The Black Sheep
FR EE a g ... l ra ike ff th iti e re ed ca adi mp ng us m ba ater th ro ial om in .
• a college newspaper that’s actually about college •
Volume 2, Issue 7 • 2/21/13 - 2/27/13
theblacksheeponline.com @blacksheepUTK
the dangers of sex week sarah russell wrote this
Friends, the incredibly blunt flyers in HSS aren’t lying – sex is coming to UT! “But wait,” you say, “I’m pretty sure sex has been around for a while…” True, sex has always been at UT, but Sex Week is brand new. It is fast approaching, like a whirlwind of hormones and fluids, sweeping up everything in its path and turning the University of Tennessee into a den of licentiousness and vice. Just kidding. Seriously, what could possibly go wrong with a week entirely dedicated to everyone’s favorite activity? What drawbacks could there be to openly celebrating the most natural of human desires? If your answer is “nothing at all,” pay attention next week, because at UT, a joyous and honest celebration of sex will inevitably bring more than a few problems with it. First, there’s the danger of litter. Not just any kind of litter – litter that is decidedly sticky and latex in nature. We’ve all seen them lying rather ironically outside the Catholic center, chucked into bushes, or filled up like water balloons. Imagine what will happen when they are being passed out on Pedestrian Walkway for free. We will never be safe walking through campus in flip-flops again. It’ll be like jellyfish washed up on the beach; only it’s cold mud instead of warm sand… and gooey condoms instead of sticky jellyfish. Then, there’s the fear that all that raging testosterone and adrenaline will cause people to choose less orthodox locations for their carnal encounters – like on top of Ayres, in the sauna at TRECS, or balanced carefully on the Big Orange Screw sculpture (because the pun is much too obvious to pass up). This is mostly a concern from a safety perspective, because safe sex becomes somewhat impossible when you’re about to fall from five stories -- Landing on top of a lamppost wasn’t exactly the poke she was looking for. Of course, there’s always “stranger danger,” when you happen to glare at the guy playing World of Warcraft with the volume up in the library, and he assumes that since it’s Sex Week you’re making eyes at him. Because obviously, Sex Week is synonymous with “Everyone have sex everywhere all the time with everybody else,” or, in WoW boy’s case, “The Week I Am Being Encouraged by a School Sponsored Function to Get Laid.” Ladies, be careful upon whom you cast
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We have some serious suggestions for the Vatican to consider.
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your gaze next week, as it could lead to more running than you had originally anticipated when you chose to wear stilettos to school. Finally, there is the worst fear of all that is almost guaranteed to come true: the angry protesters coming out in droves. You can bet your stack of free condoms that you will be subjected to enormous signs of aborted fetuses, men in beards screaming about the dangers of fornication, and people hurling Bibles in your face in the hopes that you’ll banish your birth control in favor of the Good Word. Yeah, right, what college student is going to hand over free condoms for a book he already has twelve copies of because those guys are unstop-
what'’s inside
pable? Of course, for even hosting Sex Week in the first place, the whole UT student body is most likely doomed to eternal damnation anyway, so can’t we just enjoy ourselves in the meantime? Nonetheless, we shouldn’t let these fears stop us from enjoying Sex Week and all the sensual pleasures it promotes. Sex is natural, exciting, and fun, and on a college campus full of intelligent and consenting adults, it’s only right to promote discussion and education about it. Litter and conservatives be damned – enjoy Sex Week as much as you want, because it’s hard not to smile when you get a free glow in the dark condom.
Parking Isn’t a Walk in The Park
Bartender of the Week
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We hope that parking pass looks pretty, because that’s all it’s good for.
Nick from Bonefish may not have ended up as an astronaut, but as a bartender he’s out of this world!