The Black Sheep
FR EE ... lik e yo th u, at th hu at g on you et r im ex ga e ve
• a college newspaper that’s actually about college •
Volume 2, Issue 5 • 2/7/13 - 2/13/13
theblacksheeponline.com @blacksheepUTK
Valentine’s Day, Solo tbs staff wrote this
Romance is for the birds. At least they go gather twigs and shit together after creepy bird sex – if you’ve never seen birds do it, YouTube it and be prepared to cry after. If you’re in a relationship for this Valentine’s Day, you’re gross and no one else will want to see you for the 24-hour duration of the holiday. So keep that love malarkey out of sight. Being single on this day can lead to some pretty sad sights. Tears and chocolate make you look even more disgusting as you eat the pain away. Jerking off on this day, compared to any other day, has the possibility to make you feel even more alone, and no one needs to get desperate enough to delve into that dangerous David Carradine freak shit. Find other people who aren’t disillusioned into thinking their life is a Nicholas Sparks novel and paint the town black. Go after some chicks or adventure after the D if you want to share that vulnerable lonely vibe with someone just as pathetic as you, but know that the morning after may consist of too much cuddling and seasonal sobbing. Otherwise, avoid lametown by causing shenanigans and keep a light spirit as you take shots in honor of not having to worry about baggage, drama, and pregnancy. Try playing some games instead. Keeping it competitive without worrying about getting laid is a nice change of pace, and you can drink for every pin you don’t hit. Go bowling. No couples will be going bowling except those people who only come out from under their rocks for the county fair. Go watch someone’s sad rendition of a James Blunt song at the karaoke bar and take a drink every time they get too emotional or choke up on the words. Everything can be a game if you pray on people’s emotions. Sure, the fact that your laughing and drinking at the trainwreck singing “My Heart Will Go On,” might be a sign that you’re a bitter, cynical asshole – which might be the reason you’re drinking alone in a karaoke bar on Valentines Day – but look at her up there, with her stupid tears and mopey voice. What a loser! If you’re staying in and getting plastered alone, make sure to S.O.L.O. (Sext Only Lonely Others). But even then, sending
Dear Blonde Girl Who Sits in the Front Row of Physics
I love you so much, it’s not weird.
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nudie pics are a red flag of desperation on this blasted holiday. Don’t hit up your fuck-up ex and don’t drunk dial your parents asking why they created you. Want to keep your mind off of all that? Have a Tarantino marathon. It’s a guaranteed good time that won’t leave you with regret, and will instead remind you of the important things in life, like justice, badass soundtracks, and ten minute long bloodbaths. The horror section on Netflix is another good choice if you’re filled with bitterness, but we always advise that a positive drunk is less annoying than a bel-
what'’s inside
ligerent one. Also, making horror films a Valentine’s Day tradition could lead to some questionable behavior, as well as make other people afraid of you. Just keep in mind that even though you may be alone, you don’t have to be lonely. You should always love yourself more than anyone else, so make sure you do that in the best way possible this Valentines Day. Take a shot for you. Actually, take four. FOUR FOR YOU, GLEN COCO.
Top 10: Things to do with valentine’s gifts from exes
bartender of the week
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Throwing them away is just too easy.
Sabrina from Barley’s wants to make you a liquid mary jane.