The Black Sheep
FR E ga E... me lik sf eb or as st ket ud ba en ll ts !
• a college newspaper that’s actually about college •
UTK confessions
Volume 2, Issue 9 • 3/7/13 - 3/13/13
theblacksheeponline.com @blacksheepUTK
utk gossip girl wrote this
UTK Confessions’ Facebook page, inspired by similar pages at other universities across the country, has taken off since its creation two weeks ago. It has over 2,000 likes and has sparked spinoff Twitter feeds for the UTK community to know all the sordid secrets of our schoolmates. Although all posts to UTK Confessions are made anonymously, there are plenty of people whose confessions we would love to hear… if we could actually identify who confessed them. To that end, here are some of the most likely confessions to be posted to the Facebook page with names attached. Unlike UTK Confessions, The Black Sheep makes no promises of anonymity. #17: I’ve been high for every single game I’ve played. I think it’s hilarious that the sportscasters blame my inconsistent passes on injuries or pressure on the field, when it’s really just the joint I rolled in the locker room ten minutes before kickoff. UT is paying me in nice cars and iPhones to play every single game completely stoned, and no one even notices because the rest of the team sucks so badly. #VFL, bitches. (Tyler Bray) #20: The real magic of chemistry is the meth lab that I have in my basement. Sometimes I even mix in the tears of my students. That stuff will pack a wallop. (Prof. Al Hazari) #22: Every time we lose a game, I put on a pant suit and cry myself to sleep wishing I was Pat Summitt. (Cuonzo Martin) #25: I’m the shit. I can do whatever I want. That’s not much of a confession. Wait, where am I? What kind of place is this? (Pat Summitt)
#28: Everything the light touches is my kingdom. I own the entire university, the entire state of Tennessee, and every affiliated Facebook page therein. I own your comments, and I own your souls. Now go buy some gas from Pilot. (Jim Haslam) #31: I was denied access to all of the UTK Facebook pages, but I hacked into the server and joined them all anyway. Don’t worry, though, in a year I’ll be gone without so much as a “nice knowing you.” Start burning your mattresses, kids – I’m back! At least until I get a better contract. (Lane Kiffin) #33: I was also denied access to all the UTK Facebook pages, but my daddy let me post using his account so that someone might give me an ounce of respect. It didn’t seem to work, though. I’ll leave quietly if you pay me millions of dollars. (Derek Dooley) #37: I AM NOT A LESBIAN!!!!!!!!!!! (Butch Jones) #38: I pooped in Jimmy Cheek’s bed last night. (Smokey) #40: Someone pooped in my bed last night, and I smeared it all over a giant banner, paid thousands of dollars to an advertising firm in Chicago, and hung the banner off the side of the library. (Jimmy Cheek) #45: We have no idea what we’re doing. Also, we’ve created a secret opium den in the pit we dug out of for the new UC. (UTK Construction Team) #49: Confession: it was butt-chugging, AND
I CONTINUE TO DO IT TODAY HAHAHAH! (That kid who butt-chugged and tried to deny it but everybody knows he butt-chugged) #55: I really am Posiedon, Lord of the Seas! I just came to UT to show off my sweet-ass water polo skills. (Epically Beareded Water Polo guy that made it to the front page of Reddit)
#56: I dance to repress the deep-seeded rage that burns within. (Dancing Dude) Everyone has something to get off their chest, so keep an eye on the UTK Confessions page. You never know when these confessions might appear. And thanks to The Black Sheep, you’ll know exactly who wrote them.
what'’s inside How to Win a SGA Campaign It’s that time of year again to “amplify” and “engage.”
page 4
Top 10: Distractions from Studying
if only we could take exams focused on adorable kitten videos.
page 5
Bartender of the week Brian at The Well has the best wink (and pick-up line) in town.
page 12
contents
Questions? Comments? Compliments? Insults? info@theblacksheeponline.com
page 6: Dictator Party
page 6
It seems harmless to have a couple bros get a little heated at a party...until they turn into America’s worst nightmare.
pages 7: from the streets: what would you do for a klondike bar? It’s a classic question, with some not-so-classy answers.
Table of
pages 10-11: The Mike’s Hard Taste Test We choked down ten different flavors of Mike’s Hard Lemonade and hardly even got a buzz.
page 13: m.a.s.h. how is your spring break really going to turn out?
page 14: the black sheep Interviews: AER Brendan got to chat with the white-boy duo who are on tour with Hoodie Allen now!
page 14
page three p e e h S k c a l B e h T ile App
! k e e W e h t f o c i P
Mob
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last week’s answers
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word of the week Civiliesed: A faCade of normalcy put up by college students when visiting parents arrive.
“Quick Karen, hide our collection of stolen keg taps, my parents are five minutes out and we have to be civiliesed.”
page 4
theblacksheeponline.com
How to Win an SGA Campaign average joe wrote this We’ve all seen the SGA start campaigning for the upcoming election week in April, especially while casually meandering down Ped Walkway to Hodges. Amplify and Engage are making a presence to spread the word about their campaigns. It’s a great time for college students, honestly, because you get a ton of free shirts, coozies, lanyards, stickers, cups, and pretty much anything they can stamp “Amplify” or “Engage” on. And they stand for great things, like giving students a voice and all that noble political nonsense. But The Black Sheep would like to spice things up a bit. Sure, sometimes you chat with the people about what they’re campaigning for, but if you’re the average college student, you don’t ever take the time to vote for student government. Why? Because nothing they’re proposing really strikes your fancy. What if we could change that? What do the people want? Well, we’re here to tell ya what we want, what we really, really want. First off, we would throw our ballot in for any campaign whose president is a puppy. That’s just a given. “Puppy for President” would be the best slogan ever! Put a picture of the cute bastard on some banners and pins and you’ve got a guaranteed win. We wouldn’t even care that Puppy President would just be a figurehead for the real power behind the throne (the construction companies), because people are suckers when it comes to puppies. And our dear Puppy President would sign a few new laws into passage:
Snacks on snacks on snacks!: We decree that one should be in every hall of every building, so that when your stomach starts making those embarrassingly loud rumbly noises in the middle of lecture, you can fix it in just a few seconds by grabbing a quick snack from one of the conveniently placed machines outside your classroom. And they better be quality snacks too, none of that “trying to be healthy” bullshit. Beef jerky, Diet Coke, and gummy bears all up in our belly, all day every day.
Give us two-ply or give us death!: If we take the time to sit down for a nice shit before class, we want to enjoy the process, not rub our buttholes raw with see-through toilet paper that feels like sand paper. If we have enough money to put in unnecessary motion-sensor paper towel dispensers that don’t work half the time, we should have enough for nicer toilet paper.
And for the grand finale: Beer:! What do college students love above all else? Beer. Have a kegger out on Pedestrian so that we can have a free brewsky as we walk to class, and you’ll have our vote for life. We’ll write your name in on the ballot for presidency. Hell, we’ll become your mindless army so that you can take over China. Whatever you want, as long as you keep supplying the free beer.
More Outlets!: If your Macbook runs out of juice midway through a study sesh on the third floor of Hodges, sorry ‘bout that, ‘cause you sure as hell aren’t finding an available outlet. All of the people who basically live in the library have already set up camp at the few tables that have a nearby power source, so all you’re left with is a 7% battery that won’t even last you long enough to watch Puppy Prez’s State of the Union Address.
*Everybody takes up the chant of “Four more beers! Puppy Prez! Four more beers! Puppy Prez!”* Yeah, we admit that that picture of the Amplify people flying through some sort of colorful, trippy space storm was pretty cool. But if you really want to win the hearts of the collegiate public, then take up the platform of puppies, beer, two-ply toilet paper, outlets, and snacks!
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Unfortunately we are getting to that point in the school year when tests start popping up more than venereal diseases in a frat house. And like spicy VD’s, these ten distractions don’t make it any easier: 10.) Romance: If you have a needy partner you probably feel obliged to spend a lot of time with them, so as to avoid unwanted drama. Besides, if you have potential for an MRS degree, maybe studying isn’t worth it anymore. 9.) Thinking about your March Madness bracket: Some people need months and months to plan their bracket because it’s a big part of their life, and they definitely don’t have a gambling problem. With fantasy football over basketball brackets are the only things that can fill the void for poor sports fanatics. 8.) Pinteresting your hopes and dreams: How many times do you find yourself going on Pinterest to look at one little thing, and then you look at the clock to see 3 hours have passed? It’s justifiable, because all of your future wedding plans are divided onto multiple boards, and your boyfriend of two weeks must know what kind of rings you like. 7.) Video games: Once you start a game you’ll never get out, because you’re just a mission or raid away from complete victory -- as well as wasting at least 5 hours of your day. Who needs studying when you’re preparing for real life scenarios like zombie attacks and slingshotting birds at wooden entrapments? 6.) Freaking out about exams: You have three exams in one week, so of course you will spend more time freaking out than studying. How could anyone be expected to study with that much stress anyway? 5.) Sexy people at the library: Sometimes there will be gaggles of girls working on their projects in leggings that flaunt their sculpted ass. How in the world would you be expected to study when you overhear hot girls talking about which bikini to wear over spring break?
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4.) Cat videos: Grumpy Cat has swept the internet with all of his negative energy, because for some reason college students are drawn to this unhappy cat. Don’t let his grumpy lil’ face lead you down a rabbit hole of crazy cat videos like the one of kitties getting vacuumed or the one that fell in the tub and went ape shit, or the one where the kitty rides his big brother dog, or the one where the cat plays fetch instead of the dogs, or the one where (Ed note: Sorry, had to cut out 600 words worth of cat video descriptions here). 3.) Social media: Yep, Facebook has officially become public enemy number one in the college world. You spend all your time following people’s status updates, creepin’ on the exes, and then getting sucked into the world of every cute picture on the internet that your friends found. Fuck you, Facebook and Twitter. 2.) Prepping for spring break: That beach-ready body takes a lot of gym time, and finding a place to stay during your vacay is really hard when every other college student is doing the same thing. Not to mention the stress brought on from having to replace the asshole that dropped out because the trip is “too expensive”. 1.) Drinking away the sorrows: You think you’re being clever by 1 hour of studying = 1 well deserved alcoholic beverage, and that works the first time. Then this pattern begins to break: 45 minutes kinda studying then 2 drinks, 30 minutes equals a shot. Eventually you’re just shitfaced and know nothing that will benefit you on the test… unless you’re taking How To Get Drunk 101.
lindsey fleck wrote this
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page 6
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Dictator Party! Merry Go’Roundz wrote this You know when you’re at a party, minding your own biznizz, and watching the characters around you drunkenly attempt human interaction? Sometimes things get a little out of hand, especially when a couple of testosterone’d up drunk bros have taken a few too many shots of Jäger and start itching to prove their manliness. Sometimes they evolve from something sexually frustrated little boys to something more… dictator-y. It starts with the one bro who seems cool because he’s handing out shots in his cutoff tee, being all “I must be strong and intimidating!” Everyone else, albeit hesitantly, goes along, saying “Yeah, I’m with ya, bro! Let’s punch a couch or something!” But inevitably some other bro will accidentally knock his Solo cup of brewsky out of his hand, or accidently make too long of eye contact, and the alpha bro will yell, “Dude! That’s MEIN cup!” you realize that seems-cool bro is a little Hitler-y… especially when you realize he was only allowing “certain types” of people into his party. Just as Brodolf Hitler starts to settle down, another guy in the corner next to the keg starts causing a ruckus – he came short on cash, but loudly starts insisting that “Beer should be free for everyone, not just the chicks! Equality for all!” Everyone who hasn’t yet bought a cup starts hooin’ and hollerin’ that yeah, it should be that way! But most of the party has already spent the money to buy a cup, so why should it be free for everyone? Tensions rise, as a great divide forms between the haves and the havenots of the party, and we don’t stand for that here in ‘Murica. This guy’s got a little bit of Fidel Castro in him (and maybe too much Captain Morgan). Of course, the host of the party is a guy you come to refer to as Broseph Stalin. Broseph agrees with Fidel Castbro, but he bought the keg, and everyone needs to pay their dues. If anyone is going to enforce rules around here it’s going to be him – whether about beer pong rules or minimal keg-stand times. He’s already thrown 20 people out of the party (via the balcony) and he won’t hesitate to throw out more. Intoxicated competition is the prime time to see the real dictatebroship come out, so when Broseph lays this challenge down, Brodolf Hitler and Fidel Castbro are all about it. These angry partying dictatortypes love to show off their badassery and general superiority, and they especially love fighting one another. This is the part of the party when shit goes down.
Another bro that’s trying to be on their level but is never quite good enough (we’ll refer to him as Kim Bro Il) officiates the challenges. First up is beer pong, that champion of party games. Broseph and Castbro are going at it, bro against bro, dictator against dictator. Eventually, Broseph just gets fed up with Castbro’s bullshit bounce shots and punches him in the face. He’s declared the automatic winner due to his show of superior manliness. Then Broseph and Brodolf face each other in a flip cup match. Broseph barks at his team to “Drink faster, you pussies!” but they all get so scared of their teammate that tears of shame flow down their faces and they crawl under the flip cup table to cry. Brodolf’s team comes out on top due to his mystical mini-mustache powers. And then, the three dictator-bros come together for the ultimate test, keg stands. Broseph’s is cut short due to Brodolf’s illegal but overlooked pushing of Broseph’s legs. Castbro lasts a good 15 seconds but then is knocked down by a beer bottle we can only assume was thrown by the jealously sidelined Kim Bro Il. Brodolf is about to show them both up with a 20 second keg stand but, wait, what’s that? An eagle with a top hat came and snatched up Brodolf by the leg, flying him out of the party. Because AMERICA, that’s why. And so in the end, no one really wins and everybody leaves angry. But that’s just what happens when you let your bros become dictators. Basically, they just become dicks.
[PartyPics]
From the Streets Got a question you want us to ask? FTS@theblacksheeponline.com
What would you do for a Klondike bar? “Probably butt chug.” - Chris H.
“What wouldn’t I do?” - Michael M.
“Dirty, dirty things.” - Chris B.
send your party pics to pics@theblacksheeponline.com
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The Grid SPECIAL NIGHT
FRIDAY! 90.3 The Rocks Funhouse Presents: Col. Bruce Hampton with The Mumbles, 10 p.m.
thursday 3/7
If Birds Couple Fly w/ I Love Being a Turtle, 10 p.m. Half-Off Bottles of Wine Until 10pm
FRIday 3/8
90.3 The Rocks Funhouse Presents: Col. Bruce Hampton with The Mumbles, 10 p.m.
saturday 3/9
90.3 The Rock Presents: Mandolin Orange with South Carolina Braodcasters, 10 p.m.
THURSDAY!
tuesday: Trivia! $2 Domestic Drafts
FRIDAY! Presented by Night Owl Shallowpoint | Annandale | Afterlife | Ten Foot Grave @ 90 Proof 18+ | 8 PM | $7 Door
$2 Domestic Bottles
Check out carleoentertainment.com for upcoming events!
Presented by Midnight Voyage Productions Consider The Source | Deep Green @ The Bowery 18+ | 8 PM | $5 Adv | $8 Door
$2.50 Blue Moon Drafts
Presented by Night Owl Shallowpoint | Annandale | Afterlife | Ten Foot Grave @ 90 Proof 18+ | 8 PM | $7 Door Dance Night with DJ Eric B @ Southbound 21+ | 9pm | Ladies free, Gents $5 after 11pm
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Call (865) 414-6050 to set up your private party!
Call (865) 414-6050 to set up your private party!
Games on the Big Screens All Day!
Presented by Midnight Voyage Productions... Consider The Source | Deep Green @ The Bowery 18+ | 8 PM | $5 Adv | $8 Door
sunday 3/10
Jay McDaniel and Stevie Jones, 8 p.m.
$2 Domestic Bottles and Drafts, $5.50 Pitchers and Happy Hour Wells All Day. $0.50 Wings, $3.99 Cheeseburgers and Fries
monday 3/11
TJ Kong and The Atomic Bomb, 10pm Half Price Pint Night
$5.50 Domestic Pitchers $0.50 Wings, Pitchers and Happy Hour Wells All Day
Check out carleoentertainment.com for upcoming events!
Check out carleoentertainment.com for upcoming events!
tuesday 3/12
The BusDriver Tour, Live! Half Price Pint Night
Trivia! $2 Domestic Drafts
Call (865) 414-6050 to set up your private party!
Call (865) 414-6050 to set up your private party!
WED. 3/13
Live Team Trivia - 8pm
$1.50 PBR Tall Boys
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Check out carleoentertainment.com for upcoming events!
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FRIday 3/8
Beer Bust Saturday! Free Drafts $5 Liquor Pitchers 35 cent Wings & Shrimp
Large Meatzaria or Veggie Pizza $12.99 + Tax
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Salome Cabaret Burlesque Revue, 10 p.m. Drink Specials!
saturday 3/9
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sunday 3/10
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Large 1 Topping Pizza + Breadsticks $10.99 + Tax Happy Hour 3-7pm: 50 cents off any beer; draft or bottle
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monday 3/11
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Large Windy City Pizza $11.99 + Tax Happy Hour 3-7pm: 50 cents off any beer; draft or bottle
$2 Drafts
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tuesday 3/12
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Any Medium Pizza $10.99 + Tax Happy Hour 3-7pm: 50 cents off any beer; draft or bottle
Half Price Bottles of Wine All Day Until 10PM
Casual Encounters, 9 p.m. $5 Nachos, $5 Dickel Tickles
WED. 3/13
$4 El Jimador Tequila Every Day
SPECIAL NIGHT
The Black Sheep presents: the mike's hard taste test
Spring break is just over the horizon and college students the nation over are plunking down what little coin they have to make sure they’ll remember practically none of it. Well, The Black Sheep refuses to stand aside and watch college students waste buku bucks on inferior beverages. While many of the aforementioned beverages will start with names like “Keystone” and end in words like “Light,” there will be a brave, sad few who choose to “get the party started” with a novelty so novel, it’s hard to laugh at anyone who actually has the gall to drink it. Whether it’s a girl who thinks beer is “icky” or a dude who thinks purchasing it will allow him to get into said girl’s bikini bottoms, Mike’s Hard Lemonade will be flying off the shelves faster than Plan B.
r: Flavo l a i t Ini llowed this ha the When ge hits a r e v e b malted w good is it? , s lip ho
So, in true The Black Sheep fashion, we’ve bought as much Mike’s Hard Lemonade as our paltry bank accounts could afford. We have ten samples, and these samples were consumed during a blind taste test. None of the participants knew which sample they were tasting, but the testers ranked them from best to worst on a one-to-five scale, five being the best, one the worst.
this : Does at s s e n Wacki something th it is ke taste li ually exist, or s t ye c e a should ination in the m ods? an abo liquor g of the
The categories on which the Mike’s Hard flavors were judged: #1: Mike’s Hard Mango Punch
The 17-year-old in the back of our van says: “Billy says the puke tastes just as good coming up as it does going down!” What artificial flavor does it resemble?: A liquefied mango Dum Dum Where does this fall on the gender spectrum?: A sexy girl pretending to be a misunderstood outcast Notes: Though artificially-flavored drinks taste more like Satan’s asshole than the flavor they’re meant to resemble, Mike’s Hard Mango Punch proves the exception to this rule. Sure, it’s less “mango” in its flavor than it is, “orange,” but it is legitimately not terrible.
5
ll: A Overa re of the site sco ies. compo ategor c e e r h t
#2: Mike’s Hard Cranberry
#3: Mike’s Hard Black Cherry
Initial Flavor: 3.7 • Lingering Flavor: 3 Wackiness: 2.3 • Overall: 3
Initial Flavor: 3 • Lingering Flavor: 2.8 Wackiness: 2.3 • Overall: 2.7
The 17-year-old in the back of our van says: “This tastes like the gummy bears Uncle Ben used to give me to get me to go to bed.” What artificial flavor does it resemble?: Cherry Luden’s cough drop diluted in Febreze Where does this fall on the gender spectrum?: The bubbliest gay dude in the room
The 17-year-old in the back of our van says: “Reminds me of the church wine I had during first communion. My stupid bitch step-mom didn’t even get me that Powderpuff Girls play house I asked for. I got the last laugh when she died from cervical cancer.” What artificial flavor does it resemble?: Prison toilet wine Where does this fall on the gender spectrum?: The prim teen who thinks he’s way too mature for his age
Notes: Like the Mango Punch, the comparatively high marks have less to do with the drink’s cranberry flavor, and more to do with it not being objectively undrinkable. To say it tastes like cranberry is to say that cherries, or raspberries or shit, Taco Bell, tastes like cranberries.
Notes: Of all the flavors of Mike’s Hard tried during this experiment, the Black Cherry Lemonade had the best aroma -- a delightful candy aroma all but certain to arouse the latent candy addict in all of us.
Lemonade
Initial Flavor: 3.3 Lingering Flavor: 4.3 Wackiness: 3.3 Overall: 3.6
r: Flavo neg n i r o Linge uid’s taken a q n, does he li After t o tummy tow r, or t tte way trip r get any be o ? the flav it get worse does
When the second place drink in a blind taste test gets worse as the flavor settles on one’s tongue, this is not a testament to the overall quality of your product. Do you hear us, Mike’s Hard?
4.5
4
Lemonade
Though we’re almost certain Mike’s Hard Black Cherry Lemonade has the same viscosity and texture as other products, the consensus opinion was, this one was thicker than the other samples we tried. Note, this was the last Mike’s Hard we tried, so we may have just been, like, totally shitfaced on two drinks, bro.
3.5
3
#5: Mike’s Hard Lemonade lite
#4: Mike’s Hard Lemonade
Initial Flavor: 2.2 • Lingering Flavor: 3 Wackiness: 2.7 • Overall: 2.6
Initial Flavor: 2.3 Lingering Flavor: 2.5 Wackiness: 2.3 • Overall: 2.7
The 17-year-old in the back of our van says: “This tastes just like my Mom’s Squirt! What? I don’t know what a double entendre is, I’m not French.” What artificial flavor does it resemble?: Leftover Pledge in a huffing sock Where does this fall on the gender spectrum?: Overweight suburban cheerleader
The 17-year-old in the back of our van says: “Like, I totally wish I had, like, four more of these in my mouth right now. LOL, shut up Kyle!!!” What artificial flavor does it resemble?: Lemon-scented Dial soap and vodka Where does this fall on the gender spectrum?: Virginal freshman female who quickly turns slutty deepthroat queen Notes: The flavor that started it all did relatively well in our blind taste test, though comments like, “This is tolerable” don’t inspire confidence in the quality of the beverage, in comparison to say, a beer. While many other flavors were sweet to the point of tasting medicinal, Mike’s Hard Lemonade actually burnt tasters’ nostrils like an aerosol air freshener would. It… it was weird.
Notes: Though it smells like teenage staple vodka and Sprite, Mike’s Hard Lemonade Lite tastes exactly as one thinks it would taste: Like Mike’s Hard Lemonade, diluted with water by about 30%. Of course, this makes sense when one notes Mike’s Hard Lemonade has an ABV of 5%, whereas Mike’s Hard Lemonade Lite has an ABV of 3.2%. So, sure, save 100 calories, but know that if you’re going to get Maggie to go down on you in the back yard of your parents’ house, you’re going to need twice the volume.
#6: Mike’s Hard margarita Initial Flavor: 1.7 • Lingering Flavor: 2 Wackiness: 2 • Overall: 1.9
The 17-year-old in the back of our van says: “Me no gusta tambien nosotros es un malo!” What artificial flavor does it resemble?: Burning garbage-scented air freshener Where does this fall on the gender spectrum?: Entitled Latina princess Notes: A good margarita is a pretty simple thing: salt, tequila, and a little triple sec. Mike’s Hard sure did get the salt flavoring right. Someone there owed the people at Morton’s a lot of money. While the drink tastes like a street after snowfall, it smells like tequila, in the same way a soiled diaper smells like baby shit. Very, very strongly.
#8: Mike’s Hard strawberry margarita Initial Flavor: 2 • Lingering Flavor: 1.7 Wackiness: 1.7 • Overall: 1.8
The 17-year-old in the back of our van says: “After some nachos, a DiGiorno, and some Pop-Tarts, this would make a great dessert wine!” What artificial flavor does it resemble?: Melted Fruit by the Foot Where does this fall on the gender spectrum?: Vaguely non-gendered Lot Lizard Notes: One taster described the Strawberry Margarita by groaning loudly, while another claimed it was “the worst.” Another gagged while drinking it. So yeah, there are still two flavors that are worse than Strawberry Margarita. The Mike’s Hard Strawberry Margarita wasn’t just too sweet or too sour, it was a sugary, sour mess of a flavor -- like snorting Pixie Stix with Sweet Tarts crushed up and mixed in.
2
1.5
#6: Mike’s Hard Limeade
Initial Flavor: 2.7 • Lingering Flavor: 1.7 Wackiness: 1.2 • Overall: 1.9 The 17-year-old in the back of our van says: “Ew, someone call Chris Hansen; this totally raped my taste buds.” What artificial flavor does it resemble?: Lime salsa found on the grocery store clearance shelf Where does this fall on the gender spectrum?: Divorced suburban mother watching Hawaii Five-0, dreaming of a vacation to the beach. Notes: Whoever is responsible for creating Mike’s Hard Limeade misidentifies “overpowering citrus flavor” with “exotic.” This take on limeade closely resembles childhood soccer game essential Ecto Cooler, though we don’t advise consuming it in the back of a minivan.
#9: Mike’s Hard raspberry Lemonade
Initial Flavor: 2 • Lingering Flavor: 1 Wackiness: 1 • Overall: 1.7 The 17-year-old in the back of our van says: “I don’t understand how other adults drink thick beers like this.” What artificial flavor does it resemble?: Carbonated cough medicine Where does this fall on the gender spectrum?: Small-town cross dresser Notes: Primarily, “acrid” means, “having an irritatingly string and unpleasant taste or smell.” An additional definition of acrid has little to do with the senses, meaning, “angry and bitter.” Though the former accurately describes Mike’s Hard Raspberry Lemonade, the latter is certainly more apt.
#10: Mike’s Hard winter blackberry Initial Flavor: 1.7 • Lingering Flavor: 1.3 Wackiness: 1 • Overall: 1.3 The 17-year-old in the back of our van says: “This tastes worse than the time I tried a sample of my own period.” What artificial flavor does it resemble?: Grape antifreeze Where does this fall on the gender spectrum?: 14-year-old chain-smoking baby momma Notes: The lowest of the low. The Nelson Muntz of the Mike’s Hard family. It looks and tastes like motor oil laced with sugar water. It tastes more black than berry. A taster describes it as, “A carnival gone wrong,” which isn’t a thing as far as we know, but seems incredibly apt. It is not made of things found on this earth.
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theblacksheeponline.com
bartender of the week brian k. the well Favorite Movie: The Fifth Element Favorite Show: I have no TV Favorite Book: The Dark Tower series
Pet Peeve: People who try too hard Signature Shot: Unnamed Rum Drink
Worst night to bartend: Every Favorite Drunk Munch: Good food night is positive and negative Favorite Beer: Lagunitas anything
Super power: Super Penis
Favorite Liquor: Belle Meade
Best hangover cure: More beer
Dreamjob: Anything with people
Favorite Sports team: Manchester United
Pick up line: “Hey!”
the drinking game:
recipe for disaster:
beeropoly
Politically Correct Puppy Chow
There’s no better combination than Monopoly and beer. It’s like whiskey and Coke, a match made in heaven (or at the local bar). Beeropoly will get you drunk before you past Go!, and spending $200 you can’t afford at a bar on Baltic Avenue.
It’s a combination of chocolate, peanut butter and crunchy goodness. It’s amazing whether you’re drunk, high, or completely sober. Who in their right minds doesn’t love a great batch of puppy chow? This puppy chow doesn’t discriminate between black and white, but mixes it all together into one big mouth orgasm.
What You’ll Need: Beer and Monopoly. Number of Players: Two to eight. Level of Intoxication: Wasted enough to think the Monopoly money will be sufficient currency to pay cover and buy drinks with. How To Play: - Shotgun a beer before starting the game; do it twice if you’re the banker. - Take a shot of beer every time you roll the dice. - Beer bong a beer every time your drunken ass is sent to jail. - Chug every time you pass GO! - Drink half a beer every time you buy some property. - Sip a beer every time you land on a friend’s property. - When one player gets a monopoly everyone needs to take 7 shots of beer. - Take a shot of beer before picking up a “Chance” card or before reaching into the Community Chest. - Chug a beer every time you land on free parking or jail. - Take two shots of beer when you decide to sell a mortgage property. - Chug a beer when you go bankrupt. The Game Ends When: Does Monopoly ever end?
download our app for all of our drinking games!
What You’ll Need: 2 boxes of Chex cereal, 1 package of milk chocolate chips, 1 package of white chocolate chips, 2 sticks of butter, 1 jar of peanut butter, 2 teaspoons of vanilla extract, 1 package of powdered sugar, your favorite chocolate candies and a big ol’ pot. Cook Time: About an hour and a half ‘til snackage. Fatty Factor: Dentist recommended to cause cavities! Let’s Get Baked: - Place half the jar of peanut butter, the white chocolate chips, one teaspoon of vanilla and one stick of butter in a large pot. - Place the pot over the stove at medium heat until all ingredients are beautifully melted together. - Take the pot off the stove and mix in one box of Chex. - Place the white chocolate chow in a CLOSED zip lock bag, add in half the bag of powdered sugar and shake it up. - Place the bag in your fridge and wash the pot. - Do the same for the milk chocolate chips using the rest of the jar of peanut butter, the milk chocolate chips, one teaspoon of vanilla and the other stick of butter in the pot. - Let the two puppy chow mixes cool in the fridge for about an hour. - Once cooled mix them together and add your favorite candies in, like M&Ms or crushed Oreos. Always a great snack to bring to parties … or cuddle on the couch with while your roommate left you home alone all night for a hot date.
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Mansion. Apartment. Shack. House. Destination: - Panama City, Panama - Ibiza, Spain - Compton, California - Long Island, New York
Lodging: - Teepee - Penthouse - Back of Truck - Jail Cell
Most Likely To: - Never go home - Go to the hospital - Have sex in public - Stay drunk for 5 days straight
Travel Buddy: - Lady GaGa - Ke$ha - Chris Brown - Kanye West
Run In To: - Ex-Significant Other - Ronnie from Jersey Shore - Honey Boo Boo - Barack Obama
Least likely to: - Get laid - Do mushrooms ever again - Shower during Spring Break - Get any free drinks.
Mode of Transportation: - Miniature Horse - Longboard - Cartwheels - Hot Pink Vespa
Contest Win: - Gnome Lookalike - Mashed Potato Eating - Booty Shakin’ - Tequila Chugging
Souvenir: - Herpes - Broken Keychain - Tribal Tattoo - Pet Snake
How to play
Doodle some dots on the page until a friend (or your brain) tells you to stop. Starting with M.A.S.H., go around the board crossing off whatever option corresponds with your number. Go around the board until only one of each category is left. That, my friend, is your future. Enjoy it.
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m o c . e n i l n O p e e h S k c a l B e GAMES G Th IN K IN R PECIALS | D | BAR S ARTICLES
we interview:
AER
Aer, white-assed duo (as opposed to White Ass Duo, our threesome buttsex flick) David von Mering and Carter Schultz, are famous for slash-reggae hits “Float My Boat” and “Feel I Bring.” While on tour with similarly-styled artist Hoodie Allen, they were kind enough to talk to us on the phone about life, love, and the pursuit of…just read the interview. By: Brendan The Black Sheep: How did you guys get started? How did you guys meet? Aer: You want to know the details, everything you want to know about? Well, let’s see…We met as football stars in elementary school, became friends, took music seriously in high school. Then, viola. TBS: At what point did you realize you could make money doing something like this? Aer: We get going into senior year of high school, everyone’s focused on where they’re applying, and we weren’t. It didn’t seem like the time to get involved in all that, so we decided to take a year off to do our worst. We did our worst, and now we’re here. TBS: How do you maintain a business side of a band that’s all about having fun? Aer: Well, I mean, it shows what kind of people we are. We take the music seriously because it’s our job. Our friends are in college and we’re not, and that’s how we pay the bills. For us to pay the bills, we have to be entertaining, we have to be fun and fresh and wild. It’s serious being fun. TBS: But with a job that’s not 9-5, or without a class schedule you have to hold yourself to, how do you go, “here’s fun time, here’s relaxing time”? Aer: As a producer, I’m always thinking of ideas. These past two days I’ve made four instrumentals, whether they’re going to be on the album or not. It’s a constant output of material we choose from. The commitment is there, the everyday love of it is how we do it. We live and do shit in order to write about it. TBS: How do you get from an idea to a finished product? Aer: It starts with a beat. There’s some kind of emotion or vibe or feeling inside of that beat. Then, there’s a phrase after the beat that sums up the lyrical content. Carter will expand on it—for example, “Floats My Boat,” there’s that phrase, “I do what floats my boat,” that encompasses the whole song, and we go from there. TBS: Do you write for your audience, or do you write for yourself, hoping your audience appreciates what you have to say? Aer: I’m in the middle. If I wrote just for myself, you wouldn’t know what the fuck I was talking about—you’d think I’m obsessed with owls and eagles. I like to keep the arc to myself, but I try to make it relatable and understandable for all fans. TBS: You’re touring with Hoodie Allen right now. What’s the touring grind like? Aer: It’s like going to a summer camp where you don’t get to sleep and you’re constantly driving. A lot of kids wish they’re doing this, and that’s what keeps you positive about touring. A lot of people are doing 9-5 stuff, and I’m stepping on stage for a job; it really keeps things in perspective. TBS: How did you guys get hooked up with Hoodie Allen? Aer: We’ve always been good friends with him. He reached out a while back saying he liked our stuff, and it took a while, but he invited us on tour. It came out of nothing, to be honest. TBS: Is this tour a new challenge for you? Aer: At this point we’ve got touring down. I know what to put on my packing list, I know how long we’re staying out, I’ve lost enough shit on tour, and I know we’re going to go crazy on tour. TBS: Do you think you can better connect with college students because you’re in the same age group, as opposed to say, Bob Dylan? Aer: Of course. Using social media—Facebook, Twitter, all that stuff, allows us to connect better with our audience. We also love to hang out at the merch tables after our show that lets us meet everyone who came out. TBS: What do you guys do in your free time? Aer: I like taking girls to the movies. I like making omelettes. I prefer Greek salad over Caesar salad.
the big three
entertainment-y things to keep your eye out for.
David bowie - the next day out march 12th
It's the return of the Thin White Duke, folks. The Next Day is Bowie's first new album in a decade, and it promises to be a strong addition to a collection spanning four generations. Sure, Ole' Ziggy over there may not have the "up-beat party time jamz" of people like Skyblu and Redfoo, but this is a guy once so addicted to cocaine, he would only drink milk and eat red peppers. He'd toss those shots (shots, shots, shots, shots) back like baby medicine.
God of War: Ascension out march 12th
The seventh installment of the God of War franchise acts as a prequel to 2005's first iteration of the game. Here, we'll see how Kratos got picked on by bullies in high school, left for college, got mad jacked, then came back to kick some ass and take some names at his 10-year high school anniversary. Yeah, you get them, Kratos! Those jocks deserve those wedgies!
The Incredible Burt Wonderstone out march 15th
The latest Steve Carrell vehicle sees the lovable doofus playing an arrogant Las Vegas musician down and out after his partner (Steve Buscemi) leaves him. Enter Jim Carrey as street musician Steve Gray, out to overshadow the former legend. One can only assume this flick is rife with awkward pauses and moan-inducing crotch shots. Or both, when Carrey...uh...Carreycter makes contact, only to find that Carrell no longer has a pair.
the crossword: spring break, baby! Across 2) All you’ll be wearing. 3) Two-piece beach attire. 4) You might get this kind of cup, filed with a daiquiri or something. 6) You just lay there. 9) This Mexican town may drive you loco. 12) Dad from the South 13) An all this resort is awesome. 14) You’ll need these, and Advil, to make it through the next day. 15) Because being a lobster is not cute.
18) A beach city, home to NASCAR. 19) Flying above a boat, basically. Down 1) Translated means “nest of snakes or pot.” 2) A practical souvenir. 3) An efficient way to drink a beer. 5) You will make a lot of these. 7) Capital of the Bahamas 8) Beer jacket. 10) A drink, and a popular activity. 11) The best part about The Panhandle. 15) An easy outfit for girls. 16) If you can’t opt for a plane ticket. 17) The second part of Sin City.
Meet The Staff campus manager Austin Owen
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distribution managers Kelley Rieder Stephen Palmer
Editorial manager Emily Hagenburger
campus director Quinn Myers
Advertising Managers Lindsey Fleck,
owner Atish Doshi
Writers Mary Moss, Lindsey Fleck, Jessica Crowder, Katie Vaughn. Sarah Russell
Founders Jessica Hill, Tanner Jenkins, Austin Owen, Brendan Bonham, Heather Jo Erickson
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Disclaimer The Black Sheep in no way promotes, encourages or supports binge drinking, and/or under-age drinking. This newspaper is designed for entertainment purposes only and does not recommend attempting anything printed in this publication. Please drink...responsibly and legally.
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