The Black Sheep UT SENIOR BUCKET LIST
und FR erw EE! L ear ike you that fou bag nd in t of use he d d um pst er.. .
The College Newspaper That's Actually About College
Volume 6
Issue 6
Cory Chitwood wrote this
For those of us who are seniors, graduation is fast approaching. It’s been a fun 4, 5 – or maybe even 6 years. The real world is looming – it’s a place where you can’t get drunk on a Thursday at a bar where your shoes stick to the floor. Well, very often, at least. Even if you’re not graduating this year, it’s never too early to start the UT Student Bucket List. Drive a car on Pedestrian Walkway: Do it at night if you’re a pussy and don’t want to get in trouble. You’d be part of an elite group of UT students no one would ever forget. “Hey, remember that guy who almost committed mass murder on Pedestrian Walkway? Yeah, what a badass he was.” Smoke “tobacco” on top of the University Center: Yes, this is possible. There’s a way to get up there, but we don’t wanna ruin the fun by putting it in print. Sneak up there one night and enjoy the club level of the UC. Toke up that sweet, dank tobacco, and enjoy the view. Light fireworks with the Torchbearer: Think UT needs a little color? Work your way outside of Knox County and go buy some. Go all-in and get the big ones. While you’re lighting up Circle Park with what sounds like gunshots, UTPD will rush to the Torchbearer, leaving the Fort open for crazy parties. So get those roman candles and let’s work on Block Party 2.0. Pop champagne with Butch Jones: Top button buttoned, fivestar players, and orange on orange. The fearless leader does what he wants when he wants – which is why you should try your best to be around him. It’s a long shot, but if you get to be in his presence, make the most of it. Have champagne ready at all times so you can spray it on some shithead in crimson (or orange and blue) while the rest of the SEC bows down.
Given all the crazy shit that happens at this school, it’s reasonable to assume that you could pull this off. Trust us, there’s nothing sweeter than that post-11:10-12:25 class hook-up.
lame like, “Will you marry me?” or “Happy birthday!” Streak through Hodges Library: In the past few years, there have been flash raves at the library. A few weeks ago, someone posted a video on the UTK subreddit of a student riding a bike through there. These are cool, but kinda soft. Get in your birthday suit and walk casually through the stacks. You can do it alone, or even better, do it in a group. Drop those drawers and traipse past the front desk and into UT campus history.
Try to seal the deal in class: Who says you have to be at a party to get laid? Grow some balls, sit beside that hottie and do your thing.
Paint the Rock: Considering the Rock is painted about 3 times a day, this doesn’t seem like a big deal. But it can be if you paint something cool on there. How about “(someone you hate) cries after sex!” Or, the personal cell phone number of a UTPD officer? Really, whatever you wanna do, but it better not be something
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PAGES 10-11
TOP 10: THINGS TO DO AT UT WHEN IT’S WARM
WHY YOU DON’T NEED THE APPLE WATCH
THE 9 GREATEST COMEBACKS IN THE HISTORY OF EARTH
FROM WET T-SHIRT CONTESTS TO BASEBALL GAMES, THERE’S A LOT TO DO.
ONE WATCH OR 100 BOXES OF GIRL SCOUT COOKIES? YOU DECIDE.
WITH MARCH MADNESS IN FULL SWING AND EASTER AROUND THE CORNER, LET’S TALK ABOUT COMEBACKS!
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MARCH 25TH, 2015 - APRIL 8TH, 2015
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Welcome to Page Three! You are about to have more fun than a freshman at a frat party. Tweet us your answers, or send them to page3@theblacksheeponline.com. If you’re right, you’ll win a prize!
PAGE THREE THE BLACK SHEEP’S LEGENDARY
WORD OF THE WEEK
80s CARTOON CHARACTER PORN STAR NAME?
INSEXTURED SERVANT A person who, after screwing up a relationship, is kept around for sex to make up for it.
JAMES KICKSTAND
After cheating on me with that slut Kara, I made him my insextured servant. He owes me so many orgasms he’ll never get out of it.
CAN YOU GUESS THE CELEBRITY BACK?
THE BATHROOM GRAFFITI CUTOUT Know of a bathroom stall that needs some pizazz? Cut this out, stick in a bathroom stall, snap a pic and #Sheepffiti and we’ll send you a prize!
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“American Things” Are We Sure These Things Should Be Things? Staff wrote this
What are American Things? If you asked any regular American Joe the Plumber, he might answer you with things like bald eagles, freedom, and George Washington. However, there is another brand of American Things that we, as True Blue Americans, are all aware of, yet might not be entirely sure of. These are the Things that make us think, “What is this? Why is this? How is this?” These are the commonplace American Things that don’t make a lot of sense, yet somehow feel indescribably right. Using American-made “Let Freedom Ring” scented Yankee Candles as a unit of measurement; we will rank some of these American Things on their degree of “why is this?” Decorative Soap: This is certainly a Thing that makes little to no sense. It finds the very reason that soap was created and then takes it away. Is there a practical use for this object? Is it merely for looking at with silent appreciation? Many Americans have found themselves in an unfamiliar bathroom, anxiously questioning whether or not they are allowed to touch this soap. We can only assume that the advent of this soap came about as part of a campaign to promote germs and disease. Score: Frozen Yogurt: Is there a reason that this isn’t ice cream? Frozen yogurt provides yet another talking point for mothers who don’t allow their children to eat out of plastic containers. This Thing pretends that it’s innovative through its use of extensive toppings, as if ice cream cannot also handle bits of old fruit and tiny M&Ms. Frozen yogurt finds itself on par with products that capitalize on pretending to be healthy such as Diet Coke and quinoa. The existence of frozen yogurt provides evidence towards the enduring strength of capitalism in America. Score: Impenetrable Glass Containers of Tri-Color Pasta: It is unclear whether this confusing Thing is for decoration or impractical food storage. The intentionally transparent
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container, along with its unbreakable seal, suggests that this pasta is never fated to be eaten. Studies show that America spends an amount of money every year to provide food and relief to countries that are suffering from food shortages. This pasta doesn’t seem to care. Score: Febreze: Febreze makes places smell good. TV shows us that these places include sinister basements, subway stations populated by neglected dogs, and a teenage boy’s bedroom. However, there is a lesser known yet more effective alternative that threatens the very existence of Febreze, and that is actual cleaning. Why is it preferable to thinly mask an odor that clearly indicates that something is unsanitary, rather than to address the problem directly? Isn’t confrontation the American way? Has this product taken away from the traditional value of American aggression? This Thing also has several scents revolving around a citrus theme, which is just gross. Nobody wants their already unsanitary home to smell like an orange. Score: The Magic Bullet Smoothie Maker: This object might seem like it makes a lot of sense. Further consideration about why the Magic Bullet exists will leave one questioning why they themselves exist. This object takes foods and turns them into one collective liquid. Why? What is wrong with eating these foods by themselves as solids, as God intended them to be eaten? The foods are just as healthy when they’re solids. Eating foods one at a time instead of in one garbled heap has never presented a problem in the eons that humans have been eating things on this Earth. The true purpose of the Magic Bullet is to make already-icky healthy foods even ickier. Score:
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Students Combat Post-Spring Break Blues Taylor Croteau wrote this
Students are finding themselves stuck in a tragic limbo between spring break sangrias and summer Smirnoffs. Stifled into sobriety, somber students make their way to the Art and Architecture Building that many confuse with sorely-needed AA meetings. Inside the building, The Black Sheep questioned one student on his survival tactics for the next few weeks. The Black Sheep: So, you’re graduating soon. You must be pretty checked out. How do you plan on making it through the rest of the semester? Visibly Hungover Upperclassman: I guess I should just ride it out. Maybe if I keep drinking for the next few weeks, I can just coast outta here. They say Cs get degrees, maybe Ds can too. TBS: What do you think about the proposed AA meetings on campus? VHU: Wait, wait, wait, isn’t that where I am? He looks around confusedly toward Einstein’s. VHU: Doesn’t Einstein’s cater these things? Coffee and bagels? Do they move these trees around, or what? When we tell him that he’s in the Art and Architecture Building he seems even more dazed than before.
TBS: Why would you think this was an AA meeting if no one is even sitting in a circle? There is literally nothing here that should have made you think that. VHU: Well, there’s a bunch of art. I assumed that was supposed to make us rethink our life choices or something. Plus, everyone here is wasted. A quick glance around the lobby confirms this. Every student is hunched over, staring blankly into laptop screens with an occasional bitter chuckle. TBS: Do you have any regrets? VHU: What do you mean? Like… from spring break or in life? The question causes him to stare off at nothing, spiraling deeper into an existential crisis. His eyes become black pools of sadness and despair. TBS: Do you regret your spring break decisions? VHU: I regret nothing and everything at the same time.
TBS: Do you plan on sobering up before finals? VHU: What’s the point now? Of this? Of anything?
Throwing his textbook to the ground and slouching back into his chair, the upperclassman fell into a fit of coughing for a good five minutes, having chain-smoked during his weeklong spring break inebriation. Students looked on with pity and concern. Most nodded in solidarity. Memories of boozy brunches and drug-induced sexual
The senior retrieved his tear-soaked textbook and resumed studying, but not without spreading his contagious existentialism. What is the point, if all we have to look forward to is a few vomit-soaked nights and regrettable one night stands with students in the cesspool of the South? Why even try?
. R E T I WR
rs al write n i g i r o and lented a t day at r o t o f y g l p n i p .A ook lication We’re l b u p r for ou
m o c . e n i l on p e e h s k c a l b e h t Print • Mobile • Online
TBS: What about in life? Surely you can’t regret every decision. VHU: My whole life is spring break, now. It’s all-consuming, there’s just no breaking out. It was fun for a week, but now I’m expected to actually contribute something to society. What do I have to contribute? It’s just wrong, man.
TBS: Can you elaborate?
, hought t d n a n eep s*!t.” the lack Sh s i B h e t h n T ha ad better t ever re g e n i ’v h u t o e If y om write s d l u o c “Man, I
A E M BECO
encounters with Alabama students clearly rattled the student.
THE TOP TEN
Things to Do at UT When It’s Warm Winter’s finally over and our collective seasonal depression has been lifted. Campus is buzzing, but it’s still easy to get bored. The Black Sheep is here to tell you how to have fun around Knoxville when the temps start rising. 10.) Flip people in ENOs over: People are starting to string up their “ENOs” (let’s be real – they’re just expensive hammocks) and snooze outside of HSS. They’re not really bothering anybody, but that doesn’t change the fact that it’d be funny as hell to swing someone upside down in one of those things. We wouldn’t worry about the repercussions, anyone in an ENO won’t be able to catch up to you. 9.) Wet t-shirt contest in the fountain at Humanities Plaza: Fraternities with spring philanthropies, we’re looking at you. Who says you have to be at the beach to watch girls make poor decisions? Why not do it right here in our backyard?
8.) Lie on your summer internship applications: They’ll never know the difference. Tell them you rescued children from a village in Nigeria. You were TIME magazine’s Person of the Year. Why yes, you did write the “I Have a Dream” speech. Buy a second cell phone and put a reference down for that number who is a “CEO” and answer in a British accent or some shit. Get creative. 7.) Drink outside (optimally, beside a pool): Any time the temperature goes above 75, you should be next to some water with some people of the opposite sex and booze. Moonshine if you’re a badass. And of course, Burnett’s if you’re a lady. 6.) Exercise heavily to cleanse your body for that summer job drug test: Unless you wanna spend the summer handing bags through a window to people in cars, you gotta get that THC (yeah, that’s the only thing) out of your body. You could always tape a bag of pee to your chest… but we’re not going to tell you how to get the pee. 5.) Step on the feet of people wearing Chacos: No one wants to see your feet all day. And don’t give us the lecture about how comfortable they are. You’re wearing the same shoe that people wore 2,000 years ago, except you paid for it as if it were ground-breaking technology. 4.) Go to a Tennessee baseball game against an SEC opponent: Can’t wait ‘til football season to start a fight with an Alabama fan? Go watch some baseball. Believe us, it may be a different sport but they’re no less obnoxious – even when they lose. Plus you can bring a bat! Swing away. 3.) Go to the Bluff: Yes, that place that has an incredible overlook of Knoxville that everyone has to Instagram every time they go. You can pretty much do whatever you want up there. There’s zero risk of cops and therefore zero rules. Which is why you should watch where you step so as to avoid those used needles and makeshift tourniquets. 2.) Study: Just kidding. Screw that. Let’s be real, it’s the end of the year. You’ve probably done enough work and been to enough classes to go ahead and call it. You’ll be fine… but don’t blame us if you’re not. 1.) The Orange and White game: It’s the day after classes end. Which means that this will pretty much be a gameday. Which means that there will be alcohol, sundresses, and anarchy. Soak it in, Vols. Soak it in.
Cory Chitwood wrote this
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ON THE STREETS WHAT ASPECT OF THE OPPOSITE SEX ARE YOU LEAST JEALOUS OF, AND WHY?
SARAH
“Male puberty, it’s embarrassing and awkward.”
KIM
“Their guilt for perpetuating the patriarchy, I couldn’t live with that.”
HAYDEN
“Their emotions, I don’t have time for that shit.”
07
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Why You Don’t Need The Apple Watch Staff wrote this
On April 10, you’ll be able to waste your money by pre-ordering Apple’s newest abomination, the Apple Watch. Here’s why you shouldn’t do it:
Facebooking your mixtape on Rapchat. Face it, with an Apple Watch, you’ll never pay attention to anything in the outside world ever again.
You’re Not Athletic Enough To Wear A Watch Called The “Sport”: The watch comes in three models: the Apple Watch Sport at $349, the normal Apple Watch at $549, and the Apple Watch Edition at $10,000. Apple of course called the cheapest watch the “Sport” to make out-ofshape buyers feel the need to upgrade to a “classier” one for just $200 more.
You’ll Be Constantly Reminded How Lazy You Are: One of the so-called “cool” features of the Apple Watch is the built-in Activity app that helps you keep track of your exercise and caloric intake. In other words, your wrist will be telling you how fat and lazy you really are, and don’t you already get enough of that from your disappointed mother?
Watches Are Meant To Look Cool And That’s It: Sure you can play games, check your email, and sext with your Apple Watch, but watches should and always will be that boring oversized bracelet you wear to make your friends think you’re cool. Who cares if you forgot how to tell time with an analog clock? You look sophisticated and it definitely beats that Livestrong bracelet you wore for far too long. You Already Have An iPhone And A Watch: You already spent $250 on your iPhone and $100 on your watch. Now you’re going to spend another $350 for a combination of the two? That’s like having two iPhones and two watches. There Are Much Better Ways To Spend $350: For comparison, here are some other things you can buy with $350: a new TV; five iPod shuffles; 100 boxes of Girl Scout Cookies; lots of drugs; a laptop; a homeless man’s meals for the rest of the year. You’ll Always Be Distracted: You already don’t pay attention in class because you’re too busy Yik Yakking an Instagram on Snapchat while
You’ll Look Crazy: We already have bluetooth to make businessmen look schizophrenic. The last thing we need is people talking to their wrist as well. Apple Already Has Enough Support: Apple has a tendency to build the bandwagons in which we all jump. As soon as the iPhone 6 came out, the iPhone 5 became a flip-phone, and the iPhone 4 became a telegraph. While Apple may have gained its initial popularity depicting itself as a hippie company trying to stick it to the man, today, it IS the man. Do we really need to give in to them even more than we already have? Just Wait Until The Apple Watch 2 Comes Out: We all know that in a few months, Apple will come up with a second, “better” watch. The new one will be slightly bigger, will have a higher resolution screen, and will be able to take videos (only in slow motion though). For some reason, the majority of people will feel the need to upgrade. Only then will it be acceptable to buy the original Apple Watch since it will cost a measly $100.
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The 9 Greatest Comebacks
in the History of Earth wrote this Dan Collins
With the NCAA Tournament in full swing and Easter right around the corner, it is truly the time of year for comebacks. Whether they’re stories of late-game heroics in basketball, or a man literally coming back from the dead, the spirit of the underdog is in the air. With that in mind, here are the nine greatest comebacks in the history of Earth:
9.) Will Ferrell: Whether he’s been fired for telling his home city to go fuck themselves or he’s been horrifically fake paralyzed, Will Ferrell is constantly finding himself a massive underdog. Fortunately, due to his persistence, willingness to do anything (such as fight a pack of bears), and predictable structure of his movies, Will Ferrell always comes out on top, or at least fourth place if that’s the goal he set for himself. In the world of acting, there is no better comeback artist than Ferrell, an old, overweight, unattractive man who has, against all odds, become one of the most recognizable leading men in Hollywood. 8.) Rasputin: Rasputin was an ugly, dirty, Russian peasant who worked as a “healer.” However implausibly, he became extremely influential to the Russian Royal Family and was allegedly sleeping with the Tsar’s wife. Partially because of that, and partially because his bad advice helped escalate Russia towards civil war, many important Russians wanted him dead. Unfortunately, Rasputin simply refused to die. After an attempt to assassinate him via stabbing failed despite the doctor taking ten hours to reach Rasputin and operate on him, steps were taken to ensure Rasputin would die. After inviting Rasputin to a dinner party, he was given a lethal dose of cyanide and “fatally” shot in the chest. However, several minutes later, the guests at the party heard a noise that turned out to be Rasputin walking out of the house. He was then “fatally” shot in the stomach and brought back inside. Ten minutes later, Rasputin suddenly jerked, and was then “fatally” shot again, this time in the face. They disposed of his body by throwing him off of a bridge and into a river. According to his autopsy a few days later, Rasputin suffered a fatal blow to the head and had no oxygen in his lungs, meaning he may not have died until he drowned in the river. 7.) Big Cellphones: In the 80s and early 90s, when cellphones were just coming into existence, big phones were all the rage, mostly because that’s the only kind that existed. But, as technology evolved, phones got smaller and big cellphones became extremely uncool. Seriously, watch any movie where the characters have those huge 80s phones. They look absolutely ridiculous. By the mid-2000s, tiny phones like the Razr and the Edge were the coolest phones you could have. But, fast forward 10 years later and the big cellphone is back. Have you seen the iPhone 6 Plus? It’s big enough to look reasonable in Andre the Giant’s hands. Plus, let’s stop pretending that tablets are anything besides enormous cell phones, because that’s exactly what they are. 6.) Marijuana: In colonial times, America was as high on marijuana as any place in the world. In fact, the Declaration of Independence is printed on hemp paper, which is about as American as it gets. Unfortunately, over time, it fell out of favor for a multitude of dumb reasons that potheads incessantly bring up. By the 20th century, only people looked at as degenerates by society could be seen smoking jazz cigarettes. There were even those hilarious reefer madness videos being shown in earnest. Then, the 60s happened and all of a sudden pot was back in America in full force. With legalization of marijuana happening all over the country, it’s safe to say that marijuana is here to stay.
5.) Napoleon: Known better in present times for being short and the complex associated with him, Napoleon Bonaparte was once the most powerful man in Europe. By 1812, Napoleon’s France controlled nearly all of Europe. However, after a couple big defeats, Napoleon found himself exiled from France to the tiny island of Elba in 1814 with the Bourbons back in his throne. Not fazed by what seemed like insurmountable defeat, Napoleon escaped from exile and took control of the French government within a year in what had to be the laziest exile in the history of war. Unfortunately, his ensuing campaign to regain Europe failed and he was again exiled, this time permanently. 4.) America in the Space Race: After the USSR successfully launched Sputnik into orbit in 1957, confidence in American exceptionalism was at an all-time low. If we couldn’t get a satellite into space faster than a group of glorified Eskimo alcoholics, how great could we be? It turns out, very, as America responded by landing a man on the moon by 1969. To add insult to injury, we even beat them in hockey in 1980, going on to win Olympic Gold, thereby proving America is better than the USSR at everything, even things they love, but we hardly care about. 3.) Space Jam: The Monstars were very possibly the most talented basketball team ever assembled. After stealing the talent from some of the NBA’s best players, and Shawn Bradley, in addition to never abiding by any of the actual rules of basketball, they looked to be just about unbeatable at halftime, when they led 66-18. Somehow, the rag-tag crew of Loony Tunes and a minor league baseball player went on an unheard of 48-2 run early in the second half thanks to some creative schemes, plenty of Michael Jordan brilliance, and, more importantly, Mike’s Secret Stuff, leaving them down only 2 late in the fourth quarter. It took an implausible appearance by Bill Murray and some physics shattering elasti-arms by Michael Jordan for a win in what has to be the greatest comeback in the history of sports. 2.) Jesus: Somehow not topping the list, even this close to Easter, Jesus suffered several falls from grace, only to go out and redeem himself each time. Less than a week after being paraded in the streets by hordes of adoring fans with palms, Jesus was put on trial for ambiguous charges and sentenced to death by crucifixion despite doing nothing in that week to justify this massive dip in popularity. Despite only needing to be better liked than a murderer, somehow Jesus was found guilty and crucified. Jesus, not to be outdone, spent part of three days dead in a tomb, only to inexplicably resurrect on Easter Sunday, in what has to be the greatest magic trick ever. That or a miracle, whichever you prefer. 1.) Dinosaurs: Roughly 65 million years ago, or a few thousand if you are a creationist, dinosaurs roamed the world we now inhabit. However, due to a meteor or whatever actually killed all the dinosaurs, dinosaurs were never to return to this earth. That is, until they were discovered once again only 22 years ago by the scientists at Jurassic Park. While Jesus’ resurrection after three days is extremely impressive, the dinosaurs have him beat by approximately 64.999999 million years in terms of length before resurrecting, and that’s why they’re the obvious choice for #1 on this list.
BARTENDER OF THE WEEK
TORY LEGG AT FORT SANDERS YACHT CLUB
Relationship Status: Taken Favorite Drink: Jack and ginger Favorite Shot: Breakfast shot Disgusting Drink: Gin and tonic What bartender superpower do you have?: Knowing what people are about to order. I’m actually a little psychic. What’s something you wish Fort Sanders Yacht Club serves that it doesn’t?: Champagne. When was the last time you were working and someone barfed in here?: 3 months ago.
Five words of advice for recently-minted 21-yearolds: You better tip your bartenders. Give us a science-based pick-up line: Do you have 11 protons? Cuz you’re sodium fine. Where have those fingers been recently?: In the beer, that was a dumb question. What’s the most sexual shape, and why?: A circle, and you know why. Why should people read The Black Sheep?: Because your writers tip so well.
THE DRINKING GAME
RECIPE FOR DISASTER
BEER BOWLING
EASTER COOKIES, EASTER-STYLE
After barely surviving winter, it looks like sun—and the accompanying fun—are here to stay. Get outside and inhale deeply the fresh air. Inhale a 12-pack of the beer of your choice while you’re at it, too.
Jesus didn’t die for your sins (even you, Jews!) for you to celebrate Easter in your apartment sad and alone. So, eliminate the “alone” party by hopping to the store for some ingredients for Easter cookies.
What You’ll Need: Many empty beer cans of the same brand, some full beers of the same brand as the empties. A smallish, heavy ball, like a croquet ball or a bocce ball. Number of Players: Any even number under 10, split into 2 teams. Level of Intoxication: You and Homer Simpson would be pin pals.
What You’ll Need: Half a stick of butter, melted, ½ cup white sugar 1 ¼ cup flour, ¼ cup corn starch, 2 eggs, pinch of salt, 3 tbsp milk, dash of vanilla. Cook Time: 25 minutes. Fatty Factor: Your stomach egg will be full of sugary goodness.
How to Play: -Mark a lane. A lane should be at least 20 feet long and 2-3 feet wide. -On one end of the lane, have a member of the non-bowling team set up 10 cans in standard bowling fashion. 9 of these cans should be empties. One can should be unopened and full. -The player setting up the pins may place the unopened can anywhere among the 10 pins he likes. -Once set up, one player on the other team rolls. As in standard bowling, he gets 2 rolls. -If, in either attempt, that player knocks over the full beer, a member of the other team must drink that beer before he or she can roll. -If a player rolls a strike, the other team must drink a beer, and this player immediately gets another turn. -After two rolls, unless a strike is rolled, the teams switch roles.
Let’s Get Baked: -Preheat your oven to 375 degrees. -Line a baking sheet with parchment paper…if you want. -Combine the flour, sugar, butter and salt in a big ol’ bowl until uniform. -Beat in corn starch, vanilla and milk. -Beat in 2 eggs. -Now you should have a semi-crumbly dough to work with. Press into balls 1 inch across. This recipe should make about a dozen cookies. -Flatten balls with hands and place on baking sheet. Laugh and laugh about all the “balls” talk. -Place in oven for 12-14 minutes. -Remove and let cook.
The Game Ends When: Drunken people start throwing the ball, then Dave gets hit and has to go to the hospital. Laugh at Dave’s misfortune, everyone.
Yeah, take that Satan. Where are your stupid cookies? Probably in Hell or something.
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WHAT YOU SHOULD REALLY BE DURING FINALS WEEK SIX DEGREES OFDOING SEPARATION DOWNLOAD OUR FREE iPHONE AND ANDROID APP
TBS STaFF WroTe THIS April is almost over, which means the end of spring semester is nigh. But, before that glorious day, students must get past one last hurdle: final exams. Now why in the world would anyone want to read an article about finals? Well, this isn’t really an article about finals at all; in fact, it’s very much about avoiding anything to do with finals at all costs. Seems right up your alley.
is the perfect time to catch up on all those amazing shows they keep talking about like breaking bad, mad men and game of thrones. Or, you could just choose to catch up with the Kardashians. Should you choose to go this route, we’ll send you a noose free of charge, you know what to do.
WILLIE NELSON
Since you’re not going to be productive – again, you’re not studying for finals-- you have to find a way to pass the time. Hell, you’ve procrastinated your way through every semester up until now and you’ve done just fine…kind of. Remember, your parents don’t want you to succumb to peer pressure, and just because everyone is doing it, (studying) that doesn’t mean you have to do it too. Classes are over, which means you need to get your ass to a party, pronto. You’ve made it a whole semester filled with studying, stupid group projects and essays galore, and now it’s time to treat yourself with a party full of beer, music, dancing and denying you still have responsibilities. And think about how awesome everything is going to be: Volapalooza and Fort Sanders Fest will be this weekend, and even if you think Volapalooza will be lame, what with Tyga’s “Rack City” failing to dump those tens and twenties on your titties, think of all the amazing after parties that you could crash. Between classes and finals all signs point to partying.
Or, if you’re looking far enough ahead (remember, past finals) you could coax yourself into the gym to work on your summer bod. Not everyone had the opportunity to go somewhere super-awesome for spring break, and many of those who lost out on the opportunity will go on a nice vacation following finals. Since our society tells us that it’s just not right for you to go to the beach without a proper set of abs or flat stomach bared proudly, head to the gym and do some cardio, work on abs, check out the opposite sex, and swim… and by “swim” we mean “tan by the pool.“ And if you’re thinking to yourself, “Man, I really need to start studying,” stop. Have you forgotten you also need to catch up with friends? How many times did you blow off your friends because you had to do schoolwork instead? Is it more than zero? This is your chance to reconnect with your friends and go on some awesome impromptu adventures. Go on a safari through the shady side of Knoxville, or have a “who can take the longest nap” contest in Hodges. Either way, it’ll be a whimsical adventure to a faraway land where finals don’t exist and there’s nary a care in the world, besides gang violence and night terrors.
MARLON BRANDO
Whatever you do, it’s more important than studying. Especially if it starts with “chicken” and ends with “carbonara”
Listen, these life experiences can teach you as much -- nary, more!— If you aren’t a partier there are plenty things for you to do as well, so than any classroom setting can. If you and Leslie hadn’t gotten you don’t skip straight to studying just because you don’t think we shitfaced and made out at that party, how would you have learned can talk you into doing something that’s both fun and alcohol-free; Or pamper yourself by taking the time to eat good food, because about sexism in modern America? Didn’t that twelve-hour nap teach we made a deal, no studying, dammit. For instance, you could catch your poor body has been living on Taco Bell and Cook-Out every you a lot about your circadian rhythm? Or what about the cooking, up on aCan lot you of TV. You know thoseNelson mutant friends who are somehow drunken night. with an actual meal. You don’t cook? needs a degree when you can work as a fry guy at McDonalds? believe that Willie and Marlon Brando are connected in 6 steps? It'sReward so crazy!yourself Do you know how? Tweet us your answers or sendwho us the breakdown at classtime@theblacksheeponline.com. able to keep up with all their schoolwork while spending hours upon Well, learn. Go on the internet and type in “food recipe, plz lol,” Screw studying, there’s a whole new world out there for you right If you’re right, you’ll win a prize! hours keeping up with all their shows. We know they suck, but now Google may not get the last half of it, but the first part is a shoe-in. now!
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