Volume 6
The Black Sheep UT’S SEX WEEK:
FRE som E! Lik e sl e sna eep gg in c ing lass ...
The College Newspaper That's Actually About College
Issue 7
“AN ABOMINATION IN THE EYES OF GOD” Zeke the Street-Preacher wrote this
The Lord rightly spake, “The fires of hell await all those whom participate in UT’s Sex Week.” Students, can you not see that your very souls are in danger? With the unholiest of intentions, your fellow students have invited the serpent to UT. SEAT (Sexual Empowerment and Awareness at Tennessee) has planned an entire week of satanic rituals, Bible burnings, and gay orgies with the sole purpose of corrupting your souls and preparing them for the fiery pits of Hell. Don’t you get it? SEAT wishes to remove God from your hearts to make a place, a SEAT if you will, for Satan. I have received word from the highest authority, our almighty God (who took time out of his busy schedule addressing war and famine across the Earth to speak to me), that one event, “Getting Wordy and Talking Dirty: Consent and Communication in the Bedroom,” provides students with a basic outline for consenting to those wretched relations. Don’t let them fool you! It’s for performing satanic ceremonies while fornicating outside of wedlock. Oh, children! I would tear out my eyes so as not to bear witness to next week’s perverse celebration of evil. To the faithful, I would ask you do the same. If God wanted a drag show to be part of your education, he would have made at least one of the apostles a queer-mo-sexual. Read the Bible! There’s not a thing in there that says it’s okay to be sexually aware and educated! I would stake my life that the leaders of Sex Week are mostly women. Jezebels! Whores of Babylon! Daughters of the first sinner Eve! Is it not enough that we were cast out of Eden because you listened to the unholiest of serpents and then decided to eat some fruit? Must you now destroy the new paradise we have built for God on this campus – Holy Land 2.0?
right to defend those souls with handguns in public parks. And this is how you repay them? These are the men that should be educating our children on sexual relations, not the lesser gender with their whimsical and empty minds. And when I say “educating our children on sexual relations,” I mean locking our children away from the devil’s work (the internet) and real world in order to keep them from ever discovering that sex exists.
that says otherwise. Now we have to have some godless “experts” tell you that AIDS is some common medical disease and not the righteous vengeance of our almighty Father for you monkey worshippers! In the name of our almighty Father, we ask all of you to help us bring the righteous hand of God down on the perverted queerfest that is UT’s Sex Week. Help me stop Satan from building a SEAT of power on UT’s campus, and help save the souls of your misguided peers.
Right now your state legislature, made up mostly of old men (and rightly so!), are fighting not only for your souls, but for the
I have heard SEAT is offering a class on AIDS titled, “Symptoms of Stigma: HIV/AIDS.” Why is this needed? Our former State Senator (who only lost his seat because his district’s voters decided to endorse Satan), the great Stacey Campfield, has already told y’all that AIDS came from men having queer sex with monkeys. And I think that’s all that needs to be said. Damn your scientific research
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PAGES 10-11
APHRODISIACS ON A COLLEGE BUDGET
TOP 10: WAYS YOU’LL GET BIG ORANGE SCREWED
THE QUIZ: WHAT SHOULD YOU CHANGE YOUR MAJOR TO NEXT YEAR?
BROKE BUT WANT TO SPICE IT UP DURING SEX WEEK? WE CAN HELP.
FROM BLACKBOARD TO THE BUS, THERE’S JUST NO WAY TO WIN.
WE ANALYZE EVERY PART OF YOUR LIFE AND HELP YOU DECIDE!
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APRIL 8TH, 2015 - APRIL 21ST, 2015
In His name, we pray. Our Father, who hates the gays, hallowed be thy name.
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PAGE THREE THE BLACK SHEEP’S LEGENDARY
WORD OF THE WEEK
80s CARTOON CHARACTER PORN STAR NAME?
PINTURNT UP When a girl makes all the booze recipes she finds on Pinterest and gets completely plastered.
HONDO MACLEAN
Becky made 8 cosmos, 3 martinis, and 5 rainbow colored shooters last night. She was so pinturnt up!
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Aphrodisiacs on a College Budget Taylor Croteau wrote this
Sex Week has arrived and there’s a lot of pressure to cook some awesome sexy-time meals for your awesome sexy-time partner. Unfortunately, most UT dining facilities don’t serve super-sexy dishes because they cost more than five cents to cook. You’re gonna have to get creative. Luckily, The Black Sheep has your back with some great alternative, affordable aphrodisiacs. Oysters are the all-time sexiest food, at least according to the internet. This really makes no sense since they’re totally nasty-looking balls of slime, but whatever. No one knows where you can actually buy oysters in a place as landlocked as Knoxville, Tennessee anyway. Fortunately you can easily achieve their aphrodisiac qualities from some Publix-brand fish sticks. They’re basically the same thing; they both came from the ocean (at some point) and are also totally slimy. Pair these with some ketchup instead of mignonette and you’re on your way to Bonetown. While you’re at PubMart, you might as well try to replace the super-sexy figs everyone’s talking about. Like the oysters, no one really explains why figs are supposed to be sexy; they just are. So go with it. Step away from the produce aisle though, nobody can afford that shit. There’s a nice pack of Fig Newtons on sale for $2.99 in the cookie aisle calling your name, and they don’t even have to be “cooked.” Do you cook figs? No one knows, don’t even try. After all that, get your ass over to Twisted Taco. You’re gonna need something spicy to go with
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those frozen sticks of “seafood” and Fig Newtons, so get some guac and salsa. Many people on the internet believe peppers and avocados are totally sexy, so you’re set. Plus, you can use your Dining Dollars, which are basically Monopoly money. By now you’ve exhausted yourself trying to keep up with these sexy time food trends and you’re thirsty as hell. Let’s face it, no wine pairs nicely with fish sticks and salsa. Normally for a basic week you could just get lucky with some cheap alcohol. But this is Sex Week – you need to branch out. Coffee is known for its many levels of sexiness, so stop by Starbucks and get a venti latte. It’s a huge turn on, especially if you’re trying to have sex with a really pale, white girl. You’ve made your way to dessert. This is where the all-powerful aphrodisiac gods lost their creativity and decided that vanilla ice cream and dark chocolate are the two sexiest desserts. Get yourself over to Cook-Out and get a vanilla milkshake, then take a shot of Hershey’s Chocolate Syrup (bitches love Hershey’s Chocolate Syrup). Remember when your mom wouldn’t let you drink it straight out of the bottle? That’s because mom didn’t want you turning on everybody in the room. When all is said and done, if you’re still headed home alone after offering all these sexy food options just remember your best friend: beer. You’ve probably still got a few bucks in your pocket; get yourself a six-pack and try to forget that you’re forever alone.
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Summer Expectations vs. Reality Alex Harward wrote this
All of your hard work during the school year (or lack thereof) is about to be rewarded with a three-month long vacation (unless you’re one of those chumps that actually takes summer classes). But we all know that setting high expectations can crash and burn with the harshness of reality. So The Black Sheep has your back with our Summer Expectations vs. Reality.
At some point you’ll probably also make a “summer bucket list” with tons of super exciting things on it. Go camping, go to a baseball game, watch fireworks, build a sandcastle, and lasso the moon. It seems like a great idea, but sooner or later you’ll give up and opt to nap instead and stalk your college besties on social media from the confines of you bedroom.
Let’s be real; everyone wants to spend their summer lounging by the pool or getting a natural, excessive tan at the beach. The warm weather draws us outside and gives us piña coladas with mini-umbrellas, but there is a dark side to the blessings of warm weather. Brace yourselves… it’s called a job!
You expect to spend time with your friends from high school too, but really, that ship has sailed. Everyone has their own agendas and, like it or not, they ain’t got time for you. At best you’ll probably go out to eat with them a few times, maybe stop by some sad excuse for a party, and hear everyone talk about how great their school is. So fun! Or you can just skip that bullshit and spend some quality time with your dog.
Whether you work at some slummy, minimum wage job or landed yourself an internship (more than likely unpaid), you won’t be enjoying the warm weather with everyone else. You’ll be confined to the inside of a dingy restaurant or a Staples, catering to the needs of the incompetent public. Even with the prestige of an internship, eventually you’ll be somebody’s bitch and have to make coffee runs and copy papers instead of playing beach volleyball.
Expectations can also be deceiving when you choose to stay on campus for the summer. Before the semester ends it might seem like a foolproof plan: take a couple of classes, maybe get a job (see paragraph 3), hang out with your friends, and get trashed on the weekends. Right? Wrong. A solid majority of the people you know will definitely go home for the summer, so expect your friendship pool to severely diminish. Friends are slim pickings over the summer, so brace yourself for that Spanish class you forgot
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about and a lot of solidarity at your apartment’s pool. Summers aren’t what they used to be. There’s work to be done as you prepare for the “real world.” Cringe. But don’t be afraid to let loose every once in a while and don’t be ashamed if you end up on Vol Blackout. That shit’s an honor, no matter what your mom says. It may seem that reality outdoes expectations every time, but go for the gold kids and have a great summer. We believe in you. But don’t call us if things go less than optimally.
THE TOP TEN
Ways You’ll Get Big Orange Screwed Think of every other school your friends attend. Do they have any phrase like “The Big Orange Screw”? No? Why do you think that is? 10.) Blackboard: You know that class you thought would kick your ass but you’ve had an A in all semester long? Yeah, the teacher just entered it incorrectly and Blackboard processed your A as a D. Good thing you’ll find out before it’s too late to use that W. Oh, wait… 9.) POD Markets Stop Restocking: This one doesn’t really change anything except the availability of blue books and green books. Stock up early so that you’re not sprinting across campus trying to find one 10 minutes before your final that’s worth half your grade. Also, where else do they expect us to buy chaser with Dining Dollars?
8.) The Construction: It starts this month on The Strip; if you’re a commuter, you might as well give up now. Cumberland Ave. will be anarchy – and not the fun kind. If your final is at noon plan on leaving your place around 8 or so… maybe even just camp out in front of the building the night before. 7.) Your Advisor: You always felt like they didn’t know what the hell they were doing. Maybe you found it a little odd that you had to take Philosophy 101 your senior year to satisfy a requirement for an engineering degree, but it’s just what your advisor told you to do. Now you’re 3 hours shy of graduating in four years. Have fun this summer! 6.) The Seal: The Black Sheep recognizes the absurdity of the idea of “the curse” that results from walking across the seal – the curse being that you won’t graduate in four years. Don’t be that 23-yearold at college house parties full of girls who were minors 6 months ago, wondering what would have happened if you just took the half-second to step to the side. 5.) A Bus: Sure, getting hit by one is pretty damn unlikely, but then again, this place seems to produce the impossible every year. From block parties that go horribly wrong, butt-chugging, firing coaches after one year, or the Tennessee State Legislature condemning UT students for Sex Week two years in a row… Really it wouldn’t be all that weird to get hit by a T bus. 4.) The Dining Halls: Still two weeks of school left? Tell that to PCB, as they narrow the buffet down to pizza, bread, and applesauce. They’re ready to pack up for the summer and they do not care about your gluten allergy. God help you if you’re only on a meal plan – get ready to lose some weight and endure a test of your strength while you’re starving and studying. 3.) Parking: You park your car on the street behind the baseball stadium on a nice, beautiful spring day. You finally find a damn spot on this campus… and then you get back to your car. Glass is everywhere and your windshield is gone. But at least you got a souvenir, you think to yourself, as you read the sign next to where you left your car that reads “park at own risk.” 2.) Exams: That’s right, despite the incredible odds, all your exams are scheduled on the same day. Again, nothing is impossible at the University of Tennessee (except for reliable Wi-Fi). You can frantically email your professors to ask for a different day for some of those finals, but there’s no guarantee they’ll be down with that. Tenure really goes to some of their heads. 1.) UT Internet Police: Believe it or not, UT traces all of those illegally downloaded songs to your laptop. You thought those stories of people pirating music on campus Wi-Fi networks were bullshit. Now you’ve committed a felony for 3 minutes of some trap music, and you’re Gone-zo Martin. Cory Chitwood wrote this
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ON THE STREETS WHAT ARE YOU MOST LOOKING FORWARD TO BETWEEN NOW AND SUMMER?
BRYNN
“Finals. Just kidding, nothing.”
SARAH
“Graduation.”
RACHAEL
“Being done with this paper.”
07
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5 Steps to Bullshiting Your Term Paper in 1 Hour Kat Vandelay wrote this
So you’ve put off doing your paper again. Only this time, it’s a semester-long term paper that there's no possible way you could finish an hour before a 9 a.m. class, right? Wrong! Before you get white-hot anxiety and contemplate cutting off your arm for a doctor’s note, work your way through this how-to guide to finish your long-ass paper in just one hour. Step 1: Throw away all your standards Before you sit down to start an hour of this shit show, prepare yourself to be disappointed. If you expect your fingers to magically pour out the next New York Times bestseller and still have time to stop in Starbucks before class, you’re going fail. Your main focus should be typing words that form a semicomprehensible sentence while keeping expectations for yourself as low as possible. Step 2: Answer the main question With over 100 papers to read at a time, the chances your professor is going to over analyze your introduction are slim. An introduction is basically a bunch of fluff that frames the ultimate purpose of your paper. Start off with a quote by someone famous in the field to hook your professor’s interest. After babbling on about the importance of this issue/ research/book, state your opinion as bluntly as possible so your professor knows you mean business. Your false sense of confidence will come off as impressive, trust us. Step 3: Befriend Wikipedia And no, you’re not going to blindly copy passages, dumbass. Take a gander all the way at the bottom of the Wikipedia pages. Two words: free bibliography. It can technically be argued that Wikipedia is a series of “peer-reviewed articles,” but all you have to do is reap the rewards of their hard work.
Step 4: Composing the body Click on one of the Wikipedia references. That’s your first paragraph. Read the first sentence or two and copy it down as the beginning of your first paragraph. To avoid plagiarism, quote the author of the article as much as possible. To seem like you’re truly researching the topic, make sure you restate the quote in your own words in the following sentence, even if you only change one or two words. As long as your professor believes you know what the hell you’re talking about, you’re golden. Repeat this process for 3-4 more paragraphs, depending on how fast you can click COMMAND+C and COMMAND+V. Step 5: Wrap it up Like the intro, your conclusion is just there to appease the powers that be and because your 5th grade teacher told you it was necessary. Like you, your professor just wants to get the gist of your paper and the conclusion is your place to show you did your “research.” Start by restating the purpose of your paper from the introduction. Then simply copy and paste the first sentence from each body paragraph to bring all the ideas together. Your last sentence should be the money maker. Spend the most time on this one killer sentence that will show how all of these ideas connect to the larger world. If you did it all correctly, you should have 40 minutes to focus on this sentence. Before you Kanye-shrug and deem this paper “good enough,” run through it with a rather wide-toothed comb. Agree with whatever spell-check tells you to do and polish up the the formatting with proper font, heading, margins, all the shit that really doesn’t matter. Once that’s done, you’ve successfully bullshitted your way through a huge paper. Print it out and give yourself a gold star. You did it!
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THE QUIZ:
WHAT SHOULD YOU CHANGE YOUR MAJOR TO NEXT YEAR? Take this quiz to find out what you should change your major to next semester. At the end of the quiz, tally up your points and head to the registrar’s office with your new major that you’re sure to enjoy a lot more than the one you have now. - Katelin Howell
Question 1: How often do you attend class each week?
Question 8: What’s the longest you’ve gone without taking a shower?
A. Every day! Why would I skip class? B. I think I attended class once, two weeks ago. C. Sometimes I’ll skip my morning class. D. All my professors take attendance, so I have to go every day. E. I go to most classes, but I’m usually hungover.
A. Maybe two days B. Two weeks C. A full month D. 12 minutes E. 24 hours
Question 2: What’s your favorite subject?
Question 10: How many times have you gotten drunk this semester?
A. Art B. Musical Studies C. Business D. Engineering E. Journalism
A. Too many to count. B. I’ve never tasted alcohol. C. Like… four times. D. At least once a week. E. An acceptable amount of times.
Question 4: What makes you the happiest? A. Shoe sales B. Happy hour C. Netflix D. Sunshine and fresh-cut grass E. Free food
Question 11: Who would be the best professor? A. Kanye West B. Robert Downey Jr. C. Helen Keller D. Napoleon Dynamite E. Coco Chanel
Question 5: What’s your biggest goal in life? A. Getting a job right out of college B. Marrying rich C. Pass my classes this semester D. Get into law school E. Show up to class sober, for once
A. Dazed and Confused B. Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs C. Sideways D. Mean Girls E. The Devil Wears Prada
Question 6: What can’t you live without? A. The Internet and Wifi B. My favorite pair of shoes C. My mom D. Nachos E. A mimosa to get me through the day
Question 13: Whom would you rather marry?
Question 7: What’s your favorite method of transportation?
ANSWER KEY:
1. A=1 B=5 C=3 D=4 E=2 2. A=5 B=3 C=4 D=2 E=1 3. A=5 B=3 C=4 D=2 E=1 4. A=3 B=2 C=1 D=4 E=5
20-36 Points: You Should Major In Popular Culture:
This is actually a major where you learn about movies, celebrities and anything and everything pop culture. Who wouldn’t want this major as a daily “effort”? When you change your major next semester you’ll be watching movies and TMZ every day.
A. Albert Einstein B. The Most Interesting Man in the World C. Jennifer Lawrence D. Your hot professor E. George Clooney
5. A=1 B=5 C=3 D=4 E=2 6. A=1 B=3 C=4 D=5 E=2 7. A=2 B=3 C=4 D=5 E=1 8. A=5 B=2 C=4 D=3 E=1
37-52 Points: You Should Major In Fermentation Sciences:
A major in learning how to make beer. You get to make the beer, you get to drink the beer. Basically, next semester you’ll have buzz every day in class and that’s totally acceptable. You’re one of the lucky ones. You actually learn a lot about science and biology, so it’ll be super beneficial.
Question 16: What do you wear to class? A. Workout clothes B. Pajamas C. My cutest outfit D. Whatever is clean E. Sperrys, short shorts and Greek t-shirts
Question 17: What job do you want after you graduate? A. Working at an atelier B. Manager at Chipotle C. Bartender D. Actor E. Living at my parents’ house for free
Question 18: What’s your favorite TV show?
Question 12: What’s your favorite movie?
A. Walking B. Biking C. Riding a unicorn D. Driving E. Teleportation
A. Instagram B. Snapchat C. Twitter D. Pinterest E. Tumblr
A. Taco Bell B. Sushi C. Anything that cures a hangover D. Pizza E. Ramen
Question 3: What major are you in right now?
A. Captain Underpants B. The Harry Potter series C. Does Sports Illustrated count D. Vogue E. I don’t reed, u dummy.
Question 15: What’s your favorite social media app?
Question 9: What’s your favorite thing to eat?
A. Eating B. History of fashion C. Sleeping D. Math E. Not going to class and watching Netflix instead
Question 14: What’s your favorite book?
9. A=5 B=3 C=2 D=1 E=4 10. A=2 B=5 C=3 D=4 E=1 11. A=1 B=2 C=4 D=5 E=3 12. A=4 B=5 C=2 D=1 E=3
53-68 Points: You Should Major In Apparel Studies:
Fashion and shopping are your favorite things in the whole wide world. Now, imagine of doing that for a living! Switching to this major next semester will get you prepared to shop for other people or design clothes for other people. But you know you’ll still be shopping for yourself, all the while getting paid to do it.
A. E! News B. Mad Men C. Cupcake Wars D. Project Runway E. Workaholics
Question 19: What do you like to do in your spare time? A. Go shopping B. Get high C. Watch movies D. Eat E. Get drunk
Question 20: What’s your favorite college holiday? A. Summer break B. Christmas break C. Martin Luther King Day D. Spring break E. Thanksgiving break
13. A=5 B=2 C=4 D=1 E=3 14. A=4 B=1 C=5 D=3 E=2 15. A=5 B=4 C=1 D=3 E=2 16. A=1 B=4 C=3 D=5 E=2
69-84 Points: You Should Major In Cannabis Cultivation:
AKA growing weed. AKA the best major ever. AKA you’ll be learning how to make your own weed. AKA never paying for marijuana ever again. Don’t be frightened if the DEA shows up to one of your classes next semester, just act natural. Be cool, man. You should be used to that.
17. A=3 B=5 C=2 D=1 E=4 18. A=1 B=2 C=5 D=3 E=4 19. A=3 B=4 C=1 D=5 E=2 20. A=1 B=3 C=4 D=2 E=5
85-100 Points: You Should Major In Food Science:
You know you love food, eating is basically the only thing you do all day anyway. After you change your major to this for next semester, you’ll get to eat to your heart’s delight, cook your own food, learn about different foods from around the world and basically get a degree in becoming a chef. Honestly, what could be better?
BARTENDER OF THE WEEK
ILYA AT COOL BEANS
Relationship Status: Taken Major: Russian and political science Favorite Drink: Jim Beam and Coke Favorite Shot: Tito’s vodka Disgusting Drink: Buttery Nipple Explain the most intense night you’ve had bartending at Cool Beans in a sentence: Wall-to-wall people after the 2013 Auburn vs UT game. Fireball or Jagermeister?: Jager, because it’s German. What movie character would you most like to post up at the bar?: Edward Norton from Fight Club, because he would be a cool dude to talk to. What’s something most
people find attractive about the opposite sex that you don’t understand?: A girl’s voice. Tell us a secret: I’m a Russian spy. Which food item do you find most phallic?: Cool Beans’ foot-long corndog, and you know why. If you and a talking animal could team up for a buddy cop TV show, what animal would you have talk?: A polar bear because it’s intimidating. What would you name your TV show?: Ilya and His Badass Polar Bear Why should people read The Black Sheep?: Because Phillip Redmon works for them.
THE DRINKING GAME
RECIPE FOR DISASTER
POST-LENT DISASTER
KOSHER CORN DOGS
So you gave up drinking for Lent like an idiot, eh? This week’s going to be one hell of a ride for your gut and your roommates. But tonight it’s time to take out your 40-day frustration on the place that put you in this bind to begin with. You’re going back to church to show them the mess they’ve created.
Oy vey! We’re in the midst of Passover and you’ve got a taste for corn dogs? Lucky enough, you’ve got The Black Sheep to help you out in making those bad boys kosher. They may not end up being corn dogs, but we guarantee you’ll have something in your dogs.
What You’ll Need: 30-rack of God’s greatest creation: beer, and penance for what’s about to happen. Number of Players: The father, the son, and your case of holy spirits.
What You’ll Need: Your favorite kosher food, corn meal, flour, sugar, baking powder, milk, salt, pepper and eggs, hot oil, tasteful imagination. Fatty Factor: It’s better than eating grandma’s matzo ball soup!
The Game Ends When: You cut the communion line and chug all the wine, burp, and yell, “ONLY GOD CAN JUDGE ME” then leave.
Let’s Get Baked: -Combine 1 cup corn meal, 1 cup flour, ¼ cup sugar, 4 tablespoons of baking powder and a dash of salt and pepper. -Add one cup milk and an egg to the above mix. You now have your batter. - Take your favorite foods (mine is pizza, so we’ll go with that) and prepare them as usual. - Once your pizza sauce and cheese are warmed up, mix them together. - Dip your pizza in the batter. -Place it in hot oil for about 3 minutes. - Let it cool down and eat away, guilt free (imagine that what you just made is not a pizza roll, but a corn dog instead.)
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Level of Intoxication: Your stomach will need its own salvation tomorrow morning. How to Play: - It’s been a few weeks, so start off with a cool 10 beers at home before you leave. - Make the pilgrimage to the nearest church and have your own tailgate on the front steps. - Drink twice for every sucker who walks inside. - By the time someone asks you to leave, you should be drunk enough to make them think you’re speaking in tongues. - Astonished, they will invite you inside. Drink every time someone yells out amen.
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page 13
WHAT YOU SHOULD REALLY BE DOING DURING FINALS WEEK 6 Rules Regarding Your Remaining Absences
April is almost over, which means the end of spring semester is nigh. But, before that glorious day, students must getCope pastwrote one last Austin thishurdle: final exams. Now why in the world would anyone want to read an article about finals? Well, this isn’t really an article about finals at all; in fact, it’s very much about avoiding anything to do with finals at all costs. Seems right up your alley.
Since you’re not going to be productive – again, you’re not studying for finals-- you have to find a way to pass the time. Hell, you’ve procrastinated your way through every semester up until now and you’ve done just fine…kind of. Remember, your parents don’t want you to succumb to peer pressure, and just because everyone is doing it, (studying) that doesn’t mean you have to do it too. Classes are over, which means you need to get your ass to a party, pronto. You’ve made it a whole semester filled with studying, stupid group projects and essays galore, and now it’s time to treat yourself with a party full of beer, music, dancing and denying you still have responsibilities. And think about how awesome everything is going to be: Volapalooza and Fort Sanders Fest will be this weekend, and even if you think Volapalooza will be lame, what with Tyga’s “Rack City” failing to dump those tens and twenties on your titties, think of all the amazing after parties that you could crash. Between classes and finals all signs point to partying. If you aren’t a partier there are plenty things for you to do as well, so you don’t skip straight to studying just because you don’t think we can talk you into doing something that’s both fun and alcohol-free; we made a deal, no studying, dammit. For instance, you could catch up on a lot of TV. You know those mutant friends who are somehow able to keep up with all their schoolwork while spending hours upon hours keeping up with all their shows. We know they suck, but now
TBS
By this time in the semester you’ve already spent most of your excused absences on things like being hungover, cleaning up before a parent visits, or stuck on a bad trip where you refuse to come down from the fridge until someone stabs that cat in the throat. Well good job, that’s what they’re for. For all you who still have a couple left, or those goodie-goodies who hoard them until the end, here’s a quick list on how to spend your STaFF WroTe THIS remaining free skips.
is the perfect time to catch up on all those amazing shows they keep Rule 1: No More Sick Days talking about like breaking bad, mad men offeel thrones. Or, Sure,and yougame may not up to attending class in your current condition. Yes, you’re vomiting and oozing from you could just choose to catch up withevery the Kardashians. you orifice on yourShould body, but at this point in the semester you’ll really regret using your skips like this. Drag choose to go this route, we’ll send youyourself a noose of and charge, youbutt to a chair—don’t even bother getting dressed or showering. You’ll look outfree of bed stick that know what to do. so bad you professors won’t expect you to participate. They’ll even let you take naps in class. Really they’ll just be glad you stopped vomiting.
Or, if you’re looking far enough ahead (remember, past finals) you Rule Sometimes Knoxville Rains Like It’s Trying to Drown Everyone could coax yourself into the gym to work on2:your summer bod. Not On those days you can just stay in and get cozy with some Netflix. Don’t even get out of bed. Binge-watch everyone had the opportunity to go somewhere super-awesome for whatever Netflix show all your friends have already finished so you don’t have to feel left out anymore. spring break, and many of those who lost out on the opportunity will go on a nice vacation following finals. Since society thaton Rainy Days Rule 3:our Don’t Wastetells Yourus Skips it’s just not right for you to go to the beach without a proper of If, on the other hand, you’reset a sunbather instead of a Netflixer, don’t waste your skips on rainy days. It’s starting to warm up gym and you want be embracing the sun and letting its warmth burn your skin just long enough to abs or flat stomach bared proudly, head to the and dotosome get sexy. So and headswim… out to the pool cardio, work on abs, check out the opposite sex, and byat your apartment complex, or down to the river for you shameless freshmen. “swim” we mean “tan by the pool.“
Rule 4: Sleep If you have any skips left for classes between 8 a.m. and 11 a.m.—really anything before noon—just sleep. But And if you’re thinking to yourself, “Man, I really to start studywho are weneed kidding? There’s no way you haven’t already done this, you lazy sack of genius. Turn over and go ing,” stop. Have you forgotten you also need to which catchofup back to solving thewith passengers on the USSR Flying Whale is trying to sabotage UFC Champion Jon friends? How many times did you blow offJones yourbefore friends Bones his fibecause ght tonight!
you had to do schoolwork instead? Is it more than zero? This is your Rulego 5: Do Something with Your chance to reconnect with your friends and on some awesome im- Skips Don’t just eat Bagel Bites, do something memorable! Maybe steal your friend’s dad’s Ferrari promptu adventures. Go on a safari through thelounge shadyaround side ofand KnoxWhatever you do, it’s more important than studying. Especially if it and drive it around; have lunch someplace expensive like Fleming’s and then skip out on the bill. All this before ville, or have a “who can take the longest nap” contest in Hodges. with “chicken” andatends withdowntown “carbonara” performing a rousing rendition of Thestarts Beatles’ “Twist and Shout” a parade that gets the whole Either way, it’ll be a whimsical adventure todancing… a faraway wheresimilarly exciting, but not necessarily from Ferris Bueller’s Day Off. crowd Orland something finals don’t exist and there’s nary a care in the world, besides gang Listen, these life experiences can teach you as much -- nary, more!— violence and night terrors. Rule 6: Ride the Lightning than any classroom setting can. If you and Leslie hadn’t gotten Go crazy. Run around in the sewers and grab people’s ankles. out Driveattothat a dairy farmhow and put funny hatshave on the shitfaced and made party, would you learned Challenge the Hodges bully who stealssexism three desks in the library and won’t share study space. He stole Or pamper yourself by taking the timecows. to eat good food, because about in modern America? Didn’t that twelve-hour nap teach the desk you and Diane were using to study and you didn’t do anything. You got punked and now Diane won’t your poor body has been living on Taco Bell and Cook-Out every you a lot about your circadian rhythm? Or what about the cooking, look at you! But tackling past demons you didn’t know you would encounter and getting the girl is what drunken night. Reward yourself with aneven actual meal. You don’t cook? who needs a degree when you can work as a fry guy at McDonalds? skip days are all about. Well, learn. Go on the internet and type in “food recipe, plz lol,” Screw studying, there’s a whole new world out there for you right Google may not get the last half of it, but firsthave partfun. is aThe shoe-in. Nowthe go and day you usenow! your sweet, sweet absences will put Max Keeble’s Big Move to shame.
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