The Black Sheep
FR EE ... l yo ike u t pa hr rki ow ng th tick em et aw s w ay he . n
• a college newspaper that’s actually about college •
Volume 2, Issue 6 • 2/14/13 - 2/20/13
theblacksheeponline.com @blacksheepUTK
public petition for a nap room Lindsey Fleck wrote this
As we venture further into the spring semester, any sleep reserves that we stored up from our winter break hibernation have drained away. Slowly, we watch our dining dollars diminish as the tall orders of coffee from Starbucks shift to grande, or even venti with an extra shot of espresso. Students aren’t even able to rely on Adderall, when the effects of that wonder drug wear off even the pill poppers enter into coma-like states of being. Something must be done to save the student population before we all become mindless zombies. Being a student is tiring work, and it’s a miracle we’re able to pay attention. Students are expected to go to 14-19 hours of classes a week, do shit tons of homework, and then have to fit partying in there somewhere. This makes us exponentially more tired -- but if we don’t party then what did we go to college for? Then teachers complain that we aren’t trying to learn; it’s not our fault that not every class is as exciting as the History of Rock. Hell, stupid teachers are even trying to trick students into signing up for class by naming it Harry Potter 101. Do you learn how to fly a broomstick or curse your teachers in there? No, you learn how Harry Potter is some sort of allegory to the current geopolitical situation. And people wonder why students are always exhausted. Thankfully The Black Sheep has come up with the perfect solution to all of our sleepy needs: building nap rooms in all the campus buildings. These rooms will be safe havens for sleepyheads to relax and recuperate between classes. Imagine a place where it’s okay to relax, forget all about how sleepy you are, and do something about it. Each building will be equipped with a room full of super soft beds with the fluffiest pillows and the comfiest sheets. Tranquil music will echo throughout the dark room, as students will squeeze in quick 10-90 minute naps. Of course, not everyone enjoys softas-a-Jesus-cloud beds, so waterbeds will also be available for those keen on ocean sounds. Waterboards will be made available for masochists, as well as floor space for purists. We understand that some students can’t help but think of other things when they see a bed, so we also plan to offer an “active sleeping” room. These beds will be kept in soundproof rooms. Students will be required to bring their own sheets, because… because jizz, that’s why. This also helps those horny lovers to not have relations in unsanitary places, or within obvious hearing (or smelling) distance of their roommates. Sure, doing it in pews at the student chapel sounds fun and exciting, but is it worth being damned to hell for eternity? Eh, maybe. And who knows how many people have shagged in the stacks in Hodges? Those stains don’t come
out of the carpets easily, not to mention pages of books sticking together. Of course there will be those who don’t support the idea of a nap room, but those people are soulless bastards. Everyone needs naps – The American Association for College Students has provided multiple studies espousing the need our nation’s 18-22-year-olds’ have for naps. Hell, Northwestern’s football coach Pat Fitzgerald demands that his players take a nap before kickoff, and they actu-
ally won a lot of games – which is good for a shitty Big Ten team that wears purple, as opposed to a shitty SEC team that wears orange. And if pampered athletes need their daily nap to produce excellence, then so do the regular talentless students. Think of how much better students will do in class if they get a well-deserved nap to get them through the day. Eventually everyone will see that naps are what we have been lacking in curriculum this whole time. Besides, UT told us to think of “big ideas,” so here you are, Jimmy Cheek.
what'’s inside American Student’s Guide to Studying Abroad
A four month booze cruise requires some amount of preparation.
page 4
the top 10
Future Americans: We’re Sorry
Characters You Want Around if You’re in The Walking Dead.
We apologize for Jersey Shore, Honey Boo Boo, and so, so much more.
page 5
page 6