The Black Sheep
fr Oba ee...li ma ke p c a- re sc hav what ripti e fr do y on d ee p ou m rug ain s kil ean w unde ler e w r s? on’ t
Vol. 3, Issue 7
The College Newspaper That's Actually About College
10/10/13 - 10/16/13
Hiding the bodies: Your Guide
to a Successful Fall Break BY: Austin McLaurine School can be too much at times, and here at UT, students like to really let loose on holidays. Or any given weekend, for that matter. But for the purpose of this guide, we’ll focus on the school-sanctioned breaks. With great partying comes the risk of greater felonies. These situations are unavoidable (unless you stop drinking, so... yeah, unavoidable) and The Black Sheep is here to help you out with planning your Fall Break. Let’s assume you want to go camping in the Smokies. Due to the government shutdown, you won’t be able to legally camp at your site since Congress decided to just drop everything and to play Grand Theft Auto V until they get bored. No worries! Proceed with your plans as if the government actually cared about what you wanted! The sneaking in part is up to you; there are numerous ways to distract the one park ranger they left to guard the place, such as a well placed forest fire, weaponized ants, or leaving kiddie pools full of honey throughout the wilderness. Two nights is the most you’ll want to stay, especially with the ensuing destruction. At this point, start to party! After who-knows-how-many bottles of $5 whiskey and that bag of peyote that guy who just sort of “showed up” brought, things will start to get a little fuzzy. During this time, the lone park ranger will probably catch you, but this is completely normal. Also during this time, you may drunkenly kill that same park ranger in a drunken, drug-fueled haze. If things start to get a little dark and depressed because of the lifeless body that has now joined your friend circle, put some sunglasses on it to lighten the mood. This will convince any bystanders who happen upon your group to believe that the corpse is still alive and is just one of those “wear sunglasses at night” type of people. Plus, if you start playing music really loudly, he might start dancing. It’lll seem that the weekend has flown by at this point, mostly due to the copious amounts of backwoods meth your group indulged in. By this time there might be more casualties, some even from your group. In fact, go ahead and plan for someone in your group to die. In the instance someone does die, cut up their Vol Card (to protect from identity theft and such — you’re not monsters) and dump their body far away from the campground, or maybe in that kiddie pool full of honey. Cover
your tracks with assorted twigs — law enforcement officers rarely follow up on those “dead guy in the woods” cases, so you should be fine. The ranger from before can be left at your site. Police won’t initially think he’s dead (the sunglasses will throw them off ) and will hopefully pin the whole thing on him. After you have cleaned up your campsite via gasoline and matches, head home. You now have a successful fall break under your belt! Readjusting to campus life after such a weekend will be tough, but you’ll
get over it pretty quickly since you’ll have trouble remembering what exactly happened. Likely, you will be approached by authorities at some point — can’t avoid ‘em forever! Your best route is to rat on one of your friends and claim they held you at gunpoint the whole time. If all else fails, cut all ties to everyone you know and bounce town. It was worth it. Hopefully this will give you some insight on how to do Fall Break right. In the case that the government decides to start doing stuff again, all of the aforementioned is optional.
page 5
page 6
page 13
Words from a Street Preacher
Top 10: Ways to Show you’re truly a VFL
UTPD Undercover Job reveals shocking news
This man has a few things to say to you, you sinner.
Do you have what it takes to be a Vol forever?
• Keep Up With Us! • @BlackSheeputk• theblacksheeponline.com •
Did you know UTK is a dry campus? LOL.
>>
Meet the Staff <<
campus manager Austin Owen
campus director Quinn Myers
Editorial manager Emily Hagenburger
owner Atish Doshi
Advertising Managers Alyssa Watson
Founders Atish Doshi, Brendan Bonham, Heather-Jo Erickson, Jimmy DeBlasio, Jessica Sommers, Quinn Myers
Writers Mary Moss, Katie Vaughn Birdii Haumschild, Austin McLaurine
Owned & Operated By: Black Card Media, LLC 2130 W. Potomac Avenue Suite 1, Chicago, Illinois 60622 Contact Corporate: 217.390-1747 For Advertising: 608.712.0900
Disclaimer: The Black Sheep in no way promotes, encourages or supports binge drinking, and/or under-age drinking.
Questions? info@theblacksheeponline.com
Distribution manager Kelley Rieder Social media manager James Ballard
This newspaper is designed for entertainment purposes only and does not recommend attempting anything printed in this publication.
Advertising? ads@theblacksheeponline.com Hate Us? lame@theblacksheeponline.com
Please drink...responsibly and legally.
Follow us! @blacksheepUTK â&#x20AC;˘ theblacksheeponline.com
looking for an internship? Marketing, Ad Sales, Writing, and more! Get experience doing something you love!
Apply online today! theblacksheeponline.com
Tweet Us @BlackSheepUTK
#goodtimes
You’re the most beautiful girl I’ve ever laid eyes on...
so I don’t know why you spent 45 minutes last night plucking your eyebrows in your bedroom.
Seriously?
DON’T MESS AROUND WITH
#BADTIMESMAN
Tweet us your creepiest, most hilarious, most perverted, most raunchy (or all of the above) pick-up lines to @BlackSheepUTK #BadTimesMan If yours proves to be the weirdest, you’ll win a prize and be featured in next week’s issue!
Word
Tweet Us @BlackSheepUTK
Crampage You know, periods and stuff. “Sally went on a crampage when her Midol wore off in the middle of her three-hour chemistry lab.
of the
Week Guess The Mascot Tweet Us @BlackSheepUTK First right answer wins a prize! Last Week’s Answer: Georgia Tech’s Buzz
The Black Sheep
Celebrity Before & After Just like Jeopardy!, our before and after asks you to pair two unlike things, sharing only a word. Because we’re as vapid as the rest of you, a celebrity name will always be involved. Tweet your answer @BlackSheepUTK and use #goodtimes for a chance to win a prize!
Calcifer’s voice actor, floating around in one of these mineral monstrosities. Last Week’s Answer: Robert Smith & Wesson
BUY ONE PIERCING, GET ONE PIERCING FREE! 25% OFF ANY TATTOO OVER $100 (WITH COLLEGE ID) LOCATED 1.5 MILES FROM CAMPUS HEALTH DEPARTMENT SCORE IS ALWAYS 100! 3405 Chapman Hwy., Knoxville | (865) 247-5678 | fb.com/HARDKNOXTATTOO
read more online TheBlackSheepOnline.com
Words From
a Street Preacher By: Austin McLaurine Everyone’s favorite time on campus is finally upon us! Is it fall, you say, what with the numerous campus trees starting to change color and the lower amount of backsweat you get on the trek to class? No, the best of times is when the corner of the Haslam Business Building is full of opinionated, self-ordained street preachers. Nothing unites a crowd like being scathingly angry at one individual, especially one who just stands there taking punishment and dishing it back out in a red-faced fury. The Black Sheep has managed to locate one of these enlightened individuals; he goes solely by “Fleece.” We asked him a few a questions and just let him ramble. The Black Sheep: What are your views on education? Fleece: Education... maybe thirty years ago it was ok, but now they’re teaching that evolution stuff and that just makes me sick. Whenever I see a teacher walk by I make sure they know they’re furthering Satan’s agenda. When they ignore me or somehow manage to miss my yelling, well, that’s when I hurl my handwritten Bible at them — by the way if you’re interested they’re $25 a pop. They realize they’re wrong and usually run away, and if they stop to argue I know it’s just Satan speaking through them, so I ignore them and yell louder. UT is corrupt, all the way to the top. To
bypass the decrepit, morally bankrupt education system, I took it upon myself to educate myself with schoolbooks from colonial America. TBS: If I drink any alcohol at all will I go to hell? F: Any good, God-fearing person knows that the moment alcohol touches his lips he is as good as demon food! You even think about it, and you might as well burn up, right there on the spot! *Fleece took a moment to sip from an unmarked container at this point. I come out here to show these students how to correct their pagan ways. The only way to do that is to scream as loud as the horns in Heaven about all the ways they’re living wrong as they passively walk past me. Even if they don’t acknowledge me, I know they take my words to heart. Their bowed heads and lack of eye contact might as well be an act of bowing to the word of the gospel flowing over them.
demon girl named Miley desecrating the airwaves with something you heathens call “twerking.”Watching TV is just as bad as killing someone, in my book. Obviously I don’t count, since I’m just surveying this world to make sure I don’t fall into the trap of the enemy. I leave the TV on for most of the time due to this reason. The only TV shows that the good lord allows are The Andy Griffith Show, Leave It To Beaver, and Breaking Bad.
TBS: How do you feel about the current state of the media? F: The media is controlled by Satan and his minions! When I turn on the TV I see sex, violence, and some
TBS: What advice do you have for the students here at UT? F: My only advice to the students is to wake up! Stop going to class, and start educating yourself on the evils of this society. Your roommate is trying to poison
NOCCR to offer study for healthy men Are you male and between the ages of 18-55? If so, you may qualify for a research study at NOCCR testing an Investigational medication. Those who qualify may be compensated up to
you with the wickedness of the world and you have to fight back! Throw things at them! Do whatever it takes! Constantly remind all of your friends of their wickedness. This will obviously bring some heat upon yourself, but if you just remind yourself of how righteous you are, none of it will matter. I’ve found that I sleep easiest when people are hurling bricks at my house, because instigating anger in others means I’m doing something right. And there you have it folks, an in-depth look into the red, sweaty face with the “Jesus is ashamed of you” posters. Enlightening stuff indeed.
y r e v E ic riday! s u M Live ay and F d s r u h T
Join us every Tuesday for agave azul’s ladies night Drinks from $3.85 to $4.50 • Tequila Tasting with Reservation
$2,600 for their time and travel. To find out if you might qualify please call 865-305-DRUG or 865-305-3784 or visit NOCCR.com. NOCCR is located in the UT Medical Center. 4405 Kingston Pike • Knoxville, TN • agaveazulmexicangrill.com
How To Go About Your Day with a
raging hangover By: Katie Vaughn
Drink a ton of water: Immediately when you get up, on the way to class, during class, after you puke in the bathrooms of the Student Center — you need to continuously drink water. All you want is a Coke, something greasy, and darkness but you have to do it. It may or may not save your life when you’re walking to the Communications building a million miles away in this nonsensical pre-winter blistering heat. Wear sunglasses and a hat: Wear sunglasses on the way to class, then trade out the sunglasses for a hat when you’re sitting in lecture. You don’t want to be the weirdo wearing shades inside (unless you’re still drunk, in which case do what you gotta do, buddy), but having a hat in class does
06
Top
Ten
Ways to Show You’re Truly a VFL By: UTK staff
#GBO and #VFL gets dropped on the reg, but what do they really mean? Are you bound to be a Vol forever, no matter what the Vols may come to represent? Well, in case you didn’t know all the contractual aspects of claiming to be a VFL, the rules and regulations are outlined below.
If you haven’t been in this situation yet, then you must live under a rock: Wednesday night comes around and you have no academic responsibilities until the following week. You go ahead and make the all too wise decision to rage your face off because tomorrow should be an easy day, and without a care or lick of homework in the world, you can just zombie your way through classes all day. You’ll be fine! Of course you’re wrong, but things always make more sense after splitting a bottle of wine at Sunspot. Why must we put our brains and bodies through such things when we know full well we have to show up and be alive for classes the next day? No one really knows, but it keeps happening even after you promise yourself that last Wednesday was the last wine night (until fall break). If you’ve taken part in these activities, here are some ways to get through an awful day of school with a mad hangover.
The
10.) Complete commitment to the Vols: If one claims to be a “VFL,” he/she must hate whoever is not — Florida, Georgia, other Tennesseans… you must hate these people even if their your own blood. You bleed orange, and they bleed red… if they even bleed at all! 9.) Agree with all financial matters considering the Vols: If one claims to be a “VFL,” he/she must donate to the university to oblige Jimmy Cheek’s pay raises in order to maintain his exotic collection of golden-plated Persian cat statues. 8.) Thou shalt not commit voldultery: If one claims to be a “VFL,” he/she can never betray their allegiance to supporting the Vols in all that they do, even if there has been a 10-year losing streak in any particular sport. Yes, even Quidditch. 7.) Bleed orange: If one claims to be a “VFL,” he/she must always make sure no one sees blood leave their body without hastily and secretly adding yellow food coloring to the inflicted wound to make the blood appear orange, as is befitting a true VFL. 6.) Hate Lane: If one claims to be a “VFL,” he/she is obligated to send hate mail to Lane Kiffin and his family, at least once a week. 5.) Belittle other fans: If one claims to be a “VFL,” he/she must confront taunts from other non-VFLs with ruthless attacks on their physical features, character, or obese family members to the point of tear production from the opposition. 4.) Suit up: If one claims to be a “VFL,” he/she is obligated to wear the school colors and like it, including the new occasional gray, every game day to show visual support for the Vols.
two things for the hungover masses: One, a perfect, albeit shameful, veil to hide your sweaty, bloated face. And two, a nice makeshift puke bucket, just in case that last glass of red wine unexpectedly erupts, and you don’t want your classmates thinking you just puked blood all over Ayers. Bring snacks: Sometimes our collegiate selves don’t think far enough ahead to realize that twenty minutes into a fifty minute lecture our insides are about to devour themselves because we haven’t eaten since before ripping those shots of Sailor Jerry’s twenty hours ago. Bring anything, a sandwich, crackers, or the fattest burrito Cool Beans can roll. Preferably crackers, because if you’re caught eating crackers people might assume you’re “too busy” for lunch instead of still kind of drunk and wanting to die. Don’t look at your phone: Any sunlight exposure hurts with the fire of a thousand suns, and looking down at your phone has about the
same effect. The light from the screen is not only piercing, but it also serves as a death clock, constantly reminding you how slow each minute passes by as you try to harness the urge to spew everywhere.
3.) Thou shalt not worship any other quarterbacks besides Peyton: If one claims to be a “VFL,” he/ she must keep a shrine to Peyton Manning in their house at all times and give it the proper tribute to invoke the spirit of ’98 before every game.
Nap: No, don’t nap in lecture because then you will for sure be pinpointed as the useless sack of vodka in the third row. Take naps in between classes, even if it’s only for fifteen minutes under the flaming statue in Circle Park. It will seriously change your outlook of your dreadful day if you get a chance to rest your dumb head for a little while. If you haven’t ruined a day in the middle of your week by drinking hard the night before, it will eventually happen. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but definitely as soon as you turn 21. When you go on that endeavor, make sure to follow these tips so you don’t give up on drinking all together, and instead fill such mornings with empty promises to do so, just like everyone else.
2.) Complete loyalty to Tennessee leadership: If one claims to be a “VFL,” he/she will continue to support the Vols regardless of if the university is taken over by an evil communist dictator who commands the nuclear engineering program to attack other rival SEC universities, which actually, that’s not a bad idea. 1.) Voltendance: If one claims to be a “VFL,” he/she is obligated to actually attend more than 4 sporting events per semester. And remember, if you say you’re a VFL once you become a student at the University of Tennessee then transfer schools or drop, you’re a pussy and a traitor. Reconsider your allegiance and make sure you can uphold the honor of being a VFL, otherwise you’ll pay the consequences of being called an unfaithful dick.
Around campus LICKING STUFF EDITION
We tweeted out a request to send us pictures of you licking something. and boy, are we glad we did.
on the Streets If you had to move one part of your body to another part of your body, what would it be?
Chris
“I’d switch my left and with my right hand, just to see what that’s all about.”
Evan
“Beer gut to beer butt.”
Nick
“I’d put my legs on the side so I could master the crab walk.”
07
If you don’t start following us...
YOU WON’T KNOW WHAT’S SO DAMN FUNNY.
@BLACKSHEEPUTK Scan to go right to the page!
The Grid
BLACKSTOCK Tuesday: Ladies Night! Drinks are $3.85-$4.50 Tequila Tasting with Reservation
FRIDAY: The Ragbirds, 10pm
Sunday! JACKYL, 7pm
SATURDAY: It’s Football Time!! $2.50 20oz Yuengling and Bud Light Drafts
Thursday 10/10
Live Music
Dead Winter Carpenters, 10pm Half-Off Bottles of Wine Until 10 pm
For tickets and more info: blackstocklive.com facebook.com/blackstocklive
$2 Domestic Bottles, $0.50 Wings Thursday Night Football Package
Friday 10/11
Live Music
The Ragbirds, 10pm
For tickets and more info: blackstocklive.com facebook.com/blackstocklive
$2.50 20oz Miller Lite and Shiner Bock Drafts
Saturday 10/12
Karaoke until 3am!
Brendon James Wright and The Wrongs, 10pm
For tickets and more info: blackstocklive.com facebook.com/blackstocklive
It’s Football Time!! $2.50 20oz Yuengling and Bud Light Drafts
SPECIAL NIGHT
Sunday 10/13
$2.50 Kids Meals
3-Star Jubilee Presents 2 Country 4 Nashville, 8pm
JACKYL, 7pm
NFL Football Package! Watch your favorite team here and enjoy $0.50 wings all day, $2 bottles and drafts all day and $5 double wells!
Monday 10/14
Tequila Tasting with Reservation
Swamp Candy, 10pm Half Price Pint Night
For tickets and more info: blackstocklive.com facebook.com/blackstocklive
$5.50 Domestic Pitchers, $0.50 Wings Monday Night Football Drink Specials!
Tuesday 10/15
Ladies Night! Drinks are $3.85-$4.50 Tequila Tasting with Reservation
Keith Brown and The New Jazz Fourtet, 10pm Half Price Pint Night
For tickets and more info: blackstocklive.com facebook.com/blackstocklive
$2 Domestic Drafts, Team Trivia at 9pm, Drink Specials During and After
Wednesday 10/16
Taco Night! $1.75 Tacos Tequila Tasting with Reservation
Live Team Trivia - 8pm
For tickets and more info: blackstocklive.com facebook.com/blackstocklive
Pint Night! $2 All Drafts, Whiskey Wednesday Specials
He knows the cheapest drinks in town and more drinking games than you could ever play.
Our Mobile App Is Your New Best Friend
ble for Available for iPhone and Android • Download for FREE today! Availa
Availab iPhone and Android - Search Black Sheep Mobile • Download for FREE today!
The Grid
Everyday: Happy Hour! 11AM - 8PM $1 off beer & wine, $1.25 off mixed drinks
Happy Hour Monday-Friday 11am-7pm: $1.50 Budlight, Miller Lite and Yuengling draft, $1 off bottles and 25% off bottles of wine
TUESDAYs and Wednesdays: All You Can Eat Buffet 11am - 2pm, $6.99
WEDNESDAY: Half Price Bottles of Wine All Day Until 10PM
WELL SPENT NIGHTS: Midnight to Close, Sunday through Thursday $2 Domestics, $3 Craft Beers, $4 Shots, $5 Margaritas Half-Price Appetizers
SPECIAL NIGHT
Happy Hour 11-8 Ladies Night Specials 4pm-10pm: $2 Mich Ultra Drafts & Bottle, $2 Blue Moon Drafts & Bottle, Half Price Glasses of Wine, Half Price Margaritas, Half Price Pinnacle Flavored Vodka 4pm-close: Half Price Apps for Ladies Only
$2 Pinnacle Vodka, $2 Domestic bottles and drafts, $4 Jack and Jim NFL Thursday Nights: $12 Domestic Buckets, $3 16oz Aluminum Bottles, 35 Cent Wings
Large 3 Topping Pizza $11.99 + Tax
Half Off Drafts after 9pm
EveryMen, 7pm, $5 Love Animals, Keep Quiet and Daddy Don’t, 10pm, $5
Thursday 10/10
Happy Hour 11-8 TGIF: 11-8pm Fish & Chips for $9.99
11am-7pm: $1.50 Budlight, Miller Lite and Yuengling draft, $1 off bottles and 25% off Wine bottles
Large Supreme or Veggie Supreme Pizza $14.99 + Tax
Try any of our 30 craft beers on tap!
Shonna Tucker (formerly of Drive By Truckers) and Eye Candy with Hotshot Freight Train, 10pm, $5 Rocky Top Comedy Contest, 7pm
Friday 10/11
Happy Hour 11-8 11-8 pm: $7.50 Domestic Pitchers, $10 Specialty Pizza, $5.99 Nachos, $5.99 Burger & Fries, $0.75 Wings
Game Day Specials: $2 Vol Drafts - Drink the beer, keep the cup until 5 or when game ends! $6 Domestic Pitchers until 5pm
Large Meatzaria or Veggie Pizza $12.99 + Tax
Come in and watch the game on our big screens!
Zombie Walk After Party: Harley Poe, La Basura Del Diablo and The Big Bad, 9pm, $6
Saturday 10/12
All Day! $12 Domestic Buckets, $3 16oz Aluminum Bottles, 35 Cent Wings
Large 2 Topping Pizza $11.99 + Tax
Triva Starts at 8pm Brunch 10:30am - 3pm
WELL SPENT NIGHTS: Midnight to Close, Sunday through Thursday $2 Domestics, $3 Craft Beers, $4 Shots, $5 Margaritas Half-Price Appetizers
Sunday 10/13
Comedy Con Queso Open Mic Comedy, 9pm, FREE $2 Drafts, $4 Shots, Free Queso All Day
Monday 10/14
Einstein Simplified Live Improv Show, 8pm, Free Travis Niceley, 10pm, FREE! Service Industry Night! $1.50 Domestics, $2.50 Craft Beers, $4 Shots, $3 Queso, $5 Nachos
Tuesday 10/15
Happy Hour 11-8
College Night: Valid all day w/ student id $10 One (2/4) Topping Pizza, $.75 Wings & $5.99 nachos, $5.99 Burger and Fries, $2 Domestic Drafts, $5 Domestic Pitchers $4 Vol & Cherry bombs, Grape Shooters $5 Cosmos
Happy Hour 11-8
Greek Night! Show Your Letters! $10 One (2/4) Topping Pizza, $.75 Wings & $5.99 nachos, $5.99 Burger and Fries, $2 Domestic Drafts, $5 Domestic Pitchers, $4 Vol & Cherry Bombs, Grape Shooters $5 Cosmos
DURING NFL GAMES: $12 Domestic Buckets, $3 16OZ Aluminum Bottles, 35 Cent Wings
Wine Tasting Tuesdays! Happy Hour 11-8 For $9.99 come take a tour through 8pm-Close: $2 Domestic Drafts our hand-picked White or Red $5.99 Cheese Quesadilla ALL DAY Wine selection 10pm-Close: 50% Off Apps Plus Wednesday is half priced btls. of wine! Wine Down with us! 1/2 off bottles of wine WED 865Dnb, Starting at 9pm, 18+
Last Monday of Every Month: 5 Course Beer Dinner
Large Windy City Pizza $11.99 + Tax All You Can Eat Buffet 11am - 2pm, $6.99
$2 Drafts
Any Medium Pizza $10.99 + Tax All You Can Eat Buffet 11am - 2pm, $6.99
Half Price Bottles of Wine All Day Until 10PM
Matt Woods Video Release, Pete Stein, 8pm, $5
WELL SPENT NIGHTS: Midnight to Close, Sunday through Thursday $2 Domestics, $3 Craft Beers, $4 Shots, $5 Margaritas, Half-Price Appetizers
Wednesday 10/16
Wine Down Wednesday
Happy Hour 11-8, 9pm-Close: $2.50 Domestic Bottles, Half Price Wine Bottles, & 2 for 1 Glass of Wine, 4pmClose: Half Price Specialty Pizza 10pm-close: Half Price Apps
Large 1 Topping Pizza + Breadsticks $10.99 + Tax
$4 Deep Eddy Vodka Cocktails
The Top 10
Awful, Unfunny Twitter Accounts Your Dumbass Friends Are Following (and How to End Your Friendships With Them)
Running a Twitter account is hard. Trying to come up with witty things to say and relevant jokes to make is not as easy as the handsome, well-endowed and talented folks at The Black Sheep make it look. However, despite the best intentions of those with actual senses of humor, Twitter is populated by a number of “comedy” and “parody” accounts that have an endless supply of followers. If your Twitter feed has ever become infested with terrible attempts at topical jokes, puns and memes, it means one of your friends has caught the Parody Plague, and it’s time to cut him loose. Here, we’ll detail some of the worst accounts on Twitter, accounts so bad that ending your friendship over them would be more than justified.
Read on to see the first five most obnoxious Twitter accounts!
Next Week: The crème-de-la-crème of crap: the top-five worst accounts on Twitter.
Dishonorable Mentions:
@TotalSratMove • @_DosEquisMan, @FauxJohnMadden • @The_HelenKeller, @ItsBadLuckBrian • @SenTedCruz
10. @chuck_facts
WORST of the WORST
9. @OhWonka
8. @WolfpackAlan
WORST of the WORST
WORST of the WORST Terminal, communicable disease-based humor is a surefire way to prove that you’re an insensitive asshole with the intellect of a poorly raised child. It is 2013. That means that Chuck Norris “jokes” have been around for eight years, and have not been funny for seven-and-a-half of them. The entire premise is “Chuck Norris Does Absurd/Impossible Thing” and that’s literally it. That’s the entire joke. It may be kind of worth a sly grin the first couple of times you hear one, but after the sixth time you hear that “Chuck Norris pushes the Earth down when he does pushups” you should make like the terrible Chuck Norris joke reference on Family Guy and punch that person in the face. This account is only ranked so low because it sticks to its principles and does not branch out, which is kind of the point of a parody account. However, it’s here because it’s terrible. How to End the Friendship: Tell him or her to “talk to the hand” and leave. Because that’s another totally modern and relevant insult that didn’t become oversaturated six months after you first heard it or anything.
When in doubt, homophobia is always a great substitute for actual wit and humor! Ugh, our first image macro-based account. Image macros exploded in the world of internet culture and into the mainstream sometime between 2009 and 2012. The world is a far, far worse place because of it. Any actual attempts at humor by particularly uncreative individuals can now be placed on a picture in Impact font, and scores upon scores of brainless morons will share it. It’s a real case study in just how low we’ve sunk as a society. The Condescending Wonka idea certainly isn’t the worst in theory, but in practice it proves that people don’t even care about the proper use of an image macro, as long as it has some generally relatable and unfunny bullshit spit onto it. Whoever runs this account has forgotten what condescension actually is (or, more likely, had no idea in the first place because they are a humorless shitsack) and replaced it with middle school-level insults towards a general audience. If you’re following this account, we hope you are filled with intense levels of self-hatred, because if not we’re more than willing to fill in the gaps for you. Gene Wilder deserves better than this. How to End the Friendship: Write, “Oh, you thought we were friends? Well then you followed this stupid fucking Twitter account and made me realize that you are unfunny and miserable” on a picture of Johnny Depp’s Willy Wonka. That should do it.
Gibberish and nonsense phrases are inherently funny because I’m so alternative and random, I should put this tweet next to my Invader Zim picture on my MySpace in 2006! The Hangover was kinda funny in 2009. It wasn’t the “funniest movie ever made” as some made it out to be, but it had plenty of solid moments. Of course, every minor cultural experience requires a Twitter “parody” account, and Zach Galifianakis’ Alan is no exception. Except this isn’t a parody account. In fact, does anybody on Twitter know what parody means anymore? This account tweets random recycled garbage that relates to either 15-year olds who aren’t popular in high school or those who are having their first experience with humor and are wholly incapable of judging the comedic merit of any one attempt to be funny. It’s the same stupidity that every parody account pumps-and-dumps and that their armies of brainless followers will retweet without second thought. It doesn’t even ATTEMPT to write in character or anything. It makes “topical” jokes about Justin Bieber and Twilight and “MIND = BLOWN” linkbait posts. That, plus the wonderful plethora of racism and slut shaming make this account wholly abhorrent. How to End the Friendship: Invite your friends over, and when they all come walking through the door, tell the offender “Not you, Fat Jesus” and slap them in the face.
7. @UberFacts/@WTFFacts, etc. If you have a great thirst for knowledge and the IQ of a gnat these accounts are perfect for you, as they not only make sure all of their facts are easy-to-digest exercises in stupidity, but they usually just make shit up. The word “fact” is used about as loosely as the word “parody” on Twitter, and these guys epitomize that. For every post that is actually a legitimate, reputable, provable piece of information, there are six that prove that sad lonely losers in the 11th grade are truly the greatest people on earth and that all the popular kids are secretly neo-Nazis who will eventually live in trailer parks. Notice a trend? Preying on stupid people and immature high school kids, and reposting the same stuff as everyone else on top of it, makes for a knockout Twitter account follower-wise, and a complete dearth of intellect and humor on your timeline. This account is a one-trick pony, except the pony is filled with shit and every time you try and ride it; it tries to give you a lobotomy. They may not be as bad in terms of attempts at humor as others on this list, but they have one thing few other terrible accounts do: they’re verified. Twitter found it within them to verify this pillar to the sheep-like nature and general stupidity of the average person. Incredible. How to End the Friendship: Just tell them that you read on Twitter that your friendship increases your likelihood of an early death, and that it has to be true because it’s on the internet.
Ah yes, subjective bullshit stats about high school pettiness. The ultimate fact if we’ve ever seen it.
6. @Lord_Voldemort7 Harry Potter is one of the most incredible cultural phenomena of all time. Between absurd book and movies sales, career-making roles for many of it actors, and the cult-like devotion of its most loyal followers, the story of The Boy Who Lived is one that has permeated our culture. A Twitter account pretending to roleplay as Tom Riddle himself was created to tweet about things that are completely unrelated to the Harry Potter universe, the next obvious step in a natural progression. If this account stuck to tweeting stupid shit about Harry Potter for people who cannot seem to escape their own childhoods that’s perfectly fine and inoffensive, but it recycles the same faux-relevant jokes everyone else does most of the time, and people retweet it because “OMG VOLDEMORT SAID SOMETHING ABOUT RIHANNA,” because people are stupid. Over two million followers watch some idiot masquerading as a (dead) fictional character as he tries to relate to every special snowflake who thinks they’re the only person who “hates everyone.”
Ah yes, Justin Bieber and Chris Brown are the exact type of topics that The Dark Lord Voldemort would tweet about if he had a Twitter handle. Bonus abuse humor, because battering women is always funny!
If your obsession with Harry Potter has gotten to the point where your main source of humor must come from a Voldemort role-play account, you should probably find a hobby, because you’re a hyper-obsessive weirdo. The added terribleness of this dumpster fire of a Twitter account making references to Mean Girls, Twilight, The Hunger Games, and Nickelback take it from being awful and stupid and weird to a world-class atrocity. If you follow this account you deserve eternal suffering. How to End the Friendship: Kill their parents.
Bartender of the Week Relationship Status: In a relationship Major: Social work
What fictional hero would be a dick if he was real?: Loki.
Favorite Drink: Patron Favorite Shot: Blueberry lemon drops Disgusting Drink: Jäger What’s the best thing about fall at UT?: Football What’s the worst thing about fall at UT?: The crowds What grammar error are you continually guilty of?: Saying you did “good” instead of “well.”
Autumn of Tin Roof Drinking Game Wrecking Ball It’s the insane bastard child of a torrid affair between beer pong, flip cup, dizzy bat and Jenga. No, we’re not asking you to get naked and dance around like Miley. We’re just asking you to get drunk. What You’ll Need: 42 Solo cups, 3 ping pong balls, 2 baseball bats and one perfectly flat table Number of Players: 6 Level of Intoxication: Somewhere between “lampshade over head” and “lampshade in bed.” How To Play: - Set the cups up like 21-cup beer pong, filling the cups with a reasonable amount of beer. - Split up into 2 teams and pair up with someone on the opposite team. - Decide who starts by shooting the balls like regular pong until someone makes a cup. - When a player makes a cup, he and his partner both grab a cup from their respective triangles. - These two players then play a 1-cup game of flip cup. - If the shooter’s partner wins, then both cups are returned to each teams’ triangle and refilled. - If the shooter wins, then his team refills their cup and returns it to their triangle. The partner’s team must stack their cup upside down on their side of the table to make a standing pyramid with a base of 6 cups. - If your stack falls at any point, you must rebuild it and everyone on your team takes a shot. - Continue to play in this fashion, rotating players until one team has a full standing pyramid.
- When the opponent’s stack is complete, the player on the winning team who made the last cup gets a chance to win the game. The player must grab one of the baseball bats and spin around 8 times, with his head on the bat and the other end of the bat on the floor. He then has 3 seconds to pick up a ping pong ball and throw it at the enemy stack. - If he knocks down 15 or more cups, then his team wins! - If he knocks down fewer than 15 cups from the stack, his team must all take a shot. - As soon as the shots are finished, another player on the team can begin spinning around the bat to try again. This process repeats until 15 or more cups have been knocked down. - In the event that fewer than 15 cups were knocked down on the first throw, the opposite team has an opportunity to catch up. They can run to the other side of the table, drink their opponents’ remaining cups, flip them, and stack them. They can start spinning on their own bat and then throwing at the other team’s stack.
The Game Ends When: One of the teams successfully knocks down their opponent’s stack, hopefully without hurling everywhere.
download our free app for all the games! 12
If you had to eat five pounds of one item, what would you choose to eat?: Pizza.
In the far future when aliens discover earth, what modern object will they think is a sex toy that is not a sex toy?: The electric toothbrush. What’s the weirdest Wikipedia page you’ve ever read?: Buttchugging. What message would you like to convey to your arch-enemy?: “Go screw yourself.” Why should people read The Black Sheep?: I’m in it.
Recipe for disaster Chicago Style Taco The Windy City deserves the nickname, what with Chicagoans bloviating endlessly about what should go on a hotdog and what shouldn’t. Guys, it’s a meat casing stuffed with raccoon assholes, chill out for a second. Still, they’re A-ok in our book for inspiring this gem. What You’ll Need: Taco shells, hot dogs, hot peppers, sweet relish, chopped onions, pickle spears, a tomato, and mustard. Cook Time: 15 minutes Fatty Factor: The Superfans weren’t exactly skinny. Let’s Get Baked: - Preheat the oven to 200 degrees. - Chop the onions. - Slice your tomato. - Once preheated, place the taco shells in the oven for 7 minutes. - Cook the hotdogs in the microwave for 2 minutes. - Remove the taco shells, place one hot dog in each taco shell with a pickle spear on top. - Add onions, relish, peppers, tomatos and mustard as desired. Seriously though, no ketchup.
nomnomnomnom theblacksheeponline.com
download our free iphone and android app
UT Alert: UTPD Undercover job reveals shocking news By: The UTPD A three-year investigation by the UTPD has finally come to a close. For countless weekends we have been diligently following the acts of UT students, pondering over their odd behavior. It has come to our attention that UT students have taken part in the consumption of alcohol leading to questionable sexual activity, financial loss and, in extreme instances, shitting their pants. This investigation has consumed countless hours of police work, which explains our lack of work in any other capacity other than writing parking tickets. This sacrifice pales in comparison to what was uncovered. These are the results of our findings. People are still drinking before, during, and after UT football games. It’s a dry campus, people! The thousands of empty airplane bottles gave us suspicion, but when our undercover gave us a half-time status update at the Georgia game as “hella fucked up an about to go pee like a fire hose,” followed by a series of Snapchats of his penis wearing a hat, we had all the proof we needed. When people think of UT fans, they think of sober, law-abiding citizens, and we want to keep it that way. The next few games UTPD will really be cracking down on enforcing complete sobriety, adding breathalyzers to every entrance, exit, and port-a-potty. Though UT expects attendance to drop by 97%, we call that results. Also, our work tells us that the people eating at Cook-Out at any given
time are pretty much assumed to be intoxicated. This came as a particular surprise as Cook-Out, being a Christian establishment that sells high-quality food at reasonable prices, just doesn’t seem like it would be marketing itself to the wild herds of drunkards that roam the Strip. After a careful analysis of Cook-Out traffic we concluded that 34% were high, 37% were drunk, 21% were drunk and high, and the other 8% were small children, although their sobriety is still in question. Since this revelation, the FDAA has labeled Cook-Out as a gateway drug. UTPD will be screening everyone prior to their order starting next week, and if enforced, Cook-Out has stated they plan on filing bankruptcy soon after. Given the lack of vacant lots on the strip, we’re confident another suitable business will take residence soon, maybe a Waffle House. Now that’s a respectable business. Finally, fraternities are still hazing and drinking copious amount of alcohol. After the butt-chugging incident of 2012, which was the biggest national scandal since Bill Clinton got blown from a fat chick, we figured this issue would work itself out. Our undercover pledge failed 2 out of 3 of his engineering classes, and has since decided to switch to sociology, apparently because he “finds it more interesting.” He claims when he wasn’t drinking, he was pre-drinking ,or “pre-gaming” in local slang. UTPD is particularly concerned with this news because of the apparent direct correlation between alcohol consumption and temptation to butt-chug. President Obama has stated that if another
butt-chugger is sent to the hospital, an additional 73 pages will have to be added to the Obamacare document to explain how to handle it, and how to determine whether the insurance claims should lie with the butt-chugger, the fraternity, or the manufacturer of the plastic tube which was stuffed deep into the chugger’s rectum. Our findings have proven to us that we need to step it up in order to keep school safe from the young and rampant genitalia boozing itself up and running wild around campus and the surrounding area. UTPD will be implementing more laws surrounding local establishments where students go to hit on other hooligans or to attempt self-inflict amnesia due to the most recent horrible loss by the Vols. More information to come via UT Alert.
read more online TheBlackSheepOnline.com
wordsearch
Extinct Animals
Yukon Horse Violet Macaw Heath Hen Great Auk Teratorns Tule Shrew Sea Mink Eastern Elk Camelops Dire Wolf
Glyptodon Pelorovis Bluebuck Quagga Dodo Red Rail Red Gazelle Greasefish Bay Thrush Emperor Rat
answer key
KNOXVILLE’S BEST BEER SELECTION!
COME ENJOY 96 BEERS ON DRAFT
L I V E M U S I C N I G H T LY OPEN
check out our rooftop patio at the new location
2200 cumberland ave
7 DAYS A WEEK!
mondays $4 cocktails w/ deep eddy vodka tuesdays $2 drafts* wednesdays half off all wines thursdays half off drafts* after 9 pm
COME UNWIND WITH FRIENDS! We invite you to enjoy great food, craft beer, pool tables and live, local music at Barley’s.
865.637.4663 www.sunspotrestaurant.com *excludes high-gravity
THE HISTORIC OLD CITY 200 E. Jackson Ave. Knoxville, TN 37915 www.barleysknoxville.com • 865-521-0092