The Black Sheep
FR E ga E... me lik sf eb or as st ket ud ba en ll ts !
• a college newspaper that’s actually about college •
UTK confessions
Volume 2, Issue 9 • 3/7/13 - 3/13/13
theblacksheeponline.com @blacksheepUTK
utk gossip girl wrote this
UTK Confessions’ Facebook page, inspired by similar pages at other universities across the country, has taken off since its creation two weeks ago. It has over 2,000 likes and has sparked spinoff Twitter feeds for the UTK community to know all the sordid secrets of our schoolmates. Although all posts to UTK Confessions are made anonymously, there are plenty of people whose confessions we would love to hear… if we could actually identify who confessed them. To that end, here are some of the most likely confessions to be posted to the Facebook page with names attached. Unlike UTK Confessions, The Black Sheep makes no promises of anonymity. #17: I’ve been high for every single game I’ve played. I think it’s hilarious that the sportscasters blame my inconsistent passes on injuries or pressure on the field, when it’s really just the joint I rolled in the locker room ten minutes before kickoff. UT is paying me in nice cars and iPhones to play every single game completely stoned, and no one even notices because the rest of the team sucks so badly. #VFL, bitches. (Tyler Bray) #20: The real magic of chemistry is the meth lab that I have in my basement. Sometimes I even mix in the tears of my students. That stuff will pack a wallop. (Prof. Al Hazari) #22: Every time we lose a game, I put on a pant suit and cry myself to sleep wishing I was Pat Summitt. (Cuonzo Martin) #25: I’m the shit. I can do whatever I want. That’s not much of a confession. Wait, where am I? What kind of place is this? (Pat Summitt)
#28: Everything the light touches is my kingdom. I own the entire university, the entire state of Tennessee, and every affiliated Facebook page therein. I own your comments, and I own your souls. Now go buy some gas from Pilot. (Jim Haslam) #31: I was denied access to all of the UTK Facebook pages, but I hacked into the server and joined them all anyway. Don’t worry, though, in a year I’ll be gone without so much as a “nice knowing you.” Start burning your mattresses, kids – I’m back! At least until I get a better contract. (Lane Kiffin) #33: I was also denied access to all the UTK Facebook pages, but my daddy let me post using his account so that someone might give me an ounce of respect. It didn’t seem to work, though. I’ll leave quietly if you pay me millions of dollars. (Derek Dooley) #37: I AM NOT A LESBIAN!!!!!!!!!!! (Butch Jones) #38: I pooped in Jimmy Cheek’s bed last night. (Smokey) #40: Someone pooped in my bed last night, and I smeared it all over a giant banner, paid thousands of dollars to an advertising firm in Chicago, and hung the banner off the side of the library. (Jimmy Cheek) #45: We have no idea what we’re doing. Also, we’ve created a secret opium den in the pit we dug out of for the new UC. (UTK Construction Team) #49: Confession: it was butt-chugging, AND
I CONTINUE TO DO IT TODAY HAHAHAH! (That kid who butt-chugged and tried to deny it but everybody knows he butt-chugged) #55: I really am Posiedon, Lord of the Seas! I just came to UT to show off my sweet-ass water polo skills. (Epically Beareded Water Polo guy that made it to the front page of Reddit)
#56: I dance to repress the deep-seeded rage that burns within. (Dancing Dude) Everyone has something to get off their chest, so keep an eye on the UTK Confessions page. You never know when these confessions might appear. And thanks to The Black Sheep, you’ll know exactly who wrote them.
what'’s inside How to Win a SGA Campaign It’s that time of year again to “amplify” and “engage.”
page 4
Top 10: Distractions from Studying
if only we could take exams focused on adorable kitten videos.
page 5
Bartender of the week Brian at The Well has the best wink (and pick-up line) in town.
page 12