The Black Sheep
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Vol. 3, Issue 7
The College Newspaper That's Actually About College
10/10/13 - 10/16/13
Hiding the bodies: Your Guide
to a Successful Fall Break BY: Austin McLaurine School can be too much at times, and here at UT, students like to really let loose on holidays. Or any given weekend, for that matter. But for the purpose of this guide, we’ll focus on the school-sanctioned breaks. With great partying comes the risk of greater felonies. These situations are unavoidable (unless you stop drinking, so... yeah, unavoidable) and The Black Sheep is here to help you out with planning your Fall Break. Let’s assume you want to go camping in the Smokies. Due to the government shutdown, you won’t be able to legally camp at your site since Congress decided to just drop everything and to play Grand Theft Auto V until they get bored. No worries! Proceed with your plans as if the government actually cared about what you wanted! The sneaking in part is up to you; there are numerous ways to distract the one park ranger they left to guard the place, such as a well placed forest fire, weaponized ants, or leaving kiddie pools full of honey throughout the wilderness. Two nights is the most you’ll want to stay, especially with the ensuing destruction. At this point, start to party! After who-knows-how-many bottles of $5 whiskey and that bag of peyote that guy who just sort of “showed up” brought, things will start to get a little fuzzy. During this time, the lone park ranger will probably catch you, but this is completely normal. Also during this time, you may drunkenly kill that same park ranger in a drunken, drug-fueled haze. If things start to get a little dark and depressed because of the lifeless body that has now joined your friend circle, put some sunglasses on it to lighten the mood. This will convince any bystanders who happen upon your group to believe that the corpse is still alive and is just one of those “wear sunglasses at night” type of people. Plus, if you start playing music really loudly, he might start dancing. It’lll seem that the weekend has flown by at this point, mostly due to the copious amounts of backwoods meth your group indulged in. By this time there might be more casualties, some even from your group. In fact, go ahead and plan for someone in your group to die. In the instance someone does die, cut up their Vol Card (to protect from identity theft and such — you’re not monsters) and dump their body far away from the campground, or maybe in that kiddie pool full of honey. Cover
your tracks with assorted twigs — law enforcement officers rarely follow up on those “dead guy in the woods” cases, so you should be fine. The ranger from before can be left at your site. Police won’t initially think he’s dead (the sunglasses will throw them off ) and will hopefully pin the whole thing on him. After you have cleaned up your campsite via gasoline and matches, head home. You now have a successful fall break under your belt! Readjusting to campus life after such a weekend will be tough, but you’ll
get over it pretty quickly since you’ll have trouble remembering what exactly happened. Likely, you will be approached by authorities at some point — can’t avoid ‘em forever! Your best route is to rat on one of your friends and claim they held you at gunpoint the whole time. If all else fails, cut all ties to everyone you know and bounce town. It was worth it. Hopefully this will give you some insight on how to do Fall Break right. In the case that the government decides to start doing stuff again, all of the aforementioned is optional.
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Words from a Street Preacher
Top 10: Ways to Show you’re truly a VFL
UTPD Undercover Job reveals shocking news
This man has a few things to say to you, you sinner.
Do you have what it takes to be a Vol forever?
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Did you know UTK is a dry campus? LOL.