Tennessee Fall Issue 5 - 10/4/12

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• a college newspaper that’s actually about college •

Volume 1, Issue 5 10/4/12 - 10/10/12

theblacksheeponline.com @blacksheepUTK

Making the Best out of

Butt-Chugging Infamy The Black Sheep Staff wrote this

By now, we’ve all heard of this phenomenon that’s made UTK infamous. We’ve all laughed at the irony that is Anderson Cooper reporting on something being stuck up a man’s butt while wondering how something like “butt-chugging” was even thought of. Seriously, who was the person to say, “Bros, I’ve got a great idea! Let’s take this rubber tube, put it in our anus, and pour alcohol into it!” If somebody suggested that to us, we’d I’d be like, “Hell naw, dude.

That is so loose butthole.”

We’re not pointing blame at anybody, because we know this, somehow, is not a new concept. However, it has brought a lot of publicity to campus. And we just can’t help but laugh (so as to not cry) at the stupidity of the human race. Seriously, what have we come to when we decide that funneling alcohol up our ass is okay?

If people really insist on doing things like butt-chugging (upon further research, we have found that people also apparently enjoy saturating tampons in alcohol and/or using eye-droppers of alcohol, because apparently they really enjoy the lovely stinging sensation and swallowing is so 2011), why don’t we use their stupidity for our entertainment?

For example, why not just host an SEC Butt-Chugging Olympics? Then we could truly prove once and for all that UTK is better than Florida or ‘Bama in at least one way. We obviously have some MVPs in this event. Hey, if you’re going to do it, you might as well win a title for it or something. Make it a little more honorable.

Rep your school.

Maybe these guys should get some credit. “Big Orange, Big Ideas,” right? They might have been just trying to think of out-of-the-box (get it?) ways to do what college students do best: get crunk. YOLO, amiright? (Imagine how many times that phrase would have been yelled during the enema incident if they didn’t have to clench a ruler between their teeth to withstand a pipe being shoved into their butt parts.)

We need to rise up from this humiliation in the best way possible. We are more than the butt of the joke here. We could try and say we all belong to a religion that doesn’t allow “drinking,” and taking it up the ass was a loophole… but it’s too late for that. The nation knows that we Vol harder than them, and they’re going to try to come up with racier ways to get drunk off your ass. Which is why we have to copyright and claim this now: DPBC - Double Penetration Butt-Chugging.

This could range from placing two tubes into any available holes of one human to get you drizunk, but we’re thinking two tubes in one behind should be the new trademark over Neylanding. That would be totally tight-butthole.

The DPBC Drinking Game: Every time you want to drink, you don’t. You NEVER drink. Every ounce has to be inserted into an alternative hole in the body.

You and your friends will become new walking, talking characters in a competition to see which breed lasts the longest before passing out, or upchucking out of that no-no hole we call a mouth.

Outwit. Outlast. Outplay. You may turn into...

Stevie Wonder: Consumption only through both eyes. Use Everclear to make it worth it. The amount of alcohol intake is minimal, but will be just enough to make you be able to feel it all over. Since the straight ethanol is burning your eyes, your blindness makes you superstitious. You grab and grope and knock shit over until you give in to your bro’s guidance. That’s what friends are for. This is the light-hearted character of choice for those waiting until marriage for anal.

Captain Jack: You are one step ahead of Stevie, having one eye free while the other is being soaked with Bacardi. Unless you’re already missing a leg, you should let the other hole be the anus to give you that badass pirate limp. You’ll be breaking bottles of rum on your friends, strolling around like you run this shit, as your shit runs down your leg. Choose this charac-

The Good, The Bad and The Homeless If Tennessee keeps on with its wild ways, the future isn’t looking so bright.

page 4

ter and you will undoubtedly be waving your wang around like a sword, attempting to commandeer the keg in search for more booty.

A Drunk Fish: Consumption only through both ears.

Note: it helps to tape cups around your ears to make you look like a sea creature and helps you hear the ocean’s call to keep going deeper and deeper. Speaking of deeper, let’s go all Inception: DPBC style Zombie Dog: YO DAWG! I heard you like being drunk, so we can make you drunk after you’re drunk to make you drunk while you’re drunk. This means consumption through all holes (excluding the mouth) in ten-minute intervals. This will bring put you on all

what’s inside

Oh, The Men That You’ll Meet!

fours, blind, deaf, and wandering around biting at things in hopes for some salvation from your agony and helplessness. Maybe you’ll bite a sore ass, maybe you’ll bite a table. Either way, Captain Jack’s eye will see you and know that you need more sedation, placing another vodka soaked tampon in one of your available holes.

Multiple characters await their creation. It’s up to you, Vols, to unleash all the possibilities that DPBC holds.

Who knows, maybe YOU can be in the SEC BC Olympics! Train up, hit the weights, and stock up on funnels (which should be routinely sterilized – no creepy diseases, y’all). DPBC your ass off, ladies and gents!

How to Survive Hell Week

Just let that stranger smell your hair, okay?

It’s the least wonderful time... of the year!

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page 7

contents page 5: from the streets

Questions? Comments? Compliments? Insults? info@theblacksheeponline.com

page 7

What’s the Best Way to Pregame?

page 7: the top 10

things to do with a freakin’ time machine.

page 10: peep sheep

Table of

We give you the lowdown on the grim underbelly of the college mascot world.

page 11: The Black Sheep Interviews - Zedd

This music maker talks parallels between Skrillex and Justin Bieber.

page 12: Bartender of the Week

Zane M. at Nori has a special drink just for you.

page 13: Guide to the Apocalypse: Cthulhu Edition

Who knew the Great Evil That Sleeps would be such a dick?

page 13

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Crane Hotly last week’s answers

Shakira & Chris Hemsworth

word of the week

Disshertation: Any longwinded, angry diatribe one woman makes towards another woman.

“Lisa’s disshertation on Theresa’s formal dress got her over 300,000 YouTube views and one lost Facebook friend.”

page 4

The Good, The Bad, and The Homeless

theblacksheeponline.com

Mary Moss wrote this Considering the multiple violations that have recently spawned from Frat Row, bro life as we know it at the houses may soon reach an ugly halt. An authoritative storm is coming… all of you fraternities better batten down the hatches, ‘cause when it hits you’re all going to wonder how you ever thought you could party so large. However, placing blame on Greek society simply isn’t fair. Most often, it is an alleged non-affiliated person involved whenever we have to decode the UT Alerts sent at 4 a.m. (that ravenous bear was a total GDI, repping from da Wood). Robberies, roaming children, and firearms at our dear Taco Hell are enough to embarrass the university, and now we get the negative attention of TV gods such as Anderson Cooper, Stephen Colbert, and Daniel Tosh for discovering a loophole to avoiding the assy taste of Franzia.

Partier. Pre-game per usual, don’t be an asshole in public, don’t serve shots of Everclear to the random 14-year-old (who invites these infants?), and all the while make sure your friends aren’t consuming more of anything once over-served. The good will be easy to spot, because even though they may be throwing up every particle in their stomach, they are doing so in a trashcan, toilet, or off a secluded balcony. These Good Guy Gregs know that throwing up on 17th street, throwing glass bottles at oncoming traffic, or pissing on the side of Walgreens are some red flags to be waved in front of the cops. Joining the good side is the transition step for becoming the functioning adult you aspire to be. Here at UT, we’re all about going hard in the paint, but while the heat is on we should remember to stay inside the lines.

At this rate, it’s going to be the whip-crack heard ‘round the world that will cause a revolution. All extreme partying will be forced to exist behind bolted doors - imagine prohibition-era shit. Campus is going to be extra-dry (unlike the butt-chugged cheap wine) and the Fort is the most convenient nearby shelter. The Fort will be divided into kingdoms much none diverse than Grand Forest side vs. East Commons side. The increasing intensity of the police patrolling the land will cause a schism unprecedented, polarizing each student into three separate groups: The Good, The Bad, and The Homeless. If we, as a student body, are to bear through this wave of excessive crackdowns by the UTPD, KPD, and University authorities, we must first decide where our allegiance lies within the three strongest groups.

The Good: Obviously the most logical choice - The Proactive

The Bad: There’s at least two in every friend group, and more likely than not we’ve all been The Destructive Drunk at least once or twice. Typically, The Destructive Drunk is born from a desire to have a damn good time, but if your main goal is to get slammed right off the bat, you’re probably going to be crying in the Cookout bathroom by midnight-thirty. As Ben Franklin once said about consuming alcohol, “the dance with the drink is a tango, not a bump and grind.” You give and take – you take a shot, it gives you a good time. You kill the whole bottle, and you may end up with legit legal charges. It takes a whole lot to cause a scene in McDonald’s at three in the morning; however, that won’t stop the villainous drunk from trying. Those Micky D’s rent-a-cops have seen a lot, but can’t turn a blind eye to brawlers, thieves, and the occasional nude that stumbles through the Golden Arches. If you’re enlisting in the dark side,

be prepared to drag everyone you hold near and dear with you into the eye of national scrutiny and imposed eternal sobriety.

The Homeless: Filled with both good and evil, the homeless are the wild cards to watch out for. To them, playing Edward Forty-hands is as easy as stealing aluminum cans from a baby.

While these urban rangers can impart life wisdom, it’s best to know that they can potentially leave you for the next kid that offers them a cigarette. Aside from learning the creepiest alleyways and how to get your next meal, there is no beneficial reason for joining the homeless in the stand of civil disobedience against the upcoming forces of severe security.

Keep your heads up, kids. This is still prime time to let the panties drop, so raise your solo cup for the American dream. They may take our lives on the weekends, but they’ll never take our freedom. Good guys win, bad guys lose, and as always the youth prevails.

From the Streets

[PartyPics]

Got a question you want us to ask?

FTS@theblacksheeponline.com

What’s the best way to pregame?

“Well I usually buttchug a Colt 45, I did it before it was cool” - Nathaniel J., Senior

“Shots of moonshine and funneling beer… in the mouth” - Sydney W., Junior

“Circle of Death” - Lacie R., Senior

send your party pics to pics@theblacksheeponline.com

(View and Send Pics from our iPhone & Android App! Search black sheep mobile)

page 6

Oh, the Men that You’ll Meet

theblacksheeponline.com

Katie Vaughn wrote this

IT’S FRIDAY! You’re in the mood to get down with the get down and dance your pants off with your girlfriends. You started taking group shots of Skol (sorry for being broke) around nine and by midnight you think you’re impervious to a bad time. However, choosing bars is difficult... how does one possibly decide! The problem is for the many of us on campus still under 21, the more lenient the requirements to get in a bar, the greater amount of creep you must therefore endure.

Being hit on is kind of like a woman’s first trip to the gynecologist - unexpected, uncomfortable, and someone is always trying to puncture your lady bits. These are a compilation of some possible events that exemplify our point. We have all experienced these failures at least once, and if you haven’t, you probably just don’t remember, which is actually preferable.

The Ass Grab Guy: They go for girls who aren’t even rockin’ a giant badonk, and somehow think they’ll get a good reaction. Perhaps their complete lack of gray matter is their justification for not having to say a word and while just walking away. If you, in theory, wanted a girl to be flattered enough to follow you home, why would you keep walking? We don’t know how other girls have handled this situation but we think it’s best when you call them out for it, because for some reason that’s never expected. And then you get achieve satisfaction from the embarrassed look on his poor, pathetic, ass-groping face.

The Come Up Behind Me to Dance Guy: Maybe it’s not entirely his fault for thinking this is ok; girls who are on the dance floor humping the railing pretty much have a sign that says “too available” stamped on their foreheads. However, when you are simply in a girl circle doing the womp like nobody’s business, it’s not ok. Think about it, a complete and total stranger comes behind you without your knowl-

edge and attempts to rub his junk all over your tush in hopes to strike your fancy. The most probable result is a horrible make-out sesh and herpes. So romantic. The next time one of these unwanted intruders tries to interrupt your groove, just push him away. Don’t even stop belting along to “Wagon Wheel” or whatever other cliché bar song is playing.

The Shouting Guy: Walking out or through the bar you are minding your own business, probably trying to find your dumb friends that left you for the 1,000th time. All of a sudden, out of nowhere, someone screams “YOU’RE HOT” in your left ear. You first jump, ‘cause that was scary. Secondly, you look at them and say....”thanks” and walk away. Does this sort of last minute, panicky way to go about it ever really work?

The Waist-Grab Guy: It’s a step up from the ass grabbing but it’s also completely ineffective. Perhaps they thought that it would be less degrading then the ass? But taking hold of the one part of a women’s body that she is most self conscious about will only result in her looking concerned and never eating again. Was that a “you should fix that” gesture? Or did they just want to see if it felt as big as it looked?

The Old As Shit Guy: This happens in 21-and-over bars rather than 18-and-over bars but it is still a well-documented incident. Older men are a sad story when they feel like they can hang with the youngins and mack on girls two times their junior. They come up to you and bring up something so random and irrelevant you can’t help but feel bad for them, which is quite an accomplishment. For example, a man wearing a raggedy sweatshirt with an unkempt beard will come up and say, “Do you like hockey?” No “Hey” or “Hello” or “Hey there pretty girl,” just: “Do you like hockey?” In this situation you just feel

sorry for him and want to take his drink away, send him home, and put him on Match.com where he belongs.

The Hillbilly Guy: Hillbillies on their own are like wild animals: you don’t know when they’re going to spit on you when you get too close.

Plus those teeth....oh those teeth. Women automatically take two steps to the left whenever hillbillies are released into the wild. Especially when these particular men, or creatures, have a dip in their mouth the size of Manhattan. If they try to make contact with you, simply reply with “Your jaw is going to fall off.” And hope they don’t have the nerve to ask you if you, for some reason, have the urge to kiss his disgusting, blackened, drooling mouth. Because obviously, you will want to marry that night and have lots of sex and deformed babies. Not. We’ve lost almost all hope for men and their abilities to woo women in social situations. However, one man’s failure is another woman’s epic story to tell her girlfriends and mock for the rest of the night, so party on.

The Top 10

Things to Do with a Time Machine We have not seen Looper yet, but we think that mob hits are an awful way to squander time traveling technology. Here’s what we’d do instead of provoke Bruce Willis:

How to Survive Hell Week Emily Hagenburger wrote this Everybody has those weeks where everything seems to happen at once. You have three tests and an essay due in the same five-day period, on top of that you have a group presentation, and the club you are president of has a meeting. You really don’t know how you’re going to handle it.

It’s these weeks that make you want to drop out of school altogether and do something that doesn’t require collegiate learning, like becoming a fire juggler or one of those guys in fancy hotels who just stands around opening doors.

But instead of crawling into a dark corner to rock back and forth in the fetal position, we challenge you to take it like a man! Wage war against your Hell Week and show it who’s boss! But it’s dangerous to go alone, so take these tips with you.

The traditional collegiate weapons against overwhelming amounts of tests and deadlines are caffeine, Adderall, and the jittery all-nighters that result when you combine the two. However, if you do this then your Hell Week will vanquish you.

So what weapons do you take into your battle against scheming professors, multiple-choice tests, and the terrible five-page essay? You don’t need a sword to defeat these foes, or ninja stars, or not even a Jedi lightsaber. All you need is to get plenty of rest, eat well, and stay away from the drugs, kids. And while you’re at it, throw a little fun in there too.

It may seem like you don’t have a minute to spare for such frivolities, but going out with your friends one night will ease your stress and keep you sane. Another helpful outing is taking a trip to Puppy Zone. Just holding one of those cute little balls of fur makes you feel one hundred times better. It’s like you transfer all of your stress onto that poor little puppy dog and you leave there feeling so calm. Other than the fact you’re freaking out because you really really really want to buy a puppy now, and you’re kind of squeezing the hell out of the one you’re holding.

Another thing is to get comfortable while you study. Whatever you are most comfortable in and wherever you are most comfortable at - do that. Except don’t just crawl into bed in your pajamas and go to sleep. But you can wear that Harry Potter-themed Snuggie you don’t want anybody to know you have and curl up on the couch to get your study on.

The important thing is to remember to take breaks every once in a while. Rome wasn’t built in a day, and neither will your knowledge of Ancient Roman History. Do something that you enjoy for a while, like go for a run, play some Super Smash Bros, or find out how you could sabotage your classmates’ grades and set the curve. Then you can get back to attacking your calculus notes. With your mind.

We know that going through a week like this will make you forget what it’s like to feel things like “rested” or “unstressed” or “happiness.” However, know that once you get through this, good times will come again. A good way to survive these weeks of scholarly torture is to think about fun you’ll have in the future. Just think, Friday, after this is all over, you can drink yourself into a coma and not have to worry about a thing! You know, besides that you drank yourself into a coma.

Overall, Hell Week can feel like it will never end, but it eventually does. And at the end of it you don’t want to feel like a half-dead zombie who’s spent the last ten years holed up in the library. If you really want to defeat the evil that is Hell Week, keep these tips in your arsenal and maybe you’ll come out of this battle alive.

10.) Kill Hitler: Paradoxes and alternate realities be damned - it’s a universally agreed-upon rule that if you gain the power to travel in time, you kill Hitler. Period. If he still somehow manages to ravage Europe, everyone will call you a dick when you get back to the present.

9.) Profit: There is no one among us who wouldn’t benefit from being disgustingly rich. Given the power to travel in time, we would get tomorrow’s lottery numbers and use the winnings to buy WWII bonds, which we would sell and buy Microsoft stock just before the boom.

8.) Freak Out Cavemen: Cavemen were stupid. How hilarious would it be to watch them run in fear from light bulbs, or hit cars with sticks? SO hilarious!

7.) Stop National Tragedies Before They Begin: We would punch Mrs. bin Laden in the ovaries, warn Pearl Harbor that shit’s about to go down, get Vernon Howell’s mom to get that kid in therapy and convince Snooki’s dad to pay for the abortion.

6.) Create Paradoxes: What would happen if we killed our great grandfathers before they had kids? Or handed an umbrella to the guy who was just about to invent the umbrella? Or stopped the unfair execution of a plucky young hippogriff? We don’t know, but we just bet it would be fun to find out!

5.) Dominate a Dinosaur: If you managed to tame and ride a triceratops like your own lizardy beast of war, you would basically win at life. You could name him Reggie Jackson and take him back to the future, where he would furiously defend his master and the President gives you his job because holy shit that guy tamed a goddamn dinosaur!

4.) Stop the World’s Most Notorious Villain: America still suffers today under the yoke of a totalitarian Russian government, put in place by the most infamous villain in history: John F Kennedy. With time travel, we would stop him before he has a chance to enslave all Americans and hand the keys to America over to Soviet President Brezhnev. Of course, we’d manage to pin it all on some mook from New Orleans, or something.

3.) Host Time Tours: The world has no shortage of Whovians, historians or creationists. Think of all the money you can make taking guided tour groups through the French Revolution! Think about having exclusive biography rights to the Bard! Think of how much fun it would be taking a fundamental Christian through the steps of evolution!

2.) Party Hard: Our country’s fun uncle, Ben Franklin, was known for being awesome. Imagine if you got him, Louis XIV, Roman emperor Nero, a couple Vikings, some Russians and Andrew Jackson at the same awesome party. Now imagine you got Smirnoff to sponsor said awesome party. Now go take a cold shower.

1.) Forrest Gump Photobombs: Old timey portraiture famously features modern celebrity lookalikes, like Anne Hathaway and Nicolas Cage. Noobs, we say. If we had the power to be anywhere in time, we would troll so hard. You would see us giving bunny ears to General Robert E. Lee and giving our best duck face behind Teddy Roosevelt. We would photobomb the holy hell out of war conferences and music festivals, and we’d even sneak into posed portraits of constitutional delegates. Then we’d sneak into the future and relish in the religions that will have been built around us.

black sheep staff wrote this

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Super Spectacular Sparty OUT and About!!

Mountaineer Back on the Flame Train???

top stories The Hottest Stories Right Now! Fuzzy photos LEAKED of CHIEF ILLINIWEK at underground poker table!

VCU’s Rodney the Ram denies accusations of horniness - Buster Bronco says he’s considering CHARGES!!!

SHOCKING!! So, Sparty the Spartan was seen sportin’ his skirt outside the stadium! A source close to us says he just “feels right” wearing the skirt, and might soon take on more feminine attire. OMGZ! Maybe after getting rooted by the Irish, Sparty is getting in touch with his boy-loving Greek roots!!

Seeing him swing around night clubs in East Lansing in his skirt AND emerging stories of several student athletes seeing Sparty carry his pride into the locker room, might lead us to one FAB conclusion: gay! gay! gay!!!

Sparty has long been seen with a perm frown on his face, BUT we’re hoping this revelation might leave him with a glamz smile! Go Sparty! We’re all on your team!!

Dead Doggies’ Dark Doo-Doo Demises

Wait till you hear who’s at it again! Last week the paps caught The Mountaineer deep in the woods of West Virginia burning a couch! Fresh out of pyromaniac rehab, The Mountaineer couldn’t live without getting his fix, and was reportedly “found rolling around in the mud, in a catatonic state… pupils dilated while muttering ‘longhorn’ under his breath.”

Apparently The Mountaineer couldn’t take the pressure of another big game, and needed fire to relieve himself.

We don’t want to cast judgment on The Mountaineer, but several other mascots have lent their support. The forever shiz-faced Iowa State University Cyclone tweeted “@Mountaineer yo iz kool wut u did bro, liv by ur one rolzze!!1 #livurLyf.” LOL looks like Cyclone has had one too many hurricanes!

Redbird Cy, Oh My!

Cavalier attitude nets night in jail for UVa mascot.

Goldy Gopher, 3, Found dead in auoterotic asphyxiation mishap. PHOTOS INSIDE!!

After sex change USC’s Cocky legally changes name to Pussy. MUST SEE BEFORE/AFTER SHOTS! Two years later, Rebel Black Bear admits mascot change “A trap” in interview with ET. What was the Clemson Tiger doing outside the Trophy Lust Club at 4a.m.??

The pap catches Syracuse Orange shopping in baby store!! Is s/he pregnant! EXCLUSIVE PICS!

Do all doggies go to heaven? Let’s hope so! Seems as though the party went a little TOO hard in Athens two weeks ago, especially after the Bulldogs beat the Volunteers by 7.

Seems as though The Parent Trap really is about some redheads, after all!!!

We’re here to reveal a Peep Sheep EXCLUSIVE! An intense investigate has finally proven that ISU’s Cy the Cardinal and ISU’s Reggie Redbird are one in the SAME!

Early reports out of the coroner’s office suggest both suffered from chocolate sickness after bonging Hershey’s chocolate syrup into their little hound heinies! According to the Athens Animal Hospital Uga IX and Smokey IX were admitted to the emergency room at approximately 2:14a.m. with sever fevers. By 5:00a.m. both were pronounced dead.

Turns out, Cy (Real name: Crandall Berkowitz III) been the head worm-catcher of TWO nests!!! During the winter months leaves his hen and two chicks to fly south for the winter to Bloomington/Normal, IL to live in the lap of luxury with his other family, the Redbirds under the assumed name, “Reggie.”

Hey, college football studyboyz like Uga IX and Smokey IX are notorious for partying with fine bitchez, so don’t act like we didn’t see this coming. They will be thrown in a local incinerator on Monday, October 8th.

When questioned on the matter, Berkowitz III’s lawyer, Hyper-Chicken, declined comment. Turns out, birds of a feather DON’T flock together. They’re the same bird!!!!!!

Notre Dame Fightin’ Irish swears all boys-club was a “fight club.” What do you think!?

USC Trojan can’t seem to get excited with NCAA sanctions.

Say’s [the sanctions] are “too tight.”

Puddles, the Oregon Duck, is splitz-ville the Horned Frog - did religion get in the way AGAIN!?!

the interview

zedd

If you haven’t heard the name Zedd, you have definitely heard his work. At twenty-three, having work with an ambit of major artists – from Baby Biebs to Skrillex – Zedd has produced several chart-topping beats. Stepping into the spotlight with a full-length album, Clarity, Zedd is an artist worth picking up on (and following on Twitter @Zedd). By Quinn The Black Sheep: You’ve produced and toured with some pretty major artists - do you prefer being behind the scenes producing beats, or working on your own?

Zedd: It really depends. I obviously love doing my own music because I don’t have to please anyone with my music. With all my love and respect to my whole team - at the end of the day the only thing that matters to me is that I truly love something I did. If I do work for other people, especially major artists, there are so many people you have to make happy - compromises have to be made which I don’t like.

At the same time I can try new things out if I work for other people that I would probably not have done for myself.

TBS: You released Clarity to iTunes on October 2nd (October 9th everywhere). After a long list of singles and remixes, what made you transition to a full-length album?

Zedd: You know, I really like releasing singles because you can put something out right after you finish it, and it’s still fresh and hot. Making a full-length album is very difficult, especially for us DJs who tour 24/7.

Making an album is a huge commitment, but it also gives you the chance of expressing yourself in a way that is more detailed than you could ever do it with singles. If you put out a single all the attention is on one track. With an album you can very well show a wider range of yourself, make songs that would probably not be a good single, but a great album track, and fulfill a certain roll in an album - just like the tension is not constantly high in a movie, there’s ups and downs. I’m not talking about fillers; in fact I believe my album doesn’t have any fillers, but tracks can definitely tell a story in a context of an album that singles can’t.

TBS: Any track you are particularly excited for on Clarity, or are they all equally awesome?

Zedd: It’s very close to impossible to pick my favorite song. “Hourglass” is one of my favorite songs I’ve ever written in my whole life and... yeah ... it’s really just the whole album that I’m mostly excited about, more than particular tracks.

TBS: How do you describe Clarity in comparison to your past work?

Zedd: Well, I think to a certain degree it’s probably a little bit more adult and experienced. Where the focus sometimes has been on making a big club-hit before, the focus on this album is to make music that is so timeless you can listen to it in 30 years and still be proud of the musicality in it.

TBS: How do you build songs? Like, how did you come up with mixing Skrillex and The Doors for “Breakin’ a Sweat?”

Zedd: Usually I’ll just play around on a keyboard or piano till I come up with the melodic / harmonic part; mostly the chorus or the hook. Then I make the parts around it. With my “Breakn’ A Sweat” remix Skrillex asked me to do a remix so that was a no-brainer for me.

TBS: When you play live shows, do you feed off the crowd or do you come in with a strict setlist?

Zedd: It’s a good mix of both. I prepare for shows depending on where I play and what type of crowd is expected. But a lot of the times the crowd will be completely different from what you expect, and in that case I switch up things. I have certain routines but there’s never a strict setlist.

TBS: Your parents are musicians, and you started studying classic piano at a young age - how has that influenced you? And how much do your parents love your music?

Zedd: It influenced me very much because I’ve learned about music theory, and learned to play several instruments – that’s stuff I can use to make music that’s a little different from a lot of other producers.

This doesn’t mean they’re better or worse; it’s just different and I like being different. My parents actually like the music! They’ve never listened to electronic music before but they like the “musical” part of my music more than the sound-design aspect.

TBS: Of those major artists you’ve worked with, are there any weird similarities you find between them? Like, do Skrillex and Baby Biebs have anything in common that the layman wouldn’t know?

Zedd: [Laughs] Well, the biggest similarities are that they all share the same passion: music! Skrillex and Bieber, I’d say, have fairly different personalities but they’re both very passionate about what they do in their own ways.

TBS: Your Twitter is pretty hilarious - is that all you?

Zedd: [Laughs] Thank you! It is all me - and probably sometimes a little bit too much of “me” but I enjoy not thinking too much about what I say there.

TBS: Also on Twitter, your about me is “Shave it up,” what’s that about?

Zedd: Illuminati man... It’s all Illuminati!

TBS: What’s one thing you can’t tour without?

Zedd: I can’t tour without shows! I really can’t!

the big three

entertainment-y things we’re all excited about.

Jersey Shore Season 6 Premiere Thursday, Oct. 4 at 10pm on MTV The final season of the cultural phenomenon made up of meatballs and meatheads is coming to a tearful end, the kind that only comes after six shots of vodka annd a drunk dial to mother. The dynamic of the house is different this time, however, with Nicole being 6 months pregnant. How will sober Snooki do in a house full of alcoholic maniacs? We can’t wait to see.

v/h/s In Theaters Oct. 5

This film, comprised of five short films, revolves around a woven narrative of a group of guys who break into a creepy house in search of one particular VHS. They then watch five, each of which is more messed up then the one before, and all terrifying as hell.

V/H/S was available on iTunes weeks ago, so take it from us that this is one of the scariest movies you’ll see...except for those movies inside the movies.

mellowhype - numbers out oct. 9 Odd Future members Hodgy Beats and Left Brain team up to form the Los Angeles hip-hop duo MellowHype. With two studio albums already under their belt, not to mention plenty of features on Odd Future and Tyler, the Creator albums, and even a song on the Madden NFL 12 video game, these wacky dudes are certainly on their way to certified success.

page 12

theblacksheeponline.com

bartender of the week Zane M. Nori Favorite drunk munchie food? The Spicy Combo Roll from Noni.

What’s the best tailgate beer? Bud Light in the orange cans

Favorite show? The Walking Dead

What’s the best pre-drinking meal? Pizza

What’s the best hangover cure? Pho

Best part of bartending? I get to talk to all kinds of different people

What’s the weirdest place you’ve ever slept? Underneath my trunk in Knoxville Center Mall Parking lot.

If you could be any superhero, who would it be? Ironman Favorite video game? The Mass Effect series Favorite book? Tuesdays with Morrie What’s your favorite drinking game? Flip cup

the drinking game

chestbump This game may sound like it’s only made for frat bros, but if you’re a girl who can hold your own when it comes to beer, then feel free to join on in. This game will involve more stinky burps than a roadside truck stop.

What You’ll Need: Cups, four ping pong balls, and beer.

Number of Players: Four if you want to go hard, more if you actually want to remember your night.

Level of Intoxication: You’ll be buying shots for the undercover cops at the bars later on.

How to Play: - Have everyone pick a partner and sit across from them around the table.

- Every player grabs one beer and divides it up between three cups arranged into a triangle in front of them. If you’re feeling competitive up the ante and play will full cups.

- On “Go,” everyone bounces a ping pong ball across the table to their partner. The receiver has to bounce it off his or her chest and get it into one of the cups in front of them.

- If your partner succeeds, he or she slides one of the beer cups over to the opponent on the right of them, who now has to chug its contents before continuing bouncing.

- After a team has finished all of their cups, one last full beer is placed directly in the middle of the table. The team must double bounce the ball into the cup to win.

The Game Ends When: The last beer has been finished and someone spews into the cups in front of them. Drink up, brah!

download our app for all of our drinking games!

Dream job? To own my own bar.

Worst night to bartend? Christmas Day Best sport to watch? Baseball or football Favorite pick-up line? “Cum here often?”

Favorite liquor to shoot? Patron Signature Drink? Two night stand with Zane - Southern Comfort, Captain Morgan, Redbull and Coke

the black sheep mobile | for iphone & android

page 13

The Black Sheep Guide to the Apocalypse: Cthulhu Edition staff wrote this end the world. When he awakens, he’s going to be pissed that he’s been breathing in our refuse from his sunken city of R’lyeh. We could, of course, clean up the ocean, switch to more sustainable energy sources than oil and protect the fragile ocean ecosystem. But that sounds hard and boring. Your best bet is to make a super convincing Lovecraft-inspired demon costume, and try to sneak onto whatever spaceship they’ll use to leave earth when they’ve finished enslaving all of humanity.

As a child you became aware of the horrible pollution of the earth. For a month, you wouldn’t shut up about the Great Pacific Garbage patch.

“How could humans let a 270,000 mile patch of trash in the ocean exist?” you wondered annoyingly. You vowed to go green and clean up the world for your own children.

Then SpongeBob came back on and you forgot all about pollution. If a sponge can live in a pineapple at the bottom of the ocean, then so be it.

But do you know who didn’t forget about pollution? The Old Ones.

They slumber in the depths of the ocean, a deathlike coma blinding them to the movements of mortals. Until now, the world has nervously ignored the existence of the Old Gods, like a shadow in the corner of our collective mind. But as the world warms, as humanity fights one another for dwindling bacon resources, as we come to the final months of our world’s life, they stir.

They stir.

PREPARATION: When Cthulhu and the other Ancient Ones wake up, the last place you’re going to want to be is here on earth. The Old Ones are from, according to the prophet Lovecraft, space. They have as much regard for life on earth as we do for bedbugs, and when Cthulhu wakes up, we are in for an acid wash. Is that excessive?

Yes, of course. The Ancient Ones are bad about doing laundry. But damn if it’s not the most effective way to kill bedbugs on the planet.

If you crapped your pants in fear at that, you have just scratched the surface of how deep the shit we’ll really be in if we allow Cthulhu to

THE BATTLE: If the apocalypse manages to catch you with your pants down (it shouldn’t - Christ, people have been warning you for years) and you find yourself without a suitable disguise, you will find yourself in a very tense situation. You cannot stop Cthulhu, and if the armies being massacred outside your window are any indication, no man can stand against the might of the most ancient of evils. In fact, there is no way for a simple human to defeat the Great Old Ones. That is why you have to download the Necronomicon onto your Kindle and summon other, darker Gods to fight the Great Old Ones (you can try the Elder Gods if you’re a pussy, but the benign Elder Gods are to the Cthulhu Mythos what 50 Shades of Grey is to Twilight.) Be warned: the Gods the Lovecraft saw treat humanity with either disdain or apathy. If you plan to convince Yog-Sothoth to even consider looking in this galaxy’s direction, you better have a hell of a human sacrifice planned and manage to teach the knowledge-craving God what “compassion” and “mercy” are.

THE AFTERMATH: The world will be ravished, perhaps even devoured

by Ubbo-Sathla, in the end. But let’s assume for the moment that, due to an insane amount of luck and the sexiest ass the Outer Gods have

Y A D N U F Y A D SUN

ever seen, they heard your pleas and postpone the obliteration of our planet for a thousand more years. Where does that leave you? Well, depending on how much you’ve practiced your puppy dog face, you’ll either be enslaved for eternity or repurposed as a food source for the Gods. And rest assured, your last moments will be spent in reeling, ceaseless madness from which no mind can escape - it is the fate of all who behold the Gods.

Because science hasn’t delved too much into the effects endless existential horror have on the mind, we don’t know if insanity will dull or enhance the unimaginable pain Azathoth will inflict upon your inconsequential body, but we have to assume that it will be comparable to living in the center of our sun, unable to die in the hellish fires as the pressure crushes your every bone into dust. So recycle that damn Coke bottle, fucktard, before you doom us all!

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mad swag

Would you consider yourself a trill OG? Are you down with that flow, yo? Are you reading this thinking, “Whoever wrote this is painfully white.”? Well, la-tee-dah. More importantly, can you decipher our Mad Swag? Below are several mondegreens -words replacing similarsounding words - of well-known rap lyrics.

Can you figure out what these artists are sayin’? email us the title of the song the lyric is from to madgab@theblacksheeponline.com and if you get them all right, you’ll win a prize!

Lives ab i tch hand ten nude eye

Soup her intend dose egg a ninja sis

Hi loafed win ewe calming beak pop huh

So far ash soak lean

Rapper: Nas

Rapper: Notorious B.I.G.

Rapper: Notorious B.I.G.

Rapper: Outkast

Hue mice hunch tine

Hi got nigh tee nigh bro blooms

La booty bro Emma moth kin pawn star

Yellow bee distiller orgy

Rapper: Lupe Fiasco

Rapper: Jay-Z

Rapper: Kanye West

Rapper: Dr. Dre

Smock we derriere

Adjust dope lava truck

Icee herb toy French ate in lick an idiot

Doughnut even a views my ache

Rapper: Snoop Dogg

Rapper: Eminem

Rapper: Lil’ Wayne

Rapper: Ice Cube

the classtime

90’s music stars

Across

4) Sugar, salt, garlic, pepper, oregano 6) Don’t go burning ex-boyfriend’s houses down.

7) He’s a loser, baby.

9) Blue Ivy’s god mother’s.

11) Just like rain on your wedding day.

14) Wake me up when this crossword ends.

16) Mmm, they’re all married with kids now.

18) Not Tyler Perry’s.

20) Titanic pipes.

upstairs.

10) Recently toured with the original 80s boy band.

12) Somehow still competes with women half her age.

13) Holds the longest-running #1 song in U.S. history.

15) With certainty.

17) Ladies loved this ripped rapper.

19) 14 minutes and 59 seconds of fame.

Down

1) Bye, bye, bye to all but one, really.

2) Definition of 90s grunge, and plaid.

3) Rocked the bald look very well.

5) The OG white rapper, after Vanilla Ice of course.

8) Now she’s dancing with somebody

Answers

Six degrees of separation

Think you know how Blake Lively and Alex Baldwin are connected?

Send us your answer at classtime@theblacksheeponline.com for your chance to win a pretty awesome prize!

1 2 3 4 5

Meet The Staff campus manager Austin Owen Editorial manager Emily Hagenburger Advertising Managers Jessica Hill, Tanner Jenkins

Find Us At...

campus director Quinn Myers owner Atish Doshi

photographer We’re Hiring!

Founders Jessica Hill, Tanner Jenkins, Austin Owen, Atish Doshi, Brendan Bonham, Heather Jo Erickson, Jimmy DeBlasio, Jessica Sommers, Quinn Myers, Evan Stone

Cartoonist Can You Draw?

Questions? info@theblacksheeponline.com

distribution manager Jacob Keiser

Advertising? ads@theblacksheeponline.com

Social media manager Nathan Horn

Hate Us? lame@theblacksheeponline.com

Writers Jessica Crowder

Alter Ego Tattoo Gus’ Good Time Deli Stefano’s Pizza Quarry Trail Dunford Morrill Hall Barbarito’s Half Barrel Sunspot Hodges Library Claxton Education McCord Hall Barley’s Taproom Hannah’s (Cumberland) The Well Haslam Business Building Building Gibbs Hall Bearden Beer Market Hannah’s (Old City) Tin Roof University Center Communications & Morgan Hall Boyd’s Jig & Reel HIghland Terrace University Liquors Clement Hall University Extension Tickle Small Animal Cafe 4 Knox Bonding Company Urban Bar Strong Hall McClung Museum Hospital Calhoun’s Marble City Brewing Woodlands Senter Hall HSS Apartment Residence The Casual Pint Company Woodruff’s/Downtown Hoskins Library Thompson-Bowling Cafe Hall Central Flats & Taps Moe’s Grill & Brewery South College Student Health Center All Greek Houses Chipotle NV Sushi Woodmeade South Ayres Hall Art & Architecture Street Teams Cook- Out Nyro’s Gyro’s Bridgecourt Apts Science and Engineering Hess Hall MORE! Cool Beans Preservation Pub Gateway Apts Building Melrose Hall Copper Cellar Roaming Gnome Prime campus housing Alumni Memorial Presidential Court Crown & Goose Saint Tattoo The Grove Building Humes Hall Crowne Plaza Soccer Taco The Commons Neyland Biology Annex Carrick Hall Cumberland Glassworks Southbound The Retreat Henson Hall Reese Hall Ebi Sushi Squire’s University Heights Greve Hall Shellburn Towers

Disclaimer

The Black Sheep in no way promotes, encourages or supports binge drinking, and/or under-age drinking. This newspaper is designed for entertainment purposes only and does not recommend attempting anything printed in this publication. Please drink...responsibly and legally.

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RESERVE NOW! SunSpot Wine Dinner October 16th, 2012, 6:30 PM $40 per person Five Great Food Courses, Five Awesome Wines!

First Course, Paired With Allan Scott Sauvignon Blanc Cracker fried oysters,black-eyed pea cake, habanero sabayon, cilantro oil Second Course, Paired With St. Kilda Chardonnay Jerked swordfish, pawpaw slaw, roasted beet salad, tarragon vinaigrette Third Course, Paired With Chateau De Brandeau Bordeaux Cumin spiced chicken thigh, plaintain foie gras mofongo, mango-jalape単o mojo, annatto rice Fourth Course, Paired With Chateau De Saint Cosme Cotes Du Rhone Duck Wellington, garlicky greens, prunes, pistachio, sweet potato puree, cranberry jus Fifth Course, Paired With Domaine De La Rossignole Sancerre Goat cheese and mascarpone tart with sugared phyllo, cilantro syrup, passion fruit glaze

Call for reservations, (865) 637-4663 http://www.sunspotrestaurant.com/