The Black Sheep
FR EE ... l yo ike u t pa hr rki ow ng th tick em et aw s w ay he . n
• a college newspaper that’s actually about college •
Volume 2, Issue 6 • 2/14/13 - 2/20/13
theblacksheeponline.com @blacksheepUTK
public petition for a nap room Lindsey Fleck wrote this
As we venture further into the spring semester, any sleep reserves that we stored up from our winter break hibernation have drained away. Slowly, we watch our dining dollars diminish as the tall orders of coffee from Starbucks shift to grande, or even venti with an extra shot of espresso. Students aren’t even able to rely on Adderall, when the effects of that wonder drug wear off even the pill poppers enter into coma-like states of being. Something must be done to save the student population before we all become mindless zombies. Being a student is tiring work, and it’s a miracle we’re able to pay attention. Students are expected to go to 14-19 hours of classes a week, do shit tons of homework, and then have to fit partying in there somewhere. This makes us exponentially more tired -- but if we don’t party then what did we go to college for? Then teachers complain that we aren’t trying to learn; it’s not our fault that not every class is as exciting as the History of Rock. Hell, stupid teachers are even trying to trick students into signing up for class by naming it Harry Potter 101. Do you learn how to fly a broomstick or curse your teachers in there? No, you learn how Harry Potter is some sort of allegory to the current geopolitical situation. And people wonder why students are always exhausted. Thankfully The Black Sheep has come up with the perfect solution to all of our sleepy needs: building nap rooms in all the campus buildings. These rooms will be safe havens for sleepyheads to relax and recuperate between classes. Imagine a place where it’s okay to relax, forget all about how sleepy you are, and do something about it. Each building will be equipped with a room full of super soft beds with the fluffiest pillows and the comfiest sheets. Tranquil music will echo throughout the dark room, as students will squeeze in quick 10-90 minute naps. Of course, not everyone enjoys softas-a-Jesus-cloud beds, so waterbeds will also be available for those keen on ocean sounds. Waterboards will be made available for masochists, as well as floor space for purists. We understand that some students can’t help but think of other things when they see a bed, so we also plan to offer an “active sleeping” room. These beds will be kept in soundproof rooms. Students will be required to bring their own sheets, because… because jizz, that’s why. This also helps those horny lovers to not have relations in unsanitary places, or within obvious hearing (or smelling) distance of their roommates. Sure, doing it in pews at the student chapel sounds fun and exciting, but is it worth being damned to hell for eternity? Eh, maybe. And who knows how many people have shagged in the stacks in Hodges? Those stains don’t come
out of the carpets easily, not to mention pages of books sticking together. Of course there will be those who don’t support the idea of a nap room, but those people are soulless bastards. Everyone needs naps – The American Association for College Students has provided multiple studies espousing the need our nation’s 18-22-year-olds’ have for naps. Hell, Northwestern’s football coach Pat Fitzgerald demands that his players take a nap before kickoff, and they actu-
ally won a lot of games – which is good for a shitty Big Ten team that wears purple, as opposed to a shitty SEC team that wears orange. And if pampered athletes need their daily nap to produce excellence, then so do the regular talentless students. Think of how much better students will do in class if they get a well-deserved nap to get them through the day. Eventually everyone will see that naps are what we have been lacking in curriculum this whole time. Besides, UT told us to think of “big ideas,” so here you are, Jimmy Cheek.
what'’s inside American Student’s Guide to Studying Abroad
A four month booze cruise requires some amount of preparation.
page 4
the top 10
Future Americans: We’re Sorry
Characters You Want Around if You’re in The Walking Dead.
We apologize for Jersey Shore, Honey Boo Boo, and so, so much more.
page 5
page 6
contents
Questions? Comments? Compliments? Insults? info@theblacksheeponline.com
page 7: From the Streets
page 7
Why is greenland called greenland when it’s white and covered with ice?
pages 10: Seth MacFarlane’s Oscar Monolouge It’s soooooo funny, you guys!
page 11: We Interview: Monica Theiu
Table of
What, you don’t know who the 2012 Jeopardy! College Champion is? Well now you do!
page 12: bartender of the week Dave from Goal post Tavern hates mean people.
page 12: Drinking Game and Recipe for Disaster We dole out tasks and make unusual, yet delicious, sandwiches.
page 11
page three p e e h S k c a l B e h T ile App
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last week’s answers
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word of the week Bartition:
The four-deep line of people separating you from the bartender. “Damn this bartition! If I don’t get a gin and tonic pronto I’m going to have to sleep with that uggo sober.”
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The American Student’s Guide to Studying Abroad Sarah Russell wrote this Every semester naïve young students embark on the adventure of their lifetimes. They hug their parents, send their friends one last frantic text before their non-international smartphones become totally useless, and skip onto a plane to a European country that is known for good food, better booze, and horny locals. Commonly known as “study abroad,” this epic vacation adventure is touted to parents as a “great educational experience,” while students commonly consider it a way to earn credit for bar hopping. So just in time for the next crop of globetrotters to launch their foreign experiments in studying the nightlife of a foreign country, here is a brief list of things to remember before the booze prevents you from remembering anything about your trip.
Keep an eye on your check liver light: Contrary to popular belief, wasted Americans are not adorable. They are wasted. Europeans know what wasted looks like, and our accents don’t redeem us, because Americans don’t have cute accents, and that’s the hard truth. We see ourselves in Europe as renegade cowboys with a southern drawl and a cleft chin; they look at us as McDonald’s scarfing, blubbering idiots who voted for George Bush. There is nothing appealing about loud, drunk Americans parading through a cute little European neighborhood at three in the morning. Not to mention that a lot of European cities have noise restrictions at night, and no one wants to end up in a German prison for some fairly obvious reasons.
Pack light and in layers: Guys, pack pants, even if it kills you. February in Europe is not 50 degrees. And for the love of God, don’t bring visors or sunglasses with croakies. Only in America can you look like that much of a douche and get away with it. Girls, don’t bring every pair of heels you own. You will probably leave most of them in a discotheque in the Red Light District anyway, and that’d just be a waste of money. Also, make sure to pack clothes that are warmer than a miniskirt. Your dreams of a cute European boy giving you his blazer will be crushed, because it is a proven fact that no European boy will willingly part with their designer jacket.
Your classes really do kind of matter: Even if it takes you fifty years to get ahold of your study abroad transcript, the credits do in fact transfer over, and they do in fact show up on your GPA. Grad schools and future employers are going to know exactly why you got a D in Basketweaving 101 while you were in Italy. Most likely, they will recognize your ruse because they did it too. Sometimes it sucks being in a younger generation, but that’s how it is.
Hold on to your passport for dear life: Although it really cramps your style when you can’t get into a bar because your only form of ID is a fake state license, it’s better than a walk-of-shame to the ol’ US Embassy - they don’t look too fondly on giving hungover college kids new passports. Besides, you know deep down that you don’t want to lose the cute little stamps they put in your passport at customs. You earned those, dammit.
See the sights outside of a four-block radius from your favorite bar: If you go to France and don’t even make it to the Eiffel Tower because the wine shop around the corner was just so close, you’re a miserable human being and deserve to be shot. It’s downright embarrassing to be asked “So how amazing is Big Ben?” and you reply “Well, if I gave him a really good tip he’d give me free double shots!” Don’t be dumb, wear a condom!: STDs and pregnancy exist in different time zones too, so don’t be an idiot and go home with a stranger from a bar just because he or she is foreign. On the other hand, though,
don’t assume that every European wants to screw you because you’re American and hurl yourself at him or her desperately. See above -- our accents are not cute. And in the end, have some (sober) fun: Studying abroad, or any excuse to go to a foreign country, should really be a memorable experience, the key being that you remember it. Make the most of your chance to travel and live in another country. (But you really should at least try European beer. Everything they drink is infinitely better than Bud Light.)
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The
Top 10
Characters You Want Around If You're in The Walking Dead
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Zombies, while often overdone, are pretty realistic on AMC’s The Walking Dead. If the world really came to an apocalyptic state, who would actually be beneficial to have around? We managed to gather the top ten characters* you want to be around when there are dead things that walk. 10.) Lori Grimes: The bottom of the list is reserved for the lowest scum of the show. Bottles were popped in celebration once this cheating whore finally bit the dust on that dirty jail floor, but she actually wasn’t the worst person out there. She’ll forever be remembered for her trifflin’ ho ways, and you may get to slip this hot bitch the D. But when zombies are chomping at you, ain’t nobody got time for that. 9.) Hershel Greene: Walking around on one leg, he could at least gain you some time to get away while he gets ripped apart. He’s lived a longer life than you have anyway. 8.) Carol Peletier: This woman has improved her shot, but she isn’t the best when it comes to putting the most logical solution for group safety on the table. She also cries all the time and causes too much noise to the point where you may just let her die, or at least make her go back to Freaky Friday with Lindslo. 7.) Maggie Greene: The only hot chick left, and therefore pivotal to your hypothetical group. She also isn’t a complete dumbass and is willing to risk her life for others. She’s hot. What else would you want around?
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ITH A 12 ON ALL FLOOR PLANS W 6.) Rick Grimes: Tyranny is hard to handle, but sometimes it is necessary if the leader has the interests of the group at heart. Too bad Rick is losing his shit and losing credibility with every move he’s made lately. You’d definitely want his hard ass around, but be wary of his AWOL potential. 5.) T-Dog: This strong dude will literally let himself be eaten alive so some weak woman can get away. You need to find you a token T-Dog if you want to survive this type of apocalypse. 4.) Glenn Rhee: He’s the swiftest and the smartest. You need to have these types around for obvious reasons, but his Hulk-streak kicks in under pressure and makes for one of the most badass attackers out there. 3.) Carl Grimes: Carl can get shit done. He killed his own freakin’ mother because he knew it was the right thing to do -- to put her out of misery and save his fetus sister. If a kid is more levelheaded than many of the adults, then there’s hope for the future. 2.) Daryl Dixon: The description for this character can be found when searching for the term MFBA: Mother Fucking Bad Ass. Crossbow? Nothing more needs to be said. 1.) Michonne: This chick is inhuman. She skulks around like something from James Cameron’s Avatar and is basically the tomb-raider of this lost Georgian world. She will go straight Kill Bill on your ass with a samurai sword and you won’t even see it coming. The key point is to make sure that you are on her side – the good side – and you’ll be set. *Andrea gets no place on the list because she is too stupid to see the greatness that is Michonne and betrays her. Who cares if she comes to her senses? There isn’t room for second chances in this world. If it ever comes to such a time, keep in mind these types of people and beware of those drama-causing bitches that will do nothing but slow you down and cramp your zambie-killin’ style.
tennessee staff wrote this
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Future Americans: We’re Sorry utk staff wrote this With all the entertainment award ceremonies going on now, it’s important to think of modern media as a testament to our times. What are these artists saying about us as a people? After all, however grim the thought may be, “Call Me Maybe” will outlive every single one of us. Let’s create a hypothetical time capsule that would incorporate all of the important aspects of modern American culture and life, shall we? This is what we might include-- a letter to explain to future America why these things are so important to today’s society. Dear Future Americans, Here we give you a flashdrive that-- when you plug it into your very advanced and futuristic computers that we’re sure will still have flashdrives-- allows you to see 2013’s rendition of Facebook in all of its glory. Here we have the incessant whining of middle schoolers about their first world problems. Who doesn’t want to read 20 of those every day? There are also innumerable Farmville requests from our grandparents, bless their hearts, and countless Instagram pictures of our food. Hey, at least you’ll know what real food looks like, instead of the astronaut paste that comes in tubes that we’re sure you all eat. Virtual farms and the constant posting of pictures of our friends are very important in the 21st century. Next, you’ll find a DVD of the first season of Jersey Shore. No, the human race’s skin color didn’t turn orange for a short time in the aughts due to some vitamin deficiency; we just thought it was cool to tan our bodies until skin cancer overcame us. By the way, have you found a cure for that yet, Future Americans? In 2013 one of the stars of the show, Snooki, has given birth, so we’re sure that by your time, that line of small orange monsters will have grown into an Oompa Loompa army that keeps the paler people in check, what with their ability to resist the sun’s ever-stronger rays. Uh, sorry. We must show your civilization of the future that we had great modern American literature, so enclosed you will find a copy of Stephenie Meyer’s Twilight. We’re not exactly sure how this book about teenage sexual tension became so popular, but it spawned an insurgence of shows, books, and movies about
vampires and werewolves. Apparently that is what America is into now. This has been very important to our culture, because it taught girls to almost die waiting for some guy. Likewise, boys are taught they have to be 100 year old vampires to be attractive. So there’s some more monsters for you, future, though most of these are super pale and sparkly instead of unnaturally tan. Hey, it’s a weird time, okay? And we just want you to know that technology took a huge leap in the 21nd century! We had devices that could play music, movies, games, take pictures, let us talk to others, and show us thousands of pictures of adorable kittens. These advanced devices, such as laptops, were only used for browsing Reddit or for watching porn. So we’re not sure if we used this great technology to the best of our ability. Work on that in the future, will you? We could probably solve a million problems with the technology we had if we could stop watching YouTube videos of cute cats and weird Asian songs. So here you go, future America, we’ve tackled the big things of our era and given you in the future a taste of what it was like to live in 2013. We’ve also thrown in a few memes, which explain many mannerisms of our modern Americans, such as Socially Awkward Penguin and Scumbag Steve. Because we wanted to show you some of our trashy tv, we’ve also included some Honey Boo Boo and Toddlers in Tiaras, showing you exactly what we do to our young. That Honey Boo Boo’s just so darn entertaining.
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From the Streets Got a question you want us to ask? FTS@theblacksheeponline.com
Why is Greenland called Greenland, when it's white and covered with ice? “Because America was already taken.” - Chelsea
“Because the vikings didn’t give a fuck.” - Matt
“To show how nobody cares about Greenland.” - Quinn
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thursday 2/14
The Honeycutters with Katie Powderly featuring Mike Brock, 10 p.m. Half-Off Bottles of Wine Until 10pm
FRIDAY! Dance Night with DJ Eric B @ Southbound 21+ | 9pm| Ladies free, Gents $5 after 11pm Presented by Night Owl: Lines Taking Shape | Sin | Smooth Operationz | Crumbsnatchers | Yak Strangler @ 90 Proof 18+ | 8:30 PM | $6 Door
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$2 Domestic Bottles
Jessta James @ 90 Proof 18+ | 8PM | $5, Ladies Free Bassface 19: Mantis | Syl-O | Breeblebox | Gizmo @ Southbound 18+, 8pm | $7 Adv., $10 Door
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tuesday: Trivia!
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FRIday 2/15
Honey Island Swamp Band 10 p.m.
saturday 2/16
90.3 The Rock Presents: 6th Annual White Cosbys Prom Night, 10 p.m. Games on the Big Screens All Day!
Catch all the Games Here!
Squake | Shadow Cartel @ 90 Proof 18+ | 9 PM | $5 Door Dance Night with Ray Funk @ Southbound 21+ | 9pm | Ladies free, Gents $5 after 11pm
sunday 2/17
90.3 The Rock Presents: The Jeff Sipe, Mike Seal, and Taylor Lee Trio at 8 p.m.
$2 Domestic Bottles and Drafts, $5.50 Pitchers and Happy Hour Wells All Day. $0.50 Wings, $3.99 Cheeseburgers and Fries
Call (865) 414-6050 to set up your private party!
Call (865) 414-6050 to set up your private party!
monday 2/18
Rich Del Grosso & Jonn Richardson, Live! Half Price Pint Night
$5.50 Domestic Pitchers $0.50 Wings, Pitchers and Happy Hour Wells All Day
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Check out carleoentertainment.com for upcoming events!
tuesday 2/19
The Wild Feathers, Live! Half Price Pint Night
Trivia! $2 Domestic Drafts
Call (865) 414-6050 to set up your private party!
Call (865) 414-6050 to set up your private party!
WED. 2/20
Live Team Trivia - 8pm
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thursday 2/14
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Large Meatzaria or Veggie Pizza $12.99 + Tax
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Big Bad Oven, Biz Cirque, and Dave & Russ, 9 p.m. Drink Specials!
saturday 2/16
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Any Medium Pizza $10.99 + Tax Happy Hour 3-7pm: 50 cents off any beer; draft or bottle
Half Price Bottles of Wine All Day Until 10PM
Bob Goodson and the Blues Machine, 8 p.m. $5 Nachos, $5 Dickel Tickles
WED. 2/20
$4 El Jimador Tequila Every Day
seth macfarlane's oscar monolouge Good evening, and welcome to the 2013 Academy Awards! You know, when they asked me to host this year I said, “Sure, it should be easier than that time I hosted SNL and the ghost of Florence Nightingale put a frozen banana in my butt!” Anyway, I’m sure you’re all more excited to get this over with than John Madden’s colon after he mistook three pounds of pepper jack cheese for a rotisserie chicken! Now, if you haven’t seen the lovely Anne Hathaway -- where are you Anne? Beautiful, didn’t she and James do a great job last year? It was a meeting of ugly and stoned meets elegance and beauty, like when George R.R. Martin wanders onto a multiple-blowjob scene in Game of Thrones. Let’s start with a look at the Actor in a Leading Role candidates - we’ve got a manic depressive, a bipolar, two drunks, and a former inmate. Boy, sounds like a Monday night at Robert Downey Jr.’s house. It’s been a tight race for Actor in a Leading Role. Bradley Cooper, of course, did a wonderful job capturing a tortured bipolar man. But boy, audiences haven’t been faced with that much spousal abuse since Rihanna told Chris Brown he missed a button. Speaking of Silver Linings Playbook, Jennifer Lawrence is an amazing actress up for an award. Even now, though, the talk about Jennifer isn’t as much about how she’s a great actress, it’s about how comfortable she is in her own skin. No offense, Jennifer, but most people would be pretty comfortable in a 22-year-old woman. Only Roman Polanski would say that it’s too loose of a fit. Probably the biggest discussion of a film’s ability to make its audience think surrounded Kathryn Bigelow’s Zero Dark Thirty, and the message it sends about torture. Namely, that being waterboarded is more pleasant than sitting through all of Beasts of the Southern Wild.
In “massive buyout of a failing organization news”, this year George Lucas sold Star Wars to Disney. The news only got better when Walt Disney himself awoke from his cryogenic state to design the Jewish version of Jar Jar Binks himself. [Evil voice] “Yes, his name is Jewba the Hutt and he wants to melt C-3PO and ruin America’s economy.” This year a lot of people thought Paul Thomas Anderson’s The Master would receive a nomination for Best Picture. Those people were wrong, and his Scientology allegory didn’t get the nod. If you ask me, no story about a dead, invisible entity loved by many has been snubbed that hard since Manti T’eo’s spec script for My Real-LifeI-Swear-To-God-She Exists Girlfriend: A Love Story was passed over by Harvey Weinstein. Speaking of closeted homosexuals who preach love for invisible weirdos, Tom Cruise couldn’t make it this evening. When Katie Holmes’ lawyer told him he would have to take care of Suri tonight, he was more disappointed than when his agent let him know he’d be starring in Jack Reacher, not Jack Reach-Around. There was another snub this year too, a little movie named Ted that wasn’t put up for any awards. If you ask me, it was the best film of the year, and not just because I made millions of dollars from it. It’s also because I’ve made millions and millions of dollars for it. I haven’t seen a joke that self-referential since the last twenty years of Al Pacino’s career. And how about Life of Pi? Life of Pi is up for Best Picture this year. Good thing Bruce Vilanch hasn’t seen it, around him a Pi’s life is what? 20 minutes, tops?
Everyone knows what a treat Daniel Day-Lewis is, especially when he’s working on another personality. Audiences everywhere felt like they were looking at Abraham himself, but one thing he failed to capture with Lincoln, was honest Abe’s well-known habit of parading around the White House dressed as a John Wilkes Booth’s wife and offering “moral oral” to everyone in sight - that was Booth’s motivation. He wasn’t against Lincoln’s policy, he just thought he was a jerk! Of course the indomitable Denzel Washington, great to have him here tonight. Denzel is the predominant race educator of our times. In 1992 as Malcolm X he taught us that success by any means necessary is still success, and in 2001 he taught us that King Kong was actually a large black man, not an ape. Well, he’s at it again this year with Flight, showing us that even when a black guy saves a hundred lives, it’s only after he shows up late and unprepared for work. And hey, what do you know? That brings us to our first award of the night. Here to present the award for Best Adapted Screenplay is James Franco in a dress. I haven’t seen someone this comfortable in the opposite sex’s clothes since...James Franco hosted the Oscars last year.
we interview:
monica theiu, 2012 jeopardy! college champion
THIS! IS! AN INTERVIEW WITH THE 2012 JEOPARDY! COLLEGE CHAMPIONSHIP WINNER, MONICA THIEU! Now a student at Stanford University, last year she steamrolled her competition to win a cool $100,000. She’ll be participating in the Jeopardy! Tournament of Champions, airing February 15th. Sure, she may know Chopin’s “Minute Waltz” is in D flat major, but does she know how to love? By: Brendan TBS: Why did you want to be on Jeopardy! so badly? Monica: I did quiz bowl stuff in high school, I’ve always known random crap, but I didn’t really know it was useful until high school. Then I was like, “You can win stuff for knowing shit? That’s great!” With Jeopardy!, I like being on TV, and I thought it would be something fun to do. TBS: What did you do to study between learning to be on the show and arriving on set? Monica: There’s a website online that archives old games with transcripts with old questions and answers. I went back and mined it for questions and answers, comparing the questions they ask with things I know and things I don’t. Hopefully, I would only be studying the things I really needed to study. TBS: Before you’re on the show do you meet your competitors? Monica: We didn’t get to meet the people on the show until we spent time in the green room. There’s actually a lot of time that we’re there that we’re not taping, and the two days we spent together brought us pretty close. Being on something like Jeopardy! brings people together. It’s not that I didn’t want to win, but if I have to beat you, I’m really sorry. TBS: Everything is taped in a two-day span? Monica: Yes. They tape five shows a day over the course of two days. TBS: In your downtime did you go do anything else non-Jeopardy! related? Monica: On the first day the people who taped before us had the opportunity to go eat in the Sony Pictures employee cafeteria. Since I taped on the fifth show out of five we had to stay in the green room, because talking with people outside of it might affect the way we play, and they can’t have that. On the second day I watched the two games being played. During lunch we had to stay in the employee cafeteria, I think they were afraid we’d go and blab the results out. TBS: There’s a pretty big stretch of time between the show taping and the show airing. How did you keep your win a secret? Monica: I told a couple of people, and it leaked out. The intent is, you’re supposed to keep mum about the results until it happens. TBS: What’s different between watching it on TV and playing in the studio? Monica: When you’re watching the show, you don’t realize how much it’s a buzzer-based game, as opposed to an answers-based game. Sure, there may be some answers a contestant might not know, but so much of it was I knew the answer, but I was too slow on the buzzer. So often people would say, “How come you didn’t get that?” and I knew the answer, but another contestant beat me to getting there. TBS: What percentage of questions did you know? What percentage did you answer? Monica: I’d be confident answering 80% to 85%, and another 5% I could make a good guess. There were a few categories where I didn’t know anything. TBS: What percentage of the questions did you get in on? Monica: Not that many. Maybe half of the questions I knew? That’s a very generous estimate; I was not very good on the buzzer. TBS: In turn, did you ever try to get in not knowing what the answer was? Monica: Sometimes you’d see the question and you think you can figure out in the five seconds they give you the answer, then you realize you can’t. TBS: When they go to a judge for a clarification, is that TV magic? Or is it really like a 2-second call on their part? Monica: Totally [TV magic]. None of my games had a pause when judges were reconsidering answers, but they’ll reevaluate a question during a commercial break. One of the times I was watching, it was a half hour break as the judges debate. TBS: What question were you proudest of answering? Monica: I’m not sure there’s a question I’m proudest of answering. I got all of the Final Jeopardy! questions correct, so I guess I’m proud of that. A couple of those were well-placed guesses. A lot of Jeopardy is a game of educated guessing. If you’re good enough to connect the dots, you can figure it out. TBS: What is Alex Trebek like? Monica: He’s a character, though we didn’t have as much time to spend with him as I thought we were going to. Basically, he’ll come out for the game, and then leave immediately to change for the next game and whatnot. We had promo photos with him, though. He’s a nice guy, but he’ll sass the audience sometimes during the commercial breaks. TBS: The constant interviews seem miserable. They are, right? Monica: Dude, they’re the worst! I wish we didn’t have to do them. I hate watching other peoples’ contestant interviews, I hated my own contestant interviews. It’s the most awkward part of the show, can we just not do this? Sometimes Alex will make a quip or innuendo and you’ll be like, “All right Alex, you go do that.” TBS: So how has winning this changed things for you? Monica: I’ve only had a few people recognize me in public, like at McDonald’s. Otherwise, it’s just funny when I have to explain to people that I was on Jeopardy! , they’ll be star struck for like, one minute. For the most part my life hasn’t been super different. TBS: $100,000 isn’t too bad, though. Monica: Oh, no no no. But taxes.
Credit: Jeopardy! Productions
the big three
entertainment-y things to keep your eye out for.
safe Haven IN Theaters february 14th
If you are one of those girls, you can drag your stoner boyfriend to see Safe Haven, a Nicholas Sparks drama about a small town boy and girl who fall in love with each other (we actually didn't read the description, but this has got to be what it's about). Have your man treat you to a fancy entree at P.F. Chang's afterwards and, boom, you'll forget all about that boyfriend who left you on Valentine's Day.
die hard In theaters february 14th
Or, if you're the douchebag dumper, grab an emotional doormat off the street to see Die Hard, the fifth installment of the Bruce Willis action film about fighting and stuff. Afterward, treat her to a salad from Applebee's and some flowers from your local grocery store, and get excited for 20-minutes of average sex at your place. It's all about love.
ridiculousness Thursday, February 14th at 10pm on MTV
Or, if you are one of those couples, you can cozy up on the couch to catch the third season premiere of the viral video clip show Ridiculousness. Grab a few bottles of wine, order some pizza, and laugh and laugh and laugh at guys getting hit in the junk and getting humped by dolphins. Maybe a b.j. on the couch will happen during commercials, because you two can be so crazy sometimes!
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bartender of the week dave c. goal post tavern Favorite Movie: Casino Royale Favorite Videogame: Space Invaders Favorite Song: “A Pirate Looks at Forty” by Jimmy Buffet Favorite Drunk Munch: Goal Posts Tavern’s “Mixed Bings”
Favorite Sports Team: Miami Dolphins Dreamjob: Owning a business in Novella, Italy Best part of bartending: Talking with people Pet Peeve: Mean people
Favorite Beer: Sierra Nevada
Signature Drink: Dewar’s
Favorite Drinking Game: Pool
Best Night for drink specials: Mon-Sun 3-7, 9-10, Happy hour
the drinking game:
recipe for disaster:
task master
hot dog and egg sandwiches
Truth or Dare was a highlight of middle school sleepovers. However, the one thing that was missing at the time was copious amounts of alcohol (unless you went to cool kid parties). Task Master takes Truth or Dare and makes it better by adding alcohol and removing the Truth part, because that was always for pussies.
Many times the secret to creativity lies in using what is available to you. Many of us would love to cook complex dinners using a variety of spices and meats, but that is often too expensive, and we are often too drunk or tired or stoned or lazy or all of those. Here is a simple recipe using only food that are mainstays in the college student kitchen
What You’ll Need: Alcohol! Number of Players: As many brave souls as you can acquire. Level of Intoxication: That all depends on how wiling you are to humiliate yourself. How To Play: - Designate a person in the group to be the first Task Master. This can be done by choice, rock, paper, scissors, odds-evens, whatever. - The Task Master then assigns a task (dare) to another player in the group. - If the person fails their task, the must drink half of their drink. If the person refuses to do a task, they must finish their drink. - When a person completes a task, everyone takes a social drink, and the person who completed the task becomes the new Task Master. The Game Ends When: Everyone is too ashamed of themselves to make eye contact.
What You’ll Need: Hotdogs, eggs, cheese, bread. Cook Time: 5-10 minutes. Fatty Factor: Deliciously incapacitating. Let’s Get Baked: - Start off by throwing some bread in the toaster. If you don’t have a toaster, a microwave might work.Don’t quote us on that, we’re not Gordon Ramsay. - Cut up a few hotdogs into thin slices and throw them on a frying pan. - Beat some eggs and throw those on the same frying pan. If you haven’t noticed yet, this recipe involves a lot of throwing. - Scramble the eggs along with the hotdog slices until the eggs are cooked. - Remove the toast from the microwave, put the eggs and hotdogs on the toast, and throw some cheese on it. If your arm is still feeling good, try throwing some hot sauce on it too.
It only takes one person to change this game from a light-hearted prank fest to a full on molest-a-thon, so choose your participants carefully.
If there’s one thing better than scrambled eggs, it’s scrambled eggs with hot dogs in it. And if there’s one thing that’s better than scrambled eggs with hotdogs in it, it’s scrambled eggs with hotdogs in it with cheese on top. And if there’s one thing better than that, it’s sex. But…but why are we so alone?
download our app for all of our drinking games!
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Mansion. Apartment. Shack. House. Spouse: - Daniel Tosh - Danielle Fishel - Danny Brown - Danielle Staub
Wedding Ceremony: - On the Brooklyn Bridge - Top of the Burj Khalifa - Inside the Spaceship Earth at Epcot - Base of the Eiffel Tower
Best Wedding Gift: - Jet Ski - Jet Pack - A Jet - Jethro Tull
Best Man: - Bill Clinton - BIll Nye - Bill Murray - Billy Bob Thornton
Celebrity Performer: - Justin Bieber - Jay-Z - Justin Timberlake - Ja Rule
Honeymoon Adventure: - Hot air ballooning around the world - Graffiting the Great Barrier Reef - Saving kittens in Romania - Skydiving from space
Maid of Honor: - Jessica Simpson - Jessica Rabbit - Jessica Lange - Jessica Biel
Wedding Chef: - Giada De Laurentiis - Paula Deen - Martha Stewart - Bobby Flay
embarrassing demise: - Suffocation at sushi-eating contest - Brain damage from Slip ‘N Slide - Stroke from doing the “Single Ladies” dance - Carpal tunnel from too much Twitter
How to play
Doodle some dots on the page until a friend (or your brain) tells you to stop. Starting with M.A.S.H., go around the board crossing off whatever option corresponds with your number. Go around the board until only one of each category is left. That, my friend, is your future. Enjoy it.
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m o c . e n i l n O p e e h S k c a l B e GAMES G Th IN K IN R PECIALS | D | BAR S ARTICLES
the crossword: wild animals Across 3) You and this animal sleep up to 14 hours a day, makes sense that we’re pseudo related. 7) This king can grow to 5.5 meters. 8) They only ever have perfect, identical quadruplets. 9) Just like your stoner roommate, this eats all types of food. 10) Keeps you on pins and needles. 11) A seven deadly sin, and you on Sunday. 12) All of these bears are left-handed. 13) A herd of these are called a “blessing,” and they truly are one. 15) U. Wisconsin mascot.
18) Drunk sailors once thought these were mermaids. 19) No, man, you’re not tripping; these animals have rectangular pupils. 20) These guys walk on their knuckles to protect their long claws. Down 1) Is it black with white stripes, or white with black stripes?! 2) Rudolph’s favorite fruit. 4) Girls will be a sexy this on Halloween. 5) Hay, why the long face? 6) Their skin is protected by pink sweat, which isn’t a line of Victoria’s Secret clothes. 11) A tomato-juice bath usually doesn’t even get rid of this animal’s smell. 14) A 40+ hot woman. 16) Cartman’s vigilante character, the real name. 17) A big ole’ saltwater cow.
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Disclaimer The Black Sheep in no way promotes, encourages or supports binge drinking, and/or under-age drinking. This newspaper is designed for entertainment purposes only and does not recommend attempting anything printed in this publication. Please drink...responsibly and legally.
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