The Black Sheep
FR EE a g ... l ra ike ff th iti e re ed ca adi mp ng us m ba ater th ro ial om in .
• a college newspaper that’s actually about college •
Volume 2, Issue 7 • 2/21/13 - 2/27/13
theblacksheeponline.com @blacksheepUTK
the dangers of sex week sarah russell wrote this
Friends, the incredibly blunt flyers in HSS aren’t lying – sex is coming to UT! “But wait,” you say, “I’m pretty sure sex has been around for a while…” True, sex has always been at UT, but Sex Week is brand new. It is fast approaching, like a whirlwind of hormones and fluids, sweeping up everything in its path and turning the University of Tennessee into a den of licentiousness and vice. Just kidding. Seriously, what could possibly go wrong with a week entirely dedicated to everyone’s favorite activity? What drawbacks could there be to openly celebrating the most natural of human desires? If your answer is “nothing at all,” pay attention next week, because at UT, a joyous and honest celebration of sex will inevitably bring more than a few problems with it. First, there’s the danger of litter. Not just any kind of litter – litter that is decidedly sticky and latex in nature. We’ve all seen them lying rather ironically outside the Catholic center, chucked into bushes, or filled up like water balloons. Imagine what will happen when they are being passed out on Pedestrian Walkway for free. We will never be safe walking through campus in flip-flops again. It’ll be like jellyfish washed up on the beach; only it’s cold mud instead of warm sand… and gooey condoms instead of sticky jellyfish. Then, there’s the fear that all that raging testosterone and adrenaline will cause people to choose less orthodox locations for their carnal encounters – like on top of Ayres, in the sauna at TRECS, or balanced carefully on the Big Orange Screw sculpture (because the pun is much too obvious to pass up). This is mostly a concern from a safety perspective, because safe sex becomes somewhat impossible when you’re about to fall from five stories -- Landing on top of a lamppost wasn’t exactly the poke she was looking for. Of course, there’s always “stranger danger,” when you happen to glare at the guy playing World of Warcraft with the volume up in the library, and he assumes that since it’s Sex Week you’re making eyes at him. Because obviously, Sex Week is synonymous with “Everyone have sex everywhere all the time with everybody else,” or, in WoW boy’s case, “The Week I Am Being Encouraged by a School Sponsored Function to Get Laid.” Ladies, be careful upon whom you cast
Top 10: Replacements for the Pope
We have some serious suggestions for the Vatican to consider.
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your gaze next week, as it could lead to more running than you had originally anticipated when you chose to wear stilettos to school. Finally, there is the worst fear of all that is almost guaranteed to come true: the angry protesters coming out in droves. You can bet your stack of free condoms that you will be subjected to enormous signs of aborted fetuses, men in beards screaming about the dangers of fornication, and people hurling Bibles in your face in the hopes that you’ll banish your birth control in favor of the Good Word. Yeah, right, what college student is going to hand over free condoms for a book he already has twelve copies of because those guys are unstop-
what'’s inside
pable? Of course, for even hosting Sex Week in the first place, the whole UT student body is most likely doomed to eternal damnation anyway, so can’t we just enjoy ourselves in the meantime? Nonetheless, we shouldn’t let these fears stop us from enjoying Sex Week and all the sensual pleasures it promotes. Sex is natural, exciting, and fun, and on a college campus full of intelligent and consenting adults, it’s only right to promote discussion and education about it. Litter and conservatives be damned – enjoy Sex Week as much as you want, because it’s hard not to smile when you get a free glow in the dark condom.
Parking Isn’t a Walk in The Park
Bartender of the Week
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We hope that parking pass looks pretty, because that’s all it’s good for.
Nick from Bonefish may not have ended up as an astronaut, but as a bartender he’s out of this world!
contents
Questions? Comments? Compliments? Insults? info@theblacksheeponline.com
page 4: On Dealing with @Volblackout and @Volmakeout
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Social media has overtaken everything these days, and nobody is safe.
pages 7: from the streets What kind of hybrid would come from a Batman/ Vampire mashup?
pages 10-11: Put Your Money Where Your Mouth Is
Table of
What do our Recipes for Disaster really taste like?
page 13: 6 Degrees of Separation Do you know how Tina Fey and Michelle Pfeiffer are connected?
page 14: The seek and find Can you find all the items on this messy-ass desk?
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page three p e e h S k c a l B e h T ile App
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Sexy Anagrams
When Melissa said, "Get in my box," this is not what she meant.
(Want to become famous next week?) Send us your pic of the week at pics@theblacksheeponline.com
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Do you know who these celebrity hotties are? Send your answers to anagrams@theblacksheeponline.com First five right answers get a prize!
SEX HUT IRON JUT last week’s answers
Malin Akerman & John Legend
word of the week Egocentrick: A delusional personality trait in which a loathed person perceives themselves as popular.
“When Kaylee invited herself to Jason’s party after he called her a bloated sea whore, we knew she was egocentrick.”
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theblacksheeponline.com
On dealing with @VolBlackout and @VolMakeout tennessee staff wrote this The average collegiate career around these parts lasts somewhere between 4 and 6 years, leaving us with, coincidentally, a 4-to-6 year window of forgetting awesome memories and indulging in random hookups while it’s still socially acceptable to do so. Every night taverns Knoxville-wide are filled with students chugging away the bane that is academia. People have recently been taking advantage of this truth, and exploiting students for the sake of humor and retaliation. Multiple pictures of people passed the fuck out or dry humping one another can be seen each morning, because we Vol hard throughout the week. And we love it. Upon seeing popular Twitter accounts such as @VolBlackout and @VolMakeout, the natural tendency for any partier is to check to see if they find a photo from that one night at Rumorz. Too bad there have been hundreds of photos uploaded. Still, many stupid freshmen and pledges galore end up with plenty of embarrassing photos. Imagine, a student sprawled out on the sidewalk in front of the dorms at 11:30 at night, their face completely recognizable, except for the dicks drawn all over it. That’s embarrassing. Some people are able to shrug off their ass hanging out of their dress while bent over the toilet at McD’s, but let’s face it – that
was a terrible picture of your ass and you should feel bad. If people are purposefully out to get you once you’ve put down that…what? 7th shot of tequila? How are you ever supposed to keep your guard up enough to not make the mistake of making out with an ogre? Wearing a costume every time you hit the strip is a surefire way to keep some anonymity, but people will start to note that the person always dressed up in some whack outfit is that same creeper who blacks out and starts Harlem Shaking with the bartender. The easiest way to avoid getting uploaded to @ VolBlackout or @VolMakeout is to not do anything to garner attention. But where’s the fun in that? We advise that you program your drunken brain to always be on the lookout for a camera flash. When that fateful time comes, be sure to make the most of it. Give the internet something to look at, the people looking at either one of these at 2 a.m. are far lonelier than you, and purposeful nudity always makes a bold statement. Do your signature buttcheeks spread to let everybody on the Twittersphere know it’s you and you don’t give a shit (hopefully.) Be proud! Be that girl that’s on @VolMakeout the most for blatantly making out with the most men, or always drunkenly ending up in weird places like on top of roofs or in a tree. Those
will make for good stories for your grandkids… and everyone on Twitter. And their grandkids too. Find a way to embrace the greatness that is @VolBlackout and @VolMakeout. Go for the gold. Reach for the starts. Attain other platonic statements. Get snapped making out with your TA or streaking through the Fort. Lick a homeless man. Get on the web. Hey, if you don’t plan on graduating college, who cares if there’s a documented history of what you did. Worse things have happened in the bathroom of a Dairy Queen, right?
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The
Top 10 Replacements for the Pope
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Now that Pope Benedict XVI is resigning, the world is left with a question: who will replace him and lead the Catholic Church? The Black Sheep has taken the liberty of coming up with a few suggestions for the folks at the Vatican to take into consideration. 10.) Sith Lord: It’s already been recognized by the internet community that Benedict strongly resembled a certain character from Star Wars. So why not make the change an easy one and transition slowly into someone kind of familiar? Yeah he’s a dark lord and all… but maybe with some religious intervention he can learn to be good. 9.) Shaq: First of all, we can make history by having the first black pope. Secondly, Shaq’s already saved the world from an alien invasion. His Space Jam skills could totally come in handy in such a high-up position as the popery. Not to mention the pope’s twitter would be a thousand times more entertaining. Pope Shaqtin’ a Fool, anyone? 8.) Nicolas Cage: C’mon guys, THE Nic Cage. Imagine what a boost Catholicism would get if he were pope. There would be a huge rise in converts - there’s already a subreddit dedicated to him as the one true god. Why not give him the worship, following, and reverence that the people so clearly believe he deserves? 7.) Beyonce: She flawlessly handled the pressure of a Superbowl halftime performance, has given confidence to single ladies everywhere, and has won 17 Grammys. Imagine what a powerhouse of a woman like that can accomplish in the Vatican?
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6.) Quentin Tarantino: Yeah, he seems to advocate violence in all of his films, but he has a cult following that would follow him to Catholicism. And maybe there are some morals in Kill Bill and Django that will serve him well as pope. Whatever, he was born in Knoxville, guys. He gets our vote. 5.) Smokey X: Our faithful mascot and symbol of the Vols. Although he is a dog, he already has a connection with the previous pope in that he has a Roman numeral after his name. And people have elected dogs as mayors and stuff, so why not pope? 4.) Finn from Adventure Time: He lives in some post-apocalyptic world where he fights evil and always stands for justice. Sounds like the epitome of a religious leader to us. 3.) Bill Gates: Founder of Microsoft and a leader in the charitable billionaire community, Bill Gates can be looked at as the super-wealthy Mother Teresa of today. He gives away millions through charity and seems to be a pretty nice guy. And maybe he’d design a robo-priest. Robo-priests have no emotion and aren’t attracted to little boys -- they’d be perfect! 2.) Oprah: This kind of goes along with Bill Gates. Basically, we have someone who likes to give away free shit to others, and helping those in need is definitely something the pope is supposed to do. Think of Oprah walking out onto that balcony thing, pausing, then, “I’m taking you all to VEGAAAAASSSSSSS!!!!” 1.) Mitt Romney: He lost the election, so maybe we should just give him this one. Here ya go Mitt, instead of being the leader of the free world, you can be the Mormon leader of Catholics everywhere. Yeah the Vatican is probably smaller than his house, but he can make do. He might instill some polygamy into Catholicism as well, and that’s never a bad thing.
Cat Holic wrote this
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Parking isn’t a Walk in the Park lindsey fleck wrote this What’s more frustrating than early classes? Parking on campus. This may seem like a problem for students that commute, but even non-commuters have their own set of parking woes. If you thought the only way UT could do the “Big Orange Screw” was academically, you were sorely mistaken, because you can just as easily be screwed over with parking. The Black Sheep has decided to share our super-awesome helpful tips with the public. Just so you know we don’t give a shit if you mess up and get a ticket. Student parking is a battlefield; it’s every man for himself. For commuter students there are a few particularly coveted parking lots: by McClung Museum, the lot behind the Communications Building and, if you are strictly Hill-bound, the 11th Street Garage is pretty awesome. To get those spots you need a few things, such as faith, trust and pixie dust (no, not cocaine). Oh, and you should add an 8 a.m. class to that list. While an 8 a.m. can be deadly to your sleeping needs and the general bane of your existence, it is the best way to guarantee you will get a good spot, as all the other lazy pieces of shit are enjoying their bed. Hooray for silver linings ! You also need to be mindful of signs that say “Staff Lot” or random white lines you don’t quite understand. It’s pretty hard to appeal a ticket by saying you didn’t know it was staff parking when you parked right next to the sign or shamefully tried to alter the sign with a Sharpie to read “Staff Lot, sometimes.” Note, though, that when 5 p.m. comes around staffing spots are free for all. Now the people-stalking rule comes into play, so get to the lot ten minutes beforehand and you should easily be able to snatch up a much sought-after professor’s spot. The TREC parking lot is sacred, but the 3-hour limit between 8a.m. and 5 p.m. has better surveillance than Fort Knox’s paranoid cousin. Those pokey little elderlies live to write tickets. They make rounds all the time taking pictures of the cars, and as that 3-hour mark approaches they have the ticket in their greedy little hand waiting to place it on your windshield. However, if it’s pouring down rain the little ladies won’t bother coming out because their frail bodies can’t
handle the bothersome weather. You can also trick them. You may have noticed a chalk mark on you back tire. This means they were watching you. Creepy? Yes, but that chalk is easy to wash off, so scrub it off and they will be none the wiser. If you’re a UT resident and you come back to your apartment complex after 11 p.m. on a weeknight, you’ll have a hard time finding a spot, as most students will have their cars nice and parked by then. Have your car waiting at the exit and pounce when students walk to their cars to leave. Or you could call your roommate to say your car broke down and you need their help. Then, when your roommate leaves to try and save you, you claim their spot as your own. Just don’t forget to call them a couple minutes later to tell them the problem was taken care of. A final problem is parking on game days. If a game is on a school night Neyland, the Communications lot, and the lot by the McClung Museum are where the spectators and students alike are allowed to park for $10. One way out of this is to say you have class, but sometimes the guards will give you a hard time and demand to know the class or the teacher. Be prepared to fight your battle, hell, you could even bring a copy of your “schedule” as proof. Parking on campus can be a bitch, and it’s a war a lot of us fight every day. Hopefully these tips will help our fellow students battle the Big Orange Screw, find legal parking spots for all, and sometimes even get to class on time.
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From the Streets Got a question you want us to ask? FTS@theblacksheeponline.com
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The Grid SPECIAL NIGHT
tuesday! 90.3 Presents: The Wild Feathers with Sonia Leigh, Live! Half Price Pint Night
thursday 2/21
The Whiskey Gentry, 10 p.m. Half-Off Bottles of Wine Until 10pm
FRIday 2/22 saturday 2/23
The Barstool Romeos CD Release Show, 10 p.m.
Aftah Party, 10 p.m.
Games on the Big Screens All Day!
tuesday: Trivia! $2 Domestic Drafts
FRIDAY! Presented by Night Owl Belfast 6 Pack | Inviolate | Scent of Remains | Satchel of Magma @ 90 Proof 18+ | 8:30 PM | $7 Door
THURSDAY! Presented by Midnight Voyage Productions FIGURE | Spooky Jones | Paerbaer @ NV Nightclub 18+ | 9 PM | $12 Adv | $15 Door
$2 Domestic Bottles
Bassface 19: Mantis | Syl-O | Breeblebox | Gizmo @ Southbound 18+, 8pm | $7 Adv., $10 Door
Presented by Midnight Voyage Productions FIGURE | Spooky Jones | Paerbaer @ NV Nightclub 18+ | 9 PM | $12 Adv | $15 Door
$2.50 Blue Moon Drafts
Presented by Night Owl Belfast 6 Pack | Inviolate | Scent of Remains | Satchel of Magma @ 90 Proof 18+ | 8:30 PM | $7 Door
Presented by Midnight Voyage Productions, Rapture Productions & WUTK 90.3 The Rock Midnight Voyage LIVE: Arpetrio | Magmablood | Dialectic Sines @ NV Nightclub 18+ | 9 PM | $7 Adv | $10 Door
Catch all the Games Here!
Dance Night with Ray Funk @ Southbound 21+ | 9pm Ladies free, Gents $5 after 11pm
Dance Night with DJ Eric B @ NV Nightclub 18+ | 9pm Ladies free, Gents $5
Call (865) 414-6050 to set up your private party!
Call (865) 414-6050 to set up your private party!
sunday 2/24
The Town Pants, 8 p.m.
$2 Domestic Bottles and Drafts, $5.50 Pitchers and Happy Hour Wells All Day. $0.50 Wings, $3.99 Cheeseburgers and Fries
monday 2/25
Keith Brown & The New Jazz Fourtet, Live! Half Price Pint Night
$5.50 Domestic Pitchers $0.50 Wings, Pitchers and Happy Hour Wells All Day
Check out carleoentertainment.com for upcoming events!
Check out carleoentertainment.com for upcoming events!
tuesday 2/26
90.3 Presents: The Wild Feathers with Sonia Leigh, Live! Half Price Pint Night
Trivia! $2 Domestic Drafts
Call (865) 414-6050 to set up your private party!
Call (865) 414-6050 to set up your private party!
WED. 2/27
Live Team Trivia - 8pm
$1.50 PBR Tall Boys
Check out carleoentertainment.com for upcoming events!
Check out carleoentertainment.com for upcoming events!
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The Grid Full Menu served nightly til 1:30am!! $4 El Jimador Tequila Every Day
SPECIAL NIGHT
Half Off Drafts after 9pm
ShowStoppa Entertainment Presents Marco and Cannon, 8:30 p.m. $2.50 Yuengling Drafts
thursday 2/21
Large Supreme or Veggie Supreme Pizza $14.99 + Tax Happy Hour 3-7pm: 50 cents off any beer; draft or bottle
Try any of our 30 craft beers on tap!
Home Made Wine with The Corbitt Brothers, 10 p.m. Drink Specials!
FRIday 2/22
Beer Bust Saturday! Free Drafts $5 Liquor Pitchers 35 cent Wings & Shrimp
Large Meatzaria or Veggie Pizza $12.99 + Tax
Come in and watch the game on our big screens!
Magic Hu$tle and Friends: A Rap Showcase Drink Specials!
saturday 2/23
Book Your Private Parties Here! 865-525-0004 rumorz@charter.net
Large 2 Topping Pizza $10.99 + Tax
Triva Starts at 8pm Brunch 10:30am - 3pm
Half Price Food All Day!
sunday 2/24
Book Your Private Parties Here! 865-525-0004 rumorz@charter.net
Large 1 Topping Pizza + Breadsticks $10.99 + Tax Happy Hour 3-7pm: 50 cents off any beer; draft or bottle
Last Monday of Every Month: 5 Course Beer Dinner
Open Mic Comedy, 9pm, FREE! Free queso or salsa with a tab.
monday 2/25
Book Your Private Parties Here! 865-525-0004 rumorz@charter.net
Large Windy City Pizza $11.99 + Tax Happy Hour 3-7pm: 50 cents off any beer; draft or bottle
$2 Drafts
Einstein Simplified Improv Troop 8pm, FREE Acoustic Show: Josiah Atchley, 10pm, FREE $5 Burgers
tuesday 2/26
Book Your Private Parties Here! 865-525-0004 rumorz@charter.net
Any Medium Pizza $10.99 + Tax Happy Hour 3-7pm: 50 cents off any beer; draft or bottle
Half Price Bottles of Wine All Day Until 10PM
“A Night at the Cheese Shop” Interactive Vaudeville Game Show with music by Meen Old World, 9 p.m. $5 Nachos, $5 Dickel Tickles
WED. 2/27
Beer Bust Saturday! Free Drafts $5 Liquor Pitchers 35 cent Wings & Shrimp
Thursday: Large 3 Topping Pizza $11.99 + Tax Happy Hour 3-7pm: 50 cents off any beer; draft or bottle
College Night Thursday! $5 Pitcher of Beer and Free Buffet till 11 Karaoke Starts at 11 All new $5 Margarita Liquor Pitcher $1 Wells, $2 PBR tallboy Beer Pong Tourney!
Large 3 Topping Pizza $11.99 + Tax Happy Hour 3-7pm: 50 cents off any beer; draft or bottle
FREE BEER! $5 Liquor Pitcher ($3 Add Another Shot) $3 Wells, $3 Apple Pie Moonshine, $3 24oz Natty & Keystone $2 PBR & Highlife Tallboys
WEDNESDAY! Half Price Bottles of Wine All Day Until 10PM
where your
mouth is Each week, under our Bartender of the Week feature, we publish a small article, “Recipe for Disaster.” In it, we outline a means of preparing drunk food that caters to your average student. Well, we decided just making up recipes was bullshit—real chefs taste their food! At least, that’s what Tom Colicchio tells us.
poptartilla Ingredients: Two tortillas, two blueberry Pop-Tarts, extra-crunchy peanut butter, strawberry jam Preparation Time: 6 minutes Flavor: 3.5 Texture: 4.9 Ease of Eating: 3 Ease of Preparation: 4 Ease of Clean-Up: 2.5
So here we have six recipes, both normal and bizarre, that have ran in that wacky feature. We had all of our full-time staffers try them, rating each six items in five categories scaled 1-5, 1 being the worst, 5 the best. Some were amazing, some ah-mah-zing, others, well, we’d tell you, but there’s still some puke left in the darkest recesses of our stomach.
Notes: We found love. -The Poptartilla turned out much better than any of the judges expected. Some questioned how the tortilla would mix with the processed Pop-Tart, others, whether the consistency would be too weird after a couple of bites. These fears were unfounded. The tortilla posed no threat, and the texture was spot on. - As the above pictures suggest, the Poptartilla is a visually stunning culinary masterpiece, sure to impress any wastoid foolish enough to accompany a The Black Sheep reader home to “watch Anchorman.” Beyond that, the tortilla offers easy eating opportunities. Not only does it look nice, it’s easy to shove down your throat, easier than his tobacco-stained tongue, at least. - However delicious the Poptartilla may be, it sure does poach one’s throat. A huge gravity bong rip always gives the late-night muncher a mean case of cottonmouth, and the peanut butter all but assures a choking hazard as it tries to slide down that dehydrated highway. - Sloppy drunks should be wary of preparing the Poptartilla. For maximum flavor, the tortilla should be warmed in a skillet, and the Pop-Tarts toasted in the...the toaster. Both of these present serious burning risks to those lacking full-body control.
ghetto fab chow mein
Ingredients: Chicken-flavored ramen, two hot dogs, green onions, a red bell pepper, lettuce, tomato • Preparation Time: 13 minutes • Flavor: 2.1 • Texture: 2.25 • Ease of Eating: 4.5 • Ease of Preparation: 1 • Ease of Clean-Up: 1 Notes: - Do you like ramen? Of course you do, you’re a college student, and it’s the best meal twenty cents can buy. Well, how about you throw out the MSG flavor explosion, add some of your precious veggies, a hot dog and spend twice as long coo…HEY! GET BACK HERE AND FINISH READING THIS HUMOROUS QUIP! - But really, the Ghetto Fab Chow Mein is almost certainly more trouble than it’s worth. An amateur chef has a hard enough time boiling water, sautéing veggies, and cooking hot dogs at the same time. Force
them to do this intoxicated, and all of a sudden, spending the last six dollars on a Jimmy John’s sub is a much better proposition. - The best use of Ghetto Fab Chow Mein is for wooing that lusty little beast you randomly made out with on the walk home. Visually, the noodles mixed with juicy red meat and a variety of veggies promises the promiscuous person a meal of a lifetime. Since everything tastes better drunk, (s)he’ll be fooled by the visuals. Your resulting visuals won’t be so bad.
inferno walking taco Ingredients: One can of chili, three small bags of Fritos, sour cream, lettuce, tomato, green onions, and mozzarella cheese Preparation Time: 4 minutes Flavor: 4.1 Texture: 4 Ease of Eating: 3.6 Ease of Preparation: 5 Ease of Clean-Up: 5
Notes: WTF, right? - Eating doesn’t get much easier than opening a bag that has food in it, putting more food in said bag, then eating food out of the bag. Ever see a commercial that claims “X” can be done if the user “just adds water”? Well, the Inferno Walking Tacos are the “just add water” of delicious food, minus water, plus fat and meat. - Once everything’s in the bag, you’re set. Think about it; if a drunk suddenly needs to up and run from the fuzz, no need to put anything in a bag, it’s already in a bag! And a bag in a bag?! College kids can’t afford that many bags. Need to throw it away? Just put the bag in a garbage bag. “But I thought you said I shouldn’t be putting bags in bags?” you say? Exception proves the rule, son. - The only real knock to the Inferno Walking Tacos is, the eater has to get down there and really find those Fritos. While the other ingredients taste good, the texture, sans-chip, is unpleasant. - If there was a diarrhea factor, this would get a 5.
Fluffernutter Cookies Ingredients: One cup extra-crunchy peanut butter, one cup marshmallow fluff, one egg • Preparation Time: 28 minutes • Flavor: 4.4 • Texture: 2.7 • Ease of Eating: 2.1 • Ease of Preparation: 2.5 • Ease of Clean-Up: 1
Sticky-icky-icky.
Notes: - Our Recipe for Disaster called for baking these cookies for fifteen minutes. For this to work, the cookies need to be portioned out to Oreo-sized cookies, or they will not bake all the way through in this period of time. -If you’re stupid enough to make four large cookies (see left), be prepared to have a… wait for it…sticky situation on your hands! Marshmallow fluff is sticky, so is peanut but-
ter. So is undercooked sugar. - We’re still not quite sure why egg is to be used in this. Does one really need a binding agent if there’s no flour and two sticky ingredients involved? (Note: The answer is no.) -The above failures aside, the cookie actually tasted pretty good, as peanut buttery and marshmallowy things are wont to do. One taster noted chocolate chips would be a wonderful addition. Sure. Why not?
bbq nachos Ingredients: Tortilla chips, cheddar cheese, colby-jack cheese, green onions, Sweet Baby Ray’s barbecue sauce Preparation Time: 3 minutes Flavor: 2.4 Texture: 2.6 Ease of Eating: 3.9 Ease of Preparation: 5 Ease of Clean-Up: 3.5
Notes: -The biggest compliment one can pay to BBQ Nachos is that they’re easy to make. Chips— hobos can afford chips—plus a few condiments, and one has a snack that is, well, not good, but edible. - Drunken peoples should avoid using dangerous appliances; this is fact. Sure, this rules out obvious enemies like the food processor and the Rotato, but there’s the always-dangerous oven. What if one falls asleep using it, causing a fire? Or burns their hand badly, meaning no masturbation for weeks? Well, the microwave is safe, but not for the food. We popped our BBQ Nachos in there for two minutes—about a minute and a half too long. The chips were hard and the cheese way overdone.
the lent buster Ingredients: Two blueberry Pop-Tarts, one pint chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream, one Snickers bar, a handful of hot dog-flavored potato chips, a handful of original potato chips, chocolate syrup, two shortbread cookies, one cupcake, a handful of Cheerios, one can of Coke Zero, a handful of pretzels, ice, a splash of vodka. • Preparation Time: 7 minutes • Flavor: 1 • Texture: 0.5 • Ease of Eating: 3.3 • Ease of Preparation: 4 • Ease of Clean-Up: 2 Notes: - All those ingredients went in a blender for about ten seconds. The end result was a cold slurry of salty-sweet slop that looked and smelled like throw-up. - There’s an old saying about camels: A camel is a horse designed by engineers; the idea being, a camel is a bunch of good ideas poorly applied. If this analogy holds true, the Lent Buster is liquid diabetes created by malevolent assholes with early-onset Type 2 diabe-
tes. Does a small item of food have more than 100% the daily suggested sodium or sugar intake? Throw that shit in there, son. - Though it was mostly a thick, grainy paste—ostensibly easy to consume—the Lent Buster scores low marks for being so visually and olfactorily disgusting. It was like drinking an ugly hobo milkshake. - When drinking the Lent Buster, one could chew on wet potato chip. It was not pleasant.
Hard cheese, not pleased.
- We re-cooked a smaller batch for 45 seconds, and this batch of BBQ nachos were good, which is the apex of this snack’s potential. Do you like salty things? Sweet things? Cheesy things? Congratulations, so does everyone else! The line ends around the forever.
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bartender of the week nick b. bonefish Drunk Munch Food: Jimmy John’s Favorite Movie: V for Vendetta Favorite Book: I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell Favorite Videogame: FIFA Favorite Beer: If I’m buying, it’s Yuengling. Favorite Drinking Game: Circle of Death Favorite Sports Team: Go Vols, baby Dreamjob: Astronaut Best part of bartending: Meeting people Pet Peeve: Moochers Signature Drink: A double whisky
the drinking game:
recipe for disaster:
Congratulations – it’s award season once again! The red carpets, the celebrities, the performances… the list of nonsense winds on and on. One of the most anticipated award shows of the season is of course the Oscars; however, one cannot forget the other events that are to follow. Such shows include The Country Music Awards, the MTV Movie Awards, the TV Land Awards, the Tonys, the Bronys, and our favorite, the AVNs.
As if pancakes weren’t already good enough, beer makes them even better. Pancakes and beer go together like Bobby Brown and Whitney Houston; it just makes sense. Start your day off in the best way with some beercakes for that essential morning pregame.
award season
What You’ll Need: Hard booze, cheap beer, and a bloated ego. Number of Players: As many as can fit around your crappy living room. Level of Intoxication: Somewhere between Lindsay Lohan and pre-rehab Mickey Rourke How to Play: - Decide beforehand on the nominees whom you think will win or whom you want to win. - Take a drink anytime someone is asked who they are wearing. - Take a shot anytime a celebrity shows up without their partner. - Anytime someone you pick wins, choose one person to take a shot. - If your nominee loses, chug for five seconds. - Take a shot every time a winner thanks god. - Waterfall for the first 30 seconds of each tribute. - Take a shot anytime a winner is cut off by music. The Game Ends When: People have an existential meltdown as to the concept of award shows and worshipping celebrities… or people just stop paying attention because all the relevant awards have been handed out.
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beercakes
What You’ll Need: 1 can of your favorite beer, 1 teaspoon of salt, 2 cups of all-purpose flour, 2 beaten eggs, 1/2 cup of white sugar, 1/4 cup melted butter, 1 teaspoon of baking powder, and cooking spray. Cook Time: 15 minutes. Fatty Factor: Depends on if you’re using light beer or not. Let’s Get Baked: - In a large bowl stir together the flour, sugar, baking powder and salt. - Add the eggs, beer and melted butter to the mix. Stir until mixture is blended; a few lumps is fine. - Heat a skillet coated with cooking spray over medium heat. Spoon the batter out over the skillet using either a 1/3 or 1/4 cup measuring cup. - When the beercakes start to bubble, flip them over until the other side is browned. - Pour your favorite syrup over the beercakes and eat ‘em while they’re hot! They taste a lot better going down than they do coming up, so eat wisely.
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