into my tank and was on my way. I arrived at the scene, sloshed but not too sloshed—just sloshed enough. Odd, I thought, that there were so many empty Nattys on the table. This couldn’t have been Natalie’s doing. Sure enough, there she was shotgunning one, and in only 10 seconds too. She quickly invited me to come sit by her and play a game of waterfall. Somehow, every single waterfall I ended up last, chugging almost my entire beer. Next up was presidents, and guess who the asshole was all game long? It’s as if time was moving in slow motion, the drinks got more painful with every dreadful sip. I couldn’t breathe, I was going to drown myself. Gasping for air, I ran outside.

At this point it was decided; I was not making it out tonight. My legs were weak, my stomach wincing. I took off walking, only to realize I was lost. My phone and wallet were MIA. I was alone in the wilderness that is Knoxvegas. “This is how it ends” I thought. I had nothing but the clothes on my back, a mean booze blanket and a ping pong ball that I found. I named her Wendy; she was oddly comforting. Wendy and I traveled until we could travel no more. I sat and looked off into the distance, and that’s when I saw it. The radiating glow of Henley Apartments flashed before my eyes. We ran as fast as my 3-inch heels would take us. I immediately went to my cousin’s apartment and knocked on the door. When he opened the door, I dropped to the ground and kissed the sweet, sweet carpeted floor. I had done the impossible, I had survived pre-gaming the pre-game.

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ON THE STREETS Where’s the most inappropriate place you’ve ever been naked? JACOB “In front of my girlfriend’s parents.”

BEN “Up in a tree.”

DJ “In the Great Smoky Mountains.”

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SPECIAL NIGHT

FRIDAY! Beer Bust from 9-12 DJ Snoop from 12-Close

Happy Hour Monday-Friday, 3-7pm: $2 Pints, $5 Appetizers

Thursday

Throwback Thursday! $3 Big Gulps 32oz, $3 Well Brands, $3 Long Island Teas, $3 Shots

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Friday

Beer Bust from 9-12 DJ Snoop from 12-Close

Jazz Night 9pm! Happy Hour 3-7pm: $2 Pints, $5 Appetizers 11/7: Katy Free Three 11/14: Bethany Hankins and Friends

Burrito Mexicano $6.75 Show/Mention Special to Get It!

Saturday

Live Music Every Saturday! 10-Close

Jazz Night 9pm 11/8: Harold Nagge/Alan Wyatt 11/15: Chuck Mullican Jazz Bonanza

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Sunday

We’d Like to Host Your Parties or Business, Fraternity or Sorority Events! Call at (865) 347-2162 The Annex: 1920 Cumberland Ave, Knoxville

Jazz Brunch 12-2pm

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Monday

We’d Like to Host Your Parties or Business, Fraternity or Sorority Events! Call at (865) 347-2162 The Annex: 1920 Cumberland Ave, Knoxville

Variety of Vegetarian Options! Happy Hour 3-7pm: $2 Pints, $5 Appetizers

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Tuesday

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Wednesday

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THE BAR GRID ON THE STRIP SATURDAY! $3 Domestic Bottles, $4 High Gravity Beers, $5 Walk Me Downs Live Music on the Patio

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SPECIAL NIGHT

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$1 Off Drafts before 8pm

Thursday

$3 Domestic Bottles $4 High Gravity Beers $5 Walk Me Downs DJ Stan Upstairs

Follow Sergeant Pepperoni’s on Facebook (fb.com/SgtPepperonis) and sergeantpepperonis.com to see special offers

$1 Off Drafts before 8pm

Friday

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Saturday

Closed for Private Parties Please Come In to Inquire

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Sunday

Closed for Private Parties Please Come In to Inquire

Three 3-Topping Pizzas for $21

$1 Off Drafts before 8pm

Monday

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Buy One 14” Specialty Pizza, Get Second One 1/2 Off

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Tuesday

American Night $2 Bud and Bud Lights, $4 Wild Turkey Honey, $5 American Harvest $5.99 Burgers

2 Calzones for $12

$1 Off Drafts before 8pm

Wednesday

In case you haven’t heard, this fall’s television lineup is atrocious. It’s drawn about as much interest as Santa Claus hulahooping in the nude. Actually, that sounds riveting. The ratings have been practically nonexistent, especially for the new shows. Luckily, due to these shows having extremely vague and terrible names, they can be completely transformed without having to change the title. Have no fear, network executives, The Black Sheep is here to save television. Keep in mind that a couple million viewers is not a lot. For context, Sunday Night Football averages over 21 million viewers and The Big Bang Theory (which is awful) averages over 20 million viewers.

Red Band Society Wednesdays at 9 p.m. on FOX

Summary: Red Band Society follows a group of teenagers who, due to various ailments, are living at the hospital. This includes a (lucky for him) comatose narrator, two cancer patients, a bitchy cheerleader who needs a new heart (Oh, the symbolism), a girl with an eating disorder, and (shocker) a sassy, older black woman with a heart of gold who acts as both a nurse and a spiritual guide. Ratings: Since opening at 4.1 million viewers (1.3 rating) for the pilot, the show’s viewership has dropped each

Ratings: Despite relatively good ratings, viewership has dropped from 14.75 million in the pilot

Summary: The father of an upper-middle-class black family living in the predominantly white suburbs struggles to find a cultural identity for his increasingly “white-acting” family. Essentially, the father acts out what a white person does when accused of racism, such as trying to desperately to find his kids more black friends or dressing them in a dashiki and attempting tribalsounding drum music.

to 11.71 at the present. How to Fix It: The female Secretary of State tries to balance her demanding job as one of the most important people in the world with her lucrative job as a madam at the world’s most successful brothel. She knows that she should quit the brothel, but it’s what allowed her the income to get into politics in the first place. To make matters worse, the DIA is on her tail and if her side job is found out, she’ll lose everything. It’s like Weeds, but the stakes are infinitely higher.

Summary: John Mulaney is a young comedian who, along with his two best friends and roommates, one male and one female, try to make it in the toughest city in the world. Also there to help is Mulaney’s wacky neighbor. Sound familiar? That’s because it’s Seinfeld. Seriously, it’s just modern Seinfeld, but not funny. Ratings: It is averaging a pathetic 2.3 million viewers.

Jane the Virgin • Mondays at 9 p.m. on The CW Summary: Jane, a teenage, religious Latina, has decided to save herself for marriage, only to be accidentally artificially inseminated by her doctor. I don’t think any snide remarks need to be added to this one. The premise is bad enough already. Ratings: The most recent episode had 1.03 million viewers (try not to laugh.) How to Fix It: Growing up in ancient Egypt among the pharaohs, Jane tries tows the line

Selfie Tuesdays at 8 p.m. on ABC

between her promise to her family (and the sun god Amon-Ra) to stay pure until marriage, and her desire to not be sacrificed to the Tefnut, lion-god of water, amongst the worst drought in the history of the Egyptian Empire. Little does she know, she has gained the interest of a young Egyptian Prince who wishes to one day marry her… Moses.

Summary: Eliza, a social media fiend and popular personality, is ruined after an embarrassing selfie goes viral. In order to save her image, she hires a self-image marketing expert who reluctantly agrees despite his utter annoyance at everything she does. Essentially, it’s every single show ever made where two opposite personalities clash, except they think if they add enough social media references, young people will watch it. Apparently this is not the case. Ratings: After debuting at 5.31 million viewers, those figures

How to Fix It: Instead of red hospital bands, the show follows a group of secret Nazis living in post-World War II America. They wear their red swastika bands under their clothes and attempt to overthrow the American government. At least when these Nazis are inevitably found out and killed, it won’t be as depressing as when a teenager dies in the show’s original format.

Black-ish • Wednesdays at 9:30 p.m. on ABC

Madam Secretary • Sundays at 8 p.m. on CBS Summary: Following the death of her predecessor, a woman tries to balance her new job as the Secretary of State with her personal life as a wife and mother of two children. How edgy and original! A woman as the Secretary of State? That would never happen, except for in three out of the last six in America. Maybe this show would have been better received in 1980, when it would have been unheard of.

week until episode four, which had 2.92 million viewers (0.9 rating).

Ratings: Despite a solid showing in the pilot at 11.04 million, its viewership has since dropped drastically to a meager 6.93 million. How to Fix It: A struggling actor finds the role of a lifetime, except that it calls for a black actor and he is white. Instead of giving up, the protagonist attempts to gain the role while in blackface, only to realize that getting the role was the easy part. He spends the rest of the series trying to blend in with the black community and keep the ruse going. Essentially, a racial Mrs. Doubtfire.

How To Fix It: Instead of attempting to make a show out of this horrible mess, just literally air Seinfeld, which had 76.3 million viewers in its last episode, which is slightly less than thirty-five (freakin’ thirty-five) times the viewers Mulaney gets each week. Even though they probably won’t be able to get them to make new episodes, just air reruns like TBS does for 20 out of the 24 hours a day. Then at least you won’t have wasted as much time and money on something that’s already been done.

Mulaney Sundays at 9:30 p.m. on FOX

Bad Judge • Thursdays at 9 p.m. on NBC Summary: Rebecca Wright is a judge. But that’s not all. She’s also a heavy-drinking, promiscuoussex-having, and scofflawing mess in her personal life. Oh, we get it. Because she’s a judge, so she is supposed to be able to make good judgments, but she isn’t. Plus, since we’re watching the show, it will really be the viewer who is judging her. How clever. Ratings: Viewership has fallen from 5.84 million to 4.39 million.

How to Fix It: Judge Reinhold, the older brother from Fast Times At Ridgemont High and the close talker from Seinfeld, has come on hard times due to his recently-stagnat acting career. In an act of desperation, he decides to become a male prostitute. After initial struggles, he finds that there are a plethora of middle-aged women willing to pay nearly any price to feel like they are in the 80s and young again; and sleeping with him does exactly that. Everything is going great until, in a very 80s plot twist, he contracts AIDS, which puts his livelihood, and morals, to the test.

have dropped to 3.82 million weekly. How to Fix It: An elderly man who is lonely after being widowered by his late wife decides to enlist his young neighbor to teach him how to use technology in order to make new friends and find a new, younger wife. Over the course of their teachings, a bond is formed between the two neighbors, who begin to manipulate their technological prowess to trick beautiful women into going out with them, mostly through the use of cleverly-angled and extremely-filtered selfies.

BARTENDER of the WEEK Relationship Status: Bartender’s secret• Major: Evolutionary biology Favorite Drink: Gin and grapefruit juice Favorite Shot: Cucumber vodka • Disgusting Drink: Jaeger bomb What should be infused with alcohol that currently isn’t?: Salads What animal would you most like to see drunk?: My cat, because he is fat.

SAM of FORT SANDERS YACHT CLUB THE DRINKING GAME

If you had a song playing in your aura as you walk around, what would it be?: “Bitch, Don’t Kill My Vibe” by Kendrick Lamar What’s your favorite euphemism for a naught bit?: Weiner, because it’s a funny word.

What’s a feature a social media platform should offer, but currently doesn’t?: A button that lets you know if a friend is drinking. How does one best get dough daily?: Sourdough starter. What are your thoughts on me noticing you noticing me, and me putting you on notice that I’m noticing you, too?: Screw off. Why should people read The Black Sheep?: To stay awake in class.

RECIPE FOR DISASTER

STRIPPING THE COLD

OLD-SCHOOL SANDWICH

Alright, it’s officially November, guys. It’s going to get colder than you can even imagine sometime soon, so you may as well make a game out of it while you freeze your ass off. This one’s pretty simple. The goal is to see how many layers you can remove due to your level of intoxication. Easy right? Not so fast...

If you’re the type of person who becomes a child when you get too drunk, this week’s recipe is for you. Even the mature drunks can appreciate the sentiment of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, so loosen up and enjoy this classic drunk treat with a few added extras.

What You’ll Need: Your grandmother to take you shopping for winter clothes, the strength to zip two coats over one another, a liver that will risk everything to keep your body warm. Number of Players: Head-to-head challenges require at least two players, personal record challenges require just one. Level of Intoxication: Enough to think this is a good idea in below zero weather. How to Play: - First, you’ll need to check the temperature outside to know where you’re starting. - Bundle up good, buck’o! Throw on as many layers as possible (mark down how many articles of clothing you have on). - Begin drinking and sweating from all the clothes you foolishly put on. - When you believe you’re drunk enough, head outside and begin taking layers off. - Continue to remove layers until you either unknowingly freeze or strip completely naked.

What You’ll Need: Peanut butter, jelly, bread, your desired toppings (we enjoy bananas, more peanuts, Oreos – yes, OREOS). Fatty Factor: You’ll feel like an overweight baby forced to stay in the hospital for three extra weeks to shed some weight. Let’s Get Baked: - Stumble on over to the kitchen and grab a plate. - Get your bread ready (classic preparation here, just lay it on the plate ya’ fool!) - After you miss the plate, pick your bread up off the floor and slap some peanut butter and jelly on it. - Gobble down three spoonfuls of peanut butter and try to say the alphabet backwards to all your friends. - What did you used to put in your lunchbox in grade school? Throw it on the sandwich. - You might end up with a bunch of weird stuff on your sandwich – gummy bears, half a Lunchable, Kit Kats, you name it. Just swallow it, you won’t regret it.

The Game Ends When: You realize you’ve just been tricked into playing a game where you end up naked in public.

Didn’t that take you back? Now be careful. While you’re feeling overwhelmed with this nostalgia, you can’t turn into a mess of emotions and begin telling everyone you love them. Just whisper it to your sandwich there – it’s the best listener of all.

DOWNLOAD OUR FREE APP FOR ALL THE GAMES!

NOMNOMNOM AT THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM

the black sheep mobile | FoR iphone & anDRoiD

page 13

WHAT YOUHOW SHOULD REALLY BE DOING DURING FINALS WEEK TO LIFE ADVICE

PAGE 13 • THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM

April is almost over, which means the end of spring semester is nigh. But, before that glorious day, students must get past one last hurdle: final exams. Now why in the world would anyone want to read an article about finals? Well, this isn’t really an article about finals at all; in fact, it’s very much about avoiding anything to do with finals at all costs. Seems right up your alley.

Consider the fact that after just three measly prompting them to call on you EVERY SINGLE TIME. absences, you could potentially fail that French Challenge Them to a Dance-Off: Odds are you’ll course. Or, on just your second absence, you could boogie harder when a pass or fail grade is on completely your 6-9.THIS After paying thousands the line. Be sure to only challenge the less-thanTBS STaFFbomb WroTe of (not) hard-earned money in tuition and books, averagely limber professors. Also, making sure you deserve a littleshows R ‘n R,they right? Here are some you can actually dance is necessary. The last thing is the perfect time to catch up on all those amazing keep talking about like breaking bad, mad men and game of thrones. Or, your prof in you’ll want is to lose a dance-off with a secretlypractically fool-proof ways to defeat you could just choose to catch up the with the Kardashians. Should you totally unfair attendance game. proficient-at-jitterbugging writing professor in choose to go this route, we’ll send you a noose free of charge, you front of your entire class… shit stings. know what to do. Bribe Them With… Drugs?: We’ve all seen Weeds, selling some hash to an English professor really Cut Their Brake Lines: Granted, this is sort of Or, if you’re looking far enough ahead nals) you isn’t all(remember, that difficult.past Sure,fithere’s a risk they still putting the professor in danger, but a struggling could coax yourself into the gym to workyou, on your bod. Not report but atsummer least you went out swinging. college student has to do what a struggling everyone had the opportunity to go somewhere super-awesome for little bribe, college student has to do. What you have to make If they don’t seem interested in your spring break, and many of those who lost slip out something on the opportunity maybe into their will coffee. Roll is a absolutely sure of is that they can’t trace it back to go on a nice vacation following finals. tells us that colors. little Since hard toour takesociety when you’re smelling you. Whether that means taking a little refund cash it’s just not right for you to go to the beach without a proper set of and paying someone to do it, or convincing your abs or ﬂat stomach bared proudly, head to the gymsays and“present” do some Pay a Peer: Nothing like someone drunk roommate to do it, is all up to you. cardio, work on abs, check out thesaying, opposite sex, and swim… by someone “present.” If you just and promise “swim” we mean “tan by the pool.“ five bucks just to say one little word, how could Vomit, Vomit Everywhere: Yeah, we know, not they resist? They could buy a big ol’ cup of soup the advice you were hoping for. Here’s the thing And if you’re thinking to yourself, “Man, reallyrefills needofto startastudyat Hess,Ithree coffee, crappy turkey and – they’re not going to want you there if you’re ing,” stop. Have you forgotten you also need to catch up with old cheese sandwich, or a gram of cocaine from spewing all over their classroom. It stinks and is friends? How many times did you blowon offthe your because are close pretty damn distracting, so do them a favor and a bum stripfriends – the possibilities you had to do schoolwork instead? it more $5-$10 than zero? Thisisisayour toIsendless! a week relatively small excuse yourself… after roll. Maybe only try this chance to reconnect with your friends and goanyway. on some awesome iminvestment once or twice though. Bonus points if you can promptu adventures. Go on a safari through the shady side of KnoxWhatever you do, it’s more important than studying. Especially if it successfully vomit on the professor. ville, or have a “who can take theSneak longest nap” contest in Hodges. starts with “chicken” and ends with “carbonara” the Hell out of There: Timing is everything. Either way, it’ll be a whimsical adventure to a faraway land where The trick is to make sure they check mark that you’re Okay, now you’ve got some fairly viable options finals don’t exist and there’s nary a care in the world, besides gang Listen, teach youown as much nary, more!— there, and that you answer the first question askedthese to life beatexperiences those sons ofcan guns at their game.--All violence and night terrors. than any classroom setting can. If you andcash, Leslie hadn’t gotten voluntarily. They’ll be so impressed you answered you’re going to need is some petty drugs, made out friend at thatand/or party,big-ass how would you have learned it right, they won’t think they have to callshitfaced on you and a really stupid wire cutters, Or pamper yourself by taking the time to eat good food, because about sexism in modern America? Didn’t twelve-hour again. If you answer wrong, your name starts puke, and a can-do attitude. May that the odds be ever nap teach your poor body has been living on Taco Bell and Cook-Out every you a lot about your circadian rhythm? Or what about the cooking, to flash neon colors on their attendance chart, in your favor, gamers. drunken night. Reward yourself with an actual meal. You don’t cook? who needs a degree when you can work as a fry guy at McDonalds? Well, learn. Go on the internet and type in “food recipe, plz lol,” Screw studying, there’s a whole new world out there for you right Staff wrote this Google may not get the last half of it, but the first part is a shoe-in. now!

WIN THE ATTENDANCE GAME

Since you’re not going to be productive – again, you’re not studying for finals-- you have to find a way to pass the time. Hell, you’ve procrastinated your way through every semester up until now and you’ve done just fine…kind of. Remember, your parents don’t want you to succumb to peer pressure, and just because everyone is doing it, (studying) that doesn’t mean you have to do it too. Classes are over, which means you need to get your ass to a party, pronto. You’ve made it a whole semester filled with studying, stupid group projects and essays galore, and now it’s time to treat yourself with a party full of beer, music, dancing and denying you still have responsibilities. And think about how awesome everything is going to be: Volapalooza and Fort Sanders Fest will be this weekend, and even if you think Volapalooza will be lame, what with Tyga’s “Rack City” failing to dump those tens and twenties on your titties, think of all the amazing after parties that you could crash. Between classes and finals all signs point to partying. If you aren’t a partier there are plenty things for you to do as well, so you don’t skip straight to studying just because you don’t think we can talk you into doing something that’s both fun and alcohol-free; we made a deal, no studying, dammit. For instance, you could catch up on a lot of TV. You know those mutant friends who are somehow able to keep up with all their schoolwork while spending hours upon hours keeping up with all their shows. We know they suck, but now

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Know Your Album covers

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Do you know all 9 of these album covers? Email us at classtime@theblacksheeponline.com. If you're right, you'll win a prize!

THE SIMPSONS CROSSWORD ACROSS: 3) The owner of the Kwik-E-Mart, last name. 7) The twins in Bart’s class, with purple hair and pale skin. 11) The family’s pet cats.

13) The family’s pet dog is whose Little Helper? 14) Skinner 15) The spokes-mascot for Duff Beer.

DOWN: 1) The Sunday School teacher, Ms. What? 2) The youngest of the Simpsons. 4) Ned Flanders’s deceased wife. 5) The cool elementary school bus driver. 6) Sideshow Bob’s Italian wife. 7) The last name of the owner of Moe’s Tavern. 8) The cartoon cat and mouse, two words. 9) Springfield Chief of Police, two words. 10) Mr. Burn’s personal assistant. 11) The town The Simpsons takes place in. 12) Lisa’s instrument of choice.

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